********************************
Mom's Definitions (Part 2)
MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look
better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
MAYBE: No.
MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned
into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
MUSH: 1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element of
Mom's favorite movies.
NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a
full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling
clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats,
cars and animals.
OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
PANIC: What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.
PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their
rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have
someone else to clean up after.
PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of
dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to
play in front of company.
PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never
find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic
container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a
football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the
first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm,
rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a
book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.
ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom
who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching
offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.
SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and
snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold
and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric
which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to
understand her child's "special needs."
TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.
TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each
morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like
Daddy."
WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent
ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.
"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime
and punishment.
XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note
in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before
kids refuse to eat it.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
"Good afternoon, my good barkeep, a pint of Less if you please," said the old man as he entered the tavern.
"Less? Never heard of it," replied the barman.
"Oh, come now surely you have," he persisted.
"No sorry, we certainly don't stock it. What is it anyway? Some foreign beer?"
"Well I'm not sure," admitted the man. "It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink less."
********************************
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You
know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see
very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Million," she wrote the first son, "the house you built is
so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the
whole house."
"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I
stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."
********************************
Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.
"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina. "That 96' beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. That one over there 104' is owned by the head of Goldman, Sachs. And look at that huge 210' yacht out there. That's the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache."
His friend Morris was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face.
"What's the matter?" Goodman asked.
"I was just wondering," Morris said. "why aren't there any customers' yachts?"
********************************
Timmy was a little five year old boy whose Mom loved him very much, and being a worrier, she was concerned about his walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the first couple of days, and at the end of the week, he came home from school and told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys" he protested loudly. So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed. The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day-all week long. Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?" Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."The friend said, "Well, who is she?""That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy." "Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?" "Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get used to it."
Friday, May 06, 2005
Thursday, May 05, 2005
hUMOR For May 5th
********************************
The Jewish Chronicle had heard that Benny was coming up to his 110th birthday so they sent one of their reporters to interview him.
"How do you account for your longevity?" asked the reporter.
"You could say that I am a health nut," Benny answered. "I have never smoked or drunk alcohol, I am always in bed by ten o'clock, I've been going to Israeli folk dance classes since I was a teenager and I've always walked three miles a day, even in rain or snow."
"But," said the reporter, "my uncle Saul followed exactly the same routine and he died when he was 75.So how come it didn't work for him?"
"All I can say," replied Benny "is that he didn't keep it up long enough."
********************************
A man goes into his regular barber shop, sits down at the chair and the barber ask him how he would like his hair cut this time.
The customer replied, "Well, lets see. Leave the left side long, take quite a bit off the right side to make it really short. I want the very back to have a mohawk and the front and top to be spotty and irregular."
The barber was astonished and said he could not cut hair that way.
"Why not," the customer replied, "you cut it that way last time!"
********************************
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
********************************
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
The Jewish Chronicle had heard that Benny was coming up to his 110th birthday so they sent one of their reporters to interview him.
"How do you account for your longevity?" asked the reporter.
"You could say that I am a health nut," Benny answered. "I have never smoked or drunk alcohol, I am always in bed by ten o'clock, I've been going to Israeli folk dance classes since I was a teenager and I've always walked three miles a day, even in rain or snow."
"But," said the reporter, "my uncle Saul followed exactly the same routine and he died when he was 75.So how come it didn't work for him?"
"All I can say," replied Benny "is that he didn't keep it up long enough."
********************************
A man goes into his regular barber shop, sits down at the chair and the barber ask him how he would like his hair cut this time.
The customer replied, "Well, lets see. Leave the left side long, take quite a bit off the right side to make it really short. I want the very back to have a mohawk and the front and top to be spotty and irregular."
The barber was astonished and said he could not cut hair that way.
"Why not," the customer replied, "you cut it that way last time!"
********************************
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
********************************
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
hUMOR For May 4th
********************************
At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels. A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in.
When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Gramma, could I have a quarter?"
********************************
I heard a story years ago which, I hope, will bring a lot of comfort to those who are taunted with the "if you had more faith..." issue. I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear.
The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?"
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Then the next time someone says that hit, them over the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
The sandwich dates back to the time man discovered he could not live by bread alone.
********************************
A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened.
A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man.
After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a bad carburetor to me." Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.
Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked.
The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie."
The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carburetor to me.'"
The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about cars."
At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a full size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what the pilot sees and feels. A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets in.
When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then, he looked out at us and said, "Gramma, could I have a quarter?"
********************************
I heard a story years ago which, I hope, will bring a lot of comfort to those who are taunted with the "if you had more faith..." issue. I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear.
The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?"
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Then the next time someone says that hit, them over the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
The sandwich dates back to the time man discovered he could not live by bread alone.
********************************
A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had happened.
A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the hood beside the man.
After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks like a bad carburetor to me." Then she walked back into the field and began grazing again.
Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your cow in the field?" he asked.
The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's old Bessie."
The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just said, 'Looks like a bad carburetor to me.'"
The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie, son. She don't know a thing about cars."
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
hUMOR For May 3rd
********************************
*Rules For Choosing A Superhero Name*
1. Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
4. Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman.
5. But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g., Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil
7. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.
9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.
10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.
11. Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90.
12. Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.
********************************
Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick, 45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Grandfather pulled out a dollar bill on which he had printed, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet; and so is my grandfather!
********************************
An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout. "You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."
The trusty Indian Scout laid down and put his ear to the ground. "Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint. Many many guns.Medicine man also with them."
"Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"
"No," replied the Indian, "I can see under the gate."
********************************
A visiting minister during the offertory prayer: “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust...”
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
“Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?”
Church was pretty much over at that point...
********************************
Little Old Ladies
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep." "I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."
********************************
At the Movies
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went
inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served,
the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down
and gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
*Rules For Choosing A Superhero Name*
1. Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Dean Martin.
3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
4. Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-so, Fairly Incredibleman.
5. But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g., Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Purple Slippers, Captain Evil
7. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.
8. It's no use calling yourself Captain Invincible if your only power is control over Hostess Twinkies and you suffer from a congenital heart condition. It's just asking for trouble.
9. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're not.
10. Don't call yourself the Invisible Boy if you're a girl.
11. Don't give away important information in your name, e.g. The Glass Jaw, Captain Vulnerable To Strontium 90.
12. Don't call yourself The Green Avenger if you wear an orange costume. You'll confuse people.
********************************
Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick, 45-foot, downhill putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Grandfather pulled out a dollar bill on which he had printed, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet; and so is my grandfather!
********************************
An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout. "You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."
The trusty Indian Scout laid down and put his ear to the ground. "Heap large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint. Many many guns.Medicine man also with them."
"Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"
"No," replied the Indian, "I can see under the gate."
********************************
A visiting minister during the offertory prayer: “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust...”
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,
“Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?”
Church was pretty much over at that point...
********************************
Little Old Ladies
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep." "I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."
********************************
At the Movies
After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my girlfriend, she went
inside to find seats while I got some popcorn. By the time I was served,
the previews were being shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down
and gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
Monday, May 02, 2005
hUMOR For May 2nd
********************************
"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.
The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."
********************************
Chicken Legs
A man was driving along a rural road, one day, when he saw a three-legged
chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while.
As he was driving, he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. "Pretty fast
chicken," he thought, "I wonder just how fast it can run." So, he sped up
and the chicken did, too!
They were, now, moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped
up, again. To his surprise, the chicken was still running ahead of him at
60 mph!
Suddenly, the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway,
leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw
a man in the yard, and dozens of three-legged chickens.
The man in the car called out to the farmer, "How did you get all these
three-legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya' see, it's me, my wife, and my son
living here, and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only
has two legs, I started breeding this three-legged variety so we could all
eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver. "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know," said the farmer, "we can't catch 'em."
********************************
Here's the exercise program I'm using to stay in shape this year. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
AS ALWAYS, CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.
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Okay, that's enough for the first day!
********************************
If my body were a car, I would be thinking about trading it in for anewer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and mypaint job is getting a little dull; but that's not the worst of it .... My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They wereonce as sleek as a little MG, but now they look more like an oldBuick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up ALL belts after I discovered Haagen Dazs. Air bags? Forget it ... the only bags I have these days are under my eyes ... not counting the saddle bags, of course. I have SO many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things; but when's the last time an appraiserfactored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things, even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently, my 'mpg' is terrible. BUT - here's the worst of it: almost every time I sneeze, cough, or sputter ~ my radiator leaks!
********************************
During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.
After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?" The student replied, "Big ones."
"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.
The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."
********************************
Chicken Legs
A man was driving along a rural road, one day, when he saw a three-legged
chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while.
As he was driving, he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph. "Pretty fast
chicken," he thought, "I wonder just how fast it can run." So, he sped up
and the chicken did, too!
They were, now, moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped
up, again. To his surprise, the chicken was still running ahead of him at
60 mph!
Suddenly, the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway,
leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw
a man in the yard, and dozens of three-legged chickens.
The man in the car called out to the farmer, "How did you get all these
three-legged chickens?"
The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya' see, it's me, my wife, and my son
living here, and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only
has two legs, I started breeding this three-legged variety so we could all
eat our favorite piece."
"That's amazing!" said the driver. "How do they taste?"
"Don't rightly know," said the farmer, "we can't catch 'em."
********************************
Here's the exercise program I'm using to stay in shape this year. You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
AS ALWAYS, CONSULT YOUR DOCTOR BEFORE STARTING ANY EXERCISE PROGRAM.
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NOW SCROLL UP...
Okay, that's enough for the first day!
********************************
If my body were a car, I would be thinking about trading it in for anewer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and mypaint job is getting a little dull; but that's not the worst of it .... My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They wereonce as sleek as a little MG, but now they look more like an oldBuick. My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging. Seat belts? I gave up ALL belts after I discovered Haagen Dazs. Air bags? Forget it ... the only bags I have these days are under my eyes ... not counting the saddle bags, of course. I have SO many miles on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things; but when's the last time an appraiserfactored life experiences against depreciation? My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things, even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently, my 'mpg' is terrible. BUT - here's the worst of it: almost every time I sneeze, cough, or sputter ~ my radiator leaks!
********************************
During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.
After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?" The student replied, "Big ones."
Sunday, May 01, 2005
hUMOR For May 1st
********************************
Credit Card
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with
was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took
out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush,
"Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
********************************
A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.
"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of tires. Maybe I can help here."
"You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
This is an original pun by list member Randy Foncree.
There are many road signs, but there are some that just puzzle me: "No passing zone, no crossing zone, and even speed zone."
Just answer me this, "Who does this Zone fellow think he is?!"
********************************
*Adolescence*
**Nowadays our youngsters are acting as if adolescence is the last fling at life instead of the introduction to it.
**Some philosopher said that adolescence is the best substitute ever invented for experience.
**Adolescence begins when children stop asking questions -- not because they don't want to learn, but because they know all the answers.
**I can't make up my mind, does adolescence ruin cars or do cars ruin the younger generation.
**I think parents dread adolescence because they remember what they used to do during this period.
**This is that wonderful time when girls stop making faces at boys and slip into making eyes.
**You can easily tell when a child enters adolescence -- they start asking questions that you CAN answer but wish you didn't have to.
**Children are first aware they are entering the period when they find their parents become more difficult.
**This is that confusing period where children are too young to give advice and too old to take any.
**This is a period of time-warping. Your kids age five years -- from 13 to 18 -- while you age 20 years.
**It is easy to recognize an adolescent boy -- it's the time when he goes from quoting his dad to criticizing the old man.
**Finally, what really gets me mad is that this is the time my boy begins objecting to my wanting my own way!
Credit Card
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with
was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took
out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush,
"Is that a platinum card?"
"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."
********************************
A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.
"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of tires. Maybe I can help here."
"You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
This is an original pun by list member Randy Foncree.
There are many road signs, but there are some that just puzzle me: "No passing zone, no crossing zone, and even speed zone."
Just answer me this, "Who does this Zone fellow think he is?!"
********************************
*Adolescence*
**Nowadays our youngsters are acting as if adolescence is the last fling at life instead of the introduction to it.
**Some philosopher said that adolescence is the best substitute ever invented for experience.
**Adolescence begins when children stop asking questions -- not because they don't want to learn, but because they know all the answers.
**I can't make up my mind, does adolescence ruin cars or do cars ruin the younger generation.
**I think parents dread adolescence because they remember what they used to do during this period.
**This is that wonderful time when girls stop making faces at boys and slip into making eyes.
**You can easily tell when a child enters adolescence -- they start asking questions that you CAN answer but wish you didn't have to.
**Children are first aware they are entering the period when they find their parents become more difficult.
**This is that confusing period where children are too young to give advice and too old to take any.
**This is a period of time-warping. Your kids age five years -- from 13 to 18 -- while you age 20 years.
**It is easy to recognize an adolescent boy -- it's the time when he goes from quoting his dad to criticizing the old man.
**Finally, what really gets me mad is that this is the time my boy begins objecting to my wanting my own way!
Saturday, April 30, 2005
hUMOR For April 30th
********************************
*From British Newspapers*
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
2) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
3) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)
4) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a guage. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
********************************
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case."
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible."
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
"Under same management for over 2000 years."
"Soul food served here."
"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."
"What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies."
"If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard."
"To belittle is to be little."
"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you."
"God answers kneemail."
"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back."
********************************
A visitor from Buffalo was strolling along the California surf one morning. During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing pole clutched in his hands, sound asleep against the side of a huge coastal rock. Just then the pole began to jerk violently. "Hey, there!" cried the visitor as he roused the fisherman. "Look out there! You have a bite."
"So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out at the water. "If you don't mind, will you pull in the line for me?" The visitor, somewhat surprised, did as he was requested.
"Now, mister," continued the fisherman, "put some fresh bait on the hook and cast the line out for me." Again the visitor complied.
After doing so he turned to the lazy angler. "You know," he declared, "anyone as lazy as you ought to get married and have a son to do these things for him."
"That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman. "Know where I could find a pregnant woman?"
********************************
NON-BIBLICAL PROVERBS: He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A day without sunshine is like... night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. You can't have everything; where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
********************************
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.""Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.""The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.""Under same management for over 2000 years.""Soul food served here.""Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!""Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!""Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.""Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?""Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.""Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!""Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary.""It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees.""What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?""A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.""The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday.""Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.""Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.""Forbidden fruit creates many jams.""Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!""Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies.""If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of thedevil's orchard.""To belittle is to be little.""Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness inyou.""God answers kneemail.""Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take youback."
*From British Newspapers*
1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
2) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
3) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)
4) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a guage. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)
********************************
"Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case."
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible."
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
"Under same management for over 2000 years."
"Soul food served here."
"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."
"What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies."
"If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard."
"To belittle is to be little."
"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you."
"God answers kneemail."
"Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back."
********************************
A visitor from Buffalo was strolling along the California surf one morning. During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing pole clutched in his hands, sound asleep against the side of a huge coastal rock. Just then the pole began to jerk violently. "Hey, there!" cried the visitor as he roused the fisherman. "Look out there! You have a bite."
"So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out at the water. "If you don't mind, will you pull in the line for me?" The visitor, somewhat surprised, did as he was requested.
"Now, mister," continued the fisherman, "put some fresh bait on the hook and cast the line out for me." Again the visitor complied.
After doing so he turned to the lazy angler. "You know," he declared, "anyone as lazy as you ought to get married and have a son to do these things for him."
"That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman. "Know where I could find a pregnant woman?"
********************************
NON-BIBLICAL PROVERBS: He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A day without sunshine is like... night. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. You can't have everything; where would you put it? Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population. The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
********************************
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.""Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.""The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.""Under same management for over 2000 years.""Soul food served here.""Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!""Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!""Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.""Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?""Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.""Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!""Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary.""It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees.""What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?""A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.""The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday.""Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.""Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.""Forbidden fruit creates many jams.""Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!""Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies.""If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of thedevil's orchard.""To belittle is to be little.""Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness inyou.""God answers kneemail.""Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take youback."
Friday, April 29, 2005
hUMOR For April 29th
********************************
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."
The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
********************************
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."
The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
********************************
A boy walked to and from school daily. On one particular morning, the weather was questionable as clouds were forming and the sky was grey, but the boy made his daily trek to the elementary school anyway.
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up and the thunder and lightning began to roll. The boy's mother was concerned that her son would be frightened as he walked home from school and feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Worried, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. Upon finding her son, she noticed her boy was walking along just fine, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. More lightning followed and with each one the boy would look at the streak of light and smile.
Puzzled, the mother approached him in her car, lowered the window and asked him, "What are you doing?"
The child answered, "I am trying to look nice, God keeps taking my picture."
********************************
*A Look In the Mirror*
Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.
Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Cheerleader or if she is PMS'ing: sees fat/pimples/UGLY. (Mom I can't go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too/short/too tall, too straight/too curly"- but decides she's going anyway.
Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she goes anyway.
Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/ too thin, too short/to tall too straight/too curly"- but says: "At least I'm clean" and goes anyway.
Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes where ever she wants to.
Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."
The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
********************************
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work," acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."
The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
********************************
A boy walked to and from school daily. On one particular morning, the weather was questionable as clouds were forming and the sky was grey, but the boy made his daily trek to the elementary school anyway.
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up and the thunder and lightning began to roll. The boy's mother was concerned that her son would be frightened as he walked home from school and feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Worried, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. Upon finding her son, she noticed her boy was walking along just fine, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. More lightning followed and with each one the boy would look at the streak of light and smile.
Puzzled, the mother approached him in her car, lowered the window and asked him, "What are you doing?"
The child answered, "I am trying to look nice, God keeps taking my picture."
********************************
*A Look In the Mirror*
Age 8: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty.
Age 15: Looks at herself and sees herself as Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Cheerleader or if she is PMS'ing: sees fat/pimples/UGLY. (Mom I can't go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too/short/too tall, too straight/too curly"- but decides she's going anyway.
Age 30: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she goes anyway.
Age 40: Looks at herself and sees "too fat/ too thin, too short/to tall too straight/too curly"- but says: "At least I'm clean" and goes anyway.
Age 50: Looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes where ever she wants to.
Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
hUMOR For April 28th
********************************
During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor was asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?"
"Yes, was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"
********************************
One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"
The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."
********************************
How to clean the toilet:
1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)
4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".)
5. Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)
6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
7. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!
Sincerely, The Dog
********************************
Husband's Estimate
Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her
look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the
"miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I
am?"
Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor was asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?"
"Yes, was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"
********************************
One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammered, "Jeez Doc, exactly what is my problem?"
The doctor replied, "You're not drinking enough water."
********************************
How to clean the toilet:
1. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)
4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse".)
5. Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)
6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
7. The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!
Sincerely, The Dog
********************************
Husband's Estimate
Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her
look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the
"miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I
am?"
Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
hUMOR For April 27th
********************************
While I was serving as a chief master sergeant at Barksdale Air Force Base in Bossier City, La., my son and namesake was also serving there. His two month old son, whose name was the same as ours, was receiving medical treatments at the base hospital.
I went on sick call one morning, and as the doctor reviewed my file, he looked at me in disbelief. "Are you Curtis E. Chaffin?" he asked.
When I answered yes, he told me, "It says here that you turn blue when you cry."
********************************
A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running low on coal. The engineer said to his fireman, "We're coming to a town, let's stop and send the porter out to get more coal. Can you see the name of the town on the depot sign?"
The fireman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark."
And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"
********************************
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God had to deal with His disobedient children: Adam and Eve.
And the first thing He said to them was:
"Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve . . . we got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
********************************
Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate."
He said to Harrigan, "If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?"
He said, "I would that, Father."
The priest said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbour next door?"
Harrigan said, "No."
The priest said, "And why not?"
He said, "I have two greyhounds."
********************************
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?”
********************************
Unbreakable Combs
The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department
store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the
comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb
completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a
beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone
to see and said,
"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on
the inside..."
While I was serving as a chief master sergeant at Barksdale Air Force Base in Bossier City, La., my son and namesake was also serving there. His two month old son, whose name was the same as ours, was receiving medical treatments at the base hospital.
I went on sick call one morning, and as the doctor reviewed my file, he looked at me in disbelief. "Are you Curtis E. Chaffin?" he asked.
When I answered yes, he told me, "It says here that you turn blue when you cry."
********************************
A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running low on coal. The engineer said to his fireman, "We're coming to a town, let's stop and send the porter out to get more coal. Can you see the name of the town on the depot sign?"
The fireman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark."
And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"
********************************
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God had to deal with His disobedient children: Adam and Eve.
And the first thing He said to them was:
"Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve . . . we got Forbidden Fruit!"
"No way!"
"Yes WAY!"
"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I'm your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Eve answered.
"She started it!" Adam said.
"Did Not!"
"DID so!"
"DID NOT!!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
********************************
Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate."
He said to Harrigan, "If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?"
He said, "I would that, Father."
The priest said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbour next door?"
Harrigan said, "No."
The priest said, "And why not?"
He said, "I have two greyhounds."
********************************
Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Blonde Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?”
********************************
Unbreakable Combs
The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department
store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the
comb through all sorts of torture and stress.
Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb
completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a
beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone
to see and said,
"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on
the inside..."
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
hUMOR For April 26th
********************************
Harry came into the office an hour late for the third time in a week. "What's the story this time, Harry?" his boss asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Harry sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the draw bridge got stuck. I swam across the river--see, my suit's still damp--ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Trump's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Harry," said the boss. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes!"
********************************
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50 or hovering over 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to be nice and conform to the fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon the world.
So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the results. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go
together:
1. A nose ring and bifocals,
2. Spiked hair and bald spots,
3. A pierced tongue and dentures,
4. Miniskirts and support hose,
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads,
6. Speedos and cellulite,
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar,
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor,
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge,
10. Bikinis and liver spots,
11. Short shorts and varicose veins,
12. In-line skates and a walker.
********************************
Natural Laws ...
"The Law of Volunteering"If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Reality"Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice"When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"Weiler's Law" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law" In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug.
"Heller's Law" The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Osborne's Law" Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law" For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Berg's Second Law" If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
********************************
Mother's Ring
While picking up a prescription, I noticed that the woman who gave me my
medication was wearing a beautiful mother's ring.
"I love your ring," I said. "It's very similar to mine." And I held out my
hand to show her. Each ring had three birthstones. "You have three
children too?" I asked.
"Well, no," the woman replied. "When my daughter picked this out for me,
she liked the rings with three settings the best. So I have birthstones
for two daughters, and this one," she said while pointing to the center
gem, "is for the cat."
Harry came into the office an hour late for the third time in a week. "What's the story this time, Harry?" his boss asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Harry sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the draw bridge got stuck. I swam across the river--see, my suit's still damp--ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Trump's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Harry," said the boss. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes!"
********************************
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50 or hovering over 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to be nice and conform to the fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon the world.
So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the results. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go
together:
1. A nose ring and bifocals,
2. Spiked hair and bald spots,
3. A pierced tongue and dentures,
4. Miniskirts and support hose,
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads,
6. Speedos and cellulite,
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar,
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor,
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge,
10. Bikinis and liver spots,
11. Short shorts and varicose veins,
12. In-line skates and a walker.
********************************
Natural Laws ...
"The Law of Volunteering"If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Reality"Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice"When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"Weiler's Law" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law" In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug.
"Heller's Law" The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Osborne's Law" Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law" For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Berg's Second Law" If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
********************************
Mother's Ring
While picking up a prescription, I noticed that the woman who gave me my
medication was wearing a beautiful mother's ring.
"I love your ring," I said. "It's very similar to mine." And I held out my
hand to show her. Each ring had three birthstones. "You have three
children too?" I asked.
"Well, no," the woman replied. "When my daughter picked this out for me,
she liked the rings with three settings the best. So I have birthstones
for two daughters, and this one," she said while pointing to the center
gem, "is for the cat."
Monday, April 25, 2005
hUMOR For April 25th
********************************
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
********************************
Honeymoon in England
On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at
London's Gatwick Airport.
My new bride headed for the British passport control line while I, an
American, waited in the foreigners' line. When my turn came, the customs
officer asked me the purpose of my visit.
"Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon."
The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. "That's very
interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport. "Most men bring
their wives with them."
********************************
A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. You have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.
Later that day the pastor and his wife came over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty. You have to put something into it!"
********************************
*Grandpa's Pearls of Wisdom*
- Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
- Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
- Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
- When a man marries a woman, they become one but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
- If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.
- Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.
- On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present.
- A foolish husband remarked to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
- The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
- Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'
********************************
Honeymoon in England
On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived at
London's Gatwick Airport.
My new bride headed for the British passport control line while I, an
American, waited in the foreigners' line. When my turn came, the customs
officer asked me the purpose of my visit.
"Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon."
The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. "That's very
interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport. "Most men bring
their wives with them."
********************************
A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. You have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.
Later that day the pastor and his wife came over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty. You have to put something into it!"
********************************
*Grandpa's Pearls of Wisdom*
- Whether a man winds up with the nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
- Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
- Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.
- When a man marries a woman, they become one but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
- If a man has enough "horse sense" to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never be an old nag.
- Judgin' from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush.
- On anniversaries the wise husband always forgets the past...but never the present.
- A foolish husband remarked to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
- The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
- Many girls like to marry a military man--he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health...and he's already used to taking orders.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
hUMOR For April 24th
Holy Cowboy
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his
first visit to a big-city church.
"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe
began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly
fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat
down beside her."
********************************
To Unsubscribe From The CleanLaugh List
Though I know you all enjoy being on this list, should you ever want to unsubscribe from it please follow these simple instructions.
To unsubscribe from this service you must first purchase a Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit. The unit can be obtained from most hardware stores and dental clinics.
Be sure to obtain the proper permits to operate the unit from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission and the Food and Drug Administration in Washington D.C. USA.
Be sure to carefully unpack the kit and place each component in its accompanying mesh safety bag. Mount the Pershing DF4 mesinator on top of the perforated Gerring Mach 77 refibulator and attach them using the eight-millimetre torque fork. Be sure that the refibulator is mounted at a 66 degree angle and properly dispersed so that it is flush with the curved section of the Pyrex thistle tube.
Place the four sections of the triangular separation gear into the posture cylinder and lock them into place using the band aid adhesive strip. Insert the wiggling pin into the wobbling hole, making sure that it seated correctly.
Place the D cell battery and the eleven 9 volt batteries in the power chamber.
The device should be calibrated before operation using the optional digital corkscrew accessory pack prior to operation. Insert the digital corkscrew through the electronic combustion service chamber using caution not to touch the reinforced tungsten igniter control module, and quickly turn the inverter drive to 28.6 degrees.
Turn the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit upside down and hit the bottom plate with a 48-ounce ball-peen hammer while shaking the unit vigorously.
Force open the door to the incineration valve compartment and set the pressure gauge to 719 psi. Close the door and seal it shut with duct tape. The unit should now be properly calibrated and ready to use.
Before activating the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit, you must first elevate it to a height of 229 feet above sea level to insure that the unit receives the proper oxygen level and barometric pressure. Point the aerial to 17 degrees north by Northeast to within the parameters of the Telstar GS-2 weather satellite and apply pressure to the wing shaft on the southern most section of the modular accelerator.
Using the special ratchet adapter supplied with the unit, rotate the heater core to the "on" position. The "on" position has been obtained when the green light begins to flash, signifying that the red light is about to go off.
Once the red light is off, flip the toggle switch labelled "ON/OFF" to the "ON" position and count to 47 before logging on to the system.
Logon using your username and password and wait for the prompt. Once prompted you must check the box with the appropriate action you wish to take and then press the pressure release button and turn off the compressor while turning the hand crank at 231 meters per minute.
Next, press control, alt, delete, caps lock, shift, number lock, escape and tab simultaneously.
Press enter.
You will have one second to complete the procedure. If you fail to respond in the time limit allowed, simply purchase a new Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit and start from the beginning.
Please remember that this is the only way we will accept for you to unsubscribe from this service. We have made every attempt to simplify the procedure for your convenience.
Failure to comply with the unsubscribe policy will result in immediate termination of your subscription so please follow the above directions closely.
********************************
To Unsubscribe From The CleanLaugh List
Though I know you all enjoy being on this list, should you ever want to unsubscribe from it please follow these simple instructions.
To unsubscribe from this service you must first purchase a Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit. The unit can be obtained from most hardware stores and dental clinics.
Be sure to obtain the proper permits to operate the unit from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission and the Food and Drug Administration in Washington D.C. USA.
Be sure to carefully unpack the kit and place each component in its accompanying mesh safety bag. Mount the Pershing DF4 mesinator on top of the perforated Gerring Mach 77 refibulator and attach them using the eight-millimetre torque fork. Be sure that the refibulator is mounted at a 66 degree angle and properly dispersed so that it is flush with the curved section of the Pyrex thistle tube.
Place the four sections of the triangular separation gear into the posture cylinder and lock them into place using the band aid adhesive strip. Insert the wiggling pin into the wobbling hole, making sure that it seated correctly.
Place the D cell battery and the eleven 9 volt batteries in the power chamber.
The device should be calibrated before operation using the optional digital corkscrew accessory pack prior to operation. Insert the digital corkscrew through the electronic combustion service chamber using caution not to touch the reinforced tungsten igniter control module, and quickly turn the inverter drive to 28.6 degrees.
Turn the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit upside down and hit the bottom plate with a 48-ounce ball-peen hammer while shaking the unit vigorously.
Force open the door to the incineration valve compartment and set the pressure gauge to 719 psi. Close the door and seal it shut with duct tape. The unit should now be properly calibrated and ready to use.
Before activating the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit, you must first elevate it to a height of 229 feet above sea level to insure that the unit receives the proper oxygen level and barometric pressure. Point the aerial to 17 degrees north by Northeast to within the parameters of the Telstar GS-2 weather satellite and apply pressure to the wing shaft on the southern most section of the modular accelerator.
Using the special ratchet adapter supplied with the unit, rotate the heater core to the "on" position. The "on" position has been obtained when the green light begins to flash, signifying that the red light is about to go off.
Once the red light is off, flip the toggle switch labelled "ON/OFF" to the "ON" position and count to 47 before logging on to the system.
Logon using your username and password and wait for the prompt. Once prompted you must check the box with the appropriate action you wish to take and then press the pressure release button and turn off the compressor while turning the hand crank at 231 meters per minute.
Next, press control, alt, delete, caps lock, shift, number lock, escape and tab simultaneously.
Press enter.
You will have one second to complete the procedure. If you fail to respond in the time limit allowed, simply purchase a new Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit and start from the beginning.
Please remember that this is the only way we will accept for you to unsubscribe from this service. We have made every attempt to simplify the procedure for your convenience.
Failure to comply with the unsubscribe policy will result in immediate termination of your subscription so please follow the above directions closely.
********************************
A mother was watching her four year-old son playing outside in a small plastic pool half-filled with water. He was happily walking back and forth across the pool, making big splashes. Suddenly, the little boy stopped, stepped out of the pool, and began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail. "Why are you pouring the water out, dear?" asked the mother. "Because my teacher said Jesus walked on water, and this water doesn't work," he replied.
********************************
Pilot Pride
As one of relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken
for a flight attendant, ticket agent or even a snack bar
employee. Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a
"real" pilot. Still others congratulate me for making it in a
male-dominated field.
One day, I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at the sink,
brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over at
me. "My sister would be so proud of you!" she remarked.
I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled and
asked why.
Replied the woman, "She's a dentist."
********************************
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
********************************
Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
********************************
Rowing Your Boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
********************************
Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his
first visit to a big-city church.
"When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe
began.
"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly
fellow.
"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.
"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.
"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.
"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.
"Pew," Charlie retorted.
"Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat
down beside her."
********************************
To Unsubscribe From The CleanLaugh List
Though I know you all enjoy being on this list, should you ever want to unsubscribe from it please follow these simple instructions.
To unsubscribe from this service you must first purchase a Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit. The unit can be obtained from most hardware stores and dental clinics.
Be sure to obtain the proper permits to operate the unit from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission and the Food and Drug Administration in Washington D.C. USA.
Be sure to carefully unpack the kit and place each component in its accompanying mesh safety bag. Mount the Pershing DF4 mesinator on top of the perforated Gerring Mach 77 refibulator and attach them using the eight-millimetre torque fork. Be sure that the refibulator is mounted at a 66 degree angle and properly dispersed so that it is flush with the curved section of the Pyrex thistle tube.
Place the four sections of the triangular separation gear into the posture cylinder and lock them into place using the band aid adhesive strip. Insert the wiggling pin into the wobbling hole, making sure that it seated correctly.
Place the D cell battery and the eleven 9 volt batteries in the power chamber.
The device should be calibrated before operation using the optional digital corkscrew accessory pack prior to operation. Insert the digital corkscrew through the electronic combustion service chamber using caution not to touch the reinforced tungsten igniter control module, and quickly turn the inverter drive to 28.6 degrees.
Turn the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit upside down and hit the bottom plate with a 48-ounce ball-peen hammer while shaking the unit vigorously.
Force open the door to the incineration valve compartment and set the pressure gauge to 719 psi. Close the door and seal it shut with duct tape. The unit should now be properly calibrated and ready to use.
Before activating the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit, you must first elevate it to a height of 229 feet above sea level to insure that the unit receives the proper oxygen level and barometric pressure. Point the aerial to 17 degrees north by Northeast to within the parameters of the Telstar GS-2 weather satellite and apply pressure to the wing shaft on the southern most section of the modular accelerator.
Using the special ratchet adapter supplied with the unit, rotate the heater core to the "on" position. The "on" position has been obtained when the green light begins to flash, signifying that the red light is about to go off.
Once the red light is off, flip the toggle switch labelled "ON/OFF" to the "ON" position and count to 47 before logging on to the system.
Logon using your username and password and wait for the prompt. Once prompted you must check the box with the appropriate action you wish to take and then press the pressure release button and turn off the compressor while turning the hand crank at 231 meters per minute.
Next, press control, alt, delete, caps lock, shift, number lock, escape and tab simultaneously.
Press enter.
You will have one second to complete the procedure. If you fail to respond in the time limit allowed, simply purchase a new Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit and start from the beginning.
Please remember that this is the only way we will accept for you to unsubscribe from this service. We have made every attempt to simplify the procedure for your convenience.
Failure to comply with the unsubscribe policy will result in immediate termination of your subscription so please follow the above directions closely.
********************************
To Unsubscribe From The CleanLaugh List
Though I know you all enjoy being on this list, should you ever want to unsubscribe from it please follow these simple instructions.
To unsubscribe from this service you must first purchase a Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit. The unit can be obtained from most hardware stores and dental clinics.
Be sure to obtain the proper permits to operate the unit from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission and the Food and Drug Administration in Washington D.C. USA.
Be sure to carefully unpack the kit and place each component in its accompanying mesh safety bag. Mount the Pershing DF4 mesinator on top of the perforated Gerring Mach 77 refibulator and attach them using the eight-millimetre torque fork. Be sure that the refibulator is mounted at a 66 degree angle and properly dispersed so that it is flush with the curved section of the Pyrex thistle tube.
Place the four sections of the triangular separation gear into the posture cylinder and lock them into place using the band aid adhesive strip. Insert the wiggling pin into the wobbling hole, making sure that it seated correctly.
Place the D cell battery and the eleven 9 volt batteries in the power chamber.
The device should be calibrated before operation using the optional digital corkscrew accessory pack prior to operation. Insert the digital corkscrew through the electronic combustion service chamber using caution not to touch the reinforced tungsten igniter control module, and quickly turn the inverter drive to 28.6 degrees.
Turn the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit upside down and hit the bottom plate with a 48-ounce ball-peen hammer while shaking the unit vigorously.
Force open the door to the incineration valve compartment and set the pressure gauge to 719 psi. Close the door and seal it shut with duct tape. The unit should now be properly calibrated and ready to use.
Before activating the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit, you must first elevate it to a height of 229 feet above sea level to insure that the unit receives the proper oxygen level and barometric pressure. Point the aerial to 17 degrees north by Northeast to within the parameters of the Telstar GS-2 weather satellite and apply pressure to the wing shaft on the southern most section of the modular accelerator.
Using the special ratchet adapter supplied with the unit, rotate the heater core to the "on" position. The "on" position has been obtained when the green light begins to flash, signifying that the red light is about to go off.
Once the red light is off, flip the toggle switch labelled "ON/OFF" to the "ON" position and count to 47 before logging on to the system.
Logon using your username and password and wait for the prompt. Once prompted you must check the box with the appropriate action you wish to take and then press the pressure release button and turn off the compressor while turning the hand crank at 231 meters per minute.
Next, press control, alt, delete, caps lock, shift, number lock, escape and tab simultaneously.
Press enter.
You will have one second to complete the procedure. If you fail to respond in the time limit allowed, simply purchase a new Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit and start from the beginning.
Please remember that this is the only way we will accept for you to unsubscribe from this service. We have made every attempt to simplify the procedure for your convenience.
Failure to comply with the unsubscribe policy will result in immediate termination of your subscription so please follow the above directions closely.
********************************
A mother was watching her four year-old son playing outside in a small plastic pool half-filled with water. He was happily walking back and forth across the pool, making big splashes. Suddenly, the little boy stopped, stepped out of the pool, and began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail. "Why are you pouring the water out, dear?" asked the mother. "Because my teacher said Jesus walked on water, and this water doesn't work," he replied.
********************************
Pilot Pride
As one of relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken
for a flight attendant, ticket agent or even a snack bar
employee. Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a
"real" pilot. Still others congratulate me for making it in a
male-dominated field.
One day, I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at the sink,
brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over at
me. "My sister would be so proud of you!" she remarked.
I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled and
asked why.
Replied the woman, "She's a dentist."
********************************
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
********************************
Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
********************************
Rowing Your Boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
********************************
Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
Saturday, April 23, 2005
hUMOR For April 23
********************************
Man: "Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?"
Bystander: "It's a girl; she's my daughter."
Man: "Oh, please forgive me sir. I had no idea you were her father!"
Bystander: "I'm not. I'm her mother."
********************************
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members' private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... and left it there all night!
********************************
Phone won't stop ringing? Here's what you do...
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tennesse, had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.
The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.
Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.
The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.
At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, "No problem. How many nights?"
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.
She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch Days Of Our Lives, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.
Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."
Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."
Man: "Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?"
Bystander: "It's a girl; she's my daughter."
Man: "Oh, please forgive me sir. I had no idea you were her father!"
Bystander: "I'm not. I'm her mother."
********************************
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members' private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... and left it there all night!
********************************
Phone won't stop ringing? Here's what you do...
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tennesse, had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.
The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.
From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number.
Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery.
The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.
At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, "No problem. How many nights?"
A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."
The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.
She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch Days Of Our Lives, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June.
Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.
Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."
Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel."
Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."
Friday, April 22, 2005
hUMOR For April 22nd
********************************
Cute Baby
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup,
the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really good-looking."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."
********************************
A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. You have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.
Later that day the pastor and his wife came over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty. You have to put something into it!"
********************************
At a wedding I attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead.
As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"
********************************
One day a man was walking along the beach and found an old bottle washed up on the shore. He picked it up and opened it, and a genie popped out and said "Thanks! You know the drill... you've got three wishes. The only catch is, whatever you ask for, your ex-wife will get double."
The guy thought about this for a minute and said, "OK, fair enough. For my first wish I'd like a million dollars." Poof! A million for him, two million for the ex-wife.
"OK, how about your next wish?" asked the genie. "Well, I think I'd like a mansion by the sea." Once again, everything went as expected - he got his mansion, and the ex-wife got two.
"What would you like for your last wish?" asked the genie.
"My last wish is that I'd like you to scare me half to death!"
********************************
One day a man was walking along the beach and found an old bottle washed up on the shore. He picked it up and opened it, and a genie popped out and said "Thanks! You know the drill... you've got three wishes. The only catch is, whatever you ask for, your ex-wife will get double."
The guy thought about this for a minute and said, "OK, fair enough. For my first wish I'd like a million dollars." Poof! A million for him, two million for the ex-wife.
"OK, how about your next wish?" asked the genie. "Well, I think I'd like a mansion by the sea." Once again, everything went as expected - he got his mansion, and the ex-wife got two.
"What would you like for your last wish?" asked the genie.
"My last wish is that I'd like you to scare me half to death!"
Cute Baby
When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup,
the doctor said, "You have a cute baby."
Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents."
"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really good-looking."
"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.
"He looks just like you."
********************************
A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty. You have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.
Later that day the pastor and his wife came over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty. You have to put something into it!"
********************************
At a wedding I attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead.
As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"
********************************
One day a man was walking along the beach and found an old bottle washed up on the shore. He picked it up and opened it, and a genie popped out and said "Thanks! You know the drill... you've got three wishes. The only catch is, whatever you ask for, your ex-wife will get double."
The guy thought about this for a minute and said, "OK, fair enough. For my first wish I'd like a million dollars." Poof! A million for him, two million for the ex-wife.
"OK, how about your next wish?" asked the genie. "Well, I think I'd like a mansion by the sea." Once again, everything went as expected - he got his mansion, and the ex-wife got two.
"What would you like for your last wish?" asked the genie.
"My last wish is that I'd like you to scare me half to death!"
********************************
One day a man was walking along the beach and found an old bottle washed up on the shore. He picked it up and opened it, and a genie popped out and said "Thanks! You know the drill... you've got three wishes. The only catch is, whatever you ask for, your ex-wife will get double."
The guy thought about this for a minute and said, "OK, fair enough. For my first wish I'd like a million dollars." Poof! A million for him, two million for the ex-wife.
"OK, how about your next wish?" asked the genie. "Well, I think I'd like a mansion by the sea." Once again, everything went as expected - he got his mansion, and the ex-wife got two.
"What would you like for your last wish?" asked the genie.
"My last wish is that I'd like you to scare me half to death!"
Thursday, April 21, 2005
hUMOR For April 21st
********************************
*Who's On First - Computer Version*
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.
What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not; they own it.
********************************
EXCERPTS FROM THE DOG'S DAILY DIARY
8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
EXCERPTS FROM THE CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 283 Of My Captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
This woman decides to buy a new cupboard that you have to assemble yourself. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses.
Thinking that she must have done something wrong she rereads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard.Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses again.
Now, fed up she calls customer service. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look.
The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and get inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse.
At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it.
The technician says "You may find this hard to believe, but I'm just standing here waiting for the next train."
********************************
Subject
Prison vs Work
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a
bit clearer.
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT
WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT
WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.. you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. AT
WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to go out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.
Have a Great Day at WORK !!
*Who's On First - Computer Version*
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.
What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not; they own it.
********************************
EXCERPTS FROM THE DOG'S DAILY DIARY
8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
EXCERPTS FROM THE CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 283 Of My Captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
This woman decides to buy a new cupboard that you have to assemble yourself. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses.
Thinking that she must have done something wrong she rereads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard.Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses again.
Now, fed up she calls customer service. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look.
The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and get inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse.
At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it.
The technician says "You may find this hard to believe, but I'm just standing here waiting for the next train."
********************************
Subject
Prison vs Work
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a
bit clearer.
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT
WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT
WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.. you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. AT
WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to go out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.
Have a Great Day at WORK !!
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
hUMOR For April 20th
********************************
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both were equally attractive and well spoken. It was up to the senior partner to choose one, so he took each aside and asked, "Why did you become a lawyer?"
In seconds, he chose Paul. Baffled, Robert took Paul aside.
"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
********************************
A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant.
As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied, "Thrown."
********************************
At the end of their first date, a guy takes the girl home. Emboldened by the night, the guy decides to try for the first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a good night kiss?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see
us!”
Him: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
Him: "Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all
sleeping!"
Her: “No way. It’s too risky!”
Him: “Oh please, please, I like you so much!”
Her: “No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”
Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”
Her: No, no. I just can’t.”
Him: “I beg you....”
Suddenly, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”
********************************
At the end of their first date, a guy takes the girl home. Emboldened by the night, the guy decides to try for the first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a good night kiss?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see
us!”
Him: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
Him: "Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all
sleeping!"
Her: “No way. It’s too risky!”
Him: “Oh please, please, I like you so much!”
Her: “No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”
Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”
Her: No, no. I just can’t.”
Him: “I beg you....”
Suddenly, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”
********************************
Watergate
A couple stayed at the Watergate Hotel while visiting Washington, D,C. The
wife was concerned. "What if, after all these years, the place is still
bugged?" The husband says, "I'll look for a bug."
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, and under the rug. "Aha"
Under the rug was a disc with 4 screws. He gets his screwdriver, unscrews
the screws and throws the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the couple "How was your room?"
"How was the service?" "How was your stay at the Watergate?"
The husband says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the
chandelier falling on them."
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both were equally attractive and well spoken. It was up to the senior partner to choose one, so he took each aside and asked, "Why did you become a lawyer?"
In seconds, he chose Paul. Baffled, Robert took Paul aside.
"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
********************************
A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant.
As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied, "Thrown."
********************************
At the end of their first date, a guy takes the girl home. Emboldened by the night, the guy decides to try for the first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a good night kiss?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see
us!”
Him: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
Him: "Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all
sleeping!"
Her: “No way. It’s too risky!”
Him: “Oh please, please, I like you so much!”
Her: “No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”
Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”
Her: No, no. I just can’t.”
Him: “I beg you....”
Suddenly, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”
********************************
At the end of their first date, a guy takes the girl home. Emboldened by the night, the guy decides to try for the first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a good night kiss?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see
us!”
Him: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
Him: "Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all
sleeping!"
Her: “No way. It’s too risky!”
Him: “Oh please, please, I like you so much!”
Her: “No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”
Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”
Her: No, no. I just can’t.”
Him: “I beg you....”
Suddenly, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”
********************************
Watergate
A couple stayed at the Watergate Hotel while visiting Washington, D,C. The
wife was concerned. "What if, after all these years, the place is still
bugged?" The husband says, "I'll look for a bug."
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, and under the rug. "Aha"
Under the rug was a disc with 4 screws. He gets his screwdriver, unscrews
the screws and throws the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the couple "How was your room?"
"How was the service?" "How was your stay at the Watergate?"
The husband says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the
chandelier falling on them."
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
hUMOR For April 19th
The Lord's ArmyA friend was walking out of church in front of me, where he waited to shake hands with the pastor. The pastor grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. "You need to join the Army of the Lord," said the pastor."I already belong," said my friend."Well how come we don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"My friend whispered back confidentially, "I'm in the Secret Service."
Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Noah's Ark:One -- Don't miss the boat.Two -- Remember that we are all in the same boat.Three -- Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.Four -- Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.Five -- Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.Six -- Build your future on high ground.Seven -- For safety's sake, travel in pairs.Eight -- Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.Nine -- When you're stressed, float a while.Ten -- No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
********************************
*Fun Things To Do During Boring Sermons*
~ Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
~ See if a yawn really is contagious.
~ Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.
~ Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
~ Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.
~ Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
~ Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
~ Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
~ Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.
~ Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
~ Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 30 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
~ Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
~ By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.
~ While people are locating the announced congregational song, step out in the aisle and begin waving your arms as if directing the hymn.
~ Sit close to the front, and during the prayer, turn around backwards, point, and count softly how many people do not have their heads bowed and eyes closed.
~ See how many hard candies you can stuff in your cheeks before your mother catches you.
~ Begin coughing and get louder and louder until you get to excuse yourself and leave the room.
~ Choose a different song than was announced and begin singing it as loud as you can.
********************************
It's the time of the Old West.
A citizen of the town comes running into the saloon and screams, "Big Bad Bart is coming! Big Bad Bart is coming! We gotta get outta town."
Everyone gets up in a hurry and takes off as fast as they
can, including the saloonkeeper, who when hopping over the
bar slips on a beer and knocks himself unconscious.
When he comes to, he makes his way outside to see the
biggest, meanest man he's ever seen riding down the center
of the town on two buffaloes, whipping them with a
rattlesnake screaming, "Giddyup! Let's go, come on."
He makes his way over to the saloonkeeper, dismounts, and enters the saloon.
Breaking both doors off the hinges while entering, he walks
up to the bar, slams his fist down, breaking the bar in half and hollers, "Gimme some beer in a gallon jug."
After the saloonkeeper hands him the jug, he watches as the
man drinks it in three seconds flat.
When he's done with his drink, the man turns around to walk
out the door.
The saloonkeeper couldn't believe his eyes and wanted to
see him do it again. He asks him, "Don't you want another beer?"
The man turns around and says, "Heck no, Big Bad Bart is coming! I gotta get outta town!"
********************************
A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine (e.g. "House" is feminine, "la maison"; "Pencil" is masculine, "le crayon").
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -- male and female --and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for immediate later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.
********************************
Audi Alteram Parten
During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained.
Translated it means "To hear the other party".
After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if there
was anyone who didn't understand the rule.
Responded one man, "My wife".
Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Noah's Ark:One -- Don't miss the boat.Two -- Remember that we are all in the same boat.Three -- Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.Four -- Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.Five -- Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.Six -- Build your future on high ground.Seven -- For safety's sake, travel in pairs.Eight -- Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.Nine -- When you're stressed, float a while.Ten -- No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
********************************
*Fun Things To Do During Boring Sermons*
~ Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
~ See if a yawn really is contagious.
~ Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.
~ Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
~ Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.
~ Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
~ Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
~ Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
~ Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.
~ Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
~ Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 30 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
~ Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
~ By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.
~ While people are locating the announced congregational song, step out in the aisle and begin waving your arms as if directing the hymn.
~ Sit close to the front, and during the prayer, turn around backwards, point, and count softly how many people do not have their heads bowed and eyes closed.
~ See how many hard candies you can stuff in your cheeks before your mother catches you.
~ Begin coughing and get louder and louder until you get to excuse yourself and leave the room.
~ Choose a different song than was announced and begin singing it as loud as you can.
********************************
It's the time of the Old West.
A citizen of the town comes running into the saloon and screams, "Big Bad Bart is coming! Big Bad Bart is coming! We gotta get outta town."
Everyone gets up in a hurry and takes off as fast as they
can, including the saloonkeeper, who when hopping over the
bar slips on a beer and knocks himself unconscious.
When he comes to, he makes his way outside to see the
biggest, meanest man he's ever seen riding down the center
of the town on two buffaloes, whipping them with a
rattlesnake screaming, "Giddyup! Let's go, come on."
He makes his way over to the saloonkeeper, dismounts, and enters the saloon.
Breaking both doors off the hinges while entering, he walks
up to the bar, slams his fist down, breaking the bar in half and hollers, "Gimme some beer in a gallon jug."
After the saloonkeeper hands him the jug, he watches as the
man drinks it in three seconds flat.
When he's done with his drink, the man turns around to walk
out the door.
The saloonkeeper couldn't believe his eyes and wanted to
see him do it again. He asks him, "Don't you want another beer?"
The man turns around and says, "Heck no, Big Bad Bart is coming! I gotta get outta town!"
********************************
A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine (e.g. "House" is feminine, "la maison"; "Pencil" is masculine, "le crayon").
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -- male and female --and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for immediate later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.
********************************
Audi Alteram Parten
During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained.
Translated it means "To hear the other party".
After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if there
was anyone who didn't understand the rule.
Responded one man, "My wife".
Monday, April 18, 2005
hUMOR For April 18th
********************************
While on vacation with my son and his family, I shared a room with my 4 year old granddaughter.
One morning when she awoke, she told me she had some nice dreams and proceeded to tell me about them.
I told her I wished that I was able to dream like she does.
She said, "But you can't because you snore too much."
********************************
As a member of the Marine Corps, I was stationed at Twenty-Nine Palms Base in California. Among those serving there was a private who was determined not to re-enlist. At inspection one morning, the officer asked him, "Are you married, son?"
"No, sir," he replied. "Engaged."
"There's no need to get married," the officer said, sensing an opportunity to change the private's plans for discharge. "The Marine Corps is your wife. It clothes you, feeds you, puts a roof over your head, keeps you in top physical condition and provides you with companionship. What else could you possibly want?"
"With all due respect, sir," answered the private, "a divorce!"
********************************
A quick thought before we begin .....
Ah, spring and the month of April. The chirping of birds, the fresh smell
of flowers, the sunny days ... and the time that taxes are due. Yes, it's
that time of year, when you put sum 5A into slot 6B, subtract the lesser of
12Z or 11Q from 10C, check the number of boxes entered and enter the number
of checkered boxes, and try to figure out of you weight more than last
year's tax return. I just did my taxes and when I was done I was happy to
see that I'm getting a refund ... look at the money the government is
giving to me ... until I thought, "Hey, it was MY money to begin with!"
With that in mind, the rest of the jokes this week fit into the "tax"
genre. -Tom
------------------------
GCF: Tax Forms, Short vs Long
The difference between the short tax form and long tax form is simple.
If you use the short form, the government gets your money.
If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.
********************************
Navy Way
A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after he had completed boot camp,
he was invited to be in a friend's wedding. He asked an officer for a pass
and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.
"You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding."
The officer replied, "No, YOU don't understand. You're in the Navy."
While on vacation with my son and his family, I shared a room with my 4 year old granddaughter.
One morning when she awoke, she told me she had some nice dreams and proceeded to tell me about them.
I told her I wished that I was able to dream like she does.
She said, "But you can't because you snore too much."
********************************
As a member of the Marine Corps, I was stationed at Twenty-Nine Palms Base in California. Among those serving there was a private who was determined not to re-enlist. At inspection one morning, the officer asked him, "Are you married, son?"
"No, sir," he replied. "Engaged."
"There's no need to get married," the officer said, sensing an opportunity to change the private's plans for discharge. "The Marine Corps is your wife. It clothes you, feeds you, puts a roof over your head, keeps you in top physical condition and provides you with companionship. What else could you possibly want?"
"With all due respect, sir," answered the private, "a divorce!"
********************************
A quick thought before we begin .....
Ah, spring and the month of April. The chirping of birds, the fresh smell
of flowers, the sunny days ... and the time that taxes are due. Yes, it's
that time of year, when you put sum 5A into slot 6B, subtract the lesser of
12Z or 11Q from 10C, check the number of boxes entered and enter the number
of checkered boxes, and try to figure out of you weight more than last
year's tax return. I just did my taxes and when I was done I was happy to
see that I'm getting a refund ... look at the money the government is
giving to me ... until I thought, "Hey, it was MY money to begin with!"
With that in mind, the rest of the jokes this week fit into the "tax"
genre. -Tom
------------------------
GCF: Tax Forms, Short vs Long
The difference between the short tax form and long tax form is simple.
If you use the short form, the government gets your money.
If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.
********************************
Navy Way
A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after he had completed boot camp,
he was invited to be in a friend's wedding. He asked an officer for a pass
and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.
"You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding."
The officer replied, "No, YOU don't understand. You're in the Navy."
Sunday, April 17, 2005
hUMOR For April 17th
*******************************
When the minister picked up the phone, Special Agent Struzik from the IRS was on the line.
"Hello, is this the minister?"
"Yes, this is."
"I'm calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Shipe. Do you recognize the name?"
"Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?"
"Well, on last year's tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductable contribution to your church. Is this true?"
"Well, I'll have to have our bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Shipe say he contributed?"
"Twenty five thousand dollars," answered Agent Struzik."Can you tell me if that amount is true?"
There is a long pause. "I'll tell you what," replied the minister.......
"Call back tomorrow. I'm sure it will be."
********************************
When the minister picked up the phone, Special Agent Struzik from the IRS was on the line.
"Hello, is this the minister?"
"Yes, this is."
"I'm calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Shipe. Do you recognize the name?"
"Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?"
"Well, on last year's tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductable contribution to your church. Is this true?"
"Well, I'll have to have our bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Shipe say he contributed?"
"Twenty five thousand dollars," answered Agent Struzik."Can you tell me if that amount is true?"
There is a long pause. "I'll tell you what," replied the minister.......
"Call back tomorrow. I'm sure it will be."
********************************
Tax Assessment time - Goods vs GOODS
A tax assessor came one day to a poor Christian to determine the amount of taxes he would have to pay. The following conversation took place:
"What property do you possess?" asked the assessor.
"I am a very wealthy man," replied the Christian.
"List your possessions, please," the assessor instructed.
The Christian said:
"First, I have everlasting life, John 3:16
Second, I have a mansion in heaven, John 14:2
Third, I have peace that passes all understanding, Philippians 4:7
Fourth, I have joy unspeakable, 1 Peter 1:8
Fifth, I have divine love which never fails, 1 Corinthians 13:8
Sixth, I have a faithful pious wife, Proverbs 31:10
Seventh, I have healthy, happy obedient children, Exodus 20:12
Eighth, I have true, loyal friends, Proverbs 18:24
Ninth, I have songs in the night, Psalms 42:8
Tenth, I have a crown of life, James 1:12
The tax assessor closed his book, and said, "Truly you are a very rich man, but your property is not subject to taxation."
I pray that all of us will have this kind of tax free "wealth."
Have a richly blessed day.
********************************
IRS Audit
The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by an IRS
agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the
year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a
dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a
year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel
deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It is a legitimate business expense
because we also deliver."
When the minister picked up the phone, Special Agent Struzik from the IRS was on the line.
"Hello, is this the minister?"
"Yes, this is."
"I'm calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Shipe. Do you recognize the name?"
"Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?"
"Well, on last year's tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductable contribution to your church. Is this true?"
"Well, I'll have to have our bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Shipe say he contributed?"
"Twenty five thousand dollars," answered Agent Struzik."Can you tell me if that amount is true?"
There is a long pause. "I'll tell you what," replied the minister.......
"Call back tomorrow. I'm sure it will be."
********************************
When the minister picked up the phone, Special Agent Struzik from the IRS was on the line.
"Hello, is this the minister?"
"Yes, this is."
"I'm calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Shipe. Do you recognize the name?"
"Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?"
"Well, on last year's tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductable contribution to your church. Is this true?"
"Well, I'll have to have our bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Shipe say he contributed?"
"Twenty five thousand dollars," answered Agent Struzik."Can you tell me if that amount is true?"
There is a long pause. "I'll tell you what," replied the minister.......
"Call back tomorrow. I'm sure it will be."
********************************
Tax Assessment time - Goods vs GOODS
A tax assessor came one day to a poor Christian to determine the amount of taxes he would have to pay. The following conversation took place:
"What property do you possess?" asked the assessor.
"I am a very wealthy man," replied the Christian.
"List your possessions, please," the assessor instructed.
The Christian said:
"First, I have everlasting life, John 3:16
Second, I have a mansion in heaven, John 14:2
Third, I have peace that passes all understanding, Philippians 4:7
Fourth, I have joy unspeakable, 1 Peter 1:8
Fifth, I have divine love which never fails, 1 Corinthians 13:8
Sixth, I have a faithful pious wife, Proverbs 31:10
Seventh, I have healthy, happy obedient children, Exodus 20:12
Eighth, I have true, loyal friends, Proverbs 18:24
Ninth, I have songs in the night, Psalms 42:8
Tenth, I have a crown of life, James 1:12
The tax assessor closed his book, and said, "Truly you are a very rich man, but your property is not subject to taxation."
I pray that all of us will have this kind of tax free "wealth."
Have a richly blessed day.
********************************
IRS Audit
The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by an IRS
agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the
year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a
dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a
year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel
deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It is a legitimate business expense
because we also deliver."
Saturday, April 16, 2005
hUMOR For April 16th
********************************
IRS Questions
(For those of you who are not in the United States, the IRS is the Internal
Revenue Service. Those are the folks to whom we pay our taxes each April 15th).
This comes from Donna Patterson Wilson, who answered thousands of
IRS-directed questions from an often-confused public. She kept a special
list of the strangest of these calls.
Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Well, sort of ...
IRS: What?
Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.
Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.
IRS: What does it say?
Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.
Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a
thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.
IRS: Both. It's the same amount.
Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?
Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and
taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.
Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.
Caller: Could you please send me some of those WD-40's?
********************************
It was April and Tax Day was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" I asked.
"My son is overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base."
"You shouldn't have to do this," I told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."
"I know. I'm the base commander's mother."
********************************
A man submitting information to his income tax preparer was asked how many dependents he had. "Sixteen," he replied.
The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"
The man replied, "Not if I can help it."
********************************
After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has finally been named:
MR. POTATO HEAD
He's tan.
He's cute.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
********************************
I heard a smart blonde joke today on the radio. I hope I can do it justice...
A blonde woman went into a bank and wanted to borrow $5,000 for a 2 week vacation she was planning to take. The bank manager asked her what she had for collateral. She said she had a Rolls Royce that she would leave with the bank as collateral. The bank manager agreed and put the $250,000 car in the basement garage and the woman went on her vacation.
When the woman returned she paid back the whole $5,000 plus the $15.32 in interest. The bank manager said, "While you were on vacation we checked your credit and you're a millionaire. Why did you borrow $5,000 for a vacation you could easily have paid for?"
The woman replied, "Where else could I park my car in Boston for $15.32 and expect it to still be there when I returned?"
********************************
Lying is a SinA minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
********************************
Four men were bragging about the intelligence of their cats. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was an NEA union member ... a Teacher.To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.Everyone agreed that was good.But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.Everyone agreed that was good.Then the three men turned to the NEA union member and said, "What can your cat do?”The NEA union member called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave..
IRS Questions
(For those of you who are not in the United States, the IRS is the Internal
Revenue Service. Those are the folks to whom we pay our taxes each April 15th).
This comes from Donna Patterson Wilson, who answered thousands of
IRS-directed questions from an often-confused public. She kept a special
list of the strangest of these calls.
Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Well, sort of ...
IRS: What?
Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.
Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.
IRS: What does it say?
Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.
Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a
thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.
IRS: Both. It's the same amount.
Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?
Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and
taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.
Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.
Caller: Could you please send me some of those WD-40's?
********************************
It was April and Tax Day was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" I asked.
"My son is overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base."
"You shouldn't have to do this," I told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."
"I know. I'm the base commander's mother."
********************************
A man submitting information to his income tax preparer was asked how many dependents he had. "Sixteen," he replied.
The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"
The man replied, "Not if I can help it."
********************************
After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has finally been named:
MR. POTATO HEAD
He's tan.
He's cute.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
********************************
I heard a smart blonde joke today on the radio. I hope I can do it justice...
A blonde woman went into a bank and wanted to borrow $5,000 for a 2 week vacation she was planning to take. The bank manager asked her what she had for collateral. She said she had a Rolls Royce that she would leave with the bank as collateral. The bank manager agreed and put the $250,000 car in the basement garage and the woman went on her vacation.
When the woman returned she paid back the whole $5,000 plus the $15.32 in interest. The bank manager said, "While you were on vacation we checked your credit and you're a millionaire. Why did you borrow $5,000 for a vacation you could easily have paid for?"
The woman replied, "Where else could I park my car in Boston for $15.32 and expect it to still be there when I returned?"
********************************
Lying is a SinA minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
********************************
Four men were bragging about the intelligence of their cats. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was an NEA union member ... a Teacher.To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.Everyone agreed that was good.But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.Everyone agreed that was good.Then the three men turned to the NEA union member and said, "What can your cat do?”The NEA union member called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave..
Friday, April 15, 2005
hUMOR For April 15th
********************************
A disappointed soft drink salesman returned from his Middle East assignment. His boss asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very sure to make a good sales pitch as our product was virtually unknown there. I didn't know to speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the message through 3 posters. My first poster was a man crawling through the hot desert sand, totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our soft drink and third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the boss.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic but I didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left."
********************************
She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, she thought, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present."
She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined the tray carefully, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done so many times!"
********************************
A psychiatrist is doing rounds in his hospital with a couple of students.
They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Nazi Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?"
The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?"
The second student says, "No, I think he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goering."
********************************
A group of managers is trying to calculate the height of a
flag pole. They try to measure its height by lining up
their thumbs and then turning the thumb 90 degrees and
marking a spot on the ground. Then they try to use its
shadow and trig functions, but no luck.
A engineer comes by and watches for a few minutes. He asks
one of the managers what they're doing.
"We're trying to calculate the height of this flag pole."
The engineer watches a few minutes more and then, without saying a word, he walks over, pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, measures it, writes the measurement on a piece of paper, gives it to one of the managers and walks away.
The manager looks at the paper, snickers and says to the
other managers: "Isn't that just like an engineer?! We're trying to calculate the height and he gives us the length."
********************************
The Perfect Husband Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on abench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function andbegins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.MAN: "Hello"WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"MAN: "Yes"WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005models. I saw one I really liked."MAN: "How much?"WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last yearis back on the market. They're asking $950,000"MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They willprobably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It isclearly a pretty good price."WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at himin astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
A disappointed soft drink salesman returned from his Middle East assignment. His boss asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very sure to make a good sales pitch as our product was virtually unknown there. I didn't know to speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the message through 3 posters. My first poster was a man crawling through the hot desert sand, totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our soft drink and third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the boss.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic but I didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left."
********************************
She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, she thought, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present."
She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined the tray carefully, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done so many times!"
********************************
A psychiatrist is doing rounds in his hospital with a couple of students.
They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Nazi Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?"
The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?"
The second student says, "No, I think he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goering."
********************************
A group of managers is trying to calculate the height of a
flag pole. They try to measure its height by lining up
their thumbs and then turning the thumb 90 degrees and
marking a spot on the ground. Then they try to use its
shadow and trig functions, but no luck.
A engineer comes by and watches for a few minutes. He asks
one of the managers what they're doing.
"We're trying to calculate the height of this flag pole."
The engineer watches a few minutes more and then, without saying a word, he walks over, pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, measures it, writes the measurement on a piece of paper, gives it to one of the managers and walks away.
The manager looks at the paper, snickers and says to the
other managers: "Isn't that just like an engineer?! We're trying to calculate the height and he gives us the length."
********************************
The Perfect Husband Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on abench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function andbegins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.MAN: "Hello"WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"MAN: "Yes"WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005models. I saw one I really liked."MAN: "How much?"WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last yearis back on the market. They're asking $950,000"MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They willprobably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It isclearly a pretty good price."WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at himin astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Thursday, April 14, 2005
hUMOR For April 14th
********************************
Employee: I have been here 11 years doing three men's work for one man's pay. Now I want a raise.
Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but if you'll tell me who the other two men are, I'll fire them.
********************************
Employee: I have been here 11 years doing three men's work for one man's pay. Now I want a raise.
Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but if you'll tell me who the other two men are, I'll fire them.
********************************
A new young bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all
just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"
"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket? What did you need an airplane ticket
for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the
directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a
frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska."
********************************
It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab."
"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."
"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
********************************
Gray Hair
When I discovered my first gray hair I immediately wrote to my parents:
"Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience
this with me too."
I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.
My father's response was in the form of a poem:
It's a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first gray hair.
He signed off with this observation:
"That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!"
********************************
Emailed to me another humor list (Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List) -Tom
Subscribe to Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh list at the website:
Subscribe
If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! A smile will enhance the quality of your life. Just send an email to: good-clean-fun-subscribe@egroups.com
or visit the Good Clean Fun web site http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor/ UNSUBSCRIBE INFO for Good Clean Fun is at the end of this email. This email was scanned by Norton AntiVirus 2004 before it was sent.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watching
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things
from her wardrobe that no longer fit.
Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."
Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"
Employee: I have been here 11 years doing three men's work for one man's pay. Now I want a raise.
Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but if you'll tell me who the other two men are, I'll fire them.
********************************
Employee: I have been here 11 years doing three men's work for one man's pay. Now I want a raise.
Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but if you'll tell me who the other two men are, I'll fire them.
********************************
A new young bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all
just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"
"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket? What did you need an airplane ticket
for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the
directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a
frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska."
********************************
It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab."
"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."
"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
********************************
Gray Hair
When I discovered my first gray hair I immediately wrote to my parents:
"Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience
this with me too."
I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.
My father's response was in the form of a poem:
It's a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first gray hair.
He signed off with this observation:
"That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!"
********************************
Emailed to me another humor list (Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List) -Tom
Subscribe to Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh list at the website:
Subscribe
If this was forwarded to you, please consider your own subscription to Good Clean Fun. It's free! A smile will enhance the quality of your life. Just send an email to: good-clean-fun-subscribe@egroups.com
or visit the Good Clean Fun web site http://www.slonet.org/~tellswor/ UNSUBSCRIBE INFO for Good Clean Fun is at the end of this email. This email was scanned by Norton AntiVirus 2004 before it was sent.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watching
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things
from her wardrobe that no longer fit.
Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."
Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"
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