hUMOR For March 7th

I just read an article on USA Today's website which said,

basically, that today's teens are a bunch of uncultured

ignoramuses. The actual headline is 'Teens losing touch

with common cultural and historical references.'

Among 1,200 students surveyed:

43 percent knew the Civil War was fought between 1850 and

1900.

52 percent could identify the theme of the book 1984.

51 percent knew that the controversy surrounding Senator

Joseph McCarthy focused on communism.

In all, students earned a C in history and an F in literature.

It's hard to be too critical. I mean, how many people really

ever use history, or literature? Anybody who has ever gotten

a job because they knew the Civil War started in 1850 and

ended in 1900 please write in and let us know!

Laugh it up,

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"I didn"t go to any Oscar parties last night. I'm not into

the Hollywood scene, especially with the whole 'not being

invited to any of them' thing." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Problems for Hillary Clinton: There are 14 states to go,

and she only has 12 pantsuits left." -Jay Leno

***

"The store Sharper Image has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.

The bankruptcy was filed using the Sharper Image Bankruptcy-

Filing, Folding-Bicycle, Massage Chair." -Conan O'Brien

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Shows that may be appearing on TV soon, as a result of the

electronic and computer age:

Modem, She Wrote: Each week, our intrepid detective tries

to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem won't ever

connect at 56k.

Micro-CHiPs: Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information

Superhighway.

Carly's Angels: Chief exec Carly Fiorina instructs her team

of three vixen market analysts on how to prop up HP's

sagging stock price.

Hawaii 6.0: An upgraded version of the classic series.

Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online.

T. J. Hacker: A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance

to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down

the miscreants who canceled his TV show.

The Excel Files: Inexplicable things are happening to the

data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be

solved? The truth is out there.

The AOL-Team: Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and

Mr. TT unite to promote corporate mergers and make the

world safe for capitalism.

Magnum, PC: This series about a crime-solving personal

computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in

beautiful Hawaii.

Buffy the Virus Slayer: Buffy and her fearless gang of

antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files-- no small

feat while wearing a halter top and high-heeled boots.

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Walter was sitting in the doctor's office for his annual

physical going over a few fine points about his health

with his doctor.

The doctor said, "Your blood pressure is a little high,

you know Walter, you need to watch your diet and lose a

little weight."

"But doc, I'm losing weight more and more each day."

"Oh really? How are you doing it?" asked the doctor.

"Well, just six weeks ago, I'd eat lunch at 12:00 and have

a snack around 3:00. Just today I had breakfast at 7:30,

waited 2 hours, had a snack at 9:30 then I waited an hour

and a half and ate lunch at 11:00, then I waited 45 minutes

and had a snack before coming here"

"And with this regiment you're losing weight?" asked the

doctor.

"Yeah," Walter said excitedly. "More meals and less wait!"

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Pony Express

At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed.

The clerk thought a moment and then suggested, "The horses are a lot older now?"

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Hardware Store Sign

My local hardware store puts its customers in their place before they
even enter. The sign on the door reads:

"Shoes required, because you might hurt yourself. Shirts required,
because you're not as good-looking as you think."

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"The Spice Girls say they want to play for Nelson Mandela's

90 birthday party. When he heard this he said, 'No thanks,

I'd rather go back to prison.'" -Conan O'Brien

***

"For three whole hours today, the whole world stood still.

Starbucks in America closed for three hours — every single

one! Starbucks says the training will 'transform the

customer experience.' You know what they should do if they

want to transform the customer experience? How about not

charging five bucks for a cup of coffee?" -Craig Ferguson

***

"It was a tough day for America. From 5:30 to 8:30 tonight,

every Starbucks was closed. Fortunately, President Bush

gave FEMA the go-ahead to tap into the nation’s mochaccino

reserve." -Jimmy Kimmel

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I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew,

Mitch, having a snack.

"Where's your mother?" I asked.

"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second,

I'll see."

Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on

full blast.

An indignant yell came from above.

Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in

the shower."

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Knock knock

Who's there?

Golaith

Goliath who?

Goliath down, you looketh tired.

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Buying a Hat

My wife and I were visiting her 95-year-old grandfather when

he asked us to take him to buy a new hat.

My wife took me aside. "I'm worried that he doesn't have

enough money, and he'll be very embarrassed," she said. So I

asked the salesperson to tell my wife's grandfather that

whichever hat he chose cost $15. I would pay the difference.

Grandpa picked out a hat and was charged $15. After he left,

I paid the other $45 of the price.

Later Grandpa said, "What a bargain! The last one I bought

there cost me $60."

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Brian and Cathleen took their newborn, Emily, to meet her cousins, Erin and

Savannah, in Oklahoma. The cousins were delighted with her and watched

everything the adults did with Emily including changing her diapers. The

girls were sitting right beside Brian the first time he changed one of

Emily's messy diapers.

When he opened her diaper he said, "Ew! She pooped!"

Erin looked at him and asked, "Didn't they tell you she would do that?"

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Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about

how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"

Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I braced

myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my

husband.

He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."

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Politicians: People who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel,

order more tunnel.

hUMOR For March 6th

"I'm getting older and I'm thinking about having my eggs

frozen. Well, just the egg whites. I'm trying to cut back on

my cholesterol." --Brenda Pontiff

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Maybe this is why they don't teach music in high school

any more. Following are actual answers from students on

music tests...

- The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was

called pre-Madonna.

- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the

same lines.

- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know ex-

actly what they sounded like because there are no known

descendants.

- Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze

Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica,

Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in

Blue.

- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a

duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

- Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the

Hatfields and the McCoys.

- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical com-

positions and had a large number of children. In between he

practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.

- Rock Monanoff was a famous post-romantic composer of piano

concerti.

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While my brother was stationed overseas, his wife wrote to

him daily. For an added touch, she'd always scribble little

abbreviated notes on the outside of the envelope.

One day my brother received a letter with the familiar "SWL"

(sealed with love) message on the envelope. He noticed that

the letter was sealed with tape and chuckled when he read

this notation written by a postal employee: "Love didn't

stick--resealed in Seattle."

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Found Cell Phone"

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

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CleanQuote

"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself."
- Johann Sebastian Bach

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Illustration - "The Other Side"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side."

Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."

"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?"

The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing. I know my Master is there and that is enough."

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Strange Facts

"A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking."

~ Arthur Block

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Church Sign

A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor

decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a

parishioner call the sign company.

The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he

wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.

The sign came back a few days later... "Unto Mary Jesus was

born, six feet long and two feet wide."

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Vow of Silence

At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.

The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"

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Computer Weirdness in Movies

- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

- Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others)

- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.

- When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger")

- If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

- No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

- The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.

- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

- Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.

- Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Computer Weirdness in Movies

- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

- Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function. (See "Demolition Man" and countless others)

- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems transmit data at a speed of two gigabytes per second.

- When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. (e.g., "Clear and Present Danger")

- If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

- No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

- The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has ("Aliens"). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.

- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

- Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Y-MP.

- Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face. (See "Alien," "2001")

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Work Laws

- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

- Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

- To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

- The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

hUMOR For March 5th

Sheep Herder

There once was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes, so she decided to dye her hair red and try and trick everyone into thinking that she was a redhead.

After she dyed her hair, she went for a drive to see if she could trick anyone.

She came across a sheep herder and his herd and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have in your herd, can I take one home?"

The sheep herder said, "Sure!"

The blonde proudly said, "There are 345 sheep."

The sheep herder exclaimed, "Wow! That is absolutely right, so go ahead and pick a sheep to take home."

The Blonde got out, got a sheep, and put it in her car.

The sheep herder said, "Now I have a deal for you. If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

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Circles"

During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had 260 degrees.

“But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees,” remarked one of the trainees.

“Don’t be stupid,” the sergeant roared. “This is a small circle.”

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Oneliner

"You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot."

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CleanPun - "Dog Dance Lessons"

This guy decides he wants his dog to be able to dance, so he enrolls the pet in dance classes. Dutifully, he takes this dog to class every week, but he sees no improvement. Finally, he takes the instructor aside and says, "I'm spending a fortune here. Why isn't my dog's dancing improving?"

"I'm sorry," the instructor replies, "but there's not much I can do. Your dog has two left feet."

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”White Gloves”

Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.

One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room wearing a towel.

Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it on. "What are you doing?" I asked.

"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."

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Walking on Water

Joe heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather
had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.

So, on his 21st birthday, Joe and his good friend Brian headed out to
the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted. When Joe and
Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling.
When the got to the middle of the lake, Joe stepped off of the side
of the boat ... and almost drowned.

Furious and somewhat ashamed, he and Brian headed for home. When Joe
arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an
explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father,
and his father, and his father before him?"

The feeble old grandmother took Joe by the hands, looked into his
eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and
great-grandfather were born in January ... you were born in July, dear."

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Vern was telling his buddy about his diagnosis of his high blood

pressure. "The doctors told me to quit eating red meat,"

"Well, did you quit," asked his buddy.

Vern replied, "Sure did. You think I'm a dummy or something? I haven't had a

drop of ketchup on my hamburgers since."

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Morris was invited to a party but unfortunately, during the evening, he lost

his wallet.

Morris, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted, "Excuse me

ladies and gentlemen, I've just lost my wallet with over $1,500 in cash in

it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give $150."

A voice from the back of the room shouted, "I will give$175!"

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"President Bush met with the king of Belgium and said 'I love your

waffles.'" - Craig Ferguson

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Seventeenth Chapter

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

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Helping To Clean The Dishes

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog.

When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"

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Calf Value

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.

The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher.

"But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It is post-dated six years from now."

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Your Daughter is Pregnant

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about two seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

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Elephant Picture

Jake is five years old and learning to read. He points at a

picture in a zoo book and says, "Look, Mama! It's a frickin'

elephant!"

Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

and so it does ...

"A f r i c a n Elephant."

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

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"They do a lot of animal testing in the cosmetics industry,

maybe they should brag about it in their commercials.

'Aquanet hair spray, if it can blind a spider monkey, it

can make your hair look luscious!'" --Vernon Chapman

***

"I think the most memorable experience I had in France was

visiting the cathedral at Chartres. It's a 400-year-old

cathedral. Beautiful stained glass, and it's a very, very

moving experience, and as I was writing my name on it with

a can of spray paint..." --Steve Martin

hUMOR For March 4th

Meeting the Big Guy

A rich American tourist was holidaying overseas, and was intent on seeing the Big Guy. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Big Guy would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Big Guy made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

The Big Guy then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Big Guy would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Big Guy and hopefully exchange a few words. The Big Guy was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the heck out of here?!"

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A friend was thinking about buying a new house in the country and asked me

to come out and look at it. We found the town, but we couldn't locate the

road. We drove over to city hall, where a community get-together was going

on, and asked around, but no one had heard of the road. Even the policemen

and fire personnel were stumped.

We went in to city hall and consulted a map, with no luck, until finally one

young man came to our aid. He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to

get there. I thanked the young man and asked if he was with the police or

fire department.

"Neither," he replied. "I deliver pizzas."

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"Grandma Shar, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle

the middle-of-the-night feeding asked Nikki Rae"

"No. I always did that."

"That must have been before you had women's liberation said Nikkie Rae."

"No, it was before we had baby bottles said Grandma Shar"

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You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on

lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off.

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At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy in

the head and I should be committed to a mental institution.

Why do women always want us to make a commitment? --Unknown

***

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to

say and then don't say it. --Sam Levenson

***

After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the

driver of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other

vehicle was a cow.

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A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house,

which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate

agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day

to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk

to anyone about the house.

One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and

asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first

reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became

more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one

secret but she could not tell it to him.

"Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret.

I promise I won't tell anyone."

She looked him straight in the eye and whispered, "We have

monsters in our sewer."

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In the office where I work, there is a constant battle

between our technical-support director and customer-service

personnel over the room temperature, which is usually too

low.

The frustrated director, trying to get us to understand his

position, announced one afternoon, "We need to keep the

temperature below seventy-five degrees or the computers

will overheat."

Thinking that this was just another excuse, one of my

shivering colleagues retorted, "Yeah right. So how did they

keep the computers from overheating before there was air

conditioning?"

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Recent Quips from Late Night

"Actually, political experts say that Mitt Romney has the No. 1 thing John McCain is looking for in a vice presidential candidate - an organ donor card." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says if John McCain is the Republican nominee, he will campaign for him. Well, you can't do better than that." --David Letterman

"Former President George H.W. Bush will endorse Senator John McCain for president. They have been close friends since the Civil War and the former president says that John McCain is the only candidate who has the strength, the leadership and the vision to dig America out of this giant hole his son has put us in." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you see Roger Clemens testifying this week before Congress? One congressman named Elijah Cummings called Clemens, "One of my heroes," and then called him a liar. So, I guess that's what makes you a hero to a congressman pretty much." --Jay Leno

"This week in Sacramento, Mexican President Felipe Calderon spoke to California lawmakers. And out of force of habit, they gave him a driver's license." --Jay Leno

"On Bill O'Reilly's show on Fox, Bill O'Reilly does a segment he calls 'Pinhead or Patriot.' And today President Bush said, 'Well, why can't you be both?'" --Jay Leno

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Rude Parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly upset now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so upset that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

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I Feel Like a Bridge

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bridge.
The Doctor says, "What's come over you?"
The guy says, "Three cars and a truck!"

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Price of a Close Shave

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

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Accounting Interview

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview

for a good paying job. The company boss asked various

questions about him and his education, but then asked him,

"What is three times seven?"

"Twenty-two," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked

it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to

the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, Rick got a letter that said he was

hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in

the mouth, but he was still very curious. The next day, he

went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got

such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said,

"Well, you were the closest."

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Money talks, but credit has an echo.

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Strange Facts

"Babies of blue whale weigh up to 7 tonnes at birth"

hUMOR For March 3rd

"Castro announced his retirement on the Internet. This is

the man who blocked the Internet in his own country. He has

a blog. Probably has a MySpace page as well — Current mood:

Evil." -Craig Ferguson

***

"Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Texas. They're really

nervous over at the Hillary camp. To give you an idea how

nervous she is, she showed up in a pantsuit and chaps."

-David Letterman

***

"Yesterday, Fidel Castro announced he is stepping down. He

will be replaced by his brother Raul. According to the State

Department, Raul is the Jim Belushi of Central America."

-Conan O'Brien

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A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair

some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested

area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning

of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one

member, of the crew looked back and spotted a deer running

across the highway. She turned to a co-worker and said, "I

wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"

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The fairy Tinker Bell hoped to be Peter Pan's companion,

but he rejected her for the more mundane Wendy. Devastated

by this downturn of events, Tinker Bell decided to get as

far away from Never-Never Land as she could. Her flight

from fantasy land ended in Fresno, California, where she

became a waitress at a roadside truckstop.

One day an especially rowdy group of truckers came into the

restaurant. They got roaring drunk, spoke loudly and rudely,

slopped chunks of food all over the table and floor, and

left Tinker Bell a measly quarter gratuity per trucker. The

enraged sprite literally flew into a tantrum, pointed to one

of the paltry coins, and screamed, "It's the wrong way to

tip a fairy, who's a long way from home!"

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Men's Room

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

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Love Note From Vern To Dottie

To Dottie, the love of my life:

There is nothing I would not do to reach your side. I would climb
the highest mountain! I would cross the trackless desert! I would
swim the widest ocean to be near you, my beloved.

With love and tenderness,
Vernon

PS: See you Saturday night, if it doesn't rain.

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Buy a Mac

I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac.

I was against it and an argument started.

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac.

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?"

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs."

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The Less You Know, The More You Make

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.

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Calming Albert

In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited, Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert."

A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert."

The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm Albert!"

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Caught Stealing

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"

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King of the Jungle?

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!

Later, the lion confronts an ox and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"

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Fishcakes

A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a fish under his arm.

"Do you have any fishcakes?" he asks.

"Yes, of course," says the fish shop owner.

"Great," replies the man, nodding at the fish under his arm, "It's his birthday."

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Male assertiveness

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.