********************************
*Who's On First - Computer Version*
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.
What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not; they own it.
********************************
EXCERPTS FROM THE DOG'S DAILY DIARY
8:00 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
11:30 am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
12:00 noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1:00 pm - Oh Boy! The yard! My favorite!
4:00 pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
5:00 pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5:30 pm - Oh Boy! Mom! My favorite!
6:00 pm - Oh Boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!
EXCERPTS FROM THE CAT'S DAILY DIARY:
Day 283 Of My Captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
This woman decides to buy a new cupboard that you have to assemble yourself. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses.
Thinking that she must have done something wrong she rereads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard.Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses again.
Now, fed up she calls customer service. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look.
The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and get inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse.
At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it.
The technician says "You may find this hard to believe, but I'm just standing here waiting for the next train."
********************************
Subject
Prison vs Work
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a
bit clearer.
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT
WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT
WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.. you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. AT
WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to go out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.
Have a Great Day at WORK !!
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
hUMOR For April 20th
********************************
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both were equally attractive and well spoken. It was up to the senior partner to choose one, so he took each aside and asked, "Why did you become a lawyer?"
In seconds, he chose Paul. Baffled, Robert took Paul aside.
"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
********************************
A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant.
As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied, "Thrown."
********************************
At the end of their first date, a guy takes the girl home. Emboldened by the night, the guy decides to try for the first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a good night kiss?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see
us!”
Him: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
Him: "Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all
sleeping!"
Her: “No way. It’s too risky!”
Him: “Oh please, please, I like you so much!”
Her: “No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”
Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”
Her: No, no. I just can’t.”
Him: “I beg you....”
Suddenly, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”
********************************
At the end of their first date, a guy takes the girl home. Emboldened by the night, the guy decides to try for the first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a good night kiss?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see
us!”
Him: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
Him: "Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all
sleeping!"
Her: “No way. It’s too risky!”
Him: “Oh please, please, I like you so much!”
Her: “No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”
Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”
Her: No, no. I just can’t.”
Him: “I beg you....”
Suddenly, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”
********************************
Watergate
A couple stayed at the Watergate Hotel while visiting Washington, D,C. The
wife was concerned. "What if, after all these years, the place is still
bugged?" The husband says, "I'll look for a bug."
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, and under the rug. "Aha"
Under the rug was a disc with 4 screws. He gets his screwdriver, unscrews
the screws and throws the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the couple "How was your room?"
"How was the service?" "How was your stay at the Watergate?"
The husband says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the
chandelier falling on them."
There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally came down to Robert and Paul. Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both came from good families. Both were equally attractive and well spoken. It was up to the senior partner to choose one, so he took each aside and asked, "Why did you become a lawyer?"
In seconds, he chose Paul. Baffled, Robert took Paul aside.
"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"
"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.
"Your hands? What do you mean?"
"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
********************************
A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant.
As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you like your rice? Boiled? Or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied, "Thrown."
********************************
At the end of their first date, a guy takes the girl home. Emboldened by the night, the guy decides to try for the first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a good night kiss?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see
us!”
Him: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
Him: "Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all
sleeping!"
Her: “No way. It’s too risky!”
Him: “Oh please, please, I like you so much!”
Her: “No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”
Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”
Her: No, no. I just can’t.”
Him: “I beg you....”
Suddenly, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”
********************************
At the end of their first date, a guy takes the girl home. Emboldened by the night, the guy decides to try for the first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, “Darling, how ’bout a good night kiss?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see
us!”
Him: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
Her: “No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
Him: "Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all
sleeping!"
Her: “No way. It’s too risky!”
Him: “Oh please, please, I like you so much!”
Her: “No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can’t!”
Him: “Oh yes you can. Please?”
Her: No, no. I just can’t.”
Him: “I beg you....”
Suddenly, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down and do it. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”
********************************
Watergate
A couple stayed at the Watergate Hotel while visiting Washington, D,C. The
wife was concerned. "What if, after all these years, the place is still
bugged?" The husband says, "I'll look for a bug."
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, and under the rug. "Aha"
Under the rug was a disc with 4 screws. He gets his screwdriver, unscrews
the screws and throws the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the couple "How was your room?"
"How was the service?" "How was your stay at the Watergate?"
The husband says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the
chandelier falling on them."
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
hUMOR For April 19th
The Lord's ArmyA friend was walking out of church in front of me, where he waited to shake hands with the pastor. The pastor grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. "You need to join the Army of the Lord," said the pastor."I already belong," said my friend."Well how come we don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"My friend whispered back confidentially, "I'm in the Secret Service."
Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Noah's Ark:One -- Don't miss the boat.Two -- Remember that we are all in the same boat.Three -- Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.Four -- Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.Five -- Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.Six -- Build your future on high ground.Seven -- For safety's sake, travel in pairs.Eight -- Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.Nine -- When you're stressed, float a while.Ten -- No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
********************************
*Fun Things To Do During Boring Sermons*
~ Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
~ See if a yawn really is contagious.
~ Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.
~ Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
~ Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.
~ Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
~ Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
~ Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
~ Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.
~ Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
~ Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 30 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
~ Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
~ By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.
~ While people are locating the announced congregational song, step out in the aisle and begin waving your arms as if directing the hymn.
~ Sit close to the front, and during the prayer, turn around backwards, point, and count softly how many people do not have their heads bowed and eyes closed.
~ See how many hard candies you can stuff in your cheeks before your mother catches you.
~ Begin coughing and get louder and louder until you get to excuse yourself and leave the room.
~ Choose a different song than was announced and begin singing it as loud as you can.
********************************
It's the time of the Old West.
A citizen of the town comes running into the saloon and screams, "Big Bad Bart is coming! Big Bad Bart is coming! We gotta get outta town."
Everyone gets up in a hurry and takes off as fast as they
can, including the saloonkeeper, who when hopping over the
bar slips on a beer and knocks himself unconscious.
When he comes to, he makes his way outside to see the
biggest, meanest man he's ever seen riding down the center
of the town on two buffaloes, whipping them with a
rattlesnake screaming, "Giddyup! Let's go, come on."
He makes his way over to the saloonkeeper, dismounts, and enters the saloon.
Breaking both doors off the hinges while entering, he walks
up to the bar, slams his fist down, breaking the bar in half and hollers, "Gimme some beer in a gallon jug."
After the saloonkeeper hands him the jug, he watches as the
man drinks it in three seconds flat.
When he's done with his drink, the man turns around to walk
out the door.
The saloonkeeper couldn't believe his eyes and wanted to
see him do it again. He asks him, "Don't you want another beer?"
The man turns around and says, "Heck no, Big Bad Bart is coming! I gotta get outta town!"
********************************
A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine (e.g. "House" is feminine, "la maison"; "Pencil" is masculine, "le crayon").
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -- male and female --and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for immediate later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.
********************************
Audi Alteram Parten
During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained.
Translated it means "To hear the other party".
After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if there
was anyone who didn't understand the rule.
Responded one man, "My wife".
Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Noah's Ark:One -- Don't miss the boat.Two -- Remember that we are all in the same boat.Three -- Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.Four -- Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.Five -- Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.Six -- Build your future on high ground.Seven -- For safety's sake, travel in pairs.Eight -- Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.Nine -- When you're stressed, float a while.Ten -- No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
********************************
*Fun Things To Do During Boring Sermons*
~ Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
~ See if a yawn really is contagious.
~ Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.
~ Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
~ Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.
~ Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
~ Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
~ Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
~ Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.
~ Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
~ Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 30 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
~ Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
~ By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.
~ While people are locating the announced congregational song, step out in the aisle and begin waving your arms as if directing the hymn.
~ Sit close to the front, and during the prayer, turn around backwards, point, and count softly how many people do not have their heads bowed and eyes closed.
~ See how many hard candies you can stuff in your cheeks before your mother catches you.
~ Begin coughing and get louder and louder until you get to excuse yourself and leave the room.
~ Choose a different song than was announced and begin singing it as loud as you can.
********************************
It's the time of the Old West.
A citizen of the town comes running into the saloon and screams, "Big Bad Bart is coming! Big Bad Bart is coming! We gotta get outta town."
Everyone gets up in a hurry and takes off as fast as they
can, including the saloonkeeper, who when hopping over the
bar slips on a beer and knocks himself unconscious.
When he comes to, he makes his way outside to see the
biggest, meanest man he's ever seen riding down the center
of the town on two buffaloes, whipping them with a
rattlesnake screaming, "Giddyup! Let's go, come on."
He makes his way over to the saloonkeeper, dismounts, and enters the saloon.
Breaking both doors off the hinges while entering, he walks
up to the bar, slams his fist down, breaking the bar in half and hollers, "Gimme some beer in a gallon jug."
After the saloonkeeper hands him the jug, he watches as the
man drinks it in three seconds flat.
When he's done with his drink, the man turns around to walk
out the door.
The saloonkeeper couldn't believe his eyes and wanted to
see him do it again. He asks him, "Don't you want another beer?"
The man turns around and says, "Heck no, Big Bad Bart is coming! I gotta get outta town!"
********************************
A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine (e.g. "House" is feminine, "la maison"; "Pencil" is masculine, "le crayon").
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups -- male and female --and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for immediate later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. The women won.
********************************
Audi Alteram Parten
During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained.
Translated it means "To hear the other party".
After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if there
was anyone who didn't understand the rule.
Responded one man, "My wife".
Monday, April 18, 2005
hUMOR For April 18th
********************************
While on vacation with my son and his family, I shared a room with my 4 year old granddaughter.
One morning when she awoke, she told me she had some nice dreams and proceeded to tell me about them.
I told her I wished that I was able to dream like she does.
She said, "But you can't because you snore too much."
********************************
As a member of the Marine Corps, I was stationed at Twenty-Nine Palms Base in California. Among those serving there was a private who was determined not to re-enlist. At inspection one morning, the officer asked him, "Are you married, son?"
"No, sir," he replied. "Engaged."
"There's no need to get married," the officer said, sensing an opportunity to change the private's plans for discharge. "The Marine Corps is your wife. It clothes you, feeds you, puts a roof over your head, keeps you in top physical condition and provides you with companionship. What else could you possibly want?"
"With all due respect, sir," answered the private, "a divorce!"
********************************
A quick thought before we begin .....
Ah, spring and the month of April. The chirping of birds, the fresh smell
of flowers, the sunny days ... and the time that taxes are due. Yes, it's
that time of year, when you put sum 5A into slot 6B, subtract the lesser of
12Z or 11Q from 10C, check the number of boxes entered and enter the number
of checkered boxes, and try to figure out of you weight more than last
year's tax return. I just did my taxes and when I was done I was happy to
see that I'm getting a refund ... look at the money the government is
giving to me ... until I thought, "Hey, it was MY money to begin with!"
With that in mind, the rest of the jokes this week fit into the "tax"
genre. -Tom
------------------------
GCF: Tax Forms, Short vs Long
The difference between the short tax form and long tax form is simple.
If you use the short form, the government gets your money.
If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.
********************************
Navy Way
A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after he had completed boot camp,
he was invited to be in a friend's wedding. He asked an officer for a pass
and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.
"You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding."
The officer replied, "No, YOU don't understand. You're in the Navy."
While on vacation with my son and his family, I shared a room with my 4 year old granddaughter.
One morning when she awoke, she told me she had some nice dreams and proceeded to tell me about them.
I told her I wished that I was able to dream like she does.
She said, "But you can't because you snore too much."
********************************
As a member of the Marine Corps, I was stationed at Twenty-Nine Palms Base in California. Among those serving there was a private who was determined not to re-enlist. At inspection one morning, the officer asked him, "Are you married, son?"
"No, sir," he replied. "Engaged."
"There's no need to get married," the officer said, sensing an opportunity to change the private's plans for discharge. "The Marine Corps is your wife. It clothes you, feeds you, puts a roof over your head, keeps you in top physical condition and provides you with companionship. What else could you possibly want?"
"With all due respect, sir," answered the private, "a divorce!"
********************************
A quick thought before we begin .....
Ah, spring and the month of April. The chirping of birds, the fresh smell
of flowers, the sunny days ... and the time that taxes are due. Yes, it's
that time of year, when you put sum 5A into slot 6B, subtract the lesser of
12Z or 11Q from 10C, check the number of boxes entered and enter the number
of checkered boxes, and try to figure out of you weight more than last
year's tax return. I just did my taxes and when I was done I was happy to
see that I'm getting a refund ... look at the money the government is
giving to me ... until I thought, "Hey, it was MY money to begin with!"
With that in mind, the rest of the jokes this week fit into the "tax"
genre. -Tom
------------------------
GCF: Tax Forms, Short vs Long
The difference between the short tax form and long tax form is simple.
If you use the short form, the government gets your money.
If you use the long form, the accountant gets your money.
********************************
Navy Way
A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after he had completed boot camp,
he was invited to be in a friend's wedding. He asked an officer for a pass
and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.
"You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding."
The officer replied, "No, YOU don't understand. You're in the Navy."
Sunday, April 17, 2005
hUMOR For April 17th
*******************************
When the minister picked up the phone, Special Agent Struzik from the IRS was on the line.
"Hello, is this the minister?"
"Yes, this is."
"I'm calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Shipe. Do you recognize the name?"
"Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?"
"Well, on last year's tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductable contribution to your church. Is this true?"
"Well, I'll have to have our bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Shipe say he contributed?"
"Twenty five thousand dollars," answered Agent Struzik."Can you tell me if that amount is true?"
There is a long pause. "I'll tell you what," replied the minister.......
"Call back tomorrow. I'm sure it will be."
********************************
When the minister picked up the phone, Special Agent Struzik from the IRS was on the line.
"Hello, is this the minister?"
"Yes, this is."
"I'm calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Shipe. Do you recognize the name?"
"Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?"
"Well, on last year's tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductable contribution to your church. Is this true?"
"Well, I'll have to have our bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Shipe say he contributed?"
"Twenty five thousand dollars," answered Agent Struzik."Can you tell me if that amount is true?"
There is a long pause. "I'll tell you what," replied the minister.......
"Call back tomorrow. I'm sure it will be."
********************************
Tax Assessment time - Goods vs GOODS
A tax assessor came one day to a poor Christian to determine the amount of taxes he would have to pay. The following conversation took place:
"What property do you possess?" asked the assessor.
"I am a very wealthy man," replied the Christian.
"List your possessions, please," the assessor instructed.
The Christian said:
"First, I have everlasting life, John 3:16
Second, I have a mansion in heaven, John 14:2
Third, I have peace that passes all understanding, Philippians 4:7
Fourth, I have joy unspeakable, 1 Peter 1:8
Fifth, I have divine love which never fails, 1 Corinthians 13:8
Sixth, I have a faithful pious wife, Proverbs 31:10
Seventh, I have healthy, happy obedient children, Exodus 20:12
Eighth, I have true, loyal friends, Proverbs 18:24
Ninth, I have songs in the night, Psalms 42:8
Tenth, I have a crown of life, James 1:12
The tax assessor closed his book, and said, "Truly you are a very rich man, but your property is not subject to taxation."
I pray that all of us will have this kind of tax free "wealth."
Have a richly blessed day.
********************************
IRS Audit
The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by an IRS
agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the
year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a
dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a
year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel
deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It is a legitimate business expense
because we also deliver."
When the minister picked up the phone, Special Agent Struzik from the IRS was on the line.
"Hello, is this the minister?"
"Yes, this is."
"I'm calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Shipe. Do you recognize the name?"
"Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?"
"Well, on last year's tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductable contribution to your church. Is this true?"
"Well, I'll have to have our bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Shipe say he contributed?"
"Twenty five thousand dollars," answered Agent Struzik."Can you tell me if that amount is true?"
There is a long pause. "I'll tell you what," replied the minister.......
"Call back tomorrow. I'm sure it will be."
********************************
When the minister picked up the phone, Special Agent Struzik from the IRS was on the line.
"Hello, is this the minister?"
"Yes, this is."
"I'm calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Shipe. Do you recognize the name?"
"Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?"
"Well, on last year's tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductable contribution to your church. Is this true?"
"Well, I'll have to have our bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Shipe say he contributed?"
"Twenty five thousand dollars," answered Agent Struzik."Can you tell me if that amount is true?"
There is a long pause. "I'll tell you what," replied the minister.......
"Call back tomorrow. I'm sure it will be."
********************************
Tax Assessment time - Goods vs GOODS
A tax assessor came one day to a poor Christian to determine the amount of taxes he would have to pay. The following conversation took place:
"What property do you possess?" asked the assessor.
"I am a very wealthy man," replied the Christian.
"List your possessions, please," the assessor instructed.
The Christian said:
"First, I have everlasting life, John 3:16
Second, I have a mansion in heaven, John 14:2
Third, I have peace that passes all understanding, Philippians 4:7
Fourth, I have joy unspeakable, 1 Peter 1:8
Fifth, I have divine love which never fails, 1 Corinthians 13:8
Sixth, I have a faithful pious wife, Proverbs 31:10
Seventh, I have healthy, happy obedient children, Exodus 20:12
Eighth, I have true, loyal friends, Proverbs 18:24
Ninth, I have songs in the night, Psalms 42:8
Tenth, I have a crown of life, James 1:12
The tax assessor closed his book, and said, "Truly you are a very rich man, but your property is not subject to taxation."
I pray that all of us will have this kind of tax free "wealth."
Have a richly blessed day.
********************************
IRS Audit
The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by an IRS
agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the
year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a
dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a
year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel
deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It is a legitimate business expense
because we also deliver."
Saturday, April 16, 2005
hUMOR For April 16th
********************************
IRS Questions
(For those of you who are not in the United States, the IRS is the Internal
Revenue Service. Those are the folks to whom we pay our taxes each April 15th).
This comes from Donna Patterson Wilson, who answered thousands of
IRS-directed questions from an often-confused public. She kept a special
list of the strangest of these calls.
Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Well, sort of ...
IRS: What?
Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.
Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.
IRS: What does it say?
Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.
Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a
thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.
IRS: Both. It's the same amount.
Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?
Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and
taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.
Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.
Caller: Could you please send me some of those WD-40's?
********************************
It was April and Tax Day was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" I asked.
"My son is overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base."
"You shouldn't have to do this," I told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."
"I know. I'm the base commander's mother."
********************************
A man submitting information to his income tax preparer was asked how many dependents he had. "Sixteen," he replied.
The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"
The man replied, "Not if I can help it."
********************************
After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has finally been named:
MR. POTATO HEAD
He's tan.
He's cute.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
********************************
I heard a smart blonde joke today on the radio. I hope I can do it justice...
A blonde woman went into a bank and wanted to borrow $5,000 for a 2 week vacation she was planning to take. The bank manager asked her what she had for collateral. She said she had a Rolls Royce that she would leave with the bank as collateral. The bank manager agreed and put the $250,000 car in the basement garage and the woman went on her vacation.
When the woman returned she paid back the whole $5,000 plus the $15.32 in interest. The bank manager said, "While you were on vacation we checked your credit and you're a millionaire. Why did you borrow $5,000 for a vacation you could easily have paid for?"
The woman replied, "Where else could I park my car in Boston for $15.32 and expect it to still be there when I returned?"
********************************
Lying is a SinA minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
********************************
Four men were bragging about the intelligence of their cats. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was an NEA union member ... a Teacher.To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.Everyone agreed that was good.But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.Everyone agreed that was good.Then the three men turned to the NEA union member and said, "What can your cat do?”The NEA union member called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave..
IRS Questions
(For those of you who are not in the United States, the IRS is the Internal
Revenue Service. Those are the folks to whom we pay our taxes each April 15th).
This comes from Donna Patterson Wilson, who answered thousands of
IRS-directed questions from an often-confused public. She kept a special
list of the strangest of these calls.
Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Well, sort of ...
IRS: What?
Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.
Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.
IRS: What does it say?
Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.
Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a
thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.
IRS: Both. It's the same amount.
Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?
Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and
taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.
Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.
Caller: Could you please send me some of those WD-40's?
********************************
It was April and Tax Day was looming when an elderly woman showed up at my desk at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" I asked.
"My son is overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up forms for the soldiers on the base."
"You shouldn't have to do this," I told her. "It's the base commander's job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."
"I know. I'm the base commander's mother."
********************************
A man submitting information to his income tax preparer was asked how many dependents he had. "Sixteen," he replied.
The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"
The man replied, "Not if I can help it."
********************************
After careful consideration and endless debate, The Perfect Man has finally been named:
MR. POTATO HEAD
He's tan.
He's cute.
He knows the importance of accessorizing.
And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
********************************
I heard a smart blonde joke today on the radio. I hope I can do it justice...
A blonde woman went into a bank and wanted to borrow $5,000 for a 2 week vacation she was planning to take. The bank manager asked her what she had for collateral. She said she had a Rolls Royce that she would leave with the bank as collateral. The bank manager agreed and put the $250,000 car in the basement garage and the woman went on her vacation.
When the woman returned she paid back the whole $5,000 plus the $15.32 in interest. The bank manager said, "While you were on vacation we checked your credit and you're a millionaire. Why did you borrow $5,000 for a vacation you could easily have paid for?"
The woman replied, "Where else could I park my car in Boston for $15.32 and expect it to still be there when I returned?"
********************************
Lying is a SinA minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
********************************
Four men were bragging about the intelligence of their cats. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was an NEA union member ... a Teacher.To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.Everyone agreed that was good.But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.Everyone agreed that was good.Then the three men turned to the NEA union member and said, "What can your cat do?”The NEA union member called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave..
Friday, April 15, 2005
hUMOR For April 15th
********************************
A disappointed soft drink salesman returned from his Middle East assignment. His boss asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very sure to make a good sales pitch as our product was virtually unknown there. I didn't know to speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the message through 3 posters. My first poster was a man crawling through the hot desert sand, totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our soft drink and third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the boss.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic but I didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left."
********************************
She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, she thought, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present."
She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined the tray carefully, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done so many times!"
********************************
A psychiatrist is doing rounds in his hospital with a couple of students.
They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Nazi Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?"
The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?"
The second student says, "No, I think he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goering."
********************************
A group of managers is trying to calculate the height of a
flag pole. They try to measure its height by lining up
their thumbs and then turning the thumb 90 degrees and
marking a spot on the ground. Then they try to use its
shadow and trig functions, but no luck.
A engineer comes by and watches for a few minutes. He asks
one of the managers what they're doing.
"We're trying to calculate the height of this flag pole."
The engineer watches a few minutes more and then, without saying a word, he walks over, pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, measures it, writes the measurement on a piece of paper, gives it to one of the managers and walks away.
The manager looks at the paper, snickers and says to the
other managers: "Isn't that just like an engineer?! We're trying to calculate the height and he gives us the length."
********************************
The Perfect Husband Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on abench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function andbegins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.MAN: "Hello"WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"MAN: "Yes"WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005models. I saw one I really liked."MAN: "How much?"WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last yearis back on the market. They're asking $950,000"MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They willprobably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It isclearly a pretty good price."WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at himin astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
A disappointed soft drink salesman returned from his Middle East assignment. His boss asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very sure to make a good sales pitch as our product was virtually unknown there. I didn't know to speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the message through 3 posters. My first poster was a man crawling through the hot desert sand, totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our soft drink and third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"
"That should have worked," said the boss.
The salesman replied, "Well, not only did I not speak Arabic but I didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left."
********************************
She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. Aha, she thought, I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I'll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it. Voila, one cheap wedding present."
She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on. The silversmith examined the tray carefully, shook his head and said, "Lady, this can only be done so many times!"
********************************
A psychiatrist is doing rounds in his hospital with a couple of students.
They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Nazi Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?"
The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?"
The second student says, "No, I think he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goering."
********************************
A group of managers is trying to calculate the height of a
flag pole. They try to measure its height by lining up
their thumbs and then turning the thumb 90 degrees and
marking a spot on the ground. Then they try to use its
shadow and trig functions, but no luck.
A engineer comes by and watches for a few minutes. He asks
one of the managers what they're doing.
"We're trying to calculate the height of this flag pole."
The engineer watches a few minutes more and then, without saying a word, he walks over, pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, measures it, writes the measurement on a piece of paper, gives it to one of the managers and walks away.
The manager looks at the paper, snickers and says to the
other managers: "Isn't that just like an engineer?! We're trying to calculate the height and he gives us the length."
********************************
The Perfect Husband Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on abench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function andbegins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.MAN: "Hello"WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"MAN: "Yes"WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005models. I saw one I really liked."MAN: "How much?"WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last yearis back on the market. They're asking $950,000"MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They willprobably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It isclearly a pretty good price."WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at himin astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Thursday, April 14, 2005
hUMOR For April 14th
********************************
Employee: I have been here 11 years doing three men's work for one man's pay. Now I want a raise.
Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but if you'll tell me who the other two men are, I'll fire them.
********************************
Employee: I have been here 11 years doing three men's work for one man's pay. Now I want a raise.
Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but if you'll tell me who the other two men are, I'll fire them.
********************************
A new young bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all
just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"
"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket? What did you need an airplane ticket
for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the
directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a
frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska."
********************************
It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab."
"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."
"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
********************************
Gray Hair
When I discovered my first gray hair I immediately wrote to my parents:
"Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience
this with me too."
I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.
My father's response was in the form of a poem:
It's a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first gray hair.
He signed off with this observation:
"That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!"
********************************
Emailed to me another humor list (Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List) -Tom
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Weight Watching
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things
from her wardrobe that no longer fit.
Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."
Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"
Employee: I have been here 11 years doing three men's work for one man's pay. Now I want a raise.
Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but if you'll tell me who the other two men are, I'll fire them.
********************************
Employee: I have been here 11 years doing three men's work for one man's pay. Now I want a raise.
Boss: Well, I can't give you a raise, but if you'll tell me who the other two men are, I'll fire them.
********************************
A new young bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all
just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"
"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom. "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket? What did you need an airplane ticket
for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the
directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a
frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska."
********************************
It's forty below zero one winter night in Alaska. Pat is drinking at his local saloon and the bartender says to him, "You owe me quite a bit on your tab."
"Sorry," says Pat, "I'm flat broke this week."
"That's okay," says the bartender. "I'll just write your name and the amount you owe me right here on the wall."
"But," says Pat, "I don't want any of my friends to see that."
"They won't," says the bartender. "I'll just hang your parka over it until it's paid."
********************************
Gray Hair
When I discovered my first gray hair I immediately wrote to my parents:
"Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience
this with me too."
I taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.
My father's response was in the form of a poem:
It's a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first gray hair.
He signed off with this observation:
"That gray hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!"
********************************
Emailed to me another humor list (Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List) -Tom
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Weight Watching
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things
from her wardrobe that no longer fit.
Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."
Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
hUMOR For April 13th
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you everdone anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked."Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a tripto the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang ofhigh-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen."So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker andsmacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, andthrew it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?""Just a couple minutes ago"
********************************
John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.
"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
********************************
Aboard the USS TARAWA for six months, my brother Don posted a picture of his beloved truck in his locker. Since his fellow Marines had pictures of their girlfriends posted, they often ridiculed him for his object of adoration.
"Laugh all you want," Don told them. "At least my truck will still be there when I get home."
********************************
John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.
"Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"
"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."
********************************
Aboard the USS TARAWA for six months, my brother Don posted a picture of his beloved truck in his locker. Since his fellow Marines had pictures of their girlfriends posted, they often ridiculed him for his object of adoration.
"Laugh all you want," Don told them. "At least my truck will still be there when I get home."
Monday, April 11, 2005
IMPORTANT NOTICE
I am in the process of moving. I will try to continue posting dail hUMOR, but I'm sure there will be days I won't be able to. Keep checking back for an enjoyable laugh.
Dan
Dan
hUMOR For April 11th
********************************
There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak... why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."
********************************
Stuntmen
A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the
mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a
guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into
flames. There were no injuries.
********************************
I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.
After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."
There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak... why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."
********************************
Stuntmen
A van carrying a dozen movie stuntmen on the way to a film location in the
mountains spun out of control on the icy road, crashed through a
guard-rail, rolled down a 90-foot embankment, turned over, and burst into
flames. There were no injuries.
********************************
I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.
After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."
Sunday, April 10, 2005
hUMOR For April 10th
********************************
The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant, named Calle. It seems that Calle has a chronic illness which requires daily medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a pharmacologist developed a suppository for her.
The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame, California.
Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT ALL THIS MEANS?
It means that five people have jobs worse than yours!
********************************
You know you're growing old when..
You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car-in the "ten items or less" lane.
You've stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
You've found yourself discussing the weather.
You remember your kid's names, just not always the right one.
You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they work.
You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.
You've had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic-"for the last time in a generation"
Wal-Mart and Target seem to share your fashion sense.
The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.
You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag-in less than five minutes.
You know what Earth Shoes are.
You think if you hear "Stairway to Heaven" one more time your head will explode.
Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
When a priest makes a mistake in church, it's a clerical error.
The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant, named Calle. It seems that Calle has a chronic illness which requires daily medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a pharmacologist developed a suppository for her.
The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame, California.
Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT ALL THIS MEANS?
It means that five people have jobs worse than yours!
********************************
You know you're growing old when..
You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car-in the "ten items or less" lane.
You've stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
You've found yourself discussing the weather.
You remember your kid's names, just not always the right one.
You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they work.
You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator Muzak.
You've had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic-"for the last time in a generation"
Wal-Mart and Target seem to share your fashion sense.
The only way you know to stop a virtual pet from beeping involves the patio and a sledgehammer.
You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your bathroom into a carry-on bag-in less than five minutes.
You know what Earth Shoes are.
You think if you hear "Stairway to Heaven" one more time your head will explode.
Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles, but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
When a priest makes a mistake in church, it's a clerical error.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
hUMOR For April 9th
********************************
A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the
name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly
Finkel in room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her
records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood
pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal
and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was
so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly
your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302.
Dr.Cohen doesn't tell me anything!"
********************************
Warning Labels!
7 Up:Contents under pressure. Cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury. Point away from face and people, especially when opening.
Vicks Ny-Quil Gel Caps:Use of this product in conjunction with alcohol or sedatives may cause drowsiness.
Jonsreds Chainsaw:Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.
Windex:Do not spray in eyes.
McDonald's Coffee:Warning - Contents may be hot.
Bayer Aspirin:Do not take if allergic to aspirin.
Liquid Plummer:Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.
Miller Lite:Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.
Komatsu Floodlight:This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.
Tonyang Lighting Screwdriver:Use 3 pieces of batteries on 4.
Moet White Star Champagne:Warning: Remove label before placing in microwave.
Energizer AAA 4 Pack:If swallowed, promptly see doctor.
Boot's Childrens Cough Medicine:Do not drive a car or run machinery.
Fritos:You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Mr. Bubbles:Keep out of reach of children.
Mark and Spencer's Bread PuddingProduct will be hot after heating.
Craftsman Push MowerWarning: Do not attempt to remove blade while lawnmower is running or plugged into an outlet.
Sainsbury Peanuts (Read Comments)Warning: This product contains nuts.
A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the
name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly
Finkel in room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her
records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood
pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal
and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was
so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly
your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302.
Dr.Cohen doesn't tell me anything!"
********************************
Warning Labels!
7 Up:Contents under pressure. Cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury. Point away from face and people, especially when opening.
Vicks Ny-Quil Gel Caps:Use of this product in conjunction with alcohol or sedatives may cause drowsiness.
Jonsreds Chainsaw:Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.
Windex:Do not spray in eyes.
McDonald's Coffee:Warning - Contents may be hot.
Bayer Aspirin:Do not take if allergic to aspirin.
Liquid Plummer:Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.
Miller Lite:Consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.
Komatsu Floodlight:This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.
Tonyang Lighting Screwdriver:Use 3 pieces of batteries on 4.
Moet White Star Champagne:Warning: Remove label before placing in microwave.
Energizer AAA 4 Pack:If swallowed, promptly see doctor.
Boot's Childrens Cough Medicine:Do not drive a car or run machinery.
Fritos:You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Mr. Bubbles:Keep out of reach of children.
Mark and Spencer's Bread PuddingProduct will be hot after heating.
Craftsman Push MowerWarning: Do not attempt to remove blade while lawnmower is running or plugged into an outlet.
Sainsbury Peanuts (Read Comments)Warning: This product contains nuts.
Friday, April 08, 2005
hUMOR For April 8th
Doctor's Advice
Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you
know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's
your excuse?
Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.
Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no
such order.
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
-------------------------------------
An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.
All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.
The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.
Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses' exams. These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for supper!"
********************************
An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.
All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.
The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.
Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses' exams. These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for supper!"
********************************
Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are.
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it
doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and
it shouldn't, use the duct tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave
you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -
believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this
matter one year from now? How about one month? One week?
One day?"
9. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have
another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally, be really nice to your friends and family.
You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
********************************
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars." The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
********************************
Auto Shopping
A woman whose fondness for the good life had taken its toll in added pounds
- and girth - was being shown a Jeep by a salesman at an auto dealership.
When the salesman's pitch had run its course, he sought to close with the
typical line, "Now what would it take to get you into one of these?"
Looking at the Jeep's high front seat, the woman replied, "Probably a crowbar."
Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you
know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's
your excuse?
Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.
Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no
such order.
Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.
-------------------------------------
An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.
All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.
The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.
Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses' exams. These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for supper!"
********************************
An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.
All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk.
The math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape, and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trigonometry to figure out the height of the building.
Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment done, they were up plenty late studying for other courses' exams. These two students bumped into the engineering student the next day, who looked quite refreshed. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and went inside for supper!"
********************************
Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are.
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it
doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and
it shouldn't, use the duct tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave
you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -
believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this
matter one year from now? How about one month? One week?
One day?"
9. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have
another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally, be really nice to your friends and family.
You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
********************************
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possible compensate him for his services. "My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars." The client opened the wallet, removed a one-thousand dollar bill, replaced it with a five-hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
********************************
Auto Shopping
A woman whose fondness for the good life had taken its toll in added pounds
- and girth - was being shown a Jeep by a salesman at an auto dealership.
When the salesman's pitch had run its course, he sought to close with the
typical line, "Now what would it take to get you into one of these?"
Looking at the Jeep's high front seat, the woman replied, "Probably a crowbar."
Thursday, April 07, 2005
hUMOR For April 7th
********************************
When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen." He explained.
"When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, they're Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, they're Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the who's talking over the tops of the newspapers, they're juniors. And when they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they're seniors. "And when you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, they're graduate students."
********************************
When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen." He explained.
"When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, they're Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, they're Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the who's talking over the tops of the newspapers, they're juniors. And when they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they're seniors. "And when you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, they're graduate students."
********************************
Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a
deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downward
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people." "Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a
land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah,"said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious
place on earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then
proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would
be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait til you see
the idiots I put there!"
********************************
Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a
deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downward
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people." "Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a
land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah,"said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious
place on earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then
proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would
be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait til you seethe idiots I put there!"
When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen." He explained.
"When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, they're Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, they're Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the who's talking over the tops of the newspapers, they're juniors. And when they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they're seniors. "And when you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, they're graduate students."
********************************
When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded "Ah, you're Freshmen." He explained.
"When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, they're Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, they're Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the who's talking over the tops of the newspapers, they're juniors. And when they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they're seniors. "And when you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, they're graduate students."
********************************
Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a
deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downward
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people." "Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a
land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah,"said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious
place on earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then
proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would
be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait til you see
the idiots I put there!"
********************************
Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a
deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downward
through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people." "Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a
land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah,"said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious
place on earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then
proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would
be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait til you seethe idiots I put there!"
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
hUMOR For April 5th
********************************
The dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler were recovered off the
Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their ship. Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. They claimed that a cow, falling out of the clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.
They remained in prison for several weeks, until the
Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield. They forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily departed for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
********************************
A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, said, "I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston."
"Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.
"Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?"
********************************
A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, said, "I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston."
"Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.
"Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?"
********************************
Alligator Teeth
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as
pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
The dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler were recovered off the
Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their ship. Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. They claimed that a cow, falling out of the clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships, shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.
They remained in prison for several weeks, until the
Russian Air Force reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield. They forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily departed for home. Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude of 30,000 feet.
********************************
A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, said, "I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston."
"Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.
"Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?"
********************************
A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, said, "I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston."
"Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian.
"Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?"
********************************
Alligator Teeth
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as
pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
Monday, April 04, 2005
hUMOR For April 4th
********************************
Bumper stickers 01
I love animals, they taste great.EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest! Give me ambiguity or give me something else. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
********************************
Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot""Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense." I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own. At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
********************************
Answering machine message 260
Now I lay me down to sleep;Leave a message at the beep.If I die before I wake,Remember to erase the tape.
********************************
Answering machine message 01
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
********************************
Answering machine message 03
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
********************************
The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
Bumper stickers 01
I love animals, they taste great.EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later. "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. He who laughs last thinks slowest! Give me ambiguity or give me something else. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
********************************
Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago: Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an organic carrot""Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense." I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not served here. You have to bring your own. At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."
********************************
Answering machine message 260
Now I lay me down to sleep;Leave a message at the beep.If I die before I wake,Remember to erase the tape.
********************************
Answering machine message 01
Well I finally got an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...
********************************
Answering machine message 03
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...
********************************
The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department."
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
Sunday, April 03, 2005
hUMOR For April 3rd
********************************
NEW YORK (AP) -- Century Communications announced today
plans for an exciting new 900 service, with profits to go
to help defray the cost of installing and maintaining
enhanced 911 service across the country. Called "The 911 Chatline," it allows callers to choose an area of the country and to listen to 911 emergency calls from it.
When asked what prompted this unusual foray into the 900 business, Century spokeswoman Fawn Lebowitz said, "In recent years we've seen a dramatic increase in the popularity of reality-based television shows. The 911 Chatline allows callers to experience real-life drama while it is going on, all from the comfort of their own home."
While listening to the emergency calls going through,
callers to the Chatline have a number of options. They can listen to just the 911 calls for the area they select, switch their call to a different area, or, probably the most interesting option, connect their call to the 911 Chatline to discuss the details of the emergencies with each other as they happen and before the police have even arrived!
Thanks to new voice recognition software from AT&T, callers
do not even need a touch tone telephone in order to use the service. They can choose which 911 center to listen to simply by saying the area code and city that they are interested in listening to calls from. Calls are directed to the 911 center nearest this location.
As 911 centers sign up to receive their share of the
profits, they are connected to the Chatline network.
Century says it has already wired up over 50 centers and
that it has coverage in most major metropolitan areas. They plan to have the whole nation wired by April 2007.
(GCFL Note: This is an old April Fools day piece. It's not real. Have a great weekend (except Trey Nolen, who doesn't like anyone trying to boss him around)!
********************************
24 Pigs
A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in
South Carolina.
A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to
impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.
"Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine,
twenty-four pigs. Twice the number there are in the jury box."
NEW YORK (AP) -- Century Communications announced today
plans for an exciting new 900 service, with profits to go
to help defray the cost of installing and maintaining
enhanced 911 service across the country. Called "The 911 Chatline," it allows callers to choose an area of the country and to listen to 911 emergency calls from it.
When asked what prompted this unusual foray into the 900 business, Century spokeswoman Fawn Lebowitz said, "In recent years we've seen a dramatic increase in the popularity of reality-based television shows. The 911 Chatline allows callers to experience real-life drama while it is going on, all from the comfort of their own home."
While listening to the emergency calls going through,
callers to the Chatline have a number of options. They can listen to just the 911 calls for the area they select, switch their call to a different area, or, probably the most interesting option, connect their call to the 911 Chatline to discuss the details of the emergencies with each other as they happen and before the police have even arrived!
Thanks to new voice recognition software from AT&T, callers
do not even need a touch tone telephone in order to use the service. They can choose which 911 center to listen to simply by saying the area code and city that they are interested in listening to calls from. Calls are directed to the 911 center nearest this location.
As 911 centers sign up to receive their share of the
profits, they are connected to the Chatline network.
Century says it has already wired up over 50 centers and
that it has coverage in most major metropolitan areas. They plan to have the whole nation wired by April 2007.
(GCFL Note: This is an old April Fools day piece. It's not real. Have a great weekend (except Trey Nolen, who doesn't like anyone trying to boss him around)!
********************************
24 Pigs
A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first case in
South Carolina.
A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was trying to
impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.
"Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. Imagine,
twenty-four pigs. Twice the number there are in the jury box."
Friday, April 01, 2005
hUMOR For April 1st
********************************
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of
my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick
and tired of it.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how
to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the fire department put
snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put
these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the
fire department could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone
doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only
two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
********************************
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign .....
Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust
********************************
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign .....
Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust
********************************
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign .....
Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust
********************************
Newlywed Repairs
A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing
convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her
eyes. "I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!"
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of
my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick
and tired of it.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how
to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the fire department put
snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put
these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the
fire department could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone
doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only
two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
********************************
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign .....
Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust
********************************
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign .....
Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust
********************************
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign .....
Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust
********************************
Newlywed Repairs
A man came home from the office and found his new bride sobbing
convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."
"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."
"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman, drying her
eyes. "I was able to use a piece from them to patch the hole!"
Thursday, March 31, 2005
hUMOR For March 31st
********************************
After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in
the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two
little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen
window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed
his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face
into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood
laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a
panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger.
"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes.
********************************
I attend a small village church in rural PA. On any given Sunday, we may have six or seven faithful little ones who come with their parents for the whole church service. Pastor has a white bag which gets passed from child to child, making sure they get equal turns to put something in for him to talk about. Each Sunday, Pastor calls all the little children up to him and he opens the bag to find a "surprise" on which he bases his children's sermon.
Last week, the bag went home with a little guy who spends many hours a week on church related activities. His parents and older brother are very active and so, in turn, is he. When Pastor opened the bag, there was a copy of Handel's Messiah which was very appropriate for Easter Sunday.
Pastor and the children had a lively discussion going on about the joy and happiness that music brings to the service. As he closed the little talk, Pastor said, " Yes, music is a wonderful part of our service. What would church be like if there was none?"
Without skipping a beat, the little boy who had brought the music said, "About a half an hour!"
Needless to say, everyone exploded into laughter which lasted for minutes. Finally, Pastor said, "There is no way I can top that so let's have a little prayer before you return to your seats."
********************************
I attend a small village church in rural PA. On any given Sunday, we may have six or seven faithful little ones who come with their parents for the whole church service. Pastor has a white bag which gets passed from child to child, making sure they get equal turns to put something in for him to talk about. Each Sunday, Pastor calls all the little children up to him and he opens the bag to find a "surprise" on which he bases his children's sermon.
Last week, the bag went home with a little guy who spends many hours a week on church related activities. His parents and older brother are very active and so, in turn, is he. When Pastor opened the bag, there was a copy of Handel's Messiah which was very appropriate for Easter Sunday.
Pastor and the children had a lively discussion going on about the joy and happiness that music brings to the service. As he closed the little talk, Pastor said, " Yes, music is a wonderful part of our service. What would church be like if there was none?"
Without skipping a beat, the little boy who had brought the music said, "About a half an hour!"
Needless to say, everyone exploded into laughter which lasted for minutes. Finally, Pastor said, "There is no way I can top that so let's have a little prayer before you return to your seats."
********************************
Captain's Log
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of stowed-away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little drunk the next morning. Later in the day, when the first mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship's log. He read the Captain's entry for the day: "The first mate was drunk today."
"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."
"Well, is it true?" asked the Captain, knowing full well it was.
"Yes, it's true," admitted the mate.
"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said the Captain sternly.
Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today."
********************************
Don't Smoke
A couple of hours into a visit with my mother, she noticed I hadn't once
lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."
"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more
often."
After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in
the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two
little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen
window. The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed
his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face
into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood
laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a
panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she says as she shook the older boy in anger.
"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes.
********************************
I attend a small village church in rural PA. On any given Sunday, we may have six or seven faithful little ones who come with their parents for the whole church service. Pastor has a white bag which gets passed from child to child, making sure they get equal turns to put something in for him to talk about. Each Sunday, Pastor calls all the little children up to him and he opens the bag to find a "surprise" on which he bases his children's sermon.
Last week, the bag went home with a little guy who spends many hours a week on church related activities. His parents and older brother are very active and so, in turn, is he. When Pastor opened the bag, there was a copy of Handel's Messiah which was very appropriate for Easter Sunday.
Pastor and the children had a lively discussion going on about the joy and happiness that music brings to the service. As he closed the little talk, Pastor said, " Yes, music is a wonderful part of our service. What would church be like if there was none?"
Without skipping a beat, the little boy who had brought the music said, "About a half an hour!"
Needless to say, everyone exploded into laughter which lasted for minutes. Finally, Pastor said, "There is no way I can top that so let's have a little prayer before you return to your seats."
********************************
I attend a small village church in rural PA. On any given Sunday, we may have six or seven faithful little ones who come with their parents for the whole church service. Pastor has a white bag which gets passed from child to child, making sure they get equal turns to put something in for him to talk about. Each Sunday, Pastor calls all the little children up to him and he opens the bag to find a "surprise" on which he bases his children's sermon.
Last week, the bag went home with a little guy who spends many hours a week on church related activities. His parents and older brother are very active and so, in turn, is he. When Pastor opened the bag, there was a copy of Handel's Messiah which was very appropriate for Easter Sunday.
Pastor and the children had a lively discussion going on about the joy and happiness that music brings to the service. As he closed the little talk, Pastor said, " Yes, music is a wonderful part of our service. What would church be like if there was none?"
Without skipping a beat, the little boy who had brought the music said, "About a half an hour!"
Needless to say, everyone exploded into laughter which lasted for minutes. Finally, Pastor said, "There is no way I can top that so let's have a little prayer before you return to your seats."
********************************
Captain's Log
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of stowed-away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little drunk the next morning. Later in the day, when the first mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship's log. He read the Captain's entry for the day: "The first mate was drunk today."
"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."
"Well, is it true?" asked the Captain, knowing full well it was.
"Yes, it's true," admitted the mate.
"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said the Captain sternly.
Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today."
********************************
Don't Smoke
A couple of hours into a visit with my mother, she noticed I hadn't once
lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."
"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more
often."
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
hUMOR For March 30th
********************************
Shoe Shine
As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in
Washington, DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One
afternoon, I showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my
khaki uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home,"
he said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."
The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones
the sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right
shoe, shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he
said. "Now all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."
********************************
The Bible According to Kids
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF
YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS
HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED NOR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT
TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH
OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE.
NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND
THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT
A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY
THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED
ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE
APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.
AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE
TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO
EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT
ADULTERY. (Hmmm???)
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN
JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA
TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING
THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE
WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE
SANG THE MAGNA CARTA
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE
ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE
CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO
UNTO OTHERS, BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO
EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND
MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE
12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO
A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED
HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED
MONOTONY (I know a lot of guys who'd agree with this
one!!)
********************************
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a mnute and then said, "All my life I
lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would
like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge
fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and
they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the
gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives:
from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could
just have some little roller skates, we would not have to
run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful
little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He
found her sound asleep on her fluffly pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
********************************
After living in our house for four years, we were moving out of state. My husband had backed the truck up to our garage door so that we could start loading all of the boxes. Just then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn carrying a plate full of muffins.
"Isn't that thoughtful," my husband said to me. "They must have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff."
The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!"
********************************
After living in our house for four years, we were moving out of state. My husband had backed the truck up to our garage door so that we could start loading all of the boxes. Just then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn carrying a plate full of muffins.
"Isn't that thoughtful," my husband said to me. "They must have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff."
The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
I hate the speed bump in the laneway of my complex.
But I just get over it and move on.
********************************
Thanks to AB for this one: Tips for student pilots.
1. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get
bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you
were up there than up there wishing you were down
here.
5. The only time you have too much fuel is when
you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the
plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you
can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one
has ever collided with the sky.
8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk
away. A "great" landing is one after which they can
use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live
long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it
takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely
proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of
arrival equals a small probability of survival -- and
vice versa.
12. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your
brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone
keeps talking about might be another airplane going in
the opposite direction.
14. Reliable sources also report that mountains have
been known to hide out in clouds.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. 16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 17. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. 18. If all you can see out of the windscreen is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. 19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 20. Good judgment comes from experience.
Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad
judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end
going forward as much as possible.
22. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots.
There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's
the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. Always try to keep the number of landings you
make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.
25. The three most useless things to a pilot are
altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of
a second ago.
And a bonus tip:
Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth
repels them.
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Truisms
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a
free trip around the sun.
Birthdays are good for you: the more you have the
longer you live.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
I have noticed that the people who are late are often
so much jollier than the people who have to wait for
them.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside
of us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come
nothing in the store is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may
also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because its over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp,
some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors ... but they all have to
learn to live in the same box.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but
no simpler.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery
on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you
left open.
Shoe Shine
As a new Ensign, I was assigned duty at the Naval Observatory in
Washington, DC, and carpooled to work with a veteran Marine sergeant. One
afternoon, I showed him a pair of brown shoes I had purchased to go with my
khaki uniform. He examined the leather carefully. "Let me take these home,"
he said, "and I'll show you a real Marine Corps shine."
The next day I wore my old shoes, expecting to switch them with the ones
the sergeant was polishing. From a grocery bag, Sarge pulled out the right
shoe, shining like glass. "This is the way a Marine shines a shoe," he
said. "Now all you have to do is polish the left one to look like it."
********************************
The Bible According to Kids
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF
YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS
HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED NOR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT
TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH
OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE.
NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND
THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT
A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY
THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED
ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE
APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.
AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE
TEN COMMANDMENTS.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO
EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT
ADULTERY. (Hmmm???)
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN
JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA
TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING
THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE
WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE
SANG THE MAGNA CARTA
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE
ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE
CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO
UNTO OTHERS, BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO
EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND
MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE
12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO
A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED
HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED
MONOTONY (I know a lot of guys who'd agree with this
one!!)
********************************
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a mnute and then said, "All my life I
lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would
like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge
fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and
they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the
gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives:
from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could
just have some little roller skates, we would not have to
run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful
little roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He
found her sound asleep on her fluffly pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"
********************************
After living in our house for four years, we were moving out of state. My husband had backed the truck up to our garage door so that we could start loading all of the boxes. Just then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn carrying a plate full of muffins.
"Isn't that thoughtful," my husband said to me. "They must have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff."
The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!"
********************************
After living in our house for four years, we were moving out of state. My husband had backed the truck up to our garage door so that we could start loading all of the boxes. Just then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn carrying a plate full of muffins.
"Isn't that thoughtful," my husband said to me. "They must have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff."
The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
I hate the speed bump in the laneway of my complex.
But I just get over it and move on.
********************************
Thanks to AB for this one: Tips for student pilots.
1. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get
bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you
were up there than up there wishing you were down
here.
5. The only time you have too much fuel is when
you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the
plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you
can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one
has ever collided with the sky.
8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk
away. A "great" landing is one after which they can
use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live
long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it
takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely
proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of
arrival equals a small probability of survival -- and
vice versa.
12. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your
brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone
keeps talking about might be another airplane going in
the opposite direction.
14. Reliable sources also report that mountains have
been known to hide out in clouds.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. 16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 17. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. 18. If all you can see out of the windscreen is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. 19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 20. Good judgment comes from experience.
Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad
judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end
going forward as much as possible.
22. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots.
There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's
the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. Always try to keep the number of landings you
make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.
25. The three most useless things to a pilot are
altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of
a second ago.
And a bonus tip:
Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth
repels them.
******************************************************
Thanks to LBS: Truisms
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a
free trip around the sun.
Birthdays are good for you: the more you have the
longer you live.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the
bathroom door you're on.
I have noticed that the people who are late are often
so much jollier than the people who have to wait for
them.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside
of us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come
nothing in the store is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may
also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don't cry because its over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp,
some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names,
and all are different colors ... but they all have to
learn to live in the same box.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but
no simpler.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery
on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you
left open.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
hUMOR For March 29
********************************
Thanks to a friend: Are you there?
A little boy, who was "very" much afraid of the dark,
was told by his mother to go out to the back porch and
bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I
don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. You don't
have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus
is out there He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and
asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure . He is everywhere, and he is always
ready to help you when you need him" she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and
then went to the back door and cracked it a little.
Peering out into the darkness, he called "Jesus? If
you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
******************************************************
Thanks to a friend: Jonah
A little girl was observed by her preacher standing
outside the preschool Sunday School classroom between
Sunday School and worship, waiting for her parents to
come and pick her up for "big church."
The preacher noticed that she clutched a big storybook
under her arms with the obvious title, "Jonah and the
Whale."
Feeling a little pernicious, he knelt down beside the
little girl and began a conversation. "What's that you
have in your hand?" he asked.
"This is my storybook about Jonah and the Whale," she
answered.
"Tell me something, little girl," he continued, "do
you believe that story about Jonah and that whale to
be the truth?"
The little girl implored, "Why of course I believe
this story to be the truth!"
He inquired further, "You really believe that a man
can be swallowed up by a big whale, stay inside him
all that time, and come out of there still alive and
OK? You really believe all that can be true?"
She declared, "Absolutely, this story is in the Bible
and we studied about it in Sunday School today!"
Then the preacher asked, "Well, little girl, can you
prove to me that this story is the truth?"
She thought for a moment and then said, "Well, when I
get to Heaven, I'll ask Jonah."
The preacher then asked, "Well, what if Jonah's not in
Heaven?"
She then put her hands on her little hips and sternly
declared, "Then YOU can ask him!"
******************************************************
Thanks to a friend: A Blonde Puzzle
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come
over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw
puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to look like
when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box,
it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the
puzzle. She lets him in and shows him to where she
has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the
box, and says, "First, no matter what we do, we're not
going to be able to assemble these pieces into
anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you
to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all
these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
******************************************************
Here is an old favorite, submitted by a friend:
Why Are Firetrucks Red?
Do you know why fire trucks are red? Well... fire
trucks have eight wheels and four firemen. Eight and
four are twelve. There are twelve inches in a foot. A
foot is a ruler. The Queen Elizabeth (named after a
great ruler) is the largest ship on the seas. Seas
have fish. Fish have fins. The Finns fought the
Russians. The Russian flag is mostly red. Fire trucks
are always 'rushin' around. Therefore fire trucks are
red.
If you think this reasoning is a bit far fetched, you
ought to hear some people try to explain why they are
not in Sunday school and church!!
******************************************************
From a friend: Five Finger Prayer (Author Unknown)
1. Your Thumb is nearest to you. So begin your prayers
by praying for those closest to you. They are the
easiest to remember. To pray for our loved ones is, as
C.S. Lewis once said "sweet duty."
2. The next finger is the Pointing Finger. Pray for
those who teach, instruct and heal. This includes
teachers, doctors, and ministers. They need support
and wisdom in pointing others in the right direction.
Keep them in your prayers.
3. The next finger is the Tallest Finger. It reminds
us of our leaders. Pray for the president, leaders in
business and industry, and administrators. These
people shape our nation and guide public opinion. They
need God's guidance.
4. The fourth finger is our Ring Finger. Surprising to
many is the fact that this is our weakest finger, as
any piano teacher will testify. It should remind us to
pray for those who are weak, in trouble or in pain.
They need your prayers day and night. You cannot pray
too much for them.
5. And lastly comes our Little Finger, the smallest
finger of all. Which is where we should place
ourselves in relation to God and others. As the Bible
says, "The least shall be the greatest among you."
Your Pinkie should remind you to pray for yourself. By
the time you have prayed for the other four groups,
your own needs will be put into proper perspective and
you will be able to pray for yourself more
effectively.
********************************
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's
done it again!"
********************************
The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.
The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her. Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear," carefully spelling the key word.
Whereupon the child piped up, "But awful s-m-a-r-t."
********************************
The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.
The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her. Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear," carefully spelling the key word.
Whereupon the child piped up, "But awful s-m-a-r-t."
Thanks to a friend: Are you there?
A little boy, who was "very" much afraid of the dark,
was told by his mother to go out to the back porch and
bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I
don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. You don't
have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus
is out there He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and
asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure . He is everywhere, and he is always
ready to help you when you need him" she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and
then went to the back door and cracked it a little.
Peering out into the darkness, he called "Jesus? If
you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
******************************************************
Thanks to a friend: Jonah
A little girl was observed by her preacher standing
outside the preschool Sunday School classroom between
Sunday School and worship, waiting for her parents to
come and pick her up for "big church."
The preacher noticed that she clutched a big storybook
under her arms with the obvious title, "Jonah and the
Whale."
Feeling a little pernicious, he knelt down beside the
little girl and began a conversation. "What's that you
have in your hand?" he asked.
"This is my storybook about Jonah and the Whale," she
answered.
"Tell me something, little girl," he continued, "do
you believe that story about Jonah and that whale to
be the truth?"
The little girl implored, "Why of course I believe
this story to be the truth!"
He inquired further, "You really believe that a man
can be swallowed up by a big whale, stay inside him
all that time, and come out of there still alive and
OK? You really believe all that can be true?"
She declared, "Absolutely, this story is in the Bible
and we studied about it in Sunday School today!"
Then the preacher asked, "Well, little girl, can you
prove to me that this story is the truth?"
She thought for a moment and then said, "Well, when I
get to Heaven, I'll ask Jonah."
The preacher then asked, "Well, what if Jonah's not in
Heaven?"
She then put her hands on her little hips and sternly
declared, "Then YOU can ask him!"
******************************************************
Thanks to a friend: A Blonde Puzzle
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come
over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw
puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to look like
when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box,
it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the
puzzle. She lets him in and shows him to where she
has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the
box, and says, "First, no matter what we do, we're not
going to be able to assemble these pieces into
anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you
to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all
these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
******************************************************
Here is an old favorite, submitted by a friend:
Why Are Firetrucks Red?
Do you know why fire trucks are red? Well... fire
trucks have eight wheels and four firemen. Eight and
four are twelve. There are twelve inches in a foot. A
foot is a ruler. The Queen Elizabeth (named after a
great ruler) is the largest ship on the seas. Seas
have fish. Fish have fins. The Finns fought the
Russians. The Russian flag is mostly red. Fire trucks
are always 'rushin' around. Therefore fire trucks are
red.
If you think this reasoning is a bit far fetched, you
ought to hear some people try to explain why they are
not in Sunday school and church!!
******************************************************
From a friend: Five Finger Prayer (Author Unknown)
1. Your Thumb is nearest to you. So begin your prayers
by praying for those closest to you. They are the
easiest to remember. To pray for our loved ones is, as
C.S. Lewis once said "sweet duty."
2. The next finger is the Pointing Finger. Pray for
those who teach, instruct and heal. This includes
teachers, doctors, and ministers. They need support
and wisdom in pointing others in the right direction.
Keep them in your prayers.
3. The next finger is the Tallest Finger. It reminds
us of our leaders. Pray for the president, leaders in
business and industry, and administrators. These
people shape our nation and guide public opinion. They
need God's guidance.
4. The fourth finger is our Ring Finger. Surprising to
many is the fact that this is our weakest finger, as
any piano teacher will testify. It should remind us to
pray for those who are weak, in trouble or in pain.
They need your prayers day and night. You cannot pray
too much for them.
5. And lastly comes our Little Finger, the smallest
finger of all. Which is where we should place
ourselves in relation to God and others. As the Bible
says, "The least shall be the greatest among you."
Your Pinkie should remind you to pray for yourself. By
the time you have prayed for the other four groups,
your own needs will be put into proper perspective and
you will be able to pray for yourself more
effectively.
********************************
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's
done it again!"
********************************
The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.
The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her. Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear," carefully spelling the key word.
Whereupon the child piped up, "But awful s-m-a-r-t."
********************************
The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.
The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her. Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear," carefully spelling the key word.
Whereupon the child piped up, "But awful s-m-a-r-t."
Monday, March 28, 2005
hUMOR For March 28th
********************************
When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy.
I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?" I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you."
"Where did Mom come from then?""The stork brought her, too.""OK, then where did you come from?""The stork brought me too, dear.""Okay, thanks, Grandma."
I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."
********************************
Each day, we post a free, clean, and hilarious joke of the day! For today's joke, see below! To laugh tomorrow and in the future, bookmark this page using Ctrl+D.
********************************
Find out about the cat
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"
********************************
********************************
Back Pain
The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked. The wife shook her head, "No .... Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."
********************************
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
******************************
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?
"No, this is 322-1374."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"
When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy.
I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?" I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you."
"Where did Mom come from then?""The stork brought her, too.""OK, then where did you come from?""The stork brought me too, dear.""Okay, thanks, Grandma."
I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."
********************************
Each day, we post a free, clean, and hilarious joke of the day! For today's joke, see below! To laugh tomorrow and in the future, bookmark this page using Ctrl+D.
********************************
Find out about the cat
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"
********************************
********************************
Back Pain
The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked. The wife shook her head, "No .... Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."
********************************
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
******************************
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"
"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."
The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"
"Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374?
"No, this is 322-1374."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."
There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"
Sunday, March 27, 2005
hUMOR For March 27th
********************************
Only the Best!
My daughter goes to extremes in caring for her new sports car. One
afternoon we went to get gas. When the attendant asked what kind, she said, "Unleaded -- super. The best you have. And check the oil, please."
When the man found the car needed a quart, he asked, "What kind do you use?"
"I just want the finest," she said. "Whatever it costs. And look at the radiator too. It might need water."
"What does it take," the attendant inquired, "Perrier?"
********************************
"What happened to you?" asked the bystander of the man lying on the sidewalk outside of the beauty parlor.
The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised chin. "Well, the last thing I remember was my wife coming out of the beauty salon. I took one look at her and said, 'Well, Honey, ... at least you tried.'"
********************************
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."
********************************
A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter, the only problem, was that he didn't know the plural of 'Mongoose'.
He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese."
No, that won't work, he tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongooses." Is that right?
Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."
********************************
Yet another "technial support"...
Monday, June 11, 2001
True story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
Caller:
"Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech:
"Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller:
"The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech:
"I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller:
"Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech:
"Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller:
"It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '24X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
********************************
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
********************************
The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given questions: Why did God make mothers?
She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
Mostly to clean the house.
To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
We're related.
God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
His last name.
She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.
Why did your mom marry your dad?
My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
She got too old to do anything else with him.
My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
Mothers don't do spare time.
To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
About 30 years.
You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!
Describe the world's greatest mom?
She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
Just her children
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
********************************
********************************
Thanks to LBS: Inner Peace
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner
peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have
finished 2 bags of chips and a Chocolate cake. I feel
better already.
******************************************************
Thanks to DA: Fish Story
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in
northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the
crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not
familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the
boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am.
What are you doing?
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you
in and write you up."
If you do that! , I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault, says the woman.
"But I haven't touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all
I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN WHO READS. IT'S LIKELY
SHE CAN ALSO THINK.
******************************************************
Thanks to J&G B: Here is a math trick so unbelievable
that it will stump you.
1. Grab a calculator (you won't be able to do this one
in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number
(NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer?
******************************************************
Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE 28 -- FOOD FOR THOUGHT.
He who angers you, control you! Always keep this one
in mind.
Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember,
moses started out as a basket case.
Some people are kind, polite. sweet -spirited---UNTIL
you try to sit in their pews.
Many folk want to serve God, BUT, only as an adviser.
When you get to your wit's end. you'll find Gog lives
there.
People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the
middle of the road, and the back of the church.
********************************
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.
The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"
Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"
********************************
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.
The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"
Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"
Only the Best!
My daughter goes to extremes in caring for her new sports car. One
afternoon we went to get gas. When the attendant asked what kind, she said, "Unleaded -- super. The best you have. And check the oil, please."
When the man found the car needed a quart, he asked, "What kind do you use?"
"I just want the finest," she said. "Whatever it costs. And look at the radiator too. It might need water."
"What does it take," the attendant inquired, "Perrier?"
********************************
"What happened to you?" asked the bystander of the man lying on the sidewalk outside of the beauty parlor.
The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised chin. "Well, the last thing I remember was my wife coming out of the beauty salon. I took one look at her and said, 'Well, Honey, ... at least you tried.'"
********************************
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."
********************************
A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter, the only problem, was that he didn't know the plural of 'Mongoose'.
He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese."
No, that won't work, he tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongooses." Is that right?
Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."
********************************
Yet another "technial support"...
Monday, June 11, 2001
True story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
Caller:
"Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech:
"Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller:
"The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech:
"I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller:
"Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech:
"Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller:
"It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '24X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.
********************************
I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
********************************
The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given questions: Why did God make mothers?
She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
Mostly to clean the house.
To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
We're related.
God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
His last name.
She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores.
Why did your mom marry your dad?
My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
She got too old to do anything else with him.
My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
What makes a real woman?
It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
Who's the boss at your house?
Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball.
Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work.
Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
Mothers don't do spare time.
To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
About 30 years.
You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them!
Describe the world's greatest mom?
She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is anything about your mom perfect?
Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
Just her children
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
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Thanks to LBS: Inner Peace
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner
peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have
finished 2 bags of chips and a Chocolate cake. I feel
better already.
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Thanks to DA: Fish Story
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in
northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the
crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not
familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the
boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and continues to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am.
What are you doing?
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you
in and write you up."
If you do that! , I'll have to charge you with sexual
assault, says the woman.
"But I haven't touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all
I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
MORAL: NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN WHO READS. IT'S LIKELY
SHE CAN ALSO THINK.
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Thanks to J&G B: Here is a math trick so unbelievable
that it will stump you.
1. Grab a calculator (you won't be able to do this one
in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number
(NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer?
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Thanks to SUNSHINEROSE 28 -- FOOD FOR THOUGHT.
He who angers you, control you! Always keep this one
in mind.
Don't let your worries get the best of you, remember,
moses started out as a basket case.
Some people are kind, polite. sweet -spirited---UNTIL
you try to sit in their pews.
Many folk want to serve God, BUT, only as an adviser.
When you get to your wit's end. you'll find Gog lives
there.
People are funny, they want the front of the bus, the
middle of the road, and the back of the church.
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An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.
The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"
Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"
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An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.
The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"
Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"
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