hUMOR For March 11th

I was on the phone trying to set up a furniture delivery.

"If you would like to arrange a delivery date, please press

one," the automated voice prompted me. "If you would like

to confirm delivery, please press two."

At that moment my three-year-old daughter let out an ear-

piercing shriek. "I'm sorry," the automated voice said,

"that is not a valid response."

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Don goes into business for himself. He buys a hotdog cart

and sets it up in a prime spot on a busy downtown corner,

right near a large bank.

One day, his friend Jim approaches him and asks Don if he

can lend him some money.

Don refuses.

"But why?" asks Jim. "Everyone knows you're doing well, and

I'm not asking for much."

"Well, Jim, in order to get this spot I had to sign a Non-

competition Agreement with that bank over there. According

to the terms of the agreement, they're don't sell hot dogs,

and I don't lend money."

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"You all enjoy the Academy Awards last night? ... I thought Jon Stewart did a great job. He did a great job. You know, the Oscars are broadcast in over 100 different countries, three of which actually like us." --Jay Leno

"This just in, ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama says he has a plan for getting us out of the Academy Awards. ... The show was very long. And I always think it takes a lot of nerve for a show that's four and a half hours to give an award for editing. ... I mean, the thing was so long and so dull, I thought I was hosting" --David Letterman

"Things getting nasty now between the Clinton and Obama campaigns. They've been so civil for a while. Now it's getting nasty. Check this out, Hillary Clinton's campaign has been circulating a photo of Barack Obama wearing a traditional Somali dress. Meanwhile, Obama's campaign has been circulating a photo of Hillary wearing a traditional Somali pantsuit." --Conan O'Brien

"In political news, Ralph Nader has decided to run for president. Well, you thought Mike Huckabee didn't know when to quit, huh? There you go. In fact, Ralph Nader's campaign slogan -- 'It's me again.'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Ralph Nader announced he's running for president again. Immediately after the announcement, the guy sitting next to Nader on the park bench told him to shut up." --Conan O'Brien

"Oh, and Barack Obama made another woman faint today. The bad news, it was Hillary when she saw the poll numbers." --Jay Leno

"This weekend, Fidel Castro, who is 81 years old, resigned from the presidency of Cuba and was replaced by his brother Raul, who is 76. Yeah, afterwards, Castro said, 'I wanted to give the kid a chance'" --Conan O'Brien

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Lacking All Religion

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."

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Murphy's Laws of Work

- No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

- When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

- The longer the title, the less important the job.

- Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

- An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

- Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

- All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

- Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

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Attractive Male Faces

UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and has a bat where the sun don't shine while he's on fire.

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For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

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Grace Of God

A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, Peter meets him at the pearly gates. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."

"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!"

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Genius!

A computer system technician worked at a law firm. One day, in the process of reconfiguring a user's computer, he had to log a user off and then back on. He entered her username and then asked her password to log back on.

Her password was "genius".

Each time he tried it, he received a message that stated the username or password was incorrect. Knowing that the username was correct, he asked her how to spell her password.

She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."

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Goats in School

At a high School in Montana a group of students played a prank on the
school. They let three goats loose in the school building.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the
goats: 1, 2, 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for goat #3.

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Anniversary Gift

For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic

dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a

dessert and leave it waiting.

When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was

beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there

was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator.

We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we

wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean

the house."

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"Starbucks has announced that they're introducing a coffee

that costs only one dollar. Apparently the catch is you have

to purchase it at Dunkin' Donuts." -Conan O'Brien

***

"Happy Leap Year! When President Bush heard that he said,

'Remember to turn your clocks ahead one year people!'"

-Jay Leno

***

"Los Angeles' tap water was voted the tastiest in the United

States. Fine. I like New York City tap water. I like that

you can blow the head off it." -Dave Letterman

hUMOR For March 11th

Laws of Work

- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

- The more of it you put up with, the more of it you're going to get.

- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it.

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Gonna Be a Bear

In this life, I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definately deal with that.

If you're mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup, gonna be a bear!

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"Horseshoe Look"

One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge.

He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened.

The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

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CleanQuote

"Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish."
- Mark Twain

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Illustration - "Reality"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

On a tour of Mammoth Cave in Kentucky, the guide stopped and addressed the crowd. "Do you want to see what a real cave looks like?" he asked.

Of course, everyone said yes.

Without another word, he shut off all the lights.

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Jeff stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my ex-wife any

money."

Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not. I am. You do."

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A woman was giving a speech, "I just found out that my only child is

academically number one in her class."

Applause radiated from the audience.

"On top of that she was nominated for prom queen."

More applause radiated from the audience.

"Thank you," replied the woman, "but it's not that big of a deal. She's

homeschooled."

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Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.

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Best Patients

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

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Cows

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls.

But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

Maybe we should give them all a cow.

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Driving Test

Two truck driving brothers are taking a driving test, and the instructor asks, "You're driving the truck and you're at the top of a mountain and your brakes go out. You notice an accident at the bottom of the mountain, what do you do?"

The trucker replies, "The first thing I do is wake up my brother."

"What good is that going to do?" the instructor asks.

The trucker replies replies, "In all of the years we've been driving he ain't never seen an accident like the one we're about to get in to."

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Life

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "Woo hoo! What a ride!"

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"Computer Repair"

An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I'll fix it for you."

About ten minutes later she showed up at his door... with the electrical cord in her right hand.

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Air Boss

Activated from the Army Reserves for a joint service Arctic

exercise, I was assigned to the air reconnaissance section.

Although I had recently been promoted, I was feeling rusty,

and wanted to get started learning my duties so as not to

appear too "green."

I confided to the Air Force lieutenant colonel who greeted

me that I was anxious to meet the Air Boss right away.

"Don't worry, son," he said reassuringly, "the Air Boss is a

real professional, knows his stuff cold and works well with

his people. Great guy."

"Terrific!" I replied. "What's his name?"

Looking through the roster, the welcoming officer replied,

"O'Hara."

"Oh, no," I groaned. "That's me."

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"I was in McDonald's and I saw this kid take his Happy Meal

toy and throw it on the ground. His mom said, 'Hey, you play

with that. There are children in China who are manufacturing

those!'" --Laura Silverman

***

"I have a Y chromosome that makes me ask, Why get married?

But I wouldn't want to put down marriage as a whole - which

it is." --Kevin Hench

***

"I like hip-hop. I'm working with Ice Cube, Ice-T, and Herb

Tea. I'm changing my name to Snapple." --Paul Mooney

hUMOR For March 9th

I was sitting in the foyer of a bank when a young man walked

by, and then stopped for a moment on his way out. I noticed

that one of the latches on his overstuffed briefcase was

unfastened, putting strain on the remaining latch.

"You're going to lose the contents of your briefcase," I

warned him.

Just then the case burst open. He stared at me with something

akin to fear in his eyes as he gasped, "How on earth did you

do that?"

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While on leave, my Marine buddy and I met two nursing

students from Southern California. After chatting them

up awhile, the conversation turned to what we did in the

service. When we told them we were in the infantry, the

girls seemed very impressed, giving us big smiles as they

told us how sweet that was.

Since infantry and sweet are seldom used in the same sen-

tence, I was a little confused. Until, that is, one of the

girls said, "We admire any man who works with infants."

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Terminology

Important Legal Terminology

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law BEFORE the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law AFTER the criminal has been arrested, we call him a defense attorney.

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Meals on Wheels

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on.

The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.

A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth.

The earth was no better for them than it was the cat.

They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.

One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful.

The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

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20,000 Cockroaches

Customer: Do you have and cockroaches?

Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.

Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.

Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?

Customer: I’m moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.

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Movie Computers Ain't My Computer

- Word processors never display a cursor.

- You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

- All monitors display inch-high letters.

- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.

- Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

- Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

- Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." (See "Fortress")

- All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

- Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

- All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward.

- People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

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Strange Facts

"If you thank God for all the joys He has given you,

you won't have any time left to complain.""

~ Master Eckhart

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Sorry for the Delay

Shar was on a Sun Country flight which was delayed at the gate after everyone had boarded.

The flight attendant said over the intercom, "We're sorry for the
delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is
broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and
on our way shortly."

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A judge in Kentucky threw out a ballot question aiming for a state

constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.

He said it would be ridiculous for the state to ban gay marriage before it

stops people from marrying their kinfolk.

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The autumn I was eight months pregnant with our first child, we moved into a

new community. Soon after our arrival, a lady came to the door one day

collecting for charity as well as looking for more canvassers. I told her to

ask me again next year. A year later the woman returned, but again I was

eight months pregnant. With a chuckle, she promised to try another time.

Somehow I missed her the following autumn, and she came instead in February,

canvassing for another charity and hoping to get more volunteers. She looked

at my bulging form in disbelief and exclaimed, "Every time I come here,

you're pregnant!'

"I know," I agreed, laughing. "Please don't come again."

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Bear Hunt

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

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Cross Examination

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

hUMOR For March 8th

Random Words

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

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Wacky Americans

- We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.

- We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

- We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

- Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

- We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".

- We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

- We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

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Murphy on Work

- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

- The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).

- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

- People are always available for work in the past tense.

- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

- At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

- You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

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Heart Transplant

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.”

“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

“It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”

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Learning a Foreign Language

Two Americans were visiting Switzerland. They were standing on a corner, waiting to cross the street, when a well-dressed gentleman stopped to ask them a question.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asked.

The two Americans just stared at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried. The two continued to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response.

"¿Hablan ustedes español?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy gave up and walked off in a huff, extremely disgusted. When he was gone, the first American turned to the second and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" the other replied. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

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Instructions for Yankees Moving to the South

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later
how to use it.

2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as
"Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.
Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in
the cab of a four wheel drive with a tow chain will be along shortly.
Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.

5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking,
let alone eating.

8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural.
"All y'all's" is plural possessive.

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern
accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.

10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

11. People walk slower here.

12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.

13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol'
truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new
southern-influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred
percent are in denial about it.

14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

15. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the
last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

16. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay
out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

17. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those
who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a
southern licence plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the
car was purchased.

18. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already
know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off
trying to find it yourself.

19. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait
until November, if used at all.

20. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the
local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from
the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.

21. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more
Yankees than Southerners living there.

22. As you are fussing at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to
drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the
proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

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Knowledge is free, but you have to bring your own container.

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Volunteer

During his spare time my brother, an attorney, volunteers on

his town's fire and rescue squad.

When I mentioned this to a friend, he smiled and said, "Let

me get this straight. Your brother is a lawyer and an EMT?

So he doesn't have to chase the ambulance -- he's already in

it?"

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"In sports The Florida Marlins have announced they will form

an all-male, plus-size cheerleading squad. They will be

called the Marlin Brandos." -Conan O'Brien

***

"Another Democratic debate last night. This time in Ohio.

The big winner? 'American Idol.'" -Jay Leno

***

"Hillary Clinton is trailing Barack Obama. She's getting

pretty desperate. People are saying she has a new personality

every day of the campaign. For instance, today, she is Madam

Lasonga, the mind reader at the carnival." -David Letterman

hUMOR For March 7th

I just read an article on USA Today's website which said,

basically, that today's teens are a bunch of uncultured

ignoramuses. The actual headline is 'Teens losing touch

with common cultural and historical references.'

Among 1,200 students surveyed:

43 percent knew the Civil War was fought between 1850 and

1900.

52 percent could identify the theme of the book 1984.

51 percent knew that the controversy surrounding Senator

Joseph McCarthy focused on communism.

In all, students earned a C in history and an F in literature.

It's hard to be too critical. I mean, how many people really

ever use history, or literature? Anybody who has ever gotten

a job because they knew the Civil War started in 1850 and

ended in 1900 please write in and let us know!

Laugh it up,

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"I didn"t go to any Oscar parties last night. I'm not into

the Hollywood scene, especially with the whole 'not being

invited to any of them' thing." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Problems for Hillary Clinton: There are 14 states to go,

and she only has 12 pantsuits left." -Jay Leno

***

"The store Sharper Image has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

The bankruptcy was filed using the Sharper Image Bankruptcy-

Filing, Folding-Bicycle, Massage Chair." -Conan O'Brien

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Shows that may be appearing on TV soon, as a result of the

electronic and computer age:

Modem, She Wrote: Each week, our intrepid detective tries

to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem won't ever

connect at 56k.

Micro-CHiPs: Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information

Superhighway.

Carly's Angels: Chief exec Carly Fiorina instructs her team

of three vixen market analysts on how to prop up HP's

sagging stock price.

Hawaii 6.0: An upgraded version of the classic series.

Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online.

T. J. Hacker: A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance

to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down

the miscreants who canceled his TV show.

The Excel Files: Inexplicable things are happening to the

data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be

solved? The truth is out there.

The AOL-Team: Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and

Mr. TT unite to promote corporate mergers and make the

world safe for capitalism.

Magnum, PC: This series about a crime-solving personal

computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in

beautiful Hawaii.

Buffy the Virus Slayer: Buffy and her fearless gang of

antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files-- no small

feat while wearing a halter top and high-heeled boots.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Walter was sitting in the doctor's office for his annual

physical going over a few fine points about his health

with his doctor.

The doctor said, "Your blood pressure is a little high,

you know Walter, you need to watch your diet and lose a

little weight."

"But doc, I'm losing weight more and more each day."

"Oh really? How are you doing it?" asked the doctor.

"Well, just six weeks ago, I'd eat lunch at 12:00 and have

a snack around 3:00. Just today I had breakfast at 7:30,

waited 2 hours, had a snack at 9:30 then I waited an hour

and a half and ate lunch at 11:00, then I waited 45 minutes

and had a snack before coming here"

"And with this regiment you're losing weight?" asked the

doctor.

"Yeah," Walter said excitedly. "More meals and less wait!"

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Pony Express

At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed.

The clerk thought a moment and then suggested, "The horses are a lot older now?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Hardware Store Sign

My local hardware store puts its customers in their place before they
even enter. The sign on the door reads:

"Shoes required, because you might hurt yourself. Shirts required,
because you're not as good-looking as you think."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"The Spice Girls say they want to play for Nelson Mandela's

90 birthday party. When he heard this he said, 'No thanks,

I'd rather go back to prison.'" -Conan O'Brien

***

"For three whole hours today, the whole world stood still.

Starbucks in America closed for three hours — every single

one! Starbucks says the training will 'transform the

customer experience.' You know what they should do if they

want to transform the customer experience? How about not

charging five bucks for a cup of coffee?" -Craig Ferguson

***

"It was a tough day for America. From 5:30 to 8:30 tonight,

every Starbucks was closed. Fortunately, President Bush

gave FEMA the go-ahead to tap into the nation’s mochaccino

reserve." -Jimmy Kimmel

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew,

Mitch, having a snack.

"Where's your mother?" I asked.

"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second,

I'll see."

Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on

full blast.

An indignant yell came from above.

Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in

the shower."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Knock knock

Who's there?

Golaith

Goliath who?

Goliath down, you looketh tired.

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Buying a Hat

My wife and I were visiting her 95-year-old grandfather when

he asked us to take him to buy a new hat.

My wife took me aside. "I'm worried that he doesn't have

enough money, and he'll be very embarrassed," she said. So I

asked the salesperson to tell my wife's grandfather that

whichever hat he chose cost $15. I would pay the difference.

Grandpa picked out a hat and was charged $15. After he left,

I paid the other $45 of the price.

Later Grandpa said, "What a bargain! The last one I bought

there cost me $60."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Brian and Cathleen took their newborn, Emily, to meet her cousins, Erin and

Savannah, in Oklahoma. The cousins were delighted with her and watched

everything the adults did with Emily including changing her diapers. The

girls were sitting right beside Brian the first time he changed one of

Emily's messy diapers.

When he opened her diaper he said, "Ew! She pooped!"

Erin looked at him and asked, "Didn't they tell you she would do that?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about

how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"

Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I braced

myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my

husband.

He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Politicians: People who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel,

order more tunnel.