Thanks to JLH: Preaching to a bear - silver
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
Monday, April 24, 2006
hUMOR For April 24th
Thanks to JLH: Preaching to a bear - silver
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
hUMOR For April 24th
Thanks to JLH: Preaching to a bear - silver
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all
served as chaplains to the students of Northern
Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for
coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to
people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment They would all go out into the woods, find
a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the
experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a
bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from
the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do
with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary
Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop
is coming out next week to give him first communion
and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In
his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL
brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out
and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my
bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we
began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So
I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And
just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in
bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back
on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to
start."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
House Calls
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a
plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did
mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I
don't make that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Laws Of What Country???
We should strongly consider adopting similar laws for
immigrants. When we were in Australia you had to have
a professional occupation and Orientals were not
permitted to immigrate.
1. Only professionals or investors can immigrate to
the country. No unskilled laborers will be allowed in.
Investors must be able to invest at least 40,000 times
the daily average wage. If they can't, they are not
allowed in.
2. Immigrants may purchase property, but locations and
availability will be limited. Ocean front property
cannot be purchased by immigrants. It is exclusively
for citizens born in the country.
3. Immigrants cannot vote nor can they be elected to
any public office.
4. Immigrants cannot collect any type of government
assistance.
5. Immigrants cannot protest the countries government,
policies or president.
6. Immigrants cannot display a flag of a foreign
country.
7. Immigrants who have illegally entered the country
will be found and imprisoned. Sound kind of harsh?
Well, these are laws that are currently part of the
Immigration Laws of, you guessed it, MEXICO!!!
(And yet, Vicente Fox encourages Mexican citizens to
violate our immigration laws. L.,B.S.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"A Hi-Tech Litmus Test"
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My chronologically older (but in regard to senility – generations older) brother, Bob, dressed very well … hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walked into an upscale Burger King.
Seated alone near the window was a sharp looking lady, surely in her 80s.
Bob walked over, sat alongside of her, turned to her and said, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
She pleads ignorance as to Bob’s Burger King habits but compliments Bob on his appearance. They talk quietly for a few minutes when the lady says, “Bob, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. You act like you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Bob said, "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? You feel like a new-born baby?"
"Yep, says Bob. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
hUMOR For April 23rd
Guided Tour
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old
European castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she
enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in
some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time
I've been here"
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years......."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Away Messages"
When you are out of the office, here are some away messages to use:
1. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get to it.
4. In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at (insert Boss's cell phone number here).
5. The e-mail server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
6. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right." - Ralph Waldo Emerson.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Health"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Jeff is an attendant in a Laundromat. A woman came in, sat near him, and chain smoked cigarette after cigarette. The smoke was bothering him, so he turned on a fan.
"Could you please point that thing in another direction?" the woman asked.
"I'm just getting over pneumonia. The last thing I need is a breeze blowing on me."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Squirrel Problem
There were four country churches in a small Texas
town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the
Methodist Church, and the Catholic Church. Each church
was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH called a meeting to
decide what to do about the squirrels. After much
prayer and consideration, they determined that the
squirrels were predestined to be there and they
shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the METHODIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up
habitation in the baptistery bowl. The deacons met and
decided to put a cover on the baptistery bowl and
drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped
somehow and there were twice as many there the next
week.
The CATHOLIC group got together and decided that they
were not in a position to harm any of God's creation.
So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them
free a few miles outside of town. Three days later,
the squirrels were back.
But -- the BAPTIST CHURCH came up with the best and
most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels
and registered them as members of the church. Now they
only see them on Christmas and Easter!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Fable
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see
the farmer and his wife open a package. "What food
might this contain?" the mouse wondered. He was
devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating
to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning:
"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a
mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and
said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern
to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be
bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry,
Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but
pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but
it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and
dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone. That
very night a sound was heard throughout the house --
like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In
the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake
whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the
farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital,
and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken
soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard
for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and
neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To
feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many
people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow
slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the
wall with great sadness. So, the next time you hear
someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't
concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened,
we are all at risk. We are all involved in this
journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one
another and make an extra effort to encourage one
another.
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old
European castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she
enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in
some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time
I've been here"
"How long is that?" asks the girl.
"About three hundred years......."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Away Messages"
When you are out of the office, here are some away messages to use:
1. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
2. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
3. Due to a transporter malfunction, I am now in the 24th century, and I don't know when I'll be back. But hey, leave a message. Someone might get to it.
4. In case of a business emergency, I may be reached 24 hours a day at (insert Boss's cell phone number here).
5. The e-mail server is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
6. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe your critics are right." - Ralph Waldo Emerson.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Health"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Jeff is an attendant in a Laundromat. A woman came in, sat near him, and chain smoked cigarette after cigarette. The smoke was bothering him, so he turned on a fan.
"Could you please point that thing in another direction?" the woman asked.
"I'm just getting over pneumonia. The last thing I need is a breeze blowing on me."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Squirrel Problem
There were four country churches in a small Texas
town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the
Methodist Church, and the Catholic Church. Each church
was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH called a meeting to
decide what to do about the squirrels. After much
prayer and consideration, they determined that the
squirrels were predestined to be there and they
shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the METHODIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up
habitation in the baptistery bowl. The deacons met and
decided to put a cover on the baptistery bowl and
drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped
somehow and there were twice as many there the next
week.
The CATHOLIC group got together and decided that they
were not in a position to harm any of God's creation.
So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them
free a few miles outside of town. Three days later,
the squirrels were back.
But -- the BAPTIST CHURCH came up with the best and
most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels
and registered them as members of the church. Now they
only see them on Christmas and Easter!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Fable
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see
the farmer and his wife open a package. "What food
might this contain?" the mouse wondered. He was
devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating
to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning:
"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a
mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and
said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern
to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be
bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry,
Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but
pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the
house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but
it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and
dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone. That
very night a sound was heard throughout the house --
like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In
the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake
whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the
farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital,
and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken
soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard
for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and
neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To
feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many
people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow
slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the
wall with great sadness. So, the next time you hear
someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't
concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened,
we are all at risk. We are all involved in this
journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one
another and make an extra effort to encourage one
another.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
hUMOR For April 22nd
A fire fighter is working on one of the engines outside the station, when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon, with little ladders hanging off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Batchelor"
I realized that my six-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a cousin's wedding.
As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the synagogue, he turned to me and asked,
"Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"There are more important things in life than money but they won't go out with you if you're broke."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Meat Bet "
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Tom's note: This sound like something that Andy Rooney would have said.)
GCF: Memory Lane
I came across this phrase in a book yesterday: "FENDER SKIRTS".
A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender
skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear
from our language with hardly a notice.
Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs."
Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that
direction first. Kids, you will probably have to find some elderly
person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and
spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a
Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point
"parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama
that went with "emergency brake."
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your dad to come home, so you
could ride the "running board" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore -
"store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought
these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought
dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement
and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for
granted. This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our
homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with,
wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their
wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word
I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say.
And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee,
I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so
modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and
"Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago?
Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured,
because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list.
The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner."
Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.
Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a "certain age"
would remember most of these. So, just for fun, Pass it along to
others of "a certain age."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BLONDE'S YEARLY EXAM
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. How much do you weigh?" she asks. "125," I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 160.
The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'5".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I scream,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
The doctor put me on Prozac.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The firefighter walks over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The Batchelor"
I realized that my six-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a cousin's wedding.
As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the synagogue, he turned to me and asked,
"Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"There are more important things in life than money but they won't go out with you if you're broke."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Meat Bet "
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Tom's note: This sound like something that Andy Rooney would have said.)
GCF: Memory Lane
I came across this phrase in a book yesterday: "FENDER SKIRTS".
A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender
skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear
from our language with hardly a notice.
Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs."
Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that
direction first. Kids, you will probably have to find some elderly
person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and
spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a
Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point
"parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama
that went with "emergency brake."
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your dad to come home, so you
could ride the "running board" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore -
"store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought
these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought
dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement
and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for
granted. This floors me.
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our
homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with,
wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their
wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word
I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say.
And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee,
I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so
modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and
"Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago?
Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured,
because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list.
The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner."
Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.
Someone forwarded this to me. I thought some of us of a "certain age"
would remember most of these. So, just for fun, Pass it along to
others of "a certain age."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BLONDE'S YEARLY EXAM
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. How much do you weigh?" she asks. "125," I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 160.
The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'5".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I scream,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"
The doctor put me on Prozac.
Friday, April 21, 2006
hUMOR For April 21
Translation
A company was doing an English-language movie where, at one point, an
exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a
vital message in Swahili. They even found someone who knew the
language, and the scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it
played in an African town where Swahili was well-known. A moment of
high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out:
"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Funeral Music"
At our local crematorium families are given the chance to chose the music CD they would like to enter the service to.
One family asked to enter to, "Love me Tender."
Well the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I would never want to reach out someday with a soft, uncallused hand -- a hand never dirtied by serving and shake the nail-pierced hand of Jesus." - Bill Hybels
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Secrets"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house, which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk to anyone about the house.
One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one secret but she could not tell it to him.
"Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret. I promise I won't tell anyone."
She looked him straight in the eye before whispering, "We have monsters in our sewer."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote
this to her bank, and the bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York
Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30
by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your
bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to
your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.
>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments
will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic,
but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your
bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope. Please
find attached an Application Contact Status which I
require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I
know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all
copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you
call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I
am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to
access my computer is required. A password will be
communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized
Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the
contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the
call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A church secretary takes a call. The caller says ,"Is the
head hog at the trough there?"
The secretary says, "Please Sir, do not refer to our pastor
as the head hog at the trough. That is very insulting."
"Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a
local phase we use in the part of the country I come from.
The real reason I called was to donate $50,000.00 to your
building fund."
The secretary says, "Hold on. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming
through the door right now."
A company was doing an English-language movie where, at one point, an
exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a
vital message in Swahili. They even found someone who knew the
language, and the scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it
played in an African town where Swahili was well-known. A moment of
high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out:
"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Funeral Music"
At our local crematorium families are given the chance to chose the music CD they would like to enter the service to.
One family asked to enter to, "Love me Tender."
Well the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I would never want to reach out someday with a soft, uncallused hand -- a hand never dirtied by serving and shake the nail-pierced hand of Jesus." - Bill Hybels
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Secrets"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A few years ago we were desperately trying to sell our house, which was situated on a busy thoroughfare. Our real estate agent decided to have open-house inspection nearly every day to promote the sale. We instructed the children not to talk to anyone about the house.
One evening a man took our seven-year-old daughter aside and asked if our house had any secrets he should know. Her first reaction was to smile and ignore his question. But he became more persistent and, finally, she confessed there was one secret but she could not tell it to him.
"Now we're getting somewhere," he said. "Tell me the secret. I promise I won't tell anyone."
She looked him straight in the eye before whispering, "We have monsters in our sewer."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote
this to her bank, and the bank manager thought it
amusing enough to have it published in the New York
Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with
which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit
of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit,
has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window
of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30
by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your
bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial
ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to
your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your
bank has become.
>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments
will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic,
but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your
bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act
for any other person to open such an envelope. Please
find attached an Application Contact Status which I
require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I
know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all
copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but,
again, I have modeled it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on
your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you
call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I
am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am
not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to
access my computer is required. A password will be
communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized
Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the
contact will then be put on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the
call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I
must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less
prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A church secretary takes a call. The caller says ,"Is the
head hog at the trough there?"
The secretary says, "Please Sir, do not refer to our pastor
as the head hog at the trough. That is very insulting."
"Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a
local phase we use in the part of the country I come from.
The real reason I called was to donate $50,000.00 to your
building fund."
The secretary says, "Hold on. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming
through the door right now."
Thursday, April 20, 2006
hUMOR For April 20th
"Patio Problem"
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." - Jerry Seinfeld
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sister Help"
A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.
Her title: "Nun of Your Business."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Second Try
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I
discovered that it had not been one of my wife's
better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go
outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all
over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile,
announced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply.
"It's after seven o'clock!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: 12 Things To Learn
The value of time
The need of perseverance
The pleasure of serving
The dignity of simplicity
The true worth of character
The power of kindness
The influence of example
The obligation of duty
The wisdom of economy
The virtue of patience
The nobility of labor
The teachings of Him who said, "Learn of Me."
anonymous
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Toilet Paper Cake
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love
this -- especially all the ladies who bake for church
events.
Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church
ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa , but she forgot
to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the
morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through
cabinets she found a dusty old Angel food cake mix in
the back of her kitchen cabinet and quickly made it
while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son
Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the
cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and
the cake was horribly disfigured.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another
cake."
The cake was so important to Alice because she did so
want to fit in at her new church, and in her new
community of new friends. So, being inventive and not
wanting anyone to think she was not the perfect woman
able to handle all things at all times or wondering
why she was not participating in her church's bazaar,
she looked around the house for something to build up
the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom .. a roll of toilet
paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it
looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the
church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter
Amanda and gave her some money and specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it
opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it
home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that
the attractive cake had already been sold.
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.
Alice was horrified... she was beside herself.
Everyone would know... what would they think? Oh, my
she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about,
ridiculed. She would have to move or kill herself! All
night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people
pointing their fingers at her and talking about her
behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would
try not to think about the cake and she would attend a
fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend
of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not
really want to attend because the hostess was a snob (
who more than once had looked down her nose at the
fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the
founding families of Tuscaloosa ), but having already
RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to
stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was
definitely upper crust old South.... and to Alice's
horror the CAKE in question was presented for dessert
!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw
the cake. She started to get out of her chair to rush
into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but
before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife
said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned and trying to formulate
what words she would use to explain the situation, sat
back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was
a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it
myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself "There is a God".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A SOUTHERN PHONE CALL
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about
churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco,
and
started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he
began
taking photographs and making notes.
In one c hurch, he spotted a golden telephone on the
vestibule
wall,
and was intrigued with a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute."
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the
sign.
The
pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to
Heaven,
and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake
City,
Denver, Chicago,! Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found
more such
phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each
pastor.
Finally, the man arrived at a church in the lovely state of
Virginia. Upon entering the church, behold: he saw the usual
golden
telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: Calls: 25 cents!
Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.
"Reverend,
I
have been in cities all across the country and in each church I
have
found
this golden telephone , and have been told it is a direct line to
Heaven, and
that I could use it to talk to God. But in 20 other churches, the
cost was
$10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call. Why is
that?"
(I just love this part!)
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in the
South now, it's a local call."
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." - Jerry Seinfeld
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sister Help"
A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.
Her title: "Nun of Your Business."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Second Try
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I
discovered that it had not been one of my wife's
better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go
outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all
over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile,
announced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply.
"It's after seven o'clock!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: 12 Things To Learn
The value of time
The need of perseverance
The pleasure of serving
The dignity of simplicity
The true worth of character
The power of kindness
The influence of example
The obligation of duty
The wisdom of economy
The virtue of patience
The nobility of labor
The teachings of Him who said, "Learn of Me."
anonymous
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Toilet Paper Cake
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love
this -- especially all the ladies who bake for church
events.
Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church
ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa , but she forgot
to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the
morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through
cabinets she found a dusty old Angel food cake mix in
the back of her kitchen cabinet and quickly made it
while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son
Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the
cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and
the cake was horribly disfigured.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another
cake."
The cake was so important to Alice because she did so
want to fit in at her new church, and in her new
community of new friends. So, being inventive and not
wanting anyone to think she was not the perfect woman
able to handle all things at all times or wondering
why she was not participating in her church's bazaar,
she looked around the house for something to build up
the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom .. a roll of toilet
paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it
looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the
church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter
Amanda and gave her some money and specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it
opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it
home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that
the attractive cake had already been sold.
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.
Alice was horrified... she was beside herself.
Everyone would know... what would they think? Oh, my
she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about,
ridiculed. She would have to move or kill herself! All
night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people
pointing their fingers at her and talking about her
behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would
try not to think about the cake and she would attend a
fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend
of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not
really want to attend because the hostess was a snob (
who more than once had looked down her nose at the
fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the
founding families of Tuscaloosa ), but having already
RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to
stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was
definitely upper crust old South.... and to Alice's
horror the CAKE in question was presented for dessert
!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw
the cake. She started to get out of her chair to rush
into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but
before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife
said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned and trying to formulate
what words she would use to explain the situation, sat
back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was
a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it
myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself "There is a God".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A SOUTHERN PHONE CALL
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about
churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco,
and
started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he
began
taking photographs and making notes.
In one c hurch, he spotted a golden telephone on the
vestibule
wall,
and was intrigued with a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute."
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the
sign.
The
pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to
Heaven,
and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake
City,
Denver, Chicago,! Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found
more such
phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each
pastor.
Finally, the man arrived at a church in the lovely state of
Virginia. Upon entering the church, behold: he saw the usual
golden
telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: Calls: 25 cents!
Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.
"Reverend,
I
have been in cities all across the country and in each church I
have
found
this golden telephone , and have been told it is a direct line to
Heaven, and
that I could use it to talk to God. But in 20 other churches, the
cost was
$10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call. Why is
that?"
(I just love this part!)
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in the
South now, it's a local call."
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
hUMOR For April 19th
In Great Detail
One day, at the dry-cleaning shop of a local Air Force Base, I
overheard a young airman describe in great detail how he wanted his
uniform cleaned and pressed.
When he finished, the counter clerk asked, "Are you getting an award,
or do you have an important military function to attend?"
"Nothing like that," the airman said. "I'm going home on leave, and
my little brother is taking me to his second-grade class for show-and-tell."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BE... B.A.D.
While shopping at a local Wal-Mart, I spotted a man with an acronym on his shirt that had B.A.D. Me, being curious, I stopped the man and asked, "What does B.A.D. stand for?" Trust me; you'll be amazed at what his response was.
He replied B.A.D. stands for: "Blessed And Delivered."
That thought stuck with me as I finished doing my shopping that day. So I came up with a little advice for you today.
* When the enemy tries to attack you, be B.A.D.
* When things don't seem to be going right on your job, be B.A.D
* When things are not looking good in your marriage, be B.A.D.
* When folks scandalize your name, just be B.A.D.
Get with somebody you know that you can be B.A.D. with!!!!
Now send this to the people who you know don't mind being B.A.D.
May God Bless You And Have A B.A.D. Day
heh heh: someone sent this to me & I LOVED it!!!
So I thought we could be B.A.D. together:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank,
and the bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become.
>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached
an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen
employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there
is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number
which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that
it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to
access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call
me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access
my computer is required. A password will be communicated to
you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1
through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will
then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous,
New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98-year-old woman.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Interpreting Hotel Brochures"
Old world charm ............. No bath
Tropical .................... Rainy
Majestic setting ............ A long way from town
Options galore .............. Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ........... Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms ........ Already occupied
Explore on your own ......... Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts .... They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ............... No extras
Nominal fee ................. Outrageous charge
Standard .................... Sub-standard
Deluxe ...................... Standard
Superior .................... One free shower cap
Cozy ........................ Small
All the amenities ........... Two free shower caps
Plush ....................... Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes .............. Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy .............. No air conditioning
Picturesque ................. Theme park nearby
Concierge ................... Stand with tourist brochures
Continental breakfast ....... Free muffin
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer." - Corrie Ten Boom, author and Holocaust survivor
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Communication"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A bricklayer at my husband's construction job routinely complained about the contents of his lunch box. "I'm sick and tired of getting the same old thing!" he shouted one day. "Tonight I'll set my wife straight."
The next day the men could hardly wait until lunchtime to hear what happened. "You bet I told her off," the bricklayer boasted. "I said, 'No more of the same old stuff. Be creative!' We had one heck of a fight, but I got my point across.
He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience, he opened his lunch box to find that his wife had packed a coconut- and a hammer.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Air Museum
I recently took my 5 kids to the Naval Air Museum in Pensacola
Florida (a great museum and free admission). They have one room that
is full of real cockpits for the kids to sit in. I lifted my 4 yr old
daughter into one cockpit that had side by side seating for the pilot
and co-pilot. When my daughter got in she said "Good - this one's two player!"
One day, at the dry-cleaning shop of a local Air Force Base, I
overheard a young airman describe in great detail how he wanted his
uniform cleaned and pressed.
When he finished, the counter clerk asked, "Are you getting an award,
or do you have an important military function to attend?"
"Nothing like that," the airman said. "I'm going home on leave, and
my little brother is taking me to his second-grade class for show-and-tell."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BE... B.A.D.
While shopping at a local Wal-Mart, I spotted a man with an acronym on his shirt that had B.A.D. Me, being curious, I stopped the man and asked, "What does B.A.D. stand for?" Trust me; you'll be amazed at what his response was.
He replied B.A.D. stands for: "Blessed And Delivered."
That thought stuck with me as I finished doing my shopping that day. So I came up with a little advice for you today.
* When the enemy tries to attack you, be B.A.D.
* When things don't seem to be going right on your job, be B.A.D
* When things are not looking good in your marriage, be B.A.D.
* When folks scandalize your name, just be B.A.D.
Get with somebody you know that you can be B.A.D. with!!!!
Now send this to the people who you know don't mind being B.A.D.
May God Bless You And Have A B.A.D. Day
heh heh: someone sent this to me & I LOVED it!!!
So I thought we could be B.A.D. together:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank,
and the bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become.
>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached
an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen
employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there
is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number
which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that
it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to
access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call
me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access
my computer is required. A password will be communicated to
you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1
through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will
then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous,
New Year.
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by a 98-year-old woman.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Interpreting Hotel Brochures"
Old world charm ............. No bath
Tropical .................... Rainy
Majestic setting ............ A long way from town
Options galore .............. Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ........... Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms ........ Already occupied
Explore on your own ......... Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts .... They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ............... No extras
Nominal fee ................. Outrageous charge
Standard .................... Sub-standard
Deluxe ...................... Standard
Superior .................... One free shower cap
Cozy ........................ Small
All the amenities ........... Two free shower caps
Plush ....................... Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes .............. Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy .............. No air conditioning
Picturesque ................. Theme park nearby
Concierge ................... Stand with tourist brochures
Continental breakfast ....... Free muffin
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer." - Corrie Ten Boom, author and Holocaust survivor
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Communication"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A bricklayer at my husband's construction job routinely complained about the contents of his lunch box. "I'm sick and tired of getting the same old thing!" he shouted one day. "Tonight I'll set my wife straight."
The next day the men could hardly wait until lunchtime to hear what happened. "You bet I told her off," the bricklayer boasted. "I said, 'No more of the same old stuff. Be creative!' We had one heck of a fight, but I got my point across.
He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience, he opened his lunch box to find that his wife had packed a coconut- and a hammer.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Air Museum
I recently took my 5 kids to the Naval Air Museum in Pensacola
Florida (a great museum and free admission). They have one room that
is full of real cockpits for the kids to sit in. I lifted my 4 yr old
daughter into one cockpit that had side by side seating for the pilot
and co-pilot. When my daughter got in she said "Good - this one's two player!"
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
hUMOR For April 18th
"Egg Contents"
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chicken Surprise
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and
orders the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the
meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of
the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady
little eyes looking around before the lid slams back
down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He
reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees
two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter
over, describes what is happening, and demands an
explanation!
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you
Peeking Duck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- PARENT - Job Description
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent work in an, often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and
frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel
required, including trips to primitive camping sites
on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in
far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at
least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be
willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess
the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go
from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case,
this time, the screams from the backyard are not
someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face
stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget
repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars
and coordinate production of multiple homework
projects. Must have ability to plan and organize
social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental
outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one
minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle
assembly and product safety testing of a half million
cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the
worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also
include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for
years, without complaining, constantly retraining and
updating your skills, so that those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually
exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and
bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18
because of the assumption that college will help them
become financally independent. When you die, you give
them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this
reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it
and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no
tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock
options are offered; this job supplies limitless
opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and
kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in
appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
letting them know they are appreciated for the
fabulous job they do... or forward wit love to anyone
thinking of applying for the job.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious
plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a
bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I don't make
that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chicken Surprise
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and
orders the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the
meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of
the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady
little eyes looking around before the lid slams back
down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He
reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees
two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter
over, describes what is happening, and demands an
explanation!
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you
Peeking Duck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- PARENT - Job Description
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent work in an, often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and
frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel
required, including trips to primitive camping sites
on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in
far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at
least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be
willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess
the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go
from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case,
this time, the screams from the backyard are not
someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face
stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget
repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars
and coordinate production of multiple homework
projects. Must have ability to plan and organize
social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental
outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one
minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle
assembly and product safety testing of a half million
cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the
worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also
include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for
years, without complaining, constantly retraining and
updating your skills, so that those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually
exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and
bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18
because of the assumption that college will help them
become financally independent. When you die, you give
them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this
reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it
and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no
tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock
options are offered; this job supplies limitless
opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and
kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in
appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
letting them know they are appreciated for the
fabulous job they do... or forward wit love to anyone
thinking of applying for the job.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious
plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a
bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I don't make
that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day
Monday, April 17, 2006
hUMOR For April 17th
A two-year-old girl, April, was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist. April kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed.
With about six other patients waiting, April marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.
"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"
Her mother woke from her doze to the sound of other patients laughing.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A policeman was on patrol when he came upon a line of cars stopped at a light with horns blasting.
The light directing that lane of traffic was green. He pulled out of line and stopped alongside of the first car in line to see what the problem was.
The car was driven by an elderly woman. He asked her why she was stopped when the light was green.
She said, "Oh, because I'm on my way to my sister's house which is that way." She pointed to the right.
The motorcycle cop said, "Well go ahead! The light is green."
The elderly woman responded with, "Yes I know, but the sign under the light says 'RIGHT TURN ON RED.'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Al, a nice Grandpa and his granddaughter Meghan were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the Meghan asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," Al answered.
For a few minutes, Meghan seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.
Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, found no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remember, old folks are worth a fortune-silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do all the time. No matter where I am-in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement-I ask myself what am I here after?"
With about six other patients waiting, April marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.
"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"
Her mother woke from her doze to the sound of other patients laughing.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A policeman was on patrol when he came upon a line of cars stopped at a light with horns blasting.
The light directing that lane of traffic was green. He pulled out of line and stopped alongside of the first car in line to see what the problem was.
The car was driven by an elderly woman. He asked her why she was stopped when the light was green.
She said, "Oh, because I'm on my way to my sister's house which is that way." She pointed to the right.
The motorcycle cop said, "Well go ahead! The light is green."
The elderly woman responded with, "Yes I know, but the sign under the light says 'RIGHT TURN ON RED.'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Al, a nice Grandpa and his granddaughter Meghan were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the Meghan asked him, "Did God make me too?"
"Yes, He did," Al answered.
For a few minutes, Meghan seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.
The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.
Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, found no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Remember, old folks are worth a fortune-silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do all the time. No matter where I am-in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement-I ask myself what am I here after?"
Sunday, April 16, 2006
hUMOR For April 16th
Parking Meter
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack
over it upon which was written: "Broken."
A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in
the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer
began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a
nearby building.
"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter.
"There's plenty of time left!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Christian One Liners
Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember,
Moses started out as a basket case.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until
you try to sit in their pews.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live
one.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The good Lord didn't create anything without a
purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives
there.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the
middle of the road, and the back of the church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on
your front door forever.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect,
you couldn't belong.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs
to pray for the one it has.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he
is dead. So why should you?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and
permanently set.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Peace starts with a smile.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
I don't know why some people change churches; what
difference does it make which one you stay home from?!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on
the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of
the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
He who angers you, controls you!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Prayer:
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power
behind us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of
God will not protect you.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes
to..........discourage him.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Expecting"
"How does Jamie like being pregnant?" Danny asked his friend Ryan.
"Oh, she's not pregnant," Ryan replied, "she's expecting."
"What's the difference?" Danny pressed.
"Well, Ryan explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . .
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Logic"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.
Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service,"DO NOT OPEN IT!
This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue!
The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects and favorite pork-barrel projects like studying sneezing and the swimming habits of insects..
This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind.
These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!
Simply send that letter back marked, "Return to Sender". If they inquire by phone, please don't use my name; I'm shy and modest about receiving the credit.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Resaturant Service
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was
crowded with fans watching a sporting event on
television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than
half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless
when suddenly, shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if
someone just got his food."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Senior humor
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics
class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up
and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time
I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And
what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer
pressure."
--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old
was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older
than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass
surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought
prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't
hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and
subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet
anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's
license.
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests. First,
she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her
ashes scattered over K-Mart. "K-Mart?" the preacher
exclaimed. "Why K-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my
daughters visit me twice a week."
---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
---It's scary when you start making the same noises as
your coffeemaker.
---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart
says, "For fast relief."
---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for
women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns
of Putty."
---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of
it as your inner child playing with matches.
---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get
back up.!
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow
old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to
forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to
tell the difference.
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack
over it upon which was written: "Broken."
A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in
the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer
began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a
nearby building.
"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter.
"There's plenty of time left!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Christian One Liners
Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember,
Moses started out as a basket case.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until
you try to sit in their pews.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live
one.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The good Lord didn't create anything without a
purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives
there.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the
middle of the road, and the back of the church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on
your front door forever.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect,
you couldn't belong.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs
to pray for the one it has.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he
is dead. So why should you?
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and
permanently set.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Peace starts with a smile.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
I don't know why some people change churches; what
difference does it make which one you stay home from?!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on
the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of
the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
He who angers you, controls you!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Prayer:
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power
behind us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of
God will not protect you.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
We don't change the message, the message changes us.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes
to..........discourage him.
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Expecting"
"How does Jamie like being pregnant?" Danny asked his friend Ryan.
"Oh, she's not pregnant," Ryan replied, "she's expecting."
"What's the difference?" Danny pressed.
"Well, Ryan explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . .
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Logic"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.
Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service,"DO NOT OPEN IT!
This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue!
The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects and favorite pork-barrel projects like studying sneezing and the swimming habits of insects..
This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind.
These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!
Simply send that letter back marked, "Return to Sender". If they inquire by phone, please don't use my name; I'm shy and modest about receiving the credit.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Resaturant Service
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was
crowded with fans watching a sporting event on
television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than
half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless
when suddenly, shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if
someone just got his food."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Senior humor
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics
class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up
and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time
I got my leotards on, the class was over.
--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And
what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer
pressure."
--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old
was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older
than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass
surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought
prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't
hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and
subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet
anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's
license.
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests. First,
she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her
ashes scattered over K-Mart. "K-Mart?" the preacher
exclaimed. "Why K-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my
daughters visit me twice a week."
---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
---It's scary when you start making the same noises as
your coffeemaker.
---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart
says, "For fast relief."
---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for
women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns
of Putty."
---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of
it as your inner child playing with matches.
---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get
back up.!
--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow
old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to
forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to
tell the difference.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
hUMOR For April 15th
The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS
about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of
$80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said.
"I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, and the
place is closed only three days a year. And you want to know
how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said.
"It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for
you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said, smiling. "I forgot to tell you -
we also deliver."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Non-Plumber's Helper
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to
dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a
non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur,
which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the
toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it.
However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what
to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple
dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still
wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to TF (who, by the way, though new as a
provider of material for DH, is sending some great
stuff -- you'll see his initials a lot in the coming
weeks, Lord willing) --
You Know You're From North Carolina IF
You've gotten used to the smell of cow manure on a car
trip to Raleigh.
Saying "y'all" isn't just a cute _expression; it
actually means something.
There are big labrador retrievers in the back of every
truck.
You give directions using KFC and Waffle House as
landmarks.
You still see Dale Earndheart tributes on cars.
You can't imagine life without Bojangles' sweet tea
Your annual church fundraiser always deals with bbq
and potato salad
You have a sunburn from May to October
Your 'heavy winter clothing' consists of some
turtleneck sweaters, a fuzzy jacket, and your daddy's
boots
Your family has fried chicken once a week
You can tell the difference between cotton fields and
tobacco fields while driving
One of your neighbors has a confederate flag hanging
on their front porch
Those "damn yankees" are taking over your
school/church/workplace/neighborhood...
You've been "properly raised", and yankees love it
when they hear you say "ma'am" and "sir"
You get your carbs from biscuits, rolls, pancakes, and
grits
You know the difference between a "redneck" and a
"hick".
You own at least one surf shop or seafood restaurant
shirts.
No matter what those people in ohio say, we are still
"first in flight"
The Coca-Cola 600 is as big as the Super Bowl
You prefer Chick-fil-a to KFC
You know pastry is a chicken stew, not a dessert item.
Every time you visit someone you?re offered something
to eat and a glass of tea.
Your granddaddy always wore overalls and your grandma
always wore an apron.
In summer you have home-grown tomatoes with every
meal.
When it rains and the creek rises, everyone gathers to
see how high it rose.
You know that "chunk" the ball means to throw it.
You've had a burger "all the way" - chili and slaw on
it.
You can recognize a copperhead and your heart drops
when you see one.
You have at least one relative that raises collards.
Your folks have taken trips to the mountains to look
at leaves.
Your school classes were cancelled because of a
hurricane.
You know Krispy Kreme makes the best doughnut.
You have an opinion about UNC. You went there and
loved it, or you hate everyone who did.
You know the best BBQ is found in Lexington
You would rather eat at Bojangles's than McDonald's
You have actually uttered the phrase "It's too hot to
go to the pool"
You faithfully drink Pepsi or Mt. Dew everyday of your
life.
You have your own secret bbq sauce.
You or your neighbors have more hunting dogs than you
have family members.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other
friends from North Carolina.
about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of
$80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said.
"I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, and the
place is closed only three days a year. And you want to know
how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said.
"It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for
you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said, smiling. "I forgot to tell you -
we also deliver."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Non-Plumber's Helper
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to
dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a
non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur,
which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the
toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it.
However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what
to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple
dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still
wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to TF (who, by the way, though new as a
provider of material for DH, is sending some great
stuff -- you'll see his initials a lot in the coming
weeks, Lord willing) --
You Know You're From North Carolina IF
You've gotten used to the smell of cow manure on a car
trip to Raleigh.
Saying "y'all" isn't just a cute _expression; it
actually means something.
There are big labrador retrievers in the back of every
truck.
You give directions using KFC and Waffle House as
landmarks.
You still see Dale Earndheart tributes on cars.
You can't imagine life without Bojangles' sweet tea
Your annual church fundraiser always deals with bbq
and potato salad
You have a sunburn from May to October
Your 'heavy winter clothing' consists of some
turtleneck sweaters, a fuzzy jacket, and your daddy's
boots
Your family has fried chicken once a week
You can tell the difference between cotton fields and
tobacco fields while driving
One of your neighbors has a confederate flag hanging
on their front porch
Those "damn yankees" are taking over your
school/church/workplace/neighborhood...
You've been "properly raised", and yankees love it
when they hear you say "ma'am" and "sir"
You get your carbs from biscuits, rolls, pancakes, and
grits
You know the difference between a "redneck" and a
"hick".
You own at least one surf shop or seafood restaurant
shirts.
No matter what those people in ohio say, we are still
"first in flight"
The Coca-Cola 600 is as big as the Super Bowl
You prefer Chick-fil-a to KFC
You know pastry is a chicken stew, not a dessert item.
Every time you visit someone you?re offered something
to eat and a glass of tea.
Your granddaddy always wore overalls and your grandma
always wore an apron.
In summer you have home-grown tomatoes with every
meal.
When it rains and the creek rises, everyone gathers to
see how high it rose.
You know that "chunk" the ball means to throw it.
You've had a burger "all the way" - chili and slaw on
it.
You can recognize a copperhead and your heart drops
when you see one.
You have at least one relative that raises collards.
Your folks have taken trips to the mountains to look
at leaves.
Your school classes were cancelled because of a
hurricane.
You know Krispy Kreme makes the best doughnut.
You have an opinion about UNC. You went there and
loved it, or you hate everyone who did.
You know the best BBQ is found in Lexington
You would rather eat at Bojangles's than McDonald's
You have actually uttered the phrase "It's too hot to
go to the pool"
You faithfully drink Pepsi or Mt. Dew everyday of your
life.
You have your own secret bbq sauce.
You or your neighbors have more hunting dogs than you
have family members.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other
friends from North Carolina.
Friday, April 14, 2006
hUMOR For April 14th
Scale Convention
At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh
themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some
visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight. A
smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by
promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover
the digital display so only she could see her weight.
She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice
from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Q & A"
Q. Why did Freud cross the road?
A. Hmm, and when did you first notice this interest in roads?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." - Martin Luther King, Jr.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration - "God, Our Father"
A young boy burst into the great throne chambers of a medieval king. The boy was skipping and singing as children do. He was completely oblivious to the regal sobriety of his surroundings. Suddenly, he was intercepted by an armored solider.
"Have you no respect, lad?" hissed the soldier. "Don't you know that the man on the throne is your king?"
The boy wriggled out of the soldier's grasp. Dancing away, he laughed and said, "He is your king but he is my father!" And the boy bounced up to the throne and leaped into the king's lap.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said,
"Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will
have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with
your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail
them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope,
'Now, you have everything.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to CJT: Road Sign
A priest and a pastor from the local church are
standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign
into the ground, that reads:
The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before
It's Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us
alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard
screeching tires and a big splash.
The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think
the sign should just say, 'Bridge Out'?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: The Sound Advice Of Abraham Lincoln
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the
strong.
You cannot help small men by tearing down big men.
You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the
wage payer.
You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than
your income.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting
class hatreds.
You cannot establish security on borrowed money.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away
a man's initiative and independence.
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what
they could and should do for themselves.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Tailgater...
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out
woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned
yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten the red light by accelerating through the
intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn,
screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to
get through the intersection. As she was still in
mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The
officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands
up. He took her to the police station where she was
searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a
holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the
cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the
booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting
with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your
horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and
cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose
Life license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do'
bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School'
bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish
emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had
stolen the car."
Priceless!
At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh
themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some
visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight. A
smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by
promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover
the digital display so only she could see her weight.
She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice
from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Q & A"
Q. Why did Freud cross the road?
A. Hmm, and when did you first notice this interest in roads?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." - Martin Luther King, Jr.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration - "God, Our Father"
A young boy burst into the great throne chambers of a medieval king. The boy was skipping and singing as children do. He was completely oblivious to the regal sobriety of his surroundings. Suddenly, he was intercepted by an armored solider.
"Have you no respect, lad?" hissed the soldier. "Don't you know that the man on the throne is your king?"
The boy wriggled out of the soldier's grasp. Dancing away, he laughed and said, "He is your king but he is my father!" And the boy bounced up to the throne and leaped into the king's lap.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said,
"Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will
have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with
your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail
them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope,
'Now, you have everything.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to CJT: Road Sign
A priest and a pastor from the local church are
standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign
into the ground, that reads:
The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before
It's Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us
alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard
screeching tires and a big splash.
The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think
the sign should just say, 'Bridge Out'?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: The Sound Advice Of Abraham Lincoln
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the
strong.
You cannot help small men by tearing down big men.
You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the
wage payer.
You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than
your income.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting
class hatreds.
You cannot establish security on borrowed money.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away
a man's initiative and independence.
You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what
they could and should do for themselves.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Tailgater...
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out
woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned
yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten the red light by accelerating through the
intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn,
screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to
get through the intersection. As she was still in
mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The
officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands
up. He took her to the police station where she was
searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a
holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the
cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the
booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting
with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your
horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and
cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose
Life license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do'
bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School'
bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish
emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had
stolen the car."
Priceless!
Thursday, April 13, 2006
hUMOR For April 13th
"Free Will"
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause.
Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"I try to sell insurance to every telemarketer that calls me."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Chair Sleep"
After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning.
"It's twenty to seven," she called.
"In whose favor?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tax his cow, tax his goat;
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his crop, tax his work;
Tax his ties, tax his shirt.
Tax his chew, tax his smoke;
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule;
Tell him, "Taxing is the rule."
Tax his oil, tax his gas;
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more;
Tax him 'til he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod 'neath which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb:
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax;
We'll still collect inheritance tax.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: ONLY IN AMERICA...
Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all
the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
at the front.
Only in America......do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !
Only in America ...do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands
of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in
the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of
ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning
'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'..
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM
machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artifi cial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?
Why isn't there mous e-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of
that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the
opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not Likely.....
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to
some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be
seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned
and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause.
Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"I try to sell insurance to every telemarketer that calls me."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Chair Sleep"
After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning.
"It's twenty to seven," she called.
"In whose favor?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tax his cow, tax his goat;
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his crop, tax his work;
Tax his ties, tax his shirt.
Tax his chew, tax his smoke;
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule;
Tell him, "Taxing is the rule."
Tax his oil, tax his gas;
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more;
Tax him 'til he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod 'neath which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb:
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax;
We'll still collect inheritance tax.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: ONLY IN AMERICA...
Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all
the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
at the front.
Only in America......do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !
Only in America ...do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands
of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in
the garage.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of
ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning
'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'..
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM
machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artifi cial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?
Why isn't there mous e-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of
that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the
opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not Likely.....
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to
some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be
seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned
and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
hUMOR For April 12th
All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and
you can too, provided you use them for business purposes.
For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a
business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your
house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief
Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision:
"Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
if it rains?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Not Likely"
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Attending Worship"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Thanks to everyone who e-mailed to let me know that April the 6th's illustration was a song sung by Tammy Wynette, Shirley Caesar, Melba Montgomery, bt written by Harlan Howard
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches.
The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his older brother explained.
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, He showed up!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to GB: The Memorial
Sunday morning, the preacher noticed that little Alex
was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the
foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with
names, and small American flags were mounted on either
side of it. The little seven-year old had been staring
at the plaque for some time, so the preacher walked
up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning Alex." "Good morning preacher," replied the
young man, still focused on the plaque. "Preacher,
what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, Son, it's a Memorial
to all the young men and women who died in the
service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the
large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible
when he asked.. "Which service, the 9:00 or the
11:00?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Odd Cure
The owner of a drugstore comes to work to find a man
leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside
and asks his clerk what's up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't
find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave
him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," said the
owner. "Sure it will," says the clerk, pointing to the
man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's afraid to
cough."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- (This one is familiar, but
I couldn't find it in the archive) -- Ducks
Three men die together in an accident and go to
heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one
rule here in heaven... don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks
all over the place. It is almost impossible not to
step on a duck, and although they try their best to
avoid them, the first man accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever
saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your
punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity
chained to this ugly woman!"
The next day, the second man steps accidentally on a
duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a
thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as
for the first man.
The third man has observed all this and, not wanting
to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is
very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go
months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to him with the most beautiful woman he
has ever laid eyes on... very shapely, tanned,
beautiful face and gorgeous hair. St. Peter chains
them together without saying a word.
The man remarks, with a very happy smile, and a slight
tingle, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained
to you for all of eternity?"
The woman says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped
on a duck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: SOMETHING ABOUT ISRAEL
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was
about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely
lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To
remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience
his heritage.
A year later the young man returned home. "Father,
thank you for sending me to the land of our fathers,"
the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening;
however, I must confess that while in Israel I
converted to Christianity.
"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?" So,
in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his
best friend and sought his advice and solace.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his
friend. "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned
a Christian." So in the tradition of the patriarchs,
they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should
come to me," stated the Rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to
Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening
to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord."
They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour
out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the
clouds above opened and a mighty voice said, "Amazing
that you should come to me. I, too, sent my Son to
Israel...."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This could work!!
: USRSF - WORLD'S MOST FEARED FIGHTING FORCE!
USRSF
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of
a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) .
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky,
Louisiana,
Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma,
Tennessee, Texas and West
Virginia boys will be dropped off into Iraq and
have been given only the
following facts about terrorists :
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country
music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the deaths
of Elvis & Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be
over by next Friday .
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you can too, provided you use them for business purposes.
For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a
business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your
house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief
Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision:
"Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
if it rains?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Not Likely"
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Attending Worship"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Thanks to everyone who e-mailed to let me know that April the 6th's illustration was a song sung by Tammy Wynette, Shirley Caesar, Melba Montgomery, bt written by Harlan Howard
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches.
The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his older brother explained.
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, He showed up!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to GB: The Memorial
Sunday morning, the preacher noticed that little Alex
was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the
foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with
names, and small American flags were mounted on either
side of it. The little seven-year old had been staring
at the plaque for some time, so the preacher walked
up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning Alex." "Good morning preacher," replied the
young man, still focused on the plaque. "Preacher,
what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, Son, it's a Memorial
to all the young men and women who died in the
service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the
large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible
when he asked.. "Which service, the 9:00 or the
11:00?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Odd Cure
The owner of a drugstore comes to work to find a man
leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside
and asks his clerk what's up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't
find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave
him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," said the
owner. "Sure it will," says the clerk, pointing to the
man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's afraid to
cough."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- (This one is familiar, but
I couldn't find it in the archive) -- Ducks
Three men die together in an accident and go to
heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one
rule here in heaven... don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks
all over the place. It is almost impossible not to
step on a duck, and although they try their best to
avoid them, the first man accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever
saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your
punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity
chained to this ugly woman!"
The next day, the second man steps accidentally on a
duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a
thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as
for the first man.
The third man has observed all this and, not wanting
to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is
very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go
months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to him with the most beautiful woman he
has ever laid eyes on... very shapely, tanned,
beautiful face and gorgeous hair. St. Peter chains
them together without saying a word.
The man remarks, with a very happy smile, and a slight
tingle, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained
to you for all of eternity?"
The woman says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped
on a duck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: SOMETHING ABOUT ISRAEL
A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was
about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely
lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To
remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience
his heritage.
A year later the young man returned home. "Father,
thank you for sending me to the land of our fathers,"
the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening;
however, I must confess that while in Israel I
converted to Christianity.
"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?" So,
in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his
best friend and sought his advice and solace.
"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his
friend. "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned
a Christian." So in the tradition of the patriarchs,
they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should
come to me," stated the Rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to
Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening
to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord."
They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour
out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the
clouds above opened and a mighty voice said, "Amazing
that you should come to me. I, too, sent my Son to
Israel...."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This could work!!
: USRSF - WORLD'S MOST FEARED FIGHTING FORCE!
USRSF
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of
a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) .
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky,
Louisiana,
Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma,
Tennessee, Texas and West
Virginia boys will be dropped off into Iraq and
have been given only the
following facts about terrorists :
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country
music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the deaths
of Elvis & Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be
over by next Friday .
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
hUMOR For April
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian
said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this
turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my
guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must
return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what
should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to
keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his
residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that
someone had stolen his turkey.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1975 vs 2005
1975: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair
1975: KEG
2005: EKG
1975: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux
1975: Moving to California because it's cool
2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1975: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage
1975: Hoping for a BMW
2005: Hoping for a BM
1975: Going to a hip new joint
2005: Getting a new hip joint
1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney stones
1975: Down with the system
2005: Upgrade the system
1975: Disco
2005: Costco
1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1975: Passing your driver's test
2005: Passing the vision test
1975: Whatever
2005: Depends
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Job Perks
A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The
Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life
insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.
She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five
year's salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they
paid the full premiums."
"I can't help but ask why you would leave a job with such benefits,"
the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."
said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this
turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my
guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must
return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what
should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to
keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his
residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that
someone had stolen his turkey.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1975 vs 2005
1975: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair
1975: KEG
2005: EKG
1975: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux
1975: Moving to California because it's cool
2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1975: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage
1975: Hoping for a BMW
2005: Hoping for a BM
1975: Going to a hip new joint
2005: Getting a new hip joint
1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney stones
1975: Down with the system
2005: Upgrade the system
1975: Disco
2005: Costco
1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1975: Passing your driver's test
2005: Passing the vision test
1975: Whatever
2005: Depends
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Job Perks
A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The
Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life
insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.
She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five
year's salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they
paid the full premiums."
"I can't help but ask why you would leave a job with such benefits,"
the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."
Monday, April 10, 2006
hUMOR For April 10th
"Parking Solution"
A pastor of a two-church parish had to drive every Sunday morning about 4 miles from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o'clock at the other. He would often find the parking lot of the second church full, and be forced to park down the road and race to the church on foot.
The problem was finally solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the church and posted a sign that read, "You Park - You Preach."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Darnell Madison, 37, was shot and killed in July in Homewood, Ala., when he burst into a motel room intending to rob the seven men whom he had seen with a wad of money. He was unaware they were armed police officers working on another case
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apple sues Apple Corp.
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Apple Corporation Sues Itself.
[AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads, Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computers Corporation. The company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own machines which has helped to make the company famous.
An Apple Spokesperson stated "This is no joke. If we don't protect our copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves." The spokesperson says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple's in house lawyers will defend.
Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. "In the old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on reality."
The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college students and professionals.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Closing down Denny's
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Denny's resturants are also open 24 hours a day. When they decided to close last Christmas (first time ever), they realized that a lot of doors did not have locks, most of those that did have locks, no one knew where to find the keys!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People with busy lives
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
St. Paul, Minnesota:
For people with lots on their agenda, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing Company creates 25-inch-by-30-inch Post-It Easel Pads.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New military tourism
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Moscow, Russia:
First it was a flight in a MiG fighter jet. Then 30 seconds of weightlessness in a cosmonaut-training device.
Soon thrill-seeking tourists may be able to ride in a Russian submarine, tank or missile ship.
Pressed for money and burdened with surplus weaponry since the end of the Cold War, Russia is pioneering a new fad: military tourism.
The only requirements are a taste for adventure and plenty of cash.
As the plane goes into a dive from 30,000 feet, passengers in its padded zero-gravity chamber suddenly rise from the aircraft's floor.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pathetic lawsuits
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
January 16, 1993
In 1989, a Union Bridge, Md., high school permitted a female student, Tawana Hammond, 17, to try out for its football team under the pressure of a federal statute that bars school discrimination on the basis of gender.
On her first scrimmage, Tawana, a running back, was tackled and suffered massive internal injuries.
In October 1992, she filed a $1.5 million lawsuit against the county board of education for its alleged failure to tell her how dangerous football is.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Home burglar survey
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
February 1, 1993
A survey of home burglars' work preferences published in Whittle Communications' Special Report magazine revealed that 32 percent like to browse through family photographs while on the job, 27 percent like to raid the refrigerator, and 7 percent watch TV.
Seventy percent of the 191 imprisoned burglars reported they like to limit their jobs to a 20-minute maximum, 17 percent wondered what their victims were like, and 59 percent said a dog in the home was the most effective burglary deterrent.
A pastor of a two-church parish had to drive every Sunday morning about 4 miles from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o'clock at the other. He would often find the parking lot of the second church full, and be forced to park down the road and race to the church on foot.
The problem was finally solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the church and posted a sign that read, "You Park - You Preach."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Darnell Madison, 37, was shot and killed in July in Homewood, Ala., when he burst into a motel room intending to rob the seven men whom he had seen with a wad of money. He was unaware they were armed police officers working on another case
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apple sues Apple Corp.
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Apple Corporation Sues Itself.
[AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads, Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computers Corporation. The company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own machines which has helped to make the company famous.
An Apple Spokesperson stated "This is no joke. If we don't protect our copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves." The spokesperson says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple's in house lawyers will defend.
Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. "In the old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on reality."
The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college students and professionals.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Closing down Denny's
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Denny's resturants are also open 24 hours a day. When they decided to close last Christmas (first time ever), they realized that a lot of doors did not have locks, most of those that did have locks, no one knew where to find the keys!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People with busy lives
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
St. Paul, Minnesota:
For people with lots on their agenda, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing Company creates 25-inch-by-30-inch Post-It Easel Pads.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New military tourism
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Moscow, Russia:
First it was a flight in a MiG fighter jet. Then 30 seconds of weightlessness in a cosmonaut-training device.
Soon thrill-seeking tourists may be able to ride in a Russian submarine, tank or missile ship.
Pressed for money and burdened with surplus weaponry since the end of the Cold War, Russia is pioneering a new fad: military tourism.
The only requirements are a taste for adventure and plenty of cash.
As the plane goes into a dive from 30,000 feet, passengers in its padded zero-gravity chamber suddenly rise from the aircraft's floor.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pathetic lawsuits
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
January 16, 1993
In 1989, a Union Bridge, Md., high school permitted a female student, Tawana Hammond, 17, to try out for its football team under the pressure of a federal statute that bars school discrimination on the basis of gender.
On her first scrimmage, Tawana, a running back, was tackled and suffered massive internal injuries.
In October 1992, she filed a $1.5 million lawsuit against the county board of education for its alleged failure to tell her how dangerous football is.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Home burglar survey
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
February 1, 1993
A survey of home burglars' work preferences published in Whittle Communications' Special Report magazine revealed that 32 percent like to browse through family photographs while on the job, 27 percent like to raid the refrigerator, and 7 percent watch TV.
Seventy percent of the 191 imprisoned burglars reported they like to limit their jobs to a 20-minute maximum, 17 percent wondered what their victims were like, and 59 percent said a dog in the home was the most effective burglary deterrent.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
hUMOR For April 9th
Cat Petting
We moved into an apartment while we were looking for a place that
would let us keep our pets. We could not have our pets at our
apartment, so my brother-in-law kept our cat for us until we could
find a place that would let us keep him.
One day he came home after dark and saw the cat on the porch eating.
He reached down to pet him and while he was petting him he looked
over toward the fence where he saw MY cat sitting. Looking back
around to see what he was petting he realized that it was a raccoon
that had come up to eat the cat food. After that the cat was fed in the house.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Rest Home Trial"
Aunt Mary, a spinster of 92, had finally consented to go to a rest home, but strictly on a two-week-trial basis. Consequently, she took a small overnight case with only the bare essentials.
A couple of days later her niece was surprised to get a phone call from her demanding more clothes.
"Please bring me that good black silk, my lavender print, the brown wool..." and she went on and on. Finally after a brief questioning from her niece, Aunt Mary expostulated:
"There are MEN in this place!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast."
We moved into an apartment while we were looking for a place that
would let us keep our pets. We could not have our pets at our
apartment, so my brother-in-law kept our cat for us until we could
find a place that would let us keep him.
One day he came home after dark and saw the cat on the porch eating.
He reached down to pet him and while he was petting him he looked
over toward the fence where he saw MY cat sitting. Looking back
around to see what he was petting he realized that it was a raccoon
that had come up to eat the cat food. After that the cat was fed in the house.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Rest Home Trial"
Aunt Mary, a spinster of 92, had finally consented to go to a rest home, but strictly on a two-week-trial basis. Consequently, she took a small overnight case with only the bare essentials.
A couple of days later her niece was surprised to get a phone call from her demanding more clothes.
"Please bring me that good black silk, my lavender print, the brown wool..." and she went on and on. Finally after a brief questioning from her niece, Aunt Mary expostulated:
"There are MEN in this place!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast."
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