hUMOR For Jan 13th

Vern went to a psychiatrist.
"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"


"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Dan.

Six months later the doctor met Dan on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now.

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Murphey's Laws Of Computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

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Computer Airliner

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

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Sherlock

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

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CD Player

While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of the technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"

"That means", he said, "that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music." "In other words this CD player plays CDs." "Exactly."

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Bobbie Knight, after his team had been sent home from the tournament, began

considering his career, his future, and, as his thoughts turned that

direction, the afterlife. So he contacted his local minister to discuss the

issue. "Reverend, will I be able to coach basketball in Heaven?" he

inquired.

Now, of course, his minister didn't want to give a glib answer, so he told

Bobby that he wanted to pray for a while and ask for some divine inspiration

before responding to his question.

After a week of prayer, the minister called the coach into his study, and

asked him to take a seat. "Bobbie," he said, "I have some good news for you,

and some bad news."

"What's the good news?", asked Coach Knight.

"Well, the good news is that yes, you will be able to coach basketball in

Heaven," replied the minister.

"And the bad news?" asked the coach.

"Well, Bob," responded the minister, "you'll be coaching the visiting team."

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A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing through the native quarter, and

was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a

Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.

As the service ended, the rabbi stood at the door greeting his congregation.

When our Brooklyn friend came up, the Chinese rabbi asked, "Are you Jewish?"

"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.

"Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."

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I can resist anything but temptation.

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"Patient Problem"

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth..."

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"Toyota is developing a car with a new device that will

automatically stop the car if the driver has had too much

to drink. The device is called oncoming traffic."

--Conan O'Brien

***

"U.S. officials have now approved the first anti-obesity

drug for dogs. I'm no veterinarian, but if your dog is

over eating, try putting a little less food in the bowl.

Do we really need to give him a pill? Is the dog taking

your car keys and driving to McDonalds?" --Jay Leno

***

"How about this? On this very day in 1861, the first

elevator was introduced here in New York City. First

elevator ever in New York City, or, as we call them now,

restrooms. And it took them ten more years to develop

the 'ding.'" --Dave Letterman

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One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor

feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the

following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch

about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down,

I called the fire department.

"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When

I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come

down when it gets hungry enough."

How do you know that?" I asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

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During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs,

a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb.

When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer

pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him.

"Does your dog have a license?" he asked.

"Oh, no," the man said, "He doesn't need one; I always do

the driving."

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Free Stuff

Stop complaining - Anything you get for free is worth exactly what you pay for it.

hUMOR For Jan 12th

CleanPun - "Meritrix"

Once Horace Gold went too far. He rejected a story of mine which he called "meretricious." The word is from the Latin meretrix, meaning "prostitute," so that the implication was that I was prostituting my talent and was writing a bad story that would get by on my name alone because I was too lazy to write a good one. (This was not true, by the way. This particular story was sold elsewhere and received considerable acclaim.)

Swallowing my annoyance, I said mildly, "What was that word you used?"

Obviously proud at knowing a word he felt I didn't know, Horace enunciated carefully, "Meretricious!"

Whereupon I said, "And a Happy New Year to you."

(By Isaac Asimov)

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”Mistakes”

After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing."

"Thank you," the visiting preacher replied.

"Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."

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Crisis

There can't be another crisis this week, my schedule is completely full.

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Bad Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.

It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man,that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt.

"This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break! Sure God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

The she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

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Regular or Premium

When the family car developed a slight knock, the wife asked her husband if he had bought regular or premium gas, but he couldn't remember.

"You probably got the cheaper gas," she said. "That could account for the engine running so rough."

"No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" he replied indignantly.

"Well, how much did it cost?" asked the wife.

"It cost the same as always," said the husband. "I bought the usual ten dollars worth."

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Rabbit Humor

What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hair line.

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This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are

bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned. So he goes

to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that

he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for

several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his

hair fall out permanently. Several months later the guy's eyes are still

bulging and his ears are still protruding, more so now that his hair is

gone. So this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has

a liver problems and that they will have to remove part of his liver. So the

guy has the surgery only to find out months later, his eyes are still

bulging and his ears are still protruding.

Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who

tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his

ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his

hands amputated. Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated.

Months later, the man still has the problem. He goes to another specialist

who informs him that the cause is a rare blood disease and that the man only

has a few months to live. The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves

that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up. So he goes out

to buy a brand new sports car, new furniture, and a new wardrobe. However,

when he went to order some custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a

17-inch neck.

"No, I've always taken a 15-inch neck."

"But sir, you have a 17-inch neck."

"Listen - I'm 45 years old, and for the past 30 years I've taken a 15-inch

neck."

"Okay, I'll do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?"

"What?"

"It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude."

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Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

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This is only for OLD GEEZERS and was apparently sent to me by mistake ... but I did think of you!

THINGS YOU DON'T HEAR ANYMORE... Be sure to refill the ice trays, we're going to have company after while. Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter to Aunt Mary in the mail today. Quit slamming the screen door when you are on your way out! Be sure and pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like a shower is coming up. Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed. Wash your feet before you go to bed, they are nasty from playing outside all day barefooted. Why can't you remember to roll up your pant legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up. You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on. Don't you go outside with your good school clothes on! Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night. Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle. Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one. Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it. Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit! Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him. You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off. There's a dollar in my purse, get 5 gallons of gas when you go to town. Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise. Don't sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes. If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out! Don't lose that button; I'll sew it back on after awhile. Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there. Get out from under the sewing machine; pumping it messes up the thread! Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark. Here, take this old magazine to the toilet with you when you go, we are almost out of paper out there. Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes. Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on. No! I don't have nine cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees? Eat those vegetables, they'll make you big and strong like your daddy. That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how cold it is out there, dogs just don't come in the house. Sit still! I'm trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all botched up. Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that! I'll wash your mouth out with soap! It is time for your system to be cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight. If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you'll get another one when you get home. Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way! Soak your foot in this pan of coal oil so that bad cut won't get infected. When you take your driving test, don't forget to signal each turn. Left arm straight out the window for a left turn; Left arm bent up at the elbow for a right turn; And straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop. It is: "Yes Ma'am!" and "No Ma'am!" to me, young man, and don't you forget it! Y'all come back now, ya hear!

hUMOR For Jan 11th

"President Bush will not concede that global warming may

have something to do with this crazy weather though he has

been conducting all official business wearing floaties."

--Jimmy Kimmel

***

"Yesterday President Bush spoke about his immigration bill.

And he said, this is a quote, 'The political process is two

steps forward, one step back.' Then Bush said, 'It's just

like the Hokey Pokey.'" -Conan O'Brien

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At the banquet of their 25th wedding anniversary Tom was

asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits

of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all

those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the

best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance,

meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many

other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed

single."

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Woman: "No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the

Trix because he was an adult rabbit, and Trix were only

supposed to be for kids."

Man: "Well, I always thought it was just because he was a

rabbit and not a person."

[A period of silence -- the woman looks down at her food.]

Man: "What's wrong?"

Woman: "I'm just really getting tired of you always being

wrong."

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Bear Chase

Two Dan & Vern are out in the Minnesota woods hiking.

All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.

The first Dan gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

Vern says, "What are you doing?"

Dan says, "I figure when the bear gets too close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it."

Vern says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear"!

The Dan says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."

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New Evidence

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case to be reopened, the lawyer argued: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."

Judge: "What new evidence could you have?"

Lawyer: "My client has an extra $10,000 and I just found out about it!"

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Program Managers

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.

"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."

The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.

The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.

The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."

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Jealousy

The guy approached a beautiful looking woman in a mall and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the mall. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

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Tax me until I'm poor. Wait! Too late.

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Dan was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.

As Dan was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot tall grizzly bear charge toward him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Dan looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant Dan cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You sometimes deny my existence for all these years, teach others everything is your brother Vern’s fault, and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?
Then Dan looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a true Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very Well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen

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Lost Phone

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an

appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice

that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I

had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality

of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going

to tell anybody about this!"

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Not Fit For Print

Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches. At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience.

Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles. One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed."

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"Better Preacher"

After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing."

"Thank you," the visiting preacher replied.

"Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."

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Oneliner

"Anytime you have a 50/50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."

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hUMOR For Jan 10th

"Happy Songs"

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

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Oneliner

Municipal golf course sign: "Please don't find lost balls until they stop rolling."

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"Bird Puns"

Some of these are pretty bad.

What birds spend all their time on their knees?
Birds of prey.

What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird.

Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a nest-cafe.

What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
Fowl play.

What language do birds speak?
Pigeon English.

What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A bird that will talk you ear off.

What happened when the owl lost his voice?
He didn't give a hoot.

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A great walkie-talkie.

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Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake up."

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Young Businessman

A young businessman had just started his own business. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it brilliantly decorated. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.

Wishing to appear busy, the young businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he was working a big deal. He was shouting huge figures and made giant commitments.

Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I'm here to install the phone!"

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Isn't It True?

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

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$100 Prayer

A little boy wanted $100 so badly that he prayed for two weeks. But nothing happened; so he decided to write God a letter asking for the money.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA", they decided to send it to the President. He was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill.

The little boy was delighted with the $5, and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read; "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money.

"However, I noticed that for some reason you had it sent through Washington, DC, and as usual, those guys deducted $95."

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Bikers

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three

Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette

into the old man's pie, and then he took a seat at the

counter.

The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old

man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.

The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old

man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the

diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the

waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either.

He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

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The rich aunt was hurt and said to her nephew, "I'm sorry you don't like

your gift. I asked you if you preferred a large check or a small check."

"I know, Auntie," the nephew said contritely, "but I didn't know you were

talking about neckties."

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The board of education in a nearby town sold off a building that had been a

one-room schoolhouse, which the buyer converted into a tavern.

One day an elderly man was walking by the place with his grandson. The old

man pointed to the building and said, "That's where I used to go to school."

"Really?" asked the boy. "Who was the bartender then?"

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Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up,

he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

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Thoughts on Exercise (to start the new year)

• I joined a health club last year, spent a lot of money on the membership, but haven't lost any weight. Apparently, you have to show up.

• If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.

• I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them

• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

• I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

• I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing

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Colosseum

A husband and wife, vacationing in Rome, were being shown through the
Colosseum.

"Now, this room," said the guide, "is where the slaves dressed to
fight the lions."

"But how does one dress to fight lions?" inquired the husband.

"Very slow-w-w-w-w-w-ly," replied the guide.

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"An 18 year-old woman was arrested after spending the past

eight months pretending to be a student at Stanford

university and living in their dorms, even though she was

not enrolled there. She pretended to be a student for eight

months. Hey, that's nothing. I pretended to be a student

for four years!" -Jay Leno

hUMOR For Jan 9th

My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to

explain what kind of work I do.

At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before

deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was

talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory

to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up

mainly? Chain-link?"

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Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed

him out for it. He apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done. "Honey," my

Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your

policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget what I've forgiven and

forgotten."

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"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can

learn no other way." - Mark Twain

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New Year's Dinner

As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual
conflict of which was more important - the football games on
television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with
the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant
after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn
on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even
bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and
asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third
quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

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Speeding

A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph!

The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?"

The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that."

The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?"

The man replied, "I don't have one officer."

"Of course you do," said the policeman.

"No sir, I don't," said the man.

"So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman.

"This is not my car, I stole it," said the man.

"You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman.

"Yes I'm afraid so sir,"

Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to."

The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun."

"Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic.

"So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!"

"Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk."

"WHAT!!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?"

"Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated.

"Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Don't move, don't even breathe."

So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!"

He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said.

"I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman.

"I'll be right there," said the chief.

In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine.

The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, may I see your drivers license?"

"Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket.

Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?"

"Yes," said the man.

"Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief.

The man leaned over to open the glove compartment.

"Please don't open it sir!" said the chief.

"Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration."

"I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there."

"Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy.

"Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment."

"Yes," said the man,

"And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief.

"BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?"

"Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers license, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk."

"The lying fool," said the man, "I'll bet he said I was speeding, too!"

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Move to Strike

A man in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are Bullies!"

A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I move to STRIKE!"

The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy responded "No, I'm a BULLY!"

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Tax Season

Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" the clerk asked.

"My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base."

"You shouldn't have to do this," the clerk told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."

"I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother."

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You Think Your Job's Bad?

Try one of these on for size!

-Nuclear Warhead Sensitivity Technician

-Circus Elephant Clean Up Specialist

-Rotten Sardine Taste Detector

-Assistant To The Boss's Nephew

-Shark Baiter

-Hurricane Photographer

-Director Of Public Relations, Chernobyl Nuclear Facility

-Prison Glee Club President

-Road Kill Removal Crew

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Jesus Is Watching

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yes," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of crazy people would name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.