If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills airline.
You're all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting
experience. There is no first class on any Lutheran Air flight. Meals are
potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and
22-30, a dessert.
Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft. Everyone is
responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by freewill offering
and the plane will not land until the budget is met. Pay attention to your
flight attendant, who will acquaint you with the safety system aboard this
Lutheran Air 599.
Okay then, listen up: I'm only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so will
Captain Olson because we fly right around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin
pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that
nature, and I wouldn't bother with those little masks on the rubber tubes.
You're gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those
back up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of
turbulence which, to be honest with you, we're going to have quite a bit of
at 2000 feet. Sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after a while
you get used to it.
In the event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying the Lord's
Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us our sins as we
forgive those who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against
us," which isn't right, but what can you do?
The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they
may interfere with the plane's navigational system, which is seat of the
pants all the way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo, and
if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mouth on the
side of your head.
We're going to start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with the
coffee pot up front. Then we'll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the seat
pocket in front of you. Don't take yours with you when you go or I am going
to be real upset and I am not kidding!
Right now I'll say Grace. "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these
gifts to us be blest. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Duluth or
pretty close. Amen."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch
and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right
now.'" - Kathleen Madigan
+++++++++++++++++++
"Unique Breakfast"
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.
"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.
"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.
"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.
Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"
"Just bring me a hard boiled egg," the man replied.
+++++++++++++++++++
Bar TimeAn angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him."What'll you have?" he asked."Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out."Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!""Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed. In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?" The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?" The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!" Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Coffee Vending Machine"
A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and watched helplessly while the cup failed to appear and a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.
"Now that's automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"I had amnesia once -- or twice."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Cross-eyed Teacher"
A cross-eyed teacher in Surrey has been sacked.
He couldn't control his pupils.
+++++++++++++++++++
Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One
afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the
first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in
the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the
horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse
came in first!
Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again
he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure.
Charlie played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the
blessed horse. Sure enough, the blessed horse came in by two
lengths, and Charlie won close to fifty bucks!
The priest continued the same procedure through the next few
races, and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1,000,
so between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank
and withdrew his life's savings, $20,000.
The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie
followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he
blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his
whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win.
Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the
stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, the
horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was dead last!
Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that
he had been watching him bless the horses all day, and they
all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet
his life savings. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the
last horse that you blessed? Why didn't it win like the
others?"
"That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the
priest. "You can never tell the difference between a
blessing and the last rites."
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Sunday, January 14, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 14th
"Dollar Math"
"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"
Vinny raised his hand and answered, "One dollar."
The teacher shook her head. "You don't know your math."
Vinny replied, "You don't know my father."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Remember that children, marriages, and flower gardens reflect the kind of care they get."- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prayer" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
In line at the bookstore, I couldn't help noticing the two bestsellers the person in front of me was prepared to purchase:
"Conversations With God" and "How to Argue and Win Everytime."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been
drinking heavily like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much."
+++++++++++++++++++
Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand mixer
from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes. Later that
semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him.
"Not very good," Terry said, "the potatoes keep flying all over the
kitchen."
After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, "Terry, did you cook the potatoes
first?"
To which a surprised Terry responded, "You have to cook the potatoes first?"
+++++++++++++++++++
I want my children to have all the things I never could afford. Then I want
to move in with them.
+++++++++++++++++++
Men @ MathWhy men are taught math in school...Traffic 101 - separating the men from the boys!
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.That's 96 miles each day.Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an eight lane highway.There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars.That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.Statistically, females drive half of these.That's 18,000 women drivers!In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.That's 642.According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.That's 449.According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.That's 98.And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.That's 33.According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.Flip one off? I think not…
"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"
Vinny raised his hand and answered, "One dollar."
The teacher shook her head. "You don't know your math."
Vinny replied, "You don't know my father."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Remember that children, marriages, and flower gardens reflect the kind of care they get."- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prayer" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
In line at the bookstore, I couldn't help noticing the two bestsellers the person in front of me was prepared to purchase:
"Conversations With God" and "How to Argue and Win Everytime."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been
drinking heavily like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much."
+++++++++++++++++++
Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand mixer
from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes. Later that
semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him.
"Not very good," Terry said, "the potatoes keep flying all over the
kitchen."
After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, "Terry, did you cook the potatoes
first?"
To which a surprised Terry responded, "You have to cook the potatoes first?"
+++++++++++++++++++
I want my children to have all the things I never could afford. Then I want
to move in with them.
+++++++++++++++++++
Men @ MathWhy men are taught math in school...Traffic 101 - separating the men from the boys!
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.That's 96 miles each day.Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an eight lane highway.There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars.That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.Statistically, females drive half of these.That's 18,000 women drivers!In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.That's 642.According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.That's 449.According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.That's 98.And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.That's 33.According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.Flip one off? I think not…
Saturday, January 13, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 13th
You're, um, WelcomeYou know this sort of user: the kind who blames IT for everything. "If I walk past her desk and so much as glance in her direction, anything that happens on her PC, lost file or otherwise, must be my fault," says the network administrator.So he dreads the call he gets from her one day: "There's something wrong with my fax software. It hasn't worked in months. You must have done something to it."He hasn't done any support on this user's PC in months and hasn't touched the fax software since he installed it four years ago. And he really doesn't want to go anywhere near the PC because he knows that, for months to come, everything will be his fault.Hoping to dodge that headache, he emails the user. "Is the phone cable plugged into your computer and your phone?" he asks in the email.The response comes by voice mail: "Well, that was pretty smart of you. The cable wasn't plugged in my phone. Thanks for your help -- you must have unplugged it the last time you were here!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Laws of Parenthood"
There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood
A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.
Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.
A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.
The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.
The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Only one shopping day left until tomorrow."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Amoeba Line" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Have you heard the latest amoeba pick up line?
Well, those little cells just sidle right up to another and they say,
"Hey, baby, after they made you they threw away the mold."
+++++++++++++++++++
G.P.A."
At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful young thing and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties.
"Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?"
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27 in the city and 38 on the highway."
+++++++++++++++++++
"A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no
actual children." - Dave Barry
+++++++++++++++++++
Time to lie on the beach. Yeah, I never tell the truth
anywhere.
When repairmen say they'll "Come sometime next week," I
usually say, "Fine, I'll pay you sometime next year."
I'm a pretty patient person. Just as long as I'm not kept
waiting for anything.
I use my cookbook often -- to throw at people who suggest I
cook.
Remember the "Twilight Zone" episode where a man went all
day without saying anything stupid? That'll never happen in
real life.
It's National Chili Week! Which makes next week National
Stay Indoors Week.
I learned something important about burning leaves. Wait
until they fall off the trees.
With each passing week, the days are getting a little bit
shorter. Kind of like me.
Here's a spooky Halloween mystery: How do they fit so many
calories into those mini candy bars?
Sadie Hawkins Day is when women hit on men. If noogies
count, I hit on 'em every day.
I'm thinking of renewing my vow ... to never get married
again.
Breaking up is hard to do. Unless you're mad and there's a
vase nearby.
The best thing about late November is watching people who
make homemade Christmas gifts start to really panic.
I could be a member of the "Polar Bear Club." Yeah, I stand
in freezing cold water whenever someone flushes the toilet
while I'm in the shower.
I enjoy battling mall crowds for the hot new Christmas toys.
Oh, I don't buy the toy -- I just like battling.
Ever notice how the guy with the light-up Christmas tie
always leaves the party alone?
I found a surprise or two under the tree -- the dog hates
going outside in the snow.
I've got Christmas fever. That's what I get for skipping my
flu shot.
My personal goal for this year is to get in the way of other
people's goals.
I wish those long-distance phone companies would offer a
special low rate on those calls to relatives that rattle on
and on about nothing.
Now that the holidays are over, there are a lot of bargains
out there -- in the form of slightly used gifts I've
returned.
I cut my heating costs by 30 percent. Just let my legs go
numb below the knee.
January is designated as National Diet Month -- mainly
because December is National Eat-Like-a-Pig Month.
I'm getting cabin fever. Mainly from drinking syrup straight
from the bottle.
Thought about taking up snowboarding, but then I figured,
why not just ram myself into a tree and save that long trip
to the mountains.
It's National Hot Tea Month! Throw a tea drinker into a
harbor to celebrate.
The handy thing about credit cards is that they're a great
way to pay off your credit cards.
Got the all-animal channel and the all-history channel, but
I'm still waiting for the all-whining channel.
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed. In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?" The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?" The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!" Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Cup holder is not working in my computer (G)Joke Submitted By: Emperor Soul
A computer manufacture called some of their clients to askabout how much they are satisfied with their computer. Company: Hi, I'm calling from U Computer, you have recentlypurchased a computer from us. Client: Oh Yeah. Company: Are you satisfied with your computer? Client: Yes, but I don't know why this computer came with acoffee cup holder and after many use it's not working. Company: Odd, we don't sell computer with a computer with acoffee cup holder. Client: Hmm . . . Yes, there is. It is labeled CD-writer andthere is a little button when I press it, a tray comes outand I put the cup on it. Computer: Sir, it is a compact disc player and writer. Itis used for Audio CDs, Software CDs, but not for using it asa cup holder. Client: Oh, so that's why it broke! Thank you. Bye.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Laws of Parenthood"
There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood
A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.
Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.
A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.
The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.
The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Only one shopping day left until tomorrow."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Amoeba Line" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Have you heard the latest amoeba pick up line?
Well, those little cells just sidle right up to another and they say,
"Hey, baby, after they made you they threw away the mold."
+++++++++++++++++++
G.P.A."
At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful young thing and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties.
"Oh, I have a 3.9, so I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G.P.A.?"
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27 in the city and 38 on the highway."
+++++++++++++++++++
"A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no
actual children." - Dave Barry
+++++++++++++++++++
Time to lie on the beach. Yeah, I never tell the truth
anywhere.
When repairmen say they'll "Come sometime next week," I
usually say, "Fine, I'll pay you sometime next year."
I'm a pretty patient person. Just as long as I'm not kept
waiting for anything.
I use my cookbook often -- to throw at people who suggest I
cook.
Remember the "Twilight Zone" episode where a man went all
day without saying anything stupid? That'll never happen in
real life.
It's National Chili Week! Which makes next week National
Stay Indoors Week.
I learned something important about burning leaves. Wait
until they fall off the trees.
With each passing week, the days are getting a little bit
shorter. Kind of like me.
Here's a spooky Halloween mystery: How do they fit so many
calories into those mini candy bars?
Sadie Hawkins Day is when women hit on men. If noogies
count, I hit on 'em every day.
I'm thinking of renewing my vow ... to never get married
again.
Breaking up is hard to do. Unless you're mad and there's a
vase nearby.
The best thing about late November is watching people who
make homemade Christmas gifts start to really panic.
I could be a member of the "Polar Bear Club." Yeah, I stand
in freezing cold water whenever someone flushes the toilet
while I'm in the shower.
I enjoy battling mall crowds for the hot new Christmas toys.
Oh, I don't buy the toy -- I just like battling.
Ever notice how the guy with the light-up Christmas tie
always leaves the party alone?
I found a surprise or two under the tree -- the dog hates
going outside in the snow.
I've got Christmas fever. That's what I get for skipping my
flu shot.
My personal goal for this year is to get in the way of other
people's goals.
I wish those long-distance phone companies would offer a
special low rate on those calls to relatives that rattle on
and on about nothing.
Now that the holidays are over, there are a lot of bargains
out there -- in the form of slightly used gifts I've
returned.
I cut my heating costs by 30 percent. Just let my legs go
numb below the knee.
January is designated as National Diet Month -- mainly
because December is National Eat-Like-a-Pig Month.
I'm getting cabin fever. Mainly from drinking syrup straight
from the bottle.
Thought about taking up snowboarding, but then I figured,
why not just ram myself into a tree and save that long trip
to the mountains.
It's National Hot Tea Month! Throw a tea drinker into a
harbor to celebrate.
The handy thing about credit cards is that they're a great
way to pay off your credit cards.
Got the all-animal channel and the all-history channel, but
I'm still waiting for the all-whining channel.
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a blonde that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed. In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?" The blonde replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?" The blonde said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!" Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"The blonde answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Cup holder is not working in my computer (G)Joke Submitted By: Emperor Soul
A computer manufacture called some of their clients to askabout how much they are satisfied with their computer. Company: Hi, I'm calling from U Computer, you have recentlypurchased a computer from us. Client: Oh Yeah. Company: Are you satisfied with your computer? Client: Yes, but I don't know why this computer came with acoffee cup holder and after many use it's not working. Company: Odd, we don't sell computer with a computer with acoffee cup holder. Client: Hmm . . . Yes, there is. It is labeled CD-writer andthere is a little button when I press it, a tray comes outand I put the cup on it. Computer: Sir, it is a compact disc player and writer. Itis used for Audio CDs, Software CDs, but not for using it asa cup holder. Client: Oh, so that's why it broke! Thank you. Bye.
Friday, January 12, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 12th
"Community Paper"
Glenelg, Maryland is such a small community, I was surprised that they had a community paper. I asked one old-timer about it.
He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at it."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A hair in the head is worth two in the brush."
- Don Herold
+++++++++++++++++++
How To Clean Your Toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Treasure"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave.
Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out.
"This I've got to see," I thought.
They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.
+++++++++++++++++++
While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some
old photographs, we came across a picture of
me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves.
"Daddy, were you in a war?"
"Yes," I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be.
Wide-eyed, she gasped, "Against what planet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Tom and Darryl were out hunting deer. Tom asked, "Did you see that?"
"No," Darryl replies.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead."
"Oh," responded Darryl.
A couple of minutes later, Tom said, "Did you see that?"
"See what?"
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill,
over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later Tom again said, "Did you see that?"
By now, Darryl is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And Tom says, "Then why did you step in it?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Society will ignore almost any form of public behavior except getting in the
express line with two extra items.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day Jake, a nine-year-old, asked to pack his own lunch
for school. His mom agreed. But they couldn't agree on what
he should pack, so they both made lists.
This was the mom's list:
One sandwich
One apple
Pretzels
A carton of milk
This was Jake's list:
Candy
Candy
Candy
Jake agreed to compromise. Sure enough, the next morning,
Jake was ready for school and he packed his lunch. His mom
came to check his lunch, and this is what he had:
An ice cream sandwich
A caramel apple
White chocolate-covered pretzels with sprinkles on top
A carton of Nesquik chocolate milk
And a bag of candy, of course, for dessert.
Glenelg, Maryland is such a small community, I was surprised that they had a community paper. I asked one old-timer about it.
He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at it."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A hair in the head is worth two in the brush."
- Don Herold
+++++++++++++++++++
How To Clean Your Toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Treasure"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave.
Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out.
"This I've got to see," I thought.
They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.
+++++++++++++++++++
While my six-year-old daughter of the space age and I were reviewing some
old photographs, we came across a picture of
me when I was a captain in the Army Reserves.
"Daddy, were you in a war?"
"Yes," I fibbed, just to see what her reaction would be.
Wide-eyed, she gasped, "Against what planet?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Tom and Darryl were out hunting deer. Tom asked, "Did you see that?"
"No," Darryl replies.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead."
"Oh," responded Darryl.
A couple of minutes later, Tom said, "Did you see that?"
"See what?"
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill,
over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later Tom again said, "Did you see that?"
By now, Darryl is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And Tom says, "Then why did you step in it?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Society will ignore almost any form of public behavior except getting in the
express line with two extra items.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day Jake, a nine-year-old, asked to pack his own lunch
for school. His mom agreed. But they couldn't agree on what
he should pack, so they both made lists.
This was the mom's list:
One sandwich
One apple
Pretzels
A carton of milk
This was Jake's list:
Candy
Candy
Candy
Jake agreed to compromise. Sure enough, the next morning,
Jake was ready for school and he packed his lunch. His mom
came to check his lunch, and this is what he had:
An ice cream sandwich
A caramel apple
White chocolate-covered pretzels with sprinkles on top
A carton of Nesquik chocolate milk
And a bag of candy, of course, for dessert.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 11th
Cleaning Instructions
I bought a great new toilet seat recently.
On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.
Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.
My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."
+++++++++++++++++++
REAL NEWSPAPER ADS
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a
single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat .. been out a while.
Better be a reward.
For Sale: COWS: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.
AND THE BEST ONE:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows
everything.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Kid Wisdom"
When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer.
Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.
Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Stallions"
Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed.
The first says, "I'll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance. No foot, no horse!"
The second horse says, "I'll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with. I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!"
The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right. I stand corrected."
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"
"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"
"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."
+++++++++++++++++++
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his
flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked
up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied
voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off
and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook
his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big
score, then clicked the light back on and began searching
for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he
could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus
is watching you." Totally rattled, he shone his light around
frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally,
in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying
to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you
are, anyway?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses!" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people
would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered, "The same kind of people who
would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"
I bought a great new toilet seat recently.
On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.
Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.
My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."
+++++++++++++++++++
REAL NEWSPAPER ADS
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a
single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat .. been out a while.
Better be a reward.
For Sale: COWS: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.
AND THE BEST ONE:
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows
everything.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Kid Wisdom"
When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' Don't answer.
Never tell your Mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes.
Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to.
Never let your three-year-old brother in the same room as your school assignment.
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Stallions"
Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed.
The first says, "I'll grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance. No foot, no horse!"
The second horse says, "I'll allow your legs are just a bit better than mine, but mine are the legs I was born with. I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!"
The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right. I stand corrected."
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"
"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?"
"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."
+++++++++++++++++++
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his
flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked
up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied
voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off
and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook
his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big
score, then clicked the light back on and began searching
for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he
could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus
is watching you." Totally rattled, he shone his light around
frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally,
in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying
to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you
are, anyway?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses!" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people
would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered, "The same kind of people who
would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 10th
Sister Logical
Logic for your Catholic friends...
[There were two nuns - one of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was
known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent...]
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives...
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: Logically he reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bicycle Accidents"
In the early 1990's, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo Ederle in Italy, it was very common to see soldiers riding bicycles back and forth to work.
So it came as no big surprise that, after a series of painfully comic accidents, a new policy was announced, saying in summary, "Soldiers shall no longer salute officers who are engaged in the riding of a bicycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Sin is not hurtful because it is forbidden; it is forbidden because it is hurtful."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Heaven"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
+++++++++++++++++++
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I
can't see very well these days."
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2
weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
The doctor says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a
water hose the past 2 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been
getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."
"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the
mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"
"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue
Service."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Trouble with grammar have I, yes." - Yoda
+++++++++++++++++++
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to
operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see
accountants on my operating table, because when you open
them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color-coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are
the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer
than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head
and tail are interchangeable."
Received from CMZitzer.
+++++++++++++++++++
We are all in the Process-Good therapy to laugh at one's self
tHIS IS AN EXCERPT FROM A NEWSLETTER-The story is told of two elderly ladies who had been friends for many decades and had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities were limited to a few times a week to play cards. One day, as they were playing cards, one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her in fact, for three minutes just sat and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
Logic for your Catholic friends...
[There were two nuns - one of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was
known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent...]
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives...
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: Logically he reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, I'll pray for you!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Bicycle Accidents"
In the early 1990's, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo Ederle in Italy, it was very common to see soldiers riding bicycles back and forth to work.
So it came as no big surprise that, after a series of painfully comic accidents, a new policy was announced, saying in summary, "Soldiers shall no longer salute officers who are engaged in the riding of a bicycle."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Sin is not hurtful because it is forbidden; it is forbidden because it is hurtful."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Heaven"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
+++++++++++++++++++
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I
can't see very well these days."
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2
weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
The doctor says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a
water hose the past 2 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been
getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."
"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the
mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"
"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue
Service."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Trouble with grammar have I, yes." - Yoda
+++++++++++++++++++
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to
operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see
accountants on my operating table, because when you open
them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color-coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think file clerks are
the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer
than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed:
"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head
and tail are interchangeable."
Received from CMZitzer.
+++++++++++++++++++
We are all in the Process-Good therapy to laugh at one's self
tHIS IS AN EXCERPT FROM A NEWSLETTER-The story is told of two elderly ladies who had been friends for many decades and had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities were limited to a few times a week to play cards. One day, as they were playing cards, one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her in fact, for three minutes just sat and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 9th
I realize that humor isn't for everyone. It's only for people who want to
have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Oil on Fish"
Students at school were asked to write about the harmful effects of oil on fish.
One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Be different; Conform."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Cardboard"
A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at Marblegate Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.
One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real pane!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Birthday Gift"
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Goats
A group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were
grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to
pasture when they no longer produced.
She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats that
aren't producing?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
After much careful research it has been discovered that the
artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh.
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh.
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh.
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh.
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh.
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh.
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay
Gogh.
have fun, enjoy life, and feel alive.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Oil on Fish"
Students at school were asked to write about the harmful effects of oil on fish.
One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Be different; Conform."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Cardboard"
A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at Marblegate Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.
One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real pane!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Birthday Gift"
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat-up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
+++++++++++++++++++
Old Goats
A group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were
grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to
pasture when they no longer produced.
She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats that
aren't producing?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
After much careful research it has been discovered that the
artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh.
His dizzy aunt, Verti Gogh.
The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh.
The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop n' Gogh.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U Gogh.
The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh.
The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh.
His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh.
His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh.
The Mexican cousin's American half brother, Grin Gogh.
The nephew who drove a stage coach, Wellsfar Gogh.
The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh.
The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh.
The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh.
His nephew psychoanalyst, E Gogh.
The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh.
An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh.
The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh.
A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh.
His Italian uncle, Day Gogh.
And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay
Gogh.
Monday, January 08, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 8th
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out
making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran
out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a
block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some
gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned
had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided
not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for
something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her
car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched
from across the street. One of the them turned to the other
and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
+++++++++++++++++++
Watch what you say about me. After all, you're talking about the one I love.
+++++++++++++++++++
New Year’s Recipe
New Year’s lifestyle recipe 4U...
Take 12 whole months. Clean them thoroughly of all bitterness, hate and jealousy. Make them just as fresh and clean as possible.
Now cut each month into 28, 30 or 31 different parts, but don't make up the whole batch at once. Prepare it one day at a time out of these ingredients.
Mix well into each day 1 part of Faith, 1 part of Patience, 1 part of Courage and 1 part of Work.
Add to each day 1 part Hope, Faithfulness, Generosity and Kindness.
Blend with 1 part Prayer, 1 part Meditation and 1 Good Deed.
Season the whole with a dash of Good Spirits, a sprinkle of Fun, a pinch of Play and 1 cup full of Good Humour . Pour all of this into a vessel of Love.
Cook thoroughly over Radiant Joy, garnish with a Smile, and serve with Quietness, Unselfishness, and Cheerfulness.
Makes 1 pleasant year.
+++++++++++++++++++
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the
rule of thumb"
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
-------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour: 61,000
-----------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
--------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day
------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we
know today as the honeymoon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
--------------
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~-------
-------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-------
-------------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of
the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!
making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran
out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a
block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some
gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned
had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided
not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for
something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her
car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched
from across the street. One of the them turned to the other
and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
+++++++++++++++++++
Watch what you say about me. After all, you're talking about the one I love.
+++++++++++++++++++
New Year’s Recipe
New Year’s lifestyle recipe 4U...
Take 12 whole months. Clean them thoroughly of all bitterness, hate and jealousy. Make them just as fresh and clean as possible.
Now cut each month into 28, 30 or 31 different parts, but don't make up the whole batch at once. Prepare it one day at a time out of these ingredients.
Mix well into each day 1 part of Faith, 1 part of Patience, 1 part of Courage and 1 part of Work.
Add to each day 1 part Hope, Faithfulness, Generosity and Kindness.
Blend with 1 part Prayer, 1 part Meditation and 1 Good Deed.
Season the whole with a dash of Good Spirits, a sprinkle of Fun, a pinch of Play and 1 cup full of Good Humour . Pour all of this into a vessel of Love.
Cook thoroughly over Radiant Joy, garnish with a Smile, and serve with Quietness, Unselfishness, and Cheerfulness.
Makes 1 pleasant year.
+++++++++++++++++++
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the
rule of thumb"
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
-------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour: 61,000
-----------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
--------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day
------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we
know today as the honeymoon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
--------------
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~-------
-------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-------
-------------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of
the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!
Sunday, January 07, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 7th
It was announced today that Bertelsmann (BMG) will be purchasing the
Columbia House music club. While terms weren't announced, analysts believe
Bertelsmann will pay one penny, along with the promise to buy twelve
additional companies at a later date.
+++++++++++++++++++
I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and saw the
utility company starting to erect a pole in front of my house.
They were going to position it directly in front of my picture window. No
way, absolutely no way, was I going to permit this. I gulped down my coffee
and went directly to the crew supervisor and told him, in no uncertain
terms, that I was not going to stand for his crew putting that stupid
electrical pole directly in front of my picture window.
He took out a plot map, a map for pole locations and a right of way
document. He went on to explain that the chosen location was the best spot
for the pole.
I told him it was not the best location for me and that when I came home
from work that day I certainly did not expect to see that pole in front of
my window.
He asked where I did want them to put it and I told him I didn't give a
hoot, as long as it was not in front of my window. I felt pretty smug as I
drove off to work because I felt I got my point across. I knew he was afraid
to put it there now.
Ah, the feeling of power; at least until I got home and found the pole in
the middle of my driveway.
+++++++++++++++++++
"The federal government has asked that people not return to New Orleans yet
because the city still is not safe. The government then went on to say the
same thing about Detroit, Cleveland and Newark." - Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Wedding Report
"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife.
"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said,
'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things
really began to happen fast."
+++++++++++++++++++
THE PHILOSOPHY OF TAXES
Tax his land, tax his pay,
Tax his bed where he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes are the rule.
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirt,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco, tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze, tax his beers,
If he cries, tax his tears.
Tax his bills, tax his gas,
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!
COMMENTS: Not one of the below taxes existed 100 years ago when there was prosperity, absolutely no national debt, the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?????
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax,
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service charge taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,
Telephone Federal,
State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage Charge Tax,
Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax.
Columbia House music club. While terms weren't announced, analysts believe
Bertelsmann will pay one penny, along with the promise to buy twelve
additional companies at a later date.
+++++++++++++++++++
I was getting ready for work when I looked out the window and saw the
utility company starting to erect a pole in front of my house.
They were going to position it directly in front of my picture window. No
way, absolutely no way, was I going to permit this. I gulped down my coffee
and went directly to the crew supervisor and told him, in no uncertain
terms, that I was not going to stand for his crew putting that stupid
electrical pole directly in front of my picture window.
He took out a plot map, a map for pole locations and a right of way
document. He went on to explain that the chosen location was the best spot
for the pole.
I told him it was not the best location for me and that when I came home
from work that day I certainly did not expect to see that pole in front of
my window.
He asked where I did want them to put it and I told him I didn't give a
hoot, as long as it was not in front of my window. I felt pretty smug as I
drove off to work because I felt I got my point across. I knew he was afraid
to put it there now.
Ah, the feeling of power; at least until I got home and found the pole in
the middle of my driveway.
+++++++++++++++++++
"The federal government has asked that people not return to New Orleans yet
because the city still is not safe. The government then went on to say the
same thing about Detroit, Cleveland and Newark." - Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
Wedding Report
"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife.
"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said,
'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things
really began to happen fast."
+++++++++++++++++++
THE PHILOSOPHY OF TAXES
Tax his land, tax his pay,
Tax his bed where he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes are the rule.
Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirt,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco, tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze, tax his beers,
If he cries, tax his tears.
Tax his bills, tax his gas,
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more,
Tax him until he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone, we won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!
COMMENTS: Not one of the below taxes existed 100 years ago when there was prosperity, absolutely no national debt, the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened?????
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax,
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service charge taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,
Telephone Federal,
State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage Charge Tax,
Utility Tax,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax.
Saturday, January 06, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 6th
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out
making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran
out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a
block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some
gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned
had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided
not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for
something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her
car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched
from across the street. One of the them turned to the other
and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
+++++++++++++++++++
Watch what you say about me. After all, you're talking about the one I love.
+++++++++++++++++++
New Year’s Recipe
New Year’s lifestyle recipe 4U...
Take 12 whole months. Clean them thoroughly of all bitterness, hate and jealousy. Make them just as fresh and clean as possible.
Now cut each month into 28, 30 or 31 different parts, but don't make up the whole batch at once. Prepare it one day at a time out of these ingredients.
Mix well into each day 1 part of Faith, 1 part of Patience, 1 part of Courage and 1 part of Work.
Add to each day 1 part Hope, Faithfulness, Generosity and Kindness.
Blend with 1 part Prayer, 1 part Meditation and 1 Good Deed.
Season the whole with a dash of Good Spirits, a sprinkle of Fun, a pinch of Play and 1 cup full of Good Humour . Pour all of this into a vessel of Love.
Cook thoroughly over Radiant Joy, garnish with a Smile, and serve with Quietness, Unselfishness, and Cheerfulness.
Makes 1 pleasant year.
+++++++++++++++++++
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the
rule of thumb"
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
-------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour: 61,000
-----------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
--------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day
------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we
know today as the honeymoon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
--------------
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~-------
-------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-------
-------------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of
the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!
making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran
out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a
block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some
gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned
had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided
not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for
something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her
car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched
from across the street. One of the them turned to the other
and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
+++++++++++++++++++
Watch what you say about me. After all, you're talking about the one I love.
+++++++++++++++++++
New Year’s Recipe
New Year’s lifestyle recipe 4U...
Take 12 whole months. Clean them thoroughly of all bitterness, hate and jealousy. Make them just as fresh and clean as possible.
Now cut each month into 28, 30 or 31 different parts, but don't make up the whole batch at once. Prepare it one day at a time out of these ingredients.
Mix well into each day 1 part of Faith, 1 part of Patience, 1 part of Courage and 1 part of Work.
Add to each day 1 part Hope, Faithfulness, Generosity and Kindness.
Blend with 1 part Prayer, 1 part Meditation and 1 Good Deed.
Season the whole with a dash of Good Spirits, a sprinkle of Fun, a pinch of Play and 1 cup full of Good Humour . Pour all of this into a vessel of Love.
Cook thoroughly over Radiant Joy, garnish with a Smile, and serve with Quietness, Unselfishness, and Cheerfulness.
Makes 1 pleasant year.
+++++++++++++++++++
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the
rule of thumb"
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into
the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
-------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $16,400
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour: 61,000
-----------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
--------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
-----
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's Day
------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their
calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we
know today as the honeymoon.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
--------------
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~-------
-------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
-------
-------------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of
the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward
this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9
on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!
Friday, January 05, 2007
hUMOR For Jan 4th
The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in
an eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were
suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup, aren't
they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live
around here."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los
Angeles Dodgers one night. Our seats were right behind the third-base line.
At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball. Miraculously, I
managed to catch it on the fly.
As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turned to me and said,
"That was nice. How many of those do you get a game?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is
all you have done since you graduated." - Erma Bombeck
+++++++++++++++++++
These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high
school essays.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she
was the East River.
- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from
not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a landmine or something.
- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten
to put in any pH cleanser.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.
- Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a
generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band
tightening.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
staple it to the wall.
an eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were
suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup, aren't
they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live
around here."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los
Angeles Dodgers one night. Our seats were right behind the third-base line.
At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball. Miraculously, I
managed to catch it on the fly.
As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turned to me and said,
"That was nice. How many of those do you get a game?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is
all you have done since you graduated." - Erma Bombeck
+++++++++++++++++++
These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high
school essays.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she
was the East River.
- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from
not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a landmine or something.
- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten
to put in any pH cleanser.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.
- Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a
generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band
tightening.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
staple it to the wall.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
hUMOR For Jan 4th
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all
of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells,
"BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you
understand why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Zoo Thank You"
As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the Zoo, Sally occasionally receives thank you notes from members of school groups.
One of her favorites said: "Dear Sally, I am a third grader. I loved all the animals in the zoo. You were the best of all."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
The "problem" with today's society, is that; (no one) knows how, to punctuate correctly, anymore?
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Tigers"
Why does a tiger have stripes?
So he won't be spotted.
+++++++++++++++++++
2007 Contract
After serious and cautious consideration...
your contract of friendship has been
renewed for the year 2007!
It was a very hard decision to make.
So try not to screw it up!!!
My wish for you in 2007
May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become magnets for $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires, may happiness slap you
across the face and may your tears be only those of joy.
May the problems you have forget your home address!
In simple words....
May 2007 be the best year of your life!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
OH DEARA
Hi,
I was shopping at Safeway and noticed a little old lady following me around.
I stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at me.
She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
I answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store", it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom!!"
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me.
Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much??? .. I only bought 5 items!!.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
NOT A VERY NICE JOKE, IS IT??? or is it??
Stuck in Traffic
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of
Washington.
Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his
window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" What's the
hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson,
Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $100 million ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on
fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon. And three people have offered matches!"
of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells,
"BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you
understand why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Zoo Thank You"
As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the Zoo, Sally occasionally receives thank you notes from members of school groups.
One of her favorites said: "Dear Sally, I am a third grader. I loved all the animals in the zoo. You were the best of all."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
The "problem" with today's society, is that; (no one) knows how, to punctuate correctly, anymore?
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Tigers"
Why does a tiger have stripes?
So he won't be spotted.
+++++++++++++++++++
2007 Contract
After serious and cautious consideration...
your contract of friendship has been
renewed for the year 2007!
It was a very hard decision to make.
So try not to screw it up!!!
My wish for you in 2007
May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts.
May the pockets of your jeans become magnets for $100 bills.
May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips!
May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires, may happiness slap you
across the face and may your tears be only those of joy.
May the problems you have forget your home address!
In simple words....
May 2007 be the best year of your life!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
OH DEARA
Hi,
I was shopping at Safeway and noticed a little old lady following me around.
I stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at me.
She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
I answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store", it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom!!"
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me.
Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much??? .. I only bought 5 items!!.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!
+++++++++++++++++++
NOT A VERY NICE JOKE, IS IT??? or is it??
Stuck in Traffic
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of
Washington.
Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his
window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?" What's the
hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson,
Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $100 million ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on
fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon. And three people have offered matches!"
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
hUMOR for Jan. 3rd
The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in
an eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were
suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup, aren't
they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live
around here."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los
Angeles Dodgers one night. Our seats were right behind the third-base line.
At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball. Miraculously, I
managed to catch it on the fly.
As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turned to me and said,
"That was nice. How many of those do you get a game?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is
all you have done since you graduated." - Erma Bombeck
+++++++++++++++++++
These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high
school essays.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she
was the East River.
- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from
not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a landmine or something.
- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten
to put in any pH cleanser.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.
- Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a
generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band
tightening.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
staple it to the wall.
+++++++++++++++++++
Judge-mental Lawyers
Judge not, want not – unless you’re a lawyer…
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. “So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
“You, attorney Memory, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Hargraves, gave me $10,000.”
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a cheque. He handed it to Memory.
“Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Forgive me now, tomorrow I might not feel so guilty.
+++++++++++++++++++
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mother And Child"
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. ''What on earth,'' she inquired of the artist standing nearby, ''is that?''
He smiled condescendingly. ''That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.''
''Well, then,'' snapped the little old lady, "Why isn't it?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Adventures of Ole & Lena
Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart
And fell to the sidewalk.
Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
The Operator said "Where are you?"
Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk
On Eucalyptus Street."
The operator asked, "How do you spell that?"
The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for
Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and
Said, "I dragged her over to Oak Street, that's O-A-K."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them
To Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the
Return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot
Let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
Load and went down a few moments after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any
Idea where we are?"
"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last
Year."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How
Long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"
"Yust a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell," said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll
Yust take DA bus."
+++++++++++++++++++
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had
Charged nonsupport. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your
Wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a
While I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know DA difference
Between a Norwegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," answered Ole.
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he
Grumbled, "Vell, Deere gose five dollars down DA drain for dat
Flight insurance!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if DA turn
Signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No.."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were
Nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling,
Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice
In the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering
His condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, "That's it?
Just 'Ole died.'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like
To say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first
Five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O. K.
You put, Ole died ,. Boat for sale"
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had
Brought along bananas for lunch.
Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long,
Dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.
"No," replied Lars.
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I yust took vun
Bite and vent blind!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks
Later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it "Oh," said Ole, "I
Persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come?" asked Lars.
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't
Sing."
Ole and Len a went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench
A lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter."
+++++++++++++++++++
And dot's enough!!
an eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were
suspicious.
"Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup, aren't
they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live
around here."
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los
Angeles Dodgers one night. Our seats were right behind the third-base line.
At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball. Miraculously, I
managed to catch it on the fly.
As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turned to me and said,
"That was nice. How many of those do you get a game?
+++++++++++++++++++
"Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is
all you have done since you graduated." - Erma Bombeck
+++++++++++++++++++
These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high
school essays.
- John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds who had also never met.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she
was the East River.
- Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel
trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted
shut.
- Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
- The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
- The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from
not eating for a while.
- He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from
stepping on a landmine or something.
- The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids
with power tools.
- He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
- Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten
to put in any pH cleanser.
- She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.
- Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a
generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band
tightening.
- It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
staple it to the wall.
+++++++++++++++++++
Judge-mental Lawyers
Judge not, want not – unless you’re a lawyer…
Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. “So,” he said, “I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe.”
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
“You, attorney Memory, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Hargraves, gave me $10,000.”
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a cheque. He handed it to Memory.
“Now then, I’m returning $5,000, and we’re going to decide this case solely on its merits.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Forgive me now, tomorrow I might not feel so guilty.
+++++++++++++++++++
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mother And Child"
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. ''What on earth,'' she inquired of the artist standing nearby, ''is that?''
He smiled condescendingly. ''That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.''
''Well, then,'' snapped the little old lady, "Why isn't it?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Adventures of Ole & Lena
Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart
And fell to the sidewalk.
Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
The Operator said "Where are you?"
Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk
On Eucalyptus Street."
The operator asked, "How do you spell that?"
The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for
Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and
Said, "I dragged her over to Oak Street, that's O-A-K."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them
To Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the
Return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot
Let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the
Load and went down a few moments after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any
Idea where we are?"
"Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last
Year."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How
Long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?"
"Yust a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell," said Lena, "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll
Yust take DA bus."
+++++++++++++++++++
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had
Charged nonsupport. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your
Wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a
While I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
+++++++++++++++++++
Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know DA difference
Between a Norwegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," answered Ole.
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he
Grumbled, "Vell, Deere gose five dollars down DA drain for dat
Flight insurance!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if DA turn
Signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No.."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were
Nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling,
Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Duluth.
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice
In the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering
His condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, "That's it?
Just 'Ole died.'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like
To say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first
Five words are free. We must say something more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O. K.
You put, Ole died ,. Boat for sale"
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had
Brought along bananas for lunch.
Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long,
Dark tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly.
"No," replied Lars.
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I yust took vun
Bite and vent blind!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks
Later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it "Oh," said Ole, "I
Persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet."
"How come?" asked Lars.
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't
Sing."
Ole and Len a went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench
A lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter."
+++++++++++++++++++
And dot's enough!!
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
hUMOR For Jan 2nd
The old man was always telling his grandson about the good old days, and the
lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a lad," he'd say, "my mom
could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves of
bread and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar."
Then the old man said sadly, "You can't do that any more. Now they've got
those darn video cameras everywhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu
and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny
amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around again before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he
calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an
explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter. "I've brought you
the Peking Duck."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are
'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant'" - Dean Martin
+++++++++++++++++++
I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas
Performed by Gayla Peevey (1953)
Lyrics & Music by John Rox
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do...
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy,
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue,
Just bring him through the front door, that's the easy thing to do.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, no rhinoceruses -
I only like hippopotamuses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian.
There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage,
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, or rhinoceruseses -
I only like hippopotamuseses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
+++++++++++++++++++
50th Anniversary Gift of Travel
Special timeless Anniversary gift for those that matter...
With a couple celebrating their 50th Anniversary at the Church's marriage marathon, the Pastor asked Bob to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all those years.
The husband replied to the congregation, “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The Pastor inquired, “trips to where?”
“For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”
The Pastor then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands Bob! Please tell the congregation what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th Anniversary?”
Bob replied, “I'm going to go get her.”
lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a lad," he'd say, "my mom
could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves of
bread and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar."
Then the old man said sadly, "You can't do that any more. Now they've got
those darn video cameras everywhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu
and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny
amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around again before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he
calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an
explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter. "I've brought you
the Peking Duck."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are
'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant'" - Dean Martin
+++++++++++++++++++
I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas
Performed by Gayla Peevey (1953)
Lyrics & Music by John Rox
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do...
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy,
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue,
Just bring him through the front door, that's the easy thing to do.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, no rhinoceruses -
I only like hippopotamuses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian.
There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage,
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, or rhinoceruseses -
I only like hippopotamuseses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
+++++++++++++++++++
50th Anniversary Gift of Travel
Special timeless Anniversary gift for those that matter...
With a couple celebrating their 50th Anniversary at the Church's marriage marathon, the Pastor asked Bob to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all those years.
The husband replied to the congregation, “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The Pastor inquired, “trips to where?”
“For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”
The Pastor then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands Bob! Please tell the congregation what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th Anniversary?”
Bob replied, “I'm going to go get her.”
Monday, January 01, 2007
hUMOR For Jan. 1st
Quit Smoking Resolution
New Year’s resolution to kick a smoking habit…
A young man at a New Year’s Eve party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.
“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” his friend says.
“I’m in the process of quitting,” the man says. “Right now, I’m in the middle of phase one. I’ve quit buying.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Nothing To Correct on New Year’s Day
Looking for flaws to correct this New Year’s Day?
On New Year’s Day, some years ago,
I swore off alcohol;
And, one year later, I eschewed
Pipes, cigarettes, et al.
The next, I quit profanity
As something not too nice.
And then abandoned slot machines,
Card games, roulette and dice.
Thus curing faults each year, I reached
A state of such perfection
That I have not a single flaw
Now calling for correction.
But New Year’s Day is now for me
A ruined Institution;
For what is New Year’s Day without
A New Year’s resolution?
+++++++++++++++++++
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests,
would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own
hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a
response to equal four-year old David's comment.
She tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart.
"Listen, she said, what do you suppose that is?"
He looked up at her, puzzled. Then his face broke out in a happy grin and
asked, "Is that Jesus knocking?"
+++++++++++++++++++
While at church attending Sunday services, an elderly couple had the
following whispered conversation.
"I just silently passed some gas, what do you think I should do?" asked the
wife.
He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing-aid."
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot regularly does not
lead to harder drugs. In fact the study shows that smoking pot regularly
does not lead to doing much of anything." - Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
A little late, but………………………
A Letter from Santa
Dear Vernie,
I am writing in reply to your letter dated November 18th of this year. I
will start by saying that future correspondence regarding Christmas requests
should be postmarked before midnight on November 15th to insure
consideration before December 24th. Please keep in mind that this is a busy
time of year for my staff and myself and we like to have all orders filled
before our November 15th deadline as we begin loading the sleigh on the
16th.
Your request to have "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" cannot be
processed at this time. I am but one man and as "magical" as I am, this is
not a request that I can fulfill. I do not have any pull at the United
Nations or NATO and I am not in the business of enforcing peace throughout
the world. I can assure you however, that any persons involved in the act of
prohibiting "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" will receive sticks
for Christmas. Coal is no longer distributed as it is now a valued commodity
and distribution of this substance could be construed as a true and real
gift.
In the future, please limit your requests to tangible items, i.e., bicycles,
candy, rocking horses etc. Because there is limited space on the sled and
because the sled is only powered by eight tiny reindeer, I respectfully ask
that you not request new cars or houses as these requests will not be
granted. I hope you understand that I must be able to fit gifts for the
entire world into the sled.
Also, requests for cash will not be granted. The items I deliver are
handmade by elves and it would be in violation of the laws of all nations to
manufacture currency. I'm sure you realize that I am not going to put my
staff or myself in a position that would result in incarceration.
If you would like to submit a revised request, please feel free to do so.
All requests are honored on a first come, first serve basis and will be
filled only if time permits. If your request cannot be accommodated this
season, it will be submitted at the top of next season's list.
Have a very Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho,
Santa Clause
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. We couldn't afford tinsel.
We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Top Ten Gift Comments"
What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don't Like*.
10. "Well, well, well, now, there's a gift!"
9. "No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!"
8. "Hey, as long as I don't have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I'm happy!"
7. "No, really, I didn't know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It's a clip-on too!"
6. "You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory -- what's it called again?"
5. "You know what? -- I'm going to find a special place to put this!"
4. "Boy, you don't see craftsmanship like that every day!"
3. "And it's such an interesting color too!"
2. "You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!"
And the number one thing to say about the Christmas gifts you didn't like is: "You shouldn't have! I mean it -- you really shouldn't have!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"There's only two more days to procrastinate before Christmas."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Drinks"
Physiology: The study of carbonated drinks.
New Year’s resolution to kick a smoking habit…
A young man at a New Year’s Eve party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.
“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” his friend says.
“I’m in the process of quitting,” the man says. “Right now, I’m in the middle of phase one. I’ve quit buying.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Nothing To Correct on New Year’s Day
Looking for flaws to correct this New Year’s Day?
On New Year’s Day, some years ago,
I swore off alcohol;
And, one year later, I eschewed
Pipes, cigarettes, et al.
The next, I quit profanity
As something not too nice.
And then abandoned slot machines,
Card games, roulette and dice.
Thus curing faults each year, I reached
A state of such perfection
That I have not a single flaw
Now calling for correction.
But New Year’s Day is now for me
A ruined Institution;
For what is New Year’s Day without
A New Year’s resolution?
+++++++++++++++++++
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests,
would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own
hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a
response to equal four-year old David's comment.
She tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart.
"Listen, she said, what do you suppose that is?"
He looked up at her, puzzled. Then his face broke out in a happy grin and
asked, "Is that Jesus knocking?"
+++++++++++++++++++
While at church attending Sunday services, an elderly couple had the
following whispered conversation.
"I just silently passed some gas, what do you think I should do?" asked the
wife.
He replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing-aid."
+++++++++++++++++++
"According to a new study that just came out, smoking pot regularly does not
lead to harder drugs. In fact the study shows that smoking pot regularly
does not lead to doing much of anything." - Conan O'Brien
+++++++++++++++++++
A little late, but………………………
A Letter from Santa
Dear Vernie,
I am writing in reply to your letter dated November 18th of this year. I
will start by saying that future correspondence regarding Christmas requests
should be postmarked before midnight on November 15th to insure
consideration before December 24th. Please keep in mind that this is a busy
time of year for my staff and myself and we like to have all orders filled
before our November 15th deadline as we begin loading the sleigh on the
16th.
Your request to have "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" cannot be
processed at this time. I am but one man and as "magical" as I am, this is
not a request that I can fulfill. I do not have any pull at the United
Nations or NATO and I am not in the business of enforcing peace throughout
the world. I can assure you however, that any persons involved in the act of
prohibiting "peace on Earth and goodwill towards men" will receive sticks
for Christmas. Coal is no longer distributed as it is now a valued commodity
and distribution of this substance could be construed as a true and real
gift.
In the future, please limit your requests to tangible items, i.e., bicycles,
candy, rocking horses etc. Because there is limited space on the sled and
because the sled is only powered by eight tiny reindeer, I respectfully ask
that you not request new cars or houses as these requests will not be
granted. I hope you understand that I must be able to fit gifts for the
entire world into the sled.
Also, requests for cash will not be granted. The items I deliver are
handmade by elves and it would be in violation of the laws of all nations to
manufacture currency. I'm sure you realize that I am not going to put my
staff or myself in a position that would result in incarceration.
If you would like to submit a revised request, please feel free to do so.
All requests are honored on a first come, first serve basis and will be
filled only if time permits. If your request cannot be accommodated this
season, it will be submitted at the top of next season's list.
Have a very Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho,
Santa Clause
+++++++++++++++++++
When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. We couldn't afford tinsel.
We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Top Ten Gift Comments"
What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don't Like*.
10. "Well, well, well, now, there's a gift!"
9. "No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!"
8. "Hey, as long as I don't have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I'm happy!"
7. "No, really, I didn't know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It's a clip-on too!"
6. "You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory -- what's it called again?"
5. "You know what? -- I'm going to find a special place to put this!"
4. "Boy, you don't see craftsmanship like that every day!"
3. "And it's such an interesting color too!"
2. "You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!"
And the number one thing to say about the Christmas gifts you didn't like is: "You shouldn't have! I mean it -- you really shouldn't have!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"There's only two more days to procrastinate before Christmas."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Drinks"
Physiology: The study of carbonated drinks.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 31st
The old man was always telling his grandson about the good old days, and the
lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a lad," he'd say, "my mom
could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves of
bread and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar."
Then the old man said sadly, "You can't do that any more. Now they've got
those darn video cameras everywhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu
and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny
amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around again before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he
calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an
explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter. "I've brought you
the Peking Duck."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are
'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant'" - Dean Martin
+++++++++++++++++++
I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas
Performed by Gayla Peevey (1953)
Lyrics & Music by John Rox
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do...
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy,
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue,
Just bring him through the front door, that's the easy thing to do.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, no rhinoceruses -
I only like hippopotamuses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian.
There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage,
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, or rhinoceruseses -
I only like hippopotamuseses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
+++++++++++++++++++
50th Anniversary Gift of Travel
Special timeless Anniversary gift for those that matter...
With a couple celebrating their 50th Anniversary at the Church's marriage marathon, the Pastor asked Bob to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all those years.
The husband replied to the congregation, “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The Pastor inquired, “trips to where?”
“For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”
The Pastor then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands Bob! Please tell the congregation what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th Anniversary?”
Bob replied, “I'm going to go get her.”
lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a lad," he'd say, "my mom
could send me to the store and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6
oranges, 2 loaves of
bread and a magazine, some new blue jeans, all for a dollar."
Then the old man said sadly, "You can't do that any more. Now they've got
those darn video cameras everywhere."
+++++++++++++++++++
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some
deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu
and finally agree to share the chef's special, "Chicken Surprise."
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as
the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny
amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two beady little eyes
looking around again before it firmly slams back down. Rather perturbed he
calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an
explanation.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"
"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
"Oh I do apologize, this is my fault," says the waiter. "I've brought you
the Peking Duck."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are
'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant'" - Dean Martin
+++++++++++++++++++
I Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas
Performed by Gayla Peevey (1953)
Lyrics & Music by John Rox
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do...
Don't want a doll, no dinky Tinker Toy,
I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?
He won't have to use our dirty chimney flue,
Just bring him through the front door, that's the easy thing to do.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, no rhinoceruses -
I only like hippopotamuses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian.
There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage,
I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage.
I can see me now on Christmas morning,
Creeping down the stairs,
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas -
Only a hippopotamus will do;
No crocodiles, or rhinoceruseses -
I only like hippopotamuseses...
And hippopotamuses like me too!
+++++++++++++++++++
50th Anniversary Gift of Travel
Special timeless Anniversary gift for those that matter...
With a couple celebrating their 50th Anniversary at the Church's marriage marathon, the Pastor asked Bob to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all those years.
The husband replied to the congregation, “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”
The Pastor inquired, “trips to where?”
“For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”
The Pastor then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands Bob! Please tell the congregation what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th Anniversary?”
Bob replied, “I'm going to go get her.”
Saturday, December 30, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 30th
Good Singer"
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."
Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Lost Jewelry"
What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?
A diamond in the rough.
+++++++++++++++++++
Top 10 Signs You Are An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
2. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
... and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two words: "Pizza's here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Guarantee!
A man had just arrived home after the successful implantation of a pacemaker.
Reading through the literature, he was delighted to learn that the
instrument carried a lifetime guarantee.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wisdom from Grandpa .......
W hether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts whenthey try to decide which one.!
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to thewashin', ironin',! cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."
Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Lost Jewelry"
What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?
A diamond in the rough.
+++++++++++++++++++
Top 10 Signs You Are An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
2. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
... and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two words: "Pizza's here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Guarantee!
A man had just arrived home after the successful implantation of a pacemaker.
Reading through the literature, he was delighted to learn that the
instrument carried a lifetime guarantee.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wisdom from Grandpa .......
W hether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts whenthey try to decide which one.!
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to thewashin', ironin',! cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.
Friday, December 29, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 29th
"Kind Word"
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's the kind word?"
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Have you ever had the experience of parking in a one-hour zone, inserting the coins, than finding yourself, forty-five minutes later, still in line at the bank? At such times, you might suddenly find religion, and fervently pray that you will make your meter."
- Victor Blume
+++++++++++++++++++
"Visitation"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill.
After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."
"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying."
+++++++++++++++++++
As I pulled into the parking lot at the grocery store, I noticed a car with
its headlights on. I jotted down the make, color and license number.
Inside the store I joined the line at the information desk, and when it was
my turn, I told the clerk that there was a green Ford in the parking lot
that had its lights on and gave her the license number.
"Thank you," she replied, and went on to another customer.
The gentleman next to me asked her indignantly, "Aren't you going to
announce it?"
"There's no need," she replied sheepishly. "That's my car."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Dangling Participle Alert:
The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing
about 150 pounds.
The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr.
Hannon, who died June 19, to accommodate his relatives.
Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud
that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,
outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year old that was
trying to force feed it in his ear.
We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows
playing Scrabble and reading.
Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants
armed only with spears.
+++++++++++++++++++
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's the kind word?"
The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Have you ever had the experience of parking in a one-hour zone, inserting the coins, than finding yourself, forty-five minutes later, still in line at the bank? At such times, you might suddenly find religion, and fervently pray that you will make your meter."
- Victor Blume
+++++++++++++++++++
"Visitation"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill.
After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."
"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said, "I can do my own praying."
+++++++++++++++++++
As I pulled into the parking lot at the grocery store, I noticed a car with
its headlights on. I jotted down the make, color and license number.
Inside the store I joined the line at the information desk, and when it was
my turn, I told the clerk that there was a green Ford in the parking lot
that had its lights on and gave her the license number.
"Thank you," she replied, and went on to another customer.
The gentleman next to me asked her indignantly, "Aren't you going to
announce it?"
"There's no need," she replied sheepishly. "That's my car."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Dangling Participle Alert:
The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing
about 150 pounds.
The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr.
Hannon, who died June 19, to accommodate his relatives.
Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud
that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,
outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year old that was
trying to force feed it in his ear.
We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows
playing Scrabble and reading.
Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants
armed only with spears.
+++++++++++++++++++
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Thursday, December 28, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 28th
Good Singer"
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."
Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Lost Jewelry"
What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?
A diamond in the rough.
+++++++++++++++++++
Top 10 Signs You Are An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
2. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
... and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two words: "Pizza's here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Guarantee!
A man had just arrived home after the successful implantation of a pacemaker.
Reading through the literature, he was delighted to learn that the
instrument carried a lifetime guarantee.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wisdom from Grandpa .......
W hether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts whenthey try to decide which one.!
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to thewashin', ironin',! cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."
Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Lost Jewelry"
What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?
A diamond in the rough.
+++++++++++++++++++
Top 10 Signs You Are An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
2. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
... and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two words: "Pizza's here."
+++++++++++++++++++
Great Guarantee!
A man had just arrived home after the successful implantation of a pacemaker.
Reading through the literature, he was delighted to learn that the
instrument carried a lifetime guarantee.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wisdom from Grandpa .......
W hether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts whenthey try to decide which one.!
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to thewashin', ironin',! cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
hUMOR For Dec. 27th
VIP Impression
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large
manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some
visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All
production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to
quickly tidy up the work place.
When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers
that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in
unison and blew every fuse in the building.
+++++++++++++++++++
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with
was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took
out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush,
"Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
+++++++++++++++++++
It is widely known that I am not the greatest cook in the world. In fact,
it is very rare that I ever even really cook anything. However, I did find
a recipe that even I was able to master. When I found this recipe I thought
it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when
poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and
pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the
neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the
chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the
room, it's done.
+++++++++++++++++++
I've been collecting compliments all my life. So far I have three.
+++++++++++++++++++
Build It and They Will Come
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have
thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite
and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she
asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ...
(This one is worth passing on.)
This one is for everyone who ..
A) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid e) is going to have
Kids.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having A wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at
This," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in My mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed Staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large
manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some
visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All
production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to
quickly tidy up the work place.
When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers
that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in
unison and blew every fuse in the building.
+++++++++++++++++++
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with
was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took
out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush,
"Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
+++++++++++++++++++
It is widely known that I am not the greatest cook in the world. In fact,
it is very rare that I ever even really cook anything. However, I did find
a recipe that even I was able to master. When I found this recipe I thought
it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when
poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and
pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the
neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the
chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the
room, it's done.
+++++++++++++++++++
I've been collecting compliments all my life. So far I have three.
+++++++++++++++++++
Build It and They Will Come
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have
thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite
and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she
asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS ...
(This one is worth passing on.)
This one is for everyone who ..
A) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid e) is going to have
Kids.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having A wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at
This," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in My mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed Staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
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