The Blonde Year in Review
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because
it was too tight.
February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the
bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle
in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the
power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water
won't fit into those little packets.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she
couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming
competition, complained to the judges that the other
swimmers were using their arms.
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying
to get into their locked car using a coat hanger
because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California
was: answered "C."
October - Hates M & M's because they are so hard to
peel.
November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the
instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed
120.
December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11"
on any phone button.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Ten Commandments Of Marriage
Commandment 1 Marriages are made in heaven. But so
are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay
strict attention to every word you say; talk in your
sleep.
Commandment 3 Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at
least 100 grand!
Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating. In
the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens. In the third year, they both
speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car
for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the
car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6 Marriage is when a man and woman become
as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide
which one.
Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will lie awake
all night thinking about something you say. After
marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife who is
beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely matter of
chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic
waste.
Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is
married. After that, he is finished.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Psychiatrist's 23rd Psalm
The Lord is my external-internal integrative
mechanism, I shall not be deprived of gratification
for my viscerogenic hungers or my need-dispositions.
He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social
object with affective significance.
He positions me in a non-decisional situation.
He maximizes my adjustment.
Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive
id impulses, I will maintain contact with reality, for
my superego is dominant.
His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me.
He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts
despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic
compulsions.
He promotes my group identification.
My personality is totally integrated.
Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a
direct function of time,
And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and
economically secure forever.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Mercedes
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new
Mercedes convertible.
He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he
had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as
he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal
even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and
saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights
flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the
man and he gunned it some more and flew down the road
at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought,
"What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for
the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked
up to the man "Sir," he said, looking at his watch.
"My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If
you can give me a reason why you were speeding that
I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my
wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I
thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Excerpts From 'A Cat's Guide To Human Beings'"
1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.
What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
2. How and When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.
3. Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.
* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.
* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.
5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"On a scale of 1 to 10, 4 is about 7."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Arrest Report"
A fellow is walking down the street, and is accosted by a policeman. After brief questioning, the gentleman is arrested.
On facing the Magistrate, the policeman's statement is as follows, "Your Honour, the defendant was on Smith Street, carrying, on his back, a desk. He clutched in his left hand a typewriter, in his right, a wastepaper basket."
"I arrested him for impersonating an office, sir."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Too Late!
The program manager couldn't grasp the idea of gathering requirements
at the start of a project. "At a project kickoff meeting, which he
had neglected to actually invite the customer to, we had a lot of
discussion around what the software we were creating was supposed to
do," says a programmer on the team. "I suggested putting together a
requirements teleconference with the customer to clarify their ideas
and goals." PM's response? "I was told we were already behind
schedule and didn't have time to meet with the customer."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want
ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very
nervous man who ran a three-man business.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't
want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take
all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the
job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed.
"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair -- try these."
The speaker tried them on and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He said, "I have one more pair. Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 24th
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going
to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a
few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a
good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the
ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been
going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he
added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't
hurt."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three Wishes!!!
This guy was walking along the beach when he came
across this salt-encrusted piece of metal.
He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and
behold it was a very old oil lamp.
The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris
when "poof" a genie appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed
of the lamp that he granted the guy 3 wishes.
"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says
the guy.
"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar
richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish."
"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire
engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system
ever installed in an automobile."
"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand
and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the
lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.
The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah,
with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had
become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want
that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything
that came to his mind.
"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now.
May I save the third wish for later."
"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I
can't escape from this lamp until you make a third
wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie
disappears into the lamp.
The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable
lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red
Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds
and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his
great audio system customized to his ears.
After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south
along the Pacific Coast Highway.
Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche
handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began
to sing along with the familiar commercial on the
radio.
"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the Store-employees really mean...
1. "Can I help you get a size?" Don't touch that, I
just spent an hour folding it and I don't need your
hands messing it up again.
2. "Do you need help with anything?" Quick, my manager
is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.
3. "Welcome to <>" Good, another
customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair
of socks.
4. "Have a nice day!" Now that you ruined mine.
5. "Thank you for shopping at <>"
Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!
6. "Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your
items?" The more you can carry, the more you can buy!
7. "I love your shirt! Where did you get it?" Your
shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here, why
are you even shopping here?
8. "Can I help you get something down?" I'll get a
ladder and put it up for you since this other nice
customer put in the absolute wrong place.
9. "Don't worry about folding it, I can do it" You
would just mess it up again if you folded it.
10. "No, we don't have any more in the back" I just
don't want to check
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blondes... Aren't we thankful we have 'em? Think of
all the smiles we'd lose without 'em...
"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me
walking down the hallway at work.
"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
"The regional vice president died this morning!"
"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"
"He was working through lunch when he had a heart
attack," Jim began explaining. "Everyone was gone
except his secretary. You know the one."
"Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."
"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart,
though."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just
stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of
the phone number."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My sister went to the department store to check out the
bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up
soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the
gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young
to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Major Technological Breakthrough
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named: BOOK
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no
electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched
on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an
armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much
information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of
information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device
called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides
of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.
Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in
information density; for now, BOOKs with more information simply use
more pages.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly
into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.
Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires
rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or stepped on
without damage. However, it can become unusable if immersed in water
for a significant period of time. The "browse" feature allows you to
move instantly to any sheet and move forward or backward as you wish.
Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location
of selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact
place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been
closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single
BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely,
numerous BOOKmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants
to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the
number of pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an
optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic
Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a
precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so
certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the
platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of
new titles soon.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting Away From It All...
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the
pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no
sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an
ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came
crashing toward him.
Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave
just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he
had matches with him and was able to light a fire.
Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had
returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him.
After several hours they saw smoke curling from the
cave and went to investigate.
Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers
yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red
Cross."
Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get
lost. I gave at the office!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Genie...
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old
Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand,
pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three
wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her
wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next, her
mother requested for a cure for all ill children.
Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample
curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim
figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand
madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Johnny
Lil' Johnny's mother took her 6 year old son with her
to the bank. They were in line behind a rather obese
lady. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny
looked at the women in front of him and observed
loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's really fat."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his
mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny
received a reprimand.
After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as
far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt
is 'that' wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed
mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple
of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the
fat hangs over her belt."
The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control
her child and his mother threatened him with severe
bodily harm.
The lady's pager begins to go off. Lil' Johnny yelled
in a panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your
life, she's backing up"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Real Groaner...
A man once saw a very beautiful woman and became
infatuated with her. Unfortunately, she didnt notice
him. Frustrated, he went to see a group of witches to
get a love potion from them. "We don't give love
potions anymore," said the witches, "we've decided
it's too unethical. But we will help you." They then
gave him a bag of small white tablets.
"Bury one of these in front of her home every night
for a month," they said, then sent him away.
A month later the man returned to the witches.
"Everything's great!" he exclaimed. "We met, she fell
in love with me and now we are to be married. I'm
amazed!"
"It's really no surprise," said the witches.
"Remember: Nothin says lovin like something from the
Coven, and pills buried says it best!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Riddles, Puns, Groaners... For the Kids
What kind of clothes does a house wear?
Address (Nelson, 10)
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
"You look flushed!" (Sara, 10)
What did the patent office head say when he first saw
Edison's
new light bulb?
Okay. Whose bright idea is this?
How did the manicure student do on her final exam?
She nailed it.
What is a monster's favorite game?
Swallow the leader (Christian, 7)
Why did the turkey go on a diet?
He was afraid of being stuffed for thanksgiving
(Elijah,8)
Police were called to a day care where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.
To perfect their harmony, the barbershop quartet had
to have a sound plan. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Two comedian ducks are sitting at a nightclub one
night. One turns to the other and says "You quack me
up."
A window cleaner's boss often did spot checks.
On a van used by a window-treatment company: "A blind
man is driving this vehicle."
The chef slipped and broke his prime rib.
The teacher was lecturing on history and asked, "Can
anyone tell me the genus and nationality of the first
animal to circumnavigate the globe?"
Andrew raised his hand. "It was that duck from Paris,
I believe."
The teacher's eyebrows arched. "What duck from Paris?"
Andrew said, "Sir - France's drake."
The weary holiday travelers looked in disbelief at a
bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage check-in
center... "OK, we give up. Why do you have mistletoe
above the luggage scale?"
"That's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye!"
to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a
few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a
good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the
ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been
going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he
added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't
hurt."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three Wishes!!!
This guy was walking along the beach when he came
across this salt-encrusted piece of metal.
He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and
behold it was a very old oil lamp.
The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris
when "poof" a genie appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed
of the lamp that he granted the guy 3 wishes.
"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says
the guy.
"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar
richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish."
"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire
engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system
ever installed in an automobile."
"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand
and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the
lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.
The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah,
with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had
become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want
that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything
that came to his mind.
"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now.
May I save the third wish for later."
"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I
can't escape from this lamp until you make a third
wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie
disappears into the lamp.
The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable
lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red
Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds
and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his
great audio system customized to his ears.
After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south
along the Pacific Coast Highway.
Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche
handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began
to sing along with the familiar commercial on the
radio.
"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What the Store-employees really mean...
1. "Can I help you get a size?" Don't touch that, I
just spent an hour folding it and I don't need your
hands messing it up again.
2. "Do you need help with anything?" Quick, my manager
is coming around the corner and I need to look busy.
3. "Welcome to <
customer to mess up my entire store just to buy a pair
of socks.
4. "Have a nice day!" Now that you ruined mine.
5. "Thank you for shopping at <
Thanks for emptying your wallet with us!
6. "Do you need a shopping cart to help you carry your
items?" The more you can carry, the more you can buy!
7. "I love your shirt! Where did you get it?" Your
shirt is much nicer than the clothes we sell here, why
are you even shopping here?
8. "Can I help you get something down?" I'll get a
ladder and put it up for you since this other nice
customer put in the absolute wrong place.
9. "Don't worry about folding it, I can do it" You
would just mess it up again if you folded it.
10. "No, we don't have any more in the back" I just
don't want to check
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blondes... Aren't we thankful we have 'em? Think of
all the smiles we'd lose without 'em...
"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me
walking down the hallway at work.
"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
"The regional vice president died this morning!"
"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"
"He was working through lunch when he had a heart
attack," Jim began explaining. "Everyone was gone
except his secretary. You know the one."
"Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."
"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart,
though."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just
stood there waiting for him to give her the rest of
the phone number."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My sister went to the department store to check out the
bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up
soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the
gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young
to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Major Technological Breakthrough
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named: BOOK
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no
electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched
on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an
armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much
information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of
information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device
called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides
of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.
Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in
information density; for now, BOOKs with more information simply use
more pages.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly
into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.
Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires
rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or stepped on
without damage. However, it can become unusable if immersed in water
for a significant period of time. The "browse" feature allows you to
move instantly to any sheet and move forward or backward as you wish.
Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location
of selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact
place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been
closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single
BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely,
numerous BOOKmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants
to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the
number of pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an
optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic
Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a
precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so
certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the
platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of
new titles soon.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting Away From It All...
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the
pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no
sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an
ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came
crashing toward him.
Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave
just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he
had matches with him and was able to light a fire.
Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had
returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him.
After several hours they saw smoke curling from the
cave and went to investigate.
Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers
yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red
Cross."
Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get
lost. I gave at the office!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Genie...
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old
Sarah started using her pinwheel as a magic wand,
pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three
wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her
wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next, her
mother requested for a cure for all ill children.
Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample
curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim
figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand
madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Johnny
Lil' Johnny's mother took her 6 year old son with her
to the bank. They were in line behind a rather obese
lady. As the mother patiently waited, Lil' Johnny
looked at the women in front of him and observed
loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's really fat."
The lady looked at Johnny, made eye contact with his
mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil' Johnny
received a reprimand.
After a minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as
far as they will go and loudly said, "I bet her butt
is 'that' wide."
At this the lady glared at Johnny. His embarrassed
mother severely scolds her son. Again after a couple
of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the
fat hangs over her belt."
The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control
her child and his mother threatened him with severe
bodily harm.
The lady's pager begins to go off. Lil' Johnny yelled
in a panic at the top of his voice, "Run for your
life, she's backing up"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Real Groaner...
A man once saw a very beautiful woman and became
infatuated with her. Unfortunately, she didnt notice
him. Frustrated, he went to see a group of witches to
get a love potion from them. "We don't give love
potions anymore," said the witches, "we've decided
it's too unethical. But we will help you." They then
gave him a bag of small white tablets.
"Bury one of these in front of her home every night
for a month," they said, then sent him away.
A month later the man returned to the witches.
"Everything's great!" he exclaimed. "We met, she fell
in love with me and now we are to be married. I'm
amazed!"
"It's really no surprise," said the witches.
"Remember: Nothin says lovin like something from the
Coven, and pills buried says it best!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Riddles, Puns, Groaners... For the Kids
What kind of clothes does a house wear?
Address (Nelson, 10)
What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
"You look flushed!" (Sara, 10)
What did the patent office head say when he first saw
Edison's
new light bulb?
Okay. Whose bright idea is this?
How did the manicure student do on her final exam?
She nailed it.
What is a monster's favorite game?
Swallow the leader (Christian, 7)
Why did the turkey go on a diet?
He was afraid of being stuffed for thanksgiving
(Elijah,8)
Police were called to a day care where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.
To perfect their harmony, the barbershop quartet had
to have a sound plan. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Two comedian ducks are sitting at a nightclub one
night. One turns to the other and says "You quack me
up."
A window cleaner's boss often did spot checks.
On a van used by a window-treatment company: "A blind
man is driving this vehicle."
The chef slipped and broke his prime rib.
The teacher was lecturing on history and asked, "Can
anyone tell me the genus and nationality of the first
animal to circumnavigate the globe?"
Andrew raised his hand. "It was that duck from Paris,
I believe."
The teacher's eyebrows arched. "What duck from Paris?"
Andrew said, "Sir - France's drake."
The weary holiday travelers looked in disbelief at a
bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage check-in
center... "OK, we give up. Why do you have mistletoe
above the luggage scale?"
"That's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye!"
Monday, January 23, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 23rd
"Market Conditions"
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."
"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."
"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
Ok, not to belabor the point, but remember that great quote that wasn't said by James A. Garfield (20th.President of the U.S.A)? Well, thanks to list member Rick "Sam_Mcduff" who tracked the source of the quote to Stanford president Donald Kennedy at commencement in 1991. Here is an expanded quote from him.
"The commitments that people make to values beyond the self are manifested in various ways - in their family and community life, in the way they treat any and all humans, in the goals and standards they set for themselves. There are men and women who make the world better just by being the kind of people they are. They have the gift of kindness or courage or loyalty or integrity. It really matters very little whether they are behind the wheel of a truck, or running a business, or bringing up a family. They teach the truth by living it."
- Donald Kennedy, President of Stanford
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Self-Image"
How to Lie to the Bathroom Scales
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps!)
7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Computer Career"
Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff. One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.
I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The computer is over there."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Curse
The plane was flying from Seattle to New York. The
young woman of 25 was seated next to a well dressed
lady in her 70's. The young woman found it difficult
to ignore the beautiful huge diamond that the elderly
passenger seated next to her was wearing. After a
while she could not resist making a comment about the
beautiful stone. That diamond on your finger is so
huge!"
The elderly lady smiled and said, "It is five carats
--the famous Nussbaum Diamond--it's worth almost a
million dollars!"
The young lady let out a screech of excitement--"Oh
how fantastic!"
The elderly lady continued. There is only one problem
with the Nussbaum Diamond, ---there is a curse that
goes with it!"
"What kind of a curse goes with the Nussbaum Diamond?"
The young lady yelled out over the engine noise.
The elderly woman smiled and answered--"Mr. Nussbaum!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DID YOU KNOW?
The world record frog jump is 33 feet 5.5 inches over
the course of 3 consecutive leaps, achieved in May
1977 by a South African sharp-nosed frog called
Santjie.
The average outdoor only cat has a lifespan of about
three years. Indoor only cats can live sixteen years
and longer.
Did you know that at Disneyland they have like
hundreds of wild domesticated cats running around the
park? They never come out during the day because
there's too many people, but the reason they're there
is to catch the mice.
The Maine Coon cat is America's only natural breed of
domestic feline.
Julius Caeser, Henri II, Charles XI and Napoleon all
had ailurophobia, a fear of cats.
Electric light or light from your TV set will make
your cat shed her fur.
According to experts, whale songs rhyme.
Both humans and cats have identical regions in the
brain responsible for emotion.
The oceans contain 99 percent of the living space on
the planet.
Penguins "fly" underwater at up to 25 miles per hour.
The catgut formerly used as strings in tennis rackets
and musical instruments does not come from cats.
Catgut actually comes from sheep, hogs, and horses.
The domestic cat is the only species able to hold its
tail vertically while walking. Wild cats hold their
tail horizontally, or tucked between their legs while
walking.
A group of herring is called a seige.
A group of jelly fish is called a smack.
A Holstein's spots are like a fingerprint or
snowflake. No two cows have exactly the same pattern
of spots.
The male penguin incubates the single egg laid by his
mate. During the two month period he does not eat, and
will lose up to 40% of his body weight.
The cat's brain needs so much energy to function that
over twenty percent of blood that the heart pumps goes
immediately to it.
Cats respond better to women than men. One reason this
might be is that women have higher pitched voices than
men.
Horseshoe crabs have existed in essentially the same
form for the past 135 million years. Their blood
provides a valuable test for the toxins that cause
septic shock, which previously led to half of all
hospital-acquired infections and one-fifth of all
hospital deaths.
The Pacific Giant Octopus, the largest octopus in the
world, grows from the size of pea to a 150 pound
behemoth potentially 30 feet across in only two years,
its entire life-span.
A cat sees about six times better than a human at
night because of the tapetum lucidum, a layer of extra
reflecting cells which absorb light.
Animal gestation periods: the shortest is the American
opossum, which bears its young 12 to 13 days after
conception; the longest is the Asiatic elephant,
taking 608 days, or just over 20 months.
A father sea catfish keeps the eggs of his young in
his mouth until they are ready to hatch. He will not
eat until his young are born, which may take several
weeks.
The first house rats recorded in America appeared in
Boston in 1775.
Australian termites have been known to build mounds
twenty feet high and at least 100 feet wide.
Camel milk does not curdle.
The oarfish, Regalecus glesne, is the longest bony
fish in the world. With its snakelike body_sporting a
magnificent red fin along its 50-foot length,
horselike face and blue gills, it accounts for many
sea-serpent sightings.
An adult lion's roar can be heard up to five miles
away, and warns off intruders or reunites scattered
members of the pride.
The stuff (allergens) that people are allergic to in
cats is a protein in cat saliva. When the cat grooms
and the saliva dries it can become airborn. This
protein is 1/3 the weight of ordinary housedust, so it
can travel farther. You can find this allergen where
cats have never been.
Cats step with both left legs, then both right legs
when they walk or run. The only other animals to do
this are the giraffe and the camel.
Many fish can change sex during the course of their
lives. Others, especially rare deep-sea fish, have
both male and female sex organs.
The cat was domesticated over 4,000 years ago. Today's
house cats are descended from wildcats in Africa and
Europe.
When a queen bee lays the fertilized eggs that will
develop into new queens, only one of the newly laid
queens actually survives. The first new queen that
emerges from her cell destroys all other queens in
their cells and, thereafter, reigns alone.
The remains of diatoms, algae with hard shells, are
used in making pet litter, cosmetics, pool filters and
tooth polish.
Despite its reputation for being finicky, the average
cat consumes about 127,750 calories a year, nearly 28
times its own weight in food and the same amount again
in liquids. In case you're wondering, cats cannot
survive on a vegetarian diet.
Over 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into
windows.
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."
"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."
"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
Ok, not to belabor the point, but remember that great quote that wasn't said by James A. Garfield (20th.President of the U.S.A)? Well, thanks to list member Rick "Sam_Mcduff" who tracked the source of the quote to Stanford president Donald Kennedy at commencement in 1991. Here is an expanded quote from him.
"The commitments that people make to values beyond the self are manifested in various ways - in their family and community life, in the way they treat any and all humans, in the goals and standards they set for themselves. There are men and women who make the world better just by being the kind of people they are. They have the gift of kindness or courage or loyalty or integrity. It really matters very little whether they are behind the wheel of a truck, or running a business, or bringing up a family. They teach the truth by living it."
- Donald Kennedy, President of Stanford
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Self-Image"
How to Lie to the Bathroom Scales
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps!)
7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Computer Career"
Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138 mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclassified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff. One day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was currently processing.
I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling the room. The computer is over there."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Curse
The plane was flying from Seattle to New York. The
young woman of 25 was seated next to a well dressed
lady in her 70's. The young woman found it difficult
to ignore the beautiful huge diamond that the elderly
passenger seated next to her was wearing. After a
while she could not resist making a comment about the
beautiful stone. That diamond on your finger is so
huge!"
The elderly lady smiled and said, "It is five carats
--the famous Nussbaum Diamond--it's worth almost a
million dollars!"
The young lady let out a screech of excitement--"Oh
how fantastic!"
The elderly lady continued. There is only one problem
with the Nussbaum Diamond, ---there is a curse that
goes with it!"
"What kind of a curse goes with the Nussbaum Diamond?"
The young lady yelled out over the engine noise.
The elderly woman smiled and answered--"Mr. Nussbaum!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DID YOU KNOW?
The world record frog jump is 33 feet 5.5 inches over
the course of 3 consecutive leaps, achieved in May
1977 by a South African sharp-nosed frog called
Santjie.
The average outdoor only cat has a lifespan of about
three years. Indoor only cats can live sixteen years
and longer.
Did you know that at Disneyland they have like
hundreds of wild domesticated cats running around the
park? They never come out during the day because
there's too many people, but the reason they're there
is to catch the mice.
The Maine Coon cat is America's only natural breed of
domestic feline.
Julius Caeser, Henri II, Charles XI and Napoleon all
had ailurophobia, a fear of cats.
Electric light or light from your TV set will make
your cat shed her fur.
According to experts, whale songs rhyme.
Both humans and cats have identical regions in the
brain responsible for emotion.
The oceans contain 99 percent of the living space on
the planet.
Penguins "fly" underwater at up to 25 miles per hour.
The catgut formerly used as strings in tennis rackets
and musical instruments does not come from cats.
Catgut actually comes from sheep, hogs, and horses.
The domestic cat is the only species able to hold its
tail vertically while walking. Wild cats hold their
tail horizontally, or tucked between their legs while
walking.
A group of herring is called a seige.
A group of jelly fish is called a smack.
A Holstein's spots are like a fingerprint or
snowflake. No two cows have exactly the same pattern
of spots.
The male penguin incubates the single egg laid by his
mate. During the two month period he does not eat, and
will lose up to 40% of his body weight.
The cat's brain needs so much energy to function that
over twenty percent of blood that the heart pumps goes
immediately to it.
Cats respond better to women than men. One reason this
might be is that women have higher pitched voices than
men.
Horseshoe crabs have existed in essentially the same
form for the past 135 million years. Their blood
provides a valuable test for the toxins that cause
septic shock, which previously led to half of all
hospital-acquired infections and one-fifth of all
hospital deaths.
The Pacific Giant Octopus, the largest octopus in the
world, grows from the size of pea to a 150 pound
behemoth potentially 30 feet across in only two years,
its entire life-span.
A cat sees about six times better than a human at
night because of the tapetum lucidum, a layer of extra
reflecting cells which absorb light.
Animal gestation periods: the shortest is the American
opossum, which bears its young 12 to 13 days after
conception; the longest is the Asiatic elephant,
taking 608 days, or just over 20 months.
A father sea catfish keeps the eggs of his young in
his mouth until they are ready to hatch. He will not
eat until his young are born, which may take several
weeks.
The first house rats recorded in America appeared in
Boston in 1775.
Australian termites have been known to build mounds
twenty feet high and at least 100 feet wide.
Camel milk does not curdle.
The oarfish, Regalecus glesne, is the longest bony
fish in the world. With its snakelike body_sporting a
magnificent red fin along its 50-foot length,
horselike face and blue gills, it accounts for many
sea-serpent sightings.
An adult lion's roar can be heard up to five miles
away, and warns off intruders or reunites scattered
members of the pride.
The stuff (allergens) that people are allergic to in
cats is a protein in cat saliva. When the cat grooms
and the saliva dries it can become airborn. This
protein is 1/3 the weight of ordinary housedust, so it
can travel farther. You can find this allergen where
cats have never been.
Cats step with both left legs, then both right legs
when they walk or run. The only other animals to do
this are the giraffe and the camel.
Many fish can change sex during the course of their
lives. Others, especially rare deep-sea fish, have
both male and female sex organs.
The cat was domesticated over 4,000 years ago. Today's
house cats are descended from wildcats in Africa and
Europe.
When a queen bee lays the fertilized eggs that will
develop into new queens, only one of the newly laid
queens actually survives. The first new queen that
emerges from her cell destroys all other queens in
their cells and, thereafter, reigns alone.
The remains of diatoms, algae with hard shells, are
used in making pet litter, cosmetics, pool filters and
tooth polish.
Despite its reputation for being finicky, the average
cat consumes about 127,750 calories a year, nearly 28
times its own weight in food and the same amount again
in liquids. In case you're wondering, cats cannot
survive on a vegetarian diet.
Over 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into
windows.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 22
THE MEETING OF THE DOGS
The dogs all met one Christmas.
They came from near and far.
Some dogs came by Greyhound Bus,
while others came by car.
The purpose of their meeting:
To fill the world with Glee,
and put a brand new puppy
under every Christmas tree.
But a special hall was rented,
and the landlord did declare
he didn't want them running 'round
just pooping everywhere.
So before inside that rented hall
the dogs could even look,
they had to take their hineys off
and hang them on a hook.
Then once inside the meeting --
each mother, son and sire --
some cat dressed in a dog suit
began to holler, "Fire!"
They all rushed out, that pack of dogs.
They had no time to look
to see which type of hiney
they grabbed off its little hook.
They got their hineys all mixed up.
It really made them sore,
to have to wear a hiney
they'd never worn before.
Then, once the chaos ended,
so did the dogs' grand scheme.
And kids who'd dreamed of puppies
were left with just a dream.
It's also why you'll see a dog
give up a juicy bone
to go and sniff a hiney,
to see if it's his own.
Anonymous (adapted by Lee Charles Kelley)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some Short 'ens...
As the plane was flying low over some hills near
Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that
stuff on those hills?"
"Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this
fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
*****
The company commander saw the results of Private
Gibbson's Firing exercise and his face fell. The
private exclaimed plaintively: "Sir, I think I am
going to commit suicide by shooting myself."
"By shooting?" asked the company commander, "Not a bad
idea! But take as many cartridges as possible."
*****
Little Bobbie had been pawing over a stationer's stock
of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked,
"Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday
greeting, message to a sick friend? An Anniversary, or
a congratulations to your mom and dad?"
Little Bobbie shook his head and answered, "Nope. Got
any blank report cards?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist
who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the
man began "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to
let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets
back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say..."
"I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked n on his prisoner
and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his
daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he
gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doctor! Doctor!
So the woman calls the town psychiatrist and cries,
"Doctor, you've got to come as soon as possible. My
husband is in really bad shape!"
The shrink rushes over.
The worried wife says, "Thank goodness you are here,
doctor. Just go down the hall. He's in the last room
on the right."
The shrink goes in the room and sees the woman's
husband sitting on the edge of the bathtub, dangling a
fishline in the toilet.
He goes back to the wife and says, "Yes, this is very
serious. But why didn't you call me sooner?"
"Who had time?" the wife asks. "I've been cleaning
fish all week."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Biblical Bumper Stickers
------------------------
Adam: "You are what you eat."
Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."
Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'. "
Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."
Moses: "From a basket case to the promised land."
Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody
happy."
Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"
At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"
At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cuff Links
The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a
corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One
was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they
look on a computer keyboard.
"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a
colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!
Received from Thomas Leiner.
The dogs all met one Christmas.
They came from near and far.
Some dogs came by Greyhound Bus,
while others came by car.
The purpose of their meeting:
To fill the world with Glee,
and put a brand new puppy
under every Christmas tree.
But a special hall was rented,
and the landlord did declare
he didn't want them running 'round
just pooping everywhere.
So before inside that rented hall
the dogs could even look,
they had to take their hineys off
and hang them on a hook.
Then once inside the meeting --
each mother, son and sire --
some cat dressed in a dog suit
began to holler, "Fire!"
They all rushed out, that pack of dogs.
They had no time to look
to see which type of hiney
they grabbed off its little hook.
They got their hineys all mixed up.
It really made them sore,
to have to wear a hiney
they'd never worn before.
Then, once the chaos ended,
so did the dogs' grand scheme.
And kids who'd dreamed of puppies
were left with just a dream.
It's also why you'll see a dog
give up a juicy bone
to go and sniff a hiney,
to see if it's his own.
Anonymous (adapted by Lee Charles Kelley)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some Short 'ens...
As the plane was flying low over some hills near
Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that
stuff on those hills?"
"Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this
fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
*****
The company commander saw the results of Private
Gibbson's Firing exercise and his face fell. The
private exclaimed plaintively: "Sir, I think I am
going to commit suicide by shooting myself."
"By shooting?" asked the company commander, "Not a bad
idea! But take as many cartridges as possible."
*****
Little Bobbie had been pawing over a stationer's stock
of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked,
"Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday
greeting, message to a sick friend? An Anniversary, or
a congratulations to your mom and dad?"
Little Bobbie shook his head and answered, "Nope. Got
any blank report cards?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist
who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the
man began "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to
let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets
back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say..."
"I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked n on his prisoner
and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his
daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he
gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Doctor! Doctor!
So the woman calls the town psychiatrist and cries,
"Doctor, you've got to come as soon as possible. My
husband is in really bad shape!"
The shrink rushes over.
The worried wife says, "Thank goodness you are here,
doctor. Just go down the hall. He's in the last room
on the right."
The shrink goes in the room and sees the woman's
husband sitting on the edge of the bathtub, dangling a
fishline in the toilet.
He goes back to the wife and says, "Yes, this is very
serious. But why didn't you call me sooner?"
"Who had time?" the wife asks. "I've been cleaning
fish all week."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Biblical Bumper Stickers
------------------------
Adam: "You are what you eat."
Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."
Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'. "
Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."
Moses: "From a basket case to the promised land."
Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody
happy."
Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"
At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"
At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cuff Links
The computer company, where my wife works, distributed a
corporate-clothing catalogue that included a pair of cuff links. One
was inscribed Ctrl (Control) and the other Esc (Escape), just as they
look on a computer keyboard.
"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a
colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!
Received from Thomas Leiner.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
hUMOR For Jan 21st
Criminal Lawyer
A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town,
obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks,
"Is there a criminal lawyer in town?"
To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, "Yes, but we
haven't been able to prove it yet!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Golf Discovery"
A wife was getting tired of her husband golfing every Saturday, so she decided to go with him to see what the attraction was.
His first drive of the day went into the rough, then his second shot bounced across the fairway into the lake. After retrieving his ball, his third shot wasn't any better. It went back across the fairway into the rough again.
After taking several more shots to finally reach the green, he turned to his wife and said,
"And you thought I was having a good time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"My dog treats me like family - the cats treat me like staff."
-- Ed Hector
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Church Buses"
Our local Catholic church has plans start a ministry similar to that used successfully by so many protestant churches.
They'll be bringing their parishioners to services by bus. They plan to call it "mass transit."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"So," the woman asked the detective she had hired, "did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out of the way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed the woman's face,"Aha!! Then I've got him!" she said, gloating." Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, " It's pretty clear that he was following you!"
A man walked into the local Chamber of Commerce of a small town,
obviously desperate. Seeing a man at the counter, the stranger asks,
"Is there a criminal lawyer in town?"
To which the man behind the counter immediately quipped, "Yes, but we
haven't been able to prove it yet!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Golf Discovery"
A wife was getting tired of her husband golfing every Saturday, so she decided to go with him to see what the attraction was.
His first drive of the day went into the rough, then his second shot bounced across the fairway into the lake. After retrieving his ball, his third shot wasn't any better. It went back across the fairway into the rough again.
After taking several more shots to finally reach the green, he turned to his wife and said,
"And you thought I was having a good time."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"My dog treats me like family - the cats treat me like staff."
-- Ed Hector
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Church Buses"
Our local Catholic church has plans start a ministry similar to that used successfully by so many protestant churches.
They'll be bringing their parishioners to services by bus. They plan to call it "mass transit."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"So," the woman asked the detective she had hired, "did you trail my husband?"
"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out of the way restaurant and then to an apartment."
A big smile crossed the woman's face,"Aha!! Then I've got him!" she said, gloating." Is there any doubt what he was doing?"
"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, " It's pretty clear that he was following you!"
Friday, January 20, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 20th
How to know if you are from Flori-DUH:
1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo,
Okemah, and Chickasha.
2. You think that people who complain about
the wind in their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to
go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars
waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to
"A/C" in the same day.
6. You know that the true value of a parking
space is not determined by the distance to the
door,
but
by the availability of shade.
7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
9. You think everyone from a bigger city has
an accent.
10. You measure distance in minutes. ("I'm
about 5 minutes away.")
11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as
"The City."
12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport
named for a m! an who died in an airplane crash.
13. Little smokies are something you serve
only for special occasions.
14. You go to the lake because you think it is
like going to the ocean.
15. You listen to the weather forecast before
picking out an outfit.
16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
17. Someone you know has used a football
schedule to plan their wedding date.
18. You have known someone who has had one
belt buckle bigger than your fist.
19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring
each
other
at a four- way stop, each determined! to be the most polite and let
the other go first.
20. You know in which state "Miam-uh" is and
in which state "Miam-ee" is.
21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental,
ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A
Ford F350 4x4 is.
24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you
learned how to multiply.
26. You actually get these jokes and are
"fixin" to send them to your friends..
27. Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you
have ever heard this conversation:
"You wanna Coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind? "
"Dr. Pecker."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"What's It Take?"
"What do you have to do to become a doctor?" my six-year-old granddaughter once asked.
Her dad, seeing an opportunity, said, "You have to do extremely well in school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, make the highest grades possible, and then go to med school, and follow that with an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you are, you can be anything you want to be."
Erin gave all this a moment's thought and then asked, "What do you have to do to be queen?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
OK, OK, OK - wow, who would have thought so many of you were truck experts! I know there were trucks around at the time when James Garfield was president, but I couldn't find any that were operated by someone behind a wheel, so I guess Tuesday's quote was a dud like Saturday's. Where does this all leave me? Unfortunately, hoping Peter Ustinov did die in 2004!
"I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized music in the world."
- Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Superstition"
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.
The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"
Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six
years old. Something of his had found its way into my
garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a
baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.
"How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one
look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it
right through that hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sense of Humor
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a
series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly.
Everybody, that is, except Mike.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss
said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?"
"My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm
quitting tomorrow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- A Recipe For Life
1 c. good thoughts
1 c. considerations for others
3 c. forgiveness
2 c. sacrifice for others
1 c. kind deeds
2 c. well-beaten thoughts
2 heaping cups patience
Mix these thoroughly and add tears of joy, sorrow, and
sympathy for others. Flavor with little gifts of love.
Fold in 4 cups of prayer and raise the texture to
great heights of Christian living. After pouring all
this into your daily life, bake well with the heat of
human kindness. SERVE WITH A SMILE.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boss, but not necessarily by merit...
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup,
hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid
the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy
leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he
wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the
wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and
replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and
screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and
don't come you back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked
around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell
me what that goof-off did here?"
>From across the room came a lone voice, "Pizza
delivery guy from Domino's."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Words of Wisdom
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING I am returning this
otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has
printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the
top. - English Professor, Ohio University
ON MARTIAL ARTS AND METAPHYSICS Deja Fu: The feeling
that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the
head like this before.
ON HUMILITY To err is human, to moo is bovine.
ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like a TV
without a screen.
ON YOUTH Some people say that I must be a horrible
person, but that's not at all true. I have the heart
of a young boy. ...In a jar.... On my desk. -- Steven
King
ON PROBLEM SOLVING When the only tool you own is a
hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
ON MATERIALISM He who dies with the most toys, is,
nonetheless, still dead.
ON INFINITY If you had everything, where would you
keep it?
ON ECONOMICS The cost of living hasn't affected its
popularity.
ON REVISIONIST HISTORY What was sliced bread the
greatest thing since?
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of
very weird people in any university.
ON EXTINCTION Save the whales. Eat broccili.
ON LITERATURE This is not a novel to be tossed aside
lightly. It should be thrown away with great force. --
Dorothy Parker
ON PROPHECY The meek shall inherit the earth -- they
are too weak to refuse.
ON WORLD POLITICS Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice
doggy" until you can find a rock.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Police! Police!
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a
barroom disturbance.
The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet
tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he
boasted that he could whip the deputy and the "Heavy
Weight Boxing Champion of the World."
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an
escape artist too, probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you
could show us how strong you really are. But all I've
got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how
quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked
for four minutes.
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked.
The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't
do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under
arrest."
1. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo,
Okemah, and Chickasha.
2. You think that people who complain about
the wind in their states are sissies.
3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to
go out in the yard and look for a funnel.
4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars
waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
5. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to
"A/C" in the same day.
6. You know that the true value of a parking
space is not determined by the distance to the
door,
but
by the availability of shade.
7. Stores don't have bags, they have sacks.
8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
9. You think everyone from a bigger city has
an accent.
10. You measure distance in minutes. ("I'm
about 5 minutes away.")
11. You refer to the capital of Oklahoma as
"The City."
12. It doesn't bother you to use an airport
named for a m! an who died in an airplane crash.
13. Little smokies are something you serve
only for special occasions.
14. You go to the lake because you think it is
like going to the ocean.
15. You listen to the weather forecast before
picking out an outfit.
16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.
17. Someone you know has used a football
schedule to plan their wedding date.
18. You have known someone who has had one
belt buckle bigger than your fist.
19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring
each
other
at a four- way stop, each determined! to be the most polite and let
the other go first.
20. You know in which state "Miam-uh" is and
in which state "Miam-ee" is.
21. You aren't surprised to find movie rental,
ammunition, and bait all in the same store.
22. Your "place at the lake" has wheels under it.
23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A
Ford F350 4x4 is.
24. You know everything goes better with Ranch.
25. You learned how to shoot a gun before you
learned how to multiply.
26. You actually get these jokes and are
"fixin" to send them to your friends..
27. Finally, you are 100% Oklahoman if you
have ever heard this conversation:
"You wanna Coke?"
"Yeah."
"What kind? "
"Dr. Pecker."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"What's It Take?"
"What do you have to do to become a doctor?" my six-year-old granddaughter once asked.
Her dad, seeing an opportunity, said, "You have to do extremely well in school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, make the highest grades possible, and then go to med school, and follow that with an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you are, you can be anything you want to be."
Erin gave all this a moment's thought and then asked, "What do you have to do to be queen?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
OK, OK, OK - wow, who would have thought so many of you were truck experts! I know there were trucks around at the time when James Garfield was president, but I couldn't find any that were operated by someone behind a wheel, so I guess Tuesday's quote was a dud like Saturday's. Where does this all leave me? Unfortunately, hoping Peter Ustinov did die in 2004!
"I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized music in the world."
- Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Superstition"
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.
The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"
Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six
years old. Something of his had found its way into my
garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a
baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.
"How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one
look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it
right through that hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sense of Humor
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a
series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly.
Everybody, that is, except Mike.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss
said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?"
"My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm
quitting tomorrow."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- A Recipe For Life
1 c. good thoughts
1 c. considerations for others
3 c. forgiveness
2 c. sacrifice for others
1 c. kind deeds
2 c. well-beaten thoughts
2 heaping cups patience
Mix these thoroughly and add tears of joy, sorrow, and
sympathy for others. Flavor with little gifts of love.
Fold in 4 cups of prayer and raise the texture to
great heights of Christian living. After pouring all
this into your daily life, bake well with the heat of
human kindness. SERVE WITH A SMILE.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boss, but not necessarily by merit...
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup,
hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid
the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy
leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he
wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the
wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and
replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and
screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and
don't come you back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked
around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell
me what that goof-off did here?"
>From across the room came a lone voice, "Pizza
delivery guy from Domino's."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Words of Wisdom
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING I am returning this
otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has
printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the
top. - English Professor, Ohio University
ON MARTIAL ARTS AND METAPHYSICS Deja Fu: The feeling
that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the
head like this before.
ON HUMILITY To err is human, to moo is bovine.
ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like a TV
without a screen.
ON YOUTH Some people say that I must be a horrible
person, but that's not at all true. I have the heart
of a young boy. ...In a jar.... On my desk. -- Steven
King
ON PROBLEM SOLVING When the only tool you own is a
hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail.
ON MATERIALISM He who dies with the most toys, is,
nonetheless, still dead.
ON INFINITY If you had everything, where would you
keep it?
ON ECONOMICS The cost of living hasn't affected its
popularity.
ON REVISIONIST HISTORY What was sliced bread the
greatest thing since?
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of
very weird people in any university.
ON EXTINCTION Save the whales. Eat broccili.
ON LITERATURE This is not a novel to be tossed aside
lightly. It should be thrown away with great force. --
Dorothy Parker
ON PROPHECY The meek shall inherit the earth -- they
are too weak to refuse.
ON WORLD POLITICS Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice
doggy" until you can find a rock.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Police! Police!
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a
barroom disturbance.
The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet
tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he
boasted that he could whip the deputy and the "Heavy
Weight Boxing Champion of the World."
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an
escape artist too, probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you
could show us how strong you really are. But all I've
got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how
quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked
for four minutes.
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked.
The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't
do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under
arrest."
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 18th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Apology Letter"
A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."
"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
Ok, you got me (not that I did it on purpose)! Yes, the Anglican Church was not around in the 1100's so there is no way that Saturday's quote is from the tomb of an Anglican Bishop from the 1100's. Here's hoping that James Garfield is actually the 20th President of the USA!
"There are men and women who make the world better just by being the kind of people they are. They have the gift of kindness or courage or loyalty or integrity. It really matters very little whether they are behind the wheel of a truck or running a business or bringing up a family. They teach the truth by living it."
- James A. Garfield, 20th.President of the U.S.A.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Honesty In Business"
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand. I wasn't surprised when a friend of my daughter showed me a Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she begged.
"I won't," I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"
She replied, "Honesty."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr.
Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for
sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago
lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable
lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the
early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting
strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when
well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in
place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment
for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for
using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required
to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student,
but could not inform the parents when a student became
pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten
Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses,
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, then she
spilled a bit in her lap and was awarded a huge financial
settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and
Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility;
and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My
Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was
gone.
Received from Tim Krell.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by simply using the sink. (Editor's Note:
This one is only funny if you TELL it to your family
members, not if you try it...)
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
andbleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a
hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache..
8. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what
The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools:
WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it
should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the
duct tape.
9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You
have another chance!
11. And finally... Be really good to your family and
friends. You never know when you are going to need
them to empty your bedpan.
12. "Thought for the Day: Our days are happier when we
give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of
our mind"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Twenty Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise
Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If
They Want Fries with That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It
"In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once
Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For
Sexual Favors" (sorry...ts)
7. Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With
The Prophecy."
8 dont use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't
Rhyme.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And
Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!,
I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The
Parking Lot, Yelling Run For Your Lives, They're
Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The
Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of
Insanity.......
20. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
It's Called Therapy...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Plane Stuff
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain
made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and
gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we
should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, sit
back and relax - OH, MY!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain
came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but,
while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a
cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should
see the back of mine!"
*****
On a Valu-Jet flight: "Sorry for the delay, but the
machine that rips the handles off your luggage is down
and we are having it repaired.
*****
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly
stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After
an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a
noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took
us awhile to find a new pilot."
"Apology Letter"
A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."
"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
Ok, you got me (not that I did it on purpose)! Yes, the Anglican Church was not around in the 1100's so there is no way that Saturday's quote is from the tomb of an Anglican Bishop from the 1100's. Here's hoping that James Garfield is actually the 20th President of the USA!
"There are men and women who make the world better just by being the kind of people they are. They have the gift of kindness or courage or loyalty or integrity. It really matters very little whether they are behind the wheel of a truck or running a business or bringing up a family. They teach the truth by living it."
- James A. Garfield, 20th.President of the U.S.A.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Honesty In Business"
Being a teenager and getting a tattoo seem to go hand in hand. I wasn't surprised when a friend of my daughter showed me a Japanese symbol on her hip. "Please don't tell my parents," she begged.
"I won't," I promised. "By the way, what does that stand for?"
She replied, "Honesty."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr.
Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for
sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago
lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable
lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the
early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting
strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when
well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in
place.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment
for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for
using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required
to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student,
but could not inform the parents when a student became
pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten
Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses,
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, then she
spilled a bit in her lap and was awarded a huge financial
settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and
Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility;
and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My
Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was
gone.
Received from Tim Krell.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat
and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly
removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by simply using the sink. (Editor's Note:
This one is only funny if you TELL it to your family
members, not if you try it...)
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
andbleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in
your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to
sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a
hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache..
8. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what
The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools:
WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it
should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the
duct tape.
9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You
have another chance!
11. And finally... Be really good to your family and
friends. You never know when you are going to need
them to empty your bedpan.
12. "Thought for the Day: Our days are happier when we
give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of
our mind"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Twenty Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise
Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If
They Want Fries with That.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It
"In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once
Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch To Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For
Sexual Favors" (sorry...ts)
7. Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With
The Prophecy."
8 dont use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't
Rhyme.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And
Play Tropical Sounds All Day.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!,
I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The
Parking Lot, Yelling Run For Your Lives, They're
Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The
Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of
Insanity.......
20. Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.
It's Called Therapy...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Plane Stuff
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain
made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and
gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we
should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, sit
back and relax - OH, MY!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain
came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but,
while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a
cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should
see the back of mine!"
*****
On a Valu-Jet flight: "Sorry for the delay, but the
machine that rips the handles off your luggage is down
and we are having it repaired.
*****
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly
stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After
an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a
noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took
us awhile to find a new pilot."
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 17th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When one wishes to unlock a door but has has only one hand
free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles Law)
A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys
inside. (Yale Law of Destiny)
When one's hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your
nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)
Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened.
(Insurance So Sorry Law)
When things seem to be going well, you've probably forgotten
to do something. (Cheney's Second Corollary)
When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't
followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)
If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's
probably because you have not realized the seriousness of
the problem. (Law of Gravitas)
Most problems are not created or solved; they only change
appearances. (Einstein's Law of Persistence)
You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs
up on you. (Principle of Dingaling)
Whenever you connect with the Internet, the call you've been
waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)
If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your
time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of
Wasteland)
The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is
exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law
of Pi Eyed)
The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is
directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of
Campbell Scoop)
Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause the
phone to ring. (Law of Yes Now)
Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the
doorbell to ring. (Law of Ding Dong)
Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of
one's hairdo. (The Don King Principle)
After discarding something not used for years, you will need
it one week later. (Law of Fatal Irreversibility)
Arriving early for an appointment will cause the
receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone
else has arrived before you. (Law of Delay)
Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you
won't come out alive anyway. (Theory of Absolute Certainty)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
'TWAS THE MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS
'Twas the month after Christmas
and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I go on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (Less a walk than a lumber),
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely Tared,
The wine and rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never say, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself: as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So-away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'til all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie-not even a lick;
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or com bread or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all
and to all a good diet!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the driveway is flooded, the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, there is still only one check in my check book,
I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dentist Bill
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm
shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."
"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared
away two other patients."
When one wishes to unlock a door but has has only one hand
free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles Law)
A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys
inside. (Yale Law of Destiny)
When one's hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your
nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)
Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened.
(Insurance So Sorry Law)
When things seem to be going well, you've probably forgotten
to do something. (Cheney's Second Corollary)
When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't
followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)
If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's
probably because you have not realized the seriousness of
the problem. (Law of Gravitas)
Most problems are not created or solved; they only change
appearances. (Einstein's Law of Persistence)
You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs
up on you. (Principle of Dingaling)
Whenever you connect with the Internet, the call you've been
waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)
If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your
time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of
Wasteland)
The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is
exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law
of Pi Eyed)
The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is
directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of
Campbell Scoop)
Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause the
phone to ring. (Law of Yes Now)
Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the
doorbell to ring. (Law of Ding Dong)
Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of
one's hairdo. (The Don King Principle)
After discarding something not used for years, you will need
it one week later. (Law of Fatal Irreversibility)
Arriving early for an appointment will cause the
receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone
else has arrived before you. (Law of Delay)
Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you
won't come out alive anyway. (Theory of Absolute Certainty)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
'TWAS THE MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS
'Twas the month after Christmas
and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I go on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (Less a walk than a lumber),
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely Tared,
The wine and rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never say, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself: as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So-away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'til all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie-not even a lick;
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or com bread or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all
and to all a good diet!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the driveway is flooded, the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, there is still only one check in my check book,
I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail. Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dentist Bill
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm
shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."
"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared
away two other patients."
Monday, January 16, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 16th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JDB: Wife 1.0 Tech Support Request
A Customer’s request- letter and Tech Support’s
reply
To:The Tech Support
Sub: Wife 1.0
Hi!
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
and noticed that the new program began unexpected
child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was
included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife
1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialization, where it
monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Boys' Night 2.5
and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the
system whenever they are selected. I cannot seem to
keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run some of my other favorite applications. I am
thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the
un-install does not work on this program. Can you help
me, please?
Thanks, Joe
................
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem men complain about but
is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES &
ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and designed by its creator to run everything. It is
unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still
convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files
within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to
emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is
impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program
files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0
is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install
Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more
problems than the original system. Look in your manual
under 'Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.' I recommend
you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest
you read the entire section regarding General
Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all
responsibility for faults and problems that might
occur, regardless of their cause.
The best course of action will be to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the
ESC key because ultimately you will have to give the
APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will
return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long
as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a
great program, but very high maintenance.
Consider buying additional software to improve the
performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and
Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances,
install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a
supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to
cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of Luck.
Tech Support
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to
recent bombings and have raised their security level
from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security
levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even
"A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross"
since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from
"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that
it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to
"Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's
white flag factory, effectively paralysing the
country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a
heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the
alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels
remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change
Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:
"Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as
usual, and the only threat they are worried about is
NATO pulling out of Brussels.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to J&G B: PERKS OF BEING OVER 60
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be
released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a
challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter
who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally
beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than
the national weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because
they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list -- and
you notice these are all in Big Print for your
convenience.
Thanks to JDB: Wife 1.0 Tech Support Request
A Customer’s request- letter and Tech Support’s
reply
To:The Tech Support
Sub: Wife 1.0
Hi!
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
and noticed that the new program began unexpected
child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was
included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife
1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
launches during system initialization, where it
monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Boys' Night 2.5
and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the
system whenever they are selected. I cannot seem to
keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run some of my other favorite applications. I am
thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the
un-install does not work on this program. Can you help
me, please?
Thanks, Joe
................
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem men complain about but
is mostly due to a primary misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES &
ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and designed by its creator to run everything. It is
unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still
convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files
within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to
emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is
impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program
files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0
is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install
Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more
problems than the original system. Look in your manual
under 'Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.' I recommend
you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest
you read the entire section regarding General
Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all
responsibility for faults and problems that might
occur, regardless of their cause.
The best course of action will be to enter the command
C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the
ESC key because ultimately you will have to give the
APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will
return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long
as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a
great program, but very high maintenance.
Consider buying additional software to improve the
performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and
Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances,
install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a
supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to
cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of Luck.
Tech Support
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to
recent bombings and have raised their security level
from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security
levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even
"A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross"
since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran
out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from
"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that
it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to
"Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's
white flag factory, effectively paralysing the
country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a
heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the
alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels
remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change
Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:
"Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as
usual, and the only threat they are worried about is
NATO pulling out of Brussels.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to J&G B: PERKS OF BEING OVER 60
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be
released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a
challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter
who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally
beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than
the national weather service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because
they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to
manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list -- and
you notice these are all in Big Print for your
convenience.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 15th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Apology Letter"
Lisa, my co-worker at the travel agency, needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug out the letter I'd written then.
"All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details, the date, and the name."
She looked it over and smiled wryly. "We won't even need to change the name."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Before I Was A Mom
Before I was a Mom, I slept as late as I wanted and
never worried about how late I got into bed. I brushed
my hair and my teeth everyday.
Before I was a Mom, I cleaned my house each day. I
never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were
poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on. Pooped
on. Spit on. Chewed on. Peed on. I had complete
control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom, I never held down a screaming
child so that doctors could do tests or give shots. I
never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got
gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up
late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom, I never held a sleeping baby just
because I didn't want to put it down. I never felt my
heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop
the hurt. I never knew that something so small could
affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love
someone so much. I never knew I would love being a
Mom.
Before I was a Mom, I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how
special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't
know that bond between a mother and her child. I
didn't know that something so small could make me feel
so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the
middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all
was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the
love, the heartache, the wonderment or the
satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was
capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.
anonymous
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Trust
Little girl and her father were crossing a bridge. The
father was kind of scared so he asked his little
daughter, "Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you
don't fall into the river." The little girl said, "No,
Dad. You hold my hand." "What's the difference?" Asked
the puzzled father. "There's a big difference,"
replied the little girl. "If I hold your hand and
something happens to me, chances are that I may let
your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure
that no matter what happens, you will never let my
hand go." In any relationship, the essence of trust is
not in its bind, but in its bond. So hold the hand of
the person whom you love rather than expecting them to
hold yours... True Friendship expects nothing in
return...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Math Trick
Here is a math trick that might get you thinking...
1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this
one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number
(NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer?
"Apology Letter"
Lisa, my co-worker at the travel agency, needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug out the letter I'd written then.
"All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details, the date, and the name."
She looked it over and smiled wryly. "We won't even need to change the name."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Before I Was A Mom
Before I was a Mom, I slept as late as I wanted and
never worried about how late I got into bed. I brushed
my hair and my teeth everyday.
Before I was a Mom, I cleaned my house each day. I
never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were
poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on. Pooped
on. Spit on. Chewed on. Peed on. I had complete
control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom, I never held down a screaming
child so that doctors could do tests or give shots. I
never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got
gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up
late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom, I never held a sleeping baby just
because I didn't want to put it down. I never felt my
heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop
the hurt. I never knew that something so small could
affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love
someone so much. I never knew I would love being a
Mom.
Before I was a Mom, I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how
special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't
know that bond between a mother and her child. I
didn't know that something so small could make me feel
so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the
middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all
was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the
love, the heartache, the wonderment or the
satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was
capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.
anonymous
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- Trust
Little girl and her father were crossing a bridge. The
father was kind of scared so he asked his little
daughter, "Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you
don't fall into the river." The little girl said, "No,
Dad. You hold my hand." "What's the difference?" Asked
the puzzled father. "There's a big difference,"
replied the little girl. "If I hold your hand and
something happens to me, chances are that I may let
your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure
that no matter what happens, you will never let my
hand go." In any relationship, the essence of trust is
not in its bind, but in its bond. So hold the hand of
the person whom you love rather than expecting them to
hold yours... True Friendship expects nothing in
return...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Math Trick
Here is a math trick that might get you thinking...
1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this
one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number
(NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer?
Saturday, January 14, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 14th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Little Susie, a six-year-old, came home from school whining,
"Mommy, I've got a stomachache."
"That's because your stomach is empty," her mother replied.
"You'd feel better if you had something in it." She gave
Susie a snack and sure enough, Susie felt better right away.
That afternoon the family's minister dropped by. While he
was chatting with Susie's mom, he mentioned he'd had a bad
headache all day long.
Susie perked up. "That's because it's empty," she said.
"You'd feel better if you had something in it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Head Check
One weekend my friend, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old
nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head.
Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night.
Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?" Soon,
he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room.
When Sally went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white on his
forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to
his forehead.
It read: "My name is Daniel."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When Bad Girls Turn Good
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been
fighting a lot this year. (This happens when you
combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is
always right, with a young adolescent.) Sarah's
parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound
interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old
that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when
children fight. This had little impact.
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your
misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the
phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother
asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real
line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line.
Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa
(Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But,
when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she
reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how
there would be no presents Christmas morning to
children who fought with their sisters. He would be
watching, and he expected things to be better from now
on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to
each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up
when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in
her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did
Santa say to you, dear?"
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly
stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my
sister this year."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Coming Downstairs
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's
annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times do I have I to
tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come
down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
"That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always come
down stairs like that."
"OK," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to my friend PW: Satan and Church Members
People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly,
Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone
started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away
from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without
moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you
know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked
Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man,
in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound
horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why
aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister
for 44 years."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: How Do Customer Service People Keep A
Straight Face?
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with
your
CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive,
right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer.
It's in
the CD player and all I get is weird noises.
Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
===============
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette
out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a
note.
Customer: No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it
yet...
it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the "my computer" icon on the
left of
the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen, pal -- don't start getting technical
on
me! I'm not Bill Gates!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't
print.
Every time I try, it says, "Can't find printer." I've
even
lifted the printer and placed it in front of the
monitor,
but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in
the
supermarket.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged in to the
computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces
back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged
in. Is
there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one
does
work.
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as
in
apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right
password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a
screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the
mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address,
but
how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a
problem
with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is
a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me
is
under a window, and his printer is working fine.
===============
And last but not least:....
Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and
escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in
the
middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring
up
the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P" ... on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Little Susie, a six-year-old, came home from school whining,
"Mommy, I've got a stomachache."
"That's because your stomach is empty," her mother replied.
"You'd feel better if you had something in it." She gave
Susie a snack and sure enough, Susie felt better right away.
That afternoon the family's minister dropped by. While he
was chatting with Susie's mom, he mentioned he'd had a bad
headache all day long.
Susie perked up. "That's because it's empty," she said.
"You'd feel better if you had something in it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Head Check
One weekend my friend, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old
nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head.
Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night.
Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?" Soon,
he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room.
When Sally went in at 5:00 A.M., she found something white on his
forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to
his forehead.
It read: "My name is Daniel."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When Bad Girls Turn Good
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been
fighting a lot this year. (This happens when you
combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is
always right, with a young adolescent.) Sarah's
parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound
interest in Santa Claus, reminded the two-year-old
that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when
children fight. This had little impact.
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your
misbehavior," the mother said as she picked up the
phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother
asked "Mrs. Claus" (really Sarah's aunt; Santa's real
line was busy) if she could put Santa on the line.
Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom described to Santa
(Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But,
when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she
reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how
there would be no presents Christmas morning to
children who fought with their sisters. He would be
watching, and he expected things to be better from now
on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to
each of Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up
when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in
her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did
Santa say to you, dear?"
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly
stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my
sister this year."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Coming Downstairs
Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's
annoyance. "Teddy," he called, "how many more times do I have I to
tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come
down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.
"That's better," said his father, "now in future will you always come
down stairs like that."
"OK," said Teddy. "I slid down the railing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to my friend PW: Satan and Church Members
People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly,
Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone
started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away
from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without
moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you
know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked
Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man,
in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound
horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why
aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister
for 44 years."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: How Do Customer Service People Keep A
Straight Face?
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with
your
CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive,
right?
Customer: Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer.
It's in
the CD player and all I get is weird noises.
Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
===============
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette
out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a
note.
Customer: No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it
yet...
it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the "my computer" icon on the
left of
the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen, pal -- don't start getting technical
on
me! I'm not Bill Gates!
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't
print.
Every time I try, it says, "Can't find printer." I've
even
lifted the printer and placed it in front of the
monitor,
but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in
the
supermarket.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged in to the
computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces
back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged
in. Is
there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one
does
work.
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as
in
apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right
password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a
screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the
mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address,
but
how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a
problem
with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is
a
good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me
is
under a window, and his printer is working fine.
===============
And last but not least:....
Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and
escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in
the
middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring
up
the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P" ... on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
Friday, January 13, 2006
hUMOR For FRIDAY 13th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"License Picture"
A traffic cop stopped a woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment, he said, "You know something? This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face."
"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Cybersalt Digest
This Cybersalt Digest was sent to brandous@pitel.net
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Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
Today's CleanLaugh. - "License Picture"
A traffic cop stopped a woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment, he said, "You know something? This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face."
"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."
Today's Quote
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."
- Henry Ford
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Annoyances"
1. When something is "new and improved," which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
2. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." What good is a stupid cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
3. When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
4. When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that?" No, I paid $12.00 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?
5. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(With apologies to my personal physician... Of course this
doesn't apply to you! :) )
What the doctor says: "This should be taken care of right
away."
What the doctor is thinking: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii
next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want
to fix it before it cures itself.
What the doctor says: "Welllllll, what have we here?"
What the doctor is thinking: He has no idea and is hoping
you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history." -- I want to see if
you've paid your last bill before spending any more time
with you.
"We have some good news and some bad news." -- The good news
is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're
going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops." -- Maybe in a few days it will
grow into something that can be cured.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
-- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of
time. -- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another
office visit.
"Let me schedule you for some tests." -- I have a forty
percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." -- I'm writing a paper
and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." -- I
don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound." -- I think I'm going
to throw up.
"This may hurt a little." -- Last week two patients bit off
their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" -- I'm
stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up." -- The drug company slipped me
some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal." -- Rats! I guess I can't
buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests." -- I can't figure out
what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"There is a lot of that going around." -- That's the third
one this week! I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." --
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm
off next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vacation Cut
Before going on vacation, I decided on the spur of the moment to have
my very long, permed hair cut to a very short style shaved to the neck.
My first day back, I passed my boss in the hallway. "Did you miss
me?" I asked.
"Miss you?" he echoed. "Who are you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a
interview for a good paying job. The company boss
asked various questions about him and his education,
but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked
it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken
it to the interview!) and realised he wouldn't get the
job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he
was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift
horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The
next day, he went in and asked why he got the job,
even though he got such a simple question wrong. The
boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the
closest..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A New Hospital Wing
Recently, when a panel of doctors at our local
hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this
is what happened....
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot
of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a
misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole
thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face
on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a
gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
The HMOs killed it anyway...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing
of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the
nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but
the guy standing next to me was the only male to
venture a number.
"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.
"This must not be your first," I said.
"Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."
"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I
asked.
He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked
what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor
tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young
girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her
at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two
drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their
briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite
concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't
eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their
shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
"License Picture"
A traffic cop stopped a woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment, he said, "You know something? This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face."
"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Cybersalt Digest
This Cybersalt Digest was sent to brandous@pitel.net
To manage your subscription (which includes unsubscribing)
Follow the instructions at the very end of this e-mail.
Help keep the Cybersalt Digest free by visiting today's sponsor . . .
FACT: Spyware and Adware programs on the Internet
can infect your PC.
Here are 9 warning signs that indicate
your computer is most likely infected:
http://www.cybersalt.net/rdnuker.htm
Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
Today's CleanLaugh. - "License Picture"
A traffic cop stopped a woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment, he said, "You know something? This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face."
"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."
Today's Quote
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."
- Henry Ford
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Annoyances"
1. When something is "new and improved," which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
2. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." What good is a stupid cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
3. When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
4. When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that?" No, I paid $12.00 to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?
5. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(With apologies to my personal physician... Of course this
doesn't apply to you! :) )
What the doctor says: "This should be taken care of right
away."
What the doctor is thinking: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii
next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want
to fix it before it cures itself.
What the doctor says: "Welllllll, what have we here?"
What the doctor is thinking: He has no idea and is hoping
you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history." -- I want to see if
you've paid your last bill before spending any more time
with you.
"We have some good news and some bad news." -- The good news
is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're
going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops." -- Maybe in a few days it will
grow into something that can be cured.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
-- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of
time. -- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another
office visit.
"Let me schedule you for some tests." -- I have a forty
percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." -- I'm writing a paper
and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." -- I
don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound." -- I think I'm going
to throw up.
"This may hurt a little." -- Last week two patients bit off
their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" -- I'm
stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up." -- The drug company slipped me
some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal." -- Rats! I guess I can't
buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests." -- I can't figure out
what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"There is a lot of that going around." -- That's the third
one this week! I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." --
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm
off next week.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vacation Cut
Before going on vacation, I decided on the spur of the moment to have
my very long, permed hair cut to a very short style shaved to the neck.
My first day back, I passed my boss in the hallway. "Did you miss
me?" I asked.
"Miss you?" he echoed. "Who are you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a
interview for a good paying job. The company boss
asked various questions about him and his education,
but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked
it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken
it to the interview!) and realised he wouldn't get the
job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he
was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift
horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The
next day, he went in and asked why he got the job,
even though he got such a simple question wrong. The
boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the
closest..."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A New Hospital Wing
Recently, when a panel of doctors at our local
hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this
is what happened....
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot
of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a
misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole
thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face
on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a
gas.
And the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
The HMOs killed it anyway...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing
of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the
nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but
the guy standing next to me was the only male to
venture a number.
"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.
"This must not be your first," I said.
"Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."
"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I
asked.
He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked
what his future holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor
tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young
girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her
at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two
drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their
briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite
concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't
eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their
shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
hUMKOR For Jan. 12
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Excuses, Excuses
Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative
excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the
officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had
been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there,"
he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was
not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver
whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went
by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79
mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor,"
he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this
fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're
going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill
Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you
been? It's 65 now."
One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was
getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Bad Day Sign"
You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says,
"Today is Nerd Day at school, Pop. Can I borrow some of your clothes?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"If Alexander Graham Bell had a teenage daughter, he never would have invented the telephone."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Quarter Horse"
One evening while I was preparing dinner, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for homework help on her vocabulary words. "Mom," she asked, "what's a quarter horse?"
As I thought of a simple explanation, my five-year-old son piped up, "It's the one they have in front of the grocery store."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JUST CURIOUS
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma
answered, "Thirty-nine and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "And how old
would you be if you let go?"
THE TITHING
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the
ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came
near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy.
I'm under five."
THE BLESSING
The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do
you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," he replied. "We don't have to. My mom is a good
cook!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a preacher who said, "Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?"
"Hang on, Padre" spluttered Murphy. "How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgment when you've never tasted the stuff?"
"Very well," said the man of the cloth. "I'll taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass."
"Okay," said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.
"I'll have a large gin," he said to the barman. "And can you put it in a cup?"
"Good grief," said the barman, "that preacher's not outside again is he?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get your thinking cap on, a horrible pun
follows...Take Out Talk
A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and
sits down to wait for his food. While he waits, he
grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the
counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice
say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE
choice!"
Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and
doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to
him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his
mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin',
my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He
glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which
he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of
peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That
suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look.
I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my
tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that?
Am I GOING CRAZY??"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the
peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at
the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, "?they're complimentary."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TRUE E-MAIL ADDICT
There's dust on all the furniture; the garden's gone
to seeds.
The hamper's full of dirty clothes; the lawn is
growing weeds.
The clothes I wear are wrinkled, for an iron they
haven't seen.
The vacuum cleaner sits unused; my house is far from
clean.
We mostly live on take-out foods. I have no time to
cook.
I'm not sure what remains undone, and I'm afraid to
look.
What takes my time and energy? You ask in wonderment.
What causes fascination, and what makes my life
content?
What do I feel compelled to check a dozen times a day?
What causes such delight I simply cannot stay away?
What keeps my phone line tied up, so a busy tone you
get?
In case you haven't guessed by now -- I'm on the
Internet.
My E-mail holds me spellbound, and an Addict I must
be,
For I can't wait to find out what my Inbox holds for
me.
So please forget the things you have in mind for me to
do.
I'll maybe think about them when my E-mail tasks are
through.
[swiped by] Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...Ross PROUD
father of an American Soldier
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats: Senior Version of Jesus
Loves Me
Jesus loves me, this I know
Though my hair is white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim
Still He bids me trust in him.
(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES. JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though my steps are oh, so slow.
With my hand in his I'll go
On through life, let come what may He'll be there too
lead the way
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though I am no longer young,
I have much which he's begun
Let me serve Christ with a smile.
Go with other's the" extra mile
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart he puts a song,
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have not fear, for I am near."
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
When my work on earth is done,
And life's vic'tries have been won
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand his love
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
I love Jesus, does he know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say
That I love him every day.
Yes, I love Jesus,
Yes, I love Jesus,
Yes, I love Jesus
I'll trust Him and obey!
If you think this is neat, please pass it on to all of
your Senior friends, after all we are all God's
children.
Excuses, Excuses
Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative
excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the
officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had
been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there,"
he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was
not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver
whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went
by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79
mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor,"
he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this
fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're
going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill
Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you
been? It's 65 now."
One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was
getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Bad Day Sign"
You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says,
"Today is Nerd Day at school, Pop. Can I borrow some of your clothes?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"If Alexander Graham Bell had a teenage daughter, he never would have invented the telephone."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Quarter Horse"
One evening while I was preparing dinner, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for homework help on her vocabulary words. "Mom," she asked, "what's a quarter horse?"
As I thought of a simple explanation, my five-year-old son piped up, "It's the one they have in front of the grocery store."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JUST CURIOUS
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma
answered, "Thirty-nine and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "And how old
would you be if you let go?"
THE TITHING
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the
ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came
near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy.
I'm under five."
THE BLESSING
The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do
you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," he replied. "We don't have to. My mom is a good
cook!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a preacher who said, "Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?"
"Hang on, Padre" spluttered Murphy. "How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgment when you've never tasted the stuff?"
"Very well," said the man of the cloth. "I'll taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass."
"Okay," said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.
"I'll have a large gin," he said to the barman. "And can you put it in a cup?"
"Good grief," said the barman, "that preacher's not outside again is he?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get your thinking cap on, a horrible pun
follows...Take Out Talk
A man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and
sits down to wait for his food. While he waits, he
grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the
counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice
say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE
choice!"
Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and
doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to
him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his
mouth.
Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin',
my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"
He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He
glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which
he tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of
peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That
suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"
He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look.
I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my
tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that?
Am I GOING CRAZY??"
"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the
peanuts."
"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at
the bowl beside him.
"Yes," replies the waiter, "?they're complimentary."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TRUE E-MAIL ADDICT
There's dust on all the furniture; the garden's gone
to seeds.
The hamper's full of dirty clothes; the lawn is
growing weeds.
The clothes I wear are wrinkled, for an iron they
haven't seen.
The vacuum cleaner sits unused; my house is far from
clean.
We mostly live on take-out foods. I have no time to
cook.
I'm not sure what remains undone, and I'm afraid to
look.
What takes my time and energy? You ask in wonderment.
What causes fascination, and what makes my life
content?
What do I feel compelled to check a dozen times a day?
What causes such delight I simply cannot stay away?
What keeps my phone line tied up, so a busy tone you
get?
In case you haven't guessed by now -- I'm on the
Internet.
My E-mail holds me spellbound, and an Addict I must
be,
For I can't wait to find out what my Inbox holds for
me.
So please forget the things you have in mind for me to
do.
I'll maybe think about them when my E-mail tasks are
through.
[swiped by] Yer Hillbilly friend in TN...Ross PROUD
father of an American Soldier
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats: Senior Version of Jesus
Loves Me
Jesus loves me, this I know
Though my hair is white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim
Still He bids me trust in him.
(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES. JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though my steps are oh, so slow.
With my hand in his I'll go
On through life, let come what may He'll be there too
lead the way
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though I am no longer young,
I have much which he's begun
Let me serve Christ with a smile.
Go with other's the" extra mile
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart he puts a song,
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have not fear, for I am near."
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
When my work on earth is done,
And life's vic'tries have been won
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand his love
(chorus)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME YES, JESUS LOVES ME
YES, JESUS LOVES ME THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
I love Jesus, does he know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say
That I love him every day.
Yes, I love Jesus,
Yes, I love Jesus,
Yes, I love Jesus
I'll trust Him and obey!
If you think this is neat, please pass it on to all of
your Senior friends, after all we are all God's
children.
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