Waiting for our aerobics class to begin, several of us were
standing around in our leotards chatting about fitness and
diets. One woman said that her brother-in-law had quit
smoking, gone on a diet and lost weight all at the same time.
Thinking to myself that no human being could possibly do this
without acquiring at least one other undesirable habit for
compensation, I jokingly asked her, "What did he start doing
instead of these things?"
After a slight pause, she smiled and said, "Well, my sister
is pregnant now."
+++++++++++++++++++
A wholesale dealer who had a lot of trouble in getting a
certain retailer to pay his bills finally lost patience and
wrote the merchant a threatening letter.
He received the following reply: "Dear Sir: What do you mean
by writing me a letter like that? Every month I place all my
bills in a hat and then figure out how much money I have to
pay on my accounts. Then I have my bookkeeper draw as many
bills out of the hat as I have money to pay. If you don't
like my way of doing business, I won't even put your bills
in the hat."
+++++++++++++++++++
Teacher’s Note
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.
+++++++++++++++++++
Three ArgumentsMy Cajun friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Cajun:1. He liked to serve fish to his friends.2 He could make his own wine.3. He wasn't afraid of waterMy Black friend had 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:1. He called everyone "brother."2. He liked Gospel.3. He couldn't get a fair trial.My Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:1. He talked with his hands.2. He had wine with every meal.3. He used olive oil.My California friend also had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:1. He never cut his hair.2. He walked around barefoot all the time3. He started a new religion.My Irish friend then gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:1. He never got married.2. He was always telling stories.3. He loved green pastures.But, my women friends have the most compelling evidence that Jesus was a woman:1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.3. And, even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.
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ShoplifterA shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?"The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip. "This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?"
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A is for ACUPUNCTURE. ACUPUNCTURE is an ancient Chinese medical technique of healing people by sticking them with needles. Western doctors have recently discovered Acupuncture and find it similar to their more modern technique of sticking patients with large medical bills. Western doctors are now using Acupuncture to block the sensation of pain, while the Chinese use it to remove the causes of pain. Naturally such inscrutable Oriental purposes have no appeal to doctors or their accountants.
A is for AKASHIC RECORDS. The AKASHIC RECORDS are a great big VCR in the sky that records everything that ever happens, particularly about you. (Yes, even that time when you thought you were all alone in your room is there). The Akashic Records are sometimes confused with Santa Claus' files, which, of course, tell him if you've been "naughty or nice." They are not the same. With Santa's records, you at least stand a 50% chance of getting goodies. The Akashic Records are Cosmically Impartial - no prezzies.
A is for AURA. AURAS are fields of energy around our bodies which most of us can't see. All genuine New Age people believe in Auras, although few can see them. Auras have different colors. You can tell how highly evolved people are by the color of their auras. However, there are so many different theories about Auras that people are confused about which colors are better than others, which of course is very important to New Age People. Everybody does agree that having any color of Aura is better than having none at all. Here is the final definitive, scientific rating of Aura colors:
White - Forget it. They're avoiding you. You wouldn't know one if it bit you.
Violet - Very, very high. If you see someone with a violet aura, try to ingratiate yourself.
Blue - Highly conscious, although somewhat pompous.
Blue - Green - Semi-conscious. Fun at parties.
Green - Reasonably conscious. Very healthy. Fond of plants.
Yellow - Average. Some hope for evolution, although unlikely to be interested in it.
Orange - Has moments of consciousness. Uninspired sexual partner.
Red - Passionate and quick tempered, but not very b-r-i-g-h-t.
Brown - Traditionally referred to as "robot-consciousness". Often successful in politics. California has produced two presidents like this.
Black - Unpleasant at best. Avoid them.
B is for BARDO. BARDO is the Tibetan word for the place where we go after death and before rebirth (See REINCARNATION). Christians call this place Purgatory. It is a kind of Cosmic Waiting Room where souls hang out before their next assignment to a new physical body. Some people claim the Bardo is boring because there is nothing to do except be with yourself. Others say it is terrifying because there is nothing to do except be with yourself. They all agree it's not a lot of fun. The only cure is to get enlightened (See ENLIGHTENMENT) which evidently makes the Bardo easy to put up with. This, unfortunately, requires spiritual work in this lifetime, which is awfully inconvenient when there's so much good stuff on television. Of course all this weird, bizarre talk about the Bardo is probably total nonsense and we don't have to worry about it a bit. We hope.
B is for BERMUDA TRIANGLE. The BERMUDA TRIANGLE is a place in the Atlantic Ocean where things disappear a lot. Big things like boats and airplane squadrons. Little things like people. Some people think the Bermuda Triangle is where Atlantis used to be. They say an old Atlantean laser beam occasionally zaps things into oblivion. Others say it's an underwater UFO airport and that the UFO people like to collect visitors. Still others think it's a hole in reality that occasionally opens up so that things fall through into another universe. We have no idea what the Bermuda Triangle is, but then we're still trying to figure out the Patagonian Hexagon and the Wichita Square, and they're supposed to be simple.
C is for CHANNELING. CHANNELING is what Channels do. A Channel is a person who does channeling. Is that clear? Let's try again. Suppose someone is dead (or at least highly evolved and not in a body) and wants to talk to people who are still alive (or at least hanging out in a body). Okay, one more time. Suppose higher entities want to talk to us lower entities. They can't talk directly to most of us because our minds are too busy to listen. So they find someone whose mind isn't as active to act as a channel. This person channels information from the higher entity to us lower entities. Naturally the channel charges for this information, but that's only so the channel can continue to provide this valuable public service. Channeling is very popular these days. It seems the other dimensions are filled with entities with something to say. In fact, so many of us lower entities are becoming channels ourselves that soon we may all be channels. Everybody will talking and nobody will be listening. Guess that's what the New Age is all about.
C is for CHRISTIANS. CHRISTIANS are people who advocate the teachings of a man named Jesus Christ (See JESUS). Note: There are also people who actually follow these teachings as well, but nobody knows much about them. No one is quite sure if Christianity is "relevant" anymore. Many New Age People used to be Christians but moved on because they thought Christianity was too old-fashioned. For some reason older religions like Hinduism, Sufism, and Buddhism are considered more modern. They're certainly more fashionable.
C is for CRYSTALS. CRYSTALS are pretty rocks. They are considered to be better than other pretty rocks because they vibrate. Of course vibrators vibrate too. But they're used for different purposes. (Ouch. We hope so.) It used to be that you could buy pretty rocks like crystals for a few cents. Now they go for $10 and up. Way up. People use crystals to make contact with higher intelligences. People who pay that kind of money for rocks obviously need contact with higher intelligences.
D is for DRUGS. DRUGS are things which people put in their mouths, arms, or noses to feel different. People take them to wake up, go to sleep, liven up, calm down, see things, stop seeing things, feel better, or stop feeling at all. Others take them just to pass the time. Some Drugs are legal. They make lots of money for Tobacco and Liquor Companies. Other drugs are kind of legal. They make lots of money for Pharmaceutical Companies. Still other drugs aren't legal at all. They make lots of money for farmers, self-employed businessmen, politicians, bankers, and government and law enforcement agencies. No one knows if there will be Drugs in the New Age. We hope so. Otherwise, the New Age could be real tough to get through.
E is for ENLIGHTENMENT. ENLIGHTENMENT is what all Genuine New Age People are after. Nobody really knows what it is, but everyone agrees it must be better than being unenlightened, which is what we've got now. People believe that if you are Enlightened you will never have any problems again. You will have all the money and things you need (although you won't care about them) and you can spend the rest of your life (or lives) just grooving with Nature and God. (See separate listings). There are, admittedly, some Spiritual Teachers who claim that after you become Enlightened your work has only just begun. They have few followers.
F is for FIREWALKING. FIREWALKING is walking on hot coals in bare feet. Ouch! Yes, that's what we said. People pay to learn how to walk on hot coals so that they can learn to transcend the petty limitations of their beliefs. They believe that once they believe they can walk on hot coals they can believe anything. We believe that too.
G is for GLOBAL VILLAGE. In the New Age we will all live in a GLOBAL VILLAGE. This means that everybody will be connected with everybody else and that instead of having lots of little governments that nobody likes, we will have one big government which for some reason everybody is expected to like. When we have one big Global Village, everybody will be a Citizen of the World, and we won't need passports any more. According to some sources, a simple mark on the forehead will be sufficient.
G is for GOD. GOD is the One who started it all. Many people still carry a grudge about that. He is also the One who made all the rules. This upsets many people who would rather make their own rules. These people have decided that God doesn't exist. Fortunately for them, He hasn't done the same. Many New Age People want to find God, although they have a hard time explaining how they lost Him in the first place. According to most reports, God would not be easy to misplace. Perhaps people figure it's more fun to look for Him than to find Him.
G is for GURU. A GURU is a person who teaches you things. It has been said that everyone is your Guru. This of course implies that you are everyone else's Guru as well. Have you been shirking your responsibilities? You better get on with it. Being a Guru is a serious business. At least most of the better-known Gurus are serious about their business. Just ask their accountants.
H is for HEALTH FOOD. HEALTH FOOD is what all New Age People try to eat. Health Food makes them radiant, clear-eyed, mucus-free, and regular. All official Health Food is organic, which means the guy who sells it claims it has no dirty-old chemical and artificial things in it. Health Food usually costs a bundle. Eating Health Food gives a New Age Person such a healthy, sensitive body that it absolutely freaks out if it takes in something unhealthy. Considering our environment, would you really like to have a body like that?
I is for I CHING. The I CHING is a very old Chinese book. People throw coins and then read in the I Ching what their future will be and what they should do about it. This is considered to be much more profound than flipping a coin.
I is for INDIA. INDIA is where all Genuine New Age People go to find Truth. India has the Truth because it is a very spiritual country. People in India are so spiritual, that they even die spiritually. Millions of them every year.
K is for KARMA. KARMA is what happens when you do something. If you do something nice, you get nice back. If you do something wicked, you're up a creek. Of course you may not get it until another lifetime, at which time you'll probably have forgotten how it started and ask "Why me?" Karma is a Cosmic Law. That means you can ignore it all you want but there's no way you can get away from it. But keep on trying if you like. It passes the time.
K is for KUNDALINI. KUNDALINI is a serpent of energy curled up at the base of the spine, which rises when one meditates on it. When one gets really good at it, the Kundalini comes all the way up the spine, frazzles the brain, and leaps out the top. This is considered very desirable by people who practice Kundalini. Lots of people practicing Kundalini have been so successful that they are now living in nice, quiet places where they can be with others like themselves. (See LSD).
L is for LEVITATION. LEVITATION means defying the law of gravity and floating above the ground. There are now people who will teach you how to levitate. Apparently the method involves relieving yourself of certain unessential encumbrances (tens, twenties, fifties) thereby lightening your essential self. Levitation, incidentally, is how the Egyptians built their pyramids (See PYRAMIDS). People often wonder how they carried those big stones up the steps of half-finished pyramids. They didn't. They built them from the top down.
L is for LOVE. LOVE is what the New Age is all about. True New Age People love everyone. You can tell this because they smile very sweetly, speak in soft, gentle voices, radiate total acceptance, and forgive you immediately for all your faults. If you enjoy this sort of Pure Saintly Behavior you are a New Age Person and deserve to be around it. However, if Pure Saintly Behavior drives you up a wall, and your idea of Love is a little more lively than that, we suggest you look elsewhere for companionship. After all, there are still a few good years of pre-New Age left to enjoy.
M is for MAHARISHI. MAHARISHI is the nice man who is in charge of Transcendental Meditation (See TM). He loves flowers, perfume, incense, and little children. He is a very popular man who can often be seen on TV talk shows. Maharishi is almost like Mom and Apple Pie, and we think we better not say any more here before we check with our lawyers.
N is for NUMEROLOGY. NUMEROLOGY is the science of Numbers. No, it's not like Arithmetic. That is a different kind of science. Numerology is about the meaning of numbers. Each number from 1 to 9 has a special meaning. Your name has its own special number. If you add up all its letters (A=1, B=2, and so on), you'll get a number that tells you your life's path. If you don't like that particular path, you can change your name and get a new one that gives you a better path. You don't think Arnold Schwarzenegger was born with that name, do you?
O is for OM. OM is a New Age Word. In fact, it is a Very New Age Word. When someone chants Om, that person becomes One With The Universe. Because it is a very powerful word, you should not repeat Om more than 1728 times at one sitting. If you do, you might become so One With The Universe that you will never....ever....come...back. You've been warned.
P is for POWER SPOTS. POWER SPOTS are places on the planet that have extra special energy. New Age people are fascinated by Power Spots because New Age people think energy is, like, wow. Power Spots include places like Stonehenge, the Great Pyramid, Machu Picchu, Mt. Shasta, and Shirley MacLaine's birthplace. New Age People are convinced that Power Spots are directly connected with: 1) Ancient civilizations 2) Secret societies 3) Flying saucers, and 4) Planetary Chakras (See CHAKRAS). New Age People like to visit Power Spots because they consider them places for 1) Great Meditation 2) Great Sex 3) Great Shopping, and 4) Great Meditative Sex. Power Spots are not places like the White House, the Kremlin, Wall Street, Hollywood, and your neighborhood nuclear plant. New Age People consider those places to be low energy spots. What do you think? Which kinds of places do you think have the most power?
Q is for QUAKE. QUAKE is short for Earthquake, or as they say in California, "The Big One." When the Quake happens, California will go splash, a fairly noticeable sign that the New Age is on its way, with some minor inconveniences in between - like war, famine, pestilence, volcanic eruptions, and a shortage of good Chardonnay. As Californians all think they already live in the New Age, they don't exactly see the Quake as an improvement. But it sounds so exciting none of them want to miss it. It's unlikely many of them will.
R is for REINCARNATION. REINCARNATION means that after we die we come back in a new body for another lifetime, then we die, then we come back again and so on, over and over. All these bodies are human bodies. Some people think Reincarnation means coming back as an animal. That is called Transmigration and is very, very unusual. It will happen only if you Really Screw Up. As long as you don't commit the One Cardinal Sin, you'll be all right. (You're not committing it, are you?) Supposedly we keep reincarnating until we learn our lessons, whatever they may be. Since most of us are a little slow at catching on to things, we've been doing this for millions of years. This is called being on the Wheel of Karma. Some people think Reincarnation is a great excuse for waiting till the next lifetime to do anything. Others, who have gotten bored with the whole thing, figure they'd just as soon get off the Wheel of Karma now. They might not be in such a hurry if they knew what the next Wheel is like.
S is for SATAN. SATAN is also known as the Devil. He is an evil-looking fellow with horns, forked tail, and bad breath. Satan has been playing against God (See GOD) for a long time now, trying to take over control of the Universe. Of course God made up the game in the first place, so he's not too concerned about the outcome. The pieces God and Satan play with are called People. Many of these pieces enjoy telling each other that as soon as Satan loses, the New Age will begin. Oh yeah. Who are they trying to kid? As soon as anybody loses, the game is over. Then all the pieces go back in the box.
S is for SCIENTOLOGY. SCIENTOLOGY is........one moment, please. There is someone knocking at the door. We will be right back................................................ ...Here we are again. Sorry, but after talking to that very persuasive, very large person at the door we have decided that we will leave the subject of Scientology and find something else to talk about.
S is for SEX. SEX is...well, you probably already have a rough idea what sex is. Although New Age People think sex is more than you think it is. (See TANTRA). It is unclear if there will be any Sex in the New Age. Some people think we will transcend all that nasty physical stuff. Other people, who still think that nasty physical stuff is a lot of fun, hope it will just get better and aren't much interested in the New Age without it. Come to think of it, how long do you think the New Age would last without it?
S is for SHIRLEY MACLAINE. SHIRLEY MACLAINE is a New Age Person. Shirley discovered that there are other realities. In one of these realities she is a teacher who fills huge auditoriums with people willing to pay much money to learn how to become a New Age Person. In that same reality she also sells New Age Books, sells New Age TV programs, and is starting a center where she can sell New Age courses. Shirley thinks reality is pretty neat. At least the one she's in. Yours may be different.
T is for TANTRA. TANTRA is a special kind of sex (See SEX) which is done for spiritual reasons. It naturally appeals to Americans, who have all been brought up believing that Sex is dirty. With Tantra we can all fuck ourselves to Higher Consciousness. God is good.
T is for THIRD EYE. The THIRD EYE is the one in the middle of your forehead which you might not have noticed yet, but which all New Age People want to open. They figure if they can see two dimensions with one eye, and three dimensions with two eyes, just imagine what they might see with three eyes! One supposed method of opening the Third Eye is by drilling a hole in the forehead. This has not been a popular technique. Another way is through meditation (See MEDITATION). Still another way is to say nice things to it and coax it open. Once you get your Third Eye open, we'll tell you about Cleaning the Third Ear.
W is for WHOLE EARTH. WHOLE EARTH means the entire planet on which we live. The symbol of the Whole Earth is a picture of the Earth taken from space. It shows a beautiful blue-green gem shining in the black void of space. Unfortunately that jewel in space is covered with a lot of people who believe in Part Earth. And they generally think their part is better than the other parts. Whole Earth People tend to think the whole thing is pretty nice. And that there's really no way to divide the thing into parts anyhow. Well, there is one way. But it's unlikely anybody would be able to put it back together again. We think Whole Earth is a pretty good idea.
Y is for YIN/YANG. YIN/YANG is an ancient Oriental concept. Because it is very ancient, it is automatically considered to be very profound by New Age People. There's nothing like ancient wisdom to impress the hell out of New Age People, and Yin/Yang is about as ancient as wisdom can get. Yin/Yang means that everything has its opposite within it. Every Yin has a little Yang inside, and every Yang contains a little Yin. What this means to New Age People is that everything that seems one way is really kind of the other way too. And that opposites aren't really opposed because in some way they're already like their opposition. Therefore, since nothing is really what it seems -- and generally more like what it doesn't seem -- there's not much sense in worrying about anything because it's not what we thought it was anyhow. Don't you find this ancient wisdom reassuring? We'll bet your life’s starting to feel enriched already.
Z is for ZEN. ZEN is everything. It is the indefinable made manifest. (Or is it the manifest made indefinable? Zen can be very confusing.) Anyway, in addition to being everything, Zen is also nothing. Therefore it is not necessary to do Zen. Nevertheless, there are special places called Zen monasteries where people do Zen, which of course they were already doing even when they weren't doing Zen.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 26th
You Know You Have a Bad Computer When...
10. The lower corner of screen has the words "Etch A Sketch"
on it.
9. When you insert a disk, it spits out a pack of
cigarettes.
8. You have to pedal it.
7. The manual contains one sentence: "Good luck!"
6. The only chip inside came from a bag of Doritos.
5. When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start
howling.
4. You catch a virus from it.
3. The screen frequently freezes and a message comes up:
"Ain't it break time, Chester?"
2. While running, it emits deafening calliope music.
1. It cyber-snickers at you.
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The Lexus
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
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Wrapping Presents with a Cat
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present. 2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door. 3. Open door and remove cat from closet. 4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper. 5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard. 6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. . . 7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed. 8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string. 9. Remove present from bag. 10. Remove cat from bag. 11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present. 12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size. 13. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat. 14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight. 15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper. 16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in. 17. Place present on paper. 18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat. 19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape. 20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors. 21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible. 22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon. 23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn. 24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase. 25. Repeat steps 17-24 until you reach last sheet of paper. 26. Decide to skip steps 17-21 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper. 27. Put present in box, and tie down with string. 28. Remove string, open box and remove cat. 29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room. 30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials. 31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock. 32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door) 33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best) 34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well. 35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable. 36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas. 37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job. 38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat. 39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion. 40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat. 41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.
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Think About It
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. - It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. - Never test the depth of the water with both feet. - It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. - If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. - If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. - If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. - Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. - Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. - To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world. - Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger. - A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous. - Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side. - Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. - Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. - Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked. - Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.
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Holidays
An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. And Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. Muslims have their holidays, too." "Every religion has holidays to celebrate. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holiday. It's an unfair discrimination" His friend replied..."Well, why don't you celebrate April 1st?"
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The only time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it's holding a
parking ticket.
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"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away...
if your car could go straight upwards." --Sir Fred Hoyle
***
"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of
life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', but did any-
one ever say 'Socrates hemlock is poison.'?!" --Socrates
***
"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your
life." --George Carlin
10. The lower corner of screen has the words "Etch A Sketch"
on it.
9. When you insert a disk, it spits out a pack of
cigarettes.
8. You have to pedal it.
7. The manual contains one sentence: "Good luck!"
6. The only chip inside came from a bag of Doritos.
5. When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start
howling.
4. You catch a virus from it.
3. The screen frequently freezes and a message comes up:
"Ain't it break time, Chester?"
2. While running, it emits deafening calliope music.
1. It cyber-snickers at you.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Lexus
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Wrapping Presents with a Cat
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present. 2. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut door. 3. Open door and remove cat from closet. 4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper. 5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard. 6. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc. . . 7. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed. 8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit and collect string. 9. Remove present from bag. 10. Remove cat from bag. 11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present. 12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size. 13. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat. 14. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight. 15. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper. 16. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the present came in. 17. Place present on paper. 18. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat. 19. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent sticky tape. 20. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors. 21. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible. 22. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve ribbon. 23. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn. 24. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's enthusiastic ribbon chase. 25. Repeat steps 17-24 until you reach last sheet of paper. 26. Decide to skip steps 17-21 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right size for sheet of paper. 27. Put present in box, and tie down with string. 28. Remove string, open box and remove cat. 29. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked room. 30. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and materials. 31. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and relock. 32. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat from outside door) 33. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area of the toilet, but do your best) 34. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper. Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last year as well. 35. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable. 36. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst areas. 37. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on completing a difficult job. 38. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat. 39. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion. 40. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat. 41. Go to store and buy a gift bag.
+++++++++++++++++++
Think About It
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. - It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. - Never test the depth of the water with both feet. - It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. - If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. - If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. - If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it. - Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. - Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut. - To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world. - Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger. - A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous. - Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side. - Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. - Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself. - Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked. - Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Holidays
An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. And Jews celebrate their holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. Muslims have their holidays, too." "Every religion has holidays to celebrate. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized national holiday. It's an unfair discrimination" His friend replied..."Well, why don't you celebrate April 1st?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The only time a windshield wiper will work properly is when it's holding a
parking ticket.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away...
if your car could go straight upwards." --Sir Fred Hoyle
***
"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of
life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', but did any-
one ever say 'Socrates hemlock is poison.'?!" --Socrates
***
"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your
life." --George Carlin
Saturday, August 25, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 25th
"Van Halen have announced they are getting back together.
They will start touring on September 27. On September 28,
they will realize that David Lee Roth is a pain in the ass,
and they will break up again." -Craig Ferguson
***
"President Bush has left for vacation and his poll numbers
are going up. So, basically, people approve of the job he's
doing more when he's not doing the job." -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Walpole had lived in his loft for six months, and by now it
was filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day
and night, stopping only occasionally for something to eat.
He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what
he thought about least of all was his rent.
As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding
the three months' rent Walpole owed on the loft.
"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I'm
on the verge of making some sales."
"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story
last month. You won't get another day's credit from me."
"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Some-
day this loft will be famous, and you'll be able to charge
a fortune for it. In a few years, people will come into this
disgusting loft and whisper, 'Walpole used to paint here.'"
"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able
to say it tomorrow morning."
+++++++++++++++++++
I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in I noticed
two pretty girls looking at me.
"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.
Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy
and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.
"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I
walked in, they were speaking German."
+++++++++++++++++++
Self Help
When a man's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ponderisms I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?" Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt." If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address??
+++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about." Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please" Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off." ---------------------------------------------------On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone >box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on." ---------------------------------------------------------Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "OK." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?" ----------------------------------------------------This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Operator: "What sort of trouble??" Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." Operator: "Went away?" Caller: "They disappeared." Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" Caller: "Nothing." Operator: "Nothing??" Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??" Caller: "How do I tell?" Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??" Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?" Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??" Caller: "What's a monitor?" Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??" Caller: "I don't know." Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??" Caller: "Yes, I think so." Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: "Yes, it is." Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Caller: "Okay, here it is." Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Caller: "I can't reach." Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??" Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark." Operator: "Dark??" Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can't." Operator: "No? Why not??" Caller: "Because there's a power failure." Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??" Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?" Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??" Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!
+++++++++++++++++++
Because of the climate of political correctnessnow pervading America, those of us in Arkansas andMissouri will no longer be referred to as HILLBILLIES.
We ask that you now refer to us as OZARK-AMERICANS.
Thank you!
Now if you'll excuse me, I got possums to fry.
+++++++++++++++++++
Won't CookI put a roast in the oven one noon hour and set the timer, a feature I hadn't used yet. Before leaving work that afternoon, I phoned my 14-year-old son to ask him to check the roast and peel some potatoes. Minutes later he called back. "Mom, the roast isn't cooked. The oven didn't come on."The roast was on the menu again the following day, but this time, since I stopped by the house after a business lunch, I decided to turn the oven on myself. Again before leaving work, I called my son to check the roast and get the potatoes started. Again he called me back. "The roast still isn't cooked.""Listen," I said. "I know the oven's on. I turned it on before I left. I didn't use the timer.""Oh, the stove's working fine," he told me. "It's just that the roast is still in the refrigerator."
They will start touring on September 27. On September 28,
they will realize that David Lee Roth is a pain in the ass,
and they will break up again." -Craig Ferguson
***
"President Bush has left for vacation and his poll numbers
are going up. So, basically, people approve of the job he's
doing more when he's not doing the job." -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Walpole had lived in his loft for six months, and by now it
was filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day
and night, stopping only occasionally for something to eat.
He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what
he thought about least of all was his rent.
As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding
the three months' rent Walpole owed on the loft.
"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I'm
on the verge of making some sales."
"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story
last month. You won't get another day's credit from me."
"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Some-
day this loft will be famous, and you'll be able to charge
a fortune for it. In a few years, people will come into this
disgusting loft and whisper, 'Walpole used to paint here.'"
"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able
to say it tomorrow morning."
+++++++++++++++++++
I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in I noticed
two pretty girls looking at me.
"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.
Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy
and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.
"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I
walked in, they were speaking German."
+++++++++++++++++++
Self Help
When a man's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ponderisms I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?" Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt." If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address??
+++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about." Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please" Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off." ---------------------------------------------------On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone >box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on." ---------------------------------------------------------Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer: "OK." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?" ----------------------------------------------------This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!): Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?" Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Operator: "What sort of trouble??" Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." Operator: "Went away?" Caller: "They disappeared." Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" Caller: "Nothing." Operator: "Nothing??" Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??" Caller: "How do I tell?" Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??" Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?" Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??" Caller: "What's a monitor?" Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??" Caller: "I don't know." Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??" Caller: "Yes, I think so." Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: "Yes, it is." Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Caller: "Okay, here it is." Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Caller: "I can't reach." Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??" Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark." Operator: "Dark??" Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can't." Operator: "No? Why not??" Caller: "Because there's a power failure." Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??" Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?" Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??" Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!
+++++++++++++++++++
Because of the climate of political correctnessnow pervading America, those of us in Arkansas andMissouri will no longer be referred to as HILLBILLIES.
We ask that you now refer to us as OZARK-AMERICANS.
Thank you!
Now if you'll excuse me, I got possums to fry.
+++++++++++++++++++
Won't CookI put a roast in the oven one noon hour and set the timer, a feature I hadn't used yet. Before leaving work that afternoon, I phoned my 14-year-old son to ask him to check the roast and peel some potatoes. Minutes later he called back. "Mom, the roast isn't cooked. The oven didn't come on."The roast was on the menu again the following day, but this time, since I stopped by the house after a business lunch, I decided to turn the oven on myself. Again before leaving work, I called my son to check the roast and get the potatoes started. Again he called me back. "The roast still isn't cooked.""Listen," I said. "I know the oven's on. I turned it on before I left. I didn't use the timer.""Oh, the stove's working fine," he told me. "It's just that the roast is still in the refrigerator."
Friday, August 24, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 24th
Road Repair
The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning. Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words, "Rough Road."
+++++++++++++++++++
It's a Girl
Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me at work with the news of my grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers. "I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds." "When was she born?" someone asked. Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Silly Bird Riddles
What birds spend all their time on their knees?
Birds of prey.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird.
Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a nest-cafe.
What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
Fowl play.
What language do birds speak?
Pigeon English.
What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A bird that will talk you ear off.
What happened when the owl lost his voice?
He didn't give a hoot.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A great walkie-talkie.
+++++++++++++++++++
Biggest LiarTwo boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher asked, "Why are you arguing?"One boy answered, "We found a ten-dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.""You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
+++++++++++++++++++
Friends vs Southern Friends
FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food. And lots of it.
FRIENDS: Will say "hello."
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss. More
than one.
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad, and really
mean it, too.
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you. And for you.
FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing,
and just being together. Then do the dishes before leaving.
FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from
you. And most of the time know you better than you do
yourself.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!" If you
are not home they will wait.
FRIENDS: Are for a while.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life. And then some.
If one is deprived of Southern Friends, this will serve as
an excellent educational tool for why they need to look into
the possibility.
+++++++++++++++++++
Mother's Wedding Dress
A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding." The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony." "But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it." "Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."
+++++++++++++++++++
Who broke down the walls of Jericho?
The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?" Little Johnny replies, "I dunno, but it wasn't me!" The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny's lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies, "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth." Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story... After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the wall!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Country song titles
Readers of New York magazine were asked to invent country-song titles. Here are some entries: - Ain't No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out - You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa - Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart - I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day - She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn't Choose Me - The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn't Cling To Me For Long - Don't Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi - I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf - Now That We're Miserable, I Hope You're Happy
+++++++++++++++++++
Mother Teresa and God
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God. "I could eat," Mother Teresa replied. So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet. The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..." God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa," He said, ". . . for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
+++++++++++++++++++
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought
she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient
son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you
mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Bedouin wandering in the Sahara happened upon an American dressed in a
bathing suit, flip-flops, a big, over-sized T-shirt and sunglasses. The
Bedouin gazed at him in amazement, "What are you doing all the way out here
dressed like that!?"
"I'm going swimming," the tourist explained.
"But the ocean is five hundred miles away," the Arab informed him.
"five hundred miles!" the American exclaimed with a whistle of appreciation.
"Boy, what a beach!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress
depends on the unreasonable man." - George Bernard Shaw
+++++++++++++++++++
"A group of investors announced they plan on opening a hotel
in space. A weekend stay will cost $4 million. It will cost
you another million to eat a Snickers from the mini bar."
-Conan O'Brien
The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day, I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning. Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. Where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words, "Rough Road."
+++++++++++++++++++
It's a Girl
Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me at work with the news of my grandchild's birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my co-workers. "I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds." "When was she born?" someone asked. Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Silly Bird Riddles
What birds spend all their time on their knees?
Birds of prey.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird.
Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a nest-cafe.
What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
Fowl play.
What language do birds speak?
Pigeon English.
What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?
A bird that will talk you ear off.
What happened when the owl lost his voice?
He didn't give a hoot.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A great walkie-talkie.
+++++++++++++++++++
Biggest LiarTwo boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher asked, "Why are you arguing?"One boy answered, "We found a ten-dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.""You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher. "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
+++++++++++++++++++
Friends vs Southern Friends
FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Always bring the food. And lots of it.
FRIENDS: Will say "hello."
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will give you a big hug and a kiss. More
than one.
FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mom and Dad, and really
mean it, too.
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Cry with you. And for you.
FRIENDS: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing,
and just being together. Then do the dishes before leaving.
FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from
you. And most of the time know you better than you do
yourself.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!" If you
are not home they will wait.
FRIENDS: Are for a while.
SOUTHERN FRIENDS: Are for life. And then some.
If one is deprived of Southern Friends, this will serve as
an excellent educational tool for why they need to look into
the possibility.
+++++++++++++++++++
Mother's Wedding Dress
A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding." The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony." "But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it." "Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."
+++++++++++++++++++
Who broke down the walls of Jericho?
The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?" Little Johnny replies, "I dunno, but it wasn't me!" The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny's lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies, "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth." Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story... After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the wall!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Country song titles
Readers of New York magazine were asked to invent country-song titles. Here are some entries: - Ain't No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out - You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa - Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart - I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day - She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn't Choose Me - The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn't Cling To Me For Long - Don't Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi - I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf - Now That We're Miserable, I Hope You're Happy
+++++++++++++++++++
Mother Teresa and God
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God. "I could eat," Mother Teresa replied. So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it. While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet. The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand it..." God sighed. "Let's be honest Teresa," He said, ". . . for just two people, it doesn't pay to cook."
+++++++++++++++++++
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought
she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient
son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you
mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Bedouin wandering in the Sahara happened upon an American dressed in a
bathing suit, flip-flops, a big, over-sized T-shirt and sunglasses. The
Bedouin gazed at him in amazement, "What are you doing all the way out here
dressed like that!?"
"I'm going swimming," the tourist explained.
"But the ocean is five hundred miles away," the Arab informed him.
"five hundred miles!" the American exclaimed with a whistle of appreciation.
"Boy, what a beach!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress
depends on the unreasonable man." - George Bernard Shaw
+++++++++++++++++++
"A group of investors announced they plan on opening a hotel
in space. A weekend stay will cost $4 million. It will cost
you another million to eat a Snickers from the mini bar."
-Conan O'Brien
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 22nd
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is
that it has never tried to contact us." - Calvin and Hobbes --Bill Watterson
+++++++++++++++++++
Late to work
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Cross Examination
A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness when he stopped and said, “Your honor, a juror is asleep.” The Judge ruled, “You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up.”
+++++++++++++++++++
No Tail Light
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Deep Thoughts about Pigs & Sheep
- Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes? - Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job? - If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock? - If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters? - If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you make with it? - If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll? - What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea when humans fly'? - What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep? - Why can't pigs look up into the sky? - Why do pigs have curly tails? - Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs? - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? - Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn? - Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a pig is to cure it? - Would a small pig be called a hamlet?
+++++++++++++++++++
Honey-Do Syndrome
A middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy.
"Arthritis with complications?" she asked.
The wife shook her head, "No, Do-It-Yourself," she explained, "With concrete blocks."
+++++++++++++++++++
The blonde at the movies
We went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me." By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?""No!" she said in a loud whisper.
"The 'TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
UpLovers of the English language might enjoy this ... How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English?There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP."It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.And this up is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitionsIf you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so ....Time to shut UP .....!
+++++++++++++++++++
"I used to be scared of dogs. Then I realized that dogs are
just as scared of me as I am of them; they just show it
differently. They show it by barking and snapping at me,
and I show it by wetting myself." --Dakota Shepard
***
One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please
insult my wife. She loves your work. It would really give
her a thrill if you insulted her."
Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be
ashamed of yourself...To be married to a woman like that
and not be able to think up your own insults!"
+++++++++++++++++++
My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment.
She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was
getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell
phone with me. And now I can't find it!"
I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"
There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality
of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going
to tell anybody about this!"
+++++++++++++++++++
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice
to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?"
he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle
costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a
smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit,"
Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something
really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
+++++++++++++++++++
What It Means
Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by. She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!"
+++++++++++++++++++
George and Moses
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses." The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses". The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses". The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am". George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the wilderness".
that it has never tried to contact us." - Calvin and Hobbes --Bill Watterson
+++++++++++++++++++
Late to work
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Cross Examination
A Columbia lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness when he stopped and said, “Your honor, a juror is asleep.” The Judge ruled, “You put him to sleep; YOU wake him up.”
+++++++++++++++++++
No Tail Light
"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a long, painful groan. He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Deep Thoughts about Pigs & Sheep
- Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes? - Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job? - If a pig is sold to the pawn shop is it then called a ham-hock? - If we make sweaters out of a sheep's hair, what do the sheep use to make sweaters? - If you can't make a silk purse from a sow's ear what can you make with it? - If you pushed a pig down a hill would he be a sausage roll? - What do pigs say when they don't want to do something? Would it be 'Yea when humans fly'? - What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep? - Why can't pigs look up into the sky? - Why do pigs have curly tails? - Why do we call them guinea pigs when they are neither from Guinea nor are they pigs? - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? - Why is it that only pigs and humans can get sunburn? - Why is it that the first thing we try to do after killing a pig is to cure it? - Would a small pig be called a hamlet?
+++++++++++++++++++
Honey-Do Syndrome
A middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy.
"Arthritis with complications?" she asked.
The wife shook her head, "No, Do-It-Yourself," she explained, "With concrete blocks."
+++++++++++++++++++
The blonde at the movies
We went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.
"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me." By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?""No!" she said in a loud whisper.
"The 'TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
UpLovers of the English language might enjoy this ... How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English?There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is "UP."It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.And this up is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitionsIf you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so ....Time to shut UP .....!
+++++++++++++++++++
"I used to be scared of dogs. Then I realized that dogs are
just as scared of me as I am of them; they just show it
differently. They show it by barking and snapping at me,
and I show it by wetting myself." --Dakota Shepard
***
One day a man approached Groucho Marx and he said, "Please
insult my wife. She loves your work. It would really give
her a thrill if you insulted her."
Groucho turned to the man and said, "Sir, you should be
ashamed of yourself...To be married to a woman like that
and not be able to think up your own insults!"
+++++++++++++++++++
My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment.
She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was
getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell
phone with me. And now I can't find it!"
I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"
There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality
of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going
to tell anybody about this!"
+++++++++++++++++++
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice
to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?"
he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle
costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a
smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit,"
Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something
really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
+++++++++++++++++++
What It Means
Five year old Becky answered the door when the Census taker came by. She told the Census taker that her daddy was a doctor and wasn't home, because he was performing an appendectomy. "My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?" "Sure! Fifteen hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anaesthesiologist!"
+++++++++++++++++++
George and Moses
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses." The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses". The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses". The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am". George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the wilderness".
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 21st
"In Flori-DUH, a man whose name is Harry Potter says that he
is constantly harassed by prank phone calls. Potter thinks
the calls are coming from his neighbor down the street,
Joey Voldermort." -Conan O'Brien
***
"It was this week in 1974 that Richard Nixon resigned the
presidency after getting caught lying and violating the
Constitution. Remember when that kind of thing used to get
you kicked out of office?" -Jay Leno
***
"Smokey the Bear turns 47 today. I never trusted Smokey the
Bear. Kids, if you see a bear wearing a ranger's hat, it's
because the bear ate the ranger!" -Craig Ferguson
+++++++++++++++++++
I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at
engineering university. I worked repairing construction
equipment.
One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had
some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts
had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating
the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this,
one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along.
He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if
I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip
on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
"Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and
shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I
always wondered about that," he said.
+++++++++++++++++++
The receptionist for the company where I'm employed found
some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a co-worker.
She sent out an e-mail: "If anybody can say where he/she
lost $66, please let me know, and it will be returned."
Within minutes one employee replied, "Super Bowl, 2005."
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips From Late Night
"Hillary Clinton ... is upset right now with a columnist from the Washington Post's 'Fashion' section. The columnist pointed out that Hillary showed a little cleavage during a speech that she made on the Senate floor. ... Who'd have ever thought a controversy involving a Clinton and cleavage would be about Hillary?" --Jimmy Kimmel "A scary incident yesterday for the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts. Luckily, he's okay. ... He collapsed to the ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right. ... For the young people, do you know who John Roberts is? He is our most important judge ... right after Simon Cowell." --Jay Leno "Are you talking about how sexy Hillary Clinton looks? ... Everybody's talking about it. She's dressing so much sexier. Folks down in Washington in the Capitol building say they haven't seen this much cleavage in the Senate since Ted Kennedy" --David Letterman "Just days after having a heart procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney appeared this evening on 'Larry King Live.' Doctors say he looked old, pale and sickly. And so did Cheney." --Conan O'Brien "Happy Birthday to our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old. You can tell he's getting up there. Remember when he used to say things like, 'I'll be back'? Now he says, 'Ow, my back.'" --Jay Leno "Former President Bill Clinton recently said that if Hillary is elected president, he would be glad to serve as a roving ambassador. Clinton added, 'I've already got the roving part down.'" --Conan O'Brien "Shocking news from ... Alaska. We're all familiar with our good friend in the Senate, the lovably cantankerous Ted Stevens. ... It turns out the FBI and the IRS want to even get more familiar with Ted Stevens. Yesterday, the FBI and the IRS raided the noted technology guru's home. The raid ... was part of an investigation into claims Stevens has accepted gifts from an oil company in exchange for getting it lucrative state contracts. ... Investigators seemed especially interested in Steven's wine collection, taking photos of both the cases of wine and individual bottles, including his private stock of Chateau de $1,000 in cash. Which, as you know, goes great with anything ... that costs $1,000." --Jon Stewart
+++++++++++++++++++
An accordion, a set of bagpipes, and a viola
If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first? Who cares?
+++++++++++++++++++
US Army private filling out a questionnaire ...
A US Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, “How long has your present employer been in business?” He thought for a moment, and then wrote, “Since 1776.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Cuff Links
The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard. "They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Registration
On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at
a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear-
view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I
handed the officer my license and made small talk while my
wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my
wife handed me the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said
gruffly, "this is not your registration."
It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in
Florida.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cab RideOn a business trip to India, I arrived at the airport in Delhi and took a taxi to my hotel, where I was greeted by my hospitable Indian host.The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars U.S. for the fare. It seemed reasonable, so I started to hand him the money. But my host grabbed the bills and initiated a verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a worthless parasite and a disgrace to their country for trying to overcharge visitors. My host threw half the amount at the driver and told him never to return. As the taxi sped off, my host gave me the remaining bills and asked, "How was your trip?""Fine ... until you chased the cab away with my luggage in the trunk."
+++++++++++++++++++
"A 94-year-old great-great grandmother has become the oldest
person in the world to earn a Masters degree. She says she
plans to continue her education. Everyone is excited for the
94 year old, except her student loan officer." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Soccer mania is sweeping the nation with the arrival of
David Beckham. He got a $250 million deal to play for the
L.A. Galaxy. Two hundred and fifty million is a lot for a
sport people want to see...never mind soccer." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
"Supreme Court Justice John Roberts is back on the bench,
even though he is prone to seizures. When President Bush
heard this, he said, 'That's great 'cause I'm prone to
illegal searches'" -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
A grocer put up a sign that read: "Eggplants, 25¢ each or
three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming, "Don't be
ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and
finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the
mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that
sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the
blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his
way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four
catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and
throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"Why's that?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if
you came by, I should tell you to get the roughy. She
prefers that for supper tonight."
+++++++++++++++++++
Haircut
Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.
+++++++++++++++++++
I put some turnips, his least-favorite vegetable, on my eleven-year-old
son's dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his
plate, except for the turnip.
I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have been
left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.
Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible."
+++++++++++++++++++
I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class
was over.
is constantly harassed by prank phone calls. Potter thinks
the calls are coming from his neighbor down the street,
Joey Voldermort." -Conan O'Brien
***
"It was this week in 1974 that Richard Nixon resigned the
presidency after getting caught lying and violating the
Constitution. Remember when that kind of thing used to get
you kicked out of office?" -Jay Leno
***
"Smokey the Bear turns 47 today. I never trusted Smokey the
Bear. Kids, if you see a bear wearing a ranger's hat, it's
because the bear ate the ranger!" -Craig Ferguson
+++++++++++++++++++
I was working in a scrap yard during summer vacation at
engineering university. I worked repairing construction
equipment.
One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had
some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts
had corroded on to the bolt; to free it I started heating
the nut with an oxyacetylene torch. As I was doing this,
one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along.
He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if
I heated the nut it would grow larger and release its grip
on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
"Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and
shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I
always wondered about that," he said.
+++++++++++++++++++
The receptionist for the company where I'm employed found
some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a co-worker.
She sent out an e-mail: "If anybody can say where he/she
lost $66, please let me know, and it will be returned."
Within minutes one employee replied, "Super Bowl, 2005."
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips From Late Night
"Hillary Clinton ... is upset right now with a columnist from the Washington Post's 'Fashion' section. The columnist pointed out that Hillary showed a little cleavage during a speech that she made on the Senate floor. ... Who'd have ever thought a controversy involving a Clinton and cleavage would be about Hillary?" --Jimmy Kimmel "A scary incident yesterday for the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts. Luckily, he's okay. ... He collapsed to the ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right. ... For the young people, do you know who John Roberts is? He is our most important judge ... right after Simon Cowell." --Jay Leno "Are you talking about how sexy Hillary Clinton looks? ... Everybody's talking about it. She's dressing so much sexier. Folks down in Washington in the Capitol building say they haven't seen this much cleavage in the Senate since Ted Kennedy" --David Letterman "Just days after having a heart procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney appeared this evening on 'Larry King Live.' Doctors say he looked old, pale and sickly. And so did Cheney." --Conan O'Brien "Happy Birthday to our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old. You can tell he's getting up there. Remember when he used to say things like, 'I'll be back'? Now he says, 'Ow, my back.'" --Jay Leno "Former President Bill Clinton recently said that if Hillary is elected president, he would be glad to serve as a roving ambassador. Clinton added, 'I've already got the roving part down.'" --Conan O'Brien "Shocking news from ... Alaska. We're all familiar with our good friend in the Senate, the lovably cantankerous Ted Stevens. ... It turns out the FBI and the IRS want to even get more familiar with Ted Stevens. Yesterday, the FBI and the IRS raided the noted technology guru's home. The raid ... was part of an investigation into claims Stevens has accepted gifts from an oil company in exchange for getting it lucrative state contracts. ... Investigators seemed especially interested in Steven's wine collection, taking photos of both the cases of wine and individual bottles, including his private stock of Chateau de $1,000 in cash. Which, as you know, goes great with anything ... that costs $1,000." --Jon Stewart
+++++++++++++++++++
An accordion, a set of bagpipes, and a viola
If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first? Who cares?
+++++++++++++++++++
US Army private filling out a questionnaire ...
A US Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, “How long has your present employer been in business?” He thought for a moment, and then wrote, “Since 1776.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Cuff Links
The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard. "They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Registration
On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at
a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear-
view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I
handed the officer my license and made small talk while my
wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my
wife handed me the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said
gruffly, "this is not your registration."
It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in
Florida.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cab RideOn a business trip to India, I arrived at the airport in Delhi and took a taxi to my hotel, where I was greeted by my hospitable Indian host.The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars U.S. for the fare. It seemed reasonable, so I started to hand him the money. But my host grabbed the bills and initiated a verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a worthless parasite and a disgrace to their country for trying to overcharge visitors. My host threw half the amount at the driver and told him never to return. As the taxi sped off, my host gave me the remaining bills and asked, "How was your trip?""Fine ... until you chased the cab away with my luggage in the trunk."
+++++++++++++++++++
"A 94-year-old great-great grandmother has become the oldest
person in the world to earn a Masters degree. She says she
plans to continue her education. Everyone is excited for the
94 year old, except her student loan officer." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Soccer mania is sweeping the nation with the arrival of
David Beckham. He got a $250 million deal to play for the
L.A. Galaxy. Two hundred and fifty million is a lot for a
sport people want to see...never mind soccer." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
"Supreme Court Justice John Roberts is back on the bench,
even though he is prone to seizures. When President Bush
heard this, he said, 'That's great 'cause I'm prone to
illegal searches'" -Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
A grocer put up a sign that read: "Eggplants, 25¢ each or
three for a dollar."
All day long, customers came in exclaiming, "Don't be
ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"
Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants.
The tailor next door had been watching these antics and
finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the
mistake on your sign?"
"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that
sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the
blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his
way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four
catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and
throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"Why's that?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if
you came by, I should tell you to get the roughy. She
prefers that for supper tonight."
+++++++++++++++++++
Haircut
Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.
+++++++++++++++++++
I put some turnips, his least-favorite vegetable, on my eleven-year-old
son's dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his
plate, except for the turnip.
I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have been
left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.
Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible."
+++++++++++++++++++
I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class
was over.
Monday, August 20, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 20th
Name Spelling
It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud. When she came to a young Pakistani boy and asked his name, he replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee." "How do you spell that?" asked the teacher. "My mother helps me," said the little boy.
+++++++++++++++++++
Near Death Experience
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live," Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God (again), she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognize you!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Need A Lift Version 1
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're folks are from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
Need A Lift Version 2
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. "You must mean the lift," he said. "No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator." "Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts". "Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator." "Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language".
+++++++++++++++++++
"On a recent Continental flight, a flight attendant kicked a
mother and baby off the plane because the baby was too loud.
They must have been loud, because the mother and baby were
kicked off somewhere over Kansas." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Another scorching day. They say this heat is either due to
global warming or because it's July. They are not quite sure."
-Jay Leno
***
"David and Victoria Beckham arrived in L.A. from England
last week. She's the former Spice Girl, he's the famous
soccer player. I guess we're supposed to be excited about
this, even though we don't care about soccer or the Spice
Girls." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
Knowing that photography was a passion of mine, my cousin
asked if I'd take her wedding pictures. I agreed, but
instantly became a nervous wreck. Would the photos be in
focus? Would she like the composition? Could I get a shot
of everyone?
Finally my wife heard enough. "Stop worrying about it!"
she said. "If they'd wanted a real photographer they would
have gotten one."
+++++++++++++++++++
As team leader of the Police Tactics and Rescue Unit, I
directed officers late one night to strategic positions
around a building where a dangerous suspect was hiding.
Believing the culprit to be on the roof, I decided to have
an officer shine his flash-light in that direction on my
command.
At just the right moment, I whispered to him, "Okay, throw
a light on the roof."
The officer hurled his flashlight to the top of the building.
+++++++++++++++++++
More Words
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000." Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say." The husband said "What?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A trio of old veterans
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
+++++++++++++++++++
Flakey Murder
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there. "What happened?" asks the first officer. "Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail." "Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?" "You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Algebraic symbols
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two men were talking. The first says, "My wife has the worst memory I ever
heard of."
The second man replies, "Forgets everything, eh?"
"No, she remembers everything."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Ferrari F1 Racing Team recently fired the whole pit crew to employ some
young unemployed youths from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was
brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area
can remove a set of car wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper
equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won and lost
in the pits these days, and Ferrari would thus have an advantage.
However, Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only were the lads
changing the tires in under 4 seconds but within another 10 seconds had
repainted, renumbered and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team.
+++++++++++++++++++
Nostalgia: A sentiment that combines yesterday's prices and today's incomes.
It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud. When she came to a young Pakistani boy and asked his name, he replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee." "How do you spell that?" asked the teacher. "My mother helps me," said the little boy.
+++++++++++++++++++
Near Death Experience
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live," Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God (again), she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, "Sorry about that, I just didn't recognize you!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Need A Lift Version 1
As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "They're folks are from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."
Need A Lift Version 2
An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. "You must mean the lift," he said. "No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator." "Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts". "Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator." "Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language".
+++++++++++++++++++
"On a recent Continental flight, a flight attendant kicked a
mother and baby off the plane because the baby was too loud.
They must have been loud, because the mother and baby were
kicked off somewhere over Kansas." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Another scorching day. They say this heat is either due to
global warming or because it's July. They are not quite sure."
-Jay Leno
***
"David and Victoria Beckham arrived in L.A. from England
last week. She's the former Spice Girl, he's the famous
soccer player. I guess we're supposed to be excited about
this, even though we don't care about soccer or the Spice
Girls." -Jimmy Kimmel
+++++++++++++++++++
Knowing that photography was a passion of mine, my cousin
asked if I'd take her wedding pictures. I agreed, but
instantly became a nervous wreck. Would the photos be in
focus? Would she like the composition? Could I get a shot
of everyone?
Finally my wife heard enough. "Stop worrying about it!"
she said. "If they'd wanted a real photographer they would
have gotten one."
+++++++++++++++++++
As team leader of the Police Tactics and Rescue Unit, I
directed officers late one night to strategic positions
around a building where a dangerous suspect was hiding.
Believing the culprit to be on the roof, I decided to have
an officer shine his flash-light in that direction on my
command.
At just the right moment, I whispered to him, "Okay, throw
a light on the roof."
The officer hurled his flashlight to the top of the building.
+++++++++++++++++++
More Words
A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000." Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results. The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say." The husband said "What?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A trio of old veterans
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. "My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh." "Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn." "I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know. "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
+++++++++++++++++++
Flakey Murder
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there. "What happened?" asks the first officer. "Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail." "Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?" "You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Algebraic symbols
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two men were talking. The first says, "My wife has the worst memory I ever
heard of."
The second man replies, "Forgets everything, eh?"
"No, she remembers everything."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Ferrari F1 Racing Team recently fired the whole pit crew to employ some
young unemployed youths from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was
brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area
can remove a set of car wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper
equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won and lost
in the pits these days, and Ferrari would thus have an advantage.
However, Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only were the lads
changing the tires in under 4 seconds but within another 10 seconds had
repainted, renumbered and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team.
+++++++++++++++++++
Nostalgia: A sentiment that combines yesterday's prices and today's incomes.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 19th
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress
depends on the unreasonable man." - George Bernard Shaw
+++++++++++++++++++
Find out about the cat
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Unsanitary conditions
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Wednesday, October 21, 1992The local board of health closed down the Wing Wah Chinese restaurant in South Dennis, Mass., briefly in August for various violations.The most serious, said officials, was the restaurant's practice of draining water from cabbage by putting it in cloth laundry bags, placing them between two pieces of plywood in the parking lot, and driving over them with a van.Said Health Director Ted Dumas, "I've seen everything now."
+++++++++++++++++++
Massive ball of hair
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.December 18, 1992Three maintenance workers in Alexandria, Ind., fixed a massive street-flooding problem in October when they pulled a 200-pound hairball from a manhole. Said one of the men, "We thought we had a goat."
+++++++++++++++++++
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails. "Great idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day. "I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said. "Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick." "What did you do?" "I hid his teeth!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Naval Efficiency
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Navy Experience
The younger readers will probably not relate to this, however anyone who has spent a hitch in the military, especially the Navy or Coast Guard, will find this all-too-familiar. Most of it was emailed to Dan by a friend and he added some comments from his own experiences. Reminds me of all those months where my rack (that's a bed) was right next to a steam line ..... - Tom * * * * * * I am speaking today on behalf of those of us who have family members that think we live (or lived) a "TOP GUN" existence. You know, those relatives who have watched one too many episodes of JAG, and think that Navy life is glamorous. I have a few suggestions for these people on how they can experience Navy life, right in the comfort of their own homes. 1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight. Have someone move it around during the days AND the nights. 2. Run all of your house piping and wires on the outside of the walls. 3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, rank water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray". You must then pump this kind of nasty water back into and out of your basement twice a day. 4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run-down, trashiest bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold. 5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower. Have your father-in-law "spot-check" you every four weeks and give you an assessment of your technique. 6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured. 7. Raise your bed to within 12 inches of the ceiling. 8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5:00 a.m., and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up". 9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then you take a ladder at 6:00 a.m., climb up to your roof, then back down, and then stand in the back yard at attention until 6:25 so she can come out and read it to you. 10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads "Secured - contact OA DIV at ext.. -3053". 11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave your house before 3:00 p.m. 12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home ... you can't leave until the next day. 13. Shower together with above-mentioned friends. No one can use more than 60 seconds of worth of shower water, and you can only use hand-towels to dry off. 14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc). Make sure they get signatures for each step of operation, and then give them an oral review conducted by three other previously-qualified operators before allowing them to operate the appliance. 15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every fifteen minutes. Check the oil and transmission fluid levels once every four hours even if the car has not been started. Record your readings in a log. 16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off". 17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway three times a day, whether they need it or not. 18. Repaint your entire house once a month. 19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on. 20. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5th item. 21. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel. 22. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears. 23. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants. 24. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted. 25. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers. 26. Have your son power-nail the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed. Then yell at him for not doing his job when he stops to explain that you told him to do it. 27. When your children have been in bed for 3 hours, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. Have them do it over again if they are not dressed and on station in four minutes. 28. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line at the front door for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but that you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more and they just ask for hot dogs. 29. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. 30. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been postponed due to the fact that they need to get ready for E-cert, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house. After the week is over, tell them that you no longer have any room in the budget for a trip to Disneyland, but that the garage needs painting and that should give them some much needed time in the fresh air.
+++++++++++++++++++
Navy Way
A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after he had completed boot camp, he was invited to be in a friend's wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday. "You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding." The officer replied, "No, YOU don't understand. You're in the Navy."
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress
depends on the unreasonable man." - George Bernard Shaw
+++++++++++++++++++
Find out about the cat
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Unsanitary conditions
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Wednesday, October 21, 1992The local board of health closed down the Wing Wah Chinese restaurant in South Dennis, Mass., briefly in August for various violations.The most serious, said officials, was the restaurant's practice of draining water from cabbage by putting it in cloth laundry bags, placing them between two pieces of plywood in the parking lot, and driving over them with a van.Said Health Director Ted Dumas, "I've seen everything now."
+++++++++++++++++++
Massive ball of hair
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.December 18, 1992Three maintenance workers in Alexandria, Ind., fixed a massive street-flooding problem in October when they pulled a 200-pound hairball from a manhole. Said one of the men, "We thought we had a goat."
+++++++++++++++++++
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails. "Great idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day. "I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said. "Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick." "What did you do?" "I hid his teeth!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Naval Efficiency
A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Navy Experience
The younger readers will probably not relate to this, however anyone who has spent a hitch in the military, especially the Navy or Coast Guard, will find this all-too-familiar. Most of it was emailed to Dan by a friend and he added some comments from his own experiences. Reminds me of all those months where my rack (that's a bed) was right next to a steam line ..... - Tom * * * * * * I am speaking today on behalf of those of us who have family members that think we live (or lived) a "TOP GUN" existence. You know, those relatives who have watched one too many episodes of JAG, and think that Navy life is glamorous. I have a few suggestions for these people on how they can experience Navy life, right in the comfort of their own homes. 1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight. Have someone move it around during the days AND the nights. 2. Run all of your house piping and wires on the outside of the walls. 3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, rank water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray". You must then pump this kind of nasty water back into and out of your basement twice a day. 4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run-down, trashiest bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold. 5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower. Have your father-in-law "spot-check" you every four weeks and give you an assessment of your technique. 6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured. 7. Raise your bed to within 12 inches of the ceiling. 8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5:00 a.m., and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up". 9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then you take a ladder at 6:00 a.m., climb up to your roof, then back down, and then stand in the back yard at attention until 6:25 so she can come out and read it to you. 10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours, and hang a sign on it that reads "Secured - contact OA DIV at ext.. -3053". 11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave your house before 3:00 p.m. 12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, and since you're on duty, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home ... you can't leave until the next day. 13. Shower together with above-mentioned friends. No one can use more than 60 seconds of worth of shower water, and you can only use hand-towels to dry off. 14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc). Make sure they get signatures for each step of operation, and then give them an oral review conducted by three other previously-qualified operators before allowing them to operate the appliance. 15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every fifteen minutes. Check the oil and transmission fluid levels once every four hours even if the car has not been started. Record your readings in a log. 16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off". 17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway three times a day, whether they need it or not. 18. Repaint your entire house once a month. 19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on. 20. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, randomly losing every 5th item. 21. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel. 22. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears. 23. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants. 24. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted. 25. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers. 26. Have your son power-nail the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed. Then yell at him for not doing his job when he stops to explain that you told him to do it. 27. When your children have been in bed for 3 hours, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. Have them do it over again if they are not dressed and on station in four minutes. 28. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line at the front door for at least an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but that you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more and they just ask for hot dogs. 29. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals. 30. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty". When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been postponed due to the fact that they need to get ready for E-cert, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house. After the week is over, tell them that you no longer have any room in the budget for a trip to Disneyland, but that the garage needs painting and that should give them some much needed time in the fresh air.
+++++++++++++++++++
Navy Way
A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after he had completed boot camp, he was invited to be in a friend's wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday. "You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding." The officer replied, "No, YOU don't understand. You're in the Navy."
Saturday, August 18, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 18th
Night Watchman
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11). Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08). Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," so they laid off the night watchman.
+++++++++++++++++++
Interesting Quotes
If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" -Delta Burke Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. -Bill Cosby My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. -Tim Allen We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. -Phyllis Diller Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -Tim Allen If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor
+++++++++++++++++++
No Talking
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me." He looked confused. "What are you talking about?" "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged. "No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
+++++++++++++++++++
Stained Glass
A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture. And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..." It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.
+++++++++++++++++++
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
+++++++++++++++++++
Kitchen CryHoward came home from work one evening and there was his wife Miriam in the kitchen crying out loud."What's the matter, darling?" he asked her."I just don't know what to do," said Miriam. "Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner - but the dog has just eaten it.""Don't worry," said Howard, "I'll get us another dog."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lawyers and computers
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
+++++++++++++++++++
Christmas Story
Little Vernie returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents. As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Bad Leg
A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?" The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in my books," he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
+++++++++++++++++++
6th Grade History
Examples of creativity provided by a 6th grade class during history tests: 1. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. 2. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 3. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklinnwere to 2 singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "a horse divided against itself can not stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 4. Abraham Lincoln was America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation . On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in the moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a suposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. 5. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. 6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
+++++++++++++++++++
"What do you have to do to become a doctor?" my six-year-old granddaughter
once asked.
Her dad, seeing an opportunity, said, "You have to do extremely well in
school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, make
the highest grades possible, and then go to med school, and follow that with
an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you
are, you can be anything you want to be."
Erin gave all this a moment's thought and then asked, "What do you have to
do to be queen?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the
London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide.
The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.
The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which
destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11). Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08). Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost," so they laid off the night watchman.
+++++++++++++++++++
Interesting Quotes
If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" -Delta Burke Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. -Bill Cosby My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. -Tim Allen We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. -Phyllis Diller Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -Tim Allen If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor
+++++++++++++++++++
No Talking
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. "Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me." He looked confused. "What are you talking about?" "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged. "No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
+++++++++++++++++++
Stained Glass
A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture. And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..." It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.
+++++++++++++++++++
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
+++++++++++++++++++
Kitchen CryHoward came home from work one evening and there was his wife Miriam in the kitchen crying out loud."What's the matter, darling?" he asked her."I just don't know what to do," said Miriam. "Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner - but the dog has just eaten it.""Don't worry," said Howard, "I'll get us another dog."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lawyers and computers
Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
+++++++++++++++++++
Christmas Story
Little Vernie returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents. As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Bad Leg
A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?" The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in my books," he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.
+++++++++++++++++++
6th Grade History
Examples of creativity provided by a 6th grade class during history tests: 1. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. 2. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 3. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklinnwere to 2 singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "a horse divided against itself can not stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 4. Abraham Lincoln was America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation . On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in the moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a suposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. 5. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. 6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
+++++++++++++++++++
"What do you have to do to become a doctor?" my six-year-old granddaughter
once asked.
Her dad, seeing an opportunity, said, "You have to do extremely well in
school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, make
the highest grades possible, and then go to med school, and follow that with
an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you
are, you can be anything you want to be."
Erin gave all this a moment's thought and then asked, "What do you have to
do to be queen?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the
London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide.
The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.
The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which
destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
Friday, August 17, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 17th
Fifty-Fifty
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn using the teeth."
+++++++++++++++++++
A New Kind of Car
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Many Uses of Coca-Cola
1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident. 2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days. 3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coke into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. 4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china. 5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola. 6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. 7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. 8. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy. 9. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. FYI: 1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It's pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. 2. To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials. 3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Drink up!
+++++++++++++++++++
Can I Help?
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking." The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
+++++++++++++++++++
A new senate page was reporting for duty on Capitol Hill in Washington. The
department head who was giving him his instructions said, "You must
remember the telephone number here. If you are ever calling from an outside
line you must dial Capitol 4-3121." Then, noticing the puzzled look on the
page's face, he said, "What's the matter? You look as though you don't
understand."
"Oh, nothing's the matter," the page said. "I just don't know how to dial a
capital four."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tiring of the same old buzz cut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New
Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut. The hairdresser noticed my
accent and asked where I was from. "Trinidad," I said.
"Is that in Arabia?"
"The Caribbean."
She laughed, "Sorry, I never was very good at geometry."
+++++++++++++++++++
"To err is dysfunctional, to forgive co-dependent." - Berton Averre
+++++++++++++++++++
Danny Boy went to a psychiatrist
" I got problems. Ever time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do ya charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor." "I'll sleep on it," said Danny Boy. Six months later the doctor met Danny Boy on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is an awful lotta money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new used pick-em-up truck!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me ta cut the legs off the bed! - Tain't nobody under there now !!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
First SaluteThe first salute received by a freshly commissioned Second Lieutenant is always significant. It's symbolizes authority and prestige.When I pinned on my new Air Force gold bars and stepped out to face the world, I encountered a staff sergeant.He gave me a snappy salute and said, "Good morning, Lieutenant. Your hat is on backwards, sir."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."
--Joseph Heller
***
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are
good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you
are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey
***
"Some folks are wise and some are otherwise." --Tobias
George Smolett
+++++++++++++++++++
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three
sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest
boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the
youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty
of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and
drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17,
making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the
second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got
one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle,
having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove
home.
+++++++++++++++++++
A visitor to New York rushed from the airport into a waiting
taxi, trying to keep dry in the heavy downpour.
"Can you think of anything worse," grumbled the visitor,
"than raining cats and dogs in New York?"
"Sure," said the cab driver. "Hailing taxis!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Church Bulletin Bloopers
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last
bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to
read '12 noon.' "
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to
participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a
minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will
include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday
night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person
is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a
covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field
trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional
volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato
chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp.
We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for
sale, in good running order.
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn using the teeth."
+++++++++++++++++++
A New Kind of Car
Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?"one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Many Uses of Coca-Cola
1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident. 2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days. 3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coke into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. 4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china. 5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola. 6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. 7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. 8. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy. 9. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield. FYI: 1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It's pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. 2. To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials. 3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Drink up!
+++++++++++++++++++
Can I Help?
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking." The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
+++++++++++++++++++
A new senate page was reporting for duty on Capitol Hill in Washington. The
department head who was giving him his instructions said, "You must
remember the telephone number here. If you are ever calling from an outside
line you must dial Capitol 4-3121." Then, noticing the puzzled look on the
page's face, he said, "What's the matter? You look as though you don't
understand."
"Oh, nothing's the matter," the page said. "I just don't know how to dial a
capital four."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tiring of the same old buzz cut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New
Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut. The hairdresser noticed my
accent and asked where I was from. "Trinidad," I said.
"Is that in Arabia?"
"The Caribbean."
She laughed, "Sorry, I never was very good at geometry."
+++++++++++++++++++
"To err is dysfunctional, to forgive co-dependent." - Berton Averre
+++++++++++++++++++
Danny Boy went to a psychiatrist
" I got problems. Ever time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do ya charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor." "I'll sleep on it," said Danny Boy. Six months later the doctor met Danny Boy on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist. "Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year is an awful lotta money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new used pick-em-up truck!" "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me ta cut the legs off the bed! - Tain't nobody under there now !!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
First SaluteThe first salute received by a freshly commissioned Second Lieutenant is always significant. It's symbolizes authority and prestige.When I pinned on my new Air Force gold bars and stepped out to face the world, I encountered a staff sergeant.He gave me a snappy salute and said, "Good morning, Lieutenant. Your hat is on backwards, sir."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity,
and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."
--Joseph Heller
***
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are
good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you
are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey
***
"Some folks are wise and some are otherwise." --Tobias
George Smolett
+++++++++++++++++++
A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three
sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest
boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the
youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognizing the difficulty
of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.
Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and
drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17,
making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the
second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got
one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle,
having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove
home.
+++++++++++++++++++
A visitor to New York rushed from the airport into a waiting
taxi, trying to keep dry in the heavy downpour.
"Can you think of anything worse," grumbled the visitor,
"than raining cats and dogs in New York?"
"Sure," said the cab driver. "Hailing taxis!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Church Bulletin Bloopers
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last
bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to
read '12 noon.' "
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to
participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a
minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will
include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday
night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person
is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a
covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field
trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional
volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato
chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp.
We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for
sale, in good running order.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
hUMOR For Aug 16th
As a language teacher, I usually award certificates of merit
to deserving students. One year I decided to change the
format of the certificates and use a seal stamped with my
initials.
I called a number of places to buy sealing wax, but they all
had identical reactions...a long silence followed by an
apology for not having any in stock.
On my last call there was the silence, but then the salesman
asked, "Why ceiling as opposed to floor?"
+++++++++++++++++++
New Employee Orientation
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech
company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says,
"You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money
here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat.
So don't trouble any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all
working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you;
however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you
know what happened to him?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to
the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating
Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice
anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Those who don't know
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!
+++++++++++++++++++
Tree Fellers Wanted
Billy and Pa' were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted." One of them said, "Ye know, it
+++++++++++++++++++
Two lawyers were negotiating a case ...
Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case. “Look,” said one to the other, “let's be honest with each other.” “Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
+++++++++++++++++++
CIA Job
A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."
+++++++++++++++++++
The 'Rules of Southern Living' are as follows!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4 They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 goes east and west, I-75 goes north and south. Pick one. 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8 Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age or looks. 11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup!
13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish. 16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays. 17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump
crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore
than we want to see your boxers!
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Day SilenceMy wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!""What's the matter?" I asked."There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.""That'll teach them!" I replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
"The latest rumor is that Angelina Jolie threw a glass of
wine in Brad Pitt's face during an argument, and they're
thinking of splitting up. If that happens, she'll get the
kids from Asia, Europe, and Australia; he gets the kids
from Africa, South America, and Greenland." -Conan O'Brien
***
"David Beckham and Posh Spice have got a new perfume coming
out. It's called 'Intimately Beckham.' Apparently, it's a
delicate combination of anorexic breath and athlete's foot."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"On this date in 1888, Theo Van Kannel invented the revolving
door. So, you have him to thank for New York's criminal
justice system." -Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and
marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding
what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister
asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband."
And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to
be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
+++++++++++++++++++
Before I could enroll in my company's medical insurance plan,
I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form
was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.
One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the
emergency room within the next three months?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Dancing Duck
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"Oh?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Where's Mommy?
One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that
his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did
Mommy go?"
In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a
Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled,
he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Daddy?"
The man had always given his son honest answers, so he
figured a simple explanation would be the best approach.
"Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of
ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious
pastime.
Then he burst out into laughter and said, "Come on, Dad!
What is it really?"
to deserving students. One year I decided to change the
format of the certificates and use a seal stamped with my
initials.
I called a number of places to buy sealing wax, but they all
had identical reactions...a long silence followed by an
apology for not having any in stock.
On my last call there was the silence, but then the salesman
asked, "Why ceiling as opposed to floor?"
+++++++++++++++++++
New Employee Orientation
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech
company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says,
"You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money
here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat.
So don't trouble any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all
working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you;
however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you
know what happened to him?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to
the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating
Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice
anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Those who don't know
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become unit managers!
+++++++++++++++++++
Tree Fellers Wanted
Billy and Pa' were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted." One of them said, "Ye know, it
+++++++++++++++++++
Two lawyers were negotiating a case ...
Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case. “Look,” said one to the other, “let's be honest with each other.” “Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
+++++++++++++++++++
CIA Job
A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor. As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."
+++++++++++++++++++
The 'Rules of Southern Living' are as follows!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. 2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked. 3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. 4 They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10 goes east and west, I-75 goes north and south. Pick one. 5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year. 6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. 8 Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. 9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. 10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age or looks. 11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey. 12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup!
13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. 14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. 15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish. 16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays. 17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump
crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore
than we want to see your boxers!
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Day SilenceMy wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!""What's the matter?" I asked."There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight.""That'll teach them!" I replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
"The latest rumor is that Angelina Jolie threw a glass of
wine in Brad Pitt's face during an argument, and they're
thinking of splitting up. If that happens, she'll get the
kids from Asia, Europe, and Australia; he gets the kids
from Africa, South America, and Greenland." -Conan O'Brien
***
"David Beckham and Posh Spice have got a new perfume coming
out. It's called 'Intimately Beckham.' Apparently, it's a
delicate combination of anorexic breath and athlete's foot."
-Craig Ferguson
***
"On this date in 1888, Theo Van Kannel invented the revolving
door. So, you have him to thank for New York's criminal
justice system." -Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and
marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding
what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister
asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband."
And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to
be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
+++++++++++++++++++
Before I could enroll in my company's medical insurance plan,
I needed to fill out a questionnaire. As expected, the form
was very thorough, leaving nothing to chance.
One question asked, "Do you think you may need to go to the
emergency room within the next three months?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Dancing Duck
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"Oh?" asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Where's Mommy?
One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that
his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did
Mommy go?"
In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a
Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled,
he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Daddy?"
The man had always given his son honest answers, so he
figured a simple explanation would be the best approach.
"Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of
ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious
pastime.
Then he burst out into laughter and said, "Come on, Dad!
What is it really?"
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
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