hUMOR For July 13th

Bad Leg
A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?" The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in my books," he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though," he continued. "Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

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Airline Rage
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!" The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy. As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: "Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!" Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!" The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"

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Reasons Why Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen

They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run
out of gas.
Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes,
chains, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out
floorboard clouds your vision.
The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The
driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front
fender is yellow, etc.
The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being
chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with
duct tape.
Top speed is only about 45 mph.
Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000
in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.
It's hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

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Each year, several giant computer expos at New York City's Jacob K. Javits
Convention Center attract mobs of people. I ran into a friend the day after
she had gone to one, and asked her about it.

"By the time I got there," she said, "it was so crowded you couldn't get a
nerd in edgewise."

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An ancient scroll that tells the story of Jesus from the point of view of
Judas, has been found in Egypt. In the text, Judas claims he only leaked
Jesus' whereabouts to the Romans after he was authorized to do so by Vice
President Cheney.

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"Back To School"
After raising 4 kids, and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started, but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years, a literature course.
The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.
He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."
I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking attendance!"

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CleanQuote
"Those who research and write about diseases could become ill-literate."

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"Suffering" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.
The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried.
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers.
"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

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How To Clean House

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin
4. Empty the Recycle Bin
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework
permanently?"
6. Press the mouse button firmly

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On a high school science quiz, there was the question, "When water becomes
ice which of its physical properties increases?"

Everyone answered, "Its volume.." Except one wise guy who wrote, "When water
becomes ice, its price increases."

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"A mild earthquake shook Mexico City. Fortunately no citizens of Mexico City
were hurt because they're all living in Los Angeles." - Conan O'Brien

hUMOR For July 12th

A bee farm was started by a man who wanted to keep buzzy.
A Redneck farmer first used a duck as an alarm clock – it woke him up at the quack of dawn.
A Filipino man was hired by the circus as a contortionist – he was the first Manila folder.
A slab of stone was discovered with a multiplication problem carved on it – it was the first concrete example.
A special pail was invented for electric milking machines because one good urn deserves an udder.
A woman invented a glass diaphragm because she wanted a womb with a view.
An artist invented the traverse rod because he wanted to draw drapes.
At the first Arabian Embassy ball, everyone danced sheik-to-sheik.
At the first convention of mathematicians, everyone sat around multiplication tables.
At the first flea circus, a dog came by and stole the show.
At the first Kentucky Derby, the announcer told everyone that “Poison Ivy” was scratched.
A&W opened the first drive-in restaurant for people who wanted to curb their appetites.Barbed wire was first used for de fence.
Before John Campbell invented lubricating oil, he was just squeaking by.
Before thimbles were invented, a lot of people got stuck without one.Candles were first used on a birthday cake for people who wanted to make light of their age.
Cavewoman’s first words to her husband: “Don’t just stand there – slay something!”
Clothes hampers first became popular with people who wanted to throw in the towel.
Comment from the first photofinisher: “Someday my prints will come.”Dental floss was invented in 1938 – that’s the tooth!
During the first labour dispute, a non-union laundry worker said, “Let’s iron while the strike is hot.”Eve asked Adam to start the first garden – the first thing he dug up was an excuse.\
Eve was the first person to eat herself out of house and home.First poultry reprimand: a woman had to scold her chickens because they were using fowl language.General Custer was the first man to wear an arrow shirt.
Graduates of the first dog-training school were awarded a barkalaureate degree.
Gum was first sold on a chew-chew train.In 1621 a Plymouth band began playing because they wanted to see Plymouth Rock.
In 1634 the first twins were born in America on a two’s day.
In 1640 the first calendar was produced – everyone knew its days were numbered.
In 1803 the first chimney sweep was hired and everyone said, “Soot yourself!”
In 1806 liquor was first made in the U.S. – it soon went into mash production.
In 1841 the first suspenders were made, but the company was held up.
In 1865 Canada sold the U.S. a herd of 40,000 bison. Then America received a buffalo bill.
In 1868 the first dressmaker’s shop opened – it seemed to do very well.
In 1869 walnuts were first introduced to America – some thought they weren’t all they were cracked up to be.
In 1883 the first bakery opened on the yeast coast.
In 1888 chains were made for pocket watches – for people who couldn’t afford to lost time.
In 1889 the first lighter-than-air craft departed on its maiden voyage – everyone thought it was a lot of balloony.
In 1892 a shipment of fruit was delivered by boat – it was the first water-mailin’.
In 1898 the first submarine sandwich was introduced, but the company went under.
In 1905 the formula for rouge was reddy.
In 1909 rodent traps were invented with hope that a lot of people would gopher them.
In 1909 the first magician appeared on stage – he was so bad, he made the audience disappear.
In 1911 the first radical engine was marketed – the inventor said, “Diesel be very good.”
In 1911 the first pill to cure headaches was introduced, but people found it hard to swallow.
In 1912 the first ceramic coffee mug was invented by a couple of guys – everyone said they made a nice cupple.
In 1913 valentine-shaped candy boxes were made for sweet hearts.
In 1914 the Panama Canal locks opened, but they forgot the cream cheese.
In 1915 pancake makeup was invented, but most people still preferred syrup.
In 1920 the branding iron was invented – the cattle were really impressed.
In 1924 Thomas Jack, an Englishman, invented the automated packaging machine – he was known as Jack the Wrapper.
In 1925 card playing reached the pinochle of success.
In 1931 the first shipment of hot dogs to the U.S. arrived from France – to pay off a foreign debt of 3 million francs.
In 1932 a banana-skin briefcase was made – for lawyers who wanted to appeal their cases.
In 1933 card playing was first banned aboard naval vessels – ships lost their decks.
In 1935 the first greyhound raced behind a restaurant – the biggest bet was made by a man with a hot dog.
In 1945 the first all-white Dalmation dog was spotted.
In 1948 the first dentist was hired by the National League to put on baseball caps.
In 1949 the first tightrope walker was hired by a circus – he was high-strung.
In 1951 vegetable farmers from all over the world held a meeting – it was the first peas conference.
In 1958 two men invented the radial tire – everyone said they made a nice spare.
In 1961 the skateboard was invented – it was a wheely good idea.
In 1968 pantsuits for women became fashionable, but ladies tried to skirt the issue.
In the first sheep farm in America, sheep stood wool-to-wool.
Irving Berlin’s song about Easter bonnets became number one on the hat parade.Knitted sox were first used for hand warmers, but they went down to defeat.Metal dog leashes were first sold only in chain stores.
Mustard was first invented in a Miami apartment. It was the first condimentium.New book on cloning: “Duet Yourself.”
New magazine for beginning gardeners: “Trowel and Error.”Outcome of the first clothing manufacturer strike: filing of a doubled-breasted suit against the government.People who bought the first books on lawn care became good weeders.Result of the first silkworm race: they ended up in a tie.
Retreads were first made for people who wanted to retire.Sandals were invented by a man who thought the show must go on.
Sandpaper was patented in 1834 – the inventor really had it rough.
Since the straight pin was invented, many people have gotten stuck up.
Soda pop was first bottled in Pensa Cola.
Someone set the first automobile commercial to music and created the first car tune.The dentist’s first gold tooth is called a flash in the pan.
The dye-makers’ convention held their first meeting in a tint.
The electric shaver was invented by a man who worked on it since he was a little shaver.
The first 40,000-story building opened in Brookline, Massachusetts – it was a library.
The first accountant to be hired by a circus was caught juggling the books.
The first airplane hangar was built for drip-dry planes.
The first airplane pilot’s license was made of fly paper.
The first alarm clock caused everyone to tock about it.
The first all-night bakery was run by a real dough nut.
The first archery contestant won by an arrow margin.
The first army dental unit had a good drill team.
The first art contest winners were chosen by a drawing.
The first artificial fish was the plastic sturgeon.
The first attorney wore a civil suit.
The first Australian beer was made out of kangaroo hops.
The first baby cookie was crying because his mother had been a wafer so long.
The first bad seafood salad was shrimp-ly awful.
The first bank without tellers was opened for people who believed that money talks.
The first barber shop was hair-conditioned.
The first bed bugs were brought to the Wild West by Buffalo Bill Cootie.
The first bird to fall into a can of varnish drowned, but it had a beautiful finish.
The first boat show had a yacht to offer.
The first book on wines was titled “Booze Who.”
The first building for optometrists became a site for sore eyes.
The first caddy used in golf was a tee totaller.
The first carpenter’s banquet served pound cake.
The first chair was made especially for royalty, but it was throne out.
The first Chinese lumberjack cut down trees with chop sticks.
The first Chinese mail delivery was made by boat – it delivered only junk mail.
The first clockmaker made a clock to make him rise and chime.
The first college marriage course was offered to give people a good wed-ucation.
The first conductor of the Boston Pops orchestra hired an assistant – the first band-aide.
The first cooking oil was bottled on Fry Day.
The first corn auction gave us auction-ears.
The first course for department-store Santa Clauses taught St. Nick knacks.
The first dancing school had waltz-to-waltz carpeting.
The first dentist had a tooth that drove him to extraction.
The first dentist to open an office in the Wild West was called a gum-slinger.
The first dentists’ banquet was held in 1927 – it was a $100 plate dinner: $50 for the upper and $50 for the lower.
The first diet was for people who were thick and tired of it all.
The first dock was built by a man who was liked by his pier group.
The first dog kennels were rented on a twenty-year leash.
The first dog obedience school had a large barking lot.
The first economics professor rode to class each day in a business cycle.
The first electrician studied current events.The first exterminating company opened on a fly day.
The first firefly to fly into a fan was absolutely delighted.
The first flea market started from scratch.
The first formal affair for dentists was held at a gum ball.
The first frog-jumping contest was everybody hoppy.
The first garden tool repair shop allowed the inventor to make mower money.
The first golf assistant was called a “Tee Caddy.”
The first haunted house was opened to the public – it had 20 scream doors.
The first hill-climbing contest was held for slope pokes.
The first horse motel was opened to provide animals with a stable environment.
The first Hungarian religious leader was found to be a Buddha pest.
The first illuminated golf course was opened for people who liked swinging nightclubs.
The first inspection of lobster catches was made by a claw-enforcement agency.
The first janitor’s union called for sweeping reforms.
The first king was crowned in a reign coat.
The first kitten that fell into a Xerox machine became a copycat.
The first laundryman was neurotic – he kept losing his buttons.
The first leather belt cost 90 cents – less than a buckle.
The first library was opened in Booklyn.
The first lubricant for wheels was caster oil.
The first macaroni factory in Chicago had to pasta inspection.
The first mail delivery by steamboat was authorized – it carried coast cards.
The first mail was delivered by dog sled – it arrived airedale spaniel delivery.
The first man to jump off the Eiffel Tower and land in the river was declared in Seine.
The first manufacturers of percussion instruments had to drum up business.
The first manufacturers of sugar had to take their lumps.
The first marble sculpture involved chip work.
The first marriage performed aboard a plane was a double-wing ceremony.
The first maternity ward was opened for people interested in the stork market.
The first merger of two fruit companies resulted in a perfect pear.
The first munitions manufacturer conference was a real blast.
The first music score was Beethoven: 7, Bach: 3.
The first musicians’ convention was held in Boston – it was well-staffed.
The first mythology exhibit was featured in a circus – it got centaur ring.
The first nudist convention received little coverage.
The first oboe music was printed for people who couldn’t reed.
The first official count of the U.S. population was made in 1790 – it made a lot of census.
The first optometry school put all its students in glass rooms.
The first orchestra was formed in Massachusetts, but it was band in Boston.
The first order of Chinese food to the White House weighed won ton.
The first pencil was thought to be pointless.
The first penny restaurant made lots of cents.
The first person in the monogram business achieved initial success.
The first person to have hard luck while gambling had to abandon chip.
The first person to stop playing in the handbell marathon won the No-Bell Piece Prize.
The first pig taken in a pawnshop was called a ham hock.
The first pocket-sized tape recorder was manufactured for people who liked small talk.
The first popcorn machine was invented by a Kentucky kernel.
The first postmaster got his job by stamping his feet.
The first price raise of sugar resulted in grocers raising cane.
The first prisoner’s play resulted in a cell-out.
The first railroad ran trains to Washington, D.C., so politicians could get on the right track.
The first recipe for beer was written as a brew-print.
The first restaurant to serve women only featured “Miss Steaks.”
The first rubber man to join the circus got bounced.
The first saddle was made without foot pieces, but people thought it might stirrup trouble.
The first sardine factory ended up canning all its employees.
The first savings bank opened for guys and dollars.
The first school was a classy place.
The first séance was conducted and publicized by a spooksman.
The first shipment of pigs to Chicago were kept in a porking lot.
The first shoemaker who opened his shop had a lot of sole.
The first short dresses were called ‘dogs’ because you could peek-on-knees.
The first soft drink in Australia: Coca-Koala.
The first soldier to hide inside a cannon to avoid guard duty was finally discharged.
The first straw hats had their hay day.
The first sunbather was a fry in the ointment.
The first switchboard operator didn’t like her job but she kept plugging away at it.
The first tailor shop to offer credit gave everything on the cuff.
The first tavern to open in Alaska was a polar bar.
The first telephone conversation was only eighteen feet apart – it was a close call.
The first thermometer was manufactured by a man with many degrees.
The first tree-climbing contest was held for those who wanted to limber up.
The first turkey farm had a gobblestone driveway.
The first use of shellac wasn’t successful, and it soon varnished from sight.
The first Venetian blinds were made by shady characters.
The first whitener for clothes was used in Miami Bleach.
The first wig for men brought about people who didn’t want toupee bald.
The first wigs imported from the Orient came by hair mail.
The first woman sworn into the navy became a permanent Wave.
The first wrought-iron gate was made by a worker who called it very fency.
The guy who invented the circular saw wanted to take a shortcut.
The invention of cardboard belts led to the first waist paper.
The invention of the coffee percolator gave us grounds for celebration.
The inventor of lighter fluid became flamous.
The inventor of rubber gloves thought they came in very handy.
The inventor of the auto muffler said it was exhausting work.
The inventor of the lighthouse celebrated the occasion with beacon and eggs.
The inventor of the recliner got a chair of the profits.
The inventor of the relief map got a raise.
The inventor of the rocket went out to launch.
The inventor of the safety pin in 1849 wasn’t too successful at first, but he stuck to his work.
The inventor of tweezers thought that they would do in a pinch.
The largest candle in the world burned for a wick.
The lumberjack union was formed by a splinter group.
The man who got the first music patent got it for a song.
The man who invented rope built a huge hempire.
The man who invented the boomerang tried for a comeback.
The man who invented the football got a kick out of it.
The man who invented velvet made a nice pile.
The waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.Waldo Graham holds the patent for artificial teeth – they were known as Graham clackers.
When adding machines were first used, they were so successful that they began to multiply.
When Boston began a cleanup campaign in 1946, it was the first grime wave.
When bread was first made commercially, everyone fell in loaf with it.
When chicken broth was first canned, everyone thought it was souper.
When cows were first shipped by raft, they travelled on cattle-logs.
When dynamite was first made, it did a booming business.
When electricity was first installed in an English castle, it marked the beginning of the first knight-light.
When hair dye was first packaged for home use, it really got to the root of the problem.
When hair rollers were invented, boys couldn’t use them – they were only for curls.
When laundry owners held their first convention, they sat on bleachers.
When margarine was invented, people said it was butter than nothing.
When metal bus tokens were first made, they were only worth tin cents.
When metal license plates were first distributed, many people tagged along.
When nylon stockings were first sold in the 1930’s, there was a run on them.
When peanuts were firsts packaged, the inventor hoped that they would shell fast.
When playing cards were invented, you could buy four suits for under a dollar for the first time.
When Scrabble was invented, many people sat down for a spell.
When small cushions were invented for sewing, people bought them for a pinny.
When soda was first bottled, the inventor’s son said, “That’s my pop!”
When surgical stitches were first used, the inventor said, “Suture self.”
When tanning oil was first bottled, it could only be used on sun-days.
When the first astronaut got married, the couple was known as “Mister and Missile.”
When the first automatic packaging machine was invented, the inventor
made a bundle.
When the first ax was developed, many people put it on their chopping list.
When the first barber shop school opened, everyone graduated at the head of his class.
When the first barber supply company burned, it was just a brush fire.
When the first bicycle repair shop opened, the owner became the industry’s
spokes-man.
When the first book was written on watchmaking, everyone thought it was about time.
When the first broom was invented, the inventor was so tired, he went to sweep.
When the first canine scale was made, it weighed only in dog pounds.
When the first chess tournament was held, the winner received a check.
When the first circuit breaker was introduced, people re-fused to use it.
When the first cookie factory burned down, everyone had free fire crackers.
When the first credit card was issued, people got a charge out of it.
When the first crossword puzzle was printed, the creator received $5,000 down and $2,000 across.
When the first diet club was formed, it was a losing proposition.
When the first diving school was opened, graduates got a deep-loma.
When the first escalator was used, everyone said it was a step in the right direction.
When the first giraffe was exhibited in a zoo, everyone paid a neckle to see it.
When the first hamburger press was made, its inventor got a patty on his back.
When the first ice cream cone was shown at a press conference, newsmen got a big scoop.
When the first indoor jogging machine was made, people bought it to get a run for their money.
When the first indoor tennis court was built, the builder made a net profit.
When the first infant stroller was made, some babies got a little buggy.
When the first interlocking jigsaw puzzle was invented, it caused a national
craze as the whole country went to pieces.
When the first mailbox was invented, everyone knew it would happen sooner or letter.
When the first marble building was erected, everyone took it for granted.
When the first medical school opened in 1900, it was stitched closed.
When the first miniskirts became popular, worried husbands said the thigh was the limit.
When the first national cooking champion was crowned, she appeared on TV on a program called “The Spice Is Right.”
When the first pain killer was marketed, it saved a lot of moaney.
When the first rodeo was held, the cowboys got a few bucks out of it.
When the first self-winding clock was made, everyone was tickled.
When the first textile school opened, the students became very materialistic.
When the first flower show was held, the first prize was a bloom ribbon.
When the inventor of the first elastic girdle was asked if it worked, he replied, “Of corset does!”
When the inventor sold his patent for malted milk, he felt he got a fair shake.
When the tailor’s wife saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
When thread was first made, everyone said, “Darn it!”
When ties were first worn, they were very collar full.
When water pistols were first sold, stores had squirtains on their windows.
When Willy Wonka made the first chocolate bar, he said, “Isn’t that sweet?”
When windows were first installed in the Empire State Building, they were a pane in the glass.
When wooden money was first issued, it was a sliver dollar.
When wooden shoes were first introduced, people lumbered around in them.
When wrought iron was first used for decoration, people were very grate-full.
Whoever built the first marble building had difficulty – it kept rolling away.
William Canby invented the first computing scales – just proves that when there’s a Will there’s a weigh.
World’s first funny animal: a stand-up chameleon.

hUMOR For July th

Couldn't Spell
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband. "Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?" "Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk.'"

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Free drinks for everyone
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

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Well Done
John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?" "I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."

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For The Kids...
Q: What do owls sing when it is raining? A: 'Too wet to woo'! Q: What do baby swans dance to?A: Cygnet-ure-tunes! Q: What birds spend all their time on their knees?A: Birds of prey! Q: What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?A: Tweetie Pie!

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If you're ever attacked by a circus, go for the juggler.
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Hire HerWhen your age doesn’t require an exact date…
A minister, interviewing a woman who was applying for a Church staff position, read her application and said, “I see your birthday is July 3. What year?”Her simple reply was, “Every year.”

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Fly By Night PilotInspiration in the darkness...Flying while Lying
“There's one thing I don't understand," the passenger said to the pilot on the red eye night flight. "How do you fly in the dark?”“Well,” answered the pilot, "there's a light on the left wing, a light on the right wing, and a light on the tail. All I have to do is keep the plane between the lights.”

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Chutzpah DefinedWhat's your quality of audacity?
A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.“Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents.”

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And They Ask Why I Like Retirement!
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?Answer: NUTS! Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal . Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.Question : What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. My favoriteQUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Mon to Fri. Nothing, Sat & Sun I rest. Share this one with all the retirees that you know. I'm sure they can relate to some of them! AND, If you have not yet retired, look what you have to look forward to.

+++++++++++++++++++

Question - When you apply for Welfare in Mexico what does that Government give you?

Answer - A map to the United States! And directions on how, and where, to cross the border!

+++++++++++++++++++

Waiter FeedbackThe diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he barked, "didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."

+++++++++++++++++++

The New Pastor
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter. Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

+++++++++++++++++++

For The Kids...
Why did the chicken cross the road at the fairground? To get to the other side! What did the lovesick bull say to the cow?'When I fall in love it will be for heifer'! Why were the hens lying on their backs with their legs in the air?Because eggs were going up! What do you call a sheep with no legs or head?A cloud! What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?An egg-splosion!

hUMOR For July 10th

"This is the kind of thing that would bum out any young guy.
I just found out my father lost his hair--in a slap fight."
--Vernon Chatman

+++++++++++++++++++

After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girl-
friend, she went inside to find seats while I got some
popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were already
being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down,
put the popcorn in my girlfriend's lap and gave her knee an
affectionate squeeze.

Then I heard a familiar voice say, "Pssst! John! I'm back
here."

+++++++++++++++++++

"Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but
did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the
back?"

+++++++++++++++++++

A bar in NYC is installing a breathalyzer. If your drunk, it
advises you not to drive. If you're really, really drunk, it
advises you not to call your old girlfriend.

+++++++++++++++++++

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that
tied female obesity to a virus. One evening my sister came
home exhausted from a long day at work.

"Did you read the paper?" she asked. "I'm not going in to
work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."

+++++++++++++++++++

Grandparents
I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret
My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.
An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Welsh Proverb
Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grand-child. ~Gore Vidal
Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Ogden Nash
When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. ~Marcy DeMaree
Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete. ~Lois Wyse
If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grand-children, I'd have had them first. ~Henry Youngman
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. ~Mary H. Waldrip
Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old. ~Proverb
You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. ~Dave Barry
The best babysitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida. ~Alex Haley
Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Joy Hargrove
One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grand-baby around the finger of a grandfather. ~G. Norman Collie
Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother. ~Authors Unknown
Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love.
Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting.
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren.
Grandmothers are just antique little girls.
It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one.
A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside.
Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.
Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever.

+++++++++++++++++++

Forgive and ForgetOnce upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized and they made up. However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done."Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'""It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten."

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Worst Family Feud Answers

Question: Name a former President that most people would say
is honest.

#1 Answer: Lincoln

Worst Answer: Nixon

-----

Question: Besides San Francisco, name a city that begins
with the word San.

#1 Answer: San Diego

Worst Answer: Seattle

-----

Question: Name a slang term used for important people.

#1 Answer: V.I.P.

Worst Answer: Buddy

-----

Question: Name something packrats have a hard time throwing
out.

#1 Answer: Photos

Worst Answer: Corn

-----

Question: Name something that might annoy a gardener.

#1 Answer: Bugs

Worst Answer: Not getting paid on time

-----

Question: Name a reason a man might send his wife flowers.

#1 Answer: Anniversary

Worst Answer: Happy divorce

-----

Question: Name a term used in football.

#1 Answer: Touchdown

Worst Answer: Fastbreak

-----

Question: Name a special request people ask for when making
a dinner reservation.

#1 Answer: Non-smoking

Worst Answer: A menu

-----

Question: Name someone you wouldn't want to get a phone call
from.

#1 Answer: The police

Worst Answer: Your son

-----

Question: Name a classical music composer everyone knows.

#1 Answer: Mozart

Worst Answer: Julio Iglesias

-----

Question: Tell me something specific you should drink a lot
of when you're sick.

#1 Answer: Water

Worst Answer: Alcohol

-----

Question: Name something you'd hate to find at the end of
your nose.

#1 Answer: Pimple

Worst Answer: Lint

-----

Question: Name the worst kind of shoe to run a marathon in.

#1 Answer: High heels

Worst Answer: Scuba flippers

-----

Question: Name something a person wouldn't want living in
their house.

#1 Answer: Relatives

Worst Answer: Mold

-----

Question: Name a musician who goes by one name.

#1 Answer: Madonna

Worst Answer: Reba McIntyre

-----

Question: Name something you think would be difficult about
being a waiter.

#1 Answer: Taking orders

Worst Answer: Falling down

-----

Question: Name a unit of currency used in a country other
than the U.S.

#1 Answer: Peso

Worst Answer: Ampere

-----

Question: Name a reason why a woman might not want to kiss
her boyfriend.

#1 Answer: Bad breath

Worst Answer: She doesn't love him that much.

-----

Question: Name something you do in front of your husband
that you probably never did when you were dating.

#1 Answer: Undress

Worst Answer: Make out

-----

Question: Name a complaint you might have about the pizza
that was just delivered.

#1 Answer: It's cold

Worst Answer: It went to the wrong address

-----

Question: Name an animal many people are scared of.

#1 Answer: Snake

Worst Answer: Boar

-----

Question: Name something you need to play Scrabble.

#1 Answer: Letters

Worst Answer: Dice

-----

Question: Name the age when a man might start to lose a lot
of hair.

#1 Answer: 30

Worst Answer: 14

-----

Question: Name the best month to schedule a wedding.

#1 Answer: June

Worst Answer: Summer

hUMOR For July 9th

Thirsty Cat
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water? He set a new lap record.

+++++++++++++++++++

FHA Loan
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Administration) loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to FHA, he received the following reply: "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared the Title to the proposed collateral property back to the year 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows: "Your letter regarding Titles in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have Titles extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property arena, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. "For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. "The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. "Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. "I hope you are satisfied. Now, may we have our Title?

+++++++++++++++++++

Hand DryersMy pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read:"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

+++++++++++++++++++

Two-by-fours
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four." The clerk said, "All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check." After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

+++++++++++++++++++

Dog Who Played Baseball
During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs. "That's incredible!" he exclaimed to the man next to him. "Yes," he said, "but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer."

+++++++++++++++++++

Science Lesson
Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?" A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

+++++++++++++++++++

For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.Please sit on the couch.Which one! Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing a spinning insect.Don't worry, it's just a bug that's going around! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a mothGet out of the way -- you're in my light!

+++++++++++++++++++

Police Comments

These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car
videos around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the
one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because
that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that
means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the
shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to
do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether
you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place
where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn
dogs, and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets
a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a
personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post
your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're
right, we don't. Sign here."

+++++++++++++++++++

An employee of the airport found a cell phone in one of the boarding areas.
She switched it on, hoping a caller would identify the owner. It rang, and
she answered it, but there was no response. When it rang a second time,
another female employee answered, and the same thing happened.

Moments later, a supervisor came by and picked up the ringing phone. "This
is Bob. May I help you?"

"Bob," the bewildered woman caller finally spoke. "Where is Bill, and who
are those two women he's with?"

+++++++++++++++++++

Typographical Blunders

Found in the Huron, S.D. PAY DAY: Apt. for rent: 3 br., deposit, lease. No
poets.

Ad in the New London, Conn., DAY: Medical receptionist: busy office is
searching for bright, capable self-starter. If you are cheerful and
reproductive under pressure, please send resume'.

In the classified section of the Battle Creek, Mich., ENQUIRER: Full-service
hotel looking to expand its existing food operation with a quality Sioux
chief.

The city of Staunton, Va., once issued instructions for using its voting
machines that included this passage: To correct a mistake, turn lover to
original position and make another choice.

In a Santa Rosa, CA, PRESS DEMOCRAT article on high-school football: Taylor
Frey led the Cougars on defense with eight tickles.

+++++++++++++++++++

"'Buffet' is a French term that means, 'Get up and get it yourself.'" - Greg
Ray

+++++++++++++++++++

"Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but
did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the
back?"

hUMOR For July 8th

Military Kittie
My housecat went down to the local military recruiting depot to sign up for the service. He came back about two hours later and sadly explained that he couldn't enlist because he would have to be de-furred.

+++++++++++++++++++

High School Reunion
My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits...and their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, "I'm the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated." She glanced at the well-dressed crowd, then back at me, and said, "You're the only one who has to."

+++++++++++++++++++

Elephant Robbery
A jeweller called the police station to report a robbery. "You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away." The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?" "What's the difference?" asked the jeweller. "Well," said the sergeant, an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears." "Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweller. "He had a stocking over his head."

+++++++++++++++++++

For The Kids...
How do ghosts learn songs?They read the sheet music! Why did Dracula go to the dentist?He had fang decay! What's the best way of seeing a witch?On the television!

+++++++++++++++++++

Two businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch. One of them says, "I have
a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the
circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could
let you have it for only $3,000."

The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What am I going to do
with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I
can't even squeeze in an end table. So why would I buy an elephant?"

The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two
grand."

"Well then," said the other, "now you're talking!"

+++++++++++++++++++

Old Uncle Paddy passed away, and it was up to young Robert to wire the
message back home to Glasgow. The cheapest price he could find was ten words
for three dollars.

The message reads as follows: UNCLE PADDY DIED YESTERDAY. NO PAIN.
SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN.

+++++++++++++++++++

Alex, I'll take "Things Only I Know" for $200

+++++++++++++++++++

Niece's Baby

I was in a public bathroom when I heard a woman talking to
her friend.

"... Yeah, so my niece just had her baby, and in the
excitement of it all, I admit I neglected it. And then I had
to go to New Mexico for my brother's wedding. I hired the
kid across the street from me to take care of it, and to
make sure it gets water a few times every day. It's just
been getting so hot outside! Anyways, when I come home, I
open the gate to my front yard, and there it is, in the most
sickly condition ever, dying! It never got any water at all,
for two weeks!"

I'm sitting there, horrified, thinking of some poor and
dehydrated animal, when the woman says, "I'm never letting
that kid take care of my lawn ever again!"

+++++++++++++++++++

A goober got a part time job at the Post Office. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Goober separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Goober at the end of his first day.
"I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had."
"Thank you, sir" said Goober, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even a better Job."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?"
Goober replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."

+++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote
"People will pay more to be entertained than educated."- Johnny Carson

+++++++++++++++++++

"Parenting" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peekaboo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.
I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.
She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."

+++++++++++++++++++

BoyfriendsA good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.Talking to one of my daughters one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home."You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."

+++++++++++++++++++

A Tried and Trusted Employee
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

+++++++++++++++++++

For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I ve lost my memory!When did this happen?When did what happen? Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber bandWhy don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it! Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liarI can't believe that!

hUMOR For July 7th

A pair of chickens go to the library
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter. Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
+++++++++++++++++++

Hopeless Pupil
"It's no good, Mrs. rATH," said hopeless Vernie. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other." "Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked Mrs. Rath, "But you only have two ears." "You see, I'm no good at math, either."

+++++++++++++++++++

The White House requested an extra $55 million for hurricane forecasting
equipment. Twenty five cents of that will be used to make a call to FEMA
headquarters to tell them a hurricane is coming.

+++++++++++++++++++

An old physics joke recounts that Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the
police for speeding one night. The police officer asks the professor, "Do
you have any idea how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am."

+++++++++++++++++++

Vacation: A two-week-long experience where money and time race against each
other until both are totally exhausted.

+++++++++++++++++++

"Just Visiting Here"
The tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to the girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up.
She laughed gaily, "When I don't want a man's attentions," she confided, "and he asks where I live, I just say, 'I'm visiting here'."
"Ha-ha," he laughed, relishing her humor. "Where do you really live?"
"I'm just visiting here."

+++++++++++++++++++

Recent Quips from Late Night
"The New York Times says Ralph Nader is thinking of running for president again. We couldn't be more excited. ... Nader says he rejects the term spoiler. It's a lot better than loser." --Jay Leno "They're getting ready to unveil President Bush's presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush's presidential library said they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. So they said, 'In other words, we're just gonna build some stuff and see what happens.'" --Conan O'Brien "You remember Dick Cheney, he's the vice president of the United States. He shot an old man in the face and didn't tell anybody. Eventually, the news got out. Turned out the old man was fine. It was a hilarious story, and the old man ended up doing the right thing [on screen: atty Harry Whittington apologizing to Cheney's family for the amount of media coverage]. At the time we all thought, 'My God, how do you shoot an old man in the face ... and get him to apologize? Ohh, Cheney. He must be evil. What's he hiding? What are his secrets?' Well, as it turns out, what he was hiding is everything." --Jon Stewart "CNN, of course, was referring to revelations that Dick Cheney's office has for years refused to comply with an executive order requiring him to report how he was classifying secret documents. In fact, rather than comply, Cheney attempted to abolish the agency in charge of the oversight. But unfortunately, since you can't shoot an entire agency in the face, he resorted to a different tactic. Cheney now claims he doesn't have to follow the executive orders because he's not a member of the executive branch. Now before you say, 'Oh my God, the vice president's a crazy person that under normal circumstances wouldn't even be allowed to operate lightweight machinery,' listen to his argument: He's not part of the executive branch because he's also president of the Senate, a legislative body. ... It's like the Harlem Globetrotters saying they were part of Scooby and the Gang, even though they only showed up once at a haunted amusement park and once on some Christmas special, which doesn't even count" --Jon Stewart "He is correct. For Dick Cheney exists neither in the executive branch nor the legislative, yet simultaneously in both. He is neither man nor beast, yet has elements of the twain. He is at once everything and nothing, substance without form, shape without motion, time without reason. He is the highlander." --John Oliver, on Cheney claiming the systems of checks and balances do not apply to him "Hillary Clinton has a new campaign ad that spoofs 'The Sopranos' finale. In the ad, she orders carrot sticks at a diner, then switches the jukebox to a Celine Dion song. Hillary's calling the ad a lot of fun, and Bill is calling it a chilling window into his personal hell." --Conan O'Brien

+++++++++++++++++++

Expensive Doctors
A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that." The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!" Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

+++++++++++++++++++

Three Little Pigs
Q. Why did the three little pigs decide to leave home?A. They thought their father was an awful boar.

+++++++++++++++++++

For The Kids...
Father: How were the exam questions?Son: EasyFather: Then why look so unhappy?Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers! Where was the Magna Carta signed?At the bottom! What are you going to be when you get out of school?An old man! What did you learn in school today?Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

+++++++++++++++++++

You've got to spend money to lose money.

+++++++++++++++++++

"I have a punishing workout regimen. Every day I do 3 minutes
on a treadmill, then I lie down, drink a glass of vodka and
smoke a cigarette." --Anthony Hopkins

+++++++++++++++++++
"My wife took pictures of me naked and sent them to Playgirl.
They passed on them, but I AM going to be in Field & Stream."
--Adam Sandler

***

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men
don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women
want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show
me somebody naked." --Jerry Seinfeld

+++++++++++++++++++

Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store,
painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet
tall: YELD

Close, but not close enough. The next week I drove through
the same parking lot and found it was changed. They had
painted an I between the existing letters. Now it read
YEILD.

About two months later they finally fixed it. The old
lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted
on top of that was the word STOP.

+++++++++++++++++++

A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist
stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging
through her purse, as so many patients did when they had
a check to write.

"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.

"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her
handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.

hUMOR For July 6th

Chocolate CaloriesA good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.Therefore...In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!I owe my life to chocolate.

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How To Please Your I.T. Department
(A quick check list for those who need to make contact.] 1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours. 2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here. 3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords. 4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all. 5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing. 6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve. 7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery. 8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it. 9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here. 10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support. We're collectors. 11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle. 12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument. 13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us. 14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. 15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

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Exam By Chance
A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true/false questions. The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false. The young student finished the exam in 30 minutes, while the rest of the class was sweating it out. Suddenly, during the last few minutes, the young student began desperately throwing the coin and sweating profusely. The moderator, alarmed, approached the student and asked what was going on. "Well, I finished the exam in half an hour," said the student, "but I thought I ought to recheck my answers."

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Mom's Present
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

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For The Kids...
What did the cross eyed school teacher say to his disruptive children?"I can't control my pupils." Why are there no Christians in Heaven yet?Because they are all still at the gates, saying to each other: "After you", "No, I insist after you..." How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb?What's a light bulb?

+++++++++++++++++++

The White House requested an extra $55 million for hurricane forecasting
equipment. Twenty five cents of that will be used to make a call to FEMA
headquarters to tell them a hurricane is coming.

+++++++++++++++++++

An old physics joke recounts that Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by the
police for speeding one night. The police officer asks the professor, "Do
you have any idea how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am."

+++++++++++++++++++

Vacation: A two-week-long experience where money and time race against each
other until both are totally exhausted.

+++++++++++++++++++

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but
your waiter may know!
YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH
This is pretty neat
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to
go out to eat.
(more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 ....
If you haven't, add 1756.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number
(I. e., how! Many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2007) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND
WHILE IT LASTS

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Ten Dollar Gift
Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. The Aunt asked how she was going to spend it. "I'm taking it to Sunday School and giving it to God." the little girl replied. "He'll be just as surprised as I was at not getting a dollar like usual."

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For The Kids...
I'm not going back to school ever againWhy ever not?The teacher doesn't know a thing, all she does is ask questions! Fred came home from his first day at school. "Nothing exciting happened", he told his mother, "Except the teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told her" What happens if you draw on the blackboard and the teacher told you not to?She draws a smack!

hUMOR For July 5th

Chicago Cab Driver
On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a cab. "The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver. The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. "And the gentleman?" he asked, "Does he want to go to the bank?"

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A guy walks into a post office ...
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who? But why? asks the man. I'm a divorce lawyer, the man replies.

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The easiest way to make decisions is to pretend that the consequences don't
matter.

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"French Dream"
A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class.
To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."
The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!"
"Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?"
"I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."

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Oneliner
"The sandwich dates back to the time man discovered he could not live by bread alone."

+++++++++++++++++++

Southern Driven
First of all there are a few changes in the drien laws from up north.
We don't use turn signals, just tell someone where you are going and everybody else will know.
Speed limits are just sugestions, but if ya wreck, we told ya it was to fast.
Stop signs and yield signs are just sugestions, you don't have to stop if ya in a hurry.
You can pass on the grass if there is enough room.

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Redneck Family Tree
Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy, I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa.

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You Kill It * We Grill It Entrees Canine Cusine Center line bovine $4.95 Slab of Lab $3.50 The Chiken $2.95 Pit Bull Pot Pie $3.95 (Who did not make it) Cocker Cutlets $2.35 Flat Cat $4.59 Shar-Pei Filet $5.25 Poodles-N-Noodles $3.80 A Taste of the Wild Side Snippet O' Whippet $5.00 Collie Hit By A Trolley $3.99 Chunk Of Skunk $1.00 German Shepard Pie $2.99 Smidgeon of Pigeon $3.75 Round of Hound $3.68 Road Toad ALa Mode $4.55 Shake-N-Bake Snake $4.44 Guess That Mess Swirl of Squirel $3.25 WipperWill on a Gril $2.89 Late Night Delight $1.00 Narrow Sparrow $4.57 Rack of Racoon $1.50 Rigor Mortis Tortise $3.79 Smear of Deer $0.99 Awsome Possum $1.25 Cheap Sheep $0.50

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Winter Survival
There is an ugly rumor that we can't drive in the snow. It's not like we southerners couldn't learn to drive in the snow. It's just that we never get a chance. And when we do, Watch Out.
First, we go about creating the ever popular three-rut road. This is acomplished when the first car, heading north, drives with it's ledt tires where the center line would be if you could see it. The cars heading south also drive with there left tires in the center of the road. This forms a three-rut road and makes for some interesting driving when autos meet each other.
Next, we never drive over one and a half miles an hour. This is so that we can never build up enough speed to get any traction and spend most of our time spinning our wheels and sliding back and forth. If we do get up enough speed, we like to apply our brakes briskly and suddenly.
The North has snowplows and all sorts of snow removal equipment at it's disposal. Most municipalities in the South have an old shovel and some ice cream salt. We do have, however, three or four guys in each community who ride around in a four-wheel-drive vehicle. THey will pull you out of the ditch or run you in it according to their mood.
As soon as we hear the word snow mentioned in the weather forecast, we are all obligated to report to the nearest grocery store immediatley. This is becouse many southerners starved to death in a blizard during the Civil War when they came home with Moon Pies instead of stocking up on bread and milk. If you get a good dusting of snow today you have to have a couple of loaves of bread and a good milk cow or you're doomed.
There is a law in the south that if snow is spotted, schools are to shut down immediately. MInd you, this is if snow is spotted anywhere in a 200-mile radius of the school. We call off school because we don't want our kidds riding home in the snow on those dangerous school buses. Then we put them on a garbage can lid, tie it to the back bumper of the pick up and pull them around on the interstate. It's great fun.
An excerpt from "holiday hilarities: A Collection of Holiday Humor" by Warren Dixon Jr. As cited in Carolina Country December 1999.

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Home Repair Tips
Tools Needed
Each home shuld have these toools.
Duck Tape
Sledge Hamer
How to Fix Some Common Problems
Leaky Sink How To Fix: Wrap the pipes with duck tape and if it stil leaks put a buket under it.
Car Want Run How To Fix: Open the hood and hit the engine with a sledge hammer.
Broken Window How To Fix: Cover cracks with ducktape and if needed tape a trash bag over any holes.
Stuck Door How To Fix: Hit it with a sledge hamer.
How To Install A Skylight. How To: Make hole with sledge hamer and cover with a clear piece of plastic. Ducktape in place.
Creaky Steps. How To Fix: Hit them with a sledge hammer.
Leaky Roof How To Fix: Find the leak and ducktap over it.
Torn Cloths How To Fix: Ducktape them back together.
Shoes Fallen Apart. How To Fix: Wrap them in ducktape.

+++++++++++++++++++

”Job Spelling”
Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father does for a living, and spell it. First kid says, "My daddy's a baker. That's b-a-k-e-r. He makes bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat."
Second kid says, "My daddy's a banker. That's b-a-n-k-e-r. He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys."
Next kid says, "My daddy's an electrician. That's e-l-a-k...uh, e-l-e-x...uh...."
Teacher interrupts, saying, "That's okay, Rayford. Think about it and we'll come back to you." Turning to Little Johnny, she says, "You're next, Johnny."
Little Johnny says, "My daddy's a bookie. That's b-o-o-k-i-e, and I'll lay you odds ten to one Rayford don't ever spell electrician."

hUMOR For July 4th

Biology Test

Students in biology were taking their final exam. The last
question
was,
"Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk," worth 70 points or none
at
all.
One student was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote;
1. It is the perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to the mother, & vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.


And then the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating
the end of the test rang, he wrote;

7. It comes in really awesome containers.
He got an A

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Mensa Convention

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or
higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San
Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.
While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker
contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without
spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly
this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented
ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution
involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They
called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the
pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She
unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

+++++++++++++++++++

Mensa Convention

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or
higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San
Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe.
While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker
contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without
spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly
this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented
ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution
involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They
called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the
pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She
unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

+++++++++++++++++++

This has got to be one of the most cleverE-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too muchspare time or is deadly at Scrabble.(Wait till you see the last one)! DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters:MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: ! When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :When you rearrange the letters:HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters:IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters:LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters:TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: "Hot today in New York. If you have an oyster bar in your
town, try this: Go to the oyster bar, sit down, order coffee,
whatever you're going to have, then when they're not looking,
fill your pants with shaved ice." -Dave Letterman
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaaytoo much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law). Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!DON' T FORGET TO SHARE THIS

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Deer CrossingA crew of highway maintenance workers was sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one crew member looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.Turning to a co-worker he said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"

+++++++++++++++++++

"The iPhone came out today. People were camping out all night
in front of the store. These people are pathetic, really...
Oh, come on — get a life. Especially the people behind me in
line. They were noisy." -Craig Ferguson

+++++++++++++++++++

"The iPhone comes out today. The summer release date coincides
perfectly with the first day of pushing people in the pool
with their phones in the pockets." -Jimmy Kimmel

+++++++++++++++++++

Brandon, my grandson was working at a pet store that offered
free replacement fish to any that die. A lady called and
stated that her hamster had died. The salesperson who answered
the phone misunderstood her, thinking it was a fish, told her
to place it in a plastic bag with water and return it so it
could be replaced. The lady followed instructions to a "T"
and brought her dead hamster in a bag of water and handed to
my grandson and said "my hamster died." Laughing he replied
"Was that before or after you placed it in the bag of water?"

He was fired for not showing sympathy to a customer!

+++++++++++++++++++

Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner
had to call an electrician, a roofer and a carpenter. One
afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's
truck in the driveway.

"Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let her be
having an affair."

hUMOR For July 3rd

I had just pulled into a parking spot at the home improvement store when
smoke and flames began pouring from under my hood. Frantic, I bolted into
the store and ran up to the first clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was
standing behind the customer service counter.

"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a fire extinguisher!"

Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."

+++++++++++++++++++

"At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted
all my life to hear: 'My dad owns a liquor store.'" - Mark Klein

+++++++++++++++++++

Recent Quips from Late Night
"Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich is heading an 'Impeach Dick Cheney' movement. First of all, how many heart attacks has Cheney had? Five? Six? Want to get rid of this guy? Buy him a cheeseburger." --Jay Leno "This morning in Washington, President Bush attended the 6th Annual Hispanic Prayer Breakfast. At the breakfast, President Bush showed off his Spanish by ordering 'El Capitan Cruncho.'" --Conan O'Brien "All of the candidates have released their financial statements. Turns out Bill Clinton made $10 million from speaking engagements last year. See that sounds glamorous, but imagine all those nights in a hotel room, Hillary half-way across the country, him sitting there by himself all lonely." --Jay Leno "President Bush was in Albania. He thought he was going to Albany. Anyway, he ended up in Albania ... and somebody stole his watch. Bush is upset. He is really angry. He said he now has no choice but to bomb Iran." --David Letterman "The Pentagon has admitted they once tried to develop a gay bomb -- a bomb that would turn enemy soldiers gay. They said their goal was to turn the Iraq war into a musical. ... Gay bomb? Talk about a troop surge. ... I believe the main ingredients in the gay bomb are an agent orange with a chartreuse accent." --Jay Leno "Yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told a Latino group if immigrants want to learn English, they should not read foreign-language newspapers. The Latino group told Arnold, 'How about you tell us how you learned English, and we'll do the opposite.'" --Conan O'Brien "Presidential candidate Tommy Thompson ... gave a major campaign speech yesterday. A major speech to let everyone know he is not dropping out of the race ... and he is entering the Iowa straw poll and he intends to win it. And then the kid at the McDonald's drive-thru said, 'You want fries, Mr.?'" --Jay Leno

+++++++++++++++++++

Alphabet
Little Johnny asks the teacher, "Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?" The teacher says, "Yes, but only after you recite the alphabet Johnny." Little Johnny says, "Fine" and quickly babbles out: a "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO_QRSTUVWXYZ!" The teacher asks, "Where is the P?" Johnny replies, "Running down my leg. Please let me go to the bathroom!"

+++++++++++++++++++

Beethoven's Grave
A daring vacationer in Vienna is walking through a graveyard when all of a sudden she hears music. No one is around, so she starts looking to see where ita (tm)s coming from. She finally locates the source and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads, a oeLudwig van Beethoven.a Then she realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward. Puzzled, she leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with her. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but it is also being played backward. Curious, the ladies agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing and the expert concludes that the symphonies are in fact being played in reverse order. By the next day the word spread and a huge group gathered around the grave to hear the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker approaches the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!!"

+++++++++++++++++++

For The Kids...
Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a stone? Because nothing like this had ever entered his mind before. Did you hear about the man who bought had a dog with no legs? He called it cigarette. He used to take it out for a drag. What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the Hotdog Vender? Make me One with everything.

+++++++++++++++++++

No Novocaine

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to
the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want
novocaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just
extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on
our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a
courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your
tooth, dear."

+++++++++++++++++++

The best work in the world is done by people who's bosses don't know what
they're doing.

+++++++++++++++++++

"Ice Cream Flavors"
The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.
"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."

+++++++++++++++++++

Oneliner
"A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door."

+++++++++++++++++++

"Musical Note"
The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.
The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I'm fine."

+++++++++++++++++++

First Day of Psychiatry ClassThe aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?""Sadness," said the student.And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma."Elation," she said."And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

hUMOR For July 2nd

Car Shopping
A couple had been looking at new cars for months. He wanted a simple truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zoom through traffic and look like a princess. He would have settled for almost any old truck, but everything she wanted was way out of price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 220 in 5 seconds or less. Valentines Day is coming up and you should surprise me with something really really great this year!" Soon Valentines Day arrived and she un-wrapped her brand new bathroom scale.

+++++++++++++++++++

Playing House
A little girl and a little boy were at daycare. The girl approached the boy and said, "Hey Johnny, wanna play house?" He said, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replied, "I want you to communicate." He said to her, "That word is too big. I have no idea what it means." The little girl smirked and said, "Perfect. You can be the husband!"

+++++++++++++++++++

Have long marriages
Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage. They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

+++++++++++++++++++

For The Kids...
What happened at the vampires race?It finished neck and neck! What's a vampire's favourite drink?A bloody mary! Why did the car stop when it saw a ghost?It had a nervous breakdown! What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?"Auld Fang Syne"!

+++++++++++++++++++

I was a salesman and always wore a shirt and tie which made me stand out in
Key West. Tourists would walk up to me and
ask me what to do at night. I would tell them that people gather at "Mallory
Square" to watch the sunset. There are street performers and very
interesting sights but most go there just to watch the sunset.

They would reply, "How often is that?"

+++++++++++++++++++

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her, "Just
so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some
machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

+++++++++++++++++++

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

+++++++++++++++++++

Tough Life
A guy has one arm and decides he doesn't want to go on with life, not being able to do the things other guys can do with two arms. So, he goes up to the 20th story of a building and is trying to build up the nerve to jump. As he's standing there a guy comes walking on the sidewalk below. The one-armed man notice's that this other guy has NO arms at all. He watches as the guy stops on the sidewalk and starts dancing and spinning in circles. The one-armed man thinks to himself how selfish he is, in that he has one arm and is ready to end it all! So, he decides to go down and talk to the No-armed man. He goes down and walks up to the guy and says, a "Hey mana I've been up on the 20th floor considering to end it all because I have only One arm. Here you are with No arms and are dancing around. What's your deal?" The guy with No arms says, "Arrrrr - dude I'm NOT happy! My nose itches!!!" Moral: Think Differently. If you got no arms, get a friend to itch your nose.

+++++++++++++++++++

The bum on a street
A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"
+++++++++++++++++++

Saving All The Seats
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."

+++++++++++++++++++

For The Kids...
How do ghosts learn songs?They read the sheet music! Why did Dracula go to the dentist?He had fang decay! What's the best way of seeing a witch?On the television!

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Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives'
birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and
have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went
to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the
job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk
seemed experienced.

"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and
anniversaries?" I asked.

"Have you tried a wife?" he replied.