hUMOR For Feb 14th

Wrong Pants

Teacher: Vernie, if you put your hand in one pants pocket and found 75 cents, then you put your other hand in your other pants pocket and found 50 cents, what would you have?

Vernie: I'd have somebody else's pants on!

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New Twins

Eve: "Did you hear the latest about Jane Simmons who lives over on the next block? "

Sheli: " No, what about her?"

Eve: "She had triplets. Then not two weeks later, she had twins."

Sheli: "That's Impossible.! How did it happen?"

Eve: "One of the triplets got lost."

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Little League Parents

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his

young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What

a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is that we play

together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or

you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the

umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to

your parents."

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Birds and Bees"

Donald Ogden Stewart, the writer, had a son away at prep school. When the boy reached the age of fourteen, Stewart wrote him the following letter:

"Dear son, now that you have reached the magic age of fourteen, the time has come to tell you about the bees and flowers. There is a male and a female bee, although I haven't the slightest idea which is which. As for the flowers, we get ours from the Plaza Florist, Inc. Well, that takes care of that.

Write soon,

Affectionately,

Father

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CleanQuote

"Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: If you're alive, it isn't."
- Richard Bach

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Illustration - "God's Will"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A young man asked his father following the Church service “Dad, is God going to die?”

“Of course not, God can’t die” replied his father, “why do you ask?”

The son answered, “The Pastor kept saying that God’s will was being done.”

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Rabbits

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

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Politics Explained as Cows

SOCIALISM You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.

BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.

CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

CORPORATE You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.

DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.

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Wisdom of the Workplace

- Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

- Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

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Mottos to Work By

- Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

- If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

- Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

- Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

- A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

- Plagiarism saves time.

- If at first you don't succeed, try management.

- Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

- TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

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"A German airline is offering nude flights. What a tremendous

idea. How many times have you been on a flight and looked

around and said, 'Gee, if only I could see these people

naked.'" -David Letterman

***

"A state senator in Florida wants to outlaw the term 'illegal

alien' because it's insensitive. They want to go with the

more politically correct term, 'WalMart-ian.'" -Jay Leno

***

"I was reading about this self help book, 'The Secret,'

written by an Australian reality producer. One fan of the

book said it stopped her panic attacks and doubled her

acupuncture business. I'm thinking, 'Who's going to go see

a panicky acupuncturist?'" -Craig Ferguson

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We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical

audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled

diagnosis: "This man has pholenfrometry."

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she

double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the

tape, he shook his head.

"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from

a tree."

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I knew I had been in the military too long when my five-year-

old daughter sang her version of "Silent Night." It went like

this: "Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright,

Round yon virgin mother and child, Holy infantry, tender and

mild..."

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New Offices

My husband works in a former supermarket that was remodeled

to accommodate professional offices.

One day he overheard his receptionist giving directions over

the phone. "Remember the old grocery store?" she asked the

caller. "Well, you'll find us in the meat department."

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Gift Disappointment

The rich aunt was disappointed and said to her nephew, "I'm sorry you
don't like your gift. I asked you if you preferred a large check or a
small check."

"I know, Auntie," the nephew said contritely, "but I didn't know you
were talking about neckties."

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Strange Facts

"About 300 million cells die in your body every minute."

hUMOR For Feb 11th

The Three Laws of Secure Computing

1) Don't buy a computer.

2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.

3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

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Cliches

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The bartender turns to them, takes one look, and says "What is this - some kind of a joke?"

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College students, at the end of a course, are often asked to fill out a

short questionnaire to evaluate the course on such things as the instructor,

text, and so forth. Here are some collected comments:

What's the quality of the text?

*Text is printed on high quality paper."

*Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

*Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."

*Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of English should

proofread it."

*I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the CDs that I used

while doing the problem sets.

Describe the Professor. Does he/she stimulate learning?

*He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high.

*Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!

*His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame.

*This instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you

where to go, but you can never understand him.

*Recitations were great. It was so confusing that I forgot who

*I was, where I was, and what I was doing - it's a great stress reliever.

*I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got

a cool nest in the tree.

*Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all

directions - no way to stop it.

Was the class worthwhile to you? Did it cover all the material?

*The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree.

*Hard to say. Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another?

That's the way I felt all term.

*Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material.

*The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered on

the final exam.

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A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving just outside of town,

when they get a flat tire. The three of them get out of the car and scratch

their heads.

The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I

know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great

deal."

The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do

some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature,

and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tire

you should buy."

The technician laughs and shakes his head. "No, no, no! What's wrong with

you guys? We have a spare tire in the trunk. Now all we have to do is start

swapping tires until we find the flat one."

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Backing the car out of the driveway will cause a child to have to go to the

bathroom.

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"Shopping Bags"

It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.

"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"

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CleanQuote

"Men take only their needs into consideration, never their abilities."
- Napoleon Bonaparte

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"Answered Prayer"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle. and He just then did!"

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Waiting for the Bus

A person was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. Unable to locate the Capitol building, the person asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the person is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The person replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

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Hiccups Cure

Vern goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

"What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

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Three Wishes

Three men, an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."

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Three Wishes

Three men, an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the editor, "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours."

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A Primer For Accordion Beginners

Get an accordion. The cheaper the better because they all sound the same.

Do not tell anyone what you have done. It will only cause them to worry.

They will find out soon enough.

Take the accordion out of the case and strap it on. It is better if the

accordion rests on your chest instead of your back but, for the first few

weeks, it doesn't really make that much difference.

For sounds to be produced, three things must happen. The third is the most

important:

1. The bellows must be moving in or out.

2. One or more of the keys or buttons must be pressed.

3. All potential weapons within a one mile radius must be collected and

secured.

The buttons on the left side are chord buttons. The "C" button has a dimple

or nipple so you can find it without looking. This is a safety feature.

Before it was invented, thousands of accordion players suffered painful and

sometimes disabling injuries, much to the delight of the general public.

Never use more than three buttons. "Professional" accordionists appear to be

using lots of buttons but they are actually just desperately trying to find

the damned "C".

By the way, "Professional" means they have learned to smile while they do

it.

Play the black and white keys. The high notes are at the bottom and the low

notes are at the top. That arrangement isn't supposed to make any sense.

Accept it.

Note: If you find the high notes at the top and the low notes at the bottom,

you have either put the accordion on upside down or you have tried to repair

it yourself. If the former, turn the accordion over. If the latter, pack

your accordion up with hundreds of dollars and mail it far away for a long,

long time.

Continue playing until someone begs you to stop or threatens your life,

whichever comes first.

Put the accordion back in its case, order an accordion t-shirt and wear it

to your state's Accordion Fest

hUMOR For Feb 10th

Door Signs

Vern checked into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"

The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

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A Great Cup of Tea

This is taken from the Dr. James Dobson Bulletin for June

1998.

Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful,

but it makes your life more complicated?

I heard a story about a mother who was sick with the flu.

Her darling daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed

the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read.

And then she showed up with a cup of tea.

"You're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the

tea. "I didn't know you could make tea."

"Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in

the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained

it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the

flyswatter."

"You what?"

And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, Mom. I didn't

use the new flyswatter. I used the old one."

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It has been scientifically proven that 40% of the population doesn't care

what the other 60% are doing.

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Medicine


Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out
looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four
weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we
can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have
both of them out looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way
behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, and no heart, put
her in the White House .....
and then half the country will be out looking for work."

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The Macarena

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the warden had given the formal speech, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

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Strange Fact

"The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth"

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"Stolen Turkey"

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

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Oneliner

"Kissing - A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other."

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CleanPun - "Frisbees"

The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees get bigger and bigger the closer they get.

Then it hit me.

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”Walking Home From Church”

Vernie was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said little Vernie. "Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little Vernie.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.

"I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?" asked little Vernie.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the RLDS church back at the top of the hill," replied the little Vernie.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little Vernie.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

"That's a good idea,"replied the little Vernie. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little Vernie finally remarked ...

"You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a BAPTISTand a RLDS member!!!

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Miracle Diet

An overweight clerk consulted the doctor for advice. The doctor advised that the clerk run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would burn off as much as twenty pounds.

The clerk follows the doctor's advice and, after thirty days, was pleased to note a loss of twenty pounds.

The clerk phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, there was one last question:

"How do I get home, since I'm now 300 miles away?"

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I love this one, a real classic:

Cup Holder

Caller: Hello, is this the Help Line?

HelpLine: Yes, it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?

HelpLine: I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?

Caller: Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer.

HelpLine: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it.

At this point the HelpLine operator realized that the caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

hUMOR For Feb 9th

The pharmacist filled the prescription and handed the nearly-deaf old man

the bottle of pills saying, "That'll be $16.50."

Just then the drug store phone rang and the pharmacist answered. As he did,

the old man placed 50 cents on the counter and walked out of the store with

his prescription.

The clerk realized the mistake and shouted but the old man did not hear and

kept walking. When the pharmacist finished his call the clerk explained

what had happened.

The pharmacist scooped up the 50 cents and put it in the cash register

saying to the clerk, "Oh well, 30 cents profit is better than nothing."

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A remote-controlled advertising blimp touting a Ford/Toyota dealership in

Salisbury, N.C., was flying over a vacant lot when a man in a black

Chevrolet pickup drove up, got out, and shot at it with a shotgun, causing

$10,000 in damage.

A witness wrote down the truck's license number. Police say it's registered

to a nearby Chevrolet dealer.

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I used to be up the creek without a paddle. Now, I'm down the information

highway without a modem.

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Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!
• And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
• Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.
• Uh-oh.
• I don't know where that came from! Just put it over there.
• Better crank up that anesthesia.
• I don't think that was supposed to come off.
• Gonna have to stop here, his insurance won't pay for the rest.
• Well, it's five o'clock! We'll just put this off till tomorrow.
• Hey... ...maybe the janitor knows what this is.

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Walmart Greeter

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't

seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10,

sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really

tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the

company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person

Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal

with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do

a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite

bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to

hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're

retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came

in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this

morning, sir?'"

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Grandpa's Driving

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the
horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say, 'Idiot!' afterwards."

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"Some insurance companies won't pay for Viagra unless men

can prove that they're impotent. Which means that you are

at a disadvantage if you have a really hot pharmacist."

-Conan O'Brien

***

"Congratulations to the new Miss Universe. It's Miss Puerto

Rico. Is it just me or does it seem like the winner is always

from earth?" -Dave Letterman

***

"I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on

top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round,

and I gave her a burrito." -Mitch Hedberg

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Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in

rural Minnesota, so highway workers barely took notice when

a woman drove past their sign and over the hill to the

trench they had dug in the middle of the road. The workers

explained the detour route to town, and she went on her way.

They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming

toward them from town a couple of hours later. "Oh," she

said distractedly as she again pulled up next to the trench

crew. "Is it closed in this direction too?"

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On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted

several historical points of interest. The children were

especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game

"Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships

the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to

look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt.

Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my

daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen

always die."

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Clean Breakfast

This morning my dad gave me soap flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast.

I bet you were mad.

Mad? I was foaming at the mouth!

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The Tearful Bride

A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

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Vern's Computer Tricks

Computer manufacturers are considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

- A technician received a call from Vern complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.

- Vern was asked to send a copy of his defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from Vern along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.

- A technician advised Vern to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. Vern put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.

- Vern called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.

- An exasperated Vern to Tech Support couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked Vern what happened when he pushed the power button. His response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

- Vern called Tech Support to say his brand-new computer wouldn't work. He said he unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

hUMOR For Feb 8th

Walmart Greeter

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't

seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10,

sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really

tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the

company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person

Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal

with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do

a bang on job, but your being late so often is quite

bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to

hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're

retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came

in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this

morning, sir?'"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Cow Poke

On vacation one year I went to a resort in Wyoming. As part of the usual activities, a neighboring ranch invited guests from our resort to participate in a cattle drive. After watching 20 make-believe cowpokes whooping and hollering, I rode up to the ranch owner and asked her how many cowboys it normally takes to drive a herd of that size.

"One," she replied.

"One?!" I said incredulously.

"And a dog," she added.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Strange Fact

"The average person laughs 13 times a day!" - Can you laugh more?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

God’s Left Hand

Little Vernie was spending the weekend with his grandmother. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked... "doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Vernie, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Marriage is a relationship in which one person

is always right, and the other is a husband.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Memory Improvement

I knew that as I was getting older, I was finally able to admit that
certain things were starting to "slip". In an effort to prevent this
memory "slippage", I went enthusiastically to a three-hour seminar on
memory improvement.

After an hour I slipped out. I took the same course, given by the
same professor, last year.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL

CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm

not afraid of small children." -Jonathan Katz

***

"I hate waking up every morning to my alarm. I always bang

my head on the steering wheel." --Scott Wood

***

"Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half

full, I say, are you going to drink that?" -Lisa Claymen

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

While working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult

assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One

day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old

Lizzie her shot.

"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."

At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO,

THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

One woman was talking to her friend, "You should listen to

my neighbor," she says. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor

husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me!

My husband is fat, lazy and cheap; but have you ever heard

me say a bad word about about him?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Got Any Grapes

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartenders says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Purple Monkey

A man walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Don't touch the purple monkey up in room 222." The man sneered and went straight up to room 222 and opened the door. There sitting right in front of him was a purple monkey.

The man laughed again and touched the monkey. He then started down the stairs...the monkey was following him. The man went outside and got into his jeep. The monkey got in the back seat. The man ignored him.

Later the man drove to the Eiffel Tower. The man got out of the car and the monkey followed. Later the man finally reached the top, but the monkey was right behind him.

The man just burst and yelled, "What do you want!"

The monkey came up to him and said, "Tag...you're it.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

You Know You're Growing Older When

- Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.

- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

- You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.

- You get winded playing chess.

- Your children begin to look middle-aged.

- You join a health club and don't go.

- You begin to outlive enthusiasm.

- Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

- You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.

- You stop looking forward to your next birthday.

- Dialing long distance wears you out.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Batmobile

What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?

"Robin get into the Batmobile."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Vacuum Salesman

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to

the first house in his new territory. He knocks, and a

really mean, tough-looking lady opens the door. Before she

has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps

garden soil all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders

cleaning this up, I'll eat every bit of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on

that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the

electricity turned on yet."