!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12 Reasons you’ll be glad you burnt the turkey
1. Salmonella won't be a concern.2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gainnewfound appreciation.5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.6. No one will overeat.7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascularworkout.9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard andplay football.11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likelyhe will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.12. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.
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Turkey Poem
I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,I ate too much pudding and pie.I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'I'm probably going to die.
I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.But I wish I had known when to stop,For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jamsThat my buttons are starting to pop!
I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes My stomach is swollen and sore,But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if I eat just a little bit more!
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Never give the devil a ride; he will always want to drive."
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Here is today's Illustration. - Sentiment
I guess I must have been poking through the cards for an awful long time, lingering from one card to another, because the clerk in the Hallmark store came over and said, "Sir, is there a problem?"
"Yeah," I sighed, "I can't find one my wife will believe."
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Thanksgiving PrayerMy family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to say the prayer. It went like this:"Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don't like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food."(Most of us nearly choked just trying not to laugh!)
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Thanksgiving PrayerMy family traditionally begins the evening meal with a prayer of thanks. When they were old enough, we began letting our children say the meal prayer. Of course at first they would ask for a pony, a new bike, etc. They soon learned the more important things which should be included in the prayer.At Thanksgiving we had the whole family over. My nine year old wanted to say the prayer. It went like this:"Heavenly Father, we thank Thee for the turkey, the rolls, the mashed potatoes, the red jiggly stuff, and the bread stuff even though I don't like it. We ask that You not let us choke on this food."(Most of us nearly choked just trying not to laugh!)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just love this one... (ts)Things to Do in an Elevator1) When there's only one other person in the elevator,tap him on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn'tyou.2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.Smile, and go back for more.3) Ask if you can push the button for other people,but push the wrong ones.4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone andask if they know what floor you're on.5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for afriend. After a while, let the doors close, and say,"Hi Greg. How's your day been?"6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick itup, then scream, "That's mine!"7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in theelevator.8) Move your desk into the elevator and wheneveranyone gets on, ask if he has an appointment.9) Lay down the Twister mat and ask people if theywould like to play.10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone getson, ask him if he can hear ticking.11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and reviewemergency procedures and exits with the passengers.12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing himoccasionally.14) When the doors close, announce to the others,"It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"15) Swat at flies that don't exist.16) Tell people that you can see their aura.17) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead andmuttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"18) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and whilepeering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"19) Stand silently and motionless in the corner,facing the wall, without getting off.20) Stare at another passenger for awhile, thenannounce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and backaway slowly.21) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk tothe other passengers.22) Listen to the elevator walls with yourstethoscope.23) Make explosion noises when anyone presses abutton.24) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while,and then announce, "I have new socks on."25) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk andannounce to the other passengers, "This is MY personalspace!"
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I Am Thankful........for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed....for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends....for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat....for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine....for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home....for all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech....for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking....for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear....for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear....for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive....for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive....for getting too much e-mail because it lets me know I have friends who are thinking of me.
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I Am Thankful........for the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed....for the mess to clean after a party because it means I have been surrounded by friends....for the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat....for my shadow who watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine....for a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means I have a home....for all the complaining I hear about the government because it means we have freedom of speech....for the spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking....for the lady behind me in church who sings off key because it means that I can hear....for the piles of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear....for weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been productive....for the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am alive....for getting too much e-mail because it lets me know I have friends who are thinking of me.
Friday, November 25, 2005
Thursday, November 24, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 24th
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/* Apparently Monday's joke was from from Something BIG HasBeen Here written by Jack Pruletsky. Thanks to those thatpointed this out to us. */Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!Q: Why wouldn't the turkey eat any dessert?A: He was stuffed!Q: Why was the turkey made the drummer?A: Because he had the drumsticks!Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God Bless America"?A: The first time they heard America sneeze.Knock, knock.Who's there?Gladys.Gladys who?Gladys Thanksgiving!!!May your stuffing be tasty;May your turkey be plump,May your taters 'n gravy have nary a lump,May your yams be delicious,May your pies take the prize,May your Thanksgiving dinnerStay off of your thighs.
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/* Apparently Monday's joke was from from Something BIG HasBeen Here written by Jack Pruletsky. Thanks to those thatpointed this out to us. */Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!Q: Why wouldn't the turkey eat any dessert?A: He was stuffed!Q: Why was the turkey made the drummer?A: Because he had the drumsticks!Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God Bless America"?A: The first time they heard America sneeze.Knock, knock.Who's there?Gladys.Gladys who?Gladys Thanksgiving!!!May your stuffing be tasty;May your turkey be plump,May your taters 'n gravy have nary a lump,May your yams be delicious,May your pies take the prize,May your Thanksgiving dinnerStay off of your thighs.Received from ladyjjoke.
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Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Willie loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time, standing at the table. Gus looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws and Harry picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Harry goes over to the Willie's apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Harry declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pillar Interruption
The Sunday School teacher described how Lot's wife looked back at Sodom and was turned into a pillar of salt.
Suddenly Jimmy interrupted. "My mom looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free."
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Skunk
A skunk family was cornered by a pack of wolves.
The mama skunk said to her babies, "Let us spray."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As we enjoy the holidays, remember to be nice to thosefirst-time turkey cookers...One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister'shousefor the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible mysisteris, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sisterthatshe needed something from the store.When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of theoven,removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen andinserted itinto the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She thenplacedthe bird(s) back in the oven.When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled theturkey outof the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. Whenherserving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulledoutthe little bird.With a look of total shock on her face, my motherexclaimed,"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At thereality ofthis horrifying news, my sister started to cry.It took the family two hours to convince her thatturkeyslay eggs!
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Sick Husband...A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sentto thehospital.The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man'swife. Hesaid, "Your husband has been suffering from seriousstress.If immediate action is not taken, he could die in averyshort time."The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"The doctor said, "You must provide a stress-freeenvironmentin your home. For the next two weeks, make wonderfulmealsfor him every day. Also, you must be sure that youdon't naghim or stress him in any way."On the drive home from the hospital, her husbandasked, "Sowhat's wrong with me, honey?"The woman paused for a moment and then replied,"Sorry,honey, but you're going to die."
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Thanks to J & G B -- Bad News (Just a joke)Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President, George W.Bush, his daily briefing. He concludes by saying,"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.""OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,nervously watching as the president sits, head inhands.Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many isa brazillion?"
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Especially for Ken...What Language Are We Speaking Here???The European Union commissioners have announced thatagreement has been reached to adopt English as thepreferred language for European communications, ratherthan German, which was the other possibility. As partof the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government concededthat English spelling had some room for improvementand has accepted a five-year phased plan for what willbe known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).European officials have often pointed out that Englishspelling is unnecessarily difficult -- for example,cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What isclearly needed is a phased program of changes to ironout these anomalies. The program would, of course, beadministered by a committee staff at top level byparticipating nations.In the first year, for example, the committee wouldsuggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly,sivil servants in all sities would resieve this newswith joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not onlywould this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikalworkers, but typewriters kould be made with one lessletter.There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekondyear, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph'would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make wordslike 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the newspelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where morekomplikated shanges are possible. Governments wouldenkourage the removal of double letters, which havealways been a deterent to akurate speling.We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e'sin the languag is disgrasful. Therfor we kould dropthes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothinghad hapend. By this tim it would be four years sinsthe skem began and peopl would be reseptive to stepssutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen zefunktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is,after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similararguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations ofleters.Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventulihav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zervud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud finit ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermntvud finali hav kum tru.
/* Apparently Monday's joke was from from Something BIG HasBeen Here written by Jack Pruletsky. Thanks to those thatpointed this out to us. */Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!Q: Why wouldn't the turkey eat any dessert?A: He was stuffed!Q: Why was the turkey made the drummer?A: Because he had the drumsticks!Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God Bless America"?A: The first time they heard America sneeze.Knock, knock.Who's there?Gladys.Gladys who?Gladys Thanksgiving!!!May your stuffing be tasty;May your turkey be plump,May your taters 'n gravy have nary a lump,May your yams be delicious,May your pies take the prize,May your Thanksgiving dinnerStay off of your thighs.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
/* Apparently Monday's joke was from from Something BIG HasBeen Here written by Jack Pruletsky. Thanks to those thatpointed this out to us. */Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!Q: Why wouldn't the turkey eat any dessert?A: He was stuffed!Q: Why was the turkey made the drummer?A: Because he had the drumsticks!Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God Bless America"?A: The first time they heard America sneeze.Knock, knock.Who's there?Gladys.Gladys who?Gladys Thanksgiving!!!May your stuffing be tasty;May your turkey be plump,May your taters 'n gravy have nary a lump,May your yams be delicious,May your pies take the prize,May your Thanksgiving dinnerStay off of your thighs.Received from ladyjjoke.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Willie loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time, standing at the table. Gus looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws and Harry picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Harry goes over to the Willie's apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Harry declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pillar Interruption
The Sunday School teacher described how Lot's wife looked back at Sodom and was turned into a pillar of salt.
Suddenly Jimmy interrupted. "My mom looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Skunk
A skunk family was cornered by a pack of wolves.
The mama skunk said to her babies, "Let us spray."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As we enjoy the holidays, remember to be nice to thosefirst-time turkey cookers...One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister'shousefor the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible mysisteris, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sisterthatshe needed something from the store.When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of theoven,removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen andinserted itinto the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She thenplacedthe bird(s) back in the oven.When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled theturkey outof the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. Whenherserving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulledoutthe little bird.With a look of total shock on her face, my motherexclaimed,"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At thereality ofthis horrifying news, my sister started to cry.It took the family two hours to convince her thatturkeyslay eggs!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sick Husband...A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sentto thehospital.The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man'swife. Hesaid, "Your husband has been suffering from seriousstress.If immediate action is not taken, he could die in averyshort time."The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"The doctor said, "You must provide a stress-freeenvironmentin your home. For the next two weeks, make wonderfulmealsfor him every day. Also, you must be sure that youdon't naghim or stress him in any way."On the drive home from the hospital, her husbandasked, "Sowhat's wrong with me, honey?"The woman paused for a moment and then replied,"Sorry,honey, but you're going to die."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to J & G B -- Bad News (Just a joke)Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President, George W.Bush, his daily briefing. He concludes by saying,"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.""OH NO!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,nervously watching as the president sits, head inhands.Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many isa brazillion?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Especially for Ken...What Language Are We Speaking Here???The European Union commissioners have announced thatagreement has been reached to adopt English as thepreferred language for European communications, ratherthan German, which was the other possibility. As partof the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government concededthat English spelling had some room for improvementand has accepted a five-year phased plan for what willbe known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).European officials have often pointed out that Englishspelling is unnecessarily difficult -- for example,cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What isclearly needed is a phased program of changes to ironout these anomalies. The program would, of course, beadministered by a committee staff at top level byparticipating nations.In the first year, for example, the committee wouldsuggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly,sivil servants in all sities would resieve this newswith joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not onlywould this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikalworkers, but typewriters kould be made with one lessletter.There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekondyear, it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph'would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make wordslike 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the newspelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where morekomplikated shanges are possible. Governments wouldenkourage the removal of double letters, which havealways been a deterent to akurate speling.We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e'sin the languag is disgrasful. Therfor we kould dropthes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothinghad hapend. By this tim it would be four years sinsthe skem began and peopl would be reseptive to stepssutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen zefunktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is,after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similararguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations ofleters.Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventulihav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zervud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud finit ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermntvud finali hav kum tru.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 23rd
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Grandfather TurkeyJust before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As we enjoy the holidays, remember to be nice to thosefirst-time turkey cookers...One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's housefor the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sisteris, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister thatshe needed something from the store.When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted itinto the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placedthe bird(s) back in the oven.When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey outof the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When herserving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled outthe little bird.With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality ofthis horrifying news, my sister started to cry.It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeyslay eggs!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Message Puzzle
April was puzzled recently by the odd messages she kept getting on her voice mail. Day after day, all she'd hear, from friends, family, and customers alike, would be their message and then they'd ALL say, "BEEP."
We were talking about something else and I had her check her voice mail message to find something out. She discovered the solution to the BEEP riddle.
Her message said, "I'm not available right now, so, please leave a beep after the message."
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Here is today's Illustration. - Thankfulness, Thanksgiving
He was a good man but a bit stingy. He would bargain and haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially hated paying his medical fees.
One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his throat and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife frantically called the family doctor, who arrived just as the patient's face was turning blue. The physician quickly removed the bone with a pair of forceps.
After he was breathing normally again, although overwhelmed with gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, he began to worry about the medical fees.
Trying his best to keep his costs down, he turned to the good doctor and asked, "How much do I owe you for this small two-minute job?"
The doctor, who knew his patient's miserly habit all too well, replied, "Just pay me half of what you would have when the bone was still stuck in your throat!"
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The turkey shot out of the ovenThe turkey shot out of the ovenand rocketed into the air,it knocked every plate off the tableand partly demolished a chair.It ricocheted into a corner andburst with a deafening boom,then splattered all over the kitchen,completely obscuring the room.It stuck to the walls and the windows,it totally coated the floor,there was turkey attached to the ceiling,where there'd never been turkey before.It blanketed every appliance,it smeared every saucer and bowl,there wasn't a way I could stop it,that turkey was out of control.I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,and thought with chagrin as I mopped,that I'd never again stuff a turkeywith popcorn that hadn't been popped.
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Thanks to L.M. for these:When I was a child, my family's menu consisted of twochoices: take it or leave it.Cheer up; birds have bills too, but they keep onsinging.We never know the worth of water till the well is dry.No one is more unhappy than he who never had bad luck,He could never test himself.Everything now seems to be under Federal controlexcept the National debt and the budget.Eventually every woman reaches the age when shedoesn't want any birthdays but still wants thepresents.There are times that parenthood seems like nothing butfeeding the mouth that bites you.It is better to nobly remembered than to be noblyborn.Life is a play; tis not its length, but itsperformance that counts.A man that doesn't make mistakes doesn't do anything.Is a scholarly debate feud for thought?The only time that a woman really changes a man iswhen he is a baby.Some people don't tolerate intolerance.Children have more need for models than critics.Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high on thefood chain as we think.We live in an age where people would rather be enviedthan esteemed and when that happens, God help us.There is many a tear in the heart that never reachesthat eye. Most people spread more gossip than they digup.There is none so blind than he who will not see.Light is the task when many share the toil.We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit onthe curb and clap as they go by.A man is no better than his word and no bigger thanwhat it takes to make him mad.There are days when it takes all you've got just tokeep up with the losers.Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing youkeep yours.Pay no attention to what the critics say. A Statuehas never been erected in honor of a critic.Most failures come from people who have the habit ofmaking excuses.There's one thing no nation can accuse us of---that issecret diplomacy. Our foreign dealings are an openbook---generally a checkbook.We have killed more people celebrating ourIndependence Day, than we lost fighting for it.We should never blame the government for not doingsomething, it's when they do something is when theybecome dangerous.Last year we said, Things can't go on like this, andthey didn't. They got worse.The news that's not fit to print is what makes thenewspapers.A horse that can count to ten is a remarkable horse,not a remarkable mathematician.Two quick ways to disaster are to take nobody's adviceand to take everybody's advice.Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar intofour pieces with your bare hands and then just eat onepiece.When love adorns the home, other decorations aresecondary.Make your life a prayer.To stay on a diet, you need to follow the path offeast resistance.Beware of the person that likes to have their cake---and yours, too.Be yourself----who is better qualified ?Getting along with someone is 98% attitude.Teamwork divides the effort and multiplies the effect.Some folks won't ask for advice for fear they willleave the impression they need it.In life, as in football, you won't go far unless youknow which way the goal-post is.Some people who are looking for jobs are notnecessarily looking for work.A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn hisback to the crowd.Tact is the ability to make a person see the lightningwithout letting him feel the jolt.Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.The person who is always finding fault seldom findsanything else. Success usually comes to those who aretoo busy to look for it.The one thing worse than being alone is wishing youwere.An optimist laughs to forget; a pessimist forgets tolaugh.Better to be rebuked by God than to be entertained bythe devil.There are some people who wind up on third base andnever make it home.In life, you can never do a kindness too soon becauseyou never know when it will be to late.Gossip is like spreading butter on bread, it is hardto unspread it.An atheist is a man who has no invisible means ofsupport.If you want to be near to God in prayer, don't get faraway in between times.Don't count your years; make your years count!Faults are thick where love is thin.We usually admire the other fellow more, after we havetried to do his job.HOW WOULD WE FEEL?If God gave us the same amount of time and attentionthat we devote to Him?If God put as many things ahead of us as we put aheadof Him?If God offered as many excuses as we do? And if theexcuses were no more justifiable than ours?If God's promises were no more certain than ours?If God withheld His blessings from us as we withholdour offerings from Him?If God loved Himself as much as we love ourselves andgave as little thought to us as we give to Him?
Grandfather TurkeyJust before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded her younger birds. "You turkeys are always into mischief," she gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As we enjoy the holidays, remember to be nice to thosefirst-time turkey cookers...One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's housefor the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sisteris, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister thatshe needed something from the store.When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted itinto the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placedthe bird(s) back in the oven.When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey outof the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When herserving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled outthe little bird.With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality ofthis horrifying news, my sister started to cry.It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeyslay eggs!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Message Puzzle
April was puzzled recently by the odd messages she kept getting on her voice mail. Day after day, all she'd hear, from friends, family, and customers alike, would be their message and then they'd ALL say, "BEEP."
We were talking about something else and I had her check her voice mail message to find something out. She discovered the solution to the BEEP riddle.
Her message said, "I'm not available right now, so, please leave a beep after the message."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Thankfulness, Thanksgiving
He was a good man but a bit stingy. He would bargain and haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially hated paying his medical fees.
One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his throat and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife frantically called the family doctor, who arrived just as the patient's face was turning blue. The physician quickly removed the bone with a pair of forceps.
After he was breathing normally again, although overwhelmed with gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, he began to worry about the medical fees.
Trying his best to keep his costs down, he turned to the good doctor and asked, "How much do I owe you for this small two-minute job?"
The doctor, who knew his patient's miserly habit all too well, replied, "Just pay me half of what you would have when the bone was still stuck in your throat!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The turkey shot out of the ovenThe turkey shot out of the ovenand rocketed into the air,it knocked every plate off the tableand partly demolished a chair.It ricocheted into a corner andburst with a deafening boom,then splattered all over the kitchen,completely obscuring the room.It stuck to the walls and the windows,it totally coated the floor,there was turkey attached to the ceiling,where there'd never been turkey before.It blanketed every appliance,it smeared every saucer and bowl,there wasn't a way I could stop it,that turkey was out of control.I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,and thought with chagrin as I mopped,that I'd never again stuff a turkeywith popcorn that hadn't been popped.
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Thanks to L.M. for these:When I was a child, my family's menu consisted of twochoices: take it or leave it.Cheer up; birds have bills too, but they keep onsinging.We never know the worth of water till the well is dry.No one is more unhappy than he who never had bad luck,He could never test himself.Everything now seems to be under Federal controlexcept the National debt and the budget.Eventually every woman reaches the age when shedoesn't want any birthdays but still wants thepresents.There are times that parenthood seems like nothing butfeeding the mouth that bites you.It is better to nobly remembered than to be noblyborn.Life is a play; tis not its length, but itsperformance that counts.A man that doesn't make mistakes doesn't do anything.Is a scholarly debate feud for thought?The only time that a woman really changes a man iswhen he is a baby.Some people don't tolerate intolerance.Children have more need for models than critics.Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high on thefood chain as we think.We live in an age where people would rather be enviedthan esteemed and when that happens, God help us.There is many a tear in the heart that never reachesthat eye. Most people spread more gossip than they digup.There is none so blind than he who will not see.Light is the task when many share the toil.We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit onthe curb and clap as they go by.A man is no better than his word and no bigger thanwhat it takes to make him mad.There are days when it takes all you've got just tokeep up with the losers.Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing youkeep yours.Pay no attention to what the critics say. A Statuehas never been erected in honor of a critic.Most failures come from people who have the habit ofmaking excuses.There's one thing no nation can accuse us of---that issecret diplomacy. Our foreign dealings are an openbook---generally a checkbook.We have killed more people celebrating ourIndependence Day, than we lost fighting for it.We should never blame the government for not doingsomething, it's when they do something is when theybecome dangerous.Last year we said, Things can't go on like this, andthey didn't. They got worse.The news that's not fit to print is what makes thenewspapers.A horse that can count to ten is a remarkable horse,not a remarkable mathematician.Two quick ways to disaster are to take nobody's adviceand to take everybody's advice.Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar intofour pieces with your bare hands and then just eat onepiece.When love adorns the home, other decorations aresecondary.Make your life a prayer.To stay on a diet, you need to follow the path offeast resistance.Beware of the person that likes to have their cake---and yours, too.Be yourself----who is better qualified ?Getting along with someone is 98% attitude.Teamwork divides the effort and multiplies the effect.Some folks won't ask for advice for fear they willleave the impression they need it.In life, as in football, you won't go far unless youknow which way the goal-post is.Some people who are looking for jobs are notnecessarily looking for work.A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn hisback to the crowd.Tact is the ability to make a person see the lightningwithout letting him feel the jolt.Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.The person who is always finding fault seldom findsanything else. Success usually comes to those who aretoo busy to look for it.The one thing worse than being alone is wishing youwere.An optimist laughs to forget; a pessimist forgets tolaugh.Better to be rebuked by God than to be entertained bythe devil.There are some people who wind up on third base andnever make it home.In life, you can never do a kindness too soon becauseyou never know when it will be to late.Gossip is like spreading butter on bread, it is hardto unspread it.An atheist is a man who has no invisible means ofsupport.If you want to be near to God in prayer, don't get faraway in between times.Don't count your years; make your years count!Faults are thick where love is thin.We usually admire the other fellow more, after we havetried to do his job.HOW WOULD WE FEEL?If God gave us the same amount of time and attentionthat we devote to Him?If God put as many things ahead of us as we put aheadof Him?If God offered as many excuses as we do? And if theexcuses were no more justifiable than ours?If God's promises were no more certain than ours?If God withheld His blessings from us as we withholdour offerings from Him?If God loved Himself as much as we love ourselves andgave as little thought to us as we give to Him?
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Monday, November 21, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 21st
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Captain Comeback
I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it.
"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"
"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"
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Thanks to L.M. for these:The sin ye do two by two ye must pay for one by one.Conversation between Adam and Eve must have beendifficult at times because they had no one to talkabout.If life knocks you flat on your back, just tellyourself, "Things are looking up!"The government solution to a problem is usually worstthan the problem.Lots of people live in beautiful apartmentsoverlooking the rent.According to U.S.A. Financial analyst Rick Edleman;an American parent serving as a cook, financialmanager, psychologist and bus driver should receive asalary of $508,700.00 a year.When some say that they want to serve God, they meanin an advisory capacity.The early Christians, [by teaching God's word], turnedthe world upside down. Now they will not all get onthe same side.The years seem to go by faster when you get olderprobably because you are going downhill.Most human beings have an almost endless capacity fortaking things for granted.Know how to listen, and you will profit even fromthose who talk badly.Twixt the optimist and pessimist, the difference isdroll; The optimist sees the doughnut, but thepessimist sees the hole.Aging is relative---in the time I went from 13 to 17,my mother aged twenty years!You can tell you're getting older, when you have lessdrive and more park.To always be ready, you must be able to cut a knot,for not everything can be untied.Speak when you're angry and you'll make the bestspeech that you'll ever regret.Pray for a good harvest------ but continue to hoe.You can't get much done by starting tomorrow.Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.A well-chosen word can speak volumes.There are no two people alike and they are both gladof it.The price of authority is responsibility.No one is useless if he lightens the burden of someoneelse.The only thing worse than repeating gossip is startingit.Better to stumble with your toe than with your tongue.Remember to forgive, then remember to forget.The manner in which it is given is worth more than thegift.It isn't necessary to put out the other fellow's lightto make yours shine more brightly.If we're unconcerned what the future holds for us thenwe have wasted our lives.Be like the postage stamp----stick to your job untilyou get there.If you don't wish to be shown up, don't show off.Never lose a chance of saying a kind word.Dedication and determination yield success andsatisfaction. Reaching high keeps a man on his toes.Experience is what causes people to make new mistakesinstead old ones.Better to trust a man who is frequently in error thanthe one who is never in doubt.When you fail, call it learning and move on.Gossip travels freely, but good news has to be helpedalong.If you don't feel close to God, guess who moved.A person who always says what they think is courageous---and friendless.Do the best that you can in this life----this is not arehearsal.In the old days no one locked their house, the mostthey feared might be a mouse.When there was no Interstate---we just leftearly---and we weren't late.The choice we make today affects tomorrow.If you must make mistakes, it will be more to yourcredit if you make a new one each time.Progress has little to do with speed and much to dowith direction.Others will follow your footsteps more easily thanthey will your advice.Why can't all life's problems happen when we'reteenagers, and know it all?Love gives us strength---friends----and life.Do not chose your friends by outward show, for thefeather floats where the pearl lies low.A smile is a language even a baby understands.
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Thanks to L.M. for these:Nothing is as irritating as the fellow that chatspleasantly while he's overcharging you.It is often easier to hide something than to hide thefact that you are hiding something.The best way to make a small fortune is to start witha big one.Good instincts usually tell you what to do long beforeyour head has figured it out.The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to besure that one of them is a match.A house may be too small for one family, but it cannever be big enough for two.You've heard of the three ages of man: Youth, Middleage, and "you are looking wonderful".What is more enchanting than the voices of youngpeople when you can't hear what they say?Seldom is anyone so spiritual as to strip himselfentirely of self-love.It is difficult to see why lace should be so costly;it is mostly holes.RESOLVED for year 2006: Remember, DIET has a big fatD because I ET too much.Better a thousand enemies outside the house than oneinside.Could've been ark trouble: Have you ever stopped toconsider what would have happened if Noah had allowedsame-sex couples to represent their species when hewas marching the animals aboard the ark two by two?There's nothing that takes a fellow down a notch ortwo faster than a bad haircut.There's another advantage to being poor----A doctorwill cure you faster.Worry is like riding a roller coaster---It scares youand you always end up right where you started.True friends are those who, when you've made a fool ofyourself, don't think you've done a permanent job.Don't live in the past.....you've already been there.You can't sell from an empty wagon.Although the tongue weighs very little, few people areable to hold it.When friendship costs something, then you can countyour friends.I never can do what I want to do for having to do whatI have to do.Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.In a human being, the wishbone is located just underthe hat.Shadows fall behind you when you face the sun.A candle loses nothing when it lights another.A humble man never blows his 'knows' in public.Children can usually repeat word for word those thingsyou shouldn't have said.Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discussevents, small minds discuss people.The only person more obnoxious than a wise guy, is awise guy who turns out to be right.Inspiration + Aspiration + Perspiration = SUCCESSThe average child learns to walk at 17 months. Theaverage mother learns soon after.Take nothing on its looks; take everything onevidence.Living a Christian Life is not the most popular thingthat you may do, but it is the most important thingthat you will ever do!It is always easy to add a word, but sometimes hard towithdraw one.It's all right to have a train of thought; if you havea terminal.A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow aseasily as he can invent one.The best way to appreciate life is to imagine yourselfwithout it.If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.You'll never strain your eyes by looking at the brightside of things.Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better thanis absolutely necessary.Even good steel loses its temper when it getsoverheated.If you live in harmony with yourself, you are apt tolive in harmony with others.Living on a budget is the same as living beyond yourmeans, except you have a record of it.The wise judge by what they see, the foolish by whatthey hear.When we are defeated, it should stimulate us to tryharder the next time.What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back witha hinge in it.ghqq
Captain Comeback
I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn't swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it.
"Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"
"No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to L.M. for these:The sin ye do two by two ye must pay for one by one.Conversation between Adam and Eve must have beendifficult at times because they had no one to talkabout.If life knocks you flat on your back, just tellyourself, "Things are looking up!"The government solution to a problem is usually worstthan the problem.Lots of people live in beautiful apartmentsoverlooking the rent.According to U.S.A. Financial analyst Rick Edleman;an American parent serving as a cook, financialmanager, psychologist and bus driver should receive asalary of $508,700.00 a year.When some say that they want to serve God, they meanin an advisory capacity.The early Christians, [by teaching God's word], turnedthe world upside down. Now they will not all get onthe same side.The years seem to go by faster when you get olderprobably because you are going downhill.Most human beings have an almost endless capacity fortaking things for granted.Know how to listen, and you will profit even fromthose who talk badly.Twixt the optimist and pessimist, the difference isdroll; The optimist sees the doughnut, but thepessimist sees the hole.Aging is relative---in the time I went from 13 to 17,my mother aged twenty years!You can tell you're getting older, when you have lessdrive and more park.To always be ready, you must be able to cut a knot,for not everything can be untied.Speak when you're angry and you'll make the bestspeech that you'll ever regret.Pray for a good harvest------ but continue to hoe.You can't get much done by starting tomorrow.Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.A well-chosen word can speak volumes.There are no two people alike and they are both gladof it.The price of authority is responsibility.No one is useless if he lightens the burden of someoneelse.The only thing worse than repeating gossip is startingit.Better to stumble with your toe than with your tongue.Remember to forgive, then remember to forget.The manner in which it is given is worth more than thegift.It isn't necessary to put out the other fellow's lightto make yours shine more brightly.If we're unconcerned what the future holds for us thenwe have wasted our lives.Be like the postage stamp----stick to your job untilyou get there.If you don't wish to be shown up, don't show off.Never lose a chance of saying a kind word.Dedication and determination yield success andsatisfaction. Reaching high keeps a man on his toes.Experience is what causes people to make new mistakesinstead old ones.Better to trust a man who is frequently in error thanthe one who is never in doubt.When you fail, call it learning and move on.Gossip travels freely, but good news has to be helpedalong.If you don't feel close to God, guess who moved.A person who always says what they think is courageous---and friendless.Do the best that you can in this life----this is not arehearsal.In the old days no one locked their house, the mostthey feared might be a mouse.When there was no Interstate---we just leftearly---and we weren't late.The choice we make today affects tomorrow.If you must make mistakes, it will be more to yourcredit if you make a new one each time.Progress has little to do with speed and much to dowith direction.Others will follow your footsteps more easily thanthey will your advice.Why can't all life's problems happen when we'reteenagers, and know it all?Love gives us strength---friends----and life.Do not chose your friends by outward show, for thefeather floats where the pearl lies low.A smile is a language even a baby understands.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to L.M. for these:Nothing is as irritating as the fellow that chatspleasantly while he's overcharging you.It is often easier to hide something than to hide thefact that you are hiding something.The best way to make a small fortune is to start witha big one.Good instincts usually tell you what to do long beforeyour head has figured it out.The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to besure that one of them is a match.A house may be too small for one family, but it cannever be big enough for two.You've heard of the three ages of man: Youth, Middleage, and "you are looking wonderful".What is more enchanting than the voices of youngpeople when you can't hear what they say?Seldom is anyone so spiritual as to strip himselfentirely of self-love.It is difficult to see why lace should be so costly;it is mostly holes.RESOLVED for year 2006: Remember, DIET has a big fatD because I ET too much.Better a thousand enemies outside the house than oneinside.Could've been ark trouble: Have you ever stopped toconsider what would have happened if Noah had allowedsame-sex couples to represent their species when hewas marching the animals aboard the ark two by two?There's nothing that takes a fellow down a notch ortwo faster than a bad haircut.There's another advantage to being poor----A doctorwill cure you faster.Worry is like riding a roller coaster---It scares youand you always end up right where you started.True friends are those who, when you've made a fool ofyourself, don't think you've done a permanent job.Don't live in the past.....you've already been there.You can't sell from an empty wagon.Although the tongue weighs very little, few people areable to hold it.When friendship costs something, then you can countyour friends.I never can do what I want to do for having to do whatI have to do.Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.In a human being, the wishbone is located just underthe hat.Shadows fall behind you when you face the sun.A candle loses nothing when it lights another.A humble man never blows his 'knows' in public.Children can usually repeat word for word those thingsyou shouldn't have said.Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discussevents, small minds discuss people.The only person more obnoxious than a wise guy, is awise guy who turns out to be right.Inspiration + Aspiration + Perspiration = SUCCESSThe average child learns to walk at 17 months. Theaverage mother learns soon after.Take nothing on its looks; take everything onevidence.Living a Christian Life is not the most popular thingthat you may do, but it is the most important thingthat you will ever do!It is always easy to add a word, but sometimes hard towithdraw one.It's all right to have a train of thought; if you havea terminal.A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow aseasily as he can invent one.The best way to appreciate life is to imagine yourselfwithout it.If you wouldn't write it and sign it, don't say it.You'll never strain your eyes by looking at the brightside of things.Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better thanis absolutely necessary.Even good steel loses its temper when it getsoverheated.If you live in harmony with yourself, you are apt tolive in harmony with others.Living on a budget is the same as living beyond yourmeans, except you have a record of it.The wise judge by what they see, the foolish by whatthey hear.When we are defeated, it should stimulate us to tryharder the next time.What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back witha hinge in it.ghqq
Sunday, November 20, 2005
hUMOR For Nov 20th
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Tennis BraceletA woman sees a beautiful tennis bracelet in a jewelry store window. She goes in and asks the clerk if a small deposit will hold it until her husband does something unforgivable.
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Grandma and Computer
The computer's swallowed grandmaYes' honestly' its true.She pressed 'control' and 'enter'And disappeared from view.
Its devoured her completelyThe thought just makes me squirm.Maybe she's caught a virusOr been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle binAnd files of every kind. I've even used the InternetBut nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked JeevesMy searches to refine.The reply from him was negativeNot a thing was found 'online'.
So, if inside your 'In Box'My Grandma you should see.Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' herIn an e-mail back to me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." - Oscar Wilde
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Reaching the Unchurched
While serving as church usher, I was carrying out our tradition of escorting parishioners to their seats before the service began. After I returned to the entrance of the sanctuary to escort the next party, I greeted two strangers and asked where they would like to sit.
Looking confused, the young man smiled and said, "Nonsmoking, please."
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Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck. A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal" "But I'm not a Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected. "Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were." Hitting the delete key, the reporter began: "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack" "But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds. The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red Sox or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you like?" "I'm a Texas Ranger fan and I really like George W. Bush," the boy says. Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again: "Arrogant Little Conservative Kid Kills Beloved Family Pet."
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Thanks to L.M. for these:If only we could forget our troubles as easily as weforget our blessings.Steam engines don't run on lukewarm water.The road that we're on may seem long but it leads toour final destination.The most difficult job of all is trying to look busywhen you're not.There is no indigestion worse than that of trying toeat your own words.Never miss a rainbow or a sunset because you'relooking down.It's not so much how I look as how others see me.People who live beyond their means must be given a lotof credit.Confidence is the feeling that you have before youknow better.If you want to launch a big ship, you have to go wherethe water is deep.The man who never makes mistakes loses a great manychances to learn something.It's better to prevent than to lament.Don't just entertain ideas----put them to work.Nothing is harder than gracefully getting down fromyour high horse.I can keep a secret, but those I tell it to never can.Temper gets us into trouble----pride keeps us there.Once you get started doing nothing it's hard to quit.Word processors should be combined with foodprocessors in case we have to eat our words.God doesn't always remove the darkness, but He willhelp us get through it.He that graduated yesterday and stops learning todayis uneducated tomorrow.Those who make the worse use of their time are firstto complain of its brevity.Wear the shoes you want filled. Proverbs 22:6In speech, volume has a way of drowning out meaning.Man said of his wife; We get along swimmingly, everytime I say something she drowns me out.If you see someone without a smile, give them yours.Sometimes the best present you can give someone isjust leave them alone.People seldom get dizzy from doing good turns.The time to make friends is before you need them.Since there is no body like you, you can make adifference.Blowing out the other fellow's candle won't make yoursany brighter.There may be a destiny that shapes our ends, but ourmiddles are of our own choosing.When some turn over a new leaf, it is likely to bepretty much a carbon copy of the last.Middle age is when you've met so many people thatevery new person reminds you of someone else.Progress involves risk...you can't steal second andkeep your foot on first.The luckiest people in the world are those who don'tdepend on good luck.A man of words and not of deeds is like a garden fullof weeds.The life one lives speaks louder than the words heutters.Self-satisfaction makes people fear the unknown,mistrust the untried and abhor the new.Whatever your past has been, you can have a betterfuture.It's not enough to be busy...the question is, what areyou busy about?Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.Doing what's right today means no regrets tomorrow.To ease another's heartache is to forget your own.The best way to kill time is to work it to death.If you can't do great things, do small things in agreat way.Short visits make long friends.The steam that blows the whistle isn't driving thewheels.Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.Tact is what a fellow has when he won't change hismind but can change the subject.Many times you find the big apples on top of thebasket, but you must remember that the little ones areholding them up.We search for beauty in distant lands while we crushthe violets beneath our foot.
Tennis BraceletA woman sees a beautiful tennis bracelet in a jewelry store window. She goes in and asks the clerk if a small deposit will hold it until her husband does something unforgivable.
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Grandma and Computer
The computer's swallowed grandmaYes' honestly' its true.She pressed 'control' and 'enter'And disappeared from view.
Its devoured her completelyThe thought just makes me squirm.Maybe she's caught a virusOr been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle binAnd files of every kind. I've even used the InternetBut nothing did I find.
In desperation I asked JeevesMy searches to refine.The reply from him was negativeNot a thing was found 'online'.
So, if inside your 'In Box'My Grandma you should see.Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' herIn an e-mail back to me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." - Oscar Wilde
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reaching the Unchurched
While serving as church usher, I was carrying out our tradition of escorting parishioners to their seats before the service began. After I returned to the entrance of the sanctuary to escort the next party, I greeted two strangers and asked where they would like to sit.
Looking confused, the young man smiled and said, "Nonsmoking, please."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck. A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal" "But I'm not a Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected. "Sorry" replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were." Hitting the delete key, the reporter began: "John Kerry Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack" "But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds. The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red Sox or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you like?" "I'm a Texas Ranger fan and I really like George W. Bush," the boy says. Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again: "Arrogant Little Conservative Kid Kills Beloved Family Pet."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to L.M. for these:If only we could forget our troubles as easily as weforget our blessings.Steam engines don't run on lukewarm water.The road that we're on may seem long but it leads toour final destination.The most difficult job of all is trying to look busywhen you're not.There is no indigestion worse than that of trying toeat your own words.Never miss a rainbow or a sunset because you'relooking down.It's not so much how I look as how others see me.People who live beyond their means must be given a lotof credit.Confidence is the feeling that you have before youknow better.If you want to launch a big ship, you have to go wherethe water is deep.The man who never makes mistakes loses a great manychances to learn something.It's better to prevent than to lament.Don't just entertain ideas----put them to work.Nothing is harder than gracefully getting down fromyour high horse.I can keep a secret, but those I tell it to never can.Temper gets us into trouble----pride keeps us there.Once you get started doing nothing it's hard to quit.Word processors should be combined with foodprocessors in case we have to eat our words.God doesn't always remove the darkness, but He willhelp us get through it.He that graduated yesterday and stops learning todayis uneducated tomorrow.Those who make the worse use of their time are firstto complain of its brevity.Wear the shoes you want filled. Proverbs 22:6In speech, volume has a way of drowning out meaning.Man said of his wife; We get along swimmingly, everytime I say something she drowns me out.If you see someone without a smile, give them yours.Sometimes the best present you can give someone isjust leave them alone.People seldom get dizzy from doing good turns.The time to make friends is before you need them.Since there is no body like you, you can make adifference.Blowing out the other fellow's candle won't make yoursany brighter.There may be a destiny that shapes our ends, but ourmiddles are of our own choosing.When some turn over a new leaf, it is likely to bepretty much a carbon copy of the last.Middle age is when you've met so many people thatevery new person reminds you of someone else.Progress involves risk...you can't steal second andkeep your foot on first.The luckiest people in the world are those who don'tdepend on good luck.A man of words and not of deeds is like a garden fullof weeds.The life one lives speaks louder than the words heutters.Self-satisfaction makes people fear the unknown,mistrust the untried and abhor the new.Whatever your past has been, you can have a betterfuture.It's not enough to be busy...the question is, what areyou busy about?Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.Doing what's right today means no regrets tomorrow.To ease another's heartache is to forget your own.The best way to kill time is to work it to death.If you can't do great things, do small things in agreat way.Short visits make long friends.The steam that blows the whistle isn't driving thewheels.Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.Tact is what a fellow has when he won't change hismind but can change the subject.Many times you find the big apples on top of thebasket, but you must remember that the little ones areholding them up.We search for beauty in distant lands while we crushthe violets beneath our foot.
Friday, November 18, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 18th
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London BuildingA Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618."Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"As they passed Westminister Abbey the cab driver was silent."Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the TexanThe driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
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St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by thePearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; hebarely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushesback to the gates, but no one's there.St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bellrings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one'sthere. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back;again, no one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says."I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St.Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks upand rings the bell.St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy whokeeps ringing the bell?""Yes, that's me," the little old man says."Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St.Peter asks."They keep resuscitating me," he replies.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arrangements
It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when...you know...when...you pass on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.
"I mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you want to be buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and said, "Son, why don't you surprise me?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cheerful Giving
A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. "Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself," she told the girl.
Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.
"Well," said the little girl, "I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Younger vs olderYOU ARE EITHER THERE AND UNDERSTAND THESE, OR ONE DAYYOU WILL...Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground withsticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's calledgolf.Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lyingabout your age and start bragging about it.The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waitingin line for.Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me,I want people to know "why" I look this way. I'vetraveled a long way and some of the roads weren'tpaved.How old would you be if you didn't know how old youare?When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back toyour youth, think of Algebra.You know you are getting old when everything eitherdries up or leaks.One of the many things no one tells you about aging isthat it is such a nice change from being young.One must wait until evening to see how splendid theday has been.Ah ... being young is beautiful, but being old iscomfortable.Old age is when former classmates are so gray,wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't haveanything to laugh at when you are old.First you forget names, then you forget faces. Thenyou forget to pull-up your zipper; then, oh mygoodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!If you jog in a joggiwind-breakerunge in loungingpajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY wouldanyone want to wear a windbreaker?And best of all... I don't know how I got over thehill without getting to the top. Now that's somethingto think about!
London BuildingA Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618."Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"As they passed Westminister Abbey the cab driver was silent."Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the TexanThe driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by thePearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; hebarely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushesback to the gates, but no one's there.St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bellrings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one'sthere. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back;again, no one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says."I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St.Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks upand rings the bell.St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy whokeeps ringing the bell?""Yes, that's me," the little old man says."Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St.Peter asks."They keep resuscitating me," he replies.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arrangements
It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when...you know...when...you pass on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.
"I mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you want to be buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and said, "Son, why don't you surprise me?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cheerful Giving
A mother wanted to teach her daughter a moral lesson. She gave the little girl a quarter and a dollar for church. "Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself," she told the girl.
Sunday, when they were coming out of the church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given.
"Well," said the little girl, "I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Younger vs olderYOU ARE EITHER THERE AND UNDERSTAND THESE, OR ONE DAYYOU WILL...Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground withsticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's calledgolf.Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lyingabout your age and start bragging about it.The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waitingin line for.Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me,I want people to know "why" I look this way. I'vetraveled a long way and some of the roads weren'tpaved.How old would you be if you didn't know how old youare?When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back toyour youth, think of Algebra.You know you are getting old when everything eitherdries up or leaks.One of the many things no one tells you about aging isthat it is such a nice change from being young.One must wait until evening to see how splendid theday has been.Ah ... being young is beautiful, but being old iscomfortable.Old age is when former classmates are so gray,wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't haveanything to laugh at when you are old.First you forget names, then you forget faces. Thenyou forget to pull-up your zipper; then, oh mygoodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!If you jog in a joggiwind-breakerunge in loungingpajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY wouldanyone want to wear a windbreaker?And best of all... I don't know how I got over thehill without getting to the top. Now that's somethingto think about!
Thursday, November 17, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 17th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and weresharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear thatthe elevators in their hotel were broken and they would haveto climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony ofthis unpleasant task by concentrating on somethinginteresting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can singsongs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sadstories for the rest of the way."At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim beganto sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scottbegan to tell sad stories."I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left theroom key in the car!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like this:
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, so God created a small committee. He carefully balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines.
Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.
And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement." And behold, the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called that process empowerment. And God thought it sounded pretty good.
And evening and morning were the second day.
And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage in long-term planning." Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third day. Although the question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought the process was constructive.
And evening and morning were the third day.
And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the committee can envision functional organization and engage in planning by objectives." The committee considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives to program directions, and God saw that this was good. And God thought that it was even worth all of the coffee and donuts that he had to supply.
And so ended the fourth day.
And God said, "Let the committee be implemented with long-range planning and strategy." The committee considered guidelines and linkages and structural sensitivities, and alternatives and implemental models. And God saw that this was very democratic.
And so would have ended the fifth day, except for the unintentional renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and objectives.
On the sixth day the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory assessment and evaluation. This wasn't the agenda that God had planned. He wasn't able to attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon off to create day and night and heaven and earth and seas and plants and stars and trees and seasons and years and sun and moon and birds and fish and animals and human beings.
On the seventh day God rested and the committee submitted its recommendations. It turned out that the recommended forms for things were nearly identical to the way that God had created them; so the committee passed a resolution commending God for his implementation according to the guidelines. There was, however, some opinion expressed that people should have been created in the committee's image.
And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee ?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Classmate Reunion
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Classmate Reunion
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Growing old has one advantage - you never have to do it over again."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------------------------------------------------------------------->
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24, in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and weresharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear thatthe elevators in their hotel were broken and they would haveto climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony ofthis unpleasant task by concentrating on somethinginteresting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can singsongs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sadstories for the rest of the way."At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim beganto sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scottbegan to tell sad stories."I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left theroom key in the car!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If God was process oriented, the Book of Genesis might read something like this:
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, so God created a small committee. He carefully balanced the committee vis-a-vis race, gender, ethnic origin, and economic status in order to interface pluralism with the holistic concept of self-determination according to adjudicatory guidelines.
Even God was impressed, and so ended the first day.
And God said, "Let the committee draw up a mission statement." And behold, the committee decided to prioritize and strategize and God called that process empowerment. And God thought it sounded pretty good.
And evening and morning were the second day.
And God said, "Let the committee determine goals and objectives and engage in long-term planning." Unfortunately, a debate about the semantic differences between goals and objectives pre-empted almost all of the third day. Although the question was never satisfactorily resolved, God thought the process was constructive.
And evening and morning were the third day.
And God said, "Let there be a retreat in which the committee can envision functional organization and engage in planning by objectives." The committee considered adjustment of priorities and consequential alternatives to program directions, and God saw that this was good. And God thought that it was even worth all of the coffee and donuts that he had to supply.
And so ended the fourth day.
And God said, "Let the committee be implemented with long-range planning and strategy." The committee considered guidelines and linkages and structural sensitivities, and alternatives and implemental models. And God saw that this was very democratic.
And so would have ended the fifth day, except for the unintentional renewal of the debate about the differences between goals and objectives.
On the sixth day the committee agreed on criteria for adjudicatory assessment and evaluation. This wasn't the agenda that God had planned. He wasn't able to attend, however, because he had to take the afternoon off to create day and night and heaven and earth and seas and plants and stars and trees and seasons and years and sun and moon and birds and fish and animals and human beings.
On the seventh day God rested and the committee submitted its recommendations. It turned out that the recommended forms for things were nearly identical to the way that God had created them; so the committee passed a resolution commending God for his implementation according to the guidelines. There was, however, some opinion expressed that people should have been created in the committee's image.
And God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the committee ?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Classmate Reunion
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Classmate Reunion
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Growing old has one advantage - you never have to do it over again."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------------------------------------------------------------------->
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24, in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 16th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses formy wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches onthe bouquet, a young man burst through the door,breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses."I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our lastbunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "MayI please have those roses?""What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your weddinganniversary?""It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed mywife's hard drive!"Received from Jokes Central.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Empty Nest Craft
I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials. I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then I set it on the couch to see how it looked.
Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a surprise visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold." - Maurice Setter
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stupid Excuses
German police caught a man playing the flute with both hands as he sped through traffic at 80 miles per hour on a busy highway, Wednesday.
"He was leaning back in the seat and steering the car with his knees and feet," said Bohnert Herzl a police spokes- person. "He looked like he'd had practice."
When caught, the 52-year-old told police he was not actually blowing the instrument. He was just practicing the "holding technique."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Atkins Had it Right - Ban Bread!
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, with complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another one for the holidays -- Florida Corn PuddingWendy, Washington2 c. frozen whole kernel corn1 egg, slightly beaten1 tbsp. sugar1/2 tsp. salt1 tbsp. corn starch1 c. milk1 tbsp. butter or margarineMix all ingredients except butter. Pour into a greasedbaking dish. Dot with butter. Bakeat 350 degrees for 1 hour, or until set to center.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend:Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful NewYork contractor, was standing on the deck of theStaten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent himinto the river.The following Sunday his widow, all dressed in black,was standing on the church steps after the funeral,receiving condolences, when an old friend of thecontractor came up."I'm sorry, Mary, for your loss," offered the friend."Did Mike leave you well fixed?""Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a halfmillion dollars.""Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't reador write.""Nor swim either," added the widow.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Parable Of The Spoons (ABeautiful Story) A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord oneday and said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heavenand Hell are like. "The Lord led the holy man to twodoors. He opened one of the doors and the holy manlooked in. In the middle of the room was a large roundtable. In the middle of the table was a large pot ofstew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man'smouth water.The people sitting around the table were thin andsickly. They appeared to be famished. They wereholding spoons with very long handles and each foundit possible to reach into the pot of stew and take aspoonful, but because the handle was longer than theirarms, they could not get the spoons back into theirmouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of theirmisery and suffering. The Lord said, "You have seenHell."They went to the next room and opened the door. It wasexactly the same as the first one. There was the largeround table with the large pot of stew, which made theholy man's mouth water. The people were equipped withthe same long-handled spoons, but here the people werewell nourished and plump, laughing and talking. Theholy man said, "I don't understand."It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but oneskill. You see, they have learned to feed eachother--- while the greedy think only of themselves."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aging with graceTo commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music". However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the entertainment of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she recited:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,Polident, Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,When the bones creak,When the knees go badI simply remember my favorite things,And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,' Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,When the eyes grow dim,Then I remember the great life I've had,And then I don't feel so bad.
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses formy wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches onthe bouquet, a young man burst through the door,breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses."I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our lastbunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "MayI please have those roses?""What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your weddinganniversary?""It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed mywife's hard drive!"Received from Jokes Central.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Empty Nest Craft
I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials. I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then I set it on the couch to see how it looked.
Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a surprise visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold." - Maurice Setter
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stupid Excuses
German police caught a man playing the flute with both hands as he sped through traffic at 80 miles per hour on a busy highway, Wednesday.
"He was leaning back in the seat and steering the car with his knees and feet," said Bohnert Herzl a police spokes- person. "He looked like he'd had practice."
When caught, the 52-year-old told police he was not actually blowing the instrument. He was just practicing the "holding technique."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Atkins Had it Right - Ban Bread!
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, with complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage
5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Another one for the holidays -- Florida Corn PuddingWendy, Washington2 c. frozen whole kernel corn1 egg, slightly beaten1 tbsp. sugar1/2 tsp. salt1 tbsp. corn starch1 c. milk1 tbsp. butter or margarineMix all ingredients except butter. Pour into a greasedbaking dish. Dot with butter. Bakeat 350 degrees for 1 hour, or until set to center.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a friend:Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful NewYork contractor, was standing on the deck of theStaten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent himinto the river.The following Sunday his widow, all dressed in black,was standing on the church steps after the funeral,receiving condolences, when an old friend of thecontractor came up."I'm sorry, Mary, for your loss," offered the friend."Did Mike leave you well fixed?""Oh, he did!" she said. "He left me almost a halfmillion dollars.""Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't reador write.""Nor swim either," added the widow.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Parable Of The Spoons (ABeautiful Story) A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord oneday and said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heavenand Hell are like. "The Lord led the holy man to twodoors. He opened one of the doors and the holy manlooked in. In the middle of the room was a large roundtable. In the middle of the table was a large pot ofstew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man'smouth water.The people sitting around the table were thin andsickly. They appeared to be famished. They wereholding spoons with very long handles and each foundit possible to reach into the pot of stew and take aspoonful, but because the handle was longer than theirarms, they could not get the spoons back into theirmouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of theirmisery and suffering. The Lord said, "You have seenHell."They went to the next room and opened the door. It wasexactly the same as the first one. There was the largeround table with the large pot of stew, which made theholy man's mouth water. The people were equipped withthe same long-handled spoons, but here the people werewell nourished and plump, laughing and talking. Theholy man said, "I don't understand."It is simple" said the Lord, "it requires but oneskill. You see, they have learned to feed eachother--- while the greedy think only of themselves."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aging with graceTo commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music". However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the entertainment of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she recited:
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,Bundles of magazines tied up in string, These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,Polident, Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,When the bones creak,When the knees go badI simply remember my favorite things,And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions, Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring, These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin,' Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin', And we won't mention our short shrunken frames, When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,When the eyes grow dim,Then I remember the great life I've had,And then I don't feel so bad.
Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reasons I'd like to thank Wal-Mart, Kmart, Target, and mylocal grocer for having twenty-five checkout lanes and onlythree open at any given time:Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from goingcompletely idle -- there's so much to learn!Did you know they now sell primed faux wood moldings for thehome? I hate to prime. I don't mind striking upconversations with perfect strangers though. One lady toldme which DMV office had the shortest wait and officers whoactually smile. Another trapped customer gave me hergreat-grandmother's secret pickling recipe.I also learned to be grateful I don't live next door to thesnot-nosed whiny child hanging upside down from the shoppingcart in front of me; how many calories are in a Tic Tac;items once marketed as "Only available through thisexclusive TV offer!" eventually make it to the store in abox marked, "As seen on TV"; and that Oprah was abducted byaliens who also share an affinity for jersey sheets andprivate chefs. Which reminds me of other reasons I don'tmind waiting in long checkout lines:I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get thethirteen things on my list I forgot.I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch upon all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law,and Auntie Babe.I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drivehome.I can assess what other people have in their carts and getexciting new dinner ideas.I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plentyof drying time.I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in thewe-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of mypurse.I can clean out my purse and leave the trash in thewe-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my car.I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspectingfellow customers.I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do thoseisometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in lineis supposed to know you're doing.I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb,zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted intime for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on thedriveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.I can scribble notes for next week's column on the box ofsugar bomb cereal -- maybe something about the merits ofgrocery delivery.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A bunch of pastor were sitting around the office playing poker. "I win!" said Johnson, at which point Henderson threw down his cards.
"That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!"
"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.
"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Golf Hole
A young minister and Mr. Sims, an elderly parishioner, were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him quite badly.
At the end of the game, the Mr. Sims tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me."
"Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Don't wear your glasses on a blind date - you'll look better, and your date will too."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Bird Brother
Said mother tern to baby, "as you have been so good, would you like a brother?"
Said baby tern to mother, "Oh Yes! One good tern, deserves another."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Think A Moment..."Some Minds are like concrete------- Thoroughly mixedup, and permanently set."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boat NameMy friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway."I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted.When her husband went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
World's Thinnest Books ~~@~~ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques ChiracHOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS DETROIT: a Travel Guide A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTEby Mike Tyson SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson Bridge Travel by Ted Kennedy And the world's Number One Thinnest Book .. MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clintonwith introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
Reasons I'd like to thank Wal-Mart, Kmart, Target, and mylocal grocer for having twenty-five checkout lanes and onlythree open at any given time:Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from goingcompletely idle -- there's so much to learn!Did you know they now sell primed faux wood moldings for thehome? I hate to prime. I don't mind striking upconversations with perfect strangers though. One lady toldme which DMV office had the shortest wait and officers whoactually smile. Another trapped customer gave me hergreat-grandmother's secret pickling recipe.I also learned to be grateful I don't live next door to thesnot-nosed whiny child hanging upside down from the shoppingcart in front of me; how many calories are in a Tic Tac;items once marketed as "Only available through thisexclusive TV offer!" eventually make it to the store in abox marked, "As seen on TV"; and that Oprah was abducted byaliens who also share an affinity for jersey sheets andprivate chefs. Which reminds me of other reasons I don'tmind waiting in long checkout lines:I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get thethirteen things on my list I forgot.I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch upon all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law,and Auntie Babe.I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drivehome.I can assess what other people have in their carts and getexciting new dinner ideas.I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plentyof drying time.I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in thewe-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of mypurse.I can clean out my purse and leave the trash in thewe-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my car.I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspectingfellow customers.I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do thoseisometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in lineis supposed to know you're doing.I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb,zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted intime for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on thedriveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.I can scribble notes for next week's column on the box ofsugar bomb cereal -- maybe something about the merits ofgrocery delivery.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A bunch of pastor were sitting around the office playing poker. "I win!" said Johnson, at which point Henderson threw down his cards.
"That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!"
"How can you tell?" Phillips asked.
"Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Golf Hole
A young minister and Mr. Sims, an elderly parishioner, were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him quite badly.
At the end of the game, the Mr. Sims tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me."
"Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Don't wear your glasses on a blind date - you'll look better, and your date will too."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Bird Brother
Said mother tern to baby, "as you have been so good, would you like a brother?"
Said baby tern to mother, "Oh Yes! One good tern, deserves another."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Think A Moment..."Some Minds are like concrete------- Thoroughly mixedup, and permanently set."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boat NameMy friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway."I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted.When her husband went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
World's Thinnest Books ~~@~~ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques ChiracHOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE by John Denver MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS DETROIT: a Travel Guide A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTEby Mike Tyson SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson Bridge Travel by Ted Kennedy And the world's Number One Thinnest Book .. MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clintonwith introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
Monday, November 14, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 14th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Church Visit
My grandson, Justin, returned from his first time in church and was asked how it went.
He said, "The music was nice, but the commercial was too long."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is a recipe from a free e-cookbook, downloaded tomy computer, called Copycat. The theme is cooking athome the foods you get at fast food places and etc.McDonald's Hamburgers1 pound ground chuck (80% lean)10 hamburger buns (local grocery type)10 hamburger dill slices (more or less to taste)10 teaspoons dried, chopped (not minced) onionsMustardKetchupSalt, Pepper, and MSGDivide 1 lb of beef into 10 equal sized balls. Form apatty out of each ball about 4 inches in diameter and1/4 inch thick. Do this on waxed paper. Now freeze thepatties for at least an hour (this keeps them fromfalling apart when grilled). Combine dried onions withwater in a small container. Add enough water so theonions can hydrate (You can't add too much, just besure to drain well before using).Preheat a griddle or skillet to medium−high. Inthe meantime, toast the hamburger buns until justgolden.Lay the frozen patties on the hot surface. After about20 seconds, "sear" them by applying even pressure withthe back of a metal spatula; do this only for about 2seconds. After searing them, sprinkle generously withsalt, pepper, and MSG to taste. After about one minutesince searing the patties, turn them over. Careful,don't tear the side you seared. Add about a teaspoonof your prepared onions on top. Quickly dress yourbuns. On the crown part of buns (top), Mustardfirst....five "kisses" the diameter of a pencil evenlyspaced in a circle about a half inch from the edge.Then the Ketchup, five squirts the size of a nickle..in the pattern found on dice. Place the pickle in themiddle. By the time you finish that, the meat will bedone (about 1 minute or 1:10 after turning). Removethe meat and tilt to the side to allow excess fat todrain off. Use your free hand to hold down the onions.Place patties onion side up on the dressed crown, topwith toasted heels (the burger will beupside−down). Flip upright and serve.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: PROCRASTINATIONI looked upon a farm one dayThat once I used to own;The barn had fallen to the groundThe fields were overgrown.The house in which my children grewWhere we had lived for years--I turned to see it broken downAnd brushed aside the tears.I looked upon my soul one dayTo find it too had grownWith thorns and nettles everywhereThe seeds neglect had sown.The years had passed while I had caredFor things of lesser worth:The things of heaven I let goWhen minding things of Earth.To Christ I turned with bitter tearsAnd cried, "O, Lord, forgive!I haven't much time left for TheeNot many years to live."The wasted years forever goneThe days I can't recall;If I could live those days againI'd make Him Lord of all.-- anonymous -- If you know who wrote these lines,please email me the name. Thanks. Tim
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- (I Love This One - ts) Mommy, LookAt This! As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-olddaughter was having a wonderful time playing on thebed. At one point, she said, "Mommy, look at this,"and stuck out two of her fingers.Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out andstuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonnaeat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before Irushed out of the room again.When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bedstaring at her fingers with a devastated look on herface.I said, "What's wrong honey?""Mommy, where's my booger?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: I've been teaching now for about fifteenyears. I have two kids myself, but the best birthstory I know is the one I saw in my own second-gradeclassroom a few years back.When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I alwayshave a few sessions with my students. It helps themget over shyness, and usually show-and-tell is prettytame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And Inever, ever place any boundaries or limitations onthem. If they want to lug it to school and talk aboutit, they're welcome.Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up tothe front of the class with a pillow stuffed under hersweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "Thisis Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell youabout his birthday."First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of theirlove, and then Dad put a seed in Mom's stomach, andLuke grew in there. He ate for nine months through anumbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, andI'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorderwith me. The kids are watching her in amazement."Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mom starts sayingand going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind herback and groans. "She walked around the house for likean hour. 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kid's doing thishysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning."My dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,but she doesn't have a sign on the car like theDomino's man."They got my mom to lie down in bed like this." ThenErica lies down with her back against the wall. "Andthen, pop! My mom had this bag of water she kept inthere in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up andspilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kidhas her legs spread and with her little hands aremiming water flowing away. It was too much!"Then the middle wife starts saying, 'push, push' and'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but nevereven got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes mybrother. He was covered in yucky stuff; they all saidwas from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot ofstuff inside there."Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow, andreturned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded theloudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, Ibring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comesalong.
Church Visit
My grandson, Justin, returned from his first time in church and was asked how it went.
He said, "The music was nice, but the commercial was too long."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is a recipe from a free e-cookbook, downloaded tomy computer, called Copycat. The theme is cooking athome the foods you get at fast food places and etc.McDonald's Hamburgers1 pound ground chuck (80% lean)10 hamburger buns (local grocery type)10 hamburger dill slices (more or less to taste)10 teaspoons dried, chopped (not minced) onionsMustardKetchupSalt, Pepper, and MSGDivide 1 lb of beef into 10 equal sized balls. Form apatty out of each ball about 4 inches in diameter and1/4 inch thick. Do this on waxed paper. Now freeze thepatties for at least an hour (this keeps them fromfalling apart when grilled). Combine dried onions withwater in a small container. Add enough water so theonions can hydrate (You can't add too much, just besure to drain well before using).Preheat a griddle or skillet to medium−high. Inthe meantime, toast the hamburger buns until justgolden.Lay the frozen patties on the hot surface. After about20 seconds, "sear" them by applying even pressure withthe back of a metal spatula; do this only for about 2seconds. After searing them, sprinkle generously withsalt, pepper, and MSG to taste. After about one minutesince searing the patties, turn them over. Careful,don't tear the side you seared. Add about a teaspoonof your prepared onions on top. Quickly dress yourbuns. On the crown part of buns (top), Mustardfirst....five "kisses" the diameter of a pencil evenlyspaced in a circle about a half inch from the edge.Then the Ketchup, five squirts the size of a nickle..in the pattern found on dice. Place the pickle in themiddle. By the time you finish that, the meat will bedone (about 1 minute or 1:10 after turning). Removethe meat and tilt to the side to allow excess fat todrain off. Use your free hand to hold down the onions.Place patties onion side up on the dressed crown, topwith toasted heels (the burger will beupside−down). Flip upright and serve.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: PROCRASTINATIONI looked upon a farm one dayThat once I used to own;The barn had fallen to the groundThe fields were overgrown.The house in which my children grewWhere we had lived for years--I turned to see it broken downAnd brushed aside the tears.I looked upon my soul one dayTo find it too had grownWith thorns and nettles everywhereThe seeds neglect had sown.The years had passed while I had caredFor things of lesser worth:The things of heaven I let goWhen minding things of Earth.To Christ I turned with bitter tearsAnd cried, "O, Lord, forgive!I haven't much time left for TheeNot many years to live."The wasted years forever goneThe days I can't recall;If I could live those days againI'd make Him Lord of all.-- anonymous -- If you know who wrote these lines,please email me the name. Thanks. Tim
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- (I Love This One - ts) Mommy, LookAt This! As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-olddaughter was having a wonderful time playing on thebed. At one point, she said, "Mommy, look at this,"and stuck out two of her fingers.Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out andstuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonnaeat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before Irushed out of the room again.When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bedstaring at her fingers with a devastated look on herface.I said, "What's wrong honey?""Mommy, where's my booger?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: I've been teaching now for about fifteenyears. I have two kids myself, but the best birthstory I know is the one I saw in my own second-gradeclassroom a few years back.When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I alwayshave a few sessions with my students. It helps themget over shyness, and usually show-and-tell is prettytame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And Inever, ever place any boundaries or limitations onthem. If they want to lug it to school and talk aboutit, they're welcome.Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up tothe front of the class with a pillow stuffed under hersweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "Thisis Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell youabout his birthday."First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of theirlove, and then Dad put a seed in Mom's stomach, andLuke grew in there. He ate for nine months through anumbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, andI'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorderwith me. The kids are watching her in amazement."Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mom starts sayingand going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind herback and groans. "She walked around the house for likean hour. 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kid's doing thishysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning."My dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,but she doesn't have a sign on the car like theDomino's man."They got my mom to lie down in bed like this." ThenErica lies down with her back against the wall. "Andthen, pop! My mom had this bag of water she kept inthere in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up andspilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kidhas her legs spread and with her little hands aremiming water flowing away. It was too much!"Then the middle wife starts saying, 'push, push' and'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but nevereven got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes mybrother. He was covered in yucky stuff; they all saidwas from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot ofstuff inside there."Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow, andreturned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded theloudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, Ibring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comesalong.
hUMOR For Nov. 14th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Church Visit
My grandson, Justin, returned from his first time in church and was asked how it went.
He said, "The music was nice, but the commercial was too long."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is a recipe from a free e-cookbook, downloaded tomy computer, called Copycat. The theme is cooking athome the foods you get at fast food places and etc.McDonald's Hamburgers1 pound ground chuck (80% lean)10 hamburger buns (local grocery type)10 hamburger dill slices (more or less to taste)10 teaspoons dried, chopped (not minced) onionsMustardKetchupSalt, Pepper, and MSGDivide 1 lb of beef into 10 equal sized balls. Form apatty out of each ball about 4 inches in diameter and1/4 inch thick. Do this on waxed paper. Now freeze thepatties for at least an hour (this keeps them fromfalling apart when grilled). Combine dried onions withwater in a small container. Add enough water so theonions can hydrate (You can't add too much, just besure to drain well before using).Preheat a griddle or skillet to medium−high. Inthe meantime, toast the hamburger buns until justgolden.Lay the frozen patties on the hot surface. After about20 seconds, "sear" them by applying even pressure withthe back of a metal spatula; do this only for about 2seconds. After searing them, sprinkle generously withsalt, pepper, and MSG to taste. After about one minutesince searing the patties, turn them over. Careful,don't tear the side you seared. Add about a teaspoonof your prepared onions on top. Quickly dress yourbuns. On the crown part of buns (top), Mustardfirst....five "kisses" the diameter of a pencil evenlyspaced in a circle about a half inch from the edge.Then the Ketchup, five squirts the size of a nickle..in the pattern found on dice. Place the pickle in themiddle. By the time you finish that, the meat will bedone (about 1 minute or 1:10 after turning). Removethe meat and tilt to the side to allow excess fat todrain off. Use your free hand to hold down the onions.Place patties onion side up on the dressed crown, topwith toasted heels (the burger will beupside−down). Flip upright and serve.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to WS: PROCRASTINATIONI looked upon a farm one dayThat once I used to own;The barn had fallen to the groundThe fields were overgrown.The house in which my children grewWhere we had lived for years--I turned to see it broken downAnd brushed aside the tears.I looked upon my soul one dayTo find it too had grownWith thorns and nettles everywhereThe seeds neglect had sown.The years had passed while I had caredFor things of lesser worth:The things of heaven I let goWhen minding things of Earth.To Christ I turned with bitter tearsAnd cried, "O, Lord, forgive!I haven't much time left for TheeNot many years to live."The wasted years forever goneThe days I can't recall;If I could live those days againI'd make Him Lord of all.-- anonymous -- If you know who wrote these lines,please email me the name. Thanks. Tim
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Marti -- (I Love This One - ts) Mommy, LookAt This! As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-olddaughter was having a wonderful time playing on thebed. At one point, she said, "Mommy, look at this,"and stuck out two of her fingers.Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out andstuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonnaeat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before Irushed out of the room again.When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bedstaring at her fingers with a devastated look on herface.I said, "What's wrong honey?""Mommy, where's my booger?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: I've been teaching now for about fifteenyears. I have two kids myself, but the best birthstory I know is the one I saw in my own second-gradeclassroom a few years back.When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I alwayshave a few sessions with my students. It helps themget over shyness, and usually show-and-tell is prettytame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And Inever, ever place any boundaries or limitations onthem. If they want to lug it to school and talk aboutit, they're welcome.Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up tothe front of the class with a pillow stuffed under hersweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "Thisis Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell youabout his birthday."First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of theirlove, and then Dad put a seed in Mom's stomach, andLuke grew in there. He ate for nine months through anumbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, andI'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorderwith me. The kids are watching her in amazement."Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mom starts sayingand going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind herback and groans. "She walked around the house for likean hour. 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kid's doing thishysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning."My dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,but she doesn't have a sign on the car like theDomino's man."They got my mom to lie down in bed like this." ThenErica lies down with her back against the wall. "Andthen, pop! My mom had this bag of water she kept inthere in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up andspilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kidhas her legs spread and with her little hands aremiming water flowing away. It was too much!"Then the middle wife starts saying, 'push, push' and'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but nevereven got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes mybrother. He was covered in yucky stuff; they all saidwas from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot ofstuff inside there."Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow, andreturned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded theloudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, Ibring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comesalong.
Church Visit
My grandson, Justin, returned from his first time in church and was asked how it went.
He said, "The music was nice, but the commercial was too long."
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Here is a recipe from a free e-cookbook, downloaded tomy computer, called Copycat. The theme is cooking athome the foods you get at fast food places and etc.McDonald's Hamburgers1 pound ground chuck (80% lean)10 hamburger buns (local grocery type)10 hamburger dill slices (more or less to taste)10 teaspoons dried, chopped (not minced) onionsMustardKetchupSalt, Pepper, and MSGDivide 1 lb of beef into 10 equal sized balls. Form apatty out of each ball about 4 inches in diameter and1/4 inch thick. Do this on waxed paper. Now freeze thepatties for at least an hour (this keeps them fromfalling apart when grilled). Combine dried onions withwater in a small container. Add enough water so theonions can hydrate (You can't add too much, just besure to drain well before using).Preheat a griddle or skillet to medium−high. Inthe meantime, toast the hamburger buns until justgolden.Lay the frozen patties on the hot surface. After about20 seconds, "sear" them by applying even pressure withthe back of a metal spatula; do this only for about 2seconds. After searing them, sprinkle generously withsalt, pepper, and MSG to taste. After about one minutesince searing the patties, turn them over. Careful,don't tear the side you seared. Add about a teaspoonof your prepared onions on top. Quickly dress yourbuns. On the crown part of buns (top), Mustardfirst....five "kisses" the diameter of a pencil evenlyspaced in a circle about a half inch from the edge.Then the Ketchup, five squirts the size of a nickle..in the pattern found on dice. Place the pickle in themiddle. By the time you finish that, the meat will bedone (about 1 minute or 1:10 after turning). Removethe meat and tilt to the side to allow excess fat todrain off. Use your free hand to hold down the onions.Place patties onion side up on the dressed crown, topwith toasted heels (the burger will beupside−down). Flip upright and serve.
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Thanks to WS: PROCRASTINATIONI looked upon a farm one dayThat once I used to own;The barn had fallen to the groundThe fields were overgrown.The house in which my children grewWhere we had lived for years--I turned to see it broken downAnd brushed aside the tears.I looked upon my soul one dayTo find it too had grownWith thorns and nettles everywhereThe seeds neglect had sown.The years had passed while I had caredFor things of lesser worth:The things of heaven I let goWhen minding things of Earth.To Christ I turned with bitter tearsAnd cried, "O, Lord, forgive!I haven't much time left for TheeNot many years to live."The wasted years forever goneThe days I can't recall;If I could live those days againI'd make Him Lord of all.-- anonymous -- If you know who wrote these lines,please email me the name. Thanks. Tim
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Thanks to Marti -- (I Love This One - ts) Mommy, LookAt This! As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-olddaughter was having a wonderful time playing on thebed. At one point, she said, "Mommy, look at this,"and stuck out two of her fingers.Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out andstuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonnaeat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before Irushed out of the room again.When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bedstaring at her fingers with a devastated look on herface.I said, "What's wrong honey?""Mommy, where's my booger?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From GCFL: I've been teaching now for about fifteenyears. I have two kids myself, but the best birthstory I know is the one I saw in my own second-gradeclassroom a few years back.When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I alwayshave a few sessions with my students. It helps themget over shyness, and usually show-and-tell is prettytame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And Inever, ever place any boundaries or limitations onthem. If they want to lug it to school and talk aboutit, they're welcome.Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up tothe front of the class with a pillow stuffed under hersweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "Thisis Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell youabout his birthday."First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of theirlove, and then Dad put a seed in Mom's stomach, andLuke grew in there. He ate for nine months through anumbrella cord." She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, andI'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorderwith me. The kids are watching her in amazement."Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mom starts sayingand going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind herback and groans. "She walked around the house for likean hour. 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now the kid's doing thishysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning."My dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,but she doesn't have a sign on the car like theDomino's man."They got my mom to lie down in bed like this." ThenErica lies down with her back against the wall. "Andthen, pop! My mom had this bag of water she kept inthere in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up andspilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kidhas her legs spread and with her little hands aremiming water flowing away. It was too much!"Then the middle wife starts saying, 'push, push' and'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but nevereven got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes mybrother. He was covered in yucky stuff; they all saidwas from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot ofstuff inside there."Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow, andreturned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded theloudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, Ibring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comesalong.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 13th
Hole-In-OneA foursome teed off on the long par-3. The green on this hole lay behind a large bunker, so any shot that made the green would disappear over the top ridge of bunker and you couldn't tell where your ball landed until you arrived on the green.After the last player hit his shot, the first golfer to hit charged off down the fairway, without waiting for the others. He disappeared over the bunker and seconds later came running back down the fairway yelling and screaming, "I got a hole-in-one! I don't believe it!""You've got to be kidding," said the others. "You run ahead of us down the fairway and disappear behind that bunker, and now, all of a sudden, you claim you have a hole-in-one. How stupid do you think we three are?""No, no. It's true. I swear it," he said crossing his heart. "Go look. I left it in the hole to prove it."
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A Bit of Useful Information -- REFRIGERATOR STORAGE GUIDEBEEF:Steaks, Roasts..........................3 to 5 daysGround Beef, Stew Meat, Heart,Liver, Brains, Tongue ..................1 to 2 daysVEAL:Chops, Roasts ..........................3 to 5 daysLiver (sliced), heart..................................1 to 2 daysPORK:Canadian Bacon..........................2 weeksChops, Spareribs .......................3 to 5 daysRoasts .................................3 to 5 daysPork Sausage............................1 to 2 daysLAMB:Chops...................................3 to 5 daysRoasts .................................3 to 5 daysGround ................................24 hoursPOULTRY:Chicken, Ducklings......................1 to 2 daysTurkey (ready to stuff -thawed or fresh)........................1 to 2 daysCooked Poultry .........................1 to 2 daysFRUITS AND VEGETABLES:Vegetables, salad greens (in crisper) ..3 to 5 daysBerries (uncovered) ....................2 daysCitrus fruits, apples...................7 daysFruit juices ...........................4 daysRoot Vegetables (in crisper), carrots,beets, radishes, turnips ...............1 to 2 weeksCooked Vegetables, Fruits (covered).....2 to 4 daysFISH:Fresh fish, shellfish..................24 hoursCooked Fish ............................1 to 2 daysEGGS:Eggs (in carton, covered dish or rack) .4 weeksEggs, hard cooked (in shells) ..........8 to 10 daysEgg Whites (in covered container) ......2 to 4 daysEgg Yolks (covered with water) .........4 daysCURED AND SMOKED MEATS:Hams, picnic, whole ....................7 daysHalf ...................................3 to 5 daysSlices .................................3 daysDried Beef ............................10 to 12 daysCorned Beef, Tongue, Bacon..............5 to 7 daysCOOKED MEATS:Roasts, Stew, etc. .....................1 to 2 daysAssorted Luncheon Meats ................3 to 5 daysMILK AND MILK PRODUCTSMilk, cream.............................3 daysEvaporated Milk (in opened can).........3 to 5 daysButter, Margarine (covered or wrapped)..2 weeksCottage Cheese (in closed container) ...3 to 5 daysYogurt .................................7 daysWhipping Cream..........................7 daysCommercial Sour Cream..................14 daysCustards, custard sauces,cream filled pies and cakes ............2 to 3 daysSoft Cheese (in closed container) ......2 weeksHard Cheese.............................3 to 6 months
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Thanks to CJ in PA: Teen Poverty in America I just spent several hours observing teenagershanging out at our local mall. I came to theconclusion many teenagers in America today are livingin poverty. Most young men I observed didn't even own a belt;there was not one among the whole group. But thatwasn't the sad part. Many were wearing their daddy'sjeans. Some jeans were so big and baggy they hung low ontheir hips, exposing their underwear.I know some must have been ashamed that their daddywas short, because his jeans hardly went below theirknees.They weren't even their daddies' good jeans, for mosthad holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look tothem.It grieved me, in a modern, affluent society likeAmerica, there are people who can't afford a decentpair of jeans.I was thinking about asking my church to start a jeansdrive for "poor kids at the mall." Then on ChristmasEve, I could go Christmas caroling and distributejeans to these poor teenagers.But here is the saddest part..... it was the girlsthey were hanging out with that disturbed me most.I never, in all of my life, seen such poverty-strickengirls.These girls had the opposite problem of the guys.They all had to wear their little sisters clothes.Their jeans were about 5 sizes too small! I don't knowhow they could put them on, let alone button them up.Their jeans barely went over their hipbones. Most alsohad on their little sister's top; it hardly coveredtheir midsections.Oh, they were trying to hold their heads up withpride, but it was a sad sight to see these almostgrown women wearing children's clothes.However, it was their underwear that bothered me most.They, like the boys, because of the improper fittingof their clothes, had their underwear exposed.I never saw anything like it.It looked like their underwear was only held togetherby a single piece of string.I know it saddens your heart to receive this report onthe condition of our American teenagers. While I go tobed every night with a closet full of clothes, nearbythere are millions of "mall girls" who barely haveenough material to keep it together.I think their "poorness" is why these 2 groups gatherat the mall - boys with their short daddies' rippedjeans, and girls wearing their younger sisters'clothes. The mall is one place where they can findacceptance.So, next time you are at the mall, doing yourshopping, and you pass by some of these poorteenagers, would you say a prayer for them?And one more thing ... Will you pray the guys' pantswon't fall down, and girls' strings won't break?I thank you all, Grandmaw and Grandpaw.
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Thanks to SUNSHINERONE28: When God Created The South!Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God wasmissing for six days. Eventually, Michael thearchangel found him, resting on the seventh day. Heinquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudlypointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael,look what I've made."Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What isit?""It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE onit. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be agreat place of balance.""Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth,"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of greatopportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is goingto be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hotspot and the Antarctica in the South will be verycold. Over there I've placed a continent of whitepeople and over there is a continent of black people."God continued, pointing to different countries. "Thisone will be extremely hot and arid while this one willbe very cold and covered in ice."The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointedto a large area and asked, "What's that one?""Ah," said God. "That's the SOUTH, the most gloriousplace on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes,rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The peoplefrom there are going to be modest, intelligent andhumorous and they're going to be found traveling theworld. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking andhigh-achieving, and they will be known throughout theworld as diplomats and carriers of peace. A trulygreat people."Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but thenproclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said therewill be BALANCE."God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loudmouthobnoxious people I'm putting north of them."
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A Bit of Useful Information -- REFRIGERATOR STORAGE GUIDEBEEF:Steaks, Roasts..........................3 to 5 daysGround Beef, Stew Meat, Heart,Liver, Brains, Tongue ..................1 to 2 daysVEAL:Chops, Roasts ..........................3 to 5 daysLiver (sliced), heart..................................1 to 2 daysPORK:Canadian Bacon..........................2 weeksChops, Spareribs .......................3 to 5 daysRoasts .................................3 to 5 daysPork Sausage............................1 to 2 daysLAMB:Chops...................................3 to 5 daysRoasts .................................3 to 5 daysGround ................................24 hoursPOULTRY:Chicken, Ducklings......................1 to 2 daysTurkey (ready to stuff -thawed or fresh)........................1 to 2 daysCooked Poultry .........................1 to 2 daysFRUITS AND VEGETABLES:Vegetables, salad greens (in crisper) ..3 to 5 daysBerries (uncovered) ....................2 daysCitrus fruits, apples...................7 daysFruit juices ...........................4 daysRoot Vegetables (in crisper), carrots,beets, radishes, turnips ...............1 to 2 weeksCooked Vegetables, Fruits (covered).....2 to 4 daysFISH:Fresh fish, shellfish..................24 hoursCooked Fish ............................1 to 2 daysEGGS:Eggs (in carton, covered dish or rack) .4 weeksEggs, hard cooked (in shells) ..........8 to 10 daysEgg Whites (in covered container) ......2 to 4 daysEgg Yolks (covered with water) .........4 daysCURED AND SMOKED MEATS:Hams, picnic, whole ....................7 daysHalf ...................................3 to 5 daysSlices .................................3 daysDried Beef ............................10 to 12 daysCorned Beef, Tongue, Bacon..............5 to 7 daysCOOKED MEATS:Roasts, Stew, etc. .....................1 to 2 daysAssorted Luncheon Meats ................3 to 5 daysMILK AND MILK PRODUCTSMilk, cream.............................3 daysEvaporated Milk (in opened can).........3 to 5 daysButter, Margarine (covered or wrapped)..2 weeksCottage Cheese (in closed container) ...3 to 5 daysYogurt .................................7 daysWhipping Cream..........................7 daysCommercial Sour Cream..................14 daysCustards, custard sauces,cream filled pies and cakes ............2 to 3 daysSoft Cheese (in closed container) ......2 weeksHard Cheese.............................3 to 6 months
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Thanks to CJ in PA: Teen Poverty in America I just spent several hours observing teenagershanging out at our local mall. I came to theconclusion many teenagers in America today are livingin poverty. Most young men I observed didn't even own a belt;there was not one among the whole group. But thatwasn't the sad part. Many were wearing their daddy'sjeans. Some jeans were so big and baggy they hung low ontheir hips, exposing their underwear.I know some must have been ashamed that their daddywas short, because his jeans hardly went below theirknees.They weren't even their daddies' good jeans, for mosthad holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look tothem.It grieved me, in a modern, affluent society likeAmerica, there are people who can't afford a decentpair of jeans.I was thinking about asking my church to start a jeansdrive for "poor kids at the mall." Then on ChristmasEve, I could go Christmas caroling and distributejeans to these poor teenagers.But here is the saddest part..... it was the girlsthey were hanging out with that disturbed me most.I never, in all of my life, seen such poverty-strickengirls.These girls had the opposite problem of the guys.They all had to wear their little sisters clothes.Their jeans were about 5 sizes too small! I don't knowhow they could put them on, let alone button them up.Their jeans barely went over their hipbones. Most alsohad on their little sister's top; it hardly coveredtheir midsections.Oh, they were trying to hold their heads up withpride, but it was a sad sight to see these almostgrown women wearing children's clothes.However, it was their underwear that bothered me most.They, like the boys, because of the improper fittingof their clothes, had their underwear exposed.I never saw anything like it.It looked like their underwear was only held togetherby a single piece of string.I know it saddens your heart to receive this report onthe condition of our American teenagers. While I go tobed every night with a closet full of clothes, nearbythere are millions of "mall girls" who barely haveenough material to keep it together.I think their "poorness" is why these 2 groups gatherat the mall - boys with their short daddies' rippedjeans, and girls wearing their younger sisters'clothes. The mall is one place where they can findacceptance.So, next time you are at the mall, doing yourshopping, and you pass by some of these poorteenagers, would you say a prayer for them?And one more thing ... Will you pray the guys' pantswon't fall down, and girls' strings won't break?I thank you all, Grandmaw and Grandpaw.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to SUNSHINERONE28: When God Created The South!Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God wasmissing for six days. Eventually, Michael thearchangel found him, resting on the seventh day. Heinquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudlypointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael,look what I've made."Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What isit?""It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE onit. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be agreat place of balance.""Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth,"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of greatopportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is goingto be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hotspot and the Antarctica in the South will be verycold. Over there I've placed a continent of whitepeople and over there is a continent of black people."God continued, pointing to different countries. "Thisone will be extremely hot and arid while this one willbe very cold and covered in ice."The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointedto a large area and asked, "What's that one?""Ah," said God. "That's the SOUTH, the most gloriousplace on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes,rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The peoplefrom there are going to be modest, intelligent andhumorous and they're going to be found traveling theworld. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking andhigh-achieving, and they will be known throughout theworld as diplomats and carriers of peace. A trulygreat people."Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but thenproclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said therewill be BALANCE."God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loudmouthobnoxious people I'm putting north of them."
Saturday, November 12, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 12th
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* For every complex problem there is an answer that isclear, simple, and wrong. (H L Mencken)* Every decision you make is a mistake. (Edward Dahlberg)* Our business in life is not to succeed, but to continue tofail in good spirits. (Robert Louis Stephenson)* Only one thing is certain - that is, nothing is certain.If this statement is true, it is also false. (AncientParadox)* Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over ifyou just sit there. (Will Rogers)* There is nothing more requisite in business than dispatch.(Joseph Addison)* There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.(Goethe)* A moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's experience.(Oliver Wendell Holmes)* Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probablythe reason why so few engage in it. (Henry Ford)* If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn'tthinking. (George Patton)* Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admiretheir astuteness. (Cullen Hightower)* Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory.Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat. (SunTzu)* Planning without action is futile; action without planningis fatal. (Unknown)* The general who wins the battle makes many calculations inhis temple before the battle is fought. The general wholoses makes but few calculations beforehand. (Sun Tzu)* Confidence is what you feel before you comprehend thesituation. (Proverb)* A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than anyinvention in human history - with the possible exceptions ofhandguns and tequila. (Mitch Ratliffe)
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Marrying Young
My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"I was having dinner with world chess champion Garry Kasparov - Our table had a check tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass me the salt."
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Racetrack
A racetrack is a place where the windows clean the people.
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Here is a recipe for the pizza lovers among us -- CHEESE PIZZA1 can (8 ounces) tomato 1 cup shredded Mozzarellasauce cheese1/4 cup chopped onion 1/2 cup sliced stuffed olives1 teaspoon garlic salt 1 can (6 ounces)1/2 teaspoon oregano mushrooms12-inch pizza crust, 1/2 cup grated Parmesanunbaked cheeseCombine tomato sauce, onion, garlic salt and oregano.Spread over unbaked pizza crust. Cover sauce withMozzarella. Sprinkle olives and mushrooms over top;cover with Parmesan. Bake in 425° F. oven for 20 to 30minutes or until crust is light brown and cheeses aremelted. Yield: 6 servings.Variations: Add pickled banana peppers, brownedItaliansausage, salami bits or thin slices of pepperoni.
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If you get an itch To learn dermatology You must start from scratch (Gary Hallock)
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A hapless young man from Kilbryde Fell into an outhouse and died His heartbroken brother Fell into another And now they're interred side by side.
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Thanks to MAK: There is chaos all around, but youknow Me, says the Lord. And, you trust in Me. Glorious light emanates from your celebration, and thepeoples of the world will see and be drawn to yourlight. You, My people, will go forth without fear oranxiety. You will rejoice in the goodness of the Lordbecause you know in Whom you have believed. Throughthis journey you have been persuaded that you cantrust Me and have committed all things to Me.
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"Here's a poem about underwater transportation,"announced Tom, subversively."A bicycle wheel and wagon wheel have something incommon," spoke Tom.The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get theTen Commandments.
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Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke ordrink. (Allen Morris)
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If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does MyMailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
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Thanks to MAK: One Room to Another"Death is no more than passing from one room intoanother. But there's a difference for me, you know.Because in that other room I shall be able to see."~Helen Keller~ (both blind and deaf from an infant)Mary Alice
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Thanks to LBS: Jim & EdnaJim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.One day while they were walking past the hospitalswimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to thebottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head NurseDirector became aware of Edna's heroic act sheimmediately ordered her to be discharged from thehospital, as she now considered her to be mentallystable. When she went to tell Edna the news shesaid,"Edna,I have good news and bad news.The good newsis you're being discharged; since you were able torationally respond to a crisis by jumping in andsaving the life of another patient, I have concludedthat your act displays sound mindedness. "The badnews is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself inthe bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after yousaved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Ednareplied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there todry. How soon can I go home?"ssrdo
* For every complex problem there is an answer that isclear, simple, and wrong. (H L Mencken)* Every decision you make is a mistake. (Edward Dahlberg)* Our business in life is not to succeed, but to continue tofail in good spirits. (Robert Louis Stephenson)* Only one thing is certain - that is, nothing is certain.If this statement is true, it is also false. (AncientParadox)* Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over ifyou just sit there. (Will Rogers)* There is nothing more requisite in business than dispatch.(Joseph Addison)* There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.(Goethe)* A moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's experience.(Oliver Wendell Holmes)* Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probablythe reason why so few engage in it. (Henry Ford)* If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn'tthinking. (George Patton)* Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admiretheir astuteness. (Cullen Hightower)* Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory.Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat. (SunTzu)* Planning without action is futile; action without planningis fatal. (Unknown)* The general who wins the battle makes many calculations inhis temple before the battle is fought. The general wholoses makes but few calculations beforehand. (Sun Tzu)* Confidence is what you feel before you comprehend thesituation. (Proverb)* A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than anyinvention in human history - with the possible exceptions ofhandguns and tequila. (Mitch Ratliffe)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Marrying Young
My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"I was having dinner with world chess champion Garry Kasparov - Our table had a check tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass me the salt."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Racetrack
A racetrack is a place where the windows clean the people.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is a recipe for the pizza lovers among us -- CHEESE PIZZA1 can (8 ounces) tomato 1 cup shredded Mozzarellasauce cheese1/4 cup chopped onion 1/2 cup sliced stuffed olives1 teaspoon garlic salt 1 can (6 ounces)1/2 teaspoon oregano mushrooms12-inch pizza crust, 1/2 cup grated Parmesanunbaked cheeseCombine tomato sauce, onion, garlic salt and oregano.Spread over unbaked pizza crust. Cover sauce withMozzarella. Sprinkle olives and mushrooms over top;cover with Parmesan. Bake in 425° F. oven for 20 to 30minutes or until crust is light brown and cheeses aremelted. Yield: 6 servings.Variations: Add pickled banana peppers, brownedItaliansausage, salami bits or thin slices of pepperoni.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you get an itch To learn dermatology You must start from scratch (Gary Hallock)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A hapless young man from Kilbryde Fell into an outhouse and died His heartbroken brother Fell into another And now they're interred side by side.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to MAK: There is chaos all around, but youknow Me, says the Lord. And, you trust in Me. Glorious light emanates from your celebration, and thepeoples of the world will see and be drawn to yourlight. You, My people, will go forth without fear oranxiety. You will rejoice in the goodness of the Lordbecause you know in Whom you have believed. Throughthis journey you have been persuaded that you cantrust Me and have committed all things to Me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Here's a poem about underwater transportation,"announced Tom, subversively."A bicycle wheel and wagon wheel have something incommon," spoke Tom.The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get theTen Commandments.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke ordrink. (Allen Morris)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does MyMailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to MAK: One Room to Another"Death is no more than passing from one room intoanother. But there's a difference for me, you know.Because in that other room I shall be able to see."~Helen Keller~ (both blind and deaf from an infant)Mary Alice
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Jim & EdnaJim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.One day while they were walking past the hospitalswimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to thebottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head NurseDirector became aware of Edna's heroic act sheimmediately ordered her to be discharged from thehospital, as she now considered her to be mentallystable. When she went to tell Edna the news shesaid,"Edna,I have good news and bad news.The good newsis you're being discharged; since you were able torationally respond to a crisis by jumping in andsaving the life of another patient, I have concludedthat your act displays sound mindedness. "The badnews is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself inthe bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after yousaved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Ednareplied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there todry. How soon can I go home?"ssrdo
Friday, November 11, 2005
hUMOR For Nov. 11th
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SawmillTwo men were working at the sawmill and one guy got too close to the saw and cut his ear off. It fell in the sawdust pit so he jumped down into the pit and was hunting around trying to find it. The second guy saw him and hollered down, "What're you doing?" The first man said that he had cut off his ear and was looking for it. The second guy said, "I'll help you" and jumped in the pit. He was searching around on his hands and knees and then hollered, "I found it!" The first guy took it and examined it closely, then said, "Keep looking. Mine had a pencil behind it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk aroundthe local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone, he said,"There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars,but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and ifanyone has gone to heaven, he has."They walked on a bit farther and then came to another grave.The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there'sa different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars,and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyonehas gone to hell, he has."The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know,Grandpa, you are very lucky.""Why?" asked the old man in surprise."Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money todraw on."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ball Markers
A Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says, "Yes, they are just $1.00 each. "
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar and says he'll take one.
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in the tray and with a big smile hands the guy a quarter.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room." - Winston Churchill
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Wedding Verses
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."
The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18":
"For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend:1.If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send yourbid by FedEx.2.If your computer says "Printer out of paper", thisproblem cannot be solved by clicking the "OK" button.3.If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work,you need to hook it up to the water source. Airdoesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.4.No matter how much data you add to your laptopcomputer, it will not get any heavier.5.A bad place to store your emergency backup disketteis on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by alarge magnet.6.It's OK to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.7.When the PC says "Insert Diskette #2" don't do itimmediately. Remove Diskette #1 first, even if you'resure you can make them both fit in there.8.When your PC says "You have mail", don't go to thecompany mail room and look for a package.9.The French version of the Netscape Navigatordoesn't translate English web pages into French.10.If you're in the armed services, and it's April1st, and you get a call from Col. Sanders for neworders....DON'T CALL BACK!11.If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad,you don't have to specify whether it's for Windows orMac.12.You do not need your passport to get into NewMexico.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Rules of dieting...If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, thecalories in the candy bar are canceled out by the dietsoda. (This rule also applies to mixed drinks.Example: rum and diet coke)When you eat with someone else, calories don'tcount if they eat more than you do.When you eat with someone else, your calories don'tcount if they eat more than you do.Calories in food used for medicinal purposes NEVERcount. Examples: hot chocolate, brandy and Sara LeeCheesecake.If you fatten everyone else around you, then you lookthinner.Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn,Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do nothave additional calories because everyone knows thatmovies aren't real.When preparing food, things licked off spoons andknives have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on aknife when making a sandwich; ice cream on a spoonwhen making a sundae; cakefrosting.Broken cookie pieces contain no fat. It leaks out.Foods that are the the same color have the samenumber of calories, Examples: Spinach and pistachioice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. (Note:Chocolate is a universal color and may be substitutedfor any other food color.)Calories are a unit of heat. Therefore, frozen foodshave no calories. Examples include ice cream, frozenpies and Popsicles.Wild Card. Each dieter may add one rule that pertainsto their particular, unique situation.Click
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Military TimeMy wife never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall."He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised.
SawmillTwo men were working at the sawmill and one guy got too close to the saw and cut his ear off. It fell in the sawdust pit so he jumped down into the pit and was hunting around trying to find it. The second guy saw him and hollered down, "What're you doing?" The first man said that he had cut off his ear and was looking for it. The second guy said, "I'll help you" and jumped in the pit. He was searching around on his hands and knees and then hollered, "I found it!" The first guy took it and examined it closely, then said, "Keep looking. Mine had a pencil behind it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk aroundthe local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone, he said,"There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars,but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and ifanyone has gone to heaven, he has."They walked on a bit farther and then came to another grave.The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there'sa different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars,and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyonehas gone to hell, he has."The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know,Grandpa, you are very lucky.""Why?" asked the old man in surprise."Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money todraw on."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ball Markers
A Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says, "Yes, they are just $1.00 each. "
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar and says he'll take one.
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in the tray and with a big smile hands the guy a quarter.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room." - Winston Churchill
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Illustration. - Wedding Verses
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."
The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18":
"For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From a Friend:1.If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send yourbid by FedEx.2.If your computer says "Printer out of paper", thisproblem cannot be solved by clicking the "OK" button.3.If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work,you need to hook it up to the water source. Airdoesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.4.No matter how much data you add to your laptopcomputer, it will not get any heavier.5.A bad place to store your emergency backup disketteis on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by alarge magnet.6.It's OK to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.7.When the PC says "Insert Diskette #2" don't do itimmediately. Remove Diskette #1 first, even if you'resure you can make them both fit in there.8.When your PC says "You have mail", don't go to thecompany mail room and look for a package.9.The French version of the Netscape Navigatordoesn't translate English web pages into French.10.If you're in the armed services, and it's April1st, and you get a call from Col. Sanders for neworders....DON'T CALL BACK!11.If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad,you don't have to specify whether it's for Windows orMac.12.You do not need your passport to get into NewMexico.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: Rules of dieting...If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, thecalories in the candy bar are canceled out by the dietsoda. (This rule also applies to mixed drinks.Example: rum and diet coke)When you eat with someone else, calories don'tcount if they eat more than you do.When you eat with someone else, your calories don'tcount if they eat more than you do.Calories in food used for medicinal purposes NEVERcount. Examples: hot chocolate, brandy and Sara LeeCheesecake.If you fatten everyone else around you, then you lookthinner.Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn,Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do nothave additional calories because everyone knows thatmovies aren't real.When preparing food, things licked off spoons andknives have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on aknife when making a sandwich; ice cream on a spoonwhen making a sundae; cakefrosting.Broken cookie pieces contain no fat. It leaks out.Foods that are the the same color have the samenumber of calories, Examples: Spinach and pistachioice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. (Note:Chocolate is a universal color and may be substitutedfor any other food color.)Calories are a unit of heat. Therefore, frozen foodshave no calories. Examples include ice cream, frozenpies and Popsicles.Wild Card. Each dieter may add one rule that pertainsto their particular, unique situation.Click
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Military TimeMy wife never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military clock. One day she called the orderly room to speak with me. The person who answered told her to call me at the extension in the band rehearsal hall."He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier advised.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
hUMOR For Nov 10th
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Need a Raise!The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college president, "you already make more than the entire History department.""Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported."Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the president, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. Iroutinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myselfwith their capabilities. One day I was aboard anintelligence aircraft where each crew member was surroundedby complex gear.A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chatscreen, sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemyinformation to the crew. It's like instant messaging."Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman'sscreen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! Thecolonel's on the way!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our six year old son was all excited about his Halloween costume. "I'm going to be the Pope," he said.
"Jake, you can't be the Pope," I said. "You're not Catholic.You're Lutheran."
Jake hadn't thought about that. So he considered his alternatives. After a few minutes, he asked,
"Is Dracula a Lutheran?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pie Manners
In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece of pie and again watched his father give it to a guest.
This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Everything
Q. What do you give a man who has everything?
A. Antibiotics.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to L.B.S. for this favorite:THE PAINS OF CHILDBIRTHHere are the answers to some questions that you mayhave had about pregnancy:Q. Should I have a baby after 35?A. No, 35 children is enough.Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my babymove?A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sicknessor the flu?A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.Q. What is the most reliable method to determine ababy's sex?A. Childbirth.Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody thatsometimes she's borderline irrational.A. So what's your question?Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'llfeel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might becalled an air current.Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the deliveryroom while my wife is in labor?A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything toyou.Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recoveringfrom childbirth?A. Yes, pregnancy.Q. Does pregnancy cause headaches?A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame itfor.Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wifebegin to feel and act normal again?A. When the kids are in college.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: I guarantee you will remember the taleof the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a monthfrom now, a year from now.A frail old man went to live with his son,daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The oldman's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, andhis step faltered. The family ate together at thetable. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands andfailing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled offhis spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass,milkspilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-lawbecame irritated with the mess. "We must do somethingabout Grandfather," said the son. I've hadenough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food onthe floor.So the husband and wife set a small table in thecorner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest ofthe family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfatherhad broken a dish or two, his food was served in awooden bowl.When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction,sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.Still, the only words the couple had for him weresharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilledfood.The four-year-old watched it all in silence. Oneevening before supper, the father noticed his sonplaying with wood scraps on the floor. He askedthe child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just assweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a littlebowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I growup." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.The words so struck the parents so that they werespeechless. Then tears started to stream down theircheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knewwhat must be done.That evening, the husband took Grandfather's hand andgently led him back to the family table. For theremainder of his days he ate every meal with thefamily. And for some reason, neither husband nor wifeseemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped,milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
Need a Raise!The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college president, "you already make more than the entire History department.""Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported."Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the president, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. Iroutinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myselfwith their capabilities. One day I was aboard anintelligence aircraft where each crew member was surroundedby complex gear.A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chatscreen, sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemyinformation to the crew. It's like instant messaging."Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman'sscreen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! Thecolonel's on the way!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our six year old son was all excited about his Halloween costume. "I'm going to be the Pope," he said.
"Jake, you can't be the Pope," I said. "You're not Catholic.You're Lutheran."
Jake hadn't thought about that. So he considered his alternatives. After a few minutes, he asked,
"Is Dracula a Lutheran?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pie Manners
In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece of pie and again watched his father give it to a guest.
This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is today's CleanPun. - Everything
Q. What do you give a man who has everything?
A. Antibiotics.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to L.B.S. for this favorite:THE PAINS OF CHILDBIRTHHere are the answers to some questions that you mayhave had about pregnancy:Q. Should I have a baby after 35?A. No, 35 children is enough.Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my babymove?A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sicknessor the flu?A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.Q. What is the most reliable method to determine ababy's sex?A. Childbirth.Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody thatsometimes she's borderline irrational.A. So what's your question?Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'llfeel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might becalled an air current.Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the deliveryroom while my wife is in labor?A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything toyou.Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recoveringfrom childbirth?A. Yes, pregnancy.Q. Does pregnancy cause headaches?A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame itfor.Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wifebegin to feel and act normal again?A. When the kids are in college.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to LBS: I guarantee you will remember the taleof the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a monthfrom now, a year from now.A frail old man went to live with his son,daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The oldman's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, andhis step faltered. The family ate together at thetable. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands andfailing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled offhis spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass,milkspilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-lawbecame irritated with the mess. "We must do somethingabout Grandfather," said the son. I've hadenough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food onthe floor.So the husband and wife set a small table in thecorner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest ofthe family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfatherhad broken a dish or two, his food was served in awooden bowl.When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction,sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.Still, the only words the couple had for him weresharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilledfood.The four-year-old watched it all in silence. Oneevening before supper, the father noticed his sonplaying with wood scraps on the floor. He askedthe child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just assweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a littlebowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I growup." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.The words so struck the parents so that they werespeechless. Then tears started to stream down theircheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knewwhat must be done.That evening, the husband took Grandfather's hand andgently led him back to the family table. For theremainder of his days he ate every meal with thefamily. And for some reason, neither husband nor wifeseemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped,milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
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