hUMOR For Feb 24th

Grandma and God

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

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A Fishing Lure

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" The Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son,” said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir,” replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

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Soap Thief

Q: What kind of person steals soap?

A: A dirty crook

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T-Shirts in the Star Wars Universe

- "My Mom (and/or Dad) fought at the Battle of (Yavin/Hoth/Endor) and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"

- "Have you hugged a wookie today?"

- "I'm with stupid" (With arrow pointing to Jabba)

- "My astromech went to the Death Star and all I got were the lousy Technical Schematics"

- "Emperor's slugs need love too"

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"This week a man in Florida was arrested for hitting the

manager of a Taco Bell in the face with a bag full of

Tacos. Afterwards, the Taco Bell manager said, 'It's weird,

my tacos usually don't attack me until I'm in the bathroom.'"

-Conan O'Brien

***

"Westminster Dog Show is the granddaddy of them all. It is

the Oscars of dog shows. It's just like the Oscars, except

the speeches are shorter and slightly less butt-sniffing."

-Craig Ferguson

***

"How about that Mitt Romney? I'm going to miss him. He's

like the archaeologist who ignored the curse of the mummy's

tomb." -David Letterman

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Over dinner, Jill said to John, "I met this horrible and

rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he

was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really

bad language; he even threatened me!"

"How did you meet this fellow?" John asked, very concerned.

Jill said, "Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car."

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A friend went to her doctor the other day, and the man was

not very sympathetic with her aches and pains. "You'll just

have to learn to live it," he said.

When she got her bill for $90, she sent it back, with the

notation, "You'll just have to learn to live without it!"

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Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

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The True Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader, called Abraham of Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot of Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called, 'Amazon Dot Com'.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband;
'Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?'

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddlebags short of a camel load, but simply said: 'How, dear?'

And Dot replied:
'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).'

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did hide himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: 'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.'
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known 'eBay' he said, 'We need a name that reflects what we are.'

And Dot replied:
'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.'
'YAHOO!' said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

Al Gore had absolutely nothing to do with it.

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Shaving Technique

A man enters a Barber Shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

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Car Wash

A church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money for a special trip.

They made a large sign that read: CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP.

On the scheduled Saturday, business was very good. But, by two
o'clock the sky clouded, the rain poured, and there were hardly any
customers. Finally, one of the singers had an idea.

She printed a very large poster with the words:

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0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble as he'd forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was extremely upset.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and, sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

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All Out of Anaesthetic

A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.

He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

It all happened in an instant.

The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"

hUMOR For Feb 23rd

"The government is now going to hand out rebate checks to

try to restore confidence in the U.S. economy. The bad news

is, half the people want the money in euros, and half want

the money in pesos." -Jay Leno

***

"It's National Pancake Day! To celebrate, the International

House of Pancakes is giving away pancakes until 10 p.m. I

went earlier but someone had eaten all the pancakes. Damn

you, Drew Carey!" -Craig Ferguson

***

"Exciting news from the Norwegian University of Science and

Technology. The Norwegians released a study today that says

having a sense of humor can help people live longer. In other

words, if you don't laugh at this monologue tonight, you're

going to die." -Jimmy Kimmel

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My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of

financial difficulties. So one evening I was touched to

see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized

our marriage. "With this ring..." I began romantically.

"We could pay off Visa," he responded.

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For our honeymoon my fiancee and I chose a fashionable hotel

known for its luxurious suites. When I called to make reser-

vations, the desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a special

occasion?"

"Yes," I replied." It's our honeymoon."

"And how many adults will there be?" she asked.

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Love Quote

"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved."

-George Sand

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he newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

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Tomato Story

A Jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

'You are employed' he said. Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the
application to fill in, as well as date when you may start.

The man replied 'But I don't have a computer, neither an email'.

'I'm sorry', said the HR manager. If you don't have an email, that means you
do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job.'

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in
his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato
crate.
He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours,
he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times,
and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday
earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of
delivery vehicles.

5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded the broker asked him his email.
The man replied,'I don't have an email.'
The broker answered curiously, 'You don't have an email, and yet have
succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you
had an e mail?!!' The man thought for a while and replied, 'Yes, I'd be an
office boy at Microsoft!'
Moral of the story

Moral 1
Internet is not the solution to your life.

Moral 2
If you don't have Internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

Moral 3
If you received this message by email,
you are closer to being a office boy/girl,than a millionaire..........

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Missing Bar Code

I was checking out at the local grocery store with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed together.

After the cashier had scanned all of my items, he picked up the "Divider" looked it all over for the bar code so he could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, he said to me "Do you know how much this is?"

I said to him, "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."

He said "OK" and I paid him for the things and left.

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The End is Near"

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

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CleanQuote

"Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave."
- Martin Luther

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Illustration - "Romance"

"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on Valentines Day.

"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.

"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"

"Mmm hmm."

"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"

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Stereograms

It may sound like someone has mailed you a new stereo system, but a stereogram is actually a 3 dimensional image you can see if you relax your eyes a certain way. The first time I ever saw one of these was when I lived in Toronto. I was walking along in the Sherway Centre and saw some art hanging in the window of one of those stores that features unique educational games and oddities. All the picture looked like was a hanging of scribbles, but it was titled "Space Shuttle." Next to it was a similar one called "Wolves." I thought for sure someone had flipped their mind, but then I'm not that art minded so I figured "whatever." It wasn't until later on when someone gave me a book of stereograms that I realized it wasn't some kind of modern art that had me mystified in the mall. I hesitate to present these here because inevitably someone will give up trying to see the "hidden" image and accuse me of messing with their minds. I merely want to mess with your eyes.

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Redneck Church

You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the

purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows

how to play one.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether

the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to

catch 'em.

When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up

the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official

church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his

4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole

it couldn't get out of." (Love it!)

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last

names in the church directory.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift

something too heavy.

hUMOR ForFeb 22nd

Napoleon's Wife

A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem."

"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power – everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."

"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"

"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."

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"Winter in Minnesota"

It's winter in Minnesota
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour
At 52 below!

Oh, how I love Minnesota
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave Minnesota,
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.

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Oneliner

"The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money." - David Richerby

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CleanPun - "Stocking Purchase"

Walking into a lingerie store, a customer says to the clerk, "I'd like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife."

The clerk asks, "Sheer?"

The man replies "No. She's in another store."

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Cupcake Container

I don't know about you, but there is not much I find more embarrassing than to break for lunch after a high stakes business meeting only to exhibit weakness by pulling a smushed cupcake out of my lunch bag. It can be a deal breaker for sure. Or just imagine the poor guy who has a beautiful picnic planned for the girl of his dreams. The plan? Why, to enjoy a wonderful lunch in the shade of a beautiful oak tree, then set dessert out and then pop the question! He asks romantically, she looks at the ring and then down at the squashed cupcakes waiting on the styrofoam plate and shakes her head an incredulous no. Surely this cannot be the father of her children. Messed up cupcakes - the bain of the civilized world. Who knows what new planets we could have conquered long ago if only the dilemma of transporting them without messing up their sprinkles could be solved. Take heart, the cupcake container is here. Mars, here we come!

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”Natural Cure”

While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.

When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural antibiotic.

I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."

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Menu Planning Tip to Reduce Stress

I have changed my system for labelling homemade freezer meals. I used
to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast"
or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

However, I used to get very frustrated when I asked my husband what
he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things.
So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels.
You'll find dinners with neat, legible tags that say: "Whatever,"
"Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or
"Food." My frustration is reduced because no matter what my husband
replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it will
be there waiting.

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Physicist on Valentine's Day

Every Friday after work, a physicist goes down to the ice

cream parlor, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the

last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl, who isn't there,

if he can buy her an ice cream cone. The owner, who is used

to the weird local university types, always shrugs but keeps

quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the physicist

makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space,

curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "I apologize

for my stupid question, but surely you know there is NEVER a

woman sitting in that last stool, man. Why do you persist in

offering ice cream to an empty space?"

The physicist replies, "Well, according to quantum physics,

empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come

into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when

the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might

suddenly appear there."

The owner raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But

couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every

Friday if you could buy HER a cone? Never know -- she might

say yes."

The physicist laughs. "Yeah, right. How likely is THAT to

happen?"

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Things to Ponder

- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

- If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do," is the longest sentence?

- When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say

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Deer Hunting

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

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Matches

You are in a steel room with no windows, doors or openings. All you have is a matchbook...how do you get out?

Answer: Strike One! Strike Two! Strike Three...Your Out!

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Tings You Can Learn From Your Dog

- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

- When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.

- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

- Take naps and stretch before rising.

- Run, romp, and play daily.

- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

- Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.

- On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

- On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

- No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.

- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.

- Be loyal.

- Never pretend to be something you're not.

- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

hUMOR For Feb 21st

THE OLD GOLFER

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."

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"A new government study has found that the average American

car weighs five-hundred pounds more than it did ten years

ago. However, this is only true if an average American is

sitting in the car." --Conan O'Brien

***

"Although a lot of people are on these low-carb diets,

doctors say be careful, because you need carbohydrates

because carbohydrates create a chemical in your brain that

cheers you up and fights depression. So the next time you

see a guy on a ledge, about to jump... throw him a dough-

nut." --Jay Leno

***

"This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know

you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your

group is Arnold Schwarzenegger." --Jimmy Kimmel

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I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly

dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her

white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with

a napkin.

Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains,

I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?"

"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've

had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"

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One day a mother was out and the dad was in charge. The

little one was maybe one and a half years old. Someone had

given her a little tea set as a gift and it was one ofher

favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news

when she brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was

just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy

tea, Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room

to watch the toddler bring him a cup of tea, because it was

'just the cutest thing!'

Mom waited, and sure enough, here comes baby down the hall

with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it

up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place

that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?'

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Valentine's Day Oneliners

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

Hogs and kisses!

What would you get if you crossed Odie with the god of love?

A stupid cupid!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?

It was Valenswine's Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?

"I'm sweet on you!"

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?

"I find you very attractive."

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?

A hug and a quiche!

What would you call a woman who goes out with Jon?

Desperate!

What did one pickle say to the other?

"You mean a great dill to me."

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Olive.

Olive who?

Olive you!

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?

"I love you a ton!"

What did the bat say to his girlfriend?

"You're fun to hang around with."

Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?

He fell in love with a pincushion!

What did the pencil say to the paper?

"I dot my i's on you!"

Liz: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."

Jon: "Really?"

Liz: "Yeah, you make me sick!"

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?

She didn't suit his taste!

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Did They Really Mean That?

The following are actual newspaper headlines:

- March Planned For Next August

- L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide

- Patient at Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through

- Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

- President Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

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God and the Scientist

God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him,

"God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

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Accident

There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.

The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.

Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.

They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."

The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

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What Kind of Tracks

Two boys go out on a walk. One looks down and said, "look at those, those are deer tracks my dad told me about them."

The second boy says no those are elk tracks, my dad told me about them. Then the first boy says, "No those are deer tracks."

The second boy says, "NO those are elk tracks."

One hour later they were run over by a train.

hUMOR For Feb 20th

Pet Fish
Fishin' with city slickers - a flash in the pan!

Bubba was stopped by a game Warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game Warden asked Bubba, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
“Naw, sir”, replied Bubba. “I ain't got no fishin' license. But you gotta understand something - these fish here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?”

“Yeah. Every night, I takes these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jumps right back into the ice chest here and I takes 'em home.”

“That's a bunch of horse crap! Fish can't do that.”

Bubba looked at the game Warden intently for a moment and then said, “I swear it's the truth, Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.”

“O.K.,” said the Warden. “I've got to see this!”

Bubba poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the Warden said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” asked Bubba.

The Warden asked, “When are you going to call them back?”

“Call who back?”

“The FISH!' yelled the Warden!”

“What fish?” asked Bubba.

Moral of the story: We may not all be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't all as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want to about the South, but you ain't never heard of anyone retiring and moving up North...

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Pregnant Fireman
Little Johnny's a ladder day saint?
Fire-ing on all cylinders

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said the teacher.

Little Johnny replied, “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don't you know what pregnant means?” she asked.

“Sure,” said Little Johnny confidently. “It means carrying a child.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

My Brother Vern

Vern was driving to work, his teaching job he never works, when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passers by pulled him from the wreck and revived him.

Vern began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics.

Later, when Vern was calm, they asked him why he struggled so.

Vern said, "I remembered the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

My son, Bunyan, is a construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a

scaffold, managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the scaffold

on the way down. He received only minor scratches.

Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working. The he

noticed his co-workers holding up hastily made signs reading 9.6, 9.8 and

9.4.

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A friend of mine found a way to reduce the high costs of parking tickets at

the University. He discovered that when in a pinch for a parking space, the

fine for parking on the grass is much less than parking in faculty parking.

He also found that he could "re-use" a ticket by putting it back under his

windshield the next time he parked.

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"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy

something." - Jackie Mason

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

The next time Dan dials my phone number he’ll get the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but Thank You for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes. "
******************************************************
Just one in life, Dan aspires to perspire before he expires.
******************************************I
Dan’s wife and he had words, but she didn't get to use hers.
*******************************************************
Dan gets frustrated trying to find his glasses without his glasses.
********************************************************
Blessed is the Dan who can take without remembering, and give without forgetting.
*********************************************************
The irony of life is that, by the time Dan was old enough to know his way around, he was to disabled to gong anywhere.

********************************************************
God made Dan before woman so he would have time to think of an answer for her first question.
**********************************************************
For Dan every morning is the dawn of a new error.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

A Redneck Valentine...

Collards is green,

my dog's name is Blue

and I'm so lucky

to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk

a-flapping in the breeze.

Softer than Blue's

and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,

which excite me in May.

You ain't got no scales

but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry

jist a-fry'n in the pan.

Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"

right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,

for which I am proud;

I hold my head high

when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,

when you shave under yore arms,

well, I'm in hawg heaven,

and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,

they all want to know,

what I did to deserve

such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape

yo're there fer yore man,

to patch up life's troubles

and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug

a-buzzin' overhead.

You ain't mean like those far ants

I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth

like a plaid flannel shirt,

you spark up my life

more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight

like a padded gunrack,

my life is complete;

Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,

like the best vinyl sidin'.

despite all the years,

yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie

with a RC cold drank,

we go together

like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate

for Valentine's Day;

They git it at Wal-Mart,

it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses

on that special day

from the cooler at Kroger.

"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds

from a flea market booth.

"Diamonds are forever,"

they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,

these won't do.

Cause yor'e too special,

you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,

without taste nor odor,

more useful than diamonds...

IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

Luv, from yor romeo

anon.