hUMOR For March 19th

A Father's Wisdom

I don't ever add comments to the jokes I send out, so don't get upset while I interrupt today's joke. (If you don't like this part you can skip it.) This will probably not be a regular occurance, but today's joke reminded me of my ever decreasing parenting skills. It seems that the longer you do this parenting thing, the more you seem to realize that you're making mistakes. Hopefully, our kids will turn out alright.

Our third child was born two weeks ago and I am still amazed at the miracle of life. How is it that a child can be born and start to breathe? How do tiny babies survive manhandling by us clumsy dads? You have no idea why until it happens to you, but I emphatically agree that the absolute best days of my life were the births of my three children. Stop a minute today and thank God for the miracle of life and that first breath that leads to a lifetime of joy and happiness, which we can share through humor.

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Blood Test

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.

2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for a blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying profusely.

The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I came for a urine test !

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Playing With Our Words

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"

"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

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Timing Is Everything

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"

The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

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Quacking Up

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49."

The duck replies, "Put it on my bill!"

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"Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain have all

said that they are the person who should answer the phone

at the White House if it rings at 3 a.m. Meanwhile, most

Americans think that the White House should just get a

receptionist." -Conan O'Brien

***

And remember... Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting

something right, there's a 90 per cent probability you'll

get it wrong.

***

"New York City is going green. All the cabs are converting

to hybrids. I was in a low-emission cab this morning. I wish

I could say the same for my driver." -Dave Letterman

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Determined to have one last, lazy day of fishing before

summer's end, I purposely ignored the leaky faucet and

the broken gate -- household projects that had awaited me

all summer.

When my wife asked, "What are you going to do today?" I

grinned and answered, "It starts with F and ends with ISH."

"Oh, good," she replied. "You're finally going to FinISH up

those projects."

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At the urging of his doctor, John moved to Arizona.

After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older

man.

"Say, my doctor recommended I move here for my health. Is

this really a good place to live?"

"It sure is," the man replied. "When I first arrived here

I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head.

I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had

to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said John. "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."

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Income Opportunity

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. As they came to a muddy part of the road, their car got stuck.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50.

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Say What?

Bob was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table,
reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a
beautiful actress about to marry a football player who was known
primarily for his lack of common knowledge and his fairly low IQ.

He turned to his wife Marlene with a look of question on his face.
"I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Marlene replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

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Wake Up

Two mothers are having a conversation about their children

one day.

"How do you get your Marvin up so early on school mornings?"

asks Joan.

"Oh, that's easy," replies Marianne. "I just throw the cat

on his bed."

"Why does that wake him up?"

"He sleeps with the dog!"

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Cross Examination

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

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Murphy's Laws of Work

- No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

- When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

- The longer the title, the less important the job.

- Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

- An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

- Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

- All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

- Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

hUMOR For March 18th

Irish Birth Control

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, “Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?”

She replied, “Aye, that ye did, Father.”

The Father asked, “And be there any wee little ones yet?”

She replied, “No, not yet, Father.”

The Father said, “Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.”

She replied, “Oh, thank ye, Father.”
They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, “Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?”

She replied, “Oh, very well, Father!”

The Father asked, “And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?”

She replied, “Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!”

The Father said, “That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?”

She replied, “E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.”

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Asking For New Shoes

Vern was standing before a Ocala, Flori-DUH shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.

A lady approached the young boy and said, “My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!”

“I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,” was Vern reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.

She took my brother Vern to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his feet, and dried them with the towel.

By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the Vern’s feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, “No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.”

As she turned to go, the astonished Vern caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her, “Are you God's wife?”

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PET RULES
(To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door @ nose height.)



Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing, but sarcasm!

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years…canine and feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt or lick your own. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets,
I posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain about Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't!
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
stay off the furniture (that's why they call it "fur"niture).
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember dogs & cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college; and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

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DAN’S Tea Set

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of Judy and Dan who was two years older than Dan. Dan was maybe one and a half years old and had just recovered from falling out of bed, an accident in which his arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given Judy a little 'tea set' as a gift. It was one of Dan’s favorite toys because he enjoyed pretending he was Judy’s little sister. Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when Dan brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch Dan bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

Mom waited, and sure enough, Dan came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up. Then Mom said, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby Dan can reach to get water is the toilet?

Dan’s tea has improved little since that day!

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Comatose

Doctor to patient's husband: "I'm sorry. We did all that was humanly
possible but we just can't wake her from her coma. It doesn't look
good I'm afraid,"

"But doctor, she's so young. She's only thirty-nine."

Upon which the comatose wife said weakly ... "Thirty-seven."

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Quote of the Day

"The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend"

~Abraham Lincoln

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True Frindship

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, But never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you..

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well Again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsiness....

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, But only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to your closest friends, Then get depressed because you can only think of a few.

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Angry Nuns Take On a Vampire

Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the

bonnet of their car. "Quick, sister," screams one nun, "show

him your cross!"

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Hey!

You! Buzz off!"

hUMOR For March 17th

Strange Facts

"A species of earthworm in Australia grows up to 10 feet in length."

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To Be Six Again

You really have to give this guy an A+ for effort.

George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?"

His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."

George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"

Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"

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Unique Breakfast

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"

"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.

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Missed Connection

My friend's flight from Boston to New York City was delayed, so she
missed her connection home to Seattle. She joined a group of other
passengers in line at the ticket
counter, each hoping to book seats on the next flight to that destination.

All the travelers waited patiently except for one man, who treated
the agent very rudely. "I had an aisle seat reserved, and I better
get an aisle seat when we get on
another plane," he demanded. A few minutes later everyone was
relieved when they learned that there would be room for all.

"And, sir," the ticket agent said, turning to the obnoxious man, "I
am happy to tell you that you will have an aisle seat." Still
muttering, he picked up his carry-on and left for the gate. "And I'm
also happy to announce," the agent continued, "that the rest of you
will be seated in first class."

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"There are three things you never want to see on a Christmas

present: 'One Size Fits All,' 'Fun for all ages' and 'removes

unwanted hair.'" --Jim Mullen, Entertainment Weekly

***

They raised the price of tickets to Disney World to $59.75.

They've also put up a new sign that says 'Your wallet must

be this big to get in.'" --Jay Leno

***

Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might

try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I

needed was blinker fluid."

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For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard

operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my

supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval

of the vice president.

A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and

told me the VP had refused to approve the raise.

His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job. Every time he

saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or

talking on the phone.

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During a tour at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum, a New York

City woman mentioned that she was raising a type of cactus in

a pot on her apartment balcony. Another tourist asked her how

she kept from watering it too much, because the cactus would

die if over watered.

"I subscribe to the Tucson newspaper," replied the New Yorker.

"Every time I read that it rained in the desert, I give my

plant some water."

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British Speed Trap

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were

involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding

motorists on the A-1 Great North Road. One of the officers

used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a

vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was

surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their

radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not

able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that

the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter

jet, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the

Border district, approaching from the North Sea.

Back at police headquarters, the chief constable fired off a

stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the

reply in true laconic RAF style:

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the

file on this incident. You may be interested to know that

the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the

presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile

radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back

to it.

"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the

fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your

equipment.

"Fortunately, the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the

situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile

systems alert status, and was able to override the automated

defense system before the missile was launched and your

hostile radar installation was destroyed. Good Day..."

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Soap and Water

We were asked to dinner by a new friend. When we sat down at the table, we noticed that the dishes were dirty.

"Were these dishes washed?", I asked the hostess as I rubbed my fingers over the surface.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".

I felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating anyway. Dinner was delicious, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

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Drop Dead Poker

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. After the game Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. Rippington says, "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

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Americans Are Wacky

- We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

- In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

- We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich.

- We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

- We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.

- We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

- We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

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Murphy on Work

- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

- The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

- People are always available for work in the past tense.

- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

- You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

hUMOR For March16th

Laws of Work

- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

- The more of it you put up with, the more of it you're going to get.

- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.

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The 6 Truths of Life:

1. You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. The first “truth” is a lie.

4.You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to other idiots.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Sorry about all this but . . . I'm an idiot and I’m getting lonely.

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A Biker's Story

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter from the Berkeley Free Press newspaper has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle group are you with and what do you ride?"

"Christian U.S. Marine Corps Harley Riders."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it, indeed, contained the news of his actions, and read on front page headline:

RELIGIOIUS FANATIC BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - STEALS HIS LUNCH.

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"If you enjoy your alcohol, remember this: If you put your

old, rotten liver under your pillow, the Beer Fairy will

leave you a keg." --Paul Tomkins

***

"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you

should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid

with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is

absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person."

-P. J. O'Rourke

***

"More Americans can name the three stooges than the three

branches of government. Well, that's because the three

stooges are more likely to get something done."

-David Letterman

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The following conversation took place one morning between a

wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government

cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it

looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim

down the military forces. They are going to retire six over-

aged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear your

mother will be out of work."

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Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But

the initials really have been changed to stand for "What

would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth

because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the

Garden of Eden in a Fury."

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a

Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies

with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses'

followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the

Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't

like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St.

John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not

speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced

by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph

is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler:

"Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And,

following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda...

"The Apostles were in one Accord."

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Adopted Twins

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

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Van Gogh's Family Tree

- His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
- The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
- The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stop an Gogh
- The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh
- The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh
- His magician uncle - Where-diddy Gogh
- His Mexican cousin - A mee Gogh
- The Mexican cousin's American half-brother - Ring Gogh
- The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wells-far Gogh
- The constipated uncle - Cant Gogh
- The ballroom dancing aunt - Tang Gogh
- The bird lover uncle - Flaming Gogh
- His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh
- The fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh
- An aunt who taught positive thinking - Way-to Gogh
- The little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh
- A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh
- And his niece who traveled the country in a van - Winnie Bay Gogh

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That Darned Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that darned cat on the phone. I'm lost and need directions!"

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A Poem for Women

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and SMACKED him...
Like his Mother used to do.

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A Thoughtful Teacher

After school one day, a young first-grade boy was sitting at

the kitchen table, eating his afternoon snack, when he

blurted out, "Mom, the teacher was asking me today if I have

any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."

The boy's mother replied, "That's nice of her to take such

an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you

are an only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"

hUMOR ForMarch 15th

Don't Touch Me

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

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Movie Computers Ain't My Computer

- Word processors never display a cursor.

- You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

- All monitors display inch-high letters.

- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

- Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

- Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

- Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress")

- All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

- Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

- All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.

- People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

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Work Laws

- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

- To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

- The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

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Gonna Be a Bear

In this life, I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definately deal with that.

If you're mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!

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Optimist and Pessimist

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never
quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided
he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his
continual Pessimistic way of thinking. The Optimist owned a hunting
dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the
dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down
a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved
the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you
think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?"

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Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'

He told me to get off my fanny
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work...
I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops I found<>A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into...
I was into it all night.<>

Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney.

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Second Wife

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"

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Wacky Americans

- We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

- We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

- We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

- Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

- We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

- We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

- We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

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Computer Weirdness in Movies

- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

- Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others)

- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.

- When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger")

- If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

- No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

- The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.

- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

- Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.

- Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")