Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From My DogDogs teach us many things .....When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.Let others know when they've invaded your territory.Take naps and stretch before rising.Run, romp, and play daily.Thrive on attention and let people touch you.Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout ... run right back and make friends.Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.Be loyal.Never pretend to be something you're not.If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Minivan Tow"
A man was driving down the highway late one night when his mini-van broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamburgini Countash pulls up.
"Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the mini-van driver.
"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countash replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."
They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Farrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev it's engine to get the Countash to race. The Countash rev's its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.
The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countash were driving down the road doing about 120 with a Mini-van honking it's horn and flashing it's lights trying to pass them!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."- W.C. Fields
+++++++++++++++++++
"You've Been Promoted"
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said "You've been promoted," and I swerved.
Then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again,"and I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director," and I crashed into a tree. A policeman came up and said "What happened to you?"
I said "I careered off the road."
+++++++++++++++++++
A career military man, who had retired as a Master Sergeant,
was telling the new recruits how he handled officers during
his years of service.
"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel,
Major General, an Admiral, or what! I always told those guys
exactly where to get off."
"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young
soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"
"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to
tell the truth?"
"I do."
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then,
another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse
me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies," If you just go down the stream until the water
isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to
the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30
minutes later, he asks him to check again.
"Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for
almost two hours and the water is still salty!"
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when
they needed us." - Alan Kent
+++++++++++++++++++
Too Hot, Too Cold
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
+++++++++++++++++++
Tips to Improve Your Writing
1. Avoid alliteration. Always. 2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. 3. Employ the vernacular. 4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. 6. Remember to never split an infinitive. 7. Contractions aren't necessary. 8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 9. One should never generalize. 10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 13. Be more or less specific. 14. Understatement is always best. 15. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 17. The passive voice is to be avoided. 18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 20. Who needs rhetorical questions? 21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. 22. Don't never use a double negation. 23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point 24. Do not put statements in the negative form. 25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects. 26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out. 27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. 28. A writer must not shift your point of view. 29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) 30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!! 31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents. 32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. 33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is. 34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. 35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. 36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing. 37. Always pick on the correct idiom. 38. The adverb always follows the verb. 39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
+++++++++++++++++++
Daughter in College
Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education? As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker, "I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
A noise woke me up this morning. What was that?The crack of dawn! It's gone forever - forever I tell you!What has?Yesterday! Whats red and flies and wobbles at the same time?A jelly copter! Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella?He wanted to put something away for a rainy day! What's the name for a short legged tramp?A low down bum! Why did the man take a pencil to bed?To draw the curtains! What's the difference between an American student and an English student?About 3000 miles!
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
hUMOR For April 3rd
Vernie and his classmates had just finished a tour of the
local fire hall.
Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.
He asked little Vernie, "What do you do if your clothes catch
on fire?"
Vernie replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know." - Morticia,
The Addams Family
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Turns out Rudy Giuliani's wife forgot one marriage. Originally, she said she was married twice before. Now it turns out she was actually married three times. But she said she never talks about the first marriage. Hey, neither does Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno "The liberal assault on our president continues, folks. Yesterday the Democrats pulled out their most underhanded weapon yet -- Republicans. ... Senator Hagel wasted no time in mavericking the president [on screen: Hagel criticizing Bush and saying the U.S. is not a monarchy]. Of course it's not a monarchy. What an outrageous thing to say. The president should confiscate Hagel's land and revoke his privilege." --Stephen Colbert "According to the latest census survey, the number of people without health insurance has dropped by two million. Duh, they're dead because they didn't have health insurance." --Jay Leno "Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama's great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won't be Irish enough for people." --Bill Maher "In his new tell-all book, Republican former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said he partied too much, drank too much, and slept with too many women he wasn't married to. You know what the Republicans call a guy like that? A Democrat." --Jay Leno "I give credit where credit is due. Finally, someone from the Bush family has enlisted. George Prescott Bush, the president's nephew, has enlisted in the Navy. The Navy is a tradition in the Bush family. The first president Bush was a Navy pilot. The current President Bush spends money like a drunken sailor." --Bill Maher "According to the L.A. Times, insurgents in Iraq are targeting educated people like professors and librarians. ... If the intelligent are targeted and killed, then the only ones left to lead the country will be the ignorant. So, at least they are getting closer to an American-style democracy." --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Albanian Manufacturers
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...
- You automatically double-knot everything you tie. - You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes. - You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school! - You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce. - You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you. - You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells. - You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?" - You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What is evil, ugly and keep the neighbours awake?A witch with a drum kit! What goes cackle, cackle, squelch, squelch?A witch in soggy shoes! What do you call a witch that flies in Concorde?Lucky! What do you call two witches who share a broom sticks?Broom mates! What does a witch turn when the lights go out?The dark! What do witches use pencil sharpeners for?To keep their hats pointed! What is evil and ugly, puts spells on people and is made of leaves?A witch (The leaves were just a plant)!
+++++++++++++++++++
Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard,
got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was to a
military induction center, and because he was a good talker, was assigned the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI
insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing
that Boudreaux was getting a 99% signup rate for the more expensive
supplemental form of GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost
these low-income recruits $30 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques, but instead he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you
got da normal GI inshoranse an' you go to Iraq an' git yoself kilt, da
governmen' gonna pay you beneficiary $20,000. If you take out da
supplemental inshoranse, which cost you only t'irty dollar a mont, den da
governmen' gotta pay you beneficiary $200,000."
"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq
furst?"
+++++++++++++++++++
”Toast Rescue”
While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and return golden brown.
Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster, and I couldn't reach it. The woman next to me in line quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in, and fished out the piece of toast.
I joked, "You must be an emergency room worker."
"No," she replied with a grin. "I'm an obstetrician."
local fire hall.
Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.
He asked little Vernie, "What do you do if your clothes catch
on fire?"
Vernie replied promptly, "I don't put them on."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Life is not all lovely thorns and singing vultures, you know." - Morticia,
The Addams Family
+++++++++++++++++++
Recent Quips from Late Night
"Turns out Rudy Giuliani's wife forgot one marriage. Originally, she said she was married twice before. Now it turns out she was actually married three times. But she said she never talks about the first marriage. Hey, neither does Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno "The liberal assault on our president continues, folks. Yesterday the Democrats pulled out their most underhanded weapon yet -- Republicans. ... Senator Hagel wasted no time in mavericking the president [on screen: Hagel criticizing Bush and saying the U.S. is not a monarchy]. Of course it's not a monarchy. What an outrageous thing to say. The president should confiscate Hagel's land and revoke his privilege." --Stephen Colbert "According to the latest census survey, the number of people without health insurance has dropped by two million. Duh, they're dead because they didn't have health insurance." --Jay Leno "Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama's great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won't be Irish enough for people." --Bill Maher "In his new tell-all book, Republican former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay said he partied too much, drank too much, and slept with too many women he wasn't married to. You know what the Republicans call a guy like that? A Democrat." --Jay Leno "I give credit where credit is due. Finally, someone from the Bush family has enlisted. George Prescott Bush, the president's nephew, has enlisted in the Navy. The Navy is a tradition in the Bush family. The first president Bush was a Navy pilot. The current President Bush spends money like a drunken sailor." --Bill Maher "According to the L.A. Times, insurgents in Iraq are targeting educated people like professors and librarians. ... If the intelligent are targeted and killed, then the only ones left to lead the country will be the ignorant. So, at least they are getting closer to an American-style democracy." --Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Albanian Manufacturers
An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building. "Your workers, they're escaping!" cries the visitor. "You've got to stop them." "Don't worry, they'll be back," says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break. When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says, "Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?" "Forget the machines," says the visitor. "How much do you want for that whistle?"
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...
- You automatically double-knot everything you tie. - You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes. - You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school! - You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce. - You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you. - You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells. - You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?" - You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What is evil, ugly and keep the neighbours awake?A witch with a drum kit! What goes cackle, cackle, squelch, squelch?A witch in soggy shoes! What do you call a witch that flies in Concorde?Lucky! What do you call two witches who share a broom sticks?Broom mates! What does a witch turn when the lights go out?The dark! What do witches use pencil sharpeners for?To keep their hats pointed! What is evil and ugly, puts spells on people and is made of leaves?A witch (The leaves were just a plant)!
+++++++++++++++++++
Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard,
got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was to a
military induction center, and because he was a good talker, was assigned the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI
insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing
that Boudreaux was getting a 99% signup rate for the more expensive
supplemental form of GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost
these low-income recruits $30 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about his selling techniques, but instead he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.
Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, "If you
got da normal GI inshoranse an' you go to Iraq an' git yoself kilt, da
governmen' gonna pay you beneficiary $20,000. If you take out da
supplemental inshoranse, which cost you only t'irty dollar a mont, den da
governmen' gotta pay you beneficiary $200,000."
"NOW," Boudreaux concluded, "which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq
furst?"
+++++++++++++++++++
”Toast Rescue”
While visiting my mother in the hospital, I stopped in the cafeteria for breakfast. I set a piece of bread on the moving toaster rack and waited for it to pass under the heated coils and return golden brown.
Instead, it got stuck at the back of the toaster, and I couldn't reach it. The woman next to me in line quickly seized a pair of tongs, reached in, and fished out the piece of toast.
I joked, "You must be an emergency room worker."
"No," she replied with a grin. "I'm an obstetrician."
Monday, April 02, 2007
hUMOR For April 2nd
Computer Power
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
+++++++++++++++++++
You Still Know You're a Tech Geek When...
- When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination. - When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash. - When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines. - When you call "*.*" star-dot-star. - When you can do hexadecimal arithimatic in your head. - When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'." - When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
+++++++++++++++++++
Investment Counselor
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor. The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'?A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons! What do you get if you cross a pile of mud with a pig?A groundhog! How do you take a pig to hospital?By hambulance! What do you call a joke book for chickens?A yolk book!
+++++++++++++++++++
My Protestant clergy friend was speaking with a Catholic priest and wanted
to make a solid friendship. He spoke of many things and felt it was going
well, but when he asked if the priest's dad had been a priest, the
conversation was over.
+++++++++++++++++++
Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As
he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him
and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.
"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather
won't turn bad on us."
Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!
+++++++++++++++++++
Cholesterophobia: Fear of frying.
+++++++++++++++++++
Elderly Pre-Nups
Preparing for your last marriage...
An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.She said, “I want to keep my house.”He said, “That's fine with me.”She said, “And I want to keep my Cadillac.”He said, “That's fine with me.”She said, “And I want to have sex 6 times a week.”He said, “That's fine with me. Put me down for Fridays.”
+++++++++++++++++++
The Old PhoneA boy's journey with his friend, “ Information Please”
When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was “Information Please” and there was nothing she did not know.“Information Please” could supply anyone's number and the correct time.My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone!Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing.Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.“Information, please” I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.“ Information.”“I hurt my finger...” I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.“Isn't your mother home?” came the question.“Nobody's home but me,” I blubbered.“Are you bleeding?” the voice asked.“No, ” I replied. “I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.”“Can you open the icebox?” she asked. I said I could.“Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,” said the voice.After that, I called “Information Please” for everything.I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was.She helped me with my math.She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.Then there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, “Information Please” and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child.But I was not consoled.I asked her, “Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?”She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, “Wayne, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.”Somehow I felt better.Another day I was on the telephone, “Information Please.”“ Information,” said in the now familiar voice.“How do I spell fix?” I asked.All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston.I missed my friend very much.“Information Please” belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall.As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciate now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes.I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown Operator and said, “Information Please.”Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. “ Information.”I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, “Could you please tell me how to spell fix?”There was a long pause.Then came the soft spoken answer, “I guess your finger must have healed by now?”I laughed. “So it's really you,” I said.“I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?”“I wonder,” she said, “if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.”I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.“Please do,” she said. “Just ask for Sally.”Three months later I was back in Seattle.A different voice answered “ Information.”I asked for Sally.“Are you a friend?” she said.“Yes, a very old friend,” I answered.“I'm sorry to have to tell you this,” she said. “Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.”Before I could hang up she said, “Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne?”“ Yes,” I answered.“Well, Sally left a message for you.”“She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you. The note said, 'Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean.'”I thanked her and hung up.I knew what Sally meant...Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. Whose life have you touched today?Life is a journey, NOT a guided tour. So don't miss the ride, and have a great time going around - you don't get a second shot at it...
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
+++++++++++++++++++
You Still Know You're a Tech Geek When...
- When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination. - When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash. - When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines. - When you call "*.*" star-dot-star. - When you can do hexadecimal arithimatic in your head. - When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'." - When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
+++++++++++++++++++
Investment Counselor
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment counselor. The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'?A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons! What do you get if you cross a pile of mud with a pig?A groundhog! How do you take a pig to hospital?By hambulance! What do you call a joke book for chickens?A yolk book!
+++++++++++++++++++
My Protestant clergy friend was speaking with a Catholic priest and wanted
to make a solid friendship. He spoke of many things and felt it was going
well, but when he asked if the priest's dad had been a priest, the
conversation was over.
+++++++++++++++++++
Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As
he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him
and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.
"Preacher," the organizer said, "I trust you'll see to it that the weather
won't turn bad on us."
Our pastor shook his head. "Sorry," he replied. "I'm sales, not management!
+++++++++++++++++++
Cholesterophobia: Fear of frying.
+++++++++++++++++++
Elderly Pre-Nups
Preparing for your last marriage...
An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.She said, “I want to keep my house.”He said, “That's fine with me.”She said, “And I want to keep my Cadillac.”He said, “That's fine with me.”She said, “And I want to have sex 6 times a week.”He said, “That's fine with me. Put me down for Fridays.”
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The Old PhoneA boy's journey with his friend, “ Information Please”
When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was “Information Please” and there was nothing she did not know.“Information Please” could supply anyone's number and the correct time.My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone!Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing.Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.“Information, please” I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.“ Information.”“I hurt my finger...” I wailed into the phone, the tears came readily enough now that I had an audience.“Isn't your mother home?” came the question.“Nobody's home but me,” I blubbered.“Are you bleeding?” the voice asked.“No, ” I replied. “I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.”“Can you open the icebox?” she asked. I said I could.“Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,” said the voice.After that, I called “Information Please” for everything.I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was.She helped me with my math.She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.Then there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, “Information Please” and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child.But I was not consoled.I asked her, “Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?”She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, “Wayne, always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.”Somehow I felt better.Another day I was on the telephone, “Information Please.”“ Information,” said in the now familiar voice.“How do I spell fix?” I asked.All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston.I missed my friend very much.“Information Please” belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall.As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciate now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes.I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown Operator and said, “Information Please.”Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well. “ Information.”I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, “Could you please tell me how to spell fix?”There was a long pause.Then came the soft spoken answer, “I guess your finger must have healed by now?”I laughed. “So it's really you,” I said.“I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?”“I wonder,” she said, “if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.”I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.“Please do,” she said. “Just ask for Sally.”Three months later I was back in Seattle.A different voice answered “ Information.”I asked for Sally.“Are you a friend?” she said.“Yes, a very old friend,” I answered.“I'm sorry to have to tell you this,” she said. “Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.”Before I could hang up she said, “Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne?”“ Yes,” I answered.“Well, Sally left a message for you.”“She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to you. The note said, 'Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean.'”I thanked her and hung up.I knew what Sally meant...Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. Whose life have you touched today?Life is a journey, NOT a guided tour. So don't miss the ride, and have a great time going around - you don't get a second shot at it...
Sunday, April 01, 2007
hUMOR For April 1st
Local CrimeA thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment.A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
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In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial
sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological
observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational
communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified
comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.
Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune
babblement, and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated expatiations have
intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical
bombast.
Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain
vapid verbosity.
In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."
+++++++++++++++++++
I was visiting a friend who couldn't find her cordless phone.
After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said, "You know what
they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never
gets lost."
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"This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote
it." - Miss Piggy
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You Know You're a Tech Geek When...
- When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!" - When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD. - When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". - When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap". - When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor." - When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors. - When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
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Number 12
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. "Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman. "Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice. "You're under 18," replies the barman.
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Two Trouble Makers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial
sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological
observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational
communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified
comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency.
Eschew obfuscation and all conglomeration of flatulent garrulity, jejune
babblement, and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated expatiations have
intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical
bombast.
Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain
vapid verbosity.
In short: "Be brief and don't use big words."
+++++++++++++++++++
I was visiting a friend who couldn't find her cordless phone.
After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said, "You know what
they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never
gets lost."
+++++++++++++++++++
"This is a cheap-shot comedy sketch, and I'll lay you odds the frog wrote
it." - Miss Piggy
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know You're a Tech Geek When...
- When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!" - When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD. - When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". - When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap". - When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor." - When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors. - When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
+++++++++++++++++++
Number 12
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. "Sorry I can't serve you," states the barman. "Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice. "You're under 18," replies the barman.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Trouble Makers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame. The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"
Saturday, March 31, 2007
hUMOR For March 31st
Fairest Tax?At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said."But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner. "Ay-ah," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."
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"Priory Priority"
The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary student residence of the small Catholic university where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker's ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness experienced by one of the older monks whose order had founded the college.
"This must be difficult to watch, Father," I said. "The tradition associated with that building, the memories of all the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you."
"It's worse than that," the monk replied. "I think I left my PalmPilot in there."
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CleanQuote
"Always do right - This will gratify some and astonish the rest."- Mark Twain
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"Estates" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Two elderly gents met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies. The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth. On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?"
The other old fellow replied, "All of it."
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WORDS WOMEN USE
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument whenyou are right and you need to shut up.2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means halfan hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have justbeen given five more minutes to watch the game before helpingaround the house.3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This meanssomething and you should be on your toes. Arguments that beginwith Nothing usually end in Fine. (Refer back to #1 for themeaning of Fine.)4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it!5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbalstatement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means shethinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting hertime standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Referback to #3 for the meaning of Nothing.)6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statementsa women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants tothink long and hard before deciding how and when you will payfor your mistake.7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you -- do not question, or faint.Just say you're welcome.8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying NUTS TO YOU!9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerousstatement, meaning this is something that a woman has told aman to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This willlater result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman'sresponse to be nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning ofNothing.)Send this to the men you know, to warn them about argumentsthey can avoid if they remember the terminology.Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh. . . 'causethey know it's true.
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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and goingback to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold themwhile you chop away.4. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat. Use the sink.5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus
reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never trust a fart.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.If you woke up breathing, congratulations!You get another chance.
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Ode to Fading Memory
My forgetter's getting better, But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, <>and Say "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, WHEE!The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say! "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "who was that?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Priory Priority"
The 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary student residence of the small Catholic university where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker's ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness experienced by one of the older monks whose order had founded the college.
"This must be difficult to watch, Father," I said. "The tradition associated with that building, the memories of all the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you."
"It's worse than that," the monk replied. "I think I left my PalmPilot in there."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Always do right - This will gratify some and astonish the rest."- Mark Twain
+++++++++++++++++++
"Estates" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Two elderly gents met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies. The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth. On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?"
The other old fellow replied, "All of it."
+++++++++++++++++++
WORDS WOMEN USE
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument whenyou are right and you need to shut up.2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means halfan hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have justbeen given five more minutes to watch the game before helpingaround the house.3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This meanssomething and you should be on your toes. Arguments that beginwith Nothing usually end in Fine. (Refer back to #1 for themeaning of Fine.)4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it!5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbalstatement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means shethinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting hertime standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Referback to #3 for the meaning of Nothing.)6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statementsa women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants tothink long and hard before deciding how and when you will payfor your mistake.7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you -- do not question, or faint.Just say you're welcome.8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying NUTS TO YOU!9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerousstatement, meaning this is something that a woman has told aman to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This willlater result in a man asking "what's wrong", for the woman'sresponse to be nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning ofNothing.)Send this to the men you know, to warn them about argumentsthey can avoid if they remember the terminology.Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh. . . 'causethey know it's true.
+++++++++++++++++++
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and goingback to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold themwhile you chop away.4. Avoid arguments with your wife about lifting the toilet seat. Use the sink.5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus
reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the headache.Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never trust a fart.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.If you woke up breathing, congratulations!You get another chance.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ode to Fading Memory
My forgetter's getting better, But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, <>and Say "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, WHEE!The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say! "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "who was that?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke.
Friday, March 30, 2007
hUMOR For March 30th
Change is Good?Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped."Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this.""Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here."
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One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny
town got up early and went to the local church. Before the
services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews
and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he
walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why
aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for
over 48 years."
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Form Feed
Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident: Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus. A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows: Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo
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Choose a Punishment
Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer. "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."
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Debate About the Box
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material. Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares: "I define myself to be on the outside."
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Only in the South
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in the South.There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.Onced and twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.People actually grow and eat okra.Fixinto is one word.There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."Djeet? is actually a word meaning "Did you eat?"You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.YOU KNOW YOUR FROM THE SOUTH IF:You measure distance in minutes.You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.You know what a "DAWG" is.You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World" or praying at the "Church of Sam" if you go every Sunday.You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather.A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?"Fried catfish is the other white meat.We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from the South (and those who just wish they were).Not EVERYONE can be a Southerner, it's an art form and a gift from God!
+++++++++++++++++++
One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny
town got up early and went to the local church. Before the
services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews
and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he
walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why
aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for
over 48 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
Form Feed
Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident: Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus. A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows: Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo
+++++++++++++++++++
Choose a Punishment
Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offense. "You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer. "All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."
+++++++++++++++++++
Debate About the Box
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material. Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares: "I define myself to be on the outside."
+++++++++++++++++++
Only in the South
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in the South.There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before.If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.Onced and twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.People actually grow and eat okra.Fixinto is one word.There is no such thing as "lunch." There is only dinner and then there is supper.Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!Backards and forwards means "I know everything about you."Djeet? is actually a word meaning "Did you eat?"You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.
You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.YOU KNOW YOUR FROM THE SOUTH IF:You measure distance in minutes.You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.You use "fix" as a verb. Example: "I'm fixing to go to the store."All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.You know what a "DAWG" is.You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Wal-martin" or off to "Wally World" or praying at the "Church of Sam" if you go every Sunday.You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean weather.A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: "What kinda coke you want?"Fried catfish is the other white meat.We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.You understand these jokes and forward them to your friends from the South (and those who just wish they were).Not EVERYONE can be a Southerner, it's an art form and a gift from God!
Thursday, March 29, 2007
hUMOR For 29th
The CaddyAfter a long day on the course, the exasperated golfer turned to his caddy and said, "You must be the absolute worst caddy in the world!""No, I don't think so," said the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."
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Kid Wisdom
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
answer.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Don't pull your dad's finger when he tells you to.
Never leave your three-year-old brother in the same room as
your school assignment.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone.
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Big ethical dilemma
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
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Fighting Mood
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
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Golf Problem
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
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"Military Man"
A career military man, who had retired as a Master Sergeant, was telling the new recruits how he handled officers during his years of service.
"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel, Major General, an Admiral, or what! I always told those guys exactly where to get off."
"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"
"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."
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CleanQuote
"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."- H. L. Mencken
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"Expert Testimony" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Arthur C. Clarke, who wrote the science fiction novel 200l: A Space Odyssey, was also a scientist. He received a telegram from newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst demanding, "Is there life on Mars? Cable one thousand words."
Clarke wired back: "Nobody knows. Repeat five hundred times."
+++++++++++++++++++
Kid Wisdom
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
answer.
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Don't pull your dad's finger when he tells you to.
Never leave your three-year-old brother in the same room as
your school assignment.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone.
+++++++++++++++++++
Big ethical dilemma
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Fighting Mood
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
+++++++++++++++++++
Golf Problem
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Military Man"
A career military man, who had retired as a Master Sergeant, was telling the new recruits how he handled officers during his years of service.
"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel, Major General, an Admiral, or what! I always told those guys exactly where to get off."
"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"
"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."- H. L. Mencken
+++++++++++++++++++
"Expert Testimony" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Arthur C. Clarke, who wrote the science fiction novel 200l: A Space Odyssey, was also a scientist. He received a telegram from newspaper publisher William Randolph Hearst demanding, "Is there life on Mars? Cable one thousand words."
Clarke wired back: "Nobody knows. Repeat five hundred times."
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
hUMOR For March 28th
Clue-ChallengedThe server had to be taken offline on an emergency basis to fix a major problem and restore corrupted data. The group responsible did a wonderful job of minimizing downtime and keeping everyone informed about the progress, reports a technician there.But once it's all over, one particularly clue-challenged middle manager sends along a request for handling the next crisis. "Any chance we can conduct these activities over the weekends? This was not a good thing to have happen during the standard workweek."
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You know how hard it is to talk to your dentist when your
teeth are being cleaned or you are getting a filling? Well,
I decided I would make up a sort of sign language that you
could use to express yourself without having to mumble.
Below are 10 common things you might wish to say, numbered
1-10. These would be printed on a poster and mounted on the
ceiling above the dentist chair.
It would give you something to read since procedures can be
boring. When a phrase seems appropriate, you would just hold
up the corresponding number of fingers to express yourself.
The dentist would not need to stop to ask you to repeat
yourself and could fix the problem right away.
1. Everything is fine, but my nose itches.
2. When you get a chance, there seems to be spit running
down my neck.
3. So, I guess you had garlic again for lunch today?
4. You realize that wasn't my tooth that you just poked with
that incredibly sharp tool of yours.
5. I would REALLY prefer you didn't do that again.
6. Could you please suction the chunk of debris that you
missed before I gag?
7. Remember how I said I was numb? I think I may have been
mistaken.
8. Wait a minute -- maybe I am allergic to latex.
9. Just so you know, if I don't get to take a break soon, I
may bite you.
10. Please stop asking me stupid questions about myself or I
will take that paper mask off your face.
+++++++++++++++++++
Fixing Broken Computers
An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.
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Girlfriend in the Car
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
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Quiet in Church
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
+++++++++++++++++++
As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the Zoo, Sally occasionally
receives thank you notes from members of
school groups.
One of her favorites said: "Dear Sally, I am a third grader. I loved all the
animals in the zoo. You were the best of all."
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It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this
should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor
asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window .
+++++++++++++++++++
"I don't know why people are surprised that France wouldn't help us get
Saddam
out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France
either." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her Face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds ! And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. but she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against The steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Women drivers!!
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You know how hard it is to talk to your dentist when your
teeth are being cleaned or you are getting a filling? Well,
I decided I would make up a sort of sign language that you
could use to express yourself without having to mumble.
Below are 10 common things you might wish to say, numbered
1-10. These would be printed on a poster and mounted on the
ceiling above the dentist chair.
It would give you something to read since procedures can be
boring. When a phrase seems appropriate, you would just hold
up the corresponding number of fingers to express yourself.
The dentist would not need to stop to ask you to repeat
yourself and could fix the problem right away.
1. Everything is fine, but my nose itches.
2. When you get a chance, there seems to be spit running
down my neck.
3. So, I guess you had garlic again for lunch today?
4. You realize that wasn't my tooth that you just poked with
that incredibly sharp tool of yours.
5. I would REALLY prefer you didn't do that again.
6. Could you please suction the chunk of debris that you
missed before I gag?
7. Remember how I said I was numb? I think I may have been
mistaken.
8. Wait a minute -- maybe I am allergic to latex.
9. Just so you know, if I don't get to take a break soon, I
may bite you.
10. Please stop asking me stupid questions about myself or I
will take that paper mask off your face.
+++++++++++++++++++
Fixing Broken Computers
An office technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced. He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it." About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.
+++++++++++++++++++
Girlfriend in the Car
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Quiet in Church
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
+++++++++++++++++++
As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the Zoo, Sally occasionally
receives thank you notes from members of
school groups.
One of her favorites said: "Dear Sally, I am a third grader. I loved all the
animals in the zoo. You were the best of all."
+++++++++++++++++++
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this
should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor
asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window .
+++++++++++++++++++
"I don't know why people are surprised that France wouldn't help us get
Saddam
out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get Hitler out of France
either." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her Face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds ! And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. but she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against The steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Women drivers!!
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
hUMOR For March 27th
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
good, so we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax... OH, MY NO!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came
back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot
coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see
the back of mine!"
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"It's March Madness. I know people go crazy for this. ... It's the time of year when college basketball teams are eliminated faster than U.S. attorneys." --Bill Maher "In a stunning new poll in Time magazine, Hillary Clinton's lead has dropped from 19 points over Barack Obama to just seven points. She's now blaming it on a vast left-wing conspiracy." --Jay Leno "According to a transcript of a U.S. military tribunal released Wednesday, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed admitted to planning the 9/11 attack, saying, 'I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z.' He then politely asked the interviewer to kindly remove the curling iron from his butt." --Seth Meyers "There's a new book coming out about Bill Clinton ... and it says Bill Clinton has had a number of one-night stands in Ireland, France, Taiwan, Rio and London. He flies overseas to have sex. That shows how times have changed. Remember the old days? He didn't even have to leave his desk." --Jay Leno "Military contractor Halliburton announced this week that it is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston, Texas, to Dubai. A Halliburton spokesman said Dubai was chosen because of its convenient location just outside the long arm of the law." --Amy Poehler "The big rumor is that Newt Gingrich may run for president. Newt Gingrich has the best reason to stay out of the Mid East -- he knows they stone adulterers." --Jay Leno
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Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
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Embarrassing Traffic Stop
A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding. Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was. "I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.
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Church Bulletin BloopersBest of the bloopers 4U...
1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.3. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.5. The Pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the Church hall. Music will follow.13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir.14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.18. The Associate Minister unveiled the Church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."20. Don't let worry kill you, let the Church help.21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.23. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.24. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.25. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit.26. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.27. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All".28. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of his 300th birthday.29. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.30. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.31. Twenty-two members were present at the Church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.32. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.33. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"34. Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett.35. Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding".36. On a Church bulletin during the minister's illness: "GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better."37. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the Church secretary.38. The 2000 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and May 11.39. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.40. This afternoon, there will be a meeting at the South and North ends of the Church. Children will be baptized at both ends.41. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.42. The Church is glad to have with us today the Rev. Shirley Green and Mrs. Green. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the hanging of the Greens.43. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.44. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the Church basement Saturday.45. Miss Charlette Manson sang, "I will not pass this way again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.46. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around thehouse. Don't forget your husbands".47. The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.48. The Service this morning: "Jesus walks on the water". The Service tonight: "Searching for Jesus".49. Sarah remains in the hospital and needs donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor David's Sermons.50. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are afflicted with any Church.51. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The Pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience".52. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.53. Ushers will eat latecomers.54. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.55. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.56. Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.57. Today - Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.58. Evening massage - 6 P.M.59. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.60. Announcement in the Church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals".61. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.62. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 63. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the Church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.64. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.65. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.66. The Church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.67. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.68. Our youth basketball team is back in action on Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.69. Today is the fifth Sunday of Lint.70. If you are blind or unable to understand English, please ask for assistance.71. The men's group will hear a car talk at noon.72. Great news! Doctors have performed a CAT scan on Pastor McLaren's head and report that they have found nothing!73. The Scripture reading today is from the Gospel according to Luck.
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Fortune Cookies - In BedAdd some excitement to your next Fortune Cookie message!At the very least, you too can become a Fortune Cookie writer...
The next time you are with a group of people at a Chinese restaurant, when they bring you the Fortune Cookies, make sure that everyone in your group opens their Fortune Cookie in front of everyone – and reads out their fortune message… BUT at the end of their message, they have to add the words, “In Bed”… here’s what could happen!A change of heart may lead to a new living environment in bed.A certain someone will appear who could enhance your life in bed.A dramatic change of scenery is in store for you in bed.A friend will soon bring you a present in bed.A man with brown eyes has a surprise for you in bed.A new chapter in your life is being written in bed.A newspaper item will soon happily affect you in bed.A personal relationship will become more fulfilling in bed.A romantic interlude may have to be postponed in bed.A short stranger will soon enter your life in bed.A sudden change in plans will lead to good fortune in bed.A windfall is coming for you in bed.A worthy cause will appreciate your generosity in bed.Accept no substitutes for that which is genuine in bed.Accept the next proposition you hear in bed.Affairs of the heart shall bring you deep joy in bed.All goes well with your personal life in bed.An official document will arrive soon in bed.An old friend will be your source of strength in bed.An outgoing attitude is the key to your efforts in bed.An unexpected call could be pleasing to a good friend in bed.Avoid taking unnecessary risks in bed.Back away from individuals who are impulsive in bed.Be patient if some luxuries are not out of your reach in bed.Being on time will aid you to succeed this month in bed.Being the first to try something new could be great in bed.By next month, your added responsibilities will be alleviated in bed.
Catch up with various neglected chores in bed.Children will play an important role in your life in bed. (the Michael Jackson fortune cookie!)Clarity of mind helps in decision making in bed.
Don't be hasty; prosperity will knock on your door soon in bed.Don't lose sight of what you want in bed.
Easy times are ahead for you in bed.Enjoy your good company, they are true friends in bed.Fall shall see all your cares and worries slip away in bed.Family relationships will improve with time in bed.Feelings of goodwill to all should lighten your mood in bed.Find some time to look up some older relatives in bed.Find the road to your happiness by helping others in bed.Follow the advice of your heart in bed.Follow your instincts, they are valid in bed.Functioning superbly will come automatically to you in bed.Give your undivided attention to things that are basic in bed.If planning study or training, now is the time to go ahead in bed.If you have any doubts at all, hold off on decisions in bed.If you have money in hand, spend it on improving yourself in bed.Important associates will be there for you if needed in bed.Important news about your job will come soon in bed.It will take maturity and compromise to manage in bed.Joint ventures work out better than going it alone in bed.Judge one not by his charms, but by his qualities in bed.
Keep a 'go-for-it' attitude and you are sure to be a winner in bed.Keep your plans secret for now in bed.
Let no one cause you to violate your principles in bed.Listen to your intuition this month in bed.Look for a priceless bit of news from a loved one in bed.Look to the coming month for a solution to your problem in bed.Luck is on your side if you have patience in bed.Luck is on your side this month in bed.Luck will visit you on the next new moon in bed.Make the most of a period of relative peace and harmony in bed.Make up your mind and do what you want to do in bed.Make way for new career decisions in bed.Minimize expectations to avoid being disappointed in bed.Next month will be a special month for you in bed.Next month will be hectic, yet delightful in bed.Next week you should unveil your idea. Be ready to act in bed.Now is a good time to start something new in bed.Now is the time to depart from your regular routine in bed.Now is the time to enjoy trying something new in bed.Now is the time to resolve all unfinished business in bed.Opportunities to shine in your career will materialize soon in bed.People find it difficult to resist your persuasive manner in bed.People you deal with will be more co-operative than usual in bed.Persistence will lead to a promotion soon in bed.Play it safe next month, and it will be a great one in bed.Re-decorating will be in your plans in bed.Rely on long time friends to give you advice in bed.Resist a temptation to take shortcuts of any kind in bed.Sensitivity makes you special, but also makes you vulnerable in bed.Share your happiness with others today in bed.Solutions will come to you while you are walking in bed.Someone close to you will show you the way in bed.Soon a stranger shall enlighten you in bed.Soon you will encounter a whole new world of opportunity in bed.Striving for the best will bring you the best in bed.Success is a sure thing in bed.Success is yours if you continue on the path you have chosen in bed.Take steps now to ensure success in bed.The evening promises romantic interests in bed.The joys of leisure time will be yours in bed.The sky's the limit this month in bed.The social scene will be a lot more fun today in bed.The star of riches is shining on you in bed.The tide of change approaches in bed.The time is right to make new friends in bed.There is a tendency to carry activities too far in bed.There is new hope for projects you had almost given up on in bed.There will be a change in plans this weekend in bed.This is a month of opportunities, but you must stay alert in bed.To get what you want, you must commit yourself for some time in bed.Trust him, but still keep your eyes open in bed.Tuesdays & Thursdays stack odds in your favour in bed.
Welcome affectionate gestures from friends or lovers in bed.When the daffodils bloom, so will great joy in your life in bed.With renewed energy, accomplish what you can in bed.You and your loved ones will be happy in your life together in bed.You are a bundle of energy, always on the go in bed.You are a person of culture in bed.You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products in bed.You are heading for a land of sunshine and fun in bed.You are kind and trustworthy by nature in bed.You are next in line for promotion in bed.You are sensitively tuned-in to loved ones creative talents in bed.You deserve respect and will eventually get it in bed.You have all the assistance and luck this month to succeed in bed.You have artistic talent; do something creative in bed.You have got a way with words; maximize on it in bed.You shall attain great wisdom with the passing years in bed.You shall soon achieve perfection in bed.You shall soon gain the attention of those who count in bed.You shall soon make a long overdue personal decision in bed.You will be deeply loved in bed.You will be drawn to the glamour of the stage in bed.You will be fortunate in everything you put your hands to in bed.You will be showered with good luck in bed.You will be successful in any gathering in bed.You will be the centre of a special group's attention in bed.You will discover your hidden talents in bed.You will get comfort from a new relationship in bed.You will get the practical help you have been seeking in bed.You will give some thought to a different lifestyle in bed.You will have an enjoyable experience in bed.You will have good luck and overcome any hardships in bed.You will have many friends when you need them in bed.You will help someone in need in bed.You will make a profitable transaction next month in bed.You will obtain your goal if you maintain your course in bed.You will soon be honoured by someone you respect in bed.You will soon be very proud of someone close to you in bed.Your anxieties are beginning to clear in bed.Your belief in the goodness of mankind will be rewarded in bed.Your dearest wish will come true in bed.Your efforts will be well rewarded. Be patient in bed.Your future looks very promising in bed.Your future will be happy and productive in bed.Your home is a pleasant place from which you draw happiness in bed.Your honesty will be recognized in bed.Your kindness to others shall be returned to you threefold in bed.Your love of peace will affect the course of events in bed.Your luck will soon be at a high in bed.Your magnetic personality will draw people to you in bed.Your mastery of every situation will soon prove very important in bed.Your most difficult problems will soon be nothing in bed.Your partner will be proud of you in bed.Your path is difficult, but will be amply rewarded in bed.Your search for knowledge will lead you to high places in bed.Your self-restraint will pay dividends in bed.Your senior years will be happy & successful in bed.Your talents are in fine shape; utilize them to their fullest in bed.Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded in bed.Your talents will soon be recognized in bed.Your winsome smile will be your sure protection in bed.standard workweek."
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an
announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293,
nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
good, so we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax... OH, MY NO!"
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came
back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot
coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see
the back of mine!"
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"It's March Madness. I know people go crazy for this. ... It's the time of year when college basketball teams are eliminated faster than U.S. attorneys." --Bill Maher "In a stunning new poll in Time magazine, Hillary Clinton's lead has dropped from 19 points over Barack Obama to just seven points. She's now blaming it on a vast left-wing conspiracy." --Jay Leno "According to a transcript of a U.S. military tribunal released Wednesday, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed admitted to planning the 9/11 attack, saying, 'I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z.' He then politely asked the interviewer to kindly remove the curling iron from his butt." --Seth Meyers "There's a new book coming out about Bill Clinton ... and it says Bill Clinton has had a number of one-night stands in Ireland, France, Taiwan, Rio and London. He flies overseas to have sex. That shows how times have changed. Remember the old days? He didn't even have to leave his desk." --Jay Leno "Military contractor Halliburton announced this week that it is moving its corporate headquarters from Houston, Texas, to Dubai. A Halliburton spokesman said Dubai was chosen because of its convenient location just outside the long arm of the law." --Amy Poehler "The big rumor is that Newt Gingrich may run for president. Newt Gingrich has the best reason to stay out of the Mid East -- he knows they stone adulterers." --Jay Leno
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Nobel Prize
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
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Embarrassing Traffic Stop
A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding. Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was. "I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.
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Church Bulletin BloopersBest of the bloopers 4U...
1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.2. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.3. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.5. The Pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Church and community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.10. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Adams.11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the Church hall. Music will follow.13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir.14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.15. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.16. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.17. The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.18. The Associate Minister unveiled the Church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."19. Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."20. Don't let worry kill you, let the Church help.21. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.22. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.23. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.24. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.25. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit.26. Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.27. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All".28. The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of his 300th birthday.29. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.30. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.31. Twenty-two members were present at the Church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.32. Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.33. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"34. Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett.35. Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding".36. On a Church bulletin during the minister's illness: "GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better."37. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the Church secretary.38. The 2000 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and May 11.39. The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.40. This afternoon, there will be a meeting at the South and North ends of the Church. Children will be baptized at both ends.41. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.42. The Church is glad to have with us today the Rev. Shirley Green and Mrs. Green. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the hanging of the Greens.43. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.44. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the Church basement Saturday.45. Miss Charlette Manson sang, "I will not pass this way again", giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.46. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around thehouse. Don't forget your husbands".47. The peace making meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.48. The Service this morning: "Jesus walks on the water". The Service tonight: "Searching for Jesus".49. Sarah remains in the hospital and needs donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor David's Sermons.50. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are afflicted with any Church.51. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The Pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience".52. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.53. Ushers will eat latecomers.54. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.55. Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.56. Thursday at 5 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.57. Today - Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.58. Evening massage - 6 P.M.59. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.60. Announcement in the Church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals".61. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.62. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 63. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the Church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.64. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.65. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.66. The Church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.67. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.68. Our youth basketball team is back in action on Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.69. Today is the fifth Sunday of Lint.70. If you are blind or unable to understand English, please ask for assistance.71. The men's group will hear a car talk at noon.72. Great news! Doctors have performed a CAT scan on Pastor McLaren's head and report that they have found nothing!73. The Scripture reading today is from the Gospel according to Luck.
+++++++++++++++++++
Fortune Cookies - In BedAdd some excitement to your next Fortune Cookie message!At the very least, you too can become a Fortune Cookie writer...
The next time you are with a group of people at a Chinese restaurant, when they bring you the Fortune Cookies, make sure that everyone in your group opens their Fortune Cookie in front of everyone – and reads out their fortune message… BUT at the end of their message, they have to add the words, “In Bed”… here’s what could happen!A change of heart may lead to a new living environment in bed.A certain someone will appear who could enhance your life in bed.A dramatic change of scenery is in store for you in bed.A friend will soon bring you a present in bed.A man with brown eyes has a surprise for you in bed.A new chapter in your life is being written in bed.A newspaper item will soon happily affect you in bed.A personal relationship will become more fulfilling in bed.A romantic interlude may have to be postponed in bed.A short stranger will soon enter your life in bed.A sudden change in plans will lead to good fortune in bed.A windfall is coming for you in bed.A worthy cause will appreciate your generosity in bed.Accept no substitutes for that which is genuine in bed.Accept the next proposition you hear in bed.Affairs of the heart shall bring you deep joy in bed.All goes well with your personal life in bed.An official document will arrive soon in bed.An old friend will be your source of strength in bed.An outgoing attitude is the key to your efforts in bed.An unexpected call could be pleasing to a good friend in bed.Avoid taking unnecessary risks in bed.Back away from individuals who are impulsive in bed.Be patient if some luxuries are not out of your reach in bed.Being on time will aid you to succeed this month in bed.Being the first to try something new could be great in bed.By next month, your added responsibilities will be alleviated in bed.
Catch up with various neglected chores in bed.Children will play an important role in your life in bed. (the Michael Jackson fortune cookie!)Clarity of mind helps in decision making in bed.
Don't be hasty; prosperity will knock on your door soon in bed.Don't lose sight of what you want in bed.
Easy times are ahead for you in bed.Enjoy your good company, they are true friends in bed.Fall shall see all your cares and worries slip away in bed.Family relationships will improve with time in bed.Feelings of goodwill to all should lighten your mood in bed.Find some time to look up some older relatives in bed.Find the road to your happiness by helping others in bed.Follow the advice of your heart in bed.Follow your instincts, they are valid in bed.Functioning superbly will come automatically to you in bed.Give your undivided attention to things that are basic in bed.If planning study or training, now is the time to go ahead in bed.If you have any doubts at all, hold off on decisions in bed.If you have money in hand, spend it on improving yourself in bed.Important associates will be there for you if needed in bed.Important news about your job will come soon in bed.It will take maturity and compromise to manage in bed.Joint ventures work out better than going it alone in bed.Judge one not by his charms, but by his qualities in bed.
Keep a 'go-for-it' attitude and you are sure to be a winner in bed.Keep your plans secret for now in bed.
Let no one cause you to violate your principles in bed.Listen to your intuition this month in bed.Look for a priceless bit of news from a loved one in bed.Look to the coming month for a solution to your problem in bed.Luck is on your side if you have patience in bed.Luck is on your side this month in bed.Luck will visit you on the next new moon in bed.Make the most of a period of relative peace and harmony in bed.Make up your mind and do what you want to do in bed.Make way for new career decisions in bed.Minimize expectations to avoid being disappointed in bed.Next month will be a special month for you in bed.Next month will be hectic, yet delightful in bed.Next week you should unveil your idea. Be ready to act in bed.Now is a good time to start something new in bed.Now is the time to depart from your regular routine in bed.Now is the time to enjoy trying something new in bed.Now is the time to resolve all unfinished business in bed.Opportunities to shine in your career will materialize soon in bed.People find it difficult to resist your persuasive manner in bed.People you deal with will be more co-operative than usual in bed.Persistence will lead to a promotion soon in bed.Play it safe next month, and it will be a great one in bed.Re-decorating will be in your plans in bed.Rely on long time friends to give you advice in bed.Resist a temptation to take shortcuts of any kind in bed.Sensitivity makes you special, but also makes you vulnerable in bed.Share your happiness with others today in bed.Solutions will come to you while you are walking in bed.Someone close to you will show you the way in bed.Soon a stranger shall enlighten you in bed.Soon you will encounter a whole new world of opportunity in bed.Striving for the best will bring you the best in bed.Success is a sure thing in bed.Success is yours if you continue on the path you have chosen in bed.Take steps now to ensure success in bed.The evening promises romantic interests in bed.The joys of leisure time will be yours in bed.The sky's the limit this month in bed.The social scene will be a lot more fun today in bed.The star of riches is shining on you in bed.The tide of change approaches in bed.The time is right to make new friends in bed.There is a tendency to carry activities too far in bed.There is new hope for projects you had almost given up on in bed.There will be a change in plans this weekend in bed.This is a month of opportunities, but you must stay alert in bed.To get what you want, you must commit yourself for some time in bed.Trust him, but still keep your eyes open in bed.Tuesdays & Thursdays stack odds in your favour in bed.
Welcome affectionate gestures from friends or lovers in bed.When the daffodils bloom, so will great joy in your life in bed.With renewed energy, accomplish what you can in bed.You and your loved ones will be happy in your life together in bed.You are a bundle of energy, always on the go in bed.You are a person of culture in bed.You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products in bed.You are heading for a land of sunshine and fun in bed.You are kind and trustworthy by nature in bed.You are next in line for promotion in bed.You are sensitively tuned-in to loved ones creative talents in bed.You deserve respect and will eventually get it in bed.You have all the assistance and luck this month to succeed in bed.You have artistic talent; do something creative in bed.You have got a way with words; maximize on it in bed.You shall attain great wisdom with the passing years in bed.You shall soon achieve perfection in bed.You shall soon gain the attention of those who count in bed.You shall soon make a long overdue personal decision in bed.You will be deeply loved in bed.You will be drawn to the glamour of the stage in bed.You will be fortunate in everything you put your hands to in bed.You will be showered with good luck in bed.You will be successful in any gathering in bed.You will be the centre of a special group's attention in bed.You will discover your hidden talents in bed.You will get comfort from a new relationship in bed.You will get the practical help you have been seeking in bed.You will give some thought to a different lifestyle in bed.You will have an enjoyable experience in bed.You will have good luck and overcome any hardships in bed.You will have many friends when you need them in bed.You will help someone in need in bed.You will make a profitable transaction next month in bed.You will obtain your goal if you maintain your course in bed.You will soon be honoured by someone you respect in bed.You will soon be very proud of someone close to you in bed.Your anxieties are beginning to clear in bed.Your belief in the goodness of mankind will be rewarded in bed.Your dearest wish will come true in bed.Your efforts will be well rewarded. Be patient in bed.Your future looks very promising in bed.Your future will be happy and productive in bed.Your home is a pleasant place from which you draw happiness in bed.Your honesty will be recognized in bed.Your kindness to others shall be returned to you threefold in bed.Your love of peace will affect the course of events in bed.Your luck will soon be at a high in bed.Your magnetic personality will draw people to you in bed.Your mastery of every situation will soon prove very important in bed.Your most difficult problems will soon be nothing in bed.Your partner will be proud of you in bed.Your path is difficult, but will be amply rewarded in bed.Your search for knowledge will lead you to high places in bed.Your self-restraint will pay dividends in bed.Your senior years will be happy & successful in bed.Your talents are in fine shape; utilize them to their fullest in bed.Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded in bed.Your talents will soon be recognized in bed.Your winsome smile will be your sure protection in bed.standard workweek."
Monday, March 26, 2007
hUMOR For March 26th
"Hamster Care"
After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they wouldtake care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do youthink that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"
After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The world was made round so that we would never be able to see too far down the road."- Isak Dinesen
+++++++++++++++++++
"Church Attendance" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Two men were fishing on a lake, feeling guilty that it was a Sunday morning, that they were not attending church, and the fish were not biting.
The first guy eventually says: "I should have stayed home and gone to church."
To which the other angler replied: "I couldn't have gone to church, anyhow. My wife is sick in bed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Not for Lunch
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch." "Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied. A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards. "We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested. I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order. My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know It's Time To Diet When....
1. You dance and it makes the band skip. 2. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. 3. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. 4. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. 5. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side." 6. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture. 7. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth. 8. You could sell shade. 9. Your blood type is Ragu. 10. You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
+++++++++++++++++++
Crocodile is longer
Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide. Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let's look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green. Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Let's look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide. From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.
+++++++++++++++++++
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited
island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned
the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to
protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then
one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut
in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.
The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and
anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried.
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was
approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was
here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers.
"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
When our local doctor began attending church services the minister was
delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their
work, the minister referring people to the doctor,
and vice versa.
One referral from the doctor called at the church office with a note
prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The minister was most pleased
until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.
+++++++++++++++++++
You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Beef Prices"
It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop which has a sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound"
The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like 5 pounds of yourground sirloin, please."
The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."
The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"
The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."
"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!"
The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"
"No. He's out of it right now."
"Well," says the butcher. "When I don't have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!"
After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they wouldtake care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do youthink that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"
After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The world was made round so that we would never be able to see too far down the road."- Isak Dinesen
+++++++++++++++++++
"Church Attendance" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Two men were fishing on a lake, feeling guilty that it was a Sunday morning, that they were not attending church, and the fish were not biting.
The first guy eventually says: "I should have stayed home and gone to church."
To which the other angler replied: "I couldn't have gone to church, anyhow. My wife is sick in bed."
+++++++++++++++++++
Not for Lunch
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch." "Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied. A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards. "We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested. I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order. My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know It's Time To Diet When....
1. You dance and it makes the band skip. 2. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live. 3. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin. 4. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts. 5. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side." 6. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture. 7. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth. 8. You could sell shade. 9. Your blood type is Ragu. 10. You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
+++++++++++++++++++
Crocodile is longer
Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide. Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let's look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green. Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Let's look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide. From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.
+++++++++++++++++++
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited
island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned
the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to
protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then
one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut
in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky.
The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and
anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried.
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was
approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was
here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers.
"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
When our local doctor began attending church services the minister was
delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their
work, the minister referring people to the doctor,
and vice versa.
One referral from the doctor called at the church office with a note
prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The minister was most pleased
until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.
+++++++++++++++++++
You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Beef Prices"
It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop which has a sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound"
The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like 5 pounds of yourground sirloin, please."
The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."
The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"
The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."
"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!"
The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"
"No. He's out of it right now."
"Well," says the butcher. "When I don't have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!"
Sunday, March 25, 2007
hUMOR For March 25th
”News Switch”
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better."
+++++++++++++++++++
Noise Abatement"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement.""Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?""Sir," the radar operator replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
+++++++++++++++++++
My doctor said I look like a million bucks. Green and wrinkled.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Dalmatian
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Signs That You Are Cheap
1. You attend a weekly coupon club. 2. You've been driving on the spare tire for over three months. 3. Fast food is your idea of fine dining. 4. You spend more time counting change during a single week than you spend at church. 5. You're outraged when the price of a can of soda goes up a nickel. 6. You haven't purchased a name brand product in the past ten years. 7. You take the pennies from the container next to the cash register. 8. Your family gets presents a week after Christmas because you love that fifty-percent discount. 9. Matinee. Every time. 10. You code all your own software rather than buy it.
+++++++++++++++++++
$1,000 Bet
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass." The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?" The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ok so my mom had just got engaged to some guy who had a son. His son lived
with his mom in another state and my mom said the son was in town and would
come to visit us tomorrow.
I had just gotten a new boyfriend. My mom was on her date and my boyfriend
and I were in my room making out. We had been making out for a really long
time when we saw car lights. We stopped, got up, went down stairs and
pretended to be watching TV.
My mom and her "soon to be husband" walked in. The first thing that he said
was, "Daniel, I thought you weren't coming until tomorrow."
It turns out I had been making out with my step brother. We promised never
to talk about it ever again.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day a group of people we were sitting and talking. A not so bright woman
was among the group and she even participated in the discussion. When she
came up with an unusually stupid comment, one of the friends couldn't take
it anymore. He said to her, "You must have vacuum in your head."
This upset her greatly. She looked at him for a couple of seconds and then
replied, "At least it's better than nothing."
+++++++++++++++++++
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a
bagpipe.
+++++++++++++++++++
THE ISLAMIC COWGIRL A cowgirl, who is visiting Minnesota from Iran, walks into a bar and orders three pitchers of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more pitchers. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Tehran, the other is in Bagdad. When I left our home in Iran, I promised to drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one pitcher of beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three pitchers and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two pitchers. All the regular customers take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine, "she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Islamic Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters though".
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better."
+++++++++++++++++++
Noise Abatement"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement.""Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?""Sir," the radar operator replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
+++++++++++++++++++
My doctor said I look like a million bucks. Green and wrinkled.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Dalmatian
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Signs That You Are Cheap
1. You attend a weekly coupon club. 2. You've been driving on the spare tire for over three months. 3. Fast food is your idea of fine dining. 4. You spend more time counting change during a single week than you spend at church. 5. You're outraged when the price of a can of soda goes up a nickel. 6. You haven't purchased a name brand product in the past ten years. 7. You take the pennies from the container next to the cash register. 8. Your family gets presents a week after Christmas because you love that fifty-percent discount. 9. Matinee. Every time. 10. You code all your own software rather than buy it.
+++++++++++++++++++
$1,000 Bet
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass." The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?" The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ok so my mom had just got engaged to some guy who had a son. His son lived
with his mom in another state and my mom said the son was in town and would
come to visit us tomorrow.
I had just gotten a new boyfriend. My mom was on her date and my boyfriend
and I were in my room making out. We had been making out for a really long
time when we saw car lights. We stopped, got up, went down stairs and
pretended to be watching TV.
My mom and her "soon to be husband" walked in. The first thing that he said
was, "Daniel, I thought you weren't coming until tomorrow."
It turns out I had been making out with my step brother. We promised never
to talk about it ever again.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day a group of people we were sitting and talking. A not so bright woman
was among the group and she even participated in the discussion. When she
came up with an unusually stupid comment, one of the friends couldn't take
it anymore. He said to her, "You must have vacuum in your head."
This upset her greatly. She looked at him for a couple of seconds and then
replied, "At least it's better than nothing."
+++++++++++++++++++
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a
bagpipe.
+++++++++++++++++++
THE ISLAMIC COWGIRL A cowgirl, who is visiting Minnesota from Iran, walks into a bar and orders three pitchers of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more pitchers. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Tehran, the other is in Bagdad. When I left our home in Iran, I promised to drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one pitcher of beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three pitchers and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two pitchers. All the regular customers take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine, "she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Islamic Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters though".
Saturday, March 24, 2007
hUMOR For March 24th
"We'll always have Wal-Mart."
"You had me at 'Sooooey!'"
"Houston, we have a 'possum."
"Are you CRYING? There's no crying in NASCAR!"
"Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to
pull her '68 Rambler into mine."
"Use the horse, Luke!"
"I ate his ribs... with some pinto beans and a shot o' Jack
Daniel's."
"Hokey opera and ancient museums are no match for a good
tractor pull, kid."
"I know what you're thinking... did he fire six shots or
only five? Well, heck if I know! You KNOW I can't count no
higher'n three since the chainsaw accident!"
"You want a tooth?! You can't HANDLE a tooth!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
I believe my young daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know why she
does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she sees
just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was asked to
read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She said, "All right, I can
see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Once at a dinner party, a guest and I got into a discussion of our
heritages. I mentioned that I was an English "Moore" as opposed to our
distant cousins, the Irish "Moores". He said that he had a mixed heritage.
Half Scotch, half soda.
+++++++++++++++++++
It always amazes me the progress scientists are making in cancer research.
Every day they discover something else that causes it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Play on the words
"Welcome to Entropy Burgers -- may I take your order?" "I put in disorder a long time ago. The service here is getting worse all the time." "My experience Gibbs me reason to believe you." "I know the waitress who asked that, too. Her name's Ellen Omega. She really made me thermally dynamic. So, I asked her out. I tell you, when she don't like you, she really Boltz, man. Women like that are never distributed normally among the population." "What kind of Poisson would say something like this?"
+++++++++++++++++++
More Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn
- The insurance was invalid for the invalid. - There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. - They were too close to the door to close it. - The buck does funny things when the does are present. - A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. - To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. - The wind was too strong to wind the sail. - After a number of injections my jaw got number. - Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. - I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. - How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Women Are About to be Executed.
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Father: How were the exam questions? Son: EasyFather: Then why look so unhappy?Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers! Where was the Magna Carta signed?At the bottom! What are you going to be when you get out of school?An old man! What did you learn in school today?Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow! I'm learning ancient history?So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!
+++++++++++++++++++
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob
is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in
Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore
drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She
then sent it to radio station 103.2-FM in Ft. Wayne,
Indiana, which was sponsoring a worst job experience
contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been
feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my
dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after
all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must
bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear
a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the
water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: we
have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000
piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats
it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the
diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a pretty good plan, and I've used it
several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to
the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it
down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with
warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well, until all of a sudden, my rear
end started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This
only made things worse.
Within a few seconds, it started to burn. I pulled the hose
out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I
realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped
it into my suit. When I scratched what I thought was an
itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into myself.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the
communicator. His instructions were unclear because he and
five other divers were all laughing hysterically. Needless
to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water decompression stops, totaling thirty-five
minutes, before I could reach the surface to begin my
chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface and climbed out of the water,
the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face,
handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it onto the
affected area as soon as I got into the chamber. The cream
put the fire out, but it took two days before I could sit
down again.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about
how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved
down your pants. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I
love my job, I love my job."
Now, whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: Is this a
jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
"You had me at 'Sooooey!'"
"Houston, we have a 'possum."
"Are you CRYING? There's no crying in NASCAR!"
"Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to
pull her '68 Rambler into mine."
"Use the horse, Luke!"
"I ate his ribs... with some pinto beans and a shot o' Jack
Daniel's."
"Hokey opera and ancient museums are no match for a good
tractor pull, kid."
"I know what you're thinking... did he fire six shots or
only five? Well, heck if I know! You KNOW I can't count no
higher'n three since the chainsaw accident!"
"You want a tooth?! You can't HANDLE a tooth!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
I believe my young daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know why she
does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she sees
just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was asked to
read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She said, "All right, I can
see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
Once at a dinner party, a guest and I got into a discussion of our
heritages. I mentioned that I was an English "Moore" as opposed to our
distant cousins, the Irish "Moores". He said that he had a mixed heritage.
Half Scotch, half soda.
+++++++++++++++++++
It always amazes me the progress scientists are making in cancer research.
Every day they discover something else that causes it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Play on the words
"Welcome to Entropy Burgers -- may I take your order?" "I put in disorder a long time ago. The service here is getting worse all the time." "My experience Gibbs me reason to believe you." "I know the waitress who asked that, too. Her name's Ellen Omega. She really made me thermally dynamic. So, I asked her out. I tell you, when she don't like you, she really Boltz, man. Women like that are never distributed normally among the population." "What kind of Poisson would say something like this?"
+++++++++++++++++++
More Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn
- The insurance was invalid for the invalid. - There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. - They were too close to the door to close it. - The buck does funny things when the does are present. - A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. - To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. - The wind was too strong to wind the sail. - After a number of injections my jaw got number. - Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. - I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. - How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
+++++++++++++++++++
Three Women Are About to be Executed.
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Father: How were the exam questions? Son: EasyFather: Then why look so unhappy?Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers! Where was the Magna Carta signed?At the bottom! What are you going to be when you get out of school?An old man! What did you learn in school today?Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow! I'm learning ancient history?So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!
+++++++++++++++++++
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob
is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in
Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore
drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She
then sent it to radio station 103.2-FM in Ft. Wayne,
Indiana, which was sponsoring a worst job experience
contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been
feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my
dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after
all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must
bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear
a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the
water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: we
have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000
piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats
it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the
diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a pretty good plan, and I've used it
several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to
the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it
down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with
warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well, until all of a sudden, my rear
end started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This
only made things worse.
Within a few seconds, it started to burn. I pulled the hose
out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I
realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped
it into my suit. When I scratched what I thought was an
itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into myself.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the
communicator. His instructions were unclear because he and
five other divers were all laughing hysterically. Needless
to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water decompression stops, totaling thirty-five
minutes, before I could reach the surface to begin my
chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface and climbed out of the water,
the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face,
handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it onto the
affected area as soon as I got into the chamber. The cream
put the fire out, but it took two days before I could sit
down again.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about
how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved
down your pants. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I
love my job, I love my job."
Now, whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: Is this a
jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
Friday, March 23, 2007
hUMOR For March 23rd
The Blonde Kidnapper
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a
child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy,
took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am
sorry to do this, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag
behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM." Signed, "The Blonde."
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.Inside the bag with the cash was the following note."Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do thisto another."
+++++++++++++++++++
55
Policeman: "When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, `fifty-five at least.'" Woman driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It's this hat that makes me look so old!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn
- The bandage was wound around the wound. - The farm was used to produce produce. - The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. - We must polish the Polish furniture. - He could lead if he would get the lead out. - The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. - Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. - A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. - When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. - I did not object to the object.
+++++++++++++++++++
Same answer for each
This simple three question test illustrates how often politicians must be telling lies. 1. Is the Pope catholic? 2. Does Windows have bugs?3. Do Politicians lie?
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What is the difference between an elephant and a flea?An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants! A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said, "You know you really need help""Yes I do", said the elephant, "get this kid off my foot!" What happened to the elephant who ran away with the circus?The police made him bring it back! Why are elephants wiser than chickens?Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant?! What do you call an elephant that can't do sums?Dumbo!
+++++++++++++++++++
Just a WarningAs he was driving home from work, a man in a rural community was stopped by a local police officer. The motorist, informed that he had failed to come to a full stop at a stop sign, was handed a ticket."Don't I get a warning?" he protested.The officer replied, "Sure. Here's your warning: If you don't come to a complete stop next time, I'll give you another ticket."
A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a
child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy,
took him behind a tree and wrote a note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am
sorry to do this, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag
behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM." Signed, "The Blonde."
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.Inside the bag with the cash was the following note."Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do thisto another."
+++++++++++++++++++
55
Policeman: "When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, `fifty-five at least.'" Woman driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It's this hat that makes me look so old!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn
- The bandage was wound around the wound. - The farm was used to produce produce. - The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. - We must polish the Polish furniture. - He could lead if he would get the lead out. - The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. - Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. - A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. - When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. - I did not object to the object.
+++++++++++++++++++
Same answer for each
This simple three question test illustrates how often politicians must be telling lies. 1. Is the Pope catholic? 2. Does Windows have bugs?3. Do Politicians lie?
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
What is the difference between an elephant and a flea?An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants! A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said, "You know you really need help""Yes I do", said the elephant, "get this kid off my foot!" What happened to the elephant who ran away with the circus?The police made him bring it back! Why are elephants wiser than chickens?Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant?! What do you call an elephant that can't do sums?Dumbo!
+++++++++++++++++++
Just a WarningAs he was driving home from work, a man in a rural community was stopped by a local police officer. The motorist, informed that he had failed to come to a full stop at a stop sign, was handed a ticket."Don't I get a warning?" he protested.The officer replied, "Sure. Here's your warning: If you don't come to a complete stop next time, I'll give you another ticket."
Thursday, March 22, 2007
hUMOR For March 22nd
A Modern MarriageI stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses."I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?""What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?""It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard drive!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bible Hunt"
One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in a desperate search when a friend came up and asked, "Is something wrong?"
"Yes," he said, "I can't remember if the Thanksgiving story is in the Old Testament or New Testament!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mystery" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags.He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?", he asked.
"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
+++++++++++++++++++
The way you say it
It's not what you say, but the way you say it. On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes." The girl was very flattered. What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife is missing
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bathroom Philosophers
Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems. Make love, not war. Heck, do both, get married! - Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books. New York, New York. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why shouldn't you take an elephant to the zoo? Because he'd rather go to the movies! What's blue and has big ears?An elephant at the North Pole! What's grey and lights up?An electric elephant! What's big and grey and protects you from the rain?An umbrellaphant! What do you do with a green elephant?Wait till it ripens!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Love Campaign"
The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.
He began what can only be called "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.
Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I've been having trouble concentrating lately - I think I have that attention deficit whatever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Gift"
"My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away."- Rodney Dangerfield
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bible Hunt"
One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in a desperate search when a friend came up and asked, "Is something wrong?"
"Yes," he said, "I can't remember if the Thanksgiving story is in the Old Testament or New Testament!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mystery" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags.He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?", he asked.
"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
+++++++++++++++++++
The way you say it
It's not what you say, but the way you say it. On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes." The girl was very flattered. What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife is missing
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bathroom Philosophers
Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems. Make love, not war. Heck, do both, get married! - Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books. New York, New York. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why shouldn't you take an elephant to the zoo? Because he'd rather go to the movies! What's blue and has big ears?An elephant at the North Pole! What's grey and lights up?An electric elephant! What's big and grey and protects you from the rain?An umbrellaphant! What do you do with a green elephant?Wait till it ripens!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Love Campaign"
The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.
He began what can only be called "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.
Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I've been having trouble concentrating lately - I think I have that attention deficit whatever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Gift"
"My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away."- Rodney Dangerfield
hUMOR For March 22nd
A Modern MarriageI stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses."I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?""What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?""It's even worse than that," he confided. "I broke my wife's hard drive!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bible Hunt"
One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in a desperate search when a friend came up and asked, "Is something wrong?"
"Yes," he said, "I can't remember if the Thanksgiving story is in the Old Testament or New Testament!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mystery" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags.He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?", he asked.
"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
+++++++++++++++++++
The way you say it
It's not what you say, but the way you say it. On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes." The girl was very flattered. What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife is missing
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bathroom Philosophers
Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems. Make love, not war. Heck, do both, get married! - Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books. New York, New York. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why shouldn't you take an elephant to the zoo? Because he'd rather go to the movies! What's blue and has big ears?An elephant at the North Pole! What's grey and lights up?An electric elephant! What's big and grey and protects you from the rain?An umbrellaphant! What do you do with a green elephant?Wait till it ripens!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Love Campaign"
The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.
He began what can only be called "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.
Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I've been having trouble concentrating lately - I think I have that attention deficit whatever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Gift"
"My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away."- Rodney Dangerfield
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bible Hunt"
One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in a desperate search when a friend came up and asked, "Is something wrong?"
"Yes," he said, "I can't remember if the Thanksgiving story is in the Old Testament or New Testament!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mystery" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags.He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?", he asked.
"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
+++++++++++++++++++
The way you say it
It's not what you say, but the way you say it. On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes." The girl was very flattered. What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife is missing
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bathroom Philosophers
Some ordinary folks become great philosophers when they are sitting alone in the bathroom stalls of the world contemplating life's problems. Here are a few gems. Make love, not war. Heck, do both, get married! - Women's restroom. Bozeman, Montana I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. - Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. - Written on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books. New York, New York. If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! - Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Why shouldn't you take an elephant to the zoo? Because he'd rather go to the movies! What's blue and has big ears?An elephant at the North Pole! What's grey and lights up?An electric elephant! What's big and grey and protects you from the rain?An umbrellaphant! What do you do with a green elephant?Wait till it ripens!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Love Campaign"
The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.
He began what can only be called "Campaigning" and sent her a small token of his affection every day for a month to her house.
Soon, the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I've been having trouble concentrating lately - I think I have that attention deficit whatever."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Gift"
"My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away."- Rodney Dangerfield
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
hUMOR For March 21st
Afternoon RoundsWhile working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I often take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a
great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard.
Immediately there was an 80-year-old man in the water who
rescued her.
The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The
captain was grateful as well as astonished that the
white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That
night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly
hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was
asked to say a few words.
He said, "First of all, I'd like to know who pushed me."
+++++++++++++++++++
I'm in personnel with the government in Washington, D.C., reviewing
applications for federal employment. The standard form includes the
question, "Why did you leave your previous employment?" One applicant, a
former U.S. Congressman, responded, "The express wish of 116,000 voters."
+++++++++++++++++++
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at
the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same
direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park
there?" look.
His responding gestures were very complicated. First he shook his head. Next
he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch
and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and
shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't
want the space.
"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known
that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for
my wife.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought,
which they avoid." - Soren Kierkegaard
+++++++++++++++++++
Zero to 200
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation," Dallas, Texas.
+++++++++++++++++++
Mother's Wedding Dress
A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding." The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony." "But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it." "Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."
+++++++++++++++++++
Did You Ever Wonder?
- If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? - Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? - If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? - If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? - When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change? - Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? - Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. - Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist? - Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? - Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? - Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? - If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn'tit follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off. Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shakingDo you drink a lot?Not really - I spill most of it! Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodwormHow boring for you! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridgeWhat's come over you?Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach. Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eelThat's shocking! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a pythonYou can't get round me just like that you know!
+++++++++++++++++++
Passengers aboard a luxurious cruise ship were having a
great time when a beautiful young woman fell overboard.
Immediately there was an 80-year-old man in the water who
rescued her.
The crew pulled them both out of the treacherous waters. The
captain was grateful as well as astonished that the
white-haired old man performed such an act of bravery. That
night a banquet was given in honor of the ship's elderly
hero. He was called forward to receive an award and was
asked to say a few words.
He said, "First of all, I'd like to know who pushed me."
+++++++++++++++++++
I'm in personnel with the government in Washington, D.C., reviewing
applications for federal employment. The standard form includes the
question, "Why did you leave your previous employment?" One applicant, a
former U.S. Congressman, responded, "The express wish of 116,000 voters."
+++++++++++++++++++
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at
the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same
direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park
there?" look.
His responding gestures were very complicated. First he shook his head. Next
he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch
and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and
shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't
want the space.
"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known
that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for
my wife.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought,
which they avoid." - Soren Kierkegaard
+++++++++++++++++++
Zero to 200
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale. Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation," Dallas, Texas.
+++++++++++++++++++
Mother's Wedding Dress
A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. "Mom," she says, "I just found out that my fiance's mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding." The bride's mother thinks for a minute. "Don't worry," she tells her daughter. "I'll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony." "But mother," says the bride, "that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It's such a waste not to use it." "Who said I won't use it?" her mother asked. "I'll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner."
+++++++++++++++++++
Did You Ever Wonder?
- If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? - Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? - If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? - If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? - When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change? - Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker? - Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. - Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist? - Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? - Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? - Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? - If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn'tit follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
+++++++++++++++++++
For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off. Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shakingDo you drink a lot?Not really - I spill most of it! Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a woodwormHow boring for you! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridgeWhat's come over you?Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach. Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eelThat's shocking! Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a pythonYou can't get round me just like that you know!
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