One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn
some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to
draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that
attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress
up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the
cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can
sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger
crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire
of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that
the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to
his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the
top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to
the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime
a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day
when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime
is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime
is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the
lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling,
"Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds
himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says....
...."Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
Saturday, July 10, 2004
TWO LITTLE BEES
Two little bees sittin side by side,
One turned around to the other and cried, "You don't love me any more", said she, "You're actin' like a human, you crazy bee".
"You flit around from flower to flower,
Leaving me alone for hour after hour.
I'm beginning to think the flowers you see Most likely hold another honey bee."
"You never show me any more affection
So you must have another love connection.
Now, this I say, as a matter of fact,
If you don't watch out you're gonna get whacked."
"At the time we started our family
You said that I was you're honey bee
And from that time I've always been true; But can you say the same about you?"
"You must get back on the straight and narrow So I wont be burdened with so much sorrow.
If not, in the future some trouble is loomin', So, please settle down; don't act so human."
Then the other little bee got his turn to speak, "Listen to me, baby, though you think me weak, If you'll let me talk, I'll tell you the truth, Even though you believe me to be uncouth."
"Yeah, I've been gone for many an hour,
And, as you said from flower to flower.
Where else can I go to find some honey,
'Cause unlike a human, we can't live on money."
I'm workin' real hard for you and the kids; Ain't had no time to look for blondes or reds, So, keep your cool and don't get so ired, 'Cause when I come home, I'm just plain tired."
"You talk about me actin' crazy and human, I gotta catch the flowers while they're still bloomin'.
So, I ask you, now, is it me or you?
It's fusses like this I don't wanna go through."
"You tend the kids and I'll fetch the honey, Even though, of late, I'm feelin' kinda' funny.
I've worked myself to the nub of my wings To make a good life full of all the good things."
"Now, like you said, I've also been true; There ain't nobody else for me but you, So, have some patience, don't be suspicious, Right next to honey, I think you're delicious."
Now, the first little bee had a chance to reply, "I'm sorry, sweet baby, and that no lie.
I didn't realize how hard you've been workin', And how my mind, in suspicion's been lurkin'."
"If you'll forgive me, I'll try to be good And I'll do my job, like a good wife should.
I'll stop my fretin' and fussin' and fumin'--- I guess it was me that was actin' so human."
So I'll get back on the straight and narrow, Stop causin' myself such sadness and sorrow.
I'll try to act right, and, to always please, 'Cause, for sure we're not humans; we're only bees.
Two little bees sittin side by side,
One turned around to the other and cried, "You don't love me any more", said she, "You're actin' like a human, you crazy bee".
"You flit around from flower to flower,
Leaving me alone for hour after hour.
I'm beginning to think the flowers you see Most likely hold another honey bee."
"You never show me any more affection
So you must have another love connection.
Now, this I say, as a matter of fact,
If you don't watch out you're gonna get whacked."
"At the time we started our family
You said that I was you're honey bee
And from that time I've always been true; But can you say the same about you?"
"You must get back on the straight and narrow So I wont be burdened with so much sorrow.
If not, in the future some trouble is loomin', So, please settle down; don't act so human."
Then the other little bee got his turn to speak, "Listen to me, baby, though you think me weak, If you'll let me talk, I'll tell you the truth, Even though you believe me to be uncouth."
"Yeah, I've been gone for many an hour,
And, as you said from flower to flower.
Where else can I go to find some honey,
'Cause unlike a human, we can't live on money."
I'm workin' real hard for you and the kids; Ain't had no time to look for blondes or reds, So, keep your cool and don't get so ired, 'Cause when I come home, I'm just plain tired."
"You talk about me actin' crazy and human, I gotta catch the flowers while they're still bloomin'.
So, I ask you, now, is it me or you?
It's fusses like this I don't wanna go through."
"You tend the kids and I'll fetch the honey, Even though, of late, I'm feelin' kinda' funny.
I've worked myself to the nub of my wings To make a good life full of all the good things."
"Now, like you said, I've also been true; There ain't nobody else for me but you, So, have some patience, don't be suspicious, Right next to honey, I think you're delicious."
Now, the first little bee had a chance to reply, "I'm sorry, sweet baby, and that no lie.
I didn't realize how hard you've been workin', And how my mind, in suspicion's been lurkin'."
"If you'll forgive me, I'll try to be good And I'll do my job, like a good wife should.
I'll stop my fretin' and fussin' and fumin'--- I guess it was me that was actin' so human."
So I'll get back on the straight and narrow, Stop causin' myself such sadness and sorrow.
I'll try to act right, and, to always please, 'Cause, for sure we're not humans; we're only bees.
A TALE OF TWO COWS
A TALE OF TWO COWS
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
CORPORATE: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.
DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man.
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
CORPORATE: You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.
DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man.
Friday, July 09, 2004
My Work Experience
My Work Experience
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ...
couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so
they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Mainly
because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my
life
but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I
couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on
my
net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool Maintenance company, but
the
work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was Fired because I wasn't up
to
it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (workout center), but they said I
wasn't
fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was
shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a
historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.
So I "RETIRED" and I found I am a perfect fit for this job!
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ...
couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so
they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it.
Mainly
because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my
life
but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I
couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on
my
net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool Maintenance company, but
the
work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was Fired because I wasn't up
to
it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (workout center), but they said I
wasn't
fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was
shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a
historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was
always the same old grind.
So I "RETIRED" and I found I am a perfect fit for this job!
My three year old son
My three year old son
My three year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was
on him constantly. One day, we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in--between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my
seven month-old daughter; she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had
not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said "No".
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident," and I didn't
have any clothes with me. Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not
have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had, because the smell
was getting worse.
So.........I asked one more time.
"Matt, did you have an accident?"
This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked down his
pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled...
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST GAS!!"
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled
up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was
mortified...but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when
they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had.
My three year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was
on him constantly. One day, we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in--between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While
enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my
seven month-old daughter; she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had
not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said "No".
I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident," and I didn't
have any clothes with me. Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not
have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had, because the smell
was getting worse.
So.........I asked one more time.
"Matt, did you have an accident?"
This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked down his
pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled...
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST GAS!!"
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled
up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was
mortified...but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when
they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had.
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Simpler times
Simpler times
(Under 40, you won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
Good night, David; Good night, Chet."
Dependin' on the channel you tuned
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good, felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train
Superman, Jimmy & Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night--
Life looked better in black and white.
I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothin is the way it seems
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too much fight,
I wanna go back to black and white
In God they trusted, in bed they slept.
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good, felt so right
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite If I could just turn back the clock tonight To when everybody knew wrong from right Life was better in black and white!
(Under 40, you won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
Good night, David; Good night, Chet."
Dependin' on the channel you tuned
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good, felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train
Superman, Jimmy & Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night--
Life looked better in black and white.
I wanna go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothin is the way it seems
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too much fight,
I wanna go back to black and white
In God they trusted, in bed they slept.
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good, felt so right
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite If I could just turn back the clock tonight To when everybody knew wrong from right Life was better in black and white!
Older Than Dirt Quiz
Older Than Dirt Quiz
Count all the ones that you remember - not the ones you were told about! The Ratings are at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle 5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P. F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (ESsex 3 -
2654) My Folks actual Phone Number when I was a kid living in Bremerton.
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Packard's
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0- 05 = You're still young 6-10 =You are getting older
11-15 = Don't tell your age,
16-25 = You're older than dirt!
Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends.
Count all the ones that you remember - not the ones you were told about! The Ratings are at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water 3. Candy cigarettes 4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle 5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers 7. Party lines 8. Newsreels before the movie 9. P. F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (ESsex 3 -
2654) My Folks actual Phone Number when I was a kid living in Bremerton.
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Packard's
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0- 05 = You're still young 6-10 =You are getting older
11-15 = Don't tell your age,
16-25 = You're older than dirt!
Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends.
How Many Do You Remember??
How Many Do You Remember??
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor Ignition switches on the dashboard Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall Real ice boxes [Ask your Mom about that] Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor Ignition switches on the dashboard Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall Real ice boxes [Ask your Mom about that] Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
HEY, JUST HOW OLD ARE YOU?
HEY, JUST HOW OLD ARE YOU?
My Dad was cleaning out my grandmother's house and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.
I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons.
Man, I am old.
My Dad was cleaning out my grandmother's house and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.
I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons.
Man, I am old.
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Men's Rules
Men's Rules
These are our rules! Please note ... each is numbered
"1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all; comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
These are our rules! Please note ... each is numbered
"1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all; comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Children And The Church
Children And The Church
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him,
"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said:
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
After a church service on Sunday morning,
a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided to become a minister When I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on
Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell,than
to sit and listen."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a
church service:
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash
against us."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me"
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
> > ?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon
dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the
car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,"That priest said he wanted us
brought up in a Christian home,and I want to stay with you guys!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their
favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an
airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to
represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary
Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said."But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
The Sunday School Teacher asks,
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies,
"I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A college drama group presented a play in which one character
would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into
hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would
open, and the character would plunge through.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part
became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.
When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the
stagehand
pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became
hopelessly stuck.
No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at
First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety
seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be
quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and
whispered,
'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place
and will have to start his sermon all over again!'
It worked."
> > ?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
This is the best one ...
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap
as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book
and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time
ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little
while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him,
"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said:
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
After a church service on Sunday morning,
a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided to become a minister When I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on
Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell,than
to sit and listen."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a
church service:
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash
against us."
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me"
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
> > ?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon
dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the
car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,"That priest said he wanted us
brought up in a Christian home,and I want to stay with you guys!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their
favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an
airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to
represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary
Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said."But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot.
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
The Sunday School Teacher asks,
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies,
"I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
A college drama group presented a play in which one character
would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into
hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would
open, and the character would plunge through.
The play was well received. When the actor playing the part
became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.
When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the
stagehand
pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became
hopelessly stuck.
No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at
First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety
seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be
quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and
whispered,
'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place
and will have to start his sermon all over again!'
It worked."
> > ?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,,o?º°'°º?o?º°'°º?o,,,
This is the best one ...
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap
as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book
and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time
ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little
while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed
"God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
Insurance Claims...
Insurance Claims...
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
The Holy Alphabet. This is Beautiful
The Holy Alphabet. This is Beautiful
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
J oy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
X alting God most high
Y es, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Z ion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
J oy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
X alting God most high
Y es, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Z ion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
Manners
Manners
A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.
In a restaurant for his meal, he sat near a group of young men.
After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman.
"Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"
The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"
A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.
In a restaurant for his meal, he sat near a group of young men.
After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman.
"Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"
The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"
Monday, July 05, 2004
My forgetter's getting better
My forgetter's getting better
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny but,
to me, that is no joke.
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there."
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain;
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself "who's that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
But my rememberer is broke.
To you that may seem funny but,
to me, that is no joke.
For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there."
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain;
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself "who's that?"
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
Misc. hUMOR
There was a lady who was visiting a church one Sunday.
The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the
congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very
sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting,
and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman yawned, "I'm glad it's done too!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to
empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked
the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY:
DEDICATED TO MISSING CHURCH ATTENDERS!
To make it possible for everyone
to attend church this Sunday, we are
going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for
those who say, "Sunday is my only
day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with
lounge chairs for those who feel
that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those
with tired eyes from watching TV
late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those
who say, "The roof would cave in if
I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those
who think the church is too cold,
and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those
who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in
attendance for those who can't go
to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship"
buttons for those that feel the church is
always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and
grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the
congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very
sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting,
and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman yawned, "I'm glad it's done too!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to
empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked
the obvious question, "Where did you get all that money?"
"At Sunday school," the boy replied nonchalantly. "They have bowls of it."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO EXCUSE SUNDAY:
DEDICATED TO MISSING CHURCH ATTENDERS!
To make it possible for everyone
to attend church this Sunday, we are
going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday":
Cots will be placed in the foyer for
those who say, "Sunday is my only
day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with
lounge chairs for those who feel
that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those
with tired eyes from watching TV
late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those
who say, "The roof would cave in if
I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those
who think the church is too cold,
and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those
who wish to list the hypocrites present.
Relatives and friends will be in
attendance for those who can't go
to church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship"
buttons for those that feel the church is
always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and
grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
Sunday, July 04, 2004
MEDICAL DAFFYNITIONS
MEDICAL DAFFYNITIONS
~ Artery: The study of painting
~ Bacteria: The back door of the cafeteria
~ Barium: What doctors do when their patients die
~ Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O or U
~ Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome
~ CAT Scan: Searching for a kitty
~ Cauterize: To make eye contact with a girl
~ Coma: A punctuation mark
~ Enema: Someone who is not your friend
~ Fester: Quicker
~ Fibula: A small lie
~ Labor Pain: When you get hurt at work
~ Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
~ Node: Was aware of
~ Outpatient: A patient who fainted
~ Pelvis: An Elvis impersonator
~ Recovery Room: A place to do upholstery
~ Secretion: Something you don't want anyone to know
~ Seizure: A Roman emperor
~ Tablet: A small table
~ Terminal: Where the planes land
~ Urine: Opposite of "you're out"
~ Varicose: Nearby
~ Vein: To be conceited
~ Artery: The study of painting
~ Bacteria: The back door of the cafeteria
~ Barium: What doctors do when their patients die
~ Bowel: A letter like A, E, I, O or U
~ Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome
~ CAT Scan: Searching for a kitty
~ Cauterize: To make eye contact with a girl
~ Coma: A punctuation mark
~ Enema: Someone who is not your friend
~ Fester: Quicker
~ Fibula: A small lie
~ Labor Pain: When you get hurt at work
~ Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
~ Node: Was aware of
~ Outpatient: A patient who fainted
~ Pelvis: An Elvis impersonator
~ Recovery Room: A place to do upholstery
~ Secretion: Something you don't want anyone to know
~ Seizure: A Roman emperor
~ Tablet: A small table
~ Terminal: Where the planes land
~ Urine: Opposite of "you're out"
~ Varicose: Nearby
~ Vein: To be conceited
I HOPE THIS STORY ISN'T TRUE
I HOPE THIS STORY ISN'T TRUE
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet
division for about a month when I had a customer with a problem I
just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other
colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only
true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a
combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color
in the rainbow printed except for yellow.
I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete
and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers
for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of
troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the
printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try
printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow
construction paper?"
THE COLON AND THE SEMICOLON
I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to
load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program.
My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no
good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that
every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he got the
"dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only
the very top of the key.
When I told him about the shift key he thought I was a genius.
WORDS TO LIVE BY
"Lead your life so you won't be ashamed
to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."
Will Rogers Jr.
LOOK OUT, HONEY!!
A man listening to the radio hears that a car is headed the wrong way
on a highway, forcing people off the road. He realizes his wife is on
that highway and quickly calls her on her cell phone.
"Honey, watch out because a car is going the wrong way and running
people off the road!"
She screams back, "It's not just one car! There are thousands of them!"
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet
division for about a month when I had a customer with a problem I
just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other
colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only
true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a
combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color
in the rainbow printed except for yellow.
I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete
and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my co-workers
for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of
troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the
printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try
printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow
construction paper?"
THE COLON AND THE SEMICOLON
I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to
load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program.
My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no
good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that
every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he got the
"dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only
the very top of the key.
When I told him about the shift key he thought I was a genius.
WORDS TO LIVE BY
"Lead your life so you won't be ashamed
to sell the family parrot to the town gossip."
Will Rogers Jr.
LOOK OUT, HONEY!!
A man listening to the radio hears that a car is headed the wrong way
on a highway, forcing people off the road. He realizes his wife is on
that highway and quickly calls her on her cell phone.
"Honey, watch out because a car is going the wrong way and running
people off the road!"
She screams back, "It's not just one car! There are thousands of them!"
Saturday, July 03, 2004
Old age can be mean!!
Old age can be mean!!
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy
preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling HerHoney, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years,
and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think
it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still
call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about
ten years ago."
A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy
preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling HerHoney, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years,
and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think
it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still
call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about
ten years ago."
OFFICE SUPPLIES
OFFICE SUPPLIES
- submitted by Hope
_____________________
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when
he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of
paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you
make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
- submitted by Hope
_____________________
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when
he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of
paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you
make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS
ODE TO SPELL CHECKERS
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PERMISSION: Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if
you're REAL nice, you'll tell them you got it from
www.MikeysFunnies.com!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.
Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.
And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PERMISSION: Yeah, you can send this Funny to anybody you want. And, if
you're REAL nice, you'll tell them you got it from
www.MikeysFunnies.com!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, July 02, 2004
An Assortment of hUMOR
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
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A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
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Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
------------------------------------------------------
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
------------------------------------------------------
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
Are ya havin' a Bad Day????
Are ya havin' a Bad Day????
Well, then, consider this...
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Well, then, consider this...
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
To all computer owners
To all computer owners
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless
inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless
inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T
I Can Relate To This!
WRITE THINGS DOWN
A couple in their nineties are having problems remembering things; they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen."
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You had better write it down 'cause you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream for cripes sakes!"
Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
A couple in their nineties are having problems remembering things; they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen."
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You had better write it down 'cause you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream for cripes sakes!"
Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Who is an American?
Who is an American?
You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.
So an Australian dentist wrote the following to let everyone know what an American is, so they would know when they found one. (Good on ya, mate!!!!)
An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani, or Afghan. An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as Native Americans.
An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses. An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.
An American is from the most prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each person the pursuit of happiness.
An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need. When Afghanistan was overrun by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!
As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan.
Americans welcome the best, the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best athletes. But they also welcome the least. The national symbol of America, the Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed.
These in fact are the people who built America. Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. I've been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 other countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.
So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and every bloodthirsty tyrant in the history of the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place; they are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom.
Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.
You probably missed it in the rush of news last week, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.
So an Australian dentist wrote the following to let everyone know what an American is, so they would know when they found one. (Good on ya, mate!!!!)
An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani, or Afghan. An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, Seminole or one of the many other tribes known as Native Americans.
An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim. In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses. An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.
An American is from the most prosperous land in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each person the pursuit of happiness.
An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need. When Afghanistan was overrun by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country!
As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan.
Americans welcome the best, the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best athletes. But they also welcome the least. The national symbol of America, the Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed.
These in fact are the people who built America. Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, 2001 earning a better life for their families. I've been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 other countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.
So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and every bloodthirsty tyrant in the history of the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place; they are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom.
Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.
An Old Favorite...
An Old Favorite...
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members) to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered to his bedroom.
As they entered his room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of his bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the lawyer were flattered and touched that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were however puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either of them.
Finally the lawyer asked, "Preacher why did you ask ther two of us to come."
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly. "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members) to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered to his bedroom.
As they entered his room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of his bed.
The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the lawyer were flattered and touched that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They were however puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either of them.
Finally the lawyer asked, "Preacher why did you ask ther two of us to come."
The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly. "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Humorous Saying
Humorous Saying - Author
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. - unknown A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." - courtesy of Jack Shea, jshumor@exis.net A bulldog can whip a skunk, but sometimes it's not worth it. - J. Nowell A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. - unknown A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - unknown A closed mouth gathers no feet. - Sam Horn A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple. - John Florio (1553-1625) A diplomat is one who thinks twice before saying nothing. - unknown A flatterer never seems absurd: the flatter'd always takes his word. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) A friend in need is a pest. - Arthur Daley in the popular 1980's British sitcom, "Minder" - thanks to Rob A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. - unknown A man must serve his time in every trade except censure-critics are ready made. - Lord Byron
(1788-1824)
Happiness is merely the remission of pain. - unknown He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. - Abraham Lincoln, a gentle needle He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill, a gentle needle He has delusions of adequacy. - Walter Kerr, a gentle needle He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. - William Faulkner about Earnest Hemingway. (thanks to Pete Hartzel of Woodstock Corp.) He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde, a gentle needle He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder, a gentle needle He is a self-made man and worships his creator. - John Bright, a gentle needle (thanks to Pete Hartzel of Woodstock Corp.) He is not only dull himself, but he is the cause of dullness in others. - Samuel Johnson, a gentle needle He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul Keating, a gentle needle He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker, a gentle needle He that drinks beer, thinks beer. - Washington Irving
(1783-1859)
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) He that would have a short Lent, let him borrow money to be repaid at Easter. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts, for support rather than illumination. - Andrew Lang, a gentle needle He who dies with the most toys is still dead. - unknown He's gone, and forgot nothing but to say farewell to his creditors. - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West, a gentle needle Housework done properly can kill you. - unknown How many observe Christ's birthday, how few his precepts. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. - unknown I can't be out of money, I still have checks left. - unknown I did not fall off the turnip truck just yesterday. - Terry Davis
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. - unknown A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid." - courtesy of Jack Shea, jshumor@exis.net A bulldog can whip a skunk, but sometimes it's not worth it. - J. Nowell A clean house is a sign of a misspent life. - unknown A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. - unknown A closed mouth gathers no feet. - Sam Horn A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple. - John Florio (1553-1625) A diplomat is one who thinks twice before saying nothing. - unknown A flatterer never seems absurd: the flatter'd always takes his word. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) A friend in need is a pest. - Arthur Daley in the popular 1980's British sitcom, "Minder" - thanks to Rob A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house. - unknown A man must serve his time in every trade except censure-critics are ready made. - Lord Byron
(1788-1824)
Happiness is merely the remission of pain. - unknown He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. - Abraham Lincoln, a gentle needle He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill, a gentle needle He has delusions of adequacy. - Walter Kerr, a gentle needle He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. - William Faulkner about Earnest Hemingway. (thanks to Pete Hartzel of Woodstock Corp.) He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde, a gentle needle He has Van Gogh's ear for music. - Billy Wilder, a gentle needle He is a self-made man and worships his creator. - John Bright, a gentle needle (thanks to Pete Hartzel of Woodstock Corp.) He is not only dull himself, but he is the cause of dullness in others. - Samuel Johnson, a gentle needle He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul Keating, a gentle needle He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. - Forrest Tucker, a gentle needle He that drinks beer, thinks beer. - Washington Irving
(1783-1859)
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) He that would have a short Lent, let him borrow money to be repaid at Easter. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts, for support rather than illumination. - Andrew Lang, a gentle needle He who dies with the most toys is still dead. - unknown He's gone, and forgot nothing but to say farewell to his creditors. - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West, a gentle needle Housework done properly can kill you. - unknown How many observe Christ's birthday, how few his precepts. - Ben Franklin (1706-1790) I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. - unknown I can't be out of money, I still have checks left. - unknown I did not fall off the turnip truck just yesterday. - Terry Davis
Meddlin' Preacher
Meddlin' Preacher
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER!
TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER!
TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She descended to a lower altitude and spotted a man in
a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a
ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and
100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist; "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much
help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man; "You don't know where you are or where
you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity
of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect ME to solve your problem.
You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met,
but somehow, now it's MY fault."
She descended to a lower altitude and spotted a man in
a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago,
but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and Replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a
ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level.
You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and
100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist; "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much
help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man; "You don't know where you are or where
you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity
of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect ME to solve your problem.
You're in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met,
but somehow, now it's MY fault."
God Was Busy
A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten
minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion.
The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.
Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he
asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
"God was busy. He sent me."
One Nation Under God
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin fall. Ten
minutes went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine - just released from active duty and newly registered in the class - walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him tumbling from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold! At first, the students were shocked and babbled in confusion.
The young Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.
Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he
asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
"God was busy. He sent me."
One Nation Under God
More Kid Stuff
DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .....and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .....and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Funnies
ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
Police
POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then,"
she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then,"
she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
Kid Stuff
HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
Monday, June 28, 2004
Signs you might be an Alaskan
signs you might be an alaskan
1. You only know four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.
7. The local hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy store at Christmas.
8. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is three feet above the ground.
9. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
11. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons.
12. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat-processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo -- it's sausage making.
20. The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
21. You find -60 F a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
24. You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter and Construction.
25. You can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards away.
26. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
27. The town buys a Zamboni before they buy a bus.
28. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Alaskan friends.
1. You only know four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.
7. The local hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy store at Christmas.
8. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is three feet above the ground.
9. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
11. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons.
12. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat-processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo -- it's sausage making.
20. The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.
21. You find -60 F a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
24. You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter and Construction.
25. You can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards away.
26. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
27. The town buys a Zamboni before they buy a bus.
28. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Alaskan friends.
New Quarters Recalled
Thanks to LBS: New Quarters Recalled
Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters.
If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices".
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters.
If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices".
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate," Shackleford said.
"Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
Saturday, June 26, 2004
SAYINGS FOR THE INTERNET AGE
Thanks to LBS: SAYINGS FOR THE INTERNET AGE
1. You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. Home is where you hang your @.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
1. You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.
2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. Home is where you hang your @.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
when a Panel of Doctors
Thanks to LBS: Recently, when a Panel of Doctors at a hospital was asked to vote on adding a new wing, this is what happened:
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
*
*
The HMOs killed it anyway!
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "Grow up."
The proctologists said, "We are in arrears."
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
*
*
The HMOs killed it anyway!
Thanks to Larry M: The Devil's Beatitudes, Ouch!
Thanks to Larry M: The Devil's Beatitudes, Ouch!
This one will make you stop and shudder! If the devil were to write his beatitudes, they would probably go something like this:
1. Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians -- they are my best workers.
2. Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked -- I can use them.
3. Blessed are the touchy who stop going to church -- they are my missionaries.
4. Blessed are the trouble makers -- they shall be called my children.
5. Blessed are the complainers -- I'm all ears to them.
6. Blessed are those who are bored with the minister's mannerisms and mistakes -- for they get nothing out of his sermons.
7. Blessed is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church -- for he is a part of the problem instead of the solution.
8. Blessed are those who gossip -- for they shall cause strife and divisions that please me.
9. Blessed are those who are easily offended -- for they will soon get angry and quit.
10. Blessed are those who do not give their offering to carry on God's work -- for they are my helpers.
11. Blessed is she who professes to love God but hates her brother and sister -- for she shall be with me forever.
12. Blessed are you who, when you read this think it is about other people and not yourself -- I've got you too!
This one will make you stop and shudder! If the devil were to write his beatitudes, they would probably go something like this:
1. Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians -- they are my best workers.
2. Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked -- I can use them.
3. Blessed are the touchy who stop going to church -- they are my missionaries.
4. Blessed are the trouble makers -- they shall be called my children.
5. Blessed are the complainers -- I'm all ears to them.
6. Blessed are those who are bored with the minister's mannerisms and mistakes -- for they get nothing out of his sermons.
7. Blessed is the church member who expects to be invited to his own church -- for he is a part of the problem instead of the solution.
8. Blessed are those who gossip -- for they shall cause strife and divisions that please me.
9. Blessed are those who are easily offended -- for they will soon get angry and quit.
10. Blessed are those who do not give their offering to carry on God's work -- for they are my helpers.
11. Blessed is she who professes to love God but hates her brother and sister -- for she shall be with me forever.
12. Blessed are you who, when you read this think it is about other people and not yourself -- I've got you too!
Proper Attire
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Proper Attire
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. I don't want to burst your bubble, but despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and thus should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Short shorts and varicose veins 12. In-line skates and a walker 13. Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. I don't want to burst your bubble, but despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and thus should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Short shorts and varicose veins 12. In-line skates and a walker 13. Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
Friday, June 25, 2004
THE YEAR 1904
Thanks to JP: THE YEAR 1904
Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1904 . one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1904:
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere
1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.
.. And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to all of you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years ... it staggers the mind.
Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1904 . one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for 1904:
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere
1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30.
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two of 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.
.. And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to all of you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years ... it staggers the mind.
Can you guess which of the following
Thanks to JP: Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches sti! ck their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in
1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
They are all true....Now go back and think about #16.
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches sti! ck their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in
1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana.
They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
They are all true....Now go back and think about #16.
WORLD WIDE NEWS ALERT....EMERGENCY
Thanks to AB: WORLD WIDE NEWS ALERT....EMERGENCY!
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers...
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers...
A Real Groaner
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- A Real Groaner...
Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,"
said the second.
"O K," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when up came a big fat tomcat who gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun,"
said the second.
"O K," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when up came a big fat tomcat who gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
College
From GCFL: College
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"
Assembly Line Medicine
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Assembly Line Medicine
Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Buford:
Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.
Half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.
So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, Electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.
The doctor asked, Where?
Buford said, Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?
Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Buford:
Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.
Half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.
So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, Electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had.
Buford said, Shingles.
The doctor asked, Where?
Buford said, Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?
Thursday, June 24, 2004
Red Skelton shared
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Red Skelton shared his humor with us for decades. He did so without four-letter words and raunchy antics. Throughout his career, he gained the respect of his fellow performers and audiences alike, and always was considered a top entertainer in his field. As we deal with our myriad day-to-day problems, a little levity is a welcome respite in today's world.
Below are Mr. Skelton's tips for a happy marriage:
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds, Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, " Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in."
10. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust."
Below are Mr. Skelton's tips for a happy marriage:
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds, Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and an electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, " Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in."
10. Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust."
Maxine says...
Thanks to AB: Maxine says...
1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."
2. Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns."
4. Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
5. Maxine on "Body Piercing" - "I'd get my tongue pierced, but I still have a little bit of brain left in my head."
6. Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
7. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards."
8. Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" - "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."
2. Maxine on "Life" - "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns."
4. Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
5. Maxine on "Body Piercing" - "I'd get my tongue pierced, but I still have a little bit of brain left in my head."
6. Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
7. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a co-worker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards."
8. Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
Wednesday, June 23, 2004
Corny, but funny!
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- Some favorites -- Corny, but funny!
You can't read these and stay in a bad mood
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce
The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
You can't read these and stay in a bad mood
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce
The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
FUNNY
Thanks to M/M Riverrats -- FUNNY
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
20. TRIGLYCERIDES: If all else fails.
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
20. TRIGLYCERIDES: If all else fails.
Newspaper headlines in the year 2035
Thanks to LM: Newspaper headlines in the year 2035
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).
North Korea still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to
$17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon).
North Korea still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to
$17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Oh Yeah, enjoy
Thanks to LBS: GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE
LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
WE MUST GET OUT!
Thanks to MB: WE MUST GET OUT!
Every day there are news reports about more deaths.
Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction.
Why are we still there?
We occupied this land, which we had to take by force.
But it causes us nothing but trouble.
Why are we still there?
Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership.
Why are we still there?
Many of their people are uncivilized.
Why are we still there?
The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed to bail them out of.
Why are we still there?
There are more than 1000 religious sects there, which we do not understand.
Why are we still there?
Their folkways, foods, and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans.
Why are we still there?
We can't even secure the borders.
Why are we still there?
They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild - which we can't afford.
Why are we still there?
Everyday it is becoming clearer and clearer-
WE MUST PULL OUT OF -- CALIFORNIA!
Every day there are news reports about more deaths.
Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction.
Why are we still there?
We occupied this land, which we had to take by force.
But it causes us nothing but trouble.
Why are we still there?
Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership.
Why are we still there?
Many of their people are uncivilized.
Why are we still there?
The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed to bail them out of.
Why are we still there?
There are more than 1000 religious sects there, which we do not understand.
Why are we still there?
Their folkways, foods, and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans.
Why are we still there?
We can't even secure the borders.
Why are we still there?
They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild - which we can't afford.
Why are we still there?
Everyday it is becoming clearer and clearer-
WE MUST PULL OUT OF -- CALIFORNIA!
Headphones
Headphones
A blonde walks into a barber shop wearing a set of headphones. She sits down in the chair and says I need my hair cut.
The barber starts to cut the right side then stops. He says, "You need to take off your headphones."
Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"
The barber cuts the right side and goes to the left side. He starts cutting then stops. He says, "You really have to take off your headphones."
Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"
The barber cuts the left side and starts on the back. He starts cutting then stops again. He says, "Now, you REALLY have to take off your headphones!"
Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"
The barber starts cutting, but then stops. He leans over and grabs the blonde's headphones and pulls them off. She chokes, then falls to the ground dead.
The barber picks up the headphones and listens. *Breathe In... Breathe Out... Breathe In... Breathe Out...*
A blonde walks into a barber shop wearing a set of headphones. She sits down in the chair and says I need my hair cut.
The barber starts to cut the right side then stops. He says, "You need to take off your headphones."
Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"
The barber cuts the right side and goes to the left side. He starts cutting then stops. He says, "You really have to take off your headphones."
Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"
The barber cuts the left side and starts on the back. He starts cutting then stops again. He says, "Now, you REALLY have to take off your headphones!"
Blonde: "I can't, I'll just die!"
The barber starts cutting, but then stops. He leans over and grabs the blonde's headphones and pulls them off. She chokes, then falls to the ground dead.
The barber picks up the headphones and listens. *Breathe In... Breathe Out... Breathe In... Breathe Out...*
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Monday, June 21, 2004
From the Reader's Digest:
From the Reader's Digest:
>> In Bartlett, Illinois there's a carpet-
cleaning company called "Calvin Klean".
>> In San Rafael, California there's a
coffee shop called "Shaky Grounds".
>> In Osgood, Indiana there's a pet shop
named "Fish and Chirps".
>> In Glendale, California a pawnshop does
business as "Once a Pawn a Time".
>> Things were more confusing for the "Federal Espresso" coffee
shop in Syracuse, New York. When Federal Express objected
to that name, they changed it to "Ex-Federal Espresso". But
that did not satisfy the package-delivery giant. At the end
of a three-year legal battle everyone has finally agreed upon
the name "Freedom of Espresso". Thanks a latte, FedEx!
>> In Bartlett, Illinois there's a carpet-
cleaning company called "Calvin Klean".
>> In San Rafael, California there's a
coffee shop called "Shaky Grounds".
>> In Osgood, Indiana there's a pet shop
named "Fish and Chirps".
>> In Glendale, California a pawnshop does
business as "Once a Pawn a Time".
>> Things were more confusing for the "Federal Espresso" coffee
shop in Syracuse, New York. When Federal Express objected
to that name, they changed it to "Ex-Federal Espresso". But
that did not satisfy the package-delivery giant. At the end
of a three-year legal battle everyone has finally agreed upon
the name "Freedom of Espresso". Thanks a latte, FedEx!
>> In Bartlett, Illinois there's a carpet-
cleaning company called "Calvin Klean".
>> In San Rafael, California there's a
coffee shop called "Shaky Grounds".
>> In Osgood, Indiana there's a pet shop
named "Fish and Chirps".
>> In Glendale, California a pawnshop does
business as "Once a Pawn a Time".
>> Things were more confusing for the "Federal Espresso" coffee
shop in Syracuse, New York. When Federal Express objected
to that name, they changed it to "Ex-Federal Espresso". But
that did not satisfy the package-delivery giant. At the end
of a three-year legal battle everyone has finally agreed upon
the name "Freedom of Espresso". Thanks a latte, FedEx!
>> In Bartlett, Illinois there's a carpet-
cleaning company called "Calvin Klean".
>> In San Rafael, California there's a
coffee shop called "Shaky Grounds".
>> In Osgood, Indiana there's a pet shop
named "Fish and Chirps".
>> In Glendale, California a pawnshop does
business as "Once a Pawn a Time".
>> Things were more confusing for the "Federal Espresso" coffee
shop in Syracuse, New York. When Federal Express objected
to that name, they changed it to "Ex-Federal Espresso". But
that did not satisfy the package-delivery giant. At the end
of a three-year legal battle everyone has finally agreed upon
the name "Freedom of Espresso". Thanks a latte, FedEx!
Another Train
Another Train
So, theres this girl standing on the rail road tracks jumping up and down saying, 22, 22, 22, 22, 22..... and a blonde girl walked up and starred at her for a minute and a half. Then she got on the tracks behind the girl starts jumping up and down to the same beat as the brunette, saying 22, 22, 22, 22,..........
A train starts rapidly approaching, and the brunette gets off the tracks, but the blonde continues on jumping. The train comes and runs her over, and kills her, then the brunette gets back on the tracks and starts jumping again saying 23, 23, 23, 23,
So, theres this girl standing on the rail road tracks jumping up and down saying, 22, 22, 22, 22, 22..... and a blonde girl walked up and starred at her for a minute and a half. Then she got on the tracks behind the girl starts jumping up and down to the same beat as the brunette, saying 22, 22, 22, 22,..........
A train starts rapidly approaching, and the brunette gets off the tracks, but the blonde continues on jumping. The train comes and runs her over, and kills her, then the brunette gets back on the tracks and starts jumping again saying 23, 23, 23, 23,
Sunday, June 20, 2004
AN ANNOTATED THERMOMETER (degrees Fahrenheit)
AN ANNOTATED THERMOMETER (degrees Fahrenheit)
+50
~ New York tenants turn on the heat
~ Minnesotans plant gardens
+40
~ Californians shiver uncontrollably
~ Minnesotans sunbathe
+35
~ Italian cars don't start
+32
~ Distilled water freezes
+30
~ You can see your breath
~ You plan a vacation in Florida
~ Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
~ Minnesotans eat ice cream
+25
~ Boston water freezes
~ Californians weep pitiably
~ Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
+20
~ Cleveland water freezes
~ San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
~ Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts
+15
~ You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!!
~ Minnesotans go swimming
+10
~ Too cold to snow
~ You need jumper cables to get the car going
0
~ New York landlords turn on the heat
-5
~ You can hear your breath
~ You plan a vacation to Hawaii
-10
~ American cars don't start
~ Too cold to skate
-15
~ You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
~ Miamians cease to exist
~ Minnesotans lick flagpoles
-20
~ Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
~ People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens
-25
~ Too cold to kiss
~ You need jumper cables to get the driver going
~ Japanese cars don't start
~ Minnesota Twins head for spring training
-30
~ You plan a two-week hot bath
~ Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
-38
~ Mercury freezes
~ Too cold to think
~ Minnesotans button top button
-40
~ Californians disappear
~ Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
~ Minnesotans put on sweaters
-50
~ Congressional hot air freezes
~ Alaskans close the bathroom window
~ Green Bay Packers practice indoors
-60
~ Walruses abandon Aleutians
~ Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens
~ Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-70
~ Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
~ Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI
-80
~ Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
~ Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-90
~ Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
~ Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer
-100
~ Santa Claus abandons North Pole
~ Minnesotans pull down earflaps
-173
~ Ethyl alcohol freezes
-445
~ Superconductivity
-452
~ Helium becomes a liquid
-454
~ Hell freezes over
-456
~ Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90
-458
~ Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution
-460 (Absolute Zero)
~ All atomic motion ceases
~ Minnesotans agree as to how it's getting a "mite nippy"
+50
~ New York tenants turn on the heat
~ Minnesotans plant gardens
+40
~ Californians shiver uncontrollably
~ Minnesotans sunbathe
+35
~ Italian cars don't start
+32
~ Distilled water freezes
+30
~ You can see your breath
~ You plan a vacation in Florida
~ Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
~ Minnesotans eat ice cream
+25
~ Boston water freezes
~ Californians weep pitiably
~ Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you
+20
~ Cleveland water freezes
~ San Franciscans start thinking favorably of LA
~ Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts
+15
~ You plan a vacation in CANCUN!!!!!
~ Minnesotans go swimming
+10
~ Too cold to snow
~ You need jumper cables to get the car going
0
~ New York landlords turn on the heat
-5
~ You can hear your breath
~ You plan a vacation to Hawaii
-10
~ American cars don't start
~ Too cold to skate
-15
~ You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
~ Miamians cease to exist
~ Minnesotans lick flagpoles
-20
~ Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you
~ People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens
-25
~ Too cold to kiss
~ You need jumper cables to get the driver going
~ Japanese cars don't start
~ Minnesota Twins head for spring training
-30
~ You plan a two-week hot bath
~ Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
-38
~ Mercury freezes
~ Too cold to think
~ Minnesotans button top button
-40
~ Californians disappear
~ Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
~ Minnesotans put on sweaters
-50
~ Congressional hot air freezes
~ Alaskans close the bathroom window
~ Green Bay Packers practice indoors
-60
~ Walruses abandon Aleutians
~ Minnesotans put gloves away, take out mittens
~ Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-70
~ Minneapolis residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
~ Ridgeway snowmobilers organize trans-river race to Buffalo, WI
-80
~ Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
~ Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby
-90
~ Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
~ Wisconsinites migrate to Minnesota thinking it MUST be warmer
-100
~ Santa Claus abandons North Pole
~ Minnesotans pull down earflaps
-173
~ Ethyl alcohol freezes
-445
~ Superconductivity
-452
~ Helium becomes a liquid
-454
~ Hell freezes over
-456
~ Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90
-458
~ Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution
-460 (Absolute Zero)
~ All atomic motion ceases
~ Minnesotans agree as to how it's getting a "mite nippy"
A LETTER HOME
Remember old folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.
A LETTER HOME
Dear Grandson:
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
Love,
Grandma
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
A LETTER HOME
Dear Grandson:
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
Love,
Grandma
P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
A Polar bear
A Polar bear walks into a restaurant and says to the waitress,
"I'll have a Pepsi with .........
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
ice".
The waitress says, "Why the big pause?"
Bear says, "I dunno...I was born with them!"
"I'll have a Pepsi with .........
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
.-.
ice".
The waitress says, "Why the big pause?"
Bear says, "I dunno...I was born with them!"
Saturday, June 19, 2004
The Great Poopie
The Great Poopie
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie comes out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet
paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- It happens when your done poopie-ing, and you have pulled your pants up to your knees
and you realize you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you almost have a
stroke.
Richard Simmons Poopie- You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without breaking it up into little
pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy everyone within earshot is giggling.
Drinker Poopie- The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait
is the treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet.
Corn Poopie- Self Explanatory!
Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie, Poopie- It's the kind where you want to poopie real bad, but all you do is sit, cramp,
and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- Thats where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) - The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get
splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splatters all over the toilet.
Mexican Food Poopie- It smells so bad the room is condemned.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind that thinks their poopie doesn't stink.
Fisherman's Bobber Poopie- That's the kind where you're in the public restroom, and there are two people
waiting for your stall. You poopie and flush two times, but several golfball-sized pieces are still floating on the
water.
I Just Found My Pee-Pee Poopie- The kind where a young teenage boy goes into the bathroom with the new
Victoria's Secret catalog, and comes out 10 minutes later without flushing the toilet.
The VanGough Poopie- That's where after you poopie, you are shocked to see all the different colors in your
poopie, and try to figure out what you ate to do it again.
The Show-And-Tell Poopie- You're so impressed with you own poopie, you leave it in the bowl so all your friends
can appreciate it too.
Half Poopie- That's the kind that breaks off too soon, so half falls in to bowl and half stays hanging........ (
a.k.a....The Wipers Nightmare)
Suprise Poopie- That's when your in public and you think you have to fart, but you get a suprise poopie as a
bonus.
Paralyzing Poopie- When you're sitting poopie-ing so long your legs fall asleep.
He Just Poopied, Poopie- When you get done poopie-ing, you put your shorts back on and go out in public with
those identifying bright red pressure circle on the back of your legs for all to see.
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie comes out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there's nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet
paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- It happens when your done poopie-ing, and you have pulled your pants up to your knees
and you realize you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you almost have a
stroke.
Richard Simmons Poopie- You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without breaking it up into little
pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy everyone within earshot is giggling.
Drinker Poopie- The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait
is the treadmarks on the bottom of the toilet.
Corn Poopie- Self Explanatory!
Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie, Poopie- It's the kind where you want to poopie real bad, but all you do is sit, cramp,
and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- Thats where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump) - The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get
splashed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splatters all over the toilet.
Mexican Food Poopie- It smells so bad the room is condemned.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind that thinks their poopie doesn't stink.
Fisherman's Bobber Poopie- That's the kind where you're in the public restroom, and there are two people
waiting for your stall. You poopie and flush two times, but several golfball-sized pieces are still floating on the
water.
I Just Found My Pee-Pee Poopie- The kind where a young teenage boy goes into the bathroom with the new
Victoria's Secret catalog, and comes out 10 minutes later without flushing the toilet.
The VanGough Poopie- That's where after you poopie, you are shocked to see all the different colors in your
poopie, and try to figure out what you ate to do it again.
The Show-And-Tell Poopie- You're so impressed with you own poopie, you leave it in the bowl so all your friends
can appreciate it too.
Half Poopie- That's the kind that breaks off too soon, so half falls in to bowl and half stays hanging........ (
a.k.a....The Wipers Nightmare)
Suprise Poopie- That's when your in public and you think you have to fart, but you get a suprise poopie as a
bonus.
Paralyzing Poopie- When you're sitting poopie-ing so long your legs fall asleep.
He Just Poopied, Poopie- When you get done poopie-ing, you put your shorts back on and go out in public with
those identifying bright red pressure circle on the back of your legs for all to see.
Friday, June 18, 2004
A panda
A panda walks into a diner, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots out the restaurant's windows.
As the panda stands up to go, the owner shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the owner, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The owner opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for "panda":
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
As the panda stands up to go, the owner shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the owner, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The owner opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for "panda":
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
PHOTO DROP
PHOTO DROP
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get
photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too
thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his
home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured
by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a
plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his
equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung
the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer,
"and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the
instructor?"
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get
photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too
thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his
home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured
by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a
plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his
equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung
the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer,
"and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and
photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great
exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the
instructor?"
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
From our "stupid criminals" file:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of
America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.
With all the stories going around, you have to wonder if one of the qualifications of being a bank robber is having an IQ lower than the temperature in Minnesota in January. He actually believed the teller when she said he couldn't do it! What a dummy!
Before I get carried away, though, how many times have I been "dumb" enough to believe somebody when they told me something couldn't be done? "We tried that once before, and it just didn't work!" "You're
wasting your time!" "It'll never work!"
If we listened to everyone who told us what "can't be done", we'd never accomplish anything. How different was the attitude of Paul:
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
(Philippians 4:13)
Have a great day!
Alan Smith
White House Church of Christ
White House, Tennessee
www.TFTD-online.com
From our "stupid criminals" file:
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of
America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stick up note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left the Wells Fargo. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.
With all the stories going around, you have to wonder if one of the qualifications of being a bank robber is having an IQ lower than the temperature in Minnesota in January. He actually believed the teller when she said he couldn't do it! What a dummy!
Before I get carried away, though, how many times have I been "dumb" enough to believe somebody when they told me something couldn't be done? "We tried that once before, and it just didn't work!" "You're
wasting your time!" "It'll never work!"
If we listened to everyone who told us what "can't be done", we'd never accomplish anything. How different was the attitude of Paul:
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
(Philippians 4:13)
Have a great day!
Alan Smith
White House Church of Christ
White House, Tennessee
www.TFTD-online.com
Saturday, June 12, 2004
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
Will Rogers
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the
following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Friday, June 11, 2004
Lil Red Riding Hood
Lil Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again, the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"
I wish you
I wish you...
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work or shop.
I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in...
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing along song on the radio.
Your keys right where you look.
I wish you a day of happiness and perfection--
I wish you little bite-size pieces of perfection that give you the funny feeling that the Lord is smiling on you, holding you so gently because you are someone special and rare.
I wish You a day of Peace, Happiness and Joy.
Remember to Make the Time TODAY, To do something Special for a Total Stranger.
Have a TERRIFIC day
Make it a Great Day!!!
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work or shop.
I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in...
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing along song on the radio.
Your keys right where you look.
I wish you a day of happiness and perfection--
I wish you little bite-size pieces of perfection that give you the funny feeling that the Lord is smiling on you, holding you so gently because you are someone special and rare.
I wish You a day of Peace, Happiness and Joy.
Remember to Make the Time TODAY, To do something Special for a Total Stranger.
Have a TERRIFIC day
Make it a Great Day!!!
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