********************************
A man was out sailing at sea in the middle of a storm when a particularly large wave overturned his boat. He fell into the sea and was forced to tread water to stay afloat.
He stayed there for several hours until a rescue helicopter flew overhead. A rope was lowered with a lifeguard worker on the end of it. He reached out to grab the man, but being very religious, he said, "No thank you. God will save me eventually." The helicopter flew off.
After another few hours, a lifeboat came along, but again
the man told them to go away, as God would save him.
Eventually, the man died of freezing in the water. As his
soul drifted up to heaven, he said to Saint Peter, "Why
didn't God save me?"
Saint Peter said, "He sent a rescue helicopter and a
lifeboat! What more did you want?"
********************************
A Catholic woman, a Protestant woman and a Jewish woman die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate to heaven.
The Catholic woman says, "I've been a good wife and mother, I took good care of my family and I want to go to heaven." St. Peter tells her to go to the left.
The Protestant woman says, "I've been a good woman. I kept my house clean and cooked and took care of my family, and went to church every Sunday." St. Peter tells her to step to the left also.
The Jewish woman tells St. Peter, "I've been a good woman, I made Shabbos every Friday, I went to the synagogue on the holidays, and took care of my family." St. Peter tells her to step to the right.
She immediately asks him, "Why did you tell me to go to the right and you told the other two women to go to the left?"
********************************
Redneck Painter
Gotta love them Rednecks !!! *j
Redneck Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon
people from all over the country were coming to him
for paintings. One day, a beautiful young woman pulled
up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe
Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was the
first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful
lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay
$50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his
cousin/wife Bobby Sue, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to
wait while he went in the house and conferred with his cousin/wife Bobby Sue. In a few minutes he re-turned and told the lady he was willing to do it. However, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.
(Yeah, I know... but it is very funny [to me] so I
used it anyway... ed.)
********************************
This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.
Out of the corner of his eye, the professor observed what the student was about to do and hurried over. After confirming this was what was intended, he asked the student to first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.
Puzzled, the student followed after him to ask the purpose of this action.
"It will give me time to run away," said the professor.
********************************
POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM
I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met
with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier
smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side
and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this
room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on
this gown. Everything clearrrr?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda--try decaf. This ain't rocket
science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of
horrors.
Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this
machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B
to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls
aren't made of sugar and spice and everything
nice.... it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and
twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and
still pop back into shape.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me
(literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you
stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can
get everything?"
Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of
air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my
legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity
(with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces
of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! "What?" I
yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag."
Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone,
are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ..
the door's wide open so you'll have the emer gency
hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And
that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me
dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part
smashed between glass! After exchanging polite "Hi,
how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly
Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the
power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much
calmness as possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye
as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery
store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish
grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement,
she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on
and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went
to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up
between the clamps........
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Monday, May 16, 2005
hUMOR For May 16th
********************************
A Blonde Joke
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left
ankle and screams, then she pushes her elbow and
screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and
screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, “You're not really a redhead, are
you?”
“Well, no…” she says, “I'm actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor says. “Your finger is
broken.”
********************************
The service area was located on a main highway leading to the beach. The pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to tank up. When a rusty old van containing a very tired looking couple and six screaming children pulled into his station, the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants.
"Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids there. Are they all yours or is this a picnic?"
Wearily, the driver replied, "Yes they are all mine and it's NO picnic!"
********************************
At his first service, the new preachers sermon was extremely long and dull. As he preached, he drank from pitcher of water until it was completely gone.
After the service, someone asked an old woman of the church, "How did you like the new pastor?"
"Fine," she said, "but he's the first windmill I ever saw that was run by water."
********************************
An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has."
They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has."
The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."
"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.
"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to draw on."
********************************
It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud. When she came to a young boy and asked his name, the boy replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee" he replied.
"How do you spell that? asked the teacher.
"My mother helps me" said the little boy.
A Blonde Joke
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left
ankle and screams, then she pushes her elbow and
screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and
screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, “You're not really a redhead, are
you?”
“Well, no…” she says, “I'm actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor says. “Your finger is
broken.”
********************************
The service area was located on a main highway leading to the beach. The pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to tank up. When a rusty old van containing a very tired looking couple and six screaming children pulled into his station, the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants.
"Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids there. Are they all yours or is this a picnic?"
Wearily, the driver replied, "Yes they are all mine and it's NO picnic!"
********************************
At his first service, the new preachers sermon was extremely long and dull. As he preached, he drank from pitcher of water until it was completely gone.
After the service, someone asked an old woman of the church, "How did you like the new pastor?"
"Fine," she said, "but he's the first windmill I ever saw that was run by water."
********************************
An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has."
They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has."
The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."
"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.
"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to draw on."
********************************
It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud. When she came to a young boy and asked his name, the boy replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee" he replied.
"How do you spell that? asked the teacher.
"My mother helps me" said the little boy.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
hUMOR For May 15th
********************************
The minister's car wouldn't start and he called the garage to come and tow it in for repair. When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister said, "I hope you'll go easy on me. You know, I'm only a poor preacher."
"I know," said the tow truck driver, "I've heard you preach!"
********************************
In the US, it takes more brainpower to fill out the
income tax forms than it does to earn the income in
the first place.
********************************
So if the world is truly getting "smaller", how come
the US Postal rates keep going up?
********************************
All politicians claim they know what it was like to be
poor. OK, fine, but why do they insist on the rest of
us learning too.
********************************
In the US, there are several ways to become rich:
inherit a lot of money, invent/develop, win the
lottery or sue somebody.
********************************
Hospitals still have private and semi-private
accommodations. If you have an HMO though,
semi-private means two to a bed.
********************************
Strange how people who don't even know their
neighbors, are extremely curious to know if there's extra-terrestrial life.
********************************
My husband-to-be helped his aunt take the furniture of her boyfriend's home to a charity after the gentleman had passed away. She asked him if we still needed anything for our new life, and he told her that we had everything but a bedroom set. She graciously gave him the master bedroom set from the home.
The problem was that the poor man had died on the mattress, and I wanted to replace it with a new mattress, with my next paycheck. I really didn't want to sleep on a bed that someone had died in.
My mother-in-law-to-be heard the story. She urged me not to be silly and to use the perfectly good mattress instead of spending the money on a new one.
My mother-in-law-to-be soon came for an overnight visit.
The next morning she came out of her bedroom, and immediately asked me how I had slept, and I told her I had had a great night's sleep. She promptly reminded me of how I had foolishly wanted to buy a new mattress, and that I didn't appear to have suffered much sleeping on a bed that someone had died in.
I quickly answered that I had indeed bought a new mattress, and it was she that had slept on the poor man's mattress.
Its really fun to watch people's faces turn that many shades of "pale"!
The minister's car wouldn't start and he called the garage to come and tow it in for repair. When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister said, "I hope you'll go easy on me. You know, I'm only a poor preacher."
"I know," said the tow truck driver, "I've heard you preach!"
********************************
In the US, it takes more brainpower to fill out the
income tax forms than it does to earn the income in
the first place.
********************************
So if the world is truly getting "smaller", how come
the US Postal rates keep going up?
********************************
All politicians claim they know what it was like to be
poor. OK, fine, but why do they insist on the rest of
us learning too.
********************************
In the US, there are several ways to become rich:
inherit a lot of money, invent/develop, win the
lottery or sue somebody.
********************************
Hospitals still have private and semi-private
accommodations. If you have an HMO though,
semi-private means two to a bed.
********************************
Strange how people who don't even know their
neighbors, are extremely curious to know if there's extra-terrestrial life.
********************************
My husband-to-be helped his aunt take the furniture of her boyfriend's home to a charity after the gentleman had passed away. She asked him if we still needed anything for our new life, and he told her that we had everything but a bedroom set. She graciously gave him the master bedroom set from the home.
The problem was that the poor man had died on the mattress, and I wanted to replace it with a new mattress, with my next paycheck. I really didn't want to sleep on a bed that someone had died in.
My mother-in-law-to-be heard the story. She urged me not to be silly and to use the perfectly good mattress instead of spending the money on a new one.
My mother-in-law-to-be soon came for an overnight visit.
The next morning she came out of her bedroom, and immediately asked me how I had slept, and I told her I had had a great night's sleep. She promptly reminded me of how I had foolishly wanted to buy a new mattress, and that I didn't appear to have suffered much sleeping on a bed that someone had died in.
I quickly answered that I had indeed bought a new mattress, and it was she that had slept on the poor man's mattress.
Its really fun to watch people's faces turn that many shades of "pale"!
Saturday, May 14, 2005
hUMOR For May 14th
********************************
Doctor Mistake
During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor was
asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?"
"Yes, was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"
********************************
Stuff You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support*
"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
"...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
"Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
"Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
"We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
"In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
"Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
********************************
This middle-aged man was going through his mid-life crisis
so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. He decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.
He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph, and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself,
"This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."
So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off
with a patrolman and when I saw you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."
The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
********************************
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ...for five days!
********************************
The Old Days
Were you a kid in the Fifties or earlier? Everybody
makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids
snicker. Twenty year olds shudder and say "Eeeew!" But
was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for
yourself:
In 1953, the US population was less than 150
million... yet you knew more people then, and knew
them better... and that was good.
The average annual salary was under $3,000... yet our
parents could put some of it away for a rainy day and
still live a decent life... and that was good.
A loaf of bread cost about 15 cents... but it was safe
for a five-year-old to skate to the store and buy
one... and that was good.
Prime-Time meant I Love Lucy, Ozzie and Harriet, Gun
Smoke and Lassie... So nobody ever heard of ratings
or filters... and that was good.
We didn't have air-conditioning... so the windows
stayed up and half a dozen mothers ran outside when
you fell off your bike... and that was good.
Your teacher was either Miss Matthews or Mrs. Logan or
Mr. Adkins... but not Ms Becky or Mr. Dan... and that
was good.
The only hazardous material you knew about was a patch
of grass burrs around the light pole at the corner...
and that was good.
You loved to climb into a fresh bed... because sheets
were dried on the clothesline... and that was good.
People generally lived in the same hometown with their relatives... so "child care" meant grandparents or aunts and uncles... and that was good.
Parents were respected and their rules were the
law.... Children did not talk back... and that was
good.
TV was in black-and-white... But all outdoors was in
glorious color... and that was certainly good.
Your Dad knew how to adjust everybody's carburetor...
and the Dad next door knew how to adjust all the TV
knobs... and that was very good.
Your grandma grew snap beans in the back yard... and
chickens behind the garage... and that was definitely
good.
And just when you were about to do something really
bad... chances were you'd run into your Dad's high
school coach... or the nosy old lady from up the
street... or your little sister's piano teacher... or
somebody from church.... all of whom knew your
parents' phone number... And YOUR first name... And
even THAT was good!
REMEMBER...
Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy
Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Abbott &
Costello, Sky King, Little Lulu comics, Brenda Starr,
Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger,
The Shadow Knows Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger
and Buttermilk as well as the sound of a real mower on
Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides,
playing cowboy, playing hide and seek and kick-the-can
and Simon Says, baseball games, amateur shows at the
local theater before the Saturday matinee, bowling
and visits to the pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder
with sugar, and wax lips and bubblegum cigars.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah,
I remember that!
And was it really that long ago?
Doctor Mistake
During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor was
asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?"
"Yes, was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"
********************************
Stuff You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support*
"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
"...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
"Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
"Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
"We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
"In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
"Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
********************************
This middle-aged man was going through his mid-life crisis
so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. He decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.
He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph, and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself,
"This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."
So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off
with a patrolman and when I saw you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."
The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
********************************
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ...for five days!
********************************
The Old Days
Were you a kid in the Fifties or earlier? Everybody
makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids
snicker. Twenty year olds shudder and say "Eeeew!" But
was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for
yourself:
In 1953, the US population was less than 150
million... yet you knew more people then, and knew
them better... and that was good.
The average annual salary was under $3,000... yet our
parents could put some of it away for a rainy day and
still live a decent life... and that was good.
A loaf of bread cost about 15 cents... but it was safe
for a five-year-old to skate to the store and buy
one... and that was good.
Prime-Time meant I Love Lucy, Ozzie and Harriet, Gun
Smoke and Lassie... So nobody ever heard of ratings
or filters... and that was good.
We didn't have air-conditioning... so the windows
stayed up and half a dozen mothers ran outside when
you fell off your bike... and that was good.
Your teacher was either Miss Matthews or Mrs. Logan or
Mr. Adkins... but not Ms Becky or Mr. Dan... and that
was good.
The only hazardous material you knew about was a patch
of grass burrs around the light pole at the corner...
and that was good.
You loved to climb into a fresh bed... because sheets
were dried on the clothesline... and that was good.
People generally lived in the same hometown with their relatives... so "child care" meant grandparents or aunts and uncles... and that was good.
Parents were respected and their rules were the
law.... Children did not talk back... and that was
good.
TV was in black-and-white... But all outdoors was in
glorious color... and that was certainly good.
Your Dad knew how to adjust everybody's carburetor...
and the Dad next door knew how to adjust all the TV
knobs... and that was very good.
Your grandma grew snap beans in the back yard... and
chickens behind the garage... and that was definitely
good.
And just when you were about to do something really
bad... chances were you'd run into your Dad's high
school coach... or the nosy old lady from up the
street... or your little sister's piano teacher... or
somebody from church.... all of whom knew your
parents' phone number... And YOUR first name... And
even THAT was good!
REMEMBER...
Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy
Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Abbott &
Costello, Sky King, Little Lulu comics, Brenda Starr,
Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger,
The Shadow Knows Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger
and Buttermilk as well as the sound of a real mower on
Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides,
playing cowboy, playing hide and seek and kick-the-can
and Simon Says, baseball games, amateur shows at the
local theater before the Saturday matinee, bowling
and visits to the pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder
with sugar, and wax lips and bubblegum cigars.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah,
I remember that!
And was it really that long ago?
Friday, May 13, 2005
hUMOR For May 13th
********************************
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day." Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day." Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars. Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!" "Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour." Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire. Sadly, I received it also......
********************************
Price Reduction
Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six
dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price
will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you
really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
********************************
While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face.
As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern.
"Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your parking space now?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Two mice met behind a toaster in a Columbia, Maryland household.
"It's been a long time." the first said. "How's everything?"
"Great!" the second replied. "I have three brothers in pharmaceutical testing and a sister in heart research."
********************************
My daughter's third-grade teacher had assigned the children
to write a story titled "My Biggest Surprise."
Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina's
work. It read: "I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy
and Daddy's bed and hopped in. But it wasn't Mommy at all.
It was Mrs. Del Campo!"
What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs.
Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I
took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.
********************************
Jill received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.
"Is this some kind of mistake?" Jill asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Jill, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."
********************************
A Southern Baptist minister decided that a visual
demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm wa! s put into a jar of cigarette
smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported
the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you
learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand
and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat
chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Don't you just love little old ladies????
********************************
We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time
to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a
culture that values home,family, country and God. If
I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten
my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to
back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit --
that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of
those.
You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to
be offended by the phrase, "One nation,under God"
You might be a redneck if: You've never protested
about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public
places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say "Christmas"
instead of "Winter Festival."
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when
someone prays.
You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your
hand over your heart when they play the National
Anthem.
You might be a redneck if: You treat Viet Nam & Desert
Storm vets with great respect, and always have.
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an
American flag.
You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe
and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is
listening.
You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and
expect your kids to do the same.
You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar
to a friend.
If you got this email from me, it is because I believe
that you, like me, have just enough Red Neck in you to
have the same beliefs as those talked about in this
email.
God Bless the USA!
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day." Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day." Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars. Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!" "Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour." Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire. Sadly, I received it also......
********************************
Price Reduction
Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six
dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price
will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you
really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
********************************
While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face.
As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern.
"Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your parking space now?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Two mice met behind a toaster in a Columbia, Maryland household.
"It's been a long time." the first said. "How's everything?"
"Great!" the second replied. "I have three brothers in pharmaceutical testing and a sister in heart research."
********************************
My daughter's third-grade teacher had assigned the children
to write a story titled "My Biggest Surprise."
Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina's
work. It read: "I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy
and Daddy's bed and hopped in. But it wasn't Mommy at all.
It was Mrs. Del Campo!"
What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs.
Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I
took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.
********************************
Jill received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.
"Is this some kind of mistake?" Jill asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Jill, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."
********************************
A Southern Baptist minister decided that a visual
demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm wa! s put into a jar of cigarette
smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported
the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you
learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand
and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat
chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Don't you just love little old ladies????
********************************
We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time
to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a
culture that values home,family, country and God. If
I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten
my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to
back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit --
that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of
those.
You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to
be offended by the phrase, "One nation,under God"
You might be a redneck if: You've never protested
about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public
places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say "Christmas"
instead of "Winter Festival."
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when
someone prays.
You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your
hand over your heart when they play the National
Anthem.
You might be a redneck if: You treat Viet Nam & Desert
Storm vets with great respect, and always have.
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an
American flag.
You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe
and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is
listening.
You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and
expect your kids to do the same.
You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar
to a friend.
If you got this email from me, it is because I believe
that you, like me, have just enough Red Neck in you to
have the same beliefs as those talked about in this
email.
God Bless the USA!
Thursday, May 12, 2005
hUMOR For May 12th
********************************
Simple Support
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some
difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support
phone number we found in the manual.
I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I
explained the problem to him.
He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.
"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a
small child?"
"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your
mommy on the phone?"
********************************
A true story (names have been changed).
Father, Mother and their 3 sons, John (the oldest), Mike
(middle) and Steve (youngest) are conversing around the
table after dinner. The subject of traits of parents being passed on to children comes up.
The Father says, "John has my eyes, Mike has my creativity,
and Steve has my intelligence."
Steve responds, "Daddy, what's intelligence?"
********************************
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
********************************
Thanks to Whit Sasser -- The Indian And The Preacher
Once upon a time, a preacher of good John Wesley's
band,
Went forth upon a mission out in Indian land.
He gave the chief a Bible and journeyed on his way,
But came back through that section at a somewhat later
day.
The chief called on the preacher---whatever did give
rise?
"Chief want to be a Christian, me ready to be
baptized."
The preacher brought his "Jordan", a little china
bowl,
Then catechised the Indian with reference to his soul.
The chief gazed at the vessel with an apprehensive
look.
"The pond, he much too little, you give'um chief wrong
book."
The preacher urged and argued that a small amount
would do,
But failed to turn the Indian from his "heap much
water" view.
But the preacher finally consented to let his custom
slip;
He'd go down in the river and give the chief a dip.
No, No," the chief responded, "You try to change God's
plan
>From dip to little sprinkle---me guess you be wrong
man."
********************************
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE
CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her
brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They
always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same
time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's
lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few
nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that
held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the
inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the
fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do
while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation
from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller
coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but
nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy
beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes
alone.
********************************
Children's Prayers
1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda
2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brotherbut what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce
3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet
4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love Alison
5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene
6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita
7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy
8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn
9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis
10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan
11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer
13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Billy
14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter
15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry
16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark
17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha
18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Barbara
19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny
20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles
21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff
22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really !!!!Frank
23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Thomas
Simple Support
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some
difficulties while setting it up so we decided to call the customer support
phone number we found in the manual.
I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I
explained the problem to him.
He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more.
"Sir," I said politely, "Can you explain what I should do as if I were a
small child?"
"Okay," the computer support guy said, "Son, could you please put your
mommy on the phone?"
********************************
A true story (names have been changed).
Father, Mother and their 3 sons, John (the oldest), Mike
(middle) and Steve (youngest) are conversing around the
table after dinner. The subject of traits of parents being passed on to children comes up.
The Father says, "John has my eyes, Mike has my creativity,
and Steve has my intelligence."
Steve responds, "Daddy, what's intelligence?"
********************************
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
********************************
Thanks to Whit Sasser -- The Indian And The Preacher
Once upon a time, a preacher of good John Wesley's
band,
Went forth upon a mission out in Indian land.
He gave the chief a Bible and journeyed on his way,
But came back through that section at a somewhat later
day.
The chief called on the preacher---whatever did give
rise?
"Chief want to be a Christian, me ready to be
baptized."
The preacher brought his "Jordan", a little china
bowl,
Then catechised the Indian with reference to his soul.
The chief gazed at the vessel with an apprehensive
look.
"The pond, he much too little, you give'um chief wrong
book."
The preacher urged and argued that a small amount
would do,
But failed to turn the Indian from his "heap much
water" view.
But the preacher finally consented to let his custom
slip;
He'd go down in the river and give the chief a dip.
No, No," the chief responded, "You try to change God's
plan
>From dip to little sprinkle---me guess you be wrong
man."
********************************
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE
CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her
brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They
always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same
time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's
lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few
nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that
held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the
inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the
fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do
while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation
from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller
coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but
nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy
beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes
alone.
********************************
Children's Prayers
1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda
2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brotherbut what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce
3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet
4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love Alison
5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene
6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita
7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy
8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn
9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis
10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan
11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer
13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Billy
14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter
15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry
16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark
17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha
18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Barbara
19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny
20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles
21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff
22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really !!!!Frank
23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Thomas
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
hUMOR For May 11th
********************************
Mathematically Speaking
A high-school geometry teacher started a lesson on triangles by reading a
theorem. "If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure
is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior
angles."
He noticed that one student wasn't taking notes and asked him why.
"Well," the student replied sincerely, "I was waiting for you to start
speaking English."
********************************
Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
********************************
A little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday school with a frown on her face. "I'm not going back there anymore," she announced with finality.
"I don't like the Bible they keep teaching us."
"Why not?" asked her astonished mother.
"Because," said the little girl, "that Bible is always talking about St. Paul, and it never once mentions Minneapolis."
********************************
A man is on his first parachute jump. He jumps out of the
plane and counts, "1 2 3," and pulls the main cord.
Nothing happens.
He pulls on his emergency cord, again nothing happens.
Looking around desperately the man notices another man
flying UP into the air. He hollers to him, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"
"No!" he replies. "Do you know anything about gas furnaces?"
********************************
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Isn't This The Truth!
A college student at a recent USC football game
challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him,
saying it was impossible for their generation to
understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the student said
loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we
have television, jet planes, space travel, man has
walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars,
we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen
cars, computers with light-speed processing ..and
....uh.."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany,
the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those
things when we were young; so we invented them, you
little twit! What the world are you doing for the next generation??"
I love senior citizens!
******************************************************
Thanks to jojocalf -- Getting Rid of the Bugs
There are all kinds of bugs. Some of them are;
The Litterbug
Gum wrappers, tissues, and other items mark the place
in church where he sat.
The Jitterbug
The human pew vibrator. He turns north, then south,
then crosses the leg and swings the foot. If he's
nervous, he should seek Healing; if bored, he should
listen better; if under conviction, he should get
saved.
The Sitterbug
All he does is sit. It is his concept of Christianity.
The Titterbug
He begins at the first mistake and continues to the
last Amen. He comes only to approve or disapprove of
the Pastor or the church program.
The Glitterbug
He is so dazzled by his own glitter that he fails to
see the glory of Christ.
The Fritterbug
He fritters away time, looking out the windows, or
clipping his finger nails.
The Bitterbug
He looks bitter, feels bitter and is bitter. He needs
to get better. Unknown
======================================================
Here are a few of mine:
Transmitterbug
They are the people who spread God's word by let God
use them as transmitters.
Quitterbug
They devote their daily efforts to eliminating the sin
in their lives.
Fitterbug
Their daily efforts are spent exercising and being
emotionally healthy in their faith.
Critterbug
They enjoy eliminating the "bad" bugs (liter, jitter,
sitter, titter, glitter, fritter and bitter) in their
faith.
Wittierbug
They are the best bug of all! They are the ones who
grow their faith and wisdom by reading their Bible
daily. Soaking up the word and knowledge given to us
by God!
Mathematically Speaking
A high-school geometry teacher started a lesson on triangles by reading a
theorem. "If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its measure
is greater than the measure of either of its corresponding remote interior
angles."
He noticed that one student wasn't taking notes and asked him why.
"Well," the student replied sincerely, "I was waiting for you to start
speaking English."
********************************
Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
********************************
A little girl from Minneapolis came home from Sunday school with a frown on her face. "I'm not going back there anymore," she announced with finality.
"I don't like the Bible they keep teaching us."
"Why not?" asked her astonished mother.
"Because," said the little girl, "that Bible is always talking about St. Paul, and it never once mentions Minneapolis."
********************************
A man is on his first parachute jump. He jumps out of the
plane and counts, "1 2 3," and pulls the main cord.
Nothing happens.
He pulls on his emergency cord, again nothing happens.
Looking around desperately the man notices another man
flying UP into the air. He hollers to him, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"
"No!" he replies. "Do you know anything about gas furnaces?"
********************************
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE28 -- Isn't This The Truth!
A college student at a recent USC football game
challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him,
saying it was impossible for their generation to
understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the student said
loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we
have television, jet planes, space travel, man has
walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars,
we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen
cars, computers with light-speed processing ..and
....uh.."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany,
the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those
things when we were young; so we invented them, you
little twit! What the world are you doing for the next generation??"
I love senior citizens!
******************************************************
Thanks to jojocalf -- Getting Rid of the Bugs
There are all kinds of bugs. Some of them are;
The Litterbug
Gum wrappers, tissues, and other items mark the place
in church where he sat.
The Jitterbug
The human pew vibrator. He turns north, then south,
then crosses the leg and swings the foot. If he's
nervous, he should seek Healing; if bored, he should
listen better; if under conviction, he should get
saved.
The Sitterbug
All he does is sit. It is his concept of Christianity.
The Titterbug
He begins at the first mistake and continues to the
last Amen. He comes only to approve or disapprove of
the Pastor or the church program.
The Glitterbug
He is so dazzled by his own glitter that he fails to
see the glory of Christ.
The Fritterbug
He fritters away time, looking out the windows, or
clipping his finger nails.
The Bitterbug
He looks bitter, feels bitter and is bitter. He needs
to get better. Unknown
======================================================
Here are a few of mine:
Transmitterbug
They are the people who spread God's word by let God
use them as transmitters.
Quitterbug
They devote their daily efforts to eliminating the sin
in their lives.
Fitterbug
Their daily efforts are spent exercising and being
emotionally healthy in their faith.
Critterbug
They enjoy eliminating the "bad" bugs (liter, jitter,
sitter, titter, glitter, fritter and bitter) in their
faith.
Wittierbug
They are the best bug of all! They are the ones who
grow their faith and wisdom by reading their Bible
daily. Soaking up the word and knowledge given to us
by God!
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
hUMOR For May 10th
IDIOT Sightings
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
**********
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an car dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
They walk among us..............scary!!
********************************
A police officer pulled a blonde over for driving
erratically. She explained, "I was driving down the road,
when all of a sudden a tree appeared right in the middle of
the road. I swerved sharply to the right, but there was
another tree. I turned to the left, and another tree
appeared. No matter if I turned left or right, trees
magically appeared in the road."
Shaking his head the officer said, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
********************************
Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet and so on.
Came the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.
Next morning when she woke him up, he asked "What for?" She told him it was time to get ready for school.
"What? Again?" he asked.
Thanks to MEMPHISBELLE for this old favorite --
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,
Mr. Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one
knows for sure how old he was since his birth records
were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value
lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain,
why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't
always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn) and reliable
parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in
charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well
intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in
place. - Reports of a six- year-old boy charged with
sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly
student, only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were
required to get parental consent to administer aspirin
to a student; but could not inform the parents when a
student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live, as the
churches became businesses; and criminals received
better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman
failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was
hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a
huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents,
Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
Two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima Whiner survive
him.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized
he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join
the majority and do nothing.
********************************
Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.
The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have coffee."
The engineering student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
********************************
Watch for these consolidations in 2005. 1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
********************************
IDIOT Sightings
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
**********
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an car dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
They walk among us..............scary!!
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
**********
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an car dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
They walk among us..............scary!!
********************************
A police officer pulled a blonde over for driving
erratically. She explained, "I was driving down the road,
when all of a sudden a tree appeared right in the middle of
the road. I swerved sharply to the right, but there was
another tree. I turned to the left, and another tree
appeared. No matter if I turned left or right, trees
magically appeared in the road."
Shaking his head the officer said, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
********************************
Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet and so on.
Came the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.
Next morning when she woke him up, he asked "What for?" She told him it was time to get ready for school.
"What? Again?" he asked.
Thanks to MEMPHISBELLE for this old favorite --
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend,
Mr. Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one
knows for sure how old he was since his birth records
were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value
lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain,
why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't
always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn) and reliable
parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in
charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well
intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in
place. - Reports of a six- year-old boy charged with
sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens
suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch;
and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly
student, only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were
required to get parental consent to administer aspirin
to a student; but could not inform the parents when a
student became pregnant and wanted to have an
abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live, as the
churches became businesses; and criminals received
better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman
failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was
hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a
huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents,
Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
Two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima Whiner survive
him.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized
he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join
the majority and do nothing.
********************************
Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.
The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have coffee."
The engineering student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
********************************
Watch for these consolidations in 2005. 1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
********************************
IDIOT Sightings
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
**********
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
**********
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an car dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
They walk among us..............scary!!
Monday, May 09, 2005
hUMOR For May 9th
********************************
PONDERISMS
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? They're just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
********************************
RED SKELTON'S -TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have
a little beverage, good food and companionship. She
goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Calif.
and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding
her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long
time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and
electric bread maker. She said "There are too many
gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an
electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the
car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too
late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump
in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of
divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't
like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked
"What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it.........this is the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word............just clean and simple fun
********************************
"Mom's Special Brownies"
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr., "No, no."Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.Let cat out of refrigerator.Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.Bake 25 minutes.Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
FROSTING Mix the following in saucepan:1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.Put Jr. in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.Collapse and call the baker for delivery.
PONDERISMS
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? They're just stale bread to begin with.
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game", when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
********************************
RED SKELTON'S -TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have
a little beverage, good food and companionship. She
goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Calif.
and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding
her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our
anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long
time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and
electric bread maker. She said "There are too many
gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an
electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because
there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the
car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too
late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump
in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of
divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't
like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked
"What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it.........this is the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word............just clean and simple fun
********************************
"Mom's Special Brownies"
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr., "No, no."Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.Let cat out of refrigerator.Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.Bake 25 minutes.Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.
FROSTING Mix the following in saucepan:1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.Put Jr. in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.Collapse and call the baker for delivery.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
hUMOR For May 8th
How Mothers Were Created
(Not really humor, but a nice thought in honor of Mother's Day in the
United States and to mothers everywhere.)
When the Good Lord was creating mothers He was into His 6th day of
"overtime" when the angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of
fiddling around on this one."
And the Lord said, "Have you read the specification on this order?"
"She has to be completely washable but not plastic;"
"Have 180 movable parts . . . all replaceable;"
"Run on black coffee and leftovers;"
"Have a lap the disappears when she stands up;"
"A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love
affair;"
"And 6 pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said, "6 pairs of hands....no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me the problems," said the Lord, "It's
the three pairs of eyes that Mothers have to have."
"That's in the standard model?" asked the angel.
The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks
'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in
the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know,
and of course the ones here in front so that she can look at a child when
he goofs and say, 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering
a word."
"Lord," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "come to bed. Tomorrow ..."
"I can't," said the Lord, "I'm so close to creating something so close to
myself. Already I have one that heals herself when she is sick ... can feed
a family of six on one pound of hamburger ... and can get a 9 yr. old to
stand under a shower."
The angel circled the model of a Mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she
sighed.
"But tough!" said the Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what this Mother
can do or endure."
"Can it think?"
"Not only think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.
Finally, the angel bent over and ran a finger across the cheek. "There's a
leak," she pronounced. "I said you were trying to put too much into this
model."
"It's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear."
"What's it for?"
"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."
"You are a genius," said the angel.
The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there."
********************************
*Before and After Children*
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.AFTER Children: I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook.AFTER Children: I am thankful for the butterball turkey hotline.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.AFTER Children: I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy clothes.AFTER Children: I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for my wonderful family.AFTER Children: I am thankful for my wonderful family.
********************************
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."
The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."
********************************
As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was. "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.
"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."
"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."
********************************
The Blonde Year In Review
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because
it was too tight.
February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the
bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle
in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the
power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water
won't fit into those little packets.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she
couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming
competition, complained to the judges that the other
swimmers were using their arms.
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying
to get into their locked car using a coat hanger
because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California
was: answered "C."
October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to
peel.
November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the
instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed
120.
December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11"
on any phone button.
******************************************************
Thanks to Li Mo -- The Hero
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.
Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills in South Dakota, I came
upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave
her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I
approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker
and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over,
ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground."
I yelled, "Now back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago"
(Not really humor, but a nice thought in honor of Mother's Day in the
United States and to mothers everywhere.)
When the Good Lord was creating mothers He was into His 6th day of
"overtime" when the angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of
fiddling around on this one."
And the Lord said, "Have you read the specification on this order?"
"She has to be completely washable but not plastic;"
"Have 180 movable parts . . . all replaceable;"
"Run on black coffee and leftovers;"
"Have a lap the disappears when she stands up;"
"A kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love
affair;"
"And 6 pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said, "6 pairs of hands....no way."
"It's not the hands that are causing me the problems," said the Lord, "It's
the three pairs of eyes that Mothers have to have."
"That's in the standard model?" asked the angel.
The Lord nodded. "One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks
'What are you kids doing in there?' when she already knows. Another here in
the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know,
and of course the ones here in front so that she can look at a child when
he goofs and say, 'I understand and I love you' without so much as uttering
a word."
"Lord," said the angel touching his sleeve gently, "come to bed. Tomorrow ..."
"I can't," said the Lord, "I'm so close to creating something so close to
myself. Already I have one that heals herself when she is sick ... can feed
a family of six on one pound of hamburger ... and can get a 9 yr. old to
stand under a shower."
The angel circled the model of a Mother very slowly. "It's too soft," she
sighed.
"But tough!" said the Lord excitedly. "You cannot imagine what this Mother
can do or endure."
"Can it think?"
"Not only think, but it can reason and compromise," said the Creator.
Finally, the angel bent over and ran a finger across the cheek. "There's a
leak," she pronounced. "I said you were trying to put too much into this
model."
"It's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear."
"What's it for?"
"It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness, and pride."
"You are a genius," said the angel.
The Lord looked somber. "I didn't put it there."
********************************
*Before and After Children*
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.AFTER Children: I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook.AFTER Children: I am thankful for the butterball turkey hotline.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.AFTER Children: I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy clothes.AFTER Children: I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes.
BEFORE Children: I was thankful for my wonderful family.AFTER Children: I am thankful for my wonderful family.
********************************
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."
The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."
********************************
As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was. "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.
"Really," I said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged."
"Discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "Why should we be discouraged? We haven't been up to bat yet."
********************************
The Blonde Year In Review
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because
it was too tight.
February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the
bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle
in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the
power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water
won't fit into those little packets.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she
couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming
competition, complained to the judges that the other
swimmers were using their arms.
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying
to get into their locked car using a coat hanger
because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California
was: answered "C."
October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to
peel.
November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the
instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed
120.
December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11"
on any phone button.
******************************************************
Thanks to Li Mo -- The Hero
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.
Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"On a trip to the Black Hills in South Dakota, I came
upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were
threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave
her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I
approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker
and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over,
ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground."
I yelled, "Now back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago"
Saturday, May 07, 2005
hUMOR For May 7th
********************************
Mom and Computers
All I know about computers I learned from my mom:
For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is
a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked for the
presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full
meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A
software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner
indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me that Santa
Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to
requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint.
Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's snowing,
then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your
shoes."
Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing:
"We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load,
but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them
this afternoon."
Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid
out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to
find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave
us the first clue.
Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing
the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one
sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the
principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks
three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being
able to come up with at least one matching pair.
Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to
Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which was
then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously
an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the
number of physical I/O operations.
Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on
the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder herself to
turn it off again before leaving the house.
Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced
when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling tea kettle.
Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert
on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that
things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.
There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically present
everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created
mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed
processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds
out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local
area network of distributed processors that can't be beat.
Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.
********************************
"Mom's List Of Things She Does Not Want To Hear"
1. I swallowed the goldfish.
2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.
3. Does grape juice leave a stain?
4. The principal called...
5. But DAD says that word all the time!
6. What's it cost to fix a window?
7. Has anyone seen my earthworms?
8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?
9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your underwear.
10. I'm running away from home. (Well, maybe some days.)
********************************
Following are answers given by elementary school-age
children to the given questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just
used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other
stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would
be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does
he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did
he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking
bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad
is such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my
fat aunts.
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the
dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think
some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it
be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.
I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter -- then she would know my sister
did it and not me.
********************************
Thanks to memphisbelle -- Oldie but Goodie
A woman received a phone call that her daughter was
very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by
the pharmacy for some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car to find she had locked her
keys inside.
She had get home to her sick daughter, and didn't
know what to do. She called her home to the baby
sitter, and was told her daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that
to open the door." The woman found an old rusty coat
hanger on the ground, as if someone else had locked
their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger
and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God for help.
An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy,
bearded man with a biker skull rag on his head. The
woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to
help me?" But she was desperate, and thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked if he could help.
She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get
home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock
my car." He said, "SURE." He walked over to the car
and in seconds the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said,
"THANK YOU SO MUCH. You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got
out of prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again and cried out loud, "THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"
Mom and Computers
All I know about computers I learned from my mom:
For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa Claus is
a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked for the
presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the full
meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual device: "A
software or hardware entity which responds to commands in a manner
indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling me that Santa
Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents) who responds to
requests from children in a manner indistinguishable from the real saint.
Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's snowing,
then put your boots on before you go to school; otherwise just wear your
shoes."
Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction processing:
"We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make a load,
but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because you'll need them
this afternoon."
Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party, she laid
out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue telling where to
find the next one, and the last one leading to the treasure. She then gave
us the first clue.
Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks after doing
the laundry, she expected to find an even number and groaned when only one
sock of a pair emerged from the washing machine. Later she applied the
principles of redundancy engineering to this problem by buying our socks
three identical pairs at a time. This greatly increased the odds of being
able to come up with at least one matching pair.
Mother had all of us children write our Christmas thank you notes to
Grandmother, one after another, on a single large sheet of paper which was
then mailed in a single envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously
an instance of blocking records in order to save money by reducing the
number of physical I/O operations.
Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she turned on
the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to reminder herself to
turn it off again before leaving the house.
Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be serviced
when they have completed any operation. She had a whistling tea kettle.
Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put the dessert
on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the napkin on top so that
things would come out in the right order at lunchtime.
There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically present
everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and so He created
mothers. That is the difference between centralized and distributed
processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a neighbor's house finds
out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk to each other. That's a local
area network of distributed processors that can't be beat.
Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.
********************************
"Mom's List Of Things She Does Not Want To Hear"
1. I swallowed the goldfish.
2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.
3. Does grape juice leave a stain?
4. The principal called...
5. But DAD says that word all the time!
6. What's it cost to fix a window?
7. Has anyone seen my earthworms?
8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?
9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your underwear.
10. I'm running away from home. (Well, maybe some days.)
********************************
Following are answers given by elementary school-age
children to the given questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just
used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other
stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would
be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does
he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did
he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking
bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad
is such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my
fat aunts.
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the
dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think
some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it
be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.
I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter -- then she would know my sister
did it and not me.
********************************
Thanks to memphisbelle -- Oldie but Goodie
A woman received a phone call that her daughter was
very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by
the pharmacy for some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car to find she had locked her
keys inside.
She had get home to her sick daughter, and didn't
know what to do. She called her home to the baby
sitter, and was told her daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that
to open the door." The woman found an old rusty coat
hanger on the ground, as if someone else had locked
their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger
and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God for help.
An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy,
bearded man with a biker skull rag on his head. The
woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to
help me?" But she was desperate, and thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked if he could help.
She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get
home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock
my car." He said, "SURE." He walked over to the car
and in seconds the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said,
"THANK YOU SO MUCH. You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got
out of prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again and cried out loud, "THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"
Friday, May 06, 2005
hUMOR For May 6th
********************************
Mom's Definitions (Part 2)
MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look
better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
MAYBE: No.
MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned
into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
MUSH: 1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element of
Mom's favorite movies.
NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a
full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling
clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats,
cars and animals.
OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
PANIC: What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.
PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their
rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have
someone else to clean up after.
PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of
dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to
play in front of company.
PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never
find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic
container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a
football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the
first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm,
rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a
book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.
ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom
who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching
offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.
SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and
snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold
and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric
which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to
understand her child's "special needs."
TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.
TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each
morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like
Daddy."
WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent
ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.
"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime
and punishment.
XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note
in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before
kids refuse to eat it.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
"Good afternoon, my good barkeep, a pint of Less if you please," said the old man as he entered the tavern.
"Less? Never heard of it," replied the barman.
"Oh, come now surely you have," he persisted.
"No sorry, we certainly don't stock it. What is it anyway? Some foreign beer?"
"Well I'm not sure," admitted the man. "It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink less."
********************************
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You
know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see
very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Million," she wrote the first son, "the house you built is
so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
whole house."
"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I
stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."
********************************
Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.
"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That 96' beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. That one over there 104' is owned by the head of Goldman, Sachs. And look at that huge 210' yacht out there. That's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache."
His friend Morris was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face.
"What's the matter?" Goodman asked.
"I was just wondering," Morris said. "why aren't there any customers' yachts?"
********************************
Timmy was a little five year old boy whose Mom loved him very much, and being a worrier, she was concerned about his walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the first couple of days, and at the end of the week, he came home from school and told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys" he protested loudly. So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day-all week long. Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."The friend said, "Well, who is she?""That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy." "Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?" "Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."
Mom's Definitions (Part 2)
MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look
better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
MAYBE: No.
MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned
into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
MUSH: 1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element of
Mom's favorite movies.
NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a
full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling
clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats,
cars and animals.
OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
PANIC: What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.
PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their
rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have
someone else to clean up after.
PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of
dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to
play in front of company.
PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never
find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic
container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a
football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the
first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm,
rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a
book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.
ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom
who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching
offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.
SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and
snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold
and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric
which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to
understand her child's "special needs."
TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.
TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each
morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like
Daddy."
WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent
ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.
"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime
and punishment.
XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note
in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before
kids refuse to eat it.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
"Good afternoon, my good barkeep, a pint of Less if you please," said the old man as he entered the tavern.
"Less? Never heard of it," replied the barman.
"Oh, come now surely you have," he persisted.
"No sorry, we certainly don't stock it. What is it anyway? Some foreign beer?"
"Well I'm not sure," admitted the man. "It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink less."
********************************
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You
know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see
very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Million," she wrote the first son, "the house you built is
so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
whole house."
"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I
stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."
********************************
Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.
"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That 96' beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. That one over there 104' is owned by the head of Goldman, Sachs. And look at that huge 210' yacht out there. That's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache."
His friend Morris was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face.
"What's the matter?" Goodman asked.
"I was just wondering," Morris said. "why aren't there any customers' yachts?"
********************************
Timmy was a little five year old boy whose Mom loved him very much, and being a worrier, she was concerned about his walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the first couple of days, and at the end of the week, he came home from school and told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys" he protested loudly. So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day-all week long. Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."The friend said, "Well, who is she?""That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy." "Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?" "Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."
Thursday, May 05, 2005
hUMOR For May 5th
********************************
The Jewish Chronicle had heard that Benny was coming up to his 110th birthday so they sent one of their reporters to interview him.
"How do you account for your longevity?" asked the reporter.
"You could say that I am a health nut," Benny answered. "I have never smoked or drunk alcohol, I am always in bed by ten o'clock, I've been going to Israeli folk dance classes since I was a teenager and I've always walked three miles a day, even in rain or snow."
"But," said the reporter, "my uncle Saul followed exactly the same routine and he died when he was 75.So how come it didn't work for him?"
"All I can say," replied Benny "is that he didn't keep it up long enough."
********************************
A man goes into his regular barber shop, sits down at the chair and the barber ask him how he would like his hair cut this time.
The customer replied, "Well, lets see. Leave the left side long, take quite a bit off the right side to make it really short. I want the very back to have a mohawk and the front and top to be spotty and irregular."
The barber was astonished and said he could not cut hair that way.
"Why not," the customer replied, "you cut it that way last time!"
********************************
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
********************************
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
The Jewish Chronicle had heard that Benny was coming up to his 110th birthday so they sent one of their reporters to interview him.
"How do you account for your longevity?" asked the reporter.
"You could say that I am a health nut," Benny answered. "I have never smoked or drunk alcohol, I am always in bed by ten o'clock, I've been going to Israeli folk dance classes since I was a teenager and I've always walked three miles a day, even in rain or snow."
"But," said the reporter, "my uncle Saul followed exactly the same routine and he died when he was 75.So how come it didn't work for him?"
"All I can say," replied Benny "is that he didn't keep it up long enough."
********************************
A man goes into his regular barber shop, sits down at the chair and the barber ask him how he would like his hair cut this time.
The customer replied, "Well, lets see. Leave the left side long, take quite a bit off the right side to make it really short. I want the very back to have a mohawk and the front and top to be spotty and irregular."
The barber was astonished and said he could not cut hair that way.
"Why not," the customer replied, "you cut it that way last time!"
********************************
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
********************************
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
hUMOR For May 4th
********************************
At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels. A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in.
When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Gramma, could I have a quarter?"
********************************
I heard a story years ago which, I hope, will bring a lot of comfort to those who are taunted with the "if you had more faith..." issue. I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear.
The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?"
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Then the next time someone says that hit, them over the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
The sandwich dates back to the time man discovered he could not live by bread alone.
********************************
A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened.
A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man.
After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a bad carburetor to me." Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.
Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked.
The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie."
The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carburetor to me.'"
The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about cars."
At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels. A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in.
When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Gramma, could I have a quarter?"
********************************
I heard a story years ago which, I hope, will bring a lot of comfort to those who are taunted with the "if you had more faith..." issue. I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear.
The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?"
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Then the next time someone says that hit, them over the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
The sandwich dates back to the time man discovered he could not live by bread alone.
********************************
A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened.
A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man.
After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a bad carburetor to me." Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.
Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked.
The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie."
The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carburetor to me.'"
The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about cars."
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
hUMOR For May 3rd
********************************
*Rules For Choosing A Superhero Name*
1. Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
4. Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman.
5. But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g., Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil
7. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.
9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.
10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.
11. Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90.
12. Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.
********************************
Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick, 45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Grandfather pulled out a dollar bill on which he had printed, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet; and so is my grandfather!
********************************
An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout. "You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."
The trusty Indian Scout laid down and put his ear to the ground. "Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint. Many many guns.Medicine man also with them."
"Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"
"No," replied the Indian, "I can see under the gate."
********************************
A visiting minister during the offertory prayer: “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust...”
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
“Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?”
Church was pretty much over at that point...
********************************
Little Old Ladies
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep." "I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."
********************************
At the Movies
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went
inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served,
the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down
and gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
*Rules For Choosing A Superhero Name*
1. Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
4. Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman.
5. But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g., Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil
7. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.
9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.
10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.
11. Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90.
12. Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.
********************************
Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick, 45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Grandfather pulled out a dollar bill on which he had printed, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet; and so is my grandfather!
********************************
An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout. "You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."
The trusty Indian Scout laid down and put his ear to the ground. "Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint. Many many guns.Medicine man also with them."
"Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"
"No," replied the Indian, "I can see under the gate."
********************************
A visiting minister during the offertory prayer: “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust...”
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
“Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?”
Church was pretty much over at that point...
********************************
Little Old Ladies
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep." "I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."
********************************
At the Movies
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went
inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served,
the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down
and gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
Monday, May 02, 2005
hUMOR For May 2nd
********************************
"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.
The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."
********************************
Chicken Legs
A man was driving along a rural road, one day, when he saw a three-legged
chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while.
As he was driving, he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. "Pretty fast
chicken," he thought, "I wonder just how fast it can run." So, he sped up
and the chicken did, too!
They were, now, moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped
up, again. To his surprise, the chicken was still running ahead of him at
60 mph!
Suddenly, the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway,
leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw
a man in the yard, and dozens of three-legged chickens.
The man in the car called out to the farmer, "How did you get all these
three-legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya' see, it's me, my wife, and my son
living here, and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only
has two legs, I started breeding this three-legged variety so we could all
eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver. "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know," said the farmer, "we can't catch 'em."
********************************
Here's the exercise program I'm using to stay in shape this year. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
AS ALWAYS, CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.
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Okay, that's enough for the first day!
********************************
If my body were a car, I would be thinking about trading it in for anewer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and mypaint job is getting a little dull; but that's not the worst of it .... My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They wereonce as sleek as a little MG, but now they look more like an oldBuick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up ALL belts after I discovered Haagen Dazs. Air bags? Forget it ... the only bags I have these days are under my eyes ... not counting the saddle bags, of course. I have SO many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things; but when's the last time an appraiserfactored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things, even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently, my 'mpg' is terrible. BUT - here's the worst of it: almost every time I sneeze, cough, or sputter ~ my radiator leaks!
********************************
During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.
After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?" The student replied, "Big ones."
"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.
The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."
********************************
Chicken Legs
A man was driving along a rural road, one day, when he saw a three-legged
chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while.
As he was driving, he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. "Pretty fast
chicken," he thought, "I wonder just how fast it can run." So, he sped up
and the chicken did, too!
They were, now, moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped
up, again. To his surprise, the chicken was still running ahead of him at
60 mph!
Suddenly, the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway,
leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw
a man in the yard, and dozens of three-legged chickens.
The man in the car called out to the farmer, "How did you get all these
three-legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya' see, it's me, my wife, and my son
living here, and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only
has two legs, I started breeding this three-legged variety so we could all
eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver. "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know," said the farmer, "we can't catch 'em."
********************************
Here's the exercise program I'm using to stay in shape this year. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
AS ALWAYS, CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.
SCROLL DOWN...>
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NOW SCROLL UP...
Okay, that's enough for the first day!
********************************
If my body were a car, I would be thinking about trading it in for anewer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and mypaint job is getting a little dull; but that's not the worst of it .... My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They wereonce as sleek as a little MG, but now they look more like an oldBuick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up ALL belts after I discovered Haagen Dazs. Air bags? Forget it ... the only bags I have these days are under my eyes ... not counting the saddle bags, of course. I have SO many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things; but when's the last time an appraiserfactored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things, even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently, my 'mpg' is terrible. BUT - here's the worst of it: almost every time I sneeze, cough, or sputter ~ my radiator leaks!
********************************
During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.
After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?" The student replied, "Big ones."
Sunday, May 01, 2005
hUMOR For May 1st
********************************
Credit Card
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with
was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took
out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush,
"Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
********************************
A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.
"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of tires. Maybe I can help here."
"You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
This is an original pun by list member Randy Foncree.
There are many road signs, but there are some that just puzzle me: "No passing zone, no crossing zone, and even speed zone."
Just answer me this, "Who does this Zone fellow think he is?!"
********************************
*Adolescence*
**Nowadays our youngsters are acting as if adolescence is the last fling at life instead of the introduction to it.
**Some philosopher said that adolescence is the best substitute ever invented for experience.
**Adolescence begins when children stop asking questions -- not because they don't want to learn, but because they know all the answers.
**I can't make up my mind, does adolescence ruin cars or do cars ruin the younger generation.
**I think parents dread adolescence because they remember what they used to do during this period.
**This is that wonderful time when girls stop making faces at boys and slip into making eyes.
**You can easily tell when a child enters adolescence -- they start asking questions that you CAN answer but wish you didn't have to.
**Children are first aware they are entering the period when they find their parents become more difficult.
**This is that confusing period where children are too young to give advice and too old to take any.
**This is a period of time-warping. Your kids age five years -- from 13 to 18 -- while you age 20 years.
**It is easy to recognize an adolescent boy -- it's the time when he goes from quoting his dad to criticizing the old man.
**Finally, what really gets me mad is that this is the time my boy begins objecting to my wanting my own way!
Credit Card
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with
was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took
out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush,
"Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
********************************
A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.
"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of tires. Maybe I can help here."
"You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
This is an original pun by list member Randy Foncree.
There are many road signs, but there are some that just puzzle me: "No passing zone, no crossing zone, and even speed zone."
Just answer me this, "Who does this Zone fellow think he is?!"
********************************
*Adolescence*
**Nowadays our youngsters are acting as if adolescence is the last fling at life instead of the introduction to it.
**Some philosopher said that adolescence is the best substitute ever invented for experience.
**Adolescence begins when children stop asking questions -- not because they don't want to learn, but because they know all the answers.
**I can't make up my mind, does adolescence ruin cars or do cars ruin the younger generation.
**I think parents dread adolescence because they remember what they used to do during this period.
**This is that wonderful time when girls stop making faces at boys and slip into making eyes.
**You can easily tell when a child enters adolescence -- they start asking questions that you CAN answer but wish you didn't have to.
**Children are first aware they are entering the period when they find their parents become more difficult.
**This is that confusing period where children are too young to give advice and too old to take any.
**This is a period of time-warping. Your kids age five years -- from 13 to 18 -- while you age 20 years.
**It is easy to recognize an adolescent boy -- it's the time when he goes from quoting his dad to criticizing the old man.
**Finally, what really gets me mad is that this is the time my boy begins objecting to my wanting my own way!
Saturday, April 30, 2005
hUMOR For April 30th
********************************
*From British Newspapers*
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
2) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
3) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)
4) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a guage. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
********************************
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case."
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible."
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
"Under same management for over 2000 years."
"Soul food served here."
"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."
"What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies."
"If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard."
"To belittle is to be little."
"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you."
"God answers kneemail."
"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back."
********************************
A visitor from Buffalo was strolling along the California surf one morning. During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing pole clutched in his hands, sound asleep against the side of a huge coastal rock. Just then the pole began to jerk violently. "Hey, there!" cried the visitor as he roused the fisherman. "Look out there! You have a bite."
"So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out at the water. "If you don't mind, will you pull in the line for me?" The visitor, somewhat surprised, did as he was requested.
"Now, mister," continued the fisherman, "put some fresh bait on the hook and cast the line out for me." Again the visitor complied.
After doing so he turned to the lazy angler. "You know," he declared, "anyone as lazy as you ought to get married and have a son to do these things for him."
"That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman. "Know where I could find a pregnant woman?"
********************************
NON-BIBLICAL PROVERBS: He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A day without sunshine is like... night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. You can't have everything; where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
********************************
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.""Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.""The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.""Under same management for over 2000 years.""Soul food served here.""Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!""Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!""Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.""Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?""Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.""Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!""Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary.""It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees.""What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?""A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.""The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday.""Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.""Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.""Forbidden fruit creates many jams.""Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!""Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies.""If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of thedevil's orchard.""To belittle is to be little.""Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness inyou.""God answers kneemail.""Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take youback."
*From British Newspapers*
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
2) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
3) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)
4) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a guage. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
********************************
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case."
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible."
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
"Under same management for over 2000 years."
"Soul food served here."
"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."
"What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies."
"If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard."
"To belittle is to be little."
"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you."
"God answers kneemail."
"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back."
********************************
A visitor from Buffalo was strolling along the California surf one morning. During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing pole clutched in his hands, sound asleep against the side of a huge coastal rock. Just then the pole began to jerk violently. "Hey, there!" cried the visitor as he roused the fisherman. "Look out there! You have a bite."
"So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out at the water. "If you don't mind, will you pull in the line for me?" The visitor, somewhat surprised, did as he was requested.
"Now, mister," continued the fisherman, "put some fresh bait on the hook and cast the line out for me." Again the visitor complied.
After doing so he turned to the lazy angler. "You know," he declared, "anyone as lazy as you ought to get married and have a son to do these things for him."
"That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman. "Know where I could find a pregnant woman?"
********************************
NON-BIBLICAL PROVERBS: He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A day without sunshine is like... night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. You can't have everything; where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
********************************
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.""Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.""The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.""Under same management for over 2000 years.""Soul food served here.""Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!""Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!""Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.""Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?""Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.""Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!""Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary.""It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees.""What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?""A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.""The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday.""Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.""Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.""Forbidden fruit creates many jams.""Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!""Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies.""If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of thedevil's orchard.""To belittle is to be little.""Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness inyou.""God answers kneemail.""Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take youback."
Friday, April 29, 2005
hUMOR For April 29th
********************************
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."
The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
********************************
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."
The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
********************************
A boy walked to and from school daily. On one particular morning, the weather was questionable as clouds were forming and the sky was grey, but the boy made his daily trek to the elementary school anyway.
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up and the thunder and lightning began to roll. The boy's mother was concerned that her son would be frightened as he walked home from school and feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Worried, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. Upon finding her son, she noticed her boy was walking along just fine, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. More lightning followed and with each one the boy would look at the streak of light and smile.
Puzzled, the mother approached him in her car, lowered the window and asked him, "What are you doing?"
The child answered, "I am trying to look nice, God keeps taking my picture."
********************************
*A Look In the Mirror*
Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.
Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Cheerleader or if she is PMS'ing: sees fat/pimples/UGLY. (Mom I can't go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too/short/too tall, too straight/too curly"- but decides she's going anyway.
Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she goes anyway.
Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/ too thin, too short/to tall too straight/too curly"- but says: "At least I'm clean" and goes anyway.
Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes where ever she wants to.
Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."
The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
********************************
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."
The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
********************************
A boy walked to and from school daily. On one particular morning, the weather was questionable as clouds were forming and the sky was grey, but the boy made his daily trek to the elementary school anyway.
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up and the thunder and lightning began to roll. The boy's mother was concerned that her son would be frightened as he walked home from school and feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Worried, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. Upon finding her son, she noticed her boy was walking along just fine, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. More lightning followed and with each one the boy would look at the streak of light and smile.
Puzzled, the mother approached him in her car, lowered the window and asked him, "What are you doing?"
The child answered, "I am trying to look nice, God keeps taking my picture."
********************************
*A Look In the Mirror*
Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.
Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Cheerleader or if she is PMS'ing: sees fat/pimples/UGLY. (Mom I can't go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too/short/too tall, too straight/too curly"- but decides she's going anyway.
Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she goes anyway.
Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/ too thin, too short/to tall too straight/too curly"- but says: "At least I'm clean" and goes anyway.
Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes where ever she wants to.
Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.
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