"Parking Confusion"
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.
His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.
"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"The first thing to try when all else fails is again."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Humility"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A colleague was invited to hold a speech in Japan. Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he said.
Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese gentleman appeared on the stage. This man had a terrific success! People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not understand one bit of what was said, still he started to applaud, as the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.
He was interrupted by the chairman of the conference, "No no, sir. You must not applaud."
Dumfounded, he protested: "But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker."
"No sir, you must not applaud. He is translating your speech."
+++++++++++++++++++
Mother's Dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 am also.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let
the children play outside.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance
apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even
though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do
everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing
dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it
and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so
that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset
the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to
make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
+++++++++++++++++++
Most mornings I go to the local YMCA to exercise. One morning there was a
big man working out on the stair climbing machine. He was really climbing
stairs. I did my time on the treadmill and he was still climbing. I went to
another machine to continue my work out. He was still climbing. I wondered
what motivated him to work so vigorously.
He finally finished and as he walked by where I was working out, I said to
him, "You were really climbing those stairs."
His reply, "Yeah, I was."
I asked, "What were you going to do when you got to the top?"
"Grab a pie."
+++++++++++++++++++
Earworms are songs that crawl into your head and stay. 98% of us have had a
song stuck in our heads. Six of the worst offenders are "It's a Small
World," "The Lion Sleeps Tonight," "Don't Worry; Be Happy," "Macarena,"
"Gilligan's Island" theme, and "Y.M.C.A."
For those who didn't catch that, I repeat: the songs most likely to stay
with you the longest are "It's a Small World," "The Lion Sleeps Tonight,"
"Don't Worry; Be Happy," "Macarena," "Gilligan's Island" theme, and
"Y.M.C.A."
Once again, those songs are "It's a Small World," "The Lion Sleeps Tonight,"
"Don't Worry; Be Happy," "Macarena," "Gilligan's Island" theme, and
"Y.M.C.A."
It's not known why songs like "It's a Small World," "The Lion Sleeps
Tonight," "Don't Worry; Be Happy," "Macarena," "Gilligan's Island" theme,
and "Y.M.C.A." stick with people but it isn't unusual for songs like "It's a
Small World," "The Lion Sleeps Tonight," "Don't Worry; Be Happy,"
"Macarena," "Gilligan's Island" theme, and "Y.M.C.A." to do just that.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to
stick to possibilities. Truth isn't." - Mark Twain
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Saturday, October 07, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 7th
"Signs of Aging"
You know you're getting older if:
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Horse Sale"
A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.
"Afraid not," said the farmer.
"I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella.
"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.
"I know horses and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"
"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."
The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been taken advantage of. "You sold me a blind horse!"
"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."
+++++++++++++++++++
Galaxies
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new
Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for
quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided
by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers
rushing to the scene.
+++++++++++++++++++
A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous
look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very
obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned
over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill
little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point ...
+++++++++++++++++++
Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.
You know you're getting older if:
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Horse Sale"
A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.
"Afraid not," said the farmer.
"I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella.
"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.
"I know horses and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"
"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."
The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been taken advantage of. "You sold me a blind horse!"
"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."
+++++++++++++++++++
Galaxies
The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new
Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for
quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided
by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers
rushing to the scene.
+++++++++++++++++++
A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous
look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very
obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned
over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill
little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point ...
+++++++++++++++++++
Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.
Friday, October 06, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 6th
Good News / Bad News
A pastor got up one Sunday to preach and announced to his
congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we
have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news
is, it's still out there in your pockets."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Emergency Flowers"
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Capitalism is man exploiting man. Socialism is the other way around."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Evidence"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated
him out of ten million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It
was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything
that he might have to testify about in court.
When the godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his
missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows
sign language.
The godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10
million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where
the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are
talking about."
The attorney tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know
what you're talking about."
The godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple, and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you
don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens!"
The godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to
pull the trigger."
+++++++++++++++++++
After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing,
Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up and check. In the
very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a bottle of
cognac.
"Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"
"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap."
+++++++++++++++++++
Things aren't working well for the shipping part of this manufacturing
company's ERP system, says a technician working there.
"The whole process for calculating and paying the carriers for freight was
not good," he says. "Our company makes motor oils and other fluids used in
cars and trucks. Since the products weigh a lot, shipping cost is a very
visible item the business is always trying to reduce."
And the ERP system should help keep those costs under control. But no such
luck. "We had an army of accountants trying to reconcile actual freight
invoices to what we had calculated," says the technician. "To make a long
story short, this was not working."
After several years of this, the company finally upgrades to a new freight
payment system. "This system would calculate the lowest-cost carrier for
each shipment," the tech explained. "It would know all starting and ending
points and the rates of all our carriers, and automatically pay the carrier
as soon as the load leaves our plants. This makes the carriers happy, and
they give us a better rate."
For the first month after the new system rolls out, there are no serious
problems. In fact, the system works very well at figuring out which shipper
will move the products at the lowest cost, based on the data it has.
"But in some cases the system may work too well," says the technician. "One
of our customers is FedEx. I suppose they use our products to service their
own fleet. Apparently not all the special discounts were entered in the
system, because it decided that UPS was the lowest-cost carrier for the
shipment to FedEx.
"I guess the FedEx people were not happy to see the brown UPS truck roll up
to their dock. Needless to say, account executives were called and the
customer-specific freight rates were updated."
+++++++++++++++++++
The worst thing about censorship is *******.
A pastor got up one Sunday to preach and announced to his
congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we
have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news
is, it's still out there in your pockets."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Emergency Flowers"
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Capitalism is man exploiting man. Socialism is the other way around."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Evidence"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.
"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."
"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.
The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" the man asked.
"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.
"Call who back?" the man asked.
"The FISH."
"What fish?" the man asked.
+++++++++++++++++++
A Mafia godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated
him out of ten million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It
was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything
that he might have to testify about in court.
When the godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his
missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows
sign language.
The godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10
million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where
the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are
talking about."
The attorney tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know
what you're talking about."
The godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple, and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you
don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens!"
The godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to
pull the trigger."
+++++++++++++++++++
After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing,
Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up and check. In the
very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a bottle of
cognac.
"Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"
"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap."
+++++++++++++++++++
Things aren't working well for the shipping part of this manufacturing
company's ERP system, says a technician working there.
"The whole process for calculating and paying the carriers for freight was
not good," he says. "Our company makes motor oils and other fluids used in
cars and trucks. Since the products weigh a lot, shipping cost is a very
visible item the business is always trying to reduce."
And the ERP system should help keep those costs under control. But no such
luck. "We had an army of accountants trying to reconcile actual freight
invoices to what we had calculated," says the technician. "To make a long
story short, this was not working."
After several years of this, the company finally upgrades to a new freight
payment system. "This system would calculate the lowest-cost carrier for
each shipment," the tech explained. "It would know all starting and ending
points and the rates of all our carriers, and automatically pay the carrier
as soon as the load leaves our plants. This makes the carriers happy, and
they give us a better rate."
For the first month after the new system rolls out, there are no serious
problems. In fact, the system works very well at figuring out which shipper
will move the products at the lowest cost, based on the data it has.
"But in some cases the system may work too well," says the technician. "One
of our customers is FedEx. I suppose they use our products to service their
own fleet. Apparently not all the special discounts were entered in the
system, because it decided that UPS was the lowest-cost carrier for the
shipment to FedEx.
"I guess the FedEx people were not happy to see the brown UPS truck roll up
to their dock. Needless to say, account executives were called and the
customer-specific freight rates were updated."
+++++++++++++++++++
The worst thing about censorship is *******.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 5th
Part of my job as a public-health nurse is teaching new parents how to care
for their infants. As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young
Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like
an egg roll?"
"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."
"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I
wrap my baby like a burrito?"
+++++++++++++++++++
It's my anniversary. My wife and I are celebrating my being wrong for a
whole year.
+++++++++++++++++++
"VIP Impression"
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place.
When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."
- Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
"Manners"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One of the busiest times for a meat-department manager in a supermarket occurs when there is a sale on particular cuts. When we put cross-rib roasts on sale one day the result was predictable. I'd bring out a cart of roasts and before I could get them on display, women customers were jostling for their share. Three times I returned with a cart of roasts and three times they were gone before I got to the counter.
The fourth time out I noticed that a man who had quietly been watching began to approach my cart. He elbowed his way in, pushing and shoving, and finally grasped a roast. Before he could retreat from the crush, an irate woman glared at him and said, "Sir, how about being a gentleman!"
The fellow turned and said, "Ma'am, for twenty minutes I've been a gentleman, now I'm going to be a lady!" And with that he smiled, took his roast and walked away.
+++++++++++++++++++
Signs You're Flat Broke
Do you go back for seconds at communion?
1. American Express calls and says, “Leave home without it!”
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.
6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
7. Your rob Peter... and then rob Paul.
8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
10. You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.
11. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
12. At communion you go back for seconds.
13. You wash your toilet paper.
14. You have to save up to be poor.
15. On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.
16. You owe yourself money.
17. Your imaginary friend has more money than you.
+++++++++++++++++++
Latest Surgical Procedure – ‘The Knob’
Try this surgeon’s facelift surgery for higher results…
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called ‘The Knob’, where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course the woman wanted ‘The Knob’.
Over the course of the years, the woman kept tightening the knob, the effects were wonderful, and the woman remained young-looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
“All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn ‘The Knob’ many times and I have always loved the results. But now, I have developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and ‘The Knob’ won't get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her very closely and said, “Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.”
“Well,” she said, “I guess there is no point in asking about this goatee.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Fortune Cookies - In Bed
Add some excitement to your next fortune cookie message!
The next time you are with a group of people at a Chinese restaurant, when they bring you the fortune cookies, make sure that everyone in your group opens their fortune cookie in front of everyone – and reads out their fortune message… BUT at the end of their message, they have to add the words, “In Bed”… here’s what could happen!
A romantic interlude may have to be postponed in bed.
Back away from individuals who are impulsive in bed.
Joint ventures work out better than going it alone in bed.
To get what you want, you must commit yourself for some time in bed.
Your self-restraint will pay dividends in bed.
Find some time to look up some older relatives in bed.
+++++++++++++++++++
Corvette Tests to Raise The Bar
When a little pepper tequila goes a long way…
A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, “What's with the jar?”
“Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Corvette Z06.”
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. “What are the three tests?”
“Pay first, those are the rules,” says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
“OK,” the bartender says, “Here's what you need to do: First - you have to drink that entire litre of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.”
“Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.”
“Third - there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her.”
The man is stunned. “I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things...”
“Your call,” says the bartender, “but your money stays where it is.”
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, “Where ez zat tequila?”
He grabs the litre with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then... silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
“Now,” he says... “Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?”
for their infants. As I was demonstrating how to wrap a newborn, a young
Asian couple turned to me and said, "You mean we should wrap the baby like
an egg roll?"
"Yes," I replied, "That is a good analogy."
"I don't know how to make egg rolls," another mother said anxiously. "Can I
wrap my baby like a burrito?"
+++++++++++++++++++
It's my anniversary. My wife and I are celebrating my being wrong for a
whole year.
+++++++++++++++++++
"VIP Impression"
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place.
When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."
- Jay Leno
+++++++++++++++++++
"Manners"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One of the busiest times for a meat-department manager in a supermarket occurs when there is a sale on particular cuts. When we put cross-rib roasts on sale one day the result was predictable. I'd bring out a cart of roasts and before I could get them on display, women customers were jostling for their share. Three times I returned with a cart of roasts and three times they were gone before I got to the counter.
The fourth time out I noticed that a man who had quietly been watching began to approach my cart. He elbowed his way in, pushing and shoving, and finally grasped a roast. Before he could retreat from the crush, an irate woman glared at him and said, "Sir, how about being a gentleman!"
The fellow turned and said, "Ma'am, for twenty minutes I've been a gentleman, now I'm going to be a lady!" And with that he smiled, took his roast and walked away.
+++++++++++++++++++
Signs You're Flat Broke
Do you go back for seconds at communion?
1. American Express calls and says, “Leave home without it!”
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.
6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
7. Your rob Peter... and then rob Paul.
8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
10. You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.
11. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
12. At communion you go back for seconds.
13. You wash your toilet paper.
14. You have to save up to be poor.
15. On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.
16. You owe yourself money.
17. Your imaginary friend has more money than you.
+++++++++++++++++++
Latest Surgical Procedure – ‘The Knob’
Try this surgeon’s facelift surgery for higher results…
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called ‘The Knob’, where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course the woman wanted ‘The Knob’.
Over the course of the years, the woman kept tightening the knob, the effects were wonderful, and the woman remained young-looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
“All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn ‘The Knob’ many times and I have always loved the results. But now, I have developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and ‘The Knob’ won't get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her very closely and said, “Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.”
“Well,” she said, “I guess there is no point in asking about this goatee.”
+++++++++++++++++++
Fortune Cookies - In Bed
Add some excitement to your next fortune cookie message!
The next time you are with a group of people at a Chinese restaurant, when they bring you the fortune cookies, make sure that everyone in your group opens their fortune cookie in front of everyone – and reads out their fortune message… BUT at the end of their message, they have to add the words, “In Bed”… here’s what could happen!
A romantic interlude may have to be postponed in bed.
Back away from individuals who are impulsive in bed.
Joint ventures work out better than going it alone in bed.
To get what you want, you must commit yourself for some time in bed.
Your self-restraint will pay dividends in bed.
Find some time to look up some older relatives in bed.
+++++++++++++++++++
Corvette Tests to Raise The Bar
When a little pepper tequila goes a long way…
A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, “What's with the jar?”
“Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Corvette Z06.”
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. “What are the three tests?”
“Pay first, those are the rules,” says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
“OK,” the bartender says, “Here's what you need to do: First - you have to drink that entire litre of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.”
“Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.”
“Third - there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her.”
The man is stunned. “I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things...”
“Your call,” says the bartender, “but your money stays where it is.”
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, “Where ez zat tequila?”
He grabs the litre with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then... silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
“Now,” he says... “Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?”
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 4th
"Party Favor"
After classical violinist Fritz Kreisler was invited to a society party, the hostess urged, "Of course, you'll bring your violin."
"In that case," Kreisler said, "my performing fee is two thousand dollars."
Insulted (or caught out), the woman huffed, "In that case, I shall ask you not to mingle with my guests."
"In that case," Kreisler replied, "my fee will only be one thousand dollars."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Archeologists"
"Archeologists will date any old thing."
- Douglas Helsel
+++++++++++++++++++
My horoscope read, "You're going places and you can't be stopped."
Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it.
+++++++++++++++++++
An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man
is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to
punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
+++++++++++++++++++
Cross-Country Move
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of
our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we
keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
+++++++++++++++++++
Sheri, a very pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in
the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help
me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young
doctors here, I end up dumping him and then, afterwards, I feel guilty and
depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen
your will power and resolve in this matter."
"No." exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and
depressed afterwards."
After classical violinist Fritz Kreisler was invited to a society party, the hostess urged, "Of course, you'll bring your violin."
"In that case," Kreisler said, "my performing fee is two thousand dollars."
Insulted (or caught out), the woman huffed, "In that case, I shall ask you not to mingle with my guests."
"In that case," Kreisler replied, "my fee will only be one thousand dollars."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Archeologists"
"Archeologists will date any old thing."
- Douglas Helsel
+++++++++++++++++++
My horoscope read, "You're going places and you can't be stopped."
Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it.
+++++++++++++++++++
An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man
is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to
punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
+++++++++++++++++++
Cross-Country Move
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of
our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we
keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
+++++++++++++++++++
Sheri, a very pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in
the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help
me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young
doctors here, I end up dumping him and then, afterwards, I feel guilty and
depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen
your will power and resolve in this matter."
"No." exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and
depressed afterwards."
Monday, October 02, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 2nd
"Build It and They Will Come"
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Danger Of Compliments
I was showing my wife the high number of hits on my web page and some of the
"fan" letters I'd received containing compliments.
She took it all in and then said, "Just remember, the very same people who
praised Jesus also crucified Him."
+++++++++++++++++++
A preacher had just finished his sermon, and sat down with his wife. She
asked him how he thought the church service went.
The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the
prayer and communion times went quite well. But," he continued, "I just
don't think my sermon ever got off the ground."
His wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said,
"Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Never make fried chicken in the nude.
+++++++++++++++++++
Hospital Parking
The County Highway Commissioner was driving to the hospital for
treatment of his painful knee injury, he decided to take advantage of
the hospital's Valet Parking. As he exited his car, a young man with
the Valet Parking Company, comes up and asks if this was a government vehicle.
"Yes," the Commissioner replied, surprised by the question. "In fact
it's an unmarked police car."
"Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. "This will be
the first time I've been in the front seat."
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.
"When would be a good time?" she asked.
My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."
+++++++++++++++++++
The Danger Of Compliments
I was showing my wife the high number of hits on my web page and some of the
"fan" letters I'd received containing compliments.
She took it all in and then said, "Just remember, the very same people who
praised Jesus also crucified Him."
+++++++++++++++++++
A preacher had just finished his sermon, and sat down with his wife. She
asked him how he thought the church service went.
The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the
prayer and communion times went quite well. But," he continued, "I just
don't think my sermon ever got off the ground."
His wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said,
"Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Never make fried chicken in the nude.
+++++++++++++++++++
Hospital Parking
The County Highway Commissioner was driving to the hospital for
treatment of his painful knee injury, he decided to take advantage of
the hospital's Valet Parking. As he exited his car, a young man with
the Valet Parking Company, comes up and asks if this was a government vehicle.
"Yes," the Commissioner replied, surprised by the question. "In fact
it's an unmarked police car."
"Wow!" the young man said, sliding behind the wheel. "This will be
the first time I've been in the front seat."
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
Sunday, October 01, 2006
hUMOR For Oct. 1st
"Resume Help"
My husband, an auto mechanic, was looking for higher-paying work and asked me to write his resume on the computer. As I typed, I used spell check to make sure everything was perfect.
I soon found another benefit to this function... it doubled as career advisor. Every time it stopped on the word Mazda, it suggested I change it to Mercedes
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows." - Erma Bombeck
+++++++++++++++++++
"Perspective"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
+++++++++++++++++++
Grocery Bag
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of
me had a large order.
As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom
gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.
"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk
quipped to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
+++++++++++++++++++
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another,
"Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
+++++++++++++++++++
Kids - Before and After
The 3 words you most want to hear from your husband are:
Before kids: "I love you"
After 1st child: "Let me help"
After 2nd child: "I'll change her"
The best toys are:
Before kids: wooden and educational
After 1st child: plastic and educational
After 2nd child: plastic and silent
The last restaurant you visited had:
Before kids: elegant tables, an innovative menu, impeccable service
After 1st child: clean tables, a children's menu, quick service
After 2nd child: an available table, the menu on the wall, self-service
You see a child having a tantrum in a store and you feel sorry for...:
Before kids: yourself
After 1st child: the child
After 2nd child: the mom
A home-cooked meal is...:
Before kids: 5 courses, plus wine
After 1st child: main dish, vegetable, and starch
After 2nd child: frozen macaroni and cheese
"Goodnight Moon" is...
Before kids: what?
After 1st child: a cute children's book
After 2nd child: memorized
Children should be potty trained...:
Before kids: as soon as possible
After 1st child: when the are developmentally ready
After 2nd child: sometime before they leave for college
You choose your grocery store based on...:
Before kids: selection
After 1st child: price
After 2nd child: a candy-free checkout lane
You call your mom on Mother's Day to say...:
Before kids: "I love you"
After 1st child: "Thanks, Mom"
After 2nd child: "Please forgive me for my childhood"
"Sesame Street" characters you can name are...:
Before kids: Big Bird, Grover, Oscar the Grouch
After 1st child: Elmo, Zoe, and Slimey the worm
After 2nd child: All of them
You spot your neighbors' child wearing striped tights, a flowered dress,
combat shoes, and a tiara and you think...:
Before kids: her mom needs some fashion tips
After 1st child: her dad needs some fashion tips
After 2nd child: won't she get too hot in tights?
You're waiting in line for a rest room when a mom dragging a toddler "in
need" enters. You...:
Before kids: wonder if the kid will make it
After 1st child: give up your place in line
After 2nd child: shout "let's move it, ladies, we have an emergency
here!"
- Parenting Magazine
+++++++++++++++++++
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." - Mark
Twain
My husband, an auto mechanic, was looking for higher-paying work and asked me to write his resume on the computer. As I typed, I used spell check to make sure everything was perfect.
I soon found another benefit to this function... it doubled as career advisor. Every time it stopped on the word Mazda, it suggested I change it to Mercedes
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows." - Erma Bombeck
+++++++++++++++++++
"Perspective"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
+++++++++++++++++++
Grocery Bag
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of
me had a large order.
As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom
gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.
"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk
quipped to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"
+++++++++++++++++++
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another,
"Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
+++++++++++++++++++
Kids - Before and After
The 3 words you most want to hear from your husband are:
Before kids: "I love you"
After 1st child: "Let me help"
After 2nd child: "I'll change her"
The best toys are:
Before kids: wooden and educational
After 1st child: plastic and educational
After 2nd child: plastic and silent
The last restaurant you visited had:
Before kids: elegant tables, an innovative menu, impeccable service
After 1st child: clean tables, a children's menu, quick service
After 2nd child: an available table, the menu on the wall, self-service
You see a child having a tantrum in a store and you feel sorry for...:
Before kids: yourself
After 1st child: the child
After 2nd child: the mom
A home-cooked meal is...:
Before kids: 5 courses, plus wine
After 1st child: main dish, vegetable, and starch
After 2nd child: frozen macaroni and cheese
"Goodnight Moon" is...
Before kids: what?
After 1st child: a cute children's book
After 2nd child: memorized
Children should be potty trained...:
Before kids: as soon as possible
After 1st child: when the are developmentally ready
After 2nd child: sometime before they leave for college
You choose your grocery store based on...:
Before kids: selection
After 1st child: price
After 2nd child: a candy-free checkout lane
You call your mom on Mother's Day to say...:
Before kids: "I love you"
After 1st child: "Thanks, Mom"
After 2nd child: "Please forgive me for my childhood"
"Sesame Street" characters you can name are...:
Before kids: Big Bird, Grover, Oscar the Grouch
After 1st child: Elmo, Zoe, and Slimey the worm
After 2nd child: All of them
You spot your neighbors' child wearing striped tights, a flowered dress,
combat shoes, and a tiara and you think...:
Before kids: her mom needs some fashion tips
After 1st child: her dad needs some fashion tips
After 2nd child: won't she get too hot in tights?
You're waiting in line for a rest room when a mom dragging a toddler "in
need" enters. You...:
Before kids: wonder if the kid will make it
After 1st child: give up your place in line
After 2nd child: shout "let's move it, ladies, we have an emergency
here!"
- Parenting Magazine
+++++++++++++++++++
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." - Mark
Twain
Saturday, September 30, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 30th
"Brother Review"
Arriving for a visit, a woman asked her small grand daughter, "How do you like your new baby brother?"
"Oh, he's all right," the child shrugged. "But there were a lot of things we needed worse."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Terrace Water"
My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage, I asked, "Excuse me. Aren't you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White House press secretary?"
"Yes, I am," he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his lunch to talk to us.
As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess, "Do you know you have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?"
"I'm not sure about that," she replied, "but we have Perrier and Evian at the bar."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ten Minute Wait
I called to make airline reservations and was put on hold. After
several minutes of taped music, a recorded voice came on:
"If you have been waiting longer than ten minutes, you may press
eight. If your call is not answered within five more minutes, you may
press seven. This will not speed up your call, but it will give you
something to do while you wait."
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained
weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the
weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at
dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half,
until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice
led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone.
The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack
of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be
disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked
what her husband said when he found out.
She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate
half!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.
+++++++++++++++++++
ACTUAL AD IN THE CLASSIFIEDS
$10,000 06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington , UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive)
It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a Loving wife. Apparently "Do whatever the #*## you want" Doesn't mean what I thought.
Call me, Steve...(801)867-8292
+++++++++++++++++++
A blind man enters a "Ladies Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair- giving that you are blind that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah....Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Arriving for a visit, a woman asked her small grand daughter, "How do you like your new baby brother?"
"Oh, he's all right," the child shrugged. "But there were a lot of things we needed worse."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "Terrace Water"
My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage, I asked, "Excuse me. Aren't you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White House press secretary?"
"Yes, I am," he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his lunch to talk to us.
As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess, "Do you know you have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?"
"I'm not sure about that," she replied, "but we have Perrier and Evian at the bar."
+++++++++++++++++++
Ten Minute Wait
I called to make airline reservations and was put on hold. After
several minutes of taped music, a recorded voice came on:
"If you have been waiting longer than ten minutes, you may press
eight. If your call is not answered within five more minutes, you may
press seven. This will not speed up your call, but it will give you
something to do while you wait."
+++++++++++++++++++
A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained
weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the
weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at
dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half,
until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice
led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone.
The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack
of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be
disappointed. Everyone commiserated, until someone asked
what her husband said when he found out.
She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate
half!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.
+++++++++++++++++++
ACTUAL AD IN THE CLASSIFIEDS
$10,000 06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
Farmington , UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006
2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive)
It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a Loving wife. Apparently "Do whatever the #*## you want" Doesn't mean what I thought.
Call me, Steve...(801)867-8292
+++++++++++++++++++
A blind man enters a "Ladies Bar" by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair- giving that you are blind that you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares, "Nah....Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Friday, September 29, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 29th
"Taps System"
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.
One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "No," three taps meant "Yes," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"More important than learning how to recall things is finding ways to forget things that are cluttering the mind."
- James Waddell Alexander, II
+++++++++++++++++++
"Testimony"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The priest is repairing the church fence. A boy is standing nearby for a long while.
The priest asks him: "Do you want to speak with me, my son?"
"No, I'm just waiting."
"Waiting for what?"
"Waiting to hear what a priest says when he hits his finger with a hammer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Broken Escalator
The escalator was broken and the only way out of the airport was up a
flight of stairs. I had a big suitcase and a sore knee. I began
dragging my bag and it was making a loud thud on every step when a
man behind me grabbed my bag and carried it to the top.
"That was so chivalrous," I gushed, thanking him.
"Chivalry had nothing to do with it," he said. "I've got a splitting headache."
+++++++++++++++++++
When my son was about eight, his older sister was on a trip with a school
club and would be calling for a ride home when the bus got back to the
school.
My son and I were watching TV and I told him that in case I were to doze
off, please be sure to answer the phone because his sister would be calling
for a ride home. Well I did doze off for a bit and when I awoke, I asked him
if the phone had rang. He said yes, it rang a few times but it was the phone
company. They want you to pay your phone bill.
I knew that I had already paid the bill, so I asked him what they said to
him and he told me that he didn't answer it, he looked at the caller ID and
knew it was them. Then he showed me the caller ID, it said "pay phone".
Needless to say, his sister didn't think it was so amusing when I told her
what had happened.
+++++++++++++++++++
Interesting News Reports
Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on
'Destructive Pests.' A large number were present.
The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but city officials are
holding their breath until it is officially finished.
The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a
stomach pump."
+++++++++++++++++++
The real reason Grandparents and Grandkids get along with each other so well
is that they both have a common nemesis.
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.
One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "No," three taps meant "Yes," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"More important than learning how to recall things is finding ways to forget things that are cluttering the mind."
- James Waddell Alexander, II
+++++++++++++++++++
"Testimony"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The priest is repairing the church fence. A boy is standing nearby for a long while.
The priest asks him: "Do you want to speak with me, my son?"
"No, I'm just waiting."
"Waiting for what?"
"Waiting to hear what a priest says when he hits his finger with a hammer."
+++++++++++++++++++
Broken Escalator
The escalator was broken and the only way out of the airport was up a
flight of stairs. I had a big suitcase and a sore knee. I began
dragging my bag and it was making a loud thud on every step when a
man behind me grabbed my bag and carried it to the top.
"That was so chivalrous," I gushed, thanking him.
"Chivalry had nothing to do with it," he said. "I've got a splitting headache."
+++++++++++++++++++
When my son was about eight, his older sister was on a trip with a school
club and would be calling for a ride home when the bus got back to the
school.
My son and I were watching TV and I told him that in case I were to doze
off, please be sure to answer the phone because his sister would be calling
for a ride home. Well I did doze off for a bit and when I awoke, I asked him
if the phone had rang. He said yes, it rang a few times but it was the phone
company. They want you to pay your phone bill.
I knew that I had already paid the bill, so I asked him what they said to
him and he told me that he didn't answer it, he looked at the caller ID and
knew it was them. Then he showed me the caller ID, it said "pay phone".
Needless to say, his sister didn't think it was so amusing when I told her
what had happened.
+++++++++++++++++++
Interesting News Reports
Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on
'Destructive Pests.' A large number were present.
The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but city officials are
holding their breath until it is officially finished.
The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a
stomach pump."
+++++++++++++++++++
The real reason Grandparents and Grandkids get along with each other so well
is that they both have a common nemesis.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 28th
"Movie Night"
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a `movie night` with her.
We watched `Hackers`, `The Net`, `Anti-Trust`, `You've Got Mail` and The Matrix. She's still mad at me.
What did I do?
+++++++++++++++++++
Today's Oneliner
The colder the X-ray table the more of you has to be on it.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "On-board Computer"
A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up. Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement:
"Time for service."
+++++++++++++++++++
Benefit Options
Employees are counseled by our benefits department in their choice of
the various options regarding the benefits available to them
(medical, dental, vision coverage, life insurance, etc.). I had just
spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our new
employees. After reviewing the different plans and monthly
deductions, he decided on $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he
had one last question. "Now," he said, "what do I have to do to
collect the money?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Rev. W. O. Taylor, 91, was the oldest man attending the
Southern Baptist Convention a few years ago. At the annual
free breakfast for retirees, Brother Taylor rose and recited
his own alliterative version of the parable of the prodigal
son, which he entitled "The Final Fixing of the Foolish
Fugitive":
"Feeling footloose, fancy-free, and frisky, this
feather-brained fellow finagled his fond father into forking
over his fortune. Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and
frittered his farthings feasting fabulously with
fair-weather friends. Finally, facing famine, and fleeced by
his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed flinger in a
filthy farmlot. He fain would have filled his frame with
foraged food from the fodder fragments.
"'Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier,' the
frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact.
"Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he
fled for his family.
"Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly.
'Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further
family favors. . .'
"But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching,
frantically flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest
fatling and fix a feast.
"But the fugitive's fault-finding frater, faithfully farming
his father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle
forgiveness of former falderal. His fury flashed, but
fussing was futile.
"His foresighted father figured, 'Such filial fidelity is
fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is
found! Unfurl the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun,
frolic, and frivolity flow freely, former failures forgotten
and folly forsaken. Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for
future fortitude.'"
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a `movie night` with her.
We watched `Hackers`, `The Net`, `Anti-Trust`, `You've Got Mail` and The Matrix. She's still mad at me.
What did I do?
+++++++++++++++++++
Today's Oneliner
The colder the X-ray table the more of you has to be on it.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "On-board Computer"
A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up. Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement:
"Time for service."
+++++++++++++++++++
Benefit Options
Employees are counseled by our benefits department in their choice of
the various options regarding the benefits available to them
(medical, dental, vision coverage, life insurance, etc.). I had just
spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our new
employees. After reviewing the different plans and monthly
deductions, he decided on $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he
had one last question. "Now," he said, "what do I have to do to
collect the money?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Rev. W. O. Taylor, 91, was the oldest man attending the
Southern Baptist Convention a few years ago. At the annual
free breakfast for retirees, Brother Taylor rose and recited
his own alliterative version of the parable of the prodigal
son, which he entitled "The Final Fixing of the Foolish
Fugitive":
"Feeling footloose, fancy-free, and frisky, this
feather-brained fellow finagled his fond father into forking
over his fortune. Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and
frittered his farthings feasting fabulously with
fair-weather friends. Finally, facing famine, and fleeced by
his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed flinger in a
filthy farmlot. He fain would have filled his frame with
foraged food from the fodder fragments.
"'Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier,' the
frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact.
"Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he
fled for his family.
"Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly.
'Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further
family favors. . .'
"But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching,
frantically flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest
fatling and fix a feast.
"But the fugitive's fault-finding frater, faithfully farming
his father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle
forgiveness of former falderal. His fury flashed, but
fussing was futile.
"His foresighted father figured, 'Such filial fidelity is
fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is
found! Unfurl the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun,
frolic, and frivolity flow freely, former failures forgotten
and folly forsaken. Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for
future fortitude.'"
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 27th
"Rough Flight"
The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:
"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.
As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned.
Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'"
"So I took up a collection."
+++++++++++++++++++
Today's CleanQuote
"Make friends before you need them."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Foot in Mouth Disease"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Having survived my first driving lesson, I emerged from the car to come face to face with a woman standing on the pavement. "A bit nerve-wracking, was it?" she asked.
"More than that," I laughed, "My instructor has a foul body odor and has a bit of a wind problem. No way do I want a lesson from him again."
"I know the feeling," said the woman coolly. "I've been married to him for 20 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
1. You've been asked, "What's so hard about preaching?"
2. Others wished they worked only one day a week for a
week's pay!
3. You have ever said, "I'm NEVER going to be a preacher!"
4. You wear your new shoes to church and someone comments,
"We are paying you too much money!"
5. Women call up and say they want you to marry them.
6. You keep relating movies you've seen to sermon topics.
7. Your children are the worst kids in the church!
8. You name your bed "The Word." (You tell everyone that you
"Stay in the Word.")
9. You jiggle all the commode handles at the church before
you leave.
10. Instead of being "ticked off," you get "grieved in your
spirit."
11. You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken
and discover you were.
+++++++++++++++++++
After I got looking at the want-ads, I noticed an ad which read, "Persian
Cat. Free to Good Home."
I called the woman who placed the ad. She started bragging on the bloodline,
virtues, training, etc., etc.
I interrupted her. "Never mind all that, lady. Is he tender?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Army assigned a group of eminent psychiatrists to determine the best way
to select soldiers for duty on the various fighting fronts. After many
tests, the learned professors made their report:
"The best way to find out whether a soldier would be more effective in the
desert or in the north was to ask him, 'What kind of weather do you like --
hot or cold?'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that
makes me sick." - Sandra Wilson
The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:
"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.
As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned.
Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'"
"So I took up a collection."
+++++++++++++++++++
Today's CleanQuote
"Make friends before you need them."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Foot in Mouth Disease"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Having survived my first driving lesson, I emerged from the car to come face to face with a woman standing on the pavement. "A bit nerve-wracking, was it?" she asked.
"More than that," I laughed, "My instructor has a foul body odor and has a bit of a wind problem. No way do I want a lesson from him again."
"I know the feeling," said the woman coolly. "I've been married to him for 20 years."
+++++++++++++++++++
1. You've been asked, "What's so hard about preaching?"
2. Others wished they worked only one day a week for a
week's pay!
3. You have ever said, "I'm NEVER going to be a preacher!"
4. You wear your new shoes to church and someone comments,
"We are paying you too much money!"
5. Women call up and say they want you to marry them.
6. You keep relating movies you've seen to sermon topics.
7. Your children are the worst kids in the church!
8. You name your bed "The Word." (You tell everyone that you
"Stay in the Word.")
9. You jiggle all the commode handles at the church before
you leave.
10. Instead of being "ticked off," you get "grieved in your
spirit."
11. You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken
and discover you were.
+++++++++++++++++++
After I got looking at the want-ads, I noticed an ad which read, "Persian
Cat. Free to Good Home."
I called the woman who placed the ad. She started bragging on the bloodline,
virtues, training, etc., etc.
I interrupted her. "Never mind all that, lady. Is he tender?"
+++++++++++++++++++
The Army assigned a group of eminent psychiatrists to determine the best way
to select soldiers for duty on the various fighting fronts. After many
tests, the learned professors made their report:
"The best way to find out whether a soldier would be more effective in the
desert or in the north was to ask him, 'What kind of weather do you like --
hot or cold?'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that
makes me sick." - Sandra Wilson
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 26th
Vernon Allen professor of accounting at FSU Ocala noticed that his kitchen sink at
his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the
next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working
as before.
Vernon was delighted. However, when the plumber gave
him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.
"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.
Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to
him, "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't
you come to our company and apply for a plumber position?
You will earn three times as much as a professor. But
remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only
seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."
So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his
life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or
two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.
One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that
every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the
eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just
happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher,
to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the
area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He
jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had
forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he
filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and
other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As
a result, he got "minus pi times r square."
He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He
got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he
always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a
frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch
the limits of the integral!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"My wife and I know we have to make a few sacrifices for our marriage to
work, but the animal shelter people are beginning to get a little
suspicious." - Jerry Embry
+++++++++++++++++++
Motorcycle Inflammation
How a motorcyclist nurses an inflamed appendix...
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: “Get well quick... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”
+++++++++++++++++++
St. Peter's Politics
Looking for a spectacular bungalow-mansion in heaven?
While standing in line at the Pearly Gates, a minister stood sizing up the applicants. The guy in front of him was obviously wealthy, with a tailored suit and expensive briefcase.
When they got to the gates, St. Peter asked the well-dressed man, “So what was your occupation?”
The man answered, “I was a politician.”
St. Peter ran over and hit a huge gong.
Immediately full choirs of angels appeared, singing a joyful chorus. A golden carpet rolled out, leading to one of the biggest mansions in all of heaven.
The minister thought to himself, “Well, if a politician gets that sort of welcome, I can hardly wait to see what I get!”
Sure enough, he stepped up to St Peter and announced, “I was a full-time minister for 40 years, working day and night for God.”
Without even looking up, St. Peter handed him a rather ordinary key and pointed him to a nice, but not particularly spectacular bungalow-mansion.
“There must be some mistake,” the minister replied. “That lawyer got a hero's welcome, but I only get a smallish house.”
St. Peter replied, “we've got a lot of ministers up here, but he's our first politician!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Wish-Granting Mirror
Mirror, Mirror on the French Wall - who's the fairest blonde of all?
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there's a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth. If you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.
The brunette goes first. “I think I'm the smartest woman on earth.”
“POOF!” She disappears.
The redhead goes up to try. “I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth.”
“POOF!” She disappears.
The blonde goes up. “I think...”
“POOF!”
his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the
next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working
as before.
Vernon was delighted. However, when the plumber gave
him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.
"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.
Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to
him, "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't
you come to our company and apply for a plumber position?
You will earn three times as much as a professor. But
remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only
seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."
So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his
life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or
two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.
One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that
every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the
eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just
happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher,
to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the
area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He
jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had
forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he
filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and
other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As
a result, he got "minus pi times r square."
He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He
got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he
always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a
frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch
the limits of the integral!!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"My wife and I know we have to make a few sacrifices for our marriage to
work, but the animal shelter people are beginning to get a little
suspicious." - Jerry Embry
+++++++++++++++++++
Motorcycle Inflammation
How a motorcyclist nurses an inflamed appendix...
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence: “Get well quick... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.”
+++++++++++++++++++
St. Peter's Politics
Looking for a spectacular bungalow-mansion in heaven?
While standing in line at the Pearly Gates, a minister stood sizing up the applicants. The guy in front of him was obviously wealthy, with a tailored suit and expensive briefcase.
When they got to the gates, St. Peter asked the well-dressed man, “So what was your occupation?”
The man answered, “I was a politician.”
St. Peter ran over and hit a huge gong.
Immediately full choirs of angels appeared, singing a joyful chorus. A golden carpet rolled out, leading to one of the biggest mansions in all of heaven.
The minister thought to himself, “Well, if a politician gets that sort of welcome, I can hardly wait to see what I get!”
Sure enough, he stepped up to St Peter and announced, “I was a full-time minister for 40 years, working day and night for God.”
Without even looking up, St. Peter handed him a rather ordinary key and pointed him to a nice, but not particularly spectacular bungalow-mansion.
“There must be some mistake,” the minister replied. “That lawyer got a hero's welcome, but I only get a smallish house.”
St. Peter replied, “we've got a lot of ministers up here, but he's our first politician!”
+++++++++++++++++++
Wish-Granting Mirror
Mirror, Mirror on the French Wall - who's the fairest blonde of all?
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there's a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth. If you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror.
The brunette goes first. “I think I'm the smartest woman on earth.”
“POOF!” She disappears.
The redhead goes up to try. “I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth.”
“POOF!” She disappears.
The blonde goes up. “I think...”
“POOF!”
Monday, September 25, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 25th
The new pastor was winding down the service. In the back of the church, the
fellowship committee stood to go to the church hall and prepare snacks for
the congregation. Seeing them rise, Pastor Mike, not remembering the names
of the women he'd so recently met, still wanted to single out their
committee for praise.
"Before they all slip out," he urged, "let's give these ladies a big hand in
the rear."
+++++++++++++++++++
My kid brother, a strict vegetarian, travels abroad for long periods on
business. When he got back from Europe one time, he called our parents' home
and told Dad he was about to pay them an unexpected visit.
When Dad hung up the phone, he called to mother. "The prodigal son is
returning! Kill the fatted zucchini!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
+++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear that they're closing all the Wal-Marts and K-Marts in Iraq this week?
They're turning them into Targets.
++++++++++++++++++
Mummy’s Heart Attack
An archaeologist was digging in Israel’s Negev Desert and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the archaeologist of a prestigious natural-history museum.
“I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.
The curator replied, “Bring him in and we'll check it out.”
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”
“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'.”
+++++++++++++++++++
My brother Dan (not you, church brother Dan) & the buffalo
Dan, dressed up as Indian, walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a bull buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, " Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets Dan a tall mug of coffee. Dan drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning Dan returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
Dan smiles and proudly says, "Me training for position in the office of a United States Congressman: my career goals are come in, drink coffee, shoot bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
Dan obviously has succeeded in achieving these career goals while avoiding life in D.C.
fellowship committee stood to go to the church hall and prepare snacks for
the congregation. Seeing them rise, Pastor Mike, not remembering the names
of the women he'd so recently met, still wanted to single out their
committee for praise.
"Before they all slip out," he urged, "let's give these ladies a big hand in
the rear."
+++++++++++++++++++
My kid brother, a strict vegetarian, travels abroad for long periods on
business. When he got back from Europe one time, he called our parents' home
and told Dad he was about to pay them an unexpected visit.
When Dad hung up the phone, he called to mother. "The prodigal son is
returning! Kill the fatted zucchini!"
+++++++++++++++++++
The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
+++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear that they're closing all the Wal-Marts and K-Marts in Iraq this week?
They're turning them into Targets.
++++++++++++++++++
Mummy’s Heart Attack
An archaeologist was digging in Israel’s Negev Desert and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the archaeologist of a prestigious natural-history museum.
“I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!” the excited scientist exclaimed.
The curator replied, “Bring him in and we'll check it out.”
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. “You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?”
“Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'.”
+++++++++++++++++++
My brother Dan (not you, church brother Dan) & the buffalo
Dan, dressed up as Indian, walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a bull buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, " Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He gets Dan a tall mug of coffee. Dan drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks out.
The next morning Dan returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
Dan smiles and proudly says, "Me training for position in the office of a United States Congressman: my career goals are come in, drink coffee, shoot bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
Dan obviously has succeeded in achieving these career goals while avoiding life in D.C.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 24th
Contacting the IT Help Desk
[A quick check list for those who need to make contact.]
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it
buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals,
dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a
life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error
messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee.
That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing
for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's
keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get
into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete
it at once. We're just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and
spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up
and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
electronics in it.
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer
support from work. We can fix your telephone line from here.
10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call
computer support. We're collectors.
11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T.
person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of
the problem. We love a puzzle.
12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have
cartridges in them, be sure to argue. We love a good argument.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply
in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by
shortly?" That motivates us.
14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job
to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I want to know how God created this world. I am not interested in this or that phenomenon, in the spectrum of this or that element. I want to know His thoughts; the rest are details."
- Albert Einstein
+++++++++++++++++++
"Honesty"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
It was a full auditorium. Halfway through the author's talk,she began to feel sick. In a calm voice, she announced that she had left a few pages of her speech offstage, in her bag.
She walked off slowly and, as soon as she was out of sight, ran to the bathroom where she immediately threw up.
She was just about finished when someone came into the bathroom to tell her that her lapel mike was still on.
+++++++++++++++++++
Job Application
Last employer: U.S. Army
Job title: Sergeant
Job duties: Fighting
Location: Iraq
Reason for leaving: Won the war.
+++++++++++++++++++
To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian
restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and studied
it with an appraising eye.
"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said finally.
"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."
+++++++++++++++++++
I'd gladly participate in any experiment to test the effect of sudden wealth
on an individual.
+++++++++++++++++++
Sure Cure for a Headache
[Heard on an Indiana radio station...]
Sandra Smithson is recovering in the Kokomo Hospital after suffering a self-inflicted shotgun wound to her foot. Her daughter explained, “Mama had this really bad corn on her toe. Finally one day she just couldn’t take it anymore and she tried to shoot it off.”
After a brief and thoughtful pause, the daughter added “I’m sure glad mama didn’t have migranes!”
[A quick check list for those who need to make contact.]
1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it
buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals,
dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a
life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error
messages from here.
3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee.
That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing
for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's
keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get
into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete
it at once. We're just testing.
6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and
spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up
and flags it as a rush delivery.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
electronics in it.
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer
support from work. We can fix your telephone line from here.
10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call
computer support. We're collectors.
11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T.
person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of
the problem. We love a puzzle.
12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have
cartridges in them, be sure to argue. We love a good argument.
13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply
in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by
shortly?" That motivates us.
14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job
to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"I want to know how God created this world. I am not interested in this or that phenomenon, in the spectrum of this or that element. I want to know His thoughts; the rest are details."
- Albert Einstein
+++++++++++++++++++
"Honesty"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
It was a full auditorium. Halfway through the author's talk,she began to feel sick. In a calm voice, she announced that she had left a few pages of her speech offstage, in her bag.
She walked off slowly and, as soon as she was out of sight, ran to the bathroom where she immediately threw up.
She was just about finished when someone came into the bathroom to tell her that her lapel mike was still on.
+++++++++++++++++++
Job Application
Last employer: U.S. Army
Job title: Sergeant
Job duties: Fighting
Location: Iraq
Reason for leaving: Won the war.
+++++++++++++++++++
To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian
restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and studied
it with an appraising eye.
"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said finally.
"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."
+++++++++++++++++++
I'd gladly participate in any experiment to test the effect of sudden wealth
on an individual.
+++++++++++++++++++
Sure Cure for a Headache
[Heard on an Indiana radio station...]
Sandra Smithson is recovering in the Kokomo Hospital after suffering a self-inflicted shotgun wound to her foot. Her daughter explained, “Mama had this really bad corn on her toe. Finally one day she just couldn’t take it anymore and she tried to shoot it off.”
After a brief and thoughtful pause, the daughter added “I’m sure glad mama didn’t have migranes!”
Saturday, September 23, 2006
hUJMOR For Sept. 23rd
"Real 911 Calls"
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the fire department put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the fire department could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Calories are delicious.
+++++++++++++++++++
"New Sanctuary"
A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary.
It was an intricate task that was completed successfully. The local news heralded, "St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Anesthesia
An oral surgeon was scheduled to extract four wisdom teeth from Jim,
a high-school football player, who had opted to be sedated for the
procedure. As the intravenous anesthesia was being administered, the
doctor asked Jim how he was feeling.
"Man," he replied, struggling to keep his eyes open, "I feel like I'm
in English class."
+++++++++++++++++++
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little
children of her own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when
we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play
hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and
have lots of quarters for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like
pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers
and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your
shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like "Why isn't God married?"
and "How come dogs chase cats?"
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we
ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if
you don't have television, because they are the only
grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they
say prayers with us every time, and they kiss us even when
we've acted bad.
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. ''Oh,'' he
said, ''she lives at the airport, and when we want her we
just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit, we
take her back to the airport.''
+++++++++++++++++++
Money can't buy happiness, but it can take you to a lot more places to look
for it.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the fire department put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the fire department could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Calories are delicious.
+++++++++++++++++++
"New Sanctuary"
A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary.
It was an intricate task that was completed successfully. The local news heralded, "St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant."
+++++++++++++++++++
Anesthesia
An oral surgeon was scheduled to extract four wisdom teeth from Jim,
a high-school football player, who had opted to be sedated for the
procedure. As the intravenous anesthesia was being administered, the
doctor asked Jim how he was feeling.
"Man," he replied, struggling to keep his eyes open, "I feel like I'm
in English class."
+++++++++++++++++++
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little
children of her own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when
we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play
hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and
have lots of quarters for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like
pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers
and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your
shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like "Why isn't God married?"
and "How come dogs chase cats?"
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we
ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if
you don't have television, because they are the only
grownups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they
say prayers with us every time, and they kiss us even when
we've acted bad.
A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. ''Oh,'' he
said, ''she lives at the airport, and when we want her we
just go get her. Then when we're done having her visit, we
take her back to the airport.''
+++++++++++++++++++
Money can't buy happiness, but it can take you to a lot more places to look
for it.
Friday, September 22, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 22nd
"Dining Problem"
Everyone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic - the problems of dining out. She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?"
Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Never remember what you can afford to forget."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Advertising"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller-- guaranteed to work."
I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
+++++++++++++++++++
Dependents
A man, submitting information to his income tax preparer, was asked
how many dependents he had.
"Sixteen," he replied.
The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"
The man replied, "Not if I can help it."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Karen, do you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"
Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair.
But your husband is still alive.
I know, but his hair is gone.
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a telemarketer who was trying to make a particularly difficult
sale. Just as the person was about to hang up, the telemarketer said, "Look,
pretend I'm your kid asking for money. What would you say?"
The man hung up instantly.
+++++++++++++++++++
"A free lunch is only found in mousetraps." - John Capozzi
+++++++++++++++++++
A stewardess was getting very annoyed by three little
children on the plane. They had been bugging her since
take-off, complaining that they were hungry or bored or
tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom or whatever
else you could imagine a small child commenting on and
complaining about.
Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the
children said that they were bored, the stewardess told them
to go play outside.
+++++++++++++++++++
A stewardess was getting very annoyed by three little
children on the plane. They had been bugging her since
take-off, complaining that they were hungry or bored or
tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom or whatever
else you could imagine a small child commenting on and
complaining about.
Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the
children said that they were bored, the stewardess told them
to go play outside.
Everyone had weighed in, and our diet-workshop leader began her lecture on the week's topic - the problems of dining out. She talked about alternatives, such as requesting diet sodas and dressings, and having meat broiled instead of fried. Finally she turned the question over to the group for discussion. "What is the greatest problem you encounter when going out to eat?"
Replied one woman quickly, "Running into you!"
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Never remember what you can afford to forget."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Advertising"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller-- guaranteed to work."
I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.
+++++++++++++++++++
Dependents
A man, submitting information to his income tax preparer, was asked
how many dependents he had.
"Sixteen," he replied.
The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"
The man replied, "Not if I can help it."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Karen, do you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"
Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair.
But your husband is still alive.
I know, but his hair is gone.
+++++++++++++++++++
There was a telemarketer who was trying to make a particularly difficult
sale. Just as the person was about to hang up, the telemarketer said, "Look,
pretend I'm your kid asking for money. What would you say?"
The man hung up instantly.
+++++++++++++++++++
"A free lunch is only found in mousetraps." - John Capozzi
+++++++++++++++++++
A stewardess was getting very annoyed by three little
children on the plane. They had been bugging her since
take-off, complaining that they were hungry or bored or
tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom or whatever
else you could imagine a small child commenting on and
complaining about.
Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the
children said that they were bored, the stewardess told them
to go play outside.
+++++++++++++++++++
A stewardess was getting very annoyed by three little
children on the plane. They had been bugging her since
take-off, complaining that they were hungry or bored or
tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom or whatever
else you could imagine a small child commenting on and
complaining about.
Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the
children said that they were bored, the stewardess told them
to go play outside.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 21
Bank Trouble
The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some
terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" asked the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank
is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the
world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks
with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Doctor News"
The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Borscht"
With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't the world's greatest rock stars.
I mean, everyone knows that the heart of rock and roll is the beet.
+++++++++++++++++++
It had been a horrible week for Henry.
An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university,
he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion
would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that
he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always
packed, and two years ago he was honored by the
undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.
No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a
successful research project in several years. The last paper
that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of
"Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation,
particularly for a non-tenured professor.
The week started with a shock. He received notice that his
research grants would not be renewed for the coming year.
And, if that was not enough, the dean called him into his
office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless
he had a paper accepted for publication by a major
entomology journal before the end of the school year.
Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning
lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the
past, this had always had been effective in relieving
tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were
dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a
parasite.
But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the
order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected
mammals, not plants.
He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a
species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.
He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full
of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly
wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was
immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology.
His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure.
And, he received a new major grant to study this new
species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some
terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" asked the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank
is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the
world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks
with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Doctor News"
The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Borscht"
With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't the world's greatest rock stars.
I mean, everyone knows that the heart of rock and roll is the beet.
+++++++++++++++++++
It had been a horrible week for Henry.
An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university,
he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion
would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that
he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always
packed, and two years ago he was honored by the
undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.
No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a
successful research project in several years. The last paper
that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of
"Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation,
particularly for a non-tenured professor.
The week started with a shock. He received notice that his
research grants would not be renewed for the coming year.
And, if that was not enough, the dean called him into his
office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless
he had a paper accepted for publication by a major
entomology journal before the end of the school year.
Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning
lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the
past, this had always had been effective in relieving
tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were
dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a
parasite.
But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the
order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected
mammals, not plants.
He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a
species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.
He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full
of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly
wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was
immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology.
His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure.
And, he received a new major grant to study this new
species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
hUMOR For Sept. 21st
Bank Trouble
The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some
terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" asked the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank
is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the
world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks
with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Doctor News"
The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Borscht"
With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't the world's greatest rock stars.
I mean, everyone knows that the heart of rock and roll is the beet.
+++++++++++++++++++
It had been a horrible week for Henry.
An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university,
he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion
would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that
he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always
packed, and two years ago he was honored by the
undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.
No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a
successful research project in several years. The last paper
that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of
"Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation,
particularly for a non-tenured professor.
The week started with a shock. He received notice that his
research grants would not be renewed for the coming year.
And, if that was not enough, the dean called him into his
office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless
he had a paper accepted for publication by a major
entomology journal before the end of the school year.
Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning
lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the
past, this had always had been effective in relieving
tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were
dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a
parasite.
But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the
order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected
mammals, not plants.
He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a
species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.
He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full
of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly
wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was
immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology.
His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure.
And, he received a new major grant to study this new
species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some
terrible financial advice!" she cried.
"I did? What did I tell you?" asked the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank
is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the
world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks
with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Doctor News"
The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
Beware of buying anything when the manuals are bigger than the equipment.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Borscht"
With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't the world's greatest rock stars.
I mean, everyone knows that the heart of rock and roll is the beet.
+++++++++++++++++++
It had been a horrible week for Henry.
An entomologist (insect scientist) at the local university,
he was up for a promotion this year. With the promotion
would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that
he couldn't teach. His Biology 210 classes were always
packed, and two years ago he was honored by the
undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher.
No, his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a
successful research project in several years. The last paper
that he'd published was three years ago. In an age of
"Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation,
particularly for a non-tenured professor.
The week started with a shock. He received notice that his
research grants would not be renewed for the coming year.
And, if that was not enough, the dean called him into his
office to tell him his contract would not be renewed unless
he had a paper accepted for publication by a major
entomology journal before the end of the school year.
Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning
lecture was over so that he could work in his garden. In the
past, this had always had been effective in relieving
tension. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were
dying. On closer examination found they were infested with a
parasite.
But what were these insects? They appeared to belong to the
order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected
mammals, not plants.
He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a
species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before.
He gathered up several specimens and rushed to his lab, full
of new vigor. He examined the insects in detail and rapidly
wrote an article describing this new species of insect.
Well, I'm sure you know the result. The article was
immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology.
His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure.
And, he received a new major grant to study this new
species.
You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.
+++++++++++++++++++
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 20th
Computer Crashed
The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up.
After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over.
"Your hard drive crashed," he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is
down. The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know
that's the problem?"
"A student told me," I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away.
+++++++++++++++++++
If Noah had to build the ark in 2006, his story may have
gone something like this:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am
going to make it rain, and the rain shall not stop until it
submerges the entire earth and all living flesh is
destroyed. Because of this, I want you to save the righteous
people and two of every living species on earth. Therefore,
I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications
for an Ark. Daunted by this task, but respectful of God's
wishes, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete and fill the
Ark in one year's time."
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the
earth and all the seas of the earth went into turmoil. The
Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me, " cried Noah. "I did my best, but
there were big problems.
"First I had to get a permit for construction, and your
plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an
engineering firm and redraw the plans.
"Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the
Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation
devices.
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to
get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark because
there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.
I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really
needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and
Wildlife Service won't let me take the two owls.
"The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations
Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now I
have 16 carpenters on the Ark but still no owls.
"When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal
rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of
each kind aboard. This suit is pending.
"Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete
the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on
your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the
idea.
"Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the
proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.
"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed by the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.
"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building
the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying
the state some kind of user tax that I owe them and that I
failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'
"And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction
against further construction of the Ark, saying that since
God is flooding the Earth, it's a religious event, and
therefore unconstitutional.
"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five
or six years."
Noah waited.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas
began to calm. A rainbow arced across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to
destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government
already has."
+++++++++++++++++++
Instructions for Microsoft's TV Dinner:
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept
Microsoft rights to the TV dinner. You may not give anyone else a bite of
your dinner as outlined in the TV Dinner Piracy section of the user
agreement. You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and
are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the
oven using the command line:
\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set
itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the
dinner, the weight of the dinner, the desired level of cooking and press
start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly
to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must
be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven
and enter:
ms.no.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then
doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than
the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are
empty. These are for future menu items.
If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your
equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken XP variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call
MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another
variety. Microsoft Chicken XP is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue support for all smaller
versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the
larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be
saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after Chicken XP. However,
that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled
in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer,
causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your
freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
No other company is allowed to create items to be used with Microsoft
dinners without first partnering with Microsoft. This is solely to protect
the consumer and is not intended to impede progress and creativity in the
dinner industry. This includes, but is not limited to desert.
You may not play a game or use an application while you eat your Microsoft
dinner unless that game or application was designed by a Microsoft partner
and is certified by Microsoft to be %100 compatible with your Microsoft
dinner.
You are only leasing your Microsoft dinner, you agree to not "reverse
engineer" your Microsoft dinner or send it out of the country. You may store
one backup Microsoft dinner for personal use.
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife is always complaining about how I blow my nose into the towel after
I finish toweling off. Apparently, Little Miss Lack of Foresight doesn't
realize that after a few days, I'm no longer just drying off, I'm
exfoliating.
The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up.
After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over.
"Your hard drive crashed," he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is
down. The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know
that's the problem?"
"A student told me," I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away.
+++++++++++++++++++
If Noah had to build the ark in 2006, his story may have
gone something like this:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am
going to make it rain, and the rain shall not stop until it
submerges the entire earth and all living flesh is
destroyed. Because of this, I want you to save the righteous
people and two of every living species on earth. Therefore,
I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications
for an Ark. Daunted by this task, but respectful of God's
wishes, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete and fill the
Ark in one year's time."
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the
earth and all the seas of the earth went into turmoil. The
Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me, " cried Noah. "I did my best, but
there were big problems.
"First I had to get a permit for construction, and your
plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an
engineering firm and redraw the plans.
"Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the
Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation
devices.
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to
get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark because
there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.
I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really
needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and
Wildlife Service won't let me take the two owls.
"The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations
Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now I
have 16 carpenters on the Ark but still no owls.
"When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal
rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of
each kind aboard. This suit is pending.
"Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete
the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on
your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the
idea.
"Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the
proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.
"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed by the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.
"The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building
the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying
the state some kind of user tax that I owe them and that I
failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'
"And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction
against further construction of the Ark, saying that since
God is flooding the Earth, it's a religious event, and
therefore unconstitutional.
"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five
or six years."
Noah waited.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas
began to calm. A rainbow arced across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to
destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government
already has."
+++++++++++++++++++
Instructions for Microsoft's TV Dinner:
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept
Microsoft rights to the TV dinner. You may not give anyone else a bite of
your dinner as outlined in the TV Dinner Piracy section of the user
agreement. You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and
are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the
oven using the command line:
\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//
Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set
itself and cook the dinner.
If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the
dinner, the weight of the dinner, the desired level of cooking and press
start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly
to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must
be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven
and enter:
ms.no.good/tryagain\again/again.crap.
This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then
doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than
the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are
empty. These are for future menu items.
If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your
equipment. Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken XP variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call
MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another
variety. Microsoft Chicken XP is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue support for all smaller
versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the
larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be
saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after Chicken XP. However,
that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled
in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer,
causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your
freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
No other company is allowed to create items to be used with Microsoft
dinners without first partnering with Microsoft. This is solely to protect
the consumer and is not intended to impede progress and creativity in the
dinner industry. This includes, but is not limited to desert.
You may not play a game or use an application while you eat your Microsoft
dinner unless that game or application was designed by a Microsoft partner
and is certified by Microsoft to be %100 compatible with your Microsoft
dinner.
You are only leasing your Microsoft dinner, you agree to not "reverse
engineer" your Microsoft dinner or send it out of the country. You may store
one backup Microsoft dinner for personal use.
+++++++++++++++++++
My wife is always complaining about how I blow my nose into the towel after
I finish toweling off. Apparently, Little Miss Lack of Foresight doesn't
realize that after a few days, I'm no longer just drying off, I'm
exfoliating.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 19th
My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly
mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to
access the popular Ask Jeeves website, and we told her it
could answer any question she had. Nancy's mother was very
skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of
something to ask it."
As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's
mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen
feeling?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you
drive."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Overdrawn"
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."
"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Consistency isn't always good especially if you're consistently wrong."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Perfection"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must have messed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!
mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to
access the popular Ask Jeeves website, and we told her it
could answer any question she had. Nancy's mother was very
skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of
something to ask it."
As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's
mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen
feeling?"
+++++++++++++++++++
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you
drive."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Overdrawn"
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."
"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"Consistency isn't always good especially if you're consistently wrong."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Perfection"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must have messed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!
Monday, September 18, 2006
hU,MOR For Sept. 18th
"Gym Oops"
New to the United States, I was eager to meet people. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym.
Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And that's my husband - the fat one."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"There is something wrong if you're always right."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Tradition"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The church I serve has a summer ministry at a chapel. At our first service last summer, the chairman of the board of deacons met me at the door with the information that there were no offering plates to be found. None of the men wore hats, and he thought it undignified to pass a shoe. He had tried to borrow something suitable from a house nearby, but no one was home. When I went to the chancel to begin the service, the problem was still unsolved.
Time came for the offering, and two ushers walked down the aisle wearing broad grins and carrying shiny receptacles. The deacon had resourcefully borrowed two hubcaps from a parishioner's car.
+++++++++++++++++++
Got Juice?
(A true story...)
Last weekend, my wife and I and our young daughter Brianna, traveled
out-of-town to visit Grandma and Grandpa. We arrived around 9:00
PM. Of course, Grandpa and Grandma are waiting for us. Well not
exactly us, they wanted to see Brianna. So we get there and Brianna
is showered with lots of love and gifts. One of those gifts is a PVD
player. It's like a DVD player but for little kids and the disks are
different than DVDs. As part of this gift, she got an episode of
"Dora The Exporer" on PVD.
The next day, Brianna watches that PVD over and over and over and
over and over. At the end of the day, she's placed in her bed to go
to sleep. It's been a long day and she's tired, but she takes her PVD
player with her.
About 1/2 hour later, we here her crying. So I walk in there to find
out why. She pointed to her player and said that it was broken.
Well, it was. There was audio but no video. So I restared the player
and the first thing I noticed was the Dead Battery Sign in the upper
right hand corner. The following is the conversation I had with two
and a half year old Brianna:
Dad: "It's not broken, the batteries are just dying."
Brianna: "The batteries are dying?"
Dad: "Yes, The batteries are out of juice."
Slight pause while Brianna processes what Dad just said.
Brianna: "Juice? I've got apple juice. Grandpa's got orange juice."
Dad (with a slight chuckle): "Not that kind of juice."
Brianna (with another pause): "Grandpa's got cow milk."
+++++++++++++++++++
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor
accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse
asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125
pounds."
While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me.
"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
+++++++++++++++++++
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another,
"Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
+++++++++++++++++++
I'm sorry. Am I driving too close in front of you?
New to the United States, I was eager to meet people. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym.
Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And that's my husband - the fat one."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"There is something wrong if you're always right."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Tradition"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The church I serve has a summer ministry at a chapel. At our first service last summer, the chairman of the board of deacons met me at the door with the information that there were no offering plates to be found. None of the men wore hats, and he thought it undignified to pass a shoe. He had tried to borrow something suitable from a house nearby, but no one was home. When I went to the chancel to begin the service, the problem was still unsolved.
Time came for the offering, and two ushers walked down the aisle wearing broad grins and carrying shiny receptacles. The deacon had resourcefully borrowed two hubcaps from a parishioner's car.
+++++++++++++++++++
Got Juice?
(A true story...)
Last weekend, my wife and I and our young daughter Brianna, traveled
out-of-town to visit Grandma and Grandpa. We arrived around 9:00
PM. Of course, Grandpa and Grandma are waiting for us. Well not
exactly us, they wanted to see Brianna. So we get there and Brianna
is showered with lots of love and gifts. One of those gifts is a PVD
player. It's like a DVD player but for little kids and the disks are
different than DVDs. As part of this gift, she got an episode of
"Dora The Exporer" on PVD.
The next day, Brianna watches that PVD over and over and over and
over and over. At the end of the day, she's placed in her bed to go
to sleep. It's been a long day and she's tired, but she takes her PVD
player with her.
About 1/2 hour later, we here her crying. So I walk in there to find
out why. She pointed to her player and said that it was broken.
Well, it was. There was audio but no video. So I restared the player
and the first thing I noticed was the Dead Battery Sign in the upper
right hand corner. The following is the conversation I had with two
and a half year old Brianna:
Dad: "It's not broken, the batteries are just dying."
Brianna: "The batteries are dying?"
Dad: "Yes, The batteries are out of juice."
Slight pause while Brianna processes what Dad just said.
Brianna: "Juice? I've got apple juice. Grandpa's got orange juice."
Dad (with a slight chuckle): "Not that kind of juice."
Brianna (with another pause): "Grandpa's got cow milk."
+++++++++++++++++++
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor
accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse
asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125
pounds."
While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me.
"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
+++++++++++++++++++
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another,
"Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
+++++++++++++++++++
I'm sorry. Am I driving too close in front of you?
Saturday, September 16, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 16th
Hospital Information"
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, Dr. Wilson said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.
"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"
"It wasn't a boy," replied Dr. Wilson.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that makes me sick."
- Sandra Wilson
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "On-board Computer"
A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up. Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement:
"Time for service."
+++++++++++++++++++
Running Away From Home
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled
against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and
his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if
you get hungry?" he asked.
"Then I'll come home and eat!" bravely declared the child.
"And what if you run out of money?"
"I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"
"Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away
from home; he's going off to college."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man had just finished reading the book Man of the House
while riding the commuter train home from work.
When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked
directly up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he
said, "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of
this house and my word is law! You are to prepare me a
gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner,
you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm
finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"
His wife thought for a moment and responded, "The funeral
director is my guess."
+++++++++++++++++++
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
+++++++++++++++++++
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, Dr. Wilson said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.
"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"
"It wasn't a boy," replied Dr. Wilson.
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
"People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that makes me sick."
- Sandra Wilson
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanPun - "On-board Computer"
A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up. Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement:
"Time for service."
+++++++++++++++++++
Running Away From Home
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled
against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and
his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if
you get hungry?" he asked.
"Then I'll come home and eat!" bravely declared the child.
"And what if you run out of money?"
"I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"
"Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away
from home; he's going off to college."
+++++++++++++++++++
A man had just finished reading the book Man of the House
while riding the commuter train home from work.
When he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked
directly up to his wife. Pointing his finger in her face, he
said, "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of
this house and my word is law! You are to prepare me a
gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner,
you're going to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I'm
finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"
His wife thought for a moment and responded, "The funeral
director is my guess."
+++++++++++++++++++
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
+++++++++++++++++++
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Friday, September 15, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 15th
Basic Training
When I was a recruit in Army basic training, one requirement was a
demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6:00 AM and were pumped up
for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if
the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a
fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge, "we
should reach the starting point any minute now."
+++++++++++++++++++
My mother and I returned to my parents' house late one
evening to find my father, my college-age brother, Steven,
and my ten-year-old sister fast asleep.
Mom had forgotten her house keys, so we knocked loudly,
first at the back door and then the front and side doors. We
yelled my father's name over and over, with no answer. The
car horn aroused the neighbors but no one at our house. We
drove into town and phoned home, finally waking Steven.
When we got back, he let us in. Dad was in bed, snoring,
with the television on. Mom quietly switched it off. Dad
woke right up.
"Don't turn that off," he said. "I'm watching it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are going to water
the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?"
"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."
"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."
+++++++++++++++++++
During my recuperation from surgery, my mom stayed with us to help take care
of the children. One night toward the end
of her visit, she was sitting at the kitchen table. As my husband was trying
to squeeze past, Mom politely asked, "Would you like me to move in?"
Without missing a beat, Michael quipped, "No, thank you!"
The next day Dad arrived to pick her up.
+++++++++++++++++++
The trouble with eating at an all-you-can-eat restaurant is that five or six
days later you're hungry again.
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale : Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should
relax and get used to the idea.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
When I was a recruit in Army basic training, one requirement was a
demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6:00 AM and were pumped up
for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if
the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a
fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge, "we
should reach the starting point any minute now."
+++++++++++++++++++
My mother and I returned to my parents' house late one
evening to find my father, my college-age brother, Steven,
and my ten-year-old sister fast asleep.
Mom had forgotten her house keys, so we knocked loudly,
first at the back door and then the front and side doors. We
yelled my father's name over and over, with no answer. The
car horn aroused the neighbors but no one at our house. We
drove into town and phoned home, finally waking Steven.
When we got back, he let us in. Dad was in bed, snoring,
with the television on. Mom quietly switched it off. Dad
woke right up.
"Don't turn that off," he said. "I'm watching it!"
+++++++++++++++++++
"Mom," said the little girl, "Is it alright to say you are going to water
the horse when you are giving him a drink of water?"
"Yes," said her mother, "that is the correct thing to say."
"Well then, I'm going to milk the cat."
+++++++++++++++++++
During my recuperation from surgery, my mom stayed with us to help take care
of the children. One night toward the end
of her visit, she was sitting at the kitchen table. As my husband was trying
to squeeze past, Mom politely asked, "Would you like me to move in?"
Without missing a beat, Michael quipped, "No, thank you!"
The next day Dad arrived to pick her up.
+++++++++++++++++++
The trouble with eating at an all-you-can-eat restaurant is that five or six
days later you're hungry again.
+++++++++++++++++++
Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale : Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
-------------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should
relax and get used to the idea.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
Thursday, September 14, 2006
hUMOR For Sept. 14th
Funeral Procession
My friend, her sister and I were driving in the procession to the
cemetery for the funeral of a distant relative.
"Since we don't really know anybody, do you want to head on home?"
the driver asked.
When the sister nodded, she made a right turn.
We had gotten about a quarter of a mile down the road when the driver
happened to look in the rear-view mirror. The rest of the procession
was still following us!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Money Date"
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush, "Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fishing"
Ernie had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four walleye. He told the fish salesman, "Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?"
"Ok. But, why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus'
mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name
was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about
Verge 'n' Mary."
+++++++++++++++++++
A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though
the weather that morning was questionable and clouds
were forming, she made her daily trek to the
elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the
winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.
The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her
daughter would be frightened as she walked home from
school and she herself feared that the electrical
storm might harm her child. Following the roar of
thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut
through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly
got into her car and drove along the route to her
child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl
walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the
child would stop, look up and smile. Another and
another were to follow quickly and with each the
little girl would look at the streak of light and
smile.
When the mother's car drew up beside the child she
lowered the window and called to her, "What are you
doing? Why do you keep stopping?" The child answered,
"I am trying to look pretty. God keeps taking my
picture."
May God bless you today as you face the storms that
come your way.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Card Name"
A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. The reservation specialist asked him,
"Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"
The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make them livid, tell the truth."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Choices"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
My friend, her sister and I were driving in the procession to the
cemetery for the funeral of a distant relative.
"Since we don't really know anybody, do you want to head on home?"
the driver asked.
When the sister nodded, she made a right turn.
We had gotten about a quarter of a mile down the road when the driver
happened to look in the rear-view mirror. The rest of the procession
was still following us!
+++++++++++++++++++
"Money Date"
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush, "Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
+++++++++++++++++++
Oneliner
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Fishing"
Ernie had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four walleye. He told the fish salesman, "Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?"
"Ok. But, why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
+++++++++++++++++++
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus'
mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name
was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about
Verge 'n' Mary."
+++++++++++++++++++
A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though
the weather that morning was questionable and clouds
were forming, she made her daily trek to the
elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the
winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.
The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her
daughter would be frightened as she walked home from
school and she herself feared that the electrical
storm might harm her child. Following the roar of
thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut
through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly
got into her car and drove along the route to her
child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl
walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the
child would stop, look up and smile. Another and
another were to follow quickly and with each the
little girl would look at the streak of light and
smile.
When the mother's car drew up beside the child she
lowered the window and called to her, "What are you
doing? Why do you keep stopping?" The child answered,
"I am trying to look pretty. God keeps taking my
picture."
May God bless you today as you face the storms that
come your way.
+++++++++++++++++++
"Card Name"
A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. The reservation specialist asked him,
"Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"
The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make them livid, tell the truth."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Choices"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
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