hUMOR For July 18th

Location, Location, Location

An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for some kind of
relief. After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection
of heating pads designed for people with back pain .... all on the
bottom shelf.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In keeping with the latest round of military budget cuts and
other funding shortfalls affecting the Department of
Defense, changes will be made to the Joint Federal Travel
Regulations (JFTR).

Lodging:

All military and civilian personnel performing temporary
duty (TDY) are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends
while on government business travel. If weather permits,
public areas such as parks should be used as temporary
lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office
lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.
Employees are encouraged to stop by local commissaries and
post/base exchanges to pick up cardboard boxes, which will
allow them flexibility in lodging accommodations.

Meals:

Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute
minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and
specialty chains, such as Costco, Hickory Farms, General
Nutrition Centers, and occasionally Safeway often provide
free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be
obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar
with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources
available at their destinations. If restaurants must be
utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars.
This is especially effective for employees traveling
together, as one plate can be used to feed the entire group.
Military personnel are also encouraged to bring their own
food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and
Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the
necessary bother of heating or costly preparation. Cost of
these items will not be reimbursed.

Transportation:

Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of
commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be
issued to all military personnel prior to their departure on
TDY. Bus transportation will be used only when work
schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be
authorized in extreme circumstances, and the lowest fares
will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in
Washington, D.C., but a lower fare can be obtained by
traveling to Omaha, NE, then travel to Omaha will be
substituted for travel to Washington, D.C.

Miscellaneous:

All military and civilian personnel are encouraged to devise
innovative techniques in an effort to save tax dollars.
Money could be raised during airport layover periods, which
could be used to defray travel expenses. Red caps will be
issued to all personnel prior to their departure so that
they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage.
Small plastic roses and ballpoint pens will also be
available to personnel so that sales may be made as time
permits. Proceeds must be turned into the military finance
section at the conclusion of the TDY.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Millionaire 1-2-3
by Robert Byron

Hi folks. I recently bought a book called Millionaire 1-2-3 by Charles
Ponzi. At first I was skeptical but after taking a look at the testimonials
I was convinced I had bought a winner.

June Cleaver had this to say about the book, "It is a wonderful book. I have
no idea what the author was talking about but it sure looks good on my
bookshelf."

Andy Taylor says, "This is the best book I ever bought. It fits perfectly
under the bent leg of my coffee table. The table hasn't tipped over since."

Carol Brady comments, "It's a great conversation piece. My husband Mike and
I argue about it all the time."

Timmy Martin said, "Originally I thought the million dollar price tag on the
book was a bit too high but after reading it I thought the million dollar
price tag on the book was a bit too high."

How can the book be so extraordinary you ask? Well quite frankly it isn't
but I know you want to ask, "How does Mr. Ponzi's method work?" It's simple.
First, write a book full of gibberish. Second, sell one copy for a million
bucks and third, keep the money. It's just that simple.

I'm sure you are asking yourself, "Isn't there a better way to make a
million dollars?" Well, now there is. My new book, "Millionaire 1-2" will
explain this new and easy way to make a million dollars. Buy your copy today
but hurry; supplies are limited to the first six billion customers. It's
available now at Woolworth and other fine department stores.

hUMOR For July 17th

A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at Marblegate
Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass
windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind
me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece
of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After
finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.

One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him
gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real
pane!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so
that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the
regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead
soldier.

At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated,
"Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I
intended to kill someone with it."

The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.

Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my
bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and
exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you can't tie good knots, tie plenty of them.
-Yachtsman's Credo

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on
the back.

My sources are unreliable, but their information is
fascinating. -Ashleigh Brilliant

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in
alphabetical order like it should be. - Spike Donner from
Ruminations

The best defense against logic is ignorance.

Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to
discover your mistakes. - Antisthenes

Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on
earth.

When people tell you how young you look, they are also
telling you how old you are. -Cary Grant

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell
them Benjamin Franklin said it first. -David H. Comins

I'm going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider Robinson

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test
a man's character, give him power. -Abraham Lincoln
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and
I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to
get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be
visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before
you leave," I told him.

"I don't have a tape measure."

"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."

"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very
specific guidelines. "Nothing fragrant," she instructed. "Nothing too tall
or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige
and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample." She handed me a plain square of
tan-colored paper.

"Your name?" I asked.

"Mrs. Bland," the woman replied.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Barbara Streisand sings for you.


REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?


SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.


CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.


DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both

to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow,

which was a gift from your government.


BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other,

pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the

2nd one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when one cow drops dead.

You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have

downsized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.


FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an

ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.


GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,

give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.


ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.


RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you

really have.


TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's

private parts.

Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while

they were in the hospital.


IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.


POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk

them.


FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the

black one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is

the best-looking cow.


NEW YORK CORPORATION

You have fifteen million cows.

You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd,

so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.


CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.

Most are illegals.

Arnold likes the ones with the big teats.

Report violation
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a freshman ROTC cadet, I took part in my first Army field-
training exercise. After a long day of rock-climbing and
rappelling, my platoon settled down for our C-rations. Hungry, we
tore into our cardboard boxes, opening cans of "Chicken or Turkey,
Boned," "Cheese Spread, Cheddar" and "Candy, Chocolate, With
Nougat." Then we came upon a device wrapped in a small brown
envelope, labeled: "Stimulant, Interdental" -- a wooden toothpick.

~Wanda D.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal
that has crushed it.
~Mark Twain
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I believe my young daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know
why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school?
But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was
asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She
said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but
not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"

hUMOR For July 17th

A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at Marblegate
Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass
windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind
me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece
of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After
finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.

One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him
gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real
pane!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so
that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the
regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead
soldier.

At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated,
"Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I
intended to kill someone with it."

The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.

Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my
bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My friend's 5 year old granddaughter looked at the stars one night and
exclaimed, "God's home! All his lights are on!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you can't tie good knots, tie plenty of them.
-Yachtsman's Credo

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on
the back.

My sources are unreliable, but their information is
fascinating. -Ashleigh Brilliant

I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, only in
alphabetical order like it should be. - Spike Donner from
Ruminations

The best defense against logic is ignorance.

Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to
discover your mistakes. - Antisthenes

Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on
earth.

When people tell you how young you look, they are also
telling you how old you are. -Cary Grant

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell
them Benjamin Franklin said it first. -David H. Comins

I'm going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider Robinson

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test
a man's character, give him power. -Abraham Lincoln
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and
I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to
get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be
visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before
you leave," I told him.

"I don't have a tape measure."

"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."

"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very
specific guidelines. "Nothing fragrant," she instructed. "Nothing too tall
or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige
and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample." She handed me a plain square of
tan-colored paper.

"Your name?" I asked.

"Mrs. Bland," the woman replied.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Barbara Streisand sings for you.


REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?


SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.


CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.


DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both

to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow,

which was a gift from your government.


BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other,

pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the

2nd one.

You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.

You are surprised when one cow drops dead.

You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have

downsized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.


FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an

ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.

Most are at the top of their class at cow school.


GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,

give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.

Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.


ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

You break for lunch.

Life is good.


RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You have some vodka.

You count them and learn you have five cows.

You have some more vodka.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.

The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you

really have.


TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's

private parts.

Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while

they were in the hospital.


IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.

They go into hiding.

They send radio tapes of their mooing.


POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.

Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk

them.


FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.

Everyone votes for the best looking one.

Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the

black one.

Some people vote for both.

Some people vote for neither.

Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is

the best-looking cow.


NEW YORK CORPORATION

You have fifteen million cows.

You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd,

so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.


CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.

Most are illegals.

Arnold likes the ones with the big teats.

Report violation
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As a freshman ROTC cadet, I took part in my first Army field-
training exercise. After a long day of rock-climbing and
rappelling, my platoon settled down for our C-rations. Hungry, we
tore into our cardboard boxes, opening cans of "Chicken or Turkey,
Boned," "Cheese Spread, Cheddar" and "Candy, Chocolate, With
Nougat." Then we came upon a device wrapped in a small brown
envelope, labeled: "Stimulant, Interdental" -- a wooden toothpick.

~Wanda D.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal
that has crushed it.
~Mark Twain
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I believe my young daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know
why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school?
But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.
I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was
asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart. She
said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but
not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"

hUMOR For July 16th

Math Symbols

While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils, I drew a
greater-than (>) and a less-than (<) sign on the chalkboard and
asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?"

A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand.
"One means fast-forward," he exclaimed, "and the other means rewind!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An Atlanta lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city contributed
to a fund for his funeral. A noted surgeon was asked to donate a dollar. "Only
a dollar?" said the surgeon, "Only a dollar to bury an attorney? Here's
a $20 bill; go bury 20 more of them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A family had a very beautiful vase that was a family heirloom. Their little
Danny boy had been told, "It is our family treasure." One day there was a loud
crash. Little Danny boy began to wail. His mother ran into the room and
found him crying and the vase broken. She asked him, "What is wrong?"

"I broke the family treasure", he cried.

His mother picked him up and said, "Yes, but you are all right."

When Danny boy became a man he said, "I found out that day that little Vernie
was the real family treasure."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"104 Year Best"
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Don't limit a child to your own learning, for they were born in another time." - Rabbinical Saying
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Obedience"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday my son came home and said, "I have good news and bad news. The
good news is I got 18 out of 20 on my driver's test."

I said, "Great! Now what's the bad news?"

He said, "They were pedestrians."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Know When You're From Florida When

You have FEMA's number on your speed dialer.

You have more than 300 'C' and 'D' batteries in your kitchen drawer.

Your pantry contains more than 20 cans of Spaghetti O's.

You are thinking of repainting your house to match the plywood covering
your windows.

When describing your gutted house to a prospective buyer, you say it has
three bedrooms, two baths and an open air feel to it.

Your SSN isn't a secret, it's written in Sharpie on your arms.

You are on a first-name basis with the cashier at Home Depot.

You are delighted to pay $3 for a gallon of regular unleaded.

The road leading to your house has been declared a No Wake Zone.

You decide that your patio furniture looks better on the bottom of the pool.

You rationalize helping a friend board up by thinking "It'll only take a
gallon of gas to get there and back"

Three months ago you couldn't hang a shower curtain; today you can assemble
a portable generator by candlelight.

You catch a 13-pound red fish... in your house.

You consider a "vacation" to stunning Tupelo, Mississippi.

At cocktail parties, women are attracted to the guy with the biggest
chainsaw.

You can rattle off the names of three or more meteorologists who work at the
Weather Channel.

Someone comes to your door to tell you they found your roof.

Your "drive-thru" meal consists of MRE's and bottled water.

Relocating to South Dakota does not seem like such a crazy idea.

You've been laughed at over the phone by a roofer, fence builder or a tree
worker.

A battery powered TV is considered a home entertainment center.

You don't worry about relatives wanting to visit during the summer.

Your child's first words are "hunker down."

Having a tree in your living room does not necessarily mean it's Christmas.

You go to work early and stay late just to enjoy the air conditioning.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

hUMOR For July 15th

"New Diet"
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful - we never even felt hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again.
There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Actually if ya think about it, you really don't need a whole lot of manners if you're driving a 35 ton truck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Tough Kids"
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.
"I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week".
"Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day".
"That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to
a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street
in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything
checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh
at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral
against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into
the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000
and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had
your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park
my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be
there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blonde joke.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vanishing Cream
by Robert Byron

I recently received a spam email claiming that a particular company
manufactured a cream that would firm up a person's buttocks without
exercise. I took the liberty of responding to the company with the following
email:

To whom it may concern,

I received your email today and wanted to take this opportunity to respond
to some of the statements you made in your message.

> Do you suffer from a saggy, unattractive buttocks?

No, but I do have double chin. Is it possible that your product could help
me?

> Wouldn't you love to have those firm buttocks you've always dreamed of?

Actually, my buttocks are just fine. Do you think your product can help me
with my double chin?

> Then you need our revolutionary Buttocks Firming Cream. 100% money back
> guarantee, no exercise required!

What I really need is a revolutionary Double Chin Firming Cream. I hadn't
thought about trying to exercise my double chin and I would be happy to hear
any suggested exercise techniques that you think might help.

Best regards,

Elle McPherson

Shortly afterwards, I received this reply:

Thank you for you inquiry regarding our Buttocks Firming Cream. At this
time, we do not recommend that you use this product on any part of your body
other than the buttocks region. The product has not been tested for or
approved for any other use other than those specifically stated in the
instructions. Use of the product in a manner that differentiates from the
directions will void any and all guarantees made by the manufacturer.

I waited a couple of days before responding with this:

To whom it may concern,

I wish I had read your response to my original email before ordering and
trying your Buttocks Firming Cream on my double chin. Let me say that I'm
sure it is an excellent product for the firming of flabby buttocks, as my
initial results in the reduction of my double chin were quite promising.
However, as time marched on, the cream actually began to shrink my head.
Yesterday, my head was reduced to the size of a baseball. Today it's about
the size of a golf ball. My coworkers are laughing at me and are calling me
"pinhead." Do you make an antidote for this product? I'll pay any price.
Please respond quickly for tomorrow may be too late.

Sincerely,

Elle McPherson

I'm still waiting for a reply.

hUMOR For July 14th

Heart-to-Heart

The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of
his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling
with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.

"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing
comes out of this drinking?"

"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes
me miss the folks I shoot at."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain it to you. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Primer For Accordion Beginners"
Get an accordion. The cheaper the better because they all sound the same.
Do not tell anyone what you have done. It will only cause them to worry.
They will find out soon enough.
Take the accordion out of the case and strap it on. It is better if the accordion rests on your chest instead of your back but, for the first few weeks, it doesn't really make that much difference.
For sounds to be produced, three things must happen. The third is the most important:
1. The bellows must be moving in or out.
2. One or more of the keys or buttons must be pressed.
3. All potential weapons within a one mile radius must be collected and secured.
The buttons on the left side are chord buttons. The "C" button has a dimple or nipple so you can find it without looking. This is a safety feature. Before it was invented, thousands of accordion players suffered painful and sometimes disabling injuries, much to the delight of the general public.
Never use more than three buttons. "Professional" accordionists appear to be using lots of buttons but they are actually just desperately trying to find the stupid "C".
By the way, "Professional" means they have learned to smile while they do it.
Play the black and white keys. The high notes are at the bottom and the low notes are at the top. That arrangement isn't supposed to make any sense. Accept it.
Note: If you find the high notes at the top and the low notes at the bottom, you have either put the accordion on upside down or you have tried to repair it yourself. If the former, turn the accordion over. If the latter, pack your accordion up with hundreds of dollars and mail it far away for a long, long time.
Continue playing until someone begs you to stop or threatens your life, whichever comes first.
Put the accordion back in its case, order an accordion t-shirt and wear it to your state's Accordion Fest.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Something's wrong when kids run wild and dogs are sent to obedience school."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Misery"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Penny, a good Assessment nurse was awakened at 4 a.m. to make a house call. She reluctantly got dressed and braved a snowstorm. After the examination, she told the patient to send immediately for his lawyer and relatives and friends and make a will.
When she got home and told her husband of what she had seen and done. Her husband asked, "Was the patient that bad?"
Penny said, "No, I just didn't want to be the only sucker called out on a night like this."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to
bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in
the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom
window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light
but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is an intruder in your
house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were
busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer
would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up,
counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there
were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about
them now 'cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response
unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.
Of course, the police caught the burglars red handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said
that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an
F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into
the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels. A guide at the
top of the ramp points out the various controls and
gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's
capabilities to each visitor who gets in.

When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all
he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Could I have a
quarter?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went
inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served, the
previews were already being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat
down, put the popcorn in my girlfriend's lap and gave her knee an
affectionate squeeze.

Then I heard a familiar voice say, "Pssst! John! I'm back here."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common
birthday." - Senator John Glenn
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When my brother Vern feels the urge to exercise, he lays down until it goes away.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pie Manners

In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to
help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from
the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and
proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his
father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece
of pie and again watched his father give it to a guest.

This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The
pieces are all the same size."

hUMOR For July 13th

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a
house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the
backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a labrador
retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could
talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the
government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time
at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting
in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their
most valuable spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I
wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I
signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of
puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what
he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you
selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Totally Out of Shape"
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
My daughter asked me one time, "Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Lobster"
A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."
Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for lobster tails . . . is that correct?"
"Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today."
"Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails."
"No," she replied, "they're really big!"
"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?"
"No", she said, "they're really big, red lobster tails"
"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed.
"They must be old lobster tails!"
"No, they're definitely today's."
"Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?" he repeated, astounded.
"Yes", she insisted.
"Well, here's my five dollars," he said, "I'll take one."
She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said,
"Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster ..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Heart-to-Heart

The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a backslider of
his flock, whose drinking of moonshine invariably led to quarreling
with his neighbors, and occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.

"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good thing
comes out of this drinking?"

"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider. "It makes
me miss the folks I shoot at."

hUMOR For July 12th

Not Too Bright

A college friend of mine had a broken lamp which he wanted to
discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator,
making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He
decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He
didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway
rolling back and forth.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Tycoon Banter"
A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most oil.
The Alaskan Oil Tycoon said, "Listen, there is so much oil in Alaska that I could buy enough gold to build a wall of solid gold 100 feet tall and 100 feet wide all the way around the state of Texas".
The Texas Oil Tycoon scratched his chin and adjusted his cowboy hat and said, "Well boy, I'll tell ya what....you just go ahead and build that wall, and if I like it.......I'll buy it".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them 'Benjamin Franklin' said it first."
- David H. Comins
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Debt"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
An old farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. The reporter asked what he is going to do with all the money.
"Oh, I reckon the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills."
"And what about the rest?" the reporter continued.
The farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one
afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.

The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is
that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded yes, so the Irishman told her to give
Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched
back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and
asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced
across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a
cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a redneck
on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and
hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang! How's about gettin' me a
cold glass of Coke?"

He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the
redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "And put it
on my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched
him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The
Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up,
and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him, and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his
back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the
Lord, and did a series of backflips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the redneck. The redneck jumped up
and yelled, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ball Markers

A golfer walks into the Pro Shop at the local course and asks the
golf pro if they sell ball markers.

The golf pro says, "Yes, they are just $1.00 each. "

The guy gives the golf pro a dollar and says he'll take one.

The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in the tray and with
a big smile hands the guy a quarter.

hUMOR For July 11th

"Gender Request"
After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife. It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more minutes."
"Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly.
The doctor replied, "I don't know. It's hard to tell by the ears."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart but he's not very bright."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Wet Postage"
I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet.
He said "postage dew".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A WOMAN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check, or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I
noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping
with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I
could do to him."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never
understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto
your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be
afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
instructor say, "It is essential that husbands and wives
know the things that are important to each other." He then
addressed the men: "Can you describe your wife's favorite
flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently, and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right
here.

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day: 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied,
"The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything
to men."

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meditation is not what you think
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Dr. Laura

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me,
but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good
provider and has many friends and supporters. They
know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the
issue. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers
are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies
it all. Then, eventually, he admits that he was wrong
and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for
so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I
don't know what to do. Please help!

Signed,
Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

You should dump him! Now that you are finally a New
York Senator, you don't need him anymore!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A blonde was driving home after a Redskins game,
and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was
covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a
repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a
blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail
pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands
and knees and started blowing into her cars tailpipe.
Nothing happened.

She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,
"What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had
instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to
get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said,.. ."HELLLLO"

"You need to roll up the windows!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Growing Old -- SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This an eye opener; some probably never thought nor
looked at this Psalm in this way, even though they say
it over and over again.

The Lord is my Shepherd - That's Relationship!

I shall not want - That's Supply!

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures - That's
Rest!

He leadeth me beside the still waters - That's
Refreshment!

He restoreth my soul - That's Healing!

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness - That's
Guidance!

For His names' sake - That's Purpose!

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow
of death - That's perseverance!

I will fear no evil - That's Protection!

For Thou art with me - That's Faithfulness!

Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me - That's
Discipline!

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of
mine enemies - That's Hope!

Thou annointest my head with oil - That's
Consecration!

My cup runneth over - That's Abundance!

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days
of my life - That's Blessing!

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord - That's
Security!

Forever - That's Eternity!

Face it, the Lord is crazy about you. Send this to
the people you are crazy about. I thought this was
pretty special, just like YOU!!! What is most
valuable, is not what we have in our lives, but WHO
we have in our lives!

hUMOR For July 10th

May those who love us love us,
And those who don't, may God turn their hearts,
And if He doesn't turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles,
So we may know them by their limping.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The little rich girl came back from her first trip to Sunday school and told
her mother, "Oh, Mummy! They read us the nicest story. All about a Mr. Adam
and a Miss Eve and what a nice time they were having under an apple tree
until a servant came along and disturbed them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Put your troubles in a pocket that has holes in it.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Philosophy Chair"
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board:
"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "Which chair?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings.
People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet.
Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy.
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.
When you get caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.
3. Messy desk.
Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts.
Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail.
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing ? they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live.
If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed.
One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Appear to Work Late.
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read, but have no time until late before leaving.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect.
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.
8. Stacking Strategy.
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc... You can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.
9. Build Vocabulary.
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products.
Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10. MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Female Terminology
FINE
this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
if she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
this is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
this is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY
this is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology!
And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!
Oh, and before we forget ...
"Whatever"
...it's a woman's way of saying Nuts to YOU

hUMOR For July 9th

About a month ago, I asked any GCF readers that wished, to
participate in a "longest and shortest list" project. I provided the
start of two lists:

(1) Shortest Lists
(2) Longest Lists

Here are the "starter" lists (and no offense is intended!)

SHORTEST LISTS
Complete list of native German Humorists
Complete list of honest politicians
Complete list of book reviews by Paris Hilton

LONGEST LISTS
Complete list of egocentric professional athletes
Complete list of TV viewers tired of reality shows

With that as background, here are the results submitted by 38 readers
of GCF. In this final version I have chosen not to identify the
source of the lists, even though many said it was alright to use their
name, etc.

There were some duplicates and some that were just not fit for
incorporating in the Good Clean Fun list. If you do not see what you
submitted exactly as you sent it to me, it was probably a duplicate
and I combined what I received. I also exercised editorial powers
over the results and changed the wording of some submissions.

So, here is the result:

SHORTEST LISTS
The complete list of:
- Conservative reporters employed by the New York Times.
- Politicians who actually care what you think.
- Men who really understand women and what they want.
- Actors/actresses who have a clue about real life.
- Honest attorneys.
- Movies never nominated for ANY award.
- Lottery winners whose fortunes now exceed their winnings.
- Golfers recording accurate non-tournament scores.
- Drivers never exceeding speed limits
- People who checked out the book titled "How to Teach Yourself to Read."
- School teachers and nurses who are in it for the money.
- Professional wrestlers who are now US Governors.
- Afghan chess masters.
- Tourist attractions of the Gobi Desert.
- Great dance moves from the 70's.
- Arguments a man can win with his wife.
- Rich high school dropouts.
- People who do not use a spell checker.
- Short Answers Attorney's Gave to Questions They Were Asked
- Times Attorney's Listened to Your Answers
- Times Husbands Stopped Driving to Ask for Directions
- Times Husbands said 'What" because They DIDN'T Hear What Their Wives Said
- Times We Listened to Free Good Advice
- Men Who Really Listen to What Their Wives Say
- Women Who Think Their Husbands Really Listen to Them
- Activities my wife thinks I should be doing without her
- Career Opportunities for History Majors
- Feminists with a sense of humor.
- People who have actually gotten off 'spam' lists
- Honest used car salesmen
- Offices that have gone 'paperless'
- Republicans who admit Democrats are sometimes right.
- Democrats who admit Republicans are sometimes right.
- Preachers who think they are long-winded (sent in by a preacher)
- What I need.
- Original plot ideas for movie sequels
- People who can add in hexadecimal
- People who know why the above list matters
- Projects a husband has finished that his wife is completely satisfied with
- Times children have done their chores without a reminder
- Hillary Clinton's Senatorial Achievements
- Rules for training a cat
- French war heroes since 1935.
- Realistic Prices on Necessary Prescriptions
- Differences between Reality and Dilbert
- Excuses made by husbands and accepted by wives
- Facts in advertisements
- 'Spam' emails that are appreciated
- Times that teenagers make their bed
- Diet foods that taste good

LONGEST LISTS
The complete list of:
- Reporters who consider themselves experts on the Iraq war.
- Irritating Volvo drivers.
- Hollywood breakups
- Campaign promises never met
- Addresses on chain letter emails
- Unsolicited advice given by Mothers-in-Law
- Stuff Bill Gates can buy
- People who think gas prices are too high.
- Women who like chocolate.
- Things Wives Repeated That They Had Said to Their Husbands
- Reasons We Give for Saying Something We Wish We Hadn't Said
- Apologies Husbands Make for Something They Said
- Apologies Husbands Make for Something They Didn't Say
- "Brief" things my wife would like for me to do this weekend
- People who use eBay at work
- Preachers who are long-winded (sent in by a preacher)
- What I want.
- Food particles found in a Boy Scout's mess kit right before serving
their next meal
- Ways teenagers upset/offend/confuse their parents
- Things I will do when I retire or win the lottery
- Things my kids want to spend my money on
- Actors/actresses who have been married twice or more
- Places where Jimmy Hoffa is buried
- Shoes in Imelda Marcos' closet
- LMA (List of military acronyms)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Tired and Thirsty"
Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.

The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have coffee."

The english student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have latte."

The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"If you earnestly believe you can compensate for not having skill by working twice as hard, there is no end to what you can't do."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Complaints"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
"Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse," said the farmer. "You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster."
"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag' not 'feedback'."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood

A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away
from the parent.

Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum
lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the
distance the friend lives from your house.

A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely
proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly
proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless
it is the only food in the fridge.

The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases
with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher
it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell a soul about
it, and nothing happened for more than two months.

Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way
Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"

"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Only one shopping day left until tomorrow
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in
the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.


The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R." His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.


The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE."

hUMOR For July 8th

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.""Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!""Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all.""Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old."No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.""So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?""No, I have one every morning at 6:30."Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?""I don't wake up until 7:00."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Box
by Robert Byron

On many of the projects that I have recently worked on, people have told me
to, "Think outside of the box." First of all, I'd like to know what box they
are referring to. Second, why do they assume I'm inside of a box? Third, if
I am inside a box how did I get there? I don't remember climbing into it nor
do I remember being put into one. If I was, it was against my will and
without my knowledge.

It hasn't restricted my breathing. The air doesn't even appear to be stale.
If I am inside a box it doesn't seem to limit my mobility. As I move around,
I'm not kicking the sides so it would seem that it is a rather large box. As
a matter of fact, I have no recollection of ever having run into the sides.
It would seem to me that the box is large enough for me to do all the
thinking I need to do.

Assuming that I am in a box, I have no experience thinking outside of it and
since I have done pretty well so far, I'm not sure that I want to do any
thinking outside of the box. How do I know if I'm qualified to think outside
of the box and if I am, who determines my qualifications? What qualifies a
person to tell me that I should think outside of the box? Do these people
think outside of the box? Do these people even see the box? Do these people
know what they are talking about?

If the new thing is to think outside of the box, shouldn't someone stay in
the box to do some thinking? I mean, if everybody is doing their thinking
outside of the box, who is minding the box? When I have an empty box lying
around, it generally gets thrown away. Do we really want to risk losing the
box where most of us have done our thinking for most of our lives?

If I go outside the box, can I get back in? Can someone guarantee that if I
don't like thinking outside of the box that I can get back in? Before we
tackle this question perhaps we should discuss how to get out of the box to
begin with. Is there a door? I'd prefer an escalator if possible.

I guess when people tell me to "Think outside of the box," I'll just keep
thinking inside the box. How will they tell the difference. Pretty soon
everybody will be thinking outside the box and the new thing will be to
think inside the box. When it is, I'll be ready. I'll already be there.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just spent several hours observing teenagers who were
hanging out at our local mall. I came to the conclusion that
many teenagers in America are living in poverty. Most of the
young men I observed didn't even own a belt; there was not
one among the whole group.

But that wasn't the sad part -- many of them were wearing
their daddy's jeans. Some of these jeans were so big and
baggy that they hung low on their hips, exposing their
underwear. I know some of them must have been ashamed that
their daddies were short, because the jeans hardly went
below their knees. They weren't even their daddies' good
jeans, for most of them had holes ripped in the knees and
had a dirty look to them. It grieved me that in a modern,
affluent society like America, there are people who can't
afford a decent pair of jeans. I have been thinking about
asking my church to start a jeans drive for the "poor kids
at the mall."

I don't think this group of guys even had much to eat,
because as they were walking, their heads leaned to one side
as if they didn't have enough strength to keep them up. Oh,
they tried. With each step, they tried to lift them up, but
to no avail: they always dropped back to the side. This
group of guys must be from the same family, because they all
walked with their heads bobbing together in the same manner.

But that wasn't the saddest part. It was the girls they were
hanging out with that disturbed me the most. I have never in
all of my life seen such "poor" girls. These girls had the
opposite problem of the guys -- they all had to wear their
little sisters' clothes. Their jeans were about five sizes
too small. I don't know how they could even put them on, let
alone button them up. Their jeans barely went over their
hipbones.

Most of them also had on their little sisters' tops; it
hardly covered their midsections. Oh, they were trying to
hold their heads up with pride, but it was a sad sight to
see these almost grown women wearing children's clothes.

However, it was their underwear that bothered me the most.
They, like the boys, because of the improper fitting of
their clothes, also had their underwear exposed. I have
never seen anything like it. It looked like their underwear
was only held together by a single piece of string.

I know it also saddens your heart to receive this report on
the condition of our American teenagers. While I go to bed
every night with a closet full of clothes nearby, there are
millions of "mall girls" who barely have enough material to
keep it together. I think their "poorness" is why these two
groups gather at the mall, the boys with their short
daddies' ripped jeans, and the girls wearing their younger
sisters' clothes. The mall is one place where they can find
acceptance.

So, the next time you are at the mall doing your shopping
and you pass by some of these poor teenagers, would you say
a prayer for them?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Wheat Exports"
Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?
Smiling confidently, he wrote, "In 1492, none."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"If God intended us to eat seafood, why did He hide them underwater?"
- Ed Penland
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "New Minister"
A church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable.
Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might breathe fresh life into the congregation. At the end of the meeting, I commented to an older man that this marked the beginning of better things for our church.
"Yes," he said with a wry smile. "Moving on to greener pastors."

hUMOR For July 7th

Happy Birthday Elsie!

I play pinochle regularly with seven other women, most of whom are 70
or older. Recently we celebrated the birthday of our oldest member by
taking her out to lunch. When the waitress came to take our order,
one of the women said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It's
Elsie's ninety-second birthday."

The waitress made seven instant enemies and one fast friend by asking
the question, "Which one of you is Elsie?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Modern Potty Training"
Little brother: What do I do now?
Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet.
Little brother: Like this?
Big brother: Yeah.
Little brother: Now what?
Big brother: Hit "ENTER."
Little brother: "ENTER"?
Big brother: I mean "flush."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Weddings"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A little boy sat through a Sunday School class and learned about the time Jesus went to a wedding and changed the water into wine.
"And what did you learn from that story?" asked his father afterward.
The boy thought for a moment and answered, "If you're having a wedding, make sure Jesus is there."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted
to weigh themselves on different scales to see if they
agreed. However, some visitors abstained, not wishing to
advertise their weight.

A smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his
scale by promising her that he would not look and that she
could even cover the digital display so only she could see
her weight.

She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical
voice from within the machine announced: "One hundred and
sixty-three pounds."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After a long day of being called upon to visit an endless series of horses
and cows with sore legs, I finally returned to the animal clinic.

Although exhausted, when I discovered I had a slow leak in one of my truck
tires, I drove over to get it fixed at the service station.

The mechanic knew immediately he was dealing with a tired veterinarian after
I carefully explained to him that my truck seemed to be lame in the right
hind tire
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Get this." said a guy to his friends, "Last night, while I was down at the
bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.

"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.

The guy said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of
broken ribs."

One of his friends ask, "How'd that happen?"

The guy answered, "Well, it was really late at night and my wife thought it
was me coming home drunk."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"If we are to learn anything of value from Star Trek, it's that the universe
is filled with vastly different styles of foreheads." - Chris Needles
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Subway Drop

The Manhattan Commuter train was packed. Suddenly there was a jingle
on the floor. Most necks were craned. One elderly gentleman, however,
bent down and picked something up. He then asked, "Did anyone drop a
half dollar?"

"I did," answered three men at once.

"Well," said the elderly gent with a smile, "here's a dime of it."

hUMOR For July 6th

2 dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake, and after
fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no
luck at all, they decided to try one more spot before calling it
quits,

Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes. Clem said, "Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we'll know where to come,"

"Good idea" says Roscoe and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat to mark the spot.

"That's stupid" says Clem "Now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My brother Vern is a piece of skin stretched over an appetite.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Good Old Days"
Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"
Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those video cameras everywhere you look."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"What makes airport security think they can find something in my wife's purse when she can't?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Minister's daughter: Faith
Day-trader's daughter: Hope
Televangelist's daughter: Charity
Geneticist's son: Gene
Espresso vendor's son: Joe
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the
difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to
children. One day I entered the examining room to give
four-year-old Lizzie her shot.

"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."

At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO,
THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"

hUMOR For July 5th

"Punishment Withheld"
Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?
One Student: "Because George still had the axe in is hand?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Independence Day

The anniversary of the independence of the United States of America is
celebrated on July fourth of each year. There are many traditions associated
with this American holiday but few people know the origins of these customs.

In 1767, England began taxing the tea sent to her American colonies. The
colonists where very much against this "taxation without representation"
and, in protest, refused the unloading of the tea from the ships. The
colonists became so upset about the taxation issue that, in 1773, a band of
colonists invaded the ships of the East India Company while dressed as
Native Americans and tossed a plethora of tea into Boston Harbor. The
incident would soon come to be known as the Boston Tea Party.

Many Americans now celebrate this historic event on July fourth by visiting
the very ocean that contains the tea from the Boston Tea Party. Although you
cannot drink the tea from the ocean, many people symbolize the action by
partaking of their favorite alcoholic beverage. Each summer, hordes of
people can be seen occupying the many beaches of the United States to honor
this historic event. Many people will lay out in the sun until their
epidermis turns red to symbolize the skin color of the Native Americans that
the Boston colonists imitated during their raid.

In 1774, at one of the first coastal celebrations of the Boston Tea Party,
two young men were playing catch with a pie pan when one of the youths
accidentally stepped on Benjamin Franklin. Franklin told the young man, "Hey
kid! Don't tread on me!" The saying was soon incorporated into what is now
known as the Gadsden Flag that was carried into battle during the
revolutionary war.

The story is told of George Washington, the first president of the United
States, when, as a young boy, he chopped down one of his fathers valuable
cherry trees. His father questioned George about the incident and the
younger Washington confessed by saying, "Father, I cannot tell a lie. It was
I who chopped down the cherry tree." For most people, this is where the
story ends but in reality, there is more.

You must understand that during this time of American history, people wasted
very little and there was now a dilemma as to what should be done with the
cherry tree. George Washington's father pondered on the idea and thought
that if only he come up with some kind of food to insert on the ends of the
tree limbs, he could extend the limbs over an open fire in order to cook the
food.

Mr. Washington had another problem as well. Being a pig farmer, he was
receiving complaints from colonial environmentalists about contamination in
the Potomac River by waste runoff from his farm. He solved both of his
problems by collecting the waste, forming it into a tube, inserting the end
of a branch from the cherry tree and roasted it over an open fire. The
wienie roast is still an American Fourth of July tradition today.

During the French and Indian War of 1754-1763, George Washington was taught
the fine art of potato krinkling by a captured French chef. These krinkle
cut potatoes were then cooked in a kettle of animal fat until golden brown.
It is this French delicacy, known as the French Fry, that now accompanies
the main course at a wienie roast.

Later on in U.S. history and during an American Civil War battle at
Manassas, Virginia, known as the Battle of Bull Run, many innocent cattle,
mostly bulls, were slaughtered in their attempt to "run" from the battle.
The bulls attempted to protect the cows and calves and as a result, were
torn to bits by both the Union and Confederate forces. After the battle, the
hungry soldiers collected bits of beef from the ground (ground beef) and
made them into "cow patties." Since the battle occurred just weeks after the
July Fourth celebrations of 1861, these "patties" soon became a traditional
July fourth source of nourishment.

In June of 1776, a Philadelphia seamstress named Betsy Ross was approached
by Thomas Jefferson and asked to design a red, white and blue flag with
thirteen stars and thirteen stripes. Betsy questioned the design saying that
the color and patterns would probably make the appearance of the flag "too
busy" and that project would be aesthetically challenging. She asked why he
would want her to make such a thing as that which he asked. Mr. Jefferson,
not wanting to divulge the true intentions of the endeavor, told Ms. Ross
that the flag was a practical joke for John Adams.

Betsy made the flag but the original colors were entirely too bright. She
washed the fabric until she was satisfied with the color balance and, since
her clothesline was already full with the washing of the day, hung the new
flag on a pole that extended outward from her front porch.

Betsy's neighbors knew that, as a popular seamstress, she was up to date on
the current market trends in apparel fabrics. Seeing that Betsy had
displayed her new fabric from a pole on her front porch, they hurried to
create knockoff fabrics. Soon Americans were displaying copies of Betsy's
flag from their front porches and the tradition is carried on to this day by
the display of the American Flag from the porches of Americans each Fourth
of July.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where are the other 6 ups?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man was driving down the highway late one night when his
mini-van broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to
get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamburgini
Countash pulls up.

"Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the mini-van
driver.

"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countash
replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to
the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash
your lights if I start going too fast."

They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop
light and up pulls a Farrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began
to rev it's engine to get the Countash to race. The Countash
rev's its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of
there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a
speed trap.

The officer there watches them pass and radios to base
saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40
and a Countash were driving down the road doing about 120
with a Mini-van honking it's horn and flashing it's lights
trying to pass them!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- FATHERS

"My father used to play with my brother and me in the
yard. Mother would come out and say, "You're tearing
up the grass." "We're not raising grass," Dad would
reply, "We're raising boys." -- Harmon Killebrew

"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is
soap-on-a-rope." -- Bill Cosby

"Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with
you at bat. Then fold second base down home and set
the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and
third together, bring up home plate and pin the three
together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call
the game and start all over again." -- Jimmy Piersal

"To be a successful father...there's one absolute
rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the
first two years." -- Ernest Hemingway

******************************************************

From GCFL: When I was:

Four years old: My daddy can do anything.

Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.

Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.

Eight years old: My dad doesn't know exactly
everything.

Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up,
things were sure different.

Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn't
know anything about that. He is too old to remember
his childhood.

Fourteen years old: Don't pay any attention to my dad.
He is so old-fashioned.

Twenty-one years old: Him? My Lord, he's hopelessly
out of date.

Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he
should, because he has been around so long.

Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he
thinks. After all, he's had a lot of experience.

Thirty-five years old: I'm not doing a single thing
until I talk to Dad.

Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled
it. He was so wise.

Fifty years old: I'd give anything if Dad were here
now so I could talk this over with him. Too bad I
didn't appreciate how smart he was. I could have
learned a lot from him.

Writer Unknown

*******************************************************

Thanks to Marti for what could easily have been the
Last Laugh -- Cancel your credit cards..THIS IS SO
FUNNY

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening,
customer service being what it is today. A lady died
this past January, and Citibank billed her for
February and March for their annual service charges on
her credit card, and then added late fees and interest
on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now
is somewhere around $6000. A family member placed a
call to Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died
in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees
and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to
collections."
Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has
been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find
out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds
division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe
both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling
you - the part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in
January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees
and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her
estate?"
Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer
info given)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given) After
they get the fax:
Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't
know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If
not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think
she will care."
Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still
apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing
address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129,
Plot Number 69."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on
your planet?"

*******************************************************

The Last Laugh today goes to Tom Fowler for this funny
one -- I love senior citizens

A very self-important college freshman attending a
recent football game, took it upon himself to explain
to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was
impossible for the older generation to understand his
generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost
primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many
of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today
grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man
walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited
Mars...We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen
cars, computers with light-speed processing.....and,"
pausing to take another drink.....

The Senior took advantage of the break in the
student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We
didn't have those things when we were young.....so we
invented them.

Now, you arrogant little nincompoop, what are you
doing for the next generation?"

I love senior citizens!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blind Date

"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend."

"I know, but I don't hold any grudges."

"I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her."

"Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double."

"Wow! Is that true?"

"I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."

hUMOR For July 4th

"Swahili Gasp"
A company was producing an English-language movie. In one scene, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili. The company even found someone who knew the language. The scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it played in an African town where Swahili was well known. A moment of high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped
out:
"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"I like pigs - dogs look up to us and cats look down on us but pigs treat us as equals."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Saint Andreas"
Blame Saint Andreas. Its all his fault.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One year, Johnny's family was having an "extended family"
4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats
that year was lighting the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle
rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of
state (they're illegal in their state, of course!).

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying his
neighbors' plans had just fallen through and asking if he
bring them along to the picnic -- they even had extra food
to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"

When the cousin arrived with his neighbors, it was
discovered that the head of that family was a police
officer. Johnny's father turned as innocently as he could to
his son and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of
fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere
quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the
topic to food for the day. This family had brought some
chicken to grill, so the father told them the gas grill was
all set to use out back -- they just had to turn on the gas
and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They headed out to the back as Johnny returned through the
front door. The father hurried to him and said, "Whew, that
was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw
the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"

"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Chocolate Is Bad," Study Says

Think chocolate is harmless? A study performed by a team of freshman
cosmetology students has determined that chocolate is bad for human
consumption. Laboratory experiments involving rats have shown evidence that
the decadent delight can cause severe health problems and even death.

"The results of our research are shocking," said Mildred Sisk, A Senior
Washroom Attendant for the Institute of Advanced Cosmetology Science. "We
took five hundred rats and dunked them in a vat of chocolate for thirty
minutes. Surprisingly, not even one survived. If chocolate does this to
rats, imagine what would do to a human body."

Ms. Sisk's theory has been challenged by some in the scientific community
who claim that, more than likely, the cause of death for the rats was
drowning. "Those folks don't know anything. They're just jealous because
they didn't thing of it first," stated Ms. Sisk. "They weren't there and
didn't see what I saw. Besides, when humans eat chocolate, it coats the
inside of the body, so in reality, the body is suffocating from the inside
out."

Further testing is scheduled using live chickens.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nursery School Patriotism

The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took
the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a
great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy about
is that, in this country, we are all free."

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He
stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."