hUMOR For March 27th

The big San Francisco earthquake occurred on April 18, 1906.

The accompanying fire caused more than 500 deaths. It was

the worst earthquake disaster in U. S. history as well as

the deadliest urban fire. A few years ago, when the big quake

hit the Los Angeles area, part of the damage included the

totaling of a car belonging to a tourist who had driven in

from out of state.

When he put in the claim to his insurance company, they re-

jected it. When asked why the claim was not covered, the

Insurance company said it was because the tourist had a no-

fault policy. Angry about the insurance company's decision,

the policyholder tried to start a citizen's organization to

fight this kind of rip-off from happening again. He called

it the San Andreas Fund.

However nothing came of it. Hardly anyone would contribute

to aid the fund in its efforts. The general feeling was that

charity is one thing, but this was being generous to a fault.

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A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"

The reply was, "Washington DC."

On being asked what the 'DC' stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!

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Lost Cell Phone

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through
his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed the "call" button. His
mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

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First Liberty

My fiance had been sent to basic training in the Coast Guard

at Cape May, N.J., soon after our engagement, so I visited

him when he was given his first liberty. That evening we had

a wonderful, quiet dinner, and then we took a romantic,

moonlit walk toward the ocean. But at the sidewalk's end, he

stopped.

"Let's go down to the water," I suggested.

"What?" he replied. "And have the sand ruin the shine on my

shoes?"

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Most Wanted

A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"

"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.

The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'

"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.

"Rustling."

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Signs of the Times

- At restaurant-gas stations throughout the nation: "Eat here and get gas."

- At a Sante Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

- In a New Hampshire jewelry store: "Ears pierced while you wait."

- In an New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

- In a Michigan restaurant: "The early bird gets the worm! Special shoppers' luncheon before 11:00 AM."

- On a delicatessen wall: "Our best is none too good."

- On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law -- Sisters of Mercy"

- On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaning store: "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."

- In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

- On a movie theater: "Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless with child."

- In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed!"

- In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."

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Excuses, excuses

The following were all found in notes written by parents to excuse their children's absences from school.

- My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

- Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

- Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

- Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

- Pleazse excuse Roland from P.E. for a few day. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

- John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

- Mary could not come to school because she has been bothered by very close veins.

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Letter of the Law

On October 13, 1944, the Durham N. C. Sun Reported that a Durhamite had been brought before a Judge Wison in traffic court for having parked his car on a restricted street right in front of a sign that read "No Stoping."

Rather than pleading guilty, the defendant argued that the missing letter in the sign meant that he had not violated the letter of the law. Brandishing a Webster's dictionary, he noted that stoping means:

"Extracting ore from a stope or, loosely, underground."

"Your Honor", said the man, "I am a law-abiding citizen and I didn't extract any ore from the area of the sign. I move that the case be dismissed."

Acknowledging that the defendant hadn't done any illegal mining, the judge declared the man not guilty and commented, "Since this is Friday, the 13th, anything can happen, so I'll turn you loose."

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Why does everybody dye food green on St. Patrick's Day?

Green doughnuts, green cookies, green bagels. We won't eat

any real food that's green — spinach, broccoli, lettuce —

but dye a Cinnabon green..." -Jay Leno

***

"Your talk talks and your walk talks, but your walk talks

louder than your talk talks." -John Maxwell

***

"I have just two superstitions. One, don't call someone a

bad name if they have a loaded pistol. Two, don't call your

girl friend Tina if her name is Vivian."

--Basketball player George Underwood

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I went into the restaurant next to the office and ordered

a tuna on wheat. The waitress said, "Oh, I'm sorry, we're

out of wheat bread. You’ll have to have it on white."

The next day I went to the same place and ordered the same

tuna on wheat. Again she told me they were out of wheat,

I’d have to get it on white.

The third time I went there I decided to skip the step of

being refused the wheat and just ordered tuna on white. The

waitress looked up from her notepad and said, "Aren't you

the guy who usually orders it on wheat?"

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"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are

going to water the horse when you are giving him a drink of

water?"

"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."

"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."

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Two bowling teams, one the Blonde Bombers, and one the Dapper Deans, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Detroit Lakes, MN. The Deans rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde Bombers team rode on the top level.

The Deans down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized he hadn't heard anything from the Blonde Bombers upstairs. He decided to go up and investigate.

When the Dean reached the top, he found all the Blonde Bombers frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. Dean asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blonde Bombers looked up at him, swallowed hard and whimpered ... 'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!'

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hUMOR For March 26th

Six Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
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2. Most people, after reading the first truth, will try it.
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3. The first truth is a lie.
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4. You're smiling now because you tried it.
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5. You will soon forward this to someone else.
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6. There's still a smile on your face.

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Harvest

Every year, spring enticed me with visions of succulent

harvests. Yet the Army seemed to have no sympathy for my

gardening attempts. Each year I planted my garden, but by

the time it broke ground, I was uprooted.

Then I received word that I was to be transferred to Fort

Huachuca, Ariz. Away from family, friends, and familiar

surroundings, I felt as desolate as the desert scenery. But

when I entered my quarters, I discovered that the entire

22-foot length of one wall was floor- to-ceiling glass,

perfect for a greenhouse. Taped to one corner was this note

from the former occupant:

"Outside this window are nine scraggly plants. Right now

they look like weeds, but soon they will be full of

tomatoes. Since I can't be here to care for them, I'm hoping

you might do it.

"Enjoy the tomatoes for me!"

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Ice Cream Murder

A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.

He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds and thousands.

A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies:

"It looks like he's topped himself"

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Signs That Things are Weird

- In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

- In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits - $10.00 - They won't last an hour!"

- On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: "Archery tournament. Ears pierced."

- In the bathroom of a large apartment building: "When taking showers, please leave the bathroom door a jar. This will prevent the plaster from peeling."

- Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

- On a North Carolina highway: "EAT -- 300 FEET"

- On an Ohio highway: "Drive slower When Wet."

- On a New Hampshire highway: "You are speeding when flashing."

- On a Pennsylvania highway: "Drive carefully: Auto accidents kill most people from 15 to 19."

- In downtown Boston: "Calahan Tunnel/No. End."

- In the window of an Oregon general store: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

- In a Massachusettes parking area reserved for birdwatchers: "Parking for birds only."

- In a New Jersey restaurant: "Open 11:00 AM to 11:00 PM Midnight."

- In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: "Now serving live lobsters."

- In front of a New Hampshire store: "Endurable floors."

- On a radiator repair garage: "Best place too take a leak."

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Excuse Me!

The following were all found in notes written by parents to excuse their children's absences from school.

- Please excuse my son's tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I did not find him till I started making the beds.

- Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.

- My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marine's.

- Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

- Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

- Please excuse Burma, she had been sick and under the doctor.

- Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the berst either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going around school, her father even got hot last night.

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Give it Up

Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"

"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.

The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."

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"They were celebrating St. Patrick's Day in Washington.

President Bush was a little confused. He came out onto

the White House lawn and pardoned the corn beef."

-Dave Letterman

***

"I read in the paper that by the year 2015, obesity will

be the leading cause of death. Especially for the person

on the bottom." -Jay Leno

***

"Disney announced that they're banning smoking from all their

movies. Which means they won't be buying the scripts I wrote.

I wrote a script for Disney called 'Smoke-ahontas'. And

another one, the follow-up, 'Cigarella.'" -Craig Ferguson

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A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in

particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots

something of interest. A book with a very interesting

title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want."

So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.

"Chapter 1 The First Date."

He glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes

out of the bookstore to call a girl he's wanted to ask out

for quite a while.

When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She

answers, "Hello?"

He says, "Hi, Jessica? Listen, I was wondering if you would

want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He

gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she

didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.

He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"

She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"

"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9:00, do you think you'll be

finished eating by then?"

hUMOR For March 25th

A lady called the police to report that her husband was missing.

The police arrived and asked for a description of her husband. She told them that he was 6 foot 2 inches tall with blonde wavy hair and a smile that made everyone love him.

The police proceeded to go next door to ask the neighbor if she had any information about the man. The lady next door, astonished at the description given to the police by her neighbor, told the police, "That's not true . He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, is bald and has a perpetual frown on his face."

After the police left, the neighbor went to ask why the woman had given the police a false description of her husband.

She replied, "Just because I reported him missing doesn't mean I want him back!"

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Ageing Jokes

These are a few of my favorite things . . .

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets,
and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

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Dividing

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.

He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

Submitted by:Brknshll

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George Burns Quotes

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

At my age flowers scare me.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

For thirty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman - it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

How can I die? I'm booked.

I can't afford to die - I'd lose too much money.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age."

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.

When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

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Q: How did beans affect Little Vernie's intestines?
A: They rectum.

hUMOR For March 24th

College Degree Usefulness

Sometimes it seems that what we study in college doesn't have much relation to what we end up doing for a living. Following is a list of various degrees, as well as what graduates actually end up doing after earning them.

Computer Science

College

Spend most of your time in a dimly lit lab, playing obscure computer role-playing games and drinking Jolt. Interact only with other CS majors, and only via the Internet if you can manage it. Become passionately involved only in the continuing Unix/Linux/Windows/Macintosh debate.

Real Life

Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet coffee... ...at least five cups an hour. Interact only with your own project team, and then only via e-mail. Become passionately involved in the continuing debate over who pays when the schedule slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning.

Psychology

College

Spend most of your time in a dimly-lit lab, playing with rats and other vermin. Drink Jolt by the six-pack to stay up all night with the rodents. Interact only with other Psychos, but only to analyze their behavior in non-lab situations. Become involved in the continuing debate over whether a trained rat could succeed as a comp sci major.

Real Life

Spend most of your time in an unemployment line and living in a cardboard box with other vermin, wishing you'd changed to CS instead of the rat. Continue to consider yourself superior to social work majors.

Economics

College

Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit room full of charts and graphs. Learn about supply and demand, GNP, supply and demand, prime rates, supply and demand, inflation, and supply and demand.

Real Life

Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit government office with people who look just like you. Issue reports you wrote in college because you're too lazy to write a new one. Watch newscaster explain your report to unsuspecting viewers. Listen to President explain that the economy sucks because of unemployed psychologists.

Philosophy

College

Read books by dead guys. Debate whether a tree falling alone in a forest will say, "Oh, crud! Not again!" Consider the ethical problems in the killing of annoying street mimes. Get failed by prof for not liking the correct dead guy.

Real Life

Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet coffee... ...at least five cups an hour. Interact only with your own project team, and then only via e-mail. Become passionately involved in the continuing debate over who pays when the schedule slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning. Be thankful you switched to comp sci, which pays better than being a dead philosopher.

Math

College

Spend your time in a cramped office, thinking about polydimensional shapes and arguing their properties with other mathematicians. Scream when they steal your work. Steal their work. Be a social outcast.

Real Life

See above. You work for the university

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

"No," the man replied. "I work for the IRS."

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Just Nuke It

I was an Air Force ICBM launch control officer in South Dakota. Two officers pulled 24-hour alerts in a launch control center that was surrounded by several Minuteman II silos.

The facility and the silos were separated by several miles. We were not allowed to leave the "capsule" until relieved the next day, and we were supported by several on-site personnel in the support building upstairs. The capsules were Spartan, but each boasted a small refrigerator and a small microwave.

On one tour of duty, the cook called down around lunch time and informed us that she was cleaning her oven and that hot food would be unavailable for a short time.

Later, around supper time, she called down again and apologized that she had dismantled her oven to clean it, was having trouble reassembling it, and would again be unable to heat our food orders. We were somewhat annoyed, but, being the kinder, gentler military officers we were, told her "No problem. Just send down the frozen meals and we'll 'nuke' them ourselves."

Several seconds of dead silence on the phone followed before she whispered, "You can DO that?"

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Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

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A lady called the police to report that her husband was missing.

The police arrived and asked for a description of her husband. She told them that he was 6 foot 2 inches tall with blonde wavy hair and a smile that made everyone love him.

The police proceeded to go next door to ask the neighbor if she had any information about the man. The lady next door, astonished at the description given to the police by her neighbor, told the police, "That's not true . He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, is bald and has a perpetual frown on his face."

After the police left, the neighbor went to ask why the woman had given the police a false description of her husband.

She replied, "Just because I reported him missing doesn't mean I want him back!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hosptial in many years and felt ignorant about the new technologies. A technician followed her onto the elevator wheeling a large machine with tubes and wires and dials and lights that she thought might be a ventilator.

"Boy, I would sure hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.

"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor cleaning machine."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach-goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property. As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and re-locked the car.

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When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, I am brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

When I make a mistake, I am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When I am out of the office, I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.

hUMOR For March 23rd

The Saddest Story

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75 story sky scraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I just realized that I left the room key in the car!"

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Rich Man in Heaven

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"

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Puzzled

On a shopping trip to the city a backwoods farmer bought a 24-piece jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle was finished.

"Look what I've don, Jess," he said proudly to a visiting neighbor.

"That's surely somethin', Willard. How long did it take you?"

"Only two weeks."

"Never done a puzzle myself," Jess said. "Is two weeks fast?"

"Darn tootin'," Willard said. "Look at the box. It says, 'From two to four years."

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Dumb Truckers

While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Arkansas truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".

"What do you think?" one asked the other.

The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first.

"Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"

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Family Picnic

The service area was located on a main highway leading to

the beach. The pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired

and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to tank

up. When a rusty old van containing a very tired looking

couple and six screaming children pulled into his station,

the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants.

"Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids

there. Are they all yours, or is this a picnic?"

Wearily, the driver replied, "Yes, they are all mine, and

it's NO picnic!"

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"As if we don't have enough problems. Fifteen different pre-

scription drugs in our drinking water. Fifteen! Honest to

God, you need a doctor's prescription to turn on the faucet."

-David Letterman

***

"Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a

work place anymore. They think of it as a stationery store

with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes,

your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee--and

then you go home." --Jerry Seinfeld

***

"At a recent speech to hundreds of university professors,

Bill Gates said it's puzzling why more kids don't want to

become computer programmers. Gee, I don't know, you think

maybe it's because at some point they'd actually like to

have a girlfriend." --Jay Leno

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I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting

and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild

game.

I guess they eat so much, in fact, that one evening as I

set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table,

my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said,

"Boy, it sure would be nice in pizzas lived in the woods."

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As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a

blonde asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff all over those

hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in

front of me said it was Greece."

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Old Photos

Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a

drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly

surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me,

taken on one of my first dates with my husband.

When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at

that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was historically inevitable.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: . . .and God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?

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A teacher was giving her class a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said: "Now, children, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes, Miss," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

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Kid Quotes

• MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
• STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
• BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
• SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
• DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
• JACK (age 3) was watching his mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, is one for hot milk and one for cold milk?"
• MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple who were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
• CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
• JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
• TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

hUMOR For March 22nd

Put or Putt

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," replied the instructor. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it, of course. 'Putt'

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HMO's in the Afterlife

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.

The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.

The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."

St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you need to go to the other place."

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Who's Counting?

How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?

12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

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Human Cannonball

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.

"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"

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"A man's life always starts today. Every morning is a

beginning, a fresh start, and a man needn't be hog-tied

to the past. Whatever went before, a man's life can begin

now, today." --Louis L'Amour

***

"Men are born ignorant, not stupid; they are made stupid

by education." -Bertrand Russell

***

"There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog,

and ready money." -Benjamin Franklin

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A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits.

The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health

and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the

employee's pay.

She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as

well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's

sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."

"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job

with such benefits," the interviewer replied.

The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went

bankrupt."

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When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see

the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm

for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter

of recommendation."

The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the

letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found

the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for

our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very

satisfied."

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"On the eve of Tuesday's primary victories, a defiant Hillary Clinton said, 'I'm just getting warmed up.' Which begs the question, 'Hey, Hillary, how are you gonna be ready on day one if it takes you 31 primaries to get warmed up.'" --Seth Meyers

"A voluntary adviser to Barack Obama resigned Friday after calling rival Hillary Clinton a 'monster.' Responded, Hillary: 'Arghhh.'" --Amy Poehler

"Apparently negative is the new positive. Now the media is trying to goad Barack Obama into taking the gloves off. And I'm not so sure this strategy is any good, you know, having a young black man attack a 60-year-old white lady? She loves to play the victim. She's already got a new slogan, 'Hillary Clinton: Please, just take my purse and leave me alone.'" --Bill Maher

"Also eliminated last night, Congressman Ron Paul, of Texas, says he's winding down his presidential campaign. His supporter is devastated. Ron says he's looking forward, though, to spending more time with his wife Mrs. Paul, and her delicious pre-packaged seafood products." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Among the people rumored to be a possibility for John McCain's vice-presidential running mate is 51-year-old Florida Governor Charlie Crist and surprisingly not his brother, Jesus Crist" --Seth Meyers

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Which one

I rear ended a car this morning...the driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started.

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Missing Wallet

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"

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What's Two and Two

A bank manager was interviewing four very different applicants from his short list for the position of clerical. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, 'What is two and two?'

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was 'Twenty-two.'

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a slide rule and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v Cromwell two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. When the bank manager asked him, 'How much is two and two?', the accountant got up from his chair, went over and closed the door. He came back, sat down, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, 'How much do you want it to be?'

He got the job.

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Robbery Suspect
Why you shouldn't go banking with your spouse...

A man walks in a bank, gets in line and when it's his turn he pulls out a gun, and robs the bank.

Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The customer replies, “Yes!”
The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer's head and BANG - shoots him in the head and kills him.

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, “Did You see me rob this bank?”
The man calmly responds ... “No, but my wife did!”

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Unwritten Rules of the Navy

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way.

With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way.

The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read,"My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the most important unwritten rules of seamanship:

"Make sure the captain is on board before getting under way."

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Irish Technology

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came
to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English
scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines
in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found
traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a
hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter,
reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat
bog near Tralee, self-taught archaeologist Paddy O'Droll reported
that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that
300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."