hUMOR For June 4th

Private Bath

My husband and I found a charming bed-and-breakfast nestled in the
White Mountains of New Hampshire. Though enchanted, I nonetheless had
some questions about the accommodations.

"Does the room have its own bath?" I asked.

Nodding, the proprietor answered, "If no one else shows up, it does."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day.
The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again.
When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads.
The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.
When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem.
The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Never be late to a Dinner

Retirement Dinner - -

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner
after 25 years in the parish. A leading local
politician and member of the congregation was chosen
to make the presentation and give a little speech at
the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to
say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the
first confession I heard here. I thought I had been
assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
television set and, when questioned by the police, was
able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money
from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an
affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and
gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the
days went on I knew that my people were not all like
that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of
good and loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician
arrived full of apologies at being late. He
immediately began to make the presentation and gave
his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish
priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had
the honor of being the first one to go to him in
confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE.

*******************************************************

Thanks to PW: Ash Tree...?

Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is
really cool and somewhat accurate. Then send it to
your friends, including the one that sent it to you,
so they can find out what tree they fell from, but
don't forget to change the subject line to your tree.
Find your tree below and see what you are like...

Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - CypressTree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping WillowTree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 (only) - Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 (only) - Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23 (only) - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - WalnutTree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
Dec 22 (only) - Beech Tree
Dec 23 to Jan 01 - Apple Tree

TREES (in alphabetical order)

Apple Tree(Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of
charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude,
flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in
love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender
partner, very generous, many talents, loves children,
needs affectionate partner.

Ash Tree (Ambition) -- extremely attractive,
vivacious, impulsive,demanding, does not care for
criticisim, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to
play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable,
restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart,
demands attention, needs love and much emotional
support.

Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned
about its looks, materialistic, good organization of
life and career, economical, good leader, takes no
unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime
companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).

Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive,
elegant,friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not
like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life
in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of
imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and
content atmosphere.

Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows
how to adapt, likes unexpected presents, of good
health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on
others, self-confident, a great speaker,
determined,often impatient, likes to impress others,
has many talents, industrious,healthy optimism, waits
for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature,
impressive,well-developed sense of justice, fun to be
around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated
easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker,
sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at
times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love,
physically fit.

Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular,
adaptable, takes what life has to give but doesn't
necessarily like it, strives to be content,
optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants
love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover
which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered
at times, can be unruly and careless,loves to gain
knowledge, needs to be needed.

Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) -- pleasant shape,
tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to
forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to
obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making
decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good
sense of humor, practical.

Fig Tree (Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit
self-willed, honest, loyal, dependent, hates
contradiction or arguments, hard worker when wants to
be, loves life and friends, enjoys children and
animals,great sense of humor, has artistic talent and
great intelligence..

Fir tree (Mysterious) -- extraordinary taste, handles
stress well, loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends
to care for those close to them, hard to trust others,
yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness
after long demanding hours at work, rather modest,
talented, unselfish, many friends, very reliable.

Hazelnut Tree(Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of
humor, very demanding but can also be very
understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression,
active fighter for social causes and politics,
popular, quite moody, honest, a perfectionist, has a
precise sense of judgment and expects complete
fairness.

Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares
for its looks and condition, good taste, is not
egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads
a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness
and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of
unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings,
mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions,
very conscientious.

Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts
what life dishes out, but not before trying to change
bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and
stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough,
but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to
make sacrifices for family and friends, has many
talents but not always takes time to use them, great
leadership qualities, is jealous at times but
extremely loyal.

Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -- no ordinary
person, full of imagination and originality, shy and
reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers
for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has man
complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated
love life, wants to impress.

Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong,
unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like
change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of
action.

Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind
feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and
violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed
sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of
jealousy, loves to read and the company of
sophisticated people.

Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company,
craves peace and harmony, loves to help others, active
imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion
conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls
strongly in love but will leave if betrayed or lied
to, emotionally soft, low self esteem, needs affection
and reassurance.

Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative,
talented, not very self-confident, extremely
courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant
surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great
animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer,
tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any
situation, takes partnership seriously.

Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful,
gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves
life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both
dependent and independent, good taste, artistic,
passionate, emotional, good company, does not
forgive.

Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and
full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble,
broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous,
unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and
uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired,
ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no
compromise.

Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stressfree,
loves family life, full of hopes and dreams,
attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful,
musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places,
restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but
is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes
demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they
find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make
others laugh.

"IT'S A GREAT LIFE IF YOU DON'T WEAKEN"

*******************************************************

And for the Last Laugh... Thanks to Ron Furniss --
Blonde Joke

This is actually a good one...

Three blondes were all applying for the last
available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The
detective conducting the interview looked at the three
of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled
out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and
pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective,
you have to be able to detect. You must be able to
notice things such as distinguishing features and
oddities such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first
blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing
features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only
one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he
has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of
his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the
office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck
the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back
and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or
outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
"Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can
only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and
last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of
time, but ..." He flashed the photo in her face for a
couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right,
did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual
about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact
lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the
picture and began looking at some of the papers in
the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled
___expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His
bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you
tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, duh! With
only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear
glasses..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are
walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the
pet shop is advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest
piqued, they go inside.

"How do you know they're Christian puppies?"

"Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says,
"Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the
Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor,
the owner says, "Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its
paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and
delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home.

That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the
dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed,
one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular' commands?"

"Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband.

Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says,
"Lie down." The dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog
rolls over.

He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa,
puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head.

"Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's Pentecostal!"

hUMOR For June 3rd

Wireless Security System

How to install a wireless security system:

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a
really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of
Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big
dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this:
"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 30
minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar speed
checking equipment, drove through a school zone within the
legal speed limit when suddenly the flash of a camera went
off, taking a picture of his car and license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by
again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for
a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result. So, he
made a note to himself to contact the traffic department and
tell them that their machine wasn't working properly.

A few weeks later, the off-duty police officer received an
envelope from the police department containing three traffic
citations, each of them were for NOT wearing a seat belt.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Never Too Old"
Two elderly gentlemen were visiting. "I guess you're never too old," the first one boasted. "Why just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd be interested in dating me but to be perfectly honest, I don't quite understand it."
"Well," said his friend, "you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They don't mind being the one to ask."
"No, I don't think it's that."
"Well, maybe you remind her of her father."
"No, it's not that either. It's just that she also mentioned something about carbon 14."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"If you haven't accomplished anything so far, then your best days are likely to be ahead of you - but then again, you should consider your track record."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Museum curator's son: Art
Book printer's daughter: Paige
Trout fisher's daughter: Brook
Publisher's daughter: Mag
Woodworker's daughter: Peg
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Work At Home
by Robert Byron

Dear Sir,

I am writing in reference to your recent email regarding the immediate need
and willingness to train and develop even non-experienced individuals in
local and international markets for a work at home enterprise. I am
interested in your uncapped commissions, bonuses and residual income from
repeat business and I'm sure that I meet your criteria for self-motivated
individuals. As a matter of fact, I was motivated enough in just the past
year to find five different jobs. All of my supervisors even told me that I
was so good that they were going to have to let me go because I had brought
all the other employees to my level. Pretty impressive, eh?

Although your opportunity is enticing, I am unable to send you a fee of
twenty-five dollars at this time and I would like to take this opportunity
to inform you that I already work at home. I cook, clean, do laundry, mow
the lawn and now you want to pile more stuff on me? And to think that you
want me to send you money so you can tell me how to do it. Are you out of
your mind? I have a three-year-old who shows me how to work at home and he
does it for free.

So, unless you want to send me the information for free, do the work for me
and send me a check, please don't waste my time with any more of your lame
emails telling me how I can be rich for twenty-five dollars. How many people
have sent you twenty-five dollars? I hope at least one person does so that
you can at least get back your investment.

Best regards,

Herb McGillicutty
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Better a witty fool than a foolish wit." - Shakespear
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
(OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector
wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep
up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical
condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer That's terrific. The last officer only
gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so
one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know
there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead
of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee .Your eyes look red,
have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't
respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have
you been eating doughnuts?"

*******************************************************

Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Do You Believe in God?

NBC this morning had a poll on this question. They had
the highest number of responses that they have ever
had for one of their polls, and the percentage was the
same as this:

86% to keep the words, IN God We Trust and God in the
Pledge of Allegiance 14% against.

That is a pretty 'commanding' public response.

I was asked to send this on if I agreed or delete if I
didn't.

Now it is your turn .... It is said that 86% of
Americans believe in God. Therefore, I have a very
hard time understanding why there is such a mess about
having "In God We Trust" on our money and having God
in the Pledge of Allegiance.

Why is the world catering to this 14%?

AMEN!

*******************************************************

Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Count Your Blessings!

A group of seniors were sitting around the pool in
sunny Florida talking about all their ailments:

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this
cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad
I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my
hands are so crippled, volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! I can't hear you!" said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my
neck," said a fifth to which several nodded weakly in
agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly
walk," exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said an
elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old,"
winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman
cheerfully. "THANK GOD WE CAN ALL DRIVE!"

*******************************************************

And The Last Laugh goes to one sent by Gary Grizzel --

Potatoes

1. Some people are very bossy and like to tell
everyone what to do, but of course they do not wish to
soil their hands. You might call that type "Dick
Tater."

2. Some people never seem to be motivated to
participate. They are content to watch while others
do. They are "Speck Taters."

3. Some people never do anything to help, but they
are gifted at finding fault with the way others do
things. They might be called "Comment Taters."

4. Some people are always looking for ways to cause
problems. They look for others to agree with them. You
call them "Aggie Taters."

5. Then there are those who always say they will,
but somehow never get around to doing anything. They
are "Hezzie Taters."

6. Some people put on a front and act like they are
someone they are not. They are "Emma Taters."

7. Still, there are those who live what they talk.
They are always prepared to stop what they are doing
to lend a hand. They bring real sunshine into
others' lives. You might call them "Sweet
Taters."

--- author unknown

hUMOR For June 2nd

Baseball Quote

At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and
said, "I need a baseball quote."

I immediately answered with Yogi Berra's famous quote: "It ain't over
'til it's over!"

There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, "What was that?"

"You asked me for a baseball quote," I responded, "and that was the
first thing that came into my head."

"Oh," she replied. "My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote."

I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did.

Then it dawned on me: "Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Yard Sale Anger"
A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the homeowner, "My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the homeowner replied.
"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three men about to dive into a magic swimming a granted a wish. The first wished for bananas. He dived and landed in a pool full of his favorite fruit bananas.
The second man being money hungry wished for a pool full of money to land in. His wish was granted and he landed in a pool full of money. [of the paper variety]
The third man who happened to be named Vern Allen stumbled as he walked to the end of the diving board and said oh poop. Can you guess what he landed in?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"If you are always shouting at your children, when it's really serious, they won't h-e-a-r you. A whisper beats a shout." - Mark Victor Hanseni
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"God is Watching"
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I recently found this great website that conducts cyber garage sales. You
list your stuff you want to sell or buy in the subject line of an email,
send it off and wait for a response.

Recently, I sent a note saying I was in the market for three particular
items. In short order, I got three responses. However, nobody had any of the
items I'd listed. But they all found what I'd written amusing. "Wanted -
envelopes, piano bench and one
night stand."

/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
An engineer, my husband often needs to study the shapes of human body parts
to make sure equipment for magnetic resonance imaging is properly designed.
Desperately searching for a model to use for a breast coil he was working
on, he went to a department store and requested bras in sizes 34A to 40C.

"Which one is for your wife?" asked the confused clerk.

He shook his head. "None of them."

"Really?" she said. "You're worse than I thought."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

"Television has brought back murder into the home where it belongs." -
Alfred Hitchcock.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LaMi -- On the Lighter Side... FIRST THINGS
FIRST

The two teenagers were arrested for disorderly
conduct. The police sergeant told them they were
entitled to one phone call, assuming they would call
their parents or a lawyer. Some time later a man
entered the station and asked for them by name. The
sergeant said, "I suppose you're the lawyer?" "Nope,"
the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver their
pizza."

******************************************************

From GCFL: An Emotional Hole

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and
were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused,
looked down the fairway, and began to sob
uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's
wrong?"

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed, and dried his
eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst.
"I'm sorry, I always get emotional at this hole -- it
holds very difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could
have gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in
a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing
12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack
-- right at this very hole!"

"Oh no!" the other golfers said. "That must have been
horrible!"

"Horrible? You think it's horrible?" Bob cried in
disbelief. "It was worse than that! Every hole for the
rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it
was... hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag
Alice..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And todays last laugh (new feature -- something really
funny to end the days post with) -- Thanks to Marti --

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at
my car and decide my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is
mail on the porch table that I brought up from the
mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail
in the garbage can under the table, and notice that
the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and
take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the
mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as
well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there
is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go
inside the house to my desk where I find the can of
Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to
push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock
it over. I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I
decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it
cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of
flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be
watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my
reading glasses that I've been searching for all
morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first
I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a
container with water and suddenly I spot the TV
remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to wa tch TV, I will
be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that
it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back
in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of
it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some
towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I
was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the driveway is flooded
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
there is still only one check in my check book,
I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done
today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy
all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to
get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to
everyone you know, because I don't remember who I have
sent it to.

hUMOR For June 1st

Accuracy!

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years
old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and
he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and
a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose
this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at
me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Kidnapped"
Most Friday nights at the Naval Station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officers club after work. One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m. We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.
When his wife answered the phone, I said, "Rick has been kidnapped. Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officers club." Then I hung up.
A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table. In it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket and a teddy bear. Attached to the bear was a note: "Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that, within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Oy!"
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Sunshinerose28 -- Questions to Ponder

Can you cry under water?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
How important does a person have to be before they are
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but
it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that
extra penny going to?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the
clothes you were buried in for eternity?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What disease did cured ham actually have?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
How is it that we put man on the moon before we
figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on
luggage?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby"
when babies wake up like every two hours?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still
called a hearing?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put
money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being
would eat?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
stupid song about him?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool
lane?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio
out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask
where the bathroom is?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours? They're both dogs!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that
ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
-----------------------------------------------------------
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is
made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality
come from morons?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
have the same tune?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a
car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address
in the first place?

******************************************************

Thanks to Sunshinerose28 -- Is Your Hut on Fire?

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a
small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for
God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon
for help, but none seemed forthcoming.

Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut
out of driftwood to protect himself from the elements,
and to store his few possessions.

One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to
find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up
to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and
everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief,
grief, and anger. He cried out, "God! How could you do
this to me?"

Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a
ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue
him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary
man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they
replied.

The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged
when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose
heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in
the midst of our pain and suffering.

Remember that the next time your little hut seems to
be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke
signal that summons the Grace of God.

P.S. You may want to consider passing this on, because
you never know who feels as if their hut is on fire
today... Don't take life too seriously. You'll never
get out of it alive.

hUMOR For May 31st

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were
just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down
the fairway, and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked, "What's
wrong?"

Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed, and dried his eyes
some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "I'm
sorry, I always get emotional at this hole -- it holds very
difficult memories for me."

One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have
gotten you so upset?"

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low
voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years
ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack -- right at
this very hole!"

"Oh no!" the other golfers said. "That must have been
horrible!"

"Horrible? You think it's horrible?" Bob cried in disbelief.
"It was worse than that! Every hole for the rest of the day,
all the way back to the clubhouse it was... hit the ball,
drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Yesterdays Edition of Tomorrows Edition, Today."

Work with a bunch of nuts? Wish you did? Answer no to both questions? Got
milk? Whoa! Let me back up a second and start over. Work with a bunch of
nuts? Wish you did? Answer no to both questions? Got milk? Well then you
need to check out Absolute Robeo's "Borlan" to take a glimpse at some nuts
Robeo used to work with. It can only be seen at Absolute Robeo,
http://AbsoluteRobeo.com?Borlan today, tomorrow or the next day or the day
after that and the day after that...

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

A redneck girl went on a trip to Italy with her father. When they returned
from their tour, she informed a friend that he liked all the Italian cities,
but most of all he loved Venice.

"Venice, huh?" said the friend. "I can understand why your father would like
Venice with its gondolas and all."

"Oh, no," the young lady interrupted, "it wasn't that. He liked it best
because he could sit in the hotel and fish from the window."

/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
A young soldier was stationed at Myrtle Beach, S.C. He spent his spare time
fishing in the backwaters of the Intercostals Waterway. Soon he became a
guide of sorts for some senior noncommissioned officers. Once, a chief
master sergeant hooked a 20-pond striped bass. After he reeled the fish onto
the boat, he slipped the hook out of its mouth and released it back into the
water.

He noticed a puzzled look on the face of the young soldier. He explained,
"Rank does have its privileges. I can't keep a fish that has more stripes
than I do."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

There's a sign above the scale in my doctor's office that says "Pretend it's
your IQ."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to J and G B: The Donkey and The Raffle

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a
donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer
agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son,
but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money
back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it
already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell
anybody he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked,
"What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two
dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two
dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of
Enron...

*******************************************************

Thanks to LaMi -- The Preacher and The Cab Driver at
Heaven�s Gate

A preacher and a New York City taxi driver arrived at
heaven's gates at the same time. Although the taxi
driver looked a bit rough, he was given the royal
treatment and rewarded bountifully upon his arrival.

The preacher thought, "Man! If that taxi driver is
being rewarded so well, I can't imagine what I'll
receive!" However, it turned out that the preacher's
treatment and rewards were meager by comparison. The
preacher said to the gatekeeper, "I was a minister for
45 years. Why is the taxi driver being treated so
much better?"

The gatekeeper replied, "For 45 years you preached,
and people were put to sleep. For 45 years he drove a
taxi, and people got on their knees to pray!"

*******************************************************

Thanks to JLH: Gasoline

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was
out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when
she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas
station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy
some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can
he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until
it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she
decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She
looked for something in her car that she could fill
with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the
patient.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the
station, filled it with gas, and carried the full
bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men
watched from across the street. One of them turned to
the other and said, "If it starts,I'm turning
Catholic."

*******************************************************

Thanks to C-Towns -- Problems solved

Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border,

Take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans, and

Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve
today?

*******************************************************

From Kathie -- GoodBye Mother

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick
up a few things when he noticed an old lady following
him around.

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued
on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got
in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you
has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you
look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man. "Is there
anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say,
'Goodbye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much
better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was
leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he
stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his
total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked. "I only purchased a few
things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said
the clerk.

hUMOR For May 30th

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone,
staggering under the weight of a ten-point buck.

"Where's Henry?"

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles
back up the trail."

"You left Henry lying out there and carried the deer
back!?!"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is
going to steal Henry."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Rise and Fall of the SUV
by Robert Byron

I don't understand the television ads that attempt to link the ownership of
SUV's to aiding terrorism. The commercials are funded by "The Detroit
Project" who believe that since Saudi Arabia is the third largest single oil
supplier to the United States and fifteen of the nineteen hijackers on 9/11
were Saudi Arabian citizens, not to mention that Osama bin Laden was born a
Saudi, that anyone who owns an SUV is aiding terrorism. I say, why stop
there? Why pick on SUV's and leave out automobiles in general? How about a
commercial that shows a guy filling up his gas can while the voiceover
states, "Oil money supports some terrible things? Do you feel good about
mowing your lawn?"

How about asphalt? Nobody is picking on that but it's a petroleum product
too. How about a commercial that says, "If you use petroleum jelly on your
baby's butt, you're giving guns to Al Qaeda." Maybe we need a public service
announcement that says, "Your romantic dinner can do without the candles
unless you want terrorists to blow something up," or "That designer wardrobe
made with synthetic fibers is funding the deaths of innocent people." Sounds
crazy doesn't it? That's because it is crazy.

Canada is the number one supplier of oil to the U.S. but if I see horse
manure in the middle of the road I don't accuse the Canadian Amish of being
terrorists. It just isn't so. I don't dispute that SUV's are gas guzzlers
and that a lot of Americans seem indifferent to fuel conservation, however,
I think The Detroit Project is looking at the wrong issue. The real threat
created by SUV's is the soccer mom. Why doesn't The Detroit Project do
something about that?
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

"The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve
disorder." - Former Chicago mayor Richard Daley during the infamous 1968
Democratic Party convention.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Crossing Lesson

A man is trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car
comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man
walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes
lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again
and is still coming at him.

By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just
freezes and stops in the middle of the road.

The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and
screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window.

The driver is a squirrel.

The squirrel looks at the man and says, "See, it's not as easy as it
looks, is it?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to J & G B: Deer Tick Warning

Deer Tick Warning!!! I hate it when people forward
bogus warnings, but this one is real and it is
important. So please send this warning to everyone on
your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are
conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take
your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid
now.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Oneliners

Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a
doctor instead of a policeman.

A clean desk is the sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun
of.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a
lot.

Upper crust seems to be simply a bunch of crumbs held
together by their own dough.

Make somebody happy today . . . mind your own
business.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment
enough for me.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift
is nothing without work.

Clearly, what the Iraqis really need is furniture.

At least I have a positive attitude about my
destructive habits.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

An escalator never breaks . . . it only becomes
stairs

When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for
patience.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else
knows.

What will today's younger generation tell their
children they had to do "without"?

Let me guess . . . your parents are cousins.

Panic attack: like drowning, but there's no water to
make you feel better about it.

If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.

18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree...

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in
front of you.

A beggar wanted 50 cents for a sandwich. I said,
"First let me see the sandwich."

Today is the last day of your life, so far.

No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking
questions.

People never grow up; they just learn how to act in
public.

One half of the world will never understand the other
half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.

There will never be ethics and honesty in government
until people stop voting lawyers into office.

I've discovered the whole problem with the National
Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the government
spends 7.

You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when
it sticks out its neck.

No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar
store.

The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people
can't hold it.

The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting,
he isn't.

If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them
around.

Anything not nailed down is a cat to.

The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has
the plane fare to leave.

Whatever advice you give, be brief.

You know you beat a Republican in an argument when he
calls you names.

When a Democrat doesn't like the message, he tries to
kill the messenger.

It is not what they say about you, it's what they
whisper.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to sunshinerose28 -- HARVARD READING TEST

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department
at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you
can read each line aloud without a mistake. The
average person over 35 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line
from the top down

NO CHEATING PLEASE!

Bet you can't resist sending it on!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Your laugh for the day! Enjoy.

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These
sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or
were announced in church services.

� The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes
meals.

� The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the
Water." The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."

� Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a
chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping
around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

� The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today
has
been canceled due to a conflict.

� Remember in prayer the many who are sick in
our
community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say
"Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

� Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church
help.

� Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this
way again," giving obvious pleasure to the
congregation.

� For those of you who have children and don't
know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

� Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the
choir. They need all the help they can get.

� Barbara remains in the hospital and needs
blood
donors for more transfusions. She is also having
trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's
sermons.

� The Rector will preach his farewell message
after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into
Joy."

� Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married
on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that
began in their school days.

� A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening
in
the church hall. Music will follow.

� At the evening service tonight, the sermon
topic
will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our
choir practice.

� Eight new choir robes are currently needed due
to the addition of several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.

� Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and
other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.

� Please place your donation in the envelope
along
with the deceased person you want remembered.

� The church will host an evening of fine
dining,
super entertainment and gracious hostility.

� Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and
medication to follow.

� The ladies of the Church have cast off
clothing
of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on
Friday afternoon.

� This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn
singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a
blanket and come prepared to sin.

� Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday
morning
at 10 AM All ladies are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

� The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies
of
the congregation would lend him their electric girdles
for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

� Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet
Thursday
at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

� The eighth-graders will be presenting
Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at
7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

� Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First
Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at
the side entrance.

� The Associate Minister unveiled the church's
new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My
Pledge - Up Yours."

hUMOR For May 29th

Thanks to PW -- Stressed Out?

Just in case you are having a rough day, here is a
stress management technique recommended in all the
latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it
works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain
air.
3. No one knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place
called the world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the
air with a cascade of serenity.
6 The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you
are holding underwater

See?.....You're smiling already.

******************************************************

Thanks to PW: National Mental Health Care Week

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.
You can do your part by remembering to contact at
least one unstable person to show you care.

Well, my job is done!

******************************************************

Thanks to PW: Thoughts from Stephen Wright To ponder

Great truths come from warped minds.

FROM THE MYSTERIOUS MIND OF STEPHEN WRIGHT Ponder
these.

* I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I
don't know what to feed it.

* I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

* Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were
Catholic.

* All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me
happy.

* I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

* If the world was a logical place, men would ride
horses sidesaddle.

* What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

* They told me I was gullible . And I believed them.

* Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home
and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his
car onto a freeway.

* Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

* Experience is the thing you have left when
everything else is gone.

* What if there were no hypothetical questions?

* One nice thing about egotists. They don't talk about
other people.

* When the only tool you own is a hammer, every
problem begins to look like a nail.

* A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

* What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

* My weight is perfect for my height. Which varies.

* I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.

* The high cost of living hasn't affected its
popularity.

* How can there be self-help "groups"?

* Is there another word for synonym?

* The speed of time is one second per second.

* Is it possible to be totally partial?

* What's another word for thesaurus?

* Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

* Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

* It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like
one.

* Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like
chicken?

* If a number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it
still number 2?

******************************************************

Thanks to PW: A COMICAL LOOK AT AGING

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics
class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up
and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time
I got my leotards on, the class was over.

***

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what
do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

***

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your
own Easter eggs.

***

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was
your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

***

I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a
hip replacement and new knees. Fought prostate cancer
and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything
quieter than a jet engine and take 40 different
medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor
circulation ... hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my
friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's
license.

***

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told
her preacher she had two final requests. First, she
wanted to be buried at Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a
week."

***

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

***

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the
wrinkles fill out.

***

I've still got it ... but nobody wants to see it.

***

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some
parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

***

It's scary when you start making the same noises as
your coffeemaker.

***

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart
says, "For fast relief."

***

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get
back up.

***

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old
... You grow old because you stop laughing.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Dignified Exit"
One evening, two girlfriends and I went to a nightclub, only to find the place packed with young people. At 40, we felt old, but before we could make a dignified exit, a tall, handsome man approached us.
"Perhaps we were being a little hasty in leaving," I thought.
Then with a big smile, the man extended his hand to one of my friends and said, "Hello. Remember me? You taught me in third grade."

hUMOR For May 28th

Bad Career Move

Once, I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe
at a local college. My position had been reclassified so that it fell
into a new area outside of the Information Technology staff.

One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air
conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing
lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.

I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the
room. The computer is over there."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Bank Arrangements"
Who knows if this is true. Just the same, it's funny!
I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank, and the bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98-year-old woman.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Your children need your presence more than your presents."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Choosing Sides" At a White House dinner, a churchman offered a benediction and closed with the pious affirmation: "The Lord is on our side."When President Lincoln did not respond to this sentiment, someone asked him, "Don't you believe, Mr. President, that the Lord is always on the side of the right?""I am not concerned about that," was Lincoln's answer, "for we know that the Lord is always on the side of the right. My concern is that I and this nation should be on the Lord's side."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants
played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total
number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.

After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement: "The
correct answer is 26 years. For the two people
who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in
seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we
are airborne."

hUMOR For May 27th

Good Dentist?

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr.
Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

The other remarked that he too had gone to Dr. Taylor a few years before.

"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth
hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 mph
when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time
in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Toucan Yell"
Driving along an outback road in Australia, I spied an exotic bird flying overhead. The creature was black, with a huge and striking red-and-gold beak. "Hey, look! A toucan!" I yelled.
"Toucan nothin'," said the Aussie passenger. "It's a crow with its beak stuck in a McDonald's fries carton.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'" - Kathleen Madigan
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"More Name Puns"
More Baby name ideas, based on your occupation.....
PROFESSION: NAME
Manicurist's son: Hans
Athlete's son: Victor
Plumber's son: John
Accountant's son: Ira
Musician's daughter: Melody
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a
few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front
of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has
made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just
like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man. "Is there anything
I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say, 'Goodbye,
Mother'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was
leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up
to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked. "I only purchased a few
things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the
clerk.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Better Mouse Trap
by Robert Byron

Borlan Hosiery was in serious financial trouble when I left it for greener
pastures. Things were so bad that the company had to have a check ready for
raw materials when they arrived or else the truck driver would leave without
dropping them off. I decided to go to work for Nantucket Hosiery Company and
exactly one month to the day after I left Borlan Hosiery, they closed the
doors for good.

My new boss and a few others made me feel very welcome at Nantucket but
several of the technicians automatically took a disliking to me because I
had gotten a job they wanted. Some of them felt that they should have had a
shot at the job before the company hired someone from the outside. It didn't
matter that none of them were even remotely qualified for the job or that
most of them weren't qualified to do the jobs they currently held. They
started a rumor that the reason I had gotten the job was because I was an
old high school buddy of my boss without taking into account that my boss
was ten years older than me. I would have had to be an exceptionally smart
student or my boss would have had to be exceptionally slow for this to have
occurred but the fact is that I had never met my boss prior to my initial
interview at Nantucket.

My boss and I decided to spread a rumor of our own. We let it slip out that
we fought together during the Vietnam War and that I had saved my bosses
life. Brad, my boss, had given me the job in appreciation of my heroic
actions during the war. One morning as Brad and I discussed the tasks of the
day, one of the rumor ringleaders approached us to gather more gossip for
the rumor mill. "So, I heard you guys fought together in the war," he said.

"We sure did," said Brad. "As a matter of fact, I would probably be dead
today if it hadn't been for my old buddy Rob." Brad put his arm around my
shoulder.

"Is that a fact? How did he save your life?"

"Well," explained the boss, "We had been dropped behind enemy lines to do
extensive reconnaissance when we found ourselves surrounded by the enemy. We had specific orders not to be taken alive so our only alternative was to
stand and fight. As we were giving them everything we had, I was shot. I
told Rob to leave me but he wouldn't. He was firing his fifty-caliber
machine gun as he pulled me through the jungle by the waistband of my
underwear. Just as he ran out of bullets, my waistband broke.

"Wow! That's incredible! What happened next?"

"Well, there we were in the middle of the jungle behind enemy lines, I was
wounded, we were out of bullets. Rob picked up my broken waist band and
started shooting rocks at the enemy until he had killed them all."

"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Rob isn't even old enough
to have fought in Vietnam."

"Well, if that's the case, suppose you tell me how he's old enough to have
gone to high school with me?" With that, Brad had effectively put an end to
the "high school buddy" rumor.

Brad was an interesting as well as a highly intelligent individual. At one
time in his life he had made a hobby of making homemade guns. He told me of
an incident when he was working at a former job where he was cleaning one of
his guns while everyone else was taking a break. He was working second shift
at a small hosiery mill and was the only one in the knitting room as he
unloaded the gun. As he began cleaning it he forgot that there was a bullet
still in the chamber. The gun accidentally went off taking off a piece of
Brad's finger before blowing a hole in one of the inspection boards. Blood
gushing from his finger, he grabbed some rags and wrapped it tight.

Once the break was over he was approached by a co-worker who said, "What was
all that noise out here a little while ago?"

Brad said, "What noise?"

"A big bang. We all thought one of the machines must have torn up pretty
bad."

"That's funny. I didn't hear anything."

Brad was able to explain away his bleeding finger as an accident. He simply
said that he cut himself while working on a machine and, as luck would have
it, nobody noticed the hole in the inspection board until the next day. The
one who noticed and reported the damaged inspection board was none other
than Brad himself. He never manufactured or shot another homemade gun ever
again.

Although his gun making days were over, his inventing days weren't. Brad
made a very simple electric mousetrap using a metal plate, a plastic
Popsicle stick, a fishhook and an old electrical cord. He glued the Popsicle
stick to the center of the metal plate so that it stood up like a flagpole.
Next he glued the fishhook to the top of the Popsicle stick and then
attached one end of the electrical cord to the fishhook. He attached the
other end of the electrical cord to the metal plate and put a piece of
cheese on the hook. He plugged the cord into a wall socket and waited for
the trap to work.

We were sitting in his living room on a Sunday afternoon watching a football
game when the lights dimmed for a couple of seconds. Brad looked over at me
and quietly said, "Got one." He led me into a backroom of his house where I
witnessed a smoking mouse dangling from a fishhook. I must say that the
smell was absolutely horrid but it did bring back fond memories of when Brad
and I had fought together in the jungles of Vietnam.

hUMOR For May 26th

Memorial Day 2006

The joke for today has been sent. I want to be serious for a moment
and talk about the holiday which will be celebrated here in the
United States on Monday.

Memorial Day is on the last Monday in May and honors those men and
women who lost their lives serving their country. What we celebrate
as Memorial Day today, began at the end of the Civil War. Family
members of the many soldiers slain in battle would visit the grave
sites of their fallen relatives or friends and decorate the graves
with flowers.

On May 5, 1868, General John Logan proclaimed this day a holiday
through his General Order No. 11. The day was entitled Decoration Day
and was first observed on May 30, 1868. The northern states
celebrated this day every year, but the southern states celebrated a
day similar to this on a different day until sometime after World War I.

In 1882, the name Decoration day was changed to Memorial Day, and in
1971, Memorial Day was declared a national holiday to be held on the
last Monday of May every year. Over the years it has come to serve as
a day to remember all U.S. men and women killed or missing in action
in all wars.

I am truly grateful for the freedoms which we enjoy today. Too often,
we take these gifts for granted, little realizing the sacrifice which
was involved in ensuring that these freedoms continue to be a part of
all of our lives. Be honest, how many of us think of Memorial Day as
just another chance for a three-day weekend? A chance to go the lakes
or beaches or mountains? A trip to Disneyland or Six Flags or some
other amusement park?

If you are here in the United States, please remember to display the
flag, not just for the day but for the whole weekend. Let's not
forget the real reason for having this holiday. The quote below says
it all. Please take the time to read it.

Take care everyone.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Surgical Tools"
To address an emergency call a doctor came to see a rich patient at his home, who was screaming with extreme stomach pain and was surrounded by many anxious relatives. The Doctor kicked all the relatives out of the room, closed the door with patient and he inside.

After a while he came out and asked, "Please give me a pair of scissors." People gave him stainless steel scissors. He again went inside, closed the door and soon came back. He said, "Please give me a hammer." He got one. A number of times he repeated the routine of going inside, closing the door and then coming back again for a new tool.

Finaly he came outside one more time and asked, "Please give me a screw driver." The oldest son could not stand it any more and lost his patience. In a crying voice he pleaded, "Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he live? Could we open his will?"

The doctor said, "No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my stupid bag - I lost the key."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody else has thought." - Albert von Szent-Gyorgyi
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Foolishness"
The two teenagers were arrested for disorderly conduct. The police sergeant told them they were entitled to a phone call. Some time later a man entered the station and asked for them by name.
The sergeant said, "I suppose you're the lawyer?"
"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver their pizza."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He is
playing in the water and she is standing on the shore not
wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge
wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot
where the boy is wading.

The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. Swept
away.

She raises her hands to the sky as she screams and cries,
"Lord, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful
grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I
kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to B'nai B'rith? Haven't
I given to Hadassah? Haven't I lit candles every Friday
night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you
would be proud of?"

A voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay!"

A few minutes later, another huge wave appears out of
nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the
boy is standing there, smiling and splashing around as if
nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are
you satisfied?"

She responds, "He had a hat."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her
college education. One day she came home with five applications, and later
that evening we read them.

Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting." Under "Reason for
Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."

/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\/\\/\\//\\//\\//\\/\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//
A New York judge is ready to go through the day's business and he is very
rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long
beard, payes, the works. The judge, without asking a question, says to the
clerk: "Quick! Get me a translator."

The translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his name is, how
old is he and where does he come from?"

The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist
du, and fun vie kumst du?"

The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a
British accent: "Your Honour. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82
next Thursday and I've come from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew
Philosophy at Oxford University."

The translator turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim
Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish
philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford."

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Hypochondriacs are sick.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From Sunshinerose28

After Reading THIS, you'll NEVER look at a banana in
the same way again!

Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose,
fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana
gives an instant, sustained, and substantial boost of
energy. Research has proven that just two bananas
provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute
workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit
with the world's leading athletes. But energy isn't
the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can
also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of
illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to
our daily diet.

Depression:
According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND
amongst people suffering from depression, many felt
much better after eating a banana. This is because
bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the
body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax,
improve your mood and generally make you feel
happier.

PMS:
Forget the pills -- eat a banana.

The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose
levels, which can affect your mood.

Anemia:
High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of
hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of
anemia.

Blood Pressure:
This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in
potassium yet low in salt, making it the perfect way
to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and
Drug Administration has just allowed the banana
industry to make official claims for the fruit's
ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and
stroke.

Brain Power:
200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were
helped through their exams this year by eating bananas
at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost
their brain power. Research has shown that the
potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making
pupils more alert.

Constipation:
High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help
restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the
problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers:
One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to
make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The
banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the
honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while
the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn:
Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so
if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for
soothing relief.

Morning Sickness:
Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood
sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.

Mosquito bites:
Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing
the affected area with the inside of a banana skin.
Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing
swelling and irritation.

Nerves:
Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the
nervous system.

Overweight and at work?
Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria
found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort
food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000
hospital patients, researchers found the most obese
were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The
report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food
cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels
by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours
to keep levels steady.

Ulcers:
The banana is used as the dietary food against
intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and
smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten
without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also
neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by
coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature control:
Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit
that can lower both the physical and emotional
temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for
example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their
baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD):
Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain
the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking:
Bananas can also help people trying to give up
smoking. The B6 and B12 they contain, as well as the
potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body
recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress:
Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize
the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain, and
regulates your body's water balance.

When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises,
thereby reducing our potassium levels.

These can be rebalanced with the help of a
high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes:
According to research in "The New England Journal of
Medicine," eating bananas as part of a regular diet
can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as
40%!

So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills.
When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the
protein, twice the carbohydrates, three times the
phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and
twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich
in potassium and is one of the best value foods
around. So maybe its time to change that well-known
phrase so that we say, "A banana a day keeps the
doctor away!"

hUMOR For May 25th

A mother was dropping her son off at a friend's house. She
said to him, "Will you be good while Mommy's gone?"

The boy replied, "If you give me a dollar!"

His mother shook her head and said to him, "Why can't you be
good for nothing like your father?!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Shakespearean in Dallas"
A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, "Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."
She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.
A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he said.
So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.
He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.
"Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns." - Jack Handey
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Refrigerator"
A man opens his refrigerator, and the mayonnaise yells, "Close the door! I'm dressing!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Antics Of A Retired Husband

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill
Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our
store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and
have considered banning the entire family from
shopping in any of our stores.

We have documented all incidents on our video
surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are
attending counseling from the trouble your husband has
caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been
compiled and are listed below.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MEMO: RE: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - Things Mr.
Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in
our store:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to
go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and
watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put
a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to
a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping
department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in
if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help
him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people
just leave me alone?'

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera;
used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, asked the clerk if he knows where the
antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the
loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and
screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
door and waited awhile; then, yelled, very loudly,
"There is no toilet paper in here!"

******************************************************

Thanks to PW: GOT TO LOVE ARKANSAS

A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire
estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it
'til she's 14.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you know when you're staying in a Arkansas
hotel?

When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak
in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How can you tell if a Arkansas red neck is married?

There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his
pickup truck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age in Arkansas to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high
schools.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?

Documentaries.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where was the toothbrush invented?

Arkansas. If it had been invented anywhere else, it
would have been called a teeth brush.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30
and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the
driver replies "Bout wut?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State
Lottery?

(Come on- this is funny!)

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down!

Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The
library was a total loss too. Both books-poof! up in
flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of
them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new law was recently passed in Arkansas. When a
couple gets divorced, they ARE still cousins.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whomever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.
He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before. She couldn't turn it off so she called the security company that installed it.
The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again and the reason finally dawned on her. She said aloud, "Ok dad, I missed the signal yesterday but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." The alarm fell silent.
She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His response: "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"

hUMOR For May 24th

"Cops and Robbers"
Esther Cohen had three very active boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead."She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Discipline is that great quality few people use that enables them to be constructively busy all the time. Even in discouragement and defeat, discipline will rescue you and usher you to a new place to keep constructively busy while you forget about doubt, worry and self-pity. Oh, that more in this day would realize the absolute necessity of discipline and the degree of growth and happiness to be attained from it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Clean Communication"
In a software design meeting, we were using typical technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue."
Curious, the team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?"
The programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in
South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that
the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed. After I
gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs.

Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh,
whatever is easiest for you."

With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my
plate, and handed it back to me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On a business trip, my father approached a security checkpoint at the
airport. The National Guard shift was rotating, and a guard, in full
uniform, was in line in front of him.

As with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to go through the metal
detector. So, as he did so, he handed his M-16 rifle to security personnel
along with other items such as handcuffs and a flashlight.

Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through. Further inspection revealed
a little Swiss army knife inside one of his pockets.

"Sorry, Sir, but this item is prohibited," security said to the soldier.
Then, taking the knife away, the airport worker handed him back the M-16.

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We were driving our three-year-old son to his Grandma's home when we stopped
at a store. Once inside, our son decided he wanted one of those large
gumballs.

I told him he couldn't have one, and he began to pout. I leaned over to him
and said, "This is a fact of life: You don't always get everything you
want."

"I know," he replied. "Just don't tell Gramma."

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"After years of uneventfully ordering a side of bacon with breakfast, you
can image my surprise at the side of beef I ordered last night for
dinner." - Scott E. Frank

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Got lots of time on your hands? No? It only takes a second to tell a friend
about Absolute Robeo and The Lame Humor List. Why not take a second and tell
someone now? Why not? Well? Why? Stop arguing and just do it.

Robeo
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pizza Coupon

Dispatching her ten-year-old son to pick up a pizza, my sister handed
him money and a two-dollar coupon. Later he came home with the pizza,
and the coupon. When asked to explain, he replied, "Mom, I had enough
money. I didn't need the coupon."