********************************
From a friend... JEST FOR KIDS _ THE RIDDLES
What do you call a boy with one foot in the door?
Just-in! (Elma,12)
Why can't a bicycle stand alone?
Because it is two tired
What do you get if you cross day and night?
A nightlight (Wilton, 8)
Where do cows go on their first date?
To the moo-vies
What do you call spiders that have just been married?
Newlywebs! (Niraali, 110)
JEST FOR KIDS _ THE RIDDLES
In 1974 the wholesale price of sugar doubled, and grocers began to raise cane.
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Take a seat and I'll deal with you later.
At the gas station the other day I saw a guy spill gas all over his arm. As he was driving away he must have lit a cigarette because the next thing I saw was him waving his burning arm out the window. The cops busted him for having a firearm in his car.
PUNS IN THE COMICS
Theater review: The opening night crowd for "Rebel"
sat in stunned silence as the final curtain fell, It was a "Rebel" without applause." (Shoe: Cassett &
Brookins)
Every man has a price _ but some aren't worth buying.
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)
THE ONE-LINERS, RIDDLES & QUOTES
A yes man noes nothing. (wordfoolery
If you're at a costume party, it's probably difficult to tell the good guise from the bad. (Gail S. Angel)
What did the Marquis de Sade's wife say when asked why she was divorcing her husband? Beats me (Lorraine A.
Bellis)
Americans should be ashamed... We've eaten so many billions of Buffalo Wings that many kids today have never seen a buffalo fly. (Paul Benoit)
King Arthur, by issuing a command that all his knights go into battle properly attired, launched the first mail order! (John S. Crosbie)
Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction. (Adlai
Stevenson)
Among the things money can't buy is what it used to.
(Max Kauffman)
A gourmet challenged me to eat a tiny bit of rattlesnake meat. Remarking, "Don't look horror-stricken, You'll find it tastes a lot like chicken. It did. Now chicken I cannot eat. Because it tastes like rattlesnake meat. (Ogden Nash)
A man took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."
DAFFYNITIONS & VERBAL ABUSE
Vacuum Cleaner: A weapon of mess destruction
(wordfoolery)
Insanity: A problem of considerable dementions.
(Richard Lederer)
Fitness trainer: a person who lives off the fat of the land (Michael Driscoll)
Deceit: My mom makes me wear pants with patches on DECEIT.
Archaic: We can't have ARCHAIC and eat it too.
Antidotes: My uncle thinks I'm just fine and my ANTIDOTES on me too.
********************************
As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.
The bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"
"Well, they're smart pills."
"Smart pills?" the bully asked, then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.
"Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit turds!!"
"See, you're getting smarter already."
********************************
(GCFL has not verified these "facts" and does not claim they are true.)
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP"
indicated the direction of the bubbles.
No standard 8 1/2 x 11 piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
One in every four Americans has appeared on television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers'
first flight.
The albatross drinks sea water. It has a special desalinization apparatus that strains out and excretes all excess salt.
In Clarendon, Texas, there is reportedly a law on the books that lawyers must accept eggs, chickens, or other produce, as well as money, as payment of legal fees.
Cats purr at 26 cycles per second, the same as an idling diesel engine.
A dragonfly flaps its wings 20 to 40 times a second, bees and houseflies 200 times, some mosquitoes 600 times, and a tiny gnat 1,000 times.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
All porcupines float in water.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
When opossums are playing "possum," they are not "playing."
They actually pass out from sheer terror.
********************************
One morning, I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.
"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
********************************
HOW OLD IS GRANDMA?
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end - it will blow you away.
One evening, a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill..
There were no credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers,clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man had yet to walk on the moon.
Your Grandfather and I got married first and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, "Sir"- - and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir".
We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, day-care centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.
We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a
bigger privilege.
We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.
Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends - not purchasing condominiums.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.
We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.
And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.
The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.
Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5&10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?
Too bad because, gas was 11 cents a gallon.
In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,"chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store and "software" wasn't even a word.
And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.
Now how old do you think grandma is ??
********************************
Refueling
Once my wife and I had to take a flight that had 4 other stops before arriving at the Dallas-Forth Worth Airport. At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to the plane and my wife watched it pull up to the wing. She asked, "What's that truck doing?"
I explained that some airlines don't completely fuel up a plane for various reasons & we were taking on more fuel. This process was repeated at the next three stops, and my wife watched the plane being fueled each time.
At the last stop, I said, "You know, in spite of all these delays, we're making pretty good time."
My wife pointed out the window and said, "I don't know. That littlete truck is keeping up with us."
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
Monday, February 07, 2005
hUMOR For Februray 7th
********************************
Thanks to D&L S: Just Some Texas Stuff
Nobody asked for them, but here are some little known Texas facts. I know y'all just can't wait to read 'em!
Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles
Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles
El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
World's first rodeo was in Pecos... July 4, 1883.
The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full time coach for Rice University in Houston.
Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.
Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900 and caused by a hurricane in which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.
The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston."
King Ranch is larger than Rhode Island
Tropical Storm Claudette brought a US. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July 1979.
Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, instead of by annexation. (This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the US flag.)
A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.
Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period after Dr in Dr Pepper.
Texas has had six capital cities:
1. Washington-on-the-Brazos
2. Harrisburg
3. Galveston
4. Velasco
5. West Columbia
6. Austin
The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. (by 7 feet).
The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends.
Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.
The State animal is the Armadillo. An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies! They have one egg which splits into four and they either have four males or four females.
The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS - TEXAS STYLE
People here in Texas have trouble with all those shalls and shall nots in the 10 Commandments. Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch"
language: Ten Commandments, cowboy style.
Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas.
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple don't ya think?
Y'all have a good Day. Ya' hear?
********************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh Good Grief! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh Good Grief ! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What on earth is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.
Thanks to D&L S: Just Some Texas Stuff
Nobody asked for them, but here are some little known Texas facts. I know y'all just can't wait to read 'em!
Beaumont to El Paso: 742 miles
Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles
El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas
World's first rodeo was in Pecos... July 4, 1883.
The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
The Heisman Trophy was named after John William Heisman who was the first full time coach for Rice University in Houston.
Brazoria County has more species of birds than any other area in North America.
Aransas Wildlife Refuge is the winter home of North America's only remaining flock of whooping cranes.
Jalapeno jelly originated in Lake Jackson in 1978.
The worst natural disaster in U.S. history was in 1900 and caused by a hurricane in which over 8000 lives were lost on Galveston Island.
The first word spoken from the moon, July 20, 1969, was "Houston."
King Ranch is larger than Rhode Island
Tropical Storm Claudette brought a US. rainfall record of 43" in 24 hours in and around Alvin in July 1979.
Texas is the only state to enter the U.S. by TREATY, instead of by annexation. (This allows the Texas flag to fly at the same height as the US flag.)
A Live Oak tree near Fulton is estimated to be 1500 years old.
Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in the state.
Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. There is no period after Dr in Dr Pepper.
Texas has had six capital cities:
1. Washington-on-the-Brazos
2. Harrisburg
3. Galveston
4. Velasco
5. West Columbia
6. Austin
The Capitol Dome in Austin is the only dome in the U.S which is taller than the Capitol Building in Washington D.C. (by 7 feet).
The name Texas comes from the Hasini Indian word "tejas" meaning friends.
Tejas is not Spanish for Texas.
The State animal is the Armadillo. An interesting bit of trivia about the armadillo is they always have four babies! They have one egg which splits into four and they either have four males or four females.
The first domed stadium in the U.S. was the Astrodome in Houston.
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS - TEXAS STYLE
People here in Texas have trouble with all those shalls and shall nots in the 10 Commandments. Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch"
language: Ten Commandments, cowboy style.
Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas.
(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No telling tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin'.
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
Now that's kinda plain an' simple don't ya think?
Y'all have a good Day. Ya' hear?
********************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh Good Grief! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh Good Grief ! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What on earth is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.
Sunday, February 06, 2005
hUMOR For February 6th
********************************
The Way Children See Things!
NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents." KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.." DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayer s and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes." SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!" BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
********************************
On the road one day, a man and a woman smashed their cars together in a terrible car wreck. Both vehicles were totaled, but fortunately neither person was injured.
The woman said to the man, "Thank goodness we're both okay! We should celebrate. I have a bottle of wine in my car, so let's open it and toast the fact that we survived this wreck."
The man agreed and the woman opened the bottle of wine and handed it to him. He took a huge swallow and handed it back. The woman closed the bottled and set it down by his car. The man asked, "Aren't you going to take a drink?"
"No," the woman said. "I think I'll just wait for the cops to get here."
********************************
On the road one day, a man and a woman smashed their cars together in a terrible car wreck. Both vehicles were totaled, but fortunately neither person was injured.
The woman said to the man, "Thank goodness we're both okay! We should celebrate. I have a bottle of wine in my car, so let's open it and toast the fact that we survived this wreck."
The man agreed and the woman opened the bottle of wine and handed it to him. He took a huge swallow and handed it back. The woman closed the bottled and set it down by his car. The man asked, "Aren't you going to take a drink?"
"No," the woman said. "I think I'll just wait for the cops to get here."
********************************
Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about bears posted in campgrounds, visitors' centers and rest areas advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.
My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a bear, don't come in here!"
********************************
Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son afteryears of hoping.The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye.Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, "Son, Ilove you very much. Your birthday is coming soon.What would you like?"His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."His father bought him American Airlines.Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you aremy pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is,it's yours."His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, youbring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall getfor you."His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."His father bought him Disney Studios.Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you aremy life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will getit for you."His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, "Daddy, I would like aMickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit."His father bought him the Democratic Party and the CBS news.
The Way Children See Things!
NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents." KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.." DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayer s and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes." SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!" BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
********************************
On the road one day, a man and a woman smashed their cars together in a terrible car wreck. Both vehicles were totaled, but fortunately neither person was injured.
The woman said to the man, "Thank goodness we're both okay! We should celebrate. I have a bottle of wine in my car, so let's open it and toast the fact that we survived this wreck."
The man agreed and the woman opened the bottle of wine and handed it to him. He took a huge swallow and handed it back. The woman closed the bottled and set it down by his car. The man asked, "Aren't you going to take a drink?"
"No," the woman said. "I think I'll just wait for the cops to get here."
********************************
On the road one day, a man and a woman smashed their cars together in a terrible car wreck. Both vehicles were totaled, but fortunately neither person was injured.
The woman said to the man, "Thank goodness we're both okay! We should celebrate. I have a bottle of wine in my car, so let's open it and toast the fact that we survived this wreck."
The man agreed and the woman opened the bottle of wine and handed it to him. He took a huge swallow and handed it back. The woman closed the bottled and set it down by his car. The man asked, "Aren't you going to take a drink?"
"No," the woman said. "I think I'll just wait for the cops to get here."
********************************
Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about bears posted in campgrounds, visitors' centers and rest areas advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.
My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a bear, don't come in here!"
********************************
Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son afteryears of hoping.The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye.Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, "Son, Ilove you very much. Your birthday is coming soon.What would you like?"His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."His father bought him American Airlines.Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you aremy pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is,it's yours."His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, youbring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall getfor you."His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."His father bought him Disney Studios.Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you aremy life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will getit for you."His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, "Daddy, I would like aMickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit."His father bought him the Democratic Party and the CBS news.
Saturday, February 05, 2005
hUMOR For February 5th
********************************
Time To Go
The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks were well organized and always ended promptly in 20 minutes.
One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes. His wife managed a small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come to a close.
When they got home after the service, the wife asked him why he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long.
He answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button instead of a lozenge."
********************************
Thanks to LBS: Bush and Clinton
George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hilary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl XXXIX in Jacksonville. At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hilary buy just one ticket. "How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing.
"Watch and learn," answers Hilary. They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hilary cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip. When they get to the station they see the Clinton's at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clinton's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all. "Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hilary.
"Live and learn," answers Laura Bush.
When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and the Clinton's cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost the election...
********************************
Thanks to J&G B: Surprize!
At a girl's college, dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young
lady immediately.
"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."
"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman.
"But think of how I feel. I'm her mother."
********************************
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."
********************************
I remember the day when a police car pulled up to Grandma's house and Grandpa got out.
The officer explained that this elderly gentlemen said he was lost in the park.
"Why, Bill," said Grandma, "You've been going there for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to Grandma so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, "I wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
********************************
I'd heard that Australian football is a lot rougher than the American version, but never believed it until I witnessed a game first hand.
In the first half, I saw 3 broken arms, half a dozen sprains, and at least 4 broken noses - and that was just the cheerleaders.
********************************
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS (this was said to have actually been reported by the teacher) it is funny! After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night ------early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
********************************
Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.
Well, the chauffeur felt like he didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and Billy took the wheel. He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 75 MPH. WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror.
He pulled over and a trooper came to his window. When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in." The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?" The trooper said, "No, even more important." "It isn't the Governor Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief. "No, even more important," replied the trooper. "It isn't the President George Bush, is it?" "No," replied the trooper, "Even more important." "Well, WHO in the WORLD is it?!" screamed the chief.
The trooper responded, "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is Billy Graham!"
********************************
Predicting the Future
Amy: Can people predict the future with cards?
Joan: My mother can.
Amy: Really?
Joan: Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.
Time To Go
The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks were well organized and always ended promptly in 20 minutes.
One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes. His wife managed a small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come to a close.
When they got home after the service, the wife asked him why he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long.
He answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button instead of a lozenge."
********************************
Thanks to LBS: Bush and Clinton
George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hilary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl XXXIX in Jacksonville. At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hilary buy just one ticket. "How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing.
"Watch and learn," answers Hilary. They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hilary cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip. When they get to the station they see the Clinton's at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clinton's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all. "Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hilary.
"Live and learn," answers Laura Bush.
When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and the Clinton's cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost the election...
********************************
Thanks to J&G B: Surprize!
At a girl's college, dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young
lady immediately.
"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."
"Oh, she'll be surprised all right," said the woman.
"But think of how I feel. I'm her mother."
********************************
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."
********************************
I remember the day when a police car pulled up to Grandma's house and Grandpa got out.
The officer explained that this elderly gentlemen said he was lost in the park.
"Why, Bill," said Grandma, "You've been going there for over 30 years! How could you get lost?"
Leaning close to Grandma so the police officer couldn't hear, he whispered, "I wasn't exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home."
********************************
I'd heard that Australian football is a lot rougher than the American version, but never believed it until I witnessed a game first hand.
In the first half, I saw 3 broken arms, half a dozen sprains, and at least 4 broken noses - and that was just the cheerleaders.
********************************
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS (this was said to have actually been reported by the teacher) it is funny! After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night ------early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it potluck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
********************************
Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.
Well, the chauffeur felt like he didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and Billy took the wheel. He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 75 MPH. WHAM! The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror.
He pulled over and a trooper came to his window. When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in." The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?" The trooper said, "No, even more important." "It isn't the Governor Jeb Bush, is it?" asked the chief. "No, even more important," replied the trooper. "It isn't the President George Bush, is it?" "No," replied the trooper, "Even more important." "Well, WHO in the WORLD is it?!" screamed the chief.
The trooper responded, "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is Billy Graham!"
********************************
Predicting the Future
Amy: Can people predict the future with cards?
Joan: My mother can.
Amy: Really?
Joan: Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.
Friday, February 04, 2005
hUMOR For February 4th
********************************
Olympic Nurse
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete ... she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(here it comes!)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Picabo, ICU.
********************************
Thanks to LBS: Hillary stamp
The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:
The stamp was in perfect order. There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive. People were spitting on the wrong side.
******************************************************
Thanks to J&G B --Stars Can Tell One Much...
Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto awakens The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars.
"What that tell you Kemo Sabi?" asks Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, and eruditely says, "Tonto, my friend, astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dummy. Someone has stolen our tent."
********************************
After an hour of "Just a little more white, two squirts of blue, a dash of black, perhaps a tad more white," the paint store clerk got my gallon to the exact shade I wanted. With a sigh of relief, he pounded the lid on.
"Now what do I do if I need more paint?" I asked.
"Don't come back here," he begged.
********************************
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
Olympic Nurse
The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) is not just an athlete ... she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
(here it comes!)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Picabo, ICU.
********************************
Thanks to LBS: Hillary stamp
The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:
The stamp was in perfect order. There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive. People were spitting on the wrong side.
******************************************************
Thanks to J&G B --Stars Can Tell One Much...
Lone Ranger and Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto awakens The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars.
"What that tell you Kemo Sabi?" asks Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, and eruditely says, "Tonto, my friend, astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dummy. Someone has stolen our tent."
********************************
After an hour of "Just a little more white, two squirts of blue, a dash of black, perhaps a tad more white," the paint store clerk got my gallon to the exact shade I wanted. With a sigh of relief, he pounded the lid on.
"Now what do I do if I need more paint?" I asked.
"Don't come back here," he begged.
********************************
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
Thursday, February 03, 2005
hUMOR For February 3rd
********************************
Southernese
Yorta have a lookit thisun: Yankee's guide to "Southernese". If you do not understand any of them, contact a Southerner for an explanation.
FOAL: Not a baby horse. This is flexible aluminum for baking.
Usage: "I put the taters in foal, afore I baked um."
HEIDI:(noun) Greeting.
HIRE YEW:(complete sentence) Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD:(verb)Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH:(noun) The state north of Florida. Capital is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER:(noun) The state west of Jawjuh. Capital is Muntgumry.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer."
MUNTS:(noun)A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from
him in munts."
COLE DRANK: (adjective/noun) A chilled beverage, typically soda.
THANK:(verb) Cognitive process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a cole drank."
RANCH:(noun) A tool used for tightnin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I leff my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother
from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL:(noun) A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR:(noun) A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck,
that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR:(noun) A rubber wheel.
Usage: "I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my
pickup truck."
TIRE:(noun) A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, Ah sure hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Pars sometime."
RETARD:(verb) To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
********************************
Two years ago a man and woman had just won the lottery. He was at work when the lottery office phoned their home to inform them of the win. His wife was very worried because the man had just recovered from a heart attack and she wondered what would happen if he found out about it too abruptly.
So, she called the pastor and asked if he could talk to the man and slowly lead into telling him the news. He agreed and said he would be there as soon as possible.
When the man got home the pastor asked if they could go for a walk. While they were walking the pastor began by asking, "What would you do if you won the lottery?"
The man replied, "Why, I'd give it all to the church."
The pastor dropped dead on the spot.
********************************
- "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace
- "The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff
- "The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow
- "Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep
- "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty
- "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel
- "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent
- "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate
- "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
- "Mystery in the Barnyard" by Hu Flung Dung
- "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago
- "Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud
- "The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter
- "Things to Do at a Party" by Bob Frapples
- "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath
- "Raising Mosquitos" by I. Itch
- "Mountain Climbing" by Hugo First
********************************
Smith goes to see his supervisor. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss says. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith. "I knew I could count on you!"
Southernese
Yorta have a lookit thisun: Yankee's guide to "Southernese". If you do not understand any of them, contact a Southerner for an explanation.
FOAL: Not a baby horse. This is flexible aluminum for baking.
Usage: "I put the taters in foal, afore I baked um."
HEIDI:(noun) Greeting.
HIRE YEW:(complete sentence) Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD:(verb)Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH:(noun) The state north of Florida. Capital is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER:(noun) The state west of Jawjuh. Capital is Muntgumry.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer."
MUNTS:(noun)A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from
him in munts."
COLE DRANK: (adjective/noun) A chilled beverage, typically soda.
THANK:(verb) Cognitive process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a cole drank."
RANCH:(noun) A tool used for tightnin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I leff my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother
from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL:(noun) A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR:(noun) A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck,
that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR:(noun) A rubber wheel.
Usage: "I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my
pickup truck."
TIRE:(noun) A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, Ah sure hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Pars sometime."
RETARD:(verb) To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
********************************
Two years ago a man and woman had just won the lottery. He was at work when the lottery office phoned their home to inform them of the win. His wife was very worried because the man had just recovered from a heart attack and she wondered what would happen if he found out about it too abruptly.
So, she called the pastor and asked if he could talk to the man and slowly lead into telling him the news. He agreed and said he would be there as soon as possible.
When the man got home the pastor asked if they could go for a walk. While they were walking the pastor began by asking, "What would you do if you won the lottery?"
The man replied, "Why, I'd give it all to the church."
The pastor dropped dead on the spot.
********************************
- "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace
- "The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff
- "The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow
- "Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep
- "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty
- "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel
- "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent
- "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate
- "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
- "Mystery in the Barnyard" by Hu Flung Dung
- "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago
- "Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud
- "The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter
- "Things to Do at a Party" by Bob Frapples
- "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath
- "Raising Mosquitos" by I. Itch
- "Mountain Climbing" by Hugo First
********************************
Smith goes to see his supervisor. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss says. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith. "I knew I could count on you!"
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
hUMOR For February 2nd
********************************
Lengthy Sermon
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
********************************
Thanks to MAK: *** 30 YEARS DIFFERENCE ***
1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair
1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux
1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm
1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage
1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM
1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian
1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint
1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones
1973: Being called into the principal's office
2003: Calling the principal's office
1973: Screw the system
2003: Upgrade the system
1973: Disco
2003: Costco
1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test
1973: Whatever
2003: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering machine. They have always had cable. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", "de plane, Boss, de plane". They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.
********************************
One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff's house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?"
"No, this is 555-1112." Jeff replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you." The woman said.
"That's alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."
********************************
Newly assigned officers to a naval air station are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a lieutenant commander, kind of became an uncle to a family's only four-year-old daughter. One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday school. She said she had learned all about the ten commanders, and that they were always broke.
This same little girl was told to draw her conception of the Hebrews' flight from Egypt. She came home with a picture of an airplane, all the passengers with halos and one person up front without one. When asked about it, she explained, "Oh, that's Pontius, the pilot."
The Lord's Prayer has always been easy for kids to misinterpret, either through poor enunciators or from mumbling congregations. One little boy, always a classic joke, said, "Harold be Thy name." Two other lesser-known prayers, though, are a little girl saying, "Give us this day our jelly bread." Or the little New York boy who petitioned God to "Lead us not into Penn Station."
After hearing the Christmas story and singing "Silent Night," a Sunday school class in Sao Paulo was asked to draw what they thought the Nativity might have looked like.
One boy did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary, and the infant, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure. The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked Santa Claus into the scene, asked him who that was. She wasn't sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, "Oh, that's Round John Virgin."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after inspecting his license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.
"What's the charge? Mr. Schwarz demanded.
"None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after inspecting his license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.
"What's the charge? Mr. Schwarz demanded.
"None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."
********************************
The Joy of Boys
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas... Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke -- lots of it.
9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old
boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) The spin cycle on the washing machine will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with
without kid.
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical.
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
********************************
Thanks to Li Mo -- We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God.
If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up.
-- that's what rednecks are made of.
I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya`ll know who ya are...
You might be a redneck if. . .
It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God. . "
You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."
You bow your head when someone prays.
You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.
You've never burned an American flag.
You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
If you got this email from me it is because I believe that you, like me have just enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email. God Bless the USA.
******************************************************
Thanks to Li.Mo. for one of my wife's favorites...
Preacher...
The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"
Lengthy Sermon
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.
"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.
"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"
"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."
********************************
Thanks to MAK: *** 30 YEARS DIFFERENCE ***
1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair
1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux
1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm
1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage
1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM
1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian
1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint
1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones
1973: Being called into the principal's office
2003: Calling the principal's office
1973: Screw the system
2003: Upgrade the system
1973: Disco
2003: Costco
1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test
1973: Whatever
2003: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering machine. They have always had cable. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", "de plane, Boss, de plane". They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.
********************************
One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff's house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?"
"No, this is 555-1112." Jeff replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you." The woman said.
"That's alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."
********************************
Newly assigned officers to a naval air station are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a lieutenant commander, kind of became an uncle to a family's only four-year-old daughter. One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday school. She said she had learned all about the ten commanders, and that they were always broke.
This same little girl was told to draw her conception of the Hebrews' flight from Egypt. She came home with a picture of an airplane, all the passengers with halos and one person up front without one. When asked about it, she explained, "Oh, that's Pontius, the pilot."
The Lord's Prayer has always been easy for kids to misinterpret, either through poor enunciators or from mumbling congregations. One little boy, always a classic joke, said, "Harold be Thy name." Two other lesser-known prayers, though, are a little girl saying, "Give us this day our jelly bread." Or the little New York boy who petitioned God to "Lead us not into Penn Station."
After hearing the Christmas story and singing "Silent Night," a Sunday school class in Sao Paulo was asked to draw what they thought the Nativity might have looked like.
One boy did a good likeness of Joseph, Mary, and the infant, but off to the side was a roly-poly figure. The teacher, afraid that he had somehow worked Santa Claus into the scene, asked him who that was. She wasn't sure whether she was relieved or even more worried when the boy responded, "Oh, that's Round John Virgin."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after inspecting his license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.
"What's the charge? Mr. Schwarz demanded.
"None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
The state trooper pulled Mr. Schwarz over and, after inspecting his license and registration, informed the motorist that he was going to have to spend the night in jail.
"What's the charge? Mr. Schwarz demanded.
"None," replied the officer. "It's all part of the service."
********************************
The Joy of Boys
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas... Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke -- lots of it.
9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old
boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) The spin cycle on the washing machine will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
25.) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with
without kid.
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical.
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
********************************
Thanks to Li Mo -- We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God.
If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up.
-- that's what rednecks are made of.
I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya`ll know who ya are...
You might be a redneck if. . .
It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God. . "
You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."
You bow your head when someone prays.
You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.
You've never burned an American flag.
You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.
You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.
You'd give your last dollar to a friend.
If you got this email from me it is because I believe that you, like me have just enough Red Neck in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email. God Bless the USA.
******************************************************
Thanks to Li.Mo. for one of my wife's favorites...
Preacher...
The minister had just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday after the surgery, he only preached for 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday he preached for 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way: "The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures and I couldn't stop talking!"
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
hUMOR For February 1st
********************************
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 501. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 12. You no longer think of speed limit's as a challenge. 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walksinto the room. 14. You sing along with elevator music.15. Your eyes won't get much worse.16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 20. You can't remember who sent you this list. Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER1. Sag, You're it.2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.4. Kick the bucket.5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Doc Goose.7. Simon says something incoherent.8. Hide and go pee. 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta. 10. Musical recliners.
********************************
KERRY
As a veteran of World War Two,
My life has grown somewhat scary,
From what is bound to ensue,
If our next president is John Kerry.
He is weak of National defense!
His thoughts of how to handle our taxes
Just doesn't make any good sense.
He wants to chop us with new tax axes
He is soft on homosexuals marrying
And many other things if I had the time.
If elected, the load we'll be carrying
Will make our lives far from sublime.
He speaks from both sides of his mouth,
At the same time, which is difficult to do.
He's the north end of a donkey headed south, That's why I'm afraid of what might ensue.
Yes, if he should make the presidency
In this year of two thousand and four,
If, in the white house he takes up residency I'll be frightened about what lies in store.
(Just as I would have been with Gore.)
By L.B. Strawn
March 8, 2004
*********************************************
Thanks to CRJ: Pick Up Line
A very elderly gentleman, (mid-nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid-eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
"So tell me, do I come here often?"
*********************************************
Thanks to LBS: New 2005 California State Employee HandbookDer New 2005 California State Employee Handbook
By Arnold Schwarzenegger
SICK DAYS
Ve vill no longer accept a doktor's shtatement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doktor, you are able to come to verk.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee vill receive 104 personal days a year.
Dey are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that dey can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because dat's all der time needed to drink der Shlim Fast.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to verk dressed according to your salary. If ve see you vearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, ve assume you are doing vell financially and derefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so dat you may buy nicer clothes, and derefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-betveen, you are right vere you need to be and derefore you do not need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
Dis is no excuse for missing verk. Dere is notting you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-verkers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to da arranchments. In rare cases vere employee involvement is necessary, da funeral should be scheduled in da late afternoon. Ve vill be glad to allow you to vork troo your lunch hour and subsequently leave vone hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in da restroom.
Dere is now a shtricht 3-minute time limit in der shtalls. At der end of tree minutes, an alarm vill sound, der toilet paper roll vill retract, the shtall door vill open and a picture vill be taken. After your second offense, your picture vill be posted on der company bulletin board under da "Chronic Offenders"
category.
Tank you for your loyalty to our great shtate. Ve are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Tank you, DER GOVERNATER
********************************
SIGNS OF WEAR "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just aslong as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee
********************************
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some one has got my pen."***************Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do youthink is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simplyreplied, "No peer pressure."***************The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.******************
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.
********************************
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.I had amnesia once -- or twice.I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.What if there were no hypothetical questions?One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.How can there be self-help "groups"?Is there another word for synonym?Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?The speed of time is one-second per second.Is it possible to be totally partial?What's another word for thesaurus?Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
********************************
MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR.
EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I 'D LIKE TO RIDE IN
THAT HELICOPTER."
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, " I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER
RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
ONE YEAR LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR.
MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT
HELICOPTER NOW, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."
ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS, THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND $50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID, "FOLKS, I'LL MAKE
YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE
WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS."
MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED -- AND UP THEY WENT.
THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS.
BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD.
HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL
NOT A WORD.
WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS. HE SAID, "BY
GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T.
I'M IMPRESSED!"
MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN
ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 501. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 12. You no longer think of speed limit's as a challenge. 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walksinto the room. 14. You sing along with elevator music.15. Your eyes won't get much worse.16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 20. You can't remember who sent you this list. Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER1. Sag, You're it.2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.4. Kick the bucket.5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Doc Goose.7. Simon says something incoherent.8. Hide and go pee. 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta. 10. Musical recliners.
********************************
KERRY
As a veteran of World War Two,
My life has grown somewhat scary,
From what is bound to ensue,
If our next president is John Kerry.
He is weak of National defense!
His thoughts of how to handle our taxes
Just doesn't make any good sense.
He wants to chop us with new tax axes
He is soft on homosexuals marrying
And many other things if I had the time.
If elected, the load we'll be carrying
Will make our lives far from sublime.
He speaks from both sides of his mouth,
At the same time, which is difficult to do.
He's the north end of a donkey headed south, That's why I'm afraid of what might ensue.
Yes, if he should make the presidency
In this year of two thousand and four,
If, in the white house he takes up residency I'll be frightened about what lies in store.
(Just as I would have been with Gore.)
By L.B. Strawn
March 8, 2004
*********************************************
Thanks to CRJ: Pick Up Line
A very elderly gentleman, (mid-nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid-eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
"So tell me, do I come here often?"
*********************************************
Thanks to LBS: New 2005 California State Employee HandbookDer New 2005 California State Employee Handbook
By Arnold Schwarzenegger
SICK DAYS
Ve vill no longer accept a doktor's shtatement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doktor, you are able to come to verk.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee vill receive 104 personal days a year.
Dey are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that dey can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because dat's all der time needed to drink der Shlim Fast.
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to verk dressed according to your salary. If ve see you vearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, ve assume you are doing vell financially and derefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so dat you may buy nicer clothes, and derefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-betveen, you are right vere you need to be and derefore you do not need a raise.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
Dis is no excuse for missing verk. Dere is notting you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-verkers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to da arranchments. In rare cases vere employee involvement is necessary, da funeral should be scheduled in da late afternoon. Ve vill be glad to allow you to vork troo your lunch hour and subsequently leave vone hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in da restroom.
Dere is now a shtricht 3-minute time limit in der shtalls. At der end of tree minutes, an alarm vill sound, der toilet paper roll vill retract, the shtall door vill open and a picture vill be taken. After your second offense, your picture vill be posted on der company bulletin board under da "Chronic Offenders"
category.
Tank you for your loyalty to our great shtate. Ve are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Tank you, DER GOVERNATER
********************************
SIGNS OF WEAR "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just aslong as you don't have to go along. "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee
********************************
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some one has got my pen."***************Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do youthink is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simplyreplied, "No peer pressure."***************The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.******************
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.
********************************
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.I had amnesia once -- or twice.I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.What if there were no hypothetical questions?One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.How can there be self-help "groups"?Is there another word for synonym?Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?The speed of time is one-second per second.Is it possible to be totally partial?What's another word for thesaurus?Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
********************************
MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR.
EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I 'D LIKE TO RIDE IN
THAT HELICOPTER."
ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, " I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER
RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
ONE YEAR LATER, ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR.
MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT
HELICOPTER NOW, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."
ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS, THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND $50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID, "FOLKS, I'LL MAKE
YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE. IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD, I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE
WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS."
MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED -- AND UP THEY WENT.
THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS.
BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD.
HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL
NOT A WORD.
WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS. HE SAID, "BY
GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T.
I'M IMPRESSED!"
MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN
ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."
Monday, January 31, 2005
hUMOR For January 31st
********************************
It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
********************************
It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
********************************
Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these immigration / visitation cards to fill out.
After the standard questions, like name, nationality, passport number, etc., he got to a question that asked, "Have you ever been imprisoned?"
He pondered it for a minute, then wrote down, "I didn't realize this was still a requirement."
********************************
Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these immigration / visitation cards to fill out.
After the standard questions, like name, nationality, passport number, etc., he got to a question that asked, "Have you ever been imprisoned?"
He pondered it for a minute, then wrote down, "I didn't realize this was still a requirement."
********************************
A GORE LIMERICK
There is this guy named Al Gore,
Whose promises make me sore.
He promises the sky,
Fresh baked apple pie,
And more, and more and more.
In the past, in order to get our pay,
We had to work 'most ev'ry day.
Now, the Government promises to give
In order for most of us to live,
And I don't believe that's a good way.
By L. B. Strawn
********************************
******************************************************
Thanks to J&G B: Think hard about solving this one.
(It is not supposed to be funny...)
Ethical/Moral Question
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your small car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered, "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
********************************
YOU MIGHT BE FROM MINNESOTA IF:* you define Summer as three months of bad sledding...* your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar...* snow tires come standard on all your cars...* at least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm...* you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week...* you can identify a Duluth accent... it's pronounced; Doo-loot* you know what "cow-tipping" is.....* you learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike...* "Down South" to you means Iowa...* traveling coast to coast means going from Stillwater to Ortonville.* a brat is something you eat ...* you actually miss Rudy Perpich....* you have no problem spelling Minneapolis..* you got a passport to go to Wisconsin...* you used to think Deer Season was included as an official school holiday...* your radio dial is "locked" onto 'CCO.* You can actually pronounce and spell Mille Lacs...* you know what a bubbler is.....* the snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do...* your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue spruce...* you think there should be a "FBI go home" bumper sticker on every car north of Rochester...* a Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer...* you go out for fish fry on every Friday...* you go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home wearing shorts...* when you tell someone where you are from and they say: 'I thought that was part of Canada...* your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring and the 4th of July...* you know how to polka....* you think that Lutheran and Catholics ARE the major religions.....* formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap...* all your vacations are in-state, and "up nort".* you have to go to Florida to get a tan in August...* you define "swimming season" as "first week in August".* your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost...* you own an ice house, a snowmobile, and a pickup truck* your sports teams are "The Twinkies" and "The Queens"* you have more fishing poles than teeth...* you decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend...* you need a second garage to store your "stuff"* when you talk "opener", you're not talking about cans.* you've got a bass boat, a speed boat, a canoe, and a pontoon..* you take pride in the winter temps at International Falls* happiness is owning a "piece of lakeshore"* you don't mind state taxes because of the "quality of life"* your major sports events are the high-school hockey and basketball tournaments* you go "home" ( to the farm ) for Christmas, Thanksgiving, and harvest.* you carry jumper cables in your car.
It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
********************************
It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
********************************
Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these immigration / visitation cards to fill out.
After the standard questions, like name, nationality, passport number, etc., he got to a question that asked, "Have you ever been imprisoned?"
He pondered it for a minute, then wrote down, "I didn't realize this was still a requirement."
********************************
Some years ago an Englishman on a plane to Australia was handed one of these immigration / visitation cards to fill out.
After the standard questions, like name, nationality, passport number, etc., he got to a question that asked, "Have you ever been imprisoned?"
He pondered it for a minute, then wrote down, "I didn't realize this was still a requirement."
********************************
A GORE LIMERICK
There is this guy named Al Gore,
Whose promises make me sore.
He promises the sky,
Fresh baked apple pie,
And more, and more and more.
In the past, in order to get our pay,
We had to work 'most ev'ry day.
Now, the Government promises to give
In order for most of us to live,
And I don't believe that's a good way.
By L. B. Strawn
********************************
******************************************************
Thanks to J&G B: Think hard about solving this one.
(It is not supposed to be funny...)
Ethical/Moral Question
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your small car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered, "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
********************************
YOU MIGHT BE FROM MINNESOTA IF:* you define Summer as three months of bad sledding...* your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar...* snow tires come standard on all your cars...* at least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm...* you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week...* you can identify a Duluth accent... it's pronounced; Doo-loot* you know what "cow-tipping" is.....* you learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike...* "Down South" to you means Iowa...* traveling coast to coast means going from Stillwater to Ortonville.* a brat is something you eat ...* you actually miss Rudy Perpich....* you have no problem spelling Minneapolis..* you got a passport to go to Wisconsin...* you used to think Deer Season was included as an official school holiday...* your radio dial is "locked" onto 'CCO.* You can actually pronounce and spell Mille Lacs...* you know what a bubbler is.....* the snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do...* your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue spruce...* you think there should be a "FBI go home" bumper sticker on every car north of Rochester...* a Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer...* you go out for fish fry on every Friday...* you go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home wearing shorts...* when you tell someone where you are from and they say: 'I thought that was part of Canada...* your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring and the 4th of July...* you know how to polka....* you think that Lutheran and Catholics ARE the major religions.....* formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap...* all your vacations are in-state, and "up nort".* you have to go to Florida to get a tan in August...* you define "swimming season" as "first week in August".* your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost...* you own an ice house, a snowmobile, and a pickup truck* your sports teams are "The Twinkies" and "The Queens"* you have more fishing poles than teeth...* you decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend...* you need a second garage to store your "stuff"* when you talk "opener", you're not talking about cans.* you've got a bass boat, a speed boat, a canoe, and a pontoon..* you take pride in the winter temps at International Falls* happiness is owning a "piece of lakeshore"* you don't mind state taxes because of the "quality of life"* your major sports events are the high-school hockey and basketball tournaments* you go "home" ( to the farm ) for Christmas, Thanksgiving, and harvest.* you carry jumper cables in your car.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
hUMOR For January 30th
********************************
GOD saw you hungry & created McDonalds, Wendys, and Burger King. He saw you thirsty & created Coke, Juice, and Water.
GOD saw you in the dark & created Light GOD saw you without a Good looking, adorable, FRIEND......... so He created ME!!!
********************************
Lawyer In HeavenA mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked "THE BOOK" and didn't find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large bill of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldn't find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line."Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago?" God queried."Yes, I remember!" Said the devil."Well, Saint Peter missed that man's name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If they're on THE BOOK, then they stay UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS." God exclaimed!"I'll will not! You are not going to get that engineer back. He's put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS!" said the devil."Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book---UPSTAIRS and not in the book---DOWNSTAIRS!! If you don't send that engineer back right away I believe I'll have to sue you!!!" shouted God!!"And just where do you think you'll get an attorney?" replied the devil!!!!!
********************************
Thanks to CRJ: Why Athletes Don't Have Real Jobs
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role
model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
- New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
- And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
- Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Senior basketball player at the University of
Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
- Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at 6 o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
- Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
- Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former
player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
- Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
- Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye."
********************************
The husband had just finished reading the book, MAN OF THE HOUSE.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The funeral director."
GOD saw you hungry & created McDonalds, Wendys, and Burger King. He saw you thirsty & created Coke, Juice, and Water.
GOD saw you in the dark & created Light GOD saw you without a Good looking, adorable, FRIEND......... so He created ME!!!
********************************
Lawyer In HeavenA mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked "THE BOOK" and didn't find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large bill of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldn't find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line."Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago?" God queried."Yes, I remember!" Said the devil."Well, Saint Peter missed that man's name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If they're on THE BOOK, then they stay UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS." God exclaimed!"I'll will not! You are not going to get that engineer back. He's put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS!" said the devil."Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book---UPSTAIRS and not in the book---DOWNSTAIRS!! If you don't send that engineer back right away I believe I'll have to sue you!!!" shouted God!!"And just where do you think you'll get an attorney?" replied the devil!!!!!
********************************
Thanks to CRJ: Why Athletes Don't Have Real Jobs
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role
model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
- New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
- And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
- Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
- Senior basketball player at the University of
Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
- Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at 6 o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
- Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
- Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former
player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
- Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
- Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye."
********************************
The husband had just finished reading the book, MAN OF THE HOUSE.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The funeral director."
Saturday, January 29, 2005
hUMOR For January 29th
********************************
A BUSH LIMERICK
There is this guy named Bush,
Whose name gives a financial rush.
He's brought out his axes
To chop down our taxes;
Let's all call congress and give them a push.
By L.B. Strawn
March 6, 2001
********************************
Surgical Beauty
Irving was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" Sarah asked.
"I guess the drugs must be wearing off," he replied.
********************************
London - Panic gripped the streets of London this morning when patches of sky took on an unusual blue color and a ball of fire appeared above the city.
The phenomenon, known as 'The Sun' and commonly found in Mediterranean countries, unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness upon the capital, causing many pedestrians to take off their hats and scarves, while motoristswere able to turn both their headlights and wipers off. Tony Blair urged people to be calm and return to work as normal stating: "We've seen this sort of thing before", he said,"but it never lasts."
There are forecasts that 'The Sun' could be seen throughout the weekend but a spokesman for No.10 said, "I wouldn't hold my breath."
********************************
here was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.
They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and Johnny would always take the nickel (they said) because it was bigger.
One day after Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
With a big grin on his face, Johnny slowly turned toward the store owner. "Well," he answered, "If I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've saved $20!"
********************************
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.
********************************
Senior Citizen Speaks Out.....
A college student at a recent football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh...."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the old geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What are YOU doing for the next generation?"
(I love senior citizens!)
A BUSH LIMERICK
There is this guy named Bush,
Whose name gives a financial rush.
He's brought out his axes
To chop down our taxes;
Let's all call congress and give them a push.
By L.B. Strawn
March 6, 2001
********************************
Surgical Beauty
Irving was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" Sarah asked.
"I guess the drugs must be wearing off," he replied.
********************************
London - Panic gripped the streets of London this morning when patches of sky took on an unusual blue color and a ball of fire appeared above the city.
The phenomenon, known as 'The Sun' and commonly found in Mediterranean countries, unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness upon the capital, causing many pedestrians to take off their hats and scarves, while motoristswere able to turn both their headlights and wipers off. Tony Blair urged people to be calm and return to work as normal stating: "We've seen this sort of thing before", he said,"but it never lasts."
There are forecasts that 'The Sun' could be seen throughout the weekend but a spokesman for No.10 said, "I wouldn't hold my breath."
********************************
here was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.
They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and Johnny would always take the nickel (they said) because it was bigger.
One day after Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
With a big grin on his face, Johnny slowly turned toward the store owner. "Well," he answered, "If I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've saved $20!"
********************************
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.
********************************
Senior Citizen Speaks Out.....
A college student at a recent football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh...."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the old geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What are YOU doing for the next generation?"
(I love senior citizens!)
Friday, January 28, 2005
hUMOR For January 28th
********************************
WORDS CAN MEAN A LOT OF THINGS
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you we are but dust. . . "
He would have continued but at that moment a small girl (who was listening!) leaned over to her mother asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
******************************************************
Thanks to J&G B -- Blondes again...
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.
******************************************************
Thanks to J&GB: For ladies after all that Christmas food (ouch)!
I knew my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to start with an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, laid down, got up, gyrated, jumped up and down, pulled up, looked down, and perspired for an hour; But, by the time my leotard was finally on, the class was over.
********************************
Cell Phone Etiquette
Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant. A man at the next table told his cell-phone caller to hold on. Then he stepped outside to talk.
When he returned, I said, "That was very thoughtful."
"I had no choice," he nodded and said to me. "You were making too much noise."
********************************
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.
"Guess what Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me: "I've been chosen to clap and cheer."
********************************
A bus load of politicians was traveling down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
My wife asked me if I put the cat out.
I said I didn't know it was on fire.
********************************
A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife`s expecting."
"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."
The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting."
The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off.
"When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.
"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She`s still expecting." "What on earth is she expecting?" cried the Officer.
"Me." said the soldier simply.
WORDS CAN MEAN A LOT OF THINGS
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you we are but dust. . . "
He would have continued but at that moment a small girl (who was listening!) leaned over to her mother asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
******************************************************
Thanks to J&G B -- Blondes again...
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.
******************************************************
Thanks to J&GB: For ladies after all that Christmas food (ouch)!
I knew my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to start with an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, laid down, got up, gyrated, jumped up and down, pulled up, looked down, and perspired for an hour; But, by the time my leotard was finally on, the class was over.
********************************
Cell Phone Etiquette
Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant. A man at the next table told his cell-phone caller to hold on. Then he stepped outside to talk.
When he returned, I said, "That was very thoughtful."
"I had no choice," he nodded and said to me. "You were making too much noise."
********************************
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.
"Guess what Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me: "I've been chosen to clap and cheer."
********************************
A bus load of politicians was traveling down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
My wife asked me if I put the cat out.
I said I didn't know it was on fire.
********************************
A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife`s expecting."
"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."
The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting."
The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off.
"When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.
"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She`s still expecting." "What on earth is she expecting?" cried the Officer.
"Me." said the soldier simply.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
hUMOR For January 27th
********************************
Thanks to J & G B -- Be Thankful
A 92-year-old, petite, legally blind, well-poised and proud lady, was fully dressed this morning by eight o'clock. Her hair was fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied. She was moving to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, she was provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window.
I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old who had just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mrs.. Jones, you haven't seen the room yet, just wait!"
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.
It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up.
I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account: you withdraw from what you've put in.
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the Bank account of memories.
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
******************************************************
Thanks to MB: 24 Beautiful One-liners
1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.
2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.
3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period.
6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.
8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.
9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.
10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.
11. The church is prayer-conditioned.
12. When God ordains, He sustains.
13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.
18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.
19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
21. He who angers you controls you.
22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.
24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them.
********************************
Light Switch
My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall.
"Honey!" he called excitedly. "You've got to come here and see what I found."
I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.
********************************
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.COM' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Customer: I need a new power supply...
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...
********************************
A county traffic policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver for her name. She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan, visiting my daughter at Columbia."
The cop put away his summons book and pen and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
********************************
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
********************************
C H I P S ARE I N ! There are more churches in Las Vegas than Casinos. During Sunday services at the Offertory, some worshipers contribute CasinoChips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since there are somany Casinos, the Catholic churches send all the chips into the diocese forsorting. Once sorted for the respective casino the chips belong to, one junior priesttakes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.He is known as the Chip-Monk.
Thanks to J & G B -- Be Thankful
A 92-year-old, petite, legally blind, well-poised and proud lady, was fully dressed this morning by eight o'clock. Her hair was fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied. She was moving to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, she was provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window.
I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old who had just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mrs.. Jones, you haven't seen the room yet, just wait!"
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.
It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up.
I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account: you withdraw from what you've put in.
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the Bank account of memories.
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
******************************************************
Thanks to MB: 24 Beautiful One-liners
1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.
2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.
3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period.
6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.
8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.
9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.
10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.
11. The church is prayer-conditioned.
12. When God ordains, He sustains.
13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.
18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.
19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
21. He who angers you controls you.
22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.
24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them.
********************************
Light Switch
My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall.
"Honey!" he called excitedly. "You've got to come here and see what I found."
I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.
********************************
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.COM' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Customer: I need a new power supply...
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...
********************************
A county traffic policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver for her name. She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan, visiting my daughter at Columbia."
The cop put away his summons book and pen and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
********************************
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
********************************
C H I P S ARE I N ! There are more churches in Las Vegas than Casinos. During Sunday services at the Offertory, some worshipers contribute CasinoChips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since there are somany Casinos, the Catholic churches send all the chips into the diocese forsorting. Once sorted for the respective casino the chips belong to, one junior priesttakes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.He is known as the Chip-Monk.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
hUMOR For January 26th
********************************
A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services. The following Sabbath the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial.
The funeral would be held the following Sabbath afternoon, the notice said.Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look. In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
*The Songs For Bible Characters*
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
*The Songs For Bible Characters*
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
********************************
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff, Arizona (about 140 miles). He got as far as Black Canyon City (about 40 miles) before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be out done, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 MPH, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 MPH.
He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."
A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services. The following Sabbath the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial.
The funeral would be held the following Sabbath afternoon, the notice said.Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look. In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
*The Songs For Bible Characters*
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
*The Songs For Bible Characters*
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
********************************
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff, Arizona (about 140 miles). He got as far as Black Canyon City (about 40 miles) before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be out done, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 MPH, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 MPH.
He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
hUMOR For January 25th
********************************
While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine," I said.
"Oh, good," she continued. "Will you be vacating your parking space now?"
********************************
Billy Joe and Billy Ray went to the big city to get jobs.
They had been friends since they were kids, so they decided to apply at the same firm. They had finished filling out the applications and were waiting to see the owner. Billy Ray was called in first.
The owner was a stout man, with a weathered face and a scar above his right eye. He also had the distinguishing feature of having no ears, just two tiny holes in the sides of his head. The man ordered Billy Ray to sit down. He leaned across the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth. He growled at Billy Ray "This is a tough business.
You have to be on your toes, keen, observant. Look around the room and tell me what you notice!" Billy Ray looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar. He looked at the owner and said "You ain't got no ears!" The owner jumped out of his chair, grabbed Billy Ray by the neck and threw him out of his office.
Billy Joe saw Billy Ray come flying out the door and went over to help his friend up. "What happened?" Billy Joe told him, "What ever you do - don't talk about his ears!"
Just then, the intercom buzzed and the secretary told Billy Joe he could go in.
Once again the owner ordered Billy Joe to sit down. He leaned across the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth. He growled at Billy Joe "This is a tough business. You have to be on your toes, keen, observant.
Look around the room and tell me what you notice!" Billy Joe looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar. He looked at the owner and said "You wear contacts!"
The owner stood up in amazement. "That's awesome perception! How could you tell that from way over there?"
"It's obvious," said Billy Joe. "You can't wear glasses because you ain't got no ears!"
********************************
Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" Sarah asked.
"I guess the drugs must be wearing off," he replied.
********************************
ON A SERIOUS NOTE, THIS IS TOO GOOD NOT TO PASS ON
(We all know or knew someone like this!!)
One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his
books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd."
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes.
My heart went out to him.
So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives.
He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his face.
It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me,
so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to
private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books.
He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a
little football with my friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and
the more I
got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.
I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday! " He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.
When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on
Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked
great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high
school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous.
Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. "Thanks," he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends... I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them.
I am going to tell you a story." I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met.
He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.
"Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable."
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions.
With one small gesture you can change a person's life.
For better or for worse.
God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way.
Look for God in others.
"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
There is no beginning or end.. Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.
It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care.
********************************
New Car
Boudreaux decided to buy Marie a new car for her burtday.
They shopped and shopped. Finally, Marie, she done
fine one she like. But, before signing the papers,
Marie looked at dat car one mo' time.
Suddenly, she bristled and walked away, saying she
don't want dat car She wouldn't even talk 'bout it.
On the way home, Boudreaux, he say, "Marie, I taut
yew like dat car. What it is dat donechanged yo'
mind, mon cher?
" I don't want any car wit XL on it," Marie
answered. "It's bad enuff having dat on my underwear."
********************************
Mis-Step
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I mis-stepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I had torn my jeans ... but my main concern was, naturally, for my child.
My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
Monday, January 24, 2005
hUMOR For January 24th
********************************
Linda (a blonde) and Jill were chatting over coffee.
Said Linda, "I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream, or sugar, or both, I get a stabbing pain in one eye."
Linda took a sip of her coffee. "Oww!" she cried. "There it goes again!"
Said Jill, "Take the spoon out of the cup."
********************************
Thanks to MAK: Sometimes you must keep going.
Life punches you in the stomach.
It knocks your breath out and leaves you bowed and gasping.
You lose a job. . . you must keep going.
You find out you have a serious illness. . .you must keep going.
You have a headache. . . you must keep going.
Sometimes the things in life are not serious but they affect you nevertheless. . . you must keep going.
You have a big argument with your spouse.
Neither of you feels like talking and maybe not even looking at each other. . . you must keep going.
Your son rebels and you have a blowout with him. . .
you must keep going.
The bills seem to never end and the money seems to never start.
You must keep going.
There are times that make us just want to curl up, stick our heads in a hole, and make the world go away.
We can't, because we must keep going.
Life is full of those circumstances.
Many of you when you woke up this morning, for a variety of reasons, didn't feel like getting out of bed, but you had to.
You must keep going.
In times like those, and we all have them, remember the blessing.
The blessing is not in that we must keep going.
The blessing is that we can.
~A MountainWings Original~
******************************************************
Thanks to D & L S -- Hymns
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.
The preacher shouted out "Cross". Immediately the congregation started singing "The Old Rugged Cross".
The preacher hollered out "Grace". The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound".
The preacher said "Power". The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood".
The preacher said "Sex". The congregation fell in total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories".
Pass this along and make someone smile today.
GOTTA LOVE THE LITTLE OLD LADIES
Linda (a blonde) and Jill were chatting over coffee.
Said Linda, "I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream, or sugar, or both, I get a stabbing pain in one eye."
Linda took a sip of her coffee. "Oww!" she cried. "There it goes again!"
Said Jill, "Take the spoon out of the cup."
********************************
Thanks to MAK: Sometimes you must keep going.
Life punches you in the stomach.
It knocks your breath out and leaves you bowed and gasping.
You lose a job. . . you must keep going.
You find out you have a serious illness. . .you must keep going.
You have a headache. . . you must keep going.
Sometimes the things in life are not serious but they affect you nevertheless. . . you must keep going.
You have a big argument with your spouse.
Neither of you feels like talking and maybe not even looking at each other. . . you must keep going.
Your son rebels and you have a blowout with him. . .
you must keep going.
The bills seem to never end and the money seems to never start.
You must keep going.
There are times that make us just want to curl up, stick our heads in a hole, and make the world go away.
We can't, because we must keep going.
Life is full of those circumstances.
Many of you when you woke up this morning, for a variety of reasons, didn't feel like getting out of bed, but you had to.
You must keep going.
In times like those, and we all have them, remember the blessing.
The blessing is not in that we must keep going.
The blessing is that we can.
~A MountainWings Original~
******************************************************
Thanks to D & L S -- Hymns
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.
The preacher shouted out "Cross". Immediately the congregation started singing "The Old Rugged Cross".
The preacher hollered out "Grace". The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound".
The preacher said "Power". The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood".
The preacher said "Sex". The congregation fell in total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories".
Pass this along and make someone smile today.
GOTTA LOVE THE LITTLE OLD LADIES
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