hUMOR For March 17th

Strange Facts

"A species of earthworm in Australia grows up to 10 feet in length."

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To Be Six Again

You really have to give this guy an A+ for effort.

George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?"

His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."

George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"

Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"

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Unique Breakfast

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively.

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"

"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.

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Missed Connection

My friend's flight from Boston to New York City was delayed, so she
missed her connection home to Seattle. She joined a group of other
passengers in line at the ticket
counter, each hoping to book seats on the next flight to that destination.

All the travelers waited patiently except for one man, who treated
the agent very rudely. "I had an aisle seat reserved, and I better
get an aisle seat when we get on
another plane," he demanded. A few minutes later everyone was
relieved when they learned that there would be room for all.

"And, sir," the ticket agent said, turning to the obnoxious man, "I
am happy to tell you that you will have an aisle seat." Still
muttering, he picked up his carry-on and left for the gate. "And I'm
also happy to announce," the agent continued, "that the rest of you
will be seated in first class."

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"There are three things you never want to see on a Christmas

present: 'One Size Fits All,' 'Fun for all ages' and 'removes

unwanted hair.'" --Jim Mullen, Entertainment Weekly

***

They raised the price of tickets to Disney World to $59.75.

They've also put up a new sign that says 'Your wallet must

be this big to get in.'" --Jay Leno

***

Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might

try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I

needed was blinker fluid."

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For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard

operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my

supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval

of the vice president.

A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and

told me the VP had refused to approve the raise.

His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job. Every time he

saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or

talking on the phone.

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During a tour at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum, a New York

City woman mentioned that she was raising a type of cactus in

a pot on her apartment balcony. Another tourist asked her how

she kept from watering it too much, because the cactus would

die if over watered.

"I subscribe to the Tucson newspaper," replied the New Yorker.

"Every time I read that it rained in the desert, I give my

plant some water."

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British Speed Trap

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were

involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding

motorists on the A-1 Great North Road. One of the officers

used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a

vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was

surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their

radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not

able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that

the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter

jet, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the

Border district, approaching from the North Sea.

Back at police headquarters, the chief constable fired off a

stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the

reply in true laconic RAF style:

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the

file on this incident. You may be interested to know that

the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the

presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile

radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back

to it.

"Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the

fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your

equipment.

"Fortunately, the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the

situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile

systems alert status, and was able to override the automated

defense system before the missile was launched and your

hostile radar installation was destroyed. Good Day..."

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Soap and Water

We were asked to dinner by a new friend. When we sat down at the table, we noticed that the dishes were dirty.

"Were these dishes washed?", I asked the hostess as I rubbed my fingers over the surface.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".

I felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating anyway. Dinner was delicious, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

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Drop Dead Poker

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. After the game Mr. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. Rippington says, "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

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Americans Are Wacky

- We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

- In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

- We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich.

- We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

- We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.

- We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

- We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

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Murphy on Work

- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

- The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

- People are always available for work in the past tense.

- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

- You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

hUMOR For March16th

Laws of Work

- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

- The more of it you put up with, the more of it you're going to get.

- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.

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The 6 Truths of Life:

1. You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. The first “truth” is a lie.

4.You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to other idiots.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Sorry about all this but . . . I'm an idiot and I’m getting lonely.

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A Biker's Story

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter from the Berkeley Free Press newspaper has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."

"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."

"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle group are you with and what do you ride?"

"Christian U.S. Marine Corps Harley Riders."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it, indeed, contained the news of his actions, and read on front page headline:

RELIGIOIUS FANATIC BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - STEALS HIS LUNCH.

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"If you enjoy your alcohol, remember this: If you put your

old, rotten liver under your pillow, the Beer Fairy will

leave you a keg." --Paul Tomkins

***

"The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you

should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid

with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is

absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person."

-P. J. O'Rourke

***

"More Americans can name the three stooges than the three

branches of government. Well, that's because the three

stooges are more likely to get something done."

-David Letterman

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The following conversation took place one morning between a

wife and her now ex-husband. They were discussing government

cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Honey," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it

looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim

down the military forces. They are going to retire six over-

aged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear your

mother will be out of work."

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Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But

the initials really have been changed to stand for "What

would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth

because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the

Garden of Eden in a Fury."

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a

Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies

with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses'

followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the

Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't

like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St.

John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not

speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced

by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph

is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler:

"Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And,

following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda...

"The Apostles were in one Accord."

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Adopted Twins

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

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Van Gogh's Family Tree

- His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
- The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
- The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stop an Gogh
- The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh
- The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh
- His magician uncle - Where-diddy Gogh
- His Mexican cousin - A mee Gogh
- The Mexican cousin's American half-brother - Ring Gogh
- The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wells-far Gogh
- The constipated uncle - Cant Gogh
- The ballroom dancing aunt - Tang Gogh
- The bird lover uncle - Flaming Gogh
- His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh
- The fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh
- An aunt who taught positive thinking - Way-to Gogh
- The little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh
- A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh
- And his niece who traveled the country in a van - Winnie Bay Gogh

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That Darned Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that darned cat on the phone. I'm lost and need directions!"

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A Poem for Women

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and SMACKED him...
Like his Mother used to do.

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A Thoughtful Teacher

After school one day, a young first-grade boy was sitting at

the kitchen table, eating his afternoon snack, when he

blurted out, "Mom, the teacher was asking me today if I have

any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."

The boy's mother replied, "That's nice of her to take such

an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you

are an only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"

hUMOR ForMarch 15th

Don't Touch Me

An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night's sleep. He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."

"Why not?" he asks.

She answers back, "Because I'm dead."

The husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another."

She says, "No, I'm definitely dead."

He insists, "You're not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?" "Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

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Movie Computers Ain't My Computer

- Word processors never display a cursor.

- You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

- All monitors display inch-high letters.

- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

- Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

- Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

- Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress")

- All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

- Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

- All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.

- People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

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Work Laws

- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

- To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

- The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

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Gonna Be a Bear

In this life, I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definately deal with that.

If you're mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!

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Optimist and Pessimist

Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist could never
quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the Optimist decided
he had found a good way to pull his Pessimistic friend out of his
continual Pessimistic way of thinking. The Optimist owned a hunting
dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the
dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist shot down
a duck. The dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved
the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "What do you
think about that?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?"

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Cleaning Poem

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer 'yes.'

He told me to get off my fanny
And tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work...
I didn't mean to 'click.'

But click, I did, and oops I found<>A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into...
I was into it all night.<>

Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my hiney.

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Second Wife

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"

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Wacky Americans

- We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

- We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

- We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

- Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

- We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

- We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

- We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

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Computer Weirdness in Movies

- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

- Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others)

- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.

- When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger")

- If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

- No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

- The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.

- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

- Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.

- Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")

hUMOR For March 14th

Ant Humor

What is even bigger than an elephant?
A giant!

What do you call an ant in space?
Cosmonants & Astronants!

What do you call an ant from overseas?
Impartant!

What medicine would you give an ill ant?
Antibiotics!

What is smaller than an ant's dinner?
An ant's mouth!

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Simple Home Remedies

- Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

- For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

- A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

- Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

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Unspeakable

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."

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Babysitting

Lindy was babysitting grandson Jake when he was about four

years old. They were outside swinging on his slide swing.

They were just talking and talking. Then he became very

quiet and was looking straight up into the sky, so Lindy

said nothing and waited.

What came out of his mouth next she will treasure forever:

"You know, Grandma, this is just like we are on a little

date!"

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Little League Game

Coming home from his Little League game, Vernie swung open the front
door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately
wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Vernie said. "I was responsible for the
winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

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Be Careful What You Pray For

As song leader for my church in New Hampshire, I was

preparing for Sunday morning. I had planned on playing my

guitar, but my electronic tuner was missing. "Maybe I left

it in the car," I thought. Heading out to the garage, I

passed my husband in the living room, watching TV. "Please

pray that I find my tuner," I mentioned out loud and then I

asked God to help me find it.

As I searched through the car, I didn't find anything in the

back seat, but when I reached under the front seat, I pulled

out a can of tuna.

My husband heard my laughter from all the way in the house

and came out to the garage. "Honey," I chuckled, "the Lord

sure answered that prayer -- New England accent and all!"

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"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to

pull a sled through snow." -Jeff Valdez

***

"For those who may not know this: When the preacher says,

'You may now kiss the bride,' he's only speaking to the

groom." -David Gunter

***

"My sister was in labor for thirty-six hours. Ow! She got

wheeled out of delivery, looked at me, and said, 'Adopt.'"

-Caroline Rhea

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My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state

trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia.

Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked

when he walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the

officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires

out?"

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A woman, her husband, and their three rambunctious young sons

were in their car waiting at a traffic. The woman glanced

over at the car next them, noticing a blissfully happy mother

with her baby daughter.

Looking at her husband she said, "As soon as I lose my weight

from the last baby, I want to try for a daughter."

The husband reached up to the dash, grabbed an open box of

snacks, and said, "Here, have another cookie."

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A Lobster Story

In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking Up the wharf carrying two at-least-three-pound live lobsters, one in each hand.

It was three weeks after the season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Federal Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says: "Well me Laddie I got you this time - with two live lobsters three weeks after the season Closed!"

The Newfie says, "No - My Son you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended."

The Fisheries Officer says, " Trained like how?"

"Well my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke, or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!"

"Likely story", the Fisheries Officer says! "Lets take them on down the wharf and see if it's true."

So, the Newfie goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.

The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another! After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, "How about whistling?"

The Newfie says " What For?"

The Fisheries Officer says, " To call in the Lobsters"

The Newfie says, " What Lobsters?"

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Neighbor's Barking

Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor's dog, who has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, 'I've had enough of this'

Rushing downstairs, Chris finally returns, and Pat says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'

Chris says, 'I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.'

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Wanda's Dishwasher

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

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Ole Mac

A married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.

hUMOR For March 13th

Final Countdown

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."

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Ant Jokes

Where do ants go for their holidays?
Frants!

What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant!

What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?
All sorts of antics!

What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater!

Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path?
To trip up the ants!

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Beautiful Choir

It was visitors' day at the lunatic asylum. All the patients were standing out in the courtyard and singing, "Ave Maria", and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the conductor. "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"

"In the beginning this was a big problem. One inmate wanted to call them the "Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of Siam". But I said it was too long and, anyway, none of them were from Siam. Then, another thought "The Pencil Leads" was a good name but the others disagreed because they had no one to write to."

"Well," the visitor asked, "What name did they finally agree on?"

"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They all agreed to call themselves"...are you ready for this?...

"THE MORON TAPANAPPLE CHOIR"

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Feeling Old

When he was about 8, my son asked me when I was born.

I replied "63."

After a thoughtful pause he asked " What 63?"

It took me a minute to realize he was asking me if I was born in 1863 or 1963.

I asked him if he thought I was over a hundred.

He just said "well..." and was reluctant to say any more.

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Tourist Speak

Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.

"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.

"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this ugly, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell."

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Biggest Lie

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of
about a dozen boys, all between 10 and 12 years of age. The group had
surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he
went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

Vernie replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray.
We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've
decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to
keep the dog."

Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be
having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a
ten minute sermon against lying, beginning with, "Don't you boys know
it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I
never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was
beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the Vernie boy gave
a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

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"According to a new medical study, barbecuing is bad for

your prostate. Well, I'm glad they got this out in time.

I was going to barbecue my prostate this weekend. I had no

idea it's bad for you." -Jay Leno

***

"As kids, instead of building sandcastles, we'd make sand

sculptures of naked women. It was tricky though, cause we

didn't know what naked women looked like. I grew up in

Scotland in the 1970s. I was 24 before I saw a woman with

her coat off. I thought a cardigan was an erogenous zone."

-Craig Ferguson

***

"Today was actually a very lucky day for me. I woke up this

morning, and I got an unbelievable e-mail. Apparently, a

Nigerian prince left me $47 million. And all I have to do

to claim it, is pay a $500 filing fee. So you won't have me

to kick around anymore." -Jimmy Kimmel

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Doug asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter

of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to

date?"

Bill says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside,

put my arm around his shoulder, and pull him close to me

so that only he can hear. Then I'll say, "Do you see that

sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter, and I

love her very much. If you were thinking about touching,

kissing, or being physically affectionate to her in any

way, just remember...I don't mind going back to prison."

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Subject: FASHION

Many of us [those over 40, WAY over 40, or hovering near 40]

are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.

We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and

whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current

fashions. Despite what you may have seen, the following com-

binations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirt and support hose

5. Ankle bracelet and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly ring and a gall bladder scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirt and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirt and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. Inline skates and a walker

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind

when you shop!

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Water

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

"Da-ad..." "What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

"Five minutes later...

"Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

hUMOR For March 12th

As my five-year-old son and I were headed to McDonald's one

day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something

terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be

hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please,

God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

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Little Vernie walked up to the librarian to check out a book

entitled "COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS."

When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he

answered 'no.'

"Then why are you checking it out?"

"Because," said the little boy confidently, "I just started

collecting moths last month!"

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Smelling and Hearing

An elderly woman goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, it's terrible, I pass gas all the time. Fortunately, it's odorless and silent, otherwise I'd be mortified. For example, I've passed gas ten times just since we've been talking, but it's odorless and silent so you can't tell." The doctor gives her some green pills and tells her to take one a day and come back in a week.

The woman comes back after taking the pills for a week. She says, "Doc, there's been a change but not for the better. I still pass gas all the time, but while it's still silent, now it smells terrible!"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus blockage. Now we'll have to work on your hearing."

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New Years Resolutions You Can Keep

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit: smoking.
8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.
9. Spend more time at work.
10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.
11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
12. Quit giving money & time to charity.
14. Start being superstitious.
15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.
18. Personal goal: bring back disco.

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Went to a Fortune Teller

During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

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Very Hostile Farmer

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

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Strange Facts

"One pound of fat is equal to about 3500 calories."

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Dents RepairBlondes

This is a Certified Clean Blonde Joke!

A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!!

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Chicago Police Report

Chicago Bears coach Lovie Smith's house was egged.

Chicago police reported that some individual attempted to

"egg" Lovie Smith's house last night.

The report stated: "An empty egg carton was recovered at the

scene. Two eggs hit Mr. Smith's house, three eggs went over

his house and hit his neighbor's back door, two eggs hit the

houses of each of his next-door neighbors, and the remaining

three eggs were found broken on the ground near the carton

from where the individual threw them. Looking at what was

hit, police officials say they are considering Bears

quarterback Rex Grossman as the primary suspect."

(For those who don't know, Grossman hasn't been playing too

well of late.)

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"High gas prices leave a bad taste in people's mouths, have

you noticed that? That's mostly from the siphoning, but still

it's a horror." -Jay Leno

***

"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger on Thursday rushed to the aid

of a 12-year-old student who had fainted during an event at

his school. When the student came to and saw Schwarzenegger

rushing toward him, he died." -Seth Meyers

***

"I like Ralph Nader, he looks like the doctor you go to have

the bullet removed. John McCain, on the other hand, he looks

like the guy who has to be told to close his robe."

-David Letterman

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Preparing for a family vacation, my sister-in-law and her

husband explained to their young children that they would

be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were

told they would not be arriving at their destination until

after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, "Are we

there yet?"

After a few minutes of peaceful driving, their five-year-old

daughter perked up, "Is it dark yet?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A big, beefy, leather-wearing, biker type fellow walks into

a bar, slams his fist down, and demands in a loud voice,

"Give me a bottle of beer, or else...!"

Scared, the bartender serves the man his beer. This happens

every day for a week straight, and the bartender turns into

a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells

him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done,

he thinks, but he decides to try it.

The next day, the biker returns.

"Give me a bottle of beer, or else...!"

"O-o-o-or else w-w-w-what?" stammers the bartender.

"Or I'll take a draft if you're out of bottles."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Rules for Life

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are;

- You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct Tape.

- Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

- Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

- If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

- And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.