Home Donations
A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young
minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations
for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."
"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys,
two girls, or one of each."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grasping Challenge"
When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. But anyway, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her.
Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, daddy?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "IRS"
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After her son fell into the pond yet again and came home
with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated
mother sent him to his room and washed and dried his
clothes.
A little later, she heard a commotion in the back yard and
called out, "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine
voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the
meter."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Baseball Doctor --
As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was
responsible for returning equipment to the proper
owners at the end of the season.
When I walked into the surgery department carrying a
bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed
several patients and their families in a waiting area.
I heard one man say to his wife, "Look, honey, here
comes your anesthesiologist."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend: E-Mail Spam
by: Author Unknown
I am spam.
Spam-I-am.
That Spam-I-am.
That Spam-I-am.
I do not like
That Spam-I-am.
Do you like
E-mail spam?
I do not like it,
Spam-I-am.
I do not like
your E-mail Spam.
Would you like it here
or there?
I would not like it.
here or there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
I do not like
your e-mail spam.
I do not like it
Spam-I-am.
Would you like it
if it's lewd?
Would you like it
in the nude?
I would not like it
if it's lewd.
I would not like it
in the nude.
I would not like it
here or there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
I do not like
your e-mail spam.
I do not like it
Spam-I-am.
Would you want it
at your ISP?
Would you want it
'cause it's free?
Not at my ISP.
Not even when it's free.
Not if it's lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it
here or there.
I would not like it
anywhere.
I do not like
your e-mail spam.
I do not like it.
Spam-I-am.
Would you? Could you?
>From afar?
Take them! Take them!
Here they are.
I would not,
could not,
from afar.
You will like them.
You wil see.
You will like them.
You'll buy from me!
I would not, could not buy from thee.
Not from afar! You let me be.
Not at my ISP.
Not even when it's free.
Not if its lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
I do not like it Spam-I-am.
A bunch! A bunch!
A bunch! A bunch!
Could you, would you,
love a bunch?
Not in a bunch! I'll not buy from thee!
Not from afar! Spam! Let me Be!
Not at my ISP.
Not even when it's free.
Not if its lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
I do not like it Spam-I-am.
Say!
On a lark?
Here on a lark!
Would you read it on a lark?
I would not read it
on a lark?
Would you, could you
think again?
I would not, could not, think again.
Not in a bunch! I'll not buy from thee!
Not from afar! Not at my ISP.
I do not like it, Spam, you see.
Not even when it's free.
Not if its lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
I do not like it Spam-I-am.
Would you, could you,
A pyramid scheme?
I would not, could not,
a pyramid scheme!
Would you, could you,
something really obscene?
I could not, would not, something really obscene.
Will not, will not, a pyramid scheme.
I will not read it on a lark.
I will not, will not think again.
Not in a bunch! I'll not buy from thee!
Not from afar! Not at my ISP.
Not even when it's free.
Not if its lewd.
Not in the nude.
I would not like it here or there.
I would not like it anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
I do not like it Spam-I-am.
You do not like it,
so you say.
Read it! Read it!
And you may.
Read it and you may, I say.
Spam!
If you will let me be,
I will try it,
You will see.
Say!
I do detest your e-mail spam!
I do! I hate it! Spam-I-am!
I really hate you, and your floozie!
I will hunt you with an Uzi!
I do not want that something really obscene!
I do not want your pyramid scheme!
They should take you to the deck!
And once there... should stretch your neck!
You are so evil, so evil, you see!
Get thee Satan away from me!
If I could find you and your ISP,
I would piddle in your shoes and on your knee!
I find you crude!
I find you rude!
I do not like you here or there.
I would not like you anywhere.
I do not like your e-mail spam.
Death to you
Death to you
Spam-I-am.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Friday, March 17, 2006
hUMOR For March 17th
"Deck Praise"
I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.
"Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."
Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"
She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?"
She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Some ministers would make good martyrs; they are so dry they would burn well."
- Charles Haddon Spurgeon
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Elluding God"
In 1981, a Minnesota radio station reported a story about a stolen car in California. Police were staging an intense search for the vehicle and the driver, even to the point of placing announcements on local radio stations to contact the thief. On the front seat of the stolen car sat a box of crackers that, unknown to the thief, were laced with poison. The car owner had intended to use the crackers as rat bait.
The police and the owner of the VW Bug were more interested in apprehending the thief to save his life than to recover the car. So often when we run from God, we feel it is to escape his punishment. But what we are actually doing is eluding his rescue.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I heard a story recently about a student named Donald
MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (in Scotland) who was
admitted into the prestigious Oxford University and was
living in the hall of residence in his first year there. His
clan was so excited that one of their own had made it into
the upper class of education, but they were concerned how he
would do in "that strange land." After the first month, his
mother came to visit.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she
asked.
"Mother," he replied in his thick brogue, "they're such
terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging
his head against the wall, and he won't stop. The one on the
other side screams and screams and screams away into the
night."
"Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with those awful
noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here
quietly, playing my bagpipes..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From WS: An Old Favorite -- The Death Of Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,
Mr. Common Sense. Sense had been with us for many
years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such
valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the
rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life
isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn)and reliable parenting
strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well
intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in
place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual
harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a
teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only
worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were
required to get parental consent to administer aspirin
to a student; but could not inform the parents when a
Student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten
Commandments became contraband; churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment
than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman
failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was
hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a
huge financial settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents,
Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter,
Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima
Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized
he was gone.
--author unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS for this favorite: The One Dollar Bill
Take out a one dollar bill, and look at it. The one
dollar bill you're looking at first came off the
presses in 1957 in its present design. This so-called
paper money is in fact a cotton and linen blend, with
red and blue minute silk fibers running through it. It
is actually material. We've all washed it without it
falling apart. A special blend of ink is used, the
contents we will never know. It is overprinted with
symbols and then it is starched to make it water
resistant and pressed to give it that nice crisp look.
If you look on the front of the bill, you will see the
United States Treasury Seal. On the top you will see
the scales for a balanced budget. In the center you
have a carpenter's square, a tool used for an even
cut. Underneath is the Key to the United States
Treasury. That's all pretty easy to figure out, but
what is on the back of that dollar bill is something
we should all know.
If you turn the bill over, you will see two circles.
Both circles, together, comprise the Great Seal of the
United States. The First Continental Congress
requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men
come up with a Seal. It took them four years to
accomplish this task and another two years to get it
approved.
If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a
Pyramid. Notice the face is lighted, and the western
side is dark. This country was just beginning. We had
not begun to explore the West or decided what we could
do for Western Civilization. The Pyramid is un-capped,
again signifying that we were not even close to being
finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing
eye, an ancient symbol for divinity. It was Franklin's
belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group
of men, with the help of God, could do anything.
"IN GOD WE TRUST" is on this currency. The Latin above
the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, "God has favored
our undertaking."The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS
ORDO SECLORUM, means, "a new order has begun." At the
base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776. If
you look at the right-hand circle, and check it
carefully, you will learn that it is on every National
Cemetery in the United States. It is also on the
Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida
National Cemetery, and is the centerpiece of most
hero's monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of
the President of the United States, and it is always
visible whenever he speaks, yet very few people know
what the symbols mean.
The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory
for two reasons: First, he is not afraid of a storm;
he is strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it.
Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just
broken from the King of England. Also, notice the
shield is unsupported. This country can now stand on
its own. At the top of that shield you have a white
bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were
coming together as one nation. In the Eagle's beak you
will read, "E PLURIBUS UNUM", meaning, "one nation
from many people".
Above the Eagle, you have thirteen stars, representing
the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of
misunderstanding rolling away. Again, we were coming
together as one. Notice what the Eagle holds in his
talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This
country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to
fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to
face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze
turns toward the arrows.
They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This
is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never
see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a
13th floor. But think about this: 13 original
colonies, 13 signers of the Declaration of
Independence, 13 stripes on our flag, 13 steps on the
Pyramid, 13 letters in the Latin above, 13 letters in
"E Pluribus Unum", 13 stars above the Eagle, 13 bars
on that shield, 13 leaves on the olive branch, 13
fruits, and if you look closely, 13 arrows. And, for
minorities: the 13th Amendment.
I always ask people, "Why don't you know this?" Your
children don't know this, and their history teachers
don't know this. Too many veterans have given up too
much to ever let the meaning fade. Many veterans
remember coming home to an America that didn't care.
Too many veterans never came home at all.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Theme Songs for Bible Characters
Noah...Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head
Adam and Eve.....Strangers In Paradise
Lazarus........The Second Time Around
Esther........I Feel Pretty
Job........I've Got A Right To Sing The Blues
Moses........The Wanderer
Jezebel........The Lady Is A Tramp
Samson........Hair
Salome........I Could Have Danced All Night
Daniel........The Lion Sleeps Tonight
Joshua........Good Vibrations
Peter........I'm Sorry
Esau.........Born To Be Wild
Jeremiah........Take This Job And Shove It
Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego........Great Balls Of Fire
The Three Kings........When You Wish Upon A Star
Jonah..........Got A Whale Of A Tale!
Elijah........Up, Up And Away
Methuselah........Stayin' Alive!
Nebuchadnezzar........Crazy
I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.
"Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."
Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"
She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?"
She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Some ministers would make good martyrs; they are so dry they would burn well."
- Charles Haddon Spurgeon
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Elluding God"
In 1981, a Minnesota radio station reported a story about a stolen car in California. Police were staging an intense search for the vehicle and the driver, even to the point of placing announcements on local radio stations to contact the thief. On the front seat of the stolen car sat a box of crackers that, unknown to the thief, were laced with poison. The car owner had intended to use the crackers as rat bait.
The police and the owner of the VW Bug were more interested in apprehending the thief to save his life than to recover the car. So often when we run from God, we feel it is to escape his punishment. But what we are actually doing is eluding his rescue.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I heard a story recently about a student named Donald
MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (in Scotland) who was
admitted into the prestigious Oxford University and was
living in the hall of residence in his first year there. His
clan was so excited that one of their own had made it into
the upper class of education, but they were concerned how he
would do in "that strange land." After the first month, his
mother came to visit.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she
asked.
"Mother," he replied in his thick brogue, "they're such
terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging
his head against the wall, and he won't stop. The one on the
other side screams and screams and screams away into the
night."
"Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with those awful
noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here
quietly, playing my bagpipes..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From WS: An Old Favorite -- The Death Of Common Sense
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,
Mr. Common Sense. Sense had been with us for many
years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red
tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such
valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the
rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life
isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn)and reliable parenting
strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well
intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in
place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual
harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended
from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a
teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only
worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were
required to get parental consent to administer aspirin
to a student; but could not inform the parents when a
Student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten
Commandments became contraband; churches became
businesses; and criminals received better treatment
than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman
failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was
hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a
huge financial settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents,
Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter,
Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima
Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized
he was gone.
--author unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS for this favorite: The One Dollar Bill
Take out a one dollar bill, and look at it. The one
dollar bill you're looking at first came off the
presses in 1957 in its present design. This so-called
paper money is in fact a cotton and linen blend, with
red and blue minute silk fibers running through it. It
is actually material. We've all washed it without it
falling apart. A special blend of ink is used, the
contents we will never know. It is overprinted with
symbols and then it is starched to make it water
resistant and pressed to give it that nice crisp look.
If you look on the front of the bill, you will see the
United States Treasury Seal. On the top you will see
the scales for a balanced budget. In the center you
have a carpenter's square, a tool used for an even
cut. Underneath is the Key to the United States
Treasury. That's all pretty easy to figure out, but
what is on the back of that dollar bill is something
we should all know.
If you turn the bill over, you will see two circles.
Both circles, together, comprise the Great Seal of the
United States. The First Continental Congress
requested that Benjamin Franklin and a group of men
come up with a Seal. It took them four years to
accomplish this task and another two years to get it
approved.
If you look at the left-hand circle, you will see a
Pyramid. Notice the face is lighted, and the western
side is dark. This country was just beginning. We had
not begun to explore the West or decided what we could
do for Western Civilization. The Pyramid is un-capped,
again signifying that we were not even close to being
finished. Inside the capstone you have the all-seeing
eye, an ancient symbol for divinity. It was Franklin's
belief that one man couldn't do it alone, but a group
of men, with the help of God, could do anything.
"IN GOD WE TRUST" is on this currency. The Latin above
the pyramid, ANNUIT COEPTIS, means, "God has favored
our undertaking."The Latin below the pyramid, NOVUS
ORDO SECLORUM, means, "a new order has begun." At the
base of the pyramid is the Roman Numeral for 1776. If
you look at the right-hand circle, and check it
carefully, you will learn that it is on every National
Cemetery in the United States. It is also on the
Parade of Flags Walkway at the Bushnell, Florida
National Cemetery, and is the centerpiece of most
hero's monuments. Slightly modified, it is the seal of
the President of the United States, and it is always
visible whenever he speaks, yet very few people know
what the symbols mean.
The Bald Eagle was selected as a symbol for victory
for two reasons: First, he is not afraid of a storm;
he is strong, and he is smart enough to soar above it.
Secondly, he wears no material crown. We had just
broken from the King of England. Also, notice the
shield is unsupported. This country can now stand on
its own. At the top of that shield you have a white
bar signifying congress, a unifying factor. We were
coming together as one nation. In the Eagle's beak you
will read, "E PLURIBUS UNUM", meaning, "one nation
from many people".
Above the Eagle, you have thirteen stars, representing
the thirteen original colonies, and any clouds of
misunderstanding rolling away. Again, we were coming
together as one. Notice what the Eagle holds in his
talons. He holds an olive branch and arrows. This
country wants peace, but we will never be afraid to
fight to preserve peace. The Eagle always wants to
face the olive branch, but in time of war, his gaze
turns toward the arrows.
They say that the number 13 is an unlucky number. This
is almost a worldwide belief. You will usually never
see a room numbered 13, or any hotels or motels with a
13th floor. But think about this: 13 original
colonies, 13 signers of the Declaration of
Independence, 13 stripes on our flag, 13 steps on the
Pyramid, 13 letters in the Latin above, 13 letters in
"E Pluribus Unum", 13 stars above the Eagle, 13 bars
on that shield, 13 leaves on the olive branch, 13
fruits, and if you look closely, 13 arrows. And, for
minorities: the 13th Amendment.
I always ask people, "Why don't you know this?" Your
children don't know this, and their history teachers
don't know this. Too many veterans have given up too
much to ever let the meaning fade. Many veterans
remember coming home to an America that didn't care.
Too many veterans never came home at all.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Theme Songs for Bible Characters
Noah...Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head
Adam and Eve.....Strangers In Paradise
Lazarus........The Second Time Around
Esther........I Feel Pretty
Job........I've Got A Right To Sing The Blues
Moses........The Wanderer
Jezebel........The Lady Is A Tramp
Samson........Hair
Salome........I Could Have Danced All Night
Daniel........The Lion Sleeps Tonight
Joshua........Good Vibrations
Peter........I'm Sorry
Esau.........Born To Be Wild
Jeremiah........Take This Job And Shove It
Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego........Great Balls Of Fire
The Three Kings........When You Wish Upon A Star
Jonah..........Got A Whale Of A Tale!
Elijah........Up, Up And Away
Methuselah........Stayin' Alive!
Nebuchadnezzar........Crazy
Thursday, March 16, 2006
hUMOR For March 16th
Wedding Ceremony
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a
brief ceremony in front of the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were
to be married.
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six
single men stepped to the front.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Egg Timing"
A friend of mine,a new bride, was on her honeymoon and spent one night at her spouse's relatives. She got up early, went down to the kitchen and started to get breakfast together. When the lady of the house came down my friend told her that she had started the soft boiled eggs for her but "how do you tell from the egg timer when they are done?"
She had put the egg timer into the water with the boiling eggs.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now - you call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Golf Gun"
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"The Human Brain" by Sara Bellum
“My Brother Vernie Doesn’t Have One” by Doctor Dan
"Please Don't Hurt Me" by I. Bruce Easily
"Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic
"Thirty Yards to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makeit
(illustrated by Betty Wont)
"The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns
"How to Cure Scratching" by Ivan Awfulich
"Discount Alternatives" by Robin Stuff
"How to Save Time" by Terry A. While
Received from Cybersalt Digest.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: The New School Prayer
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: The Bathtub
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director what the criterion was which defined
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then
we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would use the bucket because it's bigger than the
spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull
the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Silent Advice"
An elderly couple were attending church when about halfway through the service she leaned over and said to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What should I do?"
Her husband leaned over to her and replied, "When we get home put a new battery in your hearing aid."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Labor Pains
When I was a mother's helper, the mom of the family I worked for sat
with her three oldest children and watched a PBS special showing the
birth of a baby. The mom thought it would be a good starting point
for answering questions about the facts of life.
As her five-year-old studied the baby coming out of the birth canal,
he asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"
"Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.
"Wow," he continued in awe, "does it hurt the mother too?"
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction, he had planned to call the couple down for a
brief ceremony in front of the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were
to be married.
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six
single men stepped to the front.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Egg Timing"
A friend of mine,a new bride, was on her honeymoon and spent one night at her spouse's relatives. She got up early, went down to the kitchen and started to get breakfast together. When the lady of the house came down my friend told her that she had started the soft boiled eggs for her but "how do you tell from the egg timer when they are done?"
She had put the egg timer into the water with the boiling eggs.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"They have Dial-a-Prayer for atheists now - you call up and it rings and rings but nobody answers."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Golf Gun"
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"The Human Brain" by Sara Bellum
“My Brother Vernie Doesn’t Have One” by Doctor Dan
"Please Don't Hurt Me" by I. Bruce Easily
"Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk" by Al Coholic
"Thirty Yards to the Outhouse" by Will E. Makeit
(illustrated by Betty Wont)
"The Proper Use of Sunscreens" by Justin Casey Burns
"How to Cure Scratching" by Ivan Awfulich
"Discount Alternatives" by Robin Stuff
"How to Save Time" by Terry A. While
Received from Cybersalt Digest.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: The New School Prayer
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: The Bathtub
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from
time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director what the criterion was which defined
whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then
we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the
patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would use the bucket because it's bigger than the
spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull
the plug."
Do you want a room with or without a view?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Silent Advice"
An elderly couple were attending church when about halfway through the service she leaned over and said to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What should I do?"
Her husband leaned over to her and replied, "When we get home put a new battery in your hearing aid."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Labor Pains
When I was a mother's helper, the mom of the family I worked for sat
with her three oldest children and watched a PBS special showing the
birth of a baby. The mom thought it would be a good starting point
for answering questions about the facts of life.
As her five-year-old studied the baby coming out of the birth canal,
he asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"
"Oh, yes, it does," she said, remembering her difficult deliveries.
"Wow," he continued in awe, "does it hurt the mother too?"
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
hUMOR For March 15th
"Shower Music"
"Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door."
- Jerry Seinfeld
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." - Mark Twain
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"An Honest Day's Work"
Today's Illustration "An honest Day's Work" was one I read on www.sermoncentral.com
The USS Astoria (C-34) was the first U.S. cruiser to engage the Japanese during the Battle of Savo Island, a night action fought 8-9 August 1942. Although she scored two hits on the Imperial flagship Chokai, the Astoria was badly damaged and sank shortly after noon, 9 August.
About 0200 hours a young midwesterner, Signalman 3rd Class Elgin Staples, was swept overboard by the blast when the Astoria's number one eight-inch gun turret exploded. Wounded in both legs by shrapnel and in semi-shock, he was kept afloat by a narrow life belt that he managed to activate with a simple trigger mechanism.
At around 0600 hours, Staples was rescued by a passing destroyer and returned to the Astoria, whose captain was attempting to save the cruiser by beaching her. The effort failed, and Staples, still wearing the same life belt, found himself back in the water. It was lunchtime. Picked up again, this time by the USS President Jackson (AP-37), he was one of 500 survivors of the battle who were evacuated to Noumea.
On board the transport Staples, for the first time, closely examined the life belt that had served him so well. It had been manufactured by Firestone Tire and Rubber Company of Akron, Ohio, and bore a registration number.
Given home leave Staples told his story and asked his mother, who worked for Firestone, about the purpose of the number on the belt. She replied that the company insisted on personal responsibility for the war effort, and that the number was unique and assigned to only one inspector. Staples remembered everything about the lifebelt, and quoted the number. It was his mother's personal code and affixed to every item she was responsible for approving.
SOURCE: Commander Eric J. Berryman, U.S. Naval Reserve, Proceedings, U.S. Naval Institute, vol. 15/6/1036 (June 1989), P. 48.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was
responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at
the end of the season.
When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat
that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several
patients and their families in a waiting area.
I heard one man say to his wife, "Look, honey, here comes
your anesthesiologist."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: World's Thinnest Books
FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy
Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore
MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno & Whoopi Goldberg
ALL THE WOMEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Barney Frank
(D-Mass) & Boy George
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER
KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill CLinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
& Willie Nelson
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates & The 'Donald'
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J.
Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes &
Rosie O'Donnel
THE GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by PETA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES by Ted Kennedy
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
"Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door."
- Jerry Seinfeld
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." - Mark Twain
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"An Honest Day's Work"
Today's Illustration "An honest Day's Work" was one I read on www.sermoncentral.com
The USS Astoria (C-34) was the first U.S. cruiser to engage the Japanese during the Battle of Savo Island, a night action fought 8-9 August 1942. Although she scored two hits on the Imperial flagship Chokai, the Astoria was badly damaged and sank shortly after noon, 9 August.
About 0200 hours a young midwesterner, Signalman 3rd Class Elgin Staples, was swept overboard by the blast when the Astoria's number one eight-inch gun turret exploded. Wounded in both legs by shrapnel and in semi-shock, he was kept afloat by a narrow life belt that he managed to activate with a simple trigger mechanism.
At around 0600 hours, Staples was rescued by a passing destroyer and returned to the Astoria, whose captain was attempting to save the cruiser by beaching her. The effort failed, and Staples, still wearing the same life belt, found himself back in the water. It was lunchtime. Picked up again, this time by the USS President Jackson (AP-37), he was one of 500 survivors of the battle who were evacuated to Noumea.
On board the transport Staples, for the first time, closely examined the life belt that had served him so well. It had been manufactured by Firestone Tire and Rubber Company of Akron, Ohio, and bore a registration number.
Given home leave Staples told his story and asked his mother, who worked for Firestone, about the purpose of the number on the belt. She replied that the company insisted on personal responsibility for the war effort, and that the number was unique and assigned to only one inspector. Staples remembered everything about the lifebelt, and quoted the number. It was his mother's personal code and affixed to every item she was responsible for approving.
SOURCE: Commander Eric J. Berryman, U.S. Naval Reserve, Proceedings, U.S. Naval Institute, vol. 15/6/1036 (June 1989), P. 48.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was
responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at
the end of the season.
When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat
that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several
patients and their families in a waiting area.
I heard one man say to his wife, "Look, honey, here comes
your anesthesiologist."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: World's Thinnest Books
FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy
Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore
MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno & Whoopi Goldberg
ALL THE WOMEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Barney Frank
(D-Mass) & Boy George
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER
KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill CLinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden
& Willie Nelson
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates & The 'Donald'
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J.
Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes &
Rosie O'Donnel
THE GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by PETA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O.J. Simpson
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES by Ted Kennedy
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
hUMOR For March 14th
Thanks to Marti -- Before I was a Mom...
I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about
how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my
teeth everyday.
Before I was a Mom...
I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a
lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were
poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom...
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on. Spit on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom...
I never held down a screaming child so that doctors
could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby
sleep.
Before I was a Mom...
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't
want to put it down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when
I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my
life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom...
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside
my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a
hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her
child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me
feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom...
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every
10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never
known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache,
the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I
didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I
was a Mom.
And before I was a Grandma...
I didn't know that all those "Mom" feelings more than
doubled!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out
loud. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a
Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been left
intact.) Most of them are funny, but some are just
sad.
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT
TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK
AND I HAD HER SHOT
3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON
JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.
4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS
ADMINISTRATING.
5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS.
YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS
HIP.
6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH
TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING
FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE
HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN
HIS SIDE.
10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY
LOOSE VOWELS.
11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE:
[WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT. (Love it! )
12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS
BUST.
14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS
FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!
}
15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE
WEAR.
16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL
YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE
PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT
WAS SUNDAY.
17-- SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE
HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.
18-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS
TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I
absolutely LOVE that one!}
19-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
20-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
21-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A
GANGOVER.
22-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND
UNDER THE DOCTOR.
23-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE
HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH.
HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER
BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I
WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE
MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT
HOT LAST NIGHT.
NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER
EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nervous Witness
An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer
thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you
ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
To which the witness replied meekly, "My sister did."
I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about
how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my
teeth everyday.
Before I was a Mom...
I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a
lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were
poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom...
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on. Spit on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom...
I never held down a screaming child so that doctors
could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby
sleep.
Before I was a Mom...
I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't
want to put it down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when
I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my
life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom...
I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside
my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a
hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her
child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me
feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom...
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every
10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never
known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache,
the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I
didn't know I was capable of feeling so much before I
was a Mom.
And before I was a Grandma...
I didn't know that all those "Mom" feelings more than
doubled!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out
loud. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a
Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been left
intact.) Most of them are funny, but some are just
sad.
1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT
TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK
AND I HAD HER SHOT
3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON
JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.
4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS
ADMINISTRATING.
5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS.
YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS
HIP.
6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH
TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING
FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.
8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE
HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.
9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN
HIS SIDE.
10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY
LOOSE VOWELS.
11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE:
[WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT. (Love it! )
12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.
13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS
BUST.
14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS
FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!
}
15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO
CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE
WEAR.
16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL
YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE
PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT
WAS SUNDAY.
17-- SALLY WON'T BE IN SCHOOL A WEEK FROM FRIDAY. WE
HAVE TO ATTEND HER FUNERAL.
18-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS
TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I
absolutely LOVE that one!}
19-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.
20-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY.
SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS.
21-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A
GANGOVER.
22-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND
UNDER THE DOCTOR.
23-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE
HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH.
HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER
BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I
WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE
MUST BE SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT
HOT LAST NIGHT.
NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER
EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nervous Witness
An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer
thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you
ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
To which the witness replied meekly, "My sister did."
Monday, March 13, 2006
hUMOR For March 13th
Nose Picking Glossary
* THE KIDDIE PICK: When your by yourself and uninhibently twist your
forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the
best part is there is no limit.
* CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK: When in the presence of other people, you
wrap forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the
smile.
* FAKE NOSE SCRATCH: When you make believe you've got an itch but your
really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
* MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT: You do it so furiously, and for so long your
probably entitled to dessert.
* SURPRISE PICKINGS: When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling
out of your nose and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
* AUTOPICK: The kind you do in a car when no ones looking.
* PICK YOUR BRAINS: Done in private this is the one where your finger
goes in so far it passes the septum.
* PICK AND SAVE: When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone
looks away, and than you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what
you did.
* PICK AND ROLL: No explanation needed.
* PICK AND FLICK: Ditto.
* PICK AND STICK: You wanted it to be a "PICK AND FLICK" but it
stubornly clings to your fingertip.
* PAYDIRT: The kind when you remove a piece of snot so big it improves
your breathing by 90%.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I.R.S.
Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was
being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return.
He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner
said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps
out, the place is only closed three days a year. And
you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent
said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed ten
trips to Israel for you and your wife."
"Oh, that?" the owner said looking guilty. " Er
Well... we also deliver."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For The Kids...
On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
The outside.
How do you know when there is an elephant under your
bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.
Why didn't the piglets listen to their father?
Because he was a boar (Brandy, 11)
Why was the doctor always angry?
Because he had no patients (Lan, 9)
What did the hotshot salesman want when he joined the
Army?
His commission
If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it
will become?
Wet
When baseball umpires aren't happy with their pay,
they call more strikes.
If you don't fix the plumbing for your shower properly
you could be in a lot of hot water.
A sailor who met a widow was soon second mate.
Doctors feel fine on ships because they are accustomed
to see sickness.
"Could I try on that dress in the window?" "I'd prefer
that you use the dressing room."
Cereal killer caught while cashing victim's Chex.
The teacher wrote "Like I ain't had no fun in months"
on the board and then she said, "Timmy, how should I
correct that ?" Timmy replied, "Maybe get a new
boyfriend?"
A husband asked his wife if she had seen this
morning's paper. She says, "Yes, I wrapped the garbage
in it -- just the classified section, though." He
said, "But... I haven't seen it yet!" She replies,
"Oh, you didn't miss much. Just some coffee grounds
and a few orange peels."
At night court, a man was brought in and set before
the judge. The judge said, "State your name,
occupation, and the charge." The defendant said, "I'm
Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery." The
judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry
cell!"
A Indian goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having
these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a
teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then
I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with
me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two
tents."
Any yard work, to me, is not play.
To my wife words of praise I did say:
"When you're out cutting grass,
You're my favorite lass,
And I lawn for you mower each day."
(Kirk Miller)
Old burglars never die they just steal away.
Headline: Police begin campaign to run down
jaywalkers.
Psychiatrist's Nurse, "There's a man in the waiting
room who claims to be invisible." Doctor, "Tell him
I can't see him right now."
"I've just killed Dracula," said Tom Swift
painstakingly.
"Help!" the man on the phone screamed at the plumber,
"I gotta leak in my toilet!" "Why tell me?" said the
plumber. "What do you think it's there for?"
Q. How's your job at the swivel chair company?
A. It makes my head spin
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machine enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
***********************************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of c ash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
* THE KIDDIE PICK: When your by yourself and uninhibently twist your
forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the
best part is there is no limit.
* CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK: When in the presence of other people, you
wrap forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the
smile.
* FAKE NOSE SCRATCH: When you make believe you've got an itch but your
really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
* MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT: You do it so furiously, and for so long your
probably entitled to dessert.
* SURPRISE PICKINGS: When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling
out of your nose and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
* AUTOPICK: The kind you do in a car when no ones looking.
* PICK YOUR BRAINS: Done in private this is the one where your finger
goes in so far it passes the septum.
* PICK AND SAVE: When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone
looks away, and than you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what
you did.
* PICK AND ROLL: No explanation needed.
* PICK AND FLICK: Ditto.
* PICK AND STICK: You wanted it to be a "PICK AND FLICK" but it
stubornly clings to your fingertip.
* PAYDIRT: The kind when you remove a piece of snot so big it improves
your breathing by 90%.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I.R.S.
Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was
being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return.
He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner
said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps
out, the place is only closed three days a year. And
you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent
said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed ten
trips to Israel for you and your wife."
"Oh, that?" the owner said looking guilty. " Er
Well... we also deliver."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For The Kids...
On which side does a chicken have the most feathers?
The outside.
How do you know when there is an elephant under your
bed?
Your nose touches the ceiling.
Why didn't the piglets listen to their father?
Because he was a boar (Brandy, 11)
Why was the doctor always angry?
Because he had no patients (Lan, 9)
What did the hotshot salesman want when he joined the
Army?
His commission
If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it
will become?
Wet
When baseball umpires aren't happy with their pay,
they call more strikes.
If you don't fix the plumbing for your shower properly
you could be in a lot of hot water.
A sailor who met a widow was soon second mate.
Doctors feel fine on ships because they are accustomed
to see sickness.
"Could I try on that dress in the window?" "I'd prefer
that you use the dressing room."
Cereal killer caught while cashing victim's Chex.
The teacher wrote "Like I ain't had no fun in months"
on the board and then she said, "Timmy, how should I
correct that ?" Timmy replied, "Maybe get a new
boyfriend?"
A husband asked his wife if she had seen this
morning's paper. She says, "Yes, I wrapped the garbage
in it -- just the classified section, though." He
said, "But... I haven't seen it yet!" She replies,
"Oh, you didn't miss much. Just some coffee grounds
and a few orange peels."
At night court, a man was brought in and set before
the judge. The judge said, "State your name,
occupation, and the charge." The defendant said, "I'm
Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery." The
judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry
cell!"
A Indian goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having
these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a
teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then
I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with
me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two
tents."
Any yard work, to me, is not play.
To my wife words of praise I did say:
"When you're out cutting grass,
You're my favorite lass,
And I lawn for you mower each day."
(Kirk Miller)
Old burglars never die they just steal away.
Headline: Police begin campaign to run down
jaywalkers.
Psychiatrist's Nurse, "There's a man in the waiting
room who claims to be invisible." Doctor, "Tell him
I can't see him right now."
"I've just killed Dracula," said Tom Swift
painstakingly.
"Help!" the man on the phone screamed at the plumber,
"I gotta leak in my toilet!" "Why tell me?" said the
plumber. "What do you think it's there for?"
Q. How's your job at the swivel chair company?
A. It makes my head spin
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machine enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts."
"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
***********************************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of c ash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
hUMOR For March 12th
Hashing It Out
I was working as a short-order cook at two restaurants in the same
neighborhood. On a Saturday night, I was finishing up the dinner
shift at one restaurant and hurrying to report to work at the second
place, but I was delayed because one table kept sending back an order
of hash browns, insisting they were cold. I replaced them several
times, but still the customers were dissatisfied.
When I was able to leave, I raced out the door and arrived at my
second job. A server immediately handed me my first order.
"Make sure these hash browns are hot," she said, "because these
people just left a restaurant down the street that kept serving them
cold ones."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Terrorist Warning "
We've been notified by Building Security that there have been 4 suspected terrorists working at our office. Three of the four have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.
Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office.
Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Few Laughs About Texas
A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Do you ever get tornadoes out
here?" The cowboy replied, "Yeah, we had one a while back, but it ran
into a sandstorm outside of town and got ripped to pieces."
A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Doesn't it ever rain out here?"
The cowboy replied, "Sure. There was a half-inch of rain a couple of
weeks ago just a few miles north of here, but I was too busy and
couldn't go."
The wind blows so hard out in West Texas that at a drive-in theater it
once blew Gene Autry right out of the saddle."
A little brown hen once got caught in a West Texas sandstorm. She was
flying through the air backward so fast that she laid the same egg
three times.
It was so windy that prairie dogs were digging holes 40 feet in the air.
It was so dry that the Baptists were sprinkling, the Methodists were
spitting, and the Catholics were giving rain checks.
It was so hot that I saw a roadrunner pull a worm out of the ground
using pot holders.
It was so cold that a farmer threw a dipperful of water and it froze
in midair and knocked a pup unconscious.
A visitor to Amarillo asked a local rancher, "How do you stand the
wind blowing every single day?" The rancher said, "You just have to
get used to it - learn to lean into it. In fact, one day last fall the
wind stopped blowing all of a sudden, and all the chickens in the
panhandle plumb fell over."
During a period of heavy sandstorms, a rancher visited his banker and
applied for a loan. The banker warned him, "I'll have to come out and
inspect the property first." The rancher replied, "That won't be
necessary. Here it comes now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Psych:
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a
drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world.
He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave
him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an
attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat
around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle.
Iworked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I
finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
I was working as a short-order cook at two restaurants in the same
neighborhood. On a Saturday night, I was finishing up the dinner
shift at one restaurant and hurrying to report to work at the second
place, but I was delayed because one table kept sending back an order
of hash browns, insisting they were cold. I replaced them several
times, but still the customers were dissatisfied.
When I was able to leave, I raced out the door and arrived at my
second job. A server immediately handed me my first order.
"Make sure these hash browns are hot," she said, "because these
people just left a restaurant down the street that kept serving them
cold ones."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Terrorist Warning "
We've been notified by Building Security that there have been 4 suspected terrorists working at our office. Three of the four have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.
Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in the office.
Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Few Laughs About Texas
A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Do you ever get tornadoes out
here?" The cowboy replied, "Yeah, we had one a while back, but it ran
into a sandstorm outside of town and got ripped to pieces."
A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Doesn't it ever rain out here?"
The cowboy replied, "Sure. There was a half-inch of rain a couple of
weeks ago just a few miles north of here, but I was too busy and
couldn't go."
The wind blows so hard out in West Texas that at a drive-in theater it
once blew Gene Autry right out of the saddle."
A little brown hen once got caught in a West Texas sandstorm. She was
flying through the air backward so fast that she laid the same egg
three times.
It was so windy that prairie dogs were digging holes 40 feet in the air.
It was so dry that the Baptists were sprinkling, the Methodists were
spitting, and the Catholics were giving rain checks.
It was so hot that I saw a roadrunner pull a worm out of the ground
using pot holders.
It was so cold that a farmer threw a dipperful of water and it froze
in midair and knocked a pup unconscious.
A visitor to Amarillo asked a local rancher, "How do you stand the
wind blowing every single day?" The rancher said, "You just have to
get used to it - learn to lean into it. In fact, one day last fall the
wind stopped blowing all of a sudden, and all the chickens in the
panhandle plumb fell over."
During a period of heavy sandstorms, a rancher visited his banker and
applied for a loan. The banker warned him, "I'll have to come out and
inspect the property first." The rancher replied, "That won't be
necessary. Here it comes now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Psych:
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a
drink, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world.
He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave
him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an
attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat
around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle.
Iworked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I
finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"
Saturday, March 11, 2006
hUMOR For March 11th
"Bank Enunciation"
Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've had Novocaine."
"You should have used the drive-through," she said.
"Why?"
"Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"There's too much blood in my caffeine system."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Look Like Mom"
A two-and-a-half-year-old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up.
"I'm going to look just like you, Mommy!" she announced.
"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.
"No Mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laws Concerning Food and Drink
Household Principles
Lamentations of the Father
by Ian Frazier
*Laws of Forbidden Places*
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea,
and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may
eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you
may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of
the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color
and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living
room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal
treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in
sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room,
neither may you carry such therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room
carpet begins, of any food or beverage therein you may not
eat, neither may you drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching
something, then may you eat in the living room.
*Laws When at Table*
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such
as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below
you as they were.
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the
table, for that is an abomination to me.
Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your
feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of
rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any
utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not
what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk,
and lick it off, you will be sent away from my presence.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the
table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth
hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding
like a duck: for you will be sent away from my presence.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you
have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or
your sister what is within; verily I say to you, do not so,
even if your brother or your sister has done the same before
you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food;
neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the
raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you,
do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a
marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend,
because we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees,
do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do
not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or
the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away.
Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into
the syrup.
And now behold.....even as I have said, it has come to pass.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A 21st Century Marriage
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up
roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the
finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst
through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red
roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered
our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me
and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding
anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed
my wife's hard drive!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three Men on a Trip
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and
were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story
skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to
hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and
they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get
to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony
of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something
interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can
sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell
sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim
began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing
and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left
the room key in the car!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hunters from Minn.
Two hunters from Minnesota -- (true story) This is
from a radio program, a true report of an incident in
Minnesota:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for
$42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a
friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all
the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the
lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new
vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get
ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural
landing area for the ducks, for the decoys to float
on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like
something a wandering duck would fly down and land on,
it's going to take a little more effort than an ice
hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a
stick of dynamite with a short 40 second fuse. Now,
these two rocket s cientists do take into
consideration that they want to place the stick of
dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they,
(and the new Navigator truck), are standing. They
don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice
when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up
in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned
the vehicle, the guns, and the dog?? Let's talk about
the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of
doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of
dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the
time it hits the ice.
The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder
what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grab s the shotgun and shoots the dog.
The shotgun is loaded with #6 shot, hardly big enough
to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment,
slightly confused, but continues on.
Another shot and this time the dog, still standing,
becomes really confused and of course terrified,
thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog
takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator
truck. The men continue to yell as they run. The
exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog
yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and
takes off after his master.
Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to
the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving
the two idiots standing there with this "I can't
believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a
lake by illegal use of explosives is not COVERED. He
still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a
month payments!!!
…….And you thought your day was not going well.
Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've had Novocaine."
"You should have used the drive-through," she said.
"Why?"
"Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"There's too much blood in my caffeine system."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Look Like Mom"
A two-and-a-half-year-old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up.
"I'm going to look just like you, Mommy!" she announced.
"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.
"No Mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Laws Concerning Food and Drink
Household Principles
Lamentations of the Father
by Ian Frazier
*Laws of Forbidden Places*
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea,
and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may
eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you
may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of
the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color
and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living
room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal
treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in
sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room,
neither may you carry such therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room
carpet begins, of any food or beverage therein you may not
eat, neither may you drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching
something, then may you eat in the living room.
*Laws When at Table*
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such
as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below
you as they were.
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the
table, for that is an abomination to me.
Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your
feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of
rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any
utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not
what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk,
and lick it off, you will be sent away from my presence.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the
table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth
hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding
like a duck: for you will be sent away from my presence.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you
have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or
your sister what is within; verily I say to you, do not so,
even if your brother or your sister has done the same before
you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food;
neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the
raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you,
do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a
marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend,
because we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees,
do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do
not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or
the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away.
Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into
the syrup.
And now behold.....even as I have said, it has come to pass.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A 21st Century Marriage
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up
roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the
finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst
through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red
roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered
our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me
and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding
anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed
my wife's hard drive!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three Men on a Trip
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and
were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story
skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to
hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and
they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get
to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony
of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something
interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can
sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell
sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim
began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing
and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left
the room key in the car!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hunters from Minn.
Two hunters from Minnesota -- (true story) This is
from a radio program, a true report of an incident in
Minnesota:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator truck for
$42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a
friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all
the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the
lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new
vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get
ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural
landing area for the ducks, for the decoys to float
on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like
something a wandering duck would fly down and land on,
it's going to take a little more effort than an ice
hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a
stick of dynamite with a short 40 second fuse. Now,
these two rocket s cientists do take into
consideration that they want to place the stick of
dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they,
(and the new Navigator truck), are standing. They
don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice
when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up
in smoke with the resulting blast.
They light the 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned
the vehicle, the guns, and the dog?? Let's talk about
the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for
RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.
You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of
doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of
dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the
time it hits the ice.
The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder
what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grab s the shotgun and shoots the dog.
The shotgun is loaded with #6 shot, hardly big enough
to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment,
slightly confused, but continues on.
Another shot and this time the dog, still standing,
becomes really confused and of course terrified,
thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog
takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator
truck. The men continue to yell as they run. The
exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog
yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and
takes off after his master.
Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to
the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving
the two idiots standing there with this "I can't
believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a
lake by illegal use of explosives is not COVERED. He
still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a
month payments!!!
…….And you thought your day was not going well.
Friday, March 10, 2006
hUMOR For March 10th
HUMOR
Oxymorons
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
21. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
24. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
25. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
26. Christmas oxymoron:? What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
"Whisper Shock"
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. That's when it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Attending Church"
After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was transferring from.
The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of Motor
Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's license and is
told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him a
card with the letters:
C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy!!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"You've Got Bottle"
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." - Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Indoors"
If a rabbit is raised indoors, would it be an ingrown hare?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stained Glass
An minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of
presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new
church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message
centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole
picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like
the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to
make the whole picture.
And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And
then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a
little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."
It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.
Oxymorons
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
21. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
22. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
23. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
24. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
25. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
26. Christmas oxymoron:? What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
"Whisper Shock"
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. That's when it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Attending Church"
After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was transferring from.
The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of Motor
Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's license and is
told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him a
card with the letters:
C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the examiner asks.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy!!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"You've Got Bottle"
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." - Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Indoors"
If a rabbit is raised indoors, would it be an ingrown hare?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stained Glass
An minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of
presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new
church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message
centered on how each of us is called to help make up the whole
picture of life (the life of the community of the faithful). Like
the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to
make the whole picture.
And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And
then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a
little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."
It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
hUMOR For March 9th
My little boy sometimes had difficult bowel movements. One
day, we were browsing together in a novelty and gift store.
There were many wooden signs of "words of encouragement"
hanging on display.
Suddenly, he pointed to one of the signs and said to me,
"Mum, I think we should get this one and hang it in the
toilet." I looked at the sign he was indicating.
It read:
P. U. S. H.
"Pray Until Something Happens."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Hat Bet"
A Chabad Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a Schule in New York City, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. Being an old man who walked with the aid of a cane, he wasn't able to catch up with his hat.
Across the street, a young guy saw what was happening, rushed over and grabbed the hat and returned it to the Rabbi. "I could not have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi, "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May G-d bless you."
The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He then decided to go to the Racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. "A Stetson hat," he thought, "This is a sign!" He bet $50.00 on Stetson, and sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1! "A fedora is also hat!" he thought, so he bet all his money on Fedora, who came in first as well. "Just one more race, and then I'll go home and surprise my wife!" he said...
At the end of the day the guy returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, and how he was blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and bet on horses which were named after hats.
"So where's the money?" she said.
"I lost it all in the third race. I bet on a horse named Chateau, and it lost."
"You fool! Chateau is a house, *Chapeau* is a hat!"
"It doesn't matter," he said, throwing his arms in the air, "The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE
BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CHURCH-SPONSORED ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST ON WHICH KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF
CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE
DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD
TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES
WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE
HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN TH! E BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO
STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE
FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND
JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS
BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY
WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yard Sale
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's
yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I
stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains
you found," her friend replied.
"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's
waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Millionaire
She had reached the final plateau on the show, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire":
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
As she suspected, the million dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?"
Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo, or
D) the vulture?
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer, and she had used up her 50/50 lifeline and her audience poll lifeline.
All that remained was her phone-a-friend lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it; mainly because the only friend she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
She had no alternative She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The Blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy!
The answer is 'C' - The Cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except for the one her friend had given her (Considering her blonde friend, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had answered with such confidence, such certitude, "I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C - The Cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."
After the inevitable, interminable dramatic pause, Regis said, "That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a
millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends -- including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just don't know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire . .. and you know something -- it was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way . . How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests! They live in clocks!"
day, we were browsing together in a novelty and gift store.
There were many wooden signs of "words of encouragement"
hanging on display.
Suddenly, he pointed to one of the signs and said to me,
"Mum, I think we should get this one and hang it in the
toilet." I looked at the sign he was indicating.
It read:
P. U. S. H.
"Pray Until Something Happens."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Hat Bet"
A Chabad Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a Schule in New York City, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. Being an old man who walked with the aid of a cane, he wasn't able to catch up with his hat.
Across the street, a young guy saw what was happening, rushed over and grabbed the hat and returned it to the Rabbi. "I could not have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi, "Thank you very much!" He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May G-d bless you."
The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He then decided to go to the Racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1. "A Stetson hat," he thought, "This is a sign!" He bet $50.00 on Stetson, and sure enough, the horse came in first. In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1! "A fedora is also hat!" he thought, so he bet all his money on Fedora, who came in first as well. "Just one more race, and then I'll go home and surprise my wife!" he said...
At the end of the day the guy returned home to his wife. She asked him where he's been. He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, and how he was blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and bet on horses which were named after hats.
"So where's the money?" she said.
"I lost it all in the third race. I bet on a horse named Chateau, and it lost."
"You fool! Chateau is a house, *Chapeau* is a hat!"
"It doesn't matter," he said, throwing his arms in the air, "The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE
BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CHURCH-SPONSORED ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST ON WHICH KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF
CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE
DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD
TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES
WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE
HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN TH! E BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO
STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE
FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND
JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS
BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY
WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yard Sale
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's
yard sale, and said to her, "My husband is going to be very angry I
stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains
you found," her friend replied.
"Normally, yes," she said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's
waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Millionaire
She had reached the final plateau on the show, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire":
If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
As she suspected, the million dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?"
Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo, or
D) the vulture?
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer, and she had used up her 50/50 lifeline and her audience poll lifeline.
All that remained was her phone-a-friend lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it; mainly because the only friend she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
She had no alternative She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The Blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy!
The answer is 'C' - The Cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except for the one her friend had given her (Considering her blonde friend, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had answered with such confidence, such certitude, "I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C - The Cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."
After the inevitable, interminable dramatic pause, Regis said, "That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a
millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends -- including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just don't know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire . .. and you know something -- it was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way . . How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests! They live in clocks!"
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
hUMOR For March 8th
"Redecorating Help"
A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Flirtation, attention without intention." - Max O'Rell
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"First Impressions"
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward,
looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you
like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH for these 2 --
Hillary and the Young Preacher
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending
her first night in the White House. She has waited so
long..........
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary
says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
** Graveside Services **
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral
director to hold a Grave-side burial service at a
small local cemetery for someone with no family or
friends. The preacher started early but quickly got
himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually,
a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but
the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and
found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling
guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an
impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased
to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of
the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like
that"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his
numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dan heard that milk baths would make him masculine. He left a note for
his milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the
note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought Dan probably meant
1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
Dan came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave
15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
Dan said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
Dan said, "No, just up to my chin, I don't want to splash it in my eyes.
For those outside my family, please substitute blonde for Dan.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are
heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the
corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young
ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak
up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same
silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I
am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On
the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran
into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she
didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own
refection.........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way
they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking
life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of
them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the
way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would
they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do
they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the
waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but
in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on
that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who
do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on --
but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've
printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever
find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer
these awful indignities.
A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Flirtation, attention without intention." - Max O'Rell
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"First Impressions"
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward,
looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you
like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH for these 2 --
Hillary and the Young Preacher
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending
her first night in the White House. She has waited so
long..........
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary
says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
** Graveside Services **
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral
director to hold a Grave-side burial service at a
small local cemetery for someone with no family or
friends. The preacher started early but quickly got
himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually,
a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but
the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and
found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling
guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an
impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased
to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of
the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like
that"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his
numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dan heard that milk baths would make him masculine. He left a note for
his milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the
note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought Dan probably meant
1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
Dan came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave
15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
Dan said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
Dan said, "No, just up to my chin, I don't want to splash it in my eyes.
For those outside my family, please substitute blonde for Dan.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are
heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the
corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young
ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak
up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same
silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I
am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On
the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran
into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she
didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own
refection.........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way
they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking
life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of
them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the
way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would
they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do
they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the
waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but
in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on
that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who
do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on --
but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've
printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever
find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer
these awful indignities.
hUMOR For March 8th
"Redecorating Help"
A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Flirtation, attention without intention." - Max O'Rell
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"First Impressions"
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward,
looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you
like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH for these 2 --
Hillary and the Young Preacher
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending
her first night in the White House. She has waited so
long..........
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary
says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
** Graveside Services **
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral
director to hold a Grave-side burial service at a
small local cemetery for someone with no family or
friends. The preacher started early but quickly got
himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually,
a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but
the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and
found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling
guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an
impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased
to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of
the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like
that"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his
numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dan heard that milk baths would make him masculine. He left a note for
his milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the
note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought Dan probably meant
1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
Dan came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave
15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
Dan said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
Dan said, "No, just up to my chin, I don't want to splash it in my eyes.
For those outside my family, please substitute blonde for Dan.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are
heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the
corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young
ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak
up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same
silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I
am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On
the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran
into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she
didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own
refection.........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way
they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking
life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of
them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the
way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would
they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do
they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the
waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but
in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on
that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who
do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on --
but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've
printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever
find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer
these awful indignities.
A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"
"Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Flirtation, attention without intention." - Max O'Rell
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"First Impressions"
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into
the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward,
looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you
like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH for these 2 --
Hillary and the Young Preacher
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending
her first night in the White House. She has waited so
long..........
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary
says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears.
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
** Graveside Services **
A young preacher was asked by the local funeral
director to hold a Grave-side burial service at a
small local cemetery for someone with no family or
friends. The preacher started early but quickly got
himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually,
a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but
the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and
found the vault lid already in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling
guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an
impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased
to the great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of
the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like
that"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his
numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."
"Good. What comes after three."
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.
What comes after ten?"
"A jack," says the little boy.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dan heard that milk baths would make him masculine. He left a note for
his milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the
note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought Dan probably meant
1.5 gallons so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
Dan came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave
15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
Dan said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk
and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"
Dan said, "No, just up to my chin, I don't want to splash it in my eyes.
For those outside my family, please substitute blonde for Dan.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are
heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the
corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young
ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak
up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same
silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I
am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On
the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran
into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she
didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair
this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own
refection.........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way
they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking
life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of
them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the
way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would
they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do
they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the
waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but
in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on
that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who
do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on --
but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've
printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever
find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer
these awful indignities.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
hUMOR For March 7th
My husband had been the only driver in the family for many
years. I can't drive and usually prefer to sit in the back
of the family car behind the front passenger seat. Our elder
boy would take the front seat and the younger boy sat in the
back with me.
When our elder son got his driver's license, his father was
very happy because he wanted to relax as a passenger for a
change.
On the day our elder son got to drive for the first time,
there was a change in the seating position. My husband
decided he wanted to sit in the back with me, so our younger
boy went to the front.
As we were leaving the parking lot, our younger boy cheered,
"Yeeeaaahh...! We children have taken over the car!" He then
turned around, looked at us, and said with mock severity,
"Now, the two of you behave yourselves in the back." He
paused for a few seconds before adding, "Remember now, no
hanky panky!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: SNIFFER
A man had just settled into his seat next to the
window on the plane when another man sat down in the
aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the
middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and
asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second
man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog
is a "Sniffing dog." His name is Sniffer and he's the
best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne,
when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the
agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to
"search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle,
and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for
several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on
the Agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man
and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana,
so I'm making a note of her seat number and the
authorities will apprehend her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the
aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few
seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places
TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so
again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the
police."
"I like it!" says his seatmate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little
while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing
back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and
proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior
and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog
would act like that, so he asks t he agent "What's
going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can I Help?
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting
the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.
His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking."
The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
years. I can't drive and usually prefer to sit in the back
of the family car behind the front passenger seat. Our elder
boy would take the front seat and the younger boy sat in the
back with me.
When our elder son got his driver's license, his father was
very happy because he wanted to relax as a passenger for a
change.
On the day our elder son got to drive for the first time,
there was a change in the seating position. My husband
decided he wanted to sit in the back with me, so our younger
boy went to the front.
As we were leaving the parking lot, our younger boy cheered,
"Yeeeaaahh...! We children have taken over the car!" He then
turned around, looked at us, and said with mock severity,
"Now, the two of you behave yourselves in the back." He
paused for a few seconds before adding, "Remember now, no
hanky panky!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: SNIFFER
A man had just settled into his seat next to the
window on the plane when another man sat down in the
aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the
middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and
asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second
man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog
is a "Sniffing dog." His name is Sniffer and he's the
best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne,
when I put him to work."
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the
agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to
"search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle,
and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for
several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on
the Agent's arm.
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man
and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana,
so I'm making a note of her seat number and the
authorities will apprehend her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the
aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few
seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places
TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so
again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the
police."
"I like it!" says his seatmate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little
while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing
back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and
proceeded to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior
and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog
would act like that, so he asks t he agent "What's
going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can I Help?
One summer evening a young son came in while his parents were setting
the table for supper. Quite surprisingly, he asked if he could help.
His mother said, "No, but I appreciate you asking."
The child responded, "Well, I appreciate you saying no."
Monday, March 06, 2006
hUMOR For Mar. 6th
Do You See God?
SOMEBODY'S RAISING THEIR KID RIGHT!
One Nation, "Under God".
One day a 6-year-old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was
going to explain "evolution" to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He
just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LTTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school,
she must not have one!
(You Go Girl!)
FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT, II CORINTHIANS 5:7
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAINTAINING A DISTANCE OF 5 PACES BEHIND!!!
Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender
roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk
behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the
overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk
even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the
old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
"Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so
desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without
hesitation, said, "Land mines."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
During WWII, the Japanese were searching for a way to
demoralize the American forces that they faced. Their Psychological
warfare experts came up with a message that they thought would work
well. They gave the script to their famous broadcaster "Tokyo Rose"
and everyday she would broadcast this same message packaged in various
ways hoping to have an impact on American GI morale.
What was the message? It had three main points:
1. Your President is lying to you.
2. This war is illegal.
3. You cannot win the war
Sound familiar?
Maybe it's because the Democrat Party has picked up the same message
and is broadcasting it to our troops. The only difference is that they
claim to support our troops before they demoralize them. Come to think
of it, Tokyo Rose used to tell the troops she was on their side.
Think about this next Election Day.
Let's see how many people vote for Tokyo Harry, Tokyo Teddy, Tokyo
Nancy , Tokyo Murtha, Tokyo John, or Tokyo Hillary.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at
self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to
put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a
supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went
by before we got a call that could be traced to those
placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my
yard, and I want you to come and get it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become
coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or
you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll
to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched
is directly proportional to the stupidity of the act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number,
you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss a flat tire
made you late for work, the very next morning you will
have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes),
the one you were in will start to move faster than the
one you are in now. (works every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in
water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting
someone you know increases when you are with someone
you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone
that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, people with seats furthest
from the aisle, arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot
coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that
lasts until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people
in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chance that an
open-faced jelly sandwich will land face-down on the
floor is directly correlated to the newness and cost
of the carpet/rug.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product you really
like, they will stop making it.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Why Are You Here?"
A man dressed as napoleon went to see a psychiatrist at the urging of his wife. "What's your problem?" the doctor asked?
"I have no problem," the man replied. "I'm one of the most famous people in the world. I have a great army behind me. I have all the money I'll ever need, and I live in great luxury."
"Then why are you here?"
"It's because of my wife," the man said. "She thinks she's Mrs.Levine."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Light sabers don't kill people. Jedi Knights kill people."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Flea"
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Perfectly Made
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my
sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left
for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable
when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was
perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I
discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
SOMEBODY'S RAISING THEIR KID RIGHT!
One Nation, "Under God".
One day a 6-year-old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was
going to explain "evolution" to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He
just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LTTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school,
she must not have one!
(You Go Girl!)
FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT, II CORINTHIANS 5:7
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAINTAINING A DISTANCE OF 5 PACES BEHIND!!!
Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender
roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk
behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the
overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk
even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the
old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
"Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so
desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without
hesitation, said, "Land mines."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
During WWII, the Japanese were searching for a way to
demoralize the American forces that they faced. Their Psychological
warfare experts came up with a message that they thought would work
well. They gave the script to their famous broadcaster "Tokyo Rose"
and everyday she would broadcast this same message packaged in various
ways hoping to have an impact on American GI morale.
What was the message? It had three main points:
1. Your President is lying to you.
2. This war is illegal.
3. You cannot win the war
Sound familiar?
Maybe it's because the Democrat Party has picked up the same message
and is broadcasting it to our troops. The only difference is that they
claim to support our troops before they demoralize them. Come to think
of it, Tokyo Rose used to tell the troops she was on their side.
Think about this next Election Day.
Let's see how many people vote for Tokyo Harry, Tokyo Teddy, Tokyo
Nancy , Tokyo Murtha, Tokyo John, or Tokyo Hillary.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at
self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to
put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a
supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went
by before we got a call that could be traced to those
placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my
yard, and I want you to come and get it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become
coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or
you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll
to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched
is directly proportional to the stupidity of the act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number,
you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss a flat tire
made you late for work, the very next morning you will
have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes),
the one you were in will start to move faster than the
one you are in now. (works every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in
water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting
someone you know increases when you are with someone
you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone
that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, people with seats furthest
from the aisle, arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot
coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that
lasts until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people
in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chance that an
open-faced jelly sandwich will land face-down on the
floor is directly correlated to the newness and cost
of the carpet/rug.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product you really
like, they will stop making it.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Why Are You Here?"
A man dressed as napoleon went to see a psychiatrist at the urging of his wife. "What's your problem?" the doctor asked?
"I have no problem," the man replied. "I'm one of the most famous people in the world. I have a great army behind me. I have all the money I'll ever need, and I live in great luxury."
"Then why are you here?"
"It's because of my wife," the man said. "She thinks she's Mrs.Levine."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Light sabers don't kill people. Jedi Knights kill people."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Flea"
Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Perfectly Made
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my
sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left
for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable
when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was
perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I
discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
hUMOR For Mar. 5th
Signs You Have Nothing To Do At Work
1. You've read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2006 - and
it's only the middle of February.
2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough
produces images of Elvis ... Or maybe Mister Rogers.
3. You've definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.
4. You decide to see how many Jolt Colas you can drink before the
inevitable explosion occurs.
5. Co-workers come into your cubicle frequently ... to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Goober Ice Fishing"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
There were two good ol' boys from the South who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off.
In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need a dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how's the fishing going?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Refined Shopping"
A very refined young man comes to a small food shop and sees fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does it.
"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every berry in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.
"And what is it there," he asks pointing out at something dark in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they're not for sale."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Never run out of altitude, air speed, & ideas at one time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Computer"
The best computer is a man, and it's the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Things Overheard on Noah's Ark"
10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"
9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"
8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"
7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"
6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"
5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"
4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"
3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."
2. "Nice Doggie!"
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK.....
1. "Are We There Yet?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Nobody believes the official spokesman, but everybody trusts an unidentified source." - Ron Nesen
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Prayer Motivation"
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
1. You've read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2006 - and
it's only the middle of February.
2. You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough
produces images of Elvis ... Or maybe Mister Rogers.
3. You've definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.
4. You decide to see how many Jolt Colas you can drink before the
inevitable explosion occurs.
5. Co-workers come into your cubicle frequently ... to borrow pencils from your ceiling.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Goober Ice Fishing"
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
There were two good ol' boys from the South who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, so they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're gonna need an ice pick." So they got that, and they took off.
In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're gonna need a dozen ice picks."
Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're gonna need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how's the fishing going?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Refined Shopping"
A very refined young man comes to a small food shop and sees fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does it.
"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every berry in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.
"And what is it there," he asks pointing out at something dark in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they're not for sale."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Never run out of altitude, air speed, & ideas at one time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Computer"
The best computer is a man, and it's the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Things Overheard on Noah's Ark"
10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"
9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"
8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"
7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"
6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"
5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"
4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"
3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."
2. "Nice Doggie!"
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAH'S ARK.....
1. "Are We There Yet?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Nobody believes the official spokesman, but everybody trusts an unidentified source." - Ron Nesen
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Prayer Motivation"
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
Saturday, March 04, 2006
hUMOR For March 4th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a
"pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd
anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra
for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized Taser. The consequences of the Taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
effects on her assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed
the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions
said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference --
pretty cute, really -- and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, master,"
reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little
ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both
on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely
recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my
left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go
of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst
would be considered conservative.
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt as if it had been shot up with
Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
Still in shock,
Tommy
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH -- who obviously doesn't agree with
this... I mean, really... :)
The Brain
The relatives gathered in the waiting room at the
hospital where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he
surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for
your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is
the only hope.
"Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have
to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the
news. After a great length of time, someone asked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male
brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not
to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but
some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the
question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male
brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and
explained to the entire group, "It's just standard
pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of
the female brains, because they've actually been
used."
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO
THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: Why you never hear 'Muslim jokes'
Jackie Mason
Muslim fundamentalists have decided that even if you
never saw or heard of the cartoons, you deserve to be
hit with rocks, have your car wrecked and your
embassies destroyed.
Ironic ally, the cartoonists were not insulting Islam;
they were satirizing fanaticism. Now the fanatics have
decided that there are no laws, limits or boundaries
that apply to their behavior. They not only have the
right to take your life; they now have the right to
rob you of your freedom of expression.
Could you picture a Jew killing anybody for such
meaningless reasons? If a Jew gets mad he might sneak
into your house and steal your Lipitor or he would
make a deal with your doctor to lie about your
cholesterol number, or just when you have fasted a
whole day on Yom Kippur he would sneak into your house
and steal all the pastrami sandwiches.
I never saw a Jew going into meaningless fights. That
is why you seldom see Jewish football players. A Jew
is not going to take a chance in spraining his neck or
tearing a ligament in his knee just because he was
fighting with somebody about catching a ball. He would
rather go to a store and buy another ball and avoid
the whole problem. That is why there are also no
Jewish hockey players. Hockey players spend all their
time hitting each other in the mouth with sticks.
When Jews saw how Gentiles played hockey, that is how
Jews found out that instead of becoming hockey players
they would become dentists, and that way they decided
to let other people play the game while they found a
way to make a profit from it.
Jews are never known to get into unnecessary physical
battles. That is why people are never afraid of being
attacked by a Jew. Did you ever hear anybody say,
'Don't go into that neighborhood, it is very
dangerous, there are a lot of Jews there?' Jews have
so long been accustomed to being threatened and
persecuted all over the world that they cou ld never
dream of creating needless violence anywhere, because
they would be grateful to find a place where they are
allowed to live in peace.
Meanwhile, the world is reacting with an amazing
cowardice. Instead of a collective fury, we are
pleading forgiveness and promising not to offend them
with any more cartoons. Could anything be more
perverted?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reason for Happiness?
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor
Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reason for Happiness?
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor
Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a
"pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop
that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd
anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra
for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized Taser. The consequences of the Taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
effects on her assailant, allowing her adequate time to
retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed
the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn
spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-A batteries, right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions
said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference --
pretty cute, really -- and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, master,"
reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little
ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give
myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both
on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely
recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my
left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a
one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go
of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst
would be considered conservative.
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they get up there???
My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt as if it had been shot up with
Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
Still in shock,
Tommy
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH -- who obviously doesn't agree with
this... I mean, really... :)
The Brain
The relatives gathered in the waiting room at the
hospital where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he
surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for
your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is
the only hope.
"Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have
to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the
news. After a great length of time, someone asked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male
brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not
to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but
some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the
question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male
brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and
explained to the entire group, "It's just standard
pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of
the female brains, because they've actually been
used."
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO
THE MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JLH: Why you never hear 'Muslim jokes'
Jackie Mason
Muslim fundamentalists have decided that even if you
never saw or heard of the cartoons, you deserve to be
hit with rocks, have your car wrecked and your
embassies destroyed.
Ironic ally, the cartoonists were not insulting Islam;
they were satirizing fanaticism. Now the fanatics have
decided that there are no laws, limits or boundaries
that apply to their behavior. They not only have the
right to take your life; they now have the right to
rob you of your freedom of expression.
Could you picture a Jew killing anybody for such
meaningless reasons? If a Jew gets mad he might sneak
into your house and steal your Lipitor or he would
make a deal with your doctor to lie about your
cholesterol number, or just when you have fasted a
whole day on Yom Kippur he would sneak into your house
and steal all the pastrami sandwiches.
I never saw a Jew going into meaningless fights. That
is why you seldom see Jewish football players. A Jew
is not going to take a chance in spraining his neck or
tearing a ligament in his knee just because he was
fighting with somebody about catching a ball. He would
rather go to a store and buy another ball and avoid
the whole problem. That is why there are also no
Jewish hockey players. Hockey players spend all their
time hitting each other in the mouth with sticks.
When Jews saw how Gentiles played hockey, that is how
Jews found out that instead of becoming hockey players
they would become dentists, and that way they decided
to let other people play the game while they found a
way to make a profit from it.
Jews are never known to get into unnecessary physical
battles. That is why people are never afraid of being
attacked by a Jew. Did you ever hear anybody say,
'Don't go into that neighborhood, it is very
dangerous, there are a lot of Jews there?' Jews have
so long been accustomed to being threatened and
persecuted all over the world that they cou ld never
dream of creating needless violence anywhere, because
they would be grateful to find a place where they are
allowed to live in peace.
Meanwhile, the world is reacting with an amazing
cowardice. Instead of a collective fury, we are
pleading forgiveness and promising not to offend them
with any more cartoons. Could anything be more
perverted?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reason for Happiness?
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor
Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reason for Happiness?
Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor
Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver's license.
"Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired.
"No," I replied.
"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."
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