The other day, Shar and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error. To her credit, Shar finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right." "Fine." I said. She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong." I grinned and replied, "You're right."
+++++++++++++++++++
Canadian Tourism QuestionsPrepare for the 2010 Winter Olympics - ask a Dubm Canadian question, eh!
[As you know, Vancouver will host the 2010 Winter Olympics. Here are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. The answers are a joe-k, but the questions were really asked...]Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (U.S.A.)A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)A: Sure, it's only four thousand miles. Take lots of water.Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)A: So it's true what they say about Swedes!Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)A: Let's not touch this one.Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)A: What, did your last slave die?Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (U.S.A.)A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (U.S.A.)A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (U.S.A.)A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, right after the hippo races. Come naked.Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)A: No, WE don't stink.Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you sell it in Canada? (U.S.A.)A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)A: Yes, gay nightclubs.Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (U.S.A.)A: Only at Thanksgiving.Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (U.S.A. )A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with beaver juice before you go out walking. Make sure you take a hockey stick with you.Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (U.S.A.)A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
+++++++++++++++++++
Pilot’s Seeing Eye DogThings aren’t always as they appear…
A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, “Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”The blind lady replied, “No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.”Picture this - all the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog… the pilot was even wearing sunglasses.People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
+++++++++++++++++++
Coach Inspiring TeamworkSportsmanship from many sides of the field...
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”The little boy nodded in the affirmative.“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”The little boy nodded yes.“So,” the coach continued, “I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a dummy. Do you understand all that?”Again the little boy nodded.He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?”Again the little boy nodded.“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!”
+++++++++++++++++++
My nephew works at a copy shop that provides a variety of
computer services. Once, a customer brought in a snapshot he
had taken of the front of his house. "Would you scan this
picture onto a computer screen?" he asked my nephew.
"Then rotate it 180 degrees. I need a photo of the back of
my house."
+++++++++++++++++++
Why did the politician cross the road? To get to the middle.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Monday, March 19, 2007
hUMOR For March 19th
"Free Paper"
My dry cleaner very generously gives each customer a free copy of the daily newspaper. As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers."
"Oh, don't worry about us," he said. "Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fines" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
+++++++++++++++++++
A pastor thought that the reason he had no one coming to the altar week
after week was because his sermons were too short. The next week he decided
to preach for an hour and a half. Sure enough, 18 people came down the aisle
to the altar to lay down after the first hour of preaching.
He thought it was odd, though, that none of them got up after he was done.
+++++++++++++++++++
Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving
them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain
such a thought, I said,"If the Holy Spirit won't move you, the prune juice
will!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions. The
curtain was up." - Groucho Marx
+++++++++++++++++++
Clean those restrooms
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
+++++++++++++++++++
What's in the bag?
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.
+++++++++++++++++++
Three blonds on death row
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
How do I get across that river?
A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her."How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Blond medical terminology
Artery -- Study of paintingsBacteria -- Back door of cafeteriaBarium -- What doctors do when treatment failsBowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.UCaesarean section -- District in RomeCat scan -- Searching for kittyCauterize -- Made eye contact with herColic -- Sheep dogComa -- A punctuation markCongenital -- FriendlyD&C -- Where Washington isDiarrhea -- Journal of daily eventsDilate -- To live longEnema -- Not a friendFester -- QuickerFibula -- A small lieG.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball gameGrippe -- SuitcaseHangnail -- CoathookImpotent -- Distinguished, well knownIntense pain -- Torture in a teepeeLabor pain -- Got hurt at workMedical staff -- Doctor's caneMorbid -- Higher offerNitrate -- Cheaper than day rateNode -- Was aware ofOutpatient -- Person who had faintedPelvis -- Cousin of ElvisPost operative -- Letter carrierProtein -- Favoring young peopleRectum -- It almost killed himRecovery room -- Place to do upholsteryRheumatic -- AmorousScar -- Rolled tobacco leafSecretion -- Hiding anythingSeizure -- Roman emperorSerology -- Study of knighthoodTablet -- Small tableTerminal illness -- Sickness at airportTibia -- Country in North AfricaTumor -- An extra pairUrine -- Opposite of you're outVaricose -- Located nearbyVein – Conceited
+++++++++++++++++++
Helping an overweight blonde
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
My dry cleaner very generously gives each customer a free copy of the daily newspaper. As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers."
"Oh, don't worry about us," he said. "Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fines" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
+++++++++++++++++++
A pastor thought that the reason he had no one coming to the altar week
after week was because his sermons were too short. The next week he decided
to preach for an hour and a half. Sure enough, 18 people came down the aisle
to the altar to lay down after the first hour of preaching.
He thought it was odd, though, that none of them got up after he was done.
+++++++++++++++++++
Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving
them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain
such a thought, I said,"If the Holy Spirit won't move you, the prune juice
will!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions. The
curtain was up." - Groucho Marx
+++++++++++++++++++
Clean those restrooms
On her way home from a long trip, a blonde drove past a sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
+++++++++++++++++++
What's in the bag?
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde robbed a supermarket. As they were stealing, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.
+++++++++++++++++++
Three blonds on death row
Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
How do I get across that river?
A dumb blonde is walking along, lost, and encounters a deep and wide river. She looks up and down the river for a way across but is unsuccessful in finding one. Yet, when looking to the other side again, she happened to see another blonde on the opposite river bank. She tried calling to her."How can I get to the other side of the river?" she shouts loudly.The other blonde replied "What for? You are already on the other side of the river!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Blond medical terminology
Artery -- Study of paintingsBacteria -- Back door of cafeteriaBarium -- What doctors do when treatment failsBowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.UCaesarean section -- District in RomeCat scan -- Searching for kittyCauterize -- Made eye contact with herColic -- Sheep dogComa -- A punctuation markCongenital -- FriendlyD&C -- Where Washington isDiarrhea -- Journal of daily eventsDilate -- To live longEnema -- Not a friendFester -- QuickerFibula -- A small lieG.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball gameGrippe -- SuitcaseHangnail -- CoathookImpotent -- Distinguished, well knownIntense pain -- Torture in a teepeeLabor pain -- Got hurt at workMedical staff -- Doctor's caneMorbid -- Higher offerNitrate -- Cheaper than day rateNode -- Was aware ofOutpatient -- Person who had faintedPelvis -- Cousin of ElvisPost operative -- Letter carrierProtein -- Favoring young peopleRectum -- It almost killed himRecovery room -- Place to do upholsteryRheumatic -- AmorousScar -- Rolled tobacco leafSecretion -- Hiding anythingSeizure -- Roman emperorSerology -- Study of knighthoodTablet -- Small tableTerminal illness -- Sickness at airportTibia -- Country in North AfricaTumor -- An extra pairUrine -- Opposite of you're outVaricose -- Located nearbyVein – Conceited
+++++++++++++++++++
Helping an overweight blonde
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
Sunday, March 18, 2007
hUMOR For March 18th
Yesterday my son came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The
good news is I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test."
I said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?"
He said, "They were pedestrians."
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know When You're From Florida When
You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
You have more than 300 'C' and 'D' batteries in your kitchen drawer.
Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti O's.
You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering
your windows.
When describing your gutted house to a prospective buyer, you say it has
three bedrooms, two baths and an open air feel to it.
Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
The road leading to your house has been declared a No Wake Zone.
You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.
You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take a
gallon of gas to get there and back"
Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble
a portable generator by candlelight.
You catch a 13-pound red fish... in your house.
You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.
At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest
chainsaw.
You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the
Weather Channel.
Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree
worker.
A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.
Your child's first words are "hunker down."
Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.
You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.
+++++++++++++++++++
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." - Jacques Chirac,
President of France
+++++++++++++++++++
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Approaching eighty-five years of age, an elderly woman finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami.
She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.
"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."
"Sonny," interrupted the woman, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."
+++++++++++++++++++
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Include a note that says, "Now, you have everything."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.
Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."
good news is I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test."
I said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?"
He said, "They were pedestrians."
+++++++++++++++++++
You Know When You're From Florida When
You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.
You have more than 300 'C' and 'D' batteries in your kitchen drawer.
Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti O's.
You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering
your windows.
When describing your gutted house to a prospective buyer, you say it has
three bedrooms, two baths and an open air feel to it.
Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.
You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.
You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.
The road leading to your house has been declared a No Wake Zone.
You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.
You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take a
gallon of gas to get there and back"
Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble
a portable generator by candlelight.
You catch a 13-pound red fish... in your house.
You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.
At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest
chainsaw.
You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the
Weather Channel.
Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.
Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.
Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.
You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree
worker.
A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.
You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.
Your child's first words are "hunker down."
Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.
You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.
+++++++++++++++++++
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." - Jacques Chirac,
President of France
+++++++++++++++++++
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Approaching eighty-five years of age, an elderly woman finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami.
She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.
"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."
"Sonny," interrupted the woman, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."
+++++++++++++++++++
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Include a note that says, "Now, you have everything."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let them know that he would not be leaving with them.
Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: "I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."
Saturday, March 17, 2007
hUMOR For March 17th
"M" is for.....Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things. What am I?"A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Vet Bills"
While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their cats.
"What's your cat's name?" asked the first woman.
"Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Wedding Ring"
"A wedding ring is like a tourniquet -- it cuts off your circulation!"
+++++++++++++++++++
”Shopping Time”
Throughout our month long tour of Europe, my wife's only complaint was that there was never enough time for shopping. Nearing the end of our trip, we stopped for lunch at a pub in a small town near London. We wrote postcards and my wife volunteered to take them to the nearest postbox while I made a long-distance phone call. The British long distance system defeated me until I was helped by an attractive girl who was standing at the bar.
Completing my call, I saw her with a suitcase standing at a bus stop. I found out she was going close to our destination so I offered her a lift and suggested she get in the back seat of the car.
There was still no sign of my wife, so I went to look for her. Ten minutes later, I found her in a store. She was bulging with parcels. Giving me a big grin, she said, "That'll teach you to leave me alone for a few minutes."
It was my turn to grin as I said, "Wait until you see what's in the back seat of the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
Time isn't on my side. It's on my back.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Vet Bills"
While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their cats.
"What's your cat's name?" asked the first woman.
"Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Wedding Ring"
"A wedding ring is like a tourniquet -- it cuts off your circulation!"
+++++++++++++++++++
”Shopping Time”
Throughout our month long tour of Europe, my wife's only complaint was that there was never enough time for shopping. Nearing the end of our trip, we stopped for lunch at a pub in a small town near London. We wrote postcards and my wife volunteered to take them to the nearest postbox while I made a long-distance phone call. The British long distance system defeated me until I was helped by an attractive girl who was standing at the bar.
Completing my call, I saw her with a suitcase standing at a bus stop. I found out she was going close to our destination so I offered her a lift and suggested she get in the back seat of the car.
There was still no sign of my wife, so I went to look for her. Ten minutes later, I found her in a store. She was bulging with parcels. Giving me a big grin, she said, "That'll teach you to leave me alone for a few minutes."
It was my turn to grin as I said, "Wait until you see what's in the back seat of the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
Time isn't on my side. It's on my back.
Friday, March 16, 2007
hUMOR FOR March 16th
Golf PartnersA fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Tom O'Brien in the games anymore.The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?""Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife."Well," says the husband, "Neither would Tom O'Brien."
++++++++++++++++++
"Ice Capades"
A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned.
At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want to be when I grow up!"
The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades.
She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued, "I want to be a Zamboni driver!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Wet Letters"
I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet...
he said "postage dew".
+++++++++++++++++++
Firearm StatsU.S. Gun Control Plan from the Australian Shooter Magazine...
“If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.The firearm death rate in Washington DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S., than you are in Iraq.Conclusion? The U.S. should pull out of Washington.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Golfer’s Helping Hand-icapDistraction therapy can work wonders for your golf game!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me.”“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.He was in obvious agony, lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked, “How does that feel?”He replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts!”
+++++++++++++++++++
At the end of the college year, a star football player
celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late
night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became
captivated by a beautiful young thing and eased into a
conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
parties.
"Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong
academic types than to dumb party animals," she said.
"What's your G.P.A.?"
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27
in the city and 38 on the highway."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Fishing Mirror”
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
+++++++++++++++++++
At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an
F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into
the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels. A guide at the
top of the ramp points out the various controls and
gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's
capabilities to each visitor who gets in.
When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all
he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Could I have a
quarter?"
+++++++++++++++++++
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went
inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the
previews were already being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat
down, put the popcorn in my girlfriend's lap and gave her knee an
affectionate squeeze.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "Pssst! John! I'm back here."
+++++++++++++++++++
"France and Germany warned Iran this week not to pursue their nuclear
research program. In fact, France and Germany warned Iran that if they
didn't stop their program they would, you know, warn them again." - Jay Leno
++++++++++++++++++
"Ice Capades"
A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned.
At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want to be when I grow up!"
The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades.
She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued, "I want to be a Zamboni driver!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Wet Letters"
I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet...
he said "postage dew".
+++++++++++++++++++
Firearm StatsU.S. Gun Control Plan from the Australian Shooter Magazine...
“If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.The firearm death rate in Washington DC is 80.6 per 100,000 for the same period. That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the U.S., than you are in Iraq.Conclusion? The U.S. should pull out of Washington.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Golfer’s Helping Hand-icapDistraction therapy can work wonders for your golf game!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me.”“Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.He was in obvious agony, lying in a fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked, “How does that feel?”He replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts!”
+++++++++++++++++++
At the end of the college year, a star football player
celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late
night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became
captivated by a beautiful young thing and eased into a
conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at
parties.
"Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong
academic types than to dumb party animals," she said.
"What's your G.P.A.?"
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27
in the city and 38 on the highway."
+++++++++++++++++++
”Fishing Mirror”
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
+++++++++++++++++++
At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an
F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into
the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels. A guide at the
top of the ramp points out the various controls and
gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's
capabilities to each visitor who gets in.
When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all
he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Could I have a
quarter?"
+++++++++++++++++++
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went
inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the
previews were already being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat
down, put the popcorn in my girlfriend's lap and gave her knee an
affectionate squeeze.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "Pssst! John! I'm back here."
+++++++++++++++++++
"France and Germany warned Iran this week not to pursue their nuclear
research program. In fact, France and Germany warned Iran that if they
didn't stop their program they would, you know, warn them again." - Jay Leno
Thursday, March 15, 2007
hUMOR For March 15th
"Movie Impatience"
We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Always keep several get well cards on the mantle - if unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Returned Glasses"
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rules for Flori-DUH Driving
1. Never, EVER slow down when a light turns yellow. If
you're within half a block of a stop light when it turns
yellow, put the pedal to the metal.
2. When attempting to enter a street from any parking lot,
make sure that at least the front third of your car is
sticking out into the nearest lane.
3. When it starts raining, completely lose your ability to
drive and act as if you've never done it before.
4. Using your turn signals is absolutely prohibited, except
in limited circumstances, such as when you're five feet from
the corner. NEVER use your signal when you're making a right
turn and someone is waiting to pull out into YOUR lane.
5. A red light is not TRULY red until five seconds after the
yellow light goes out.
Taken from "Cool but useless stuff" on the back of the FBA
Youth's bulletin "Powerline."
+++++++++++++++++++
THE PREACHER HEARD the sound of someone clipping their nails during the course of his sermon...
The sound was disruptive to both preacher as well as congregation, so the preacher scanned the assembly in an effort to find the "guilty party." Suddenly, the preacher discovered the culprit. It was the song leader, but he wasn't clipping his fingernails, but his toenails!
Before you laugh, let me ask a hard question. Is it any less disruptive, any less disrespectful, when we busy ourselves by playing with babies, talking, flipping through the song book, etc. during the time when God is speaking to us through His Word through the preacher (1 Cor. 2:1-5)?
THOUGHT: Christian, when the Word of God is being taught, are you listening?
KneEmail: "He who has ears to hear, let him hear" (Matt. 13:9).
Bible reading for 03.07.07: Deuteronomy 17 - 20
+++++++++++++++++++
One golfer says to the other, "Well, you're certainly coming up in the
world, playing golf with not one, but two caddies!"
"Oh, it was my wife's idea."
"Your wife's?"
"Yeah. She thought I should spend more time with the kids."
+++++++++++++++++++
We took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered
with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a
table. When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster
of Superman standing in a phone booth.
She looked puzzled. "She doesn't know who Superman is?" I whispered to my
husband.
"Worse," he replied. "She doesn't know what a phone booth is."
+++++++++++++++++++
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
+++++++++++++++++++
Minnesodans Are you aware that Jeff Foxworthy is now picking on Minnesoda? Read on. (pretty funny and accurate) Part 1
1. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
you might live in Minnesoda.
2. If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation,
you might live in Minnesoda.
3. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from October through April,
you might live in Minnesoda.
4. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year,
you might live in Minnesoda.
5. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there,
you might live in Minnesoda.
6. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead,
you might live in Minnesoda.
7. If you have ever worn shorts and a heavy parka at the same time,
you might live in Minnesoda.
8. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
you might live in Minnesoda.
9. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number,
you might live in Minnesoda.
Part 2
You know you're a true MINNESODAN when . . 1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-35. 2. You measure distance in hours. 3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once. 4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. 5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. 6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings). 7. You install security alarms on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. 8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them. 9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 11. You know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. 12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent. 13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce. 14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age. 15. Down South to you means Ohio. 16. A brat is something you eat. 17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn. 18. You go out to a fish fry every Friday. 19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost. 20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly." 22. You drink pop and bake with soda. 23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine. 24. You can actually drink Vernors without coughing. 25. You know what a the Northwest Notch is. 26. You think owning a Honda is Un-American. 27. You know that Ufdah is an friendly expression, not an obscenity. 28. You know Hugo is a town, not some illegal Mexican packing plant worker. 29. You understand that when visiting Austin, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest. 30. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Minnesoda friends.
We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Always keep several get well cards on the mantle - if unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Returned Glasses"
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."
+++++++++++++++++++
Rules for Flori-DUH Driving
1. Never, EVER slow down when a light turns yellow. If
you're within half a block of a stop light when it turns
yellow, put the pedal to the metal.
2. When attempting to enter a street from any parking lot,
make sure that at least the front third of your car is
sticking out into the nearest lane.
3. When it starts raining, completely lose your ability to
drive and act as if you've never done it before.
4. Using your turn signals is absolutely prohibited, except
in limited circumstances, such as when you're five feet from
the corner. NEVER use your signal when you're making a right
turn and someone is waiting to pull out into YOUR lane.
5. A red light is not TRULY red until five seconds after the
yellow light goes out.
Taken from "Cool but useless stuff" on the back of the FBA
Youth's bulletin "Powerline."
+++++++++++++++++++
THE PREACHER HEARD the sound of someone clipping their nails during the course of his sermon...
The sound was disruptive to both preacher as well as congregation, so the preacher scanned the assembly in an effort to find the "guilty party." Suddenly, the preacher discovered the culprit. It was the song leader, but he wasn't clipping his fingernails, but his toenails!
Before you laugh, let me ask a hard question. Is it any less disruptive, any less disrespectful, when we busy ourselves by playing with babies, talking, flipping through the song book, etc. during the time when God is speaking to us through His Word through the preacher (1 Cor. 2:1-5)?
THOUGHT: Christian, when the Word of God is being taught, are you listening?
KneEmail: "He who has ears to hear, let him hear" (Matt. 13:9).
Bible reading for 03.07.07: Deuteronomy 17 - 20
+++++++++++++++++++
One golfer says to the other, "Well, you're certainly coming up in the
world, playing golf with not one, but two caddies!"
"Oh, it was my wife's idea."
"Your wife's?"
"Yeah. She thought I should spend more time with the kids."
+++++++++++++++++++
We took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered
with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a
table. When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster
of Superman standing in a phone booth.
She looked puzzled. "She doesn't know who Superman is?" I whispered to my
husband.
"Worse," he replied. "She doesn't know what a phone booth is."
+++++++++++++++++++
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
+++++++++++++++++++
Minnesodans Are you aware that Jeff Foxworthy is now picking on Minnesoda? Read on. (pretty funny and accurate) Part 1
1. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
you might live in Minnesoda.
2. If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation,
you might live in Minnesoda.
3. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from October through April,
you might live in Minnesoda.
4. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months out of the year,
you might live in Minnesoda.
5. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there,
you might live in Minnesoda.
6. If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead,
you might live in Minnesoda.
7. If you have ever worn shorts and a heavy parka at the same time,
you might live in Minnesoda.
8. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
you might live in Minnesoda.
9. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number,
you might live in Minnesoda.
Part 2
You know you're a true MINNESODAN when . . 1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-35. 2. You measure distance in hours. 3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once. 4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. 5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. 6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings). 7. You install security alarms on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. 8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them. 9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 11. You know all 4 seasons: Almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. 12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent. 13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce. 14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age. 15. Down South to you means Ohio. 16. A brat is something you eat. 17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn. 18. You go out to a fish fry every Friday. 19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost. 20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly." 22. You drink pop and bake with soda. 23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine. 24. You can actually drink Vernors without coughing. 25. You know what a the Northwest Notch is. 26. You think owning a Honda is Un-American. 27. You know that Ufdah is an friendly expression, not an obscenity. 28. You know Hugo is a town, not some illegal Mexican packing plant worker. 29. You understand that when visiting Austin, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest. 30. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Minnesoda friends.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
hUMOR For March 13th
A hot-headed golfer with a penchant for breaking clubs was
playing one day when he came to the 16th hole, where he
faced an approach shot across a ravine.
He said to his caddie, "What kind of distance do we have,
son?"
The caddie replied, "About 135, sir."
"My 6 iron, please," said the hothead.
His caddie replied, "It's going to have to be either a 3
iron or 3 wood, sir. That's all that's left in the bag!"
Received from Colorado Comments.
+++++++++++++++++++
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one
behind me." - General George S. Patton
+++++++++++++++++++
Innocence Is PricelessChurch memorial for those in the service…
One Sunday morning, the Pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the Church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.”“Good morning Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?”The Pastor said, “Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, “Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?”
+++++++++++++++++++
Comprehending AccountantsFind out what accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't…
Comprehending Accountants - Take One
Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”The second accountant replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when abeautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'”The first accountant nodded approvingly, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't fit.”
Comprehending Accountants - Take Two
An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.The accountant said, “I like both.”“Both?”The accountant replied “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.”
Comprehending Accountants - Take Three
To the optimist, the glass is half full.To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Comprehending Accountants - Take Four
An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?”The accountant said, “Look I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.”
Comprehending Accountants - Take Five
A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of Divisional Manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?”The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “twenty-two.”The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001.The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, “How much is two and two?”The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “How much do you want it to be?”He got the job...
+++++++++++++++++++
Fairy TalesA little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise...'"
playing one day when he came to the 16th hole, where he
faced an approach shot across a ravine.
He said to his caddie, "What kind of distance do we have,
son?"
The caddie replied, "About 135, sir."
"My 6 iron, please," said the hothead.
His caddie replied, "It's going to have to be either a 3
iron or 3 wood, sir. That's all that's left in the bag!"
Received from Colorado Comments.
+++++++++++++++++++
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one
behind me." - General George S. Patton
+++++++++++++++++++
Innocence Is PricelessChurch memorial for those in the service…
One Sunday morning, the Pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the Church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.”“Good morning Pastor,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor, what is this?”The Pastor said, “Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, “Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?”
+++++++++++++++++++
Comprehending AccountantsFind out what accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't…
Comprehending Accountants - Take One
Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”The second accountant replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when abeautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'”The first accountant nodded approvingly, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't fit.”
Comprehending Accountants - Take Two
An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.The accountant said, “I like both.”“Both?”The accountant replied “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.”
Comprehending Accountants - Take Three
To the optimist, the glass is half full.To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Comprehending Accountants - Take Four
An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?”The accountant said, “Look I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.”
Comprehending Accountants - Take Five
A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of Divisional Manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?”The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “twenty-two.”The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001.The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four.The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, “How much is two and two?”The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “How much do you want it to be?”He got the job...
+++++++++++++++++++
Fairy TalesA little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?"He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If elected I promise...'"
Monday, March 12, 2007
hUMOR For March 12th
A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very frustrated and he began
his sermon, "Everyone in this parish is going to hell if they don't change
their ways."
One man in the back began to laugh.
So the pastor said it again louder.
The man continued to laugh.
The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing.
He answered, "Because I don't belong to this parish!
+++++++++++++++++++
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his
church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed
that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Whoever said, 'Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting,' obviously never
licked one." - The Covert Comic
+++++++++++++++++++
"Golf Lesson"
This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they went. The first hole was a par 3, 179 yards, and very pretty. The husband stepped up first and said, "Now watch me, and do the same thing." He hit a beautiful shot and landed on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.
The wife stepped up, drilled her ball, causing it to hook, ricochet off a tree, bounce off a rock and roll up onto the green - dropping into the cup.
The husband looked at this, and said, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."
his sermon, "Everyone in this parish is going to hell if they don't change
their ways."
One man in the back began to laugh.
So the pastor said it again louder.
The man continued to laugh.
The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing.
He answered, "Because I don't belong to this parish!
+++++++++++++++++++
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his
church and after two weeks took them out. I asked him why and he confessed
that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Whoever said, 'Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting,' obviously never
licked one." - The Covert Comic
+++++++++++++++++++
"Golf Lesson"
This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they went. The first hole was a par 3, 179 yards, and very pretty. The husband stepped up first and said, "Now watch me, and do the same thing." He hit a beautiful shot and landed on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.
The wife stepped up, drilled her ball, causing it to hook, ricochet off a tree, bounce off a rock and roll up onto the green - dropping into the cup.
The husband looked at this, and said, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."
Sunday, March 11, 2007
hUMOR For March 11th
REAL NEWSPAPER ADS FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES... Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat .... been out a while. Better be a reward. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby. GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents lb. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie. AND THE BEST ONE: FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.
+++++++++++++++++++
Name the StatesThe old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13"....
+++++++++++++++++++
”Did God Make You?”
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Record Store"
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Paid For"
My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.
We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."
+++++++++++++++++++
There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood
A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away
from the parent.
Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum
lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the
distance the friend lives from your house.
A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely
proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.
The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly
proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless
it is the only food in the fridge.
The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases
with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
+++++++++++++++++++
Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher
it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell a soul about
it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way
Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."
+++++++++++++++++++
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
+++++++++++++++++++
Name the StatesThe old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13"....
+++++++++++++++++++
”Did God Make You?”
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up.
"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Record Store"
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Paid For"
My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.
We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."
+++++++++++++++++++
There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood
A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away
from the parent.
Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum
lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the
distance the friend lives from your house.
A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely
proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.
The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly
proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless
it is the only food in the fridge.
The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases
with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
+++++++++++++++++++
Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher
it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell a soul about
it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way
Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."
+++++++++++++++++++
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
hUMOR For March 10th
Diagnosis"
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life."- William A. Ward
+++++++++++++++++++
"New Life" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
An irate subscriber stormed into a newspaper office waving the current edition, asking to see "whoever wrote the obituary column".
When referred to a young reporter, he stormed, "You can see I'm very much alive, and you've put me in the obituary column! I demand a retraction!"
Replied the reporter, "I never retract a story. But I tell you what I'll do. I'll put you in the birth column and give you a fresh start."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about his dreams.
"Every night," the man said, "I dream that these three
hideous monsters are sitting on the edge of my bed, ready to
attack me."
"Hmmm," said the doctor. "I feel sure I can cure you of this
problem. But the treatment will cost you somewhere between
twenty-five and thirty thousand dollars."
"Thirty thousand dollars!" the man gasped. "Never mind
getting rid of the monsters, Doctor. I think I'll go home
and try to make friends with them!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Getting ForgetfulThe man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him."Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient."You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Barbecue Is Ready
by Robert Byron
I had decided that I needed a barbecue in my backyard to end my having to
buy a new charcoal grill every year. A friend of mine volunteered to build
it for me and soon I had a fine brick barbecue complete with a chimney. It
was a wonderful magnificent masterpiece of architectural perfection. I
cooked at least a side of beef not to mention the four tons of hamburgers
and one or two tons of hot dogs on it that summer. Once winter arrived I
found that the barbecue was an ideal place to burn trash and various other
items such as sticks and limbs that found their way into my yard. Yes, I had
found a way to keep my backyard furnace running year round.
One of my neighbors took an immediate liking to my barbecue. In fact, he
liked it so much that he had my friend build one for him and although it was
identical to mine, I truly believe that he was more proud of his than I was
of mine. Never have eyes seen nor ears heard the amounts of meat that
sizzled on his barbecue that summer. It was an absolutely amazing sight to
behold.
Cold weather set in and I could see my neighbor piling leaves into his
barbecue as I stood at my kitchen window. He tried fruitlessly to get the
leaves to burn but even his best attempts could only get them to smolder. It
was then that I saw him carry his gas can over to his barbecue and begin to
pour gas on the leaves. He stood back several feet, lit a wooden kitchen
match and lobbed it onto the leaves.
The sound of the explosion was deafening and the force of the blast knocked
my neighbor off his feet. Fire shot fifty feet through the chimney and
caught his oak tree on fire shortly before his new barbecue crumbled into a
pile of broken brick and smoldering leaves. I ran outside and could already
hear the sirens of the fire trucks as I approached my neighbor to see if he
had been injured. Finding out that he was unharmed I took a few steps back
before I asked, "So, whatcha cookin'?"
+++++++++++++++++++
I'm nobody's fool, but am available for adoption.
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life."- William A. Ward
+++++++++++++++++++
"New Life" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
An irate subscriber stormed into a newspaper office waving the current edition, asking to see "whoever wrote the obituary column".
When referred to a young reporter, he stormed, "You can see I'm very much alive, and you've put me in the obituary column! I demand a retraction!"
Replied the reporter, "I never retract a story. But I tell you what I'll do. I'll put you in the birth column and give you a fresh start."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about his dreams.
"Every night," the man said, "I dream that these three
hideous monsters are sitting on the edge of my bed, ready to
attack me."
"Hmmm," said the doctor. "I feel sure I can cure you of this
problem. But the treatment will cost you somewhere between
twenty-five and thirty thousand dollars."
"Thirty thousand dollars!" the man gasped. "Never mind
getting rid of the monsters, Doctor. I think I'll go home
and try to make friends with them!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Getting ForgetfulThe man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him."Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient."You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Barbecue Is Ready
by Robert Byron
I had decided that I needed a barbecue in my backyard to end my having to
buy a new charcoal grill every year. A friend of mine volunteered to build
it for me and soon I had a fine brick barbecue complete with a chimney. It
was a wonderful magnificent masterpiece of architectural perfection. I
cooked at least a side of beef not to mention the four tons of hamburgers
and one or two tons of hot dogs on it that summer. Once winter arrived I
found that the barbecue was an ideal place to burn trash and various other
items such as sticks and limbs that found their way into my yard. Yes, I had
found a way to keep my backyard furnace running year round.
One of my neighbors took an immediate liking to my barbecue. In fact, he
liked it so much that he had my friend build one for him and although it was
identical to mine, I truly believe that he was more proud of his than I was
of mine. Never have eyes seen nor ears heard the amounts of meat that
sizzled on his barbecue that summer. It was an absolutely amazing sight to
behold.
Cold weather set in and I could see my neighbor piling leaves into his
barbecue as I stood at my kitchen window. He tried fruitlessly to get the
leaves to burn but even his best attempts could only get them to smolder. It
was then that I saw him carry his gas can over to his barbecue and begin to
pour gas on the leaves. He stood back several feet, lit a wooden kitchen
match and lobbed it onto the leaves.
The sound of the explosion was deafening and the force of the blast knocked
my neighbor off his feet. Fire shot fifty feet through the chimney and
caught his oak tree on fire shortly before his new barbecue crumbled into a
pile of broken brick and smoldering leaves. I ran outside and could already
hear the sirens of the fire trucks as I approached my neighbor to see if he
had been injured. Finding out that he was unharmed I took a few steps back
before I asked, "So, whatcha cookin'?"
+++++++++++++++++++
I'm nobody's fool, but am available for adoption.
Friday, March 09, 2007
hUMOR For March 9th
Dear Bank Manager,l am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways.You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes.First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation ( income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:1. To make an appointment to see me.2. To query a missing repayment.3. To make a general complaint or inquiry.4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received.5. To transfer the call to my bed room case I am still sleeping. Extension of bed room to be communicated at the time the call is received.6. To transfer the call to my bath room in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:Oh, the banks are made of marbleWith a guard at every doorAnd the vaults are filled with silverThat the miners sweated forAfter twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart.On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored chek, will be passed back to you.My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.Your humble client.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Heating Nuts”
I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at an engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.
As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.
+++++++++++++++++++
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his
outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba's
neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were
forbidden from eating red meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was
causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they
finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become
a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.
The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were
born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are
Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night
arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled
the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the
neighbors.
As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary
and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in
amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water,
which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while
chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but
now you are a catfish."
+++++++++++++++++++
After a long day of being called upon to visit an endless series of horses
and cows with sore legs, I finally returned to the animal clinic.
Although exhausted, when I discovered I had a slow leak in one of my truck
tires, I drove over to get it fixed at the service station.
The mechanic knew immediately he was dealing with a tired veterinarian after
I carefully explained to him that my truck seemed to be lame in the right
hind tire.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the
bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.
The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of
broken ribs."
One of his friends ask, "How'd that happen?"
The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it
was me coming home drunk."
+++++++++++++++++++
It's okay to have nothing to say unless you're talking.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Heating Nuts”
I was working in a scrap yard in Southern England during summer vacation at an engineering university. I used to work repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together. One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch.
As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along. He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.
+++++++++++++++++++
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his
outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba's
neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were
forbidden from eating red meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was
causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they
finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become
a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.
The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were
born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are
Catholic."
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night
arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled
the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the
neighbors.
As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary
and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in
amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water,
which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while
chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but
now you are a catfish."
+++++++++++++++++++
After a long day of being called upon to visit an endless series of horses
and cows with sore legs, I finally returned to the animal clinic.
Although exhausted, when I discovered I had a slow leak in one of my truck
tires, I drove over to get it fixed at the service station.
The mechanic knew immediately he was dealing with a tired veterinarian after
I carefully explained to him that my truck seemed to be lame in the right
hind tire.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the
bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.
The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of
broken ribs."
One of his friends ask, "How'd that happen?"
The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it
was me coming home drunk."
+++++++++++++++++++
It's okay to have nothing to say unless you're talking.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
hUMOR For March 8th
When a mother returned from the grocery store, her small son
pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, and
then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the
kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the
boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Game Warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his hunting license. "This is last year's license," the warden informed him. "I know," said the hunter, "but I shouldn't need a new license, I am only shooting at the deer I missed last year."
+++++++++++++++++++
Handy Around The House
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Nancy)
Guide to Being Handy Around the House 1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver. 2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help. 3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone. 4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. 5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old. 6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it. 7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it. 8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and sharing sometimes DOES help. 9. If something look level, it is level. 10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
+++++++++++++++++++
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Some engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in a certain area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire. After a long pause, he grunted and said, "That's good. I couldn't take another one of these Maine winters."
+++++++++++++++++++
My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two actors who haven't seen each other in several weeks run in to each other on the street. 1st Actor: Haven't seen you in a while, how's everything going? 2nd Actor: Pretty good. Two weeks ago I got a call from a lawyer in Florida. It seems I had an aunt that I never knew about that died and left me $2,000,000. #1: That's great! #2: Yeah. And then last week I hit the lottery and won $7,000,000. #1: That's wonderful! #2: Yeah, but this week, nothing!
+++++++++++++++++++
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual. I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him. He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more. "Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?" "Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"
+++++++++++++++++++
I work as an Design Engineer. While driving I seldom slow down at the road breakers and bumps. One day out of exasperation my wife sitting next to me said," You know Honey, if you don't slow down you going to damage your shock absorber and your bearing and you will soon have to do a wheel alignment again." I was surprised by her knowledge of the technical words and told her so. She replied," Sweetheart, for years I've being telling you in plain English to slow down but you aren't listening. I thought maybe some engineering talk might help you see your foolishness." Well it did.
+++++++++++++++++++
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "(Expletive) you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
+++++++++++++++++++
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, and
then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the
kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" his mom asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the
boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Game Warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his hunting license. "This is last year's license," the warden informed him. "I know," said the hunter, "but I shouldn't need a new license, I am only shooting at the deer I missed last year."
+++++++++++++++++++
Handy Around The House
Emailed to me by a friend (Thanks, Nancy)
Guide to Being Handy Around the House 1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver. 2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help. 3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone. 4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. 5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old. 6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it. 7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it. 8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and sharing sometimes DOES help. 9. If something look level, it is level. 10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
+++++++++++++++++++
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Some engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in a certain area, the New Hampshire and Maine border must be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in Maine, but in New Hampshire. After a long pause, he grunted and said, "That's good. I couldn't take another one of these Maine winters."
+++++++++++++++++++
My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two actors who haven't seen each other in several weeks run in to each other on the street. 1st Actor: Haven't seen you in a while, how's everything going? 2nd Actor: Pretty good. Two weeks ago I got a call from a lawyer in Florida. It seems I had an aunt that I never knew about that died and left me $2,000,000. #1: That's great! #2: Yeah. And then last week I hit the lottery and won $7,000,000. #1: That's wonderful! #2: Yeah, but this week, nothing!
+++++++++++++++++++
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support phone number we found in the manual. I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him. He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more. "Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?" "Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"
+++++++++++++++++++
I work as an Design Engineer. While driving I seldom slow down at the road breakers and bumps. One day out of exasperation my wife sitting next to me said," You know Honey, if you don't slow down you going to damage your shock absorber and your bearing and you will soon have to do a wheel alignment again." I was surprised by her knowledge of the technical words and told her so. She replied," Sweetheart, for years I've being telling you in plain English to slow down but you aren't listening. I thought maybe some engineering talk might help you see your foolishness." Well it did.
+++++++++++++++++++
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "(Expletive) you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
+++++++++++++++++++
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
hUMOR For March 7th
AccentsAbout a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up."They think we have an accent," she replied."But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?""Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Glenelg, Maryland, is such a small community, I was
surprised that they had a community paper. I asked one
old-timer about it.
He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but
we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at
it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Throughout our month long tour of Europe, my wife's only complaint was that
there was never enough time for shopping. Nearing the end of our trip, we
stopped for lunch at a pub in a small town near London. We wrote postcards
and my wife volunteered to take them to the nearest postbox while I made a
long-distance phone call. The British long distance system defeated me until
I was helped by an attractive girl who was standing at the bar.
Completing my call, I saw her with a suitcase standing at a bus stop. I
found out she was going close to our destination so I offered her a lift and
suggested she get in the back seat of the car.
There was still no sign of my wife, so I went to look for her. Ten minutes
later, I found her in a store. She was bulging with parcels. Giving me a big
grin, she said, "That'll teach you to leave me alone for a few minutes."
It was my turn to grin as I said, "Wait until you see what's in the back
seat of the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting
about their dogs.
"What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.
"Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after
the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."
+++++++++++++++++++
"My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday my old man gave me a bat. The
first day I played with it, it flew away." - Rodney Dangerfield
+++++++++++++++++++
Fairway DriveMark drove his second shot from the fairway, not thinking he'd reach the green being a par 5 and out over 200 yards. The ball did land on the green & almost hit a fellow who was just finishing his putt. Mark went up to apologize and to explain, but the man was irate, yelling & screaming.The man charged at Mark swinging his putter.Mark who still had his 3 wood in hand, started swinging back at the man.When the ambulance and police arrived they took Mark into custody,and asked him how many times he hit the man. Mark replied, "Well I hit him eight times but you can put me down for five."
+++++++++++++++++++
Glenelg, Maryland, is such a small community, I was
surprised that they had a community paper. I asked one
old-timer about it.
He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but
we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at
it."
+++++++++++++++++++
Throughout our month long tour of Europe, my wife's only complaint was that
there was never enough time for shopping. Nearing the end of our trip, we
stopped for lunch at a pub in a small town near London. We wrote postcards
and my wife volunteered to take them to the nearest postbox while I made a
long-distance phone call. The British long distance system defeated me until
I was helped by an attractive girl who was standing at the bar.
Completing my call, I saw her with a suitcase standing at a bus stop. I
found out she was going close to our destination so I offered her a lift and
suggested she get in the back seat of the car.
There was still no sign of my wife, so I went to look for her. Ten minutes
later, I found her in a store. She was bulging with parcels. Giving me a big
grin, she said, "That'll teach you to leave me alone for a few minutes."
It was my turn to grin as I said, "Wait until you see what's in the back
seat of the car."
+++++++++++++++++++
While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting
about their dogs.
"What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.
"Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after
the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."
+++++++++++++++++++
"My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday my old man gave me a bat. The
first day I played with it, it flew away." - Rodney Dangerfield
+++++++++++++++++++
Fairway DriveMark drove his second shot from the fairway, not thinking he'd reach the green being a par 5 and out over 200 yards. The ball did land on the green & almost hit a fellow who was just finishing his putt. Mark went up to apologize and to explain, but the man was irate, yelling & screaming.The man charged at Mark swinging his putter.Mark who still had his 3 wood in hand, started swinging back at the man.When the ambulance and police arrived they took Mark into custody,and asked him how many times he hit the man. Mark replied, "Well I hit him eight times but you can put me down for five."
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
hUMOR For March 6th
A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty
crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby
found guilty and fined the sum of $150."
After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer
stood up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short
at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you
would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, shingles. The doctor asked, Where?Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them???!!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dog Employee"
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be alarmed. This is just part of my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone, too!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The trouble with eating at an all-you-can-eat restaurant is that five or six days later you're hungry again."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Ballet Audition"
There was once a beautiful fairy who yearned to be a ballet dancer.When she heard that the Royal Ballet was holding auditions in a nearby town, she harnessed 100 white pigeons to her chariot and flew to the theater.
The director took one look at the fairy's spectacular entrance and told her to go away. "But why," she wailed.
"Because we've got enough pigeon-towed dancers in the company already.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Haunted Castle”
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years."
crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby
found guilty and fined the sum of $150."
After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer
stood up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short
at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you
would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."
+++++++++++++++++++
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, shingles. The doctor asked, Where?Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them???!!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Dog Employee"
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be alarmed. This is just part of my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone, too!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"The trouble with eating at an all-you-can-eat restaurant is that five or six days later you're hungry again."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Ballet Audition"
There was once a beautiful fairy who yearned to be a ballet dancer.When she heard that the Royal Ballet was holding auditions in a nearby town, she harnessed 100 white pigeons to her chariot and flew to the theater.
The director took one look at the fairy's spectacular entrance and told her to go away. "But why," she wailed.
"Because we've got enough pigeon-towed dancers in the company already.
+++++++++++++++++++
”Haunted Castle”
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here."
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years."
Monday, March 05, 2007
hUMOR For March 5th
After an exhausting weekend, I woke up Monday morning and sleepily packed
lunch for my eight-year-old child. When I got home from work late that day,
she handed me a note from her teacher, requesting that I see her.
"What's this all about?" I asked sternly. Opening her lunch box, my daughter
showed me the drink I had given her that morning. It was a can of beer.
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman was complaining to a neighbor, "My husband left two weeks ago to get
a loaf of bread and he hasn't come home yet. I just don't know what to do."
The neighbor replied, "Send one of your kids to the store to get another
loaf of bread."
+++++++++++++++++++
Strange how people who don't even know their neighbors, are extremely
curious to know if there's extra-terrestrial life.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cherokee LanguageA Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?""That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."
+++++++++++++++++++
"College Advice"
Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
+++++++++++++++++++
A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first
performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that
she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission,
watching the activity while the ice was cleaned.
At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want
to be when I grow up!"
The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years,
starring in the Ice Capades.
She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued,
"I want to be a Zamboni driver!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Priest Twin"
Our priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His brother, of course, agreed.
It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the service.
As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"
"Cousin," she replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Pet Projects" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
This project is so important that we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
+++++++++++++++++++
The AccidentMy six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room."But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."
+++++++++++++++++++
Samaritan ZipperMaking close friends at the bus stop...
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!”The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends.”
lunch for my eight-year-old child. When I got home from work late that day,
she handed me a note from her teacher, requesting that I see her.
"What's this all about?" I asked sternly. Opening her lunch box, my daughter
showed me the drink I had given her that morning. It was a can of beer.
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman was complaining to a neighbor, "My husband left two weeks ago to get
a loaf of bread and he hasn't come home yet. I just don't know what to do."
The neighbor replied, "Send one of your kids to the store to get another
loaf of bread."
+++++++++++++++++++
Strange how people who don't even know their neighbors, are extremely
curious to know if there's extra-terrestrial life.
+++++++++++++++++++
Cherokee LanguageA Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?""That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."
+++++++++++++++++++
"College Advice"
Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
+++++++++++++++++++
A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first
performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that
she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission,
watching the activity while the ice was cleaned.
At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want
to be when I grow up!"
The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years,
starring in the Ice Capades.
She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued,
"I want to be a Zamboni driver!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Priest Twin"
Our priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His brother, of course, agreed.
It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the service.
As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"
"Cousin," she replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Pet Projects" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
This project is so important that we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
+++++++++++++++++++
The AccidentMy six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room."But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."
+++++++++++++++++++
Samaritan ZipperMaking close friends at the bus stop...
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!”The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends.”
Sunday, March 04, 2007
hUMOR For March 4th
ZippersA mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up."The boy looked at her quizzically... "Why does it have to be a secret?"
+++++++++++++++++++
A large steel column next to my cubicle got whacked during the office
renovation and, as a result, a sharp spur stuck out from the side. The site
supervisor came over with a worker, pointed to the pole, and said, "That's
really sharp and could hurt someone. I want it filed down."
The worker reached out, touched it, and said "Ouch!" just as the supervisor
yelled "Don't touch it!"
When the worker looked at the blood welling up, the supervisor said, "Wow,
that *is* sharp!" and reached out and touched it. "Ouch!" he said, stuck his
finger in his mouth, and walked away with the worker.
Five minutes later, the worker came back with an underling. "That's what
needs to be filed down," he said. "It's really sharp." The underling reached
out and touched it. "Ow!" he yelped and yanked his finger away.
Fortunately he filed it down right there and then before anyone else could
verify how sharp it was.
+++++++++++++++++++
A courier came into our office with a bemused look on his face. He had been
looking for building address number 70, and in his words, "The street
numbers jumped from 69 (next door) to 71 (our building)."
I suggested, in my most sincere voice, that he might try across the road.
+++++++++++++++++++
I keep losing the war on poverty because my money keeps fraternizing with
the enemy.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Churchill Downs"
Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at a small motel outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked the woman at the desk for directions to Churchill Downs. Not able to tell us, she called her husband from the back room.
"Churchill Downs?" he asked. "That's the race-track, isn't it?" We nodded.
He hesitated and then said, "I'm pretty sure it's somewhere south of the university. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be much help."
At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over his shoulder to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked at us, leaned over the counter and whispered, "Take Third Street through town, go past the university and turn right on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the twin spires. You can't miss 'em."
+++++++++++++++++++
When Hallmark Writers Have a Bad Day
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry!
Congratulations on your wedding day! (Too bad no one likes your spouse.)
How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby???
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind.
IAs the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... that you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion! Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married... But not to you.
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost lifelike!
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
We have been friends for a very long time... What do ya say we call it quits?
I'm so miserable without you. It's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy! (Did you ever find out who the father was?)
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia, and Mississippi)
+++++++++++++++++++
"Talking in Your Sleep"
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, "Fore!"
His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back, "Four fifty!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'"- Kathleen Madigan
+++++++++++++++++++
"Brown Paper Pete"
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.
+++++++++++++++++++
A large steel column next to my cubicle got whacked during the office
renovation and, as a result, a sharp spur stuck out from the side. The site
supervisor came over with a worker, pointed to the pole, and said, "That's
really sharp and could hurt someone. I want it filed down."
The worker reached out, touched it, and said "Ouch!" just as the supervisor
yelled "Don't touch it!"
When the worker looked at the blood welling up, the supervisor said, "Wow,
that *is* sharp!" and reached out and touched it. "Ouch!" he said, stuck his
finger in his mouth, and walked away with the worker.
Five minutes later, the worker came back with an underling. "That's what
needs to be filed down," he said. "It's really sharp." The underling reached
out and touched it. "Ow!" he yelped and yanked his finger away.
Fortunately he filed it down right there and then before anyone else could
verify how sharp it was.
+++++++++++++++++++
A courier came into our office with a bemused look on his face. He had been
looking for building address number 70, and in his words, "The street
numbers jumped from 69 (next door) to 71 (our building)."
I suggested, in my most sincere voice, that he might try across the road.
+++++++++++++++++++
I keep losing the war on poverty because my money keeps fraternizing with
the enemy.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Churchill Downs"
Vacationing in Kentucky, a friend and I spent the night at a small motel outside of Louisville. In the morning, I asked the woman at the desk for directions to Churchill Downs. Not able to tell us, she called her husband from the back room.
"Churchill Downs?" he asked. "That's the race-track, isn't it?" We nodded.
He hesitated and then said, "I'm pretty sure it's somewhere south of the university. I'm sorry, but I don't think I can be much help."
At that point his wife left the room. The husband looked over his shoulder to make sure she had disappeared. Then he winked at us, leaned over the counter and whispered, "Take Third Street through town, go past the university and turn right on Central Avenue. After that, just look for the twin spires. You can't miss 'em."
+++++++++++++++++++
When Hallmark Writers Have a Bad Day
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry!
Congratulations on your wedding day! (Too bad no one likes your spouse.)
How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby???
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind.
IAs the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... that you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion! Before you go... Would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married... But not to you.
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost lifelike!
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
We have been friends for a very long time... What do ya say we call it quits?
I'm so miserable without you. It's almost like you're here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy! (Did you ever find out who the father was?)
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So we're having you put to sleep.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Tennessee, West Virginia, and Mississippi)
+++++++++++++++++++
"Talking in Your Sleep"
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, "Fore!"
His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back, "Four fifty!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'"- Kathleen Madigan
+++++++++++++++++++
"Brown Paper Pete"
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, and brown paper shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
hUMOR For March 3rd
My wild oats have turned into bran flakes.
+++++++++++++++++++
Redneck Book of MannersAggressive tips from the 'Redneck Book of Manners'
General Tips1. Never take a beer to a job interview.2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.Dining Out1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor, as the restaurant may not have dogs.3. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.Entertaining In Your Home1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table - no matter how good his manners are.Personal Hygiene2. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.Dating (Outside The Family)1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: “I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, “Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.”Theater Etiquette1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.Weddings1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.Driving Etiquette1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.6. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
+++++++++++++++++++
Be thankful that you don't already have everything you
desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes.
They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference.
It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who
are also thankful for the setbacks.
Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
and they can become your blessings.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Three Day Silence"
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."
"That'll teach them!" I replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Rain is caused by big, high-pressure areas; cold fronts; warm, moist air; and the first day of your vacation."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "RaPUNzel"
Fair Ladies and Noble Gentlemen:
I, RaPUNzel, have a HAIR-raising tale to SHEAR with you written by the Brothers TRIMM.
When I was a young CURL, a jealous queen LOCKed me in a tower.
I was STRANDed and was at my SPLITS END -- truly a damsel in THESE TRESSES!
The queen thought it was a PERMANENT SOLUTION but, day after day, knight after knight would try to climb the tower, which was so tall the FOLLICLE you!
They would climb my BRAID, and if they weren't so handsome, I would give them the BRUSH off.
I wonder if that's where I got my reputation for being such a big TEASE.
One day, a handsome knight named Prince LATHERRINSE tried to rescue me.
He was HEAD & SHOULDERS above the rest.
I said, "COMB and SHAVE me!"
The queen found out about it and cut off my hair.
And let me tell you, Hell hath no fury as a woman SHORNED!
She'll have Hell TOUPEE because I am not someone to TANGLE with.
Prince Latherrinse WISPed me away and we got married and had twins.
But, we didn't live happily ever after because he placed too many CONDITIONERS on our marriage, which were really CRIMPING my STYLE.
So, we PARTED ways and a custody battle ensued.
It came down to SPLITTING HEIRS so he took one twin and I took the other.
So, now I don't date princes anymore because I don't want a LATHER RINSE REPEAT.
And I've gotten back to my ROOTS by changing my hair from BLONDE to brown and this new color is to DYE for.
After all, BRUNETTES have more pun.
Well, that's the LONG AND SHORT of my HAIRY tale.
I bid you all ADO!
(By Tiff Wimberly)
+++++++++++++++++++
Redneck Book of MannersAggressive tips from the 'Redneck Book of Manners'
General Tips1. Never take a beer to a job interview.2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.Dining Out1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor, as the restaurant may not have dogs.3. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.Entertaining In Your Home1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table - no matter how good his manners are.Personal Hygiene2. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.Dating (Outside The Family)1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: “I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, “Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.”Theater Etiquette1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.Weddings1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.Driving Etiquette1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.6. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
+++++++++++++++++++
Be thankful that you don't already have everything you
desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes.
They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference.
It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who
are also thankful for the setbacks.
Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
and they can become your blessings.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Three Day Silence"
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."
"That'll teach them!" I replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Rain is caused by big, high-pressure areas; cold fronts; warm, moist air; and the first day of your vacation."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "RaPUNzel"
Fair Ladies and Noble Gentlemen:
I, RaPUNzel, have a HAIR-raising tale to SHEAR with you written by the Brothers TRIMM.
When I was a young CURL, a jealous queen LOCKed me in a tower.
I was STRANDed and was at my SPLITS END -- truly a damsel in THESE TRESSES!
The queen thought it was a PERMANENT SOLUTION but, day after day, knight after knight would try to climb the tower, which was so tall the FOLLICLE you!
They would climb my BRAID, and if they weren't so handsome, I would give them the BRUSH off.
I wonder if that's where I got my reputation for being such a big TEASE.
One day, a handsome knight named Prince LATHERRINSE tried to rescue me.
He was HEAD & SHOULDERS above the rest.
I said, "COMB and SHAVE me!"
The queen found out about it and cut off my hair.
And let me tell you, Hell hath no fury as a woman SHORNED!
She'll have Hell TOUPEE because I am not someone to TANGLE with.
Prince Latherrinse WISPed me away and we got married and had twins.
But, we didn't live happily ever after because he placed too many CONDITIONERS on our marriage, which were really CRIMPING my STYLE.
So, we PARTED ways and a custody battle ensued.
It came down to SPLITTING HEIRS so he took one twin and I took the other.
So, now I don't date princes anymore because I don't want a LATHER RINSE REPEAT.
And I've gotten back to my ROOTS by changing my hair from BLONDE to brown and this new color is to DYE for.
After all, BRUNETTES have more pun.
Well, that's the LONG AND SHORT of my HAIRY tale.
I bid you all ADO!
(By Tiff Wimberly)
Friday, March 02, 2007
hUMOR For March 2nd
Minnesota WintersSome engineers from the U.S.G.S. surveyed some property and found that in a certain area, the IA, MN border must be changed. They stopped to inform a farmer that he was no longer in IA but in MN.After a long pause, he grunted and said, "That's good. I couldn't take another one of these MN winters."
++++++++++++++++++
”Golf Ransom”
Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. if you ever want to see your wife alive again."
But it was well after 1:00 p.m.by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. "I'm a 27 handicap.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The
teacher asked, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answered, "We found a ten-dollar bill and decided to
give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher.
"When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
+++++++++++++++++++
It was moving day. The previous owners were going to finish moving out that
morning, and we were going to start moving in that afternoon.
We showed up just as they were finishing up, around lunchtime. The couple
was sitting down for a breather before they left. The wife suggested to her
husband that they go to McDonald's for lunch. She told us with guilty
pleasure, "I know it's not good for me, but I just love burgers and fries."
Her husband had a somewhat disgusted look on his face. He told us, in all
seriousness, "Not me. I'm a meat and potatoes man."
+++++++++++++++++++
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the
department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this
reply:
"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by
age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked." - Jeff Pesis
+++++++++++++++++++
"Gold Watch"
A boss to a retiree:
"As a symbol of our gratitude, we have created this special gold watch to serve as a reminder of your many years with the company. It needs a lot of winding up, is always a little late, and every day at quarter to five, it stops working."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Fear imprisons, Faith liberates; Fear paralyzes, Faith empowers; Fear disheartens, Faith encourages; Fear sickens, Faith heals; Fear makes useless, Faith makes serviceable; and most of all, Fear puts hopelessness at the heart of life, while Faith rejoices in it's God." - Henry Emerson Fosdick.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Personal Contact"
Apparently not everyone is fed up with telephone-answering machines. At the newspaper office where I work, we have several of them for different departments.
However, while on the evening shift I answer the newsroom phone. I took one call and heard a woman exclaim: "Oh! I thought I was going to get a machine. I'll call back in the morning." And she hung up.
+++++++++++++++++++
KangaroosA kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Do You Remember
The 2 building, 3-rooms total country school near Council Bluffs, IA where I attend K – 6 came equipped with two such treacherous structures as are described below ... boys’ & girls’ as you might expect! Ah yes, those were the good ole days! Fortunately, they came with TP, not Sears catalogs or corn-cobs. The education at this school, unlike the restrooms, was the best!
The Passing of the Backhouse
This poem has been attributed James Whitcomb Riley.
When memory keeps me company and moves to smile or tears,A weather-beaten object looms through the mist of years,Behind the house and barn it stood, a half a mile or more,And hurrying feet a path had made, straight to its swinging door.Its architecture was a type of simple classic art,But in the tragedy of life it played a leading part.And oft the passing traveler drove slow and heaved a sigh,To see the modest hired girl slip out with glances shy.We had our posey garden that the women loved so well;I loved it too, but better still I loved the stronger smellThat filled the evening breezes so full of homely cheer,And told the night-o'ertaken tramp that human life was near.On lazy August afternoons it made a little bowerDelightful, where my grandsirer sat and whiled away an hour.For there the summer mornings, its very cares entwined,And berry bushes reddened in the streaming soil behind.All day fat spiders spun their webs to catch the buzzing fliesThat flitted to and from the house, where Ma was baking pies;And once a swarm of hornets bold had built their palace there,And stung my unsuspecting Aunt -- I must not tell you where.My father took a flaming pole -- that was a happy day --He nearly burned the building up, but the hornets left to stay.When summer bloom began to fade and winter to carouse,We banked the little building with a heap of hemlock boughs.But when the crust is on the snow and sullen skies were gray,Inside the building was no place where one could wish to stay.We did our duties promptly, there one purpose swayed the mind;We tarried not, nor lingered long, on what we left behind.The torture of the icy seat would make a Spartan sob,For needs must scrape the flesh with a lacerating cob,That from a frost-encrusted nail suspended from a string --My father was a frugal man and wasted not a thing.When Grandpa had to "go out back" and make his morning call,We'd bundle up the dear old man with a muffler and a shawl.I knew the hole on which he sat -- 'twas padded all around,And once I tried to sit there -- 'twas all too wide I found,My loins were all too little, and I jack-knifed there to stay,They had to come and get me out, or I'd have passed away,My father said ambition was a thing that boys should shun,And I just used the children's hole 'til childhood days were done.And still I marvel at the craft that cut those holes so true,The baby's hole, and the slender hole that fitted Sister Sue,That dear old country landmark; I tramped around a bit,And in the lap of luxury my lot has been to sit,But ere I die I'll eat the fruits of trees I robbed of yore,Then seek the shanty where my name is carved upon the door.I ween that old familiar smell will soothe my jaded soul,I'm now a man, but none the less I'll try the children's hole.
++++++++++++++++++
”Golf Ransom”
Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. if you ever want to see your wife alive again."
But it was well after 1:00 p.m.by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. "I'm a 27 handicap.
+++++++++++++++++++
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The
teacher asked, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answered, "We found a ten-dollar bill and decided to
give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher.
"When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
+++++++++++++++++++
It was moving day. The previous owners were going to finish moving out that
morning, and we were going to start moving in that afternoon.
We showed up just as they were finishing up, around lunchtime. The couple
was sitting down for a breather before they left. The wife suggested to her
husband that they go to McDonald's for lunch. She told us with guilty
pleasure, "I know it's not good for me, but I just love burgers and fries."
Her husband had a somewhat disgusted look on his face. He told us, in all
seriousness, "Not me. I'm a meat and potatoes man."
+++++++++++++++++++
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the
department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this
reply:
"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by
age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked." - Jeff Pesis
+++++++++++++++++++
"Gold Watch"
A boss to a retiree:
"As a symbol of our gratitude, we have created this special gold watch to serve as a reminder of your many years with the company. It needs a lot of winding up, is always a little late, and every day at quarter to five, it stops working."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Fear imprisons, Faith liberates; Fear paralyzes, Faith empowers; Fear disheartens, Faith encourages; Fear sickens, Faith heals; Fear makes useless, Faith makes serviceable; and most of all, Fear puts hopelessness at the heart of life, while Faith rejoices in it's God." - Henry Emerson Fosdick.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Personal Contact"
Apparently not everyone is fed up with telephone-answering machines. At the newspaper office where I work, we have several of them for different departments.
However, while on the evening shift I answer the newsroom phone. I took one call and heard a woman exclaim: "Oh! I thought I was going to get a machine. I'll call back in the morning." And she hung up.
+++++++++++++++++++
KangaroosA kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Do You Remember
The 2 building, 3-rooms total country school near Council Bluffs, IA where I attend K – 6 came equipped with two such treacherous structures as are described below ... boys’ & girls’ as you might expect! Ah yes, those were the good ole days! Fortunately, they came with TP, not Sears catalogs or corn-cobs. The education at this school, unlike the restrooms, was the best!
The Passing of the Backhouse
This poem has been attributed James Whitcomb Riley.
When memory keeps me company and moves to smile or tears,A weather-beaten object looms through the mist of years,Behind the house and barn it stood, a half a mile or more,And hurrying feet a path had made, straight to its swinging door.Its architecture was a type of simple classic art,But in the tragedy of life it played a leading part.And oft the passing traveler drove slow and heaved a sigh,To see the modest hired girl slip out with glances shy.We had our posey garden that the women loved so well;I loved it too, but better still I loved the stronger smellThat filled the evening breezes so full of homely cheer,And told the night-o'ertaken tramp that human life was near.On lazy August afternoons it made a little bowerDelightful, where my grandsirer sat and whiled away an hour.For there the summer mornings, its very cares entwined,And berry bushes reddened in the streaming soil behind.All day fat spiders spun their webs to catch the buzzing fliesThat flitted to and from the house, where Ma was baking pies;And once a swarm of hornets bold had built their palace there,And stung my unsuspecting Aunt -- I must not tell you where.My father took a flaming pole -- that was a happy day --He nearly burned the building up, but the hornets left to stay.When summer bloom began to fade and winter to carouse,We banked the little building with a heap of hemlock boughs.But when the crust is on the snow and sullen skies were gray,Inside the building was no place where one could wish to stay.We did our duties promptly, there one purpose swayed the mind;We tarried not, nor lingered long, on what we left behind.The torture of the icy seat would make a Spartan sob,For needs must scrape the flesh with a lacerating cob,That from a frost-encrusted nail suspended from a string --My father was a frugal man and wasted not a thing.When Grandpa had to "go out back" and make his morning call,We'd bundle up the dear old man with a muffler and a shawl.I knew the hole on which he sat -- 'twas padded all around,And once I tried to sit there -- 'twas all too wide I found,My loins were all too little, and I jack-knifed there to stay,They had to come and get me out, or I'd have passed away,My father said ambition was a thing that boys should shun,And I just used the children's hole 'til childhood days were done.And still I marvel at the craft that cut those holes so true,The baby's hole, and the slender hole that fitted Sister Sue,That dear old country landmark; I tramped around a bit,And in the lap of luxury my lot has been to sit,But ere I die I'll eat the fruits of trees I robbed of yore,Then seek the shanty where my name is carved upon the door.I ween that old familiar smell will soothe my jaded soul,I'm now a man, but none the less I'll try the children's hole.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
hUMOR For March 1st
HA HA, FOOLED YOU I GOT THE DATE RIGHT! :-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings. And a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: hello
WOMAN: honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
MAN: yes
WOMAN: I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It is only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?
MAN: sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.
MAN: how much?
WOMAN: $90,000
MAN: ok, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They are asking $950,000
MAN: well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. if not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.
WOMAN: ok. I'll see you later! I love you so much!
MAN: bye! I love you, too.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
HE TURNS AND ASKS: ANYONE KNOW WHO THIS PHONE BELONGS TO?
+++++++++++++++++++
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story
of Elijah the prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She
explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut
the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then,
Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels with
water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this three
times.
"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me
why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on
the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her
hand, "I know! I know!" she said. "To make the gravy!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"First Job Hunting"
Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out applications, leaving them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top jumped out at me. Under "Previous Employment" she wrote, "Baby sitting."
In answer to "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "Parents came home."
+++++++++++++++++++
Handy Around The HouseEleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House 1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver. 2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help. 3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone. 4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. 5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old. 6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it. 7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it. 8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and sharing sometimes DOES help. 9. If something look level, it is level. 10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"No matter how busy people are, most are never too busy to stop and talk about how busy they are."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "X-Ray Lie"
Never lie to an x-ray technician.
They can see right through you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings. And a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: hello
WOMAN: honey, it's me. Are you at the club?
MAN: yes
WOMAN: I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It is only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?
MAN: sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked.
MAN: how much?
WOMAN: $90,000
MAN: ok, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They are asking $950,000
MAN: well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. if not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.
WOMAN: ok. I'll see you later! I love you so much!
MAN: bye! I love you, too.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
HE TURNS AND ASKS: ANYONE KNOW WHO THIS PHONE BELONGS TO?
+++++++++++++++++++
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story
of Elijah the prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She
explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut
the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then,
Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels with
water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this three
times.
"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me
why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on
the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her
hand, "I know! I know!" she said. "To make the gravy!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"First Job Hunting"
Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out applications, leaving them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top jumped out at me. Under "Previous Employment" she wrote, "Baby sitting."
In answer to "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "Parents came home."
+++++++++++++++++++
Handy Around The HouseEleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House 1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver. 2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help. 3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone. 4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator. 5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old. 6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it. 7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it. 8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and sharing sometimes DOES help. 9. If something look level, it is level. 10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"No matter how busy people are, most are never too busy to stop and talk about how busy they are."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "X-Ray Lie"
Never lie to an x-ray technician.
They can see right through you.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
hUMOR For Feb 28th
The Game WardenThe Game Warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his hunting license. "This is last year's license," the warden informed him."I know," said the hunter, "but I shouldn't need a new license, I am only shooting at the deer I missed last year."
+++++++++++++++++++
Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the
doorman without tipping him.
Never the less, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and
said pleasantly, "By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the
way home, sir, just remember that you didn't pull it out here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Grandma Jones had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't
take it kindly when a bad case of the "mulligrubs" sent her to the hospital
for observation.
By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had
managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the
skimpy gown, the food and especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma
spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's
that?" she demanded.
"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the
interns, "just press that button."
"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.
"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern
replied.
"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around
here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and
switch it on herself."
+++++++++++++++++++
"We can put television in its proper light by supposing that Gutenberg's
great invention had been directed at printing only comic books." - Robert M.
Hutchins
+++++++++++++++++++
My forgetter's getting better, But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, and Say "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say! "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "who was that?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke. CAN YOU RELATE???
Please send this to everyone you know because I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO!!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
25 Signs that you have finally grown up:1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you to go bed. 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hookup" and "break up". 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up". 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@#! kids next doorwon't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You take naps. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning ofone. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms andpregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going todrink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate theminstead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?" Bonus: 26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign thatdoesn'tapply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then youforward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it &do the same.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Work Confusion"
A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks.
The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what on earth are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.
One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple."- Barry Switzer
+++++++++++++++++++
Vain Religion" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming with plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our friends."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
+++++++++++++++++++
Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the
doorman without tipping him.
Never the less, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and
said pleasantly, "By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the
way home, sir, just remember that you didn't pull it out here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Grandma Jones had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't
take it kindly when a bad case of the "mulligrubs" sent her to the hospital
for observation.
By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had
managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the
skimpy gown, the food and especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma
spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's
that?" she demanded.
"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the
interns, "just press that button."
"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.
"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern
replied.
"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around
here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and
switch it on herself."
+++++++++++++++++++
"We can put television in its proper light by supposing that Gutenberg's
great invention had been directed at printing only comic books." - Robert M.
Hutchins
+++++++++++++++++++
My forgetter's getting better, But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, and Say "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say! "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "who was that?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke. CAN YOU RELATE???
Please send this to everyone you know because I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO!!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
25 Signs that you have finally grown up:1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you to go bed. 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hookup" and "break up". 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up". 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@#! kids next doorwon't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You take naps. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning ofone. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms andpregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going todrink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate theminstead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?" Bonus: 26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign thatdoesn'tapply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then youforward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it &do the same.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Work Confusion"
A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks.
The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what on earth are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.
One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple."- Barry Switzer
+++++++++++++++++++
Vain Religion" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming with plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our friends."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
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