hUMOR For Feb 26th

"Valentines Day ads have been on for a month now. 'Get her

flowers; send her flowers; she really wants flowers. Flowers

or you die.' Every guy has his own flower strategy, but I

prefer the single red rose. Simple, romantic, easy to steal

from the cemetery." -Craig Ferguson

***

"A woman in California is being studied because she says

she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I'm

thinking, 'Wait a minute — isn't that every woman?'"

-Dave Letterman

***

A buck is a dollar and dough is money. Why are deer called

a buck and a doe? Does this mean we should call our loose

change fawns?

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I saw this little gem on The New Yorker online. The scary

part is that I've actually had conversations very similar

to this...

The Wisdom of Children

by Simon Rich

A Conversation at the Grownup Table, as Imagined at the

Kids' Table.

MOM: Pass the wine, please. I want to become crazy.

DAD: O.K.

GRANDMOTHER: Did you see the politics? It made me angry.

DAD: Me, too. When it was over, I had sex.

UNCLE: I'm having sex right now.

DAD: We all are.

MOM: Let's talk about which kid I like the best.

DAD: (laughing) You know, but you won't tell.

MOM: If they ask me again, I might tell.

FRIEND FROM WORK: Hey, guess what! My voice is pretty loud!

DAD: (laughing) There are actual monsters in the world, but

when my kids ask I pretend like there aren't.

MOM: I'm angry! I'm angry all of a sudden!

DAD: I'm angry, too! We're angry at each other!

MOM: Now everything is fine.

DAD: We just saw the PG-13 movie. It was so good.

MOM: There was a big sex.

FRIEND FROM WORK: I am the loudest! I am the loudest!

(Everybody laughs.)

MOM: I had a lot of wine, and now I'm crazy!

GRANDFATHER: Hey, do you guys know what God looks like?

ALL: Yes.

GRANDFATHER: Don't tell the kids.

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Just after Christmas I received a rather general thank-you

note from my sister for the present I had sent her. However,

her next letter in mid-March explained that upon receiving

my gift, a well taped box of chocolates, she had immediately

put it in the freezer because she had already gained about

six pounds that Christmas and wanted to avoid temptation.

One day in March, having lost the excess weight and craving

a chocolate, she went to the freezer, mouth watering in

anticipation, opened the box, and discovered the frozen black

sequined evening purse I had given her.

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Dog Watch

Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"

Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."

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Biting Nails

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth."

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I have finally found the key to happiness. Unfortunately fate had the locks

changed.

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Engineers vs. Accoutants

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" Asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" Says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

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Confusing Genie

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing; because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever. "That was your first wish, too!"

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Things to Do When Your ISP Is Down

1. Dial 911 immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.

3. You mean there's something else to do?

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

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digital clock

Q: What did the digital clock say to his mother?

A: Look ma no hands!

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White Gloves

Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist

and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.

One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with

petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white

gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my

husband finished showering and came into the room wearing a

towel.

Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie

and put it on. "What are you doing?" I asked.

"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."

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The Best Part of Waking up……………………………..

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

As she reached the bottom, she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV...'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

hUMOR For Feb 25th

Vampire bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as heck didn't!"

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Age Quotes

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. -- Bob Hope

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two. -- Sir Norman Wisdom

Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late. -- Mike Tyson

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead. -- John Mendoza

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer. -- Robert Quillen

People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body. == Geoffrey Parfitt

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At my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo

album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles have

come back over the years," I commented.

Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she

said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took

X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who

studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

"What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.

"He fell out of a tree," I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree

Service."

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out

'expert.'"

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Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

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Rodents had overrun a posh private school near New York City. So

the headmaster asked a health inspector to deliver a slide

presentation to teachers and students, showing how to remedy the

situation, i.e., stow trash, no food in class, etc.

The following day, a teacher had her very young children write a

letter to the inspector, thanking him for the visit.

One of the students wrote:

Dear Mr. Ark,

Thank you for coming to my school. Until I met you, I didn't know

what a rat looked like."

Sincerely,

Bobby Jones

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Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet; my

sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should

pass through his system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure?" she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the

refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

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IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially

attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

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Painting a Porch

Wanting to earn some money, Cletus decided to hire himself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

Cletus said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told him that the paint and ladders that he might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does he realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "He should. He was standing on the porch."

A short time later, Cletus came to the door to collect his money. "You're finished already?" the man asked.

"Yes," Cletus answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," Cletus added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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BIBLE SALES


A preacher concluded that his church was getting into very serious
financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for
$10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious
doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to
himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the preacher an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a
professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and
here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are
truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?"
the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you
suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in
just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in
unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10
times as many Bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," said the minister who didn't want to appear to be foolish. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell
us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible
F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you
j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and
r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

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10 commandments

The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post:

Thou Shalt Not Steal
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery
and Thou Shall Not Lie

in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.

hUMOR For Feb 24th

Grandma and God

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

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A Fishing Lure

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" The Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son,” said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir,” replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

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Soap Thief

Q: What kind of person steals soap?

A: A dirty crook

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T-Shirts in the Star Wars Universe

- "My Mom (and/or Dad) fought at the Battle of (Yavin/Hoth/Endor) and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"

- "Have you hugged a wookie today?"

- "I'm with stupid" (With arrow pointing to Jabba)

- "My astromech went to the Death Star and all I got were the lousy Technical Schematics"

- "Emperor's slugs need love too"

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"This week a man in Florida was arrested for hitting the

manager of a Taco Bell in the face with a bag full of

Tacos. Afterwards, the Taco Bell manager said, 'It's weird,

my tacos usually don't attack me until I'm in the bathroom.'"

-Conan O'Brien

***

"Westminster Dog Show is the granddaddy of them all. It is

the Oscars of dog shows. It's just like the Oscars, except

the speeches are shorter and slightly less butt-sniffing."

-Craig Ferguson

***

"How about that Mitt Romney? I'm going to miss him. He's

like the archaeologist who ignored the curse of the mummy's

tomb." -David Letterman

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Over dinner, Jill said to John, "I met this horrible and

rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he

was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really

bad language; he even threatened me!"

"How did you meet this fellow?" John asked, very concerned.

Jill said, "Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car."

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A friend went to her doctor the other day, and the man was

not very sympathetic with her aches and pains. "You'll just

have to learn to live it," he said.

When she got her bill for $90, she sent it back, with the

notation, "You'll just have to learn to live without it!"

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Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

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The True Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader, called Abraham of Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot of Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called, 'Amazon Dot Com'.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband;
'Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?'

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddlebags short of a camel load, but simply said: 'How, dear?'

And Dot replied:
'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).'

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did hide himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: 'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.'
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known 'eBay' he said, 'We need a name that reflects what we are.'

And Dot replied:
'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.'
'YAHOO!' said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it.

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Shaving Technique

A man enters a Barber Shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

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Car Wash

A church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money for a special trip.

They made a large sign that read: CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP.

On the scheduled Saturday, business was very good. But, by two
o'clock the sky clouded, the rain poured, and there were hardly any
customers. Finally, one of the singers had an idea.

She printed a very large poster with the words:

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0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble as he'd forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was extremely upset.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

All Out of Anaesthetic

A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.

He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

It all happened in an instant.

The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"

hUMOR For Feb 23rd

"The government is now going to hand out rebate checks to

try to restore confidence in the U.S. economy. The bad news

is, half the people want the money in euros, and half want

the money in pesos." -Jay Leno

***

"It's National Pancake Day! To celebrate, the International

House of Pancakes is giving away pancakes until 10 p.m. I

went earlier but someone had eaten all the pancakes. Damn

you, Drew Carey!" -Craig Ferguson

***

"Exciting news from the Norwegian University of Science and

Technology. The Norwegians released a study today that says

having a sense of humor can help people live longer. In other

words, if you don't laugh at this monologue tonight, you're

going to die." -Jimmy Kimmel

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of

financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to

see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized

our marriage. "With this ring..." I began romantically.

"We could pay off Visa," he responded.

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For our honeymoon my fiancee and I chose a fashionable hotel

known for its luxurious suites. When I called to make reser-

vations, the desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a special

occasion?"

"Yes," I replied." It's our honeymoon."

"And how many adults will there be?" she asked.

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Love Quote

"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved."

-George Sand

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

he newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

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Tomato Story

A Jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

'You are employed' he said. Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the
application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.

The man replied 'But I don't have a computer, neither an email'.

'I'm sorry', said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you
do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.'

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in
his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato
crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours,
he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times,
and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday
earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of
delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied,'I don't have an email.'
The broker answered curiously, 'You don't have an email, and yet have
succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you
had an e mail?!!' The man thought for a while and replied, 'Yes, I'd be an
office boy at Microsoft!'
Moral of the story

Moral 1
Internet is not the solution to your life.

Moral 2
If you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

Moral 3
If you received this message by email,
you are closer to being a office boy/girl,than a millionaire..........

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Missing Bar Code

I was checking out at the local grocery store with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed together.

After the cashier had scanned all of my items, he picked up the "Divider" looked it all over for the bar code so he could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, he said to me "Do you know how much this is?"

I said to him, "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."

He said "OK" and I paid him for the things and left.

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The End is Near"

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

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CleanQuote

"Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave."
- Martin Luther

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Illustration - "Romance"

"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on Valentines Day.

"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.

"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Stereograms

It may sound like someone has mailed you a new stereo system, but a stereogram is actually a 3 dimensional image you can see if you relax your eyes a certain way. The first time I ever saw one of these was when I lived in Toronto. I was walking along in the Sherway Centre and saw some art hanging in the window of one of those stores that features unique educational games and oddities. All the picture looked like was a hanging of scribbles, but it was titled "Space Shuttle." Next to it was a similar one called "Wolves." I thought for sure someone had flipped their mind, but then I'm not that art minded so I figured "whatever." It wasn't until later on when someone gave me a book of stereograms that I realized it wasn't some kind of modern art that had me mystified in the mall. I hesitate to present these here because inevitably someone will give up trying to see the "hidden" image and accuse me of messing with their minds. I merely want to mess with your eyes.

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Redneck Church

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the

purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows

how to play one.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether

the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to

catch 'em.

When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up

the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official

church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his

4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole

it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last

names in the church directory.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift

something too heavy.

hUMOR ForFeb 22nd

Napoleon's Wife

A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem."

"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power – everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."

"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"

"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."

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"Winter in Minnesota"

It's winter in Minnesota
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour
At 52 below!

Oh, how I love Minnesota
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Minnesota,
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.

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Oneliner

"The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money." - David Richerby

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CleanPun - "Stocking Purchase"

Walking into a lingerie store, a customer says to the clerk, "I'd like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife."

The clerk asks, "Sheer?"

The man replies "No. She's in another store."

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Cupcake Container

I don't know about you, but there is not much I find more embarrassing than to break for lunch after a high stakes business meeting only to exhibit weakness by pulling a smushed cupcake out of my lunch bag. It can be a deal breaker for sure. Or just imagine the poor guy who has a beautiful picnic planned for the girl of his dreams. The plan? Why, to enjoy a wonderful lunch in the shade of a beautiful oak tree, then set dessert out and then pop the question! He asks romantically, she looks at the ring and then down at the squashed cupcakes waiting on the styrofoam plate and shakes her head an incredulous no. Surely this cannot be the father of her children. Messed up cupcakes - the bain of the civilized world. Who knows what new planets we could have conquered long ago if only the dilemma of transporting them without messing up their sprinkles could be solved. Take heart, the cupcake container is here. Mars, here we come!

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”Natural Cure”

While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.

When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural antibiotic.

I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."

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Menu Planning Tip to Reduce Stress

I have changed my system for labelling homemade freezer meals. I used
to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast"
or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

However, I used to get very frustrated when I asked my husband what
he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things.
So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels.
You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that say: "Whatever,"
"Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or
"Food." My frustration is reduced because no matter what my husband
replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it will
be there waiting.

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Physicist on Valentine's Day

Every Friday after work, a physicist goes down to the ice

cream parlor, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the

last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl, who isn't there,

if he can buy her an ice cream cone. The owner, who is used

to the weird local university types, always shrugs but keeps

quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the physicist

makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space,

curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "I apologize

for my stupid question, but surely you know there is NEVER a

woman sitting in that last stool, man. Why do you persist in

offering ice cream to an empty space?"

The physicist replies, "Well, according to quantum physics,

empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come

into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when

the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might

suddenly appear there."

The owner raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But

couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every

Friday if you could buy HER a cone? Never know -- she might

say yes."

The physicist laughs. "Yeah, right. How likely is THAT to

happen?"

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Things to Ponder

- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

- If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do," is the longest sentence?

- When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say

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Deer Hunting

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

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Matches

You are in a steel room with no windows, doors or openings. All you have is a matchbook...how do you get out?

Answer: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Three...Your Out!

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Tings You Can Learn From Your Dog

- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

- When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.

- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

- Take naps and stretch before rising.

- Run, romp, and play daily.

- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

- Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.

- On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

- On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

- No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.

- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

- Be loyal.

- Never pretend to be something you're not.

- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.