********************************
Grocery Pickup
Soon after my 16-year-old sister started working after school as a grocery-store cashier, I went to see how she was doing.
I tried to make myself inconspicuous as I waited to check out my purchases. Ahead of me was a young man who was flirting with my sister. Both embarrassed and amused by his advances, she continued to ring up his groceries. Finally the persistent fellow ventured, "Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"
Oblivious to his questions and adhering to her employee training, she asked him, "How will you be paying?"
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - King Ozymndias
King Ozymndias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Crosus, the pawnbroker, to get a loan.
Crosus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Crosus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
********************************
"Some marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning."
"Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but
you'd be surprised at the number that re-enlist." - James Garner
"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." - Benjamin Franklin
"Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost - she may have got him."
"A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds
of questions he can answer." - Ronald Colman
"Before marriage the three little words are 'I love you',
after marriage they are, 'let's eat out'."
"By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philospher." - Socrates
"A diplomatic husband said to his wife, 'How do you expect
me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?'
"
"It takes a smart spouse to have the last word and not use
it."
"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late
for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator." - Bill Lawrence
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains
because she knows that the average man can see much better
than he can think." - Ladies Home Journal
"A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband." - Michel de Montaingne
"Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse." - Arthur
Baer
"Marriage is a great institution - but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry
"You have only to mumble a few words in church to get
married and a few words in your sleep to get divorced."
"If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the
fact that you can't afford divorce." - Jack Nicholson
"The person who marries for money usually earns every penny
of it."
"The most difficult years of marriage are those following
the wedding."
"A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life
to be thankful for a good one." - Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
"Marriage is like twirling a baton, handsprings, or eating
with chopsticks. It looks easy till you try it."
"If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship,
there would be fewer divorces - and more bankruptcies." - Frances Rodman
"Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a
joke."
"Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales."
"There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage."
"In Hollywood all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems." - Shelley Winters
"No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a
higher opinion of him than he deserves." - Edgar Watson Howe
"The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method for getting acquainted." - Heywood Broun
********************************
Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.
Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, I read, "No. 1, urinalysis."
She interrupted me at once. "I'm a what?"
********************************
You might be a
redneck if...
1. Your wife/sister complains about that framed
portrait of Hulk Hogan over the fireplace.
2. More than one living relative is named after a
Southern Civil War general.
3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.
4. You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and
Minutemaid taste test.
5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
7. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
8. Your front porch collapses and kills more than
three dogs.
10. You've ever used lard in bed.
11. Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable
spool.
12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
13. You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
14. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
15. Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
16. You've ever been arrested for loitering.
17. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors
d'ouvre.
18. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
19. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your
front door to make it look nice.
20. You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
21. You own a homemade fur coat.
22. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
23. Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
24. You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
25. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently
on the floorboard of your car.
********************************
Biblical
Question
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new
teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time
for the usual question period.
"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Joey, "there's
somethin' I can't figger out."
"What's that Joey?" asked Goldblatt.
"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel
crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines,
right?"
"Er--right."
"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an'
the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the
Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin'
important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So
what's your question?"
"What I wanna know is this," demanded Joey. "What wuz
all the grown-ups doin"?
********************************
From July 1996 READER'S DIGEST:
SHOOTING FROM THE LIP
Contributed by Todd W. Kaiser
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my
children's world travels: one son was teaching in
Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my
daughter was completing a yearlong research project in
India. One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me
short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes
your kids want to get so far away?"
********************************
I had just arrived on the scene where a fellow
patrol officer had stopped a motorist for a traffic
violation. Standing outside his expensive foreign
car, the red-faced driver was frantically waiving his
hands and jumping up and down. "I'll have your job
for this!" he shouted at the top of his lungs.
"Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied my
unruffled colleague as he wrote out the citation.
"The hours are long, the pay is low and you meet some
of the nastiest people."
********************************
HOW'S THAT AGAIN?
On a coupon for a deli in Ringoes, N.J.: "Present
this ad and receive Free Small Italian with purchase
of a six-pack of soda."
>From a notice announcing a trip to Alaska in the
Glastonbury, Conn., RIVEREAST NEWS BULLETIN: "Four
days of cursing and relaxing aboard the Sun Princess."
Sign posted in front of a restaurant in Spring, Texas:
"Evening special. Men dine half-price when
accompanied by a lady of equal or lesser value."
********************************
QUOTABLE QUOTES
The trouble with talking too fast is you may say
something you haven't thought of yet. Ann Landers
A true measure of your worth includes all the benefits
others have gained from your success. Cullen
Hightower
The most important outcome of education is to help
students become independent of formal education. Paul
E. Gray in TECHNOLOGY REVIEW
It is easier to love humanity as a whole than to love
one's neighbor. Eric Hoffer
Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you
feel like stripping your gears. Barbara Johnson
Having children makes you no more a parent than having
a piano makes you a pianist. Michael Levine
We learn only when it is too late that the marvel is
the passing moment. Francios Mitterand
Ninety percent of politics is deciding whom to blame.
Meg Greenfield in NEWSWEEK
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Friday, July 22, 2005
hUMOR For July 22nd
********************************
Shopping Methodology
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man
shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list,
and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we
really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
********************************
The Hokey Pokey
*The Hokey Pokey*Original Lyrics
Put your left foot in,Your left foot out,Your left foot in,And shake it all about.You do the hokey pokeyAnd turn yourself aroundThat's what it's all about.
*The Hokey Pokey*Shakespearean Style
O proud left foot, that ventures quick withinThen soon upon a backward journey lithe.Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
********************************
CleanQuote.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.... So I took her to a gas station!
********************************
Secret Sin
My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.
As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked the car.
********************************
Your bedroom isn't cluttered. It's just "passage
restrictive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social
speed bumps."
You're not late. You just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day. You're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You're not long-winded. You're just "abundantly verbal."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy
transmission of near-factual information."
AND FOR STUDENTS...
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's
"digestively challenged."
No one fails a class anymore. He's merely "passing
impaired."
You don't have detention. You're just one of the "exit delayed."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk. It's just "closure prohibitive."
Your homework isn't missing. It's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class. You're "rationing
consciousness."
You don't have smelly gym socks. You have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating
in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're
"going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
********************************
Why does everything seem to fall
apart this time of year!???
The guy that fixes things went in to the dryer &
pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. We always
clean the lint from the filter after every load of
clothes. He told us that he wanted to show us
something. He took the filter over to the sink & ran
hot water over it.
Now, the lint filter is made of a mesh material - I'm
sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks
like. WELL......the hot water just sat on top of the
mesh!!! It didn't go through it at all!!!
He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that
mesh & that's what burns out the heating unit. You
can't SEE the film, but it's there.
He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a
very long time (& to keep your electric bill lower) is
to take that filter out & wash it with hot soapy water
& an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every
six months. He said that makes the life of the dryer
at least twice as long! How about that???!!!! Learn
something new everyday! I certainly didn't know dryer
sheets would do that. So, I thought I'd share!
Note: I went to my dryer & tested my screen by
running water on it. The water ran thru a little bit
but mostly collected all the water in the mesh screen.
I washed it with warm soapy water & a nylon brush & I
had it done in 30 seconds. Then when I rinsed it the
water ran right thru the screen! There wasn't any
puddling at all! That repairman knew what he was
talking about!
********************************
Buy a BibleA pastor concluded that his church was getting into serious financialtroubles.While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons ofnew bibles that had never been opened and distributed.So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from thecongregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter, Paul,and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen andwere likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts aboutLouie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because hewas embarrassed by his speech impediment.Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, theminister decided to let him try anyway.He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their carsstacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report theresults of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediatelyasked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my salesprowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected onbehalf of the church.""Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You areindeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the churchlast week?"Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I am aprofessional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, andhere's $280 I collected."The minister responded, " That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You aretruly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, didyou manage to sell any bibles last week?"Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend openedit and counted the contents."What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here!Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door,in just one week? Louie just nodded.That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We areprofessional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many biblesas we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I thinkyou'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-forsh -sh-sh-sure," he stammered.Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell uswhat you said to them when they answered the door!""A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-wouldy-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-biblef-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-justl-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-t-0toy-y-you??"
Shopping Methodology
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man
shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list,
and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we
really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
********************************
The Hokey Pokey
*The Hokey Pokey*Original Lyrics
Put your left foot in,Your left foot out,Your left foot in,And shake it all about.You do the hokey pokeyAnd turn yourself aroundThat's what it's all about.
*The Hokey Pokey*Shakespearean Style
O proud left foot, that ventures quick withinThen soon upon a backward journey lithe.Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke.A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
********************************
CleanQuote.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.... So I took her to a gas station!
********************************
Secret Sin
My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.
As soon as they were out of sight, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked the car.
********************************
Your bedroom isn't cluttered. It's just "passage
restrictive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social
speed bumps."
You're not late. You just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day. You're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You're not long-winded. You're just "abundantly verbal."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy
transmission of near-factual information."
AND FOR STUDENTS...
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's
"digestively challenged."
No one fails a class anymore. He's merely "passing
impaired."
You don't have detention. You're just one of the "exit delayed."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk. It's just "closure prohibitive."
Your homework isn't missing. It's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class. You're "rationing
consciousness."
You don't have smelly gym socks. You have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating
in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're
"going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
********************************
Why does everything seem to fall
apart this time of year!???
The guy that fixes things went in to the dryer &
pulled out the lint filter. It was clean. We always
clean the lint from the filter after every load of
clothes. He told us that he wanted to show us
something. He took the filter over to the sink & ran
hot water over it.
Now, the lint filter is made of a mesh material - I'm
sure you know what your dryer's lint filter looks
like. WELL......the hot water just sat on top of the
mesh!!! It didn't go through it at all!!!
He told us that dryer sheets cause a film over that
mesh & that's what burns out the heating unit. You
can't SEE the film, but it's there.
He said the best way to keep your dryer working for a
very long time (& to keep your electric bill lower) is
to take that filter out & wash it with hot soapy water
& an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every
six months. He said that makes the life of the dryer
at least twice as long! How about that???!!!! Learn
something new everyday! I certainly didn't know dryer
sheets would do that. So, I thought I'd share!
Note: I went to my dryer & tested my screen by
running water on it. The water ran thru a little bit
but mostly collected all the water in the mesh screen.
I washed it with warm soapy water & a nylon brush & I
had it done in 30 seconds. Then when I rinsed it the
water ran right thru the screen! There wasn't any
puddling at all! That repairman knew what he was
talking about!
********************************
Buy a BibleA pastor concluded that his church was getting into serious financialtroubles.While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons ofnew bibles that had never been opened and distributed.So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from thecongregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10each to raise the desperately needed money for the church. Peter, Paul,and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen andwere likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts aboutLouie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because hewas embarrassed by his speech impediment.Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, theminister decided to let him try anyway.He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their carsstacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report theresults of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediatelyasked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Using my salesprowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected onbehalf of the church.""Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You areindeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the churchlast week?"Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied," I am aprofessional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, andhere's $280 I collected."The minister responded, " That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You aretruly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, didyou manage to sell any bibles last week?"Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend openedit and counted the contents."What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here!Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door,in just one week? Louie just nodded.That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We areprofessional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many biblesas we could." "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I thinkyou'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-forsh -sh-sh-sure," he stammered.Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell uswhat you said to them when they answered the door!""A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-wouldy-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-biblef-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-justl-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-t-0toy-y-you??"
Thursday, July 21, 2005
hUMOR For July 21st
********************************
Perfectly Made
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
The proper response to "Good morning", is not "Prove it!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Customs Declaration
After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing, Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up and check. In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a bottle of cognac.
"Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"
"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap."
********************************
This is my first day out of mourning. My cousin died. He was
a dyslexic policeman who had a heart attack. They found him
by the phone trying to dial 119. - Joan Rivers
I learned something the other day. I learned the Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them. --Bruce Clark
Did you hear about those two students in New York who sued
Pace University because the math in their computer course
was too hard? They won $1,000, but actually, the school got
the last laugh. They gave the kids $700 and told them it was $1,000. - Jay Leno
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: "Basement?" - Rodney Dangerfield
The only time you don't need a prenuptial is if he has no children...he's got a bad cough and a walker. --Ivana Trump (on ex-husband Donald)
It's good to be back in New York but the crime situation has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane the pilot was putting the 'club' on the steering wheel. - John Mendoza
What a life. When I was a kid I asked my dad if I could go
ice skating. He told me to wait until it gets warmer. --
Rodney Dangerfield
The last time I tried to get into the normal work force the
guy told me I had to wear high heels. I'll wear the high
heels but I am going to need a handicapped parking space. -- Margaret Smith
********************************
Ineffective Daily Affirmations
- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
- I am at one with my duality.
- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone.
- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
********************************
MY MOTHER THE TEACHER
My Mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you are going to kill each other, do it outside--
I just finished cleaning"
My Mother taught me RELIGION
"you better pray that will come out of the carpet"
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, i'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week"
My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, That's why"
My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in
an accident"
My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about"
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper"
My mother taught me to be a CONTORTIONIST
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all the spiniach is finished"
My mother taught me about the WEATHER
"It looks like a tornado swept through your room ".
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward
you--would you listen?"
My mother taught me HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million
times--Don't Exaggerate!"
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I Brought you into this world, and I can take you
out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are million of less fortunate children in this
world who wish they had food-- now eat everything on
your plate!"
THANKS; MOM!
********************************
CleanLaugh.
It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week."
Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, "It's not all my fault either; she's tough to get along with."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Some people are making such thorough preparations for a rainy day that they completely miss today's sunshine."
********************************
Some memorable quotes from Bob Hope:
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 ", I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY, "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS, "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES, "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
********************************
Some memorable quotes from Bob Hope:
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 ", I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY, "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS, "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES, "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
Perfectly Made
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.
I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.
He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
The proper response to "Good morning", is not "Prove it!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Customs Declaration
After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing, Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up and check. In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a bottle of cognac.
"Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"
"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap."
********************************
This is my first day out of mourning. My cousin died. He was
a dyslexic policeman who had a heart attack. They found him
by the phone trying to dial 119. - Joan Rivers
I learned something the other day. I learned the Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them. --Bruce Clark
Did you hear about those two students in New York who sued
Pace University because the math in their computer course
was too hard? They won $1,000, but actually, the school got
the last laugh. They gave the kids $700 and told them it was $1,000. - Jay Leno
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: "Basement?" - Rodney Dangerfield
The only time you don't need a prenuptial is if he has no children...he's got a bad cough and a walker. --Ivana Trump (on ex-husband Donald)
It's good to be back in New York but the crime situation has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane the pilot was putting the 'club' on the steering wheel. - John Mendoza
What a life. When I was a kid I asked my dad if I could go
ice skating. He told me to wait until it gets warmer. --
Rodney Dangerfield
The last time I tried to get into the normal work force the
guy told me I had to wear high heels. I'll wear the high
heels but I am going to need a handicapped parking space. -- Margaret Smith
********************************
Ineffective Daily Affirmations
- All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
- I am at one with my duality.
- Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
- I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
- I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
- False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
- A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
- Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
- Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute...I'll find someone.
- Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
- The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
- I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
- Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming my parents.
- To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
- I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
********************************
MY MOTHER THE TEACHER
My Mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you are going to kill each other, do it outside--
I just finished cleaning"
My Mother taught me RELIGION
"you better pray that will come out of the carpet"
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, i'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week"
My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, That's why"
My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in
an accident"
My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about"
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper"
My mother taught me to be a CONTORTIONIST
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all the spiniach is finished"
My mother taught me about the WEATHER
"It looks like a tornado swept through your room ".
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward
you--would you listen?"
My mother taught me HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million
times--Don't Exaggerate!"
My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I Brought you into this world, and I can take you
out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are million of less fortunate children in this
world who wish they had food-- now eat everything on
your plate!"
THANKS; MOM!
********************************
CleanLaugh.
It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week."
Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, "It's not all my fault either; she's tough to get along with."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Some people are making such thorough preparations for a rainy day that they completely miss today's sunshine."
********************************
Some memorable quotes from Bob Hope:
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 ", I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY, "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS, "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES, "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
********************************
Some memorable quotes from Bob Hope:
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 ", I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY, "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS, "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES, "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
hUMOR For July 20th
********************************
Skiing Experience
Miss the experience of skiing? Try the following to get that feeling back.
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in bad weather and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"You can really tell when you've grown up. It's the day that you can sit down and have a truly hearty laugh -- at yourself."
********************************
Compromise and Adjustment
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags thatsay: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
********************************
Dawson and his wife, Jennifer, had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
Dawson did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a
brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
********************************
First Time in Church
The little girl went to church for the first time. As she was leaving with
her parents, the minister asked how she had liked church.
"I liked the music," she replied, "but the commercial was too long."
********************************
My wife, who is blonde
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the
driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I
didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought,
what the heck and I started jumping up and down along
with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news
for you!" I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so
happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing
heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she
told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and
kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I
couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more." I asked,
"What do you mean, more?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we
are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting
pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to
Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test
kit and both tests came out positive!"
********************************
Anesthesiology Bill
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $1200 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.
"Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 1200 dollars is for bringing you back around."
Skiing Experience
Miss the experience of skiing? Try the following to get that feeling back.
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in bad weather and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday.
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"You can really tell when you've grown up. It's the day that you can sit down and have a truly hearty laugh -- at yourself."
********************************
Compromise and Adjustment
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags thatsay: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
********************************
Dawson and his wife, Jennifer, had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200
in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
Dawson did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a
brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
********************************
First Time in Church
The little girl went to church for the first time. As she was leaving with
her parents, the minister asked how she had liked church.
"I liked the music," she replied, "but the commercial was too long."
********************************
My wife, who is blonde
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the
driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I
didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought,
what the heck and I started jumping up and down along
with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news
for you!" I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so
happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing
heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she
told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and
kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I
couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more." I asked,
"What do you mean, more?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we
are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting
pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to
Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test
kit and both tests came out positive!"
********************************
Anesthesiology Bill
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $1200 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.
"Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 1200 dollars is for bringing you back around."
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
hUMOR For July 19th
********************************
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives,
so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
********************************
Insurance Reflection
Bill's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.
Polly told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"In high school, I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun - that may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy." - Rita Rudner
********************************
Housework
I was tidying up the house but finding the task difficult because of a pulled muscle in my lower back.
As I was collecting the trash, something fell to the floor. Taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the pain, I stooped to retrieve the item.
I couldn't help laughing when I realized it was an envelope marked "Do Not Bend."
********************************
A neighbor of mine took off with his family to see the country. When he returned, I asked how he enjoyed the vacation.
He replied, "Have you ever spent 3 weeks in a mini-van with those you thought you loved?"
********************************
Car vs. Truck
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.
He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little
sports-like car so she could zip through traffic
around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old
truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out
of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0
to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My
birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a
brand new bathroom scale...
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
********************************
Oreo Test....
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which
people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into
their personalities. Choose which method best
describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time.
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results
of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like
Oreo.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with
abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree
with some hint of recklessness. You are totally
irresponsible. No one should trust you with their
children.
2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the
5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very
same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but
that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You're
very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every
detail with every thing you do to the point of being
anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of
the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed
limit.
4. Feverous nibbles. Your boss likes you because you
get your work done quickly. You always have a million
things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always
up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences
and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are
in total denial about the shambles you call a life.
You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You
have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in
breaking things apart to find out how they work,
though not always able to put them back together, so
you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You
deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the
cookie. You are good at business and take risk that
pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest
away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings
for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But
that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away
from small furry animals and seek professional medical
help - immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo
cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and
like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale
restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the
things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just
right. You like to be pampered. You are a prim. Nobody
likes you.
********************************
DEATH OF AN INNOCENT
I went to a party, Mom, I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom, so I drank soda
instead. I really felt proud inside, Mom, the way you
said I would. I didn't drink and drive, Mom, even
though the others said I should.
I know I did the right thing, Mom, I know you are
always right. Now the party is finally ending, Mom, as
everyone is driving out of sight. As I got into my
car, Mom, I knew I'd get home in one piece. Because of
the way you raised me, so responsible and sweet.
I started to drive away, Mom, but as I pulled out into
the road, the other car didn't see me, Mom, and hit me
like a load. As I lay there on the pavement, Mom, I
hear the policeman say, the other guy is drunk, Mom,
and now I'm the one who will pay.
I'm lying here dying, Mom. I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom? My life just burst
like a balloon. There is blood all around me, Mom, and
most of it is mine. I hear the medic say, Mom, I'll
die in a short time.
I just wanted to tell you, Mom, I swear I didn't
drink. It was the others, Mom. The others didn't
think. He was probably at the same party as I. The
only difference is, he drank and I will die.
Why do people drink, Mom? It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now. Pains just like a knife.
The guy who hit me is walking, Mom, and I don't think
it's fair. I'm lying here dying and all he can do is
stare.
Tell my brother not to cry, Mom. Tell Daddy to be
brave. And when I go to heaven, Mom, put "Daddy's
Girl" on my grave Someone should have told him, Mom,
not to drink and drive. If only they had told him,
Mom, I would still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom. I'm becoming very
scared. Please don't cry for me, Mom. When I needed
you, you were always there. I have one last question,
Mom, before I say good bye. I didn't drink and drive,
so why am I the one to die?
-Anonymous
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives,
so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
********************************
Insurance Reflection
Bill's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.
Polly told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"In high school, I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun - that may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy." - Rita Rudner
********************************
Housework
I was tidying up the house but finding the task difficult because of a pulled muscle in my lower back.
As I was collecting the trash, something fell to the floor. Taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the pain, I stooped to retrieve the item.
I couldn't help laughing when I realized it was an envelope marked "Do Not Bend."
********************************
A neighbor of mine took off with his family to see the country. When he returned, I asked how he enjoyed the vacation.
He replied, "Have you ever spent 3 weeks in a mini-van with those you thought you loved?"
********************************
Car vs. Truck
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.
He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little
sports-like car so she could zip through traffic
around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old
truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out
of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0
to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will do. My
birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
He did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a
brand new bathroom scale...
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
********************************
Oreo Test....
Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which
people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into
their personalities. Choose which method best
describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time.
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results
of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like
Oreo.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with
abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree
with some hint of recklessness. You are totally
irresponsible. No one should trust you with their
children.
2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the
5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very
same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but
that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.
3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You're
very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every
detail with every thing you do to the point of being
anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of
the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed
limit.
4. Feverous nibbles. Your boss likes you because you
get your work done quickly. You always have a million
things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always
up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences
and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are
in total denial about the shambles you call a life.
You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You
have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in
breaking things apart to find out how they work,
though not always able to put them back together, so
you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You
deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the
cookie. You are good at business and take risk that
pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest
away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings
for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But
that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away
from small furry animals and seek professional medical
help - immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo
cookies. You probably come from a rich family, and
like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale
restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the
things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just
right. You like to be pampered. You are a prim. Nobody
likes you.
********************************
DEATH OF AN INNOCENT
I went to a party, Mom, I remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom, so I drank soda
instead. I really felt proud inside, Mom, the way you
said I would. I didn't drink and drive, Mom, even
though the others said I should.
I know I did the right thing, Mom, I know you are
always right. Now the party is finally ending, Mom, as
everyone is driving out of sight. As I got into my
car, Mom, I knew I'd get home in one piece. Because of
the way you raised me, so responsible and sweet.
I started to drive away, Mom, but as I pulled out into
the road, the other car didn't see me, Mom, and hit me
like a load. As I lay there on the pavement, Mom, I
hear the policeman say, the other guy is drunk, Mom,
and now I'm the one who will pay.
I'm lying here dying, Mom. I wish you'd get here soon.
How could this happen to me, Mom? My life just burst
like a balloon. There is blood all around me, Mom, and
most of it is mine. I hear the medic say, Mom, I'll
die in a short time.
I just wanted to tell you, Mom, I swear I didn't
drink. It was the others, Mom. The others didn't
think. He was probably at the same party as I. The
only difference is, he drank and I will die.
Why do people drink, Mom? It can ruin your whole life.
I'm feeling sharp pains now. Pains just like a knife.
The guy who hit me is walking, Mom, and I don't think
it's fair. I'm lying here dying and all he can do is
stare.
Tell my brother not to cry, Mom. Tell Daddy to be
brave. And when I go to heaven, Mom, put "Daddy's
Girl" on my grave Someone should have told him, Mom,
not to drink and drive. If only they had told him,
Mom, I would still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom. I'm becoming very
scared. Please don't cry for me, Mom. When I needed
you, you were always there. I have one last question,
Mom, before I say good bye. I didn't drink and drive,
so why am I the one to die?
-Anonymous
Monday, July 18, 2005
hUMOR For July 18th
********************************
Come and Get Me
My brother dropped off his wife at the hairstylist and she was supposed to call me when she was ready to be picked up. She must have dialed a wrong number, she reported later.
She called, and a man said "Hello," to which she cheerfully said, "Come and get me!"
The man said, "Are you sure? This is Mitchell's funeral home."
********************************
Trivia Game
Can you guess which of the following are true and
which are false?
Read each carefully and decide which are true and
which are false:
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking
you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth
every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from
being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even
your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites
every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear
until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years
waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any
other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the
sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind
themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit
and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in
"An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South
Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a
mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in
place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on
the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903
used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical
cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in
vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would
be green.
See answers below
The questions above... They are all true!!!!!!
Now go back and think about #16 again.
Come and Get Me
My brother dropped off his wife at the hairstylist and she was supposed to call me when she was ready to be picked up. She must have dialed a wrong number, she reported later.
She called, and a man said "Hello," to which she cheerfully said, "Come and get me!"
The man said, "Are you sure? This is Mitchell's funeral home."
********************************
Trivia Game
Can you guess which of the following are true and
which are false?
Read each carefully and decide which are true and
which are false:
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking
you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth
every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from
being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even
your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites
every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear
until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years
waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any
other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the
sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind
themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit
and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in
"An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South
Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a
mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in
place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on
the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903
used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical
cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in
vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would
be green.
See answers below
The questions above... They are all true!!!!!!
Now go back and think about #16 again.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
hUMOR For July 17th
********************************
Ten Dresses
My mom got mad at my dad the other day and went shopping to relieve her irritation. When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses.
"Ten!" he hollered, "What could any woman want with ten new dresses??"
My mom calmly replied, "Ten new pairs of shoes."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Christians are called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges."
********************************
Marine Comeback
During mail call one evening at Marine Corps boot camp, I received several
letters from home. The drill instructor was getting irritated at having to
keep calling my name. "You must have a lot of people at home who like you,
huh?" he barked.
"Sir, no, sir!" I shouted.
"Oh, so you're calling me a liar?" goaded the DI.
Trained as a Marine to think quickly on my feet, I yelled out, "Sir,
creditors, sir!"
The DI had to leave the room so we wouldn't see him laughing.
********************************
The New English
The European Commission has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official
language of the European Union rather than German,
which was th other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan
that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with
joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This
should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one
less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with
"f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
kan be expekted to reach the stage where more
komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double
letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate
speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent
"e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go
away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vords kontaining "ou"and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil
hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil
find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united
urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German
like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
********************************
A woman writes:
My son serves in the military. He is still stateside
right now. He called me yesterday to let me know how
warm and welcoming people were to him, and his troops, everywhere he goes, telling me how people shake their hands, and thank them for being willing to serve, and fight, for not only our own freedoms but so that others ! may have them also.
But he also told me about an incident in the grocery
store he stopped at yesterday, on his way home from
the base. He said that ahead of several people in
front of him stood a woman dressed in a burkha.
He said when she got to the cashier she loudly
remarked about the US. flag lapel pin the cashier wore
on her smock.
The cashier reached up and touched the pin, and said
proudly, "Yes, I always wear it and I probably always
will."
The woman in the burkha then asked the cashier when
she was going to stop bombing her countrymen,
explaining that she was Iraqi.
A gentleman standing behind my son stepped forward,
putting his arm around my son's shoulders, and
nodding towards my son, said in a calm and gentle
voice to the Iraqi woman:
"Lady, hundreds of thousands of men and women like
this young man have fought and died so that YOU could
stand here, in MY country and accuse a check-out
cashier of bombing YOUR countrymen. It is my belief
that had you been this outspoken in YOUR own country,
we wouldn't need to be there today. But, hey, if you
have now learned how to speak out so loudly and
clearly, I'll gladly buy you a ticket and pay your way
back to Iraq so you can straighten out the mess in
YOUR country that you are obviously here in MY country
to avoid."
Everyone within hearing distance cheered!
Ten Dresses
My mom got mad at my dad the other day and went shopping to relieve her irritation. When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses.
"Ten!" he hollered, "What could any woman want with ten new dresses??"
My mom calmly replied, "Ten new pairs of shoes."
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Christians are called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges."
********************************
Marine Comeback
During mail call one evening at Marine Corps boot camp, I received several
letters from home. The drill instructor was getting irritated at having to
keep calling my name. "You must have a lot of people at home who like you,
huh?" he barked.
"Sir, no, sir!" I shouted.
"Oh, so you're calling me a liar?" goaded the DI.
Trained as a Marine to think quickly on my feet, I yelled out, "Sir,
creditors, sir!"
The DI had to leave the room so we wouldn't see him laughing.
********************************
The New English
The European Commission has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official
language of the European Union rather than German,
which was th other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan
that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with
joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This
should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one
less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond
year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with
"f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling
kan be expekted to reach the stage where more
komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double
letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate
speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent
"e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go
away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from
vords kontaining "ou"and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil
hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil
find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united
urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German
like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
********************************
A woman writes:
My son serves in the military. He is still stateside
right now. He called me yesterday to let me know how
warm and welcoming people were to him, and his troops, everywhere he goes, telling me how people shake their hands, and thank them for being willing to serve, and fight, for not only our own freedoms but so that others ! may have them also.
But he also told me about an incident in the grocery
store he stopped at yesterday, on his way home from
the base. He said that ahead of several people in
front of him stood a woman dressed in a burkha.
He said when she got to the cashier she loudly
remarked about the US. flag lapel pin the cashier wore
on her smock.
The cashier reached up and touched the pin, and said
proudly, "Yes, I always wear it and I probably always
will."
The woman in the burkha then asked the cashier when
she was going to stop bombing her countrymen,
explaining that she was Iraqi.
A gentleman standing behind my son stepped forward,
putting his arm around my son's shoulders, and
nodding towards my son, said in a calm and gentle
voice to the Iraqi woman:
"Lady, hundreds of thousands of men and women like
this young man have fought and died so that YOU could
stand here, in MY country and accuse a check-out
cashier of bombing YOUR countrymen. It is my belief
that had you been this outspoken in YOUR own country,
we wouldn't need to be there today. But, hey, if you
have now learned how to speak out so loudly and
clearly, I'll gladly buy you a ticket and pay your way
back to Iraq so you can straighten out the mess in
YOUR country that you are obviously here in MY country
to avoid."
Everyone within hearing distance cheered!
Saturday, July 16, 2005
hUMOR For July 16th
********************************
Weight Report
A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"I have a speech impediment... my foot."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Rock and Roll
With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't the world's greatest rock stars.
I mean, everyone knows that the heart of rock and roll is the beet.
********************************
In 1996, Dolly the sheep was born.
Dolly was the first mammal cloned from a cell taken
from an adult animal. She was, according to the
Institute, "Derived from cells that had been taken
from the udder of a 6-year old Finn Dorset ewe and
cultured for several weeks in the laboratory."
MARY AND THE LAMB
Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was slightly gray
It didn't have a father
Just some borrowed DNA
It sort of had a mother
Though the ovum was on loan
It was not so much a lambkin
As a little lamby clone
And soon it had a fellow clone
And soon it had some more
They followed her to school one day
All cramming through the door
It made the children laugh and sing
The teachers found it droll
There were too many lamby clones
For Mary to control
No other could control the sheep
Since their programs didn't vary
So the scientists resolved it all
By simply cloning Mary
But now they feel quite sheepish
Those scientists unwary
One problem solved,
but what to do With Mary, Mary, Mary...
********************************
THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE:
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a
free trip around the sun every year.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the
longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you
left open.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often
much jollier than the people who have to wait for
them?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside
of us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come
nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may
also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it
happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp,
some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but they all exist
very nicely in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery
on a detour.
Have an awesome day, and know that someone who thinks
you're great has thought about you today!..
Working for God on earth does not pay much, but His
Retirement plan is out of this world.
Weight Report
A small town doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 32 lb. 10 oz.
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"I have a speech impediment... my foot."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Rock and Roll
With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't the world's greatest rock stars.
I mean, everyone knows that the heart of rock and roll is the beet.
********************************
In 1996, Dolly the sheep was born.
Dolly was the first mammal cloned from a cell taken
from an adult animal. She was, according to the
Institute, "Derived from cells that had been taken
from the udder of a 6-year old Finn Dorset ewe and
cultured for several weeks in the laboratory."
MARY AND THE LAMB
Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was slightly gray
It didn't have a father
Just some borrowed DNA
It sort of had a mother
Though the ovum was on loan
It was not so much a lambkin
As a little lamby clone
And soon it had a fellow clone
And soon it had some more
They followed her to school one day
All cramming through the door
It made the children laugh and sing
The teachers found it droll
There were too many lamby clones
For Mary to control
No other could control the sheep
Since their programs didn't vary
So the scientists resolved it all
By simply cloning Mary
But now they feel quite sheepish
Those scientists unwary
One problem solved,
but what to do With Mary, Mary, Mary...
********************************
THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE:
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a
free trip around the sun every year.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the
longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you
left open.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often
much jollier than the people who have to wait for
them?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside
of us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come
nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may
also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because it's over; smile because it
happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp,
some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors....but they all exist
very nicely in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery
on a detour.
Have an awesome day, and know that someone who thinks
you're great has thought about you today!..
Working for God on earth does not pay much, but His
Retirement plan is out of this world.
Friday, July 15, 2005
hUMOR For July 15th
********************************
Coverup Catch
This guy had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
********************************
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible.The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the bird's legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.
The student looked at each of the birds legs. They all
looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed
up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?"
With that he threw his test down on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name; as the student reached the door, the professor called out, "Mister, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!"
********************************
Thanks to LBS: Subject: Roe V. Wade.......USC Blonde
Version
Bambi, the blonde in her fourth year as a freshman at
USC, sat in her Political Science class. The professor
asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi thought a moment, then answered, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make when he decided
to cross the Delaware."
********************************
I promised my wife a mink for her birthday -- if she
would promise to keep his cage clean.
********************************
If you take an Chinese person, close his eyes and spin
him around several times, does he become disoriented?
********************************
The easiest way to find something lost around the
house is to buy a replacement.
********************************
The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two
weeks."
"Was he successful?"
"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."
********************************
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After
the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can
a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed
that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know
that?" "Easy", the little boy said. "All you have to
do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4
worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
********************************
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy
suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided
to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church
on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to
stand up and yell than to sit and listen."
********************************
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer
at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes,
as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
********************************
A boy was watching his father, a preacher, write a
sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
********************************
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon
dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her
mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money
now, will he let us go?"
********************************
After the Christening of his baby brother in church,
little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat
of the car. His father asked him three times what was
wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want
to stay with you guys!"
********************************
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures
of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by
Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an
airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.
********************************
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me
frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir,"
little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a
good cook."
********************************
A college drama group presented a play in which one
character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I
descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull
a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character
would plunge through. The play was well received. When
the actor playing the part became ill, another actor
who was quite overweight took his place. When the new
actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand
pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but
became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the
rope could make him descend. One student in the
balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is
full!"
********************************
Withdrawal
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After
several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would
hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed ... and he was back to jumping
on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again,
were you?"
He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's
so hard to quit."
Coverup Catch
This guy had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
********************************
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible.The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the bird's legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.
The student looked at each of the birds legs. They all
looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed
up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?"
With that he threw his test down on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name; as the student reached the door, the professor called out, "Mister, what's your name?"
The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!"
********************************
Thanks to LBS: Subject: Roe V. Wade.......USC Blonde
Version
Bambi, the blonde in her fourth year as a freshman at
USC, sat in her Political Science class. The professor
asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi thought a moment, then answered, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make when he decided
to cross the Delaware."
********************************
I promised my wife a mink for her birthday -- if she
would promise to keep his cage clean.
********************************
If you take an Chinese person, close his eyes and spin
him around several times, does he become disoriented?
********************************
The easiest way to find something lost around the
house is to buy a replacement.
********************************
The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two
weeks."
"Was he successful?"
"Yup, I had to sell my car to pay his bill."
********************************
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After
the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can
a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed
that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know
that?" "Easy", the little boy said. "All you have to
do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4
worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
********************************
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy
suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided
to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church
on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to
stand up and yell than to sit and listen."
********************************
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer
at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes,
as we forgive those who passed trash against us."
********************************
A boy was watching his father, a preacher, write a
sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
********************************
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon
dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her
mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money
now, will he let us go?"
********************************
After the Christening of his baby brother in church,
little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat
of the car. His father asked him three times what was
wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he
wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want
to stay with you guys!"
********************************
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures
of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by
Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an
airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.
********************************
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me
frankly do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir,"
little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a
good cook."
********************************
A college drama group presented a play in which one
character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I
descend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull
a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character
would plunge through. The play was well received. When
the actor playing the part became ill, another actor
who was quite overweight took his place. When the new
actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand
pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but
became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the
rope could make him descend. One student in the
balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is
full!"
********************************
Withdrawal
Connie told her 4-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After
several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would
hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed ... and he was back to jumping
on the beds. Connie said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again,
were you?"
He stood with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying, but it's
so hard to quit."
Thursday, July 14, 2005
hUMOR For July 14th
********************************
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything
she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds
or less.
"And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services are pending.
********************************
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to
work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to
do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a
living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag
was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How some golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with.
Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of
the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size
six.
Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of
those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government.
This is soooTRUE! The worst drivers have signs
like
"Baby on Board"... etc.
Subject: A logical mistake.
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed
out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light
turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk,
even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof and the horn,
screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to
get through the intersection. As she was still in
mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up
into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her
hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was
searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed
in
a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached
the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back
to the booking desk where the arresting officer was
waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You
see, I pulled up behind your car while you were
blowing your
horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and
cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose
Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus
Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School'
bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian
fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
********************************
THE LIVING DEAD
The following two military stories are reported to be
true:
A young lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the
peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land
mines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we
do happen to step on a mine, sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in
the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
********************************
During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep
got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging
around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a
couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them
under the wheels to give us some traction."
********************************
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT
CAN'T
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're
full of baloney.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to
humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you
people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being
smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
message..
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand
a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the mess-up fairy has visited us
again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young
and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of
strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just
don't give a hoot.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over
your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial
misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged
by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't
mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine
is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of
Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are
largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny- opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with
fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most
of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you
missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a
door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door
#1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is
done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just
wanted pay checks.
********************************
New Preacher
As a new minister, I wanted my first holiday services
to be both attractive and meaningful.
The Christmas Eve service included a candle-lighting
ceremony in which each congregant lit a candle from
his neighbor's candle. At the conclusion of the
ceremony, the congregation sat hushed, pondering the
beauty of the moment.
I rose to announce a hymn and was taken completely by
surprise when laughter broke out in response to my
invitation:
"Now that everyone is lit, let's sing joy to the
world."
********************************
Universal Time
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours
the call center is open.
"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the
technician who answers the call.
Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything
she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds
or less.
"And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services are pending.
********************************
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to
work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to
do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a
living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag
was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How some golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with.
Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of
the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size
six.
Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of
those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government.
This is soooTRUE! The worst drivers have signs
like
"Baby on Board"... etc.
Subject: A logical mistake.
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed
out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light
turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk,
even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof and the horn,
screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to
get through the intersection. As she was still in
mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
up
into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her
hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was
searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed
in
a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached
the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back
to the booking desk where the arresting officer was
waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You
see, I pulled up behind your car while you were
blowing your
horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and
cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose
Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus
Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School'
bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian
fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
********************************
THE LIVING DEAD
The following two military stories are reported to be
true:
A young lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the
peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land
mines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we
do happen to step on a mine, sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in
the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
********************************
During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep
got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging
around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a
couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them
under the wheels to give us some traction."
********************************
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT
CAN'T
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're
full of baloney.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to
humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you
people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being
smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
message..
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand
a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the mess-up fairy has visited us
again...
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young
and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of
strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just
don't give a hoot.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over
your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial
misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged
by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't
mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine
is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of
Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are
largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny- opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with
fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most
of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you
missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a
door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door
#1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is
done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just
wanted pay checks.
********************************
New Preacher
As a new minister, I wanted my first holiday services
to be both attractive and meaningful.
The Christmas Eve service included a candle-lighting
ceremony in which each congregant lit a candle from
his neighbor's candle. At the conclusion of the
ceremony, the congregation sat hushed, pondering the
beauty of the moment.
I rose to announce a hymn and was taken completely by
surprise when laughter broke out in response to my
invitation:
"Now that everyone is lit, let's sing joy to the
world."
********************************
Universal Time
A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours
the call center is open.
"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the
technician who answers the call.
Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
hUMOR For July 13th
********************************
Since we kinda picked on women yesterday, it's the guys
turn. :)
1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These
men usually have jobs and bathe.
2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is
involved.
5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"
7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying
with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they
grow up identifying with Barbie.
8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've
never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
********************************
Hymns
One Sunday a preacher told the congregation that the
church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the preacher
glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a
$1,000 bill in the offering plate. He was so excited
that he immediately shared his joy with his
congregation and said he'd like to personally thank
the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the
back shyly raised her hand. The preacher asked her to
come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the
preacher. He told her how wonderful it was that she
gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out
three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the
congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in
the building and said, "I'll take him and him and
him!"
********************************
Hymns
One Sunday a preacher told the congregation that the
church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the preacher
glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a
$1,000 bill in the offering plate. He was so excited
that he immediately shared his joy with his
congregation and said he'd like to personally thank
the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the
back shyly raised her hand. The preacher asked her to
come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the
preacher. He told her how wonderful it was that she
gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out
three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the
congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in
the building and said, "I'll take him and him and
him!".
********************************
"R" Troubles
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it.
To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.'' In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.
The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"When you're young is the time to learn to laugh at trouble -- so you'll have something to laugh at when you are old."
********************************
Military Chat
During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew
on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One
day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was
surrounded by complex gear.
A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir,"
the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew. It's
like instant messaging."
Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several
feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!"
Since we kinda picked on women yesterday, it's the guys
turn. :)
1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These
men usually have jobs and bathe.
2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is
involved.
5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"
7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying
with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they
grow up identifying with Barbie.
8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've
never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
********************************
Hymns
One Sunday a preacher told the congregation that the
church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the preacher
glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a
$1,000 bill in the offering plate. He was so excited
that he immediately shared his joy with his
congregation and said he'd like to personally thank
the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the
back shyly raised her hand. The preacher asked her to
come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the
preacher. He told her how wonderful it was that she
gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out
three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the
congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in
the building and said, "I'll take him and him and
him!"
********************************
Hymns
One Sunday a preacher told the congregation that the
church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the preacher
glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a
$1,000 bill in the offering plate. He was so excited
that he immediately shared his joy with his
congregation and said he'd like to personally thank
the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the
back shyly raised her hand. The preacher asked her to
come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the
preacher. He told her how wonderful it was that she
gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out
three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the
congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in
the building and said, "I'll take him and him and
him!".
********************************
"R" Troubles
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it.
To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.'' In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.
The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''
********************************
Here is today's CleanQuote.
"When you're young is the time to learn to laugh at trouble -- so you'll have something to laugh at when you are old."
********************************
Military Chat
During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew
on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One
day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was
surrounded by complex gear.
A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir,"
the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew. It's
like instant messaging."
Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several
feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!"
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
hUMOR For July 12th
********************************
Rental Description
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving.
I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door."
After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Change is inevitable....except from vending machines."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Stained Glass
A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at Marblegate Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.
One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real pane!"
********************************
FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument
that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.
NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will
cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is a half an hour. It is equivalent to
the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your
toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a
woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down,
and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that
will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or
"do what you want because I don't care." You will get a
raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman
is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say
you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT: This is much different from ‘THANKS." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be care not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Oh Nothing."
********************************
Office Pranks for the Summer
1. Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "You're an idiot." They will usually panic and start scanning for viruses.
2. Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc. before they realize what has happened.
3. Another gem is to do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it, sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit.
4. This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick in a floppy in their floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.
5. Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will auto-play when windows first starts up. The person starting up their PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.
6. This is for that special person you just can't stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal email all day. Go into their email and change their defaults to automatically blind copy their boss. Heads will roll.
7. Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decaf. Wait about three weeks and switch to espresso.
8. Try password securing someone's screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to scrolling marquee and inserting your own word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats beans" or something to that effect.
9. Pop out the "m" and "n" key on someone's keyboard and reverse the two.Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.
10. With someone who is on the phone a lot during work. This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpiece inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpiece. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won't be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.
And finally...
11. Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection "fish head stew" etc. before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.
********************************
Parachute Error
While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air
National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47.
The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I
opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done.
Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain's calm
response. "Well, son," he said, "if this plane goes down, that chute is
yours."
Rental Description
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving.
I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door."
After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Change is inevitable....except from vending machines."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Stained Glass
A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at Marblegate Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass windows and told the congregation: "You know, these beautiful windows remind me of your pastor and his sermons. I'm afraid that I will be like that piece of cardboard in that broken window over there by comparison." After finishing a marvelous sermon, he said farewell to the people leaving.
One little old lady warmly shook his hand and gazing fondly up at him gushed: "Oh Pastor, you weren't just a piece of cardboard, you were a real pane!"
********************************
FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument
that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up.
NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will
cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is a half an hour. It is equivalent to
the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your
toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a
woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down,
and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that
will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or
"do what you want because I don't care." You will get a
raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman
is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say
you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT: This is much different from ‘THANKS." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be care not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Oh Nothing."
********************************
Office Pranks for the Summer
1. Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will send the novice user into frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to replace the word "the" with the phrase "You're an idiot." They will usually panic and start scanning for viruses.
2. Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc. before they realize what has happened.
3. Another gem is to do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the actual desktop wallpaper. The user will see their desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when they try to click on it, sending them into a rebooting and virus scanning fit.
4. This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge. Stick in a floppy in their floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.
5. Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal configurations the audio CD will auto-play when windows first starts up. The person starting up their PC in the morning will definitely be embarrassed.
6. This is for that special person you just can't stand in the office, the one who talks on the phone all day with their boyfriend/girlfriend and gets personal email all day. Go into their email and change their defaults to automatically blind copy their boss. Heads will roll.
7. Change the coffee in the office coffee maker to decaf. Wait about three weeks and switch to espresso.
8. Try password securing someone's screen saver. First I suggest changing the screen saver to scrolling marquee and inserting your own word or phrase, "Mr. Jones (president or supervisor) eats beans" or something to that effect.
9. Pop out the "m" and "n" key on someone's keyboard and reverse the two.Any flat tool will work. Just pry it with little pressure and they will easily come right off. Then just sit back and watch the confusion.
10. With someone who is on the phone a lot during work. This works if you have phones that the handset comes apart. Take the handset apart and put scotch tape over the mouthpiece inside. They can still be heard, but they have to talk loud to be heard. The next day take it off, and put it in the earpiece. Usually they will be yelling to the other person on the line the next day, and won't be able to hear them. When they complain about the phone, and get a replacement, do it on the next phone. After about a week you will notice the calls to be down considerably.
And finally...
11. Depending where you are at you may have a cafeteria in you place of work. Every week most of them put out a menu so you know what they are serving. Usually it is done on Word or Excel, and not extremely fancy. With a little work, matching fonts, and images you can make your own menus, and post them by your desk. We had one co-worker avoid the cafeteria for 2 weeks because of the selection "fish head stew" etc. before he caught on. Works great with picky eaters.
********************************
Parachute Error
While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air
National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47.
The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I
opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done.
Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain's calm
response. "Well, son," he said, "if this plane goes down, that chute is
yours."
Monday, July 11, 2005
hUMOR For July 11th
********************************
HEY, JUST HOW OLD ARE YOU?
My Dad was cleaning out my grandmother's house and he
brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the
bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.
I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no
idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt
shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat
on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes
with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am
old.
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with
nothing - and that was the closest our country has
ever been to being even." --Will Rogers
********************************
LEARNING FROM CHILDREN
The following are some "Important Things I've Learned
>From Kids" (author unknown):
1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.
2. If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the
couch.
3. Ask why until you understand.
4. Hang on tight.
5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and
haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a
sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
6. Make up the rules as you go along.
7. It doesn't matter who started it.
8. Ask for sprinkles.
9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog,
make it a dog.
10. Save a place in line for your friends.
11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've
finished studying.
12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a
horse.
13. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
14. Making your bed is a waste of time.
15. There is no good reason why clothes have to
match.
16. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he
absolutely had to.
17. You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you
hate to brake on the way down.
18. You can't ask to start over just because you're
losing the game.
It's an interesting collection of advice. Some of it
translates into good spiritual advice (#4, #13), some
of it doesn't (#2, #6). That's to be expected because
there are some aspects of childhood that we should
imitate (purity, humility, trust) and other aspects
that we should not (self-centeredness, ignorance, stubbornness).
In the scriptures, sometimes children are held up as
examples to us (Matt. 18:3-4) and sometimes those who
are like children are rebuked (Heb.5:12-14). And
sometimes both occur in the same verse (1 Cor. 14:20).
May we seek to add those beautiful "childlike"
qualities while seeking to mature and outgrow those
"childish" traits. Have a great day!
********************************
LEARNING FROM CHILDREN
The following are some "Important Things I've Learned
>From Kids" (author unknown):
1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.
2. If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the
couch.
3. Ask why until you understand.
4. Hang on tight.
5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and
haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a
sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
6. Make up the rules as you go along.
7. It doesn't matter who started it.
8. Ask for sprinkles.
9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog,
make it a dog.
10. Save a place in line for your friends.
11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've
finished studying.
12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a
horse.
13. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
14. Making your bed is a waste of time.
15. There is no good reason why clothes have to
match.
16. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he
absolutely had to.
17. You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you
hate to brake on the way down.
18. You can't ask to start over just because you're
losing the game.
It's an interesting collection of advice. Some of it
translates into good spiritual advice (#4, #13), some
of it doesn't (#2, #6). That's to be expected because
there are some aspects of childhood that we should
imitate (purity, humility, trust) and other aspects
that we should not (self-centeredness, ignorance, stubbornness).
In the scriptures, sometimes children are held up as
examples to us (Matt. 18:3-4) and sometimes those who
are like children are rebuked (Heb.5:12-14). And
sometimes both occur in the same verse (1 Cor. 14:20).
May we seek to add those beautiful "childlike"
qualities while seeking to mature and outgrow those
"childish" traits. Have a great day!
********************************
My Dog At It
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning That was about half the usual length of his sermons.
He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher as he was leaving, and said,
"Sir, if that dog of yours has any pups, I sure would like to get one to give to my minister!"
HEY, JUST HOW OLD ARE YOU?
My Dad was cleaning out my grandmother's house and he
brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the
bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.
I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no
idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt
shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat
on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes
with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am
old.
"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with
nothing - and that was the closest our country has
ever been to being even." --Will Rogers
********************************
LEARNING FROM CHILDREN
The following are some "Important Things I've Learned
>From Kids" (author unknown):
1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.
2. If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the
couch.
3. Ask why until you understand.
4. Hang on tight.
5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and
haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a
sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
6. Make up the rules as you go along.
7. It doesn't matter who started it.
8. Ask for sprinkles.
9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog,
make it a dog.
10. Save a place in line for your friends.
11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've
finished studying.
12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a
horse.
13. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
14. Making your bed is a waste of time.
15. There is no good reason why clothes have to
match.
16. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he
absolutely had to.
17. You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you
hate to brake on the way down.
18. You can't ask to start over just because you're
losing the game.
It's an interesting collection of advice. Some of it
translates into good spiritual advice (#4, #13), some
of it doesn't (#2, #6). That's to be expected because
there are some aspects of childhood that we should
imitate (purity, humility, trust) and other aspects
that we should not (self-centeredness, ignorance, stubbornness).
In the scriptures, sometimes children are held up as
examples to us (Matt. 18:3-4) and sometimes those who
are like children are rebuked (Heb.5:12-14). And
sometimes both occur in the same verse (1 Cor. 14:20).
May we seek to add those beautiful "childlike"
qualities while seeking to mature and outgrow those
"childish" traits. Have a great day!
********************************
LEARNING FROM CHILDREN
The following are some "Important Things I've Learned
>From Kids" (author unknown):
1. It's more fun to color outside the lines.
2. If you're gonna draw on the wall, do it behind the
couch.
3. Ask why until you understand.
4. Hang on tight.
5. Even if you've been fishing for 3 hours and
haven't gotten anything except poison ivy and a
sunburn, you're still better off than the worm.
6. Make up the rules as you go along.
7. It doesn't matter who started it.
8. Ask for sprinkles.
9. If the horse you're drawing looks more like a dog,
make it a dog.
10. Save a place in line for your friends.
11. Sometimes you have to take the test before you've
finished studying.
12. If you want a kitten, start out asking for a
horse.
13. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
14. Making your bed is a waste of time.
15. There is no good reason why clothes have to
match.
16. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he
absolutely had to.
17. You work so hard pedaling up the hill that you
hate to brake on the way down.
18. You can't ask to start over just because you're
losing the game.
It's an interesting collection of advice. Some of it
translates into good spiritual advice (#4, #13), some
of it doesn't (#2, #6). That's to be expected because
there are some aspects of childhood that we should
imitate (purity, humility, trust) and other aspects
that we should not (self-centeredness, ignorance, stubbornness).
In the scriptures, sometimes children are held up as
examples to us (Matt. 18:3-4) and sometimes those who
are like children are rebuked (Heb.5:12-14). And
sometimes both occur in the same verse (1 Cor. 14:20).
May we seek to add those beautiful "childlike"
qualities while seeking to mature and outgrow those
"childish" traits. Have a great day!
********************************
My Dog At It
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning That was about half the usual length of his sermons.
He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher as he was leaving, and said,
"Sir, if that dog of yours has any pups, I sure would like to get one to give to my minister!"
Sunday, July 10, 2005
hUMOR For July 10th
********************************
How Old?
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and
asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.
"Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?"
The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up
the other finger."
********************************
Dog Stop
Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.
The other dog says, "What was that about?"
The dog first dog says, "I was just checking my messages."
********************************
CleanQuote.
"People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention."
********************************
The Invitation
A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi
for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the
Captain was more than a little surprised to receive
the following letter from the wife of a wealthy
plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's, coming-of-age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."
Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a
rap at the door.
She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four
exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw
hit the floor, but pulling herself together she
stammered, "There must be some mistake!"
"Oh no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain
Martinez doesn't make mistakes."
********************************
Norwegian Blonde Joke
You have to have lived in snow country to appreciate
this one.
A truck stops at a red light and a blonde catches up.
She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the
window. The girl says "Hi, my name is Kristina and
you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
The trucker stops for another red light and the girl
again catches up. She knocks on the door and the
trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name is
Kristina and you are losing some of your load!" He
ignores her again and continues down the street. The
trucker stops for still another red light and the
girl catches up again all out of breath. She knocks on
the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again
she says, "Hi, y name is Kristina and you are losing
some of your load!"
He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then
stops. The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches
the blonde girl and says: "Hi, my name is Kevin and I
am driving a SALT TRUCK!"
********************************
The Pope...
The Pope was finishing his sermon and ended it with
the Latin phrase, "Tuti Hominus" -- Blessed be
mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next
day. They said we noticed that the Pope blessed all
mankind, but not womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by
saying, "Tuti Hominus et tuti Feminus." Blessed be
mankind and womankind.
The next day a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said they noticed that he blessed mankind and
womankind and asked if he could also bless all us
gays. The Pope said, "Sure." The next day he concluded
his sermon with: "Tuti hominus et tuti Feminus et Tuti
Fruity"
How Old?
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and
asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.
"Oh, you're 4," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?"
The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up
the other finger."
********************************
Dog Stop
Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.
The other dog says, "What was that about?"
The dog first dog says, "I was just checking my messages."
********************************
CleanQuote.
"People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention."
********************************
The Invitation
A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi
for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the
Captain was more than a little surprised to receive
the following letter from the wife of a wealthy
plantation owner:
"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's, coming-of-age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."
Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a
rap at the door.
She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four
exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw
hit the floor, but pulling herself together she
stammered, "There must be some mistake!"
"Oh no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain
Martinez doesn't make mistakes."
********************************
Norwegian Blonde Joke
You have to have lived in snow country to appreciate
this one.
A truck stops at a red light and a blonde catches up.
She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the
window. The girl says "Hi, my name is Kristina and
you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
The trucker stops for another red light and the girl
again catches up. She knocks on the door and the
trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name is
Kristina and you are losing some of your load!" He
ignores her again and continues down the street. The
trucker stops for still another red light and the
girl catches up again all out of breath. She knocks on
the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again
she says, "Hi, y name is Kristina and you are losing
some of your load!"
He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then
stops. The trucker gets out of the truck, approaches
the blonde girl and says: "Hi, my name is Kevin and I
am driving a SALT TRUCK!"
********************************
The Pope...
The Pope was finishing his sermon and ended it with
the Latin phrase, "Tuti Hominus" -- Blessed be
mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next
day. They said we noticed that the Pope blessed all
mankind, but not womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by
saying, "Tuti Hominus et tuti Feminus." Blessed be
mankind and womankind.
The next day a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said they noticed that he blessed mankind and
womankind and asked if he could also bless all us
gays. The Pope said, "Sure." The next day he concluded
his sermon with: "Tuti hominus et tuti Feminus et Tuti
Fruity"
Saturday, July 09, 2005
hUMOR For July 9th
********************************
The Girl of His Dreams
A young man in college called his mother and announced excitedly that he
had just met the girl of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card
invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the girl came to
dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
********************************
Wooden Bayonet
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead soldier.
At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, "Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill someone with it."
The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.
Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, 'Where on earth is the ceiling?!'"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Star Wars Eating
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Obi-Wan is deftly manipulating his chopsticks with the ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.
Anyway, poor old Luke is having a hard time, using his chop-sticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."
********************************
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the
Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.
Darwin Award Winners:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his
intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for
his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his
Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably,
he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store,
a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor
home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering human kind please share these
with your friends and family ... unless of course one of
these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
********************************
Older Than Dirt Quiz
Count all the ones that you remember - not the ones
you were told about! The Ratings are at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle
5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard
stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (ESsex 3 -
2654) My Folks actual Phone Number when I was a kid
living in Bremerton.
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Packard's
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0- 05 = You're still young
6-10 =You are getting older
11-15 = Don't tell your age,
16-25 = You're older than dirt!
Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends.
********************************
Simpler times
(Under 40, you won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
Good night, David; Good night, Chet."
Dependin' on the channel you tuned
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good, felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train
Superman, Jimmy & Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night--
Life looked better in black and white.
I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothin is the way it seems
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too much fight,
I wanna go back to black and white
In God they trusted, in bed they slept.
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good, felt so right
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite
If I could just turn back the clock tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from right
Life was better in black and white!
********************************
THAT FIRST KISS
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his
favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he
decides to try for that important first kiss. With an
air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the
wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout
a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will
see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all
sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
"Pleeeeease?..."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the
girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair
disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad
says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it.
Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But
for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the
intercom button!"
The Girl of His Dreams
A young man in college called his mother and announced excitedly that he
had just met the girl of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card
invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the girl came to
dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
********************************
Wooden Bayonet
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead soldier.
At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, "Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill someone with it."
The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.
Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."
********************************
Here is today's Oneliner.
"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, 'Where on earth is the ceiling?!'"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Star Wars Eating
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Obi-Wan is deftly manipulating his chopsticks with the ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.
Anyway, poor old Luke is having a hard time, using his chop-sticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."
********************************
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the
Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.
Darwin Award Winners:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his
intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for
his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his
Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably,
he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store,
a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man
walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor
home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering human kind please share these
with your friends and family ... unless of course one of
these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
********************************
Older Than Dirt Quiz
Count all the ones that you remember - not the ones
you were told about! The Ratings are at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle
5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard
stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P. F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (ESsex 3 -
2654) My Folks actual Phone Number when I was a kid
living in Bremerton.
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Packard's
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0- 05 = You're still young
6-10 =You are getting older
11-15 = Don't tell your age,
16-25 = You're older than dirt!
Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends.
********************************
Simpler times
(Under 40, you won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
Good night, David; Good night, Chet."
Dependin' on the channel you tuned
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good, felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train
Superman, Jimmy & Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night--
Life looked better in black and white.
I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothin is the way it seems
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too much fight,
I wanna go back to black and white
In God they trusted, in bed they slept.
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good, felt so right
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite
If I could just turn back the clock tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from right
Life was better in black and white!
********************************
THAT FIRST KISS
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his
favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he
decides to try for that important first kiss. With an
air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the
wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout
a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will
see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all
sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
"Pleeeeease?..."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the
girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair
disheveled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad
says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it.
Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But
for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the
intercom button!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)