hUMOR For May 14th

"Kids' Letters to the President"

Dear Mr. President:

How much money does the president make? Could you please write and tell me because if it isn't enough money then I will become a dentist.
--Timoth U., age 7 Jamestown, NY

When will we have a woman president? I am ready.
--Brooke A, age 10 Peoria, IL

Do you have any friends in Congress? My mom says your only friend is the vice-president.
--Richard D., age 8 Greenwich, CT

Someday I hope there will be a woman president. But not my sister. She will drive everybody crazy----the Democrats and Republicans.
--A citizen, Lawrence K., age 8 Atlanta, GA

What is your favorite book? My mom said it is the Bible because you have to pray a lot.
--Kimberly W., age 8, Meriden, CT

Dear President Bush:
Can you help with the weather in Seattle? It rains too much. My mom said not even the president can do anything about the weather. I hope she is wrong. We need more sunshine in Seattle.
--Elizabeth P., age 8 Seattle WA

What does Congress do all day? My dad told me that Congress doesn't do anything but make trouble.
--Ralph N., Palm Beach, FL

What does the vice president do all day? I have asked a lot of grownups and nobody knows the answer.
--Shannon D., age 8 Bismarck, ND

I think you won the election because you were a better speaker even if a lot of people didn't know what you were talking about.
--Tracey O., age 10 Green Valley, AZ

My girlfriend Betsy and I would like to get married in the White House when we get married someday. We will be married in 20 years.
--Peter N., age 7 Bismarck, ND

Dear President Bush:
What size shoes do you wear? My grandfather died last month and he left a lot of shoes and my brother and I would like to send you and the vice-president a pair of shoes. Do you like brown shoes or black shoes? We will shine the shoes before we send them to you.
--Joey P., age 8 Erie, PA

On TV you didn't answer some questions because you said the answer was classified. Can I classify my answers? I got into trouble when I admitted I broke something I shouldn't have touched. If I could say the answer is classified, I wouldn't be in trouble.
--Martin J., age 9 Philadelphia, PA

Dear Mr. President:
My girlfriend Alyssa is a Republican and I am a Democrat. Someday we may get married. Can a Democrat marry a Republican and be happy? I am 12 and my girlfriend is 11. We would like your answer befpre we are 18.
--Ryan C., age 12 Philadelphia, PA

Someday if we have a woman president we will need more closets in the White House so the president will have room for all her clothes. My mom has three closets and my sister has two closets and my dad and my brother and I have to share closets.
--Michael P., age 8 San Diego, CA

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Man's Best Friend

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it,

just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an

hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

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"According to a poll in Health Magazine, more Americans

said they'd rather have Bill Clinton as their father than

President Bush. Well sure, with Clinton you get away

with a lot more, don't you think? 'Look, I won't mention

you coming home late, if you don't mention me coming home

late.'" --Jay Leno

***

"Last week President Bush created the world's largest pro-

tected marine area, dubbed the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands

National Monument. It contains sea life that has inspired

some of our most breathtaking screensavers." --Jon Stewart

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Woman becomes U.S. corn-eating champ

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. (UPI) -- A Virginia woman has become the first female winner of the National Sweet Corn-Eating Championship in West Palm Beach, Fla.

Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas, a first-time competitive corn eater who manages a Burger King, took home the $1,500 prize and an angel-topped 3-foot gold trophy after downing 32 1/2 ears of corn in 12 minutes, The Palm Beach (Fla.) Post reported.

Thomas, who weighs 100 pounds, bested nine men in the competition, including last year's champion and record holder "Crazy Legs" Conti, who finished third with 30 ears, falling short of his record-setting 34 3/4 ears at last year's event.

In second place, with 31 ears, was Jammin' Joe LaRue, who won the competition two years ago.

Thomas said she ate only four or five ears of corn to practice for the competition.

///

Woman, 83, graduates from university

KALAMAZOO, Mich. (UPI) -- An 83-year-old woman who set out after retirement to earn a college degree has graduated from Western Michigan University in Kalamazoo, Mich.

Ruth Stoeffler said she began her college career in 1995, shortly after the death of her husband, and took a wide variety of classes during the ensuing 13 years until she earned a bachelor's degree in social science studies, the Detroit Free Press reported.

"I was by myself and had to do something," she said. "I wanted something interesting and challenging and fun ... I thought, 'I'm going to get myself a diploma from a university.'"

Stoeffler, who walked down the aisle with classmates at the university's graduation ceremony during the weekend, told the Free Press she doesn't intend to use her degree to start a new career but she said she would like to parlay her knowledge and experience into volunteer work.

///

Gator attacks golf ball diver

TAMPA, Fla. (UPI) -- Employees of a Tampa, Fla., country club said a golf ball diver was attacked by an alligator while retrieving balls from a lake near the club's 13th hole.

Matt Johnson, a golf cart attendant at the Tampa Palms Golf and Country Club, said diver Dwight Monreal, 62, had donned his scuba gear and waded into the water Saturday when the alligator popped out of the water and latched on to Monreal's arm, the St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported.

"We rushed toward the water and the gator let go of him," Johnson said. "I like to think we scared him."

Johnson told the newspaper he and a club member took Monreal to the clubhouse where he was met by police and an ambulance, which took him to St. Joseph's Hospital for treatment.

Police said Monreal suffered a dislocated left shoulder and puncture wounds to his left arm in the attack. He was discharged from the hospital Saturday night.

Officials at the country club said the 13th hole will be closed until the alligator is captured and killed, the Times reported.

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Liver n' Cheese Poodle

There was a labrador, a dalmation and a doberman in a doggy bar when an attractive girl poodle walks in. She says to the three dogs "Whichever one of you can say the best sentence with liver and cheese in wins a date!"

So the labrador says " I like cheese but I don't like liver," but that wasn't good enough for the girl poodle.

Then the Doberman said "I like liver but I don't like cheese" but it still wasn't good enough.

Finally the dalmtion piped in with "Liver alone. Cheese mine!"

However, he still lost because it was the cheesiest joke she had ever heard.

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Sadam Look-Alikes

I heard that they got all of the Sadam look-alikes together and told them that they have some good news and some bad news.

The good news was that Sadam survived the bombings, so they all still had jobs.

One of the look-alikes asked, "What's the bad news?"

The bad news, they were told, was that he lost an arm and an eye.

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Stop

When do you stop at GREEN and go at RED?

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"How about that John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy

who walks into a Circuit City and asks, 'Do you have type-

writer ribbon?'" -Dave Letterman

***

"Today, President Bush gave a news conference about the

economy but he stubbornly refused to say the word recession.

Instead, Bush said, 'Our country is heading towards some-

thing that has three syllables and rhymes with refreshin.'"

-Conan O'Brien

***

The video game Grand Theft Auto IV went on sale today. It's

a shame kids these days are spending so much time playing

video games where they steal cars, and not getting out there

in the sunshine and really stealing cars." -Jimmy Kimmel

hUMOR For May 13th

"Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man

to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity."

-Karl Marx

***

"All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than

others." -George Orwell

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My 17-year-old niece asked me if she could use my name as a

reference on her resume', which she planned to submit to a

local fast-food restaurant. I agreed.

A few days later she called and asked me to meet her at the

restaurant later that afternoon. When I asked her why, she

replied, "The manager wants me to come in for an interview,

and she told me to bring my references."

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The first carload of Boy Scouts had left my house minutes

earlier, bound for our three-day wilderness trip. As I

backed my own vanload of Scouts out of my garage, I noticed

a pair of hiking boots on the back steps, so I stopped to

retrieve them.

An hour later, we caught up with the first car, which was

parked at a highway rest stop. Seeing me pull up, my assis-

tant Scout leader rolled down his window. "Your wife just

called on my cell phone," he said. "She asked if you knew

anything about the plumber's boots that were on your back

steps."

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"Waiting for Dark"

Preparing for a family vacation, Kathy and Matt explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"

After a few minutes of peaceful driving, four year old Rachel perked up, "Is it dark yet?"

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Oneliner

"You've got to spend money to lose money."

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CleanPun - "Dress Try"

Customer: I'd like to try on that dress in the window.

Saleslady: I'm sorry, madam, you'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.

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Rush Hour

My friend, a trucker, is often caught in commuter rush-hour traffic.
One morning when everything came to a standstill, he sat high up in
his 18-wheeler singing and whistling.

A passenger in a nearby car, frustrated by the delay, yelled up at my
brother, "What are you so happy about?"

"I'm already at work!" he cheerfully replied.

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Weird News

Management Lesson

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pinna coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Management lesson?

Always let your boss have the first say.

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Egomaniac

Q: How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

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Retiring

Of course, some people never retire...

Old golfers never retire, they just lose their drive.

Old lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away.

Accountants don't retire, they just lose their balance.

And bank managers don't retire, they just lose interest.

But what about vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day!

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Dumb Truckers

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Arkansas truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

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Common Tools Explained

To the unitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of common tools and their uses.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh rats!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bum per.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

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Yet Another Management Lesson

A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

hUMOR For May 12th

Ghost Car

A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy got into the back seat, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel! The car started slowly; the guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started to pray begging for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a curve.

Gathering his strength, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was serious.

About half an hour later, two guys walked in the same restaurant. They looked around for a table when one said to the other, "Look John, that's the guy who got in the car when we were pushing it."

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Car Won't Start

A husband came home from work one evening. He walked in the house and
saw his wife sitting on the couch watching TV. She told him she was
having trouble with her car.

"My car won't start," she said. "But I know what the problem is."

"OK, What's the problem?" the husband asked.

"There's water in the carburetor," she replied.

"Come on, honey," the husband said. "You don't know how a car works,
much less what the parts look like, so how can you tell me there's
water in the carburetor?"

"There's definitely water in the carburetor," the wife insisted.

"OK," the husband said. "I'll go take a look. Where is it?"

The wife said, "In the lake."

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Weird News

Stinky paycheck empties bank

DANBURY, Conn. (UPI) -- A truly stinky paycheck forced the evacuation of a bank in New Milford, Conn., and a lockdown of a nearby children's center, police say.

Police said after authorities were contacted by the Bank of America regarding a noxious smell Thursday, the New Milford bank was emptied to allow hazardous materials experts to search the premises, the Waterbury (Conn.) Republican-American reported.

Children at the Beehive Children's Center behind the bank were kept inside as a precaution during the search.

Police said the unusual smell was eventually traced to a paycheck handled by a man with machine cutting oil on his hands.

The check had been deposited at the bank and the smell never dissipated, the Republican-American reported.

The emergency precautions were called off after the smelly check was found and the bank was allowed to reopen about an hour after it was closed.

///

No. 10 chocolates a sweet gift indeed

LONDON (UPI) -- British Prime Minister Gordon Brown presented a pack of No. 10 chocolates to a lucky nurse in London, the elated woman said.

Nurse Zoe Broadhead said Brown personally gave her a box of the after-dinner mints, known for the No. 10 drawing on each wrapper, as a housewarming gift when she moved into a new housing development in London, the Daily Mail reported. The number refers to the prime minister's office address, 10 Downing St.

"Mr. Brown didn't say anything about the chocolates. He just handed them to me as he came into the room," Broadhead said. "He asked me about my decorating plans and joked about the colors I was going to paint my walls. The chocolates were a nice present, though I haven't eaten any of them yet."

Designed by businessman John Harrap, 300 boxes of the specialty candies were delivered to the prime minister's office to be given to lucky civil servants, the Mail reported.

///

Python did not get far in 2 days on loose

NEW FAIRFIELD, Conn. (UPI) -- A 6-foot python that escaped from a home in Connecticut turned out to have gotten no farther than the yard in two days on its own, neighbors said.

The snake was found by 8-year-old Michael Ruffino, the Danbury News Times reported. Michael and his parents, John and Diane, live next door to the snake's owner, Kelly Wiedl, in New Fairfield.

When he and his parents arrived home from church Saturday evening, Michael wondered just what a neighborhood cat was looking at in the bushes. It turned out to be the python.

Another neighbor, Mark Lefgren, did the snake-catching, getting the python into a flannel pillowcase.

Diane Ruffino said the snake, possibly stunned by cool temperatures, was not acting aggressively, although it did hiss at the cat. The cat simply looked bewildered.

"We've been looking since it was lost. We were hoping it would be found," Diane Ruffino said.

///

Man sued for hurling carrot at wife's eye

MONROE, Conn. (UPI) -- A Connecticut woman who lost an eye when her husband chucked a carrot at her reportedly is suing him for causing the injury.

Pamela Vecsey of Monroe, Conn., filed suit against her husband, claiming he threw a carrot 20 feet in her direction while they were having a dispute July 14, 2006, the Connecticut Post reported.

Vecsey's attorney said her client's eye burst when it was hit with the carrot. Vecsey reportedly replaced the ruptured eyeball with a glass eye.

Police arrested Roderick Vecsey, 48, and he was charged with second-degree assault and disorderly conduct, the newspaper said. However, the charges against him have been dismissed and the Vecseys are now residing in the same home, despite the lawsuit, the Post reported.

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Misbehaving Guide Dog

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the man's trouser leg.

The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit, which he fed to the dog.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!".

The blind man retorted, "I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find which end is his mouth so that I can boot him in the butt".

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Just Moved In

The Anderson family just moved into their new home when a neighbor asked 5-year-old Tommy Anderson how he liked it.

“It’s great,” Tommy said. “I have my very own room and my brother Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room too! But poor mom, she is still with dad…”

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Giraffe In A Pub

A guy wanders into a pub one evening followed by a giraffe. They sit down, and over a number of hours get extremely drunk. As the bar is shutting, the man goes to leave.

The man behing the bar yells "Oi mate. You can't leave that lyin' there!"

The drunk turns around and says, "Oi mate, it isnt a lion. Its a giraffe!"

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Proving a point

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

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Funny Guys

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a

nightclub after a late gig. They've heard one another's

material so much, they've reached the point where they don't

need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other -- they

just need to refer to each joke by a number.

"Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break

up.

"Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl.

Finally, it's the third comic's turn. "44!" he quips. He

gets nothing. Crickets.

"What?" he asks. "Isn't 44 funny?"

"Sure, it's usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way

you tell it..."

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"A great many people think they are thinking when they are

merely rearranging their prejudices." -William James

hUMOR For May 11th

The old west was full of cowboys who were good cow-ordinators.

They had consider-a-bull talent, though sometimes they would

stirrup trouble. Sometimes they took hay to bed in order to

feed their night mares. One cowboy reached for his gun and

drew a blank. Eventually they would go off to a rodeo to try

and get a few bucks.

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Put or Putt

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," replied the instructor. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it, of course. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

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Problem Solving

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.

"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?"

"Ummm, perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"

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Emo Burrito

How many emos does it take to microwave a mama’s burrito?

Answer: 4.

One to cry about it on LiveJournal.

One to make a Facebook about it.

One to take a picture of them taking a picture of themselves in a mirror and post it on LiveJournal and Facebook.

The other to make the mexican burrito.

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A Dreadful Fight

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

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Who Says Rednecks Are Dumb?

"Hello, is this the sheriff's office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's

hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how

he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's

house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no

marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the

phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy birthday, buddy!"

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Weird News

Lightning strikes twice at Pa. home

BALDWIN, Pa. (UPI) -- A Baldwin, Pa., man says his house caught fire after it was struck by lightning for the second time in its history.

The home, which was built by the man's father, was previously struck by lightning when he lived there as a child, WTAE-TV in Pittsburgh reported.

The homeowner said a neighbor helped him escape the house after the most recent lightning strike Wednesday night. Firefighters put out the blaze.

///

Quint's Stradivarius spends day in cab

NEW YORK (UPI) -- Renowned violinist Philippe Quint said he has recovered a borrowed $4 million Stradivarius violin that spent a day in the back of a New York cab.

Quint said he inadvertently left the instrument in the back of Mohamed Khalil's minivan cab after the taxi picked him up from Newark Airport shortly after midnight Monday morning, the New York Post reported.

The musician said he spent most of the day Monday on the phone trying to locate the cab that he hoped still contained the precious violin. He said Khalil attempted to refuse a cash reward for returning the item, but Quint insisted that the cabbie saved his life.

"I was thinking which way I was going to commit suicide if I didn't find it," Quint said he told Khalil.

He said the Stradivarius is now "glued to my body."

///

Zebra found in college building

OXFORD, Ga. (UPI) -- Campus police at Georgia's Emory University at Oxford said they were investigating the case of a kidnapped zebra that turned up in a college building.

Curtis Jackson, who owns Barcode the zebra, said he did not realize the 800-pound mammal was missing until Wednesday morning when animal control officials returned it to his 53-acre home, which is located about one mile from the college, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported Thursday.

"He's back in his pen, and he seems a little rowdy right now, but otherwise I think he's OK," Jackson said.

Campus police said Barcode was discovered on the third floor of Seney Hall when public safety workers opened the building Wednesday morning. Animal control officials said it did not take long to identify the zebra.

"How many people own zebras around here?" said Newton County Animal Control Director Teri Key-Hooson. "We figured it was Mr. Jackson's because we made a call out there for his zebra a couple of years ago."

Dean Stephen Bowen said the unknown zebra-nappers took measures to ensure the animal wasn't harmed.

"They lined up a row of chairs so the animal couldn't get close to the windows and injure itself," he said.

///

$28,000 in sunglasses stolen

SANTA FE, N.M. (UPI) -- The owner of a Santa Fe, N.M., high-end sunglasses store said a security camera recorded shady crooks stealing $28,000 worth of merchandise.

Brian Body, owner of Acoma Optical, said the thieves spent only 39 seconds in the store while stealing more than 80 pairs of expensive Versace, Gucci and Christian Dior shades, KRQE-TV, Albuquerque reported.

Body, who opened the store in February, said his insurance will cover the stolen sunglasses and broken window that the burglars used for their entrance.

"You build up something. You work very hard and somebody comes in and takes it in the middle of the night and takes advantage of that," he said. "I'm just thankful that everybody's OK."

Police said they were investigating whether the burglary is connected to two similar incidents at an Albuquerque motocross store and three burglaries in Albuquerque suburb Rio Rancho.

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"Put Him Back"

When my now 14-year-old daughter was 3 and her younger brother was getting into everything, she asked, "Mommy, can we put him back, now?"

Deciding to take this opportunity as a teaching moment in how siblings should treat each other, I explained to her that we could not put him back - that her brother was a gift from God.

She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and responded, "I understand, Mommy. God didn't want him either."

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CleanQuote

"Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?"

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King Of The Jungle?
How to tell if you're-a-lion' or a lion......

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The trembling monkey said, “You are, mighty lion!”

Later, the lion confronted an ox and fiercely bellowed, “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The terrified ox stammered, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”

On a roll now, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared his challenge.
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree several times, then stomped him until the lion was flat as a pancake.

Then the elephant took up a trunk-full of water, soaked the lion, and then trumpeted in victory before sauntering away.

The lion let out a moan, lifted his head weakly and hollered, “Just because you don’t know the answer, doesn’t mean you have to get all huffy about it.”

hUMOR For May 10th

Recent Quips from Late Night

"This was quite a debate. They touched on all the important issues that are facing Americans today. Bitterness. Flag pins. Retired preachers. Sixties radicals. Imaginary Bosnian snipers. Cookies. It was really quite a debate. I don't want to say Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos were awful, but today the FCC fined ABC for allowing boobs on the air." --Bill Maher

"A 5.2 earthquake hit Missouri, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky and Iowa this morning. Yeah, the shaking was so bad, small-town people were really clinging to their religion." --Jay Leno

"How about the presidential race? It's really interesting, isn't it? I mean usually, it's sort of interesting, and then toward the end it just gets plain dull. But so far, it's pretty interesting. And the election is just three years away." --David Letterman

"Hey, you might have noticed that Hillary 'I Might Be a Redneck' Clinton, you know, she's backing off that thing. Remember about going duck hunting? She's backed off that now. Remember how she said when she was a little girl, her dad taught her how to hunt and she shot a duck? Well, apparently, that story is not sitting well with the anti-gun and pro-animal rights people in the Democratic party. So, now she said, yes, it's true she did shoot a duck, but it was only in self-defense." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton now, over the weekend says that she is pro-gun, likes guns, and lovers to hunt ducks. Vice President Dick Cheney said 'Ooh stop, you're making me hot.'" --David Letterman

"And you know, the pope is in town. That's kind of exciting. Do you know this is the first papal visit to the White House in 29 years? Once again, I don't think President Bush is familiar with Catholic terminology. Like he said, 'What do you mean the first papal visit? We have people in and out of here all the time. I mean, every day, people go in and out.'" --Jay Leno

"But I didn't realize this, Hillary said that she once shot a duck, actually shot a duck. She was mad at the duck because it had an affair with a chubby intern." --David Letterman

"But wait a second, because there is one man who has a solution. John McCain ... presented his proposal. He says that over the summer we should have a 'Gas Tax Holiday.' For summer drivers, the 18 cent a gallon federal gas tax, he wants that lifted over the summer. Or as it used to be called, 'Grandpa is giving you $5.'" --Bill Maher

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Llama

Why did the Llama cross the road?

Because he was sick of the chicken doing it!

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Pub Stakeout

The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.

The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.

Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.

Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.

Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.

Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.

The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.

When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"

To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

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Cheesy Pick Up Lines

- Are you a surgeon? Cause you've just taken my heart away!

- Excuse me, but I think I dropped something ... My Jaw !!!

- If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.

- When God made you, he was showing off

- It's not my fault I fell in love. You're the one who tripped me!

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"Paris Hilton in going to star in a new reality show where

she looks for a new best friend to replace Nicole Richie.

So far the front-runner to replace Nicole is a No. 2 pencil."

-Conan O'Brien

***

"What a beautiful day. It's 75 and sunny. It was so beautiful,

the Statue of Liberty was holding a bottle of Corona."

-David Letterman

***

"China is pitching in for green week. From now on, all toys

from China will be made with recycled lead." -Jay Leno

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At the end of a particularly severe winter, we removed the

protective covers from our cabin cruiser and found that the

weight of the snow had broken the windshield. I drove to

the local glass shop, where I paid $110 for a replacement.

The owner asked if I'd like them to install it, but I said

I could handle it myself.

I managed to climb up the ladder to the deck before dropping

the glass. Sheepishly I returned to the shop. The owner

showed no emotion as he cut the second glass.

When I saw another $110 charge, I said, "I thought I might

get a break on the second piece of glass."

"I did give you a break," he replied.

"How so?" I asked.

"I didn't laugh, did I?" he answered.

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On a spring break trip to Italy, my friends and I were

standing just inside St. Peter's Basilica, the second

largest church in the world. The tour guide explained,

"This church is so large that no man on earth could hit a

baseball from one end to the other, not Lou Gehrig, Babe

Ruth, or even Mark McGuire."

My group stared in silence at the beautiful marble

sculptures, intricate paintings, and glorious mosaics

all around the enormous building. Then one girl inter-

rupted the silence with an astonished question: "You

mean, they actually let them hit baseballs in here?"

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A Kind Word

A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."

When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Where's the kind word?"

The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered, "Don't eat the meat loaf."

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British Speed Trap

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved
in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the
A-1 Great North Road. One of the officers used a hand-held radar
device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of
a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300
mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not
able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar
had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet, which was
engaged in a low-flying exercise over the
Border district, approaching from the North Sea.

Back at police headquarters, the chief constable fired off a stiff
complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the reply in true
laconic RAF style:

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on
this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical
computer in the Tornado had detected the
presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar
equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.

"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed
aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.

"Fortunately, the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation
for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert
status, and was able to override the automated defense system before
the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was
destroyed. Good Day..."

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"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late

for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the

refrigerator." --Bill Lawrence

***

"There's a religious group that goes door-to-door selling

cosmetics. They call themselves the Jo-joba's witnesses."

--Jeannie Dietz

***

"Electricity can be dangerous. I once watched my nephew try

to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't

go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he

was grounded." --Tim Allen

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A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked

if he had lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost

the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.

The called said that the bird had landed on his balcony

and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I

can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message

at the tone."

hUMOR For May 9th

Computer Lab Pranks

- Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my gosh! They've found me!" and bolt.

- Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

- When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.

- Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

- Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

- Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

- Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

- Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

- Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

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Agony

What is the definition of Agony?

A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy toes.

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Bad Golfer

Jim was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. Jim exploded.

"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.

"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

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Password

A guy was typing away at his home computer, when his six- year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.

Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

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Missing Wallet

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"

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Old Me

A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new man. But I have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong. It was my old man."

The judge responded, "Since it was the old man that broke the law, we'll sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an accomplice in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both to 90 days in jail."

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Four Things

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

They are four ways you can lose your house!

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Sandwiches

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

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Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after years of
hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, 'Son, I love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?'

His son replied, 'Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane.' His father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, 'Son, you are my pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's yours.

His son replied, 'Daddy, I would like a boat.' His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, 'Son, you
bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.'

His son replied, 'Daddy , I would like to be able to watch cartoons.'

His father bought him Disney Studios.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, 'Son, you are my life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will get it for you.'

His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, 'Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit'

His father bought him the Democratic Party and CBS news.

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Weird News

Thief reaches heights for copper wire

DULUTH, Minn. (UPI) -- A thief or thieves climbed 360 feet up a cell phone tower for 900 feet of copper wire worth $400 at a recycler, police in Duluth, Minn., say.

That's little more than a $1 a foot vertically or $2.25 a foot of wire, depending on how you look at it.

"I can't believe that," Tracy Broin, general manager at Arrowhead Tennis and Athletic Center where the tower is located, told the Duluth News Tribune. "It's not unusual to see people up there, but not trying to cut down stuff."

Duluth Deputy Police Chief Mike Tusken said the theft discovered last week is only the latest incident of what has become a prevalent problem the past three years, the Tribune reported Wednesday.

"We've had copper stolen from construction sites. We've had full spools being stolen from Minnesota Power. We've had it torn out and stripped out of walls of homes," Tusken said. "Spools of copper are like gold. If they can lift it and get it out, they will. They will knock down fences with trucks to get it out."

While the stolen wire is only worth about $400 if sold to a salvage yard, it will cost $6,000 to replace it on the cell phone tower.

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Prisoner scaled jail wall

MALMO, Sweden (UPI) -- A Malmo, Sweden, prison has come under fire after it emerged that a prisoner with mountain climbing experience scaled a prison wall.

The prisoner, who had trained for five years to become a mountain climber, successfully scaled the wall of the institution, but was caught 20 minutes later by a guard with a police dog, Swedish News Agency TT reported Wednesday.

Swedish Prison and Probation Service investigators have placed blame for the January incident on individual guards and the facility's overall security procedures.

"It (the escape) was far too easy and went far too quickly," the investigators said in a report.
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Children's book explains plastic surgery

BAL HARBOUR, Fla. (UPI) -- A Bal Harbour, Fla., plastic surgeon has authored a book designed to help mothers undergoing plastic surgery to explain the process to their young children.

Dr. Michael Salzhauer said he decided to author "My Beautiful Mommy" after he noticed the majority of his clientele is now comprised of young mothers seeking tummy tucks, breast lifts and other elective procedures, the New York Sun reported Wednesday.

"You see, as I got older, my body stretched and I couldn't fit into my clothes anymore. Dr. Michael is going to fix that and make me feel better," the mother in the book explains to her young daughter.

However, some parents said they would not want their children exposed to the subject matter.

"I'm concerned it promotes the wrong values," said Dennis Gault, 42, an elementary school teacher and father of a 9-year-old daughter. "I want to pass on the values of compassion and empathy. I want my daughter to be thinking about global issues -- not 'Is my stomach flat enough?'"

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Poorest Preacher

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When

I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers

we've ever had."