********************************
A BUSH LIMERICK
There is this guy named Bush,
Whose name gives a financial rush.
He's brought out his axes
To chop down our taxes;
Let's all call congress and give them a push.
By L.B. Strawn
March 6, 2001
********************************
Surgical Beauty
Irving was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" Sarah asked.
"I guess the drugs must be wearing off," he replied.
********************************
London - Panic gripped the streets of London this morning when patches of sky took on an unusual blue color and a ball of fire appeared above the city.
The phenomenon, known as 'The Sun' and commonly found in Mediterranean countries, unleashed a terrifying heat and brightness upon the capital, causing many pedestrians to take off their hats and scarves, while motoristswere able to turn both their headlights and wipers off. Tony Blair urged people to be calm and return to work as normal stating: "We've seen this sort of thing before", he said,"but it never lasts."
There are forecasts that 'The Sun' could be seen throughout the weekend but a spokesman for No.10 said, "I wouldn't hold my breath."
********************************
here was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.
They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and Johnny would always take the nickel (they said) because it was bigger.
One day after Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
With a big grin on his face, Johnny slowly turned toward the store owner. "Well," he answered, "If I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've saved $20!"
********************************
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel.
********************************
Senior Citizen Speaks Out.....
A college student at a recent football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh...."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the old geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What are YOU doing for the next generation?"
(I love senior citizens!)
Saturday, January 29, 2005
Friday, January 28, 2005
hUMOR For January 28th
********************************
WORDS CAN MEAN A LOT OF THINGS
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you we are but dust. . . "
He would have continued but at that moment a small girl (who was listening!) leaned over to her mother asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
******************************************************
Thanks to J&G B -- Blondes again...
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.
******************************************************
Thanks to J&GB: For ladies after all that Christmas food (ouch)!
I knew my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to start with an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, laid down, got up, gyrated, jumped up and down, pulled up, looked down, and perspired for an hour; But, by the time my leotard was finally on, the class was over.
********************************
Cell Phone Etiquette
Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant. A man at the next table told his cell-phone caller to hold on. Then he stepped outside to talk.
When he returned, I said, "That was very thoughtful."
"I had no choice," he nodded and said to me. "You were making too much noise."
********************************
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.
"Guess what Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me: "I've been chosen to clap and cheer."
********************************
A bus load of politicians was traveling down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
My wife asked me if I put the cat out.
I said I didn't know it was on fire.
********************************
A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife`s expecting."
"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."
The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting."
The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off.
"When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.
"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She`s still expecting." "What on earth is she expecting?" cried the Officer.
"Me." said the soldier simply.
WORDS CAN MEAN A LOT OF THINGS
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. "Dear Lord," he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you we are but dust. . . "
He would have continued but at that moment a small girl (who was listening!) leaned over to her mother asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
******************************************************
Thanks to J&G B -- Blondes again...
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.
******************************************************
Thanks to J&GB: For ladies after all that Christmas food (ouch)!
I knew my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to start with an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, laid down, got up, gyrated, jumped up and down, pulled up, looked down, and perspired for an hour; But, by the time my leotard was finally on, the class was over.
********************************
Cell Phone Etiquette
Friends and I were chatting over dinner in a restaurant. A man at the next table told his cell-phone caller to hold on. Then he stepped outside to talk.
When he returned, I said, "That was very thoughtful."
"I had no choice," he nodded and said to me. "You were making too much noise."
********************************
Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement.
"Guess what Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me: "I've been chosen to clap and cheer."
********************************
A bus load of politicians was traveling down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
My wife asked me if I put the cat out.
I said I didn't know it was on fire.
********************************
A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife`s expecting."
"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."
The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting."
The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the weekend off.
"When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.
"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She`s still expecting." "What on earth is she expecting?" cried the Officer.
"Me." said the soldier simply.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
hUMOR For January 27th
********************************
Thanks to J & G B -- Be Thankful
A 92-year-old, petite, legally blind, well-poised and proud lady, was fully dressed this morning by eight o'clock. Her hair was fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied. She was moving to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, she was provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window.
I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old who had just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mrs.. Jones, you haven't seen the room yet, just wait!"
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.
It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up.
I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account: you withdraw from what you've put in.
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the Bank account of memories.
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
******************************************************
Thanks to MB: 24 Beautiful One-liners
1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.
2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.
3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period.
6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.
8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.
9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.
10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.
11. The church is prayer-conditioned.
12. When God ordains, He sustains.
13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.
18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.
19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
21. He who angers you controls you.
22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.
24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them.
********************************
Light Switch
My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall.
"Honey!" he called excitedly. "You've got to come here and see what I found."
I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.
********************************
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.COM' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Customer: I need a new power supply...
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...
********************************
A county traffic policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver for her name. She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan, visiting my daughter at Columbia."
The cop put away his summons book and pen and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
********************************
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
********************************
C H I P S ARE I N ! There are more churches in Las Vegas than Casinos. During Sunday services at the Offertory, some worshipers contribute CasinoChips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since there are somany Casinos, the Catholic churches send all the chips into the diocese forsorting. Once sorted for the respective casino the chips belong to, one junior priesttakes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.He is known as the Chip-Monk.
Thanks to J & G B -- Be Thankful
A 92-year-old, petite, legally blind, well-poised and proud lady, was fully dressed this morning by eight o'clock. Her hair was fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied. She was moving to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, she was provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window.
I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old who had just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mrs.. Jones, you haven't seen the room yet, just wait!"
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.
It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up.
I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.
Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account: you withdraw from what you've put in.
So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the Bank account of memories.
Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank. I am still depositing.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
******************************************************
Thanks to MB: 24 Beautiful One-liners
1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.
2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.
3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period.
6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.
8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.
9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.
10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.
11. The church is prayer-conditioned.
12. When God ordains, He sustains.
13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.
18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.
19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
21. He who angers you controls you.
22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.
24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them.
********************************
Light Switch
My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall.
"Honey!" he called excitedly. "You've got to come here and see what I found."
I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.
********************************
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.COM' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...
About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Customer: I need a new power supply...
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...
********************************
A county traffic policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver for her name. She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan, visiting my daughter at Columbia."
The cop put away his summons book and pen and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."
********************************
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
********************************
C H I P S ARE I N ! There are more churches in Las Vegas than Casinos. During Sunday services at the Offertory, some worshipers contribute CasinoChips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since there are somany Casinos, the Catholic churches send all the chips into the diocese forsorting. Once sorted for the respective casino the chips belong to, one junior priesttakes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.He is known as the Chip-Monk.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
hUMOR For January 26th
********************************
A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services. The following Sabbath the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial.
The funeral would be held the following Sabbath afternoon, the notice said.Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look. In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
*The Songs For Bible Characters*
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
*The Songs For Bible Characters*
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
********************************
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff, Arizona (about 140 miles). He got as far as Black Canyon City (about 40 miles) before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be out done, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 MPH, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 MPH.
He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."
A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services. The following Sabbath the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial.
The funeral would be held the following Sabbath afternoon, the notice said.Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look. In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
*The Songs For Bible Characters*
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
*The Songs For Bible Characters*
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
Peter: "I'm Sorry"
Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"
********************************
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff, Arizona (about 140 miles). He got as far as Black Canyon City (about 40 miles) before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be out done, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 MPH, blew through a speed trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 MPH.
He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
hUMOR For January 25th
********************************
While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine," I said.
"Oh, good," she continued. "Will you be vacating your parking space now?"
********************************
Billy Joe and Billy Ray went to the big city to get jobs.
They had been friends since they were kids, so they decided to apply at the same firm. They had finished filling out the applications and were waiting to see the owner. Billy Ray was called in first.
The owner was a stout man, with a weathered face and a scar above his right eye. He also had the distinguishing feature of having no ears, just two tiny holes in the sides of his head. The man ordered Billy Ray to sit down. He leaned across the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth. He growled at Billy Ray "This is a tough business.
You have to be on your toes, keen, observant. Look around the room and tell me what you notice!" Billy Ray looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar. He looked at the owner and said "You ain't got no ears!" The owner jumped out of his chair, grabbed Billy Ray by the neck and threw him out of his office.
Billy Joe saw Billy Ray come flying out the door and went over to help his friend up. "What happened?" Billy Joe told him, "What ever you do - don't talk about his ears!"
Just then, the intercom buzzed and the secretary told Billy Joe he could go in.
Once again the owner ordered Billy Joe to sit down. He leaned across the desk and moved his cigar to the corner of his mouth. He growled at Billy Joe "This is a tough business. You have to be on your toes, keen, observant.
Look around the room and tell me what you notice!" Billy Joe looked at the polished glass, chrome furniture, and large bar. He looked at the owner and said "You wear contacts!"
The owner stood up in amazement. "That's awesome perception! How could you tell that from way over there?"
"It's obvious," said Billy Joe. "You can't wear glasses because you ain't got no ears!"
********************************
Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" Sarah asked.
"I guess the drugs must be wearing off," he replied.
********************************
ON A SERIOUS NOTE, THIS IS TOO GOOD NOT TO PASS ON
(We all know or knew someone like this!!)
One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his
books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd."
I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt. His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him. He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes.
My heart went out to him.
So, I jogged over to him and as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye. As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really should get lives.
He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!" There was a big smile on his face.
It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me,
so I asked him why I had never seen him before. He said he had gone to
private school before now. I would have never hung out with a private school kid before. We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books.
He turned out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked him if he wanted to play a
little football with my friends. He said yes. We hung out all weekend and
the more I
got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.
I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with this pile of books everyday! " He just laughed and handed me half the books.
Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.
When we were seniors, we began to think about college. Kyle decided on
Kyle was valedictorian of our class. I teased him all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation. I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak. Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked
great. He was one of those guys that really found himself during high
school. He filled out and actually looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous.
Today was one of those days. I could see that he was nervous about his speech. So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!" He looked at me with one of those looks (the really grateful one) and smiled. "Thanks," he said.
As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began "Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years. Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach...but mostly your friends... I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them.
I am going to tell you a story." I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met.
He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home. He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.
"Thankfully, I was saved. My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable."
I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his weakest moment. I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile. Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions.
With one small gesture you can change a person's life.
For better or for worse.
God puts us all in each other's lives to impact one another in some way.
Look for God in others.
"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."
There is no beginning or end.. Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.
It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care.
********************************
New Car
Boudreaux decided to buy Marie a new car for her burtday.
They shopped and shopped. Finally, Marie, she done
fine one she like. But, before signing the papers,
Marie looked at dat car one mo' time.
Suddenly, she bristled and walked away, saying she
don't want dat car She wouldn't even talk 'bout it.
On the way home, Boudreaux, he say, "Marie, I taut
yew like dat car. What it is dat donechanged yo'
mind, mon cher?
" I don't want any car wit XL on it," Marie
answered. "It's bad enuff having dat on my underwear."
********************************
Mis-Step
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old. I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I mis-stepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I had torn my jeans ... but my main concern was, naturally, for my child.
My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, "Again!"
Monday, January 24, 2005
hUMOR For January 24th
********************************
Linda (a blonde) and Jill were chatting over coffee.
Said Linda, "I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream, or sugar, or both, I get a stabbing pain in one eye."
Linda took a sip of her coffee. "Oww!" she cried. "There it goes again!"
Said Jill, "Take the spoon out of the cup."
********************************
Thanks to MAK: Sometimes you must keep going.
Life punches you in the stomach.
It knocks your breath out and leaves you bowed and gasping.
You lose a job. . . you must keep going.
You find out you have a serious illness. . .you must keep going.
You have a headache. . . you must keep going.
Sometimes the things in life are not serious but they affect you nevertheless. . . you must keep going.
You have a big argument with your spouse.
Neither of you feels like talking and maybe not even looking at each other. . . you must keep going.
Your son rebels and you have a blowout with him. . .
you must keep going.
The bills seem to never end and the money seems to never start.
You must keep going.
There are times that make us just want to curl up, stick our heads in a hole, and make the world go away.
We can't, because we must keep going.
Life is full of those circumstances.
Many of you when you woke up this morning, for a variety of reasons, didn't feel like getting out of bed, but you had to.
You must keep going.
In times like those, and we all have them, remember the blessing.
The blessing is not in that we must keep going.
The blessing is that we can.
~A MountainWings Original~
******************************************************
Thanks to D & L S -- Hymns
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.
The preacher shouted out "Cross". Immediately the congregation started singing "The Old Rugged Cross".
The preacher hollered out "Grace". The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound".
The preacher said "Power". The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood".
The preacher said "Sex". The congregation fell in total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories".
Pass this along and make someone smile today.
GOTTA LOVE THE LITTLE OLD LADIES
Linda (a blonde) and Jill were chatting over coffee.
Said Linda, "I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream, or sugar, or both, I get a stabbing pain in one eye."
Linda took a sip of her coffee. "Oww!" she cried. "There it goes again!"
Said Jill, "Take the spoon out of the cup."
********************************
Thanks to MAK: Sometimes you must keep going.
Life punches you in the stomach.
It knocks your breath out and leaves you bowed and gasping.
You lose a job. . . you must keep going.
You find out you have a serious illness. . .you must keep going.
You have a headache. . . you must keep going.
Sometimes the things in life are not serious but they affect you nevertheless. . . you must keep going.
You have a big argument with your spouse.
Neither of you feels like talking and maybe not even looking at each other. . . you must keep going.
Your son rebels and you have a blowout with him. . .
you must keep going.
The bills seem to never end and the money seems to never start.
You must keep going.
There are times that make us just want to curl up, stick our heads in a hole, and make the world go away.
We can't, because we must keep going.
Life is full of those circumstances.
Many of you when you woke up this morning, for a variety of reasons, didn't feel like getting out of bed, but you had to.
You must keep going.
In times like those, and we all have them, remember the blessing.
The blessing is not in that we must keep going.
The blessing is that we can.
~A MountainWings Original~
******************************************************
Thanks to D & L S -- Hymns
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.
The preacher shouted out "Cross". Immediately the congregation started singing "The Old Rugged Cross".
The preacher hollered out "Grace". The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound".
The preacher said "Power". The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood".
The preacher said "Sex". The congregation fell in total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories".
Pass this along and make someone smile today.
GOTTA LOVE THE LITTLE OLD LADIES
Sunday, January 23, 2005
hUMOR For January 23rd
********************************
Truman
Harry Truman, when he was U.S President, once addressed the Washington Garden Club and kept referring to 'good manure' that must be used on flowers.
Some society ladies complained (later) to the First Lady Margaret Truman, "Bess, can't you get the President to say fertilizer instead of manure?" The First Lady replied, "Heavens, it took me 25 years to get him to say 'manure'."
********************************
ANSWERS FROM YESTERDAY:
1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch.
Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.
2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who
had a steam iron?
3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and
expand, popping the bottle top.
4. a) Blackjack Gum.
5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by
drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet
colored water.
8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which
you wore on a shoestring around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
11. c) Polio. At the beginning of August,
swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.
12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
13. c) Macaroni.
14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your
head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was
another puppet.
16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a
high.
17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be
traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
19. a) The widely famous 50's group: The
Inkspots.
20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good
today..
----------------
SCORING
17 - 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and
obviously gifted with mental abilities. Now if you
could only find your glasses. Definitely someone who
should share their wisdom!
12 - 16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind
is getting keen.
0 - 11 correct: You are not old enough to share the
wisdom of your experiences.
********************************
Thanks to J & G B -- Another one to offend just about everyone... :)
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to
$17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine. Ohio STILL are counting the presidential vote for W...
Truman
Harry Truman, when he was U.S President, once addressed the Washington Garden Club and kept referring to 'good manure' that must be used on flowers.
Some society ladies complained (later) to the First Lady Margaret Truman, "Bess, can't you get the President to say fertilizer instead of manure?" The First Lady replied, "Heavens, it took me 25 years to get him to say 'manure'."
********************************
ANSWERS FROM YESTERDAY:
1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch.
Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.
2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who
had a steam iron?
3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and
expand, popping the bottle top.
4. a) Blackjack Gum.
5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by
drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.
6. a) 1946 Studebaker.
7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet
colored water.
8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.
9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which
you wore on a shoestring around your neck.
10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.
11. c) Polio. At the beginning of August,
swimming pools were closed, movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to prevent spread of the disease.
12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!
13. c) Macaroni.
14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your
head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was
another puppet.
16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a
high.
17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be
traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.
18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.
19. a) The widely famous 50's group: The
Inkspots.
20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good
today..
----------------
SCORING
17 - 20 correct: You are older than dirt, and
obviously gifted with mental abilities. Now if you
could only find your glasses. Definitely someone who
should share their wisdom!
12 - 16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind
is getting keen.
0 - 11 correct: You are not old enough to share the
wisdom of your experiences.
********************************
Thanks to J & G B -- Another one to offend just about everyone... :)
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to
$17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine. Ohio STILL are counting the presidential vote for W...
Saturday, January 22, 2005
hUMOR For January 22nd
********************************
New Slogans for Federal Agencies
The National Institute on Aging ..."Celebrating our 39th Year!"
The Department of the Interior ..."Oddly, All Our Stuff is Outdoors!"
The Internal Revenue Service ..."What's in YOUR wallet?!"
The Central Intelligence Agency ..."The White Swans Fly North for the Potatoes"
The U.S. Postal Service ..."When it Absolutely, Positively, Has to Be There in a Week or So"
********************************
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
********************************
A Florida officer pulls over an eighty-year-old teacher because her hand signals were confusing.
"First you put your hand up, like you're turning right, then you waved your hand up and down, then you turned left," said the officer.
"I decided not to turn right," she explains.
"Then why the up and down?" asks the officer.
"Officer," she sniffs, "I was erasing!"
********************************
Broken Engagement
Dear Marty,
I have been unable to sleep since I halted your engagement to my daughter.
Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.
I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law.
P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery!
********************************
Thanks to MB: History Exam...
Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time at this exam. If you are under 40 you can claim a handicap. This is a History Exam for those who don't mind seeing how much they really remember about what
went on in their life. Get paper and pencil and
number from 1 to 20. Write the letter of each answer
and score at the end. Then, best of all, before you pass this test on, put your score in the subject line!
1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would! freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.
4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps
5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during WW II?
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside 8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust 9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio
12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajewea
c. Princess Moonshadow
16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid their failure 17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos 18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition
19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Xavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin
It's a dirty trick, I know, but the answers will come (Lord willing) tomorrow.
New Slogans for Federal Agencies
The National Institute on Aging ..."Celebrating our 39th Year!"
The Department of the Interior ..."Oddly, All Our Stuff is Outdoors!"
The Internal Revenue Service ..."What's in YOUR wallet?!"
The Central Intelligence Agency ..."The White Swans Fly North for the Potatoes"
The U.S. Postal Service ..."When it Absolutely, Positively, Has to Be There in a Week or So"
********************************
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.
The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"
The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
********************************
A Florida officer pulls over an eighty-year-old teacher because her hand signals were confusing.
"First you put your hand up, like you're turning right, then you waved your hand up and down, then you turned left," said the officer.
"I decided not to turn right," she explains.
"Then why the up and down?" asks the officer.
"Officer," she sniffs, "I was erasing!"
********************************
Broken Engagement
Dear Marty,
I have been unable to sleep since I halted your engagement to my daughter.
Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.
I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law.
P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery!
********************************
Thanks to MB: History Exam...
Everyone over 40 should have a pretty easy time at this exam. If you are under 40 you can claim a handicap. This is a History Exam for those who don't mind seeing how much they really remember about what
went on in their life. Get paper and pencil and
number from 1 to 20. Write the letter of each answer
and score at the end. Then, best of all, before you pass this test on, put your score in the subject line!
1. In the 1940s, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would! freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.
4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps
5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing stockings when none were available due to rationing during WW II?
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside 8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust 9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo
11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio
12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajewea
c. Princess Moonshadow
16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid their failure 17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos 18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition
19. What was the name of the singing group that made the song "Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Xavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin
It's a dirty trick, I know, but the answers will come (Lord willing) tomorrow.
Friday, January 21, 2005
hUMOR For January 21st
********************************
Our three year-old Granddaughter, Audrey, had just been through an episode
of potty training by her Mom, who expressed concerns about her slow
progress.
Audrey, somewhat tired of the process, turned to her Mother and asked:
"Can't we forget the potty training and just be friends?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
At the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four. The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one and was making another. Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen.
"Here you are," he announced. "It's the missing link!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
At the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four. The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one and was making another. Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen.
"Here you are," he announced. "It's the missing link!"
********************************
A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila."
"T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught.
"I just can't find it," she said. "What book are you looking for, honey?" the librarian asked.
Replied the little girl, "Tequila Mockingbird."
********************************
Ms Fix-It
My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home- repair project.
For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.
Dianne suggested, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?"
********************************
Thanks to CT for a Good One...
Gladys Dunn was new in town and decided to visit the church nearest to her new apartment. She appreciated the pretty sanctuary and the music by the choir, but the sermon went on and on. Worse, it wasn't very interesting. Glancing around, she saw many in the congregation nodding off.
Finally it was over. After the service, she turned to a still sleepy-looking gentleman next to her, extended her hand and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn."
He replied, "You and me both!"
******************************************************
Thanks to MAK: I'm On The Floor Again!!
I'm sure you know about the song,
Having to get on the road again,
And because my son drives semi,
I could make this about him.
However friends, I'm here to sing
A different version to that song,
It's called "I'm On the Floor Again",
And I don't think that's where I belong.
My goodness, the things I find,
When I'm sprawled out on the floor.
Why, there's that pill I dropped,
Oh no, someone's at the door!!
Oh, I stumble when I walk around,
You'd think I was drunk as can be,
But no, not a drop did I drink,
For I have Parkinson's, you see.
I have humor as my sidekick,
And a will as strong as steel,
The Lord right here to guide me,
So I'm the best that I can feel.
Don't you dare feel sorry for me,
I am blessed with loving friends,
They help me up when I am down,
Except--when I Am On The Floor Again!!!
Thursday, January 20, 2005
hUMOR For January 20th
********************************
Square One
User tells tech support employee that she needs a CD.
Tech asks, "A blank CD or a prerecorded one for testing?"
"Blank," she says.
"CD-R or CD-RW?" asks the tech, who then has to explain the difference.
After deciding that a CD-R was needed, the tech gets one out of the supply cabinet.
She stops him and says, "That's not the kind of CD I need. I need a square CD."
Tech gives her diskette and she goes away happy.
********************************
A soldier, a marine, and an airman got into a fight about which service is best. The fight was so heated, that they killed each other. Soon, they found themselves in Heaven.
They see St. Peter walk by and ask, "Which Branch of Service is the best?" St. Peter replied, "I can't answer that. But, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him." Some time later, the three see St. Peter again and ask him if he was able to find the answer.
Suddenly, a dove landed on St. Peter's shoulder. The dove was carrying a note in its beak. St. Peter opened the note and read it out loud to the three fellows:
"Gentlemen: All the Branches of the Service are Honorable and Noble." Each one of you has served your country well. Be proud of that."
(signed) GOD, USN (Ret.)
********************************
Three buddies die in a car crash. They go to heaven to the new arrival orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you're death, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...
LOOK, HE'S MOVING!"
********************************
JT was sitting on the airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails
and moaning in fear.
"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" JT asked
"Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered,
there's crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, race
riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."
"Hold on," JT interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and it
is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your
own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as
anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say
it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said JT, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Oakland."
********************************
Sports Fanatic
My son is a sports fanatic and he has well-worn T-shirts, caps, and sweatshirts from every local team. One night, we were getting ready for an annual fund-raiser for our local theater organization.
My wife called out to my son, "This is a pretty fancy dinner. You'll have to wear a sports jacket."
My son answered, "Which team?"
********************************
Too cute.
Sunday Morning
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at
the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered
with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of
it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for a long time,
so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said
quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the
plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in
the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little
Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked,
"Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
Square One
User tells tech support employee that she needs a CD.
Tech asks, "A blank CD or a prerecorded one for testing?"
"Blank," she says.
"CD-R or CD-RW?" asks the tech, who then has to explain the difference.
After deciding that a CD-R was needed, the tech gets one out of the supply cabinet.
She stops him and says, "That's not the kind of CD I need. I need a square CD."
Tech gives her diskette and she goes away happy.
********************************
A soldier, a marine, and an airman got into a fight about which service is best. The fight was so heated, that they killed each other. Soon, they found themselves in Heaven.
They see St. Peter walk by and ask, "Which Branch of Service is the best?" St. Peter replied, "I can't answer that. But, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him." Some time later, the three see St. Peter again and ask him if he was able to find the answer.
Suddenly, a dove landed on St. Peter's shoulder. The dove was carrying a note in its beak. St. Peter opened the note and read it out loud to the three fellows:
"Gentlemen: All the Branches of the Service are Honorable and Noble." Each one of you has served your country well. Be proud of that."
(signed) GOD, USN (Ret.)
********************************
Three buddies die in a car crash. They go to heaven to the new arrival orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you're death, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...
LOOK, HE'S MOVING!"
********************************
JT was sitting on the airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails
and moaning in fear.
"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" JT asked
"Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy answered,
there's crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, race
riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."
"Hold on," JT interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life, and it
is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your
own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as
anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said,
"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say
it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?" said JT, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Oakland."
********************************
Sports Fanatic
My son is a sports fanatic and he has well-worn T-shirts, caps, and sweatshirts from every local team. One night, we were getting ready for an annual fund-raiser for our local theater organization.
My wife called out to my son, "This is a pretty fancy dinner. You'll have to wear a sports jacket."
My son answered, "Which team?"
********************************
Too cute.
Sunday Morning
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at
the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered
with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of
it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for a long time,
so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said
quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the
plaque. "Pastor, what is this?"
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in
the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little
Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked,
"Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
hUMOR For January 19th
********************************
A middle-aged man wasn't feeling well, so he went to the doctor for a check up.
After a thorough examination, the doctor said, "Well, based on my examination, the best thing for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking."
The man said, "Well, to be honest with you Doc, I don't deserve the best. What's the second best?"
********************************
There is a story of identical twins. One was a hope-filled optimist. "Everything is coming up roses!" he would say.
The other twin was a sad and hopeless pessimist. He thought that Murphy, as in Murphy's Law, was an optimist. The worried parents of the boys brought them to the local psychologist.
He suggested to the parents a plan to balance the twins'
personalities. "On their next birthday, put them in separate rooms to open their gifts. Give the pessimist the best toys you can afford, and give the optimist a box of manure." The parents followed these instructions and carefully observed the results.
When they peeked in on the pessimist, they heard him audibly complaining, "I don't like the color of this computer . . I'll bet this calculator will break . . . I don't like the game . . . I know someone who's got a bigger toy car than this . . ."
Tiptoeing across the corridor, the parents peeked in and saw their little optimist gleefully throwing the manure up in the air. He was giggling. "You can't fool me! Where there's this much manure, there's gotta be a pony!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
********************************
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
********************************
I Love Being a Southerner
|
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them. _____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess." _____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder." _____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going to town, be back directly." _____
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table _____
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well. _____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin! _____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20. _____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash. _____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn. _____
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb. _____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody! _____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage. _____
Southerners never refer to one person as "ya'll." _____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them. _____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food. _____
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner! _____
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk. _____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way. _____
To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart! _____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language! _____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads "I aint from the South but I got here as fast as I could." _____
Bless your hearts, ya'll have a blessed day. |
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
hUMOR For January 18th
********************************
A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of gigantic steaks.
To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.
"Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends invited, you serve small miniature steaks! What is the meaning of this?"
"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."
********************************
There is a story of identical twins. One was a hope-filled optimist. "Everything is coming up roses!" he would say.
The other twin was a sad and hopeless pessimist. He thought that Murphy, as in Murphy's Law, was an optimist. The worried parents of the boys brought them to the local psychologist.
He suggested to the parents a plan to balance the twins'
personalities. "On their next birthday, put them in separate rooms to open their gifts. Give the pessimist the best toys you can afford, and give the optimist a box of manure." The parents followed these instructions and carefully observed the results.
When they peeked in on the pessimist, they heard him audibly complaining, "I don't like the color of this computer . . I'll bet this calculator will break . . . I don't like the game . . . I know someone who's got a bigger toy car than this . . ."
Tiptoeing across the corridor, the parents peeked in and saw their little optimist gleefully throwing the manure up in the air. He was giggling. "You can't fool me! Where there's this much manure, there's gotta be a pony!"
********************************
Moving Labels
Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, we appreciate movers who take the time to label carefully boxes they pack for us.
The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we try to find something right away.
My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to a box - obviously not knowing how to spell the best one word description: "Animals you hit with a stick at a Mexican party."
Monday, January 17, 2005
hUMOR For January 17th
********************************
As he was driving home from work, a man in a rural community was stopped by a local police officer. The motorist was given a ticket for failing to come to a full stop at a stop sign.
"Don't I get a warning?" he protested.
The officer replied, "Sure. If you don't come to a complete stop next time, you'll get another ticket."
********************************
A male crab met a female crab at a party and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. Wow, she thought, this crab is really special. I can't let him get away. So they got married immediately.
The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. "What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight before we were married."
"Oh, honey," he replied, "I can't drink that much every day."
As he was driving home from work, a man in a rural community was stopped by a local police officer. The motorist was given a ticket for failing to come to a full stop at a stop sign.
"Don't I get a warning?" he protested.
The officer replied, "Sure. If you don't come to a complete stop next time, you'll get another ticket."
********************************
A male crab met a female crab at a party and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. Wow, she thought, this crab is really special. I can't let him get away. So they got married immediately.
The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. "What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight before we were married."
"Oh, honey," he replied, "I can't drink that much every day."
Sunday, January 16, 2005
hUMOR For January 16th
********************************
Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating. A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day:
"What are you looking for in that closet?" she asked.
"Nothing," he answered.
"Well, it's not in there. Look under the bed."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
********************************
By The Book
As chaplain in a university residence hall, I am supposed to uphold all of the school rules, which include a ban on pets. That changed when a kitten adopted me.
The freshmen in my dorm kept my secret. They covered for me by calling my kitten "the Book," since I had so many in my room.
One morning I was leaving the dorm with the kitten in a carrier. A student stopped me and asked, "Where are you taking the Book?"
I explained that I was taking the kitten to the vet. "She's getting neutered today," I told him.
"Hmmm," the student responded, "no sequels."
********************************
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
Saturday, January 15, 2005
hUMOR For January 15th
********************************
A joy of which I'll not partake
Is eating children's birthday cake.
To "blow out" candles, in a word,
Is really patently absurd:
Each puff contains sufficient moisture
To propagate your av'rage oyster.
So, Birthday-Boy and ditto-Daughter,
Withhold from me your whiff of water.
I do not need some little squirt
To atomize on my dessert.
Among the things I will not do
Is have my cake and drink it, too.
********************************
A joy of which I'll not partake
Is eating children's birthday cake.
To "blow out" candles, in a word,
Is really patently absurd:
Each puff contains sufficient moisture
To propagate your av'rage oyster.
So, Birthday-Boy and ditto-Daughter,
Withhold from me your whiff of water.
I do not need some little squirt
To atomize on my dessert.
Among the things I will not do
Is have my cake and drink it, too.
********************************
The rich industrialist from the North was horrified to find the southern fisherman lying lazily beside his boat, smoking a pipe.
"Why aren't you out fishing?" said the industrialist.
"Because I have caught enough fish for the day," said the fisherman.
"Why don't you catch some more?"
"What would I do with them?"
"You could earn more money," was the industrialist's reply.
"With that you could have a motor fixed to your boat and go into deeper waters and catch more fish. Then you would make enough to buy nylon nets. These would bring you more fish and more money. Soon you would have enough money to own two boats . . . maybe even a fleet of boats. Then you would be a rich man like me."
"What would I do then?" asked the fisherman.
"Then you could really enjoy life."
"What do you think I am doing right now?"
Friday, January 14, 2005
hUMOR For January 14th
********************************
"Lord, give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money."
********************************
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that!
Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the "picture," but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly WITCH he's runnin' around with!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur."
The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary.
"Could you please spell that?" she asked.
"You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."
********************************
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.
The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."
While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me.
"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
********************************
Pandemonium Strikes Again
When the ice-maker on our refrigerator broke, my husband dropped by the local hardware to find the part. Because the sun was so bright that day and the interior of the store was dark, his eyes hadn't quite adjusted when he walked in. He accidentally stepped on the foot of a woman examining some samples. She screamed, causing my husband to jump sideways into a display of fireplace tools that went crashing in every direction. Unnerved, he stumbled over to the service desk, and as he put his hands on the counter, he flipped over a bowl of marbles, scattering them everywhere.
After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he announced to the wide-eyed woman working there, "My refrigerator doesn't work."
She replied, simply, "I don't doubt it."
"Lord, give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money."
********************************
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that!
Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the "picture," but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly WITCH he's runnin' around with!"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur."
The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary.
"Could you please spell that?" she asked.
"You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."
********************************
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.
The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."
While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me.
"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
********************************
Pandemonium Strikes Again
When the ice-maker on our refrigerator broke, my husband dropped by the local hardware to find the part. Because the sun was so bright that day and the interior of the store was dark, his eyes hadn't quite adjusted when he walked in. He accidentally stepped on the foot of a woman examining some samples. She screamed, causing my husband to jump sideways into a display of fireplace tools that went crashing in every direction. Unnerved, he stumbled over to the service desk, and as he put his hands on the counter, he flipped over a bowl of marbles, scattering them everywhere.
After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he announced to the wide-eyed woman working there, "My refrigerator doesn't work."
She replied, simply, "I don't doubt it."
Thursday, January 13, 2005
hUMOR For January 13th
********************************
Childbirth
After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife.
It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more minutes."
"Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly.
The doctor replied, "I don't know. It's hard to tell by the ears."
********************************
After my 11 year old son did something really dumb, I called him a "moron." He looked at he like he was saying, "Dad, do you know anything?"
He finally said "Dad I looked 'moron' up in the dictionary and the definition of it is 'a person who has the intelligence of a 12 year old.' Thanks Dad, you just gave me a compliment!"
********************************
Gladys Dunn was new in town and decided to visit the church nearest to her new apartment.
She appreciated the pretty sanctuary and the music by the choir, but the sermon went on and on. Worse, it wasn't very interesting. Glancing around, she saw many in the congregation nodding off.
Finally it was over. After the service, she turned to a still sleepy-looking gentleman next to her, extended her hand and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn."
He replied, "You and me both!"
********************************
E-Mail Blessing
Peace be unto you, your computer and the e-mail you receive this day.
May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or Return it within a limited time frame.
May the mail you receive not require you to take action to prove Your love, friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender.
May the mail you receive not start with Fw Fw Fw, not contain Strangely named attachments and contain a "<" for every ">".
May the mail you receive not require you to look closely at Those on the playground to see if they are the non-missing children You are to be searching for.
May the mail you receive not cause you to change Your eating habits to avoid plagues, pestilence and the eating Of parts of things that you can't buy at Wal-Mart.
May the mail you receive not encourage you to carry a steel Plate on which to sit in theaters or other public places.
May the mail you receive not encourage you to learn the 800 Number for the National Missing Child Bureau, Center for Disease Control or the FCC.
May your inaction to the mail you receive not cause the Death of monks, missionaries, mothers or the misguided.
And above all may peace and harmony be yours until Tomorrow.
********************************
Bad Day
You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says, "Today is Nerd Day at school, Dad. Can I borrow some of your clothes?"
Childbirth
After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife.
It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more minutes."
"Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly.
The doctor replied, "I don't know. It's hard to tell by the ears."
********************************
After my 11 year old son did something really dumb, I called him a "moron." He looked at he like he was saying, "Dad, do you know anything?"
He finally said "Dad I looked 'moron' up in the dictionary and the definition of it is 'a person who has the intelligence of a 12 year old.' Thanks Dad, you just gave me a compliment!"
********************************
Gladys Dunn was new in town and decided to visit the church nearest to her new apartment.
She appreciated the pretty sanctuary and the music by the choir, but the sermon went on and on. Worse, it wasn't very interesting. Glancing around, she saw many in the congregation nodding off.
Finally it was over. After the service, she turned to a still sleepy-looking gentleman next to her, extended her hand and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn."
He replied, "You and me both!"
********************************
E-Mail Blessing
Peace be unto you, your computer and the e-mail you receive this day.
May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or Return it within a limited time frame.
May the mail you receive not require you to take action to prove Your love, friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender.
May the mail you receive not start with Fw Fw Fw, not contain Strangely named attachments and contain a "<" for every ">".
May the mail you receive not require you to look closely at Those on the playground to see if they are the non-missing children You are to be searching for.
May the mail you receive not cause you to change Your eating habits to avoid plagues, pestilence and the eating Of parts of things that you can't buy at Wal-Mart.
May the mail you receive not encourage you to carry a steel Plate on which to sit in theaters or other public places.
May the mail you receive not encourage you to learn the 800 Number for the National Missing Child Bureau, Center for Disease Control or the FCC.
May your inaction to the mail you receive not cause the Death of monks, missionaries, mothers or the misguided.
And above all may peace and harmony be yours until Tomorrow.
********************************
Bad Day
You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says, "Today is Nerd Day at school, Dad. Can I borrow some of your clothes?"
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
hUMOR For January 12th
********************************
A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"
The foreman replied, "Insanity."
The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
********************************
A farmer asked his vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn't doing well at all. After checking the bull's vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill. He forced open the bull's mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.
Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping every fence in his way.
The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"
The farmer replied, "Now give me one of those pills. I've gotta catch him!"
********************************
Late for Class
At a prestigious university there is a clear hierarchy that outlines how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.
It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when a student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.
"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"
"Well," mused the unperturbed young man... "first they saluted, then they asked, 'How are you this morning, sir?'"
********************************
Perfecting the Art of Falling ApartMy hair's getting thinner, my body is not;The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.I smell of Vick's Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;If my name's not there, I'll once again start-Perfecting the art of falling apart.
A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"
The foreman replied, "Insanity."
The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
********************************
A farmer asked his vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn't doing well at all. After checking the bull's vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill. He forced open the bull's mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.
Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping every fence in his way.
The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"
The farmer replied, "Now give me one of those pills. I've gotta catch him!"
********************************
Late for Class
At a prestigious university there is a clear hierarchy that outlines how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.
It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when a student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.
"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"
"Well," mused the unperturbed young man... "first they saluted, then they asked, 'How are you this morning, sir?'"
********************************
Perfecting the Art of Falling ApartMy hair's getting thinner, my body is not;The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.I smell of Vick's Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;If my name's not there, I'll once again start-Perfecting the art of falling apart.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
hUMOR For January 11th
********************************
Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella.
The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?"
To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah", but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don't even have a car to go with it"
The guy with the car door says, "Yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"
********************************
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"
********************************
1. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables get someone else to hold them while you chop away.
2. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
3. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
4. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
5. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
6. And most helpful of all - DO NOT TRY ANY OF THE ABOVE HINTS.
Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella.
The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?"
To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah", but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don't even have a car to go with it"
The guy with the car door says, "Yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"
********************************
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"
********************************
1. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables get someone else to hold them while you chop away.
2. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
3. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
4. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
5. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
6. And most helpful of all - DO NOT TRY ANY OF THE ABOVE HINTS.
Monday, January 10, 2005
hUMOR For January 10th
********************************
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
HOPE TO HAVE MORE hUMOR TOMORROW
"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
HOPE TO HAVE MORE hUMOR TOMORROW
Sunday, January 09, 2005
hUMOR For January 9th
Politicians have a constant need to be diplomatic. Witness this candidate for the Senate who traveled to a small town community to address the single church there. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to ask which denomination so that when it was time for his speech, he inquired in this way:
My brethren, all. I must tell you that my great Grandfather was Presbyterian (absolute silence); but my Grandmother was an Episcopalian (more silence); I must tell you that my other Grandfather was a Catholic (deep silence); while my other Grandmother was Methodist (continued silence).
But I must tell you that I had an aunt who was a Baptist (loud cheers!)...and I have always considered my aunt's path to be the right one!"
My brethren, all. I must tell you that my great Grandfather was Presbyterian (absolute silence); but my Grandmother was an Episcopalian (more silence); I must tell you that my other Grandfather was a Catholic (deep silence); while my other Grandmother was Methodist (continued silence).
But I must tell you that I had an aunt who was a Baptist (loud cheers!)...and I have always considered my aunt's path to be the right one!"
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