hUMOR For January 15th

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A joy of which I'll not partake
Is eating children's birthday cake.
To "blow out" candles, in a word,
Is really patently absurd:
Each puff contains sufficient moisture
To propagate your av'rage oyster.

So, Birthday-Boy and ditto-Daughter,
Withhold from me your whiff of water.
I do not need some little squirt
To atomize on my dessert.
Among the things I will not do
Is have my cake and drink it, too.

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A joy of which I'll not partake
Is eating children's birthday cake.
To "blow out" candles, in a word,
Is really patently absurd:
Each puff contains sufficient moisture
To propagate your av'rage oyster.

So, Birthday-Boy and ditto-Daughter,
Withhold from me your whiff of water.
I do not need some little squirt
To atomize on my dessert.
Among the things I will not do
Is have my cake and drink it, too.

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The rich industrialist from the North was horrified to find the southern fisherman lying lazily beside his boat, smoking a pipe.

"Why aren't you out fishing?" said the industrialist.

"Because I have caught enough fish for the day," said the fisherman.

"Why don't you catch some more?"

"What would I do with them?"

"You could earn more money," was the industrialist's reply.

"With that you could have a motor fixed to your boat and go into deeper waters and catch more fish. Then you would make enough to buy nylon nets. These would bring you more fish and more money. Soon you would have enough money to own two boats . . . maybe even a fleet of boats. Then you would be a rich man like me."

"What would I do then?" asked the fisherman.

"Then you could really enjoy life."

"What do you think I am doing right now?"

hUMOR For January 14th

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"Lord, give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money."
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After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that!
Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the "picture," but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly WITCH he's runnin' around with!"
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Here is today's CleanPun.
In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur."
The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary.
"Could you please spell that?" she asked.
"You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."
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I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.
The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."
While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me.
"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
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Pandemonium Strikes Again

When the ice-maker on our refrigerator broke, my husband dropped by the local hardware to find the part. Because the sun was so bright that day and the interior of the store was dark, his eyes hadn't quite adjusted when he walked in. He accidentally stepped on the foot of a woman examining some samples. She screamed, causing my husband to jump sideways into a display of fireplace tools that went crashing in every direction. Unnerved, he stumbled over to the service desk, and as he put his hands on the counter, he flipped over a bowl of marbles, scattering them everywhere.

After taking a deep breath to calm himself, he announced to the wide-eyed woman working there, "My refrigerator doesn't work."

She replied, simply, "I don't doubt it."

hUMOR For January 13th

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Childbirth

After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted to the delivery room with my wife.

It seemed like an eternity before the doctor finally announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more minutes."

"Is it a girl or boy?" I asked excitedly.

The doctor replied, "I don't know. It's hard to tell by the ears."
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After my 11 year old son did something really dumb, I called him a "moron." He looked at he like he was saying, "Dad, do you know anything?"
He finally said "Dad I looked 'moron' up in the dictionary and the definition of it is 'a person who has the intelligence of a 12 year old.' Thanks Dad, you just gave me a compliment!"
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Gladys Dunn was new in town and decided to visit the church nearest to her new apartment.

She appreciated the pretty sanctuary and the music by the choir, but the sermon went on and on. Worse, it wasn't very interesting. Glancing around, she saw many in the congregation nodding off.

Finally it was over. After the service, she turned to a still sleepy-looking gentleman next to her, extended her hand and said, "I'm Gladys Dunn."

He replied, "You and me both!"
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E-Mail Blessing
Peace be unto you, your computer and the e-mail you receive this day.
May the mail you receive not require you to multiply it tenfold or Return it within a limited time frame.
May the mail you receive not require you to take action to prove Your love, friendship, or concern for the welfare of the sender.
May the mail you receive not start with Fw Fw Fw, not contain Strangely named attachments and contain a "<" for every ">".
May the mail you receive not require you to look closely at Those on the playground to see if they are the non-missing children You are to be searching for.
May the mail you receive not cause you to change Your eating habits to avoid plagues, pestilence and the eating Of parts of things that you can't buy at Wal-Mart.
May the mail you receive not encourage you to carry a steel Plate on which to sit in theaters or other public places.
May the mail you receive not encourage you to learn the 800 Number for the National Missing Child Bureau, Center for Disease Control or the FCC.
May your inaction to the mail you receive not cause the Death of monks, missionaries, mothers or the misguided.
And above all may peace and harmony be yours until Tomorrow.
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Bad Day

You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says, "Today is Nerd Day at school, Dad. Can I borrow some of your clothes?"

hUMOR For January 12th

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A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"
The foreman replied, "Insanity."
The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"
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Here is today's CleanPun.
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."
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A farmer asked his vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn't doing well at all. After checking the bull's vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill. He forced open the bull's mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.

Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping every fence in his way.

The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"

The farmer replied, "Now give me one of those pills. I've gotta catch him!"
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Late for Class

At a prestigious university there is a clear hierarchy that outlines how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.

It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when a student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.

"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"

"Well," mused the unperturbed young man... "first they saluted, then they asked, 'How are you this morning, sir?'"
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Perfecting the Art of Falling ApartMy hair's getting thinner, my body is not;The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.I smell of Vick's Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;If my name's not there, I'll once again start-Perfecting the art of falling apart.

hUMOR For January 11th

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Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella.
The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?"
To which the guy with the umbrella replies, "Yeah", but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don't even have a car to go with it"
The guy with the car door says, "Yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"
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A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle", said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started." The preacher said, "I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!"
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1. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables get someone else to hold them while you chop away.
2. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
3. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
4. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
5. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
6. And most helpful of all - DO NOT TRY ANY OF THE ABOVE HINTS.

hUMOR For January 10th

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"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The Judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"


HOPE TO HAVE MORE hUMOR TOMORROW

hUMOR For January 9th

Politicians have a constant need to be diplomatic. Witness this candidate for the Senate who traveled to a small town community to address the single church there. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to ask which denomination so that when it was time for his speech, he inquired in this way:
My brethren, all. I must tell you that my great Grandfather was Presbyterian (absolute silence); but my Grandmother was an Episcopalian (more silence); I must tell you that my other Grandfather was a Catholic (deep silence); while my other Grandmother was Methodist (continued silence).
But I must tell you that I had an aunt who was a Baptist (loud cheers!)...and I have always considered my aunt's path to be the right one!"

hUMOR For January 8th

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A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife says, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband says, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "Hebrews" (He Brews)
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As an obstetrician, I sometimes see unusual tattoos when working in labor and delivery. One patient had some type of fish tattoo on her abdomen. "That sure is an unusual looking whale," I commented.
With a sad smile she replied, "It used to be a dolphin."
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Ordering a Pizza in the Future

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Delivery. May I have your National ID number?

Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net. Which number are you calling from, sir?

Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information?

Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.

Customer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.

Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice.

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll! like it.

Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones then.

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.

Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?

Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car was reposessed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.

Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2003 conviction for swearing at a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for swearing at a judge Oh yes, I see here that you recently got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this.
Thank you for calling Pizza Delivery.

hUMOR For January 7th

My mother's co-workers sympathized as my she complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture.

"Why didn't you wait till your husband got home?" someone asked her.

"I could have," my mother told the group, "but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it."
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Eye Exam

I believe my daughter wants a pair of glasses. I don't know why she does. Perhaps glasses are now "cool" to have in school? But though she sees just fine, she still says she needs glasses.

I took her to the eye doctor just to check it out though. She was asked to read the bottom row of letters on the eye chart.

She said, "All right, I can see the 'O' and the 'P' and the 'T,' but not the 'N' and the 'Z.'"

hUMOR For January 6th

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.
One soldier mused, "Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast as the month after New Year's, and all through the houseNothing would fit me, not even a blouse.The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd tasteAt the holiday parties had gone to my waist.When I got on the scales there arose such a number!Then I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber). I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheeseAnd the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirtAnd prepared once again to do battle with dirt---I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!" So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chipEvery last bit of food that I like must be banished'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.I won't have a cookie--not ev! en a lick.I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---But isn't that what January is for?Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
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Report Card

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good ... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:

"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:

"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
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While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.

One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.

"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."
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Chocolate is a Vegetable

Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to
protect themselves. (We're testing this with other snack foods as well.)

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

Remember - - - "STRESSED" spelled backward is "DESSERTS"

Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.
Send this to everyone you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.
If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.
That's why I had to pass this on - - - - - I didn't want to risk it.

hUMOR For January 5th

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Christmas Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the break.
"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied.
"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell that?"
Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio."
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Here is today's CleanPun.
I need some duck tape - my duck has a quack in it.
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New Year's Dinner

As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."

hUMOR For January 4th

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After a close friend moved away, we began to communicate by computer. We met each week in her favorite chat room and would type for hours.
One night, I had a high fever and swollen larynx and felt too sick to chat, so I dashed off a brief note canceling our cyber-plans, then fell exhausted into bed.
My friend seemed upset when I phoned her a few days later. "If you don't want to go on the 'Net with me," she said, "just say so."
Perplexed, I retrieved the last e-mail I'd sent her. It read, "I won't be able to talk to you on the computer tonight. I have laryngitis."
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You Might Belong To A Redneck Synagogue If . . .
(Sorry folks, there was just no way to Gooberfy this one)
People ask, when they hear about oil lasting 8 days, whether it was Pennzoil.
The shofar sounds like a duck call.
The Bar Mitzvah centerpiece is made from grits. It's in the shape of a shotgun.
The rabbi says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to approach the bima," and then five guys and two women stand up.
You can tell it's a fancy Oneg Shabbat when they serve beef jerky.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as another high holiday.
A member of the synagogue requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The rabbi and the cantor drive matching pickup trucks.
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
Bris is referred to as "branding".
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
High notes on the organ set the dogs under the floor to howling.
The Sisterhood recipe for gefilte fish calls for a medium-sized catfish.
You can recognize life cycle events by the clean t-shirts.
For Purim, all the kids dress up as Dale Earnhardt.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?"
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Although he had packed his bag for a business trip the night before, my husband planned to come home from the office before leaving. That afternoon he called to say the meeting had been canceled and on the spur of the moment we decided to spend a romantic, child-free night in a hotel.

I quickly repacked his suitcase, replacing his belongings with two wine glasses, candlesticks and candles and some bubble bath. Then I dashed out to buy a bottle of wine.
When I returned, the bag was gone. A note on the kitchen table read: "Sorry, hon, the business trip's on after all.
I'll call you when I get there."

hUMOR For January 3rd

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I was telling a friend about my enrollment in a weight-loss program and how excited I was about the meetings.
"Sounds great," she said. "I'm almost tempted to join too."
"Well, next time I go," I replied, "I'll take you along."
"Okay," my friend responded, and then she asked, "Do they serve refreshments?"
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Old man Fielding, the miser, at last went to his reward and presented himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted him with appropriate solemnity and escorted him to his new abode. Walking past numerous elegant mansions finally they arrived at a dilapidated shack at the end of the street.
Fielding, much taken aback, began, "Why am I left with a rundown shack when all of these others have fine mansions?"
"Well, sir," replied St. Peter, "we did the best we could with the money you sent us."
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A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

hUMOR For January 2nd

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Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my husband and I appreciate movers who take the time to label carefully boxes they pack for us.
The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we try to find something right away.
My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to a box - obviously not knowing how to spell the best one word description: "Animals you hit with a stick at a Mexican party."
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Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my husband and I appreciate movers who take the time to label carefully boxes they pack for us.
The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we try to find something right away.
My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to a box - obviously not knowing how to spell the best one word description: "Animals you hit with a stick at a Mexican party."
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You've Got No Mail

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

The psychiatrist asks, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

"That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.

"How's that working?"

Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet," the blonde replies.

"And why do you think that is?"

The blonde says, "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
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Its Colorado and this trucker is driving along and comes to a read light and stops.
He is looking in his rear view mirror and watches a red mustang pull up and a Blond jump out and run up to his truck and knocks on his window and as he rolls it down she says "Hi I'm Jill!, and you are losing your load" The light changes and the truck driver ignoring her just drivers off.

At the next stop light, the Blond jumps out and runs up to his truck and says "Hi I'm Jill!, and you are losing your load" This time the driver shakes his head and just drives off.

At the next light as he stopped the Blond again runs forward slightly out of breath and exasperated said "Hi I'm Jill!, and you are losing your load"

The truck driver hurriedly speeds to the next red light. He jumped down and ran to the mustang before the Blond could get out and knocks on her window and when she rolled it down he said: Hi! we are in Colorado, it is winter and my name is Kevin, and I am salting the road.

Humor For January 1st

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I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game.
I guess they eat so much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said,
"Boy, it sure would be nice in pizzas lived in the woods."
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The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question session.
"Property holder?"
"Yes, I am, Your Honor."
"Married or single?"
"Married for twenty years, Your Honor."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."
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IT WAS NEW YEAR'S DAY and the Rose Parade was just starting. To get the best view, we had splurged on reserved seats in the grandstand. Yet every time a float passed, the large man in front of us stood to take pictures. We could see nothing.

Drastic action was called for. I took a picture of the scene in front of us with my Polaroid. When the photo developed, I gave it to the man, who looked wordlessly at a shot of his rear end.

He remained seated for the rest of the parade.
********************************
Warm Up WitWhen my friend was a pastor of a church in Philadelphia, he was busy one afternoon nailing up an errant vine. A nearby neighbor's son stood by watching for a while. Finally my friend asked, "Well my young friend, are you trying to get a hint or two about gardening?""No sir," said the boy, "I'm just waiting to hear what a minister says when he hammers his thumb."

hUMOR For December 31st

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You Know You Have A Bad Computer When . . .
10. The lower corner of screen has the words "etch a sketch" on it.
9. When you insert a disk, it spits out a pack of cigarettes.
8. You have to pedal it.
7. The manual contains one sentence: "good luck!"
6. The only chip inside is a dorito.
5. When you turn it on, the dogs in the neighborhood start howling.
4. You catch a virus from it.
3. Screen frequently freezes and message comes up: "Ain't it break time, Chester?"
2. While running, it emits deafening calliope music.
1. It cyber-snickers at you.
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A pregnant woman from San Francisco got in a car accident and fell into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Congratulations, you had twins! A boy and a girl. When your brother heard about the accident, he came to San Francisco, since he was the closest relative we had him name them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew."
********************************
Shoplifter

My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act.
He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run.

After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

"Everything's fine, folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items."

hUMOR For December 30th

********************************
There was this truck driver who had to deliver five hundred penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, the truck breaks down. After waiting by the side of the road for about three hours he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.
The next day the first truck driver arrives in town and sees the second truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him.
The first truck driver jumps out of his truck and says, "What's going on?I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"
The second truck driver replies, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."
********************************
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."
********************************
Concentrating

I was talking to my preacher I noticed he had cut himself shaving.

I asked him about it. He said he was concentrating on his sermon and nicked his chin.

I told him next time to concentrate on what he was doing and cut his sermon.
********************************
From the Mouth of a 6-year-old

My mother teaches first grade in a small town. One day, she took all her students down the hall to the restroom at once so as not to be disturbed every 5 minutes for a bathroom break. As first-graders tend to dawdle, she urged them to "hurry up and take care of business" so they could get back to the classroom.

One young man looked up at her and, in all seriousness said, "Teacher, I don't have any unfinished business."

hUMOR For December 29th

********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holderon the vehicle?"
"I've got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"
********************************
Can't Wait

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at
our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and
she knows how to cook."
********************************
A new miracle doctor had just arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. He went and told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar and told Mr. Thompson to taste it.
He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. hompson," said the doctor.
So Mr. Thompson went home very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson went back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!"
Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47..."
Immediately Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

hUMOR For December 28th

********************************
My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run.

After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items."
********************************
No I.D.

A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.

She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."

He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

"How come?" asked the woman.

"Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.

hUMOR For December 27th

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Beware of Companies With These Hiring Slogans:
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some each night and some each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.
********************************
Beware of Companies With These Hiring Slogans:
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some each night and some each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.
********************************
Can't Wait

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When
little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at
our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and
she knows how to cook."

hUMOR For December 26th

********************************
Ten Dresses

My mom got mad at my dad the other day so she went shopping to relieve her irritation. When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses.

"Ten!" he hollered, "What could any woman want with ten new dresses??"

My mom calmly replied, "Ten new pairs of shoes."
********************************
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill).

3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

hUMOR For December 25th

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Automotive Gift Suggestions - Just in Time for Last Minute Christmas Shopping
If you have an "Automotive Minded" person in you life, these gift suggestions should be considered.
1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you need to change the air in your tires. This highly recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or twice a year. $25 2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12
3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24
4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each.
5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT. If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound. $3.50
6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for specific application. From $9.99
7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with T-50! $14.99
8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!) From $2.99
9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available special order. $14.99
10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95
11. Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99
12. Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59
13. Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we sell!) $40.24
14. Muffler Bearings From $19.95
15. Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99
16. Momentum (required for tackling some off road obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50
17. Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes, etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product will safely remove the virus. $199
18. Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per square ft.
********************************
Airport Mistletoe

It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green with loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage, he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

------------------------------------------------------------------

For the curious who might not know of the "tradition" of kissing under the mistletoe, let me provide a tiny bit of history.

The history of kissing under the mistletoe means going back to ancient Scandinavia -- to custom and the Norse myths: "It was also the plant of peace in Scandinavian antiquity. If enemies met by chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and maintained a truce until the next day." This ancient Scandinavian custom led to mistletoe being a symbol of love, peace and goodwill. It may be that this embrace of goodwill among enemies eventually led to the traditional kiss under the mistletoe. Some cultures say that if a man kisses a woman while she is standing under mistletoe, it is a proposal of marriage! Most cultures around the world however, now just view a person standing under mistletoe as being available for a kiss!

hUMOR For December 24th

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Letter From Mom

When the man came home, his wife was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter she had written:
PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
********************************
A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.
Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
********************************
A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts."
Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup.
Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!"
The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!"
********************************
DATE: December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols ..feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
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DATE: December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas.
>From now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanza at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
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DATE: December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange -- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too much money.

Pat Lewis, Human Researchers Director
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DATE: December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms.

Happy now?

Pat Lewis, Human Racehorses Director
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DATE: December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."

Patricia Lewis, Human Rat Races
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.

I'm hearing them right now.....

Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

The Witch
----------------------------------------------------------------------
DATE: December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness.

I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

We hope that this change does not offend anyone.

Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
********************************
Memo from Santa===============I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will nolonger serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North andSouth Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas onChristmas Eve.Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract wasrenegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of thenew and better contract, I also getlonger breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with yourlocal replacement, who happens to be my third cousin,Bubba Claus.His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal ofdelivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a fewdifferences between us.Differences such as:1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents fromBubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker thatreads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave anRC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn'tsmoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff, so please have an empty spit canhandy.3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs insteadof reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer onetime, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen..." when BubbaClaus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliottand Petty."5. "Ho, Ho, Ho" has been replaced by "Yee Haw" And you also arelikely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat"6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have aYosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34thStreet" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in yournegotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg SavesChristmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as BubbaClaus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.And Finally,8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sureyou, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to putpresents under the tree.Sincerely Yours,Santa Claus

hUMOR For December 23rd

********************************
I can't say that this was my most memorable Christmas, but it certainly is one that I won't soon forget.
My wife and I had just graduated from Bible College that year (1989) and were living in Toronto. We were hoping to observe Christmas Eve according to my side of the family's tradition. On Christmas Eve the Davis family would settle in at home and enjoy a nice spread of cold cuts, cheeses, and snack foods while enjoying each other's company, Christmas music, and the general ambiance of our decorated tree and lights. For Christmas Day we were planning to drive the hour and half north to my parent's home for Christmas dinner.
We were aware of a couple of individuals at the church, where I was the youth pastor, who would be alone on Christmas Eve. One of them was our neighbour next to the 6-plex in which we lived. Joe was a single American, in his forties, and living alone. The other individual was Stephen.Stephen was very new to Canada. A political refugee, he had just escaped Ghana, Africa, with his life and had no family in North America. Both Joe and Stephen accepted our invitation.
When it came time to gather together, Joe of course walked to our building to join us while I drove to pick up Stephen and bring him to our apartment.As I went to pick him up I was beginning to feel a bit of a cold coming on, but figured I could fight it off if I just kept warm. It wasn't long before we were all together back at our apartment that we began to converse. It wasn't much later when Joe and Stephen began to argue about American foreign policy in Africa. Although I kept trying to change the subject to something a bit more festive, they kept returning to their argument - each pressing his own case more firmly and loudly. Eventually, I retreated within myself waiting for the chance to call it a night, take Stephen home, and go to bed as my cold was beginning to gain a foothold in my body.
Eventually, my wife and I had endured our guest's arguing long enough that it didn't seem rude when we thanked them for coming and wrapped up our time together. Joe walked home and I drove Stephen to his place - stopping at a gas station along the way to fill the slowly leaking right rear tire on my car. After returning home and parking the car, I glanced back and noticed my tire was now entirely flat thanks to ice that had gotten into the tire valve stem when refilling it. Returning to our apartment I told my wife I would be in the parking lot out back changing the tire on the car. Noticing that I now had a headache and was running a low-grade fever, I put on some extra layers of clothing to try to survive the automotive ordeal that awaited.
Once outside in the bitterly cold Christmas Eve night, I wrestled with the stupid, tiny jack that came with our car in order to get the stupid, flat tire off our car so I could put the stupid, little, tiny spare tire that came with our car on our car to hold that corner barely off the ground. At some point during all of that, and as my body temperature began to grow along with what was now flu like symptoms, my wife appeared at the back door of our building.
She informed me that my mother had called and that a family member, who was expected for Christmas dinner the next day, had had too much to drink the day before. As it turned out, after he was removed from directing traffic in the downtown of my hometown, he promptly emptied the contents of his stomach and in the process of cleaning up, flushed his brand new dentures down the toilet. Mom's request was that I look in our storage area for my grandfather's teeth, which were with some other things in a box from the funeral home that had buried him. The plan was that we would loan the teeth to this relative so they could chew Christmas dinner with us. At this point my wife, two months pregnant and with a very queasy stomach, added her own input and stated that if I did find Grandpa's teeth, and loan them out, that she herself might not be able to eat Christmas dinner.
After finishing changing the tire, and taking the flat indoors, so the ice in the valve stem could melt, the tire be re-inflated and changed again on Christmas morning, I spent the rest of Christmas Eve in the dingy basement of our building, with my head pounding, my body reeling from a fever, while I rifled and shuffled through boxes looking for Grandpa's teeth - which I never did find to the relief of my wife.
None of those events have anything to do with what makes Christmas truly memorable for me, but just the same, I'll not soon forget Christmas 1989.
********************************
There were two goobers who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one goober turned to the other and said,
"I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
********************************
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the lady attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."
(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

hUMOR For December 22nd

********************************
Politically Correct Holiday Greetings

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all;"

PLUS

"a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wisher."

(Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms.
This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher who assumes no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.)
********************************
A minister well known for his beautiful singing voice came home visibly upset after consulting with a new widow about funeral plans for her recently deceased husband. His wife asked him what was wrong, and he revealed that the wife had asked him to sing her husband's favorite song, "Jingle Bells," at the funeral.
He was troubled that it wasn't appropriate to the solemn occasion. He struggled and prayed about it, and finally decided to honor the grieving widow's wishes.
At the funeral, still sensitive about how some of the mourners might react to hearing "Jingle Bells" at a funeral, he carefully introduced the song with words about appreciating the sense of humor and lightheartedness of the deceased.
The widow had been very tearful during the service. Hearing the introduction to her late husband's "favorite song" she sat up and began to appear quite interested. As the preacher began the song, the widow began to smile, and her tears dried up.
She was actually giggling as he concluded, and he felt glad he'd decided to honor her request since it obviously had been so comforting.
After the service she thanked the pastor for sharing his music ministry, and with a big grin she added, "By the way, the favorite song I requested was 'When They Ring Those Golden Bells!'"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
It was the night before Christmas when Santa Claus' sleigh team became one member short because of a sudden illness.
When an inflatable plastic reindeer was used to fill the void in the team, so no one would take notice the missing animal, Regis Chief of Elves, asked Santa,
"Is that your vinyl Prancer?"
********************************
Searching through row upon row of Christmas trees, my husband Norm and I picked one we liked. Then I noticed the one being held by a woman nearby "the" perfect tree. I watched as she carried it around the lot and couldn't believe my eyes when she set it aside.

I ditched ours and ran over to grab the coveted tree.
"Aren't we lucky?" I said to Norm. "I do feel a little guilty, though, for taking it before she could change her mind."

"Don't worry," he replied. "She just ran over and snatched ours."
********************************
Buying a Hat

My wife and I were visiting her 95-year-old grandfather when he asked us to take him to buy a new hat. My wife took me aside. "I'm worried that he doesn't have enough money, and he'll be very embarrassed," she said. So I asked the salesperson to tell my wife's grandfather that whichever hat he chose cost $15. I would pay the difference. Grandpa picked out a hat and was charged $15. After he left, I paid the other $45 of the price. Later Grandpa said, "What a bargain! The last one I bought there cost me $60.

hUMOR For December 21st

********************************
A few days after Christmas last year, my six year old son and I were talking.
He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?"
"Well, what do you think?" I asked him.
He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper." He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"
********************************
I, Pastor Tim (neither Republican nor Democrat), warn you now that if you are either (or both) and cannot laugh at yourself, you should just delete this now.
*Political Christmas Guide*
Republicans say "Merry Christmas!"Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.
Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes.Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.
When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.Democrats ask for a "Bud."
When not in stores, Republicans shop from a catalog.Democrats watch for "incredible TV offers" on late night television.
Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.
Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids.Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.
Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.Democrats save their time and money, and drive around at night to look at *other* people's lights.
Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."
Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before wrapping.Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.
Republicans wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season.Democrats do too, all year round.
Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards.Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.
Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls."Young Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.Green Democrats buy a real tree with roots, and then replant it after New Years.
Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and Indians."Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians win.
Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus.Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus.
Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday meals.On this, Republicans are in full agreement.

hUMOR For December 20th

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An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until next year, on their anniversary, when he came home, kissed his wife and said off-handedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"
********************************
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," he said. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then, you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in an office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!"
********************************
Say What?

In the ascertainment of an excogitation of linguistic proclivity, one might
ascribe to the mentation that a phratry exists in which some encyclopedists
designedly cultivate a nonplussed ambience hypothecated to befuddle the vox
populi.

TRANSLATION: Judging from the words some people use, you'd think they
purposely write to confuse the average person.
********************************
One day a novice skier went up a mountain that any beginner should have avoided. No one would have blamed her if she stayed behind. At 12 below zero, even Frosty the Snowman would have opted for a warm fire. Hardly a day for snow skiing, but her husband insisted. So she went.

While waiting in the lift line, she realized she was in dire need of a restroom. Assured there was a restroom at the top of the lift, she endured the bouncy ride, only to find there was no facility. She began to panic. Her husband had an idea: why not go out into the woods? Since she was wearing an all white outfit, she'd blend in with the snow.

What choice did she have? She skied past the tree line and arranged her ski suit at half-mast. Unfortunately, her husband hadn't told her to remove her skis.
Inadvertently, she began sliding backwards across the slope, without a chance to make herself presentable. With arms flailing and skis sailing, she sped under the very lift she'd just ridden and collided with a pylon.

As she scrambled to cover herself, she discovered that her arm was broken. Fortunately, her husband raced to her rescue. He summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to the hospital.

While being treated in the emergency room, a man with a broken leg was carried in and placed next to her. By now she'd regained her composure enough to make small talk.
"So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked.

"It was the strangest thing you ever saw," he explained.
"I was riding up the ski lift and suddenly there was this crazy woman skiing backwards, at top speed, with her ski suit down around her knees. I couldn't believe my eyes, so I leaned over to get a better look. I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."

The he turned to her and asked, "So, how'd you break your arm?"

hUMOR For December 19th

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Seals

Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you're a Navy SEAL.

Case in point: My grandson's Kindergarten class on Career Day. I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military. After I finished, hands shot up into the air all over the classroom. The kids were eager to ask questions.

One little girl asked, "Can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?"
********************************
*Elf Pet Peeves*
7. Toil for 364 days a year just to make children smile and no one gives a rip. Meanwhile, frolic around one day in some stupid outfit in February with a lousy bow and arrow and all of a sudden you're a hero.
6. Company health plan doesn't cover tattoo removal.
5. The EPA's new relaxed reindeer-emissions standards.
4. Icy cold North Pole temperature makes it hard to produce quality workmanship.
3. Reindeer game #12: Elf lacrosse.
2. Constantly ridiculed for that 0-854 record in the North Pole basketball league.
1. Jolly Ole Santa has never yet brought back a single cookie to share.
********************************
*Elf Pet Peeves*
7. Toil for 364 days a year just to make children smile and no one gives a rip. Meanwhile, frolic around one day in some stupid outfit in February with a lousy bow and arrow and all of a sudden you're a hero.
6. Company health plan doesn't cover tattoo removal.
5. The EPA's new relaxed reindeer-emissions standards.
4. Icy cold North Pole temperature makes it hard to produce quality workmanship.
3. Reindeer game #12: Elf lacrosse.
2. Constantly ridiculed for that 0-854 record in the North Pole basketball league.
1. Jolly Ole Santa has never yet brought back a single cookie to share.

hUMOR For December 19th

********************************
Seals

Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you're a Navy SEAL.

Case in point: My grandson's Kindergarten class on Career Day. I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military. After I finished, hands shot up into the air all over the classroom. The kids were eager to ask questions.

One little girl asked, "Can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?"
********************************
*Elf Pet Peeves*
7. Toil for 364 days a year just to make children smile and no one gives a rip. Meanwhile, frolic around one day in some stupid outfit in February with a lousy bow and arrow and all of a sudden you're a hero.
6. Company health plan doesn't cover tattoo removal.
5. The EPA's new relaxed reindeer-emissions standards.
4. Icy cold North Pole temperature makes it hard to produce quality workmanship.
3. Reindeer game #12: Elf lacrosse.
2. Constantly ridiculed for that 0-854 record in the North Pole basketball league.
1. Jolly Ole Santa has never yet brought back a single cookie to share.
********************************
*Elf Pet Peeves*
7. Toil for 364 days a year just to make children smile and no one gives a rip. Meanwhile, frolic around one day in some stupid outfit in February with a lousy bow and arrow and all of a sudden you're a hero.
6. Company health plan doesn't cover tattoo removal.
5. The EPA's new relaxed reindeer-emissions standards.
4. Icy cold North Pole temperature makes it hard to produce quality workmanship.
3. Reindeer game #12: Elf lacrosse.
2. Constantly ridiculed for that 0-854 record in the North Pole basketball league.
1. Jolly Ole Santa has never yet brought back a single cookie to share.

hUMOR For December 18th

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A couple went Christmas shopping at the mall. They decided to go their separate ways and meet two hours later.
The husband was at their appointed meeting place at the appointed time, but there was no sign of his wife. After waiting for half an hour, he started looking for her but couldn't find her in any of the stores she usually frequented.
Finally, thoroughly tired of looking for her, he approached a beautiful blonde on a mall bench. He smiled at her and said, "Please, talk to me! Quick!"
She said, "Why?"
"Because I've been looking for my wife all over this mall and I can't find her," the man replied.
"How will talking to me help you find your wife? I have absolutely no idea what she looks like, much less where she is."
"I didn't think you did. However, every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears!"
********************************
Once my wife and I had to take a flight that had 4 other stops before arriving at the Dallas-Forth Worth Airport. At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to the plane and my wife watched it pull up to the wing. She asked, "What's that truck doing?"
I explained that some airlines don't completely fuel up a plane for various reasons & we were taking on more fuel. This process was repeated at the next three stops, and my wife watched the plane being fueled each time.
At the last stop, I said, "Ya know, in spite of all these delays, we're making pretty good time."
My wife pointed out the window and said, "I don't know. That lil' white truck is keeping up with us.
********************************
** I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess its NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

** This is Frank. You can leave me a message, but I must warn you I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read. So please use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation, and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it.

** (Game show-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag!

hUMOR For December 17th

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Here is today's CleanPun.
Some of you on this list will actually enjoy these - proof once again of the need for more therapists in the world, lol.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?It's Christmas, Eve!
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?Santa Claustrophobia!
What disasters could happen if you dropped the Christmas turkey?The downfall of Turkey, the break-up of China and the overthrow of Greece!
What's ice? Skid Stuff!
Where do snowmen go to dance?Snowballs!
How do snowmen travel around?By icicle!
********************************
My sister has the courage--but not always the skills--to tackle any home-repair project.
For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.
"Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?" Dianne suggested.
********************************
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" "Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"

"Because," said the caddy.... "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
********************************
How Many Feet?

I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a drivers manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her driver's permit.

"Oh, she said, "I already know everything in the book."

"You do?" I returned.

"Yep", she said, very smugly.

I thought, "OK, I'll give her a hard one." So I asked her, "How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?"

"One," she replied.

"What?" I asked. "One?!"

She repeated her answer and then because of the confused look on my face, she added, "One, Mom. You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes, only use my right one."

hUMOR For December 16th

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Computer's Down

Our new office computer system was down as much as it was working. My co-worker Cathy decided to stay late one evening to catch up on the work that had accumulated. On her way home, a police officer stopped her for speeding. "What a perfect end to an awful day!" she exclaimed. "Our computer is up, then down -- up, then down. I stay late to catch up, and now this!"

The officer was unaffected by Cathy's griping and he went to his car to prepare a citation. After what seemed an eternity, he returned with her license and registration. As he handed them to her, he smiled and said, "Our computer is down."
********************************
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
********************************
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have you know I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
********************************
The Monday Afternoon Club, an organization of wealthy city women, met and decided that this month's outing was to be at a dairy farm. Most of them had lived in the city all their lives, and had never seen such a thing. The day came, and the ladies filed into the rented bus which whisked them off to their destination. On the way, they watched out the windows as the city squalor turned into lovely, unpolluted countryside.

After they arrived, they were greeted by the farmer who invited them to look him up should they have any questions. Myrtle, after looking about and being amazed by what she saw, stepped into a building and viewed something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him--he sauntered in. "Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone: "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
********************************
Bragging

At the day-care center where I work, some of the children were telling me about their siblings.

"My brother takes horseback-riding lessons," bragged one.

"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.

Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"

hUMOR For December 15th

Adoption
The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an
end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful
Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college
so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What
ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so,
when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."
**********
One Christmas, a parent decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.
As a result their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.
The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.
"How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."
**********

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read...
MAIN ENTRANCE.
*********
Thanks to Larry Clott for today's CleanPun.
The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it. After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny's had an odd element in it.
"Johnny, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?
"It's the flea, teacher."
"What flea?" asked the teacher.
To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse: "Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt. There's Mary; there's Jesus; and there's the flea."

hUMOR For December 14th

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A minister is visiting his children to celebrate Christmas. When he walks into the house, he sees a beautiful nativity set.
His granddaughter walks up to him, and he asks her if she knows what it is.
She replies, "Yes... it's breakable."
********************************
As I was checking my 401(k) account and thinking about retirement, I saw an article about nursing and retirement homes are.

Then it hit me. No nursing home for me!

Here is my plan: I'm checking into the Holiday Inn.

With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient.

Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling.

There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.

The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.

Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.

Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too.

TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?

When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees.
Most standard rooms have coffee makers, reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon.

After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day.

Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends.

Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7.

Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night!

So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin.
Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn!
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Away From His Desk
A fellow, who frequently left the office to play golf, instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.
After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information. The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.
"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "Is he five miles away from his desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from his desk?"
***********************

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met a young lady of excellent character and virtue that interested him very much. What should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great idea, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."

hUMOR For December 13th

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*Seasonal Ways of Calling Someone A Goober*
- A couple of slates short of a full roof.
- A few pies short of a holiday.
- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
- All wax and no wick.
- Batteries not included.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- Chimney's clogged.
- Got his brains as a stocking filler.
- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
- Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
- A few presents short of a full sleigh.
********************************
*Seasonal Ways of Calling Someone A Goober*
- A couple of slates short of a full roof.
- A few pies short of a holiday.
- A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
- All wax and no wick.
- Batteries not included.
- Bright as Alaska in December.
- Chimney's clogged.
- Got his brains as a stocking filler.
- Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
- Several nuts over fruitcake minimum.
- A few presents short of a full sleigh.
********************************
My sister has the courage--but not always the skills--to tackle any home-repair project.

For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Dianne, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.

"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.

"Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?" Dianne suggested.