hUMOR For May 11th

The old west was full of cowboys who were good cow-ordinators.

They had consider-a-bull talent, though sometimes they would

stirrup trouble. Sometimes they took hay to bed in order to

feed their night mares. One cowboy reached for his gun and

drew a blank. Eventually they would go off to a rodeo to try

and get a few bucks.

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Put or Putt

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," replied the instructor. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it, of course. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

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Problem Solving

There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down.

"Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer.

"Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system."

"I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead."

They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?"

"Ummm, perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?"

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Emo Burrito

How many emos does it take to microwave a mama’s burrito?

Answer: 4.

One to cry about it on LiveJournal.

One to make a Facebook about it.

One to take a picture of them taking a picture of themselves in a mirror and post it on LiveJournal and Facebook.

The other to make the mexican burrito.

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A Dreadful Fight

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

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Who Says Rednecks Are Dumb?

"Hello, is this the sheriff's office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's

hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how

he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's

house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no

marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the

phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd. Did the sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy birthday, buddy!"

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Weird News

Lightning strikes twice at Pa. home

BALDWIN, Pa. (UPI) -- A Baldwin, Pa., man says his house caught fire after it was struck by lightning for the second time in its history.

The home, which was built by the man's father, was previously struck by lightning when he lived there as a child, WTAE-TV in Pittsburgh reported.

The homeowner said a neighbor helped him escape the house after the most recent lightning strike Wednesday night. Firefighters put out the blaze.

///

Quint's Stradivarius spends day in cab

NEW YORK (UPI) -- Renowned violinist Philippe Quint said he has recovered a borrowed $4 million Stradivarius violin that spent a day in the back of a New York cab.

Quint said he inadvertently left the instrument in the back of Mohamed Khalil's minivan cab after the taxi picked him up from Newark Airport shortly after midnight Monday morning, the New York Post reported.

The musician said he spent most of the day Monday on the phone trying to locate the cab that he hoped still contained the precious violin. He said Khalil attempted to refuse a cash reward for returning the item, but Quint insisted that the cabbie saved his life.

"I was thinking which way I was going to commit suicide if I didn't find it," Quint said he told Khalil.

He said the Stradivarius is now "glued to my body."

///

Zebra found in college building

OXFORD, Ga. (UPI) -- Campus police at Georgia's Emory University at Oxford said they were investigating the case of a kidnapped zebra that turned up in a college building.

Curtis Jackson, who owns Barcode the zebra, said he did not realize the 800-pound mammal was missing until Wednesday morning when animal control officials returned it to his 53-acre home, which is located about one mile from the college, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reported Thursday.

"He's back in his pen, and he seems a little rowdy right now, but otherwise I think he's OK," Jackson said.

Campus police said Barcode was discovered on the third floor of Seney Hall when public safety workers opened the building Wednesday morning. Animal control officials said it did not take long to identify the zebra.

"How many people own zebras around here?" said Newton County Animal Control Director Teri Key-Hooson. "We figured it was Mr. Jackson's because we made a call out there for his zebra a couple of years ago."

Dean Stephen Bowen said the unknown zebra-nappers took measures to ensure the animal wasn't harmed.

"They lined up a row of chairs so the animal couldn't get close to the windows and injure itself," he said.

///

$28,000 in sunglasses stolen

SANTA FE, N.M. (UPI) -- The owner of a Santa Fe, N.M., high-end sunglasses store said a security camera recorded shady crooks stealing $28,000 worth of merchandise.

Brian Body, owner of Acoma Optical, said the thieves spent only 39 seconds in the store while stealing more than 80 pairs of expensive Versace, Gucci and Christian Dior shades, KRQE-TV, Albuquerque reported.

Body, who opened the store in February, said his insurance will cover the stolen sunglasses and broken window that the burglars used for their entrance.

"You build up something. You work very hard and somebody comes in and takes it in the middle of the night and takes advantage of that," he said. "I'm just thankful that everybody's OK."

Police said they were investigating whether the burglary is connected to two similar incidents at an Albuquerque motocross store and three burglaries in Albuquerque suburb Rio Rancho.

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"Put Him Back"

When my now 14-year-old daughter was 3 and her younger brother was getting into everything, she asked, "Mommy, can we put him back, now?"

Deciding to take this opportunity as a teaching moment in how siblings should treat each other, I explained to her that we could not put him back - that her brother was a gift from God.

She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and responded, "I understand, Mommy. God didn't want him either."

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CleanQuote

"Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs?"

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King Of The Jungle?
How to tell if you're-a-lion' or a lion......

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The trembling monkey said, “You are, mighty lion!”

Later, the lion confronted an ox and fiercely bellowed, “Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?”
The terrified ox stammered, “Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!”

On a roll now, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared his challenge.
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree several times, then stomped him until the lion was flat as a pancake.

Then the elephant took up a trunk-full of water, soaked the lion, and then trumpeted in victory before sauntering away.

The lion let out a moan, lifted his head weakly and hollered, “Just because you don’t know the answer, doesn’t mean you have to get all huffy about it.”

hUMOR For May 10th

Recent Quips from Late Night

"This was quite a debate. They touched on all the important issues that are facing Americans today. Bitterness. Flag pins. Retired preachers. Sixties radicals. Imaginary Bosnian snipers. Cookies. It was really quite a debate. I don't want to say Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos were awful, but today the FCC fined ABC for allowing boobs on the air." --Bill Maher

"A 5.2 earthquake hit Missouri, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky and Iowa this morning. Yeah, the shaking was so bad, small-town people were really clinging to their religion." --Jay Leno

"How about the presidential race? It's really interesting, isn't it? I mean usually, it's sort of interesting, and then toward the end it just gets plain dull. But so far, it's pretty interesting. And the election is just three years away." --David Letterman

"Hey, you might have noticed that Hillary 'I Might Be a Redneck' Clinton, you know, she's backing off that thing. Remember about going duck hunting? She's backed off that now. Remember how she said when she was a little girl, her dad taught her how to hunt and she shot a duck? Well, apparently, that story is not sitting well with the anti-gun and pro-animal rights people in the Democratic party. So, now she said, yes, it's true she did shoot a duck, but it was only in self-defense." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton now, over the weekend says that she is pro-gun, likes guns, and lovers to hunt ducks. Vice President Dick Cheney said 'Ooh stop, you're making me hot.'" --David Letterman

"And you know, the pope is in town. That's kind of exciting. Do you know this is the first papal visit to the White House in 29 years? Once again, I don't think President Bush is familiar with Catholic terminology. Like he said, 'What do you mean the first papal visit? We have people in and out of here all the time. I mean, every day, people go in and out.'" --Jay Leno

"But I didn't realize this, Hillary said that she once shot a duck, actually shot a duck. She was mad at the duck because it had an affair with a chubby intern." --David Letterman

"But wait a second, because there is one man who has a solution. John McCain ... presented his proposal. He says that over the summer we should have a 'Gas Tax Holiday.' For summer drivers, the 18 cent a gallon federal gas tax, he wants that lifted over the summer. Or as it used to be called, 'Grandpa is giving you $5.'" --Bill Maher

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Llama

Why did the Llama cross the road?

Because he was sick of the chicken doing it!

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Pub Stakeout

The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.

The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.

Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.

Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.

Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.

Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.

The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.

When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"

To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

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Cheesy Pick Up Lines

- Are you a surgeon? Cause you've just taken my heart away!

- Excuse me, but I think I dropped something ... My Jaw !!!

- If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.

- When God made you, he was showing off

- It's not my fault I fell in love. You're the one who tripped me!

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"Paris Hilton in going to star in a new reality show where

she looks for a new best friend to replace Nicole Richie.

So far the front-runner to replace Nicole is a No. 2 pencil."

-Conan O'Brien

***

"What a beautiful day. It's 75 and sunny. It was so beautiful,

the Statue of Liberty was holding a bottle of Corona."

-David Letterman

***

"China is pitching in for green week. From now on, all toys

from China will be made with recycled lead." -Jay Leno

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At the end of a particularly severe winter, we removed the

protective covers from our cabin cruiser and found that the

weight of the snow had broken the windshield. I drove to

the local glass shop, where I paid $110 for a replacement.

The owner asked if I'd like them to install it, but I said

I could handle it myself.

I managed to climb up the ladder to the deck before dropping

the glass. Sheepishly I returned to the shop. The owner

showed no emotion as he cut the second glass.

When I saw another $110 charge, I said, "I thought I might

get a break on the second piece of glass."

"I did give you a break," he replied.

"How so?" I asked.

"I didn't laugh, did I?" he answered.

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On a spring break trip to Italy, my friends and I were

standing just inside St. Peter's Basilica, the second

largest church in the world. The tour guide explained,

"This church is so large that no man on earth could hit a

baseball from one end to the other, not Lou Gehrig, Babe

Ruth, or even Mark McGuire."

My group stared in silence at the beautiful marble

sculptures, intricate paintings, and glorious mosaics

all around the enormous building. Then one girl inter-

rupted the silence with an astonished question: "You

mean, they actually let them hit baseballs in here?"

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A Kind Word

A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."

When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Where's the kind word?"

The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered, "Don't eat the meat loaf."

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British Speed Trap

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved
in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the
A-1 Great North Road. One of the officers used a hand-held radar
device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of
a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300
mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not
able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar
had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet, which was
engaged in a low-flying exercise over the
Border district, approaching from the North Sea.

Back at police headquarters, the chief constable fired off a stiff
complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the reply in true
laconic RAF style:

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on
this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical
computer in the Tornado had detected the
presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar
equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it.

"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed
aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment.

"Fortunately, the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation
for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert
status, and was able to override the automated defense system before
the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was
destroyed. Good Day..."

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"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late

for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the

refrigerator." --Bill Lawrence

***

"There's a religious group that goes door-to-door selling

cosmetics. They call themselves the Jo-joba's witnesses."

--Jeannie Dietz

***

"Electricity can be dangerous. I once watched my nephew try

to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't

go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he

was grounded." --Tim Allen

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A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked

if he had lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost

the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.

The called said that the bird had landed on his balcony

and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I

can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message

at the tone."

hUMOR For May 9th

Computer Lab Pranks

- Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my gosh! They've found me!" and bolt.

- Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

- When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.

- Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

- Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

- Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

- Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

- Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

- Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

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Agony

What is the definition of Agony?

A one-armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy toes.

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Bad Golfer

Jim was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. Jim exploded.

"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.

"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

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Password

A guy was typing away at his home computer, when his six- year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.

Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"

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Missing Wallet

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"

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Old Me

A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new man. But I have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong. It was my old man."

The judge responded, "Since it was the old man that broke the law, we'll sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an accomplice in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both to 90 days in jail."

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Four Things

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

They are four ways you can lose your house!

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Sandwiches

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

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Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after years of
hoping. The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye.

Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, 'Son, I love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?'

His son replied, 'Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane.' His father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, 'Son, you are my pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's yours.

His son replied, 'Daddy, I would like a boat.' His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.

Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, 'Son, you
bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.'

His son replied, 'Daddy , I would like to be able to watch cartoons.'

His father bought him Disney Studios.

Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, 'Son, you are my life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will get it for you.'

His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, 'Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit'

His father bought him the Democratic Party and CBS news.

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Weird News

Thief reaches heights for copper wire

DULUTH, Minn. (UPI) -- A thief or thieves climbed 360 feet up a cell phone tower for 900 feet of copper wire worth $400 at a recycler, police in Duluth, Minn., say.

That's little more than a $1 a foot vertically or $2.25 a foot of wire, depending on how you look at it.

"I can't believe that," Tracy Broin, general manager at Arrowhead Tennis and Athletic Center where the tower is located, told the Duluth News Tribune. "It's not unusual to see people up there, but not trying to cut down stuff."

Duluth Deputy Police Chief Mike Tusken said the theft discovered last week is only the latest incident of what has become a prevalent problem the past three years, the Tribune reported Wednesday.

"We've had copper stolen from construction sites. We've had full spools being stolen from Minnesota Power. We've had it torn out and stripped out of walls of homes," Tusken said. "Spools of copper are like gold. If they can lift it and get it out, they will. They will knock down fences with trucks to get it out."

While the stolen wire is only worth about $400 if sold to a salvage yard, it will cost $6,000 to replace it on the cell phone tower.

///

Prisoner scaled jail wall

MALMO, Sweden (UPI) -- A Malmo, Sweden, prison has come under fire after it emerged that a prisoner with mountain climbing experience scaled a prison wall.

The prisoner, who had trained for five years to become a mountain climber, successfully scaled the wall of the institution, but was caught 20 minutes later by a guard with a police dog, Swedish News Agency TT reported Wednesday.

Swedish Prison and Probation Service investigators have placed blame for the January incident on individual guards and the facility's overall security procedures.

"It (the escape) was far too easy and went far too quickly," the investigators said in a report.
///

Children's book explains plastic surgery

BAL HARBOUR, Fla. (UPI) -- A Bal Harbour, Fla., plastic surgeon has authored a book designed to help mothers undergoing plastic surgery to explain the process to their young children.

Dr. Michael Salzhauer said he decided to author "My Beautiful Mommy" after he noticed the majority of his clientele is now comprised of young mothers seeking tummy tucks, breast lifts and other elective procedures, the New York Sun reported Wednesday.

"You see, as I got older, my body stretched and I couldn't fit into my clothes anymore. Dr. Michael is going to fix that and make me feel better," the mother in the book explains to her young daughter.

However, some parents said they would not want their children exposed to the subject matter.

"I'm concerned it promotes the wrong values," said Dennis Gault, 42, an elementary school teacher and father of a 9-year-old daughter. "I want to pass on the values of compassion and empathy. I want my daughter to be thinking about global issues -- not 'Is my stomach flat enough?'"

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Poorest Preacher

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When

I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers

we've ever had."

hUMOR For May 8th

Banged Up

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily

bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to

take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top

of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of

the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I

couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go

round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see

what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that

sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I

stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?"

asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

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On the Way to Heaven

One day a Jerry, Perry, and Cletus were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

So Jerry made it to the 45th step and laughed.

Perry made it to the 200th step and laughed.

But Cletus made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

God asked, "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"

Cletus responded, "I know I just now got the first one!!!"

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Firing Squad

Jerry, Perry, and Cletus get captured and are placed before a firing squad. They are about to be executed when Jerry exclaims, "Look...Hurricane" and points to his left while he gets away.

Perry follows up with, "Look...Tornado," points and gets away.

Finally Cletus tries to do the same thing and says "Fire!"

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Snickerin' at Bumpers

- Hang up and drive!

- Welcome to America. Now speak English

- Heart Attacks. God's revenge for eating His animal friends.

- Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.

- Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people: "Everybody, But Me."

- Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

- Everyone has the right to be stupid but you abuse the privilege.

- I smile because I have no Idea whats going on.

- Stop following me. I don't know where I'm going

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Little Johnny and Geography

Teacher: Little Vernie, go to the map and find North America.

Little Vernie: Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

Class: Little Vernie!

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"Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own short-

comings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather

engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects

in other people's characters." --Margaret Halsey

***

"There are two kinds of people who never amount to much:

those who cannot do what they are told, and those who can

do nothing else." --Cyrus Curtis

***

"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love

our enemies; probably because generally they are the same

people." --G. K. Chesterton

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When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite

friendly with my study partner, a 64-year-old man, who

had returned to school to finish his degree. He confessed,

with a wink, that he had once thought more than friendship

might be a possibility between us.

"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.

"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age

difference between a man and woman was insurmountable. He

looked at my chart and said, 'You're interested in someone

who's 104?'"

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Some time ago, there was this artist who worked from a

studio in his home. He specialized in nudes and had been

working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for

several months now.

As usual, his model reported and after exchanging the

usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress

for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, that he felt pretty bad with a

cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her

for the day but that she could just go home; he just

wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the

least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were

sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and

enjoying their tea when he heard the front door open and

close, then some familiar footsteps. "Oh my God!" he

whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your

clothes off!"

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Wirgin Honeymoon
Ole's par-fect golf experience...

Ole, out on the golf course, takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the Doctor.

He said, “How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancée, Lena, is still a wirgin - in every vay.”

The Doctor told him, “I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.”

He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, and taped it all together - quite an impressive work of art.

Ole mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon.

That night in the motel room, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful untouched breasts. She said, “You're the first vun. No vun has EVER seen deez.”

Ole immediately drops his pants and replies, “Look at dis, still in da CRATE!”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Wake Up!

Two mothers are having a conversation about their children one day.

"How do you get your son up so early on school mornings?" asks the first woman.

"Oh, that's easy," replies the second. "I just throw the cat on his bed."

"Why does that wake him up?"

"He sleeps with the dog!"

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Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


4. A dog's parents never visit.


5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.


7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.


8. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.


9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.


10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'


11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.


12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.


13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.


14. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.


And last, but not least,

15. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff

hUMOR For May 7th

Weird News

Man spends 41 hours stuck in elevator

NEW YORK (UPI) -- A New York man who spent 41 hours trapped in an elevator with no food or water last fall got a moment in the sun Monday, appearing on national television.

Nicholas White, 34, said he was on his way back to his office on the 39th floor of his building after a late-night cigarette break one Friday last October when the elevator stopped between floors and refused to budge, ABC's "Good Morning America" reported exclusively.

White said he screamed and rang the emergency bell, but no one heard him.

"After a certain amount of time I knew I was in big trouble," said White, who said he lost track of time without his cell phone.

"I had no idea if it was day or night," he said.

White said he urinated by prying the doors open and relieving himself down the elevator shaft.

It wasn't until 4 p.m. Sunday that a voice came over the intercom and asked if anyone was inside the elevator.

White, who received a settlement from the building, said that despite his ordeal, which was recorded by a surveillance video camera, he has not given up elevators.

"Living in Manhattan, I'd be seriously limiting my life if I didn't take elevators," he said.

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Police: Man tried to take M&M statue

SHEBOYGAN, Wis. (UPI) -- Police in Sheboygan, Wis., said a Pick N' Save grocery store employee rescued a peanut M&M statue from a would-be thief.

Investigators said the employee spotted a man walking out of the store with the 3-foot-tall, yellow M&M statue and followed the would-be candy-napper to his car, the Sheboygan Press reported Monday.

The employee confronted the man, who offered to pay $5 for the item -- which is worth closer to $50 -- and the suspect drove away after the employee grabbed the statue from his car.

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Man cites cop for parking

PORTLAND, Ore. (UPI) -- A Portland, Ore., man has issued a series of citizen-initiated parking charges against a police officer he claims illegally parked his patrol vehicle.

Eric Bryant, who recently passed the Oregon bar exam, said he confronted Officer Chad Stensgaard at a Chinese restaurant March 7 after he witnessed the officer parking next to a "No Parking" sign, the Portland Mercury reported.

Bryant claims Stensgaard admitted parking improperly, but asked, "If someone broke into your house, would you rather have the police be able to park in front of your house or have to park three blocks away and walk there?"

However, Bryant said the officer did nothing inside the restaurant other than apparently pick up some food he ordered.

"If he had acknowledged and corrected his error, we could have avoided his whole thing," said Bryant. "But instead, he kept watching basketball and told me he wasn't doing anything wrong."

Bryant initiated violation proceedings as a citizen against Stensgaard -- alleging illegal parking, illegal stopping, not obeying parking restrictions on state highways, and illegal operation of an emergency vehicle or ambulance. If the judge agrees with Bryant in court May 23, Stensgaard could face $540 in fines.

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The Frog and the Rat

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."

The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.

The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night." The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog."

Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and franticaly asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.

The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act." The drunks says "not for sale". The agent says, "Okay, 100 grand for just the scatting rat." The drunk say, "Deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.

The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"

The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a ventriliquist"

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Heaven's Ugliest

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "Okay, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you end with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them."

She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

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Lost in the Middle of Nowhere

One day three guys were driving in the middle of nowhere when their car broke down. They got out and looked around at their surroundings.

Finally, the first guy says, "I'm gonna go look for some food."

The other two guys say, "Why?".

"So we can eat of course." says the first guy.

Once the first guy comes back the second guy says, "I'm going to go get some water".

"Why" asked the other two.

"So we can drink it if we get thirsty of course".

Once the second guy gets back the third guy goes and tears off the car door.

"Whats that for?" asked the other two.

"In case we get hot we can roll down the window."

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Hemp Bags

Jerry, Perry, and Cletus escaped from jail. They were being chased by the police. They were running through the streets when they saw an old barn. So they ran in and found three hemp bags. They all jumped in.

The coppers walked in the barn and saw the three hemp bags. One copper goes to the other "Kick the hemp bags to make sure nothing's in them"

So the copper walks up to the heshin bag with Jerry and kicked it.

He said "Meow Meow" and the coppers thought it was a cat and walked to the next hemp bag.

The copper kicked the second heshin bag with Perry in it. He said "Woof Woof" so the coppers walked to the third hemp bag thinking a dog was in the second one.

The copper kicked the third heshin bag with Cletus in it. And he said "Potatoes".

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"One Room School"

The board of education in a nearby town sold off a building that had been a one-room schoolhouse, which the buyer converted into a tavern.

One day an elderly man was walking by the place with his granddaughter. The old man pointed to the building and said, "That's where I used to go to school."

"Really?" asked the girl. "Who was the bartender then?"

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CleanQuote

"Old age comes at a very bad time"
- Author Unknown

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Illustration - "Revelation"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

My wife's family and I were at a Harding University football game. Every time someone carried the ball or made a tackle, the announcer would broadcast who had made the play.

Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer called a play, my niece, Madison, looked up at my wife and innocently asked, "Is that God talking?"

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Young Patient

My nursing colleague was preparing an intravenous line for a 15
year-old male patient. The bedside phone rang and the boy's mother
reached over to pick it up.

After talking for a few minutes, the mother held the phone aside and
said, "Your father wants to know if you have any cute nurses."

The boy gazed at the nurse, who had the needle poised above his arm,
ready for insertion. "Tell him," he replied, "they're absolutely gorgeous!"

hUMOR For May 6th

Commit the Husband

A woman went to her doctor and said, "I want to have my husband committed."

"Well, it's not that simple. You need proof that he's mentally incompetent."

"He goes ice fishing."

"Okay. Close enough for me."

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They say not to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I'll

be darned if I am going to roll 12 shopping carts out of the

grocery store!

***

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent

Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing

on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a

weapon.

***

Most people are unwilling to sell their souls; but they

usually aren't opposed to renting them out for an hour or

two.

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I was helping a friend of mine with his roadside farm stand

when a man stopped by and asked how much the eggs were.

"Sixty cents for the small, seventy cents for the medium,

ninety cents for the large and thirty cents for the cracked

ones," I answered.

"All right," he said, "crack me a dozen of the large ones."

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A group of junior-level executives were participating in

a management training program. The seminar leader pounded

home his point about the need to make decisions and take

action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log

and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would

you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five

because there is a difference between deciding to jump and

jumping."

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Weird News

Thief runs off with empty register

KISSIMMEE, Fla. (UPI) -- A thief was caught on surveillance video breaking into a Florida restaurant to steal an empty cash register, police said.

Kissimmee police said security footage shows a robber smashing the restaurant's window and going into the building, WKMG-TV in Orlando reported.

Police said the robber was a 175-pound Hispanic male about 5 feet, 9 inches in height. They said he had on white shoes and was dressed in a short-sleeve shirt and shorts.

The video reportedly was taken April 5 at the Azteca restaurant in Kissimmee.

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No more strain on grid from TV audience

LONDON (UPI) -- Engineers with the British National Grid have found a symptom of the fragmented TV audience -- the end of huge surges of electrical use after popular shows.

The 1990 World Cup semifinal between England and Germany set an all-time record of 2,800 megawatts as more than 1 million people turned on their electric kettles at the same time after the game, The Scotsman reports. The final episode of "The Thornbirds," a mini-series starring Richard Chamberlain that aired in Britain in 1984, is a close second at 2,600 megawatts.

But the latest incarnation of "Doctor Who," the science fiction series that has been running for decades, created only a 400-megawatt surge, roughly the equivalent of 160,000 electric kettles.

While sports events, especially late World Cup games with England playing, can still cause a surge, the 2,290-megawatt surge that followed the 2002 "who shot Phil Mitchell" episode of the popular prime-time soap opera "East Enders" appears likely to be the last caused by a dramatic TV episode.

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Cop rescues pet store owner from python

EUGENE, Ore. (UPI) -- An Oregon police officer and firefighters saved a pet store owner from a 12-foot Burmese python, using a screw driver to pry open the snake's jaws.

Sgt. Ryan Nelson told the Eugene (Ore.) Register-Guard his first thought when he reached the store Thursday was to cut off the python's head. But Teresa Rossiter, who owns Best Friends with her husband, begged him not to, even though the snake was biting her ring finger and coiled around her body.

While Rossiter lay on the floor, the snake slowly tightening its grip, Nelson put on gloves and tried getting the mouth open. A firefighter poured cold water on its head, which did not work either.

Finally, a firefighter used the screw driver while Nelson pulled Rossiter to safety. He then wrangled the angry snake into its cage.

Rossiter said she opened the cage to show off the python and forgot she had been handling mice.

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Rare Disease Diet

A man returns from Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. Suddenly, the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but it's the only food we can get under the door."

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A Real Person

Manning the computer help desk for the local school district was my
first job. And though I was just an intern, I took the job very
seriously. But not every caller took me seriously.

"Can I talk to a real person?" a caller asked.

"I am real," I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the caller said. "That was rude of me. What I meant
to say was, could I talk to someone who actually knows something?"

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"In Texas, pranksters threw a snake into the drive through

window at a Taco Bell. Fortunately, the snake was immediately

killed by all the rats in the kitchen." -Conan O'Brien

***

"An 18 year-old woman was arrested after spending the past

eight months pretending to be a student at Stanford

university and living in their dorms, even though she was

not enrolled there. She pretended to be a student for eight

months. Hey, that's nothing. I pretended to be a student

for four years!" -Jay Leno

***

"It's always the same with new inventions. I can remember

when calculators came out. We weren't allowed to use them

in school. The teachers would say, 'Calculators prevent

you from learning arithmetic.' I'd say, 'I'm going into

show business.' 'Well, you'll need arithmetic to count

your crushed dreams.'" -Craig Ferguson

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One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub,

only to find the place packed with young people. At 40,

we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit,

a tall, handsome man approached us.

"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I

thought.

Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one

of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You were my

third grade teacher."

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Woman: "No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the

Trix because he was an adult rabbit, and Trix were only

supposed to be for kids."

Man: "Well, I always thought it was just because he was a

rabbit and not a person."

[A period of silence -- the woman looks down at her food.]

Man: "What's wrong?"

Woman: "I'm just really getting tired of you always being

wrong."

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Birth Facility

My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new

birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room

had a hot tub, soft music, and candlelight. "What do you

think?" she asked.

He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first

place?"