!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Tator Garden
An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to
spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in
prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and
mentioned his situation.
Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks
like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this
year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your
mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting
too old to digging up a garden plot.
If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I
know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in
prison. Love, Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram: "For
Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's
where I buried the GUNS!" At 4a.m. the next morning, A
dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up
and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son
telling him what happened, and asked him what to do
next. His son's reply was: "Go ahead and plant your
potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you from
here."
- Moral Of the Story -
NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN THE WORLD, IF YOU HAVE
DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING DEEP FROM YOUR HEART, YOU CAN
DO IT.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you hear about the crossword puzzle addict who
died and was
buried six feet down ahd three across?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend... Simple Misunderstanding
Soon after my 16-year-old sister started working after
school as a grocery-store cashier, I went to see how
she was doing.
I tried to make myself inconspicuous as I waited to
check out my purchases. Ahead of me was a young man
who was flirting with my sister. Both embarrassed and
amused by his advances, she continued to ring up his
groceries. Finally the persistent fellow ventured,
"Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"
Oblivious to his questions and adhering to her
employee training, she asked him, "How will you be
paying?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash
after years of war with the Hittites. His last great
possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most
valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he
went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.
Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King
protested. Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes
no difference who you are."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Q. Why do blondes leave empty milk cartons in their
refrigerator?
A. In case someone wants black coffee.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boating Jargon...
Scuttlebutt - A butt was a barrel. Scuttle meant to
chop a hole in something. The scuttlebutt was a water
barrel with a hole cut into it so that sailors could
reach in and dip out drinking water. The scuttlebutt
was the place where the ship's gossip was exchanged.
Garbled - Garbling was the prohibited practice of
mixing rubbish with the cargo. A distorted, mixed up
message was said to be garbled.
No Great Shakes - When casks became empty they were
"shaken" (taken apart) so the pieces, called shakes,
could be stored in a small space. Shakes had very
little value.
Fly-by-Night - A large sail used only for sailing
downwind and requiring rather little attention.
Start Over with a Clean Slate - A slate tablet was
kept near the helm on which the watch keeper would
record the speeds, distances, headings and tacks
during the watch. If there were no problems during the
watch, the slate would be wiped clean so that the new
watch could start over with a clean slate
Let the Cat Out of the Bag - In the Royal Navy the
punishment prescribed for most serious crimes was
flogging. This was administered by the Bosun's Mate
using whip called a cat o' nine tails. The "cat" was
kept in a leather or baize bag. It was considered bad
news indeed when the cat was let out of the bag. Other
sources attribute the expression to the old english
market scam of selling someone a pig in a poke (bag)
when the pig turned out to be a cat instead.
Taking the wind out of his sails - Sailing in a manner
so as to steal or divert wind from another ship's
sails.
Son of a Gun - When in port, and with the crew
restricted to the ship for any extended period of
time, wives and ladies of easy virtue often were
allowed to live aboard along with the crew.
Infrequently, but not uncommonly, children were born
aboard, and a convenient place for this was between
guns on the gun deck. If the child's father was
unknown, they were entered in the ship's log as "son
of a gun".
A Square Meal - In good weather, crews' mess was a
warm meal served on square wooden platters.
The Devil to Pay - To pay the deck seams meant to seal
them with tar. The devil seam was the most difficult
to pay because it was curved and intersected with the
straight deck planking. Some sources define the
"devil" as the below-the-waterline-seam between the
keel and the adjoining planking.Paying the Devil was
considered to be a most difficult and unpleasant task.
Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea - The devil
seam was the curved seam in the deck planking closest
to the side of the ship and next to the scupper
gutters. If a sailor slipped on the deck, he could
find himself between the devil and the deep blue sea.
Above Board - Anything on or above the open deck. If
something is open and in plain view, it is above
board.
Under the Weather - If a crewman is standing watch on
the weather side of the bow, he will be subject to the
constant beating of the sea and the ocean spray. He
will be under the weather.
Slush Fund - A slushy slurry of fat was obtained by
boiling or scraping the empty salted meat storage
barrels. This stuff called "slush" was often sold
ashore by the ship's cook for the benefit of himself
or the crew. The money so derived became known as a
slush fund.
Toe the Line - When called to line up at attention,
the ship's crew would form up with their toes touching
a seam in the deck planking.
The Bitter End - The end of an anchor cable is
fastened to the bitts at the ship's bow. If all of the
anchor cable has been payed out you have come to the
bitter end.
Pipe Down - Means stop talking and be quiet. The Pipe
Down was the last signal from the Bosun's pipe each
day which meant "lights out" and "silence".
Pipe Down - Means stop talking and be quiet. The Pipe
Down was the last signal from the Bosun's pipe each
day which meant "lights out" and "silence".
Footloose - The bottom portion of a sail is called the
foot. If it is not secured, it is footloose and it
dances randomly in the wind.
To Know the Ropes - There were miles and miles of
cordage in the rigging of a square rigged ship. The
only way of keeping track of and knowing the function
of all of these lines was to know where they were
located. It took an experienced seaman to know the
ropes.
Over the Barrel - The most common method of punishment
aboard ship was flogging. The unfortunate sailor was
tied to a grating, mast or over the barrel of a deck
cannon.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Centipede
A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to
buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, (100-legged bug),
which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church
with me today?
We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again
"How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he
waited a few minutes more,thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up
against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey,
in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The
Lord!?"
A little voice came out of the box:................... "I heard you
the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes."
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Monday, January 09, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 9th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sarahrella
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started
using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy
godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and
proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again,
with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her
third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.
"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Restaurant Service"
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
- Anonymous
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Sin"
A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist. After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack.
The patient responded, "Don't be ridiculous. The attack lasted only 6 hours."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Arkansas Deer Hunter -- Devoted
Husband
A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season
in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A huge buck
walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and
took careful aim.
Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed
at a funeral procession passing on the road below
their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow,
took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes
in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most
thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You
are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for
35 years."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to GCFL: Beginning School
Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with
a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about
the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him
of the new friends he'd meet, and so on.
When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and
came back home with a lot of glowing reports about
school.
The next morning when his mother woke him up, he
asked, "What for?" She told him it was time to get
ready for school.
"What? Again?" he asked.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to a reluctant JP -- Kentucky Women
The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused
about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his
secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated
from The Kentucky University and I need some help. If
I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Kentucky women.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Priorities
A group of Kentucky friends went deer hunting and
paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the
hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of
an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of
miles back up the trail," the successful hunter
replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer
back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no
one is going to steal Henry!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Timing
A senior at Kentucky was overheard saying... "When the
end of the world comes, I hope to be in Kentucky."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Kentucky
because everything happens in Kentucky 20 years later
than in the rest of the civilized world.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Observant
The young man from Kentucky came running into the
store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just
stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got
the license number."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: NEWS FLASH!
Kentucky's worst air disaster occurred when a small
two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Kentucky
University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier
today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300
bodies so far and expect the number to climb as
digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the
recovery efforts.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: And My Favorite
A man in Kentucky had a flat tire, pulled off on the
side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of
flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he
got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so
curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you
to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I
never did understand it either."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"2nd Try "
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days.
Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m. things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just got home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply "It's after seven o'clock!"
Sarahrella
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started
using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy
godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and
proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again,
with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her
third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.
"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Restaurant Service"
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
- Anonymous
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Sin"
A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist. After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack.
The patient responded, "Don't be ridiculous. The attack lasted only 6 hours."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Arkansas Deer Hunter -- Devoted
Husband
A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season
in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A huge buck
walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and
took careful aim.
Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed
at a funeral procession passing on the road below
their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow,
took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes
in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most
thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You
are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for
35 years."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to GCFL: Beginning School
Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with
a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about
the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him
of the new friends he'd meet, and so on.
When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and
came back home with a lot of glowing reports about
school.
The next morning when his mother woke him up, he
asked, "What for?" She told him it was time to get
ready for school.
"What? Again?" he asked.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to a reluctant JP -- Kentucky Women
The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused
about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his
secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated
from The Kentucky University and I need some help. If
I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Kentucky women.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Priorities
A group of Kentucky friends went deer hunting and
paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the
hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of
an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of
miles back up the trail," the successful hunter
replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer
back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no
one is going to steal Henry!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Timing
A senior at Kentucky was overheard saying... "When the
end of the world comes, I hope to be in Kentucky."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Kentucky
because everything happens in Kentucky 20 years later
than in the rest of the civilized world.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Observant
The young man from Kentucky came running into the
store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just
stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got
the license number."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: NEWS FLASH!
Kentucky's worst air disaster occurred when a small
two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Kentucky
University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier
today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300
bodies so far and expect the number to climb as
digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the
recovery efforts.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: And My Favorite
A man in Kentucky had a flat tire, pulled off on the
side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of
flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he
got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so
curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you
to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I
never did understand it either."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"2nd Try "
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days.
Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m. things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just got home, and start all over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply "It's after seven o'clock!"
Sunday, January 08, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 8th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sarahrella
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started
using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy
godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and
proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again,
with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her
third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.
"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Restaurant Service"
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
- Anonymous
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Sin"
A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist. After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack.
The patient responded, "Don't be ridiculous. The attack lasted only 6 hours."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Arkansas Deer Hunter -- Devoted
Husband
A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season
in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A huge buck
walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and
took careful aim.
Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed
at a funeral procession passing on the road below
their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow,
took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes
in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most
thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You
are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for
35 years."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to GCFL: Beginning School
Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with
a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about
the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him
of the new friends he'd meet, and so on.
When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and
came back home with a lot of glowing reports about
school.
The next morning when his mother woke him up, he
asked, "What for?" She told him it was time to get
ready for school.
"What? Again?" he asked.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to a reluctant JP -- Kentucky Women
The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused
about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his
secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated
from The Kentucky University and I need some help. If
I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Kentucky women.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Priorities
A group of Kentucky friends went deer hunting and
paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the
hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of
an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of
miles back up the trail," the successful hunter
replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer
back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no
one is going to steal Henry!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Timing
A senior at Kentucky was overheard saying... "When the
end of the world comes, I hope to be in Kentucky."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Kentucky
because everything happens in Kentucky 20 years later
than in the rest of the civilized world.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Observant
The young man from Kentucky came running into the
store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just
stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got
the license number."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: NEWS FLASH!
Kentucky's worst air disaster occurred when a small
two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Kentucky
University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier
today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300
bodies so far and expect the number to climb as
digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the
recovery efforts.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: And My Favorite
A man in Kentucky had a flat tire, pulled off on the
side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of
flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he
got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so
curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you
to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I
never did understand it either."
Sarahrella
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started
using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy
godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them."
Her mom first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and
proclaimed the request fulfilled.
Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again,
with a sweep of the pinwheel, Sarah obliged.
The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her
third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again."
The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly.
"I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Restaurant Service"
The restaurant where I took my two sons for a meal was crowded with fans watching a sporting event on television.
The harried waitress took our order, but more than half an hour passed with no sign of her return.
I was trying to keep my kids from becoming restless when suddenly shouts of victory came from the bar.
"Hey," commented my 11-year-old, "it sounds as if someone just got his food."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused."
- Anonymous
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Sin"
A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist. After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack.
The patient responded, "Don't be ridiculous. The attack lasted only 6 hours."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Arkansas Deer Hunter -- Devoted
Husband
A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season
in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. A huge buck
walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and
took careful aim.
Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed
at a funeral procession passing on the road below
their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow,
took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes
in prayer.
His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most
thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You
are the kindest man I have ever known."
The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for
35 years."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to GCFL: Beginning School
Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with
a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about
the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him
of the new friends he'd meet, and so on.
When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and
came back home with a lot of glowing reports about
school.
The next morning when his mother woke him up, he
asked, "What for?" She told him it was time to get
ready for school.
"What? Again?" he asked.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to a reluctant JP -- Kentucky Women
The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused
about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his
secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated
from The Kentucky University and I need some help. If
I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Kentucky women.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Priorities
A group of Kentucky friends went deer hunting and
paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the
hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of
an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of
miles back up the trail," the successful hunter
replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer
back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no
one is going to steal Henry!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Timing
A senior at Kentucky was overheard saying... "When the
end of the world comes, I hope to be in Kentucky."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Kentucky
because everything happens in Kentucky 20 years later
than in the rest of the civilized world.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: Observant
The young man from Kentucky came running into the
store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just
stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got
the license number."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: NEWS FLASH!
Kentucky's worst air disaster occurred when a small
two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Kentucky
University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier
today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300
bodies so far and expect the number to climb as
digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the
recovery efforts.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to JP: And My Favorite
A man in Kentucky had a flat tire, pulled off on the
side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of
flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he
got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so
curious he turned around and went back. He asked the
fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you
to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I
never did understand it either."
Saturday, January 07, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 7th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sermon Feedback"
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Cybersalt Digest
This Cybersalt Digest was sent to brandous@pitel.net
To manage your subscription (which includes unsubscribing)
Follow the instructions at the very end of this e-mail.
Here's a new way to help keep the Cybersalt Digest free . . .
We all search the web!
Now you can search with Google AND support Pastor Tim and the Cybersalt sites! When you use the Cybersalt search page, Google will give some $upport to Cybersalt!
Please use the following page for all your searching on the internet.
http://www.cybersalt.org/search.htm
Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
Today's CleanLaugh - "Sermon Feedback"
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
Today's Oneliner
"What makes airport security think they can find something in my wife's purse when she can't?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Photos"
I got a package envelope in the mail the other day that had written on the front, "Photographs: Do Not Bend."
Underneath the mailman wrote, "Oh, yes they do."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a
backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine
invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors and
occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.
"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good
thing comes out of this drinking?"
"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider.
"It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was very pregnant, and it was rotten luck when, several days before my due date, my husband fell from the porch roof, sprained both ankles and was restricted to crutches. So when I went into labor and he couldn't drive, I took the wheel, stopping every time I had a contraction.
Finally, we got to the hospital. I dropped him at the maternity entrance, and he hobbled off to the admitting desk, where the nurse told him to go to the emergency room.
No, it's my wife," he told her. "She's in Labor."
"Where is she?" the nurse asked.
"She's parking the car and bringing in the bags."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's Time
Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was
wearing a watch when I visited. Later, when I was putting on my coat
to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at his watch
blankly, then brightened. "It's time for you to go," he answered triumphantly.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GCFL: A musical director was having a lot of
trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and
talked with the drummer, but his performance simply
didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a
musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't
improve when given help, they take away the
instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a
drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section:
"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one
of his sticks and make him a conductor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
******************************************************
Thanks to TC: To get the full effect, this should be
read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds'
means by the end of the conversation. This has been
nominated for the best email of 2005.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel
guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was
recorded and published in the Far East Economic
Review:
*****
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor
sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled
please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
*****
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know
what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow
Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying
'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
*****
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad!?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy..tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish
moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Giljo: Resigning as Adult
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an
adult. I have decided I would like to accept the
responsibilities of an eight-year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a
four-star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and
make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you
can eat them.
I want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a
hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple, when
all you knew were colors, multiplication tables and
nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you because you
didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy, because you were
blissfully unaware of all the things that should make
you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is
honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to
be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly
excited by the little things again.
I want to live simply again. I don't want my day to
consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork,
depressing news, how to survive when there are more
days in the month than there is money in the bank,
doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind
word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination,
mankind and making angels in the snow.
So here are my checkbook and my car keys, my credit
card bills and my 401(k) statements. I am officially
resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have
to catch me first because, "Tag! You're it!"
"Sermon Feedback"
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Cybersalt Digest
This Cybersalt Digest was sent to brandous@pitel.net
To manage your subscription (which includes unsubscribing)
Follow the instructions at the very end of this e-mail.
Here's a new way to help keep the Cybersalt Digest free . . .
We all search the web!
Now you can search with Google AND support Pastor Tim and the Cybersalt sites! When you use the Cybersalt search page, Google will give some $upport to Cybersalt!
Please use the following page for all your searching on the internet.
http://www.cybersalt.org/search.htm
Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
Today's CleanLaugh - "Sermon Feedback"
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
Today's Oneliner
"What makes airport security think they can find something in my wife's purse when she can't?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Photos"
I got a package envelope in the mail the other day that had written on the front, "Photographs: Do Not Bend."
Underneath the mailman wrote, "Oh, yes they do."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a
backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine
invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors and
occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.
"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good
thing comes out of this drinking?"
"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider.
"It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was very pregnant, and it was rotten luck when, several days before my due date, my husband fell from the porch roof, sprained both ankles and was restricted to crutches. So when I went into labor and he couldn't drive, I took the wheel, stopping every time I had a contraction.
Finally, we got to the hospital. I dropped him at the maternity entrance, and he hobbled off to the admitting desk, where the nurse told him to go to the emergency room.
No, it's my wife," he told her. "She's in Labor."
"Where is she?" the nurse asked.
"She's parking the car and bringing in the bags."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's Time
Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was
wearing a watch when I visited. Later, when I was putting on my coat
to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at his watch
blankly, then brightened. "It's time for you to go," he answered triumphantly.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GCFL: A musical director was having a lot of
trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and
talked with the drummer, but his performance simply
didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a
musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't
improve when given help, they take away the
instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a
drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section:
"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one
of his sticks and make him a conductor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
******************************************************
Thanks to TC: To get the full effect, this should be
read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds'
means by the end of the conversation. This has been
nominated for the best email of 2005.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel
guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was
recorded and published in the Far East Economic
Review:
*****
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor
sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled
please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
*****
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know
what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow
Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying
'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
*****
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad!?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy..tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish
moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Giljo: Resigning as Adult
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an
adult. I have decided I would like to accept the
responsibilities of an eight-year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a
four-star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and
make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you
can eat them.
I want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a
hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple, when
all you knew were colors, multiplication tables and
nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you because you
didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy, because you were
blissfully unaware of all the things that should make
you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is
honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to
be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly
excited by the little things again.
I want to live simply again. I don't want my day to
consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork,
depressing news, how to survive when there are more
days in the month than there is money in the bank,
doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind
word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination,
mankind and making angels in the snow.
So here are my checkbook and my car keys, my credit
card bills and my 401(k) statements. I am officially
resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have
to catch me first because, "Tag! You're it!"
Friday, January 06, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 6th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Eye Contact"
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"God does not owe us an explanation for everything. Besides, explanations don't take away the pain. Even when we know why a tragedy happens, it still hurts. It is more helpful to ask 'How' and 'What.' How can I grow from this situation, and what does God want me to learn from it?"
- Rick Warren
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Honesty"
Ernest Shackleton's recruiting advertisement for his 1912 Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition:
"Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success."
If Shackleton were advertising in the 2000's:
"Members wanted for adventure trek. Low cost, cool sights, lots of fun nights, thrills galore, insurance available. Get your picture in Outdoor magazine."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a
convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car
and asks the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde
convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with
your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few
more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure
enough sees herself.
She hands the compact to the blonde cop. After a few seconds
looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands
the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says,
"If you would have told me you were a police officer when I
first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole
thing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device,
trade named: BOOK
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no
wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be
connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child
can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even
sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful
enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's
how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of
information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit
device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their
correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use
both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density
and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for
further increases in information density; for now, BOOKs
with more information simply use more pages.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information
directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to
the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used
merely by opening it.
Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires
rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or
stepped on without damage. However, it can become unusable
if immersed in water for a significant period of time. The
"browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet
and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an
"index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of
selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to
the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if
the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design
standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by
various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can
be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous
views at once. The number is limited only by the number of
pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries
with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib
Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a
precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal
seems so certain that thousands of content creators have
committed to the platform and investors are reportedly
flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scavenger Hunt
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a
list. "Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still
need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used
carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Cowboy Boots!
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping
one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy
boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even
with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on.
Finally, when the 2nd boot was on, she had worked up a
sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said,
"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any
easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them
on. She managed to keep her cool as together they
worked to get the boots back on, this time on the
right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit
her tongue rather than get right in his face and
scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
And, once again she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they
got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's
boots. My Mom made me wear them."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But,
she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to
wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are
your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
Her trial starts next month.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to TC: WARNING!
A new scam is being pulled with mainly older men
targeted. What happens is that when you stop for a red
light a young, nude woman comes up and starts washing
your windshield. While she is doing this, an
accomplice opens your back door and steals anything in
the car. They are very good at this. They got me 7
times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to
find them on Sunday.
"Eye Contact"
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"God does not owe us an explanation for everything. Besides, explanations don't take away the pain. Even when we know why a tragedy happens, it still hurts. It is more helpful to ask 'How' and 'What.' How can I grow from this situation, and what does God want me to learn from it?"
- Rick Warren
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Honesty"
Ernest Shackleton's recruiting advertisement for his 1912 Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition:
"Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success."
If Shackleton were advertising in the 2000's:
"Members wanted for adventure trek. Low cost, cool sights, lots of fun nights, thrills galore, insurance available. Get your picture in Outdoor magazine."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a
convertible sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car
and asks the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde
convertible driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with
your picture on it." The blonde driver searches for a few
more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it, and sure
enough sees herself.
She hands the compact to the blonde cop. After a few seconds
looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands
the compact back to the blonde convertible driver, and says,
"If you would have told me you were a police officer when I
first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole
thing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device,
trade named: BOOK
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no
wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be
connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child
can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even
sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful
enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's
how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of
information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit
device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their
correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use
both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density
and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for
further increases in information density; for now, BOOKs
with more information simply use more pages.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information
directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to
the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used
merely by opening it.
Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires
rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or
stepped on without damage. However, it can become unusable
if immersed in water for a significant period of time. The
"browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet
and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an
"index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of
selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to
the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if
the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design
standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by
various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can
be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous
views at once. The number is limited only by the number of
pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries
with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib
Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a
precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal
seems so certain that thousands of content creators have
committed to the platform and investors are reportedly
flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Scavenger Hunt
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a
list. "Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still
need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used
carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: Cowboy Boots!
Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping
one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy
boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even
with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on.
Finally, when the 2nd boot was on, she had worked up a
sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said,
"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any
easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them
on. She managed to keep her cool as together they
worked to get the boots back on, this time on the
right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit
her tongue rather than get right in his face and
scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.
And, once again she struggled to help him pull the
ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they
got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's
boots. My Mom made me wear them."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But,
she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to
wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are
your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
Her trial starts next month.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to TC: WARNING!
A new scam is being pulled with mainly older men
targeted. What happens is that when you stop for a red
light a young, nude woman comes up and starts washing
your windshield. While she is doing this, an
accomplice opens your back door and steals anything in
the car. They are very good at this. They got me 7
times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to
find them on Sunday.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 5th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats for a funny one... WHO SAYS
REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT?
“Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
“I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob
Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's
house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but
find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left..
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SK: Politically Correct 3 Little Pigs
Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together in
mutual respect and in harmony with their environment.
Using materials that were indigenous to the area they
each built a beautiful house. One pig built a house of
straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung,
clay and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in
a small kiln.
When they were finished, the pigs were satisfied with
their work and settled back to live in peace and
self-determination.
But their idyll was soon shattered.
One day, along came a big, bad wolf with expansionist
ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both a
physical and ideological sense.
When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of
straw.
The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door,
shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"
The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no
fear for pigs defending their homes and culture."
But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was
his manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew
down the house of straw.
The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with
the wolf in hot pursuit.
Where the house had stood, other wolves bought up the
land and started a banana plantation.
At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the
door and shouted, "Little, pigs, little pigs, let me
in!"
The pigs shouted back, "Go away, you carnivorous,
imperialistic oppressor!"
At this the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the
house of sticks.
The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf
close at their heels.
Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves
built a time- share condo resort complex for
vacationing wolves, with each unit a fiberglass
reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as
native curio shops, snorkeling and dolphin shows.
At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the
door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me
in!"
This time in response, the pigs sang songs of
solidarity and wrote letters of protest to the United
Nations.
By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal
to see the situation from the carnivore's point of
view.
So he huffed and puffed, and huffed and puffed, then
grabbed his chest and fell over dead from a massive
heart attack brought on from eating too many fatty
foods.
The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had
triumphed and did a little dance around the corpse of
the wolf.
Their next step was to liberate their homeland.
They gathered together a band of other pigs who had
been forced off their lands.
This new brigade of porcinistas attacked the resort
complex with machine-guns and rocket launchers and
slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear
signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in
their internal affairs.
Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with
free education, universal health care and affordable
housing for everyone.
Please note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical
construct. No actual wolves were harmed in the writing
of the story.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Haircut ID"
I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
- Jack Lemmon
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"High School Math"
A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher,
"I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Preserve thyself.
2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.
3. A penny saved is an oversight.
4. Information deteriorates upward.
5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.
8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.
9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Picking Up Clothes
Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's
room, a mother finally laid down the law. Each item of clothing she
had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.
By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money
promptly, along with a 50-cent tip and a note that read:
"Thanks, Mom. Keep up the good work!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning
submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are
asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
01. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
02. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
03. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
04. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
05. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
06. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
07. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
08. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
09. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up
after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die,
your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Thanks to M/M Riverrats for a funny one... WHO SAYS
REDNECKS AREN'T REAL BRIGHT?
“Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
“I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob
Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's
house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but
find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left..
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SK: Politically Correct 3 Little Pigs
Once there were 3 little pigs who lived together in
mutual respect and in harmony with their environment.
Using materials that were indigenous to the area they
each built a beautiful house. One pig built a house of
straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung,
clay and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in
a small kiln.
When they were finished, the pigs were satisfied with
their work and settled back to live in peace and
self-determination.
But their idyll was soon shattered.
One day, along came a big, bad wolf with expansionist
ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both a
physical and ideological sense.
When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of
straw.
The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door,
shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"
The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no
fear for pigs defending their homes and culture."
But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was
his manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew
down the house of straw.
The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with
the wolf in hot pursuit.
Where the house had stood, other wolves bought up the
land and started a banana plantation.
At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the
door and shouted, "Little, pigs, little pigs, let me
in!"
The pigs shouted back, "Go away, you carnivorous,
imperialistic oppressor!"
At this the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the
house of sticks.
The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf
close at their heels.
Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves
built a time- share condo resort complex for
vacationing wolves, with each unit a fiberglass
reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as
native curio shops, snorkeling and dolphin shows.
At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the
door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me
in!"
This time in response, the pigs sang songs of
solidarity and wrote letters of protest to the United
Nations.
By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal
to see the situation from the carnivore's point of
view.
So he huffed and puffed, and huffed and puffed, then
grabbed his chest and fell over dead from a massive
heart attack brought on from eating too many fatty
foods.
The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had
triumphed and did a little dance around the corpse of
the wolf.
Their next step was to liberate their homeland.
They gathered together a band of other pigs who had
been forced off their lands.
This new brigade of porcinistas attacked the resort
complex with machine-guns and rocket launchers and
slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear
signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in
their internal affairs.
Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with
free education, universal health care and affordable
housing for everyone.
Please note: The wolf in this story was a metaphorical
construct. No actual wolves were harmed in the writing
of the story.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Haircut ID"
I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
- Jack Lemmon
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"High School Math"
A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher,
"I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Preserve thyself.
2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.
3. A penny saved is an oversight.
4. Information deteriorates upward.
5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.
8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.
9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Picking Up Clothes
Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son's
room, a mother finally laid down the law. Each item of clothing she
had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.
By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money
promptly, along with a 50-cent tip and a note that read:
"Thanks, Mom. Keep up the good work!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning
submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are
asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
01. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
02. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
03. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
04. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
05. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
06. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
07. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
08. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
09. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up
after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die,
your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 4th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Paper Walls"
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.
"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"The opposite of joy is not sorrow, it is unbelief."
- Leslie Wetherhead
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Honesty"
Sam and George go to the bank to cash their paychecks.
After Sam cashes his check George hands the young teller his check. He moves away from the teller, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"
The cashier says: Sir, you stepped away from the counter. There's nothing I can do about it now."
George says nothing and joins Sam who says: "She's got some nerve, you should complain to the manager!"
"Oh no," George says, "in fact I was going to tell her that I just thought you'd like to know she gave me ten dollars too much."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New Diet
Needing to shed a few pounds, my wife and I went on a diet that had
specific recipes for each meal of the day. We followed the
instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our
individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was
wonderful -- we never even felt hungry! But soon we realized we were
gaining weight, not losing it. Checking the recipes again, we found
it. There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Many Thanks to MAK:
Thank you all so very much!!!
A special thanks to all those forwards I have received
in 2005....
As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt
appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the
time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past
12 months.
Thank you for making me feel safe; secure, blessed,
and wealthy.
Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times
to get to the message.
Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat
crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go
get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink
Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi, or DR Pepper, since the
people who make these products are atheists who won't
put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with
AIDS.
I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though
I smell like a Water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages
by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in
disguise.
I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill
with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and
Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus, since I now have their recipe.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What kind of paper makes you itch? Scratch paper.
Why is a tree loud? Because of its bark! (Sydney, 7)
How did the pretzel maker increase business? With a
new twist (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Where does a vampire take a shower? In the bat-room!
(Anjelika, 10)
Where do hamburgers go to dance? To a meat-ball!
(Kasey, 6)
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he
no
longer lived in Eden? Your mother ate us out of house
and home.
If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have
branches?
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside
of a dog, it's too dark to read. (Groucho Marx)
For a fish, the end of a barbed hook is the "point" of
no return.
If you run through a screen door you'll strain
yourself.
One plastic surgeon to another: My daughter gets her
good looks from me.
Little Johnny's teacher asked him to make up a
sentence using the words, 'bitter end.' Johnny thought
for a moment and replied, "Our dog chased our cat and
he bitter end."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to MAK:
When at last I took the time to look into the heart of
a flower, it opened up a whole new world.....a world
where every country walk would be an adventure, where
every garden would become an enchanted one. ~Princess
Grace of Monaco
What activities in your life help transport you from
the mundane to the marvelous? Looking into the heart
of a flower may not work for you. Perhaps what works
for you is watching a professional athlete.....whether
it's a football player or a golfer or a
gymnast.....move with precision and grace.
Diabetes management doesn't have to be the focus of
your days. The focus of each day is the wonder, joy,
and fulfillment that can be found when we really seek
meaning in our moments. Life is the focus of our
lives. Diabetes management is really just a task we
need to complete so that we can enjoy life.
Have a great week! Mary Alice
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>From LBS: January---Twas The Month After Christmas
Twas the month after Christmas,
and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me,
not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled,
the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties,
had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales,
there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store,
(less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous,
meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces,
and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls,
the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said,
"No, thank you, please."
As I dressed myself,
in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again,
to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself,
as I only can
"You can spend a winter
disguised as a man!"
So-away with the last,
of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake,
every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food,
that I like must be banished
Till all the additional,
ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie,
not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew,
on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits,,
or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot,
and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome,
and life is a bore-
But isn't that what,
January is for?
Unable to giggle,
no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all,
and to all a good diet!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.
? º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies,
I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
This is the best one.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book
and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"
"Paper Walls"
As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.
Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.
"Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"The opposite of joy is not sorrow, it is unbelief."
- Leslie Wetherhead
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Honesty"
Sam and George go to the bank to cash their paychecks.
After Sam cashes his check George hands the young teller his check. He moves away from the teller, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"
The cashier says: Sir, you stepped away from the counter. There's nothing I can do about it now."
George says nothing and joins Sam who says: "She's got some nerve, you should complain to the manager!"
"Oh no," George says, "in fact I was going to tell her that I just thought you'd like to know she gave me ten dollars too much."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New Diet
Needing to shed a few pounds, my wife and I went on a diet that had
specific recipes for each meal of the day. We followed the
instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our
individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was
wonderful -- we never even felt hungry! But soon we realized we were
gaining weight, not losing it. Checking the recipes again, we found
it. There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Many Thanks to MAK:
Thank you all so very much!!!
A special thanks to all those forwards I have received
in 2005....
As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt
appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the
time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past
12 months.
Thank you for making me feel safe; secure, blessed,
and wealthy.
Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times
to get to the message.
Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat
crap in the glue on envelopes cause I now have to go
get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink
Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi, or DR Pepper, since the
people who make these products are atheists who won't
put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with
AIDS.
I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though
I smell like a Water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages
by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in
disguise.
I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill
with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and
Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change
once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus, since I now have their recipe.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What kind of paper makes you itch? Scratch paper.
Why is a tree loud? Because of its bark! (Sydney, 7)
How did the pretzel maker increase business? With a
new twist (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Where does a vampire take a shower? In the bat-room!
(Anjelika, 10)
Where do hamburgers go to dance? To a meat-ball!
(Kasey, 6)
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he
no
longer lived in Eden? Your mother ate us out of house
and home.
If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have
branches?
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside
of a dog, it's too dark to read. (Groucho Marx)
For a fish, the end of a barbed hook is the "point" of
no return.
If you run through a screen door you'll strain
yourself.
One plastic surgeon to another: My daughter gets her
good looks from me.
Little Johnny's teacher asked him to make up a
sentence using the words, 'bitter end.' Johnny thought
for a moment and replied, "Our dog chased our cat and
he bitter end."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to MAK:
When at last I took the time to look into the heart of
a flower, it opened up a whole new world.....a world
where every country walk would be an adventure, where
every garden would become an enchanted one. ~Princess
Grace of Monaco
What activities in your life help transport you from
the mundane to the marvelous? Looking into the heart
of a flower may not work for you. Perhaps what works
for you is watching a professional athlete.....whether
it's a football player or a golfer or a
gymnast.....move with precision and grace.
Diabetes management doesn't have to be the focus of
your days. The focus of each day is the wonder, joy,
and fulfillment that can be found when we really seek
meaning in our moments. Life is the focus of our
lives. Diabetes management is really just a task we
need to complete so that we can enjoy life.
Have a great week! Mary Alice
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>From LBS: January---Twas The Month After Christmas
Twas the month after Christmas,
and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me,
not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled,
the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties,
had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales,
there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store,
(less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous,
meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces,
and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls,
the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said,
"No, thank you, please."
As I dressed myself,
in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again,
to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself,
as I only can
"You can spend a winter
disguised as a man!"
So-away with the last,
of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake,
every cracker and chip.
Every last bit of food,
that I like must be banished
Till all the additional,
ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie,
not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew,
on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits,,
or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot,
and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome,
and life is a bore-
But isn't that what,
January is for?
Unable to giggle,
no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all,
and to all a good diet!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.
? º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies,
I don't have to. My mom is a good cook."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?
This is the best one.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book
and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
hUMOR For Jan 3rd
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Birthday-Anniversary"
A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a 'birthday/anniversary card.' The clerk replied, 'We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?'
The man said, 'You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events. You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday.'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"How come you never see Cupid with a girlfriend?"
Today's Oneliner
"How come you never see Cupid with a girlfriend?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Tank-Top"
"I don't know why my wife is mad at me for the tank top she wanted for her Christmas present. I found the turret but just could not get anyone to sell me the howitzer."
- Lawrence Brotherton
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I figure with enough time and effort, anyone could be a
system administrator. Really, it's not hard -- it just takes
practice, methodology, and trial and error. A lot of trial
and error. These truths will certainly get you on your way.
Let's get started.
#1 - Users Lie
Oh yes, they do. Don't think you're immune either. Have you
ever been on a tech support call, convinced that you know
the problem, and the guy on the phone says something like
"Would you put in the recovery CD, restart, and scan your
memory?" "Oh, I've tried that," you say with eyes rolling.
Believe it or not, sometimes we crazy admin peeps suggest
these fixes because they work. When a user protests my
assessment, I politely insist that they do what I asked
until the doing is done.
#2 - Email Is the Lifeblood of Non-Techies
I love my non-techie brethren -- I mean, how else would I
know what happened on the OC and Gilmore Girls? -- but at
the end of the day, email is #1 in their book. Now a lot of
it is business related, and certainly that shouldn't be
taken lightly, but most likely they were waiting on a warm,
fuzzy message from their daughter or sister and really
needed their email back up ASAP ("I'm waiting on a
proposal!" they screech -- see #1).
#3 - Printers Are Bad
Ever had to clean a laser or, God forbid, an inkjet printer?
It's like stabbing yourself in the eye. It's not just the
grime either -- it's the fallacy that a little chunk of ink
could make the machine just stop working. Ninety percent of
the time (or better), this isn't the case (instead, check
the fuser/print heads).
#4 - Cleanliness Is Godliness
Ever open up a PC and see the Ghost of Dust Bunnies Past in
there? It's scary stuff, I tell you. I've seen some PCs
begin to lock up "for absolutely no reason" while the
innards tell you something different. Sure, Peggy in
Accounting wasn't stuffing her machine full of cloth, but
that blanket she keeps at her feet will slowly shed and the
PC fans suck that stuff right up. When you're completely
stumped, make sure there isn't something inside gunking up
the works.
#5 - Backups Are Crucial
This needs to be said. I've been caught unprepared on this
one a few times myself. Backup, Backup, Backup! Nothing (and
I mean nothing) will bite you like a poor backup schema. If
your server dies right now as you read this post, what are
you going to do about it? Do you know where the install
discs are, do you have a configuration backup, and do you
know who to contact regarding tech support on that box? If
not, you need to get your act together before you have a
disaster and a lot of excuses and apologies following it.
#6 - Switches and Hubs (Usually) Die One Port at a Time
You can spend hours tracking down a bad network card or
cable just to figure out that a port in a switch has died.
You're pinging and pinging and looking; the lights are on
but nobody's home. The trick here is to know that a single
port doesn't spell the end of the hardware; quite the
contrary. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. If a
port does go out, that hub or switch may work for years
without another outage, but do be sure to stuff an RJ45
connector in that bad port so you don't forget (and chase
down phantom problems) in the future.
#7 - No One Ever Got Fired for Buying Microsoft
So sad but so true. This old saying used to reference IBM,
but oh how times have changed. Linux may be powerful, but
the command prompt and configuration files and file system
obscurity will just as soon get you a pink slip if something
goes wrong and no one knows how to fix it but you. Even so,
with as much stupidity as we admins have to put up with on a
daily basis, configuring some of the "high-end" Microsoft
software is enough to drive you insane. Ever tried
installing Exchange Server or, worse, installing Exchange
Server and migrating a 5.5 install to Exchange 2000? I feel
your pain -- oh, how I feel your pain.
#8 - Politeness > Brevity
You can come up with all sorts of analogies for this one.
You'll get more bees with honey, a spoonful of sugar, etc.
But generally, you probably have very little day-to-day
contact with end users. This means that when you do finally
get to speak to one of those souls fortunate enough to login
to your domain (both figuratively and literally), you should
be sure to be as polite as possible about it. Even if the
network is down. Even if the server is having weird,
irrational problems. Use please, thank you, I'm sorry, and
don't be too proud to apologize or "make nice" with those
who may ultimately influence your career path down the line.
The peon you insult today with "I sent an email about this;
do you not check your own email?" could very well climb the
corporate ladder and let you go in a few years. Mind your
manners, peeps.
#9 - Know Your Needs
This one could also be called "Learn Linux." Many admins get
wooed into the idea that "managed solutions" are always the
correct ones. A web interface on a switch is cute, but
rarely useful. A huge Cisco router may not always be
necessary; sometimes a "lo-fi" approach is best. When you
want a spam solution, before looking at $5,000 servers and
huge licensing fees for Windows Server software, take a look
at one of those old "junk" PCs you have in the closet,
download your favorite distro of Linux, and install procmail
and spamassassin. You (and your budget) will thank me later.
#10 - The Holy Grail of Tech Support
…is the reboot. Rebooting can cure ailments of all sorts: it
can stop network troubles and crashing computers, find
missing documents, and rescue cats in trees. System admins
all over the world have, by and large, trained their users
to reboot before even calling support. I mean, when's the
last time you didn't reboot to see if it cured a problem? If
you're not, then you're either stubborn or you're an admin
who knows better. Rebooting doesn't cure all ailments, but
it cures so many of them that it's hard to not throw out a
"Can you reboot for me?" to the end user when they call with
some off-the-wall issue. Use and abuse as necessary.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, counsel. Those who can't counsel, administrate. Those who can't administrate, enter data into the computer. Those who can't enter data into the computer, take dictation. Those who can't take dictation, alphabetize files. Those who can't alphabetize files, answer the phone. Those who can't answer the phone, fry hamburgers. Those who can't fry hamburgers, run the cash register. Those who can't run the cash register, wait on tables. Those who can't wait on tables, carry dirty dishes to the kitchen. Those who can't carry dirty dishes to the kitchen, wash the dirty dishes. Those who can't wash dirty dishes, peel potatoes. Those who can't peel potatoes, buff the floor. Those who can't buff the floor, haul out the garbage. Those who can't haul out the garbage, write poetry. Those who can't write poetry, write clever letters to the editor. Those who can't write clever letters to the editor, write angry letters to the editor. Those who can't write angry letters to the editor, spray-paint graffiti. Those who can't spray-paint graffiti, write screenplays. Those who can't write screenplays, write TV scripts. Those who can't write TV scripts, read scripts for the studios. Those who can't read scripts for the studios, act. Those who can't act, take acting classes. Those who can't take acting classes, sing. Those who can't sing, sing Rock'N'Roll. Those who can't sing Rock'N'Roll, sing it anyway. Those who can't sing it anyway, become depressed. Those who can't become depressed, get bitter. Those who can't get bitter, get confused. Those who can't get confused, stay confused. Those who stay confused, find it difficult to complete unfinished sentences. Those who find it difficult to complete unfinished sentences, _____________.
"Birthday-Anniversary"
A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a 'birthday/anniversary card.' The clerk replied, 'We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?'
The man said, 'You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events. You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday.'
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"How come you never see Cupid with a girlfriend?"
Today's Oneliner
"How come you never see Cupid with a girlfriend?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Tank-Top"
"I don't know why my wife is mad at me for the tank top she wanted for her Christmas present. I found the turret but just could not get anyone to sell me the howitzer."
- Lawrence Brotherton
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I figure with enough time and effort, anyone could be a
system administrator. Really, it's not hard -- it just takes
practice, methodology, and trial and error. A lot of trial
and error. These truths will certainly get you on your way.
Let's get started.
#1 - Users Lie
Oh yes, they do. Don't think you're immune either. Have you
ever been on a tech support call, convinced that you know
the problem, and the guy on the phone says something like
"Would you put in the recovery CD, restart, and scan your
memory?" "Oh, I've tried that," you say with eyes rolling.
Believe it or not, sometimes we crazy admin peeps suggest
these fixes because they work. When a user protests my
assessment, I politely insist that they do what I asked
until the doing is done.
#2 - Email Is the Lifeblood of Non-Techies
I love my non-techie brethren -- I mean, how else would I
know what happened on the OC and Gilmore Girls? -- but at
the end of the day, email is #1 in their book. Now a lot of
it is business related, and certainly that shouldn't be
taken lightly, but most likely they were waiting on a warm,
fuzzy message from their daughter or sister and really
needed their email back up ASAP ("I'm waiting on a
proposal!" they screech -- see #1).
#3 - Printers Are Bad
Ever had to clean a laser or, God forbid, an inkjet printer?
It's like stabbing yourself in the eye. It's not just the
grime either -- it's the fallacy that a little chunk of ink
could make the machine just stop working. Ninety percent of
the time (or better), this isn't the case (instead, check
the fuser/print heads).
#4 - Cleanliness Is Godliness
Ever open up a PC and see the Ghost of Dust Bunnies Past in
there? It's scary stuff, I tell you. I've seen some PCs
begin to lock up "for absolutely no reason" while the
innards tell you something different. Sure, Peggy in
Accounting wasn't stuffing her machine full of cloth, but
that blanket she keeps at her feet will slowly shed and the
PC fans suck that stuff right up. When you're completely
stumped, make sure there isn't something inside gunking up
the works.
#5 - Backups Are Crucial
This needs to be said. I've been caught unprepared on this
one a few times myself. Backup, Backup, Backup! Nothing (and
I mean nothing) will bite you like a poor backup schema. If
your server dies right now as you read this post, what are
you going to do about it? Do you know where the install
discs are, do you have a configuration backup, and do you
know who to contact regarding tech support on that box? If
not, you need to get your act together before you have a
disaster and a lot of excuses and apologies following it.
#6 - Switches and Hubs (Usually) Die One Port at a Time
You can spend hours tracking down a bad network card or
cable just to figure out that a port in a switch has died.
You're pinging and pinging and looking; the lights are on
but nobody's home. The trick here is to know that a single
port doesn't spell the end of the hardware; quite the
contrary. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. If a
port does go out, that hub or switch may work for years
without another outage, but do be sure to stuff an RJ45
connector in that bad port so you don't forget (and chase
down phantom problems) in the future.
#7 - No One Ever Got Fired for Buying Microsoft
So sad but so true. This old saying used to reference IBM,
but oh how times have changed. Linux may be powerful, but
the command prompt and configuration files and file system
obscurity will just as soon get you a pink slip if something
goes wrong and no one knows how to fix it but you. Even so,
with as much stupidity as we admins have to put up with on a
daily basis, configuring some of the "high-end" Microsoft
software is enough to drive you insane. Ever tried
installing Exchange Server or, worse, installing Exchange
Server and migrating a 5.5 install to Exchange 2000? I feel
your pain -- oh, how I feel your pain.
#8 - Politeness > Brevity
You can come up with all sorts of analogies for this one.
You'll get more bees with honey, a spoonful of sugar, etc.
But generally, you probably have very little day-to-day
contact with end users. This means that when you do finally
get to speak to one of those souls fortunate enough to login
to your domain (both figuratively and literally), you should
be sure to be as polite as possible about it. Even if the
network is down. Even if the server is having weird,
irrational problems. Use please, thank you, I'm sorry, and
don't be too proud to apologize or "make nice" with those
who may ultimately influence your career path down the line.
The peon you insult today with "I sent an email about this;
do you not check your own email?" could very well climb the
corporate ladder and let you go in a few years. Mind your
manners, peeps.
#9 - Know Your Needs
This one could also be called "Learn Linux." Many admins get
wooed into the idea that "managed solutions" are always the
correct ones. A web interface on a switch is cute, but
rarely useful. A huge Cisco router may not always be
necessary; sometimes a "lo-fi" approach is best. When you
want a spam solution, before looking at $5,000 servers and
huge licensing fees for Windows Server software, take a look
at one of those old "junk" PCs you have in the closet,
download your favorite distro of Linux, and install procmail
and spamassassin. You (and your budget) will thank me later.
#10 - The Holy Grail of Tech Support
…is the reboot. Rebooting can cure ailments of all sorts: it
can stop network troubles and crashing computers, find
missing documents, and rescue cats in trees. System admins
all over the world have, by and large, trained their users
to reboot before even calling support. I mean, when's the
last time you didn't reboot to see if it cured a problem? If
you're not, then you're either stubborn or you're an admin
who knows better. Rebooting doesn't cure all ailments, but
it cures so many of them that it's hard to not throw out a
"Can you reboot for me?" to the end user when they call with
some off-the-wall issue. Use and abuse as necessary.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, counsel. Those who can't counsel, administrate. Those who can't administrate, enter data into the computer. Those who can't enter data into the computer, take dictation. Those who can't take dictation, alphabetize files. Those who can't alphabetize files, answer the phone. Those who can't answer the phone, fry hamburgers. Those who can't fry hamburgers, run the cash register. Those who can't run the cash register, wait on tables. Those who can't wait on tables, carry dirty dishes to the kitchen. Those who can't carry dirty dishes to the kitchen, wash the dirty dishes. Those who can't wash dirty dishes, peel potatoes. Those who can't peel potatoes, buff the floor. Those who can't buff the floor, haul out the garbage. Those who can't haul out the garbage, write poetry. Those who can't write poetry, write clever letters to the editor. Those who can't write clever letters to the editor, write angry letters to the editor. Those who can't write angry letters to the editor, spray-paint graffiti. Those who can't spray-paint graffiti, write screenplays. Those who can't write screenplays, write TV scripts. Those who can't write TV scripts, read scripts for the studios. Those who can't read scripts for the studios, act. Those who can't act, take acting classes. Those who can't take acting classes, sing. Those who can't sing, sing Rock'N'Roll. Those who can't sing Rock'N'Roll, sing it anyway. Those who can't sing it anyway, become depressed. Those who can't become depressed, get bitter. Those who can't get bitter, get confused. Those who can't get confused, stay confused. Those who stay confused, find it difficult to complete unfinished sentences. Those who find it difficult to complete unfinished sentences, _____________.
Monday, January 02, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 2nd
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reasons Why Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen"
• They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run out of gas.
• Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
• It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
• It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
• The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
• They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
• The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.
• Top speed is only about 45 mph.
• Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.
• It's hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From PackyHumor: Dogs' New Year Resolutions
* I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear
when he's on the toilet.
* The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
* I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when
I'm lying under the coffee table
* I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
* I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.
* I will not eat the cats' food, before or after
they eat it.
* I will stop trying to find the few remaining
pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw
up.
* I will not throw up in the car.
* I will not scootch my bottom along the carpet to
rid myself of hangers-on.
* I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs,
etc.
* The litter box is not a cookie jar.
* I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not
tell them.
* I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not
the red ones or my people will think that I am
hemorrhaging.
* When in the car, I will not insist on having the
window rolled down when it's raining outside.
* We do not have a doorbell. Therefore, I will not
bark each time I hear one on the TV.
* I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all
over the back yard with them
* The sofa is not a face towel. Neither is Mom's
lap.
* My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
* I will not bite the officer's hand when he
reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car
registration.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and
affection for the way computers have enhanced our
lives:
At a recent computer exposition (COMDEX), Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated "If General Motors had kept
up with the technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon". In response to Bill's comments,
GM issued a press release stating: "If General Motors
had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash
twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road,
you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for
no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of
the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car,
restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason, you would simply accept
this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left
turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to
restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the
engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as
easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of
the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning
lights would all be replaced by a single "General
Protection Fault" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before
deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car
would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key
and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers
would have to learn to drive all over again because
none of the controls would operate in the same manner
as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the
engine off.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Problem Solved...
When you have three boys, it's hard to know whom to
blame if something goes wrong in the house.
One father explained to a friend how he solved the
problem: "I send all three to bed without letting
them watch television. In the morning I go after the
one with the black eye!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From SK:
What do you call a multistorey pig pen? A sty scraper.
What do they call the lines of cabs at the Dallas/Fort
Worth airport? The yellow rows of taxis!
Why did the band leader bring the bull into the
marching band? He wanted to take the bull by the
horns." (Betty Debnam)
What do baseball players eat on? Home plates!
What was the reporter doing at the ice cream shop?
Getting the scoop!
Which state is a heavyweight in laundry? Washing ton.
THE PUNS
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps
back to admire his work.
Perfect Match...He's a Geologist and she's got rocks
in her head.
A man usually feels better after a few winks,
especially if she
winks back.
If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for sky
diving.
A photographer may lose his job because of a negative
review.
The child comes home from his first day at school. His
Mother
asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid
replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back
tomorrow."
Reasons Why Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen"
• They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run out of gas.
• Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
• It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
• It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
• The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
• They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
• The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.
• Top speed is only about 45 mph.
• Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.
• It's hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From PackyHumor: Dogs' New Year Resolutions
* I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear
when he's on the toilet.
* The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
* I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when
I'm lying under the coffee table
* I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
* I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.
* I will not eat the cats' food, before or after
they eat it.
* I will stop trying to find the few remaining
pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw
up.
* I will not throw up in the car.
* I will not scootch my bottom along the carpet to
rid myself of hangers-on.
* I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs,
etc.
* The litter box is not a cookie jar.
* I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not
tell them.
* I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not
the red ones or my people will think that I am
hemorrhaging.
* When in the car, I will not insist on having the
window rolled down when it's raining outside.
* We do not have a doorbell. Therefore, I will not
bark each time I hear one on the TV.
* I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all
over the back yard with them
* The sofa is not a face towel. Neither is Mom's
lap.
* My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
* I will not bite the officer's hand when he
reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car
registration.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and
affection for the way computers have enhanced our
lives:
At a recent computer exposition (COMDEX), Bill Gates
reportedly compared the computer industry with the
auto industry and stated "If General Motors had kept
up with the technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000
miles to the gallon". In response to Bill's comments,
GM issued a press release stating: "If General Motors
had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all
be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash
twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road,
you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for
no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of
the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car,
restart it, and reopen the windows before you could
continue. For some reason, you would simply accept
this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left
turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to
restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the
engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the
sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as
easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of
the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning
lights would all be replaced by a single "General
Protection Fault" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before
deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car
would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you
simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key
and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers
would have to learn to drive all over again because
none of the controls would operate in the same manner
as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the
engine off.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Problem Solved...
When you have three boys, it's hard to know whom to
blame if something goes wrong in the house.
One father explained to a friend how he solved the
problem: "I send all three to bed without letting
them watch television. In the morning I go after the
one with the black eye!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From SK:
What do you call a multistorey pig pen? A sty scraper.
What do they call the lines of cabs at the Dallas/Fort
Worth airport? The yellow rows of taxis!
Why did the band leader bring the bull into the
marching band? He wanted to take the bull by the
horns." (Betty Debnam)
What do baseball players eat on? Home plates!
What was the reporter doing at the ice cream shop?
Getting the scoop!
Which state is a heavyweight in laundry? Washing ton.
THE PUNS
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps
back to admire his work.
Perfect Match...He's a Geologist and she's got rocks
in her head.
A man usually feels better after a few winks,
especially if she
winks back.
If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for sky
diving.
A photographer may lose his job because of a negative
review.
The child comes home from his first day at school. His
Mother
asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid
replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back
tomorrow."
Sunday, January 01, 2006
hUMOR For Jan. 1, 2006
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CD Player
I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one
model's promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked,
"What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"
He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital
information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal."
"In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs."
"Exactly."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New Year's Dinner
As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which
was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep
peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant
after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.
Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought with her
a cold pop for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was.
I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing
to nothing.
"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote.*
"There is no security in this life. There is only opportunity."
- Douglas MacArthur
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Featured *Illustration* items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a
point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic,
the point of them is the point you make with them.
*Here is today's Illustration. - Appearances*
Each Friday night I drove my wife to the station for the train to Weimar, CA, so she could visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, my sister arrived by train from Sacramento to manage our household over the weekend. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train ten minutes before my wife arrived.
One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.
"Mister," he said, "you are sure some man! But one of these days you are goin' to get caught!"
CD Player
I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one
model's promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked,
"What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"
He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital
information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal."
"In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs."
"Exactly."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New Year's Dinner
As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which
was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep
peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant
after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.
Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought with her
a cold pop for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was.
I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing
to nothing.
"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote.*
"There is no security in this life. There is only opportunity."
- Douglas MacArthur
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Featured *Illustration* items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a
point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic,
the point of them is the point you make with them.
*Here is today's Illustration. - Appearances*
Each Friday night I drove my wife to the station for the train to Weimar, CA, so she could visit her sister who was ill. Ten minutes later, my sister arrived by train from Sacramento to manage our household over the weekend. On Sundays this procedure worked in reverse with my sister departing by train ten minutes before my wife arrived.
One evening after my sister left and while I awaited my wife's arrival, a porter sauntered over.
"Mister," he said, "you are sure some man! But one of these days you are goin' to get caught!"
Saturday, December 31, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 31st
"Parting Words"
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you."
"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.
"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to a retired Air Force officer for sending this
"paraphrase" of a memorable public safety announcement from
Alaska Air flight attendants...
"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend,
and the flight attendant reading the flight safety
information had the whole plane looking at each other like
'what the heck?' (Getting Seattle people to look at each
other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took
out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't
forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most
of it."
Before takeoff... Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to
San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in
the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco,
you're about to have a really long evening.
We'd like to tell you now about some important safety
features of this aircraft.
The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane
is... the flight attendants. Please look at one now.
There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front,
two over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If
you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store
your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea.
Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest
exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In
the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll
be glad you did. (This is excellent advice, and something I
always do.) We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that
will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along
the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.
In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, these baggy things
will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose
and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag
won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise.
If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is
acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put
on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more
children, please take a moment now to decide which one is
your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way
down.
In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the
safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan
when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good
fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and
play with it now.
Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are
fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a
pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because
you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!
There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is
also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming
from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put
you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two
smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.
We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold
on, let me check what it is .... Oh here it is; the movie
tonight is Gone with the Wind.
In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and
it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid
of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press
the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading
light. Please don't press the orange button unless you
absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection
button.
We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank
you for choosing Alaska Air and giving us your business and
your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more
comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.
If you all weren't strapped down, you would have given me a
standing ovation, wouldn't you?
After landing... Welcome to the San Francisco International
Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the
captain's fault. It's not the copilot's fault. It's the
Asphalt.
Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate.
At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the
gate. So please don't even try.
Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift
happens."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting Closer
Our son is in the Army, stationed in Georgia. He invited my husband
and I for a visit.
After driving endlessly through unfamiliar streets in search of an
entrance to Fort Stewart, my husband suddenly said, "We're getting closer."
"How do you know?" I asked.
He pointed to a sign that read:
Sonny's Bar-B-Q
Tank Parking Available
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake everyday.
One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,
"Mark this spot, so that we can come back here tomorrow."
The next day, as they were driving to rent the boat,the first guy
asked his friend,"Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied,"Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said,"You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today?!?"
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you."
"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.
"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Oneliner
"Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to a retired Air Force officer for sending this
"paraphrase" of a memorable public safety announcement from
Alaska Air flight attendants...
"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend,
and the flight attendant reading the flight safety
information had the whole plane looking at each other like
'what the heck?' (Getting Seattle people to look at each
other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took
out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't
forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most
of it."
Before takeoff... Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to
San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in
the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco,
you're about to have a really long evening.
We'd like to tell you now about some important safety
features of this aircraft.
The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane
is... the flight attendants. Please look at one now.
There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front,
two over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If
you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store
your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea.
Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest
exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In
the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll
be glad you did. (This is excellent advice, and something I
always do.) We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that
will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along
the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.
In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, these baggy things
will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose
and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag
won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, promise.
If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is
acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put
on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more
children, please take a moment now to decide which one is
your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way
down.
In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the
safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan
when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good
fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and
play with it now.
Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are
fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a
pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car because
you're in an airplane -- HELLO!!
There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is
also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming
from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put
you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two
smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit.
We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold
on, let me check what it is .... Oh here it is; the movie
tonight is Gone with the Wind.
In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and
it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid
of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press
the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading
light. Please don't press the orange button unless you
absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection
button.
We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank
you for choosing Alaska Air and giving us your business and
your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more
comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.
If you all weren't strapped down, you would have given me a
standing ovation, wouldn't you?
After landing... Welcome to the San Francisco International
Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the
captain's fault. It's not the copilot's fault. It's the
Asphalt.
Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate.
At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the
gate. So please don't even try.
Please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift
happens."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting Closer
Our son is in the Army, stationed in Georgia. He invited my husband
and I for a visit.
After driving endlessly through unfamiliar streets in search of an
entrance to Fort Stewart, my husband suddenly said, "We're getting closer."
"How do you know?" I asked.
He pointed to a sign that read:
Sonny's Bar-B-Q
Tank Parking Available
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake everyday.
One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,
"Mark this spot, so that we can come back here tomorrow."
The next day, as they were driving to rent the boat,the first guy
asked his friend,"Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied,"Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said,"You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today?!?"
Friday, December 30, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 30th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Mouse Mom"
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest."
- Spanish proverb
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Philosophy"
A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a the class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty.
After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.
With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table.
He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty."
Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my
husband and I appreciate movers who take the time to label
carefully boxes they pack for us.
The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we
try to find something right away.
My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to
a box -- obviously not knowing how to spell the best
one-word description: "Animals you hit with a stick at a
Mexican party."
(The one-word description is a Pinata. For those that might
not know what a pinata is loo here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinata )
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Birds of a feather flock together ... and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to lookfor it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
14. Did you ever notice: When you put together "THE" and "IRS," it spells "THEIRS.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Say Something Positive
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing
in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old
woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are
hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She
turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me
feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a
soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at
St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.
Say Something Positive
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing
in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old
woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are
hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She
turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me
feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a
soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at
St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was a guy walking in the woods one night. As he
walked further he fell off the side of a cliff and
just as he fell, he reached and grab a tree branch.
He thought for sure he was going to die, but he
remember learning as a child: when you're in trouble
call on God.
So he called up to Heaven, "Lord are you up there?"
A few seconds go by and not a word from heaven.
The man calls again, "Lord are you up there?" And
again the lord did not response.
This time the man made a promise to God, "if you are
there I will serve you if you help me."
The Lord responded and said, "my son do you trust me?"
"Yes," replied the man.
The Lord ask him again, "my son do you trust me"?
"Yes I do", replied the man.
God said, "let the branch go."
A few seconds of silence go by, and the man yelled,
"is there anybody else up there?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Long, long ago an old Indian chief was about to die,
so he called for Geronimo and Falling Rocks, the two
bravest warriors in his tribe. The chief instructed
each to go out and seek buffalo skins. Whoever
returned with the most skins would be chief.
About a month later Geronimo came back with one
hundred pelts; sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.
Today as you drive through the West you can see the
evidence of love and devotion the tribe had for this
brave. At nearly every mile marker there are signs
saying. . .
"Watch for Falling Rocks."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental
hospital, is examining patients to see if they're
cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his
patients, "I see by your chart that you've been
recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what
you might do once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well,
I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's
still a good field, good money there.
But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book
about my experience here in the hospital, what it's
like to be a patient here. People might be interested
in reading a book like that. Some of the new
treatments and medications have developed in recent
years. And the classes in life skills and using
computers and connecting with people on the internet
have helped me feel more real and in touch with the
world.
In addition, I thought I might go back to college and
study art history, which I've grown interested in
lately, or maybe website design."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like
intriguing possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my
spare time, I can continue being a teapot and post
stuff to Yahoo groups."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Even the most pious among us must laugh at some of
these. It is HUMOR...pure and simple.
I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the
water while I'm fishing.
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good
ending, and they should be as close together as
possible.
Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
Photons have mass!?! I didn't even know they were
Catholic.
Since God is watching us, the least we can do is be
entertaining.
I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain
number of things. Right now, I'm so far behind I'll
never die!
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven
is like the IRS.
Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!
The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the
calf won't get much sleep.
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God
said, "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this
one out."
If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajitas,
cause that's what He's getting tonight.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on
their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter
more devoted than my Alice," said.
Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to
the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a
week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me,"
declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats
me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks
in the Hampton, in my own private guest house."
Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves
her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."
"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to
her.
"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the
best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred
and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No Offence...
Say What?
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to
a counter in a dept. store and asks - "W-w-w-where's
the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and
says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the
m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the
m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the
guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy
asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's
question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I
w-w-w-want to get h-h-h-him ups-s-set s-s-s-since I
also st-st-st-stutter?!!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG Its really sort of simple:
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age,
weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them.
That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you
down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those
grouches;)
3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer,
crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get
idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the
devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp
for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you
laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The
only person who is with us our entire life, is
ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's
family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies,
whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If
it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you
can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall,
even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT
to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at
every opportunity.
"Mouse Mom"
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest."
- Spanish proverb
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Philosophy"
A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a the class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty.
After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.
With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table.
He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty."
Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my
husband and I appreciate movers who take the time to label
carefully boxes they pack for us.
The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we
try to find something right away.
My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to
a box -- obviously not knowing how to spell the best
one-word description: "Animals you hit with a stick at a
Mexican party."
(The one-word description is a Pinata. For those that might
not know what a pinata is loo here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pinata )
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. Birds of a feather flock together ... and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to lookfor it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
14. Did you ever notice: When you put together "THE" and "IRS," it spells "THEIRS.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Say Something Positive
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing
in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old
woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are
hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She
turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me
feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a
soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at
St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.
Say Something Positive
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing
in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old
woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are
hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She
turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me
feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a
soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at
St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was a guy walking in the woods one night. As he
walked further he fell off the side of a cliff and
just as he fell, he reached and grab a tree branch.
He thought for sure he was going to die, but he
remember learning as a child: when you're in trouble
call on God.
So he called up to Heaven, "Lord are you up there?"
A few seconds go by and not a word from heaven.
The man calls again, "Lord are you up there?" And
again the lord did not response.
This time the man made a promise to God, "if you are
there I will serve you if you help me."
The Lord responded and said, "my son do you trust me?"
"Yes," replied the man.
The Lord ask him again, "my son do you trust me"?
"Yes I do", replied the man.
God said, "let the branch go."
A few seconds of silence go by, and the man yelled,
"is there anybody else up there?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Long, long ago an old Indian chief was about to die,
so he called for Geronimo and Falling Rocks, the two
bravest warriors in his tribe. The chief instructed
each to go out and seek buffalo skins. Whoever
returned with the most skins would be chief.
About a month later Geronimo came back with one
hundred pelts; sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.
Today as you drive through the West you can see the
evidence of love and devotion the tribe had for this
brave. At nearly every mile marker there are signs
saying. . .
"Watch for Falling Rocks."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental
hospital, is examining patients to see if they're
cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his
patients, "I see by your chart that you've been
recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what
you might do once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well,
I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's
still a good field, good money there.
But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book
about my experience here in the hospital, what it's
like to be a patient here. People might be interested
in reading a book like that. Some of the new
treatments and medications have developed in recent
years. And the classes in life skills and using
computers and connecting with people on the internet
have helped me feel more real and in touch with the
world.
In addition, I thought I might go back to college and
study art history, which I've grown interested in
lately, or maybe website design."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like
intriguing possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my
spare time, I can continue being a teapot and post
stuff to Yahoo groups."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Even the most pious among us must laugh at some of
these. It is HUMOR...pure and simple.
I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the
water while I'm fishing.
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good
ending, and they should be as close together as
possible.
Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
Photons have mass!?! I didn't even know they were
Catholic.
Since God is watching us, the least we can do is be
entertaining.
I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain
number of things. Right now, I'm so far behind I'll
never die!
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven
is like the IRS.
Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!
The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the
calf won't get much sleep.
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God
said, "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this
one out."
If God is inside us, then I hope he likes fajitas,
cause that's what He's getting tonight.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on
their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter
more devoted than my Alice," said.
Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to
the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a
week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me,"
declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats
me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks
in the Hampton, in my own private guest house."
Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves
her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."
"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to
her.
"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the
best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred
and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No Offence...
Say What?
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to
a counter in a dept. store and asks - "W-w-w-where's
the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and
says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the
m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the
m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the
guy is angry and storms off.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy
asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's
question?"
The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I
w-w-w-want to get h-h-h-him ups-s-set s-s-s-since I
also st-st-st-stutter?!!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG Its really sort of simple:
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age,
weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them.
That is why you pay them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you
down. (keep this in mind if you are one of those
grouches;)
3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer,
crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get
idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the
devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp
for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you
laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The
only person who is with us our entire life, is
ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's
family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies,
whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If
it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you
can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall,
even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT
to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at
every opportunity.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 29th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Rope Response "
A young fellow just starting into cattle ranching called the old cowboy one rainy evening and said he had a cow with problems having a calf.
The old cowboy got his rope, and drove thru the rain to his neighbor's house. The cow was standing out in the rain with her calf next to her. The old cowboy thought she should be examined anyway.
"Has she ever had a rope on her"?
"Oh, yeah, yeah! Last year!
The old cowboy twirled his rope over his head and made a perfect cast. As soon as the rope went over the cow's head, she bolted. In a dead run, she pulled the old cowboy around the corral on his stomach, full length in the mud, three times around the corral. The old cowboy finally got her stopped, and looking at the young man in a rage said," I thought you said she'd had a rope on her before!"
"I had a rope on her last year, and she did the same thing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanLaugh - "Rope Response "
A young fellow just starting into cattle ranching called the old cowboy one rainy evening and said he had a cow with problems having a calf.
The old cowboy got his rope, and drove thru the rain to his neighbor's house. The cow was standing out in the rain with her calf next to her. The old cowboy thought she should be examined anyway.
"Has she ever had a rope on her"?
"Oh, yeah, yeah! Last year!
The old cowboy twirled his rope over his head and made a perfect cast. As soon as the rope went over the cow's head, she bolted. In a dead run, she pulled the old cowboy around the corral on his stomach, full length in the mud, three times around the corral. The old cowboy finally got her stopped, and looking at the young man in a rage said," I thought you said she'd had a rope on her before!"
"I had a rope on her last year, and she did the same thing."
Today's Oneliner
"The meeting of the clairvoyant society has been cancelled due to unforseen circumstances."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Cage Elevator"
There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors
(gates) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor.
One day one of the workers, named Peter, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down.
Visitors to the cathedral witnessed the sexton of the cathedral, with his head tipped up, yelling to the heavens, "Peter! Close the gates!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a
chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good
job.
Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for
a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon
because he was so sensitive about his looks. However, it
wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was
proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of
it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears, which were
much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer,
or bear for that matter.
So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the
pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time,
January 1st has been celebrated as New Ears Day.
Happy New Ears Day!
"Rope Response "
A young fellow just starting into cattle ranching called the old cowboy one rainy evening and said he had a cow with problems having a calf.
The old cowboy got his rope, and drove thru the rain to his neighbor's house. The cow was standing out in the rain with her calf next to her. The old cowboy thought she should be examined anyway.
"Has she ever had a rope on her"?
"Oh, yeah, yeah! Last year!
The old cowboy twirled his rope over his head and made a perfect cast. As soon as the rope went over the cow's head, she bolted. In a dead run, she pulled the old cowboy around the corral on his stomach, full length in the mud, three times around the corral. The old cowboy finally got her stopped, and looking at the young man in a rage said," I thought you said she'd had a rope on her before!"
"I had a rope on her last year, and she did the same thing."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanLaugh - "Rope Response "
A young fellow just starting into cattle ranching called the old cowboy one rainy evening and said he had a cow with problems having a calf.
The old cowboy got his rope, and drove thru the rain to his neighbor's house. The cow was standing out in the rain with her calf next to her. The old cowboy thought she should be examined anyway.
"Has she ever had a rope on her"?
"Oh, yeah, yeah! Last year!
The old cowboy twirled his rope over his head and made a perfect cast. As soon as the rope went over the cow's head, she bolted. In a dead run, she pulled the old cowboy around the corral on his stomach, full length in the mud, three times around the corral. The old cowboy finally got her stopped, and looking at the young man in a rage said," I thought you said she'd had a rope on her before!"
"I had a rope on her last year, and she did the same thing."
Today's Oneliner
"The meeting of the clairvoyant society has been cancelled due to unforseen circumstances."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Cage Elevator"
There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors
(gates) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor.
One day one of the workers, named Peter, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down.
Visitors to the cathedral witnessed the sexton of the cathedral, with his head tipped up, yelling to the heavens, "Peter! Close the gates!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Christmas was over. Santa and his reindeer finally had a
chance to rest. And they deserved it. They had done a good
job.
Rudolph had a chance to do something he had wanted to do for
a long time. He made an appointment with a plastic surgeon
because he was so sensitive about his looks. However, it
wasn't his glowing proboscis that he wanted changed. He was
proud of his nose and the help he had given Santa because of
it. No, he was sensitive about his long ears, which were
much more prominent than the ears of the average reindeer,
or bear for that matter.
So one week after Christmas, he let the good doctor do the
pinna reconstructive surgery procedure, and since that time,
January 1st has been celebrated as New Ears Day.
Happy New Ears Day!
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