hUMOR For April 27th

New Apartment

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to
prospective tenants and asking the usual questions.

"Professionally employed?" he asked.

"We're a military family," the wife answered.

"Children?"

"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.

"Animals?"

"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

”Driver's Test”

It was just another day at the DMV. I had taken a woman out on her driving test when a police cruiser came up behind us--sirens wailing, lights flashing.

"Was I speeding?" she asked the officer, after both cars pulled over.

"No," said the officer. "But you are driving a stolen vehicle."

Smiling awkwardly, the woman turned to me. "Does this mean I failed my test?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Deep Voice

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep

voice: DIG!

He looks around; nobody's there. "I am having

hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I

SAID, DIG!

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and

after a bit, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: OPEN!

OK, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock

with which to break the lock, and when the chest is finally

open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!

Well, the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes

the chest and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: ROULETTE!

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette

tokens and goes to one of the tables where the players gaze

at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: 27!

The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The

table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier

throws the ball.

The ball stays at the 26.

The deep voice says: OOOPS!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Fishing Advice

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything

all day. Then another fisherman walks by with a huge load of

fish. They ask him, "Excuse me, but where did you get all

those fish?"

The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream

until the water isn't salty, you will find a ton of hungry

fish."

They thank him and go on their way. Fifteen minutes later,

one fisherman says to the other, "Fill the bucket up with

water and see if the water is salty."

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope.

Still salty." Thirty minutes later, he asks him to check

again.

"Nope, still salty." One hour later they check again. "Nope.

Still salty."

"This isn't good," one fisherman finally says. "We have been

walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"

"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Taxes were due today. I don't like writing the check. I

thought we were supposed to be passing the irresponsible

spending onto our grandchildren. What happened to that?"

-Jimmy Kimmel

***

"In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said he and Angelina Jolie

would like to have another baby. Angelina denied the story

and said, 'Brad must have misunderstood when I said I was in

the mood for Chinese.'" -Conan O'Brien

***

"According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for

your prostate. Well, I'm glad they got this out in time.

I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no

idea it's bad for you." -Jay Leno

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the

amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for

the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago),

but because nobody else could use the phone.

So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for

her with her own private number and directory listing.

Two or three days after her telephone had been installed,

he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with

her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the

family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently

on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he

yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"

"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my

phone."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his

latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape.

His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.

Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking

little traveled routes, running across deserted fields and

taking every precaution he could think of.

Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell.

His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-

nothing bum! Where the hell have ya been? You escaped over

12 hours ago."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Work Vs. Prison

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 desk cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family on the phone.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

Have a Great Day at WORK - I'm going to PRISON!!!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Adopted Twins

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Minnesota Ghost

This happened about a month ago just outside of Willmar, a little town in the back country of Minnesota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into town, into Willmar.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the rain."

hUMOR For April 26th

Illustration - "Prayer"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What is prayer?"

One of her pupils answered, "That's a message sent to God at night and on Sundays, when the rates are lower."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Family Vacation

Preparing for a family vacation, my sister-in-law and her husband
explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the
car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be
arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not
to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"

After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old daughter
perked up. "Is it dark yet?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Werid News

Feral burros may be saved by collars

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- Residents of Riverside County, Calif., are hoping to save hundreds of wild burros by equipping the animals with reflective collars, a former rodeo rider says.

Former rodeo rider Kim Terry says he and several neighbors think the reflective collars should make the animals more noticeable on busy roads at night, the Los Angeles Times reported.

Rhonda Leavitt said the collars are made from cheap belts, but they're not meant as a fashion statement.

"They don't care what they look like," she said. "And the belts reflect like you wouldn't believe."

Leavitt, 50, told the Times the burros are at risk when dry weather prompts them to search out new sources of water.

Riverside County Animal Control field services commander Rita Gutierrez told the Times the idea could save lives.

"It's a clever idea and it certainly can't hurt," she said.

////////

USC society wraps bike racks in cellophane

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- Skull and Dagger, an honorary society at the University of Southern California, has wrapped every on-campus bike rack with cellophane, one member said.

Society members even wrapped up one campus cyclist, the Los Angeles Times reported.

"This one kid came up to us and yelled, 'You can't wrap up my bike!'" the anonymous Skull and Dagger member said. "He ended up getting wrapped up with his bike."

The prank targeted freshmen and sophomores with early-morning classes. One society member said the sleepy underclassmen were shocked.

"One kid was so sleepy he didn't even notice his bike was wrapped. He kept trying to pull it out," the member told the Times. "Once they realized what happened, they all took off running for class."

/////

Villages hope to black out millipedes

BALCHRICK, Scotland (UPI) -- People in three remote Scottish villages should try a World War II-style blackout in their war against inch-long invading millipedes, a property manager urges.

No one is sure why the millipedes have become so numerous recently. But in the last four years, thousands have appeared every spring in the villages on a tract of land owned by the John Muir Trust on the Sutherland coast, The Scotsman reports.

Cathel Morrison, land manager for the trust, said millipede experts suggest trying blacking out homes to deter the nocturnal insects.

The millipedes are harmless. They do not bite, spread disease or devour crops. And that is part of the problem. Authorities can offer little help in getting rid of them.

Experts say using thick curtains and dark shades to keep light from being visible through the windows after dark, might work because the millipedes are attracted to light. During the war, the blackout was imposed to keep British cities and towns invisible to German bombers.

Bridget Graham, the postmistress in Balchrick, said she plans to try it.

"I'll try anything," she said. "They are horrible. They start in April and last year they were still coming in in October."

/////

'Wayne's World' spindle up for sale

BERWYN, Ill. (UPI) -- The owners of Berwyn's Spindle in Berwyn, Ill., are putting the structure of skewered automobiles featured in the film "Wayne's World" up for sale.

Michael Flight of Concordia Realty, the firm that manages the shopping mall where the spindle is located, said the cost to remove it was so high the decision was made to put it up for sale on eBay, the Chicago Sun-Times reported.

"The concrete isn't included. Just the cars and pole,'' Flight said. "If someone wants to buy it and give it a home, we're willing to sell it to them. Otherwise, we're planning on probably taking it down sometime this year."

The eBay listing starts the bidding at $50,000 and identifies it as "an internationally known roadside monument," in part for its appearance in the 1992 comedy.

Potential buyers beware -- the shipping costs for Berwyn's Spindle cold run as high as $100,000.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Making Cents of Football

Cletus took Maynard to his first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's Bench. After the game, Cletus asked Maynard how he liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," he replied, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, Cletus asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I mean, come on... it's only twenty-five cents!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Family Business

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law.

"Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Rude Parrot

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ”Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” She was incredibly upset now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. “Hey, lady!” it said.

“Yes?”

“You know.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

New Tie

My husband said he wanted a tie for his birthday that would match the color of his eyes. Does anyone know where I can buy a bloodshot tie?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Former presidential candidate John Edwards announced this

week he will not accept the nomination for vice president.

That's what he said. He will not accept the vice presidential

nomination. To which the cashier at Wendy's said, 'You want

a frosty with this, mister? People are waiting.'" -Jay Leno

***

"In Florida, two 55-year-old women were arrested for robbing

banks while dressed as ninjas. If they're convicted the women

could be given 10 years in prison and a Lifetime movie of the

week." -Conan O'Brien

***

"It's tax time. I saw this the other day: The United States

government takes a third of your money. A third. My God,

it's like being married to Heather Mills." -David Letterman

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

My husband seems to feel one should get their money's worth

on vacation. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to frolic every

minute or not. But once when I was sitting in a beach chair

on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is

costing us $300 a day - and you sit there reading a book!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Dobbins lost his eye in an accident and couldn't afford the

price of a glass eye. So he carved one out of wood. But he

was so self-conscious that he never left the house.

Finally, his friend Eddy came over and forced him to go out.

"There's a dance over at the club," he said. "So what if one

of your eyes is made out of wood?"

"All right," said Dobbins, "but if anybody makes fun of my

eye I'm leaving."

He went to the dance and stood around, trying to build up his

courage. And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner.

She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback.

"She's worse off than me," Dobbins thought. "The least I can

do is ask her to dance.

He walked across the crowded dance floor and approached the

girl. "Would you care to dance?" he asked.

"Would I?!" she exclaimed.

"That does it," he shouted, "Hunchback! Hunchback!"

hUMOR For April 25th

Fairest Tax?

At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state

tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation

they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a

white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll

tax," he said.

"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner.

"Ay-ah," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Listen Carefully

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.

The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared. "This is not what you promised me," said Osama.

"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Live and Learn

Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.

"Sadness," he replied.

"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.

"Elation," he replied.

"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Have Some Perspective

A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"

The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"

"No," says the bum.

The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"

Again the bum says, "No."

So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Life's a Mess

A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."

"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.

"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"According to his tax return, last year Vice President Dick

Cheney donated over $166,000 to charity. Most of the money

went to Cheney's favorite holiday charity, 'Coal for Tots.'"

-Conan O'Brien

***

"Taxes are due Tuesday. I recommend this: At 11 o'clock

Tuesday night, take 20 minutes to make up a bunch of numbers.

Put them in an envelope; drive around until you find one of

those post offices that are open until midnight. No problem."

-Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Technically, you're not paying taxes. According to the Bush

administration, your bank account is being liberated."

—Jay Leno

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"This year, there are some major changes that you, as a tax-

payer, should be aware of. This year, every taxpayer, living

or dead, must file two tax returns. One of these is your

regular tax return, which is for your regular federal govern-

ment headquartered in Washington, D.C. But you must also file

a shadow tax return, including a shadow tax payment.

"This is a top-secret operation that, according to The

Washington Post, has been set up in a heavily guarded, un-

disclosed location in the basement of the Big Boy restaurant

in Bismarck, N.D. The function of the shadow government is

to ensure that, even if the "unthinkable" happens, we, as

American citizens, will still have a central federal authority

with the ability and resources to provide us with a tax code.

"The shadow government is basically a scaled-down version of

the one in Washington, with everything necessary to continue

critical government operations, including lobbyists, an

exact working replica of Dick Cheney, a Starbucks, a five-

foot-high Washington monument, and a miniature "congress"

made up of gerbils wearing tiny suits who have been trained

to hold hearings and authorize the construction of unnecessary

highway projects named after Robert C. Byrd."

-Dave Barry

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked

up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from

the forge.

He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his

pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.

The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot,

wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it

just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Time Management for School Assignments

SHORT TERM ASSIGNMENTS:

Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner.

• 15 minutes looking for the assignment.
• 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
• 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
• 8 minutes in the bathroom.
• 10 minutes getting a snack.
• 7 minutes checking the TV guide.
• 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
• 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom and Dad to do the assignment.

LONG TERM ASSIGNMENTS:

• These are given the night before they are due. This explains the name "long term".
• It is a long term commitment time that begins at 9:30 PM and ends no earlier than 11:50 PM.
• It is important that the whole family is involved in the project.
• It is imperative that at least one family member races to the store for poster board, and that at least one family member ends up in tears. (This does not have to be the student!)
• One parent needs to stay up and complete the project, the other parent needs to call the school and leave a message that the student is out sick.
• It is not necessary to have the student's name on the assignment.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"One Hard Question"

There was a student who wanted to be admitted to the University.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GED, and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

"How???????" the interviewer shot back, smiling. ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

The student was admitted to the University.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanQuote

"Money talks, but credit has an echo."

hUMOR For April 24th

*Things That Never Happened On Star Trek*..

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a

type it has encountered several times before.

2. The Enterprise visits a remote outpost of scientists,

who are all perfectly all right.

3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works

properly.

4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new life-

form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old

life form wearing a funny hat.

5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious

plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-

stocked Enterprise sick-bay.

6. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a

less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by

the Starfleet Prime Directive.

7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from

one place to another without serious incident.

8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to

interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out

that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly

diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and

competent engineering staff.

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien

intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien

intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some

chocolate.

12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called

"Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. How-

ever, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it

seems.

13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the

Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area

are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp ex-

perience which is in some way unconnected with the Late

20th Century.

15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet

he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the

end of the episode.

16. Counselor Troi states something other than the

blindingly obvious.

17. The warp engines start going haywire, but seem to sort

themselves out after a while without any intervention from

boy genius Wesley Crusher.

18. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position

for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of

one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Tax Forms, Long vs Short

Ah, spring and the month of April. The chirping of birds,

the fresh smell of flowers, the sunny days ... and the time

that taxes are due. Yes, it's that time of year, when you

put sum 5A into slot 6B, subtract the lesser of 12Z or 11Q

from 10C, check the number of boxes entered and enter the

number of checkered boxes, and try to figure out of you

weigh more than last year's tax return. I just did my taxes

and when I was done I was happy to see that I'm getting a

refund ... look at the money the government is giving to me

... until I thought, "Hey, it was MY money to begin with!"

The difference between the short tax form and long tax form

is simple.

If you use the short form, the government gets your money.

If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"New Passport Photo"

Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told her.

"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner

"Why are you driving me crazy when you know it's within walking distance?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanPun - "Fight"

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Woman In A Hurry

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry, and was not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Easter!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Biker, Lion, Little Girl, and New York Times

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A NYT reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, " Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times , and tomorrow's paper will have this on the front page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?"

" I ride Harley Davidson and I'm a Republican. "

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

"BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

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I Hope I'm Sick

A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to
himself every so often, "Boy, I hope I'm sick!"

After about the fifth or sixth time, the receptionist couldn't stand
it any longer, and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be
sick, Mr. Adams?"

The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel this bad."

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True News Stories

Man beats up family after funeral

BOLINGBROOK, Ill. (UPI) -- A 20-year-old Illinois man sent several people to the hospital when he became violent while his family was driving home from a funeral, police said.

The March 29, incident began when the man's aunt scolded him for saying abusive things to his relatives, prompting him to sock her in the face, the Joliet Herald News reported.

Officials said the man's mother pulled the car over on Illinois 53 when her son and his aunt's boyfriend began fighting in the car.

When the fighting eventually ended, two brothers drove away with their mother.

The aunt said her sister fled the scene because "her 20-year-old son had several warrants and was on parole ... and she didn't want him picked up by police."

The aunt, her boyfriend and niece reportedly went to Advocated Hospital in Bolingbrook for treatment of minor wounds.

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Wrappers lead to candy theft suspects

CINCINNATI (UPI) -- Cincinnati police said they tracked down four suspects in a candy store burglary by following a trail of discarded wrappers.

Police said they followed the trail from Peter Minges and Sons Candy Shop, where $400 worth of candy was stolen just before 1 a.m. Thursday, to a nearby area where they arrested four suspects, two men and two women, WLWT-TV, Cincinnati, reported.

Three of the suspects have not yet been named by police, but one of the women, Christine Ruther, was charged with child endangerment after she allegedly brought her 7-month-old daughter along for the heist.

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Spasticville, Kan., seeks name change

SPASTICVILLE, Kan. (UPI) -- The city administrator of Spasticville, Kan., said he has applied to the U.S. Geological Survey to have the city's name changed to Trails End.

The administrator said he collected the proper number of signatures and sent them in with the accompanying forms to apply for the name change, KWCH-TV, Wichita, Kan., reported. He said it could be months before researchers analyze the proposal and send it to the U.S. Board on Geographic Names for a decision.

Residents of the Sedgwick County town said accounts vary on how Spasticville got its name. Some theorize it was named for a home for the mentally handicapped that used to be located in the area.

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Animal docs buy island for dogs' pleasure

VICTORIA, British Columbia (UPI) -- Three Canadian veterinarians have ponied up $2.2 million for an island off British Columbia as a vacation resort for rescued dogs.

All three animal doctors are from the province of Alberta, and have been involved in helping "special needs" dogs, including four pit bull dogs who survived Hurricane Katrina, which devastated the U.S. Gulf Coast in 2005, a Globe and Mail report said.

The three bought Rabbit Island from a California man in January, and have since made it a human and canine retreat.

Dr. Pilar Gosselin and fellow vets Dave Brace and Dave Szentimrey plan to allow only a few dogs to stay to run free on the island, which has a lodge, four cabins, a bathhouse, a desalination plant and equipment to produce solar and wind power, the report said.

"I've committed myself to making the dogs' lives better," Gosselin said. "They can be themselves, not cause trouble, not evoke hostility."

hUMOR For April 23rd

Packing Instructions

I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military.

As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son.

He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"

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"Starting To Date"

Alan asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Steve. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"

Steve says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any way ............ just remember ............... I don't mind going back to prison."

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Oneliner

"A healthy adult male consumes each year one-and-one-half times his own weight in other people's patience."

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CleanPun - "Atheists"

"An atheist is a person who has no invisible means of support."

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”When Insults Had Cass”

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
- Winston Churchill

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge. "
- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
- James Reston

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

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An Extra Wife

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a
pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one
child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the
older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much
we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about
that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said,
'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

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What's in a Name

A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."

"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

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Climb the Ladder

The other night I dreamed that I had died and gone to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates I was met by Saint Peter who told me if I wanted to enter the gates of Heaven I must climb that ladder one rung at a time. On each rung I must write a sin that I committed during my life while on earth.

He then gave me a piece of chalk. I started, writing, climbing, writing, climbing .... hanging on with one hand and writing with the other - a difficult task for someone who does not like heights.

All of a sudden, something was crushing the fingers of my holding hand. I looked up, and there, much to my amazement was my boss coming down the ladder for more chalk.

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Who's Counting?

How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?

12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

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Four Men in a Car

Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.

The car stalled out.

The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."

The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."

The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."

They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked.

The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."

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CleanQuote

"Taking the bull by the horns is often a sound course of action..as long as you and the bull agree on when to let go."

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"Bus Stop"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Once there was couple traveling on a bus in a mountainous area. Close to their destination they decided to get off a bit early and enjoy a short walk the rest of the way.

After the couple got off the bus, it proceeded on its route but 100 feet later a huge boulder fell on the bus, crushing it and killing everybody on board.

Upon see this happen the couple said " We wish we were on that bus"

Why do u think they said that?

Think about it and then scroll down for the answer.

--------- Answer !!!! ---------

If the couple had remained on the bus instead of deciding to get off, the resulting time delay would have been avoided and the rock would have fallen after the bus had passed.

Remember and consider others in life.