hUMOR For Dec. 13th

Pet Rules

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for
it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball
when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom
for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's
butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on
our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.

And finally,

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
+++++++++++++++++++
The Painting

Years ago, there was a very wealthy man who, with his devoted young
son, shared a passion for art collecting. Together they traveled
around the world, adding only the finest art treasures to their
collection. Priceless works by Picasso, Van Gogh, Monet and many
others adorned the walls of the family estate. The widowed elder man
looked on with satisfaction, as his only child became an experienced
art collector. The son's trained eye and sharp business mind caused
his father to beam with pride as they dealt with art collectors round
the world.

As winter approached, war engulfed the nation and the young man left
to serve his country. After only a few short weeks, his father
received a telegram. His beloved son was missing in action. The art
collector anxiously awaited more news, fearing he would never see his
son again. Within days, his fears were confirmed. The young man had
died while rushing a fellow soldier to a medic.

Distraught and lonely, the old man faced the upcoming Christmas
holidays with anguish and sadness. The joy of the season - a season
that he and his son had so looked forward to - would visit his house no longer.

On Christmas morning, a knock on the door awakened the depressed old
man. As he walked to the door, the masterpieces of art on the walls
only reminded him that his son was not coming home. As he opened the
door, he was greeted by a soldier with a large package in his hand.
He introduced himself to the man by saying, "I was a friend of your
son. I was the one he was rescuing when he died. May I come in for a
few moments? I have something to show you."

As the two began to talk, the soldier told of how the man's son had
told every one of his - not to mention his father's - love of fine
art. "I'm an artist," said the soldier, "and I want to give you
this." As the old man unwrapped the package, the paper gave way to
reveal a portrait of the man's son. Though the world would never
consider it the work of a genius, the painting featured the young
man's face in striking detail.

Overcome with emotion, the man thanked the soldier, promising to hang
the picture above the fireplace.

A few hours later, after the soldier had departed, the old man set
about his task. True to his word, the painting went above the
fireplace, pushing aside thousands of dollars of paintings. And then
the man sat in his chair and spent Christmas gazing at the gift he
had been given.

During the days and weeks that followed, the man realized that even
though his son was no longer with him, the boy's life would live on
because of those he had touched.

He would soon learn that his son had rescued dozens of wounded
soldiers before a bullet stilled his caring heart. As the stories of
his son's gallantry continued to reach him, fatherly pride and
satisfaction began to ease the grief.

The painting of his son soon became his most prized possession, far
eclipsing any interest in the pieces for which museums around the
world clamored. He told his neighbors it was the greatest gift he had
ever received.

The following spring, the old man became ill and passed way. The art
world was in anticipation. With the collector's passing, and his only
son dead, those paintings would be sold at an auction. According to
the will of the old man, all of the art works would be auctioned on
Christmas day, the day he had received his greatest gift. The day
soon arrived and art collectors from around the world gathered to bid
on some of the world's most spectacular paintings.

Dreams would be fulfilled this day; greatness would be achieved as
many would claim "I have the greatest collection." The auction began
with a painting that was not on any museum's list. It was the
painting of the man's son. The auctioneer asked for an opening bid.
The room was silent. "Who will open the bidding with $100?" he asked.

Minutes passed. No one spoke. From the back of the room came, "Who
cares about that painting? It's just a picture of his son. Let's
forget it and go on to the good stuff." More voices echoed in
agreement. "No, we have to sell this one first," replied the auctioneer.

"Now, who will take the son?" Finally, a friend of the old man spoke.
"Will you take ten dollars for the painting? That's all I have. I
knew the boy, so I'd like to have it."

"I have ten dollars. Will anyone go higher?" called the auctioneer.
After more silence, the auctioneer said, "Going once, going twice.
Gone." The gavel fell.

Cheers filled the room and someone exclaimed, "Now we can get on with
it and we can bid on these treasures!"

The auctioneer looked at the audience and announced the auction was
over. Stunned disbelief quieted the room. Someone spoke up and
asked, "What do you mean it's over?
We didn't come here for a picture of some old guy's son. What about
all of these paintings? There are millions of dollars of art here! I
demand that you explain what's going on here!"

The auctioneer replied, "It's very simple. According to the will of
the father, whoever takes the son ... gets it all."
+++++++++++++++++++
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and
can't get through to enquiries. Can you help?" Operator:
"Where did you get that number from, sir?" Customer: "It was
on the door to the Travel Centre." Operator: "Sir, they are
our opening hours."

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have
just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back
two weeks, will I have my file back again?"

Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone
number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't
understand who you are talking about." Caller: "On page 1,
section 5, of the user guide, it clearly states that I need
to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?" Operator: "I think you mean the telephone
socket on the wall."

RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown
Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling
in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to
change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in
Cardiff, please." Operator: "I'm sorry, but there's no
listing. Is the spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to
be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the 'B' fell off."

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company
in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes.
That's what it says on the label: Woven in Scotland."

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds
from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a
pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."

hUMOR For Dec. 12th

I bought my friend some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap
counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so he'd know when
to stop unwrapping.

+++++++++++++++++++
Burger joint conversations nationwide
M.I.T.: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."
"Have some fries."

Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
"Cool! Me too! Have some fries."

Swarthmore: "I got a B."
"Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."

Princeton: "My father took away my Porsche this weekend."
"Poor dear. Have some Escargot."

Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?"
"Nope. Have some fries."

Williams: "Don't I know you?"
"Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."

Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."
"Bummer. Have some fries."

Columbia: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's go get shot."

Penn: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."

Stanford: "Dude, I have so much work this weekend."
"Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries."

Dartmouth: "Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend."
"Have some beer."

Tufts: "I wish I were Ivy League."
"Here, drink the fry grease."
+++++++++++++++++++
Spoofs on college names
In each of these examples, the actual name of the college is written first. Then, after each, spoofs are written about each college name.

Auburn University.
Brown University.
Chrome Yellow University.
Neon Pink University.

Northern Illinois University.
Southern Illinois University.
Eastern Illinois University.
Western Illinois University.
Northeastern Illinois University.
Northwestern Illinois University.
Southeastern Illinois University.
Southwestern Illinois University.
North-by-Northwestern Illinois University.

Yale University.
Cole University.
Weiser University.
Kwikset University.

Harvey Mudd College.
Roger Mudd College.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd College.
My Name Is Mudd College.

King's College.
Queen's College.
Jack's College (formerly Knave's College).
Ten's College.
Ace's College.

Texas A&I University.
Texas A&M University.
North Carolina A&T University.
Tennessee C&W University.
Michigan R&B University.
New Jersey M&M University.
San Francisco S&M University.

Governors State University.
Lieutenant-Governors State University.
Secretaries of State State University.
State Comptrollers State University.

University of Tennessee Space Institute.
University of Southwestern Arkansas Cosmic Realms Institute.
Elroy Jetson Space Magic Institute.

Lawrence Livermore National Labs.
Lawrence Berkeley National Labs.
Lawrence Olivier National Labs.
Lawrence of Arabia National Labs.
Lawrence Welk National Labs.

Argonne National Labs.
Kryptonne National Labs.
Xenonne National Labs.
Radonne National Labs.

Concordia University.
Discordia University.
Misericordia University.

University of Wisconsin - Madison.
University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee.
University of Wisconsin - River Falls.
University of Wisconsin - Stout.
University of Wisconsin - Porter.
University of Wisconsin - Malt Liquor.
University of Wisconsin - Night Train.
University of Wisconsin - Everclear.

Purdue University.
Louis Rich University.
Hormel University.
Oscar Mayer University.

Drexel University.
Ethan Allen University.
Seidel University.
La-Z-Boy University.

George Washington University.
James Madison University.
Chester A. Arthur University.
Millard Fillmore University.
Spiro T. Agnew University.
J. Danforth Quayle University.

McMaster University.
McSlave University.
McTop University.
McBottom University.

Wright State University.
Wrong State University.
Altered State University.
UnState University.
Out of State University.

McGill University.
McScale University.
McFin University.
McTail University.
McOperculum University.

McNeese State University.
McNeffew State University.
McAuntt State University.
McUnccle State University.

Seton Hall University.
Seton Vestibule University.
Seton Bathroom University.
Seton Bedroom University.

Sam Houston State University.
Sam Walton State University.
Sam I Am State University.
Son of Sam State University.

South Dakota School of Mines and Technology.
Colorado School of Mines.
Wyoming School of Ditches.
Montana School of Holes in the Ground.

BU.
BYU.
NYU.
BYOB.

Clemson University.
Jebson University.
Abnerson University.
DaisyMaeson University.

Clarkson University.
Loisson University.
Jimmyson University.

Stephen F. Austin State University.
Steve Austin State University.
Bionic Woman State University.

Tufts University.
Locks University.
Bald Spot University.

Tulane University.
Forlane University.
Atelane University.

Baruch College.
The Weizmann Institute.
Hofstra University.
Brandeis University.
Carasso University.

Emory University.
Nail Clippor University.
Polish Removor University.

Fordham University.
Chryslerporkshoulder University.
Generalmotorspigsfeet University.

Universite' de Montre'al.
Universite' Laval.
Universite' Trudeau.
Universite' Mulroney.

University of Central Florida.
University of EPCOT Center.
University of Disney World.

Bowie State University.
Butcher State University.
Ginsu State University.
Swiss Army State University.

Angelo State University.
Giuseppe State University.
Mario State University.
Cosa Nostra State University.

Mitsubishi Information Technology Labs.
NEC Research Institute.

Florida Atlantic University.
Florida Pacific University.
Florida Indian University.
Florida Arctic University.

Carnegie Mellon University.
Carnegie Cucummber University.
Carnegie Zucchinni University.

College of William and Mary.
College of Bonnie and Clyde.
College of George and Gracie.
College of Frankie and Johnny.
College of Jimmy and Rosalyn.
College of Ronnie and Nancy.
College of Andy and Fergie.

Cornell University.
Wheatell University.
Barleyell University.
Buckwheatell University.

Dartmouth University.
Dartnostril University.
Dartrectum University.

Duke University.
Viscount University.
Baronet University.
Knight University.
Commoner University.

Ferris State University.
Roller Coaster State University.

Florida International University.
Florida National University.
Florida State University.
Florida County University.
Florida Local University.
Florida Neighborhood University.
Florida Backyard University.
Florida Garage University.

Grand Valley State University.
Small Valley State University.
Piffling Little Valley State University.
Large Flood Plain State University.

Hunter College.
Fisherman College.
Camper College.
Backpacker College.

Lehigh University.
Lelow University.
Leinbetween University.

Colgate University.
Crest University.
Gleem University.
Close-Up University.
Pearl Drops Tooth Polish University.

Nova University.
Duster University.
Pinto University.
Super Beetle University.

Old Dominion University.
New Dominion University.
Dominions, Principalities, and Powers University.
Mark-Jason Dominionus University.

IBM T. J. Watson Research Center.
IBM T. J. Hooker Research Center.
IBM J. T. Kirk Research Center.

Southern Methodist University.
Southern Baptist University.
Primitive Baptist University.
Holy Roller University.

Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Daisy-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Delphinium-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Chrysanthemum-Hulman Institute of Technology.

Our Lady of the Angels College.
Our Lady of the Elms College.
Our Lady of the Night College.

Prentiss Normal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Interior Decoration Institute.

Grinnell College.
Smilell College.
Smirkell College.

Dalhousie University.
Sandboxie University.
Playgroundequipmentie University.

Simon Fraser University.
Simon Magus University.
Simon Templar University.
Simon Legree University.

Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Dominican College.
Illinois Trappist College.
Illinois Carthusian College.

Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Benedictine and Brandy College.
Illinois Drambuie College.
Illinois Grand Marnier College.

Kent State University.
Winston State University.
Marlboro State University.
Camel Wides State University.

College of Wooster.
College of Jeeves.
College of Pinker.
College of Fink-Nottle.

Villanova University.
Bossa Nova University.
Chevy Nova University.

Slippery Rock State College.
Crocodile Rock State College.
Jailhouse Rock State College.
Rock Around the Clock State College.
Go Crawl Under a Rock State College.

Smith College.
Jones College.
John Doe College.
John Q. Public College.

Sarah Lawrence College.
Sarah Bernhardt College.
Sarah Jane Smith College.
Sara Lee College.

Holy Apostles College.
Holy Names College.
Holy Family College.
Holy Toledo College.

Sweet Briar College.
Sweet and Sour Briar College.
Twice Cooked Briar College.
Szechwan Briar With Hot Bean Curd and Crispy Noodles College.

Grambling State University.
Smroking State University.
Drrinking State University.
Whroring State University.

Creighton University.
Cardboard Bachson University.
Shipping Contaigneron University.
Mailing Tyoobon University.

Worcester Polytechnic Institute.
Teriyaki Polytechnic Institute.
Soy Polytechnic Institute.
A-1 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Heinz 57 Steak Polytechnic Institute.

Case Western Reserve University.
Case Eastern Loquacity University.
Case Southern Charm University.
Case Midwestern Folksiness University.

Tuskegee Institute.
Hornegee Institute.
Antleregee Institute.

Oberlin College.
Oberkellner College.
Oberkommando College.
Oberbuergermeister College.

Millikin University.
Rutherferd University.
Schroedingor University.
Einsteen University.

Bowling Green State University.
Bowling Alley State University.
Bowling Pin State University.
Bowling Jacket State University.
Bowling Shoes State University.
Bowling Trophy State University.

Bob Jones University.
Bob Hope University.
Bob Barker University.
Bob Newhart University.
Bob Evans Restaurant University.
J. R. "Bob" Dobbs University.

Open Bible College.
Closed Bible College.
Open Just a Crack Bible College.
Liberty Baptist College.
Equality Baptist College.
Fraternity Baptist College.
French Revolutionary Baptist College.

hUMOR For Dec. 11th

"The Innkeepers Top 10 Excuses…"
The Innkeepers Top 10 Excuses...
10. Roman's "Stay Free" promotion a bit too successful.
9. Wife said he couldn't accept olive wood carvings as payment anymore.
8. Too busy getting new "Motel One" franchise going.
7. Last pregnant lady riding a donkey took all their towels.
6. Filled up for the "Caesar Impersonators'" convention.
5. Didn't accept the Judean Express Card.
4. Last room left was by the ice machine.
3. Nazareth Shriners tore up the place the night before.
2. Closed front desk early to take family to watch unique star.
1. No last names, no service.

+++++++++++++++++++
A church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally
recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members
protested that a more
experienced man would have been preferable.

Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might
breathe fresh life into the congregation. At the
end of the meeting, one commented to another, older member, that this marked
the beginning of better things for their church.

"Yes," the elder said with a wry smile. "Looks like we're moving on to
greener pastors."

+++++++++++++++++++
After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell
asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning.

"It's twenty to seven," she called.

"In whose favor?"

+++++++++++++++++++
"The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own
way." - Josh Billings

hUMOR For Dec. 10th

"Tree Faller"
While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.
"What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.
"He fell out of a tree," I reported.
The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.
"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service."
Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'expert.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"When there are too many cooks in the kitchen, the chef will walk out."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Marriage Vows"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Ken and Marjorie finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library.
"You know," said Marjorie, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humour to the occasion."
+++++++++++++++++++
I recently found this great website that conducts cyber garage sales. You
list your stuff you want to sell or buy in the subject line of an email,
send it off and wait for a response.

Recently, I sent a note saying I was in the market for three particular
items. In short order, I got three responses. However, nobody had any of the
items I'd listed. But they all found what I'd written amusing. "Wanted -
envelopes, piano bench and one night stand."
+++++++++++++++++++
An engineer, my husband often needs to study the shapes of human body parts
to make sure equipment for magnetic resonance imaging is properly designed.
Desperately searching for a model to use for a breast coil he was working
on, he went to a department store and requested bras in sizes 34A to 40C.

"Which one is for your wife?" asked the confused clerk.

He shook his head. "None of them."

"Really?" she said. "You're worse than I thought."
+++++++++++++++++++
"I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I
must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and
she said, 'Because I'm your father.'" - Dave George

hUMOR For Dec. 9th

Votive Candles

Visiting St Patrick's Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my
daughter and her children were awed by the sight.

The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my
daughter asked if they'd each like to light one - which they did. She
explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks,
and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles.

"Do you have any questions?" she asked.

"No," said the five-year-old, "but if there's a pony outside, it's mine."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Prescription Worries"
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Nutrition Facts are too depressing - how about some Nutrition Fiction?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Texas Banter"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When I attended a convention once of oil men, the first speaker was from Texas. He rambled on about nonsense for a good half hour and then introduced the next gent, who happened to be from Oklahoma. The Texan ended his introduction with, "Now I give you Mr. Murcer from Oklahoma, an outlying province of Texas."
With that, Mr. Murcer began his speech, "Thank you, Mr. Smithson, but, just to set the record straight. There ain't no state that can out-lie Texas."
+++++++++++++++++++
I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I
got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start
exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired
for an hour. But by the time I got my leotards on, the class
was over.

----------

A reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do
you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter
asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

----------

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own
Easter eggs.

----------

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to
the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your
husband?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied. "Two years older than I am."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"

----------

I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip
replacement, and new knees. Fought prostate cancer and
diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a
jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me
dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
my friends. But, thankfully, I still have my driver's
license.

----------

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her
preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why
Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week."

----------

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's
not as sharp as it used to be.

----------

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

+++++++++++++++++++
"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for
Christmas." - Johnny Carson
+++++++++++++++++++
The following comes from Anthony’s Air Force but somehow sounds strangely familiar.

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the gripe sheet what remedial action was taken. The pilot then previews the form before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and solutions recorded by the engineers.

(P = the problem logged by the pilot S = the solution and action taken by the mechanics)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on backorder

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground

P: Evidence of leak on main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to a more believable level

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That is what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you are right

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search!

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed

P: Noise coming out from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

hUMOR For Dec. 8th

Construction Noise

During a beautiful spring afternoon, I was attending a music
festival. Just as I stopped to listen to a folk singer, a group of
exhibitors, dragging out tools and sawhorses, began setting up their
display booth nearby. All their shouting and hammering made it
difficult to enjoy the music. The noise they made got louder and even
more obnoxious and intrusive as time went on.

Finally, to everyone's relief, they completed the construction.

As a finishing touch, they hung a sign on their booth. It read
"Silent Auction."
+++++++++++++++++++
Back in Kentucky, you didn't see too many people
hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a
hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after
struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He
takes off running and reaches the edge--and into the wind he
goes!

Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing
talkin' about the good ol' days when Maw spots the biggest
bird she had ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird,
Paw!" she exclaims. Paw straightens up and says, "Git my
gun, Maw."

She runs into the house and brings out his pump shotgun. He
takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The
monster-size bird continues to sail silently over the tree
tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
+++++++++++++++++++
A redneck girl went on a trip to Italy with her father. When they returned
from their tour, she informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities,
but most of all he loved Venice.

"Venice, huh?" said the friend. "I can understand why your father would like
Venice with its gondolas and all."

"Oh, no," the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked it best
because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."
+++++++++++++++++++
A young soldier was stationed at Myrtle Beach, S.C. He spent his spare time
fishing in the backwaters of the Intercostals Waterway. Soon he became a
guide of sorts for some senior noncommissioned officers. Once, a chief
master sergeant hooked a 20-pond striped bass. After he reeled the fish onto
the boat, he slipped the hook out of its mouth and released it back into the
water.

He noticed a puzzled look on the face of the young soldier. He explained,
"Rank does have its privileges. I can't keep a fish that has more stripes
than I do."
+++++++++++++++++++
"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that
seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she
has any cute friends." - Scott Ostler
+++++++++++++++++++
They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for the church ladies who type them. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be cycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment And gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
+++++++++++++++++++
THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW, AND SHOULD KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of
cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on
hemp (marijuana) paper.

3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne
will bounce up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the
top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of
Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were
misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who
had red eyes. He was
albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the
wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother
and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous
system; a few ounces will
kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing
up into the shark's
stomach from underneath, causing the shark to
explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales. (eeww)

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland
because he doesn't wear
pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper'
and 'lower' because in
the time when all original print had to be set in
individual letters, the
upper case' letters were stored in the case on top
of the case that stored
the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and
draw with the other at
the same time; hence, multi-tasking was invented.

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out
during World War II
were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling
casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter
Pan; there was never a
recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme
with: orange, purple,
and silver!

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it
took him 10 years to
paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make
it instantly go mad
and sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original
"Halloween" was a
Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four
pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in
coins without being
able to make change for a dollar.

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your
back, you can't sink in
quicksand. (And you thought this list was completely
useless.)

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an
old English law, which
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with
anything wider than your
thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop
was a record player for
automobiles. At that time, the most known player on
the market was the
Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more
calories to eat a piece of
celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's
the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you
from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified
kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for
being the book most
often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before
they go into space
because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart:
"Boy, I feel a lot
safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and
Kobe Bryant are still
walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take
the ONE woman in
America willing to cook, clean, and work in the
yard, and they haul her
off to jail."

hUMOR For Dec. 7th

"Snake Glasses"
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
The doctor says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"It's not a bug - it's just an undocumented feature."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Lawyer Picture"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A photographer was hired to take pictures at a lawyers' convention.
When he lined up his subjects he got them to look their best by shouting, "Okay everyone, say fees!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The "Forwarder's" 12 Step Program

Sometimes friends have to tell you things you might not like to hear,
but need to. If you are one of those people who like to forward every
e-mail you get, please repeat the following ...

1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists
if I DON'T forward an e-mail!

2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.

3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria Secret doesn't
know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.

4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail
to more than 50 people!

5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from
Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an
e-mail to 10 people.

6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail! (If you
do, you have a virus or trojan.)

7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and I am not
STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding
an e-mail to 10 or more people!

8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in
England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is
now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST
CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS!

9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or
whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them
to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers,
characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I
forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!

11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain
individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail
address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.

12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into forwarding at
email by telling me if I don't I am not their friend or that I'm a bad person.

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it
along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you
will gain twenty pounds in the next three months! (No, not really! If
you believe that last statement, go back and read this message again!)
+++++++++++++++++++
My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in
Montana. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a
trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards.

This time, I figured I'd done her one better. I boasted,
"You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes
to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped
and ready to go."

My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You
mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed
this morning?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Blonde Ranch Hand
Why you shouldn't ask a blonde to impregnate your cow...

Amy, a blonde Texan city girl, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows the rancher says to Amy, “The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?”

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one... right here.”

Terribly impressed by what he had thought was probably just another ditzy blonde, the man asks, “Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?”

“That's simple. By the nail over its stall,” Amy explains very confidently.

Thinking his original opinion had been confirmed the man could not resist asking, “What's the nail for?”

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says, “It's to hang your pants on...”
+++++++++++++++++++
Aging Alphabet
Poetry for those with osteoporosis & low neuralgia...

A's for arthritis,
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains - perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show...
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus - there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary... big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry - NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found;
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have - in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!
+++++++++++++++++++
Boys Will Be Boys
For those who have sons & those who are happy they don't!

1) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10) Certain Lego pieces will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11) Play Dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12) Super glue is forever.
13) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
14) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20) The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.
21) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
+++++++++++++++++++
Religious Customs Declaration
How to conceal the truth about something you shouldn't be concealing...

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”

“Of course. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair remover that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

hUMOR For Dec. 4th

Fiddle or Violin?

Since he runs a pawnshop, I decided to ask a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin.

"Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.

"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.

"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin. If I'm buying it from
you, it's a fiddle."
+++++++++++++++++++
"50th Anniversary"
At my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles have come back over the years," I commented.
Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Success: How high you bounce when you hit bottom."
- General George Patton
+++++++++++++++++++
"Trusting Advice"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Thunderstorms have rolled through the region, knocking out power temporarily to some of the stores of this supermarket chain. So when a help desk technician gets an emergency page from one store, he figures he knows how to handle it.

Turns out it's not that easy. "When I called the store, a somewhat dippy cashier answered the phone." he says. "The cash registers were all off-line, and when I gave her what I thought were simply instructions to restart the registers, she was having trouble understanding."

The flustered cashier just can't seem to get things working -- until the tech gets an idea.

"At one point the phone clicked, and she told me it was an incoming call on another line," he reports. "She clicked off and answered again right away."

"I said Hi, it's Mark from the help desk."

She said, "Oh, Hi! I have another guy from the help desk on the other line! Can you help me out? I don't understand what he's telling me to do."

I replied, "That guy's name is Mark too, and he is the most knowledgeable person in our department. Just take a deep breath, calm down and let him help you get the registers back up."

Another click.

"Hello, is this Mark? I just had that other Mark on the other line. OK, now tell me again what I need to do...."
+++++++++++++++++++
To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants
played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total
number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.

After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The
correct answer is 26 years. For the two people
who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in
seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we
are airborne."
+++++++++++++++++++
crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs
that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put
back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, a blonde,
looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway. She turned to a
co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"
+++++++++++++++++++
When the guy at the door said, "Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms," I just
assumed it was more supplies.
+++++++++++++++++++
Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact,
if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where
they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year
but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories
in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an
eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one
for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole
point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make
a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy.
Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with
skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic
transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort
to control your eating. The whole point of going to a
Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots
of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now
and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have
nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which
you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a
10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet
table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size
of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have
as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.
They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them
behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of
each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and
one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have
more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with
the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all
cost. I mean, have SOME standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave
the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying
attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is
just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in
one hand, martini in the other, totally worn out and
screaming,

"WOO HOO what a ride!"

hUMOR For Dec. 5th

I'm not taking you shopping with me again!

Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton
insists her husband go with her to Walmart, but he
gets bored with all the shopping trips.
He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton
loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to Mrs.
Fenton

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been
causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot
tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from
our stores. We have documented all incidents on our
video surveillance equipment. All complaints against
Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was
shopping in Walmart:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to
go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and
watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put
a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to
a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in
if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help
him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people
just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera;
used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knows where the
anti-depressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the
loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and
screams "NO ! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least .

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door, waited awhile, then yelled very
loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Walmart


"LAUGHTER IS CONTAGIOUS"
Have You Infected Anyone Today?
+++++++++++++++++++
A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of
marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is. The
wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have
ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on
and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk,
embraces the woman and kisses her passionately.

The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what
your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do
that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can
get her here Monday and Wednesday; but Friday, I play golf."
+++++++++++++++++++
"One nice thing about egotists, they don't talk much about other people." -
Lucille S Harper

hUMOR For Dec. 4th

Two rabbis, one Reformed and the other Orthodox, were discussing their
respective congregations one day.

The Reformed rabbi asked the Orthodox leader, "Why don't you let the men and
women of your congregation sit together, as they do in my temple?"

The Orthodox rabbi, known for his sense of humor, replied, "If you want to
know the truth, I don't really mind them sitting together at all. But, you
see, my sermons aren't that interesting and I just can't have them sleeping
together"
+++++++++++++++++++
More Church Bulletin Bloopers

Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to
recovery, for which we are thankful.

The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on
Saturdays.

We'll kick off the Christmas season this morning with our first hymn, "The
First Nowell"

Our Wednesday Night Family Cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese
dishes including One Ton Soup.

Events: December 9th, Christmas Caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00
p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the
Fellowship Hall.

The Youth Group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game
called, "Find the gun." They had a great time.

The Pastor's Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus

Due to Construction on the North side of the parking lot, we will soon be
changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway which is the one in between
the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit which is
the old entrance.

Our Senior's group is sponsoring a dance December 12. You can Dance the
Night Away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.

What are you doing for Lunch Tuesday? Local Funeral Director Barry Gilbert
will talk about the benefits of cremation.

The Riegieman Chiropractic Center will host Kid's Day this Saturday. They'll
be treating the youth group to spinal exams, backpack checks, I.D. Cards,
etc.
+++++++++++++++++++
Forgive me now, tomorrow I might not feel so guilty.
+++++++++++++++++++
Children in Church

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle,
he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it
went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the
time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed
and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the
morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of
order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the
aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the
little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pra y for me!"

---------------------------------------------------------------

One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we
forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

---------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better
boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

------------------------------------------------------

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way
to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

---------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,looking at
the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He
picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that
has been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit".

---------------------------------------------------------------

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he
moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping
before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned
toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

---------------------------------------------------------------

Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting
together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. < BR>
Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in
church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men
standing by the door? They're hushers."

---------------------------------------------------------------

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked , "Grandma, do you know how
you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

---------------------------------------------------------------

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite
knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the
mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

---------------------------------------------------------------

A Sunday sch ool class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to
discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it
was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the
covers off the neighbor's wife."

hUMOR For Dec. 3rd

Church Signs We Have Seen

"Don't ever give up! Remember, Moses was once a basket case."
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible."
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
"Under same management for over 2000 years."
"Soul food served here."
"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."
"What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies."
"If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's
orchard."
"To belittle is to be little."
"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you."
"God answers kneemail."
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Johnny, a six-year-old, came home from school whining, "Mommy, I've
got a stomachache."

"That's because your stomach is empty," his mother replied. "You'd feel
better if you had something in it." She gave little Johnny a snack and sure
enough, little Johnny felt better right away.

That afternoon the family's minister dropped by. While he was chatting with
little Johnny's mom, he mentioned he'd had a bad headache all day long.
Little Johnny perked up. "That's because it's empty," he said. "You'd feel
better if you had something in it."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
There's room for all God's creatures right next to the mashed potatoes.

hUMOR For Dec. 2nd

"Slow Train"
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.
Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walk again.
She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"If we are to learn anything of value from Star Trek, it's that the universe is filled with vastly different styles of foreheads."
- Chris Needles
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Room Question"
My friend Judy was working at a Maine costal resort when she answered a call for information about the inn. After finishing the conversation, Judy stepped away from the desk. When the phone rang again, a student intern took the call.
"I forgot to ask something." the caller said, "How are the rooms appointed?"
"Well, six of them are appointed west," the student said, "and the rest are appointed east."
+++++++++++++++++++
Breathe

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life
and death statistics.

Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know
that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

"Really!?" he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Hardware is the part of the computer that can be kicked." - Jeff Pesis
+++++++++++++++++++
A Blonde's Year in Review January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to printlabels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!! March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6months.....box said "2-4 years!" April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!! May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of waterwon't fit into those little packets!!! June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, theother swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swampedbecause soft-top was open. September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??? October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel. November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hourper pound and I weigh 108!! December - Couldn't call 911 .... "duh".....there's no "eleven"button on the stupid phone!!! What a year!!

hUMOR For Dec. 1st

On a business trip, my father approached a security checkpoint at the
airport. The National Guard shift was rotating, and a guard, in full
uniform, was in line in front of him.

As with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to go through the metal
detector. So, as he did so, he handed his M-16 rifle to security personnel
along with other items such as handcuffs and a flashlight.

Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through. Further inspection revealed
a little Swiss army knife inside one of his pockets.

"Sorry, Sir, but this item is prohibited," security said to the soldier.
Then, taking the knife away, the airport worker handed him back the M-16.
+++++++++++++++++++
We were driving our three-year-old son to his Grandma's home when we stopped
at a store. Once inside, our son decided he wanted one of those large
gumballs.

I told him he couldn't have one, and he began to pout. I leaned over to him
and said, "This is a fact of life: You don't always get everything you
want."

"I know," he replied. "Just don't tell Gramma."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Sometimes there's a fine line between participating in an extreme sport and
just playing a conventional sport very, very badly." - Andy Ihnatko
+++++++++++++++++++
Hospital Information

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her
first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had
arrived, Dr. Wilson said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and
was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information
over the phone.

"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she
didn't have?"

"It wasn't a boy," replied Dr. Wilson.
+++++++++++++++++++
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it was not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweet heart. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
+++++++++++++++++++
A cowboy went to an insurance agency to buy a policy. The
agent asked, "Have you ever had an accident?"

"Nope," replied the cowboy. "Last summer, a bronc kicked in
two of my ribs, and a couple of years ago, a rattlesnake bit
me on the ankle."

"Wouldn't you call those accidents?" quizzed the puzzled
agent.

"Naw," the cowboy replied. "They did it on purpose!"
+++++++++++++++++++
At the Movies

A famous football coach was on vacation with his family in Maine.
When they walked into a movie theater and sat down, the handful of
people there applauded. He thought to himself, "I can't believe it.
People recognize me all the way up here."

Then a man came over to him and said, "Thanks for coming. They won't
start the movie unless we have ten customers or more."

hUMOR For Nov. 30th

The Lineup

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is
going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you
try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says,
"Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Think She'll Die?"
One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was THERE WAS AN OLD LADY WHO SWALLOWED A FLY.
After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you think she'll die?"
"Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on FEAR FACTOR."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose."
- Farmers Almanac
+++++++++++++++++++
"Generation Gap"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I've got 3 TVs, cable & a satellite dish. I have 3 phone lines in the house, a cell phone and one in the car, plus a pager.

I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to two daily papers and one weekly one. I watch both the local and the network news every evening.

And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.
+++++++++++++++++++
Wedding Showers
Pre-wedding sign for the groom...

Henry: “If a wedding means showers for the bride, what does it mean for the groom?”

Jack: “Curtains.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Card Name

A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay for his
ticket with a credit card. The reservation specialist asked him,
"Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"

The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."

hUMOR For Nov./ 29th

"Monitors"
I sell new and used computers for a living. At an exhibit and sale, I decided to give away an old 13-inch monitor that I had lying around. My neighbor came by and said, "You're giving this away? I'll take it!" Then she noticed a 15-inch monitor at the end of my table. "How much for that one?"
She asked.
I told her it was $75. She looked down at her free monitor, thought for a moment and asked, "Do you take trade-ins?"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Live every day like it is your last - one of these days it will be."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Nerves of Steel"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.
As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"
George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."
+++++++++++++++++++
You've Got Mail

Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public.
So, when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my
calmest voice,"What's the trouble?"

"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home, I found
a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package, but no one was
home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never
heard a thing!"

After apologizing, I got her parcel.

"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"

"What is it?" I asked.

"My husband's new hearing aid."
+++++++++++++++++++
The shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted
island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship
offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge
handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told
him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read
through these and let us know if you still want to be
rescued."
+++++++++++++++++++
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted
her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting
groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in
his hand.

The guests in the front pews, and the minister, responded
with ripples of laughter. As her father gave her away in
marriage, the bride had given him back his credit card.
+++++++++++++++++++
A salesman, engineer, and a technician are driving just outside of town when
they get a flat tire. The three get out of the car and scratch their heads.

The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I
know that I can
bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great deal."

The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do
some computations; figuring
the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of
speed we will be traveling, to know what kind of tire you should buy."

The technician just laughs and shakes his head, "No, no, no! What's wrong
with you guy's? We have a spare tire right in the trunk. Now all we have to
do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one."
+++++++++++++++++++
Two Islamic Fascist spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic. The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers:

"Don't blow our cover. You're in America now, speaka de Spanish".

hUMOR For Nov. 28th

"The population of the United States reached 300 million yesterday. In a
related story the population of Mexico is now at 38 people." - Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
Ants

"I'm here to exterminate the ants," explained the exterminator.

"I don't have an ant problem anymore."

"Well," he said, "I'll just treat the area to make sure they don't come
back."

"Great," I replied. "That sounds like a good idea."

Eight weeks prior to this conversation I was sitting at my desk in my office
and felt the sensation of something crawling on my arm. Upon closer
inspection, I discovered the presence of a small ant. With one press of my
mighty fingertip, I eliminated the pest. By late afternoon I had a
full-blown ant problem. Ants were crawling all over my desk and various
other places throughout my office.

The next morning I set out a couple of household ant traps that I had bought
the night before. I put one behind my trashcan and another in the opposite
corner of the room. The ants loved whatever was in the traps and soon my
desk was clear of the insects and their trail now lead exclusively to the
traps. When I arrived the following morning, all traces of ant infestation
were void but I left the traps in place just to be on the safe side.

Whenever I have a facilities problem, in other words an air conditioning,
heat, plumbing or general building problem, I report it to the building
liaison. It just so happened that the building liaison noticed my ant traps
in my office and told me, "You know, you aren't really supposed to put out
ant traps like that."

"No, I didn't know that," I replied.

"Yes, well technically, if you have an insect problem you're supposed to
report it to me and then I'll send a work order over to the staff
exterminator for him to come over and take care of the problem."

"Oh. Okay. I only set them out yesterday so I'll just toss them in the trash
and you can let the exterminator know about the ants.

The building liaison said that he'd inform the exterminator so that he could
come out and investigate the situation. He also said that he'd put in the
work order that day. Since then, I haven't seen any ants in my office.

Eight weeks later, a man sticks his head in my door to say, ""I'm here to
exterminate the ants."

"I don't have an ant problem anymore."

"Well," said the exterminator, "I'll just treat the area to make sure they
don't come back."

"Great," I replied. "That sounds like a good idea."

He opened a tackle box and took out a small box. From the small box he
removed two ant traps. As a matter of fact, they were the same type and
brand that I had set out previously. He placed one of the traps behind my
trashcan and the other in opposite corner on the other side of the room.

"Is that all you're going to do?" I asked.

"Yep. That'll probably take care of any ant problems you might have."

"Wow. I would have never thought of that."

"Most people don't think of it but you can buy these traps at just about any
grocery store."

"Is that a fact?"

"Yep but they're only good for three months."

"Are you coming back to replace them in three months?"

"Sure. Just have your building liaison turn in a work order."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oldie but Goodie
Without any paperwork, Grandpa started getting a $500 check every month. So Grandpa and Grandma started cashing them.

It turns out the government made a mistake with the address; the checks
were intended for another person with the exact same name.

Grandpa then received a notice that he had to pay back $6,000. Visibly upset, he complained to his grandson, an accountant.

His grandson asked: "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?"

Grandpa answered: "I knew the Democrats were back in power."
+++++++++++++++++++
Politically Correct National Football League??

Announcement: Name Changes and Schedule

The Washington Native Americans will host the New York Very Tall People on
opening day. Other key games include the Dallas Western-Style Laborers
hosting the St. Louis Uninvited Guests, and the Minnesota Plundering
Norsemen taking on the Green Bay Meat Industry Workers.

In Week 2, there are several key match ups, highlighted by the showdown
between the San Francisco Precious Metal Enthusiasts and the New Orleans
Outstandingly Good People. The Atlanta Birds of Prey will play host to the
Philadelphia Birds of Prey, while the Seattle Birds of Prey will visit the
Phoenix Male Finches.

The Monday night game will pit the Miami Pelagic Percoid Food Fishes against
the Denver Untamed Beasts of Burden. The Cincinnati Large Bangladeshi
Carnivorous Mammals will travel to Tampa Bay for a clash with the West
Indies Free Booters later in Week 9. And the Detroit Large Carnivorous Cats
will play the Chicago Securities-Traders-in-a-Declining-Market.

Week 9 also features the Indianapolis Young Male Horses at the New England
Zealous Lovers of Country.

hUMOR For Nov. 27th

Church Signs We Have Seen

"Don't ever give up! Remember, Moses was once a basket case."
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible."
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
"Under same management for over 2000 years."
"Soul food served here."
"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."
"What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies."
"If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's
orchard."
"To belittle is to be little."
"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you."
"God answers kneemail."
+++++++++++++++++++
Little Johnny, a six-year-old, came home from school whining, "Mommy, I've
got a stomachache."

"That's because your stomach is empty," his mother replied. "You'd feel
better if you had something in it." She gave little Johnny a snack and sure
enough, little Johnny felt better right away.

That afternoon the family's minister dropped by. While he was chatting with
little Johnny's mom, he mentioned he'd had a bad headache all day long.
Little Johnny perked up. "That's because it's empty," he said. "You'd feel
better if you had something in it."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

There's room for all God's creatures right next to the mashed potatoes.
+++++++++++++++++++
12 Reasons to be Thankful You Burnt the Turkey

1. Salmonella won't be a concern.
2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.
3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.
4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.
5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.
6. No one will overeat.
7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.
8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.
9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.
10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.
11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will
be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.
12. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
+++++++++++++++++++
Lot's Wife
Little Johnny's advice for Sunday School teachers...

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when Little Johnny interrupted.

“My Mom looked back once, while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Quick Check for Alzheimer's.

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School
of Psychiatry at Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a
mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is person cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and
I betcha' you cannot resist passing it on
+++++++++++++++++++
Come with me to a third grade classroom.....
There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened. It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never speak to him again as long as he lives.

The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts head down and prays this prayer, "Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I'm dead meat."

He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered. As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.

The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"

Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts to put on while his pants dry out. All the other children are on their hands and knees cleaning up around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful.

But as life would have it, the ridicule that should have been his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.

She tries to help, but they tell her to get out. You've done enough, you klutz!"

Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers, "You did that on purpose, didn't you?"

Susie whispers back, "I wet my pants once, too."

I not only love the story --- I love this last quote!!

I only hope that in the coming years there will be many people with fish bowls around me!!!

May God help us see the opportunities that are always around us to do good.




+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Scientist Escape"
A scientist, unjustly accused and convicted of a major crime, found himself sentenced to hard time in a prison out in the Arizona desert. His cellmate turned out to be another scientist. Determined to escape, the first man tried to convince his colleague to make the attempt with him. He refused. After careful planning the scientist made his escape.
Before long the heat of the desert, the lack of food and water, and complete disorientation in the hostile wilderness almost drove him mad. He was soon forced to return to the prison. He reported his terrible experience to the other scientist who surprised him by saying, "Yes, I know. I tried it too and failed, too, for the same reasons."
The first scientist responded bitter, "For heaven's sake, man, when you knew I was going to make a break for it, why didn't you tell me what it was like out there?"
His cellmate responded with a shrug, "Who publishes negative results?"
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Oneliner
"If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration then evidentially I keep sharing elevators with a lot of very intelligent people."
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"Cute Baby"
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."

hUMOR For Nov. 26th

"Birthday Greetings"
Seen on a birthday card.
Forget about the past, You can't change it.
Forget about the future, You can't predict it.
Inside:
Forget about the present, I didn't buy you one.
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CleanQuote
If you want the last word in an argument, say, "You're right."
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"Passion"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very specific guidelines. "Nothing fragrant," she instructed. "Nothing too tall or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample." She handed me a plain square of tan-colored paper.
"Your name?" I asked.
"Mrs. Bland," the woman replied.
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A party of economists went climbing in the Alps. After several hours they
became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning
it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass and
the sun.

Finally he said, "Okay, see that big mountain over there?" The others all
agreed that they did. "Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of
it."
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A salesman, engineer, and a technician are driving just outside of town when
they get a flat tire. The three get out of the car and scratch their heads.
The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I
know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great
deal."

The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do
some computations; figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature,
and the average rate of speed we will be traveling, to know what kind of
tire you should buy."

The technician just laughs and shakes his head, "No, no, no! What's wrong
with you guy's? We have a spare tire right in the trunk. Now all we have to
do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one."
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"When I die, I'd like to be scattered over my hometown. But not, like,
cremated or anything." - Mitch Berg
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"Rattlesnake Ammo"
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.
So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.
The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note. The note said, "I missed!"

hUMOR For Nov. 25th

"Signs of Banned Substances"
Signs That An Athlete Is Using A Banned Substance:
Gets "psyched" before each competition by banging his head against a locker, although he's on the chess team.
Her javelin was shot down by jet fighters.
Killed two spectators and a line judge with his forehand lob at this year's French Open.
Although a sprinter, he won both the Indy 500 and the Preakness.
His red and yellow jersey reads, "Track Cartel de Colombia."
Remainder of high-jump event postponed until he lands.
Somehow manages to win the 100-meter butterfly without getting wet.
Signs new contract for $6 over 2 million years.
Instead of exploding out of the blocks, he just explodes.
According to the urine test, he's six-week's pregnant.
Breaks his pelvis but insists he can just "walk it off."
Forget Nike and Reebok-he's got endorsement deals with Merck and Glaxo.
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Oneliner
"How do a fool and his money get together?"
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"Contractor"
My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do. At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defence Contractor."

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
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"Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as
getting married just because you do." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
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After-Thanksgiving Poem

I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.

I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!

I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!
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After-Thanksgiving Poem

I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.

I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!

I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!