A Day at the RacesA Rabbi is walking slowly down the street when a gust of wind blows his hat from his head. The hat is being blown down the street, but he is an old man, using a cane, and can't walk fast enough to catch the hat. Across the street a young man sees what has happened and rushes over to grab the hat and then returns it to the Rabbi."I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat," said the Rabbi. "Thank you very much." The Rabbi then places his hand on the man's shoulder and says, "May God bless you."The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi. This must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough the horse comes in first.In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1, so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also. Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife. When she asks him where he's been, he explains how he caught the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat in their names."So where's the money?" she asks."I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost.""You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat!""It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke."
+++++++++++++++++++
MATHEMATICS What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top! If I may add one more equation: W-H-O Y-O-U K-N-O-W 23+8+15+25+15+21+11+14+15+23 = 170%
+++++++++++++++++++
I have a friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the
left all the time.
It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor and
have his legs checked out. For years, he refused and told me
I was crazy.
But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor
discovered his left leg was 1/4 inch shorter than his right.
A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured. Both
legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer
leans.
"So," I said, "you didn't believe me when I told you a
doctor could fix your leg."
He just looked at me and said, "I stand corrected."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rolls Royce
Moshe was at his golf club and went into the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift to Hendon. His own car was off the road being serviced. "Sure," said Morry, "I'll give you a lift. My Rolls Royce is just outside." As they're driving along, Moshe says, "Morry, what's that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?" "That's my digital clock." A few minutes later, Moshe asks, "And what's that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?" "That's my tachometer," says Morry. Then a few minutes after that, Moshe starts to ask, "But what's that...." "Hold on a minute, Moshe," says Morry, "I can see you've never been in a Rolls Royce before." "Never in the front seat." says Moshe.
+++++++++++++++++++
How can I get to heaven?
I asked the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, held a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?" "No!" the children all answered. Then I said, "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?" Again, the answer was, "No!" "Well," I continued, "then how can I get to heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Apprehension
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely. "Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, ..."And will your grandmother need a rental car?"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain. Why's that?My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it. Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me something to keep it in?Certainly - how about a paper bag? Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.Next, please! Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.Pull yourself together!
+++++++++++++++++++
Making a WillA man went to his lawyer and said "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."The lawyer says "Don't worry. Leave it all to me."The man looks somewhat upset ... "Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice - but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!"
Friday, April 20, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
hUMOR For April 19th
Getting YoungerOld Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health."Sam, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger," says the doctor."Who asked you to make me younger?" says Sam. "You just make sure I get older!"
+++++++++++++++++++
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and
several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At
one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar
for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by
asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
There was silence.
Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you
can move diagonally."
+++++++++++++++++++
Parking Meter
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken." A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!"
+++++++++++++++++++
It Just Shows Stars
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says. "Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password." "Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
+++++++++++++++++++
Blonde & Overhead Transparancy
Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: She turned it over and used the other side.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
How do you start an insect race?One, two, flea - go! How do you find where a flea has bitten you?Start from scratch! What is a flea's favorite book?The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy! Which fish can perform operations?A Sturgeon!
+++++++++++++++++++
As a ski instructor, I sometimes tease my little pupils. Once I told seven
year old Luke that if my skis were faster than his, it was because I'd waxed
them with butter.
The next morning his grandmother came to class with him. She took me aside
and said, "We had no butter left for breakfast. Luke had spread it all over
his skis, claiming that it was the proper way to wax them. I think you
should tell the children that instead of listening to nonsense from other
beginners, they should only take advice from their teacher."
+++++++++++++++++++
School ExcusesPlease excuse my child from school today...Loose vowels from absent minded parents!
[These are real notes written by parents in an Alabama school district. Spellings and grammar have been left intact...]1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.3. Dear school: please excuse john being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.4. Please excuse Gloria from jim today. She is administrating.5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.11. Please excuse Leslie from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday we thought it was Sunday.17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
+++++++++++++++++++
Deck Of Cards PatientWhen you're not dealt a full deck...
“Doctor, Doctor!” a man says to a psychiatrist.“You've got to help me! I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!”“Sit over there,” the shrink says. “I'll deal with you later.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Cannibal World RecordWhen a promotion at work is sometimes hard to stomach…
Some Guinness World Record staff were on a safari in the jungles of a little-explored faraway country when they were captured by cannibals.“Oh, yes!” the chief of the tribe exclaimed. “We’re going to put you all into big pots of water, cook you and eat you.”“You can’t do that to me,” said Craig Glenday. “I’m the editor at Guinness World Records!”“Well,” the cannibal responded, “tonight you will be editor-in-chief!”
+++++++++++++++++++
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and
several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At
one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar
for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by
asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
There was silence.
Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you
can move diagonally."
+++++++++++++++++++
Parking Meter
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken." A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!"
+++++++++++++++++++
It Just Shows Stars
A new employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password. No, it's not the usual caps-lock problem. "The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says. "Those asterisks are to protect you," the Help Desk technician explains, "so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password." "Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."
+++++++++++++++++++
Blonde & Overhead Transparancy
Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency? A: She turned it over and used the other side.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
How do you start an insect race?One, two, flea - go! How do you find where a flea has bitten you?Start from scratch! What is a flea's favorite book?The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy! Which fish can perform operations?A Sturgeon!
+++++++++++++++++++
As a ski instructor, I sometimes tease my little pupils. Once I told seven
year old Luke that if my skis were faster than his, it was because I'd waxed
them with butter.
The next morning his grandmother came to class with him. She took me aside
and said, "We had no butter left for breakfast. Luke had spread it all over
his skis, claiming that it was the proper way to wax them. I think you
should tell the children that instead of listening to nonsense from other
beginners, they should only take advice from their teacher."
+++++++++++++++++++
School ExcusesPlease excuse my child from school today...Loose vowels from absent minded parents!
[These are real notes written by parents in an Alabama school district. Spellings and grammar have been left intact...]1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.3. Dear school: please excuse john being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.4. Please excuse Gloria from jim today. She is administrating.5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.11. Please excuse Leslie from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday we thought it was Sunday.17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
+++++++++++++++++++
Deck Of Cards PatientWhen you're not dealt a full deck...
“Doctor, Doctor!” a man says to a psychiatrist.“You've got to help me! I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!”“Sit over there,” the shrink says. “I'll deal with you later.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Cannibal World RecordWhen a promotion at work is sometimes hard to stomach…
Some Guinness World Record staff were on a safari in the jungles of a little-explored faraway country when they were captured by cannibals.“Oh, yes!” the chief of the tribe exclaimed. “We’re going to put you all into big pots of water, cook you and eat you.”“You can’t do that to me,” said Craig Glenday. “I’m the editor at Guinness World Records!”“Well,” the cannibal responded, “tonight you will be editor-in-chief!”
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
hUMOR For April 18th
She Was So Blonde That
- She tripped over a cordless phone. - She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." - She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate." - She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." - She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. - She studied for a blood test. - When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. - When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. - She sold the car for gas money!
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you get if you cross a cow, a sheep and a goat?The milky baa kid! What is a duck's favorite dance?The quackstep! Which dance will a chicken not do?The foxtrot! What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?A woolly jumper!
+++++++++++++++++++
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the
restrooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.
I asked him why, and he confessed that they worked fine, but
when he went into the men's restroom, he saw a sign that
read:
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
+++++++++++++++++++
How Smart Is Your Right Foot?This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand ... Your foot will change direction!!!I told you so ... And there is nothing you can do about it. Make sure you pass this on to your friends ... They won't be able to believe it either!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Preacher's Best Years"
A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Have a nice day...someplace else!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Gravity"
Gravity always gets me down.
+++++++++++++++++++
Divorce Is GrandNew fulfilling lifestyle on less than a dime...
Dear Wife:I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.Your Ex-HusbandP.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband:Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning... and your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.So take care.SignedRich As Hell and Free!P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ladies Room ButtonsPushing the wrong button can be hazardous to your plumbing...
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.A nurse noticed his predicament.“Sir, ” she said, “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.Who would know if he touched them?He couldn't resist. He pushed 'WW'. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.“What happened?” he exclaimed. “The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.”“The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”... MEN NEVER LISTEN
- She tripped over a cordless phone. - She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." - She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate." - She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." - She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. - She studied for a blood test. - When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. - When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home. - She sold the car for gas money!
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you get if you cross a cow, a sheep and a goat?The milky baa kid! What is a duck's favorite dance?The quackstep! Which dance will a chicken not do?The foxtrot! What do you get if you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?A woolly jumper!
+++++++++++++++++++
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the
restrooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.
I asked him why, and he confessed that they worked fine, but
when he went into the men's restroom, he saw a sign that
read:
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
+++++++++++++++++++
How Smart Is Your Right Foot?This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!!1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand ... Your foot will change direction!!!I told you so ... And there is nothing you can do about it. Make sure you pass this on to your friends ... They won't be able to believe it either!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Preacher's Best Years"
A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Have a nice day...someplace else!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Gravity"
Gravity always gets me down.
+++++++++++++++++++
Divorce Is GrandNew fulfilling lifestyle on less than a dime...
Dear Wife:I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.Your Ex-HusbandP.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husband:Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxers on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning... and your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Hawaii. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me.So take care.SignedRich As Hell and Free!P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ladies Room ButtonsPushing the wrong button can be hazardous to your plumbing...
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.A nurse noticed his predicament.“Sir, ” she said, “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.Who would know if he touched them?He couldn't resist. He pushed 'WW'. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.“What happened?” he exclaimed. “The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.”“The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”... MEN NEVER LISTEN
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
hUMOR For April 17th
"Accident Prayer"
As my five-year-old-son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.
Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Expenses" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
+++++++++++++++++++
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates:
"For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the
bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He
rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter
goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's
there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to
see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old
man walks up and rings the bell.
St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the
bell?"
"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.
"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.
"They keep resuscitating me
+++++++++++++++++++
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions
no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The
door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."
+++++++++++++++++++
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK 1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton" 3. Send it to the trash. 4. Empty the trash. 5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?" 6. Firmly Click "Yes." 7. Feel better. PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman, former NFL football quarterback
+++++++++++++++++++
A guy has one arm and decides he doesn't want to go on with life, not being able to do the things other guys can do with two arms. So, he goes up to the 20th story of a building and is trying to build up the nerve to jump. As he's standing there a guy comes walking on the sidewalk below.
The one-armed man notice's that this other guy has NO arms at all. He watches as the guy stops on the sidewalk and starts dancing and spinning in circles. The one-armed man thinks to himself how selfish he is… in that he has one arm and is ready to end it all! So, he decides to go down and talk to the No-armed man.
He goes down and walks up to the guy and says, “Hey man… I’ve been up on the 20th floor considering to end it all because I have only One arm… Here you are with No arms and are dancing around. What’s your deal?
The guy with No arms says, “Arrrrr… dude I'm NOT happy! My nose itches!!!
Moral: Think Differently. If you got no arms, get a friend to itch your nose.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tax-ing QuotesIf it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But then I repeat myself. - Mark TwainI contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston ChurchillA government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard ShawA liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. - G. Gordon LiddyDemocracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown UniversityGiving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil LibertarianGovernment is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan (1986) I don't make joe-ks. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will RogersIf you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'RourkeIn general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it. - UnknownThe government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald ReaganThe inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark TwainThe ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)There is no distinctly Native American criminal class... save Congress. - Mark TwainWhat this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Mitt Romney ... has been telling people he's a 'lifelong hunter,' but the truth is that he went hunting once when he was 15 years old and once last year, so by 'lifelong' he means he went twice. ... I think it's important to add, both of the times he went hunting, he shot an old man in the face ... so he's at least vice presidential material." --Conan O'Brien "Mitt Romney stunned everybody by raising $23 million ... all in small donations. Apparently, he got one dollar from every Osmond." --Jay Leno "Our official policy is to punish Syria for not renouncing terrorism. Hey, maybe the visit from Nancy Pelosi was probably the punishment." --Jay Leno "The 15 British hostages ... say they were well-treated and not tortured. The hostages said, 'Not once were we forced to eat British food.'" --Conan O'Brien "Tom Tancredo has thrown his hat into the presidential ring ... after talking it over with his family. But even members of his own family were goin', 'Who are you again?'" --Jay Leno "Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Giuliani added, 'I just mean this wife. It's open season on the first two.'" --Conan O'Brien "Health officials are now warning that prescription sleeping pills can cause something called 'sleep driving.' It causes people to get up in the middle of the night, drive somewhere, and have no memory of where they went or what they did. To which Bill told Hillary, 'See!'" --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
The Procrastinator's Creed
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero. 8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task. 12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan. 13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. 14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
+++++++++++++++++++
As my five-year-old-son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.
Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Expenses" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
+++++++++++++++++++
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates:
"For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the
bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He
rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter
goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's
there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to
see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old
man walks up and rings the bell.
St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the
bell?"
"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.
"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.
"They keep resuscitating me
+++++++++++++++++++
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions
no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The
door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."
+++++++++++++++++++
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK 1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton" 3. Send it to the trash. 4. Empty the trash. 5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?" 6. Firmly Click "Yes." 7. Feel better. PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman, former NFL football quarterback
+++++++++++++++++++
A guy has one arm and decides he doesn't want to go on with life, not being able to do the things other guys can do with two arms. So, he goes up to the 20th story of a building and is trying to build up the nerve to jump. As he's standing there a guy comes walking on the sidewalk below.
The one-armed man notice's that this other guy has NO arms at all. He watches as the guy stops on the sidewalk and starts dancing and spinning in circles. The one-armed man thinks to himself how selfish he is… in that he has one arm and is ready to end it all! So, he decides to go down and talk to the No-armed man.
He goes down and walks up to the guy and says, “Hey man… I’ve been up on the 20th floor considering to end it all because I have only One arm… Here you are with No arms and are dancing around. What’s your deal?
The guy with No arms says, “Arrrrr… dude I'm NOT happy! My nose itches!!!
Moral: Think Differently. If you got no arms, get a friend to itch your nose.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tax-ing QuotesIf it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But then I repeat myself. - Mark TwainI contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston ChurchillA government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard ShawA liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. - G. Gordon LiddyDemocracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown UniversityGiving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil LibertarianGovernment is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan (1986) I don't make joe-ks. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will RogersIf you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'RourkeIn general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it. - UnknownThe government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald ReaganThe inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark TwainThe ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)There is no distinctly Native American criminal class... save Congress. - Mark TwainWhat this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Mitt Romney ... has been telling people he's a 'lifelong hunter,' but the truth is that he went hunting once when he was 15 years old and once last year, so by 'lifelong' he means he went twice. ... I think it's important to add, both of the times he went hunting, he shot an old man in the face ... so he's at least vice presidential material." --Conan O'Brien "Mitt Romney stunned everybody by raising $23 million ... all in small donations. Apparently, he got one dollar from every Osmond." --Jay Leno "Our official policy is to punish Syria for not renouncing terrorism. Hey, maybe the visit from Nancy Pelosi was probably the punishment." --Jay Leno "The 15 British hostages ... say they were well-treated and not tortured. The hostages said, 'Not once were we forced to eat British food.'" --Conan O'Brien "Tom Tancredo has thrown his hat into the presidential ring ... after talking it over with his family. But even members of his own family were goin', 'Who are you again?'" --Jay Leno "Rudy Giuliani says the press can attack him all they want, but they should lay off his wife. Giuliani added, 'I just mean this wife. It's open season on the first two.'" --Conan O'Brien "Health officials are now warning that prescription sleeping pills can cause something called 'sleep driving.' It causes people to get up in the middle of the night, drive somewhere, and have no memory of where they went or what they did. To which Bill told Hillary, 'See!'" --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
The Procrastinator's Creed
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero. 8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task. 12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan. 13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. 14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
+++++++++++++++++++
Monday, April 16, 2007
hUMOR For April 16th
"Accident Prayer"
As my five-year-old-son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.
Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Expenses" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
+++++++++++++++++++
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates:
"For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the
bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He
rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter
goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's
there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to
see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old
man walks up and rings the bell.
St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the
bell?"
"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.
"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.
"They keep resuscitating me
+++++++++++++++++++
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions
no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The
door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."
+++++++++++++++++++
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK 1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton" 3. Send it to the trash. 4. Empty the trash. 5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?" 6. Firmly Click "Yes." 7. Feel better. PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman, former NFL football quarterback
+++++++++++++++++++
A guy has one arm and decides he doesn't want to go on with life, not being able to do the things other guys can do with two arms. So, he goes up to the 20th story of a building and is trying to build up the nerve to jump. As he's standing there a guy comes walking on the sidewalk below.
The one-armed man notice's that this other guy has NO arms at all. He watches as the guy stops on the sidewalk and starts dancing and spinning in circles. The one-armed man thinks to himself how selfish he is… in that he has one arm and is ready to end it all! So, he decides to go down and talk to the No-armed man.
He goes down and walks up to the guy and says, “Hey man… I’ve been up on the 20th floor considering to end it all because I have only One arm… Here you are with No arms and are dancing around. What’s your deal?
The guy with No arms says, “Arrrrr… dude I'm NOT happy! My nose itches!!!
Moral: Think Differently. If you got no arms, get a friend to itch your nose.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tax-ing QuotesIf it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But then I repeat myself. - Mark TwainI contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston ChurchillA government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard ShawA liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. - G. Gordon LiddyDemocracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown UniversityGiving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil LibertarianGovernment is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan (1986) I don't make joe-ks. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will RogersIf you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'RourkeIn general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it. - UnknownThe government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald ReaganThe inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark TwainThe ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)There is no distinctly Native American criminal class... save Congress. - Mark TwainWhat this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson
As my five-year-old-son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.
Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Expenses" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
+++++++++++++++++++
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the Pearly Gates:
"For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he barely gets started when BING! the
bell rings. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell rings again. He
rushes back to the gates, but no one's there. A little annoyed, St. Peter
goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back; again, no one's
there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says. "I'm going to hide and watch to
see what's going on." So St. Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old
man walks up and rings the bell.
St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who keeps ringing the
bell?"
"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.
"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St. Peter asks.
"They keep resuscitating me
+++++++++++++++++++
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door
and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions
no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. Kill her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife
and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The
door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death
with the chair."
+++++++++++++++++++
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK 1. Open a new file in your computer. 2. Name it "Hillary Rodham Clinton" 3. Send it to the trash. 4. Empty the trash. 5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodham Clinton?" 6. Firmly Click "Yes." 7. Feel better. PS: Next week we'll do Nancy Pelosi
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." - Joe Theisman, former NFL football quarterback
+++++++++++++++++++
A guy has one arm and decides he doesn't want to go on with life, not being able to do the things other guys can do with two arms. So, he goes up to the 20th story of a building and is trying to build up the nerve to jump. As he's standing there a guy comes walking on the sidewalk below.
The one-armed man notice's that this other guy has NO arms at all. He watches as the guy stops on the sidewalk and starts dancing and spinning in circles. The one-armed man thinks to himself how selfish he is… in that he has one arm and is ready to end it all! So, he decides to go down and talk to the No-armed man.
He goes down and walks up to the guy and says, “Hey man… I’ve been up on the 20th floor considering to end it all because I have only One arm… Here you are with No arms and are dancing around. What’s your deal?
The guy with No arms says, “Arrrrr… dude I'm NOT happy! My nose itches!!!
Moral: Think Differently. If you got no arms, get a friend to itch your nose.
+++++++++++++++++++
Tax-ing QuotesIf it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But then I repeat myself. - Mark TwainI contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. - Winston ChurchillA government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard ShawA liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. - G. Gordon LiddyDemocracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. - James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. - Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown UniversityGiving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. - P.J. O'Rourke, Civil LibertarianGovernment is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. - Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan (1986) I don't make joe-ks. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will RogersIf you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P.J. O'RourkeIn general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. - Voltaire (1764) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! - Pericles (430 B.C.)No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. - Mark Twain (1866)Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it. - UnknownThe government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. - Ronald ReaganThe inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. - Winston Churchill The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. - Mark TwainThe ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. - Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)There is no distinctly Native American criminal class... save Congress. - Mark TwainWhat this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. - Thomas Jefferson
Sunday, April 15, 2007
hUMOR For April 15th
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and
say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous
girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you
says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get
her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi,
I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and
straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her
hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she
drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm
very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to
you and says, "You are very rich..."
That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and
say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She gives you a nice hard slap on
your face.
That's Customer Feedback.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Rewiring"
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church.
Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters.
Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew.
Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
There are two secrets for success:1. Don't reveal all your secrets
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Tequila"
A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."
"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught.
"I just can't find it," she said. "What book are you looking for, honey?" the librarian asked.
Replied the little girl, "Tequila Mockingbird."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Problem With Fast Food
The big problem with "fast" food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach. And it just parks there--and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship.
+++++++++++++++++++
Custom Software
My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software. One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software with 'remarkably' similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked. Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, "Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?" "Of course not!" the sales gerbil replied. "So, what happens if you press [key combination]?" "Nothing." "Well, humor me. Do it for me." "Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . ." and upon pressing the keys . . .the large screen popped up my boss' copyright notice. It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show.
+++++++++++++++++++
Running Away
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?," he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!," bravely declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?" "I will come home and get some!," readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you call a bull who tells jokes?Laugh-a-bull! What is the most faithful insect?A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them! What insect runs away from everything?A flee! What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
+++++++++++++++++++
”Walking”
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm
beginning to believe it." - Clarence Darrow
+++++++++++++++++++
The CantorA cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Why not combine the designated driver ...
Here's an idea. Why not combine the designated driver and the designated hitter, so that after the 7th inning the DH drives all the drunk fans home.
+++++++++++++++++++
Volunteers
On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What to you call a Russian flea?A Moscow-ito! Two fleas where running across the top of a cereal packet?"Why are we running so fast?" said one.Because it says "Tear along the dotted line" What do you call a flea that lives in an idiots ear?A space invader! What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea?Bugs Bunny!
say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous
girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you
says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get
her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi,
I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and
straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her
hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she
drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm
very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to
you and says, "You are very rich..."
That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and
say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She gives you a nice hard slap on
your face.
That's Customer Feedback.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Rewiring"
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church.
Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters.
Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew.
Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
There are two secrets for success:1. Don't reveal all your secrets
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Tequila"
A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."
"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught.
"I just can't find it," she said. "What book are you looking for, honey?" the librarian asked.
Replied the little girl, "Tequila Mockingbird."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Problem With Fast Food
The big problem with "fast" food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach. And it just parks there--and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship.
+++++++++++++++++++
Custom Software
My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software. One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software with 'remarkably' similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked. Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, "Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?" "Of course not!" the sales gerbil replied. "So, what happens if you press [key combination]?" "Nothing." "Well, humor me. Do it for me." "Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . ." and upon pressing the keys . . .the large screen popped up my boss' copyright notice. It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show.
+++++++++++++++++++
Running Away
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?," he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!," bravely declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?" "I will come home and get some!," readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you call a bull who tells jokes?Laugh-a-bull! What is the most faithful insect?A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them! What insect runs away from everything?A flee! What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
+++++++++++++++++++
”Walking”
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm
beginning to believe it." - Clarence Darrow
+++++++++++++++++++
The CantorA cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Why not combine the designated driver ...
Here's an idea. Why not combine the designated driver and the designated hitter, so that after the 7th inning the DH drives all the drunk fans home.
+++++++++++++++++++
Volunteers
On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What to you call a Russian flea?A Moscow-ito! Two fleas where running across the top of a cereal packet?"Why are we running so fast?" said one.Because it says "Tear along the dotted line" What do you call a flea that lives in an idiots ear?A space invader! What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea?Bugs Bunny!
Saturday, April 14, 2007
hUMOR For April 14th
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and
say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous
girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you
says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get
her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi,
I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and
straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her
hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she
drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm
very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to
you and says, "You are very rich..."
That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and
say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She gives you a nice hard slap on
your face.
That's Customer Feedback.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Rewiring"
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church.
Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters.
Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew.
Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
There are two secrets for success:1. Don't reveal all your secrets
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Tequila"
A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."
"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught.
"I just can't find it," she said. "What book are you looking for, honey?" the librarian asked.
Replied the little girl, "Tequila Mockingbird."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Problem With Fast Food
The big problem with "fast" food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach. And it just parks there--and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship.
+++++++++++++++++++
Custom Software
My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software. One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software with 'remarkably' similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked. Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, "Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?" "Of course not!" the sales gerbil replied. "So, what happens if you press [key combination]?" "Nothing." "Well, humor me. Do it for me." "Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . ." and upon pressing the keys . . .the large screen popped up my boss' copyright notice. It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show.
+++++++++++++++++++
Running Away
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?," he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!," bravely declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?" "I will come home and get some!," readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you call a bull who tells jokes?Laugh-a-bull! What is the most faithful insect?A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them! What insect runs away from everything?A flee! What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
+++++++++++++++++++
”Walking”
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm
beginning to believe it." - Clarence Darrow
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say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous
girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you
says, "He's very rich. Marry him."
That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get
her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi,
I'm very rich. Marry me."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and
straighten your tie; you walk up to her and compliment her
hair. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she
drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm
very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to
you and says, "You are very rich..."
That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and
say, "I'm rich. Marry me." She gives you a nice hard slap on
your face.
That's Customer Feedback.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Rewiring"
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church.
Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters.
Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew.
Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
There are two secrets for success:1. Don't reveal all your secrets
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Tequila"
A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."
"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught.
"I just can't find it," she said. "What book are you looking for, honey?" the librarian asked.
Replied the little girl, "Tequila Mockingbird."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Problem With Fast Food
The big problem with "fast" food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach. And it just parks there--and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for citizenship.
+++++++++++++++++++
Custom Software
My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software. One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software with 'remarkably' similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked. Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, "Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?" "Of course not!" the sales gerbil replied. "So, what happens if you press [key combination]?" "Nothing." "Well, humor me. Do it for me." "Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . ." and upon pressing the keys . . .the large screen popped up my boss' copyright notice. It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show.
+++++++++++++++++++
Running Away
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?," he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!," bravely declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?" "I will come home and get some!," readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What do you call a bull who tells jokes?Laugh-a-bull! What is the most faithful insect?A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them! What insect runs away from everything?A flee! What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
+++++++++++++++++++
”Walking”
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm
beginning to believe it." - Clarence Darrow
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Friday, April 13, 2007
hUMOR For April 13th
Leaning SlightlyI have this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time.It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a doctor, and have his legs checked out. For years, he refused ... told me I was crazy.But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was 1/4 inch shorter than his right.A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was cured, and both legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans."So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg."He just looked at me and said, ... "I stand corrected."
+++++++++++++++++++
The following is an ad that appeared four days in a row in a
real-life newspaper -- the last three hopelessly trying to
correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for
sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who
lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad
yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale
cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with
him after 7 PM."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has
received several annoying telephone calls because of the
error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands
correct as follows: "For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing
machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask
for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for
sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the
phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs.
Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!
+++++++++++++++++++
Chocolate Calories"
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore...
In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity."- Donald A. Adams
+++++++++++++++++++
"Burning Your Bridges"
A hot-headed golfer with a penchant for breaking clubs was playing one day when he came to the 16th hole, where he faced an approach shot across a ravine.
He said to his caddie, "What kind of distance do we have, son?"
The caddie replied, "About 135, sir."
"My 6 iron, please," said the hothead.
His caddie replied, "It's going to have to be either a 3 iron or 3 wood, sir. That's all that's left in the bag!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Visa
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Flies on a Log
Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Flies on a Log" which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it. The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items. Diana's mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff. The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away. "Oh," said Diana's father. "I had that stuff for breakfast." Diana's faithful mother rushed to gather up more ingredients and rush them to school with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened. "Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first -- 'My dad ate my homework.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Commercial Reward
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls. After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?" Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, "About 10 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why did the dirty chicken cross the road? For some fowl purpose! How do sheep keep warm in winter?Central bleating! How do chickens dance?Chick to chick! What do you call a crazy chicken?A cuckoo-cluck!
+++++++++++++++++++
My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of
our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from
the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's
too young to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
+++++++++++++++++++
Motivating Others
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment
of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did.
Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much
noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the
child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should
be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the
neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave
the neighbors books that described
a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the
boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these
attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked
at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder
what's inside the drum?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after the age
of 25." - Mary Ann Tebedo, Republican member of the Colorado State Senate
+++++++++++++++++++
The following is an ad that appeared four days in a row in a
real-life newspaper -- the last three hopelessly trying to
correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for
sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask for Mrs. Kelly who
lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred in R.D. Jones' ad
yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale
cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with
him after 7 PM."
WEDNESDAY Notice: R.D. Jones has informed us that he has
received several annoying telephone calls because of the
error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands
correct as follows: "For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing
machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 PM and ask
for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY Notice: I, R.D. Jones, have no sewing machine for
sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the
phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs.
Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!
+++++++++++++++++++
Chocolate Calories"
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore...
In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"To give real service you must add something which cannot be bought or measured with money, and that is sincerity and integrity."- Donald A. Adams
+++++++++++++++++++
"Burning Your Bridges"
A hot-headed golfer with a penchant for breaking clubs was playing one day when he came to the 16th hole, where he faced an approach shot across a ravine.
He said to his caddie, "What kind of distance do we have, son?"
The caddie replied, "About 135, sir."
"My 6 iron, please," said the hothead.
His caddie replied, "It's going to have to be either a 3 iron or 3 wood, sir. That's all that's left in the bag!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Visa
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Flies on a Log
Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make "Flies on a Log" which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it. The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items. Diana's mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff. The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away. "Oh," said Diana's father. "I had that stuff for breakfast." Diana's faithful mother rushed to gather up more ingredients and rush them to school with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened. "Gee," said Diana's teacher, "that's a first -- 'My dad ate my homework.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Commercial Reward
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for John to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls. After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?" Without looking up from his newspaper John replied, "About 10 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why did the dirty chicken cross the road? For some fowl purpose! How do sheep keep warm in winter?Central bleating! How do chickens dance?Chick to chick! What do you call a crazy chicken?A cuckoo-cluck!
+++++++++++++++++++
My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of
our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from
the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's
too young to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
+++++++++++++++++++
Motivating Others
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment
of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did.
Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much
noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the
child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should
be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the
neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave
the neighbors books that described
a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the
boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these
attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked
at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder
what's inside the drum?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after the age
of 25." - Mary Ann Tebedo, Republican member of the Colorado State Senate
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