hUMOR For April 12th

Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned that she

and her husband were struggling with a big decision on

whether they should become missionaries, my friend offered

to include them on the prayer list.

So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the whole

congregation, "Let's all pray that Bonnie and Lee can make a

decision about the missionary position."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Subtle Smuggler

A man comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answers the man.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the man overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases the man, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says the man.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the man, and the man crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for years.

One day, years later, after the guard has retired, he happens to run into the "sand" man in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you have been smuggling something all these years. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about… I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

The man sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Blind Date Slap"

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Oneliner

"A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanPun - "Raise"

Our boss told us that she is planning a salary raise. One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?"

The boss answered, "As soon as you do."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

”Casino Heart Attacks”

Because so many people have heart attacks, the big, high-class casinos are now equipped with sophisticated defibrillators. They are computer controlled to deliver the precise level of electric shock needed to revive a heart attack victim. That's if you're at a high class casino.

At the cheaper casinos downtown, they just drag you across the carpet and touch your finger to the doorknob.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Switching Trains

I was in New York's Grand Central Terminal on my way to visit friends
in Connecticut. I had never taken the trip before and was wondering
if I needed to switch trains in Stamford.

Walking to the train, I saw the conductor and asked, "Do I need to change?"

"No," he replied immediately. "You're fine the way you are. Your bag
matches your shoes and your earrings are the same color as your
outfit. Very coordinated."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

New Restaurant

I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law's house one year

at the holidays. I told them that I was thinking of opening

a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they

thought I was serious).

She and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said

I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison

dishes. I was going to call it "The Buck Stops Here," and my

slogan was going to be "Bambi: You've seen the movie. Now,

eat the star!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late

for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the

refrigerator." --Bill Lawrence

***

"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same

thing to me: "Basement?" --Rodney Dangerfield

***

"It's good to be back in New York but the crime situation

has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane I saw the

pilot putting the 'club' on the steering wheel."

--John Mendoza

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends

were married, Bill made sure some type of practical joke

was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he

was dreading the payback he knew was coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No

one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this

couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't dis-

rupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple

was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room,

Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had

always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that

he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.

Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down

to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for

two."

At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make

that five."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A young woman was worried about her stress-related habit

of biting her fingernails down to the quick, so her friend

advised her to take up yoga. She did, and soon her finger-

nails were growing normally.

Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervous-

ness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails

so I bite them instead."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cletus the Builder

Cletus and Maynard were building a house together. Cletus was cutting the wood and Maynard was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; Maynardwould reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.

Cletus, confused, watched him do this and after he could take it no longer yelled up, “Why the heck are you throwing some of the nails away?!”

“Whoa! Don’t yell!” Maynard explained, “If it’s pointed toward me when I pull it out of my pouch, I throw it away. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I can use it safely! Duh!”

Cletus became irate at this point and started to call Maynard all kinds of names, referencing how stupid he was and explained the importance of keeping all the nails, “Don’t throw away the nails that are pointed toward you! They’re for the other side of the house! Duh!”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Random Rants

Tatoos. Having a tattoo with Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to pass your English exam. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

Wal-Mart. I’m not the cashier! By the time I get done sliding my friggen' card, entering my PIN number, pressing “Enter,” verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want cash back, and pressing “Enter” again… the kid who’s “supposed” to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Snickers bar. Paper? Plastic? I don’t have time for that. I’ve just been called to do a cleanup on aisle four!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Bun in the Oven

A four year old little boy was at the doctor’s office with his mother in the waiting room when he spotted a pregnant lady on the other side of the room. Having nothing better to do, he walk over to her and inquisitively asks “Why is your stomach so big?”

She replied, “Im having a baby.” With big eyes, he replied, “Is the baby in your stomach?” She said, “He sure is.”

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look on his face, asked yet another question, “Is it a good baby?” She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.” At this point the woman is thinking the little boy is incredibly cute and looks foward to what he has to say next…

And, much to her suprise, with an even more surprised and shocked look than before, he asks.. “Then why did you eat him?”

hUMOR For April 11th

Hot Smell

It was a really hot day at the office. The air conditioning was out and there were about 20 people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.

All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelt. One man said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working."

Vern replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Paul Top Ten"

TOP TEN THINGS THE APOSTLE PAUL WOULD HAVE DONE IF HE HAD A PC

10. Download MP3's of the Righteous Brothers for entertainment while on those long, tedious missionary journeys

9. Visit WebMD.com about that persistent pain in flesh

8. Spiritual armor would include virus protection software

7. "To live is Christ, to die is to have a 28K modem"

6. Book boat tickets using Priceline.com

5. E-mail pictures of Peter eating pork to the gang back in Jerusalem

4. Church officers: Pastor, Elder, Deacon, System Administrator

3. Use decryption software to interpret tongues

2. Describe conversion experience as the "Divine Reboot"

1. Add Spam to list of cardinal sins

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanQuote

"We can put television in its proper light by supposing that Gutenberg's great invention had been directed at printing only comic books."
- Robert M. Hutchins

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Illustration - "Decision"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions.

"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"

The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."

"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Six Again

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and
off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every
ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of
Fear everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of
the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big
Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it
was off to a movie - the latest sci-fi epic, and hot dogs, popcorn,
Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He
leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being
six again?"

One eye opened and she said, "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually
listening, he will still get it wrong.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Service Bill

Harry, a TV repairman, was called to fix a television set

that had neither sound nor picture. Left alone in the room,

Harry spotted the cause immediately: the set was unplugged.

Harry faced a dilemma -- one part of him said he shouldn't

charge the woman while the other insisted he be paid for his

time.

Finally, he presented her with a minimum-charge service

bill, which read, "Restored isolated connecting cable to

primary power source. $25."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Good reason

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…..Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, I don’t need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, “Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Monster Valentine

Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine's?

Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you.

Boy Monster: Is it still beating?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Give the Lawyer a Hand

A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to here the young lawyer out.

“While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses.”

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Divorced Barbie

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.

In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00.”

The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?”

“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"There were rumors that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got

married yesterday. Thank God they weren't true. It means

I've still got a chance." -Craig Ferguson

***

"In a stunning announcement, Pennsylvania Senator Bob Casey

Jr., who had said he would remain neutral, has endorsed

Barack Obama. He said he did it because his four young

daughters told him they wanted Obama for president. Which

also explains his choice for vice president: Hannah Montana."

-Jay Leno

***

"This week, Barack Obama tried bowling. His score was a

terrible 37. Afterwards, Obama told the press, 'That's it —

no more white guy sports for me.'" --Conan O'Brien

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

At work, my dad noticed that the name of an employee was the

same as an old friend. He found the man's e-mail address in

the company directory and sent him a message.

When Dad received a reply, he was insulted and fired back

another e-mail:

"I have put on some weight, but I didn't realize it was that

noticeable!"

His friend's hastily typed message, with an apparent typo,

had read:

"Hi, Ron. I didn't know you worked here, but I did see a gut

that looked like you in the cafeteria."

hUMOR For April 10th

Why Women Are Crabby
“Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar...”

We started to 'bud' in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, and had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John.

Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby. Our once-flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and we peed our pants every time we sneezed.

When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.

Then it was huff-and-puff-and-beg-to-die while the OB says, “Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push” (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it was time to raise those angel - only to find that when all that 'cute' wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

Then come their 'Teen Years.' Need I say more?

When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.

So we progress into the grand finale: 'The Menopause,' the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned 'buds' or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

And you still wonder WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men? Men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake - being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks.

So, while I love being a woman, 'Womanhood' would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby.

You think women are the 'weaker sex?' Yeah right.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Redneck Men’s Pickup Lines

1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

7) Man - “Fat Penguin!”
Woman - “WHAT?”
Man - “I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.”

8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) I can't find my puppy - can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

10) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

11) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

12) Yer face reminds me of a wrench - every time I think of you my nuts tighten up.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Separation

A man is waiting in line for a hit movie. Behind him are two

women. The usher comes along and says that he has two seats

together. Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man,

"Let them go first. You wouldn't want to separate a woman

from her mother, would you?"

The man says, "No, sir. I did that once, and I've been sorry

ever since."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Teacher's Pet

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

"What is it?" she said.

"A puppy!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cletus

Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has a thermos.

He asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, 'It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold'

Cletus was amazed and when he got home immediately went out and bought one. The next day he goes to work and is proud that he has this wonderful object.

The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, 'What do you have in it?'

He says, 'Soup, and ice cream!'

Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | Send Story to a Friend | Top

Flies

There are two flies sitting on a pile of poo. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do ya mind? I'm eating here!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Egg-Laying

Why does a chicken lay eggs?

Because if she dropped them, they'd break

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Some public schools now will be serving sushi. Well, if

you love cafeteria meatloaf, you're going to really love

cafeteria sushi!" -Dave Letterman

***

"Scientists in China say they have found a dolphin they

previously thought was extinct. Scientists say the dolphin

is rare, beautiful, and delicious with hot mustard sauce."

--Conan O'Brien

***

"Here is a very odd story. A woman in Tennessee is now suing

a local pharmacy after buying what she thought were birth

control patches. They turned out to be nicotine patches. The

good news, her new baby is now down to a half a pack a day."

--Jay Leno

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Parents can be very upset when their children don't get into

the college of their choice. As an admissions counselor for

a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who

was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down.

Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D's, I

explained that her daughter just wasn't as "competitive" as

the admitted class. "Why doesn't she try anther school for

a year and then transfer?" I suggested.

"Another school!" exclaimed the Mother. "Have you seen her

grades?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet; my

sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should

pass through his system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure?" she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the

refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

hUMOR For April 9th

Turn Off the Lights

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would suddenly turn off. Each time the lights went out, the place would erupt into a loud cheer. However, when the patrons saw the nun walk in, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender and asked, "Can you point me to the nearest the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "Okay, but I should warn you, there's a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The Tea Party

When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Men Are Good For Only One Thing

Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my

mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that

men are not all like this all the time.

"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"

"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to

parallel park?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Woman bites pit bull to protect Labrador

MINNEAPOLIS (UPI) -- A Minneapolis woman said she bit a pit bull on the nose to get the dog to release the grip it had on the throat of her Labrador retriever.

Amy Rice said she tried to pry the jaws of the female pit bull apart to free her dog, Ella, but she was forced to resort to more drastic measures when the large dog refused to relent, the Star-Tribune newspaper in Minneapolis reported.

"I ended up biting the pit bull on the nose," she said. "I didn't plan it, that's what happened. I broke the skin and had pit bull blood in my mouth. I knew what happened and I knew that it wasn't good."

Rice said Ella has been afraid to go for walks since the confrontation. She said the Labrador was given several staples and stitches to her head and suffers from a crushed ear canal as a result of the attack, the newspaper said.

The pit bull has been quarantined by Minneapolis Animal Control to determine whether the animal has rabies.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Wild boar attacks German man

BERLIN (UPI) -- An elderly Berlin man said he was attacked by a wild boar that was apparently attempting to protect its piglets from his dog.

Nikolaus Basedow, 69, said he was taking his Doberman-German Shepherd mix, Tobi, for a walk Tuesday when he came across two wild boars, one of which was accompanied by young piglets, Der Spiegel reported.

"Tobi was surprised and barked," Basedow said. "Then it all happened very quickly."

He told Der Spiegel the dog's barking spooked the sows and the one walking with her offspring rushed to protect them by charging in the direction of the aggressive sound.

"The huge sow -- she was a real monster -- slammed into me, right in the middle of the pavement, and tore my calf open from bottom to top with its teeth," Basedow said.

He said the boar left an 8-inch gash in his leg, Der Spiegel reported. A neighbor administered first aid and Basedow was taken to a hospital for treatment.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Missing turtle found at construction site

FORT WORTH, Texas (UPI) -- A turtle that was missing for at least six months from a Fort Worth, Texas, museum appeared this week on a construction site, a curator at the museum said.

The 15-pound, 5-year-old snapping turtle, Bob, was found in good health, despite his more slender physique, the Fort Worth (Texas) Star-Telegram reported.

Bob was noticed to be missing Sept. 15, when the Fort Worth Museum of Science and History evacuated a building for renovations, said Leishawn Spotted Bear, assistant museum curator of science.

Bob's old home, a pond outside the museum, has been torn down and the location for the new building has been completely unearthed two times, said Steve Anderson, director of public affairs for the museum.

"He has somehow managed to survive under the earth. We don't know why he emerged today, perhaps because of the recent rain," Anderson told the newspaper.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Miscommunication

"Information. Can I help you?"

"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."

"One moment, please." Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild."

"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"Not Theodore! Theater! The word is theater. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"

"That, sir, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Analytical Gunfighters"

Two analytical chemists in the Wild West are on the town's main street, ready to draw their weapons.

One says: "Don't MOVE, or I'll fill you full of 98% Lead, 1% Antimony, 0.98% Cobalt, and 0.02% elements below their detection levels!"

The other one says: "HOLD on there, cowboy. Are those values CERTIFIED??"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Today's CleanQuote

"When you were a little kid remember how hard it was to get a cookie? Way in the back, unless your mom was really mean- then they'd be on top of the refrigerator. Nowhere on a package of Oreos does it say, 'Keep out of reach of small children.' Where's the Liquid Drano? Under the sink, right next to the rest of the poisons."
- Mike Bullard

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Illustration - "Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Dated"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Dated

~ Never date anyone who is rude to the waiter/waitress.

~ Never date anyone who is rude to their mother.

~ If they have a tendency to be rude to you now, just wait.

~ If you date someone who doesn't share your standards, they'll lower yours.

~ The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."

~ Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

~ If he/she says you're too good for him/her, believe it.

~ If they have a tough time apologizing now, just wait.

~ Never date anyone who spends more time gazing into the mirror, than they spend gazing into your eyes.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Blonde Jan T.’s Phone

Because blonde Jan had a habit of losing her cordless phone, Bob bought
her a phone with a clip on it so she could attach it directly to her
belt. A few days later, Bob walked in and found blonde Jan
standing in the middle of the living room, halfway dressed. That
didn't strike Bob as odd so much as the fact that she was holding her
pants to the side of her head and speaking into them.

"Don't look at me that way," blonde Jan yelled. "The phone started ringing
and I couldn't figure out how to undo this stupid clip!"

hUMOR For April 8th

”Quality of Life”

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

How it all began

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Navigation Joke

"Pardon me, lady", said the man trying to get back to his seat in the darkened movie theater, "but did I step on your toes a few minutes ago?"

"You certainly did!!", said the woman in the aisle seat.

"Good, then I'm in the right row!" the man said as he went back to his seat.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Niece and Nephew

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!”

She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”

“Denephew.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Moving

I saw a garbage truck driving yesterday. You never told me you were moving.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Overdue Rent"
Walpole had lived in his loft for six months, and by now it was filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day and night, stopping only occasionally for something to eat.

He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what he thought about least of all was his rent.

As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding the three months' rent Walpole owed on the loft.

"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I'm on the verge of making some sales."

"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story last month. You won't get another day's credit from me."

"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Some day this loft will be famous, and you'll be able to charge a fortune for it. In a few years, people will come into this disgusting loft and whisper, 'Walpole used to paint here.'"

"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able to say it tomorrow morning."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanQuote

"We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive."
- C.S. Lewis

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Illustration - "Childhood"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end.

One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's
measurements: 36-22-36.

"Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?"

The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?"

Rory got to spend the night.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Who's the Strongest

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. “I am the strongest, most powerful man here,” he boasted. He made a special case of making fun of John, one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, John had enough. “Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is?” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on old man,” the braggart replied. “It’s a bet! Let’s see what you got.”

John reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said “All right. Get in.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Deer Crossing

Ok, so I live in this semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no loger wanted them to cross there.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Mind of a six-year-old

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

Vernie raised his hand and said, "I think he said 'Holy moley! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Stupid

One day theres a couple of kids in a psychology class. The teacher stands up and says to the class “stand up if u think you’re stupid!” after about 5 minutes Little Johnny stood up and the teacher says “do you think you’re stupid Johnny?”

To which Little Johnny replies “No miss i just hate to see you standing there all by yourself!!!”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Kitten Revival"

A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three kittens. He had them lined up and was preaching to them. The mother turned around to do some work.

A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door. She went to the window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens. She opened the window and said, "Johnny, stop that! You'll drown those kittens."

Johnny looked at her and said with much conviction in his voice: "They should had thought of that before they joined my church."

hUMOR For April 7th

Sensitive Men

Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?

They already have boyfriends.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Politically Speaking

"My uncle ran for Senate last year."

"Really? What does he do now?"

"Nothing. He got elected."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Good Investment

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:

"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Hillary Clinton is coming under fire for claiming she was

under fire while she was in Bosnia. Luckily, she was wearing

her Kevlar pantsuit at the time." -Jay Leno

***

"Ringling Bros. Circus is in Madison Square Garden, but I

don't think I'm going to the circus this year; if I want

to see clowns at Madison Square Garden, I'll go to a Knicks

game." -David Letterman

***

"Some kids found what might be D.B. Cooper's parachute. He's

wanted by the FBI for stealing $200,000. MC Hammer called

the kids; he said he wants his pants back." -Craig Ferguson

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of

Ohio. One day I told a long-suffering friend, "You know,

the first man in powered flight was from Ohio. The first

man to orbit the earth was from Ohio. And the first man on

the moon was from Ohio."

"Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio,"

he observed.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I'm dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder

with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal

experience with the group. I told them stress aggravates

my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I'm

tense.

When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered

to me, "Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The Perfect Man
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman...

A man walks into the street and manages to hail a taxi going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star - and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his widow.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Air-To-Ground Speeding Ticket
Latest California radar detection system...

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar, California. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset, and then it turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. The reply came back in true USMC style:


Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.
Semper Fi.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Something Sounds Fishy
“Not tonight Dear – I’ve got a haddock...”

It was February the 29th, being a leap year. I was driving in downtown Atlantis. My barracuda was in the shop so I was in a rented stingray and it was overheating, so I pulled into a shell station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said, “Fix the darn thing and leave my private life out of it, pal.”

While they were doing that, I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar, a real dive, but I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins. I said, “Hi, Gill!” (you have to yell, he's hard of herring.) Gill was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water.

I bellied up to the sand bar. He poured me the usual, rusty snails, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred, with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the Mako. I slipped him a fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good. I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids, just for the halibut.

Well, the place was crowded. We were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal. What sole! Tommy was rocking the place with a very popular tuna, 'Salmon Chanted Evening', and the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass player.

One of them was this cute little yellow tail, and she was giving me the eye, so I figured this was my chance for a little fun, you know, a piece of pisces. But she said things I just couldn't fathom, she was too deep. Seemed to be under a lot of pressure.

Boy could she drink, she drank like a... She drank a lot! I said, “What's your sign?” She said, “Aquarium.” I said, “Great, let’s get tanked!” I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said, “Come on baby, it'll only take a few minnows.” She threw me that same old line, “Not tonight, I got a haddock.” And she wasn't kidding either cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock I've ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with muscle.

He came over to me and said, “Listen, shrimp, don't you come crawling around here.” What a crab! This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and said, “Aaa bologna. You're just being shellfish.” Well, I knew there was going to be trouble and so did Gill because he was already on the phone to the cods.

The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel, kelpless. I said, “Forget the cods, Gill, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon.”

Well, the yellow tail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me and she said, “Hey big boy, you're really a game fish, what's your name?” I said, “Marlin.” Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner. I took her to dance. I bought her a bouquet of flounders, and then I went home with her. Why knot? She was a-lure-ing. But what did I get for my troubles? A case of the clams.