Speed TrapVIP preferential treatment for high flyers...
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. “You know,” he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?” The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.” Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 80 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”The supervisor asked, “Is it the Governor?”The young trooper said, “No, he's more important than that.”The supervisor said, “Oh, so it's the President.”The young trooper said, “No, he's even more important than that.”The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”The young trooper said, “I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Bad Day DriverShort tempers lead to tall problems...
I had a really bad day last week. I inadvertently rear ended a van.When we pulled over and got out, imagine my surprise when I discovered that the other driver was a dwarf.As he approached with a sour look on his face, he looked up at me and said, “I am not happy!”I couldn't help myself. I asked him, “Well then, which one are you?”That's when the fight started...
+++++++++++++++++++
"Return Policy"
The store's policy on returns was prominently posted at every register as well as throughout the store. Every receipt also had the same information. A store credit would be given on all returns, but there were no cash refunds.
After explaining this policy to the grouchy dowager, the woman blew up at the clerk, finally demanding the name of the President and his address. The clerk replied George Bush, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.
The woman promptly wrote this information down and stuffed it into her purse. "He will hear from me!" she announced as she stormed out of the store.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"To vacillate or not to vacillate - that is the question...or is it?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Clown Bite"
Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care.
But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different.
Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope.
Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg.
Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth.
For Trouser had learned that a mime is a terrible thing to taste.
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1907 to 2007: Century of Change
[The year is 1907 - one hundred years ago. Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1907...]The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years. Only 14% of the homes had a bathtub. Only 8% of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00.There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S. and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. More than 95% of all births took place at home. 90% of all U.S. doctors had no college education. Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and the government as “substandard.” Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering into their country for any reason. Five leading causes of death were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30.Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents. California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet. There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day. Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.”18% of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years to email someone...
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Church Squirrels
There were five country Churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic and Jewish. Each Church was overrun with pesky squirrels.The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.In the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.The Methodist Church, after much prayer, decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. The Catholic Church baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the Church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called 'circumcision', and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
Hillary's Baby
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious - here she is in the middle of her first run for president, and as Senator of New York this has happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming. “How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?” There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.She screams again, “Did you hear me?”Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, “Who is this?”
Logic, Math & Reasoning Quotes
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. – Paul ErdosA statistician can have his head in the oven and his feet in ice, and on average he feels fine. – AnonymousDefendit numerus: There is safety in numbers. - AnonymousErrors using inadequate data are much less than those using no data at all. – Charles BabbageExpert: a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a very narrow field. – Niels BohrFor every problem, there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong. – Henry MenckenGod does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically. – Albert EinsteinHe who cannot describe the problem will never find the solution to that problem. - ConfuciusI think of lotteries as a tax on the mathematically challenged. – Roger JonesIf it’s green, it’s biology. If it stinks, it’s chemistry. If it has numbers, it’s math. If it doesn’t work, it’s technology. – AnonymousImpossible only means that you haven’t found the solution yet. – (http://www.possibells.com/ - where 'All Things Are Possibell')If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle. – Rita Mae BrownLike dreams, statistics are a form of wish fulfillment. – Jean Baudrillard Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence. – Joseph KrutchMathematics consists of proving the most obvious thing in the least obvious way. – George PolyaMathematics is the science which uses easy words for hard ideas. – James Roy NewmanNot everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. – Albert EinsteinNumber theorists are like lotus-eaters – having once tasted of this food they can never give it up. – Leopold Kronecker‘Obvious’ is the most dangerous word in mathematics. – Eric T. BellOften statistics are used as a drunken man uses lamp posts… for support rather than illumination. – Andrew LangOld mathematicians never die, they just lose their functions. – AnonymousOld statisticians never die, they are just broken down by age and sex. – AnonymousPerfect numbers, like perfect men, are very rare. – René DescartesStatistician: A man who believes figures don’t lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won’t stand up either. – Evan EsarStatistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital. – Aaron LevensteinStatistics: the mathematical theory of ignorance. – Morris KlineStatistics: the only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions. – Evan EsarThe best defense against logic is ignorance. – Blaise PascalThe most painful thing about mathematics is how far away you are from being able to use it after you have learned it. – James NewmanThe real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers. – Sydney HarrisThe solution of every problem is another problem. – Johann Wolfgang von GoetheThe trouble with facts is that there are so many of them. – Samuel CrothersThere are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics. – Benjamin DisraeliThere’s no problem so big or complicated that it can’t be run away from. - Anonymous... click here for The Best Use of Logic ...
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Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
hUMOR For July 16th
Between The Pages
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Deal
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Christian Barber
A here was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door." Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen." Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Bible Answer
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 100 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
+++++++++++++++++++
Neutered?My friend Allison adopted a stray cat and took him to the vet to be neutered."I'm about 90 percent certain he's been fixed," the vet said."How can I be 100 percent sure?" Allison asked."Watch to see if he does any 'male' things.""He already lies on the couch all day," she said. "If he starts hogging the remote, I'll bring him in."
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit
they've tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of
American men actually need one." --Jay Leno
***
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music,
no choreography and the dancers hit each other."
--Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts
***
"I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but
when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check
my balance she leaned over and pushed me." --Unknown
+++++++++++++++++++
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came
upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about
the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you
laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work,
the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a
Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the
farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking
for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer,
"Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all ma'life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated
preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When is
it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher
replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his
brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my
wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three
days."
+++++++++++++++++++
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school
nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I
noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas.
"Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.
"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything
to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught
cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Theft in New Zealand
Police in New Zealand were mystified by the apparent theft
of a complete toilet bowl from a police station in Auckland.
When a local news reporter asked the police sergeant if they
had any leads, he replied, "At present we have nothing to go
on."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Q: What happened when the owl lost his voice?A: He didn't give a hoot! Q: What do you call a Scottish parrot?A: A Macaw! Q: What do you call a bird that lives underground?A: A mynah bird! Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?A: A great walkie-talkie!
+++++++++++++++++++
Good Pedigree
The lil' Columbia, Maryland Yuppette was shopping in an upscale pet center. "I want a dog of which I can be proud," she told the salesman. "Does that one have a good pedigree?" "Miss," declared the clerk, "if she could speak, she wouldn't talk to either one of us."
+++++++++++++++++++
Reindeer
According to the Alaskan Department of Fish and game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers 'till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl. We should've known! Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and NOT GET LOST.
+++++++++++++++++++
Mom's Time Out
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Deal
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Christian Barber
A here was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door." Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him. So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen." Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Bible Answer
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 100 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."
+++++++++++++++++++
Neutered?My friend Allison adopted a stray cat and took him to the vet to be neutered."I'm about 90 percent certain he's been fixed," the vet said."How can I be 100 percent sure?" Allison asked."Watch to see if he does any 'male' things.""He already lies on the couch all day," she said. "If he starts hogging the remote, I'll bring him in."
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit
they've tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of
American men actually need one." --Jay Leno
***
"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music,
no choreography and the dancers hit each other."
--Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts
***
"I ain't saying the customer service in my bank is bad, but
when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check
my balance she leaned over and pushed me." --Unknown
+++++++++++++++++++
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came
upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about
the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you
laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work,
the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a
Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the
farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking
for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer,
"Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all ma'life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated
preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When is
it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher
replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his
brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my
wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three
days."
+++++++++++++++++++
One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school
nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I
noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas.
"Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.
"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything
to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught
cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Theft in New Zealand
Police in New Zealand were mystified by the apparent theft
of a complete toilet bowl from a police station in Auckland.
When a local news reporter asked the police sergeant if they
had any leads, he replied, "At present we have nothing to go
on."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Q: What happened when the owl lost his voice?A: He didn't give a hoot! Q: What do you call a Scottish parrot?A: A Macaw! Q: What do you call a bird that lives underground?A: A mynah bird! Q: What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?A: A great walkie-talkie!
+++++++++++++++++++
Good Pedigree
The lil' Columbia, Maryland Yuppette was shopping in an upscale pet center. "I want a dog of which I can be proud," she told the salesman. "Does that one have a good pedigree?" "Miss," declared the clerk, "if she could speak, she wouldn't talk to either one of us."
+++++++++++++++++++
Reindeer
According to the Alaskan Department of Fish and game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers 'till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl. We should've known! Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and NOT GET LOST.
+++++++++++++++++++
Mom's Time Out
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
hUMOR For July 15th
A preacher was telling his Bible class the story of the Prodigal Son and wishing to emphasize the disagreeable attitude of the elder brother on that occasion, he especially stressed this portion of the parable.
After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, he spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in the jubilant spirit of the occasion.
"Can anybody in the class," he asked, "tell me who this was?"
A small boy, who had been listening sympathetically to the story, put up his hand.
"I know," he said beamingly. "It was the fatted calf."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rules for Visitors in Texas
Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. And don't assume that Waffle House grits are any more typical of grits in the Righteous South than McDonald's represents your best California dinner.
Don't laugh at folk's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Bobby Sue, MaryBeth and Inez have been known to whip a man's behind for less than that.
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a beating. Down here it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
Texas women don't take a fancy to smart mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have brothers and daddies. And when they call you a Yankee it's NOT a compliment.
Don't show allegiances to any other school in football other than a Texas team. All the others are a bunch of sissies who play Wyoming every week.
Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are better educated than you and a whole lot nicer to boot. And more modest.
Yes, we know the humidity is high; just quit complaining, spend your money and go home.
No, the state symbol of Texas is not the orange and white highway barrel. This road construction bothers us too.
Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this everyone will know you're from Ohio. Just eat the biscuits like God meant for you to do.
Don't try to talk with a Texas accent if you don't have one. Nothing makes us madder than a Texan wannabe.
Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home. If you don't like it here, get your sorry behind back home! As the famous bumpersticker says: "We don't care how you did it up north."
We don't play lacrosse or none of them other sissy northern games, so don't be asking about no scores, cause we just don't care.
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two businessmen went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The men looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
+++++++++++++++++++
TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES
Sag, You're It!
Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
Kick the Bucket.
Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
Doc, Doc Goose
Simon Says Something Incoherent
Hide and Go Pee
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners
+++++++++++++++++++
A policeman was interviewing a man whose store had just been robbed.
"It's bad," said the owner, "but it's not as bad as it would have been if he'd robbed me yesterday."
"Why is that?" the policeman asked.
"Because today everything was on sale," replied the relieved owner.
+++++++++++++++++++
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.
I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.
At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
+++++++++++++++++++
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice, "The big sissy."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Congressman is awakened in the middle of the night by his wife who whispers, "I think there's a thief in the house."
"Not in the House," her husband says. "Perhaps in the Senate, my dear, but not in the House."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Office Diet
How to Lose Weight Without Exercise:
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.
+++++++++++++++++++
The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a dog.
The man will be there to feed the dog and the dog will be there to keep the man from touching the computers.
+++++++++++++++++++
A penny-pinching old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Our man was walking down a dark alley when suddenly a mugger jumped at him.
"Your money or your life" the mugger barked.
"You mean I have a choice?!!" said our man. "Here take this…."
He pulled out his wallet and gave it to the mugger.
"And this…usually this is secret money". He removed his cap and flipped it around and there! Some more money! "Wait! Here is my card. Feel free to contact me whenever you have a cash crunch!"
The mugger left confused and dazed.
"Such a nice fellow!" sobbed our man. "He gave me a choice. At home I have no choice.... my wife takes them both."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Rare Book
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. "Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector. "Yes, that was it!" "You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!" "Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, he spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in the jubilant spirit of the occasion.
"Can anybody in the class," he asked, "tell me who this was?"
A small boy, who had been listening sympathetically to the story, put up his hand.
"I know," he said beamingly. "It was the fatted calf."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rules for Visitors in Texas
Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. And don't assume that Waffle House grits are any more typical of grits in the Righteous South than McDonald's represents your best California dinner.
Don't laugh at folk's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Bobby Sue, MaryBeth and Inez have been known to whip a man's behind for less than that.
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a beating. Down here it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
Texas women don't take a fancy to smart mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have brothers and daddies. And when they call you a Yankee it's NOT a compliment.
Don't show allegiances to any other school in football other than a Texas team. All the others are a bunch of sissies who play Wyoming every week.
Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are better educated than you and a whole lot nicer to boot. And more modest.
Yes, we know the humidity is high; just quit complaining, spend your money and go home.
No, the state symbol of Texas is not the orange and white highway barrel. This road construction bothers us too.
Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this everyone will know you're from Ohio. Just eat the biscuits like God meant for you to do.
Don't try to talk with a Texas accent if you don't have one. Nothing makes us madder than a Texan wannabe.
Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home. If you don't like it here, get your sorry behind back home! As the famous bumpersticker says: "We don't care how you did it up north."
We don't play lacrosse or none of them other sissy northern games, so don't be asking about no scores, cause we just don't care.
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two businessmen went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The men looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
+++++++++++++++++++
TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES
Sag, You're It!
Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
Kick the Bucket.
Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
Doc, Doc Goose
Simon Says Something Incoherent
Hide and Go Pee
Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners
+++++++++++++++++++
A policeman was interviewing a man whose store had just been robbed.
"It's bad," said the owner, "but it's not as bad as it would have been if he'd robbed me yesterday."
"Why is that?" the policeman asked.
"Because today everything was on sale," replied the relieved owner.
+++++++++++++++++++
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.
I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.
At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
+++++++++++++++++++
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice, "The big sissy."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Congressman is awakened in the middle of the night by his wife who whispers, "I think there's a thief in the house."
"Not in the House," her husband says. "Perhaps in the Senate, my dear, but not in the House."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Office Diet
How to Lose Weight Without Exercise:
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.
+++++++++++++++++++
The factory of the future will have two employees, a man and a dog.
The man will be there to feed the dog and the dog will be there to keep the man from touching the computers.
+++++++++++++++++++
A penny-pinching old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Our man was walking down a dark alley when suddenly a mugger jumped at him.
"Your money or your life" the mugger barked.
"You mean I have a choice?!!" said our man. "Here take this…."
He pulled out his wallet and gave it to the mugger.
"And this…usually this is secret money". He removed his cap and flipped it around and there! Some more money! "Wait! Here is my card. Feel free to contact me whenever you have a cash crunch!"
The mugger left confused and dazed.
"Such a nice fellow!" sobbed our man. "He gave me a choice. At home I have no choice.... my wife takes them both."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Rare Book
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. "Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector. "Yes, that was it!" "You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!" "Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."
Saturday, July 14, 2007
hUMOR For July 14th
"Experts in Washington say that if the coast guard's ships
aren't replaced soon, they will be unable to keep drugs and
illegal aliens from entering our country. God forbid that
should ever happen imagine what this place would be like
if illegal aliens and drugs were able to get in here?"
--Jay Leno
***
"Today California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a
speech on the dangers of global warming. His exact words
were, 'Fire...hot...bad!'" --Conan O'Brien
***
"It's graduation time in New York City and many of the
students here are honor students. Yes your honor, no your
honor, not guilty your honor." --Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a
diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I
followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished
recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific
and thought the diet was wonderful--we never even felt
hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it,
I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was:
"Serves 6."
+++++++++++++++++++
[I know this is an old one but the classics never die...they
just turn into eye-rollers.]
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam
consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas
the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam
would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer
after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout.
The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful
fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and
observe. So the next morning the two met at the dock and
took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the
lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see
how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite,
lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the
lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to
surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When
he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at
Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You
will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick
of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game
warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all
day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
+++++++++++++++++++
How Much?Two elderly gents met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies. The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth. On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?"The other old fellow replied, "All of it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Refrigerator Goals
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work. I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month." A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason." Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep." Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lawyer Choice
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?" "I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies. "Your hands? What do you mean?" "Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach
10. There are about 10 types of capacitors. 9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn't work. 8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook. 7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use. 6. Always try to fix the hardware with the software. 5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life. 4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay? 3. Engineers rule the world until the next revision. 2. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, then you should go into architecture. 1. Dilbert is a documentary.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Q: What kind of birds do you usually find locked up?A: Jail-birds! Q: How do you get a cut-price parrot?A: Plant bird seed! Q: Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?A: Because they're both full of stuffing! Q: What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?A: Fowl play! Q: What happens when ducks fly upside down?A: They quack up!
+++++++++++++++++++
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than
he did the library, so when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the
stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.
"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.
"Which one?" she asked.
Still scanning the shelves, he answered, "William."
+++++++++++++++++++
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an
older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported
carvings and petrified collectibles, as well as pick up after their pets.
One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor
beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up, and put them back on the
shelf. The next week, the same thing happened.
That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor, her faithful dog behind
her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase. "Nya," she asked the dog, "how
in the world do you keep getting your bones up there?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash
it.
+++++++++++++++++++
What Time Is It?
On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with
the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received
a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is
an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an
Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft,
it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on
the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine
Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to
'Happy Hour.'"
aren't replaced soon, they will be unable to keep drugs and
illegal aliens from entering our country. God forbid that
should ever happen imagine what this place would be like
if illegal aliens and drugs were able to get in here?"
--Jay Leno
***
"Today California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a
speech on the dangers of global warming. His exact words
were, 'Fire...hot...bad!'" --Conan O'Brien
***
"It's graduation time in New York City and many of the
students here are honor students. Yes your honor, no your
honor, not guilty your honor." --Dave Letterman
+++++++++++++++++++
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a
diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I
followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished
recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific
and thought the diet was wonderful--we never even felt
hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it,
I checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was:
"Serves 6."
+++++++++++++++++++
[I know this is an old one but the classics never die...they
just turn into eye-rollers.]
A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam
consistently caught more fish than anyone else, whereas
the other guys would only catch three or four a day. Sam
would come in off the lake with a boat full. Stringer
after stringer was always packed with freshly caught trout.
The warden, curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful
fisherman invited the game warden to accompany him and
observe. So the next morning the two met at the dock and
took off in Sam's boat. When they got to the middle of the
lake, Sam stopped the boat, and the warden sat back to see
how it was done.
Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of dynamite,
lit it, and threw it in the air. The explosion rocked the
lake with such a force that dead fish immediately began to
surface. Sam took out a net and started scooping them up.
Well, you can imagine the reaction of the game warden. When
he recovered from the shock of it all, he began yelling at
Sam. "You can't do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You
will be paying every fine there is in the book!"
Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another stick
of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of the game
warden with these words, "Are you going to sit there all
day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
+++++++++++++++++++
How Much?Two elderly gents met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies. The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth. On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?"The other old fellow replied, "All of it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Refrigerator Goals
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work. I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month." A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason." Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep." Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lawyer Choice
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?" In seconds, he chooses Paul. Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?" "I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies. "Your hands? What do you mean?" "Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach
10. There are about 10 types of capacitors. 9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it doesn't work. 8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook. 7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use. 6. Always try to fix the hardware with the software. 5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life. 4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay? 3. Engineers rule the world until the next revision. 2. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, then you should go into architecture. 1. Dilbert is a documentary.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Q: What kind of birds do you usually find locked up?A: Jail-birds! Q: How do you get a cut-price parrot?A: Plant bird seed! Q: Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?A: Because they're both full of stuffing! Q: What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?A: Fowl play! Q: What happens when ducks fly upside down?A: They quack up!
+++++++++++++++++++
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than
he did the library, so when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the
stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.
"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.
"Which one?" she asked.
Still scanning the shelves, he answered, "William."
+++++++++++++++++++
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an
older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported
carvings and petrified collectibles, as well as pick up after their pets.
One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor
beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up, and put them back on the
shelf. The next week, the same thing happened.
That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor, her faithful dog behind
her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase. "Nya," she asked the dog, "how
in the world do you keep getting your bones up there?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash
it.
+++++++++++++++++++
What Time Is It?
On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with
the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received
a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is
an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an
Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft,
it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on
the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine
Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to
'Happy Hour.'"
Friday, July 13, 2007
hUMOR For July 13th
Bad Leg
A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?" The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in my books," he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though," he continued. "Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
+++++++++++++++++++
Airline Rage
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Reasons Why Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen
They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run
out of gas.
Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes,
chains, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out
floorboard clouds your vision.
The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The
driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front
fender is yellow, etc.
The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being
chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with
duct tape.
Top speed is only about 45 mph.
Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000
in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.
It's hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.
+++++++++++++++++++
Each year, several giant computer expos at New York City's Jacob K. Javits
Convention Center attract mobs of people. I ran into a friend the day after
she had gone to one, and asked her about it.
"By the time I got there," she said, "it was so crowded you couldn't get a
nerd in edgewise."
+++++++++++++++++++
An ancient scroll that tells the story of Jesus from the point of view of
Judas, has been found in Egypt. In the text, Judas claims he only leaked
Jesus' whereabouts to the Romans after he was authorized to do so by Vice
President Cheney.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Back To School"
After raising 4 kids, and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started, but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years, a literature course.
The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.
He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."
I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking attendance!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Those who research and write about diseases could become ill-literate."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Suffering" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.
The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried.
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers.
"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
How To Clean House
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin
4. Empty the Recycle Bin
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework
permanently?"
6. Press the mouse button firmly
+++++++++++++++++++
On a high school science quiz, there was the question, "When water becomes
ice which of its physical properties increases?"
Everyone answered, "Its volume.." Except one wise guy who wrote, "When water
becomes ice, its price increases."
+++++++++++++++++++
"A mild earthquake shook Mexico City. Fortunately no citizens of Mexico City
were hurt because they're all living in Los Angeles." - Conan O'Brien
A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?" The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in my books," he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though," he continued. "Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."
+++++++++++++++++++
Airline Rage
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Reasons Why Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen
They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run
out of gas.
Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes,
chains, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out
floorboard clouds your vision.
The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The
driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front
fender is yellow, etc.
The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being
chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with
duct tape.
Top speed is only about 45 mph.
Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000
in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.
It's hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.
+++++++++++++++++++
Each year, several giant computer expos at New York City's Jacob K. Javits
Convention Center attract mobs of people. I ran into a friend the day after
she had gone to one, and asked her about it.
"By the time I got there," she said, "it was so crowded you couldn't get a
nerd in edgewise."
+++++++++++++++++++
An ancient scroll that tells the story of Jesus from the point of view of
Judas, has been found in Egypt. In the text, Judas claims he only leaked
Jesus' whereabouts to the Romans after he was authorized to do so by Vice
President Cheney.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Back To School"
After raising 4 kids, and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started, but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years, a literature course.
The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.
He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."
I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking attendance!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Those who research and write about diseases could become ill-literate."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Suffering" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.
The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried.
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers.
"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
How To Clean House
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin
4. Empty the Recycle Bin
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework
permanently?"
6. Press the mouse button firmly
+++++++++++++++++++
On a high school science quiz, there was the question, "When water becomes
ice which of its physical properties increases?"
Everyone answered, "Its volume.." Except one wise guy who wrote, "When water
becomes ice, its price increases."
+++++++++++++++++++
"A mild earthquake shook Mexico City. Fortunately no citizens of Mexico City
were hurt because they're all living in Los Angeles." - Conan O'Brien
Thursday, July 12, 2007
hUMOR For July 12th
A bee farm was started by a man who wanted to keep buzzy.
A Redneck farmer first used a duck as an alarm clock – it woke him up at the quack of dawn.
A Filipino man was hired by the circus as a contortionist – he was the first Manila folder.
A slab of stone was discovered with a multiplication problem carved on it – it was the first concrete example.
A special pail was invented for electric milking machines because one good urn deserves an udder.
A woman invented a glass diaphragm because she wanted a womb with a view.
An artist invented the traverse rod because he wanted to draw drapes.
At the first Arabian Embassy ball, everyone danced sheik-to-sheik.
At the first convention of mathematicians, everyone sat around multiplication tables.
At the first flea circus, a dog came by and stole the show.
At the first Kentucky Derby, the announcer told everyone that “Poison Ivy” was scratched.
A&W opened the first drive-in restaurant for people who wanted to curb their appetites.Barbed wire was first used for de fence.
Before John Campbell invented lubricating oil, he was just squeaking by.
Before thimbles were invented, a lot of people got stuck without one.Candles were first used on a birthday cake for people who wanted to make light of their age.
Cavewoman’s first words to her husband: “Don’t just stand there – slay something!”
Clothes hampers first became popular with people who wanted to throw in the towel.
Comment from the first photofinisher: “Someday my prints will come.”Dental floss was invented in 1938 – that’s the tooth!
During the first labour dispute, a non-union laundry worker said, “Let’s iron while the strike is hot.”Eve asked Adam to start the first garden – the first thing he dug up was an excuse.\
Eve was the first person to eat herself out of house and home.First poultry reprimand: a woman had to scold her chickens because they were using fowl language.General Custer was the first man to wear an arrow shirt.
Graduates of the first dog-training school were awarded a barkalaureate degree.
Gum was first sold on a chew-chew train.In 1621 a Plymouth band began playing because they wanted to see Plymouth Rock.
In 1634 the first twins were born in America on a two’s day.
In 1640 the first calendar was produced – everyone knew its days were numbered.
In 1803 the first chimney sweep was hired and everyone said, “Soot yourself!”
In 1806 liquor was first made in the U.S. – it soon went into mash production.
In 1841 the first suspenders were made, but the company was held up.
In 1865 Canada sold the U.S. a herd of 40,000 bison. Then America received a buffalo bill.
In 1868 the first dressmaker’s shop opened – it seemed to do very well.
In 1869 walnuts were first introduced to America – some thought they weren’t all they were cracked up to be.
In 1883 the first bakery opened on the yeast coast.
In 1888 chains were made for pocket watches – for people who couldn’t afford to lost time.
In 1889 the first lighter-than-air craft departed on its maiden voyage – everyone thought it was a lot of balloony.
In 1892 a shipment of fruit was delivered by boat – it was the first water-mailin’.
In 1898 the first submarine sandwich was introduced, but the company went under.
In 1905 the formula for rouge was reddy.
In 1909 rodent traps were invented with hope that a lot of people would gopher them.
In 1909 the first magician appeared on stage – he was so bad, he made the audience disappear.
In 1911 the first radical engine was marketed – the inventor said, “Diesel be very good.”
In 1911 the first pill to cure headaches was introduced, but people found it hard to swallow.
In 1912 the first ceramic coffee mug was invented by a couple of guys – everyone said they made a nice cupple.
In 1913 valentine-shaped candy boxes were made for sweet hearts.
In 1914 the Panama Canal locks opened, but they forgot the cream cheese.
In 1915 pancake makeup was invented, but most people still preferred syrup.
In 1920 the branding iron was invented – the cattle were really impressed.
In 1924 Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine – he was known as Jack the Wrapper.
In 1925 card playing reached the pinochle of success.
In 1931 the first shipment of hot dogs to the U.S. arrived from France – to pay off a foreign debt of 3 million francs.
In 1932 a banana-skin briefcase was made – for lawyers who wanted to appeal their cases.
In 1933 card playing was first banned aboard naval vessels – ships lost their decks.
In 1935 the first greyhound raced behind a restaurant – the biggest bet was made by a man with a hot dog.
In 1945 the first all-white Dalmation dog was spotted.
In 1948 the first dentist was hired by the National League to put on baseball caps.
In 1949 the first tightrope walker was hired by a circus – he was high-strung.
In 1951 vegetable farmers from all over the world held a meeting – it was the first peas conference.
In 1958 two men invented the radial tire – everyone said they made a nice spare.
In 1961 the skateboard was invented – it was a wheely good idea.
In 1968 pantsuits for women became fashionable, but ladies tried to skirt the issue.
In the first sheep farm in America, sheep stood wool-to-wool.
Irving Berlin’s song about Easter bonnets became number one on the hat parade.Knitted sox were first used for hand warmers, but they went down to defeat.Metal dog leashes were first sold only in chain stores.
Mustard was first invented in a Miami apartment. It was the first condimentium.New book on cloning: “Duet Yourself.”
New magazine for beginning gardeners: “Trowel and Error.”Outcome of the first clothing manufacturer strike: filing of a doubled-breasted suit against the government.People who bought the first books on lawn care became good weeders.Result of the first silkworm race: they ended up in a tie.
Retreads were first made for people who wanted to retire.Sandals were invented by a man who thought the show must go on.
Sandpaper was patented in 1834 – the inventor really had it rough.
Since the straight pin was invented, many people have gotten stuck up.
Soda pop was first bottled in Pensa Cola.
Someone set the first automobile commercial to music and created the first car tune.The dentist’s first gold tooth is called a flash in the pan.
The dye-makers’ convention held their first meeting in a tint.
The electric shaver was invented by a man who worked on it since he was a little shaver.
The first 40,000-story building opened in Brookline, Massachusetts – it was a library.
The first accountant to be hired by a circus was caught juggling the books.
The first airplane hangar was built for drip-dry planes.
The first airplane pilot’s license was made of fly paper.
The first alarm clock caused everyone to tock about it.
The first all-night bakery was run by a real dough nut.
The first archery contestant won by an arrow margin.
The first army dental unit had a good drill team.
The first art contest winners were chosen by a drawing.
The first artificial fish was the plastic sturgeon.
The first attorney wore a civil suit.
The first Australian beer was made out of kangaroo hops.
The first baby cookie was crying because his mother had been a wafer so long.
The first bad seafood salad was shrimp-ly awful.
The first bank without tellers was opened for people who believed that money talks.
The first barber shop was hair-conditioned.
The first bed bugs were brought to the Wild West by Buffalo Bill Cootie.
The first bird to fall into a can of varnish drowned, but it had a beautiful finish.
The first boat show had a yacht to offer.
The first book on wines was titled “Booze Who.”
The first building for optometrists became a site for sore eyes.
The first caddy used in golf was a tee totaller.
The first carpenter’s banquet served pound cake.
The first chair was made especially for royalty, but it was throne out.
The first Chinese lumberjack cut down trees with chop sticks.
The first Chinese mail delivery was made by boat – it delivered only junk mail.
The first clockmaker made a clock to make him rise and chime.
The first college marriage course was offered to give people a good wed-ucation.
The first conductor of the Boston Pops orchestra hired an assistant – the first band-aide.
The first cooking oil was bottled on Fry Day.
The first corn auction gave us auction-ears.
The first course for department-store Santa Clauses taught St. Nick knacks.
The first dancing school had waltz-to-waltz carpeting.
The first dentist had a tooth that drove him to extraction.
The first dentist to open an office in the Wild West was called a gum-slinger.
The first dentists’ banquet was held in 1927 – it was a $100 plate dinner: $50 for the upper and $50 for the lower.
The first diet was for people who were thick and tired of it all.
The first dock was built by a man who was liked by his pier group.
The first dog kennels were rented on a twenty-year leash.
The first dog obedience school had a large barking lot.
The first economics professor rode to class each day in a business cycle.
The first electrician studied current events.The first exterminating company opened on a fly day.
The first firefly to fly into a fan was absolutely delighted.
The first flea market started from scratch.
The first formal affair for dentists was held at a gum ball.
The first frog-jumping contest was everybody hoppy.
The first garden tool repair shop allowed the inventor to make mower money.
The first golf assistant was called a “Tee Caddy.”
The first haunted house was opened to the public – it had 20 scream doors.
The first hill-climbing contest was held for slope pokes.
The first horse motel was opened to provide animals with a stable environment.
The first Hungarian religious leader was found to be a Buddha pest.
The first illuminated golf course was opened for people who liked swinging nightclubs.
The first inspection of lobster catches was made by a claw-enforcement agency.
The first janitor’s union called for sweeping reforms.
The first king was crowned in a reign coat.
The first kitten that fell into a Xerox machine became a copycat.
The first laundryman was neurotic – he kept losing his buttons.
The first leather belt cost 90 cents – less than a buckle.
The first library was opened in Booklyn.
The first lubricant for wheels was caster oil.
The first macaroni factory in Chicago had to pasta inspection.
The first mail delivery by steamboat was authorized – it carried coast cards.
The first mail was delivered by dog sled – it arrived airedale spaniel delivery.
The first man to jump off the Eiffel Tower and land in the river was declared in Seine.
The first manufacturers of percussion instruments had to drum up business.
The first manufacturers of sugar had to take their lumps.
The first marble sculpture involved chip work.
The first marriage performed aboard a plane was a double-wing ceremony.
The first maternity ward was opened for people interested in the stork market.
The first merger of two fruit companies resulted in a perfect pear.
The first munitions manufacturer conference was a real blast.
The first music score was Beethoven: 7, Bach: 3.
The first musicians’ convention was held in Boston – it was well-staffed.
The first mythology exhibit was featured in a circus – it got centaur ring.
The first nudist convention received little coverage.
The first oboe music was printed for people who couldn’t reed.
The first official count of the U.S. population was made in 1790 – it made a lot of census.
The first optometry school put all its students in glass rooms.
The first orchestra was formed in Massachusetts, but it was band in Boston.
The first order of Chinese food to the White House weighed won ton.
The first pencil was thought to be pointless.
The first penny restaurant made lots of cents.
The first person in the monogram business achieved initial success.
The first person to have hard luck while gambling had to abandon chip.
The first person to stop playing in the handbell marathon won the No-Bell Piece Prize.
The first pig taken in a pawnshop was called a ham hock.
The first pocket-sized tape recorder was manufactured for people who liked small talk.
The first popcorn machine was invented by a Kentucky kernel.
The first postmaster got his job by stamping his feet.
The first price raise of sugar resulted in grocers raising cane.
The first prisoner’s play resulted in a cell-out.
The first railroad ran trains to Washington, D.C., so politicians could get on the right track.
The first recipe for beer was written as a brew-print.
The first restaurant to serve women only featured “Miss Steaks.”
The first rubber man to join the circus got bounced.
The first saddle was made without foot pieces, but people thought it might stirrup trouble.
The first sardine factory ended up canning all its employees.
The first savings bank opened for guys and dollars.
The first school was a classy place.
The first séance was conducted and publicized by a spooksman.
The first shipment of pigs to Chicago were kept in a porking lot.
The first shoemaker who opened his shop had a lot of sole.
The first short dresses were called ‘dogs’ because you could peek-on-knees.
The first soft drink in Australia: Coca-Koala.
The first soldier to hide inside a cannon to avoid guard duty was finally discharged.
The first straw hats had their hay day.
The first sunbather was a fry in the ointment.
The first switchboard operator didn’t like her job but she kept plugging away at it.
The first tailor shop to offer credit gave everything on the cuff.
The first tavern to open in Alaska was a polar bar.
The first telephone conversation was only eighteen feet apart – it was a close call.
The first thermometer was manufactured by a man with many degrees.
The first tree-climbing contest was held for those who wanted to limber up.
The first turkey farm had a gobblestone driveway.
The first use of shellac wasn’t successful, and it soon varnished from sight.
The first Venetian blinds were made by shady characters.
The first whitener for clothes was used in Miami Bleach.
The first wig for men brought about people who didn’t want toupee bald.
The first wigs imported from the Orient came by hair mail.
The first woman sworn into the navy became a permanent Wave.
The first wrought-iron gate was made by a worker who called it very fency.
The guy who invented the circular saw wanted to take a shortcut.
The invention of cardboard belts led to the first waist paper.
The invention of the coffee percolator gave us grounds for celebration.
The inventor of lighter fluid became flamous.
The inventor of rubber gloves thought they came in very handy.
The inventor of the auto muffler said it was exhausting work.
The inventor of the lighthouse celebrated the occasion with beacon and eggs.
The inventor of the recliner got a chair of the profits.
The inventor of the relief map got a raise.
The inventor of the rocket went out to launch.
The inventor of the safety pin in 1849 wasn’t too successful at first, but he stuck to his work.
The inventor of tweezers thought that they would do in a pinch.
The largest candle in the world burned for a wick.
The lumberjack union was formed by a splinter group.
The man who got the first music patent got it for a song.
The man who invented rope built a huge hempire.
The man who invented the boomerang tried for a comeback.
The man who invented the football got a kick out of it.
The man who invented velvet made a nice pile.
The waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.Waldo Graham holds the patent for artificial teeth – they were known as Graham clackers.
When adding machines were first used, they were so successful that they began to multiply.
When Boston began a cleanup campaign in 1946, it was the first grime wave.
When bread was first made commercially, everyone fell in loaf with it.
When chicken broth was first canned, everyone thought it was souper.
When cows were first shipped by raft, they travelled on cattle-logs.
When dynamite was first made, it did a booming business.
When electricity was first installed in an English castle, it marked the beginning of the first knight-light.
When hair dye was first packaged for home use, it really got to the root of the problem.
When hair rollers were invented, boys couldn’t use them – they were only for curls.
When laundry owners held their first convention, they sat on bleachers.
When margarine was invented, people said it was butter than nothing.
When metal bus tokens were first made, they were only worth tin cents.
When metal license plates were first distributed, many people tagged along.
When nylon stockings were first sold in the 1930’s, there was a run on them.
When peanuts were firsts packaged, the inventor hoped that they would shell fast.
When playing cards were invented, you could buy four suits for under a dollar for the first time.
When Scrabble was invented, many people sat down for a spell.
When small cushions were invented for sewing, people bought them for a pinny.
When soda was first bottled, the inventor’s son said, “That’s my pop!”
When surgical stitches were first used, the inventor said, “Suture self.”
When tanning oil was first bottled, it could only be used on sun-days.
When the first astronaut got married, the couple was known as “Mister and Missile.”
When the first automatic packaging machine was invented, the inventor
made a bundle.
When the first ax was developed, many people put it on their chopping list.
When the first barber shop school opened, everyone graduated at the head of his class.
When the first barber supply company burned, it was just a brush fire.
When the first bicycle repair shop opened, the owner became the industry’s
spokes-man.
When the first book was written on watchmaking, everyone thought it was about time.
When the first broom was invented, the inventor was so tired, he went to sweep.
When the first canine scale was made, it weighed only in dog pounds.
When the first chess tournament was held, the winner received a check.
When the first circuit breaker was introduced, people re-fused to use it.
When the first cookie factory burned down, everyone had free fire crackers.
When the first credit card was issued, people got a charge out of it.
When the first crossword puzzle was printed, the creator received $5,000 down and $2,000 across.
When the first diet club was formed, it was a losing proposition.
When the first diving school was opened, graduates got a deep-loma.
When the first escalator was used, everyone said it was a step in the right direction.
When the first giraffe was exhibited in a zoo, everyone paid a neckle to see it.
When the first hamburger press was made, its inventor got a patty on his back.
When the first ice cream cone was shown at a press conference, newsmen got a big scoop.
When the first indoor jogging machine was made, people bought it to get a run for their money.
When the first indoor tennis court was built, the builder made a net profit.
When the first infant stroller was made, some babies got a little buggy.
When the first interlocking jigsaw puzzle was invented, it caused a national
craze as the whole country went to pieces.
When the first mailbox was invented, everyone knew it would happen sooner or letter.
When the first marble building was erected, everyone took it for granted.
When the first medical school opened in 1900, it was stitched closed.
When the first miniskirts became popular, worried husbands said the thigh was the limit.
When the first national cooking champion was crowned, she appeared on TV on a program called “The Spice Is Right.”
When the first pain killer was marketed, it saved a lot of moaney.
When the first rodeo was held, the cowboys got a few bucks out of it.
When the first self-winding clock was made, everyone was tickled.
When the first textile school opened, the students became very materialistic.
When the first flower show was held, the first prize was a bloom ribbon.
When the inventor of the first elastic girdle was asked if it worked, he replied, “Of corset does!”
When the inventor sold his patent for malted milk, he felt he got a fair shake.
When the tailor’s wife saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
When thread was first made, everyone said, “Darn it!”
When ties were first worn, they were very collar full.
When water pistols were first sold, stores had squirtains on their windows.
When Willy Wonka made the first chocolate bar, he said, “Isn’t that sweet?”
When windows were first installed in the Empire State Building, they were a pane in the glass.
When wooden money was first issued, it was a sliver dollar.
When wooden shoes were first introduced, people lumbered around in them.
When wrought iron was first used for decoration, people were very grate-full.
Whoever built the first marble building had difficulty – it kept rolling away.
William Canby invented the first computing scales – just proves that when there’s a Will there’s a weigh.
World’s first funny animal: a stand-up chameleon.
A Redneck farmer first used a duck as an alarm clock – it woke him up at the quack of dawn.
A Filipino man was hired by the circus as a contortionist – he was the first Manila folder.
A slab of stone was discovered with a multiplication problem carved on it – it was the first concrete example.
A special pail was invented for electric milking machines because one good urn deserves an udder.
A woman invented a glass diaphragm because she wanted a womb with a view.
An artist invented the traverse rod because he wanted to draw drapes.
At the first Arabian Embassy ball, everyone danced sheik-to-sheik.
At the first convention of mathematicians, everyone sat around multiplication tables.
At the first flea circus, a dog came by and stole the show.
At the first Kentucky Derby, the announcer told everyone that “Poison Ivy” was scratched.
A&W opened the first drive-in restaurant for people who wanted to curb their appetites.Barbed wire was first used for de fence.
Before John Campbell invented lubricating oil, he was just squeaking by.
Before thimbles were invented, a lot of people got stuck without one.Candles were first used on a birthday cake for people who wanted to make light of their age.
Cavewoman’s first words to her husband: “Don’t just stand there – slay something!”
Clothes hampers first became popular with people who wanted to throw in the towel.
Comment from the first photofinisher: “Someday my prints will come.”Dental floss was invented in 1938 – that’s the tooth!
During the first labour dispute, a non-union laundry worker said, “Let’s iron while the strike is hot.”Eve asked Adam to start the first garden – the first thing he dug up was an excuse.\
Eve was the first person to eat herself out of house and home.First poultry reprimand: a woman had to scold her chickens because they were using fowl language.General Custer was the first man to wear an arrow shirt.
Graduates of the first dog-training school were awarded a barkalaureate degree.
Gum was first sold on a chew-chew train.In 1621 a Plymouth band began playing because they wanted to see Plymouth Rock.
In 1634 the first twins were born in America on a two’s day.
In 1640 the first calendar was produced – everyone knew its days were numbered.
In 1803 the first chimney sweep was hired and everyone said, “Soot yourself!”
In 1806 liquor was first made in the U.S. – it soon went into mash production.
In 1841 the first suspenders were made, but the company was held up.
In 1865 Canada sold the U.S. a herd of 40,000 bison. Then America received a buffalo bill.
In 1868 the first dressmaker’s shop opened – it seemed to do very well.
In 1869 walnuts were first introduced to America – some thought they weren’t all they were cracked up to be.
In 1883 the first bakery opened on the yeast coast.
In 1888 chains were made for pocket watches – for people who couldn’t afford to lost time.
In 1889 the first lighter-than-air craft departed on its maiden voyage – everyone thought it was a lot of balloony.
In 1892 a shipment of fruit was delivered by boat – it was the first water-mailin’.
In 1898 the first submarine sandwich was introduced, but the company went under.
In 1905 the formula for rouge was reddy.
In 1909 rodent traps were invented with hope that a lot of people would gopher them.
In 1909 the first magician appeared on stage – he was so bad, he made the audience disappear.
In 1911 the first radical engine was marketed – the inventor said, “Diesel be very good.”
In 1911 the first pill to cure headaches was introduced, but people found it hard to swallow.
In 1912 the first ceramic coffee mug was invented by a couple of guys – everyone said they made a nice cupple.
In 1913 valentine-shaped candy boxes were made for sweet hearts.
In 1914 the Panama Canal locks opened, but they forgot the cream cheese.
In 1915 pancake makeup was invented, but most people still preferred syrup.
In 1920 the branding iron was invented – the cattle were really impressed.
In 1924 Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine – he was known as Jack the Wrapper.
In 1925 card playing reached the pinochle of success.
In 1931 the first shipment of hot dogs to the U.S. arrived from France – to pay off a foreign debt of 3 million francs.
In 1932 a banana-skin briefcase was made – for lawyers who wanted to appeal their cases.
In 1933 card playing was first banned aboard naval vessels – ships lost their decks.
In 1935 the first greyhound raced behind a restaurant – the biggest bet was made by a man with a hot dog.
In 1945 the first all-white Dalmation dog was spotted.
In 1948 the first dentist was hired by the National League to put on baseball caps.
In 1949 the first tightrope walker was hired by a circus – he was high-strung.
In 1951 vegetable farmers from all over the world held a meeting – it was the first peas conference.
In 1958 two men invented the radial tire – everyone said they made a nice spare.
In 1961 the skateboard was invented – it was a wheely good idea.
In 1968 pantsuits for women became fashionable, but ladies tried to skirt the issue.
In the first sheep farm in America, sheep stood wool-to-wool.
Irving Berlin’s song about Easter bonnets became number one on the hat parade.Knitted sox were first used for hand warmers, but they went down to defeat.Metal dog leashes were first sold only in chain stores.
Mustard was first invented in a Miami apartment. It was the first condimentium.New book on cloning: “Duet Yourself.”
New magazine for beginning gardeners: “Trowel and Error.”Outcome of the first clothing manufacturer strike: filing of a doubled-breasted suit against the government.People who bought the first books on lawn care became good weeders.Result of the first silkworm race: they ended up in a tie.
Retreads were first made for people who wanted to retire.Sandals were invented by a man who thought the show must go on.
Sandpaper was patented in 1834 – the inventor really had it rough.
Since the straight pin was invented, many people have gotten stuck up.
Soda pop was first bottled in Pensa Cola.
Someone set the first automobile commercial to music and created the first car tune.The dentist’s first gold tooth is called a flash in the pan.
The dye-makers’ convention held their first meeting in a tint.
The electric shaver was invented by a man who worked on it since he was a little shaver.
The first 40,000-story building opened in Brookline, Massachusetts – it was a library.
The first accountant to be hired by a circus was caught juggling the books.
The first airplane hangar was built for drip-dry planes.
The first airplane pilot’s license was made of fly paper.
The first alarm clock caused everyone to tock about it.
The first all-night bakery was run by a real dough nut.
The first archery contestant won by an arrow margin.
The first army dental unit had a good drill team.
The first art contest winners were chosen by a drawing.
The first artificial fish was the plastic sturgeon.
The first attorney wore a civil suit.
The first Australian beer was made out of kangaroo hops.
The first baby cookie was crying because his mother had been a wafer so long.
The first bad seafood salad was shrimp-ly awful.
The first bank without tellers was opened for people who believed that money talks.
The first barber shop was hair-conditioned.
The first bed bugs were brought to the Wild West by Buffalo Bill Cootie.
The first bird to fall into a can of varnish drowned, but it had a beautiful finish.
The first boat show had a yacht to offer.
The first book on wines was titled “Booze Who.”
The first building for optometrists became a site for sore eyes.
The first caddy used in golf was a tee totaller.
The first carpenter’s banquet served pound cake.
The first chair was made especially for royalty, but it was throne out.
The first Chinese lumberjack cut down trees with chop sticks.
The first Chinese mail delivery was made by boat – it delivered only junk mail.
The first clockmaker made a clock to make him rise and chime.
The first college marriage course was offered to give people a good wed-ucation.
The first conductor of the Boston Pops orchestra hired an assistant – the first band-aide.
The first cooking oil was bottled on Fry Day.
The first corn auction gave us auction-ears.
The first course for department-store Santa Clauses taught St. Nick knacks.
The first dancing school had waltz-to-waltz carpeting.
The first dentist had a tooth that drove him to extraction.
The first dentist to open an office in the Wild West was called a gum-slinger.
The first dentists’ banquet was held in 1927 – it was a $100 plate dinner: $50 for the upper and $50 for the lower.
The first diet was for people who were thick and tired of it all.
The first dock was built by a man who was liked by his pier group.
The first dog kennels were rented on a twenty-year leash.
The first dog obedience school had a large barking lot.
The first economics professor rode to class each day in a business cycle.
The first electrician studied current events.The first exterminating company opened on a fly day.
The first firefly to fly into a fan was absolutely delighted.
The first flea market started from scratch.
The first formal affair for dentists was held at a gum ball.
The first frog-jumping contest was everybody hoppy.
The first garden tool repair shop allowed the inventor to make mower money.
The first golf assistant was called a “Tee Caddy.”
The first haunted house was opened to the public – it had 20 scream doors.
The first hill-climbing contest was held for slope pokes.
The first horse motel was opened to provide animals with a stable environment.
The first Hungarian religious leader was found to be a Buddha pest.
The first illuminated golf course was opened for people who liked swinging nightclubs.
The first inspection of lobster catches was made by a claw-enforcement agency.
The first janitor’s union called for sweeping reforms.
The first king was crowned in a reign coat.
The first kitten that fell into a Xerox machine became a copycat.
The first laundryman was neurotic – he kept losing his buttons.
The first leather belt cost 90 cents – less than a buckle.
The first library was opened in Booklyn.
The first lubricant for wheels was caster oil.
The first macaroni factory in Chicago had to pasta inspection.
The first mail delivery by steamboat was authorized – it carried coast cards.
The first mail was delivered by dog sled – it arrived airedale spaniel delivery.
The first man to jump off the Eiffel Tower and land in the river was declared in Seine.
The first manufacturers of percussion instruments had to drum up business.
The first manufacturers of sugar had to take their lumps.
The first marble sculpture involved chip work.
The first marriage performed aboard a plane was a double-wing ceremony.
The first maternity ward was opened for people interested in the stork market.
The first merger of two fruit companies resulted in a perfect pear.
The first munitions manufacturer conference was a real blast.
The first music score was Beethoven: 7, Bach: 3.
The first musicians’ convention was held in Boston – it was well-staffed.
The first mythology exhibit was featured in a circus – it got centaur ring.
The first nudist convention received little coverage.
The first oboe music was printed for people who couldn’t reed.
The first official count of the U.S. population was made in 1790 – it made a lot of census.
The first optometry school put all its students in glass rooms.
The first orchestra was formed in Massachusetts, but it was band in Boston.
The first order of Chinese food to the White House weighed won ton.
The first pencil was thought to be pointless.
The first penny restaurant made lots of cents.
The first person in the monogram business achieved initial success.
The first person to have hard luck while gambling had to abandon chip.
The first person to stop playing in the handbell marathon won the No-Bell Piece Prize.
The first pig taken in a pawnshop was called a ham hock.
The first pocket-sized tape recorder was manufactured for people who liked small talk.
The first popcorn machine was invented by a Kentucky kernel.
The first postmaster got his job by stamping his feet.
The first price raise of sugar resulted in grocers raising cane.
The first prisoner’s play resulted in a cell-out.
The first railroad ran trains to Washington, D.C., so politicians could get on the right track.
The first recipe for beer was written as a brew-print.
The first restaurant to serve women only featured “Miss Steaks.”
The first rubber man to join the circus got bounced.
The first saddle was made without foot pieces, but people thought it might stirrup trouble.
The first sardine factory ended up canning all its employees.
The first savings bank opened for guys and dollars.
The first school was a classy place.
The first séance was conducted and publicized by a spooksman.
The first shipment of pigs to Chicago were kept in a porking lot.
The first shoemaker who opened his shop had a lot of sole.
The first short dresses were called ‘dogs’ because you could peek-on-knees.
The first soft drink in Australia: Coca-Koala.
The first soldier to hide inside a cannon to avoid guard duty was finally discharged.
The first straw hats had their hay day.
The first sunbather was a fry in the ointment.
The first switchboard operator didn’t like her job but she kept plugging away at it.
The first tailor shop to offer credit gave everything on the cuff.
The first tavern to open in Alaska was a polar bar.
The first telephone conversation was only eighteen feet apart – it was a close call.
The first thermometer was manufactured by a man with many degrees.
The first tree-climbing contest was held for those who wanted to limber up.
The first turkey farm had a gobblestone driveway.
The first use of shellac wasn’t successful, and it soon varnished from sight.
The first Venetian blinds were made by shady characters.
The first whitener for clothes was used in Miami Bleach.
The first wig for men brought about people who didn’t want toupee bald.
The first wigs imported from the Orient came by hair mail.
The first woman sworn into the navy became a permanent Wave.
The first wrought-iron gate was made by a worker who called it very fency.
The guy who invented the circular saw wanted to take a shortcut.
The invention of cardboard belts led to the first waist paper.
The invention of the coffee percolator gave us grounds for celebration.
The inventor of lighter fluid became flamous.
The inventor of rubber gloves thought they came in very handy.
The inventor of the auto muffler said it was exhausting work.
The inventor of the lighthouse celebrated the occasion with beacon and eggs.
The inventor of the recliner got a chair of the profits.
The inventor of the relief map got a raise.
The inventor of the rocket went out to launch.
The inventor of the safety pin in 1849 wasn’t too successful at first, but he stuck to his work.
The inventor of tweezers thought that they would do in a pinch.
The largest candle in the world burned for a wick.
The lumberjack union was formed by a splinter group.
The man who got the first music patent got it for a song.
The man who invented rope built a huge hempire.
The man who invented the boomerang tried for a comeback.
The man who invented the football got a kick out of it.
The man who invented velvet made a nice pile.
The waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.Waldo Graham holds the patent for artificial teeth – they were known as Graham clackers.
When adding machines were first used, they were so successful that they began to multiply.
When Boston began a cleanup campaign in 1946, it was the first grime wave.
When bread was first made commercially, everyone fell in loaf with it.
When chicken broth was first canned, everyone thought it was souper.
When cows were first shipped by raft, they travelled on cattle-logs.
When dynamite was first made, it did a booming business.
When electricity was first installed in an English castle, it marked the beginning of the first knight-light.
When hair dye was first packaged for home use, it really got to the root of the problem.
When hair rollers were invented, boys couldn’t use them – they were only for curls.
When laundry owners held their first convention, they sat on bleachers.
When margarine was invented, people said it was butter than nothing.
When metal bus tokens were first made, they were only worth tin cents.
When metal license plates were first distributed, many people tagged along.
When nylon stockings were first sold in the 1930’s, there was a run on them.
When peanuts were firsts packaged, the inventor hoped that they would shell fast.
When playing cards were invented, you could buy four suits for under a dollar for the first time.
When Scrabble was invented, many people sat down for a spell.
When small cushions were invented for sewing, people bought them for a pinny.
When soda was first bottled, the inventor’s son said, “That’s my pop!”
When surgical stitches were first used, the inventor said, “Suture self.”
When tanning oil was first bottled, it could only be used on sun-days.
When the first astronaut got married, the couple was known as “Mister and Missile.”
When the first automatic packaging machine was invented, the inventor
made a bundle.
When the first ax was developed, many people put it on their chopping list.
When the first barber shop school opened, everyone graduated at the head of his class.
When the first barber supply company burned, it was just a brush fire.
When the first bicycle repair shop opened, the owner became the industry’s
spokes-man.
When the first book was written on watchmaking, everyone thought it was about time.
When the first broom was invented, the inventor was so tired, he went to sweep.
When the first canine scale was made, it weighed only in dog pounds.
When the first chess tournament was held, the winner received a check.
When the first circuit breaker was introduced, people re-fused to use it.
When the first cookie factory burned down, everyone had free fire crackers.
When the first credit card was issued, people got a charge out of it.
When the first crossword puzzle was printed, the creator received $5,000 down and $2,000 across.
When the first diet club was formed, it was a losing proposition.
When the first diving school was opened, graduates got a deep-loma.
When the first escalator was used, everyone said it was a step in the right direction.
When the first giraffe was exhibited in a zoo, everyone paid a neckle to see it.
When the first hamburger press was made, its inventor got a patty on his back.
When the first ice cream cone was shown at a press conference, newsmen got a big scoop.
When the first indoor jogging machine was made, people bought it to get a run for their money.
When the first indoor tennis court was built, the builder made a net profit.
When the first infant stroller was made, some babies got a little buggy.
When the first interlocking jigsaw puzzle was invented, it caused a national
craze as the whole country went to pieces.
When the first mailbox was invented, everyone knew it would happen sooner or letter.
When the first marble building was erected, everyone took it for granted.
When the first medical school opened in 1900, it was stitched closed.
When the first miniskirts became popular, worried husbands said the thigh was the limit.
When the first national cooking champion was crowned, she appeared on TV on a program called “The Spice Is Right.”
When the first pain killer was marketed, it saved a lot of moaney.
When the first rodeo was held, the cowboys got a few bucks out of it.
When the first self-winding clock was made, everyone was tickled.
When the first textile school opened, the students became very materialistic.
When the first flower show was held, the first prize was a bloom ribbon.
When the inventor of the first elastic girdle was asked if it worked, he replied, “Of corset does!”
When the inventor sold his patent for malted milk, he felt he got a fair shake.
When the tailor’s wife saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
When thread was first made, everyone said, “Darn it!”
When ties were first worn, they were very collar full.
When water pistols were first sold, stores had squirtains on their windows.
When Willy Wonka made the first chocolate bar, he said, “Isn’t that sweet?”
When windows were first installed in the Empire State Building, they were a pane in the glass.
When wooden money was first issued, it was a sliver dollar.
When wooden shoes were first introduced, people lumbered around in them.
When wrought iron was first used for decoration, people were very grate-full.
Whoever built the first marble building had difficulty – it kept rolling away.
William Canby invented the first computing scales – just proves that when there’s a Will there’s a weigh.
World’s first funny animal: a stand-up chameleon.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
hUMOR For July th
Couldn't Spell
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband. "Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?" "Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Free drinks for everyone
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
+++++++++++++++++++
Well Done
John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?" "I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Q: What do owls sing when it is raining? A: 'Too wet to woo'! Q: What do baby swans dance to?A: Cygnet-ure-tunes! Q: What birds spend all their time on their knees?A: Birds of prey! Q: What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?A: Tweetie Pie!
+++++++++++++++++++
If you're ever attacked by a circus, go for the juggler.
+++++++++++++++++++
Hire HerWhen your age doesn’t require an exact date…
A minister, interviewing a woman who was applying for a Church staff position, read her application and said, “I see your birthday is July 3. What year?”Her simple reply was, “Every year.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Fly By Night PilotInspiration in the darkness...Flying while Lying
“There's one thing I don't understand," the passenger said to the pilot on the red eye night flight. "How do you fly in the dark?”“Well,” answered the pilot, "there's a light on the left wing, a light on the right wing, and a light on the tail. All I have to do is keep the plane between the lights.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Chutzpah DefinedWhat's your quality of audacity?
A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.“Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents.”
+++++++++++++++++++
And They Ask Why I Like Retirement!
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?Answer: NUTS! Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal . Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.Question : What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. My favoriteQUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest. Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can relate to some of them! AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to.
+++++++++++++++++++
Question - When you apply for Welfare in Mexico what does that Government give you?
Answer - A map to the United States! And directions on how, and where, to cross the border!
+++++++++++++++++++
Waiter FeedbackThe diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he barked, "didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
+++++++++++++++++++
The New Pastor
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter. Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why did the chicken cross the road at the fairground? To get to the other side! What did the lovesick bull say to the cow?'When I fall in love it will be for heifer'! Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air?Because eggs were going up! What do you call a sheep with no legs or head?A cloud! What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?An egg-splosion!
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband. "Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?" "Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Free drinks for everyone
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
+++++++++++++++++++
Well Done
John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?" "I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Q: What do owls sing when it is raining? A: 'Too wet to woo'! Q: What do baby swans dance to?A: Cygnet-ure-tunes! Q: What birds spend all their time on their knees?A: Birds of prey! Q: What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?A: Tweetie Pie!
+++++++++++++++++++
If you're ever attacked by a circus, go for the juggler.
+++++++++++++++++++
Hire HerWhen your age doesn’t require an exact date…
A minister, interviewing a woman who was applying for a Church staff position, read her application and said, “I see your birthday is July 3. What year?”Her simple reply was, “Every year.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Fly By Night PilotInspiration in the darkness...Flying while Lying
“There's one thing I don't understand," the passenger said to the pilot on the red eye night flight. "How do you fly in the dark?”“Well,” answered the pilot, "there's a light on the left wing, a light on the right wing, and a light on the tail. All I have to do is keep the plane between the lights.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Chutzpah DefinedWhat's your quality of audacity?
A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.“Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents.”
+++++++++++++++++++
And They Ask Why I Like Retirement!
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?Answer: NUTS! Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal . Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.Question : What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. My favoriteQUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest. Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can relate to some of them! AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to.
+++++++++++++++++++
Question - When you apply for Welfare in Mexico what does that Government give you?
Answer - A map to the United States! And directions on how, and where, to cross the border!
+++++++++++++++++++
Waiter FeedbackThe diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he barked, "didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
+++++++++++++++++++
The New Pastor
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter. Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why did the chicken cross the road at the fairground? To get to the other side! What did the lovesick bull say to the cow?'When I fall in love it will be for heifer'! Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air?Because eggs were going up! What do you call a sheep with no legs or head?A cloud! What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?An egg-splosion!
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
hUMOR For July 10th
"This is the kind of thing that would bum out any young guy.
I just found out my father lost his hair--in a slap fight."
--Vernon Chatman
+++++++++++++++++++
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girl-
friend, she went inside to find seats while I got some
popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were already
being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down,
put the popcorn in my girlfriend's lap and gave her knee an
affectionate squeeze.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "Pssst! John! I'm back
here."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but
did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the
back?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A bar in NYC is installing a breathalyzer. If your drunk, it
advises you not to drive. If you're really, really drunk, it
advises you not to call your old girlfriend.
+++++++++++++++++++
Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that
tied female obesity to a virus. One evening my sister came
home exhausted from a long day at work.
"Did you read the paper?" she asked. "I'm not going in to
work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."
+++++++++++++++++++
Grandparents
I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret
My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.
An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Welsh Proverb
Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grand-child. ~Gore Vidal
Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Ogden Nash
When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. ~Marcy DeMaree
Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete. ~Lois Wyse
If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grand-children, I'd have had them first. ~Henry Youngman
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. ~Mary H. Waldrip
Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old. ~Proverb
You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. ~Dave Barry
The best babysitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida. ~Alex Haley
Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Joy Hargrove
One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grand-baby around the finger of a grandfather. ~G. Norman Collie
Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother. ~Authors Unknown
Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love.
Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting.
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren.
Grandmothers are just antique little girls.
It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one.
A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside.
Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.
Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever.
+++++++++++++++++++
Forgive and ForgetOnce upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized and they made up. However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done."Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'""It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten."
+++++++++++++++++++
Worst Family Feud Answers
Question: Name a former President that most people would say
is honest.
#1 Answer: Lincoln
Worst Answer: Nixon
-----
Question: Besides San Francisco, name a city that begins
with the word San.
#1 Answer: San Diego
Worst Answer: Seattle
-----
Question: Name a slang term used for important people.
#1 Answer: V.I.P.
Worst Answer: Buddy
-----
Question: Name something packrats have a hard time throwing
out.
#1 Answer: Photos
Worst Answer: Corn
-----
Question: Name something that might annoy a gardener.
#1 Answer: Bugs
Worst Answer: Not getting paid on time
-----
Question: Name a reason a man might send his wife flowers.
#1 Answer: Anniversary
Worst Answer: Happy divorce
-----
Question: Name a term used in football.
#1 Answer: Touchdown
Worst Answer: Fastbreak
-----
Question: Name a special request people ask for when making
a dinner reservation.
#1 Answer: Non-smoking
Worst Answer: A menu
-----
Question: Name someone you wouldn't want to get a phone call
from.
#1 Answer: The police
Worst Answer: Your son
-----
Question: Name a classical music composer everyone knows.
#1 Answer: Mozart
Worst Answer: Julio Iglesias
-----
Question: Tell me something specific you should drink a lot
of when you're sick.
#1 Answer: Water
Worst Answer: Alcohol
-----
Question: Name something you'd hate to find at the end of
your nose.
#1 Answer: Pimple
Worst Answer: Lint
-----
Question: Name the worst kind of shoe to run a marathon in.
#1 Answer: High heels
Worst Answer: Scuba flippers
-----
Question: Name something a person wouldn't want living in
their house.
#1 Answer: Relatives
Worst Answer: Mold
-----
Question: Name a musician who goes by one name.
#1 Answer: Madonna
Worst Answer: Reba McIntyre
-----
Question: Name something you think would be difficult about
being a waiter.
#1 Answer: Taking orders
Worst Answer: Falling down
-----
Question: Name a unit of currency used in a country other
than the U.S.
#1 Answer: Peso
Worst Answer: Ampere
-----
Question: Name a reason why a woman might not want to kiss
her boyfriend.
#1 Answer: Bad breath
Worst Answer: She doesn't love him that much.
-----
Question: Name something you do in front of your husband
that you probably never did when you were dating.
#1 Answer: Undress
Worst Answer: Make out
-----
Question: Name a complaint you might have about the pizza
that was just delivered.
#1 Answer: It's cold
Worst Answer: It went to the wrong address
-----
Question: Name an animal many people are scared of.
#1 Answer: Snake
Worst Answer: Boar
-----
Question: Name something you need to play Scrabble.
#1 Answer: Letters
Worst Answer: Dice
-----
Question: Name the age when a man might start to lose a lot
of hair.
#1 Answer: 30
Worst Answer: 14
-----
Question: Name the best month to schedule a wedding.
#1 Answer: June
Worst Answer: Summer
I just found out my father lost his hair--in a slap fight."
--Vernon Chatman
+++++++++++++++++++
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girl-
friend, she went inside to find seats while I got some
popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were already
being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down,
put the popcorn in my girlfriend's lap and gave her knee an
affectionate squeeze.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "Pssst! John! I'm back
here."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but
did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the
back?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A bar in NYC is installing a breathalyzer. If your drunk, it
advises you not to drive. If you're really, really drunk, it
advises you not to call your old girlfriend.
+++++++++++++++++++
Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that
tied female obesity to a virus. One evening my sister came
home exhausted from a long day at work.
"Did you read the paper?" she asked. "I'm not going in to
work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."
+++++++++++++++++++
Grandparents
I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret
My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.
An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Welsh Proverb
Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grand-child. ~Gore Vidal
Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Ogden Nash
When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. ~Marcy DeMaree
Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete. ~Lois Wyse
If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grand-children, I'd have had them first. ~Henry Youngman
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. ~Mary H. Waldrip
Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old. ~Proverb
You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. ~Dave Barry
The best babysitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida. ~Alex Haley
Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Joy Hargrove
One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grand-baby around the finger of a grandfather. ~G. Norman Collie
Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother. ~Authors Unknown
Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love.
Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting.
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren.
Grandmothers are just antique little girls.
It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one.
A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside.
Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.
Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever.
+++++++++++++++++++
Forgive and ForgetOnce upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized and they made up. However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done."Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'""It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten."
+++++++++++++++++++
Worst Family Feud Answers
Question: Name a former President that most people would say
is honest.
#1 Answer: Lincoln
Worst Answer: Nixon
-----
Question: Besides San Francisco, name a city that begins
with the word San.
#1 Answer: San Diego
Worst Answer: Seattle
-----
Question: Name a slang term used for important people.
#1 Answer: V.I.P.
Worst Answer: Buddy
-----
Question: Name something packrats have a hard time throwing
out.
#1 Answer: Photos
Worst Answer: Corn
-----
Question: Name something that might annoy a gardener.
#1 Answer: Bugs
Worst Answer: Not getting paid on time
-----
Question: Name a reason a man might send his wife flowers.
#1 Answer: Anniversary
Worst Answer: Happy divorce
-----
Question: Name a term used in football.
#1 Answer: Touchdown
Worst Answer: Fastbreak
-----
Question: Name a special request people ask for when making
a dinner reservation.
#1 Answer: Non-smoking
Worst Answer: A menu
-----
Question: Name someone you wouldn't want to get a phone call
from.
#1 Answer: The police
Worst Answer: Your son
-----
Question: Name a classical music composer everyone knows.
#1 Answer: Mozart
Worst Answer: Julio Iglesias
-----
Question: Tell me something specific you should drink a lot
of when you're sick.
#1 Answer: Water
Worst Answer: Alcohol
-----
Question: Name something you'd hate to find at the end of
your nose.
#1 Answer: Pimple
Worst Answer: Lint
-----
Question: Name the worst kind of shoe to run a marathon in.
#1 Answer: High heels
Worst Answer: Scuba flippers
-----
Question: Name something a person wouldn't want living in
their house.
#1 Answer: Relatives
Worst Answer: Mold
-----
Question: Name a musician who goes by one name.
#1 Answer: Madonna
Worst Answer: Reba McIntyre
-----
Question: Name something you think would be difficult about
being a waiter.
#1 Answer: Taking orders
Worst Answer: Falling down
-----
Question: Name a unit of currency used in a country other
than the U.S.
#1 Answer: Peso
Worst Answer: Ampere
-----
Question: Name a reason why a woman might not want to kiss
her boyfriend.
#1 Answer: Bad breath
Worst Answer: She doesn't love him that much.
-----
Question: Name something you do in front of your husband
that you probably never did when you were dating.
#1 Answer: Undress
Worst Answer: Make out
-----
Question: Name a complaint you might have about the pizza
that was just delivered.
#1 Answer: It's cold
Worst Answer: It went to the wrong address
-----
Question: Name an animal many people are scared of.
#1 Answer: Snake
Worst Answer: Boar
-----
Question: Name something you need to play Scrabble.
#1 Answer: Letters
Worst Answer: Dice
-----
Question: Name the age when a man might start to lose a lot
of hair.
#1 Answer: 30
Worst Answer: 14
-----
Question: Name the best month to schedule a wedding.
#1 Answer: June
Worst Answer: Summer
Monday, July 09, 2007
hUMOR For July 9th
Thirsty Cat
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
+++++++++++++++++++
FHA Loan
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply: "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared the Title to the proposed collateral property back to the year 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: "Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have Titles extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property arena, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. "For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. "The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. "Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. "I hope you are satisfied. Now, may we have our Title?
+++++++++++++++++++
Hand DryersMy pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read:"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two-by-fours
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four." The clerk said, "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dog Who Played Baseball
During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs. "That's incredible!" he exclaimed to the man next to him. "Yes," he said, "but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Science Lesson
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.Please sit on the couch.Which one! Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing a spinning insect.Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a mothGet out of the way -- you're in my light!
+++++++++++++++++++
Police Comments
These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car
videos around the country:
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the
one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because
that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that
means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the
shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to
do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn
dogs, and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets
a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a
personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post
your bail."
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here."
+++++++++++++++++++
An employee of the airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas.
She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and
she answered it, but there was no response. When it rang a second time,
another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.
Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. "This
is Bob. May I help you?"
"Bob," the bewildered woman caller finally spoke. "Where is Bill, and who
are those two women he's with?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Typographical Blunders
Found in the Huron, S.D. PAY DAY: Apt. for rent: 3 br., deposit, lease. No
poets.
Ad in the New London, Conn., DAY: Medical receptionist: busy office is
searching for bright, capable self-starter. If you are cheerful and
reproductive under pressure, please send resume'.
In the classified section of the Battle Creek, Mich., ENQUIRER: Full-service
hotel looking to expand its existing food operation with a quality Sioux
chief.
The city of Staunton, Va., once issued instructions for using its voting
machines that included this passage: To correct a mistake, turn lover to
original position and make another choice.
In a Santa Rosa, CA, PRESS DEMOCRAT article on high-school football: Taylor
Frey led the Cougars on defense with eight tickles.
+++++++++++++++++++
"'Buffet' is a French term that means, 'Get up and get it yourself.'" - Greg
Ray
+++++++++++++++++++
"Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but
did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the
back?"
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.
+++++++++++++++++++
FHA Loan
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply: "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared the Title to the proposed collateral property back to the year 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: "Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have Titles extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property arena, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. "For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. "The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. "Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. "I hope you are satisfied. Now, may we have our Title?
+++++++++++++++++++
Hand DryersMy pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read:"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two-by-fours
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four." The clerk said, "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dog Who Played Baseball
During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs. "That's incredible!" he exclaimed to the man next to him. "Yes," he said, "but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Science Lesson
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.Please sit on the couch.Which one! Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing a spinning insect.Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a mothGet out of the way -- you're in my light!
+++++++++++++++++++
Police Comments
These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car
videos around the country:
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the
one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because
that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that
means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the
shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to
do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn
dogs, and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets
a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a
personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post
your bail."
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here."
+++++++++++++++++++
An employee of the airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas.
She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and
she answered it, but there was no response. When it rang a second time,
another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.
Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. "This
is Bob. May I help you?"
"Bob," the bewildered woman caller finally spoke. "Where is Bill, and who
are those two women he's with?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Typographical Blunders
Found in the Huron, S.D. PAY DAY: Apt. for rent: 3 br., deposit, lease. No
poets.
Ad in the New London, Conn., DAY: Medical receptionist: busy office is
searching for bright, capable self-starter. If you are cheerful and
reproductive under pressure, please send resume'.
In the classified section of the Battle Creek, Mich., ENQUIRER: Full-service
hotel looking to expand its existing food operation with a quality Sioux
chief.
The city of Staunton, Va., once issued instructions for using its voting
machines that included this passage: To correct a mistake, turn lover to
original position and make another choice.
In a Santa Rosa, CA, PRESS DEMOCRAT article on high-school football: Taylor
Frey led the Cougars on defense with eight tickles.
+++++++++++++++++++
"'Buffet' is a French term that means, 'Get up and get it yourself.'" - Greg
Ray
+++++++++++++++++++
"Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but
did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the
back?"
Sunday, July 08, 2007
hUMOR For July 8th
Military Kittie
My housecat went down to the local military recruiting depot to sign up for the service. He came back about two hours later and sadly explained that he couldn't enlist because he would have to be de-furred.
+++++++++++++++++++
High School Reunion
My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits...and their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated." She glanced at the well-dressed crowd, then back at me, and said, "You're the only one who has to."
+++++++++++++++++++
Elephant Robbery
A jeweller called the police station to report a robbery. "You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away." The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?" "What's the difference?" asked the jeweller. "Well," said the sergeant, an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears." "Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweller. "He had a stocking over his head."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
How do ghosts learn songs?They read the sheet music! Why did Dracula go to the dentist?He had fang decay! What's the best way of seeing a witch?On the television!
+++++++++++++++++++
Two businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch. One of them says, "I have
a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the
circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could
let you have it for only $3,000."
The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What am I going to do
with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I
can't even squeeze in an end table. So why would I buy an elephant?"
The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two
grand."
"Well then," said the other, "now you're talking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Uncle Paddy passed away, and it was up to young Robert to wire the
message back home to Glasgow. The cheapest price he could find was ten words
for three dollars.
The message reads as follows: UNCLE PADDY DIED YESTERDAY. NO PAIN.
SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN.
+++++++++++++++++++
Alex, I'll take "Things Only I Know" for $200
+++++++++++++++++++
Niece's Baby
I was in a public bathroom when I heard a woman talking to
her friend.
"... Yeah, so my niece just had her baby, and in the
excitement of it all, I admit I neglected it. And then I had
to go to New Mexico for my brother's wedding. I hired the
kid across the street from me to take care of it, and to
make sure it gets water a few times every day. It's just
been getting so hot outside! Anyways, when I come home, I
open the gate to my front yard, and there it is, in the most
sickly condition ever, dying! It never got any water at all,
for two weeks!"
I'm sitting there, horrified, thinking of some poor and
dehydrated animal, when the woman says, "I'm never letting
that kid take care of my lawn ever again!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A goober got a part time job at the Post Office. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Goober separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Goober at the end of his first day.
"I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had."
"Thank you, sir" said Goober, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even a better Job."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?"
Goober replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"People will pay more to be entertained than educated."- Johnny Carson
+++++++++++++++++++
"Parenting" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peekaboo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.
I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.
She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."
+++++++++++++++++++
BoyfriendsA good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.Talking to one of my daughters one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home."You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Tried and Trusted Employee
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I ve lost my memory!When did this happen?When did what happen? Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber bandWhy don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it! Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liarI can't believe that!
My housecat went down to the local military recruiting depot to sign up for the service. He came back about two hours later and sadly explained that he couldn't enlist because he would have to be de-furred.
+++++++++++++++++++
High School Reunion
My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits...and their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated." She glanced at the well-dressed crowd, then back at me, and said, "You're the only one who has to."
+++++++++++++++++++
Elephant Robbery
A jeweller called the police station to report a robbery. "You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away." The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?" "What's the difference?" asked the jeweller. "Well," said the sergeant, an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears." "Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweller. "He had a stocking over his head."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
How do ghosts learn songs?They read the sheet music! Why did Dracula go to the dentist?He had fang decay! What's the best way of seeing a witch?On the television!
+++++++++++++++++++
Two businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch. One of them says, "I have
a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the
circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could
let you have it for only $3,000."
The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What am I going to do
with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I
can't even squeeze in an end table. So why would I buy an elephant?"
The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two
grand."
"Well then," said the other, "now you're talking!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Uncle Paddy passed away, and it was up to young Robert to wire the
message back home to Glasgow. The cheapest price he could find was ten words
for three dollars.
The message reads as follows: UNCLE PADDY DIED YESTERDAY. NO PAIN.
SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN.
+++++++++++++++++++
Alex, I'll take "Things Only I Know" for $200
+++++++++++++++++++
Niece's Baby
I was in a public bathroom when I heard a woman talking to
her friend.
"... Yeah, so my niece just had her baby, and in the
excitement of it all, I admit I neglected it. And then I had
to go to New Mexico for my brother's wedding. I hired the
kid across the street from me to take care of it, and to
make sure it gets water a few times every day. It's just
been getting so hot outside! Anyways, when I come home, I
open the gate to my front yard, and there it is, in the most
sickly condition ever, dying! It never got any water at all,
for two weeks!"
I'm sitting there, horrified, thinking of some poor and
dehydrated animal, when the woman says, "I'm never letting
that kid take care of my lawn ever again!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A goober got a part time job at the Post Office. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Goober separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Goober at the end of his first day.
"I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had."
"Thank you, sir" said Goober, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even a better Job."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?"
Goober replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"People will pay more to be entertained than educated."- Johnny Carson
+++++++++++++++++++
"Parenting" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peekaboo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.
I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.
She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."
+++++++++++++++++++
BoyfriendsA good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.Talking to one of my daughters one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home."You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Tried and Trusted Employee
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I ve lost my memory!When did this happen?When did what happen? Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber bandWhy don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it! Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liarI can't believe that!
Saturday, July 07, 2007
hUMOR For July 7th
A pair of chickens go to the library
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Hopeless Pupil
"It's no good, Mrs. rATH," said hopeless Vernie. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other." "Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked Mrs. Rath, "But you only have two ears." "You see, I'm no good at math, either."
+++++++++++++++++++
The White House requested an extra $55 million for hurricane forecasting
equipment. Twenty five cents of that will be used to make a call to FEMA
headquarters to tell them a hurricane is coming.
+++++++++++++++++++
An old physics joke recounts that Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the
police for speeding one night. The police officer asks the professor, "Do
you have any idea how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am."
+++++++++++++++++++
Vacation: A two-week-long experience where money and time race against each
other until both are totally exhausted.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Just Visiting Here"
The tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to the girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up.
She laughed gaily, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here'."
"Ha-ha," he laughed, relishing her humor. "Where do you really live?"
"I'm just visiting here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"The New York Times says Ralph Nader is thinking of running for president again. We couldn't be more excited. ... Nader says he rejects the term spoiler. It's a lot better than loser." --Jay Leno "They're getting ready to unveil President Bush's presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush's presidential library said they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. So they said, 'In other words, we're just gonna build some stuff and see what happens.'" --Conan O'Brien "You remember Dick Cheney, he's the vice president of the United States. He shot an old man in the face and didn't tell anybody. Eventually, the news got out. Turned out the old man was fine. It was a hilarious story, and the old man ended up doing the right thing [on screen: atty Harry Whittington apologizing to Cheney's family for the amount of media coverage]. At the time we all thought, 'My God, how do you shoot an old man in the face ... and get him to apologize? Ohh, Cheney. He must be evil. What's he hiding? What are his secrets?' Well, as it turns out, what he was hiding is everything." --Jon Stewart "CNN, of course, was referring to revelations that Dick Cheney's office has for years refused to comply with an executive order requiring him to report how he was classifying secret documents. In fact, rather than comply, Cheney attempted to abolish the agency in charge of the oversight. But unfortunately, since you can't shoot an entire agency in the face, he resorted to a different tactic. Cheney now claims he doesn't have to follow the executive orders because he's not a member of the executive branch. Now before you say, 'Oh my God, the vice president's a crazy person that under normal circumstances wouldn't even be allowed to operate lightweight machinery,' listen to his argument: He's not part of the executive branch because he's also president of the Senate, a legislative body. ... It's like the Harlem Globetrotters saying they were part of Scooby and the Gang, even though they only showed up once at a haunted amusement park and once on some Christmas special, which doesn't even count" --Jon Stewart "He is correct. For Dick Cheney exists neither in the executive branch nor the legislative, yet simultaneously in both. He is neither man nor beast, yet has elements of the twain. He is at once everything and nothing, substance without form, shape without motion, time without reason. He is the highlander." --John Oliver, on Cheney claiming the systems of checks and balances do not apply to him "Hillary Clinton has a new campaign ad that spoofs 'The Sopranos' finale. In the ad, she orders carrot sticks at a diner, then switches the jukebox to a Celine Dion song. Hillary's calling the ad a lot of fun, and Bill is calling it a chilling window into his personal hell." --Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Expensive Doctors
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that." The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!" Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Little Pigs
Q. Why did the three little pigs decide to leave home?A. They thought their father was an awful boar.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Father: How were the exam questions?Son: EasyFather: Then why look so unhappy?Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers! Where was the Magna Carta signed?At the bottom! What are you going to be when you get out of school?An old man! What did you learn in school today?Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
+++++++++++++++++++
You've got to spend money to lose money.
+++++++++++++++++++
"I have a punishing workout regimen. Every day I do 3 minutes
on a treadmill, then I lie down, drink a glass of vodka and
smoke a cigarette." --Anthony Hopkins
+++++++++++++++++++
"My wife took pictures of me naked and sent them to Playgirl.
They passed on them, but I AM going to be in Field & Stream."
--Adam Sandler
***
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men
don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women
want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show
me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld
+++++++++++++++++++
Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store,
painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet
tall: YELD
Close, but not close enough. The next week I drove through
the same parking lot and found it was changed. They had
painted an I between the existing letters. Now it read
YEILD.
About two months later they finally fixed it. The old
lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted
on top of that was the word STOP.
+++++++++++++++++++
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist
stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging
through her purse, as so many patients did when they had
a check to write.
"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her
handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Hopeless Pupil
"It's no good, Mrs. rATH," said hopeless Vernie. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other." "Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked Mrs. Rath, "But you only have two ears." "You see, I'm no good at math, either."
+++++++++++++++++++
The White House requested an extra $55 million for hurricane forecasting
equipment. Twenty five cents of that will be used to make a call to FEMA
headquarters to tell them a hurricane is coming.
+++++++++++++++++++
An old physics joke recounts that Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the
police for speeding one night. The police officer asks the professor, "Do
you have any idea how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am."
+++++++++++++++++++
Vacation: A two-week-long experience where money and time race against each
other until both are totally exhausted.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Just Visiting Here"
The tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to the girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up.
She laughed gaily, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here'."
"Ha-ha," he laughed, relishing her humor. "Where do you really live?"
"I'm just visiting here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"The New York Times says Ralph Nader is thinking of running for president again. We couldn't be more excited. ... Nader says he rejects the term spoiler. It's a lot better than loser." --Jay Leno "They're getting ready to unveil President Bush's presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush's presidential library said they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. So they said, 'In other words, we're just gonna build some stuff and see what happens.'" --Conan O'Brien "You remember Dick Cheney, he's the vice president of the United States. He shot an old man in the face and didn't tell anybody. Eventually, the news got out. Turned out the old man was fine. It was a hilarious story, and the old man ended up doing the right thing [on screen: atty Harry Whittington apologizing to Cheney's family for the amount of media coverage]. At the time we all thought, 'My God, how do you shoot an old man in the face ... and get him to apologize? Ohh, Cheney. He must be evil. What's he hiding? What are his secrets?' Well, as it turns out, what he was hiding is everything." --Jon Stewart "CNN, of course, was referring to revelations that Dick Cheney's office has for years refused to comply with an executive order requiring him to report how he was classifying secret documents. In fact, rather than comply, Cheney attempted to abolish the agency in charge of the oversight. But unfortunately, since you can't shoot an entire agency in the face, he resorted to a different tactic. Cheney now claims he doesn't have to follow the executive orders because he's not a member of the executive branch. Now before you say, 'Oh my God, the vice president's a crazy person that under normal circumstances wouldn't even be allowed to operate lightweight machinery,' listen to his argument: He's not part of the executive branch because he's also president of the Senate, a legislative body. ... It's like the Harlem Globetrotters saying they were part of Scooby and the Gang, even though they only showed up once at a haunted amusement park and once on some Christmas special, which doesn't even count" --Jon Stewart "He is correct. For Dick Cheney exists neither in the executive branch nor the legislative, yet simultaneously in both. He is neither man nor beast, yet has elements of the twain. He is at once everything and nothing, substance without form, shape without motion, time without reason. He is the highlander." --John Oliver, on Cheney claiming the systems of checks and balances do not apply to him "Hillary Clinton has a new campaign ad that spoofs 'The Sopranos' finale. In the ad, she orders carrot sticks at a diner, then switches the jukebox to a Celine Dion song. Hillary's calling the ad a lot of fun, and Bill is calling it a chilling window into his personal hell." --Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Expensive Doctors
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that." The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!" Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Little Pigs
Q. Why did the three little pigs decide to leave home?A. They thought their father was an awful boar.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Father: How were the exam questions?Son: EasyFather: Then why look so unhappy?Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers! Where was the Magna Carta signed?At the bottom! What are you going to be when you get out of school?An old man! What did you learn in school today?Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
+++++++++++++++++++
You've got to spend money to lose money.
+++++++++++++++++++
"I have a punishing workout regimen. Every day I do 3 minutes
on a treadmill, then I lie down, drink a glass of vodka and
smoke a cigarette." --Anthony Hopkins
+++++++++++++++++++
"My wife took pictures of me naked and sent them to Playgirl.
They passed on them, but I AM going to be in Field & Stream."
--Adam Sandler
***
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men
don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women
want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show
me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld
+++++++++++++++++++
Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store,
painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet
tall: YELD
Close, but not close enough. The next week I drove through
the same parking lot and found it was changed. They had
painted an I between the existing letters. Now it read
YEILD.
About two months later they finally fixed it. The old
lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted
on top of that was the word STOP.
+++++++++++++++++++
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist
stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging
through her purse, as so many patients did when they had
a check to write.
"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her
handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
Friday, July 06, 2007
hUMOR For July 6th
Chocolate CaloriesA good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.Therefore...In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!I owe my life to chocolate.
+++++++++++++++++++
How To Please Your I.T. Department
(A quick check list for those who need to make contact.] 1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. 2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. 3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords. 4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all. 5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing. 6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve. 7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery. 8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. 9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here. 10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors. 11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle. 12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. 13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us. 14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. 15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
+++++++++++++++++++
Exam By Chance
A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions. The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false. The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out. Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely. The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
+++++++++++++++++++
Mom's Present
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What did the cross eyed school teacher say to his disruptive children?"I can't control my pupils." Why are there no Christians in Heaven yet?Because they are all still at the gates, saying to each other: "After you", "No, I insist after you..." How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb?What's a light bulb?
+++++++++++++++++++
The White House requested an extra $55 million for hurricane forecasting
equipment. Twenty five cents of that will be used to make a call to FEMA
headquarters to tell them a hurricane is coming.
+++++++++++++++++++
An old physics joke recounts that Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the
police for speeding one night. The police officer asks the professor, "Do
you have any idea how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am."
+++++++++++++++++++
Vacation: A two-week-long experience where money and time race against each
other until both are totally exhausted.
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but
your waiter may know!
YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH
This is pretty neat
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
go out to eat.
(more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 ....
If you haven't, add 1756.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number
(I. e., how! Many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2007) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND
WHILE IT LASTS
+++++++++++++++++++
Ten Dollar Gift
Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. The Aunt asked how she was going to spend it. "I'm taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God." the little girl replied. "He'll be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
I'm not going back to school ever againWhy ever not?The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions! Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her" What happens if you draw on the blackboard and the teacher told you not to?She draws a smack!
+++++++++++++++++++
How To Please Your I.T. Department
(A quick check list for those who need to make contact.] 1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. 2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. 3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords. 4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all. 5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing. 6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve. 7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery. 8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. 9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here. 10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors. 11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle. 12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. 13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us. 14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. 15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
+++++++++++++++++++
Exam By Chance
A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions. The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false. The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out. Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely. The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."
+++++++++++++++++++
Mom's Present
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What did the cross eyed school teacher say to his disruptive children?"I can't control my pupils." Why are there no Christians in Heaven yet?Because they are all still at the gates, saying to each other: "After you", "No, I insist after you..." How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb?What's a light bulb?
+++++++++++++++++++
The White House requested an extra $55 million for hurricane forecasting
equipment. Twenty five cents of that will be used to make a call to FEMA
headquarters to tell them a hurricane is coming.
+++++++++++++++++++
An old physics joke recounts that Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the
police for speeding one night. The police officer asks the professor, "Do
you have any idea how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am."
+++++++++++++++++++
Vacation: A two-week-long experience where money and time race against each
other until both are totally exhausted.
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but
your waiter may know!
YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH
This is pretty neat
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
go out to eat.
(more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 ....
If you haven't, add 1756.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number
(I. e., how! Many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2007) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND
WHILE IT LASTS
+++++++++++++++++++
Ten Dollar Gift
Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. The Aunt asked how she was going to spend it. "I'm taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God." the little girl replied. "He'll be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
I'm not going back to school ever againWhy ever not?The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions! Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her" What happens if you draw on the blackboard and the teacher told you not to?She draws a smack!
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