hUMOR For Oct. 13th

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Wine SecretThe secret to enjoying a good wine is:1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth.
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Old Goats
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
"These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
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The European Union commissioners have announced thatagreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferredlanguage for European communications, rather than German,which was the other possibility. As part of thenegotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that Englishspelling had some room for improvement and has accepted afive-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish(Euro for short).European officials have often pointed out that Englishspelling is unnecessarily difficult -- for example, cough,plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly neededis a phased program of changes to iron out these anomalies.The program would, of course, be administered by a committeestaff at top level by participating nations.In the first year, for example, the committee would suggestusing 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servantsin all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then thehard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters arepronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion inthe minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be madewith one less letter.There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year,it kould be announsed that the troublesome 'ph' wouldhenseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kanbe expekted to reash the stage where more komplikatedshanges are possible. Governments would enkourage theremoval of double letters, which have always been a deterentto akurate speling.We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in thelanguag is disgrasful. Therfor we kould drop thes andkontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. Bythis tim it would be four years sins the skem began andpeopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, zeunesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'.Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinationsof leters.Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav areli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mortrubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understandech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
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A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."
The storeowner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"
The storeowner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
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A man was sitting in a cafeteria next to a blonde woman who was
engrossed in her newspaper.

The bold headline read "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

She shook her head at the sad news.

Then turning to the man she asked,

"How many is a Brazilian?"
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New DictionaryWhile I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supples. One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one.I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.'" He got his new dictionary.

hUMOR For Oct. 12th

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Happy Birthday Call
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him.
But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age." - Robert Frost
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Here is today's Illustration. - Complaining
A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt.
A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells,
"What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?
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Things to Do in an Elevator1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, taphim on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.Smile, and go back for more.3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but pushthe wrong ones.4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask ifthey know what floor you're on.5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend.After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How'syour day been?"6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up,then scream, "That's mine!"7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in theelevator.8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone getson, ask if he has an appointment.9) Lay down the Twister mat and ask people if they wouldlike to play.10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, askhim if he can hear ticking.11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergencyprocedures and exits with the passengers.12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing himoccasionally.14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It'sokay, don't panic, they open again!"15) Swat at flies that don't exist.16) Tell people that you can see their aura.17) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead andmuttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"18) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peeringinside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"19) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing thewall, without getting off.20) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce inhorror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.21) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to theother passengers.22) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.23) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.24) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, andthen announce, "I have new socks on."25) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk andannounce to the other passengers, "This is MY personalspace!"
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Middle East MysteryEveryone seems to be wondering why Muslim terroristsare so quick to commit suicide.Let's see now:· No Jesus.· No Wal-Mart.· No television.· No baseball.· No football.· No basketball.· No hockey.· No golf.· No tailgate parties.· No Home Depot.· No pork BBQ.· No hot dogs.· No burgers.· No lobster.· No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks.· No gumbo.· No jambalaya.· More than one wife. (HELLOOO, ARE YOU CRAZY?)· Rags for clothes and towels for hats.· Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he'ssick and there are no doctors.· Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.· No chocolate chip cookies.· No Christmas.· You can't shave.· Your wives can't shave.· You can't shower to wash off the smell of dinnercooked over burning camel dung.· The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils atall times.· Your bride is picked by someone else.· She smells just like your donkey, but your donkeyhas a better disposition.Then they tell you that when you die it all getsbetter! I mean, really. IS THERE ANY MYSTERY HERE?

FhUMOR For Oct. 11th

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Brick Order

A man goes into his local building supply store and orders 10,000 bricks.

"May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.

"It's going to be a barbecue."

"Wow, that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue,"

"Not really; I live on the 12th floor."
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*Here is today's CleanQuote.*

"Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty."

- Mark Twain
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*Here is today's Illustration. - Intimidation*

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a beer, or...!"

Scared, the bartender serves the man his beer. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it.

The next day, the hooligan returns. "Give me a beer, or...!"

"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.

"A small Coke."
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The way to get started is to quit

talking and begin doing. ~Walt Disney

Talking can lead to problem solving. It can enlist

someone's support. It can bring clarity to obstacles

you face and help you make a plan for action. But

there are times when talking takes the place of doing,

when it becomes a way to avoid acting. The surest way

to get started is to start doing. Just do it!
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NEWS From The year 2029

* Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions

in the seventh largest country in the world,

Mexifornia formally known as California.

* Japanese scientists have created a camera with such

a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman

with her mouth shut.

* Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United

States crops and livestock.

* Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped.

* Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual

marriage.

* Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the

American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known

as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

* Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will

take at least 10 more years before radioactivity

decreases to safe levels.

* France pleads for global help after being over taken

by Jamaica.

* Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now

be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has

banned all smoking.

* George Z. Bush says he will run for President in

2036.

* Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to

$17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

* 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are

the keys to weight loss.

* Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

* Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

* Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates

their civil rights.

* Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven

inches.

* New federal law requires that all nail clippers,

screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers

must be registered by January 2036.

* Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly

illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

* IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

* Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting

machine.
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As I lie here awake in my bed,

Surgeon's wit seems to ring in my head.

"Through your belly I poked,

So you know," he then joked,

"I will keep you in stitches," he said.

With a glance at my gut, you can tell

It's distended. I want to get well.

It's bulging, inflated.

You think I'm elated?

How's my tummy? I'll answer, "Quite swell."

My abdomen's badly defaced.

Reality now must be faced.

I'm swollen and bloated,

And badly emoted.

I know it's a terrible waist.

I lie here awake in the night.

My innards are stretched rather tight.

If I have enough guts,

Then I shouldn't go nuts.

I can't stomach much more of this plight.

Many hours here in bed I have lain.

All my energy went down the drain.

My bod hurts and it's sore.

Just to move is a chore.

My recovery's really a pain.

(Kirk Miller)
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New Checking Account

The teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of

balancing his new checking account.

"The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store,"

his mother said.

"Oh good," he replied, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"

hUMOR For Oct. 10th

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Class Reunions
Every ten years, as summertime nears,An announcement arrives in the mail,A reunion is planned; it'll be really grand;Make plans to attend without fail.
I'll never forget the first time we met;We tried so hard to impress.We drove fancy cars, smoked big cigars,And wore our most elegant dress.
It was quite an affair; the whole class was there.It was held at a fancy hotel.We wined, and we dined, and we acted refined,And everyone thought it was swell.
The men all conversed about who had been firstTo achieve great fortune and fame.Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine housesAnd how beautiful their children became.
The homecoming queen, who once had been lean,Now weighed in at one-ninety-six.The jocks who were there had all lost their hair,And the cheerleaders could no longer do kicks.
No one had heard about the class nerdWho'd guided a spacecraft to the moon;Or poor little Jane, who's always been plain;She married a shipping tycoon.
The boy we'd decreed "most apt to succeed"Was serving ten years in the pen,While the one voted "least" now was a priest;Just shows you can be wrong now and then.
They awarded a prize to one of the guysWho seemed to have aged the least.Another was given to the grad who had drivenThe farthest to attend the feast.
They took a class picture, a curious mixtureOf beehives, crew cuts and wide ties.Tall, short, or skinny, the style was the mini;You never saw so many thighs.
At our next get-together, no one cared whetherThey impressed their classmates or not.The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal;By this time we'd all gone to pot.
It was held out-of-doors, at the lake shores;We ate hamburgers, coleslaw, and beans.Then most of us lay around in the shade,In our comfortable T-shirts and jeans.
By the fortieth year, it was abundantly clear,We were definitely over the hill.Those who weren't dead had to crawl out of bed,And be home in time for their pill.
And now I can't wait as they've set the date;Our sixtieth is coming, I'm told.It should be a ball, they've rented a hallAt the Shady Rest Home for the old.
Repairs have been made on my old hearing aid;My pacemaker's been turned up on high.My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled;And I've bought a new wig and glass eye.
I'm feeling quite hearty; I'm ready to party,I'll dance until dawn's early light.It'll be lots of fun; and I hope at least oneOther person can make it that night.
Author Unknown
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RULES OF COMBATI do not know the author of this list of "Rules ofCombat", but you may find it helpful:1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.2. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.3. The easy way is always mined.4. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.5. The enemy invariably attacks on one of twooccasions:a. When you're ready for them.b. When you're not ready for them.6. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someoneelse to shoot at.7. If your attack is going well, you have walked intoan ambush.8. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people aroundyou.9. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemyfire is incoming friendly fire.10. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* ourfriend.11. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.12. When in doubt, empty the magazine.13. Anything you do can get you shot -- includingdoing nothing.14. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and youcan't get out.15. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.16. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smartenough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it,and lucky enough to survive.17. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the lastand don't ever volunteer to do anything.18. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too largeand too small.19. Five second fuses only last three seconds.20. It is generally inadvisable to eject directlyover the area you just bombed.
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Mental ExerciseExercise of the brain is as important as exercise ofthe muscles. As we grow older, it's important that wekeep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't useit, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so...Below is a very private way to gauge you loss ornon-loss of intelligence. So take the following testpresented here and determine if you are losing it orstill a MENSA candidate.Ok, relax... clear your mind, and begin.

hUMOR For Oct. 9th

The Youth MovementThe elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest,said, "It was a good idea to replace the first fourpews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. Thefront of the church fills first."The young priest nodded and the old one continued,"And you told me a little more beat to the music wouldbring young people back to church, so I supported youwhen you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Weare packed to the balcony.""Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I ampleased you are open to the new ideas of youth." "Well", said the elderly priest, "I'm afraidyou've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional."But Father," protested the young priest. "Myconfessions have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know, my son," replied the old man. "But thatflashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell",can't stay on the church roof!
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WD-40I thought that you might like to know more about thiswell-known WD-40 product. When you read the "showerdoor" part, try it. It's the first thing that hascleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic,it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stovetop... Viola! It's nowshinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed. The product began from a search for a rustpreventative solvent and degreaser to protect missileparts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three techniciansat the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its namecomes from the project that was to find a "WaterDisplacement" compound. They were successful with theFortieth formulation, thus WD-40. The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect theirAtlas missile parts. The workers were so pleased with the product theybegan smuggling (also known as "shrinkage" or"stealing") it out to use at home. The executives decided there might be a consumermarket for it and put it in aerosol cans. The rest ishistory. It is a carefully guarded recipe known onlyto four people. One of them is the "brew master."There are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuffmanufactured each year. It gets its distinctive smellfrom a fragrance that is added to the brew. Ken East(one of the original founders) says there is nothingin WD-40 that would hurt you. Here are a few of the 1000s of uses: ~Protects silver from tarnishing~Cleans and lubricates guitar strings ~Gets oil spots off concrete driveways ~Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without makingit slippery ~Keeps flies off cows ~Restores and cleans chalkboards ~Removes lipstick stains ~Loosens stubborn zippers ~Untangles jewelry chains ~Removes stains from stainless steel sinks ~Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill ~Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing ~Removes tomato stains from clothing ~Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots ~Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors ~Keeps scissors working smoothly ~Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors inhomes ~Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a superfast slide ~Lubricates gear shift and mower - deck lever for easeof handling on riding mowers ~Rids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises ~Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makesthem easier to open ~Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open andclose ~Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards andvinyl bumpers ~Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles ~Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans ~Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons andbicycles for easy handling ~Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keepsthem running smoothly ~Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, andother tools ~Removes splattered grease on stove ~Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging ~Lubricates prosthetic limbs ~Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell) ~Removes all traces of duct tape ~I have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms,hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain. ~Florida'sfavorite use was "cleans and removes love bugs fromgrills and bumpers ~The favorite use in the state of New York ~ WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from theelements. ~WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait orlures and you will be catching the big one in no time.It's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants thatare made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though,using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishingare not allowed in some states. ~Keeps away chiggers on the kids ~Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting awayimmediately, and stops the itch. ~WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Sprayon the mark and wipe with a clean rag. ~Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughterhas washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load oflaundry, saturate the lipstick spots with WD-40 andre-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone! ~If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it woulddisplace the moisture and allow the car to start. (IfI knew what a distributor cap was, it might help) ~WD-40, long known for its ability to remove leftovertape smudges (sticky label tape), is also a lovelyperfume and air freshener! Sprayed liberally on everyhinge in the house, it leaves that distinctive cleanfresh scent for up to two days! ~Seriously though, it removes black scuff marks fromthe kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar andscuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm thefinish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard toget them off. Just remember to open some windows ifyou have a lot of marks. ~Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if notremoved quickly! Use WD-40!
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Charity Answer
Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate."
He said to Harrigan, "If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?"
He said, "I would that, Father."
The priest said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbor next door?"
Harrigan said, "No."
The priest said, "And why not?"
He said, "I have two greyhounds."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"When I was a child and got dirty, my mother would spit on a handkerchief and use it to clean the dirt off - I guess in her mind, muddy and disgusting was better than just muddy." - David Sigmon

hUMOR For Oct. 7th

THERE WILL BE NO hUMOR TOMORROW, HAVE A FUNNY DAY



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Argument Settled
The other day, Avril and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Avril finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."
"Fine." I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."
I grinned and replied, "You're right."
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CleanQuote.
"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." - Winston Churchill
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Here is today's Illustration. - Life Purpose
Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.
One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get me up in one of those things."
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I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have twokids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one Isaw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have afew sessions with my students. It helps them get overshyness, and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kidsbring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish theycatch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place anyboundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it toschool and talk about it, they're welcome.Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, veryoutgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front ofthe class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holdsup a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother,and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, andthen Dad put a seed in Mom's stomach, and Luke grew inthere. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'mtrying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.The kids are watching her in amazement."Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mom starts saying andgoing, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back andgroans. "She walked around the house for like an hour. 'Oh,oh, oh!'" Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk,holding her back and groaning. "My dad called the middlewife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign onthe car like the Domino's man."They got my mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Ericalies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! Mymom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he gotthirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed,like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with herlittle hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!"Then the middle wife starts saying, 'push, push' and'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never evengot past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother.He was covered in yucky stuff; they all said was from Mom'splay-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow, and returnedto her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever sincethen, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, justin case another Erica comes along.
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Tax CodeThe U.S. Tax Code is pretty complex, but sometimes there are little nuggets of clarity that really make sense. Yesterday in my class we read from the Internal Revenue Code.Section 708(a) of the Internal Revenue Code states: "...an existing partnership shall be considered as continuing if it is not terminated."I guess it's just like an individual shall be considered as alive if he or she is not dead.

hMOR For Oct. 6th

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Executive ApprovalFor many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.
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The Object of the GameA retiree was given a set of golf clubs by hisco-workers.Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro forlessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever ofthe game. The pro showed him the stance and swing andthen said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on thefirst green."The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight downthe fairway and onto the green, where it stoppedinches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked thespeechless pro.The pro just stood there and stared at the novice."Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup,"the pro finally said after he was able to speak again."Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in adisgusted tone.
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StakeoutWithout realizing it, I walked right into a policestakeout at my local Blockbuster. When a young manstepped out the door, a group of officers pounced,cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car.Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop cameover and said, "When they say the movie is due by noonthe next day... they mean it!"
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Horse-Sense Just up the road from my home is a field, with twohorses in it. From a distance, each looks like everyother horse. But if one stops the car, or is walkingby, one will notice something quite amazing. Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose thathe is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but hasmade a good home for him. This alone is amazing. Listening, one will hear the sound of a bell. Lookingaround for the source of the sound, one will see thatit comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her bridle is a small bell. It lets herblind friend know where she is, so he can follow her. As one stands and watches these two friends, one seeshow she is always checking on him, and that he willlisten for her bell and then slowly walk to where sheis trusting that she will not lead him astray. Like the owners of these two horses, God does notthrow us away just because we are not perfect orbecause we have problems or challenges. He watchesover us and even brings others into our lives to helpus when we are in need. Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by Godand those whom he places in our lives. Other times weare the guide horse, helping others see God. Author Unknown

hUMOR For Oct. 5th

Spelling Information"Hello, Information? I need the number of the Caseway Insurance Company.""Would you spell that, please?""Certainly. C as in sea. A as in aye. S as in sea. E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you.""Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."
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A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date,but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catchher eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed herinto the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To hisamazement, she readily consented.He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? Youwouldn't even make eye contact.""Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
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You Know You're A School Teacher If...The following is dedicated to all the brave souls whoteach these "impossible" grades.You know you teach school if:You empty your pockets at night and find: 1. two used hall passes. 2. one unused bus pass. 3. a pencil stub. 4. no money (you spent your change in the facultyroom candy stash).You brag to your spouse about how many parent phonecalls you got done today.Your relatives refuse to attend one of your parties if"it's going to be mostly teachers" because they alltalk shop.You keep trying those techniques that were recommendedby experts during the latest pendulum swing.You walk the halls of your building and unconsciouslypick up litter.You are irritated by adults who chew gum in public.Your spouse surreptitiously reads the paper at dinnerwhile you describe your day.You plan your seating chart so that the short kidscan't hide behind bigger ones.You have see firsthand what gum wrappers and penniescan do to a floppy disk driveYou write your name conspicuously on all personalobjects, including your car keys, your masking tape,your textbook, and your chair.You sometimes choose to pretend not to hear commentsthat were perfectly intelligible to anyone who was inthe room.You know what your classroom door sounds like whenslammed mightily.You have classroom rules about where people may puttheir feet.You know what the ventilation fan in your room soundslike when whirling small objects, usually folded paperor wrappers.Your librarian cringes when you sign up your class.You tell subtle jokes in class just to see those fewsmiles of the ones that catch on.You despise Halloween candy, Christmas candy, andValentine candy.Your students prefer current events stories that dealwith rape, murder, electrocution, and demonicpossession.One of your students writes to Congress (on yournickel) to complain about some cigarette butts throwninto a local lake.You still can't believe you allowed yourself to besucked into an argument regarding whether BeanieBabies should be allowed in class.You know at least three ways to remove objectionabledoodles from textbooks so the next user will not beoffended.Your team goes out for dinner to celebrate the newsthat your biggest headache is moving to anotherdistrict.You clean desks yourself just to keep the placelooking nice and to help your own morale.A mother calls to chew you out because you haveignored her son's project only to learn from you thatit must be the one that has sat on the chalk rail forweeks with the words "Whose? Is this yours?" writtenabove it?

hUMOR For Oct. 4th

********************************
Old man Fielding, the miser, at last went to his reward and presented himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted him with appropriate solemnity and escorted him to his new abode. Walking past numerous elegant mansions finally they arrived at a dilapidated shack at the end of the street.
Fielding, much taken aback, began, "Why am I left with a rundown shack when all of these others have fine mansions?"
"Well, sir," replied St. Peter, "we did the best we could with the money you sent us."
********************************
You Know You're a Redneck When... (2005 Edition)

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same
tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter. 3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. 4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 5. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 6. You offer someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. 7. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took. 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas wish list. 12. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. 13. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. 14. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. 15. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture. 16. You took a fishing pole to Sea World. 17. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. 18. You have a rag for a gas cap. 19. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. 20. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 21. You can spit without opening your mouth. 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 23. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota. 24. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side. 25. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table. 26. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. 27. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. 28. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. 29. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. 30. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
********************************
Klopman Diamond
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
********************************
Thanks to Robert Burdick for today's Oneliner.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive . . . so I took her to a gas station.
********************************
Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple are
involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find
themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they
possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter
says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has
asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer...... for a
couple of months. While they waited, they discussed
that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven,
SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect
of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we
stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns,
looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the
couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just
wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we
also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard
onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened
couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three
months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea
how long it'll take me to find a lawyer..."
********************************
Leaky Roof

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a
repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?"
the repairman inquired.

Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

hUMOR For Oct. 3rd

I hope todays post isn't a repeat....................................


********************************
Worthy Cause
As a traffic safety consultant, I often gave talks on accident prevention. One night after I spoke to a PTA group, the program chairperson thanked me profusely and gave me a check for fifty dollars.
"Giving these presentations is a part of my job," I said. "Could I donate the money to one of your causes?"
"That would be wonderful!" she gushed. "We have just the program that could use it. We're trying to raise money so we can afford better speakers."
********************************
shush

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they
had successfully
slipped into the US.
The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.
The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers "Don't
blow our cover.
You're in America now. Speak Spanish."
********************************
Psychological Test

This is a genuine psychological test. It is a story
about a girl.

While at the funeral of her own mother, she met this
guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was
amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be,
that she fell in love with him there and then... A few
days later the girl killed her own sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

DON'T look at the answer until you have thought what
your own answer is to this question!!!!!

*Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at
the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a
psychopath. This was a test by a famous American
psychologist used to test if one has the same
mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers
took part in this test and answered it correctly. If
you didn't answer correctly - good for you. If your
friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep
your distance.

(If you got the answer correct, please let me know so
I can take you off my distribution list...)
********************************
Psychological Test

This is a genuine psychological test. It is a story
about a girl.

While at the funeral of her own mother, she met this
guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was
amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be,
that she fell in love with him there and then... A few
days later the girl killed her own sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?

DON'T look at the answer until you have thought what
your own answer is to this question!!!!!

*Answer: She was hoping that the guy would appear at
the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a
psychopath. This was a test by a famous American
psychologist used to test if one has the same
mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers
took part in this test and answered it correctly. If
you didn't answer correctly - good for you. If your
friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep
your distance.

(If you got the answer correct, please let me know so
I can take you off my distribution list...)
********************************
Makes about as much sense as anything else, I guess?! WRONG!

LOUISIANA POLITICS New Orleans has: A Democrat Mayor A Democrat City Council A Democrat Chief of Police Louisiana has: A Democrat Governor A Democrat Lt. Governor A Democrat Attorney General 24 of 39 Louisiana State Senators are Democrats 67 of 105 Louisiana State House Representatives are Democrats A Democrat Representative in the US ! House from New Orleans And one of the two Senators in the US Senate is a Democrat. SO YOU CAN SEE WHY IT'S ALL BUSH'S FAULT!

hUMOR For Oct. 2nd

********************************
Rice Preference
The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So . . . how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Reflect upon your present blessings, of which everyone has plenty; not on your past misfortunes of which we all have some." - Charles Dickens
********************************
Thanks to David Finlay for today's Illustration. - Sacrifice
A Christian farmers cow gave birth to twin bull calves. The farmer was delighted as bull calves are worth more than a cow calf and since he had two he decided to sell one to the work of the Lord when it was fully grown.
However one of the calves grew sick, then sicker and the farmer came in to the house one day looking sad. He looked at his wife and said. "You'll never guess what's just happened? The Lord's calf is dead!"
********************************
Automated Phone Call

As an administrative assistant at a chiropractic office, I called an
insurance company to verify benefits for a patient. Although the call
was important, I couldn't reach a human being, only a recording.

"Thank you for calling," said the message. "Our office will be closed
until two o'clock as we enjoy our Customer Appreciation Week Celebration."
********************************
Teacher Job Description

After being interviewed by the school administration,
the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've
got this right. You want me to go into that room with
all those kids, and fill their every waking moment
with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill
a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their
disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse
and even censor their t-shirt messages and dress
habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and
sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks
for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their
self-esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism,
good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to
register to vote, how to balance a check-book, and how
to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for
lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh, make sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention. My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings and weekends grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense working toward advance certification and a Masters degree. And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training. I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school. I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.

Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with
handicaps get an equal education regardless of the
extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am
to communicate regularly with the parents by letter,
telephone, newsletter and report card.

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a
computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile
AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for
food stamps! You want me to do all of this and yet you
expect me...... NOT TO PRAY?"

hUMOR For October 1st

********************************
Anniversary Gift

For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their
teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.
When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was
beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note
that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with
friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!" "I suppose,"
the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house."
********************************
People here in Texas have trouble with all those "shalls"
and "shall nots" in the Ten Commandments.

Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So,
some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch" language:

The Cowboy's Ten Commandments
(posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie,
Texas)

(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin.'
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think?

Y'all have a good day.
********************************
"The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word
'crisis.' One brush stroke stands for danger; the
other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the
danger - but recognize the opportunity."
********************************
College Cure

Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city.
One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet?"

"Two days ago."

"Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an
engineer. What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college?"

"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."

"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"

"He's taking every penny I make."

"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"

"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."

"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all?"

"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him."

hUMOR For Sept 30th

*****************************
Cat Petting
We moved into an apartment while we were looking for a place that would let us keep our pets. We could not have our pets at our apartment, so my brother-in-law kept our cat for us until we could find a place that would let us keep him.
One day he came home after dark and saw the cat on the porch eating. He reached down to pet him and while he was petting him he looked over toward the fence where he saw MY cat sitting. Looking back around to see what he was petting he realized that it was a raccoon that had came up to eat the cat food. After that the cat was fed in the house.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"I ran out of ice cream bars the other day, and I cried. Then I remembered Alexander the Great, and how he wept when there were no more worlds to conquer. How very much alike we are, I thought." - Michael Thompson
********************************
Thanks to Lee Quinn for today's Illustration. - Advice
A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started."
Mozart said, "The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitious pieces to begin with."
The young man looked astonished. "But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I."
"Ah," said Mozart, "but I did so without asking advice."
********************************
Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Though
they've been around for more than 50 years, the members of
the Peanuts gang are in some unspecified elementary school holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to age like the rest of us? With apologies to the late Charles
Schulz:

Charlie Brown:
Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in
manic depressives and people who are just having a bad day. Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who wears glasses.

Linus:
Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item
on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is
actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. The only man who makes Bill Gates nervous.

Lucy:
Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband. Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the background music on her answering machine is Beethoven.

Schroeder:
After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a piano bar in Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his piano.

Sally:
Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named Sweet Babboo. Sells Mary Kay.

Peppermint Patty:
Women's athletic director at a Midwest university. Her
fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything."

Snoopy:
In dog years, he'd be 350. What do you think would've
happened to him? Linus has created an endowment at Daisy
Hill Puppy Farm in Snoopy's memory.
********************************
A blonde to a long-distance telephone operator: "Could
you please tell me the time difference between Taipei
and Las Vegas?"

Operator: "Just a minute..."

Blonde: "Thank you," and with that she hung up.
********************************
TOP 7 SIGNS YOUR PREACHER
NEEDS A VACATION

7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday
morning are "alright, listen up you heathens..."

6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.

5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda
Shorts and a Tank Top

4. Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, "Why
can't they just leave me alone?!"

3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand
Canyon

2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your
heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal
problem to me."

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PREACHER NEEDS A VACATION

1. For the past two months he has preached the same
sermon every Sunday.

hUMOR For Sept. 29th

********************************
Dogs
** If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
** In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog to worship him and a cat to ignore him.
** Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
** Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
** When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
** Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time." - Willie Tyler
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Dolphin
A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd por- poise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?"
"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise."
********************************
From a preacher's list:

The population of this country is 237 million. 104
million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the
work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48
million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million
employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million
to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from
the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and
City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the
work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in
hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now,
there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves
just two people to do the work. You and me. No wonder
we're so tired.
********************************
From JokesEveryDay:

Top Ten NOT Surprising Facts About The Average Parent

10. The average parent has eaten their weight in Girl
Scout cookies.

9. The average parent has at least two backup recipes
for play-doh.

8. The average parent has Pizza Hut on speed dial.

7. The average parent has prepared more than 10,000
servings of macaroni and cheese.

6. The average parent unconsciously hums at least
three children's show theme songs a day.

5. The average parent can take construction paper,
glue, pudding cups and aluminum foil and make a
delightful Thanksgiving centerpiece.

4. The average parent can produce from their
pocket/purse at least 12 legos, 3 hot wheels cars, and
a Barbie shoe at any given time.

3. The average parent has at least one child induced
stain on the clothing they are currently wearing.

2. The average parent secretly hopes that whoever
thought up 3 months for summer vacation gets
attacked by a pack of marauding wolverines.

1. The average parent knows that a suspiciously
sweet, "Mommy, I love you" means, "I have just
decorated your new headboard/carpet/dress/suit with
all your makeup."
********************************
Think you know
everything?

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the
typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both
eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New
Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English
language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over
the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are
stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver, or purple. (For number 11....I
still say a child trying to say once, but with a lisp.
It is said wunth that rhymes with month. Perhaps no
single word rhymes with orange. But using poetic
license to use two words, (Which is acceptable),
someone could "duck OR CRINGE. Another would be
"whether town OR RANGE.What do you think? L.B.S.)
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the
letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the
Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room
during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one
syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language
which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous,
stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra
Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a
watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used
furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street
were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi
driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not
allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher
walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in
his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is (was -- now deceased) an ordained
minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed
with only the left hand. ...now you know
everything....You could be a TEENAGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
********************************
YOU'VE PROBABLY SEEN THIS BEFORE BUT I HAD TOO AND ... I LAUGHED AGAIN!

Subject: Maturity

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?--- I've sure gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.--- A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're sure right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"
--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.---Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

---I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.---The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."---I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.---THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh heck, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are.

hUMOR For Sept 28th

********************************
Stern Announcement
During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.
When the service was over, he went to greet people at the front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - St. Andreas
One of the more important of the Patron Saints is St. Andreas (in Spanish - San Andreas)... The patron saint of generosity.
In fact, people say he was generous to a fault.
********************************
A man in a blue J.C. Penney suit had fallen between the
rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around, vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!" Alas, the man would not reach up.

Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way
through the crowd and leaned over the man.

"Friend," he asked with compassion, "what is your
profession?"

"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man in the blue suit.

"Please, sir, take my hand," said Ben Bebo.

The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, my friends..."
********************************
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"
********************************
Bad Trip

My co-worker at the travel agency needed to send a letter of apology
to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to
finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug
out the letter I'd written then.

"All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details, the
date, and the name."

She looked it over and smiled, then said, "We won't even need to
change the name."

hUMOR For Sept. 27th

Not sounding anything like my name, I asked, "Who is calling?
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer company or something like that, so I asked him if he knew William personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "get really good pictures of the body and all the blood" then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case. I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.
The telemarketer was getting very concerned, and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position at work and the police were entering the building to take him into custody. At that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.
********************************
Two landscapers were working diligently alongside the
streets of a huge office complex. One would dig a hole and
the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of a street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose
it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man
team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in
sick."
********************************
Road To Easy Street
HOW TO MAKE A TOURNIQUET by Hank R. Schiff
HANDLING YOUR EMOTIONS by Mel. N. Collie
CALM DOWN by Ed. G. Nerves
KNOCKING YOUR FUNNY BONE by Howard Hertz
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
A new medical study says that meat can almost be as bad for you as smoking - in fact, it's almost as bad as second-hand meat.
********************************
Wanted People:

Who are as interested in the church on Sunday and
Wednesday nights as they are on Sunday morning.
Who are as liberal with their money as with their
advice.
Who are willing to deny themselves in order to serve
God.
Who love God more than pleasure (2 Timothy 3:4).
Who are not only church members but also workers.
Who are willing to let church work interfere with
their work and pleasure.
Who are willing to spend at least half as much of
their time studying the Bible as they do watching
television.
Who can be half as enthusiastic about a gospel meeting
as about the World Series or the Super Bowl.
Who are as anxious to tell others the good news of the
gospel as they are to tell them the latest gossip.
Who are willing to practice in their lives what they
say they believe in their hearts.
Who aspire to be leaders in the church purely for the
good they can do for others and the greater service
they can render to God.
Who can object to something without becoming
objectionable, and who can disagree without becoming disagreeable.

-Author Unknown
********************************
-QUARTERBACK SNEAK: Church members quietly leaving
during the invitation.

-DRAW PLAY: What many children do with the bulletin
during worship.

-HALF-TIME: The period between Sunday School and
worship when many choose to leave.

-BENCHWARMER: Those who do not sing, pray, work, or
apparently do anything but sit.

-BACKFIELD IN MOTION: Making a trip to the back
(restroom or water fountain) during the service.

-STAYING IN THE POCKET: What happens to a lot of money
that should be given to the Lord's work.

-TWO MINUTE WARNING: The point at which you realize
the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your
children and belongings.

-INSTANT REPLAY: The preacher loses his notes and
falls back on last week's illustrations.

-SUDDEN DEATH: What happens to the attention span of
the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".

-TRAP: You're called on to pray and are asleep.

-END RUN: Getting out of church quick, without
speaking to any guest or fellow member.

-FLEX DEFENSE: The ability to allow absolutely nothing
said during the sermon to affect your life.

-HALFBACK OPTION: The decision of 50% of the
congregation not to return for the evening service.

-BLITZ: The rush for the restaurants following the
closing prayer.
********************************
Medicare could not give this advice. Too much common sense!

**************************



The phone rang. The lady of the house answered---"Yes?""Mrs. Ward, please.""Speaking.""Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. Whenyour Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples fromanother Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one isyour husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible.""What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked."Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other forAIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is.""That's terrible! Can we do the tests over?" questioned Mrs. Ward."Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more thanonce.""Well, what am I supposed to do now?""The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in themiddle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him!!"

hUMOR For Sept. 26th

********************************
A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in Tennessee recently with
two

ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its
fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch
those

fish?"

"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must

understand these here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?" said the game warden.

"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let
them

swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into

this here ice chest and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish! can't do that! says the warden.

The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said,

"It's the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really
works."

"Okay," said the game warden, "I've GOT to see this!"

The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said,
"Well?"

"Well, what?" said the hillbilly.

The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"

The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"

"The FISH!" replied the warden.

"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.

We in Tennessee may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we

aren't as dumb as most government employees.
********************************
"Fog Mail"

The company psychiatrist was interviewing the young
blonde. As she sat in the chair, the psychiatrist
asked a series of questions to determine if she was
emotionally suitable for the company. Things were not
going well for the young blonde.

The psychiatrist decided to try a new approach, to
give the blonde one last chance. He asked, "if you
could have a conversation with someone, living or
dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

********************************
Dear Dogs,

When I say to move it means go someplace else not
switch positions with each other so there are still
two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note -- placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than
you can run.

I can not buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually
curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy
sarcasm.

When I am playing the pinball machine, jumping up and
trying to grab the ball through the glass is not
helpful. Barking at me because I'm not helping you
achieve your goal does not win you any extra brownie
points.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time ... there is not a secret exit from
the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut it is not necessary to
claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I
have been using bathrooms for years -- canine
attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell other dogs'
butts. I can not stress this enough. It would be such
a simple change for you guys to make.

If the bedroom window is closed, and your mom is still
sleeping soundly in bed, there is no need to bark at a
squirrel that is running along the electrical wires
between two poles. Not only does the squirrel not hear
you, but you are at least 30 feet from the squirrel,
and it is straight up in the air. Standing on your
mom's stomach (even though it is under the covers)
with all your weight is not very comfortable, so if
mom says "oomph!" please reposition yourself elsewhere
on the bed instead of leaning forward to check what's
wrong with mom.

Also, the neighbor's newspaper delivery at 5 am is no
time to warn me about intruders. And just because some neighborhood cats are busy producing more kittens doesn't mean they want you to interrupt their intimate encounter, no matter how much noise they're making!

When I get up in the middle of the night, in the dark,
please choose one:
a) lie still and trust I can both see and avoid you;
b) panic and get up, but do it *before* I try to step
over you;
c) Consistency counts.

And that thing I'm doing on Sunday mornings, while
sitting on the sofa and sipping my coffee, is called
"reading the newspaper". It is not my way of
initiating a game of hide and seek. I know you don't
know how to read (or simply don't like to, I'm not
sure), but it is very relaxing for me. I will be happy
to get kisses or play with you just as soon as I've
had the chance to relax for a few moments. Punching
the newspaper with your paw and knocking it into my
face does not speed along the process. And nudging my
arm while I'm trying to drink my coffee only causes
hot liquid to spill on my shirt and pants. Again ...
this is not helpful.

We prefer our shoes in pairs, and dry. Picking them up
and randomly distributing them around the house does
not provide us additional mental stimulation by trying
to match pairs. Barking at us when you want to go out,
but our shoes aren't where we left them, does NOT
speed up this process.

That little tab on the back of the boots? It was
supposed to be there.

You consistently fail this test though you've had
plenty of time to study -- If there is a dog toy and a
shoe on the floor side-by-side which one should you
choose to run around the house with?

If we roll over in bed at 5:00 a.m. on a weekend it
DOES NOT mean it is time to get up, go outside, eat,
or play. The preferred reaction is that you also roll
over, and go back to sleep.

The cat is not a chase toy and, in fact, doesn't enjoy
the chase as much as you. Perhaps that is the reason
he smacks you? You don't seem to be able to understand
the connection.

I truly appreciate you efforts to "fluff up" the bed
by scratching but it is easier on all of us if we
don't have to make the bed each night.

Does it occur to you that the reason the door is
closed is to keep YOU out?

We're fully aware that empty stainless steel food
bowls make a loud clanging noise when they are dropped
on the floor. Are you trying to tell us something?

I'm not even going to ask you why you thought the
brand new fence was simply a small added obstacle to
your escape efforts.

One final note -- deer droppings are not doggie breathmints.

hUMOR For Sept. 25th

********************************
Great Cheese

The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal
that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into
the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a
month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese.
Ours is imported!"
********************************
Bike Training
Never having learned to ride a bicycle as a child, I finally decided to do it in my late twenties. My boyfriend, William, offered to teach me, and we headed to the park for my first lesson. He held on to the seat as I wobbled down a path. My self-consciousness was just beginning to disappear when I saw a father, teaching his little daughter to ride a bike, approaching.
As we passed, I was mortified when William said to the dad, "They grow up so fast, don't they?"
********************************
CleanQuote.
"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use." - Wendell Johnson
********************************
Superstition
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Car ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m.,regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a world-wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
********************************
Elvis Presley's Senior Citizen Song

Are you lonesome tonight, does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?
Does your memory stray, to that bright sunny day...
When you had all your teeth and your gums?
Is your hairline receding, are your eyes growing dim? Hysterectomy for her, and its prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain...do your knees predict
rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up, your cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low-fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit, Metamucil to boot, keeps
you like a well-oiled machine.
If it's football, or baseball...he sure knows the
score.
Yes, he knows where it's at...but forgets what it's
for.
So, your gall bladder's gone, and his gout lingers on.

Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you're hungry, he's not.
When you're cold, then he's hot.
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light, he goes left, you go
right.
Then you get his great symphonic snore.
He was once so romantic, and witty and smart.
How'd he turn out to be such a cranky old goat?
So don't take any bets, this is as good as it gets.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
********************************
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
....she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
....she thought a quarterback was a refund.
....she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
....she thought General Motors was in the army.
....she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
....under "education" on her job application, she put
"Hooked On Phonics."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....she tripped over a cordless phone
....she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice
can because it said "concentrate."
....she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK"
and "DON'T WALK."
....at the bottom of the application where it says
"sign here," she put "Sagittarius."
....she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....she studied for a blood test.
....she sold the car for gas money!
....when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus
twice instead.
....when she went to the airport and saw a sign that
said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
....when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around
the home, she moved.
....she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
....if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
....she thought that she could not use her AM radio in
the eve
********************************
(NOTE: If you haven't
eaten yet, you might want to wait on this one...)

Coldwater

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a
very secluded, rural area of the state he lived .
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He
noticed a film like substance on his plate and he
questioned, "Grandfather, .are these plates clean? "

His grandfather replied....those plates are as clean
as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your
meal.

Later on that after noon, while eating the hamburgers
his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks
around the edge of his plate, and a substance that
looked like dried egg yokes....so he asked again.

"Grandfather, are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says......I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!

Still later on that afternoon, he decided to get
dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his
Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let
him pass ... "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.
"

Without diverting his attention from the baseball game
his Grandfather as watching, he shouted........

"COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!"

hUMOR For Sept.th.

********************************
Stern Announcement
During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.
He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.
When the service was over, he went to greet people at the front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - St. Andreas
One of the more important of the Patron Saints is St. Andreas (in Spanish - San Andreas)... The patron saint of generosity.
In fact, people say he was generous to a fault.
********************************
A man in a blue J.C. Penney suit had fallen between the
rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around, vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!" Alas, the man would not reach up.

Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way
through the crowd and leaned over the man.

"Friend," he asked with compassion, "what is your
profession?"

"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man in the blue suit.

"Please, sir, take my hand," said Ben Bebo.

The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, my friends..."
********************************
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"
********************************
Bad Trip

My co-worker at the travel agency needed to send a letter of apology
to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to
finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug
out the letter I'd written then.

"All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details, the
date, and the name."

She looked it over and smiled, then said, "We won't even need to
change the name."

hUMOR For Sept. 23rd

********************************
SOUTHERNERS IN HEAVEN Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have some Southerners up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing. "The Lord said, "Southerners are southerners, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil." The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry, Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Southerners have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning!!!!
********************************
Career Change

When Ruth's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted
to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the
house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a
while and kept saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up."

Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling
her he couldn't.

Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?"

Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have
to be a pirate!"
********************************
Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says
> to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher"

The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth."
********************************
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to
the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law
passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship
your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have
her buried here and spend only $150.00?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was
buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I
just can't take that chance."
********************************
Minister Call
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.
Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"A good listener is usually thinking about something else." - Kin Hubbard
********************************
Thanks to Lee Quinn for today's Illustration. - Change
The Amish people lead a simple life. That means no electricity. An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning.
An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his cow pasture. The Amish man said, "No, no thou cannot."
"Legally, that paper says we can," replied the gruff worker.
As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture. As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish farmer hollered, "Show HIM thy paper!"
********************************
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG
SUNDAY SERMON

10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit
in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the preacher telling the soundman to
have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record
today's sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his
notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

3. The pews are replaced with La-Z-Boys.

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on
the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot
hour-glass.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE IN FOR A LONG SUNDAY
SERMON

1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch
the super bowl" but it's only July!
********************************
We have seen this one before, but
it is worthy of another look... ts

A Great Loss

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the
following news. Please join us in remembering a great
icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury
Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was
71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their
respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly
described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he
was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business,
but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was
not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of
his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a
crusty old man, was considered a roll model for
millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play
Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus
the one they had in the oven. He is also survived by
his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

hUMOR For Sept. 22nd

********************************
Withheld Pay

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my
Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a
forklift and drove it off the loading dock.

Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to
withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.

"How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.

"About $4,500," said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
********************************
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
********************************
Sometimes it's hard to make out the words...

1. "God bless America through the night with a light from a bulb!"

2. "O Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, for I come from
Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!"

3. "Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father
and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast."

4. "We shall come to Joyce's bringing in the cheese."

5. "Yield not to Penn Station."

6. "While shepherds washed their socks by night."

7. "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures, here we go."


Many of the above are obvious, but for those that are not,
here is the original wording, with the corrections marked
with *asterisks*:

1. "God bless America through the night with a light from *above*!"

2. "O Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, for I come from
Alabama with a *banjo* on my knee!"

3. "Give us this day our *daily* bread! Glory be to the
Father and to the Son and to the *Holy Ghost.*"

4. "We shall come *rejoicing,* bringing in the *sheaves.*"

5. "Yield not to *temptation.*"

6. "While shepherds *watched* their *flocks* by night."

7. "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all creatures, *here below.*"

(Explanation added by GCFL.)
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Late Night Studying
My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.
"I have to ask you to move your car," Cal told him.
"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"
"No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
Cliches are a dime a dozen.
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Cooking
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
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I'll be happy when ...

We convince ourselves that life will be better after
we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we retire. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.

It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be
happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every
moment that you have and treasure it more because you
shared it with someone special, special enough to
spend your time with ... and remember that time waits
for no one.

So, stop waiting ...
Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids.
Until you retire.
Until summer..
Until spring.
Until winter.
Until fall.
Until you die.

There is no better time than right now to be happy.
Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work
like you don't need money, love like you've never been
hurt, and dance like no one's watching.