*******************************
Here is today's Clean Pun.
Sweets are the destiny that shapes our ends.
*******************************
When I went with my daughter to visit a prestigious university, our student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. She told us that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended my daughter apply early to improve her chances for admission.
"We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school."
After the tour I asked our guide, "So, why did you choose this school?"
"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."
*******************************
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals.
She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.
In Jane's freezer now you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that
say: "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
*******************************
Benefits of Being Over Sixty
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.
*******************************
College Graduate
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager.
"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how."
******************************************************
The End of the Journey by Bob Craig
I'm walking down a lonely road,
It's time to go to sleep.
A gentle hand will guide me on,
Up the mountain steep.
His hand will steady,
My shuffling feet,
His staff will point,
Where two paths meet,
The right hand path,
Will lead me on,
As I shuffle toward,
My journey home.
The door will open,
And my eyes will behold,
The amazing heaven,
About which I've told
A thousand times,
Ten thousand people,
My words were inadequate,
My efforts feeble.
Here is my city,
Where roses never decay,
Here is my city,
Just as I've dreamed each day.
My Master walks beside me,
My Father welcomes me home,
My loved ones greet me warmly,
My eternity has begun.
******************************************************
A Farmer's Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
******************************************************
LOVING THE UNLOVELY
The author of this touching story is unknown:
The little church building's aisles swelled with the unusually large gathering until there were no more pews to squeeze into. A few more latecomers shuffled down the aisle and leaned against the wall.
Then I noticed Andy's entrance. His smile beamed with a special joy until he saw that "his" spot on the back row was filled. Regular attendees usually left the seat empty, knowing that Andy would arrive late from the home for the mentally handicapped. Confusion masked his face as the opening song ended and he had found no place to sit. With characteristic simplicity Andy made his way up the center aisle to the large clearing just below the podium. He lowered his huge body to the floor, crossing his legs Indian style.
As the rest of us sat down, another man, a leader in the church for many years, left his place in the pew and started up the center aisle toward Andy. It took a long time for Marvin to reach the front. Respect for this eighty-year-old servant, much loved by all of us, or perhaps sheer curiosity, brought a hush over the whole church. Even the minister gripped the sides of the podium and watched. Slowly Marvin shifted his lean frame onto his cane and lowered his aged body to the floor beside Andy.
With tears in his eyes, the minister closed his Bible over his sermon notes. "Our sermon has just been preached," he said.
*******************************
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Sept. 7 hUMOR
Bulletin Bloopers*
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order.
************************
Thank-You Notes
My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's
extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up
address labels for her postcards. This time, I figured I'd done her one
better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written my thank-you
notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying.They're all stamped and ready
to go."
My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those
little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"
************************
Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie.
To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown.
This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
****************************************************
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of caracter. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man turned and looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
************************
Mathematical Miracles
One of the biggest mathematical miracles in the world centers on Moses and the people of Israel. Moses and the people of Israel were in the desert, but what was he going to do with them? They had to be fed, and feeding 3 or 3 1/2 million people would require a lot of food. According to the Quartermaster General of the Army, it is reported that Moses would have to have 1500 tons of food each day. Did you know that to bring that amount of food each day, two freight trains, each a mile long, would be required? Besides, you must remember, they were out in the desert, and they would have to have firewood to cook the food. This would take 4000 tons of wood and a few more freight trains, each a mile long, for one day. And just to think, they were forty years in transit. Oh, yes, they would have to have water. If they only had enough to drink and wash a few dishes, it would take 11,000,000 gallons each day, and a freight train with tank cars
11.8 miles long, just to bring water.
They had no lakes, and only a few wells. How were they to get water? And then another thing . . . ! They had to get across the Red Sea in one night. Now if they went on a narrow path, double file, the line would be 800 miles long and would require 35 days and nights to get through.
So, there had to be space in the Red Sea 3 miles wide so they could walk 5000 abreast to get over in one night.
But, then, another problem. . . . Every time they camped at the end of the day, a campground 2/3's the size of Rhode Island, or a total of 750 square miles, was needed. That comprises an area 25 miles wide and 30 miles long. Think of it! This space just for nightly camping.
Do you think Moses figured all this out before he left? Think not. You see, Moses believed in God, and that God was going to take care of these things for him. Let us take courage, we have the same God!
******************************************************
THOUGHTS WORTH REPEATING...
Temptation is the tempter looking through the keyhole into the room where you are living; sin is your drawing back the bolt and making it possible for him to enter. J.Wilbur Chapman
Bigness in God's sight is measured in terms of Quality, not quantity.
Death is not a period but a comma in the story of life.
God writes with a pen that never blots, speaks with a tongue that never slips, and acts with a hand that never fails.
******************************************************
My apologies to Blondes everywhere:
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has
$1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
******************************************************
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order.
************************
Thank-You Notes
My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's
extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up
address labels for her postcards. This time, I figured I'd done her one
better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written my thank-you
notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying.They're all stamped and ready
to go."
My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those
little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"
************************
Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie.
To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown.
This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
****************************************************
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of caracter. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man turned and looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
************************
Mathematical Miracles
One of the biggest mathematical miracles in the world centers on Moses and the people of Israel. Moses and the people of Israel were in the desert, but what was he going to do with them? They had to be fed, and feeding 3 or 3 1/2 million people would require a lot of food. According to the Quartermaster General of the Army, it is reported that Moses would have to have 1500 tons of food each day. Did you know that to bring that amount of food each day, two freight trains, each a mile long, would be required? Besides, you must remember, they were out in the desert, and they would have to have firewood to cook the food. This would take 4000 tons of wood and a few more freight trains, each a mile long, for one day. And just to think, they were forty years in transit. Oh, yes, they would have to have water. If they only had enough to drink and wash a few dishes, it would take 11,000,000 gallons each day, and a freight train with tank cars
11.8 miles long, just to bring water.
They had no lakes, and only a few wells. How were they to get water? And then another thing . . . ! They had to get across the Red Sea in one night. Now if they went on a narrow path, double file, the line would be 800 miles long and would require 35 days and nights to get through.
So, there had to be space in the Red Sea 3 miles wide so they could walk 5000 abreast to get over in one night.
But, then, another problem. . . . Every time they camped at the end of the day, a campground 2/3's the size of Rhode Island, or a total of 750 square miles, was needed. That comprises an area 25 miles wide and 30 miles long. Think of it! This space just for nightly camping.
Do you think Moses figured all this out before he left? Think not. You see, Moses believed in God, and that God was going to take care of these things for him. Let us take courage, we have the same God!
******************************************************
THOUGHTS WORTH REPEATING...
Temptation is the tempter looking through the keyhole into the room where you are living; sin is your drawing back the bolt and making it possible for him to enter. J.Wilbur Chapman
Bigness in God's sight is measured in terms of Quality, not quantity.
Death is not a period but a comma in the story of life.
God writes with a pen that never blots, speaks with a tongue that never slips, and acts with a hand that never fails.
******************************************************
My apologies to Blondes everywhere:
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has
$1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
******************************************************
Monday, September 06, 2004
Enjoy
Here is today's CleanLaugh.
A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"Aw, Dad, it's okay" the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
**********************************************
Misunderstanding: We were asked to dinner by a new friend. When we sat down at the table, we noticed that the dishes were dirty.
"Were these dishes washed?", I asked the hostess as I rubbed my fingers over the surface.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
I felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating anyway.
Dinner was delicious, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
**********************************************
Meet You in Heaven
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?", the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?", her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
******************************************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids to their homes when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "the dog's for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants!"
*********************************************
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment - shave, manicure, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a tie to wear to the party," he said.
"I'll be backin a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
*********************************************
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations do not go together:
A nose ring and bifocals
Spiked hair and bald spots
A pierced tongue and dentures
Miniskirts and support hose
Ankle bracelets and corn pads
A bellybutton ring and a gallbladder surgery scar
Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
Bikinis and liver spots
Short shorts and varicose veins
In-line skates and a walker
A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"Aw, Dad, it's okay" the son said. "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
**********************************************
Misunderstanding: We were asked to dinner by a new friend. When we sat down at the table, we noticed that the dishes were dirty.
"Were these dishes washed?", I asked the hostess as I rubbed my fingers over the surface.
She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".
I felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating anyway.
Dinner was delicious, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"
**********************************************
Meet You in Heaven
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?", the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?" "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill.
And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?", her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
******************************************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids to their homes when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "the dog's for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants!"
*********************************************
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment - shave, manicure, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a tie to wear to the party," he said.
"I'll be backin a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was done and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
*********************************************
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations do not go together:
A nose ring and bifocals
Spiked hair and bald spots
A pierced tongue and dentures
Miniskirts and support hose
Ankle bracelets and corn pads
A bellybutton ring and a gallbladder surgery scar
Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
Bikinis and liver spots
Short shorts and varicose veins
In-line skates and a walker
Sunday, September 05, 2004
Today's hUMOR
After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the platoon stood in front of the barracks.
"All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would it be?"
Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row.
"My recruiter."
********************************************
3 Little Pigs
Three little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggys would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water"?
(You're gonna hate me for this.... hold onto your seat ....... at the risk of never receiving e-mail ever
again) The third piggy says "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"
******************************************************
FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE
a. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
b. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
c. Glock: The original point and click interface.
d. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
e. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
f. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
g. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
h. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
i. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
j. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.
k. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
l. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
m. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
n. Guns only have two enemies: rust and liberals.
o. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
p. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
q. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
r. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
s. Criminals love gun control - it makes their jobs safer.
t. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
u. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
v. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
w. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more.
x. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
y. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
z. "...a government of the people, by the people, for the people..."
******************************************************
Inner Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong If you can take criticism and blame without resentment If you can face the world without lies and deceit If you can conquer tension without medical help If you can relax without liquor If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, Then.....you are probably a cat or a dog.
"All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would it be?"
Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row.
"My recruiter."
********************************************
3 Little Pigs
Three little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggys would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water"?
(You're gonna hate me for this.... hold onto your seat ....... at the risk of never receiving e-mail ever
again) The third piggy says "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'"
******************************************************
FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE
a. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
b. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
c. Glock: The original point and click interface.
d. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
e. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
f. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
g. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
h. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
i. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
j. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.
k. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
l. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
m. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
n. Guns only have two enemies: rust and liberals.
o. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
p. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
q. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
r. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
s. Criminals love gun control - it makes their jobs safer.
t. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
u. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
v. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
w. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more.
x. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
y. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
z. "...a government of the people, by the people, for the people..."
******************************************************
Inner Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong If you can take criticism and blame without resentment If you can face the world without lies and deceit If you can conquer tension without medical help If you can relax without liquor If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, Then.....you are probably a cat or a dog.
Saturday, September 04, 2004
"THINGS TO REMEMBER....EVERYDAY"
"THINGS TO REMEMBER....EVERYDAY"
If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep.The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention.Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.The best vitamin for making friends....B1.The commandments of God are not multiple choice.The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.Minds are like parachutes...they function only when open.Ideas won't work unless YOU do.One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.Don't learn safety rules by accident.We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves.Jumping to conclusions can be bad exercise.A turtle makes progress when it sticks it's head out.One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.A friend walks in when everyone else walks out.AND FINALLY...The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!!!If you're too open-minded... your brains will fall out.
If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep.The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention.Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.The best vitamin for making friends....B1.The commandments of God are not multiple choice.The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.Minds are like parachutes...they function only when open.Ideas won't work unless YOU do.One thing you can't recycle is wasted time.One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.Don't learn safety rules by accident.We lie the loudest when we lie to ourselves.Jumping to conclusions can be bad exercise.A turtle makes progress when it sticks it's head out.One thing you can give and still keep...is your word.A friend walks in when everyone else walks out.AND FINALLY...The pursuit of happiness is the chase of a lifetime!!!If you're too open-minded... your brains will fall out.
The Pumpkin
The Pumpkin
A lady recently baptized was asked by a co-worker what it was like to be a Christian. She replied, 'It's like being a pumpkin: God saves you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off you may have gotten from the other pumpkins. Then he cuts the top off and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc., then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see. Passed on to me from another pumpkin.
A lady recently baptized was asked by a co-worker what it was like to be a Christian. She replied, 'It's like being a pumpkin: God saves you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off you may have gotten from the other pumpkins. Then he cuts the top off and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc., then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see. Passed on to me from another pumpkin.
No Place Like Home
No Place Like Home
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and
we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for
our family.
I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had
just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.
"He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and
we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for
our family.
I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had
just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.
"He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
Here is today's CleanPun.
Here is today's CleanPun.
A business man called a travel agent and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, the travel agent reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
The travel agent double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When the travel agent told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and everytime they have accepted my American Express or MasterCard."
A business man called a travel agent and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, the travel agent reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
The travel agent double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When the travel agent told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and everytime they have accepted my American Express or MasterCard."
Friday, September 03, 2004
Your hUMOR Daily Update
*Strange 911 Calls*
A call came into 911 Emergency because two couples were going to share a hotel room and there weren't enough towels.
A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Switzerland."
A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot. When asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. There's one man, and he's dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man who's laying on the ground and screaming 'You Ainta nothing but a hound dog.'"
Another person called to report he had the hiccups.
A thirteen-year-old boy called to report he had "stuff" coming from his navel. Paramedics examined the boy and all they found was belly-button lint.
A male complainant called and requested police call gas stations on all exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.
A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse in her house.
Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and is in a tree outside.
A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go by her house and report to him the owners of any cars, other than hers, in her driveway.
A man called to report he had a roach stuck in his ear.
*****************************************
Crossing the River
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging,
violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how
to do so.
The first man prayed saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross
this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able
to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple
of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the
strength...and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat
and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost
capsizing the boat twice.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools ... and the
intelligence ... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a
woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards,
then walked across the bridge.
***************************************
An Old Favorite:
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.
Here are some of the results:
God is like BAYER ASPIRIN ...He works miracles.
God is like a FORD ... He's got a better idea.
God is like COKE ... He's the real thing.
God is like HALLMARK CARDS ... He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like TIDE ... He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like GENERAL ELECTRIC ... He brings good things to life.
God is like SEARS ... He has everything.
God is like ALKA-SELTZER ... Try Him, you'll like him.
God is like SCOTCH TAPE ... You can't see him, but you know He's there.
God is like DELTA ... He's ready when you are.
God is like ALLSTATE ... You're in good hands with Him.
God is like VO-5 HAIR SPRAY ... He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like DIAL SOAP ... Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
******************************************************
INNER STRENGTH
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then you are probably a cat or a dog.
******************************************************
Are You a Potato, an Egg, or a Coffee Bean?
Once upon a time a daughter complained to her father that her life was miserable and that she didn't know how she was going to make it. She was tired of fighting and struggling all the time. It seemed just as one problem was solved, another one soon followed.
Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire.
Once the three pots began to boil, he placed potatoes in one pot, eggs in the second pot, and ground coffee beans in the third pot. He then let them sit and boil, without saying a word to his daughter. The daughter moaned and impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing.
After twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He took the potatoes out of the pot and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them a bowl.
He then ladled the coffee out and placed it in a cup.
Turning to her, he asked. "Daughter, what do you see?"
"Potatoes, eggs, and coffee," she hastily replied.
"Look closer", he said, "and touch the potatoes." She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. Its rich aroma brought a smile to her face.
"Father, what does this mean?" she asked. He then explained that the potatoes, the eggs and coffee beans had each faced the same adversity-- the boiling water.
However, each one reacted differently. The potato went in strong, hard, and unrelenting, but in boiling water, it became soft and weak. The egg was fragile, with the thin outer shell protecting its liquid interior until it was put in the boiling water. Then the inside of the egg became hard. However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were exposed to the boiling water, they changed the water and created something new.
"Which are you," he asked his daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a potato, an egg, or a coffee bean?" In life, things happen around us, things happen to us, but the only thing that truly matters is what happens within us.
Which one are you? When problems come (and they will) how will we react?
Will they make us weak, hard hearted or will they cause us to change them into something worthwhile?
******************************************************
A call came into 911 Emergency because two couples were going to share a hotel room and there weren't enough towels.
A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Switzerland."
A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot. When asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. There's one man, and he's dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man who's laying on the ground and screaming 'You Ainta nothing but a hound dog.'"
Another person called to report he had the hiccups.
A thirteen-year-old boy called to report he had "stuff" coming from his navel. Paramedics examined the boy and all they found was belly-button lint.
A male complainant called and requested police call gas stations on all exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.
A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse in her house.
Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and is in a tree outside.
A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go by her house and report to him the owners of any cars, other than hers, in her driveway.
A man called to report he had a roach stuck in his ear.
*****************************************
Crossing the River
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging,
violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how
to do so.
The first man prayed saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross
this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able
to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple
of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the
strength...and the tools to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat
and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost
capsizing the boat twice.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools ... and the
intelligence ... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a
woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards,
then walked across the bridge.
***************************************
An Old Favorite:
A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.
Here are some of the results:
God is like BAYER ASPIRIN ...He works miracles.
God is like a FORD ... He's got a better idea.
God is like COKE ... He's the real thing.
God is like HALLMARK CARDS ... He cares enough to send His very best.
God is like TIDE ... He gets the stains out that others leave behind.
God is like GENERAL ELECTRIC ... He brings good things to life.
God is like SEARS ... He has everything.
God is like ALKA-SELTZER ... Try Him, you'll like him.
God is like SCOTCH TAPE ... You can't see him, but you know He's there.
God is like DELTA ... He's ready when you are.
God is like ALLSTATE ... You're in good hands with Him.
God is like VO-5 HAIR SPRAY ... He holds through all kinds of weather.
God is like DIAL SOAP ... Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?
******************************************************
INNER STRENGTH
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then you are probably a cat or a dog.
******************************************************
Are You a Potato, an Egg, or a Coffee Bean?
Once upon a time a daughter complained to her father that her life was miserable and that she didn't know how she was going to make it. She was tired of fighting and struggling all the time. It seemed just as one problem was solved, another one soon followed.
Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire.
Once the three pots began to boil, he placed potatoes in one pot, eggs in the second pot, and ground coffee beans in the third pot. He then let them sit and boil, without saying a word to his daughter. The daughter moaned and impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing.
After twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He took the potatoes out of the pot and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them a bowl.
He then ladled the coffee out and placed it in a cup.
Turning to her, he asked. "Daughter, what do you see?"
"Potatoes, eggs, and coffee," she hastily replied.
"Look closer", he said, "and touch the potatoes." She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. Its rich aroma brought a smile to her face.
"Father, what does this mean?" she asked. He then explained that the potatoes, the eggs and coffee beans had each faced the same adversity-- the boiling water.
However, each one reacted differently. The potato went in strong, hard, and unrelenting, but in boiling water, it became soft and weak. The egg was fragile, with the thin outer shell protecting its liquid interior until it was put in the boiling water. Then the inside of the egg became hard. However, the ground coffee beans were unique. After they were exposed to the boiling water, they changed the water and created something new.
"Which are you," he asked his daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a potato, an egg, or a coffee bean?" In life, things happen around us, things happen to us, but the only thing that truly matters is what happens within us.
Which one are you? When problems come (and they will) how will we react?
Will they make us weak, hard hearted or will they cause us to change them into something worthwhile?
******************************************************
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Have a good day
Crate of Chickens
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
******************************************************
SUBSTITUTE PREACHER: A popular preacher got sick on a Sunday morning, and he called a retired minister and asked if he would preach the service for him. The substitute agreed but felt inadequate in filling in for such a good preacher. When he entered the pulpit, he struggled for a metaphor that would express his humility in his task.
"I feel inadequate in taking the place of your minister this morning. He is such a good preacher and brings light just like the sunlight through a clean pane of glass. I, on the other hand, am like a piece of cardboard that you have seen substituted for the pane in a window."
He went on and preached a pretty good sermon. At the door afterwards, a good sister gushed, "Preacher, you're no cardboard; you're a real pane..."
******************************************************
VAIN PRAYER, BRUTAL HONESTY: The preacher's little daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head for a minute before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why.
"Well, I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
******************************************************
If all the people who sleep in church were laid out end to end, they'd be more comfortable...
******************************************************
BORING... A preacher, known for long and boring sermons (are there really such preachers???), had been into a particularly tedious one for nearly an hour, when he stopped to scold the congregation.
"I know you think my sermons are long, but I've got something important to impart to you. Now, I don't mind you looking at your watches while I'm preaching, but I want you to know that I resent you shaking them to see if they're still running."
******************************************************
PERCEPTION: A mother and her son, who weren't regular churchgoers, went to visit a new congregation for Sunday morning service. On their way home the mother asked her son what he thought of the service.
"Well, I liked the music, but I thought the commercial was too long."
******************************************************
ECUMENISM: The Baptist preacher called a construction company to come and cut a hole in the outside wall of his office for an air conditioner. He waited, but they did not come. After a while he got a bill for the job. He called up to protest.
The voice on the other end of the phone said, "Just a minute."
After a bit he came back and said, "In the spirit of ecumenism, we cut a hole in the Catholic Church."
******************************************************
MINORITY: A certain fellow had a habit of going to sleep in church, which irritated the preacher. One Sunday, he decided to embarrass him. At the tail end of his sermon, when the offending parishioner was sleeping soundly, he asked everybody who thought they were going to heaven to stand up. Everyone stood up except the sleeping man. The preacher smiled slyly, told everyone to be seated, and then in a low voice said, "Now, everybody who thinks he's going to hell"
-- he paused, and then shouted -- "STAND UP!"
The sleeping man awoke and jumped to his feet. He looked around and saw that everybody else was seated, looked at the minister, and said, "I don't know what we're voting on, preacher, but it appears that you and me lost."
******************************************************
PASSING IT ON: A young preacher was working with a congregation at which one man, every Sunday, would have something negative to say. It didn't matter what the preacher spoke on, this man always criticized it.
One Sunday he said, "That's about the sorriest sermon I ever heard."
The next Sunday the man came by and said, "Do you call that a sermon?"
The third Sunday he said, "That is about the nearest nothing sermon I think I ever heard."
The preacher got so upset that he went to the elders and said, "Gentlemen, every Sunday this man has some negative comment to make about my preaching."
One of them said, "Oh, don't pay any attention to him.
He's just a half-wit. All he can say is what he repeats from other people..."
******************************************************
FULL OF HOT AIR: A church, desiring to keep up with the times, removed the paper towel racks in their bathrooms and replaced them with electric hand dryers.
The very next week somebody put a little note on one of the devices that read, "Punch this button for a brief recorded message from our preacher."
******************************************************
WRONG NUMBER: One Sunday morning the preacher got up and was looking through the paper, reading the death notices, and lo and behold, there was his name. He thought, "I wonder if the elders have seen it?"
He got on the phone and called one of them, and said, "Have you read the morning paper yet?"
The elder said, "Yes, sir."
The preacher said, "Did you see my name in the death notices?"
The elder said, "Yes, I did. Where are you calling from?"
******************************************************
ANSWER: The Chaldeans stole shovels and spoons from the Hebrews -- II Kings 25:13-14 "And, the pillars of brass... did the Chaldeans break in pieces, and carried the brass of them to Babylon. And the pots, and the shovels, and the snuffers, and the spoons, ...took they away."
******************************************************
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
******************************************************
SUBSTITUTE PREACHER: A popular preacher got sick on a Sunday morning, and he called a retired minister and asked if he would preach the service for him. The substitute agreed but felt inadequate in filling in for such a good preacher. When he entered the pulpit, he struggled for a metaphor that would express his humility in his task.
"I feel inadequate in taking the place of your minister this morning. He is such a good preacher and brings light just like the sunlight through a clean pane of glass. I, on the other hand, am like a piece of cardboard that you have seen substituted for the pane in a window."
He went on and preached a pretty good sermon. At the door afterwards, a good sister gushed, "Preacher, you're no cardboard; you're a real pane..."
******************************************************
VAIN PRAYER, BRUTAL HONESTY: The preacher's little daughter noticed that her father always bowed his head for a minute before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why.
"Well, I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
******************************************************
If all the people who sleep in church were laid out end to end, they'd be more comfortable...
******************************************************
BORING... A preacher, known for long and boring sermons (are there really such preachers???), had been into a particularly tedious one for nearly an hour, when he stopped to scold the congregation.
"I know you think my sermons are long, but I've got something important to impart to you. Now, I don't mind you looking at your watches while I'm preaching, but I want you to know that I resent you shaking them to see if they're still running."
******************************************************
PERCEPTION: A mother and her son, who weren't regular churchgoers, went to visit a new congregation for Sunday morning service. On their way home the mother asked her son what he thought of the service.
"Well, I liked the music, but I thought the commercial was too long."
******************************************************
ECUMENISM: The Baptist preacher called a construction company to come and cut a hole in the outside wall of his office for an air conditioner. He waited, but they did not come. After a while he got a bill for the job. He called up to protest.
The voice on the other end of the phone said, "Just a minute."
After a bit he came back and said, "In the spirit of ecumenism, we cut a hole in the Catholic Church."
******************************************************
MINORITY: A certain fellow had a habit of going to sleep in church, which irritated the preacher. One Sunday, he decided to embarrass him. At the tail end of his sermon, when the offending parishioner was sleeping soundly, he asked everybody who thought they were going to heaven to stand up. Everyone stood up except the sleeping man. The preacher smiled slyly, told everyone to be seated, and then in a low voice said, "Now, everybody who thinks he's going to hell"
-- he paused, and then shouted -- "STAND UP!"
The sleeping man awoke and jumped to his feet. He looked around and saw that everybody else was seated, looked at the minister, and said, "I don't know what we're voting on, preacher, but it appears that you and me lost."
******************************************************
PASSING IT ON: A young preacher was working with a congregation at which one man, every Sunday, would have something negative to say. It didn't matter what the preacher spoke on, this man always criticized it.
One Sunday he said, "That's about the sorriest sermon I ever heard."
The next Sunday the man came by and said, "Do you call that a sermon?"
The third Sunday he said, "That is about the nearest nothing sermon I think I ever heard."
The preacher got so upset that he went to the elders and said, "Gentlemen, every Sunday this man has some negative comment to make about my preaching."
One of them said, "Oh, don't pay any attention to him.
He's just a half-wit. All he can say is what he repeats from other people..."
******************************************************
FULL OF HOT AIR: A church, desiring to keep up with the times, removed the paper towel racks in their bathrooms and replaced them with electric hand dryers.
The very next week somebody put a little note on one of the devices that read, "Punch this button for a brief recorded message from our preacher."
******************************************************
WRONG NUMBER: One Sunday morning the preacher got up and was looking through the paper, reading the death notices, and lo and behold, there was his name. He thought, "I wonder if the elders have seen it?"
He got on the phone and called one of them, and said, "Have you read the morning paper yet?"
The elder said, "Yes, sir."
The preacher said, "Did you see my name in the death notices?"
The elder said, "Yes, I did. Where are you calling from?"
******************************************************
ANSWER: The Chaldeans stole shovels and spoons from the Hebrews -- II Kings 25:13-14 "And, the pillars of brass... did the Chaldeans break in pieces, and carried the brass of them to Babylon. And the pots, and the shovels, and the snuffers, and the spoons, ...took they away."
******************************************************
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Two goobers
Two goobers who wanted to invest $100 they won in the lottery. They went to a watermelon farmer they knew and bought 100 watermelons at $1.00 each. After finding a good place to park and sell the watermelons from their truck bed, they started selling them at $1.00 each. When they sold that load they went back to the farmer for more.
After selling several truck loads they counted their money and realized they still had only $100. After counting it several more times to be sure, Charlie said to Bobbie Jo, "This is getting us nowhere! We're just not making any more money here. We sold all our watermelons but we still only have $100. Something's wrong but I surely can't figure it out. "
Finally Bobbie Jo said to Charlie, "You goober, I was gonna let you figure it out, but you're just too dumb since you didn't even finish the third grade. It's as plain as the nose on your ugly face that the only way we can make money is to get a bigger truck!"
After selling several truck loads they counted their money and realized they still had only $100. After counting it several more times to be sure, Charlie said to Bobbie Jo, "This is getting us nowhere! We're just not making any more money here. We sold all our watermelons but we still only have $100. Something's wrong but I surely can't figure it out. "
Finally Bobbie Jo said to Charlie, "You goober, I was gonna let you figure it out, but you're just too dumb since you didn't even finish the third grade. It's as plain as the nose on your ugly face that the only way we can make money is to get a bigger truck!"
A blonde from a small town
Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.
"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.
"What are you doing up there?" she called back.
"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"
The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't.
If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!"
"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.
"What are you doing up there?" she called back.
"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"
The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't.
If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!"
Cafeteria Food
Cafeteria Food
Once when the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't
serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something,
so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter and
jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a
home cooked meal!"
Once when the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn't
serve a hot meal in the cafeteria. She had to feed the children something,
so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter and
jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a
home cooked meal!"
FELLOW CHRISTIAN
FELLOW CHRISTIAN: A preacher went hunting out in the woods, heard a noise behind him, turned, and there was a big bear reared up on his hind legs. The preacher cocked his gun, aimed, and pulled the trigger. The gun only clicked, and the bear started toward him. He dropped to his knees and prayed, "Lord, save me from this bear."
He looked up and the bear was still coming. He prayed again, "Lord, let this be a Christian bear."
He looked up again, and the bear was hunkered down praying, "Lord, bless this food for the needs of our body."
He looked up and the bear was still coming. He prayed again, "Lord, let this be a Christian bear."
He looked up again, and the bear was hunkered down praying, "Lord, bless this food for the needs of our body."
CHAIN PREACHERS
CHAIN PREACHERS: An elder received a letter that read, "If you are tired of your preacher, send a copy of this letter to seven other churches that are probably tired of their preachers. Then ship your preacher to the church at the top of the list. Add the name of your congregation to the bottom. In thirty days you will receive twenty-one hundred and seventy-eight preachers, and out of this many you ought to be able to choose one to suit you. Warning!
One church broke the chain and got their old preacher back..."
One church broke the chain and got their old preacher back..."
I WANT TO RESIGN
I WANT TO RESIGN
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy [Unable to display because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements.
I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause.............."Tag! You're it."
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple; When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy [Unable to display because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So . . . here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements.
I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause.............."Tag! You're it."
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Here is today's CleanPun.
Here is today's CleanPun.
A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids into armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself, "What on earth have I done?"
He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family?" So, he thought for a while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loaded them into his van and off he rushed to the local hospital.
He walked up and down the hospital hall and after some serious surgery, he asks the doctor, "Doc, how are they?"
The doctor replied, "Comfortable!"
A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids into armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself, "What on earth have I done?"
He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family?" So, he thought for a while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loaded them into his van and off he rushed to the local hospital.
He walked up and down the hospital hall and after some serious surgery, he asks the doctor, "Doc, how are they?"
The doctor replied, "Comfortable!"
TIME GETS BETTER WITH AGE
TIME GETS BETTER WITH AGE
Age 5
I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
Age 42
I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.
Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 51
I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
Age 72
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 90
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92
I've learned that you should pass this on to someone
you care about. Sometimes they just need a little
something to make them smile.
Age 5
I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
Age 42
I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply sending them a little note.
Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47
I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 51
I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
Age 72
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 90
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92
I've learned that you should pass this on to someone
you care about. Sometimes they just need a little
something to make them smile.
Tried and true
Tried and true
Once a couple were celebrating their 30th Wedding Anniversary.the kids were all there and friends,so the Husband lifted his glass and said, "Wife we have been married and I must say you have been tried and true."
Well the wife had a hearing problem so she said, "Haaaaa whatd Ya say?"
So again he said, "Wife we been Married 50 yr's and you have been tried and true, well everyone thought that was so sweet but she got mad and threw her glass and said, "WELL after 50 Yr's I'm tired of you to!!!!!! "
Once a couple were celebrating their 30th Wedding Anniversary.the kids were all there and friends,so the Husband lifted his glass and said, "Wife we have been married and I must say you have been tried and true."
Well the wife had a hearing problem so she said, "Haaaaa whatd Ya say?"
So again he said, "Wife we been Married 50 yr's and you have been tried and true, well everyone thought that was so sweet but she got mad and threw her glass and said, "WELL after 50 Yr's I'm tired of you to!!!!!! "
Why Are You Here?
Why Are You Here?
Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle. "I'm
here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the
eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"
"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun
violin lessons."
Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle. "I'm
here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the
eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"
"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun
violin lessons."
I'm a counsellor
I'm a counsellor who helps coordinate support groups for visually-impaired adults.
Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it difficult for them to distinguish facial features.
I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself.
Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me well, I jokingly said, "For those of you who can't see me, I've been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford."
Immediately, one woman called out, "We're not THAT blind!"
Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it difficult for them to distinguish facial features.
I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself.
Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me well, I jokingly said, "For those of you who can't see me, I've been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford."
Immediately, one woman called out, "We're not THAT blind!"
Monday, August 30, 2004
ONE DAY AT A TIME
ONE DAY AT A TIME
You can only live one day at a time.
To try to do more makes it all out of rhyme.
It causes some fretting, as well as some worry, With all of the hustle, bustle and scurry.
Lighting the candle so it burns at both ends Brightens the darkness, but some trouble portends.
And, fails to erase the shadow of truth
Which makes twice the age and vanishes youth
You can only live one day at a time.
To try to do more makes it all out of rhyme.
It causes some fretting, as well as some worry, With all of the hustle, bustle and scurry.
Lighting the candle so it burns at both ends Brightens the darkness, but some trouble portends.
And, fails to erase the shadow of truth
Which makes twice the age and vanishes youth
BIRTHDAYS, ONE BY ONE
BIRTHDAYS, ONE BY ONE
Though years may come and years may go,
And birthdays---one by one,
And, though each day we older get
We still can have our fun.
Just because we're growing older
Doesn't mean we must lose our senses
For, if our get up is getting up and going, We just change the verbal tenses.
We reminisce 'bout times gone by,
And of all the good wishes sent
By friends who wanted our get up to stay, (But instead of staying it went).
Now, as I said three verses ago
When this poem had just begun,
That, though each day, we older get,
We still can have our fun.
We kick up our heels as high as ever
And frolic the whole night through,
Even if it's in our minds,
Thinking of what we used to do.
Though years may come and years may go,
And birthdays---one by one,
And, though each day we older get
We still can have our fun.
Just because we're growing older
Doesn't mean we must lose our senses
For, if our get up is getting up and going, We just change the verbal tenses.
We reminisce 'bout times gone by,
And of all the good wishes sent
By friends who wanted our get up to stay, (But instead of staying it went).
Now, as I said three verses ago
When this poem had just begun,
That, though each day, we older get,
We still can have our fun.
We kick up our heels as high as ever
And frolic the whole night through,
Even if it's in our minds,
Thinking of what we used to do.
BALD HEADED MEN
BALD HEADED MEN
Some men have a full head of hair;
With others there is a lack.
Those with abundance aren't always fair
And throw the bald ones a lot of flack,
Like---"an empty shack needs no roof",
Or---"granite grows no grass".
From such ones I stay aloof
For it sounds like belching gas.
To the first I say, "no roof lets in light, Therefore, I'm not in the dark.
To understand is pure delight".
That stops that vile remark.
To the next remark I simply say,
"You could have let that statement pass.
As well as granite, a brain is gray,
And a busy street grows no grass".
So, listen, all you bald headed men,
Don't be ashamed of your dome.
Don't accept a blow to your chin
Just because you need no comb.
'Cause next I say what the smart aleck dreads And all his remarks are smothered, "God only made a few perfect heads And those are the ones He uncovered".
By L. B. Strawn
October 22,1987
******************************************************
A JOURNEY
Some day I shall take a journey
Down "The River Of No Return",
To be tried without an attorney
By the judge of all, for whom I yearn.
The journey will not be unexpected,
But one I desire with all of my heart.
With proper preparation, I'll be protected From danger which might tear me apart.
If the book, called the bible, is true,
And I surely believe it to be,
The verdict which I know will ensue,
Is one which will set me free.
Free from the toils and burdens of life, Free from all sorrow and pain, Never to know earthly turmoil or strife; Never to feel any heartaches, again.
For the judge will be the son of God,
The loving savior whom we call Jesus,
Who came from heaven; on this earth He trod; In obeying His word, from sin He frees us.
So, at the end of the journey down that river, The righteous judge will greet me and smile, For He'll be the "Eternal Life" giver---- While living on earth was my trial!
Some men have a full head of hair;
With others there is a lack.
Those with abundance aren't always fair
And throw the bald ones a lot of flack,
Like---"an empty shack needs no roof",
Or---"granite grows no grass".
From such ones I stay aloof
For it sounds like belching gas.
To the first I say, "no roof lets in light, Therefore, I'm not in the dark.
To understand is pure delight".
That stops that vile remark.
To the next remark I simply say,
"You could have let that statement pass.
As well as granite, a brain is gray,
And a busy street grows no grass".
So, listen, all you bald headed men,
Don't be ashamed of your dome.
Don't accept a blow to your chin
Just because you need no comb.
'Cause next I say what the smart aleck dreads And all his remarks are smothered, "God only made a few perfect heads And those are the ones He uncovered".
By L. B. Strawn
October 22,1987
******************************************************
A JOURNEY
Some day I shall take a journey
Down "The River Of No Return",
To be tried without an attorney
By the judge of all, for whom I yearn.
The journey will not be unexpected,
But one I desire with all of my heart.
With proper preparation, I'll be protected From danger which might tear me apart.
If the book, called the bible, is true,
And I surely believe it to be,
The verdict which I know will ensue,
Is one which will set me free.
Free from the toils and burdens of life, Free from all sorrow and pain, Never to know earthly turmoil or strife; Never to feel any heartaches, again.
For the judge will be the son of God,
The loving savior whom we call Jesus,
Who came from heaven; on this earth He trod; In obeying His word, from sin He frees us.
So, at the end of the journey down that river, The righteous judge will greet me and smile, For He'll be the "Eternal Life" giver---- While living on earth was my trial!
Sunday, August 29, 2004
Preacher Jokes
A preacher stayed with a farm couple on a Saturday night before preaching on Sunday. The wife got up early to cook a huge breakfast, and then called her husband and the preacher. The preacher came down but said, "I never eat before I preach."
The man and woman ate, and then the woman and the preacher went on to church. The man stayed home.
When the wife returned her husband asked how the sermon was.
"He could have et first..." the woman said.
******************************************************
A man got up in the middle of the preacher's sermon and walked out. After services, his embarrassed wife sought to explain to the preacher.
"I hope you don't think he disagreed with what you said. He just has a tendency to walk in his sleep."
******************************************************
The preacher was waxing eloquent at the funeral of a departed church member. He concluded by saying, "What we have here is just the shell. The nut has gone on."
I think that might have been an illustration that got out of hand.
******************************************************
A bunch of "men of leisure" were sitting around a country store discussing the selection of a new pope, which was then in process. One old fellow listened for a while and then said, "Well, I think the Catholics have had it long enough. I hope a Baptist gets it this time."
******************************************************
Two fishermen were out in a boat on a Sunday morning, not having too much luck. One of them got to thinking about what they were doing and said, "I feel bad being out here fishing when I ought to be in church."
"Yes, I know how you feel," the other said, "but I couldn't have gone anyway. My wife's sick."
******************************************************
One man reported that his grandmother was so hooked on the TV soap operas that when one of the characters got sick, she'd stand up in church and ask for prayers for them...
******************************************************
This preacher had delivered what he thought was a great sermon, and he was feeling good on the way home.
"How many great preachers do you think there are preaching today?" he asked his wife.
"One less than you think," she answered.
******************************************************
From: a friend -- (it is only humor and I hope that you are not easily offended...) "Church Service"
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.?
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach".
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind. The preacher shouted out, "Cross" !
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross".
The preacher hollered out "Grace". The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The preacher said, "Power". The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood".
The Preacher said, "Sex". The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden from way in the back of the church a little 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing " Precious Memories."
******************************************************
The man and woman ate, and then the woman and the preacher went on to church. The man stayed home.
When the wife returned her husband asked how the sermon was.
"He could have et first..." the woman said.
******************************************************
A man got up in the middle of the preacher's sermon and walked out. After services, his embarrassed wife sought to explain to the preacher.
"I hope you don't think he disagreed with what you said. He just has a tendency to walk in his sleep."
******************************************************
The preacher was waxing eloquent at the funeral of a departed church member. He concluded by saying, "What we have here is just the shell. The nut has gone on."
I think that might have been an illustration that got out of hand.
******************************************************
A bunch of "men of leisure" were sitting around a country store discussing the selection of a new pope, which was then in process. One old fellow listened for a while and then said, "Well, I think the Catholics have had it long enough. I hope a Baptist gets it this time."
******************************************************
Two fishermen were out in a boat on a Sunday morning, not having too much luck. One of them got to thinking about what they were doing and said, "I feel bad being out here fishing when I ought to be in church."
"Yes, I know how you feel," the other said, "but I couldn't have gone anyway. My wife's sick."
******************************************************
One man reported that his grandmother was so hooked on the TV soap operas that when one of the characters got sick, she'd stand up in church and ask for prayers for them...
******************************************************
This preacher had delivered what he thought was a great sermon, and he was feeling good on the way home.
"How many great preachers do you think there are preaching today?" he asked his wife.
"One less than you think," she answered.
******************************************************
From: a friend -- (it is only humor and I hope that you are not easily offended...) "Church Service"
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.?
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach".
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind. The preacher shouted out, "Cross" !
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross".
The preacher hollered out "Grace". The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The preacher said, "Power". The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood".
The Preacher said, "Sex". The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden from way in the back of the church a little 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing " Precious Memories."
******************************************************
Saturday, August 28, 2004
*Grandpa And The Computer* & Short Ones
*Grandpa And The Computer*
The computer swallowed GrandpaYes honestly, its true.He pressed 'control' and 'enter'And disappeared from view.
It's devoured him completelyThe thought just makes me squirm.Maybe he's caught a virusOr been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle binAnd files of every kind.I've even used the internetBut nothing could I find.
I asked Jeeves in desperationMy searches to refine.The reply from him was negativeNot a thing was found online.
So, if someday in your 'InBox'My Grandpa you should see.Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' himIn an e-mail back to me.
******************************************************
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. She said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
"Somebody else's pants," said the little boy.
******************************************************
Joe said: Did you hear about Jerry Falwell's accident?
Phil: No, what happened?
Joe: He was out walking his pet duck and a motorboat ran over him.
******************************************************
An old lady went to church and heard a young minister preach. When she got out, somebody asked her what she thought of his preaching.
She said, "He spoke in true apostolic style. He took a text and went everywhere preaching the gospel."
(Sen. Sam J. Ervin, Jr. Morganton, North Carolina).
******************************************************
A priest went home with a family of new converts to Catholicism for dinner. He was received cordially by all but the small daughter in the family, who stared at him unblinkingly throughout the meal. The priest, somewhat uncomfortable, tried to to put the little girl at ease.
"Is it my collar you are staring at?" he asked, taking it off and holding it up. When he did so he saw the cleaning instructions on the inside of the collar, and to make conversation, he asked, "Do you know what it says here?"
"Yes," responded the little girl. "It says, 'Kills fleas for six months."
******************************************************
A young preacher was invited into a church to preach a "trial sermon", with the understanding that he might be hired as the full-time preacher. He liked the looks of the church, and he liked the people.
Everything was fine at the beginning of the service, with the hymns and the prayer. As the young preacher mounted the pulpit, however, an old man came in, followed by a huge Redbone hound. He sat down on the front row, and his dog plopped down beside him. The young preacher thought this was unusual, but he read his text and launched his sermon, at which point the hound let out a huge yawn with a yip at the end. This interrupted the preacher, but he began again. The dog began to scratch a flea, his leg whacking the floor with each lick, and the preacher stopped again and asked if someone would take the dog outside. Neither the old man nor anyone else moved, so the preacher started in again. The dog let out a growl and a deep bark, disturbed at something he heard outside. Again the preacher stopped and again asked if someone would take the dog outside. When no one responded, he got down from the pulpit, took the dog by the collar, led him outside, and closed the door behind him.
Returning to the pulpit, he preached a pretty good sermon. After the service he asked the elders how he had done.
"Well," one of them said, "You preached a right good sermon. I believe you're all right there, but you really shouldn't have taken Old Man Johnson's dog out.
I know the dog disturbed you, but you know, Mr.
Johnson is a faithful member of this church and a very good giver. He always brings his dog to church. He loves that dog, and we're used to it, and it don't bother us to have him here. I think you ought to apologize to Mr. Johnson for throwing his dog out like that. I believe you better do that."
So the young preacher approached the old man outside and said, "I'm sorry I put your dog out. The elders told me how much you think of your dog and how you always bring him to church. I'm real sorry I did that, and I hope you'll accept my apology."
"Oh, that's all right," the old man said. "I wouldn't have wanted my dog to hear that sermon anyhow..."
**********************************
The computer swallowed GrandpaYes honestly, its true.He pressed 'control' and 'enter'And disappeared from view.
It's devoured him completelyThe thought just makes me squirm.Maybe he's caught a virusOr been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle binAnd files of every kind.I've even used the internetBut nothing could I find.
I asked Jeeves in desperationMy searches to refine.The reply from him was negativeNot a thing was found online.
So, if someday in your 'InBox'My Grandpa you should see.Please 'Scan', 'Copy' and 'Paste' himIn an e-mail back to me.
******************************************************
A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. She said, "If you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found another one, what would you have?"
"Somebody else's pants," said the little boy.
******************************************************
Joe said: Did you hear about Jerry Falwell's accident?
Phil: No, what happened?
Joe: He was out walking his pet duck and a motorboat ran over him.
******************************************************
An old lady went to church and heard a young minister preach. When she got out, somebody asked her what she thought of his preaching.
She said, "He spoke in true apostolic style. He took a text and went everywhere preaching the gospel."
(Sen. Sam J. Ervin, Jr. Morganton, North Carolina).
******************************************************
A priest went home with a family of new converts to Catholicism for dinner. He was received cordially by all but the small daughter in the family, who stared at him unblinkingly throughout the meal. The priest, somewhat uncomfortable, tried to to put the little girl at ease.
"Is it my collar you are staring at?" he asked, taking it off and holding it up. When he did so he saw the cleaning instructions on the inside of the collar, and to make conversation, he asked, "Do you know what it says here?"
"Yes," responded the little girl. "It says, 'Kills fleas for six months."
******************************************************
A young preacher was invited into a church to preach a "trial sermon", with the understanding that he might be hired as the full-time preacher. He liked the looks of the church, and he liked the people.
Everything was fine at the beginning of the service, with the hymns and the prayer. As the young preacher mounted the pulpit, however, an old man came in, followed by a huge Redbone hound. He sat down on the front row, and his dog plopped down beside him. The young preacher thought this was unusual, but he read his text and launched his sermon, at which point the hound let out a huge yawn with a yip at the end. This interrupted the preacher, but he began again. The dog began to scratch a flea, his leg whacking the floor with each lick, and the preacher stopped again and asked if someone would take the dog outside. Neither the old man nor anyone else moved, so the preacher started in again. The dog let out a growl and a deep bark, disturbed at something he heard outside. Again the preacher stopped and again asked if someone would take the dog outside. When no one responded, he got down from the pulpit, took the dog by the collar, led him outside, and closed the door behind him.
Returning to the pulpit, he preached a pretty good sermon. After the service he asked the elders how he had done.
"Well," one of them said, "You preached a right good sermon. I believe you're all right there, but you really shouldn't have taken Old Man Johnson's dog out.
I know the dog disturbed you, but you know, Mr.
Johnson is a faithful member of this church and a very good giver. He always brings his dog to church. He loves that dog, and we're used to it, and it don't bother us to have him here. I think you ought to apologize to Mr. Johnson for throwing his dog out like that. I believe you better do that."
So the young preacher approached the old man outside and said, "I'm sorry I put your dog out. The elders told me how much you think of your dog and how you always bring him to church. I'm real sorry I did that, and I hope you'll accept my apology."
"Oh, that's all right," the old man said. "I wouldn't have wanted my dog to hear that sermon anyhow..."
**********************************
Friday, August 27, 2004
Hello.....
Hello.....
The proprietor of a small village drugstore was called out one sleepy
summer morning, leaving the establishment temporarily under the sole
management of a very young, and very uneducated, clerk. "Just answer the
phone if it rings, Jim," instructed the proprietor.
The phone rang. "Hello," said the clerk.
"Do you have streptomycin and aureomycin?" asked a voice at the other end.
The clerk scratched his head, then said, "Ma'am, when I said 'Hello' I told
you everything I know!"
The proprietor of a small village drugstore was called out one sleepy
summer morning, leaving the establishment temporarily under the sole
management of a very young, and very uneducated, clerk. "Just answer the
phone if it rings, Jim," instructed the proprietor.
The phone rang. "Hello," said the clerk.
"Do you have streptomycin and aureomycin?" asked a voice at the other end.
The clerk scratched his head, then said, "Ma'am, when I said 'Hello' I told
you everything I know!"
Short ones
******************************************************
What did the surprised hen say after laying a square egg? "Ouch!!!"
******************************************************
Two old timers were nodding off in their chairs at the nursing home. Their wives thought they'd play a little trick on them so they streaked by naked in front of the dozing men. Opening one eye, the first old timer said, "Henry, did you see what I just saw?"
"I'm not quite sure," replied Henry, "but whatsoever it was sure needed ironing."
******************************************************
One day a man went to see his friend on a farm. The friend showed him around, and when they came to the pigpen there was a pig with a wooden leg.
After a while the man asked his friend about the unusual pig. He was told, "One night that pig woke us up, busting down the door, squealing. The house was on fire. He saved our lives. Another time, my tractor overturned, pinning me to the ground. Nobody was around; I thought I was a goner. Well, here come that pig running. He grunted and pushed till he got the tractor off me."
"Amazing", the man told his farmer-friend, "but why the wooden leg?"
The farmer replied, "You don't eat a great pig like that all at one time..."
******************************************************
Joe, while walking down a country road one time, saw a man struggling to hold a pig up in a tree. Not wanting to appear nosey, he walked on by without saying a word. Later that day he came back down the same road and there was the same man still struggling to hold that pig up to a tree.
"My dear man", Joe said, "Isn't that a dreadful waste of time?"
The man replied, "What's time to a pig?"
******************************************************
Two men, who were known for their "less-than-truthful"
approach to reporting their lives, were bragging to each other one day. One said that he'd been ocean fishing and caught a 500-pound fish.
The second one said that he too had been fishing. He hooked what he thought was a big fish, but it turned out to be a lantern from the Titanic, and, he said, "It was still lit!"
The first one pondered this story for a minute and said, "I'll take 200 pounds off that fish I caught if you blow out the lantern."
******************************************************
A rural woman went into town to see if she could get a loan to build a bathroom in her house. She had never been in a bank, so she was nervous. She got right to the point with the bank president. "I want to borrow a thousand dollars to put a bathroom in my house."
The president was cautious and responded, "I don't believe I know you. Where have you done your business before?"
"Oh, out back in the pine thicket," she replied.
******************************************************
Young Politician:
A blacksmith was shaping red-hot horseshoes on his anvil and throwing them down on the ground to cool. A local boy wandered up, reached down, and picked up one of the half-cooled shoes. He quickly dropped it.
The blacksmith asked slyly, "Was it hot?" "No, it just dont take me long to look at a horseshoe."
******************************************************
The revenue officers came by this house in the mountains and asked a small boy where his daddy was.
"Making whiskey," the boy said.
"Where?"
"I'll show you for ten dollars," the boy said.
"Ok, let's go."
"Pay me first."
"No, we'll pay you when we get back," the revenuer said.
"You'll have to pay me now," the boy said, "'cause if you go up there, you ain't coming back!"
******************************************************
What did the surprised hen say after laying a square egg? "Ouch!!!"
******************************************************
Two old timers were nodding off in their chairs at the nursing home. Their wives thought they'd play a little trick on them so they streaked by naked in front of the dozing men. Opening one eye, the first old timer said, "Henry, did you see what I just saw?"
"I'm not quite sure," replied Henry, "but whatsoever it was sure needed ironing."
******************************************************
One day a man went to see his friend on a farm. The friend showed him around, and when they came to the pigpen there was a pig with a wooden leg.
After a while the man asked his friend about the unusual pig. He was told, "One night that pig woke us up, busting down the door, squealing. The house was on fire. He saved our lives. Another time, my tractor overturned, pinning me to the ground. Nobody was around; I thought I was a goner. Well, here come that pig running. He grunted and pushed till he got the tractor off me."
"Amazing", the man told his farmer-friend, "but why the wooden leg?"
The farmer replied, "You don't eat a great pig like that all at one time..."
******************************************************
Joe, while walking down a country road one time, saw a man struggling to hold a pig up in a tree. Not wanting to appear nosey, he walked on by without saying a word. Later that day he came back down the same road and there was the same man still struggling to hold that pig up to a tree.
"My dear man", Joe said, "Isn't that a dreadful waste of time?"
The man replied, "What's time to a pig?"
******************************************************
Two men, who were known for their "less-than-truthful"
approach to reporting their lives, were bragging to each other one day. One said that he'd been ocean fishing and caught a 500-pound fish.
The second one said that he too had been fishing. He hooked what he thought was a big fish, but it turned out to be a lantern from the Titanic, and, he said, "It was still lit!"
The first one pondered this story for a minute and said, "I'll take 200 pounds off that fish I caught if you blow out the lantern."
******************************************************
A rural woman went into town to see if she could get a loan to build a bathroom in her house. She had never been in a bank, so she was nervous. She got right to the point with the bank president. "I want to borrow a thousand dollars to put a bathroom in my house."
The president was cautious and responded, "I don't believe I know you. Where have you done your business before?"
"Oh, out back in the pine thicket," she replied.
******************************************************
Young Politician:
A blacksmith was shaping red-hot horseshoes on his anvil and throwing them down on the ground to cool. A local boy wandered up, reached down, and picked up one of the half-cooled shoes. He quickly dropped it.
The blacksmith asked slyly, "Was it hot?" "No, it just dont take me long to look at a horseshoe."
******************************************************
The revenue officers came by this house in the mountains and asked a small boy where his daddy was.
"Making whiskey," the boy said.
"Where?"
"I'll show you for ten dollars," the boy said.
"Ok, let's go."
"Pay me first."
"No, we'll pay you when we get back," the revenuer said.
"You'll have to pay me now," the boy said, "'cause if you go up there, you ain't coming back!"
******************************************************
Marvin
Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00am if you ever want to see your wife alive again."
But it was well after 1:00pm by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot.
A masked man stepped out from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I'm a 27 handicap."
But it was well after 1:00pm by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot.
A masked man stepped out from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?"
"Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard.
"I'm a 27 handicap."
Why Universities Would Never Give God A PHD
Why Universities Would Never Give God A PHD
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
A couple
A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out. The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explaining to the tazi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"*************************While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jason and his wife, Maureen, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. "He addressed the men, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Jason leaned over, touched Maureen's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?" And thus began Jason's life of celibacy*****************KEYS LOCKED IN THE CAR Some folks went to their local car dealer to pick up their new car.Unfortunately, as they arrived, they were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in the car. A mechanic was working feverishly to unlock the door.As the new owners looked on, one of them reached down and tried the passenger door. Wouldn't you know, it was unlocked. "Excuse me," said the new owner, "but this door is open.""Oh, I know," said the mechanic. "I already got *that* side."******************A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her why she wore the bracelet. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs. I get hives if I eat them,"The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"The girl said, "I don't know.... I don't eat cats."*****************A policeman was on patrol when he came upon a line of cars stopped at a light with horns blasting. The light directing that lane of traffic was green. He pulled out of line and stopped alongside of the first car in line to see what the problem was. An elderly woman drove the car. He asked her why she was stopped when the light was green.She said, "Oh, because I'm on my way to my sister's house which is that way." and she pointed to the right.The motorcycle cop said, "Well go ahead! The light is green."The elderly woman responded with, "Yes I know, but the sign under the light says 'RIGHT TURN ONLY ON RED!"*********************
Creative Accounting A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Creative Accounting A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" "I'm going to raffle him off." "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
An old fellow
An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time.
"But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time.
"But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"
Isn't It Strange ?
Isn't It Strange ?
Isn't it strange how a 20 dollar bill seems like such a large amount when you donate it to church, but such a small amount when you go shopping?
Isn't it strange how 2 hours seem so long when you're at church, and how short they seem when you're watching a good movie?
Isn't it strange that you can't find a word to say when you're praying, but you have no trouble thinking what to talk about with a friend?
Isn't it strange how difficult and boring it is to read one chapter of the Bible, but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a popular novel?
Isn't it strange how everyone wants front-row-tickets to concerts or games, but they do whatever is possible to sit at the last row in Church?
Isn't it strange how we need to know about an event for Church 2-3 weeks before the day so we can include it in our agenda, but we can adjust it for other events in the last minute?
Isn't it strange how difficult it is to learn a fact about God to share it with others, but how easy it is to learn, understand, extend and repeat gossip?
Isn't it strange how we believe everything that magazines and newspapers say, but we question the words in the Bible?
Isn't it strange how everyone wants a place in heaven, but they don't want to believe, do, or say anything to get there?
Isn't it strange how a 20 dollar bill seems like such a large amount when you donate it to church, but such a small amount when you go shopping?
Isn't it strange how 2 hours seem so long when you're at church, and how short they seem when you're watching a good movie?
Isn't it strange that you can't find a word to say when you're praying, but you have no trouble thinking what to talk about with a friend?
Isn't it strange how difficult and boring it is to read one chapter of the Bible, but how easy it is to read 100 pages of a popular novel?
Isn't it strange how everyone wants front-row-tickets to concerts or games, but they do whatever is possible to sit at the last row in Church?
Isn't it strange how we need to know about an event for Church 2-3 weeks before the day so we can include it in our agenda, but we can adjust it for other events in the last minute?
Isn't it strange how difficult it is to learn a fact about God to share it with others, but how easy it is to learn, understand, extend and repeat gossip?
Isn't it strange how we believe everything that magazines and newspapers say, but we question the words in the Bible?
Isn't it strange how everyone wants a place in heaven, but they don't want to believe, do, or say anything to get there?
Here is today's CleanPun.
Here is today's CleanPun.
What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays awake all night wondering if there is a dog.
What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays awake all night wondering if there is a dog.
Quiet Please
Quiet Please
My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My
ten-year-old niece answered the phone.
"Hello," she whispered.
"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.
"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.
"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.
"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.
"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the
way?"
Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."
My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My
ten-year-old niece answered the phone.
"Hello," she whispered.
"Hi, Honey. How's your mother doing?" I asked.
"She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.
"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.
"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.
"Well, don't wake her. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the
way?"
Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Caution
Caution
A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were
discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as,
"Take with food," and "Take with water."
At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels.
Days later he noticed that one member of the class had struck one of them
onto his chemistry textbook. It read: "Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness."
A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were
discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as,
"Take with food," and "Take with water."
At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels.
Days later he noticed that one member of the class had struck one of them
onto his chemistry textbook. It read: "Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness."
A parish priest
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic. Sooo.....the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of this parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of this parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here 25 years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
Two bowling teams
Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City.
The brunette team rode in the bottom deck of the bus and the blonde team rode on the top level. The brunette team down below was whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realized she didn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. The brunette asked, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes said, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
The brunette team rode in the bottom deck of the bus and the blonde team rode on the top level. The brunette team down below was whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realized she didn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. The brunette asked, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes said, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
After about three weeks in basic training
After about three weeks in basic training, my husband's unit was not measuring up to expectations. The sergeant threatened to send them all back three weeks to start over.
Apparently, at least one new soldier was already reconsidering his career choice. As the sergeant's threat hung in the air, an annoymous voice called out,
"How about sending us back FOUR weeks?"
Apparently, at least one new soldier was already reconsidering his career choice. As the sergeant's threat hung in the air, an annoymous voice called out,
"How about sending us back FOUR weeks?"
At the construction site of a new church
At the construction site of a new church, the contractor stopped to chat with one of his workmen. "Patty," he asked casually, "didn't you once tell me that you had a brother who was a bishop?"
"That I did."
"And you are a bricklayer. It sure is a funny world. Things in life aren't divided equally, are they?"
"No, that they ain't," agreed Patty, as he proudly slapped the mortar along the line of bricks. "My poor brother couldn't do this to save his life."
"That I did."
"And you are a bricklayer. It sure is a funny world. Things in life aren't divided equally, are they?"
"No, that they ain't," agreed Patty, as he proudly slapped the mortar along the line of bricks. "My poor brother couldn't do this to save his life."
Seven months pregent
Seven months pregent, my hand on my aching back, I stood in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity.
"Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve."
The man in front of me piped up, "You'd better get used to it now. Once those young 'uns get on your nerves, they can stay there till they're 18."
"Honey," said a woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy. I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve."
The man in front of me piped up, "You'd better get used to it now. Once those young 'uns get on your nerves, they can stay there till they're 18."
The Plea
The Plea
Working for a Judge in a common pleas court, I saw many criminal
defendants. One man facing drug charges proved unusually helpful.
To determine the exact quantity of the illegal substance allegedly sold,
the judge asked the prosecutor how many grams there are in an ounce.
As both attorneys checked their notes, the defendant, who had not yet
entered his plea, proudly announced, "There are 28.3 grams in an ounce,
your honor."
His attorney advised him to plead guilty.
Working for a Judge in a common pleas court, I saw many criminal
defendants. One man facing drug charges proved unusually helpful.
To determine the exact quantity of the illegal substance allegedly sold,
the judge asked the prosecutor how many grams there are in an ounce.
As both attorneys checked their notes, the defendant, who had not yet
entered his plea, proudly announced, "There are 28.3 grams in an ounce,
your honor."
His attorney advised him to plead guilty.
Monday, August 23, 2004
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles."
A honeymoon couple
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned, asked "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!"
Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them."
The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "AHA!"
Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you complained of the chandelier falling on them."
UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM FOOTBALL
UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM FOOTBALL
PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
1. Foreign Language: What language is spoken in France?
2. History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
-OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Literature: Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. Religion: What religion is the Pope? (circle only
one)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
5. Metric Conversion: How many feet equal 0.0 meters?
6. Physics: What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. Religion: How many commandments were Moses given?
(approximately)
8. Geography: What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners 9. American History: Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton.
10. European History: Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.
Name the previous five.
11. Natural Science: Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky 12. Advanced Physics: Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no 13. Philosophy: What are coat hangers used for?
14. Political Science: The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Physics: Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Architecture: Where is the basement in a three-story building located?
17. Agricultural Science: Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin 18. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. Communications: What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
IMPORTANT! You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.
PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
1. Foreign Language: What language is spoken in France?
2. History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions
-OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Literature: Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. Religion: What religion is the Pope? (circle only
one)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
5. Metric Conversion: How many feet equal 0.0 meters?
6. Physics: What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. Religion: How many commandments were Moses given?
(approximately)
8. Geography: What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners 9. American History: Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton.
10. European History: Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth.
Name the previous five.
11. Natural Science: Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky 12. Advanced Physics: Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no 13. Philosophy: What are coat hangers used for?
14. Political Science: The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Physics: Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Architecture: Where is the basement in a three-story building located?
17. Agricultural Science: Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin 18. Advanced math: If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. Communications: What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?
IMPORTANT! You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
*A Florida Blessing*
*A Florida Blessing* Bless this house, oh Lord, we cryPlease keep it cool in mid-July. Bless the walls where termites dine,While ants and roaches march in time.Bless our yard where spiders passFire ant castles in the grass. Bless the garage, a home to pleaseCarpenter beetles,Ticks and fleas.Bless the love bugs, two by two,The gnats and mosquitoes that feedOn you millions of creatures that fly or crawl,In Florida, Lord, you've put ! them all!!But this is home,And here we'll stay,So thank you Lord,For insect spray
One blonde asks another:
One blonde asks another:
"Which is further, Vancouver... or the Moon?"
The other replies: " HELLOOOOO, can you see Vancouver????? ! ! ! ! !"
"Which is further, Vancouver... or the Moon?"
The other replies: " HELLOOOOO, can you see Vancouver????? ! ! ! ! !"
Saturday, August 21, 2004
A customer
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
New One Liners...
New One Liners...
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
Big Bad John
Big Bad John
Every mornin' on the Hill you could see him arrive Standing six-foot-four, weighing one-twenty-five Kinda' scrawny at the shoulders and lacking a spine And when he spoke at all, it was mainly to whine (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John)
Nobody seems to know what's in John's soul His 'beliefs' are based on the latest poll 'Though he'll say what it takes to get your votes It's the leftist agenda that he really promotes - (Big John)
Some one said he came from Boston town
Where he joined the Navy and gained renown 'Earning' three purple hearts and one bronze star The home folks said, "This boy will go far"
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Then came a day back in '71
When he renounced all the medals that he had won Then turned against his country and his Navy friends And sold them out for his own selfish ends (Big John)
He appeared before Congress and on left-wing talk shows Giving aid and comfort to America's foes It was clear to see whose side he was on Some say he helped cause the fall of Saigon Big John (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
He claims to be for the working poor
Yet he owns 5 mansions from shore to shore He never had to work a day in his life 'cause he learned it helps to have a wealthy wife! - (Big John)
Now he wants to be our next President
and Commander-in-chief of those he resents:
The American soldiers who fight and die To give him the freedom to tell us his lies (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Thousands have sacrificed their young lives To help ensure that our nation survives A vote for Kerry is a slap in the face To all the brave soldiers that he's disgraced (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Author Unknown -- and it's a shame, 'cause whoever it was took a known standard and made current application ... While we are not political here at Daily Humor, we do run material that is political. I will not run something I find offensive, or that I think is outside the realm of humor. I think the above is representative of the views of many and is humorous as well and so it is included here. More will most likely follow... it usually does as an election draws near. Send yours in and I'll happily look it over.
Every mornin' on the Hill you could see him arrive Standing six-foot-four, weighing one-twenty-five Kinda' scrawny at the shoulders and lacking a spine And when he spoke at all, it was mainly to whine (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John)
Nobody seems to know what's in John's soul His 'beliefs' are based on the latest poll 'Though he'll say what it takes to get your votes It's the leftist agenda that he really promotes - (Big John)
Some one said he came from Boston town
Where he joined the Navy and gained renown 'Earning' three purple hearts and one bronze star The home folks said, "This boy will go far"
(Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Then came a day back in '71
When he renounced all the medals that he had won Then turned against his country and his Navy friends And sold them out for his own selfish ends (Big John)
He appeared before Congress and on left-wing talk shows Giving aid and comfort to America's foes It was clear to see whose side he was on Some say he helped cause the fall of Saigon Big John (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
He claims to be for the working poor
Yet he owns 5 mansions from shore to shore He never had to work a day in his life 'cause he learned it helps to have a wealthy wife! - (Big John)
Now he wants to be our next President
and Commander-in-chief of those he resents:
The American soldiers who fight and die To give him the freedom to tell us his lies (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Thousands have sacrificed their young lives To help ensure that our nation survives A vote for Kerry is a slap in the face To all the brave soldiers that he's disgraced (Big John, Big John) Big Bad John (Big John)
Author Unknown -- and it's a shame, 'cause whoever it was took a known standard and made current application ... While we are not political here at Daily Humor, we do run material that is political. I will not run something I find offensive, or that I think is outside the realm of humor. I think the above is representative of the views of many and is humorous as well and so it is included here. More will most likely follow... it usually does as an election draws near. Send yours in and I'll happily look it over.
"You Might be a Preacher if..."
"You Might be a Preacher if..."
1. You hesitate to tell people what you do for a living.
2. You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover you were.
3. You've wondered why people couldn't die at more appropriate times.
4. You find yourself counting people at a sporting event.
5. You're leading the church into the 21st century, but you don't know what you are preaching on Sunday.
6. A church picnic is no picnic.
7. You've ever spoken for free and were worth every penny of it.
8. You drive a Buick (any car) with more than 100,000 miles on it.
9. People sleep while you're talking.
10. It's Sunday, but Monday's coming.
11. You feel guilty when you go fishing.
12. Instead of being "ticked off," you get "grieved in your spirit."
13. You've been tempted to take an offering at a family reunion.
14. You jiggle all the commode handles at the church before you leave.
15. You'd rather talk to people with their heads bowed and every eye closed.
16. You've ever wanted to 'lay hands' on a deacon's neck.
1. You hesitate to tell people what you do for a living.
2. You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover you were.
3. You've wondered why people couldn't die at more appropriate times.
4. You find yourself counting people at a sporting event.
5. You're leading the church into the 21st century, but you don't know what you are preaching on Sunday.
6. A church picnic is no picnic.
7. You've ever spoken for free and were worth every penny of it.
8. You drive a Buick (any car) with more than 100,000 miles on it.
9. People sleep while you're talking.
10. It's Sunday, but Monday's coming.
11. You feel guilty when you go fishing.
12. Instead of being "ticked off," you get "grieved in your spirit."
13. You've been tempted to take an offering at a family reunion.
14. You jiggle all the commode handles at the church before you leave.
15. You'd rather talk to people with their heads bowed and every eye closed.
16. You've ever wanted to 'lay hands' on a deacon's neck.
Friday, August 20, 2004
*Things Not To Say to Your Pregnant Wife*
*Things Not To Say to Your Pregnant Wife*
17. "I finished the Oreos"
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that [insert beautiful movie actress' name here] had a baby!"
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl"
12. "I'd be surprised if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprize visit from that Richard Simmons fella.' 11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt!"
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Wow, you're awfully puffy looking today!"
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your calf is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
... and...
1. "You don't have the guts to throw that..........."
17. "I finished the Oreos"
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that [insert beautiful movie actress' name here] had a baby!"
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl"
12. "I'd be surprised if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprize visit from that Richard Simmons fella.' 11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt!"
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream."
6. "Wow, you're awfully puffy looking today!"
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your calf is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
... and...
1. "You don't have the guts to throw that..........."
Missing Equipment
Missing Equipment
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and
realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios
the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels
... just lean on each other until they arrive."
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and
realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios
the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels
... just lean on each other until they arrive."
Thursday, August 19, 2004
There was a couple who used to go to England
There was a couple who used to go to England to shop in the beautiful stores. They both liked antiques and pottery and especially teacups. This was their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. One day in this beautiful shop they saw a beautiful teacup. They said, "May we see that? We've never seen one quite so beautiful."
As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke. "You don't understand," it said. "I haven't always been a teacup. There was a time when I was red, and I was clay. My master took me and rolled me and patted me over and over and I yelled out, "let me alone, but he only smiled, "Not yet." "Then I was placed on a spinning wheel," the teacup said, "and suddenly I was spun around and around and around.
"Stop it! I'm getting dizzy!" I screamed.
But the master only nodded and said, 'Not yet.' Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I wondered why he wanted to burn me, and I yelled and knocked at the door. I could see him through the opening, and I could read his lips as He shook his head, "Not yet."
Finally the door opened, he put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. "There, that's better," I said. And he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. "Stop it, stop it!" I cried. He only nodded, "Not yet." Then suddenly he put me back into the oven, not like the first one. This was twice as hot, and I knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. All the time I could see him through the opening nodding his head saying, "Not yet."
Then I knew there wasn't any hope. I would never make it. I was ready to give up. But the door opened, and he took me out and placed me on the shelf. One hour later he handed me a mirror and said, "Look at yourself. And I did. I said, "That's not me; that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful."
"I want you to remember, then," he said, 'I know it hurts to be rolled and patted, but if I had left you alone, you'd have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I knew it hurt and was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked.
I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened; you would not have had any color in your life. And if I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't survive for very long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. You are what I had in mind when I first began with you."
MORAL: God knows what He's doing (for all of us). He is the Potter, and we are His clay. He will mold us and make us, so that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing, and perfect will. Author Unknown
As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke. "You don't understand," it said. "I haven't always been a teacup. There was a time when I was red, and I was clay. My master took me and rolled me and patted me over and over and I yelled out, "let me alone, but he only smiled, "Not yet." "Then I was placed on a spinning wheel," the teacup said, "and suddenly I was spun around and around and around.
"Stop it! I'm getting dizzy!" I screamed.
But the master only nodded and said, 'Not yet.' Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I wondered why he wanted to burn me, and I yelled and knocked at the door. I could see him through the opening, and I could read his lips as He shook his head, "Not yet."
Finally the door opened, he put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. "There, that's better," I said. And he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. "Stop it, stop it!" I cried. He only nodded, "Not yet." Then suddenly he put me back into the oven, not like the first one. This was twice as hot, and I knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. All the time I could see him through the opening nodding his head saying, "Not yet."
Then I knew there wasn't any hope. I would never make it. I was ready to give up. But the door opened, and he took me out and placed me on the shelf. One hour later he handed me a mirror and said, "Look at yourself. And I did. I said, "That's not me; that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful."
"I want you to remember, then," he said, 'I know it hurts to be rolled and patted, but if I had left you alone, you'd have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I knew it hurt and was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked.
I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened; you would not have had any color in your life. And if I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't survive for very long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. You are what I had in mind when I first began with you."
MORAL: God knows what He's doing (for all of us). He is the Potter, and we are His clay. He will mold us and make us, so that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing, and perfect will. Author Unknown
Once upon a time
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Texas, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling plains. The people from Texas are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known all throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the crazy bunch I'm putting next to them in Louisiana."
(NOTE: Being from Arkansas originally, I would never stop a Texan from knocking Louisiana or vice versa for that matter... got any good LA jokes???)
Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Texas, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling plains. The people from Texas are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known all throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the crazy bunch I'm putting next to them in Louisiana."
(NOTE: Being from Arkansas originally, I would never stop a Texan from knocking Louisiana or vice versa for that matter... got any good LA jokes???)
Here is today's CleanPun.
Here is today's CleanPun.
The judge asked his dentist:
"Will you drill the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?"
The judge asked his dentist:
"Will you drill the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?"
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
A guy arrives at the pearly gates
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"
"About three minutes ago."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"
"About three minutes ago."
A guy arrives at the pearly gates
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"
"About three minutes ago."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"
"About three minutes ago."
A guy arrives at the pearly gates
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"
"About three minutes ago."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"
"About three minutes ago."
Theme Park
Theme Park
One of the most endearing traits of children is their utter trust that their parents will provide them with all of life's necessities, meaning food, shelter, and a weekend at a theme park.
A theme park is a sort of ARTIFICIAL vacation, a place where you can enjoy all your favorite pastimes at once, such as motion sickness and heat exhaustion.
Adult tolerance for theme parks peaks at about an hour, which is how long it takes to walk from the parking lot to the front gate. You fork over an obscene amount of money to gain entrance to a theme park, though it costs nothing to leave (which is odd, because once you've been inside the walls for a while, you'd pay anything to escape).
The two main activities in a theme park are (a) standing in line, and (b) sweating. The sun reflects off the concrete with a fiendish lack of mercy--you're about to learn the boiling point of tennis shoes.
Your hair is sunburned, and when a small child in front of you gestures with her hand she smacks you in the face with her cotton candy; now it feels like your cheeks are covered with carnivorous sand.
The ride your children have selected for you is a corkscrewing, stomach-compressing roller coaster built by the same folks who manufactured the baggage delivery system at the Denver International Airport.
Apparently the theme of this particular park is "Nausea." You sit down and are strapped in so tightly you can feel your shoulders grinding against your pelvis.
Once the ride begins you are thrown about with such violence it reminds you of your teenager's driving.
When the ride is over your children want to get something to eat, but first the ride attendants have to pry your fingers off of the safety bar. "Open your eyes, please, sir," they keep shouting.
They finally convince you to let go, though it seems a bit discourteous of them to have used pepper spray.
Staggering, you follow your children to the Hot Dog Palace for some breakfast.
Food at a theme park is so expensive it would be cheaper to just eat your own money. Your son's meal costs a day's pay and consists of items manufactured of corn syrup, which is sugar, sucrose, which is sugar, fructose, which is sugar, and sugar, which is sugar. He also consumes large quantities of what in dog food would be called "meat by-products." When, after another couple of rides, he announces that he feels like he is going to throw up, you're very alarmed--having seen his meal once, you're in no mood to see it again.
With the exception of that first pummeling, you manage to stay off the rides all day, explaining to your children that it isn't good for you when your internal organs are forcibly rearranged. Now, though, they coax you back in line, promising a ride that doesn't twist, doesn't hang you upside down like a bat, doesn't cause your brain to flop around inside your skull--it just goes up and then comes back down. That's it, Dad, no big deal.
What they don't tell you is HOW it comes back down.
You're strapped into a seat and pulled gently up into acrophobia, the city falling away from you. Okay, not so bad, and in the conversation you're having with God you explain that you're thankful for the wonderful view but you really would like to get down now.
And that's just how you descend: NOW. Without warning, you plummet to the ground in an uncontrolled free fall. You must be moving faster than the speed of sound because when you open your mouth, nothing comes out. Your life passes before your eyes, and your one regret is that you will not have an opportunity to punish your children for bringing you to this horrible place.
Brakes cut in and you slam to a stop. You gingerly touch your face to confirm it has fallen off. "Wasn't that fun, dad?" your kids ask. "Why are you kissing the ground?"
At the end of the day, you let your teenager drive home. (After the theme park, you are impervious to
fear.)
One of the most endearing traits of children is their utter trust that their parents will provide them with all of life's necessities, meaning food, shelter, and a weekend at a theme park.
A theme park is a sort of ARTIFICIAL vacation, a place where you can enjoy all your favorite pastimes at once, such as motion sickness and heat exhaustion.
Adult tolerance for theme parks peaks at about an hour, which is how long it takes to walk from the parking lot to the front gate. You fork over an obscene amount of money to gain entrance to a theme park, though it costs nothing to leave (which is odd, because once you've been inside the walls for a while, you'd pay anything to escape).
The two main activities in a theme park are (a) standing in line, and (b) sweating. The sun reflects off the concrete with a fiendish lack of mercy--you're about to learn the boiling point of tennis shoes.
Your hair is sunburned, and when a small child in front of you gestures with her hand she smacks you in the face with her cotton candy; now it feels like your cheeks are covered with carnivorous sand.
The ride your children have selected for you is a corkscrewing, stomach-compressing roller coaster built by the same folks who manufactured the baggage delivery system at the Denver International Airport.
Apparently the theme of this particular park is "Nausea." You sit down and are strapped in so tightly you can feel your shoulders grinding against your pelvis.
Once the ride begins you are thrown about with such violence it reminds you of your teenager's driving.
When the ride is over your children want to get something to eat, but first the ride attendants have to pry your fingers off of the safety bar. "Open your eyes, please, sir," they keep shouting.
They finally convince you to let go, though it seems a bit discourteous of them to have used pepper spray.
Staggering, you follow your children to the Hot Dog Palace for some breakfast.
Food at a theme park is so expensive it would be cheaper to just eat your own money. Your son's meal costs a day's pay and consists of items manufactured of corn syrup, which is sugar, sucrose, which is sugar, fructose, which is sugar, and sugar, which is sugar. He also consumes large quantities of what in dog food would be called "meat by-products." When, after another couple of rides, he announces that he feels like he is going to throw up, you're very alarmed--having seen his meal once, you're in no mood to see it again.
With the exception of that first pummeling, you manage to stay off the rides all day, explaining to your children that it isn't good for you when your internal organs are forcibly rearranged. Now, though, they coax you back in line, promising a ride that doesn't twist, doesn't hang you upside down like a bat, doesn't cause your brain to flop around inside your skull--it just goes up and then comes back down. That's it, Dad, no big deal.
What they don't tell you is HOW it comes back down.
You're strapped into a seat and pulled gently up into acrophobia, the city falling away from you. Okay, not so bad, and in the conversation you're having with God you explain that you're thankful for the wonderful view but you really would like to get down now.
And that's just how you descend: NOW. Without warning, you plummet to the ground in an uncontrolled free fall. You must be moving faster than the speed of sound because when you open your mouth, nothing comes out. Your life passes before your eyes, and your one regret is that you will not have an opportunity to punish your children for bringing you to this horrible place.
Brakes cut in and you slam to a stop. You gingerly touch your face to confirm it has fallen off. "Wasn't that fun, dad?" your kids ask. "Why are you kissing the ground?"
At the end of the day, you let your teenager drive home. (After the theme park, you are impervious to
fear.)
The Speeder
The Speeder
A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull over for speeding.
As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy."
The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no more."
A minister was forced to stop by a traffic cop to pull over for speeding.
As the cop was about to write the ticket, the minister said to him, "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy."
The cop handed the minister the ticket and said, "Go thou and sin no more."
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Seven Wonders of the World
Seven Wonders of the World
A group of Geography students studied the Seven Wonders of the World. At the end of that section, the students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:
1. Egypt's Great Pyramids,
2. Taj Mahal,
3. Grand Canyon,
4. Panama Canal,
5. Empire State Building,
6. St. Peter's Basilica,
7. China's Great Wall.
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student, a quiet girl, hadn't turned in her paper yet.
So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.
The quiet girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."
The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."
The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:
1. to touch
2. to taste
3. to see
4. to hear."
She hesitated a little, "and then
5. to run
6. to laugh
7. and to love."
It is far too easy for us to look at the exploits of man and refer to them as "wonders" while we overlook all God has done, regarding them as merely "ordinary."
May you be reminded today of those things which are truly wondrous.
A group of Geography students studied the Seven Wonders of the World. At the end of that section, the students were asked to list what they considered to be the Seven Wonders of the World. Though there was some disagreement, the following got the most votes:
1. Egypt's Great Pyramids,
2. Taj Mahal,
3. Grand Canyon,
4. Panama Canal,
5. Empire State Building,
6. St. Peter's Basilica,
7. China's Great Wall.
While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student, a quiet girl, hadn't turned in her paper yet.
So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.
The quiet girl replied, "Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind because there were so many."
The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help."
The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:
1. to touch
2. to taste
3. to see
4. to hear."
She hesitated a little, "and then
5. to run
6. to laugh
7. and to love."
It is far too easy for us to look at the exploits of man and refer to them as "wonders" while we overlook all God has done, regarding them as merely "ordinary."
May you be reminded today of those things which are truly wondrous.
Official ID Card
Official ID Card
My husband, a U.S. Coast Guard pilot, was on an exchange tour with the
Royal Navy in England. Everyone who drove through the base's gates was
required to hold an official ID card up to the windshield for inspection by
the guards.
As a friendly competition, my husband's squadron started flashing different
forms of ID, such as a driver's license, just to see how far they could go
to fool the busy guards.
The winner? The fellow who breezed past waving a piece of toast.
My husband, a U.S. Coast Guard pilot, was on an exchange tour with the
Royal Navy in England. Everyone who drove through the base's gates was
required to hold an official ID card up to the windshield for inspection by
the guards.
As a friendly competition, my husband's squadron started flashing different
forms of ID, such as a driver's license, just to see how far they could go
to fool the busy guards.
The winner? The fellow who breezed past waving a piece of toast.
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