Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device
that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free
service, except that you undoubtably will destroy it via
some typical bonehead consumer maneuver. Which is why we ask
you to PLEASE FOR [HEAVEN]'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL
CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED
IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE
SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR
VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD," THIS
CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? AND YOU'RE
JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, RIGHT??? WE
MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY
BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"What Don't You Have?"
An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says," I am so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs..."
"Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things. What don't you have?"
The man answers, "Teeth."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's CleanQuote
"Cheer up. Life isn't everything."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration.
- "Faith and Suffering "
I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear. The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?"
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them, 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Slap That Kid...
"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me
twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said
to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse,
she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks
tomorrow.' "
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Um.....
A man answers the phone and has the following
conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day.
Dianne has been quite difficult... Yes, I know I ought
to be more firm, but it is hard... Well, you know how
she is... Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember
you told me that she was a vile creature who would
make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry
her... You were perfectly right. You want to speak
with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife
in the next room: "Dianne, your mother wants to talk
to you!"
******************************************************
Thanks to Marti -- The Holy Alphabet...
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be
bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Um.....
A man answers the phone and has the following
conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day.
Dianne has been quite difficult... Yes, I know I ought
to be more firm, but it is hard... Well, you know how
she is... Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember
you told me that she was a vile creature who would
make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry
her... You were perfectly right. You want to speak
with her? All right."
He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife
in the next room: "Dianne, your mother wants to talk
to you!"
******************************************************
Thanks to Marti -- The Holy Alphabet...
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be
bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
Friday, December 16, 2005
Thursday, December 15, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 15th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of
forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased
male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his
back, flippers, and face mask.
A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from
massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully
clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the
coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to
control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of
helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the
ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the
Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket
300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
___________________________________________
Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the
kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped
into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged
along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and
bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for
an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went
down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort
them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right
the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the
spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went
into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending
to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers
blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again
phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they
asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They
started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the
husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
______________________________________________
Still having a bad day?
Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running
from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily
listening to his Walkman.
_______________________________________________
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand
pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
____________________________________________
What?! STILL having a bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting
it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get Out Much?
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our
table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner
for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter
had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born
in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get Out Much?
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our
table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner
for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter
had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born
in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"How many calories in a mouse?" and "What should I feed a
borderline collie?" are just a few of the wacky questions
that the Iams Pet Professionals have fielded from pet
owners. Here are some of the team's favorite calls in recent
years to 800-863-IAMS (4267):
* "My two-year-old daughter loves the taste of Iams -- is it
okay for her to eat it?" -- mother, Staten Island, N.Y.
* "What's the best way to get superglue off my dog's paws?"
-- dog owner, Arlington, Tex.
* "Can a dog get claustrophobia?" -- dog owner, Cambridge,
Mass.
* "My dog growls in his sleep. Do you think he could have a
vitamin B deficiency?" -- dog owner, Puyallup, Wash.
* "How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams Chunks dog
food?" -- dog owner, Anchorage, Ak.
* "I think if my dog received mail, it would build his
character. Can I register him on your mailing list?" -- dog
owner, Richmond, Va.
* "Where can I get a six-toed cat?" -- cat owner, El Paso,
Tex.
* "How do I potty train my pot belly pig?" -- pot belly pig
owner, Vero Beach, Fla.
* "What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I
sing and dance for her." -- cat owner, New York, N.Y.
* "Is it normal for a dog to shed?" -- dog owner, Miami,
Fla.
* "I have two new kittens and I don't want to leave them
home alone. Can I carry them around in my gym bag?" -- new
kitten owner, Brooklyn, N.Y.
* "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" -- pet
owner, Ephrata, Wash.
* "My son just sold me a subscription to the Iams Your Cat
magazine. But you tell me it's free?" -- concerned mom,
Englewood, Ohio.
* "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's
teeth?" -- puppy owner, Chico, Calif.
* "I raise worms -- the world's most perfect protein source.
How about using them in your food?" -- worm farmer, Long
Barn, Ohio.
* "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's
toothbrush?" -- cat owner, Los Angeles, Calif.
* "I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a
tattoo?" -- pet owner, North Tonawanda, N.Y.
"When these type of calls come in, it's hard to keep a
straight face," says Sally Northcutt, manager of Customer
Service, The Iams Company. "But we know that most of the
time, we have a customer on the phone who is genuinely
concerned for his or her pet. Our sole purpose is to help
pet owners with their questions, so however strange those
questions may seem, we try our best to answer them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY.... check it out these actual cases
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of
forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased
male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his
back, flippers, and face mask.
A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from
massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully
clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the
coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to
control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of
helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the
ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the
Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket
300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
___________________________________________
Still think you're having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the
kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped
into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged
along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and
bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for
an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went
down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort
them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right
the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the
spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the
shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went
into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending
to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers
blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again
phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they
asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They
started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the
husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
______________________________________________
Still having a bad day?
Just remember, it could be worse...
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a
killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking
frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running
from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away
from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily
listening to his Walkman.
_______________________________________________
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand
pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly
The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
____________________________________________
What?! STILL having a bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting
it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get Out Much?
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our
table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner
for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter
had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born
in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get Out Much?
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our
table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner
for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter
had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born
in. "He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"How many calories in a mouse?" and "What should I feed a
borderline collie?" are just a few of the wacky questions
that the Iams Pet Professionals have fielded from pet
owners. Here are some of the team's favorite calls in recent
years to 800-863-IAMS (4267):
* "My two-year-old daughter loves the taste of Iams -- is it
okay for her to eat it?" -- mother, Staten Island, N.Y.
* "What's the best way to get superglue off my dog's paws?"
-- dog owner, Arlington, Tex.
* "Can a dog get claustrophobia?" -- dog owner, Cambridge,
Mass.
* "My dog growls in his sleep. Do you think he could have a
vitamin B deficiency?" -- dog owner, Puyallup, Wash.
* "How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams Chunks dog
food?" -- dog owner, Anchorage, Ak.
* "I think if my dog received mail, it would build his
character. Can I register him on your mailing list?" -- dog
owner, Richmond, Va.
* "Where can I get a six-toed cat?" -- cat owner, El Paso,
Tex.
* "How do I potty train my pot belly pig?" -- pot belly pig
owner, Vero Beach, Fla.
* "What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I
sing and dance for her." -- cat owner, New York, N.Y.
* "Is it normal for a dog to shed?" -- dog owner, Miami,
Fla.
* "I have two new kittens and I don't want to leave them
home alone. Can I carry them around in my gym bag?" -- new
kitten owner, Brooklyn, N.Y.
* "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" -- pet
owner, Ephrata, Wash.
* "My son just sold me a subscription to the Iams Your Cat
magazine. But you tell me it's free?" -- concerned mom,
Englewood, Ohio.
* "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's
teeth?" -- puppy owner, Chico, Calif.
* "I raise worms -- the world's most perfect protein source.
How about using them in your food?" -- worm farmer, Long
Barn, Ohio.
* "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's
toothbrush?" -- cat owner, Los Angeles, Calif.
* "I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a
tattoo?" -- pet owner, North Tonawanda, N.Y.
"When these type of calls come in, it's hard to keep a
straight face," says Sally Northcutt, manager of Customer
Service, The Iams Company. "But we know that most of the
time, we have a customer on the phone who is genuinely
concerned for his or her pet. Our sole purpose is to help
pet owners with their questions, so however strange those
questions may seem, we try our best to answer them."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 14th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed"
to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet
again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have
not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea
supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The
last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only
two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and
"Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a
heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert
level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate
Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a
Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual,
and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling
out of Brussels.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Cart Ads"
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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http://www.cybersaltshaker.org
Today's CleanLaugh. - "Cart Ads"
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."
Today's CleanQuote
"What is beautiful is not always good, but what is good is not always beautiful."
- Unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration.
- "Training"
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "You're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now here's a Christmas Poem I like -- Revv Those
Engines!!!
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
December 5 (adapted from the " How The Grinch stole
Christmas, by Dr. Suess)
(This is the first of my annual Christmas NASCAR
Style Stories. I'll debut one every week during
December)
Down in Fan-ville they liked racing a lot
But the 'Wrench', who lived just north of Fan-ville,
did NOT!
The 'Wrench' hated racing! The whole racing season.
Now please don't ask why, No one quite knows the
reason.
It could be that his helmet wasn't screwed on quite
right.
It could be, perhaps, that his 'steering' was too
tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that his hands was two sizes too small.
But whatever the reason, his head or his hands,
He stood there the night before the first race, hating
the Fans. Staring down from his cave with a sour,
Wrenchy pout
At the motorhomes below in the infield scattered all
about.
Was busy now hanging driver flags with glee.
"And they're wearing driver t-shirts!" he snarled with
a sneer, "Tomorrow is race day! It's practically
here!"
Then he growled, with his Wrench fingers nervously
drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep race day from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...All Fan guys and gals
Would wake up bright and early with screams and happy
howls...
They'd head for the track. They'd rush the
grandstands!
Hats on their heads and scanners in their hands.
They drop that green flag and then, And then!
Oh the noise!
Oh the noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's the one thing he hated!
The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
The Fans, young and old, would sit down there to watch
them race.
And they'd race.
And they'd race!
And they'd RACE! RACE! RACE! RACE!
Those infernal machines would start going round,
the Fans all cheering, yelling so loud!
But, before all of THAT they'd do something he liked
least of all. Every Fan down in Fanville, the tall
and the small,
in the stands, in the infield And along the pit
wall,
Would place their Fan hands over their little Fan
hearts,
And they'd start singing. They'd sing! And they'd
sing.
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
(To Be Continued)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: GIFT OF GIVING
The holiday season comes with lots and lots of rain
And just like the water, our money goes down the
drain.
But what would the season be, without the spirit of
living?
It would be like the world of the dead, without the
gift of giving.
For the ability to give is a gift, which came from
God, above;
HE gave his beloved son as a token of HIS undying
love.
And Jesus continued the gift by dying on Calvary
To save everyone who obeys him, every sinner just like
me.
Oh, that I may follow and imitate their blessed
example
That others may see in me a tiny bit of a sample
Of the greatness of God and HIS blessed son.
May others see and say, " In all, may HIS will be
done."
By L. B. Strawn
December 1, 1998
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed"
to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet
again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have
not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea
supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The
last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only
two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and
"Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a
heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert
level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate
Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a
Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual,
and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling
out of Brussels.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Cart Ads"
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Today's CleanLaugh. - "Cart Ads"
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."
Today's CleanQuote
"What is beautiful is not always good, but what is good is not always beautiful."
- Unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration.
- "Training"
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.
An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come. "Men," our sergeant yelled, "You're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"
Revitalized, we picked up the pace. "And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now here's a Christmas Poem I like -- Revv Those
Engines!!!
The Wrench Who Stole Racing
By Greg Engle
Cup Scene Daily
December 5 (adapted from the " How The Grinch stole
Christmas, by Dr. Suess)
(This is the first of my annual Christmas NASCAR
Style Stories. I'll debut one every week during
December)
Down in Fan-ville they liked racing a lot
But the 'Wrench', who lived just north of Fan-ville,
did NOT!
The 'Wrench' hated racing! The whole racing season.
Now please don't ask why, No one quite knows the
reason.
It could be that his helmet wasn't screwed on quite
right.
It could be, perhaps, that his 'steering' was too
tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that his hands was two sizes too small.
But whatever the reason, his head or his hands,
He stood there the night before the first race, hating
the Fans. Staring down from his cave with a sour,
Wrenchy pout
At the motorhomes below in the infield scattered all
about.
Was busy now hanging driver flags with glee.
"And they're wearing driver t-shirts!" he snarled with
a sneer, "Tomorrow is race day! It's practically
here!"
Then he growled, with his Wrench fingers nervously
drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep race day from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...All Fan guys and gals
Would wake up bright and early with screams and happy
howls...
They'd head for the track. They'd rush the
grandstands!
Hats on their heads and scanners in their hands.
They drop that green flag and then, And then!
Oh the noise!
Oh the noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's the one thing he hated!
The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
The Fans, young and old, would sit down there to watch
them race.
And they'd race.
And they'd race!
And they'd RACE! RACE! RACE! RACE!
Those infernal machines would start going round,
the Fans all cheering, yelling so loud!
But, before all of THAT they'd do something he liked
least of all. Every Fan down in Fanville, the tall
and the small,
in the stands, in the infield And along the pit
wall,
Would place their Fan hands over their little Fan
hearts,
And they'd start singing. They'd sing! And they'd
sing.
AND they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
(To Be Continued)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: GIFT OF GIVING
The holiday season comes with lots and lots of rain
And just like the water, our money goes down the
drain.
But what would the season be, without the spirit of
living?
It would be like the world of the dead, without the
gift of giving.
For the ability to give is a gift, which came from
God, above;
HE gave his beloved son as a token of HIS undying
love.
And Jesus continued the gift by dying on Calvary
To save everyone who obeys him, every sinner just like
me.
Oh, that I may follow and imitate their blessed
example
That others may see in me a tiny bit of a sample
Of the greatness of God and HIS blessed son.
May others see and say, " In all, may HIS will be
done."
By L. B. Strawn
December 1, 1998
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 13th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Lobster Pets "
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As part of our EAPD goals this next year, I came across this
exercise to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.
It seems so easy that I am directing you to include it as
part of your EAPD goals for next year.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have
plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in
each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and
hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold
this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of
weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato
sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a
100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each
of the sacks; but be careful!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is long again, but here is the BONUS HOLIDAY JOKE:
Puppy Christmas
On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eleven unwrapped presents
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
A dozen puppy kisses and I forgot all about the other
eleven days.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend -- Worthy Quotes
The man who once most wisely said, "Be sure you're
right, then go ahead."
Might as well have added this to wit: "Be sure you're
wrong before you quit."
The thing to try when all else fails
is..............AGAIN.
If it seems that everything you try your hand at
fails....
....next time try your head.
The secret to accomplishment is to start from scratch
and keep on scratching.
Many people fail because they have a WISHBONE where
they should have BACKBONE.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: THAT TIME OF YEAR
"'Tis the season to be jolly",
Everyone says about this time.
To say otherwise would be folly;
Completely out of sync or rhyme.
To be jolly, we should want to give.
Give of ourselves, and that from the heart.
"To lend a hand to help others live",
For ev'ryone would be a good start.
To miser Scrooge it was "Bah, humbug",
For his attitude was very bad.
Instead of giving ev'ryone a hug,
He would make them very, very sad.
He didn't want to give a gift,
For it would cost him too much money.
He couldn't see giving gives a lift
And makes someone's life warm and sunny.
There'll always be Scrooges in the world,
But let none of us become that way.
Let the banner of joy be unfurled
Both at Christmas and ev'ry other day.
By L. B. Strawn
December 8, 1999
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Airport Mistletoe
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had
turned a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blaring annoying
elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier"
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would
not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
"Lobster Pets "
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As part of our EAPD goals this next year, I came across this
exercise to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.
It seems so easy that I am directing you to include it as
part of your EAPD goals for next year.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have
plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in
each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and
hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold
this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of
weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato
sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a
100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight
for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each
of the sacks; but be careful!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is long again, but here is the BONUS HOLIDAY JOKE:
Puppy Christmas
On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eleven unwrapped presents
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
A dozen puppy kisses and I forgot all about the other
eleven days.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend -- Worthy Quotes
The man who once most wisely said, "Be sure you're
right, then go ahead."
Might as well have added this to wit: "Be sure you're
wrong before you quit."
The thing to try when all else fails
is..............AGAIN.
If it seems that everything you try your hand at
fails....
....next time try your head.
The secret to accomplishment is to start from scratch
and keep on scratching.
Many people fail because they have a WISHBONE where
they should have BACKBONE.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: THAT TIME OF YEAR
"'Tis the season to be jolly",
Everyone says about this time.
To say otherwise would be folly;
Completely out of sync or rhyme.
To be jolly, we should want to give.
Give of ourselves, and that from the heart.
"To lend a hand to help others live",
For ev'ryone would be a good start.
To miser Scrooge it was "Bah, humbug",
For his attitude was very bad.
Instead of giving ev'ryone a hug,
He would make them very, very sad.
He didn't want to give a gift,
For it would cost him too much money.
He couldn't see giving gives a lift
And makes someone's life warm and sunny.
There'll always be Scrooges in the world,
But let none of us become that way.
Let the banner of joy be unfurled
Both at Christmas and ev'ry other day.
By L. B. Strawn
December 8, 1999
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Airport Mistletoe
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had
turned a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blaring annoying
elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly
tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.
Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real
mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the
rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier"
parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it,
he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would
not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place
you'd have to step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
(pause)
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."
Monday, December 12, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 12th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to My Friend JP: T'was the night before-----
'Twas the night Jesus came and all through the house,
not a person was praying, not one in the house...
The Bible was left on the shelf without care,
for no one thought Jesus would ever come there...
The children were dressing to crawl into bed,
not once ever kneeling or bowing their head...
And Mom in the rocking chair with babe on her lap,
was watching the Late Show as I took a nap...
When out of the east there rose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter...
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutters and lifted the sash...
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but Angels proclaiming that Jesus was here...
The light of His face made me cover my head,
it was Jesus returning just like He'd said...
And though I possess worldly wisdom and wealth,
I cried when I saw Him in spite of myself...
In the Book of Life which he held in his hand,
was written the name of every saved man...
He spoke not a word as he searched for my name,
when He said "it's not here," my head hung in shame...
The people whose names had been written with love,
He gathered to take to his Father above...
With those who were ready He rose without sound,
while all of the others were left standing around...
I fell to my knees but it was too late,
I'd waited too long and thus sealed my fate...
I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight,
Oh, if only I'd known that this was the night...
In the words of this poem the meaning is clear
the coming of Jesus is now drawing near...
There's only one life and when comes the last call,
We'll find out that the Bible was true after all...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to My Friend JP: T'was the night before-----
'Twas the night Jesus came and all through the house,
not a person was praying, not one in the house...
The Bible was left on the shelf without care,
for no one thought Jesus would ever come there...
The children were dressing to crawl into bed,
not once ever kneeling or bowing their head...
And Mom in the rocking chair with babe on her lap,
was watching the Late Show as I took a nap...
When out of the east there rose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter...
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutters and lifted the sash...
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but Angels proclaiming that Jesus was here...
The light of His face made me cover my head,
it was Jesus returning just like He'd said...
And though I possess worldly wisdom and wealth,
I cried when I saw Him in spite of myself...
In the Book of Life which he held in his hand,
was written the name of every saved man...
He spoke not a word as he searched for my name,
when He said "it's not here," my head hung in shame...
The people whose names had been written with love,
He gathered to take to his Father above...
With those who were ready He rose without sound,
while all of the others were left standing around...
I fell to my knees but it was too late,
I'd waited too long and thus sealed my fate...
I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight,
Oh, if only I'd known that this was the night...
In the words of this poem the meaning is clear
the coming of Jesus is now drawing near...
There's only one life and when comes the last call,
We'll find out that the Bible was true after all...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for
a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit
of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found
his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into
the air, catches it above his head without even
looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. He yelled
with surprising forcefulness "Who stole my horse?"
No one answered. "I'm gonna have another beer and if
my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished,
I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want
to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another
beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He
saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say
partner, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to my friend JP: The 'Joys' of Retirement
We worked real hard for many years
So that we could retire.
We dreamed of sleeping late
And sitting by the fire.
We dreamed of long vacations,
Enjoying stage and song.
But, let me set you straight, my friends
That concept's simply wrong.
I shed my stuffy suits and ties
And the shoes that cramped my toes.
But other plans have gone astray
For this is how it goes........
My wife thought too of golden years
With grand plans of her own.
She wanted more time with the kids
But now they're gone and grown.
We downsized house and yard
So we wouldn't have that chore.
We got rid of the alarm clock
But I still wake up at four.
I get my eyes checked Monday,
She gets hers checked next day.
I go for a colon check Wednesday,
And pass her going the other way.
I have a dental appointment Thursday,
She goes to check her heart.
Friday we get prescriptions filled
And browse awhile in Wal-Mart.
Saturdays, we just stay home
And try to get paperwork right.
We can't take any overnight trips
'Cause we can't see to drive at night.
Confusion keeps us out of Sunday church
And we really do hate that....
There's nothing wrong with the restrooms,
We just can't remember where they're at.
We don't need to plan next week,
Just make sure we can drive.
And not forget where the clinics are....
We need them to survive.
So, don't build your future hopes too high,
While strolling through the clover....
That's just a typical 'retirement' week,
And.... on Monday, we start all over!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend: BUMPER STICKERS TO RELATE TO
If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue
You
Jesus Loves You, The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot.
Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn
Signal!
HANG UP AND DRIVE!
Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It!
Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?
I Have The Body Of A God .......... Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To
Me
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Honk If Anything Falls Off
He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The
Next Exit
I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk
Somewhere
Thanks to My Friend JP: T'was the night before-----
'Twas the night Jesus came and all through the house,
not a person was praying, not one in the house...
The Bible was left on the shelf without care,
for no one thought Jesus would ever come there...
The children were dressing to crawl into bed,
not once ever kneeling or bowing their head...
And Mom in the rocking chair with babe on her lap,
was watching the Late Show as I took a nap...
When out of the east there rose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter...
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutters and lifted the sash...
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but Angels proclaiming that Jesus was here...
The light of His face made me cover my head,
it was Jesus returning just like He'd said...
And though I possess worldly wisdom and wealth,
I cried when I saw Him in spite of myself...
In the Book of Life which he held in his hand,
was written the name of every saved man...
He spoke not a word as he searched for my name,
when He said "it's not here," my head hung in shame...
The people whose names had been written with love,
He gathered to take to his Father above...
With those who were ready He rose without sound,
while all of the others were left standing around...
I fell to my knees but it was too late,
I'd waited too long and thus sealed my fate...
I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight,
Oh, if only I'd known that this was the night...
In the words of this poem the meaning is clear
the coming of Jesus is now drawing near...
There's only one life and when comes the last call,
We'll find out that the Bible was true after all...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to My Friend JP: T'was the night before-----
'Twas the night Jesus came and all through the house,
not a person was praying, not one in the house...
The Bible was left on the shelf without care,
for no one thought Jesus would ever come there...
The children were dressing to crawl into bed,
not once ever kneeling or bowing their head...
And Mom in the rocking chair with babe on her lap,
was watching the Late Show as I took a nap...
When out of the east there rose such a clatter,
I sprang to my feet to see what was the matter...
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutters and lifted the sash...
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but Angels proclaiming that Jesus was here...
The light of His face made me cover my head,
it was Jesus returning just like He'd said...
And though I possess worldly wisdom and wealth,
I cried when I saw Him in spite of myself...
In the Book of Life which he held in his hand,
was written the name of every saved man...
He spoke not a word as he searched for my name,
when He said "it's not here," my head hung in shame...
The people whose names had been written with love,
He gathered to take to his Father above...
With those who were ready He rose without sound,
while all of the others were left standing around...
I fell to my knees but it was too late,
I'd waited too long and thus sealed my fate...
I stood and I cried as they rose out of sight,
Oh, if only I'd known that this was the night...
In the words of this poem the meaning is clear
the coming of Jesus is now drawing near...
There's only one life and when comes the last call,
We'll find out that the Bible was true after all...
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for
a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit
of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found
his horse had been stolen.
He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into
the air, catches it above his head without even
looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. He yelled
with surprising forcefulness "Who stole my horse?"
No one answered. "I'm gonna have another beer and if
my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished,
I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don't want
to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another
beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He
saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say
partner, what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to my friend JP: The 'Joys' of Retirement
We worked real hard for many years
So that we could retire.
We dreamed of sleeping late
And sitting by the fire.
We dreamed of long vacations,
Enjoying stage and song.
But, let me set you straight, my friends
That concept's simply wrong.
I shed my stuffy suits and ties
And the shoes that cramped my toes.
But other plans have gone astray
For this is how it goes........
My wife thought too of golden years
With grand plans of her own.
She wanted more time with the kids
But now they're gone and grown.
We downsized house and yard
So we wouldn't have that chore.
We got rid of the alarm clock
But I still wake up at four.
I get my eyes checked Monday,
She gets hers checked next day.
I go for a colon check Wednesday,
And pass her going the other way.
I have a dental appointment Thursday,
She goes to check her heart.
Friday we get prescriptions filled
And browse awhile in Wal-Mart.
Saturdays, we just stay home
And try to get paperwork right.
We can't take any overnight trips
'Cause we can't see to drive at night.
Confusion keeps us out of Sunday church
And we really do hate that....
There's nothing wrong with the restrooms,
We just can't remember where they're at.
We don't need to plan next week,
Just make sure we can drive.
And not forget where the clinics are....
We need them to survive.
So, don't build your future hopes too high,
While strolling through the clover....
That's just a typical 'retirement' week,
And.... on Monday, we start all over!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend: BUMPER STICKERS TO RELATE TO
If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue
You
Jesus Loves You, The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot.
Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn
Signal!
HANG UP AND DRIVE!
Where There's A Will...I Want To Be In It!
Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?
I Have The Body Of A God .......... Buddha
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To
Me
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Honk If Anything Falls Off
He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The
Next Exit
I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk
Somewhere
Sunday, December 11, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 11th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This makes the DH for today a bit long, but it is in
the spirit of the season...
Deck the Malls
Deck the mall with wreaths & holly,
Fa la la, get shopping underway.
Make the shoppers' mood be jolly.
Fa la, Halloween was yesterday.
Christmas is a two-month season,
Fa la la, spend those bucks...buy, buy, buy,
Profits are the Xmas reason.
Max out all your cards, and don't ask why.
Santas in the mall are happy.
Fa la, get your Santa pictures here.
Camera lenses quickly snappy.
Natur'lly it costs--but feel the cheer.
Saving dough's not patriotic.
Fa la, just hear that old money jingle.
Who cares if the mall's chaotic?
Cap'talism's new saint is Kris Kringle.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A popular New York barber shop had a new robotic
barber installed. A fellow came in for a haircut. As
the robot began to cut his hair, it asked him, "What's
your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot
proceeded to make conversation about physics,
astronomy, investments, insurance and so on. The man
listened intently and said, "This is really cool."
Later, another gent came in for a haircut and the
robot asked him as it began the haircut, What's your
IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started
talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man
thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
Later on, a third guy came in to the barbershop. As
with the others, the robot barber asked him, "What's
your IQ?" The man replied, 58. The robot then said,
"So, I understand you Democrats are really excited
about Hillary running for president?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can't pass up a blonde joke -- even if we saw it last
year... From SportsJokes: TOP 10 BLONDE INVENTIONS
1. Water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat on a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to MAK: A Soldiers Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this home did live.
I looked all about. A strange sight I did see
No Tinsel. No presents. Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different. It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, once I could see
clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for his bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to
fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here,
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a Christmas Eve in a land so far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice,
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my regiment."
The soldier rolled over and drifted off to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night.
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and
pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas day, all is
secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend... and to all a good night
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa
Japan. The following is his request. I think it is
reasonable...
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind of favor by sending
this to as many people as you can. Christmas will be
coming soon and some credit is due our U.S. service
men and woman our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny
bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for
us. Please do your small part to plant this seed.
Thank You -Frederick Kole A Vietnam Veteran
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and
upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and
ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted
photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all
together, and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret
that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your
photo and return the others."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"How many calories in a mouse?" and "What should I feed a
borderline collie?" are just a few of the wacky questions
that the Iams Pet Professionals have fielded from pet
owners. Here are some of the team's favorite calls in recent
years to 800-863-IAMS (4267):
* "My two-year-old daughter loves the taste of Iams -- is it
okay for her to eat it?" -- mother, Staten Island, N.Y.
* "What's the best way to get superglue off my dog's paws?"
-- dog owner, Arlington, Tex.
* "Can a dog get claustrophobia?" -- dog owner, Cambridge,
Mass.
* "My dog growls in his sleep. Do you think he could have a
vitamin B deficiency?" -- dog owner, Puyallup, Wash.
* "How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams Chunks dog
food?" -- dog owner, Anchorage, Ak.
* "I think if my dog received mail, it would build his
character. Can I register him on your mailing list?" -- dog
owner, Richmond, Va.
* "Where can I get a six-toed cat?" -- cat owner, El Paso,
Tex.
* "How do I potty train my pot belly pig?" -- pot belly pig
owner, Vero Beach, Fla.
* "What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I
sing and dance for her." -- cat owner, New York, N.Y.
* "Is it normal for a dog to shed?" -- dog owner, Miami,
Fla.
* "I have two new kittens and I don't want to leave them
home alone. Can I carry them around in my gym bag?" -- new
kitten owner, Brooklyn, N.Y.
* "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" -- pet
owner, Ephrata, Wash.
* "My son just sold me a subscription to the Iams Your Cat
magazine. But you tell me it's free?" -- concerned mom,
Englewood, Ohio.
* "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's
teeth?" -- puppy owner, Chico, Calif.
* "I raise worms -- the world's most perfect protein source.
How about using them in your food?" -- worm farmer, Long
Barn, Ohio.
* "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's
toothbrush?" -- cat owner, Los Angeles, Calif.
* "I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a
tattoo?" -- pet owner, North Tonawanda, N.Y.
"When these type of calls come in, it's hard to keep a
straight face," says Sally Northcutt, manager of Customer
Service, The Iams Company. "But we know that most of the
time, we have a customer on the phone who is genuinely
concerned for his or her pet. Our sole purpose is to help
pet owners with their questions, so however strange those
questions may seem, we try our best to answer them."
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This makes the DH for today a bit long, but it is in
the spirit of the season...
Deck the Malls
Deck the mall with wreaths & holly,
Fa la la, get shopping underway.
Make the shoppers' mood be jolly.
Fa la, Halloween was yesterday.
Christmas is a two-month season,
Fa la la, spend those bucks...buy, buy, buy,
Profits are the Xmas reason.
Max out all your cards, and don't ask why.
Santas in the mall are happy.
Fa la, get your Santa pictures here.
Camera lenses quickly snappy.
Natur'lly it costs--but feel the cheer.
Saving dough's not patriotic.
Fa la, just hear that old money jingle.
Who cares if the mall's chaotic?
Cap'talism's new saint is Kris Kringle.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A popular New York barber shop had a new robotic
barber installed. A fellow came in for a haircut. As
the robot began to cut his hair, it asked him, "What's
your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot
proceeded to make conversation about physics,
astronomy, investments, insurance and so on. The man
listened intently and said, "This is really cool."
Later, another gent came in for a haircut and the
robot asked him as it began the haircut, What's your
IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started
talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man
thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
Later on, a third guy came in to the barbershop. As
with the others, the robot barber asked him, "What's
your IQ?" The man replied, 58. The robot then said,
"So, I understand you Democrats are really excited
about Hillary running for president?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can't pass up a blonde joke -- even if we saw it last
year... From SportsJokes: TOP 10 BLONDE INVENTIONS
1. Water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat on a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to MAK: A Soldiers Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see whom in this home did live.
I looked all about. A strange sight I did see
No Tinsel. No presents. Not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle just boots filled with sand.
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different. It was dark and dreary,
I found the home of a soldier, once I could see
clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled up on the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States Soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for his bed?
I realized the families that I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers who were willing to
fight.
Soon round the world, the children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate a bright Christmas Day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here,
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a Christmas Eve in a land so far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa don't cry. This life is my choice,
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more.
My life is my God, my country, my regiment."
The soldier rolled over and drifted off to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold dark night.
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and
pure,
Whispered, "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas day, all is
secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right.
"Merry Christmas my friend... and to all a good night
This poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa
Japan. The following is his request. I think it is
reasonable...
PLEASE. Would you do me the kind of favor by sending
this to as many people as you can. Christmas will be
coming soon and some credit is due our U.S. service
men and woman our being able to celebrate these
festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny
bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our
heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for
us. Please do your small part to plant this seed.
Thank You -Frederick Kole A Vietnam Veteran
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and
upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and
ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted
photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all
together, and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret
that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your
photo and return the others."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"How many calories in a mouse?" and "What should I feed a
borderline collie?" are just a few of the wacky questions
that the Iams Pet Professionals have fielded from pet
owners. Here are some of the team's favorite calls in recent
years to 800-863-IAMS (4267):
* "My two-year-old daughter loves the taste of Iams -- is it
okay for her to eat it?" -- mother, Staten Island, N.Y.
* "What's the best way to get superglue off my dog's paws?"
-- dog owner, Arlington, Tex.
* "Can a dog get claustrophobia?" -- dog owner, Cambridge,
Mass.
* "My dog growls in his sleep. Do you think he could have a
vitamin B deficiency?" -- dog owner, Puyallup, Wash.
* "How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams Chunks dog
food?" -- dog owner, Anchorage, Ak.
* "I think if my dog received mail, it would build his
character. Can I register him on your mailing list?" -- dog
owner, Richmond, Va.
* "Where can I get a six-toed cat?" -- cat owner, El Paso,
Tex.
* "How do I potty train my pot belly pig?" -- pot belly pig
owner, Vero Beach, Fla.
* "What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I
sing and dance for her." -- cat owner, New York, N.Y.
* "Is it normal for a dog to shed?" -- dog owner, Miami,
Fla.
* "I have two new kittens and I don't want to leave them
home alone. Can I carry them around in my gym bag?" -- new
kitten owner, Brooklyn, N.Y.
* "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" -- pet
owner, Ephrata, Wash.
* "My son just sold me a subscription to the Iams Your Cat
magazine. But you tell me it's free?" -- concerned mom,
Englewood, Ohio.
* "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's
teeth?" -- puppy owner, Chico, Calif.
* "I raise worms -- the world's most perfect protein source.
How about using them in your food?" -- worm farmer, Long
Barn, Ohio.
* "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's
toothbrush?" -- cat owner, Los Angeles, Calif.
* "I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a
tattoo?" -- pet owner, North Tonawanda, N.Y.
"When these type of calls come in, it's hard to keep a
straight face," says Sally Northcutt, manager of Customer
Service, The Iams Company. "But we know that most of the
time, we have a customer on the phone who is genuinely
concerned for his or her pet. Our sole purpose is to help
pet owners with their questions, so however strange those
questions may seem, we try our best to answer them."
Saturday, December 10, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 10th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zoo Trip
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his
mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially
when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom's Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two
children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor,
sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade
tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine
patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows
when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids
(in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that
don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming
toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a
waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with
fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult
music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing
talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind
the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says,
"Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one
potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of
jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I
could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in
the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my
voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can
only be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking
stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three
fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making
the In-law's house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough
time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the
luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being
served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a
few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be
too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my
conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around
the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an
visit your group on the web, go to:
X-UIDL:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oops...
A young executive was working late, trying to impress
his boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., he
found the CEO standing in front of the document
shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and
important document, and my secretary left hours ago.
Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. Excited with
the opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned the
machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start
button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't know
what I would have done without you."
As his paper disappeared inside the machine the
relieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vern & Dottie Allen
* Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.
* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and precious
promises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit."
* Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These are real examples from real resumes:
*Reasons For Leaving Last Job*
- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every
morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well
as cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my three
previous employers.
*Job Responsibilities*
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I
am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the
application of more rarefied facets of financial management
as the major sphere of responsibility.
- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
*Special Requests and Job Objectives*
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and
my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage.
- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant.
*Physical Disabilities*
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
*Personal Interests*
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that
arouse.
- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
- I'm a rabid typist.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain operation.
Zoo Trip
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his
mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially
when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom's Letter to Santa
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two
children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor,
sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade
tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine
patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases,
since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the
back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows
when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids
(in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that
don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming
toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a
waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with
fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult
music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing
talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind
the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says,
"Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one
potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of
jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I
could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in
the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my
voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can
only be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking
stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three
fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making
the In-law's house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough
time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the
luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being
served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a
few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be
too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my
conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around
the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an
visit your group on the web, go to:
X-UIDL:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oops...
A young executive was working late, trying to impress
his boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., he
found the CEO standing in front of the document
shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and
important document, and my secretary left hours ago.
Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. Excited with
the opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned the
machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start
button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't know
what I would have done without you."
As his paper disappeared inside the machine the
relieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Vern & Dottie Allen
* Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.
* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and precious
promises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit."
* Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These are real examples from real resumes:
*Reasons For Leaving Last Job*
- Responsibility makes me nervous.
- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every
morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.
- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well
as cockroaches.
- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my three
previous employers.
*Job Responsibilities*
- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I
am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the
application of more rarefied facets of financial management
as the major sphere of responsibility.
- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
*Special Requests and Job Objectives*
- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and
my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
brokerage.
- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant.
*Physical Disabilities*
- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
*Personal Interests*
- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
*Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*
- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that
arouse.
- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
- I'm a rabid typist.
- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
chain operation.
hUMOR For Dec. 10th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Zoo Trip Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally hismother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especiallywhen one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:http://groups.yahoo.com/group/good-clean-fun/
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
hUMOR For Dec. 10th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zoo Trip Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally hismother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especiallywhen one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/good-clean-fun/
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zoo Trip Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally hismother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especiallywhen one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/good-clean-fun/
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
hUMOR For Dec. 10th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Zoo Trip Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally hismother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especiallywhen one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:http://groups.yahoo.com/group/good-clean-fun/
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
hUMOR For Dec. 10th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Zoo Trip Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally hismother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especiallywhen one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:http://groups.yahoo.com/group/good-clean-fun/
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
hUMOR For Dec. 10th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Zoo Trip Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally hismother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especiallywhen one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:http://groups.yahoo.com/group/good-clean-fun/
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
hUMOR For Dec. 10th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Zoo Trip Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally hismother talked his reluctant father into taking him. "So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home. "Great," Little Johnny replied. "Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother. "Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especiallywhen one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:http://groups.yahoo.com/group/good-clean-fun/
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mom's Letter to Santa Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an visit your group on the web, go to:X-UIDL:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Oops... A young executive was working late, trying to impresshis boss. As he was leaving the office, at 7p.m., hefound the CEO standing in front of the documentshredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive andimportant document, and my secretary left hours ago.Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. Excited withthe opportunity to kiss up to the man, he turned themachine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the startbutton. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, "I don't knowwhat I would have done without you." As his paper disappeared inside the machine therelieved CEO says, "Now, I just need one copy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Vern & Dottie Allen * Charity is the pure love of Christ and endureth forever.* Prayer goes by faith into the great orchard of God's exceeding great and preciouspromises, picking with hand and heart the ripest and richest fruit." * Did you ever wonder why so many Americans have straight teeth but crooked morals?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are real examples from real resumes: *Reasons For Leaving Last Job*- Responsibility makes me nervous.- They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 everymorning. Couldn't work under those conditions.- Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as wellas cockroaches.- I was working for my mom until she decided to move.- The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my threeprevious employers. *Job Responsibilities*- While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, Iam decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at leastpartially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore andthat it be configured so as to ultimately lead to theapplication of more rarefied facets of financial managementas the major sphere of responsibility.- I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award. *Special Requests and Job Objectives*- Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed andmy employer does not know I am looking for another job.- My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have notraining in meteorology, I suppose I should try stockbrokerage.- I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant. *Physical Disabilities*- Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep. *Personal Interests*- Donating blood. 14 gallons so far. *Small Typos That Can Change the Meaning*- Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.- Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts thatarouse.- Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.- I'm a rabid typist.- Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwestchain operation.
Friday, December 09, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 9th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We've been in a battle with a SPAMer that exploited ourserver to send SPAM. :( We've fixed the problem and no GCFLemail addresses were compromised. You can read the detailson the news page at http://www.gcfl.net/news.php */Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years AgoToday."The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feelbest.A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparingliving wills.Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill thesuitcase with your pills.Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left orright.Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Night of Tax Day
Twas the night of Tax Day, and all thru the house,Every creature was whirring, even the mouse.The floppy was placed in the disk drive with care,In certainty Saint Silicon soon would be there.
The chips were nestled All snug in their sockets,Their RAM filled with visions of STARWARS and ROCKETS.And Mamma in her kerchief and I in my capHad just settled down for a long ev'ning's rap,
When out of the drives there arose such a racket,I raised up my fist, right ready to whack it.Away to the printer I flew like a flash,And I swore that I'd change my brand of hash!
More rapid than junk FAX these tax forms they came,And it booped and it beeped and it called 'em by name:Now Form 1040! Now Form 1065! Now Schedules A and D too!On! Form 1120! Form 4562!! Form 1098!!! Form 8362!!!!
To the top of the ladder,To The Top of The Heap!Just go away, Go Away!I gotta sleep.
As stray bits which down the cable do fly,When they meet with the processor, soon go awry,So up the tab all these taxes they flew,With a surtax and threats of penalty and interest too!
Now it may be some virus was having its yucks,But the total was over 87 kilobux.So she read all the Pubs, and she said, "What the heck!"Then we signed all the forms, and we wrote 'em a check.
And crossing her fingers and blowing her noseAnd giving a nod, from her chair she arose.She ran to her van, to the key gave a twist,With a spray of gravel, she shook her fist,
And I heard her exclaim as she roared out of sight--"I think in Paducah they'll postmark it midnight."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"In the presence of extraordinary reality, consciousness takes the place of imagination." - Wallace Stevens
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Missions
During the days of the British Raj, a missionary went among the Indians and tried to convert them to Christianity. He explained how Heaven would belong to the faithful.
One Indian said, "Your Heaven can't be all that good."
The missionary explained again why it would indeed be wonderful.
The Indian replied, "Then why haven't the British taken it over?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ineffective Daily Affirmations. . . .- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly,stupid, and disgusting parts. - I am at one with my duality.- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tiethemselves into knots.- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40thbirthday.- Only a lack of imagination saves me fromimmobilizing myself with imaginary fears.- I honor and express all facets of my being,regardless of state and local laws.- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice,for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solutionto the problem.- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room allday watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into thebedroom.- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just aminute.....I'll find someone.- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when Ican spend it worrying about the future?- The complete lack of evidence is the surest signthat the conspiracy is working.- I am learning that criticism is not nearly aseffective as sabotage.- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me tothe next step -- blaming my parents.- To have a successful relationship I must learn tomake it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else iswilling to learn from them.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to AB: Politically Correct Santa'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's awreck...How to live in a world that's politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to "Elves,""Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.And labor conditions at the north poleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soul.Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.And equal employment had made it quite clearThat Santa had better not use just reindeer.So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that lookedstupid!The runners had been removed from his sleigh;The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.And people had started to call for the copsWhen they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quitefrightened.His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs andflows,Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his noseAnd had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,Demanding millions in over-due compensation.So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,Demanding from now on her title was Ms.And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notionThat making a choice could cause so much commotion.Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.Nothing that might be construed to pollute.Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific.No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.For they raised the hackles of those psychologicalWho claimed the only good gift was one ecological.No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;He just could not figure out what to do next.He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,But you've got to be careful with that word today.His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.Something special was needed, a gift that he mightGive to all without angering the left or the right.A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,Each group of people, every religion;Every ethnicity, every hue,Everyone, everywhere...even you.So here is that gift, its price beyond worth..."May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
We've been in a battle with a SPAMer that exploited ourserver to send SPAM. :( We've fixed the problem and no GCFLemail addresses were compromised. You can read the detailson the news page at http://www.gcfl.net/news.php */Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years AgoToday."The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feelbest.A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparingliving wills.Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill thesuitcase with your pills.Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left orright.Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Night of Tax Day
Twas the night of Tax Day, and all thru the house,Every creature was whirring, even the mouse.The floppy was placed in the disk drive with care,In certainty Saint Silicon soon would be there.
The chips were nestled All snug in their sockets,Their RAM filled with visions of STARWARS and ROCKETS.And Mamma in her kerchief and I in my capHad just settled down for a long ev'ning's rap,
When out of the drives there arose such a racket,I raised up my fist, right ready to whack it.Away to the printer I flew like a flash,And I swore that I'd change my brand of hash!
More rapid than junk FAX these tax forms they came,And it booped and it beeped and it called 'em by name:Now Form 1040! Now Form 1065! Now Schedules A and D too!On! Form 1120! Form 4562!! Form 1098!!! Form 8362!!!!
To the top of the ladder,To The Top of The Heap!Just go away, Go Away!I gotta sleep.
As stray bits which down the cable do fly,When they meet with the processor, soon go awry,So up the tab all these taxes they flew,With a surtax and threats of penalty and interest too!
Now it may be some virus was having its yucks,But the total was over 87 kilobux.So she read all the Pubs, and she said, "What the heck!"Then we signed all the forms, and we wrote 'em a check.
And crossing her fingers and blowing her noseAnd giving a nod, from her chair she arose.She ran to her van, to the key gave a twist,With a spray of gravel, she shook her fist,
And I heard her exclaim as she roared out of sight--"I think in Paducah they'll postmark it midnight."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"In the presence of extraordinary reality, consciousness takes the place of imagination." - Wallace Stevens
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Missions
During the days of the British Raj, a missionary went among the Indians and tried to convert them to Christianity. He explained how Heaven would belong to the faithful.
One Indian said, "Your Heaven can't be all that good."
The missionary explained again why it would indeed be wonderful.
The Indian replied, "Then why haven't the British taken it over?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ineffective Daily Affirmations. . . .- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly,stupid, and disgusting parts. - I am at one with my duality.- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tiethemselves into knots.- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40thbirthday.- Only a lack of imagination saves me fromimmobilizing myself with imaginary fears.- I honor and express all facets of my being,regardless of state and local laws.- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice,for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solutionto the problem.- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room allday watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into thebedroom.- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just aminute.....I'll find someone.- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when Ican spend it worrying about the future?- The complete lack of evidence is the surest signthat the conspiracy is working.- I am learning that criticism is not nearly aseffective as sabotage.- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me tothe next step -- blaming my parents.- To have a successful relationship I must learn tomake it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else iswilling to learn from them.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to AB: Politically Correct Santa'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's awreck...How to live in a world that's politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to "Elves,""Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.And labor conditions at the north poleWere alleged by the union to stifle the soul.Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.And equal employment had made it quite clearThat Santa had better not use just reindeer.So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that lookedstupid!The runners had been removed from his sleigh;The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.And people had started to call for the copsWhen they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quitefrightened.His fur-trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs andflows,Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his noseAnd had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,Demanding millions in over-due compensation.So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,Demanding from now on her title was Ms.And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notionThat making a choice could cause so much commotion.Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.Nothing that might be construed to pollute.Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific.No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.For they raised the hackles of those psychologicalWho claimed the only good gift was one ecological.No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;He just could not figure out what to do next.He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,But you've got to be careful with that word today.His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.Something special was needed, a gift that he mightGive to all without angering the left or the right.A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,Each group of people, every religion;Every ethnicity, every hue,Everyone, everywhere...even you.So here is that gift, its price beyond worth..."May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
Thursday, December 08, 2005
hUMOR For Dec. 8th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!A man exploring the ancient Pyramids of Egypt while on vacation stumbled across asecret room. He sneaked away from the tour group and explored the room. He found adusty lamp and picked it up. While he wiped the dust off the lamp a genie appearedin a puff of smoke. "For freeing me from my prison, I will grant you a wish, what will it be sire?" The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job, a job that noman has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do." "Allah Ka Zam!" said the genie. "You're a housewife!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and mygirlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got somepopcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were beingshown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, andgave my girlfriend a kiss. Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Analogies and Metaphors These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. - John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. - He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. - Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that hadbeen left out so long, it had rusted shut. - Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. - The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan justmight work. - The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. - He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duckthat was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something. - The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her,like a dog at a fire hydrant. - It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools. - He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were agarbage truck backing up. - Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. - She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. - Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper faxmachine that needed a band tightening. - It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.****************** *Here is today's Oneliner.* "As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it, or leave it."- Buddy Hackett
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Here is today's CleanPun. - HMO Plans* "The majority of HMO plans I've seen can be likened to hospital gowns-- you only think you're covered."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Christmas Turkey One year at Christmas, mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, then re-stuffed the turkey. She placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Money.... It can buy a HouseBut not a Home It can buy a BedBut not Sleep It can buy a ClockBut not Time It can buy you a BookBut not Knowledge It can buy you a PositionBut not Respect It can buy you MedicineBut not Health It can buy you BloodBut not Life It can buy you SexBut not Love So you see... money isn't everything.And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend,and as your Friend, I want to take away your pain andsuffering... So send me all your moneyAnd I will suffer for you.That's what a friend is for. Cash is fine.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!From a friend -- A new twist on an old tale... 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through thehouse,Not a peripheral was stirring, not even a mouse;The modem was hung by the keyboard with careIn hopes that a download soon would be there.The pirates were nestled all snug in their bedsWhile visions of unprotects danced in their headsAnd ma in her kerchief, and I in my cap,Had just settled down for a long winter's napWhen up on the hard drive there arose such a clatter,I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter!Away to the monitor I flew like a flashSat down at the keyboard, gave the spacebar a mash.The sight on the screen, a'flicker with snow,Gave the luster of power surge to the menu below.When what to my wondering eyes should appear,but an autoexec.bat that seemed rather queer.With a little print driver so lively and quickI knew in a moment I had seen a new trick!More rapid than eagles my cursor it came;my voice box whistled, and shouted, and called me byname."Now format, now rename, now copy, and enter!On num lock, on caps lock, on scroll lock and printer! To the top of the page, to the top of the doc,now tab it and hold it and merge it and block."As utilities that build up the CPU speedClash with just the programs I needSo up to the screen top the cursor it flewWith a RAM full of memory and an extension board too.And then, in a twinkling I heard on the speaker,The grinding of the hard drive growing much weaker.As I tried to reboot and turn it aroundThe attributes changed from blue into brown.I hit the control, the alt, the delete.The message it gave me, I cannot repeat.It asked me to ignore, retry or abort.It told me the parallel had become the comm port.It's lights how they twinkled; it's pixels how merry.It's prompts were all scrambled, like a bowl full ofcherries.It sounded just like it wanted to blow;the screen was suddenly white like the snow.It scrolled the directory before my very eyesWith programs I did not even recognize.It wouldn't see D, It wouldn't see E.I couldn't get out of B into C.Norton's tried to read it;It finally found the FAT;But alas, the disk was faulty,and could not reformat.Away flew the DBase;Away flew the DOSes;Away flew the Wordstar;Right out with the Windows.The spreadsheets were spreading;The footers were heading;What once had been memoryWas close to forgetting.When the grinding was overAnd the smoke had all cleared,I looked at the unitAnd it was just as I'd feared.The 40 Meg wonder had crashed in the night.I'll never be able to block out that sight!So tell everyone to avoid my plight....Back up! Back up! Merry Christmas, and good night! The End!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Top Tips for LifeDon't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.Men: When listening to your favorite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.Ladies: If invited to a fancy party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the hostess will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.Homeowners: Don't hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.White wine splashed onto a red wine stain will clean it up quickly. Similarly, fat splashes on clothes can be easily removed by rubbing salad onto the affected area.Drivers: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send the stranded driver on his way.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and mygirlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got somepopcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were beingshown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, andgave my girlfriend a kiss. Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Analogies and Metaphors These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. - John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. - He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. - Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that hadbeen left out so long, it had rusted shut. - Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. - The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan justmight work. - The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. - He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duckthat was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something. - The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her,like a dog at a fire hydrant. - It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools. - He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were agarbage truck backing up. - Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. - She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. - Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper faxmachine that needed a band tightening. - It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.****************** *Here is today's Oneliner.* "As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it, or leave it."- Buddy Hackett
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Here is today's CleanPun. - HMO Plans* "The majority of HMO plans I've seen can be likened to hospital gowns-- you only think you're covered."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Christmas Turkey One year at Christmas, mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, then re-stuffed the turkey. She placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Money.... It can buy a HouseBut not a Home It can buy a BedBut not Sleep It can buy a ClockBut not Time It can buy you a BookBut not Knowledge It can buy you a PositionBut not Respect It can buy you MedicineBut not Health It can buy you BloodBut not Life It can buy you SexBut not Love So you see... money isn't everything.And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend,and as your Friend, I want to take away your pain andsuffering... So send me all your moneyAnd I will suffer for you.That's what a friend is for. Cash is fine.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!From a friend -- A new twist on an old tale... 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through thehouse,Not a peripheral was stirring, not even a mouse;The modem was hung by the keyboard with careIn hopes that a download soon would be there.The pirates were nestled all snug in their bedsWhile visions of unprotects danced in their headsAnd ma in her kerchief, and I in my cap,Had just settled down for a long winter's napWhen up on the hard drive there arose such a clatter,I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter!Away to the monitor I flew like a flashSat down at the keyboard, gave the spacebar a mash.The sight on the screen, a'flicker with snow,Gave the luster of power surge to the menu below.When what to my wondering eyes should appear,but an autoexec.bat that seemed rather queer.With a little print driver so lively and quickI knew in a moment I had seen a new trick!More rapid than eagles my cursor it came;my voice box whistled, and shouted, and called me byname."Now format, now rename, now copy, and enter!On num lock, on caps lock, on scroll lock and printer! To the top of the page, to the top of the doc,now tab it and hold it and merge it and block."As utilities that build up the CPU speedClash with just the programs I needSo up to the screen top the cursor it flewWith a RAM full of memory and an extension board too.And then, in a twinkling I heard on the speaker,The grinding of the hard drive growing much weaker.As I tried to reboot and turn it aroundThe attributes changed from blue into brown.I hit the control, the alt, the delete.The message it gave me, I cannot repeat.It asked me to ignore, retry or abort.It told me the parallel had become the comm port.It's lights how they twinkled; it's pixels how merry.It's prompts were all scrambled, like a bowl full ofcherries.It sounded just like it wanted to blow;the screen was suddenly white like the snow.It scrolled the directory before my very eyesWith programs I did not even recognize.It wouldn't see D, It wouldn't see E.I couldn't get out of B into C.Norton's tried to read it;It finally found the FAT;But alas, the disk was faulty,and could not reformat.Away flew the DBase;Away flew the DOSes;Away flew the Wordstar;Right out with the Windows.The spreadsheets were spreading;The footers were heading;What once had been memoryWas close to forgetting.When the grinding was overAnd the smoke had all cleared,I looked at the unitAnd it was just as I'd feared.The 40 Meg wonder had crashed in the night.I'll never be able to block out that sight!So tell everyone to avoid my plight....Back up! Back up! Merry Christmas, and good night! The End!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Top Tips for LifeDon't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.Men: When listening to your favorite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.Ladies: If invited to a fancy party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the hostess will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.Homeowners: Don't hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.White wine splashed onto a red wine stain will clean it up quickly. Similarly, fat splashes on clothes can be easily removed by rubbing salad onto the affected area.Drivers: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send the stranded driver on his way.
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