!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Gift That Keeps on Giving
The one present Roy Collette wasn't looking forward to getting for
Christmas 1988 was those pants. Yet he knew he was in trouble as soon
as the flatbed truck bearing a concrete-filled tank off a truck used
to deliver ready-mix rolled up. Sure as God made little green apples,
those pants had to be in there. And he was going to have to fish them
out, else declare his brother-in-law the winner of a rivalry that had
spanned 20 years.
Being the sport he is, brother-in-law Larry Kunkel thoughtfully
supplied the services of a crane to hoist the concrete-filled tank
off the flatbed.
What's this game, you ask? What was the significance of these pants,
and why were two grown men going to such efforts year after year to
retrieve them, only to send them off again?
It all began in 1964 when Larry Kunkel's mom gave him a pair of
moleskin pants. After wearing them a few times, he found they froze
stiff in Minnesota winters and thus wouldn't do. That next Christmas,
he wrapped the garment in pretty paper and presented it to his brother-in-law.
Brother-in-law Roy Collette discovered he didn't want them either. He
bided his time until the Christmas after, then packaged them up and
gave them back to Kunkel. This yearly exchange proceeded amicably
until one year Collette twisted the pants tightly and stuffed them
into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide pipe.
And so the game began. Year after year, as the pants were shuffled
back and forth, the brothers strove to make unwrapping them more
difficult, perhaps in the hope of ending the tradition. In
retaliation for the pipe, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch
square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette. Not
to be outdone, Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate
filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the
trusty trousers back to Kunkel.
The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged.
But they were as careful as they were clever. As the game evolved, so
did the rules. Only "legal and moral" methods of wrapping were
permitted. Wrapping expenses were kept to a minimum with only junk
parts used. Kunkel next had the pants mounted inside an insulated
window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette.
Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a
5-inch coffee can, which he soldered shut. The can was put in a
5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and
given to Kunkel the following Christmas.
Kunkel installed the pants in a 225-pound homemade steel ashtray made
from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side.
Collette had trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded
without burning them with a cutting torch.
Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in
Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and
green stripes, put the pants inside and
welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who was
the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville.
The pants next turned up in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a
1974 Gremlin. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car
advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment.
In 1982 Kunkel faced the problem of retrieving the pants from a tire
8 feet high and 2 feet wide and filled with 6,000 pounds of concrete.
On the outside Collette had
written, "Have a Goodyear."
In 1983 the pants came back to Collette in a 17.5-foot red rocket
ship filled with concrete and weighing 6 tons. Five feet in diameter,
with pipes 6 inches in diameter outside running the length of the
ship and a launching pad attached to its bottom, the rocket sported a
picture of the pants fluttering atop it. Inside the rocket were 15
concrete-filled canisters, one of which housed the pants.
Collette's revenge for the rocket ship was delivered to Kunkel in the
form of a 4-ton Rubik's Cube in 1985. The cube was made of concrete
that had been baked in a kiln and covered with 2,000 board feet of lumber.
Kunkel "solved the cube," and for 1986 gift-giving repackaged the
pants into a station wagon filled with 170 steel generators all
welded together. Because the pants have to be retrieved undamaged,
Collette was faced with carefully taking apart each component.
What happened to the pants in 1987 is a mystery, and their 1988
packaging (concrete-filled tank) was mentioned at the beginning of
this page. Sadly, 1989's packaging scheme brought the demise of the
much-abused garment.
Collette was inspired to encase the pantaloons in 10,000 pounds of
glass that he would then deposit in Kunkel's front yard. "It would
have been a great one - really messy," Kunkel ruefully admitted. The
pants were shipped to a friend in Tennessee who managed a glass
manufacturing company. While molten glass was being poured over the
insulated container that held them, an oversized chunk fractured,
transforming the pants into a pile of ashes.
The ashes were deposited into a brass urn and delivered to Kunkel
along with this epitaph:
Sorry, Old Man Here lies the Pants. . . An attempt to cast the pants
in glass brought about the demise of the pants at last.
The urn now graces the fireplace mantel in Kunkel's home.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Too True...
When my grandfather was in his late eighties, he
decided he wanted to visit Ireland before he died. As
part of the preparations, he visited his doctor to get
copies of charts and med info his doc thought he
should carry with him.
While there the doc gave him a quick physical and
asked granddad how he was doing. Big mistake, cuz now
the doc got delivered the litany of complaints - this
hurts, that's stiff, this doen't work, I'm tired and
slower, etc. & etc.
The Doctor shook his head and admonished, "Sir, you
have to expect things to start deteriorating. After
all, who wants to live to 100?"
My granddad looked him straight in the eye and with
the swiftness and assurity of a leprechaun sittin' on
his pot of gold, replied, "Any darn fool who's
gettin' close to 99."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- Household tips for cleaning out
refrigerators:
Eggs: When something starts pecking its way out of the
shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
Dairy Products: Milk is spoiled when it looks like
yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like
cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it
starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is
nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more
spoiled than it already is.
Meat: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray
animals from a three block radius to congregate
outside your kitchen door, the meat is spoiled.
Lettuce: Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it
off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without
kitchen cleanser.
Carrots: A carrot that you can tie in a clove hitch is
not fresh. (Also, if the carrots have turned to liquid
in the original bag, do NOT attempt to drink as carrot
juice.)
Potatoes: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches
or dense leafy undergrowth.
Canned Goods: Any canned good that has become the
shape or size of a basketball should be disposed of
carefully.
Mayonnaise: If it makes you violently ill after you
eat it, mayonnaise is spoiled.
Chip Dip: If you can take it out of its container and
bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
General Rule of Thumb: Most food cannot be kept longer
than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a
hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this. (Note: Do
NOT keep the hamster in the refrigerator after HE has
expired. And be sure to check on said hamster!)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Thank You for the Birthday
Card
Hi Roxy and Wade,
few days ago I received your heartwarming birthday
card with all the nice words, I like to say thank you
to you both. Here all is getting better now after the
hurricane storm, the power is back, internet too, also
we have TV again after a long long time without it. We
can go to the Public and buy food, the bank is open
and we can cash money too, and the best of all, we are
able to purchase gasolin again because the gas station
are re-open since few days ago.
My outside garbage which was a disaster because of all
waste in plastic bags, you know our complete roof came
down, so we had to clean up all the roofing cardboard
(schingle) after the storm. During the great heat the
smell was terrible for 3 weeks long we had this
terrible smell of the schingle infront of our entrance
door. Now the garbage people came and picked up all,
thanks god! The FEMA put a plastic blue and now we are
waiting for a roof,... new!!!
Today it is raining a lot and we have the mosquitos
back again... so I can say.. "here we go again"
During the stressful Hurricane Wilma session I learned
to live without ice water and food and only with the
basic (like War II , I remembered a lot my mother
when she told me about no food, and millions of
Germans had nothing, but hope to survive. The ironic
was: There was a place just north of Hollywood, in
Dania Beach, men were seen unloading crates of bottled
water — but no one was there to receive it because we
had no gasolin to drive over and nobody new about it
because everybody had no power and no TV or Radio to
listen to an announcement, furthermore was a curve on,
so we all had to stay in.
After we was alowed to go out there was another
announcement for water and ice and also a warm meal
but the long long line of peoples who had formed all
the streets up to 6 miles was made by error. Everybody
waited for nothing and when peoples after standing 6
hours in line, complained there was police who
directed the situation and they said "shut up"... well
I learned a lot in this almost 2 years hurrican season
since I am in USA and I am really thinking of leaving
this nice state as soon I can.
Now everybody is getting prepared for Thanksgiving and
x-mas and all the shops are full with stuff and items
and people rush out and nobody is talking about
Hurricanes until the next one will come again and we
all have to get reprepaired again!
I do wish you a great Thanksgiving with a big turkey
hopefully you all enjoy it.
All my best to you and thanks again for the birthday
card.
Gaby and Albert
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to J & J R: this is what makes proofreading
hard
olny srmat poelpe can.
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of
the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is
taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it
wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos
not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a
wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling
was ipmorantt!
if you can raed tihs psas it on !!
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Saturday, December 24, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 24th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Bird Flu
(Sorry in advance, but it was just too funny...
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to poop on someone's
windshield
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A college professor had the mysterious habit of
walking into the lecture hall each morning, removing
a tennis ball from his jacket pocket. He would set it
on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture
for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis
ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the
room. No one ever understood why he did this, until
one day. . ..
A student fell asleep during the lecture. The
professor never missed a word of his lecture while he
walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball
and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on
the top of the head.
The next day, the professor walked into the room,
reached into his jacket, removed a baseball. . . No
one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the
semester!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and
cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's
office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy
bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school
playground, and figured out how to attach nine patches onto
my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several
Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's
red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room
between cycles, and who knows when I'll find any more free
time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of
chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already
have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong
enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle
in the grocery store.
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the
seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car
with fingerprint-resistant windows and a radio that plays
only big-people music; a television that doesn't broadcast
any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator
with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can
hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll
that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence,
along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't
fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up
without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording
of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room"
and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice
seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can
be heard only by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest
stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It
comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to
crumble on any carpet, making the in-laws' house seem just
like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle
for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the
same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room
temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam
container.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles
to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble
to declare ketchup a vegetable? It would clear my conscience
immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my
children to help around the house without demanding payment
as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or
if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs in his
pajamas to eat contraband ice cream at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son
saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants
his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your
wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire
so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the
table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always, Mom
P.S. One more thing: You can cancel all my requests if you
can keep my children young...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to G&L R: Christmas Memo
Of the same vain: S. Claus North Pole
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I
will no longer be able to serve the Southern United
States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now
serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better
contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I am certain
that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South
Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the
good boys and girls. However, there are a few
differences between us such as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a
moon pie] on the fireplace and Bubba doesn't smoke a
pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer, one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And
you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I
her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the
back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it
also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One
is a Ford logo with lights that race through the
letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa
Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle
on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not
be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead,
you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of state police cars crashing into each
other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
make sure the wife and the kids turn the other way
when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung
about me, like "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and
Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This
year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the
AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will
be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox";
Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman
and a Six Pack", and Johnny Paycheck's "If You Don't
Like Bubba Claus, Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member) North American Fairies and Elves
Local #209
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thought you might get a chuckle here
Men Are Just Happier People ...
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
...snip...
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will
enjoy reading it
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Bird Flu
(Sorry in advance, but it was just too funny...
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to poop on someone's
windshield
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A college professor had the mysterious habit of
walking into the lecture hall each morning, removing
a tennis ball from his jacket pocket. He would set it
on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture
for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis
ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the
room. No one ever understood why he did this, until
one day. . ..
A student fell asleep during the lecture. The
professor never missed a word of his lecture while he
walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball
and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on
the top of the head.
The next day, the professor walked into the room,
reached into his jacket, removed a baseball. . . No
one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the
semester!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and
cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's
office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy
bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school
playground, and figured out how to attach nine patches onto
my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several
Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's
red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room
between cycles, and who knows when I'll find any more free
time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of
chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already
have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong
enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle
in the grocery store.
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the
seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car
with fingerprint-resistant windows and a radio that plays
only big-people music; a television that doesn't broadcast
any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator
with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can
hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll
that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence,
along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't
fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up
without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording
of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room"
and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice
seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can
be heard only by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest
stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It
comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to
crumble on any carpet, making the in-laws' house seem just
like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle
for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the
same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room
temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam
container.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles
to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble
to declare ketchup a vegetable? It would clear my conscience
immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my
children to help around the house without demanding payment
as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or
if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs in his
pajamas to eat contraband ice cream at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son
saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants
his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your
wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire
so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the
table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always, Mom
P.S. One more thing: You can cancel all my requests if you
can keep my children young...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to G&L R: Christmas Memo
Of the same vain: S. Claus North Pole
I regret to inform you that effective immediately, I
will no longer be able to serve the Southern United
States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming
population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by North American Fairies and Elves Local #209. I now
serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better
contract, I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I am certain
that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South
Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the
good boys and girls. However, there are a few
differences between us such as:
1. There is no danger of The Grinch stealing your
presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his
sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys
insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers
that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a
moon pie] on the fireplace and Bubba doesn't smoke a
pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,
flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the
mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer, one
time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and
Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll
hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And
you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I
her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus'
sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the
back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it
also had other decorations on the sleigh as well. One
is a Ford logo with lights that race through the
letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa
Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle
on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not
be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead,
you'll see "Boss Hog Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of state police cars crashing into each
other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd
make sure the wife and the kids turn the other way
when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung
about me, like "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" and
Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This
year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the
AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will
be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox";
Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman
and a Six Pack", and Johnny Paycheck's "If You Don't
Like Bubba Claus, Shove It."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
(Member) North American Fairies and Elves
Local #209
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thought you might get a chuckle here
Men Are Just Happier People ...
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
...snip...
No wonder men are happier.
Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will
enjoy reading it
Friday, December 23, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 23rd
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must
each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into
heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he
said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter
said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set
of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint
Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his
pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Frosted Windshields"
During the winter months in southwestern
Pennsylvania it is not unusual to go out to your
vehicle on a bright, sunny morning, only to find your
windshield covered with frost. Last Friday was such a
day. I went out to run errands and found the icy
layer covering my windshield. I was in a hurry and
had no de-icer or ice scraper with which to clear the
glass. I noticed the sun had risen over the eastern
mountains, so I turned the truck so the windshield was
exposed directly to the sun. In less than 5 seconds
the frost was melted due to the power of the sun.
Kind of like the power of the Son, is it not?
Have you ever considered the power of the Son on
a heart frozen by sin and guilt? The Son has the
power to melt the hardened heart; however, just as the
frozen windshield had to be turned to the sun, so must
our hearts be turned to the Son in order for melting
to occur. Turn your heart and the hearts of others to
the Son through prayer and Bible study. There is no
heart so hard or guilt so deep that the Son cannot
melt it away. The Son is waiting. The power is
there. Are you turned toward the Son?
-J. Watson
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Trouble Escalates in
France
AP and UPI reported today that the French government
announced that it has raised its terror alert level
from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The raise
was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed
France's white flag factory, thereby disabling its
military.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE THIS
MUCH?
A girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on the road
on a motorcycle...
Girl: Slow down. Im scared.
Guy: No this is fun.
Girl: No its not. Please, its too scary!
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!
Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.
Girl hugs him
Guy: Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself?
Its bugging me.
In the paper the next day :( A motorcycle had crashed
into a building because of brake failure. Two people
were on it, but only one had survived.
The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy
realized that his brakes broke, but he didn't want to
let the girl know Instead, he had her say she loved
him & felt her hug him one last time, then had her
wear his helmet so that she would live even though it
meant that he would die.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- The Resume of Jesus Christ
Address: Ephesians 1:20
Phone: Romans 10:13
Website: The Bible. Keywords: Christ, Lord, Savior and
Jesus
Hello. My name is Jesus -The Christ. Many call me
Lord! I've sent you my resume because I'm seeking the
top management position in your heart. Please
consider my accomplishments as set forth in my resume.
Qualifications
• I founded the earth and established the heavens,
(See Proverbs 3:19)
• I formed man from the dust of the ground, (See
Genesis 2:7)
• I breathed into man the breath of life, (See Genesis
2:7)
• I redeemed man from the curse of the law, (See
Galatians 3:13)
• The blessings of the Abrahamic Covenant comes upon
your life through me, (See Galatians 3:14)
Occupational Background
• I've only had one employer, (See Luke 2:49).
• I've never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful
or disrespectful.
• My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me,
(See Matthew 3:15-17)
Skills Work Experiences
• Some of my skills and work experiences include:
empowering the poor to be poor no more, healing the
brokenhearted, setting the captives free, healing the
sick, restoring sight to the blind and setting at
liberty them that are bruised, (See Luke 4:18).
• I am a Wonderful Counselor, (See Isaiah 9:6).
People who listen to me shall dwell safely and shall
not fear evil, (See Proverbs 1:33).
• Most importantly, I have the authority, ability
and power to cleanse you of your sins, (See I John
1:7-9)
Educational Background
• I encompass the entire breadth and length of
knowledge, wisdom and understanding, (See Proverbs
2:6).
• In me are hid all of the treasures of wisdom and
knowledge, (See Colossians 2:3).
• My Word is so powerful; it has been described as
being a lamp unto your feet and a lamp unto your path,
(See Psalms 119:105).
• I can even tell you all of the secrets of your
heart, (See Psalms 44:21).
Major Accomplishments
• I was an active participant in the greatest
Summit Meeting of all times, (See Genesis 1:26).
• I laid down my life so that you may live, (See II
Corinthians 5:15).
• I defeated the archenemy of God and mankind and
made a show of them openly, (See Colossians 2:15).
• I've miraculously fed the poor, healed the sick
and raised the dead!
• There are many more major accomplishments, too
many to mention here. You can read them on my website,
which is located at: www dot - the BIBLE. You don't
need an Internet connection or computer to access my
website.
References
• Christians the world over can attest to the power
I have exerted in their lives for good -- alcoholics
reformed, criminals gone straight, cheating spouses
being faithful, and etc.
In Summation
Now that you've read my resume, I'm confident that I'm
the only candidate uniquely qualified to fill this
vital position in your heart. In summation, I will
properly direct your paths, (See Proverbs 3:5-6), and
lead you into everlasting life, (See John 6:47). When
can I start? Time is of the essence, (See Hebrews
3:15).
Send this resume to everyone you know, you never know
who may have an opening!
Thanks for your help and may the blessings of My
Father be yours!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Dieter's Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips
Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
>From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must
each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into
heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he
said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter
said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set
of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint
Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his
pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Frosted Windshields"
During the winter months in southwestern
Pennsylvania it is not unusual to go out to your
vehicle on a bright, sunny morning, only to find your
windshield covered with frost. Last Friday was such a
day. I went out to run errands and found the icy
layer covering my windshield. I was in a hurry and
had no de-icer or ice scraper with which to clear the
glass. I noticed the sun had risen over the eastern
mountains, so I turned the truck so the windshield was
exposed directly to the sun. In less than 5 seconds
the frost was melted due to the power of the sun.
Kind of like the power of the Son, is it not?
Have you ever considered the power of the Son on
a heart frozen by sin and guilt? The Son has the
power to melt the hardened heart; however, just as the
frozen windshield had to be turned to the sun, so must
our hearts be turned to the Son in order for melting
to occur. Turn your heart and the hearts of others to
the Son through prayer and Bible study. There is no
heart so hard or guilt so deep that the Son cannot
melt it away. The Son is waiting. The power is
there. Are you turned toward the Son?
-J. Watson
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Trouble Escalates in
France
AP and UPI reported today that the French government
announced that it has raised its terror alert level
from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The raise
was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed
France's white flag factory, thereby disabling its
military.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE THIS
MUCH?
A girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on the road
on a motorcycle...
Girl: Slow down. Im scared.
Guy: No this is fun.
Girl: No its not. Please, its too scary!
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!
Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.
Girl hugs him
Guy: Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself?
Its bugging me.
In the paper the next day :( A motorcycle had crashed
into a building because of brake failure. Two people
were on it, but only one had survived.
The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy
realized that his brakes broke, but he didn't want to
let the girl know Instead, he had her say she loved
him & felt her hug him one last time, then had her
wear his helmet so that she would live even though it
meant that he would die.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- The Resume of Jesus Christ
Address: Ephesians 1:20
Phone: Romans 10:13
Website: The Bible. Keywords: Christ, Lord, Savior and
Jesus
Hello. My name is Jesus -The Christ. Many call me
Lord! I've sent you my resume because I'm seeking the
top management position in your heart. Please
consider my accomplishments as set forth in my resume.
Qualifications
• I founded the earth and established the heavens,
(See Proverbs 3:19)
• I formed man from the dust of the ground, (See
Genesis 2:7)
• I breathed into man the breath of life, (See Genesis
2:7)
• I redeemed man from the curse of the law, (See
Galatians 3:13)
• The blessings of the Abrahamic Covenant comes upon
your life through me, (See Galatians 3:14)
Occupational Background
• I've only had one employer, (See Luke 2:49).
• I've never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful
or disrespectful.
• My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me,
(See Matthew 3:15-17)
Skills Work Experiences
• Some of my skills and work experiences include:
empowering the poor to be poor no more, healing the
brokenhearted, setting the captives free, healing the
sick, restoring sight to the blind and setting at
liberty them that are bruised, (See Luke 4:18).
• I am a Wonderful Counselor, (See Isaiah 9:6).
People who listen to me shall dwell safely and shall
not fear evil, (See Proverbs 1:33).
• Most importantly, I have the authority, ability
and power to cleanse you of your sins, (See I John
1:7-9)
Educational Background
• I encompass the entire breadth and length of
knowledge, wisdom and understanding, (See Proverbs
2:6).
• In me are hid all of the treasures of wisdom and
knowledge, (See Colossians 2:3).
• My Word is so powerful; it has been described as
being a lamp unto your feet and a lamp unto your path,
(See Psalms 119:105).
• I can even tell you all of the secrets of your
heart, (See Psalms 44:21).
Major Accomplishments
• I was an active participant in the greatest
Summit Meeting of all times, (See Genesis 1:26).
• I laid down my life so that you may live, (See II
Corinthians 5:15).
• I defeated the archenemy of God and mankind and
made a show of them openly, (See Colossians 2:15).
• I've miraculously fed the poor, healed the sick
and raised the dead!
• There are many more major accomplishments, too
many to mention here. You can read them on my website,
which is located at: www dot - the BIBLE. You don't
need an Internet connection or computer to access my
website.
References
• Christians the world over can attest to the power
I have exerted in their lives for good -- alcoholics
reformed, criminals gone straight, cheating spouses
being faithful, and etc.
In Summation
Now that you've read my resume, I'm confident that I'm
the only candidate uniquely qualified to fill this
vital position in your heart. In summation, I will
properly direct your paths, (See Proverbs 3:5-6), and
lead you into everlasting life, (See John 6:47). When
can I start? Time is of the essence, (See Hebrews
3:15).
Send this resume to everyone you know, you never know
who may have an opening!
Thanks for your help and may the blessings of My
Father be yours!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Dieter's Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and all around my hips
Were Fanny May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.
>From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess
My droll little mouth and my round little belly
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned in for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'till I take that first bite!
Thursday, December 22, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 22nd
Gift Wrapping Tips For Men
(Edited slightly by Tom)
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went
to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew,
"presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh." These are
simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an
important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no
mention of wrapping paper.
The words "wrapping paper" do not appear in the Bible, which means
that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is
because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of
putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This
is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a
statistical survey of two guys I know.
One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's
such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens
it." The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a
matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No
one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,"
Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I
can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck
of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the
size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and
taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking
out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I
had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half
of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping
paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women,
actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that
requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me
is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were
possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having
babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why
today I am presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the
recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can
claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to
make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple
sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring
and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.
* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just
put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on
it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the
lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you
give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very
special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a strange tale. I thought you might appreciate it.
It has to do with those two famous characters, Anakin and
Luke Skywalker. The tale concerns that time when Anakin was
going by the name of Vader, specifically the lightsaber
battle they fought in the cloud city. The depiction of that
fight in the Lucas film was fairly accurate, but it left out
a few details.
It seems that, during the course of the fracas, more words
were exchanged while the two of them were temporarily
clenched with their weapons locked against each other.
Apparently the director must have felt that some editing
would make the dialogue a bit snappier, so some of the words
were snipped out.
So here's the rest of what they said to each other.
"Luke, there is something that you do not know."
"What's that?"
"Luke, I know, beyond doubt, what you are getting for
Christmas."
"You're wrong. You can't know that."
"Nevertheless, it is so."
"I don't believe you! This isn't possible!"
"Trust me, Luke, I do know what you are getting for
Christmas. I know it with the same degree of certainly as I
know of the inevitability of the failure of your pitiful
rebellion."
"You can't know that. The rebellion will succeed!"
"I know a great many things, Luke. Join with me. Let me show
you the true power of the Dark Side of the force, and
together we can destroy the emperor!"
"Is that why you think you know what I'm going to get for
Christmas? You think your mastery of the Dark Side can show
you the future?"
"The Dark Side shows me many things, Luke, but I did not
need it for this."
"Then how do you know what I'm getting?"
"It's very simple, Luke -- I have felt your presents."
Received from leon_taylor.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some Un-Christmassy Texas Jokes
A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Do you ever get
tornadoes out here?" The cowboy replied, "Yeah, we had
one a while back, but it ran into a sandstorm outside
of town and got ripped to pieces."
A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Doesn't it ever
rain out here?"
The cowboy replied, "Sure. There was a half-inch of
rain a couple of weeks ago just a few miles north of
here, but I was too busy and couldn't go."
The wind blows so hard out in West Texas that at a
drive-in theater it once blew Gene Autry right out of
the saddle."
A little brown hen once got caught in a West Texas
sandstorm. She was flying through the air backward so
fast that she laid the same egg three times.
It was so windy that prairie dogs were digging holes
40 feet in the air.
It was so dry that the Baptists were sprinkling, the
Methodists were spitting, and the Catholics were
giving rain checks.
It was so hot that I saw a roadrunner pull a worm out
of the ground using pot holders.
It was so cold that a farmer threw a dipperful of
water and it froze in midair and knocked a pup
unconscious.
A visitor to Amarillo asked a local rancher, "How do
you stand the wind blowing every single day?" The
rancher said, "You just have to get used to it - learn
to lean into it. In fact, one day last fall the wind
stopped blowing all of a sudden, and all the chickens
in the panhandle plumb fell over."
During a period of heavy sandstorms, a rancher visited
his banker and applied for a loan. The banker warned
him, "I'll have to come out and inspect the property
first." The rancher replied, "That won't be necessary.
Here it comes now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Muffled Workers
Winters are fierce where he lives, so the owner of the estate felt He
was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even
on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?"
The Foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."
"Why don't you wear them?"
The Foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, and
somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him! Never again,
never again!"
(Edited slightly by Tom)
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went
to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew,
"presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh." These are
simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an
important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no
mention of wrapping paper.
The words "wrapping paper" do not appear in the Bible, which means
that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is
because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of
putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This
is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a
statistical survey of two guys I know.
One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's
such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens
it." The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a
matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No
one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,"
Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I
can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck
of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the
size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and
taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking
out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I
had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half
of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping
paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women,
actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that
requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me
is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were
possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having
babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why
today I am presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the
recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can
claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to
make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple
sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring
and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.
* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just
put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on
it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the
lucky recipient on Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you
give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very
special time of year, is that you save the receipt.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a strange tale. I thought you might appreciate it.
It has to do with those two famous characters, Anakin and
Luke Skywalker. The tale concerns that time when Anakin was
going by the name of Vader, specifically the lightsaber
battle they fought in the cloud city. The depiction of that
fight in the Lucas film was fairly accurate, but it left out
a few details.
It seems that, during the course of the fracas, more words
were exchanged while the two of them were temporarily
clenched with their weapons locked against each other.
Apparently the director must have felt that some editing
would make the dialogue a bit snappier, so some of the words
were snipped out.
So here's the rest of what they said to each other.
"Luke, there is something that you do not know."
"What's that?"
"Luke, I know, beyond doubt, what you are getting for
Christmas."
"You're wrong. You can't know that."
"Nevertheless, it is so."
"I don't believe you! This isn't possible!"
"Trust me, Luke, I do know what you are getting for
Christmas. I know it with the same degree of certainly as I
know of the inevitability of the failure of your pitiful
rebellion."
"You can't know that. The rebellion will succeed!"
"I know a great many things, Luke. Join with me. Let me show
you the true power of the Dark Side of the force, and
together we can destroy the emperor!"
"Is that why you think you know what I'm going to get for
Christmas? You think your mastery of the Dark Side can show
you the future?"
"The Dark Side shows me many things, Luke, but I did not
need it for this."
"Then how do you know what I'm getting?"
"It's very simple, Luke -- I have felt your presents."
Received from leon_taylor.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Some Un-Christmassy Texas Jokes
A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Do you ever get
tornadoes out here?" The cowboy replied, "Yeah, we had
one a while back, but it ran into a sandstorm outside
of town and got ripped to pieces."
A visitor asked a West Texas cowboy, "Doesn't it ever
rain out here?"
The cowboy replied, "Sure. There was a half-inch of
rain a couple of weeks ago just a few miles north of
here, but I was too busy and couldn't go."
The wind blows so hard out in West Texas that at a
drive-in theater it once blew Gene Autry right out of
the saddle."
A little brown hen once got caught in a West Texas
sandstorm. She was flying through the air backward so
fast that she laid the same egg three times.
It was so windy that prairie dogs were digging holes
40 feet in the air.
It was so dry that the Baptists were sprinkling, the
Methodists were spitting, and the Catholics were
giving rain checks.
It was so hot that I saw a roadrunner pull a worm out
of the ground using pot holders.
It was so cold that a farmer threw a dipperful of
water and it froze in midair and knocked a pup
unconscious.
A visitor to Amarillo asked a local rancher, "How do
you stand the wind blowing every single day?" The
rancher said, "You just have to get used to it - learn
to lean into it. In fact, one day last fall the wind
stopped blowing all of a sudden, and all the chickens
in the panhandle plumb fell over."
During a period of heavy sandstorms, a rancher visited
his banker and applied for a loan. The banker warned
him, "I'll have to come out and inspect the property
first." The rancher replied, "That won't be necessary.
Here it comes now."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Muffled Workers
Winters are fierce where he lives, so the owner of the estate felt He
was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even
on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?"
The Foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."
"Why don't you wear them?"
The Foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, and
somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him! Never again,
never again!"
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 21
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you have an "Automotive Minded" person in you life, these
gift suggestions should be considered.
1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you
need to change the air in your tires. This highly
recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much
easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or
twice a year. $25
2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this
stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12
3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24
4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good
turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a
new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each.
5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT.
If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound.
$3.50
6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for
specific application. From $9.99
7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with
T-50! $14.99
8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!)
>From $2.99
9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available
special order. $14.99
10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95
11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99
12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59
13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we
sell!) $40.24
14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95
15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99
16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road
obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50
17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck
begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes,
etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have
become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product
will safely remove the virus. $199
18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image
you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a
manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret
for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can
be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now
you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per
square ft.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the building committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or walleye, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official religious holiday.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as "branding".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what men get when they lift something too heavy.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized watering tank.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy's Ufdah Barbecue.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hub caps from a Ford F150.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
Then he went up the vent, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but some hooks and some
wire.
And the one speck of food that he left in the RV,
Was a crumb that was too small for even little John
Andretti.
Then he did the same thing to the other Fans RV’s
Leaving crumbs much too small for ANY John Andretti.
And last thing he did was climb the flag stand.
And took ALL the flags, red ,yellow, black, checkered
and green!
It was a quarter past dawn, all the Fans were still
a-dreamin’
The Fans still a-snorin’, when he packed up his old
Grand Prix.
Packed it up with all that Fan stuff. The Mark
Martin hats!
The Stewart t-shirts!
The die-cast cars!
The Dale Jarrett socks!
And finally the flags, red, yellow, black checkered
and green.
Up the side of Mount Rockingham, the old Wrench he did
climb.
His trunk piled high from his overnight snide.
He went to the top, and peered over the far edge,
And got ready to dump the bags over the ledge.
"Pooh-pooh to the Fans!" He was Wrenchly humming,
"They’re finding out that no racing is coming!"
"They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!"
"There mouth’s will hang open a minute or two!"
"Then all the Fans down in Fan-ville will cry
BOO-HOO!"
"That’s a noise" grinned the Wrench, "That I simply
MUST hear!".
So he paused. And the Wrench put a tiny hand to his
ear.
And he heard a sound rising from the track way down
there.
It started in low.
Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn’t sad.
No BOO-HOO!
And he looked very hard at the track down below.
And saw them pushing RACE cars onto pit row!
The Wrench popped his eyes. Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Fan down in Fan-ville, the tall and the small,
Was cheering! Why, they’d race after ALL!
He HADN’T stopped the race from coming. IT CAME!
Somehow or the other, they’d race just the same!
And the Wrench, with his wrenchy feet ice-cold in the
snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
How could they still cheer?"
"They’ll race without hats! Without flags, without
root beer!"
"And yet, somehow, they’ll still put on a show.
Race ‘round the track, off they’ll go"
And he puzzled awhile, and puzzled and puzzled' till
his puzzler hurt so.
Then the Wrench thought of something he hadn’t before!
"Maybe racing, means a lot more, than hats, or
T-shirts or stuff from a store," he thought.
"Maybe the drivers going around head to head, racing
each other counting the laps that each have lead."
The Wrench screwed his mouth and looked up in the
air,"
Maybe at the end of 500 miles or more,
after racing each other close, door to door,
one-hundred ninety miles an hour, sometimes a little
more."
The Wrench rubbed his pointy, wrenchy chin.
"Hmm...A TRUE test of a man is how far and fast he
will go."
And what happened then? Well...in Fan-ville they say
That the Wrenches small hands grew three sizes that
day!
And the minute his steering didn’t feel so tight.
He whizzed, raced really, with his load through the
bright morning light.
And he brought back all the Fans’ things!
And he brought back the flags, red, yellow, black,
checkered and green.
And he...HE HIMSELF...! The Wrench dropped the green
flag from the flag stand that day,
But not before all the Fans heard him say:
"Gentleman start your engines! Let the racing get
underway!"
The End
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>From a friend: 'Twas The Night Before Christmas (as if
written by a technical writer for a firm that does US
government contracting)
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and
throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity
was not in evidence among the possessors of this
potential, including that species of domestic rodent
known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously
suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning
caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory
pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an
eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric
appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in
their respective accommodations of repose, were
experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of
variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I,
attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to
take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the
grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance
that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my
place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the
precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the
barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon
that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was
on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation,
might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical
sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered
conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the
genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur
so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated
caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at
what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity
than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly,
expelled breath musically through contracted labia,
and addressed each of the octet by his or her
respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et
al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of
our abode, through which structure I could readily
distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32
cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location,
and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our
distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity
and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke
passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled
by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous
fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His
resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to
the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore
dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity,
while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every
evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of
his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged
with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral
emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet
cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled
nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small,
tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking
piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse
about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative
seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than
it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his
corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of
impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese,
jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of
whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every
effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering
and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head
slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on
my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced
filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with
various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise
extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally
transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this
task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a
single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his
olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a
gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his
egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke
passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector
onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of
air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar
aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among
the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I
overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately
prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary
constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my
sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and
gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and
dawn."
Versions of this article have been floating around the
Net for years. According to one visitor to this page,
"...this piece was compiled by students at the South
Dakota School of Mines and Technology in Rapid City,
South Dakota. The article was printed in the Rapid
City paper in December, 1983. I cannot recall the name
of the paper, but I still have my clipping of it from
that year so I do know from whence and where it
originated."
And Catherine writes, "As a graduate of South Dakota
School of Mines (SDSM&T) in 1978, I can tell you that
I found it in about 1974 at the University of South
Dakota (USD). I posted it on my dorm door at USD and
at SDSM&T. I recall I may have even read it when
working as a d-jay on KTEQ (the school's station).
Interesting that it ended up in the newspaper in Rapid
City. Who knows, it could have originally come out of
Mines."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: The Outhouse
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.
They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated
it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the
winter, and stunk all the time. The outhouse was
sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined
that one day he would push that outhouse into the
creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so
the little boy decided today was the day to push the
outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and
started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into
the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the
woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking,
the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "someone
pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you,
wasn't it, son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and
said, "Dad, I read in school today that George
Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get
into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's
father wasn't
in that cherry tree."
NOTE: my brother’s brain has always been stuck between floors.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"What Don't You Have?"
The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.
Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Cybersalt Digest
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Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
Today's CleanLaugh. - "What Don't You Have?"
The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.
Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"
Today's CleanQuote
"You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Born Again"
An irate subscriber stormed into a newspaper office waving the current edition, asking to see "whoever wrote the obituary column".
When referred to a young reporter, he stormed, "You can see I'm very much alive, and you've put me in the obituary column! I demand a retraction!"
Replied the reporter, "I never retract a story. But I tell you what I'll do. I'll put you in the birth column and give you a fresh start."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a
lot this year. (This happens when you combine a headstrong
two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young
adolescent.) Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of
her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the
two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it
when children fight. This had little impact.
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the
mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's
eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really
Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put
Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom
described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was
acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her,
she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would
be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with
their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things
to be better from now on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of
Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was
done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at
being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly
stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister
this year."
Received from Chris B.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Patient Request
The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver
transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a
cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas
trans. . ."
"What makes you think you need all these?"
Well, replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted
to keep my job I needed to get reorganized."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti: A Widow's Poem
Twas the night before Christmas
and it's quiet in the house,
no Husband ,no Children,quiet as a mouse,
memories flooding thru my head,
can't stay up and can't go to bed,
a tree of silver it was,all twinkleing with blue,
neath was Dolls,games and Trucks for the Girls and the
boys,
Now they are grown with kids of their own,
I Pray they treasure each moment for when they grow
old,
This season makes me want to cry,
for i look back with heartache and pride,
I Pray God watches over you ,
as time marches on,and you won't look back forlorn.
I Pray your forgives any wrong I done,
I should have done better,and had a real Home.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti: A Widow's Poem
Twas the night before Christmas
and it's quiet in the house,
no Husband ,no Children,quiet as a mouse,
memories flooding thru my head,
can't stay up and can't go to bed,
a tree of silver it was,all twinkleing with blue,
neath was Dolls,games and Trucks for the Girls and the
boys,
Now they are grown with kids of their own,
I Pray they treasure each moment for when they grow
old,
This season makes me want to cry,
for i look back with heartache and pride,
I Pray God watches over you ,
as time marches on,and you won't look back forlorn.
I Pray your forgives any wrong I done,
I should have done better,and had a real Home.
If you have an "Automotive Minded" person in you life, these
gift suggestions should be considered.
1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you
need to change the air in your tires. This highly
recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much
easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or
twice a year. $25
2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this
stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12
3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24
4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good
turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a
new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each.
5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT.
If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound.
$3.50
6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for
specific application. From $9.99
7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with
T-50! $14.99
8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!)
>From $2.99
9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available
special order. $14.99
10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95
11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99
12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59
13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we
sell!) $40.24
14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95
15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99
16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road
obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50
17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck
begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes,
etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have
become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product
will safely remove the virus. $199
18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image
you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a
manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret
for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can
be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now
you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per
square ft.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the building committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or walleye, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official religious holiday.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as "branding".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what men get when they lift something too heavy.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized watering tank.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy's Ufdah Barbecue.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hub caps from a Ford F150.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
Then he went up the vent, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but some hooks and some
wire.
And the one speck of food that he left in the RV,
Was a crumb that was too small for even little John
Andretti.
Then he did the same thing to the other Fans RV’s
Leaving crumbs much too small for ANY John Andretti.
And last thing he did was climb the flag stand.
And took ALL the flags, red ,yellow, black, checkered
and green!
It was a quarter past dawn, all the Fans were still
a-dreamin’
The Fans still a-snorin’, when he packed up his old
Grand Prix.
Packed it up with all that Fan stuff. The Mark
Martin hats!
The Stewart t-shirts!
The die-cast cars!
The Dale Jarrett socks!
And finally the flags, red, yellow, black checkered
and green.
Up the side of Mount Rockingham, the old Wrench he did
climb.
His trunk piled high from his overnight snide.
He went to the top, and peered over the far edge,
And got ready to dump the bags over the ledge.
"Pooh-pooh to the Fans!" He was Wrenchly humming,
"They’re finding out that no racing is coming!"
"They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!"
"There mouth’s will hang open a minute or two!"
"Then all the Fans down in Fan-ville will cry
BOO-HOO!"
"That’s a noise" grinned the Wrench, "That I simply
MUST hear!".
So he paused. And the Wrench put a tiny hand to his
ear.
And he heard a sound rising from the track way down
there.
It started in low.
Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn’t sad.
No BOO-HOO!
And he looked very hard at the track down below.
And saw them pushing RACE cars onto pit row!
The Wrench popped his eyes. Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Fan down in Fan-ville, the tall and the small,
Was cheering! Why, they’d race after ALL!
He HADN’T stopped the race from coming. IT CAME!
Somehow or the other, they’d race just the same!
And the Wrench, with his wrenchy feet ice-cold in the
snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
How could they still cheer?"
"They’ll race without hats! Without flags, without
root beer!"
"And yet, somehow, they’ll still put on a show.
Race ‘round the track, off they’ll go"
And he puzzled awhile, and puzzled and puzzled' till
his puzzler hurt so.
Then the Wrench thought of something he hadn’t before!
"Maybe racing, means a lot more, than hats, or
T-shirts or stuff from a store," he thought.
"Maybe the drivers going around head to head, racing
each other counting the laps that each have lead."
The Wrench screwed his mouth and looked up in the
air,"
Maybe at the end of 500 miles or more,
after racing each other close, door to door,
one-hundred ninety miles an hour, sometimes a little
more."
The Wrench rubbed his pointy, wrenchy chin.
"Hmm...A TRUE test of a man is how far and fast he
will go."
And what happened then? Well...in Fan-ville they say
That the Wrenches small hands grew three sizes that
day!
And the minute his steering didn’t feel so tight.
He whizzed, raced really, with his load through the
bright morning light.
And he brought back all the Fans’ things!
And he brought back the flags, red, yellow, black,
checkered and green.
And he...HE HIMSELF...! The Wrench dropped the green
flag from the flag stand that day,
But not before all the Fans heard him say:
"Gentleman start your engines! Let the racing get
underway!"
The End
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>From a friend: 'Twas The Night Before Christmas (as if
written by a technical writer for a firm that does US
government contracting)
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and
throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity
was not in evidence among the possessors of this
potential, including that species of domestic rodent
known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously
suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning
caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory
pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an
eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric
appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in
their respective accommodations of repose, were
experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of
variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I,
attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to
take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the
grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance
that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my
place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the
precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the
barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon
that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was
on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation,
might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical
sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered
conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the
genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur
so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated
caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at
what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity
than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly,
expelled breath musically through contracted labia,
and addressed each of the octet by his or her
respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et
al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of
our abode, through which structure I could readily
distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32
cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location,
and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our
distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity
and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke
passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled
by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous
fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His
resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to
the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore
dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity,
while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every
evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of
his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged
with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral
emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet
cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled
nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small,
tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking
piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse
about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative
seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than
it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his
corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of
impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese,
jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of
whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every
effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering
and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head
slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on
my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced
filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with
various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise
extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally
transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this
task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a
single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his
olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a
gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his
egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke
passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector
onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of
air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar
aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among
the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I
overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately
prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary
constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my
sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and
gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and
dawn."
Versions of this article have been floating around the
Net for years. According to one visitor to this page,
"...this piece was compiled by students at the South
Dakota School of Mines and Technology in Rapid City,
South Dakota. The article was printed in the Rapid
City paper in December, 1983. I cannot recall the name
of the paper, but I still have my clipping of it from
that year so I do know from whence and where it
originated."
And Catherine writes, "As a graduate of South Dakota
School of Mines (SDSM&T) in 1978, I can tell you that
I found it in about 1974 at the University of South
Dakota (USD). I posted it on my dorm door at USD and
at SDSM&T. I recall I may have even read it when
working as a d-jay on KTEQ (the school's station).
Interesting that it ended up in the newspaper in Rapid
City. Who knows, it could have originally come out of
Mines."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: The Outhouse
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.
They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated
it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the
winter, and stunk all the time. The outhouse was
sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined
that one day he would push that outhouse into the
creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so
the little boy decided today was the day to push the
outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and
started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into
the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the
woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking,
the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "someone
pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you,
wasn't it, son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and
said, "Dad, I read in school today that George
Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get
into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's
father wasn't
in that cherry tree."
NOTE: my brother’s brain has always been stuck between floors.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"What Don't You Have?"
The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.
Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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To manage your subscription (which includes unsubscribing)
Follow the instructions at the very end of this e-mail.
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Cybersalt News
Everyday, the Cybersalt Shaker site has new front page inspirational content, a new cartoon, a new CleanLaugh from the archives, and other material for reading.
http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
Today's CleanLaugh. - "What Don't You Have?"
The small girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.
Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"
Today's CleanQuote
"You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration. - "Born Again"
An irate subscriber stormed into a newspaper office waving the current edition, asking to see "whoever wrote the obituary column".
When referred to a young reporter, he stormed, "You can see I'm very much alive, and you've put me in the obituary column! I demand a retraction!"
Replied the reporter, "I never retract a story. But I tell you what I'll do. I'll put you in the birth column and give you a fresh start."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a
lot this year. (This happens when you combine a headstrong
two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young
adolescent.) Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of
her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the
two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it
when children fight. This had little impact.
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the
mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's
eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really
Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put
Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom
described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was
acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her,
she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would
be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with
their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things
to be better from now on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of
Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was
done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at
being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly
stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister
this year."
Received from Chris B.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Patient Request
The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver
transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a
cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas
trans. . ."
"What makes you think you need all these?"
Well, replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted
to keep my job I needed to get reorganized."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti: A Widow's Poem
Twas the night before Christmas
and it's quiet in the house,
no Husband ,no Children,quiet as a mouse,
memories flooding thru my head,
can't stay up and can't go to bed,
a tree of silver it was,all twinkleing with blue,
neath was Dolls,games and Trucks for the Girls and the
boys,
Now they are grown with kids of their own,
I Pray they treasure each moment for when they grow
old,
This season makes me want to cry,
for i look back with heartache and pride,
I Pray God watches over you ,
as time marches on,and you won't look back forlorn.
I Pray your forgives any wrong I done,
I should have done better,and had a real Home.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti: A Widow's Poem
Twas the night before Christmas
and it's quiet in the house,
no Husband ,no Children,quiet as a mouse,
memories flooding thru my head,
can't stay up and can't go to bed,
a tree of silver it was,all twinkleing with blue,
neath was Dolls,games and Trucks for the Girls and the
boys,
Now they are grown with kids of their own,
I Pray they treasure each moment for when they grow
old,
This season makes me want to cry,
for i look back with heartache and pride,
I Pray God watches over you ,
as time marches on,and you won't look back forlorn.
I Pray your forgives any wrong I done,
I should have done better,and had a real Home.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 20th
If you have an "Automotive Minded" person in you life, these
gift suggestions should be considered.
1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you
need to change the air in your tires. This highly
recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much
easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or
twice a year. $25
2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this
stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12
3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24
4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good
turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a
new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each.
5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT.
If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound.
$3.50
6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for
specific application. From $9.99
7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with
T-50! $14.99
8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!)
>From $2.99
9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available
special order. $14.99
10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95
11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99
12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59
13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we
sell!) $40.24
14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95
15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99
16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road
obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50
17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck
begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes,
etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have
become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product
will safely remove the virus. $199
18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image
you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a
manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret
for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can
be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now
you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per
square ft.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the building committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or walleye, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official religious holiday.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as "branding".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what men get when they lift something too heavy.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized watering tank.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy's Ufdah Barbecue.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hub caps from a Ford F150.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
Then he went up the vent, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but some hooks and some
wire.
And the one speck of food that he left in the RV,
Was a crumb that was too small for even little John
Andretti.
Then he did the same thing to the other Fans RV’s
Leaving crumbs much too small for ANY John Andretti.
And last thing he did was climb the flag stand.
And took ALL the flags, red ,yellow, black, checkered
and green!
It was a quarter past dawn, all the Fans were still
a-dreamin’
The Fans still a-snorin’, when he packed up his old
Grand Prix.
Packed it up with all that Fan stuff. The Mark
Martin hats!
The Stewart t-shirts!
The die-cast cars!
The Dale Jarrett socks!
And finally the flags, red, yellow, black checkered
and green.
Up the side of Mount Rockingham, the old Wrench he did
climb.
His trunk piled high from his overnight snide.
He went to the top, and peered over the far edge,
And got ready to dump the bags over the ledge.
"Pooh-pooh to the Fans!" He was Wrenchly humming,
"They’re finding out that no racing is coming!"
"They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!"
"There mouth’s will hang open a minute or two!"
"Then all the Fans down in Fan-ville will cry
BOO-HOO!"
"That’s a noise" grinned the Wrench, "That I simply
MUST hear!".
So he paused. And the Wrench put a tiny hand to his
ear.
And he heard a sound rising from the track way down
there.
It started in low.
Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn’t sad.
No BOO-HOO!
And he looked very hard at the track down below.
And saw them pushing RACE cars onto pit row!
The Wrench popped his eyes. Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Fan down in Fan-ville, the tall and the small,
Was cheering! Why, they’d race after ALL!
He HADN’T stopped the race from coming. IT CAME!
Somehow or the other, they’d race just the same!
And the Wrench, with his wrenchy feet ice-cold in the
snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
How could they still cheer?"
"They’ll race without hats! Without flags, without
root beer!"
"And yet, somehow, they’ll still put on a show.
Race ‘round the track, off they’ll go"
And he puzzled awhile, and puzzled and puzzled' till
his puzzler hurt so.
Then the Wrench thought of something he hadn’t before!
"Maybe racing, means a lot more, than hats, or
T-shirts or stuff from a store," he thought.
"Maybe the drivers going around head to head, racing
each other counting the laps that each have lead."
The Wrench screwed his mouth and looked up in the
air,"
Maybe at the end of 500 miles or more,
after racing each other close, door to door,
one-hundred ninety miles an hour, sometimes a little
more."
The Wrench rubbed his pointy, wrenchy chin.
"Hmm...A TRUE test of a man is how far and fast he
will go."
And what happened then? Well...in Fan-ville they say
That the Wrenches small hands grew three sizes that
day!
And the minute his steering didn’t feel so tight.
He whizzed, raced really, with his load through the
bright morning light.
And he brought back all the Fans’ things!
And he brought back the flags, red, yellow, black,
checkered and green.
And he...HE HIMSELF...! The Wrench dropped the green
flag from the flag stand that day,
But not before all the Fans heard him say:
"Gentleman start your engines! Let the racing get
underway!"
The End
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>From a friend: 'Twas The Night Before Christmas (as if
written by a technical writer for a firm that does US
government contracting)
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and
throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity
was not in evidence among the possessors of this
potential, including that species of domestic rodent
known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously
suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning
caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory
pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an
eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric
appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in
their respective accommodations of repose, were
experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of
variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I,
attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to
take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the
grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance
that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my
place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the
precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the
barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon
that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was
on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation,
might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical
sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered
conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the
genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur
so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated
caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at
what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity
than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly,
expelled breath musically through contracted labia,
and addressed each of the octet by his or her
respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et
al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of
our abode, through which structure I could readily
distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32
cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location,
and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our
distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity
and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke
passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled
by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous
fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His
resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to
the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore
dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity,
while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every
evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of
his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged
with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral
emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet
cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled
nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small,
tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking
piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse
about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative
seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than
it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his
corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of
impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese,
jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of
whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every
effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering
and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head
slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on
my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced
filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with
various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise
extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally
transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this
task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a
single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his
olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a
gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his
egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke
passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector
onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of
air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar
aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among
the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I
overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately
prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary
constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my
sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and
gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and
dawn."
Versions of this article have been floating around the
Net for years. According to one visitor to this page,
"...this piece was compiled by students at the South
Dakota School of Mines and Technology in Rapid City,
South Dakota. The article was printed in the Rapid
City paper in December, 1983. I cannot recall the name
of the paper, but I still have my clipping of it from
that year so I do know from whence and where it
originated."
And Catherine writes, "As a graduate of South Dakota
School of Mines (SDSM&T) in 1978, I can tell you that
I found it in about 1974 at the University of South
Dakota (USD). I posted it on my dorm door at USD and
at SDSM&T. I recall I may have even read it when
working as a d-jay on KTEQ (the school's station).
Interesting that it ended up in the newspaper in Rapid
City. Who knows, it could have originally come out of
Mines."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: The Outhouse
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.
They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated
it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the
winter, and stunk all the time. The outhouse was
sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined
that one day he would push that outhouse into the
creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so
the little boy decided today was the day to push the
outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and
started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into
the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the
woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking,
the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "someone
pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you,
wasn't it, son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and
said, "Dad, I read in school today that George
Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get
into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's
father wasn't
in that cherry tree."
gift suggestions should be considered.
1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you
need to change the air in your tires. This highly
recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much
easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or
twice a year. $25
2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this
stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12
3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24
4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good
turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a
new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each.
5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT.
If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound.
$3.50
6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for
specific application. From $9.99
7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with
T-50! $14.99
8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!)
>From $2.99
9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available
special order. $14.99
10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95
11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99
12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59
13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we
sell!) $40.24
14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95
15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99
16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road
obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50
17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck
begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes,
etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have
become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product
will safely remove the virus. $199
18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image
you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a
manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret
for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can
be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now
you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per
square ft.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the building committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or walleye, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official religious holiday.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism is referred to as "branding".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... high notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people think "rapture" is what men get when they lift something too heavy.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized watering tank.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy's Ufdah Barbecue.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the collection plates are really hub caps from a Ford F150.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
Then he went up the vent, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but some hooks and some
wire.
And the one speck of food that he left in the RV,
Was a crumb that was too small for even little John
Andretti.
Then he did the same thing to the other Fans RV’s
Leaving crumbs much too small for ANY John Andretti.
And last thing he did was climb the flag stand.
And took ALL the flags, red ,yellow, black, checkered
and green!
It was a quarter past dawn, all the Fans were still
a-dreamin’
The Fans still a-snorin’, when he packed up his old
Grand Prix.
Packed it up with all that Fan stuff. The Mark
Martin hats!
The Stewart t-shirts!
The die-cast cars!
The Dale Jarrett socks!
And finally the flags, red, yellow, black checkered
and green.
Up the side of Mount Rockingham, the old Wrench he did
climb.
His trunk piled high from his overnight snide.
He went to the top, and peered over the far edge,
And got ready to dump the bags over the ledge.
"Pooh-pooh to the Fans!" He was Wrenchly humming,
"They’re finding out that no racing is coming!"
"They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!"
"There mouth’s will hang open a minute or two!"
"Then all the Fans down in Fan-ville will cry
BOO-HOO!"
"That’s a noise" grinned the Wrench, "That I simply
MUST hear!".
So he paused. And the Wrench put a tiny hand to his
ear.
And he heard a sound rising from the track way down
there.
It started in low.
Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn’t sad.
No BOO-HOO!
And he looked very hard at the track down below.
And saw them pushing RACE cars onto pit row!
The Wrench popped his eyes. Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Fan down in Fan-ville, the tall and the small,
Was cheering! Why, they’d race after ALL!
He HADN’T stopped the race from coming. IT CAME!
Somehow or the other, they’d race just the same!
And the Wrench, with his wrenchy feet ice-cold in the
snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
How could they still cheer?"
"They’ll race without hats! Without flags, without
root beer!"
"And yet, somehow, they’ll still put on a show.
Race ‘round the track, off they’ll go"
And he puzzled awhile, and puzzled and puzzled' till
his puzzler hurt so.
Then the Wrench thought of something he hadn’t before!
"Maybe racing, means a lot more, than hats, or
T-shirts or stuff from a store," he thought.
"Maybe the drivers going around head to head, racing
each other counting the laps that each have lead."
The Wrench screwed his mouth and looked up in the
air,"
Maybe at the end of 500 miles or more,
after racing each other close, door to door,
one-hundred ninety miles an hour, sometimes a little
more."
The Wrench rubbed his pointy, wrenchy chin.
"Hmm...A TRUE test of a man is how far and fast he
will go."
And what happened then? Well...in Fan-ville they say
That the Wrenches small hands grew three sizes that
day!
And the minute his steering didn’t feel so tight.
He whizzed, raced really, with his load through the
bright morning light.
And he brought back all the Fans’ things!
And he brought back the flags, red, yellow, black,
checkered and green.
And he...HE HIMSELF...! The Wrench dropped the green
flag from the flag stand that day,
But not before all the Fans heard him say:
"Gentleman start your engines! Let the racing get
underway!"
The End
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>From a friend: 'Twas The Night Before Christmas (as if
written by a technical writer for a firm that does US
government contracting)
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and
throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity
was not in evidence among the possessors of this
potential, including that species of domestic rodent
known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously
suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning
caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory
pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an
eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric
appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in
their respective accommodations of repose, were
experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of
variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I,
attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to
take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the
grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance
that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my
place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the
precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the
barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon
that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was
on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation,
might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical
sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered
conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the
genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur
so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated
caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at
what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity
than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly,
expelled breath musically through contracted labia,
and addressed each of the octet by his or her
respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et
al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of
our abode, through which structure I could readily
distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32
cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location,
and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our
distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity
and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke
passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled
by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous
fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His
resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to
the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore
dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity,
while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every
evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of
his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged
with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral
emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet
cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled
nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small,
tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking
piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse
about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative
seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than
it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his
corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of
impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese,
jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of
whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every
effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering
and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head
slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on
my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced
filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with
various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise
extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally
transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this
task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a
single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his
olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a
gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his
egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke
passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector
onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of
air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar
aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among
the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I
overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately
prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary
constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my
sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and
gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and
dawn."
Versions of this article have been floating around the
Net for years. According to one visitor to this page,
"...this piece was compiled by students at the South
Dakota School of Mines and Technology in Rapid City,
South Dakota. The article was printed in the Rapid
City paper in December, 1983. I cannot recall the name
of the paper, but I still have my clipping of it from
that year so I do know from whence and where it
originated."
And Catherine writes, "As a graduate of South Dakota
School of Mines (SDSM&T) in 1978, I can tell you that
I found it in about 1974 at the University of South
Dakota (USD). I posted it on my dorm door at USD and
at SDSM&T. I recall I may have even read it when
working as a d-jay on KTEQ (the school's station).
Interesting that it ended up in the newspaper in Rapid
City. Who knows, it could have originally come out of
Mines."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: The Outhouse
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.
They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated
it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the
winter, and stunk all the time. The outhouse was
sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined
that one day he would push that outhouse into the
creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so
the little boy decided today was the day to push the
outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and
started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into
the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the
woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking,
the little boy asked why. The dad replied, "someone
pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you,
wasn't it, son?"
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and
said, "Dad, I read in school today that George
Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get
into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's
father wasn't
in that cherry tree."
Monday, December 19, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 19th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Natural Antibiotic "
While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural antibiotic.
I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration.
- "Empathy"
A Sunday school teacher was telling her youngsters about Daniel and the Lion's Den. To illustrate the lesson she had a picture of Daniel standing, brave and confident, with a group of lions around him. Suddenly, one little girl started to cry.
The teacher said, "Don't cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel."
Snubbing back sobs and tears the girl said, "That's not what I'm crying about. That little lion, over in the corner, isn't going to get anything to eat."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Signs that the Starship Enterprise is Nearing the End of It's Warranty"
- Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
- Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
- Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
- Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now help up by phone book.
- Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
- Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
- Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
- Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
- Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
- Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.
- Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
- Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
- Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"THE WRENCH WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS" will continue in a
day or two, Lord willing.
Some of these daily posts are pretty big of late, but
just skip over what you don't want to read and all
will be well.
Here is a great piece I meant to get out a few days
ago, as the author graciously offered me an exclusive
and messed around and failed to take advantage of it
in time.
All the same, thanks BC:
YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A……….JESUS!
In my youth I remember always hearing the phrase
“Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus” In the
ignorance of youth I associated it with someone trying
to prove to the state I love so dear that there was in
fact a Kris Kringle. In later years I learned that
Virginia was actually Virginia O’Hanlon, who had
written a letter to the editor asking if Jolly Old St.
Nicholas was real.[1] Through the years, The Jolly
Old Elf, Santa, has been able to remain a constant of
the Christmas Season. Jesus, however, has been all but
barred from the holiday. Merry Christmas has been
replaced with “Season’s Greetings.” Christmas trees
are now, in many places, “Holiday Trees.” Nativity
scenes can no longer be placed on public grounds,
while images of Santa and the reindeer are allowed to
fly through the city.
If Virginia O’Hanlon were to write her letter today it
might go something like this:
Yes, Virginia, There is a Jesus
Dear Editor—
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there
is no JESUS. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun,
it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Jesus?
Virginia O’Hanlon
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have
been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age.
They do not believe except they see: “blessed are they
that have not seen, and yet have believed (John
20:29).” They think that nothing can be which is not
comprehensible by their little minds “For now we see
through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I
know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am
known (1 Corinthians 13:12). All minds, Virginia,
whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In
this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an
ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless
world about him, as measured by the intelligence
capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Jesus. He exists as
certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist,
and you know that they abound and give to your life
its highest beauty and joy: “God is love” (1 John
4:16). Alas! how dreary would be the world if there
were no Jesus: “In him was life; and the life was the
light of men!” (John 1:4). It would be as dreary as if
there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike
faith then (Except ye be converted, and become as
little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom
of heaven, Matthew 18:3), no poetry, no romance to
make tolerable this existence. We should have no
enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external
light with which childhood fills the world would be
extinguished.
Not believe in Jesus! You might as well not believe in
Santa. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in
all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa
Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming
down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Jesus, but
that is no sign that there is no Jesus. The most real
things in the world are those that neither children
nor men can see. Nobody can conceive or imagine all
the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the
world.
You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes
the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the
unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the
united strength of all the strongest men that ever
lived could tear apart. Only faith, can push aside
that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty
and glory beyond: “By a new and living way, which he
hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to
say, his flesh” (Hebrews 10:20). Is it all real? Ah,
Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real
and abiding
No Jesus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A
thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000
years from now, he will continue to make glad the
heart of childhood.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
(2001)
'Twas The Night Before Christmas,
He Lived All Alone,
In A One Bedroom House Made Of
Plaster And Stone.
I Had Come Down The Chimney
With Presents To Give,
And To See Just Who
In This Home Did Live.
I Looked All About,
A Strange Sight I Did See,
No Tinsel, No Presents,
Not Even A Tree.
No Stocking By Mantle,
Just Boots Filled With Sand,
And On The Wall Pictures
Of Far Distant Lands.
With Medals And Badges,
Awards Of All Kinds,
A Sobering Thought
Came To My Mind.
For This House Was Different,
So Dark And So Dreary,
The Home Of A Soldier,
Now I Could See Clearly.
The Soldier Lay Sleeping,
Silent, Alone,
Curled Up On The Floor
In This One Bedroom Home.
The Face Was So Gentle,
The Room In Such Disorder,
Not How I Pictured
A United States Soldier.
Was This The Hero
Of Whom I'd Just Read?
Curled Up On A Poncho,
The Floor For A Bed?
I Realized The Families
That I Saw This Night,
Owed Their Lives To These Soldiers
Who Were Willing To Fight.
Soon Round The World,
The Children Would Play,
And Grownups Would Celebrate
A Bright Christmas Day.
They All Enjoyed Freedom
Each Month Of The Year,
Because Of The Soldiers,
Like The One Lying Here.
I Couldn't Help Wonder
How Many Lay Alone,
On A Cold Christmas Eve
In A Land Far From Home.
The Very Thought
Brought A Tear To My Eye,
I Dropped To My Knees
And Started To Cry.
The Soldier Awakened
And I Heard A Rough Voice,
"Santa Don't Cry,
This Life Is My Choice;
I Fight For Freedom,
I Don't Ask For More,
My Life Is My God,
My Country, My Corps."
The Soldier Rolled Over
And Soon Drifted To Sleep,
I Couldn't Control It,
I Continued To Weep.
I Kept Watch For Hours,
So Silent And Still,
And We Both Shivered
>From The Cold Evening's Chill.
I Didn't Want To Leave
On That Cold, Dark, Night,
This Guardian Of Honor
So Willing To Fight.
Then The Soldier Rolled Over,
With A Voice Soft And Pure,
Whispered, "Carry On Santa,
It's Christmas Day, All Is Secure."
One Look At My Watch,
And I Knew He Was Right.
"Merry Christmas My Friend,
And To All A Good Night."
(Author Unknown)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- ANSWERS FROM YESTERDAY
1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand
controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60's
to catch on.
2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a
steam iron?
3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and
expand, popping the bottle top.
4. a) Blackjack Gum.
5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing
a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored
water.
8 a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you
wore on a shoestring around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools
were closed, movies and other public gathering places
were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.
12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
13. c) Macaroni.
14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head
with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was
another puppet.
16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a
high.
17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be
traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
19. a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.
20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good
today..
SCORING
17- 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and obviously
gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only
find your glasses. Definitely someone who should
share your wisdom!
12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but you're getting
there.
0 -11 correct: You are not old enough to share the
wisdom of your experiences.
Send this to your friends with your score in the
subject line.
Natural Antibiotic "
While serving as associate pastor in a church in the California gold country, I had an elderly gentlemen attend some of our Bible studies.
When he missed one week, I called to see if he was alright. He told me he had started to feel sick, but a friend had told him of a natural supplement that had helped him to get better right away. When I asked what it was, he said it was available at health food stores and was like a natural antibiotic.
I again asked what this wonder supplement was called and he said, (meaning Echinacea) "Euthanasia, I think."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanQuote
"Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration.
- "Empathy"
A Sunday school teacher was telling her youngsters about Daniel and the Lion's Den. To illustrate the lesson she had a picture of Daniel standing, brave and confident, with a group of lions around him. Suddenly, one little girl started to cry.
The teacher said, "Don't cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel."
Snubbing back sobs and tears the girl said, "That's not what I'm crying about. That little lion, over in the corner, isn't going to get anything to eat."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Signs that the Starship Enterprise is Nearing the End of It's Warranty"
- Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.
- Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88".
- Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.
- Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now help up by phone book.
- Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w".
- Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.
- Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.
- Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.
- Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.
- Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.
- Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.
- Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.
- Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"THE WRENCH WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS" will continue in a
day or two, Lord willing.
Some of these daily posts are pretty big of late, but
just skip over what you don't want to read and all
will be well.
Here is a great piece I meant to get out a few days
ago, as the author graciously offered me an exclusive
and messed around and failed to take advantage of it
in time.
All the same, thanks BC:
YES, VIRGINIA, THERE IS A……….JESUS!
In my youth I remember always hearing the phrase
“Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus” In the
ignorance of youth I associated it with someone trying
to prove to the state I love so dear that there was in
fact a Kris Kringle. In later years I learned that
Virginia was actually Virginia O’Hanlon, who had
written a letter to the editor asking if Jolly Old St.
Nicholas was real.[1] Through the years, The Jolly
Old Elf, Santa, has been able to remain a constant of
the Christmas Season. Jesus, however, has been all but
barred from the holiday. Merry Christmas has been
replaced with “Season’s Greetings.” Christmas trees
are now, in many places, “Holiday Trees.” Nativity
scenes can no longer be placed on public grounds,
while images of Santa and the reindeer are allowed to
fly through the city.
If Virginia O’Hanlon were to write her letter today it
might go something like this:
Yes, Virginia, There is a Jesus
Dear Editor—
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there
is no JESUS. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun,
it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a Jesus?
Virginia O’Hanlon
Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have
been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age.
They do not believe except they see: “blessed are they
that have not seen, and yet have believed (John
20:29).” They think that nothing can be which is not
comprehensible by their little minds “For now we see
through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I
know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am
known (1 Corinthians 13:12). All minds, Virginia,
whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In
this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an
ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless
world about him, as measured by the intelligence
capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Jesus. He exists as
certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist,
and you know that they abound and give to your life
its highest beauty and joy: “God is love” (1 John
4:16). Alas! how dreary would be the world if there
were no Jesus: “In him was life; and the life was the
light of men!” (John 1:4). It would be as dreary as if
there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike
faith then (Except ye be converted, and become as
little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom
of heaven, Matthew 18:3), no poetry, no romance to
make tolerable this existence. We should have no
enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external
light with which childhood fills the world would be
extinguished.
Not believe in Jesus! You might as well not believe in
Santa. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in
all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa
Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming
down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Jesus, but
that is no sign that there is no Jesus. The most real
things in the world are those that neither children
nor men can see. Nobody can conceive or imagine all
the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the
world.
You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes
the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the
unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the
united strength of all the strongest men that ever
lived could tear apart. Only faith, can push aside
that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty
and glory beyond: “By a new and living way, which he
hath consecrated for us, through the veil, that is to
say, his flesh” (Hebrews 10:20). Is it all real? Ah,
Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real
and abiding
No Jesus! Thank God! he lives and lives forever. A
thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000
years from now, he will continue to make glad the
heart of childhood.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
(2001)
'Twas The Night Before Christmas,
He Lived All Alone,
In A One Bedroom House Made Of
Plaster And Stone.
I Had Come Down The Chimney
With Presents To Give,
And To See Just Who
In This Home Did Live.
I Looked All About,
A Strange Sight I Did See,
No Tinsel, No Presents,
Not Even A Tree.
No Stocking By Mantle,
Just Boots Filled With Sand,
And On The Wall Pictures
Of Far Distant Lands.
With Medals And Badges,
Awards Of All Kinds,
A Sobering Thought
Came To My Mind.
For This House Was Different,
So Dark And So Dreary,
The Home Of A Soldier,
Now I Could See Clearly.
The Soldier Lay Sleeping,
Silent, Alone,
Curled Up On The Floor
In This One Bedroom Home.
The Face Was So Gentle,
The Room In Such Disorder,
Not How I Pictured
A United States Soldier.
Was This The Hero
Of Whom I'd Just Read?
Curled Up On A Poncho,
The Floor For A Bed?
I Realized The Families
That I Saw This Night,
Owed Their Lives To These Soldiers
Who Were Willing To Fight.
Soon Round The World,
The Children Would Play,
And Grownups Would Celebrate
A Bright Christmas Day.
They All Enjoyed Freedom
Each Month Of The Year,
Because Of The Soldiers,
Like The One Lying Here.
I Couldn't Help Wonder
How Many Lay Alone,
On A Cold Christmas Eve
In A Land Far From Home.
The Very Thought
Brought A Tear To My Eye,
I Dropped To My Knees
And Started To Cry.
The Soldier Awakened
And I Heard A Rough Voice,
"Santa Don't Cry,
This Life Is My Choice;
I Fight For Freedom,
I Don't Ask For More,
My Life Is My God,
My Country, My Corps."
The Soldier Rolled Over
And Soon Drifted To Sleep,
I Couldn't Control It,
I Continued To Weep.
I Kept Watch For Hours,
So Silent And Still,
And We Both Shivered
>From The Cold Evening's Chill.
I Didn't Want To Leave
On That Cold, Dark, Night,
This Guardian Of Honor
So Willing To Fight.
Then The Soldier Rolled Over,
With A Voice Soft And Pure,
Whispered, "Carry On Santa,
It's Christmas Day, All Is Secure."
One Look At My Watch,
And I Knew He Was Right.
"Merry Christmas My Friend,
And To All A Good Night."
(Author Unknown)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- ANSWERS FROM YESTERDAY
1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand
controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60's
to catch on.
2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a
steam iron?
3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and
expand, popping the bottle top.
4. a) Blackjack Gum.
5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing
a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored
water.
8 a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you
wore on a shoestring around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools
were closed, movies and other public gathering places
were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.
12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
13. c) Macaroni.
14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head
with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was
another puppet.
16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a
high.
17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be
traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
19. a) The widely famous 50's group: The Inkspots.
20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good
today..
SCORING
17- 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and obviously
gifted with mental abilities. Now if you could only
find your glasses. Definitely someone who should
share your wisdom!
12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but you're getting
there.
0 -11 correct: You are not old enough to share the
wisdom of your experiences.
Send this to your friends with your score in the
subject line.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 18th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Politically Correct Rudolph
Original text is followed by the "politically correct" translation.
Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolf was a four-hooved ungulate,
Original: Had a very shiny nose ...
Translation: Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage
of a maroon lustre.
Original: And if you ever saw him ...
Translation: Consequently, if circumstances were to present
themselves that he ever came into your view,
Original: You would even say it glows ...
Translation: You would most undoubtedly remark at to its
illuminary qualities.
Original: All of the other reindeer ...
Translation: The multitude of other members of the population
in his ecological community,
Original: Used to laugh and call him names ...
Translation: Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,
and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms --
the objective of which was to lower
his self-esteen and make him miserable.
Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games ...
Translation: They also excluded him from participation in leisure
activities consistent with their species.
Original: Then one foggy Christmas eve ...
Translation: However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an
unspecified year,
Original: Santa came to say ...
Translation: A mythological, supernatural being inherent to
western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas
attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children)
arrived through the supersaturated, humid air.
Original: Rudolph, with your nose so bright ...
Translation: He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary
nasal characteristic,
Original: Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Translation: To stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle
with the express purpose that he navigate through
the nocturnal mist.
Original: Then all the reindeer loved him ...
Translation: At that point, the multitude of other members
of the population in his ecological community
who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,
and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed
their disposition toward Rudolph to a more
congenial, amicable relationship.
Original: And they shouted out with glee ...
Translation: They consequently exclaimed with great
exaltation and fervor,
Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon
nasal appendage,
Original: You'll go down in history!
Translation: You shall most certainly be recorded in the
annals of time and your memory will be preserved
for posterity!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Continued from a few days ago...
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most
unpleasant
And he took every Fan thing in the room that was
present!
Mark Martin hats! T-shirts for Stewart! Dale Jarrett
socks!
Belt buckles for Dale junior!
Mugs from Labonte, both Terry and Bobby!
Die-cast cars collected as a hobby!
And he stuffed them in the bags.
Then the Wrench, very aloof, stuffed all the bags
One by one up to the roof.
Then he slunk to the icebox and as dirty as dirt.
He took all their food and shoved it down his shirt!
He cleaned out the icebox as quick as a deer.
Why that Wrench even took their last can of root beer!
(edited, ts)
Then he stuffed the whole load up onto the roof,
Where it landed on Max, who let out a ‘ooch’!
"And NOW!" grinned the Wrench," I‘ll head to the next,
There’s much, too much work that’s yet to be done!"
But as he turned to the vent and started to jump up
with a lerp.
He heard a sound behind him, a quite large burp.
He turned around fast, and saw a large Fan!
A big old redneck, who went by the name of Dan.
The Wrench had been caught by this big redneck who
stood near
Who’d gotten out of bed to relieve himself of root
beer. (edited, ts)
He stared at the Wrench, looking quite tipsy, and
said," Junior...Junior? What are YOU doin’ here?"
Now you know, that old Wrench was so smart and so
slick.
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!
"Hey dude, sorry thought this was my hauler."
And this fib fooled the man.
The Wrench reached in his shirt and pulled out a root
beer.(edited, ts)
Then gave it to the man and whispered in his ear,
"Here, take this, thanks for your support".
Then he patted the man on the on his big redneck belly
and sent him to bed.
And when the redneck went to bed with his root beer
(edited, ts),
He went to the vent and gave a silent cheer.
To be continued…
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New Boots
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new
boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car
one morning and finally had gotten her boots.
"Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where
did you get them?"
"At the store," she answered.
"Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause
said, "Both of them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- History Exam...
Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time at
this exam. If you are under 40 you can claim a
handicap.
This is a History Exam for those who don't mind seeing
how much they really remember about what went on in
their life. Get paper and pencil and number from 1 to
20.
Write the letter of each answer and score at the end.
Then, best of all, before you pass this test on, put
your score in the subject line!
1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight
dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had
holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern
winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and
milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the
cardboard bottle top.
4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game
of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps!
5. What method did women use to look as if they were
wearing stockings when none were available due to
rationing during W.W.II
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its
ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or
going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
inside
8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller
skates attached to your shoes?
a With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to
reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio
12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b What you did when your Mom called you in to do
chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with
your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the
Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajawea
c. Princess Moonshadow
16. What did all the really savvy students d o when
mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was
believed to get you high
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs
out the windo w
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid
their failure
17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green
Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs,
which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for
various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on
tattoos
18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition
19. What was the name of the singing group that made
the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Benn ett
b. Xavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin
Answers tomorrow...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend: CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE
PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED
Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens
Disoriented Are
Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me
Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn
and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars
and Busses and Trucks and treesand Fire Hydrants
and...
Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of
Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm
Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to my wife -- who received this from a friend:
Teacher's Night Before Christmas (Marytha Pitt)
'Twas the night before Christmas
And in a teacher's home
Not a muscle was stirring
Not even a bone!
For my poor dear teacher
Was all tuckered out
>From the hustle and bustle
Before school let out.
No time to bake cookies
No time to bake cakes,
And thoughts of tomorrow
Just gave her the shakes.
She heaved a great sigh
And just flopped into bed
While nightmares of students
Raced through her head.
Down Janet! Down Terry!
Come Karen and Susan
(With all the excitement
Their attention I'm losin')
To the top of the class
To the head of them all!
Now read away! Write away!
Find a way all!
"As dry leaves that before
The wild hurricane fly,"
They finished their classwork,
(Sure, they did... my eye!)
And more visions she had
Of appointments with mothers
Who wondered if Johnny
Was as smart as the others.
But all of these worries
We hope you'll forget.
Remember we love you
There's good in us yet.
So take heart, dear teacher,
The end is in sight.
Happy Christmas tomorrow,
But for now... just Good Night!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend: A Commercial X-mas
If DEC ran Christmas ..
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which
is put in your attic on the weekend after
Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after
the January bowl games.
If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely
larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to
celebrate the season with a device attached
conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely
hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter
ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about
seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and
handling charges.
If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million, but would
be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the
year.
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on
your tree (all identical) at the same time.
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal
driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on
shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know
anything about them or what they were for. Or you
could buy parts to build your own tree.
If K-Tel ran Christmas...
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you
purchased some, they would be accompanied by a free
set of Ginsu knives.
If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats: 10 Things Men Understand
About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Politically Correct Rudolph
Original text is followed by the "politically correct" translation.
Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolf was a four-hooved ungulate,
Original: Had a very shiny nose ...
Translation: Who, incidentally, possessed a nasal appendage
of a maroon lustre.
Original: And if you ever saw him ...
Translation: Consequently, if circumstances were to present
themselves that he ever came into your view,
Original: You would even say it glows ...
Translation: You would most undoubtedly remark at to its
illuminary qualities.
Original: All of the other reindeer ...
Translation: The multitude of other members of the population
in his ecological community,
Original: Used to laugh and call him names ...
Translation: Had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,
and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms --
the objective of which was to lower
his self-esteen and make him miserable.
Original: They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games ...
Translation: They also excluded him from participation in leisure
activities consistent with their species.
Original: Then one foggy Christmas eve ...
Translation: However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an
unspecified year,
Original: Santa came to say ...
Translation: A mythological, supernatural being inherent to
western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas
attitude and allegedly brings gifts to children)
arrived through the supersaturated, humid air.
Original: Rudolph, with your nose so bright ...
Translation: He formally invited Rudolph, due to his extraordinary
nasal characteristic,
Original: Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?
Translation: To stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle
with the express purpose that he navigate through
the nocturnal mist.
Original: Then all the reindeer loved him ...
Translation: At that point, the multitude of other members
of the population in his ecological community
who had previously teased, chuckled boisterously,
and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, reversed
their disposition toward Rudolph to a more
congenial, amicable relationship.
Original: And they shouted out with glee ...
Translation: They consequently exclaimed with great
exaltation and fervor,
Original: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer ...
Translation: Rudolph, the antlered mammal with a maroon
nasal appendage,
Original: You'll go down in history!
Translation: You shall most certainly be recorded in the
annals of time and your memory will be preserved
for posterity!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Continued from a few days ago...
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most
unpleasant
And he took every Fan thing in the room that was
present!
Mark Martin hats! T-shirts for Stewart! Dale Jarrett
socks!
Belt buckles for Dale junior!
Mugs from Labonte, both Terry and Bobby!
Die-cast cars collected as a hobby!
And he stuffed them in the bags.
Then the Wrench, very aloof, stuffed all the bags
One by one up to the roof.
Then he slunk to the icebox and as dirty as dirt.
He took all their food and shoved it down his shirt!
He cleaned out the icebox as quick as a deer.
Why that Wrench even took their last can of root beer!
(edited, ts)
Then he stuffed the whole load up onto the roof,
Where it landed on Max, who let out a ‘ooch’!
"And NOW!" grinned the Wrench," I‘ll head to the next,
There’s much, too much work that’s yet to be done!"
But as he turned to the vent and started to jump up
with a lerp.
He heard a sound behind him, a quite large burp.
He turned around fast, and saw a large Fan!
A big old redneck, who went by the name of Dan.
The Wrench had been caught by this big redneck who
stood near
Who’d gotten out of bed to relieve himself of root
beer. (edited, ts)
He stared at the Wrench, looking quite tipsy, and
said," Junior...Junior? What are YOU doin’ here?"
Now you know, that old Wrench was so smart and so
slick.
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!
"Hey dude, sorry thought this was my hauler."
And this fib fooled the man.
The Wrench reached in his shirt and pulled out a root
beer.(edited, ts)
Then gave it to the man and whispered in his ear,
"Here, take this, thanks for your support".
Then he patted the man on the on his big redneck belly
and sent him to bed.
And when the redneck went to bed with his root beer
(edited, ts),
He went to the vent and gave a silent cheer.
To be continued…
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
New Boots
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new
boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car
one morning and finally had gotten her boots.
"Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where
did you get them?"
"At the store," she answered.
"Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause
said, "Both of them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- History Exam...
Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time at
this exam. If you are under 40 you can claim a
handicap.
This is a History Exam for those who don't mind seeing
how much they really remember about what went on in
their life. Get paper and pencil and number from 1 to
20.
Write the letter of each answer and score at the end.
Then, best of all, before you pass this test on, put
your score in the subject line!
1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight
dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had
holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern
winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and
milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the
cardboard bottle top.
4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game
of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps!
5. What method did women use to look as if they were
wearing stockings when none were available due to
rationing during W.W.II
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its
ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or
going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
inside
8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust
9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller
skates attached to your shoes?
a With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to
reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio
12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b What you did when your Mom called you in to do
chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with
your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the
Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajawea
c. Princess Moonshadow
16. What did all the really savvy students d o when
mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was
believed to get you high
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs
out the windo w
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid
their failure
17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green
Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs,
which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for
various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on
tattoos
18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition
19. What was the name of the singing group that made
the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Benn ett
b. Xavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin
Answers tomorrow...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend: CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE
PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED
Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens
Disoriented Are
Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me
Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn
and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars
and Busses and Trucks and treesand Fire Hydrants
and...
Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of
Roasting on an Open Fire
Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm
Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to my wife -- who received this from a friend:
Teacher's Night Before Christmas (Marytha Pitt)
'Twas the night before Christmas
And in a teacher's home
Not a muscle was stirring
Not even a bone!
For my poor dear teacher
Was all tuckered out
>From the hustle and bustle
Before school let out.
No time to bake cookies
No time to bake cakes,
And thoughts of tomorrow
Just gave her the shakes.
She heaved a great sigh
And just flopped into bed
While nightmares of students
Raced through her head.
Down Janet! Down Terry!
Come Karen and Susan
(With all the excitement
Their attention I'm losin')
To the top of the class
To the head of them all!
Now read away! Write away!
Find a way all!
"As dry leaves that before
The wild hurricane fly,"
They finished their classwork,
(Sure, they did... my eye!)
And more visions she had
Of appointments with mothers
Who wondered if Johnny
Was as smart as the others.
But all of these worries
We hope you'll forget.
Remember we love you
There's good in us yet.
So take heart, dear teacher,
The end is in sight.
Happy Christmas tomorrow,
But for now... just Good Night!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend: A Commercial X-mas
If DEC ran Christmas ..
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?
If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which
is put in your attic on the weekend after
Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after
the January bowl games.
If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely
larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to
celebrate the season with a device attached
conveniently to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely
hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter
ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about
seven pounds, and require you to pay shipping and
handling charges.
If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million, but would
be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the
year.
If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on
your tree (all identical) at the same time.
If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal
driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on
shopping.
If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know
anything about them or what they were for. Or you
could buy parts to build your own tree.
If K-Tel ran Christmas...
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you
purchased some, they would be accompanied by a free
set of Ginsu knives.
If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats: 10 Things Men Understand
About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
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10.
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