hUMOR For Jan 5th

The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm

doing, someone else does.

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Annoying Other People

* Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

* Mow your lawn with scissors.

* At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

* Never make eye contact.

* Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

* Make appointments for the 31st of November.

* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

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Toothbrush Sales

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

They all said, “This tastes like MUD!" Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

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Only in America

- Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

- Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

- Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

- Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

- Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

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Lying Politician

A politician was running for re-election and was talking at a campaign stop to his constituents.

"My opponent has called me a liar. Rest assured, I have never lied to you. The only problem I have is that the facts don't always match up with what I believe."

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"Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good

resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them

as usual." -Mark Twain

***

"New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless,

of course, those tests come back positive" -Jay Leno

***

"Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank

where they have no account." -Oscar Wilde

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The current scandals over how large companies have been

cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course

I took years ago. The professor was explaining an

accounting method called First In Last Out, which is

useful for industries that accumulate large inventories

of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example,

reported huge profits during the 1970's when the oil

shortage occurred. They stopped buying oil, so they had

to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the

1930's at 20¢ a barrel. They of course sold it at current

market prices, which accounted for their huge profits.

One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me,

sir, but that doesn't sound very ethical to me."

To which the professor replied, "You're in the wrong class,

son, this is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall."

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This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her

to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they

go. First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband

steps up first and says, "Now watch me, and do the same

thing." He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with

about 30 feet to the cup.

The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off

a tree, bounces off a rock and rolls up onto the green and

drops into the cup. The husband looks at this, and says, "OK,

now you know how to play, let's go home."

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Feeding Shamu

At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to see the show featuring Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn't tell us why.

No amount of cajoling or persuading could get him to change his mind.

Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason he had been so reluctant.

His aunt, when telling him how exciting the show would be, had told him "They choose children from the audience to feed Shamu."

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"More Newspaper Bloopers"

Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on "Destructive Pests". A large number were present.

The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but City officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished.

The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump.

The father was employed at the Seabrook nuclear power plant, and commuted for some months. Then the family moved to Seabrook, where they are happily living.

Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest outdoor mule market in the world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the Governor.

The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog owners in New York City to clean up after their dogs, in penalty of $100 fine. The bill also applies to Buffalo.

The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china.

"Moby Dick", the great American classic by Herman Melville, will be seen again next week, with veteran actor Victor Jory in the title role.

Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and Thursday, which will be followed by Friday.

The women included their husbands and their children in their potluck suppers.

The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as she came down the aisle.

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Oneliner

"I never make misakes."

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CleanPun - "Seat Warmers"

Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury. "I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth wondered.

"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is.............rear defrosters."

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”Candle Help”

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met Father Flaherty.

The priest said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donvan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Fadder."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Fadder."

Father Flaherty said, "Well, now, I'm goin' to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Fadder." They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again and Father Flaherty asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Fadder!"

The priest then asked, "And tell me, have ye any been blessed with any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Fadder! T'ree sets o'twins and 4 singles, 10 in all."

He then responded, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle."

hUMOR For Jan 4th

Total Control

A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.

He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing the president, the war, corruption, unemployment, etc.

So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.

This didn’t have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.

Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.

Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.

He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him:

"If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won’t let me sleep."

The guys continue talking.

Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.

The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep...

When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found.

Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn’t have been any stops at night).

The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys.

Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.

The conductor answers that he doesn’t have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob’s joke about the water and pills.

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Wisdom of Age

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

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Presidential Critter

A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past.

"My, what was that?" exclaimed the woman.

"Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.

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Car On Fire

I had just pulled into a parking spot at the huge home

improvement store when smoke and flames began pouring from

under my hood.

Frantic, I bolted into the store and ran up to the first

clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was standing behind

the courtesy counter.

"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a fire

extinguisher!"

Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."

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The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into

the kitchen and immediately started yelling. "CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL! MORE OIL!

TURN THEM! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE OIL! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!

CAREFUL! CAREFUL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP! ARE YOU CRAZY! THE OIL

IS GOING TO SPILL! USE MORE SALT! THE SALT!!"

The wife was very upset, "What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like

this? Do you think I don't know

how to fry an egg?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted you to know what it's like for me

when I am driving the car and you're sitting next to me."

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A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mailbox sat on, but to

save the beloved old box. I managed to extract all but one of the rusty

nails in the bottom of the mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms

around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up.

Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window. "I

tried that," he said, "but the bills just keep on coming."

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My wife and I have a system for settling arguments We just talk and talk

until she's right.

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Losing My Mind

"Oh my," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

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If Life Were Like A Computer:

- You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

- You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

- You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

- You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

- You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

- To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

- If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

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Masterpiece

One day a girl came home crying to her mom. The mom asked what was wrong.

The girl responded, "I'm not a creation, God made men first! I'm nothing!"

Then the mom said, "Oh baby that's not true, God may have made men first ,but there's always a rough draft before the masterpiece."

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If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

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Holiday Eating Tips

I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism
and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food
police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to
get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on
a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact
if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're
serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now.
So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's
not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something.
It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later then
you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk
or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a
sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is
to eat other peoples food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Years, You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa. Position
yourself near them, and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one
dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean have
some standards, mate.

10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around
the corner.

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"Wedding Blessing"

At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing.

The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five.

Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too.

I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests.

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"Laziness"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. “Could you push me to the gas station?”

The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station.

“How come you didn’t turn in?” he yelled.

“I never go there,” the girl shouted back. “They don’t have full service.”

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"You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's

oldest globe. It's flat." --Buzz Nutley

***

"You know, I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be

happy with buns of cinnamon." --Ellen DeGeneres

***

"My dad, he's a nuclear physicist, my mom, she's a math-

ematician, my brother is a chemical engineer--and I like to

color." --Shashi Bhatia

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Chase Allen took the chair at the barbershop.

"How would you like your hair cut today, son?" asked the

barber.

"Oh, do it like you do Daddy's, with the big hole at the

back."

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"Wedding Blessing"

At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing.

The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five.

Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too.

I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests.

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Christmas Turkey

One year at Christmas, Mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, Mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, Mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey,
then re-stuffed the turkey. She placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the
oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon
hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a
look of total shock on her face, Mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've
cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It
took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.

hUMOR For Jan 3rd

Teddy Bear named Mohammed:

I purchased a Teddy Bear this morning for the princely sum of $10.

I named him Mohammed.

This afternoon I sold him on E-Bay for $30.

My question is, "Have I made a prophet?"

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Turnips

I put some turnips, his least-favorite vegetable, on my
eleven-year-old son's dinner plate and instructed him to eat
everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip.

I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have
been left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.

Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible."

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Christmas Credit

Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

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Swinging Dog

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing-eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!"

The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

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Low Impact Exercise

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge. Here are the things I have become good at:

* Beating around the bush
* Jumping to conclusions
* Climbing the walls
* Swallowing my pride
* Passing the buck
* Throwing my weight around
* Dragging my heels
* Pushing my luck
* Making Mountains out of molehills
* Hitting the nail on the head
* Wading through paperwork
* Bending over backwards
* Jumping on the bandwagon
* Balancing the books
* Running around in circles
* Eating crow
* Tooting my own horn
* Climbing the ladder of success
* Pulling out the stops
* Adding fuel to the fire
* Opening a can of worms
* Putting my foot in my mouth
* Starting the ball rolling
* Going over the edge

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Imponderables

- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

- If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

- Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON television?

- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

- How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

- If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

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When my doctor finished with his exam I said, "This may hurt a little, Doc.

I don't have any money."

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KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,

Harold is His name.

Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,

"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,

and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,

"And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they

were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping."

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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

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A father was at the beach with his children

when the four-year-old son ran up to him,

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore

where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

"Did God throw him back down?"

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A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

"Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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And if you don't send this to at least 8 people ----- who cares?!

Peace, love and happiness

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"Airport Mistletoe"

It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."
(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

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"Buffet" is a French term. It means, "Get up and get it yourself" - Greg Ray

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The End is Near

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

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Alternative Uses for Fruitcake

- Use as a doorstop

- Use as a paper weight

- Use to clean your pots and pans

- Use as boat anchor

- Use as bricks in fireplace

- Build a house with them

- Use it to hold up your Christmas tree

- Use as a pencil holder

- Give it to the cat for a scratching post

- Put it in the back yard to feed the birds and squirrels

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Biggest feet in the third grade

Ole's neighbor Sven had a boy, Sven Junior, who came home one day and asked, "Papa, I have da biggest feet in da third grade. Is dat becoss I'm Norvegian?"

"No," said Sven, "It's because you're NINETEEN."

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Stork Education

Coming through the door after school one day, Little Johnny hollers out...

"Okay everyone in the house, please stand advised that I, Little Johnny Elvis Smith, have on this date made a complete fool of myself in sex-education class by repeating stories concerning storks as told to me by certain parties residing in this house!"

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Oneliner

"In Congress someone gets up to speak and says nothing, nobody listens, and then they all disagree."

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”Accident Report”

Because I was processing my first accident report at the transportation company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive. The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender.

My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"

The driver had put "Full gallop."

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Politically Correct Holiday Greetings

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes
for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice
holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the
religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with
respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular
traditions at all;"

PLUS

"a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted
calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of
choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped
make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater
than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western
hemisphere), and without regard to race, creed, color, age, physical
ability, religious faith, or choice of computer platform."

(Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these
terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is
freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It
implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the
wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by
law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish
is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of
good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a
subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the
sole discretion of the wisher who assumes no responsibility for any
unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not
caught up in the holiday spirit.)

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Did You Ever Wonder?

- Can you cry under water?

- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

- If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

- Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

- Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

- What did cured ham actually have?

- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

hUMOR For Jan 2nd

Typo

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there is an error in the first copy, that error will be propagated to all of the other copies.
The head monk says, "We have been copying from these copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
So, the head monk goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk what the problem is and in a choked voice the head monk replies...
"The word is celebrate."

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There's no doubt that we need all the doctors we can get.
If we didn't have them, what would happen to all the old
magazines?

***

I have a lot of 'sweet chariot' stocks. The minute I buy
them they 'swing low!'

***

"My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least that's what she keeps
scribbling in her diary."

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"Gifts For Men"
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1:When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2:If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3:If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4:Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5:You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #7:Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8:Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts.Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9:Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #10:Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."
Rule #11:Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12:Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13:Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label-maker.
Rule #14:It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #15:Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope.

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CleanQuote
"Jesus paid the price. You get to keep the change."

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Life Insurance"Do you know the present value of your husband's policy?" the life insurance salesman asked his client."What do you mean?" countered the woman."If you should lose your husband, what would you get?" asked the salesman.The woman thought a minute, then brightened up and said, "Probably a poodle."

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"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single
word of what I am saying." -Oscar Wilde

[I can sympathize.]

***
The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person
brought in to be their new conductor. Their fears were
realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist,
realizing that the conductor did not know what he was
doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a
delicate, soft passage. The music stopped. The conductor,
highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra,
demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?"

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Innovative Uses for Fruitcake
- Hold up your car when changing tires - Slice and use for poker chips - Use it to carve your turkey on - Use as replacement for Duraflame log - Take it camping with you...use it to weigh down the tent - Use it as a seat at a stadium event - Stand on it when you change a lightbulb - Put it in the back of your car/truck for snow/ice driving - Replaces free weights when you work out - Use as book ends at the school library

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Military Time
My wife never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall. "He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised. With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded, "And just what time is that?"

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First Ham
A young couple got married. When the wife prepared to bake a ham to celebrate their first Thanksgiving, she carefully cut off each end before placing it in the pan. Her husband asked her why she did that and she replied, "I don't know - it's what my mother always did. But I can ask her." She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do it, so I did the same." They decided to check further, so the young woman called Grandma, who explained, "It was the only way I could get it to fit into my pan."

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Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

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Language Tip

Donna was new in town, and still trying to find her way around.
She walked up to a man standing outside the CFCC building.
"Can you tell me where the library's at?" she asked.
Proff. Vernon Allen stared down at her, raised his eyebrows, and said in his stuffiest voice, "Young lady, it is not proper to end a sentence with a preposition."
Donna stared back at him.
Then she said, "Can you tell me where the library's at, jerk?"

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"Piedmont Doors"
We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home.
Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, "You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel."
He raised an eyebrow. "Most people just take the towels."

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Oneliner
Christmas is weird- what other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
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Specialty Store"
I was travelling to Seattle on business. Knowing how the weather is up there (and lacking the proper clothing), I went to a local outdoor shop for a inclement weather clothing. Not finding what I was looking for, I went to another. Then another. Finally, a salesman suggested that I go to Rudolph's.
"Rudolph's?" I said, surprised. "Do you mean the Russian specialty store?"
To which the salesman answered, "Rudolph the Red knows rain gear."

hUMOR For Jan 1st, 2008

Attainable New Year's ResolutionsThis year I resolve to...- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.- Stop exercising. Waste of time.- Read less. Makes you think.- Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.- Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.- Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.- Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.- Buy a 1983 Cadillac ElDorado and invest in a really loud stereo system and get the windows tinted.- Buy some fur for the dash.- Not swim with piranhas or sharks.- Never make New Year's resolutions again.

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On a tour of Mammoth Cave in Kentucky, the guide stopped and addressed the
crowd. "Do you want to see what a real cave looks like?" he asked.

Of course, everyone said yes.

Without another word, he shut off all the lights.

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I was in the check-out lane of a grocery store when a sunny day suddenly
turned gray and rainy. "Wow! That was fast!" I commented, looking outside.

"Oh, you can't trust those weathermen," the young cashier said with a wave
of her hand. "They give you a different forecast every day."

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"I love my dentist. He has an X ray of his family in the waiting room." -
Robert G. Lee

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CleanQuote
"The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way."- Josh Billings

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Frozen TurkeysA lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

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Marine RecruiterServing as a Marine recruiter in western North Carolina, I found a young man who met all the requirements and was ready to enlist. I explained the importance of being truthful on the application and he began filling out his paper work.But when he got to the question: "Do you own any foreign property or have any foreign financial interests?" he looked up at me with a worried expression."Well," he confessed, "I do own a Toyota ."

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"I read this in the wall street journal today: The new trend
in Christmas cards this year are 'DVD cards' ­ instead of a
letter about your family and what you did this year, you put
your yearly memories on a DVD which I really enjoy getting,
you know why? They make great coasters." --Jay Leno

***

"But how about Christmas? It's exciting, isn't it? Isn't it?
I was up shopping at Bloomingdale's today and I was in the
elevator and they were playing ­ Kenny G was playing in the
elevator and I gave him a nice tip." --Dave Letterman

***

"Over 250 people got sick after eating at an Indiana Olive
Garden restaurant. People are afraid this will ruin Indiana's
reputation for fine Italian food." --Conan O'Brien

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A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp
steamer to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom
instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel
of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a
heading, and the young fellow holds to it.

Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the
young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm
swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the
circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship
with you?"

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One morning while a locksmith had come to change the locks
in my house, I realized I had to run a few errands. I turned
to him, a sweet older man, and said I was heading out. As I
got to the front door, I noticed my sad-faced dog staring at
me from the living room. "I love you, sweet boy," I said.
"Now you be good. Okay?"

From the other room I heard a voice answer, "Okay."

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The Good Old Days
Vern and .T [otherwise known as Dottie\ were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when ,T turned to Vern and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Vern looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile, .T pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Vern leaned slowly toward .T and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek. Growing bolder still, .T said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Vern slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, .T said, "Honey, where are you going?" Vern replied, "To get my teeth!"

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Twelve Things You Probably Didn't Know You Could Do With A Fruitcake

1. Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so
people won't park on your lawn.

2. Use it as building material. (This is actually what the
Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.)

3. Keep one under your pillow for home defense.

4. Send one to the junk mail company with a note asking them
to take you off their list.

5. It's colorful, use it as a Yule Log.

6. Carve the Presidents' faces in it and submit as a science
or art project.

7. Give one to your boss and tell him it's a life preserver.

8. Use it as a base for flower arrangements.

9. Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel
blocks.

10. Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag
marked "lawn fertilizer."

11. For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and
build an artificial reef.

12. Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to
keep your feet dry.

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Oneliner
Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.

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"Tackle Box"
On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a package from her mom and her sisters. Out came a beauty case containing many samples of makeup.
"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"
My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a tackle box; it was a beauty kit. My daughter proceeded to open it up and show us all the mascara, eye shadow, rouge, and other cosmetics.
At this point I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."

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GraceOur son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he typically would say a long prayer over the food.One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, Grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"

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If you haven't accomplished anything so far, then your best days are likely
to be ahead of you. But then, you should consider your track record.

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Animal Crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

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Three old men
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Well, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

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Puppy Love
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this." The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked. He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."


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Ways to Be Annoying
* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. * ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. * Pay for your dinner with pennies. * Repeat everything someone says, as a question. * Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. * Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. * At the laundry mat, use one dryer for each of your socks. * As much as possible, skip rather than walk. * Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. * Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. * Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. * Name your dog "Dog." * Ask people what gender they are. * Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think." * Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

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School Visit
After delivering a speech at an elementary school, the president lets the kids ask a few questions. One little boy, Joe raises his hand and asks, “How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the United Nations?” Just as the president begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says they’ll continue afterward. 25 minutes later the kids come back to class. “Where were we?” says the president. “Oh, yes... do you kids have any questions?” Another boy raises his hand and says, “I have three questions: First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Second, why did the recess bell go off 30 minutes early? And third, where is my buddy Joe?”

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An Interview With An 80-year-old Woman

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about
what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about
her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she
wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three
husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all
those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face
and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first
married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a
circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when
in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked
why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two
for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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"Soft Seven"
A young man is paired up with a priest on the first hole at the golf course. When they make it to a long par three the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"
The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."