Monkey travels in space
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.LOS ANGELES TIMES, October 8:One of the passengers in a Soviet spacecraft is fooling around with the equipment, and his monkeyshines may end the flight prematurely. The passenger is in fact a monkey named Yarosha -- Russian slang for village troublemaker. Evidently bored on the fifth day of a scheduled 12-day flight, Yarosha slipped out of his harness and took a tour of the spacecraft. Tass, the Soviet news agency, reported that Yarosha was having a delightful time tampering with all of the equipment within reach. Watch out, Yarosha; if you break something, they'll probably dock your flight pay.
+++++++++++++++++++
Threaten with a knife
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Sunday, November 29, 1992Robert A. Chase, 45, was charged with threatening an 11-year-old boy with a knife in Madison, Wis. The boy was watching Chase play basketball with another adult when the opponent accused Chase of "traveling" (taking steps without dribbling the ball).To seek an impartial opinion, Chase asked the boy, but the boy agreed that Chase had traveled. Chase then allegedly grabbed the boy, held a knife to his throat, and asked, "Now. Did I travel?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Unsanitary conditions
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Wednesday, October 21, 1992The local board of health closed down the Wing Wah Chinese restaurant in South Dennis, Mass., briefly in August for various violations.The most serious, said officials, was the restaurant's practice of draining water from cabbage by putting it in cloth laundry bags, placing them between two pieces of plywood in the parking lot, and driving over them with a van.Said Health Director Ted Dumas, "I've seen everything now."
+++++++++++++++++++
Robbing a locked bank
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Wednesday, October 21, 1992In Annandale, Va., two armed men rushed the front door of First American Bank just after manager Dwight Smith opened up.Unknown to the men, the door had locked automatically behind Smith.The first robber bounced off the door hitting the second man.They escaped in their van and have not been captured.
+++++++++++++++++++
Public school dangers
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Sunday, November 29, 1992An investigation by the Dallas Morning News revealed the city's public schools employ at least 185 people who have been convicted of felonies, including two convicted murderers.In response, the school superintendent promised that the city would begin periodic records checks.
+++++++++++++++++++
Locked in the trunk
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Monday, December 7, 1992Joe Albert Ruiz, 19, was arrested in Santa Maria in September. Police said he had broken into a car in the middle of the night and was in the trunk, disconnecting the rear speakers, when the trunk closed and locked him in.Neighbors reported strange noises, and a police officer called to the scene heard Ruiz banging on the trunk and yelling, "Let me out!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Normal traffic stop
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Sunday, December 13, 1992After police pulled over Kevin Temple, 35, in a routine traffic stop in Bronson, Fla., in October, a police dog sniffing the trunk became agitated. In the trunk and back seat, officers found the following live animals: 48 rattlesnakes, a Gila monster, 45 non-poisonous snakes, 67 scorpions, several tarantulas and small lizards, and a parrot. Temple said they were just pets.
+++++++++++++++++++
Invent artificial dogs
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Sunday, November 22, 1992Researchers at Cornell University recently patented an artificial dog that would speed up the breeding of fleas for lab use.Previously, the lab required 25 live, severely infected dogs to breed the 12,000 fleas per day needed in studies of humans' and animals' allergic reactions to fleas.
+++++++++++++++++++
Hotel's loud snorers
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Sunday, December 13, 1992In October, the Swallows Hotel in Gateshead, England, offered 11 chronic snorers a free night's stay so they it could test how well soundproofed the rooms are. The hotel staff tape-recorded the sounds coming from the rooms and promised the loudest snorer a prize.
+++++++++++++++++++
Set up hidden cameras
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.December 18, 1992Michael J. Schmidt, 29, set up a hidden video camera at his home near Superior, Wis., because he had been burglarized several times and thought he could catch the culprits in the act.The burglars came back and were captured on tape, which Schmidt turned over to the sheriff.Among the items the burglars took from Schmidt's house was a box containing eight marijuana plants.Schmidt was charged with misdemeanor drug possession.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tied in an election
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.January 12, 1993Richard Kyle won his Arizona House seat in November more easily than he had won the Republican primary in September. He and his primary opponent, John Gaylord, had tied and had agreed to settle things with one hand of five-card stud dealt by the speaker of the Arizona House.Kyle's pair of sevens put him into the general election.
+++++++++++++++++++
Striking statistics
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.The odds of winnning the California lottery by matching all six numbers are 14 times greater than the odds of being struck by lightening, according to Lottery magazine. the figure drops to nine times greater in New Jersey, six times greater in Pennsylvania, and four times greater in Connecticut.
+++++++++++++++++++
Candidate's shootout
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Fargo, North Dakota:A candidate for sheriff has challenged his opponents to a shootout, calling it a test of a law officer's ability to protect the public."Clearly, being the best shot doesn't necessarily make you the best sheriff, but I think it proves a point," Ken Schwab said Tuesday.Schwab wants the four other candidates to meet him June 1 at a shooting range. Each will fire 24 rounds at targets to determine the best shot, Schwab said.The challenge could be a problem for one candidate -- a well-known local tax protester and convicted felon who's not allowed to possess a firearm
Monday, May 21, 2007
Sunday, May 20, 2007
hUMOR For May 21st
I Hear Ringing.....From a 12/05/04 Reuters story on Yahoo! News:"Now Japanese mobile operators (companies) are taking phone sound systems to the next level with stereo-quality songs that can be fully downloaded and edited, as well as surround-sound systems that trick users into hearing a bell ringing behind them or a ball whizzing by."What a genius idea: you hear your cell phone ringing, but can't tell where thesound is coming from.
+++++++++++++++++++
Talented Rat
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ice Cream Humor
Q. How do astronauts eat their ice creams? A. In floats Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur! Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ?A: Ice Cream Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?A: Pi a'la mode.
+++++++++++++++++++
Microsoft Air
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around,rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What's green a slimy and found at the North Pole? A lost frog! What's green and tough?A toad with a machine gun! Why didn't the female frog lay eggs?Because her husband spawned her affections! What do you call a 100 year old frog?An old croak!
+++++++++++++++++++
Danny was playing with his little brother Vernie when the little boy asked
whether he could fly like Superman. "Sure you can, Vernie," Danny said,
"Just flap your arms really hard."
So Vernie climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped,
then smashed into the ground just a few inches below. Horrified, their
mother came screaming into the room and said, "What happened?"
Danny said, "I was just teaching Vernie not to believe everything he's
told."
+++++++++++++++++++
At graduation day to mark the end of a particularly trying year the
principal said, "A parent said to me recently that half the teachers do all
the work and the other half nothing at all. I'd like to assure all the
parents here this afternoon that at this school the opposite is the case."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever
dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer." - Jim Carrey
+++++++++++++++++++
Talented Rat
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ice Cream Humor
Q. How do astronauts eat their ice creams? A. In floats Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur! Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ?A: Ice Cream Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?A: Pi a'la mode.
+++++++++++++++++++
Microsoft Air
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around,rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What's green a slimy and found at the North Pole? A lost frog! What's green and tough?A toad with a machine gun! Why didn't the female frog lay eggs?Because her husband spawned her affections! What do you call a 100 year old frog?An old croak!
+++++++++++++++++++
Danny was playing with his little brother Vernie when the little boy asked
whether he could fly like Superman. "Sure you can, Vernie," Danny said,
"Just flap your arms really hard."
So Vernie climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped,
then smashed into the ground just a few inches below. Horrified, their
mother came screaming into the room and said, "What happened?"
Danny said, "I was just teaching Vernie not to believe everything he's
told."
+++++++++++++++++++
At graduation day to mark the end of a particularly trying year the
principal said, "A parent said to me recently that half the teachers do all
the work and the other half nothing at all. I'd like to assure all the
parents here this afternoon that at this school the opposite is the case."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever
dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer." - Jim Carrey
Saturday, May 19, 2007
hUMOR For May 19th
Faster than a Speeding NunA police officer pulls over a car load of nuns....Officer: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."Officer: "Oh Sister, that's not the speed limit. That's the name of the highway you're on!"Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."At this point the officer looks in the back seat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.Officer: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
+++++++++++++++++++
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a
balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be
considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser
is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten
minutes.
1. Other women!
+++++++++++++++++++
Equal Marriage
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a marriage with equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!" Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached."Here, my love, enjoy!" Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."
+++++++++++++++++++
Baptism
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"
+++++++++++++++++++
Useful Words Not Found in the Dictionary
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Knock KnockWho's there?Miniature!Miniature who?Miniature open the door, I'll tell you! Knock KnockWho's there?Minneapolis!Minneapolis who?Minneapolis a day keeps the doctor away! Knock KnockWho's there?Minnie!Minnie who?Minnie more! Knock KnockWho's there?Minnie!Minnie who?No not Minnie-who - Minnehaha! Knock KnockWho's there?Minsk!Minsk who?Minsk meat!
+++++++++++++++++++
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to
the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between
Them.
+++++++++++++++++++
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." ________________________________________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." ________________________________________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." _______________________________________________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." _______________________________________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS:
Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time,
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _______________________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" _______________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.
I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes,
they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough,
the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a
balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be
considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser
is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten
minutes.
1. Other women!
+++++++++++++++++++
Equal Marriage
Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a marriage with equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!" Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached."Here, my love, enjoy!" Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."
+++++++++++++++++++
Baptism
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"
+++++++++++++++++++
Useful Words Not Found in the Dictionary
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader who doesn't get it. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Knock KnockWho's there?Miniature!Miniature who?Miniature open the door, I'll tell you! Knock KnockWho's there?Minneapolis!Minneapolis who?Minneapolis a day keeps the doctor away! Knock KnockWho's there?Minnie!Minnie who?Minnie more! Knock KnockWho's there?Minnie!Minnie who?No not Minnie-who - Minnehaha! Knock KnockWho's there?Minsk!Minsk who?Minsk meat!
+++++++++++++++++++
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to
the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between
Them.
+++++++++++++++++++
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." ________________________________________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." ________________________________________________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." _______________________________________________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." _______________________________________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS:
Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time,
but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _______________________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" _______________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.
I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes,
they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough,
the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"
Friday, May 18, 2007
hUMOR For May 18th
Hunter shot by fox
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Hunter Shot to Death By a Fox, Belgrade, Associated PressA fox shot and killed a 38-year-old hunter in central Yugoslavia, the official Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported yesterday.Salih Hajdur, a farmer from the village of Gornje Hrasno in the Republic of Bosnia-Hercegovina, went to a nearby forest Sunday to shoot a fox, Tanjug said.Hajdur wounded a fox in the leg, the agency said, but to spare the skin he did not fire again. Instead, he hit the animal with his refle butt. The struggling animal triggered a shot that hit Hajdur in the chest and killed him instantly, Tanjug said. The fox died later, Tanjug added.
+++++++++++++++++++
Attorney questioning
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney.Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight?Witness: Yes.Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere?Witness: Yes.Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand?Witness: Yes.Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff's ear??!!Witness: Yes.Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then! If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the plaintiff and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?Witness: Yes, correct.Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the plaintiff's ear?Witness: No.Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE PLAINTIFF IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!!Witness: I saw him spit it out.(Dead Silence)Attorney: No more questions.
+++++++++++++++++++
Strange headline news
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A bird dropped a snake over a California power station, short-circuiting a line and causing a two-hour blackout.
A Creighton University (Nebraska) Law School senior, told she wouldn't graduate because of a failing grade on a final exam, sued her professor, claiming he flunked her because she is "politically incorrect."
Biloxi, Mississippi, jurors acquitted a woman of drug charges, then passed the hat to collect $55 to pay her bus fare home to Texas.
A man allegedly held up 18 New York businesses after casing the places while filling out job or rental applications. The spree ended after he accidentally signed his real name on one of the forms, police said.
Harlan County, Nebraska, Assessor Floyd Schippert was unopposed in the Democratic primary, and just to be sure, he entered -- and won -- the Republican primary also.
Willie Turner wasn't running for the Dendron, Virginia, Town Council. He didn't even vote. But he won with five write-in votes.
A Hollywood, California man is accused of renting cars, selling them, then stealing them back for return to the rental companies.
Corpus Christi, Texas, police said it was a hit-and-gallop accident: A man crashed his truck into the back of a car, then fled on the horse he was pulling in the trailer.
+++++++++++++++++++
Bees pay you a visit
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Patterson, New Jersey:When 60-year-old Al Asbaty returned to his car after shopping, he was startled to find that thousands of bees were building a hive inside his Oldsmobile.Due to the sunny and warm weather, he had left the windows rolled down, allowing a queen bee to fly in, followed by about 20,000 of her most faithful servants.Just as one of Asbaty's relatives was about to spray the inside of the car with a can of insecticide, police bee expert Tom Fuscalo arrived and managed to coax the insects into an artificial hive.
+++++++++++++++++++
Free marriage ceremony
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Farmer's Branch, Texas:Customers waiting for car repairs at Swedish Auto Incorporated now have an alternative to reading old magazines.William Signs, owner of the garage, is offering a free marriage ceremony with any 30,000-mile inspection on Hondas, Volvos and BMWs. For the $290 price of the inspection, he will throw in the cost of being married by the local justice of the peace, a $25 value.The inspection comes with a warranty, but there is no guarantee on the marriage. Then again, the justice of the peace, Judge Bob Forman, suggests, "Maybe the car will break down and the marriage won't." He says he hasn't seen anything like this stunt since his days as a practicing attorney, when a client asked him to draw up wills for employees in lieu of cash bonuses at Christmas.Signs said he got the idea during a trip to Las Vegas, where he noticed a helicopter operator offering free marriage ceremonies with the purchase of a deluxe helicopter ride. He decided to borrow the concept and bring some joy to the unhappy business of auto repair. "Normally people don't get good news" at auto shops, he adds.The mechanic isn't concerned about his offer hastening the nuptials of mismatched partners or cheapening the institution of marriage. After all, 30,000-mile inspections aren't inexpensive. "They're going to have to spend almost $300." he says.If the promotion proves popular, Signs is prepared to expand it to providing one-size-fits-all tuxedos and wedding dresses of the type that grooms and brides easily slip into at high-volume Las Vegas wedding chapels. For customers whose marriages fall apart, Signs is considering another bargain -- an uncontested divorce after four 30,000-mile inspections, a $100 value.To advertise the promotion, Signs sent out a mailing to prospective customers and placed an ad on the side the shop van. But the ad began two months ago, and so far no one has taken Signs up on it. He has, however, heard lots of giggles and guffaws from people who call or stop to ask if the deal is real.Meanwhile, his own Volvo is approaching another 30,000-mile point, and he's worried that his girlfriend may notice and pressure him to cash in on his own offer. To avoid that, he says he's considering disabling his odometer.
+++++++++++++++++++
Technology is too good
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Seattle, Washington:The new U.S. Weather Service radar on Camano Island and atmospheric profiler at Sand Point began to pick up a mysterious 20 mile per hour wind out of the south each night about a month ago, a wind that started about sunset and ended at dawn.Forecasters finally realized the new instrument is almost too accurate for its own good: It was detecting no wind, but the annual nighttime migration of thousands of birds towards the north, said a meteorologist.
+++++++++++++++++++
I'll sue for injuries
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Fort Worth, Texas:Lee Lively thought he was doing the right thing when he shot a drunken driving suspect who had beaten up a policeman and was running away.His faith was shaken when Jesus Puentes demanded $1.7 million for his wounds.But the jury said Puentes is the one who must pay -- $1.75 million in punitive damages and $1,000 for Cpl. Randy Whisenhunt's injuries."We just wanted to make a statement. We're tired of the frivolous lawsuits that are plaguing our court system," juror Elsie Bowles said.February 17, 1990, Lively saw Puentes grabbing for Whisenhunt's gun. The officer managed to knock it away, but ended up with Puentes sitting on his chest, beating his face.Lively said he leaped out of his truck and beat Puentes to the gun. As Puentes began to run, Lively said he shouted twice for him to stop, then shot him twice in the legs.
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Hunter Shot to Death By a Fox, Belgrade, Associated PressA fox shot and killed a 38-year-old hunter in central Yugoslavia, the official Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported yesterday.Salih Hajdur, a farmer from the village of Gornje Hrasno in the Republic of Bosnia-Hercegovina, went to a nearby forest Sunday to shoot a fox, Tanjug said.Hajdur wounded a fox in the leg, the agency said, but to spare the skin he did not fire again. Instead, he hit the animal with his refle butt. The struggling animal triggered a shot that hit Hajdur in the chest and killed him instantly, Tanjug said. The fox died later, Tanjug added.
+++++++++++++++++++
Attorney questioning
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney.Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight?Witness: Yes.Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere?Witness: Yes.Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand?Witness: Yes.Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff's ear??!!Witness: Yes.Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then! If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the plaintiff and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?Witness: Yes, correct.Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the plaintiff's ear?Witness: No.Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE PLAINTIFF IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!!Witness: I saw him spit it out.(Dead Silence)Attorney: No more questions.
+++++++++++++++++++
Strange headline news
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A bird dropped a snake over a California power station, short-circuiting a line and causing a two-hour blackout.
A Creighton University (Nebraska) Law School senior, told she wouldn't graduate because of a failing grade on a final exam, sued her professor, claiming he flunked her because she is "politically incorrect."
Biloxi, Mississippi, jurors acquitted a woman of drug charges, then passed the hat to collect $55 to pay her bus fare home to Texas.
A man allegedly held up 18 New York businesses after casing the places while filling out job or rental applications. The spree ended after he accidentally signed his real name on one of the forms, police said.
Harlan County, Nebraska, Assessor Floyd Schippert was unopposed in the Democratic primary, and just to be sure, he entered -- and won -- the Republican primary also.
Willie Turner wasn't running for the Dendron, Virginia, Town Council. He didn't even vote. But he won with five write-in votes.
A Hollywood, California man is accused of renting cars, selling them, then stealing them back for return to the rental companies.
Corpus Christi, Texas, police said it was a hit-and-gallop accident: A man crashed his truck into the back of a car, then fled on the horse he was pulling in the trailer.
+++++++++++++++++++
Bees pay you a visit
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Patterson, New Jersey:When 60-year-old Al Asbaty returned to his car after shopping, he was startled to find that thousands of bees were building a hive inside his Oldsmobile.Due to the sunny and warm weather, he had left the windows rolled down, allowing a queen bee to fly in, followed by about 20,000 of her most faithful servants.Just as one of Asbaty's relatives was about to spray the inside of the car with a can of insecticide, police bee expert Tom Fuscalo arrived and managed to coax the insects into an artificial hive.
+++++++++++++++++++
Free marriage ceremony
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Farmer's Branch, Texas:Customers waiting for car repairs at Swedish Auto Incorporated now have an alternative to reading old magazines.William Signs, owner of the garage, is offering a free marriage ceremony with any 30,000-mile inspection on Hondas, Volvos and BMWs. For the $290 price of the inspection, he will throw in the cost of being married by the local justice of the peace, a $25 value.The inspection comes with a warranty, but there is no guarantee on the marriage. Then again, the justice of the peace, Judge Bob Forman, suggests, "Maybe the car will break down and the marriage won't." He says he hasn't seen anything like this stunt since his days as a practicing attorney, when a client asked him to draw up wills for employees in lieu of cash bonuses at Christmas.Signs said he got the idea during a trip to Las Vegas, where he noticed a helicopter operator offering free marriage ceremonies with the purchase of a deluxe helicopter ride. He decided to borrow the concept and bring some joy to the unhappy business of auto repair. "Normally people don't get good news" at auto shops, he adds.The mechanic isn't concerned about his offer hastening the nuptials of mismatched partners or cheapening the institution of marriage. After all, 30,000-mile inspections aren't inexpensive. "They're going to have to spend almost $300." he says.If the promotion proves popular, Signs is prepared to expand it to providing one-size-fits-all tuxedos and wedding dresses of the type that grooms and brides easily slip into at high-volume Las Vegas wedding chapels. For customers whose marriages fall apart, Signs is considering another bargain -- an uncontested divorce after four 30,000-mile inspections, a $100 value.To advertise the promotion, Signs sent out a mailing to prospective customers and placed an ad on the side the shop van. But the ad began two months ago, and so far no one has taken Signs up on it. He has, however, heard lots of giggles and guffaws from people who call or stop to ask if the deal is real.Meanwhile, his own Volvo is approaching another 30,000-mile point, and he's worried that his girlfriend may notice and pressure him to cash in on his own offer. To avoid that, he says he's considering disabling his odometer.
+++++++++++++++++++
Technology is too good
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Seattle, Washington:The new U.S. Weather Service radar on Camano Island and atmospheric profiler at Sand Point began to pick up a mysterious 20 mile per hour wind out of the south each night about a month ago, a wind that started about sunset and ended at dawn.Forecasters finally realized the new instrument is almost too accurate for its own good: It was detecting no wind, but the annual nighttime migration of thousands of birds towards the north, said a meteorologist.
+++++++++++++++++++
I'll sue for injuries
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Fort Worth, Texas:Lee Lively thought he was doing the right thing when he shot a drunken driving suspect who had beaten up a policeman and was running away.His faith was shaken when Jesus Puentes demanded $1.7 million for his wounds.But the jury said Puentes is the one who must pay -- $1.75 million in punitive damages and $1,000 for Cpl. Randy Whisenhunt's injuries."We just wanted to make a statement. We're tired of the frivolous lawsuits that are plaguing our court system," juror Elsie Bowles said.February 17, 1990, Lively saw Puentes grabbing for Whisenhunt's gun. The officer managed to knock it away, but ended up with Puentes sitting on his chest, beating his face.Lively said he leaped out of his truck and beat Puentes to the gun. As Puentes began to run, Lively said he shouted twice for him to stop, then shot him twice in the legs.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
hUMOR For May 17th
Well Done
John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?" "I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
+++++++++++++++++++
The momentous question.
For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question. "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows." To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea! Can I help you pick out a puppy?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Redhead
A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde." "I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What happens if you draw on the blackboard and the teacher told you not to?She draws a smack! Who was the biggest thief in history?Atlas, he held up the whole world! Father: How were the exam questions?Son: EasyFather: Then why look so unhappy?Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!
+++++++++++++++++++
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
+++++++++++++++++++
A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed, great-looking
suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of aftershave, presenting a
well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady. The gentleman
walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to
her, and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"A word to the wise does no good. It's the stupid people out there that need
the help." - Bill Cosby
+++++++++++++++++++
Ordering fast food
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.One night, a few co-workers at the computer data centre where I work stayed late and we all started to get hungry. We decided to order in food by phone, but our boss thought that, since we work with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After we contacted a fast food chain's web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screeen: "Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days."
+++++++++++++++++++
Find out about the cat
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Did you understand me?
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?"The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Who drove that bus
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.In June a replacement bus driver hired by Greyhound during the drivers' strike met the bus he was to drive from Delaware to New York City. However, a passenger on the bus wound up driving to New York because the substitute driver could not drive a stick shift.
+++++++++++++++++++
Call us for assistance
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, 'Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?'The lady said, 'My phone doesn't have an eleven.'
+++++++++++++++++++
Converting to metric
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said:All signs metricNext 20 miles
+++++++++++++++++++
Fortune cookie mistake
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.On Saturday last, I had dinner at a local Chinese restaurant. My fortune read:"You will gain admiration from your pears."Comice? Bartlett? Canned? I don't grow or eat them, anyway.
+++++++++++++++++++
A new type of fraud
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.New York, NYPolice across the nation are warning people who wear pagers to be on the lookout for the latest scam.According to police, pagers in several states have been beeped by a number displaying a 212 area code (New York) and the prefix 540. When the victims return the call, they are charged $55 on their phone bill.The call the respondent makes has been electronically linked into a 900 "pay-per-call" system which allows the charge to be added to the phone bill."People will look at the number and say 'Gee, who is calling me from out of state? It must be important,'" said an investigator.
+++++++++++++++++++
Newspaper typing error
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.The following appeared on the back page of one of Australia's more outrageous computer publications, "Computing Australia", 21st Sept 1987: ... Blame it on the computer.An unfriendly computer has been held responsible for a "potentially lethal error" involving a Mafia loan collector.A New York paper inadvertently put the `heavy' in the running for a pair of custom-fitted concrete shoes when it identified him as a "ruthless informer".According to a published retraction (and apology!), a writer on the paper had actually typed "ruthless enforcer" - but the computer system's spelling checker liked it the other way.And I thought the worst you could expect from a "computer error" was a bill for a million dollars!
John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?" "I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
+++++++++++++++++++
The momentous question.
For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question. "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows." To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea! Can I help you pick out a puppy?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Redhead
A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde." "I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What happens if you draw on the blackboard and the teacher told you not to?She draws a smack! Who was the biggest thief in history?Atlas, he held up the whole world! Father: How were the exam questions?Son: EasyFather: Then why look so unhappy?Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!
+++++++++++++++++++
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
+++++++++++++++++++
A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed, great-looking
suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of aftershave, presenting a
well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady. The gentleman
walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to
her, and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"A word to the wise does no good. It's the stupid people out there that need
the help." - Bill Cosby
+++++++++++++++++++
Ordering fast food
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.One night, a few co-workers at the computer data centre where I work stayed late and we all started to get hungry. We decided to order in food by phone, but our boss thought that, since we work with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After we contacted a fast food chain's web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screeen: "Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days."
+++++++++++++++++++
Find out about the cat
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Did you understand me?
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?"The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Who drove that bus
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.In June a replacement bus driver hired by Greyhound during the drivers' strike met the bus he was to drive from Delaware to New York City. However, a passenger on the bus wound up driving to New York because the substitute driver could not drive a stick shift.
+++++++++++++++++++
Call us for assistance
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, 'Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?'The lady said, 'My phone doesn't have an eleven.'
+++++++++++++++++++
Converting to metric
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said:All signs metricNext 20 miles
+++++++++++++++++++
Fortune cookie mistake
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.On Saturday last, I had dinner at a local Chinese restaurant. My fortune read:"You will gain admiration from your pears."Comice? Bartlett? Canned? I don't grow or eat them, anyway.
+++++++++++++++++++
A new type of fraud
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.New York, NYPolice across the nation are warning people who wear pagers to be on the lookout for the latest scam.According to police, pagers in several states have been beeped by a number displaying a 212 area code (New York) and the prefix 540. When the victims return the call, they are charged $55 on their phone bill.The call the respondent makes has been electronically linked into a 900 "pay-per-call" system which allows the charge to be added to the phone bill."People will look at the number and say 'Gee, who is calling me from out of state? It must be important,'" said an investigator.
+++++++++++++++++++
Newspaper typing error
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.The following appeared on the back page of one of Australia's more outrageous computer publications, "Computing Australia", 21st Sept 1987: ... Blame it on the computer.An unfriendly computer has been held responsible for a "potentially lethal error" involving a Mafia loan collector.A New York paper inadvertently put the `heavy' in the running for a pair of custom-fitted concrete shoes when it identified him as a "ruthless informer".According to a published retraction (and apology!), a writer on the paper had actually typed "ruthless enforcer" - but the computer system's spelling checker liked it the other way.And I thought the worst you could expect from a "computer error" was a bill for a million dollars!
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
hUMOR For May 16th
"Coach Call"
As a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. Bob, a fellow coach, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night.
When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away.
"Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?"
The flustered kid replied, "Three."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
When Ronald Reagan was elected governor of California, movie mogul Jack Warner said, "It's our fault. We should have given him better parts."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Singing Fish"
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'
Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'
Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'
Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'
Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'
Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'
+++++++++++++++++++
”Aviation Aptitude”
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp.
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Tool GlossaryBELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.DREMEL TOOL - A very useful tool for modellers which allows them to make more mistakes much faster, thereby turning $100 kits into spare parts, and completely justifying the purchase of another $100 kit.DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your can drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Also used as replacement for screwdriver.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW!
As a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes tend to focus too much on sports. Bob, a fellow coach, was talking about one such player, who called him at home one night.
When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away.
"Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?"
The flustered kid replied, "Three."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
When Ronald Reagan was elected governor of California, movie mogul Jack Warner said, "It's our fault. We should have given him better parts."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Singing Fish"
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'
Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'
Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'
Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'
Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'
Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'
+++++++++++++++++++
”Aviation Aptitude”
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp.
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Tool GlossaryBELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.DREMEL TOOL - A very useful tool for modellers which allows them to make more mistakes much faster, thereby turning $100 kits into spare parts, and completely justifying the purchase of another $100 kit.DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your can drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. Also used as replacement for screwdriver.HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.WELDING GLOVES: Heavy-duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW!
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
hUMOR For May 15th
Changing a Light Bulb
Q. How many men does it take to change a light bulb? A. One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?A. None. They just sit there in the dark and complain.
+++++++++++++++++++
Organized Crime
No matter how much the government fights it, organized crime just seems to get more organized every day. The police pulled in a Mob kingpin recently and reminded him he had the right to make a phone call. "Just fax the arrest report to my lawyer," the mobster said calmly.
+++++++++++++++++++
What Sound
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. "Davey, what sound does a cow make?"Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'." "Alice, what sound does a cat make?"Alice said, "It goes 'meow'." "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa'." "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh... it goes... 'click'!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?Monkfish! What bit of fish doesn't make sense?The piece of cod that passeth all understanding! What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?A fish tank! What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish?Tsardines! What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!
+++++++++++++++++++
A rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of
wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown
down the street, but he is an old man, using a cane, and he
can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a
young man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the
hat and returns it to the rabbi.
"I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," says
the rabbi. "Thank you very much." The rabbi then places his
hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."
The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the
rabbi. This must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the
racetrack, and in the first race he sees there is a horse
named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50, and sure enough, the
horse comes in first.
In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1,
so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.
Finally, at the end of the day, he returns home to his wife.
When she asks him where he's been, he explains how he caught
the rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to the
track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their
names.
"So where's the money?" she asks.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named
Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house; Chapeau is a hat!"
"It doesn't matter," he said. "The winner was some Japanese
horse named Yarmulke."
+++++++++++++++++++
Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
+++++++++++++++++++
New Rules
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com. There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. It's because you don't particularly
like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days. He's mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger. If it
was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label and the top is now the
bottom. By the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jackass.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge jackass.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier. By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper,
plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup
on aisle nine.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt and it
translates to "beef with broccoli." You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too darned exciting.
What's next, competitive flatulence? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't care in the first place.
Q. How many men does it take to change a light bulb? A. One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?A. None. They just sit there in the dark and complain.
+++++++++++++++++++
Organized Crime
No matter how much the government fights it, organized crime just seems to get more organized every day. The police pulled in a Mob kingpin recently and reminded him he had the right to make a phone call. "Just fax the arrest report to my lawyer," the mobster said calmly.
+++++++++++++++++++
What Sound
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. "Davey, what sound does a cow make?"Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'." "Alice, what sound does a cat make?"Alice said, "It goes 'meow'." "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa'." "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh... it goes... 'click'!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?Monkfish! What bit of fish doesn't make sense?The piece of cod that passeth all understanding! What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?A fish tank! What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish?Tsardines! What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?I wanna hold you hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!
+++++++++++++++++++
A rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of
wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown
down the street, but he is an old man, using a cane, and he
can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a
young man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the
hat and returns it to the rabbi.
"I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," says
the rabbi. "Thank you very much." The rabbi then places his
hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."
The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the
rabbi. This must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the
racetrack, and in the first race he sees there is a horse
named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50, and sure enough, the
horse comes in first.
In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1,
so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.
Finally, at the end of the day, he returns home to his wife.
When she asks him where he's been, he explains how he caught
the rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to the
track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their
names.
"So where's the money?" she asks.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named
Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house; Chapeau is a hat!"
"It doesn't matter," he said. "The winner was some Japanese
horse named Yarmulke."
+++++++++++++++++++
Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
+++++++++++++++++++
New Rules
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com. There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. It's because you don't particularly
like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days. He's mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger. If it
was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label and the top is now the
bottom. By the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jackass.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge jackass.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier. By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper,
plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup
on aisle nine.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt and it
translates to "beef with broccoli." You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too darned exciting.
What's next, competitive flatulence? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't care in the first place.
Monday, May 14, 2007
hUMOR For May 14th
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't pick your nose when you're finger painting.
+++++++++++++++++++
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question."What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
+++++++++++++++++++
My Cousin Vinnie
An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only relative, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Cousin Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Cousin Alfonso
A few days later he received a letter from his Cousin Vinnie.
Dear Cousin Alfonso,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love,
Cousin Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Cousin Alfonso,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Cousin Vinnie
+++++++++++++++++++
"Funeral Weather"
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.
The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.
The little ol man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I keep losing the war on poverty because my money keeps fraternizing with the enemy."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Proper Attire"
Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice:
"Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."
+++++++++++++++++++
Young WriterA 3-year-old was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story."What's it about?" he asked."I don't know," she replied, "I can't read."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Berle Marriages”
In 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy. But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the same woman all over again?
"Because" Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of my first wife."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Very Dirty Little Fellow
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Shopping Methodology
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Accident
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What did Noah do for a job? He was an arkitecht! What's that fly doing in my gravy?Looks like the breast stroke! Teacher: When do astronauts eat?Pupil: At launch time! Father: You were absent on the day of the test?Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't pick your nose when you're finger painting.
+++++++++++++++++++
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question."What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
+++++++++++++++++++
My Cousin Vinnie
An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only relative, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Cousin Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Cousin Alfonso
A few days later he received a letter from his Cousin Vinnie.
Dear Cousin Alfonso,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love,
Cousin Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Cousin Alfonso,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Cousin Vinnie
+++++++++++++++++++
"Funeral Weather"
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.
The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.
The little ol man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I keep losing the war on poverty because my money keeps fraternizing with the enemy."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Proper Attire"
Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice:
"Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."
+++++++++++++++++++
Young WriterA 3-year-old was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story."What's it about?" he asked."I don't know," she replied, "I can't read."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Berle Marriages”
In 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy. But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the same woman all over again?
"Because" Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of my first wife."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Very Dirty Little Fellow
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Shopping Methodology
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Accident
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What did Noah do for a job? He was an arkitecht! What's that fly doing in my gravy?Looks like the breast stroke! Teacher: When do astronauts eat?Pupil: At launch time! Father: You were absent on the day of the test?Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!
Sunday, May 13, 2007
hUMOR For May 13th
Over 60?
Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done, you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter
antique stores?
A: "I remember these."
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage Requires Teamwork!A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"
+++++++++++++++++++
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to
My husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically
Telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
Toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece! Of toilet paper and stand
in
Front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
Between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even
walk
Again although he will probably continue to take his meals through A
straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class
memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm
23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task, but he just couldn't
remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get
past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled
to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was
very nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and
said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I
need to know."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Stone's Throw
A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told. "But how will I recognize it?" asked the man. Came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."
+++++++++++++++++++
Toronto
A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. "Master, you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you." The man thought for a moment and said, "I would like the following three things to happen this year -- The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title." The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.
+++++++++++++++++++
Deep Thoughts
- Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? - Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? - Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale? - Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? - Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? - How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures? - Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath? - Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear? - When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'It's all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?' - Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? - Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you? Little Johnny: You said it was my lunch money.
+++++++++++++++++++
Have you ever had a resume rejected? Don't ever let it happen again. The
next time that nasty old rejection letter comes your way, respond with your
own:
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of [Date]. After careful consideration I regret to
inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment
with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an
unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and
promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all
refusals.
Despite [company name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience
in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my
needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm
beginning on [Date]. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.
When you are done, you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter
antique stores?
A: "I remember these."
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage Requires Teamwork!A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"
+++++++++++++++++++
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to
My husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
characteristically
Telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
Toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece! Of toilet paper and stand
in
Front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
Between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even
walk
Again although he will probably continue to take his meals through A
straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class
memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm
23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
Little Rick was excited about the task, but he just couldn't
remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get
past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled
to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was
very nervous.
When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and
said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I
need to know."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Stone's Throw
A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told. "But how will I recognize it?" asked the man. Came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."
+++++++++++++++++++
Toronto
A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore. He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie. "Master, you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you." The man thought for a moment and said, "I would like the following three things to happen this year -- The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title." The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.
+++++++++++++++++++
Deep Thoughts
- Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? - Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? - Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale? - Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? - Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? - How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures? - Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath? - Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear? - When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'It's all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?' - Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? - Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Mother: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you? Little Johnny: You said it was my lunch money.
+++++++++++++++++++
Have you ever had a resume rejected? Don't ever let it happen again. The
next time that nasty old rejection letter comes your way, respond with your
own:
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of [Date]. After careful consideration I regret to
inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment
with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an
unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and
promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all
refusals.
Despite [company name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience
in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my
needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm
beginning on [Date]. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
Saturday, May 12, 2007
hUMOR For May 12th
An older woman recently returned from her hometown in North
Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard
cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of
new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much
worried where they buried someone because everyone was a
neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed
to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with
their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those
people and reburied them?"
"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.
+++++++++++++++++++
Whenever a woman asks, "Does this dress make my butt look big?" I always try
to reassure them by saying, "No. It's your butt that makes the dress look
big."
+++++++++++++++++++
A young mother was riding the bus with her four-year-old boy
when he suddenly blurted out so that everyone in the bus
could hear: "Look, Mom, see that man's nose? It looks soooo
funny!"
The mother was quite embarrassed and scolded her son. Then
she whispered to him that if he wanted to say something
about someone, then he had to wait until they got home or at
least where nobody could hear them, so that nobody would be
sad.
A moment later, the boy blurted out in the same loud voice:
"Look, Mom, we've got to talk about that big fat lady when
we get home!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Suspicious Delivery"
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"It is good to be a Christian and know it, but it is better to be a Christian and show it."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Self Confidence" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
J. Paul Getty was one of the wealthy men who frequently came to watch Jack Dempsey train. Himself a keen amateur boxer, he asked to be allowed to spar for a round with the champion.
Getty put up quite a creditable performance until he made the mistake of saying, "Hit me a little harder, Jack."
Dempsey knocked him out.
+++++++++++++++++++
What Took You So Long?The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car."What took you so long, son?" he asked."The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even.""How?""I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be a mighty noisy place at eight o'clock."
+++++++++++++++++++
Late one night, a man walks into a dentist's surgery and
says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a
psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "Well, the light was on."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Norwegian and a Canoe
Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
+++++++++++++++++++
Missing Homework
After teaching high school for nearly 20 years, I thought I'd heard every possible excuse for missing homework until one parent sent me this note: "Please excuse Lori for not having her algebra homework. The cat had kittens on it last night."
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Sale
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car." "Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Where are most fish found? Between the head and the tail! What kind of fish will help you hear better?A herring aid! What do fish sing to each other?Salmon-chanted evening! How does an octopus go to war?Well-armed! Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?On squid row!
Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard
cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of
new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."
"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.
"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much
worried where they buried someone because everyone was a
neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed
to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with
their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."
The friend was aghast. "You mean they exhumed all those
people and reburied them?"
"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones.
+++++++++++++++++++
Whenever a woman asks, "Does this dress make my butt look big?" I always try
to reassure them by saying, "No. It's your butt that makes the dress look
big."
+++++++++++++++++++
A young mother was riding the bus with her four-year-old boy
when he suddenly blurted out so that everyone in the bus
could hear: "Look, Mom, see that man's nose? It looks soooo
funny!"
The mother was quite embarrassed and scolded her son. Then
she whispered to him that if he wanted to say something
about someone, then he had to wait until they got home or at
least where nobody could hear them, so that nobody would be
sad.
A moment later, the boy blurted out in the same loud voice:
"Look, Mom, we've got to talk about that big fat lady when
we get home!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Suspicious Delivery"
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"It is good to be a Christian and know it, but it is better to be a Christian and show it."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Self Confidence" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
J. Paul Getty was one of the wealthy men who frequently came to watch Jack Dempsey train. Himself a keen amateur boxer, he asked to be allowed to spar for a round with the champion.
Getty put up quite a creditable performance until he made the mistake of saying, "Hit me a little harder, Jack."
Dempsey knocked him out.
+++++++++++++++++++
What Took You So Long?The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car."What took you so long, son?" he asked."The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied. "But I got even.""How?""I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the youngster explained happily. "It's going to be a mighty noisy place at eight o'clock."
+++++++++++++++++++
Late one night, a man walks into a dentist's surgery and
says, "Excuse me, can you help me? I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a
psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "Well, the light was on."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Norwegian and a Canoe
Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norvegian and a canoe?" "No, I don't," said Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
+++++++++++++++++++
Missing Homework
After teaching high school for nearly 20 years, I thought I'd heard every possible excuse for missing homework until one parent sent me this note: "Please excuse Lori for not having her algebra homework. The cat had kittens on it last night."
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Sale
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car." "Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Where are most fish found? Between the head and the tail! What kind of fish will help you hear better?A herring aid! What do fish sing to each other?Salmon-chanted evening! How does an octopus go to war?Well-armed! Where do you find a down-and-out octopus?On squid row!
Friday, May 11, 2007
hUMOR For May 11th
My Cousin Vinnie
An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only relative, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Cousin Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Cousin Alfonso
A few days later he received a letter from his Cousin Vinnie.
Dear Cousin Alfonso,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love,
Cousin Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Cousin Alfonso,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Cousin Vinnie
+++++++++++++++++++
"Funeral Weather"
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.
The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.
The little ol man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I keep losing the war on poverty because my money keeps fraternizing with the enemy."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Proper Attire"
Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice:
"Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."
+++++++++++++++++++
Young WriterA 3-year-old was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story."What's it about?" he asked."I don't know," she replied, "I can't read."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Berle Marriages”
In 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy. But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the same woman all over again?
"Because" Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of my first wife."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Very Dirty Little Fellow
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Shopping Methodology
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Accident
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What did Noah do for a job? He was an arkitecht! What's that fly doing in my gravy?Looks like the breast stroke! Teacher: When do astronauts eat?Pupil: At launch time! Father: You were absent on the day of the test?Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!
+++++++++++++++++++
New Rules
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com. There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. It's because you don't particularly
like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days. He's mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger. If it
was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label and the top is now the
bottom. By the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jackass.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge jackass.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier. By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper,
plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup
on aisle nine.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt and it
translates to "beef with broccoli." You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too darned exciting.
What's next, competitive flatulence? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't care in the first place.
An Old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only relative, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Cousin Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Cousin Alfonso
A few days later he received a letter from his Cousin Vinnie.
Dear Cousin Alfonso,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love,
Cousin Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Cousin Alfonso,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Cousin Vinnie
+++++++++++++++++++
"Funeral Weather"
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.
The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.
The little ol man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I keep losing the war on poverty because my money keeps fraternizing with the enemy."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Proper Attire"
Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice:
"Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."
+++++++++++++++++++
Young WriterA 3-year-old was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story."What's it about?" he asked."I don't know," she replied, "I can't read."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Berle Marriages”
In 1947 Milton Berle was one of the biggest names in comedy. But as his career rose, his marriage failed, leading to a divorce from his wife Joyce Mathews. Two years later, Berle and Mathews got married for the second time. Why marry the same woman all over again?
"Because" Berle explained to reporters, "she reminds me of my first wife."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Very Dirty Little Fellow
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Shopping Methodology
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Accident
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What did Noah do for a job? He was an arkitecht! What's that fly doing in my gravy?Looks like the breast stroke! Teacher: When do astronauts eat?Pupil: At launch time! Father: You were absent on the day of the test?Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!
+++++++++++++++++++
New Rules
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com. There's a reason
you don't talk to people for 25 years. It's because you don't particularly
like them. Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is
doing these days. He's mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger. If it
was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label and the top is now the
bottom. By the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be in the
morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jackass.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge jackass.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier. By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper,
plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup
on aisle nine.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt and it
translates to "beef with broccoli." You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too darned exciting.
What's next, competitive flatulence? Oh wait. They're already doing that.
It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't care in the first place.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
hUMOR For May 10th
"Hunting Pairs"
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Joey?" the others asked.
"Joe fell and broke his ankle. He's 5 miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Joe laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Joe!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Four years ago today, President Bush gave his Iraq victory speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Well, I'm glad that's all behind us." --David Letterman "Here's the latest scandal in Washington: ... They say on '20/20' this week, the D.C. madam ... is going to list the names of famous Republicans who used her female escort service. ... That shows you the fundamental philosophical differences between the two parties. Bush Republicans believe in having the private sector provide sex for profit. Whereas, Clinton Democrats believe it should be a big give-away program." --Jay Leno "Four years ago, the president stood on the deck of an aircraft carrier and announced 'Mission Accomplished.' Two years later, the president appointed one of the main architects of that mission, Paul Wolfowitz, to head the World Bank. Because when someone has been completely wrong about everything, you gotta put him where he can't do any harm, like in charge of the world's poor." --Jon Stewart "We deported over 250,000 illegal immigrants from this country last year. And today at the rally, they said they're all glad to be back." --Jay Leno "Politicians having sex with prostitutes? What's the matter? All of a sudden, congressional pages aren't good enough anymore?" --David Letterman "The former first lady of New Jersey and soon to be ex-wife of gay former Governor Jim McGreevey was on 'Oprah' today. She wrote a book that claims even though she was married to the guy for almost four years, she never knew Jim McGreevey was gay. She just thought he had really bad aim" --Jimmy Kimmel "That's what makes this country great. The fact that thousands of Mexican people march in a state with an Austrian governor waving American flags made in China." --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Behind Schedule
The program manager couldn't grasp the idea of gathering requirements at the start of a project. "At a project kickoff meeting, which he had neglected to actually invite the customer to, we had a lot of discussion around what the software we were creating was supposed to do," says a programmer on the team. "I suggested putting together a requirements teleconference with the customer to clarify their ideas and goals." PM's response? "I was told we were already behind schedule and didn't have time to meet with the customer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes. 9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off white. 8. Crying can be fun. 7. Fat clothes. 6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch. 5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience. 4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. 3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible. 2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes. 1. Other women!
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you! Why do vampires do well at school?Because everytime they are asked a question they come up with a biting reply! How do ghosts like their eggs cooked?Terri-fried! What do you call a skeleton who acts in Westerns?Skint Eastwood!
+++++++++++++++++++
Never drop your Winchester to hug a grizzly.
+++++++++++++++++++
Where Is God ?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessivelymischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Ticket
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
Source: GCF
+++++++++++++++++++
Locked Out
One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found. John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one handy."
+++++++++++++++++++
Classmates?
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. "In 1952." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Joey?" the others asked.
"Joe fell and broke his ankle. He's 5 miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Joe laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Joe!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Four years ago today, President Bush gave his Iraq victory speech in front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Well, I'm glad that's all behind us." --David Letterman "Here's the latest scandal in Washington: ... They say on '20/20' this week, the D.C. madam ... is going to list the names of famous Republicans who used her female escort service. ... That shows you the fundamental philosophical differences between the two parties. Bush Republicans believe in having the private sector provide sex for profit. Whereas, Clinton Democrats believe it should be a big give-away program." --Jay Leno "Four years ago, the president stood on the deck of an aircraft carrier and announced 'Mission Accomplished.' Two years later, the president appointed one of the main architects of that mission, Paul Wolfowitz, to head the World Bank. Because when someone has been completely wrong about everything, you gotta put him where he can't do any harm, like in charge of the world's poor." --Jon Stewart "We deported over 250,000 illegal immigrants from this country last year. And today at the rally, they said they're all glad to be back." --Jay Leno "Politicians having sex with prostitutes? What's the matter? All of a sudden, congressional pages aren't good enough anymore?" --David Letterman "The former first lady of New Jersey and soon to be ex-wife of gay former Governor Jim McGreevey was on 'Oprah' today. She wrote a book that claims even though she was married to the guy for almost four years, she never knew Jim McGreevey was gay. She just thought he had really bad aim" --Jimmy Kimmel "That's what makes this country great. The fact that thousands of Mexican people march in a state with an Austrian governor waving American flags made in China." --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Behind Schedule
The program manager couldn't grasp the idea of gathering requirements at the start of a project. "At a project kickoff meeting, which he had neglected to actually invite the customer to, we had a lot of discussion around what the software we were creating was supposed to do," says a programmer on the team. "I suggested putting together a requirements teleconference with the customer to clarify their ideas and goals." PM's response? "I was told we were already behind schedule and didn't have time to meet with the customer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes. 9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off white. 8. Crying can be fun. 7. Fat clothes. 6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch. 5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience. 4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. 3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible. 2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes. 1. Other women!
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you! Why do vampires do well at school?Because everytime they are asked a question they come up with a biting reply! How do ghosts like their eggs cooked?Terri-fried! What do you call a skeleton who acts in Westerns?Skint Eastwood!
+++++++++++++++++++
Never drop your Winchester to hug a grizzly.
+++++++++++++++++++
Where Is God ?
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessivelymischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Speeding Ticket
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
Source: GCF
+++++++++++++++++++
Locked Out
One rainy evening, my husband, John, and I emerged from a restaurant only to find that he had locked the keys in the car. He insisted he could open the door with a wire coat hanger, so we went back to the restaurant to get one. There were none to be found. John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat. With a smug grin, he said, "Now if this ever happens again, I'll have one handy."
+++++++++++++++++++
Classmates?
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. "In 1952." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely, and then asked, "What did you teach?"
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
hUMOR For May 9th
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming. (I knew that was a male before I got to the name!)
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, Age 8
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck
hit her.
-- Ricky, age 10
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Privileges
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party. The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?" "Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously. Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tidy Housekeeper?
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Piranha
While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell "piranha." I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem. That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?" "One dollar." answered little Johnny "You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed. Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
+++++++++++++++++++
The pastor stood before the congregation and said "I have bad news, I have
good news, and I have more bad news."
The congregation got quiet.
"The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!" the pastor said.
The congregation groaned.
"The good news is: we have enough money for the new roof."
A sigh of relief was heard rippling through the gathered group.
"The bad new is: it's still in your pockets"
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a parish that had a notorious reputation for spitting out their
pastors. Every three years, the council would review their satisfaction with
the current pastor, and invariably ask for his or her resignation. Pastor
Smith was on pins and needles as the council meeting marking his third
anniversary drew near. He knew the Church's anti-clerical tradition, and he
began to prepare for the worst. He was in consultation with his bishop over
other call possibilities, should he have to make a change. He even
contemplated leaving the pastorate.
The night of that dreaded council meeting, the lay president said,"Well,
Pastor Smith, as you probably know, we have to ask you to step outside,
while we discuss some concerns among ourselves." With his heart palpitating,
Pastor Smith waited for what seemed like forever.
Finally, the president invited him back in and to have a seat. "Pastor
Smith, we've reviewed the past three years, and the council has unanimously
voted to renew your term as our pastor."
"That's wonderful!" cried a relieved Pastor Smith. "But tell me, that' a
first here for many, many years. How did you come about to that decision?"
"Well," replied the lay president, "if it were up to us, we wouldn't have
pastors at all. But as long as the Church says we have to have one, we
figured you're the closest thing we'll ever get to not having a pastor."
+++++++++++++++++++
"If houseplants ever take over the world, I'm probably going to be sitting
in shackles at their version of the Nuremberg trials." - Tim H. Richweis
(written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming. (I knew that was a male before I got to the name!)
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who
you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers
and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, Age 8
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.
Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone
to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck
hit her.
-- Ricky, age 10
+++++++++++++++++++
Car Privileges
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party. The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?" "Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously. Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tidy Housekeeper?
The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Piranha
While my third-grade class was completing a writing exercise, one of the students asked me how to spell "piranha." I told him I was unsure. To my delight, he went to the dictionary to solve his problem. That's when I overheard another pupil say to him, "Why bother to look it up? She doesn't know how to spell it anyway."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?" "One dollar." answered little Johnny "You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed. Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."
+++++++++++++++++++
The pastor stood before the congregation and said "I have bad news, I have
good news, and I have more bad news."
The congregation got quiet.
"The bad news is: the church needs a new roof!" the pastor said.
The congregation groaned.
"The good news is: we have enough money for the new roof."
A sigh of relief was heard rippling through the gathered group.
"The bad new is: it's still in your pockets"
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a parish that had a notorious reputation for spitting out their
pastors. Every three years, the council would review their satisfaction with
the current pastor, and invariably ask for his or her resignation. Pastor
Smith was on pins and needles as the council meeting marking his third
anniversary drew near. He knew the Church's anti-clerical tradition, and he
began to prepare for the worst. He was in consultation with his bishop over
other call possibilities, should he have to make a change. He even
contemplated leaving the pastorate.
The night of that dreaded council meeting, the lay president said,"Well,
Pastor Smith, as you probably know, we have to ask you to step outside,
while we discuss some concerns among ourselves." With his heart palpitating,
Pastor Smith waited for what seemed like forever.
Finally, the president invited him back in and to have a seat. "Pastor
Smith, we've reviewed the past three years, and the council has unanimously
voted to renew your term as our pastor."
"That's wonderful!" cried a relieved Pastor Smith. "But tell me, that' a
first here for many, many years. How did you come about to that decision?"
"Well," replied the lay president, "if it were up to us, we wouldn't have
pastors at all. But as long as the Church says we have to have one, we
figured you're the closest thing we'll ever get to not having a pastor."
+++++++++++++++++++
"If houseplants ever take over the world, I'm probably going to be sitting
in shackles at their version of the Nuremberg trials." - Tim H. Richweis
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
hUMOR For May 8th
At the MoviesWhile watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear." "I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."
+++++++++++++++++++
How To Clean Your HouseRecycling housework mouse be better than working for a living...
1. Open a new file in your PC.2. Name it “Housework”.3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.4. Click on “Empty the Recycle Bin”.5. Your PC will ask you, “Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?”6. Calmly answer, “Yes,” and press the mouse button firmly...7. Feel better? Works for me!
+++++++++++++++++++
Pastor’s New TeethBiting sermon from the pulpit…Putting your best gum forward!
The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:“The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't shut up.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Counting Sheep
Ferne Southern said she was staying with her 8-year-old granddaughter, Brooke, while her parents were out of town. Brooke was delaying bedtime, as usual, so her grandmother told her about counting sheep to fall asleep. The 8-year-old thought that was a good idea. Everything was quiet for a while. But just as grandmother was dozing off, a voice sounded: "Nana?" "Yes?" "There are 38."
+++++++++++++++++++
Not Me Your Honor
A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge. After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling." "Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not." Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?" The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Price of Oranges
Mrs. Golden was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?" "Two for a quarter," answered the vendor. "How much is just one?" she asked. "Fifteen cents," answered the vendor. "Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Golden.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why doesn't the sea spill over the earth?Because it's tied! Who was the Black Prince?The son of Old King Cole! Did you hear about the mad scientist who invented a gas that could burn through anything?No, what about him?Now he's trying to invent something to hold it in! Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit?So he could tell the time at night! Where do snowmen go to dance?A snowball!
+++++++++++++++++++
Students at a school were asked to write about the harmful
effects of oil on fish.
One 11-year-old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines
last night, it was full of oil and all the sardines were
dead."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his morning briefing. He tells the
President that among other violence around the world, three Brazilian
soldiers were killed.
The President says, "Oh my! That's horrible."
The staff in the office is somewhat taken aback at the President's atypical
expression of emotion as they watch him put his head in his hands.
The President, visibly shaken, asks, "Just how many is a brazillion?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Gomer got a part time job at the Post Office. The first assignment his
supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Gomer separated the
letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by
this, the supervisor approached Gomer at the end of his first day.
"I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with
the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had."
"Thank you, sir" said Gomer, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even a
better Job."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do
any better than you did today?"
Gomer replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."
+++++++++++++++++++
Money talks. Mine says, "I'm leaving."
+++++++++++++++++++
How To Clean Your HouseRecycling housework mouse be better than working for a living...
1. Open a new file in your PC.2. Name it “Housework”.3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.4. Click on “Empty the Recycle Bin”.5. Your PC will ask you, “Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?”6. Calmly answer, “Yes,” and press the mouse button firmly...7. Feel better? Works for me!
+++++++++++++++++++
Pastor’s New TeethBiting sermon from the pulpit…Putting your best gum forward!
The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way:“The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't shut up.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Counting Sheep
Ferne Southern said she was staying with her 8-year-old granddaughter, Brooke, while her parents were out of town. Brooke was delaying bedtime, as usual, so her grandmother told her about counting sheep to fall asleep. The 8-year-old thought that was a good idea. Everything was quiet for a while. But just as grandmother was dozing off, a voice sounded: "Nana?" "Yes?" "There are 38."
+++++++++++++++++++
Not Me Your Honor
A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge. After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling." "Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not." Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?" The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Price of Oranges
Mrs. Golden was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?" "Two for a quarter," answered the vendor. "How much is just one?" she asked. "Fifteen cents," answered the vendor. "Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Golden.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why doesn't the sea spill over the earth?Because it's tied! Who was the Black Prince?The son of Old King Cole! Did you hear about the mad scientist who invented a gas that could burn through anything?No, what about him?Now he's trying to invent something to hold it in! Why did the idiot have his sundial floodlit?So he could tell the time at night! Where do snowmen go to dance?A snowball!
+++++++++++++++++++
Students at a school were asked to write about the harmful
effects of oil on fish.
One 11-year-old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines
last night, it was full of oil and all the sardines were
dead."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his morning briefing. He tells the
President that among other violence around the world, three Brazilian
soldiers were killed.
The President says, "Oh my! That's horrible."
The staff in the office is somewhat taken aback at the President's atypical
expression of emotion as they watch him put his head in his hands.
The President, visibly shaken, asks, "Just how many is a brazillion?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Gomer got a part time job at the Post Office. The first assignment his
supervisor gave him was the job of sorting the mail. Gomer separated the
letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur. Extremely pleased by
this, the supervisor approached Gomer at the end of his first day.
"I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with
the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had."
"Thank you, sir" said Gomer, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even a
better Job."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do
any better than you did today?"
Gomer replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."
+++++++++++++++++++
Money talks. Mine says, "I'm leaving."
Monday, May 07, 2007
hUMOR For May 7th
BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT "SLEEPING" AT YOUR DESK5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Haircut"
Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and sunburn, you're still better off than the worm."
+++++++++++++++++++
"God's Power" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm threatened.
As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Water in the Carburetor
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" WIFE: "In the pool."
+++++++++++++++++++
Conducting A Music Class
A band director named Ravelli was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, and performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole band, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dinosaur Plumbing
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly to the boy, "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother for this lovely pie." "If you don't mind, ma'am," the boy suggested nervously, "would you thank her for two pies?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, saw a young farmer
struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen
off.
"You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you
rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't
approve."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled
to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be
upset.
Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your
father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find
him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever
you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."
+++++++++++++++++++
HUSBANDS GOING SHOPPING???
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he
go with her to Walmart.
He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and
get out, but Mrs. Fenton
loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing
quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of
you from our stores. We
have documented all incidents on our video surveillance
equipment.
All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was
shopping in Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
in people's carts when
they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official tone, 'Code 3' in house-
wares... and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd
invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he
begins to cry and asks, 'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as
a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
asked the clerk if he knows
where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible"
theme.
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna
look" using different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yelled "PICK ME!"
"PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumes the fetal
position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"
And last, but not least ...
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly,
"There is no toilet paper in here!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Haircut"
Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.
Susie: It grew on company time.
Boss: Not all that hair.
Susie: I didn't get it all cut.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and sunburn, you're still better off than the worm."
+++++++++++++++++++
"God's Power" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm threatened.
As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Water in the Carburetor
WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous." WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?" WIFE: "In the pool."
+++++++++++++++++++
Conducting A Music Class
A band director named Ravelli was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, and performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole band, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
+++++++++++++++++++
Dinosaur Plumbing
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Delighted by the gift she had received, the lady spoke warmly to the boy, "At church tomorrow, I'll thank your mother for this lovely pie." "If you don't mind, ma'am," the boy suggested nervously, "would you thank her for two pies?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, saw a young farmer
struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen
off.
"You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you
rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't
approve."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled
to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be
upset.
Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your
father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find
him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever
you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."
+++++++++++++++++++
HUSBANDS GOING SHOPPING???
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he
go with her to Walmart.
He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and
get out, but Mrs. Fenton
loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing
quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of
you from our stores. We
have documented all incidents on our video surveillance
equipment.
All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was
shopping in Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them
in people's carts when
they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off
at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official tone, 'Code 3' in house-
wares... and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd
invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he
begins to cry and asks, 'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as
a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
asked the clerk if he knows
where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible"
theme.
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna
look" using different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
through, yelled "PICK ME!"
"PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumes the fetal
position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"
And last, but not least ...
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly,
"There is no toilet paper in here!"
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