hUMOR For April 16th

Parking Meter

On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack
over it upon which was written: "Broken."

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in
the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer
began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a
nearby building.

"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter.
"There's plenty of time left!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Christian One Liners

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember,
Moses started out as a basket case.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until
you try to sit in their pews.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live
one.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The good Lord didn't create anything without a
purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives
there.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the
middle of the road, and the back of the church.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on
your front door forever.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect,
you couldn't belong.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

If the church wants a better preacher, it only needs
to pray for the one it has.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he
is dead. So why should you?

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and
permanently set.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Peace starts with a smile.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

I don't know why some people change churches; what
difference does it make which one you stay home from?!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on
the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Don't put a question mark where God put a period.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Forbidden fruits create many jams.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God grades on the cross, not the curve.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of
the spirit" over "religious nuts!"

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

He who angers you, controls you!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

If God is your Co-pilot - swap seats!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Prayer:

Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power
behind us.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of
God will not protect you.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

We don't change the message, the message changes us.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

You can tell how big a person is by what it takes
to..........discourage him.

*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Expecting"
"How does Jamie like being pregnant?" Danny asked his friend Ryan.
"Oh, she's not pregnant," Ryan replied, "she's expecting."
"What's the difference?" Danny pressed.
"Well, Ryan explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet . .
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." - Will Rogers
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Logic"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle.
Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service,"DO NOT OPEN IT!
This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue!
The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects and favorite pork-barrel projects like studying sneezing and the swimming habits of insects..
This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind.
These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!
Simply send that letter back marked, "Return to Sender". If they inquire by phone, please don't use my name; I'm shy and modest about receiving the credit.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Resaturant Service

The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was
crowded with fans watching a sporting event on
television.

The harried waitress took our order, but more than
half an hour passed with no sign of her return.

I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless
when suddenly, shouts of victory came from the bar.

"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if
someone just got his food."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Senior humor

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics
class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up
and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time
I got my leotards on, the class was over.

--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And
what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer
pressure."

--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old
was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older
than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass
surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought
prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't
hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40
different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and
subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet
anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all
my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's
license.

--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests. First,
she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her
ashes scattered over K-Mart. "K-Mart?" the preacher
exclaimed. "Why K-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my
daughters visit me twice a week."

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

---It's scary when you start making the same noises as
your coffeemaker.

---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart
says, "For fast relief."

---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for
women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns
of Putty."

---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of
it as your inner child playing with matches.

---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get
back up.!

--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow
old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to
forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to
tell the difference.

hUMOR For April 15th

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS
about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of
$80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said.
"I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, and the
place is closed only three days a year. And you want to know
how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said.
"It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for
you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said, smiling. "I forgot to tell you -
we also deliver."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Non-Plumber's Helper

Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to
dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a
non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur,
which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the
toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it.
However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what
to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple
dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still
wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to TF (who, by the way, though new as a
provider of material for DH, is sending some great
stuff -- you'll see his initials a lot in the coming
weeks, Lord willing) --

You Know You're From North Carolina IF

You've gotten used to the smell of cow manure on a car
trip to Raleigh.

Saying "y'all" isn't just a cute _expression; it
actually means something.

There are big labrador retrievers in the back of every
truck.

You give directions using KFC and Waffle House as
landmarks.

You still see Dale Earndheart tributes on cars.

You can't imagine life without Bojangles' sweet tea

Your annual church fundraiser always deals with bbq
and potato salad

You have a sunburn from May to October

Your 'heavy winter clothing' consists of some
turtleneck sweaters, a fuzzy jacket, and your daddy's
boots

Your family has fried chicken once a week

You can tell the difference between cotton fields and
tobacco fields while driving

One of your neighbors has a confederate flag hanging
on their front porch

Those "damn yankees" are taking over your
school/church/workplace/neighborhood...

You've been "properly raised", and yankees love it
when they hear you say "ma'am" and "sir"

You get your carbs from biscuits, rolls, pancakes, and
grits

You know the difference between a "redneck" and a
"hick".

You own at least one surf shop or seafood restaurant
shirts.

No matter what those people in ohio say, we are still
"first in flight"

The Coca-Cola 600 is as big as the Super Bowl

You prefer Chick-fil-a to KFC

You know pastry is a chicken stew, not a dessert item.

Every time you visit someone you?re offered something
to eat and a glass of tea.

Your granddaddy always wore overalls and your grandma
always wore an apron.

In summer you have home-grown tomatoes with every
meal.

When it rains and the creek rises, everyone gathers to
see how high it rose.

You know that "chunk" the ball means to throw it.

You've had a burger "all the way" - chili and slaw on
it.

You can recognize a copperhead and your heart drops
when you see one.

You have at least one relative that raises collards.

Your folks have taken trips to the mountains to look
at leaves.

Your school classes were cancelled because of a
hurricane.

You know Krispy Kreme makes the best doughnut.

You have an opinion about UNC. You went there and
loved it, or you hate everyone who did.

You know the best BBQ is found in Lexington

You would rather eat at Bojangles's than McDonald's

You have actually uttered the phrase "It's too hot to
go to the pool"

You faithfully drink Pepsi or Mt. Dew everyday of your
life.

You have your own secret bbq sauce.

You or your neighbors have more hunting dogs than you
have family members.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other
friends from North Carolina.

hUMOR For April 14th

Scale Convention

At the scale manufacturers' convention, people often wanted to weigh
themselves on different scales to see if they agreed. However, some
visitors abstained, not wishing to advertise their weight. A
smooth-talking representative coaxed a woman onto his scale by
promising her that he would not look and that she could even cover
the digital display so only she could see her weight.

She finally stood on the scale, whereupon a loud, mechanical voice
from within the machine announced: "One hundred and sixty-three."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Q & A"
Q. Why did Freud cross the road?
A. Hmm, and when did you first notice this interest in roads?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity." - Martin Luther King, Jr.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration - "God, Our Father"
A young boy burst into the great throne chambers of a medieval king. The boy was skipping and singing as children do. He was completely oblivious to the regal sobriety of his surroundings. Suddenly, he was intercepted by an armored solider.
"Have you no respect, lad?" hissed the soldier. "Don't you know that the man on the throne is your king?"
The boy wriggled out of the soldier's grasp. Dancing away, he laughed and said, "He is your king but he is my father!" And the boy bounced up to the throne and leaped into the king's lap.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said,
"Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will
have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with
your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail
them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope,
'Now, you have everything.'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to CJT: Road Sign

A priest and a pastor from the local church are
standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign
into the ground, that reads:

The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before
It's Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us
alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard
screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think
the sign should just say, 'Bridge Out'?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: The Sound Advice Of Abraham Lincoln

You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the
strong.

You cannot help small men by tearing down big men.

You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.

You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the
wage payer.

You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than
your income.

You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting
class hatreds.

You cannot establish security on borrowed money.

You cannot build character and courage by taking away
a man's initiative and independence.

You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what
they could and should do for themselves.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: Tailgater...

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out
woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned
yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten the red light by accelerating through the
intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn,
screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to
get through the intersection. As she was still in
mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious police officer. The
officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands
up. He took her to the police station where she was
searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a
holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the
cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the
booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting
with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your
horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and
cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose
Life license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do'
bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School'
bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish
emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had
stolen the car."

Priceless!

hUMOR For April 13th

"Free Will"
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause.
Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"I try to sell insurance to every telemarketer that calls me."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Chair Sleep"
After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning.
"It's twenty to seven," she called.
"In whose favor?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tax his cow, tax his goat;
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his crop, tax his work;
Tax his ties, tax his shirt.
Tax his chew, tax his smoke;
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule;
Tell him, "Taxing is the rule."
Tax his oil, tax his gas;
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more;
Tax him 'til he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod 'neath which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb:
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax;
We'll still collect inheritance tax.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to PW: ONLY IN AMERICA...

Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all
the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
at the front.

Only in America......do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !

Only in America ...do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands
of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in
the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of
ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning
'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'..

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM
machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth
closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artifi cial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?

Why isn't there mous e-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal
injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of
that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the
opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not Likely.....

In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to
some questions the teacher was asking.

"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be
seen by the opposite sex?"

I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned
and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

hUMOR For April 12th

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and
you can too, provided you use them for business purposes.
For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a
business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your
house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief
Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision:
"Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
if it rains?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Not Likely"
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Attending Worship"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Thanks to everyone who e-mailed to let me know that April the 6th's illustration was a song sung by Tammy Wynette, Shirley Caesar, Melba Montgomery, bt written by Harlan Howard
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches.
The boy asked what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his older brother explained.
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, He showed up!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to GB: The Memorial

Sunday morning, the preacher noticed that little Alex
was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the
foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with
names, and small American flags were mounted on either
side of it. The little seven-year old had been staring
at the plaque for some time, so the preacher walked
up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good
morning Alex." "Good morning preacher," replied the
young man, still focused on the plaque. "Preacher,
what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, Son, it's a Memorial
to all the young men and women who died in the
service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the
large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible
when he asked.. "Which service, the 9:00 or the
11:00?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Odd Cure

The owner of a drugstore comes to work to find a man
leaning heavily against a wall. The owner goes inside
and asks his clerk what's up.

"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't
find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave
him a laxative and told him to take it all at once."

"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," said the
owner. "Sure it will," says the clerk, pointing to the
man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's afraid to
cough."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- (This one is familiar, but
I couldn't find it in the archive) -- Ducks

Three men die together in an accident and go to
heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one
rule here in heaven... don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks
all over the place. It is almost impossible not to
step on a duck, and although they try their best to
avoid them, the first man accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever
saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your
punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity
chained to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the second man steps accidentally on a
duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a
thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman.

He chains them together with the same admonishment as
for the first man.

The third man has observed all this and, not wanting
to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is
very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go
months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to him with the most beautiful woman he
has ever laid eyes on... very shapely, tanned,
beautiful face and gorgeous hair. St. Peter chains
them together without saying a word.

The man remarks, with a very happy smile, and a slight
tingle, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained
to you for all of eternity?"

The woman says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped
on a duck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: SOMETHING ABOUT ISRAEL

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was
about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah, but was sorely
lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To
remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience
his heritage.

A year later the young man returned home. "Father,
thank you for sending me to the land of our fathers,"
the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening;
however, I must confess that while in Israel I
converted to Christianity.

"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?" So,
in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his
best friend and sought his advice and solace.

"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his
friend. "I, too, sent my son to Israel and he returned
a Christian." So in the tradition of the patriarchs,
they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should
come to me," stated the Rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to
Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening
to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord."

They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour
out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed, the
clouds above opened and a mighty voice said, "Amazing
that you should come to me. I, too, sent my Son to
Israel...."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This could work!!









: USRSF - WORLD'S MOST FEARED FIGHTING FORCE!





USRSF

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of

a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the

United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) .





These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky,
Louisiana,

Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma,
Tennessee, Texas and West

Virginia boys will be dropped off into Iraq and
have been given only the

following facts about terrorists :



1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country
music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the deaths
of Elvis & Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be
over by next Friday .
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hUMOR For April

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian
said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this
turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my
guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must
return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what
should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to
keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his
residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that
someone had stolen his turkey.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1975 vs 2005
1975: Long hair
2005: Longing for hair
1975: KEG
2005: EKG
1975: Acid rock
2005: Acid reflux
1975: Moving to California because it's cool
2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1975: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2005: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1975: Seeds and stems
2005: Roughage
1975: Hoping for a BMW
2005: Hoping for a BM
1975: Going to a hip new joint
2005: Getting a new hip joint
1975: Rolling Stones
2005: Kidney stones
1975: Down with the system
2005: Upgrade the system
1975: Disco
2005: Costco
1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1975: Passing your driver's test
2005: Passing the vision test
1975: Whatever
2005: Depends
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Job Perks

A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The
Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life
insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.

She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five
year's salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they
paid the full premiums."

"I can't help but ask why you would leave a job with such benefits,"
the interviewer replied.

The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."

hUMOR For April 10th

"Parking Solution"
A pastor of a two-church parish had to drive every Sunday morning about 4 miles from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o'clock at the other. He would often find the parking lot of the second church full, and be forced to park down the road and race to the church on foot.
The problem was finally solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the church and posted a sign that read, "You Park - You Preach."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Darnell Madison, 37, was shot and killed in July in Homewood, Ala., when he burst into a motel room intending to rob the seven men whom he had seen with a wad of money. He was unaware they were armed police officers working on another case
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Apple sues Apple Corp.
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Apple Corporation Sues Itself.

[AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads, Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computers Corporation. The company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own machines which has helped to make the company famous.

An Apple Spokesperson stated "This is no joke. If we don't protect our copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves." The spokesperson says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple's in house lawyers will defend.

Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. "In the old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on reality."

The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college students and professionals.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Closing down Denny's
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Denny's resturants are also open 24 hours a day. When they decided to close last Christmas (first time ever), they realized that a lot of doors did not have locks, most of those that did have locks, no one knew where to find the keys!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
People with busy lives
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

St. Paul, Minnesota:

For people with lots on their agenda, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing Company creates 25-inch-by-30-inch Post-It Easel Pads.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New military tourism
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Moscow, Russia:

First it was a flight in a MiG fighter jet. Then 30 seconds of weightlessness in a cosmonaut-training device.

Soon thrill-seeking tourists may be able to ride in a Russian submarine, tank or missile ship.

Pressed for money and burdened with surplus weaponry since the end of the Cold War, Russia is pioneering a new fad: military tourism.

The only requirements are a taste for adventure and plenty of cash.

As the plane goes into a dive from 30,000 feet, passengers in its padded zero-gravity chamber suddenly rise from the aircraft's floor.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pathetic lawsuits
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

January 16, 1993

In 1989, a Union Bridge, Md., high school permitted a female student, Tawana Hammond, 17, to try out for its football team under the pressure of a federal statute that bars school discrimination on the basis of gender.

On her first scrimmage, Tawana, a running back, was tackled and suffered massive internal injuries.

In October 1992, she filed a $1.5 million lawsuit against the county board of education for its alleged failure to tell her how dangerous football is.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Home burglar survey
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

February 1, 1993

A survey of home burglars' work preferences published in Whittle Communications' Special Report magazine revealed that 32 percent like to browse through family photographs while on the job, 27 percent like to raid the refrigerator, and 7 percent watch TV.

Seventy percent of the 191 imprisoned burglars reported they like to limit their jobs to a 20-minute maximum, 17 percent wondered what their victims were like, and 59 percent said a dog in the home was the most effective burglary deterrent.

hUMOR For April 9th

Cat Petting

We moved into an apartment while we were looking for a place that
would let us keep our pets. We could not have our pets at our
apartment, so my brother-in-law kept our cat for us until we could
find a place that would let us keep him.

One day he came home after dark and saw the cat on the porch eating.
He reached down to pet him and while he was petting him he looked
over toward the fence where he saw MY cat sitting. Looking back
around to see what he was petting he realized that it was a raccoon
that had come up to eat the cat food. After that the cat was fed in the house.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Rest Home Trial"
Aunt Mary, a spinster of 92, had finally consented to go to a rest home, but strictly on a two-week-trial basis. Consequently, she took a small overnight case with only the bare essentials.
A couple of days later her niece was surprised to get a phone call from her demanding more clothes.
"Please bring me that good black silk, my lavender print, the brown wool..." and she went on and on. Finally after a brief questioning from her niece, Aunt Mary expostulated:
"There are MEN in this place!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast."

hUMOR For April 8th

First Prize

A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There
were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the
smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his
pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally the boy turned to the
dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog
sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!"
exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the
pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to
'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be
faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just
leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and
walked away satisfied.

The next day during the wedding ceremony, the time came for
the bride and groom to exchange their vows. The pastor
looked the young man in the eye and said, "Will you promise
to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and
wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life,
and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you
will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you
both shall live?"

The groom gulped, looked around, and said in a tiny voice,
"Yes." He then leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I
thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom's hand and
whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bull Healing"
A farmer asked his vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn't doing well at all. After checking the bull's vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill. He forced open the bull's mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.
Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping every fence in his way.
The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"
The farmer replied, "Now give me one of those pills. I've gotta catch him!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Richard"
Years ago there was a baker's assistant whose sole job was to pour the dough mixture for making sausage rolls (apparently the royal family loved sausage). Because people were identified by their professions, he was just called Richard the Pourer.
One day Richard ran out of some key ingredients, namely a secret spice he used in the batter. He called his apprentice and sent him to the store to buy more spices. When the apprentice arrived at the store, he found that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. Hoping that the storekeeper might be able to figure it out, he described it to him saying,
"It's for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Lonely Brain Cell

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............

.......


.......


.......


.......

.......

.......


.......


.......


............
"We're down here ..."

hUMOR For April 7th

Do You Have.....?

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the
manager and asks, "Do you have any small note-books?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.

"Nope. Don't have that."

"Wow!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should
close the stupid store!"

The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Cake Disaster"
Many years ago my just married young cousin moved into an upstairs apartment and invited some of her women friends over for the evening. She put out snacks and then came out with a cake that looked like a disaster.
She apologized and said she didn't know what happened to the cake because, she explained, "I even used the high altitude directions because I live upstairs."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Paid In Full"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A little boy came up to his mother in the kitchen one evening while she was fixing supper, and he handed her a piece of paper that he had been writing on. After his Mom dried her hands on an apron, she read it, and this is what it said:
For cutting the grass: $5.00
For cleaning up my room this week: $1.00 For going to the store for you: .50 Baby-sitting my kid brother while you went shopping: .25 Taking out the garbage: $1.00 For getting a good report card: $5.00 For cleaning up and raking the yard: $2.00 Total owed: $14.75
Well, his mother looked at him standing there, and the boy could see the memories flashing through her mind.
She picked up the pen, turned over the paper he'd written on, and this is what she wrote:
For the nine months I carried you while you were growing inside me: No Charge.
For all the nights that I've sat up with you, doctored and prayed for you: No Charge.
For all the trying times, and all the tears that you've caused through the years: No Charge.
For all the nights that were filled with dread, and for the worries I knew were ahead: No Charge.
For the toys, food, clothes, and even wiping your nose: No Charge.
Son, when you add it up, the cost of my love is: No Charge.
When the boy finished reading what his mother had written, there were big tears in his eyes, and he looked straight at his mother and said, "Mom, I sure do love you". And then he took the pen and in great big letters he wrote:
"PAID IN FULL"
~ Author Unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a

small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is that man... and why is he so upset?" a passenger
asks the ship's captain.

"I have no idea," says the captain; "but, every year when we
pass by here, he goes crazy."

hUMOR For April 6th

"Romantic Switch"
Although he had packed his bag for a business trip the night before, my husband planned to come home from the office before leaving. That afternoon he called to say the meeting had been canceled and on the spur of the moment we decided to spend a romantic, child-free night in a local hotel.
I quickly re-packed his suitcase, replacing his clothes with two wine glasses, candlesticks and candles and some bubble bath. Then I dashed out to buy a bottle of wine.
When I returned, the bag was gone. A note on the kitchen table read:"Sorry, Dear, the business trip's on after all. I'll call you when I get there."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Centipede: An ant built to government specifications."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Diamonds"
Bill: It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. Doug: So what did she ask for?
Bill: She said, "Oh, I don't know, just give me something with diamonds." And so that's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~ Diary of a Mad Shoveler or A Texan Moves to Wisconsin ~

December 8: 6:00 P.M. It started to snow The first snowfall
of the season. The wife and I took our cocktails and sat for
hours by the window watching the huge snowflakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic.
We felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We awoke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white
snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?
Moving here was the best idea I have ever had! Shoveled for
the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both
our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow
came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry. We will
definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would
be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter,
that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that is
possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! Eight degrees last night.
The temperature dropped to minus twenty. The cold makes
everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back in the afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize that I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in
shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so much.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a
4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra
snow shovels. Stocked the freezer too. The wife wants a wood
stove in case the electricity goes out. I think she is silly.
After all, we aren't in Alaska.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my rear on the
ice in the driveway while I was trying to put down salt. Hurt
like hell. The wife laughed for an hour. I think she's very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the
blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and
try not to irritate her. I guess I should have bought a wood stove,
but I won't admit that to her. God, I hate it when she is right.
Can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the
damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn
snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel,
but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they are
lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying
a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March.
I think they're lying. Bob says I will have to shovel or the city
will bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13
more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it
probably won't melt until August. Took me 45 minutes to get all
dressed to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time
I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.
I tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think he's lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And, it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.
What is she.....nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month
ago. She said she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by the snowplow, I broke
the shovel. I though I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch
the SOB who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow
by his family jewels. I know he hides around the corner and waits
for me to finish shoveling and than he comes down the street at a
100 miles and hour and throws snow all over where I have just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and
open our presents, but I was busy watching for the darn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the darned slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.
God, I hate the snow. Then, the snowplow driver came by and asked
for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to
watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here?
It was all her idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above-50. Still snowed in. The wife is
driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches of snow. Bob says I have to shovel the
roof or it will collapse. That's the silliest thing I have ever heard.
How dumb does he think I am?????

December 30: Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to
her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what was left of the house. No more
shoveling.

Author Unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Christain Bear


An atheist was taking a walk through the woods,
admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had
created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a
rustling in the bushes behind. As he turned to look,
he saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran
as fast as he could up the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear
was closing in on him. He tried to run even faster,
so scared that tears were coming to his eyes.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was
even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as
he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell
on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and
saw the bear right on top of him, raising his paw
to kill him. At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!"

Just then, time stopped. The bear froze, the forest
was silent, the river even stopped moving. A bright
light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of
the sky saying, "You deny my existence all of these
years, teach others I don't exist and even credit my
creation to a cosmic accident, and now do you expect
me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count
you as a believer?"

The atheist, ever so proud, looked into the light and
said, "It would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a
Christian after all these years, but could you make
the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the
forest continued and the bear put his paw down. The
bear then brought both paws together, bowed his
head and said, "Lord, I thank you for this food
which I am about to receive."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brain Fades 1


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long
time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend just stared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Fire Engine



A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a
little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides
and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog
and her cat.

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire
truck", the firefighter says with admiration.

"Thanks", the girl says.

The firefighter takes a closer look and notices the girl has tied her wagon to the
dog's collar and the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your
rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could
go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't
have a siren."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

hUMOR For April 5th

What The Teacher Really Means

What the teacher says and (what the teacher really means).

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information
from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact
with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating
that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment
she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to
explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very
expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress
would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and
must repeat the 8th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sibling Takings"
As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings.
"My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one. "My sister takes gymnastics," said another. Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"The object of war is not to die for your country. It is to make the other (guy) die for his." - General George S. Patton
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Thanksgiving"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
In a fancy restaurant in Columbia, a rich patron started to choke on a bone. A man rushed over, reassured the Yuppie that he was going to be all right and identified himself as a doctor. He performed the Heimlich Maneuver. The bone popped out.
As the man's breath & voice returned he said, "I'm ever so grateful doctor, how can I ever repay you?"
The doctor smiled and said, "I'll settle for one-tenth of what you were willing to pay while you were choking."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
First, a couple of lines to make this an official funny:

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like
chicken?

Welcome to the church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.

-=+=-

And now for the interesting part. On Wednesday, at two
minutes and three seconds after 1:00 am in the morning, the
time and date will be

01:02:03 04/05/06

Of course, this is for countries that put the month before
the day in their dates.

For those that format their dates as day/month/year, you
have to wait till May 4th.

This won't happen for another 100 years. Isn't that special!
:) Enjoy!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Does That Hurt?

We live in a small town where we have a volunteer Ambulance Company.
We are blessed with many dedicated and fully qualified attendants,
who staff our ambulances and give freely of themselves. I was
chatting with one of the EMS responders one day and she could hardly
stifle a chuckle, so I asked her what was so funny and she told me
this story...

It seems that she had gone to an automobile accident and was checking
a patient who was lying on the road for injuries. As she knelt beside
him and probed him, she asked, "Does this hurt or does that hurt?"
After each probe, he replied, "No." When she had nearly completed her
examination, she shifted to a better spot from which to finish the
examination when after one of her probing questions, he exclaimed
very loudly, "That hurts!"

When she asked where, he looked up at her with a look of real pain on
his face and said, "Your kneeling on my fingers!"

hUMOR For April 4th

MR. PRESIDENT, I'M HEADED TO MEXICO

David M. Bresnahan
April 1, 2006
NewsWithViews.com
Dear President Bush:
I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.
I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.
So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I Want Some Milk
Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order.

Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you like it pasteurized?"

Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Buying a New Farm
A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.

Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.

Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.

The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"

The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."

"Comfortable?" the guy questions.

"Yes, you see she reads slow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fallen bridge
A blond and her blond boyfriend went for a walk along the river.

The blond walked across alone on a wooden bridge. After crossing the river, the bridge fell down.

She called across to her blond boyfriend telling him that she couldn't get back.

He yelled in response, "Wait until dark, and I will shine my flash light across the river. Get on the light beam and walk back."

She replied, "No, I'll get half way across the river, and you will turn the light off on me!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you know where you were going?
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The blonde test taker
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you see the dead bird?
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park one morning.

Suddenly, the brunette notices a dead bird. "Awww, look at the dead birdie," she says sadly.

The blonde stops, looks up into the sky, and says, "Where? Where?"

hUMOR For April 3rd

"How Can A Student Pass?"
It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year ONLY has 365 days.
Typical academic year for a student:
1. Sundays - 52, Sundays in a year, you know Sundays are for rest.
Days left 313.
2. Summer holidays - 50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study.
Days left 263.
3. 8 hours daily sleep - 130 days GONE.
Days left 141.
4. 1 hour for daily playing - (good for health) means 15 days.
Days left 126.
5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chewing properly & swallowing) means 30days.
Days left 96.
6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social being) - means 15 days.
Days left 81.
7. Exam days - per year at least 35 days.
Days left 46.
8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays) - 40 days.
Balance 6 days.
9. For sickness- at least 3 days.
Remaining days=3.
10. Movies and functions - at least 2 days.
1 day left.
11. That 1 day is your birthday. How can you study on that day??????!!!!!!!!!!
Days left = 0
How can any student pass?

hUMOR For April 2nd

Internet Cleaning!
As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better working and faster Internet.
This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m.. GMT on April 1st until 12:01 a.m, GMT on April 2nd During that 24-hour period, five powerful Internet search engines situated around the world will search the Internet and delete any data that they find.
In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following:
1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet connections.
2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.
3. Disconnect all disks and hardrives from any connections to the Internet.
4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.
We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.
We thank you for your cooperation.
Interconnected Network Maintenance staff, Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and sunburn, you're still better off than the worm."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Legacy"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
"You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
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HUNTSVILLE, AL -- (Business Wire) -- April 1, 2006 --
Playboy magazine, an internationally recognized adult
entertainment magazine, has announced this morning that it
has reached a preliminary agreement to purchase GCFL, a
popular family-friendly entertainment web site and mailing
list, for nearly $1.1 million.

GCFL (the Good, Clean Funnies List) operates a web page and
mailing list that distributes good, clean jokes to their
members. It was started in 1996 by John Price and is one of
the most successful and longest lasting clean-only joke
sites on the Internet.

When asked what plans Playboy had for GCFL, Bob Wolf stated,
"Playboy is well know not only for the quality of the visual
material we provide, but also the outstanding reading
material. GCFL's jokes will add to that quality. Also, we
plan a huge marketing campaign using the substantial mailing
list that we will acquire from GCFL."

In an interview, Mr. Price said, "I know that some of the
members will think this is a bad idea. The staff and editors
just about had a fit! But they don't seem to see the bigger
picture here. One of GCFL's primary goals is to reach the
largest possible audience with our good, clean humor and Mr.
Wolf has assured me that Playboy will uphold our goals." Mr.
Price continued, "I hope that GCFL members will give the new
owners the generosity and support they always have in the
past."

Later, when asked if he had completely lost his mind, Mr.
Price stated, "OK, so maybe this is a bunch of bunk, but a
million dollars is a million dollars! Yes, I will probably
feel bad about this, but I hope the new house and yacht I
plan to buy will offset any guilt I have now."

Finally Mr. Price burst out laughing and exclaimed, "I can't
take it! I just can't. It's an April Fool's joke!"

hUMOR For April 1st

Were You Born In A Barn?

Our son was constantly wandering in and out of the house, leaving the
front or back door wide open.

"Once and for all, will you PLEASE close that door!" my exasperated
wife pleaded one day. "Were you born in a barn?"

"No, I was born in a hospital," he replied, smirking, "...with
automatic doors."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Wedding Album"
At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead...
As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Dogs lick you because they love you - cats lick you because you had chicken for dinner."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Contributions"
The newspaper where I worked had just announced that when its new building was completed, the old one would be donated to the United Way.
A few days later, someone came into our office soliciting contributions to that same organization.
"I'm sorry," one reporter quipped. "We gave the office."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm looking for a place to stay for the weekend because my
wife kicked me out. For some reason she's mad at me.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I
always had something else to take care of first: the truck,
the car, fishing, golfing, watching TV. You know, important
things.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went
into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I
handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the
grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

After that she just lost it and kicked me out! Can you
believe that?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On The Beach

Little Johnny was walking down the beach, and as he did so, he saw a
matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand.

He walked up to her and asked, "Do you go to church every week?"

"Yes." she replied.

"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes."

"Do you know the Ten Commandments?"

"Yes, I do." she answered, with a smile.

"Do you keep them all?" Johnny asked.

She nodded her head, "Yes, I do." she said.

With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my dollar while
I go swimming?"

hUMOR For March 31st

Rice Preference

The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a
protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As
he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So . . . how do you
like your rice? Boiled? Steamed? Or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied
clearly, "Thrown."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An atheist was quite incensed over the preparation for
Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the
local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by
the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews
with all their holidays while the atheists had no holidays
for them to celebrate.

The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the
cause of the downtrodden and assigned their sharpest
attorney to the case.

The case was brought up before a learned judge who, after
listening to the passionate presentation by the ACLU
representative, promptly banged his gavel and said, "Case
dismissed!"

The ACLU lawyer stood up and objected to the ruling and
said, "Your honor, how can you dismiss this case? Surely the
Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other
observances. And the Jews--why, in addition to Passover,
they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah ... and yet my client and
all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned back in his chair and simply said,
"Obviously your client is too confused to know about or for
that matter even celebrate the atheists' holiday!"

The ACLU lawyer pompously said, "We are aware of no such
holiday for atheists--just when might that be?"

The judge said "Well, it comes every year at the same
time--April 1st!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Computer Error"
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T
....IDIOT....
I used to like Harold.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them."
- Shawn Alexander
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"White Lies"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of the ladies who bake for church events...
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after running through cabinets, she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.
When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured..She said, "Oh dear, there is no time to bake another cake."
This cake was so important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church, and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom-- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9.30, and to buy the cake and bring it home.
When the Daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold..Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified, she was beside herself. Everyone would know, what would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend, and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa, but having already RSVP'd. She could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South...and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert. Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "what a beautiful cake!" Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself." Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T............

1 . Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle".

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down
continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The 'spot' on 7 UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He
was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will
kill a small sized dog.

12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's
stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

13. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear
pants.

15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.

16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in
the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the
'upper case' letters ! were stored in the case on top of the case that
stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

17. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at
the same time ... hence, multi-tasking was invented.)

18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II
were made of wood.

19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a
recorded Wendy before!

21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple,
and silver!

22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to
paint Mona Lisa's lips.

23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and
sting itself to death.

24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a
Captain Kirk's mask painted white.

25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being
able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in
quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law,which
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for
automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the
Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of
celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!

30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most
often stolen from Public Libraries.

33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space
because passing wind in a space suit damages it .

George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart . "Boy, I feel a lot
safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still
walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America
willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her fanny off
to jail."

hUMOR For March 30th

Waitress Date

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but
couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she
quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and
blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't
even make eye contact?"

"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Top 10 Signs that you company is planning to lay you off."
10. You frequently overhear the CEO mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny-Miney-You"
9. The guys from the mailroom see you, and their first response is "Oh, are you still here.".
8. The guy from HR keeps asking when can he show your cubicle.
7. Your coworkers keep dropping by and you catch them applying their name to your stapler.
6. The Director of HR starts an office betting pool of who will be laid off next and he chooses you.
5. Your boss has moved your desk to the inside of the men's bathroom, at the gas station down the street from the office.
4. All of the pictures on your desk have been replaced by people that you don't know.
3. The Director of HR borrows $300 dollars from you, promises to pay it back to you in one week and laughs while she is saying it.
2. They ask you to write a description of your job and send it to them in the form of a job classified ad.
1. Your boss calls a meeting and tells everyone to raise their hands if they will have a job tomorrow and he motions for you to keep your hand down.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Ask me about my vow of silence."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Tollboth"
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces. He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it.
Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new.
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was the white stuff you used to get all the pieces together?"
The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy
decided to play a prank. He went to the chicken coop and
replaced every single egg with a brightly colored one.

A few minutes later the rooster walked in, saw all the
colored eggs, then stormed outside and beat up the peacock!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Things you should never say to a pregnant woman:
"Honey, come on, you're blocking the big screen TV!"
"No, I don't mind. Helping you get up out of the chair is a bit habit forming."
"Sorry I can't give you a hug, my arms aren't that long."
"What do you mean, the seat belt won't fit?!"
"So the doctor said you're going to get, um, even bigger?"
"Why not wear one of my shirts? Oh, they don't fit either..."
"Bet you $20 I can outrun you across the back yard!"
"Come on, as soon as my team breaks this tied game, we'll leave for the hospital."
"Since your contractions are so far apart, how about cooking us some boiled cabbage and sauerkraut before we leave?"
"Maybe someday you'll return the favor and tie MY shoes."
"But why can't you trim your own toe nails?"
..and anything said while she is looking in the mirror just after taking a bath.

hUMOR FOR March 29th

Take this test to see just how Southern you are......Then put your percentage into the subject line and forward it to others. Just for fun send it back to the one that sent it to you.........


http://www.alphadictionary.com/articles/yankeetest.html
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shipwrecked

The shipwrecked mariner had spent a number of years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him. When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two bachelors were talking. One said to the other, "I got a
cookbook the other day, but I can't do any of the recipes."

"Why? Are they too difficult?" asked the second.

"No," the first replied. "It's just that they all start with
the same thing: 'Take a clean dish...'"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are You a Policeman?"
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." - Mario Andretti
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Innocent Dangers"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.
The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.
About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.
About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.
Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.
Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
She shot him.

hUMOR For March 28th

Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's
annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times do I
have I to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back
upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."

There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.

"That's better," said his father. "Now in the future you
will always come downstairs like that."

"OK," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Roughhousing"
A little boy was roughhousing with his dog. His mother said to him, "Now, Peter, I know you love Granger, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"
The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Doreen was here!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give
him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it.

She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he
probably wouldn't notice her.

Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as
well, so she agreed.

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another
neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little
friend noticed the sa! me lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you
noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?"

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."

The friend said, "Well, who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy."

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"

"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.
And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Know It's Time To Diet When...

- You dance and it makes the band skip.

- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and
the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you
peanuts.

- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on
other side."

- You run away, and your picture takes up all four
sides of the milk carton.

- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your
mouth.

- You could sell shade.

- Your blood type is Ragu.

- You need an appointment to attend an "open house."

hUMOR For March 27th

Sven bought a donkey from a Rochester, MN preacher. The preacher told Sven that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (logical, being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"
The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"
Sven was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.
"Hallelujah!" shouted Sven. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted Sven. The donkey stopped immediately.
"This is great!" said Sven. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.
Sven traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.
"Stop," said Sven. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.
"Oh, no..."
"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted Sven. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.
Finally, in desperation, Sven said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!" shouted Sven.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Women are... Women are like apples on trees. The
best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't
want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
sometimes take the apples from the ground that
aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top
think something is wrong with them, when in reality,
they're amazing. They just have to wait for the
right man to come along, the one who is brave enough
to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share
this with women who are good apples, even those who
have already been picked!


Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as
grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the daylights out
of them until they turn into something acceptable.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. <>
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Don't you just love little old ladies????
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"