Today's hUMOR

"The End is Near"

A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They held up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

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Hellman's Mayo

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery on May 5th in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko De Mayo

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One Liner

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce." - Mark Twain

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CleanQuote

"An explanation of cause is not a justification by reason." - C. S. Lewis

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"Real Skill"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

There was a rich man who was deliberately hard on his farmhand. He gave him a bottle and said, "Buy me a bottle of wine."

The farmhand asked, "How can I buy you wine with no money at all?"

The rich man said, "Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money."

After a while the farmhand returned with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle to the rich man and said, "Enjoy the wine, please."

Staring at the empty bottle, the rich man asked, "There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?"

The farmhand said, "Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some. It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is none."

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23rd Psalm

A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the
23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed
disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will
follow me all the days of my life..."

"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.

"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness
and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like
Shirley following me around all the time."

Today's hUMOR

"One Rifle Hunting"

If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober

Three goobers went away on a hunting trip.

Once they'd set up their camp site, they prepared to leave for the hunt. Unfortunately, they discovered they'd only brought one hunting rifle along with them. So they decided they'd each take turns hunting.

The first one headed out and, a few hours later, he returned. He came back with a raccoon.

The other goobers were amazed and asked how he got the raccoon. "Saw tracks, followed tracks, shot raccoon." he said.

The second goober thought that this was going to be easy, so he headed out. After a short time, he came back with a bear. The other two goobers asked how he got the bear and he replied, "Saw tracks, followed tracks, shot bear."

The third goober thought that this was so easy, even he could do it. He left ... and came back three days later, battered and bruised. He looked awful. The other goobers asked what had happened. He said, "Saw tracks, followed tracks ... got hit by train."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanPun - Patient Wake Up

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."

The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

One Liner

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech - every now and then she stops to breathe." ~Jimmy Durante

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

CleanQuote

"Ain't no horse can't be rode; ain't no cowboy can't be throwed."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

"Job Impressions"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.

"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."

Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"

She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"

Today's hUMOR

"Speech Flirt"

During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches.

During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Excited, I wrote down my phone number.

Looking startled for a moment, he flipped the napkin over and drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.

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Plumber's Sign

Seen on a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed. - Don't sleep with a drip."

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One Liner

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." - Charlotte Whitton

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CleanQuote

"Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty." - Mark Twain

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"Frantic Writing"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about writing a will.

He said, "Will!? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite!"

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Intercom Repair

My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school.

One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him
that the Intercom wasn't working properly. My friend's son went about
filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom.

She asked, "Is that okay now?"

"Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl."

Today's hUMOR

Baseball

I was pondering a baseball. I was wondering "Why is it
getting larger and larger?"

Then it hit me.
WWWWWWWWWWWWW
 Telemarketers

I used to hate it when telemarketers would call but nowadays I
welcome them with open arms. Their calls are opportunities for me to
turn the tables and inconvenience them instead of them
inconveniencing me. Perhaps they have now blacklisted me because I
don't get as many calls as I used to but when my caller ID box shows
"Private Caller" my adrenaline rushes and I am ready to play.

One of the new ploys that telemarketers are using is to call you
electronically. You pick up the phone to hear a recorded voice say,
"Please stay on the line for an important message." They actually
expect you to wait on hold while they take their sweet time before
getting around to selling you something.

The last time I got one of these calls, I put on some classical
music and waited for someone to greet me. As soon as I heard the
telemarketer say hello, I said in my best radio advertiser voice,
"Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line. Our next
available representative will be with you shortly." I let the music
play and would repeat those phrases at thirty second intervals.

Finally I turned off the music and said, "Hello?"

"Hello, this is Jane with Allied Travel. How are you today?"

"Well, my gouts been acting up, I've got terrible hemorrhoids, I've
got poison ivy on the bottom of my feet and I just ate a pizza so
the heartburn will be coming on soon."

"I'm sorry to hear that sir but I'm calling to tell you about some
of our exciting travel packages that ..."

I interrupted her, "You don't really care about how I'm doing, do
you?"

"Why, sure I do?"

"You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?"

"Well sir, I can't do that right now. I have to call people and tell
them about our travel packages."

"You can use my phone. Come on over."

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

"You don't like me do you?"

"Of course I like you sir."

"So why won't you come over?"

"Well, I'm working."

"I got some pork rinds and some Pepsi and I could fry up a little
fatback if you'd like."

"Boy, that sounds real tempting but I'll have to take a rain check
on that."

"Okay, how about tomorrow then?"

"I can't. I'm working."

"How about the day after tomorrow then?"

"Actually sir, I'm not supposed to get too personal with the people
I call."

"Why'd you ask me how I was doing then?"

"That's just a courtesy."

"You don't like me do you?"

"Yes sir. I like you just fine."

"So ... You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?"

(click
WWWWWWWWWWWWW
Boy, Officer and Squirrel

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one
hand and a squirrel in the other.

"Now listen here," the policeman said, "whatever you do to
that poor, defenseless creature, I shall personally do to
you."

"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss 'im and let 'im
go."

Today's hUMOR

"Ring Appraisal"

An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if
she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.

A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's magnifier, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.

"Wow," said a tourist who had been watching from the next table.

"These Texas women are tough!"

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Electrician's Truck

Seen on an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

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One Liner

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." ~Groucho Marx

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CleanQuote

"A member of my staff asked me when I was going to retire.

I said, 'When I can no longer hear the sound of laughter.'

He said, 'That never stopped you before.'"
~Bob Hope

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"Preparing for Parenthood"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Brian and Cathleen took their newborn, Emily, to meet her cousins, Erin and Savannah, in Oklahoma. The cousins were delighted with her and watched everything the adults did with Emily including changing her diapers. The girls were sitting right beside Brian the first time he changed one of Emily's messy diapers.

When he opened her diaper he said, "Ew! She pooped!"

Erin looked at him and asked, "Didn't they tell you she would do that?"

Today's hUMOR

"A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a
mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between
25 and 8,000 years old." -Craig Ferguson



When his son refused to get a job, his father insisted he
join the Army. At the induction physical, the Army doctor
directed the reluctant recruit to read the eye chart across
the room. "What chart?" the young man asked.

"The one on the wall! "The doctor said.

"What wall?"

Sensing he had a deadbeat on his hands, the doctor asked
his beautiful nurse to walk in naked. "What do you see now?"

"Nothing."

"Well, you may not see anything," the doctor said," but
your indicator is pointing toward Ft. Jackson!  Welcome to
the Army son."
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Company Examination

A company was hiring new staff. One question in the written exam was:

You are driving your car in a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus
station, and you see three people waiting for the bus: an old lady
who looks as if she is about to die, a doctor who had once saved your
life, a person you have been dreaming to be with. You can only take
one passenger in your car. Which one will you choose? Please explain
your answer.

Think about it before you continue reading.

This must be some kind of personality test. Every answer has its reasoning.

You could pick up the old lady. She is going to die, and thus you
should save her first. You could take the doctor, because he once
saved your life. This will be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you could always pay the doctor back in the future, but you
may never be able to find the perfect love once you pass this chance.

The candidate who was eventually hired (out of 200 applicants) did
not have to explain his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: "Give the car key to the doctor. Let him take the
old lady to the hospital. I will stay and wait for the bus with the
person of my dreams."
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A Touch of Home

Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a
touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding. My fiancee,
explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat
rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, "It's a good
thing she's not from Idaho."

Today's hUMOR

"Morning Sickness"

Sarah dropped in on her sister Molly and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

"What's wrong Molly?" she asked.

Molly told her that she had morning sickness.

Surprised, Sarah said, "Hurray! I didn't even know you were pregnant!"

"I'm not," the harried middle-aged mother replied.

"I'm just sick of mornings."

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Official ID Card

My husband, a U.S. Coast Guard pilot, was on an exchange
tour with the Royal Navy in England. Everyone who drove
through the base's gates was required to hold an official ID
card up to the windshield for inspection by the guards.

As a friendly competition, my husband's squadron started
flashing different forms of ID, such as a driver's license,
just to see how far they could go to fool the busy guards.

The winner? The fellow who breezed past waving a piece of
toast.

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"What's Good Tonight"

Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"

Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.

He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."

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Optometrist's Sign

See on a sign at an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

---

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One Liner

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." ~ Mark Twain

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CleanQuote

"My main problem with reading books is getting past the idea that the author knows more about the subject than I do." ~ James L. Smith (Grandpa)

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"Stubborn Problem"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me
because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"

Today's hUMOR

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir .' My brother, Dan, the driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating . ' Not looking up from her knitting Dan’s wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control. ' As the officer writes out the ticket, Dan looks over at his wife and growls,  'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ? '

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher. '

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,  'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut? '

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving. '

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket , the driver turns to his wife and barks, ' W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? '

'Only when he's been drinking, officer! '

############

Driving Around

I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this
morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there's this man
in a Mustang doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his
rear view mirror ... shaving!!!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, he's
halfway over in my lane.

It scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.

############

"One Carton and Six Eggs"

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

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CleanPun - Tire Shop Sign

Seen on a sign a a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

############ 

One Liner

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
~ Victor Borge

############ 

CleanQuote

"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."

############    

"Vice Principal Review"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his high-school alma mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal.

"I sure was!" answered the host. "He was the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?"

"Well, not then," replied the guest. "But my mother married him last Saturday."

############    

Today's hUMOR

CleanPun - Towing Sign

Seen on a sign at a Towing Company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

$$$$$$$$$$$$

One Liner

"People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that makes me sick."

$$$$$$$$$$$$

CleanQuote

"I prefer to sit on my own gate and whistle my own tune."
~ Charles Spurgeon

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"Kids on the Bible"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The statements below are said to have been written by actual students, that they are genuine and NOT retouched or corrected:

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount cyanide to get the ten amendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

- The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

- The epistles were wives of the apostles.

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

- One of the opposums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.

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Today's hUMOR

"It Pays to Read Labels"

I finally figured out why I am so "full-figured"!

As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?

Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap! It says right on the bottle, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

Today's hUMOR

Wise Guys

Driving down the highway, I saw this slogan on the back of a
well-known trucking company's vehicle: "We Always Go the
Extra Mile." In the grime beneath it, someone had scrawled,
"That's Because We Missed the Last exit."

Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University
of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this
notice: "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria." Next
to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."
##############
Where's the Paper?

"Have you seen this morning's paper?"

"Yes, I wrapped the garbage in it."

"But I hadn't seen it yet!"

"You didn't miss much. Just some coffee grounds and a few orange peels."
##############
It's a Girl

Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were
expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me
at work with the news of my grandchild's birth. I took down
all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my
co-workers.

"I'm a grandmother!" I declared. "It's a baby girl, and she
weighs five pounds."

"When was she born?" someone asked.

Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the
calendar, and said in amazement, "Tomorrow!"

Today's hUMOR

"Project Picture"

My 12 year old daughter asked me, "Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project." I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.

A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.

The title of their project was: "The oldest thing in my house."

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Taxidermist's Sign

Seen on a Taxidermist's sign: "We really know our stuff."

++++++++++++++++++++++

One Liner

"Each year a healthy adult male consumes one and one-half times his weight in other peoples patience."
~John Updike

++++++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote

"Whatever God did and was able to do and willing to do at any time, God is able and willing to do again, within the framework of His will."
~ A. W. Tozer

++++++++++++++++++++++

"Car Accident Honesty"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A man was trying to pull out of a parking place but bashed the bumper of the parked car in front of him.

Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians waiting for a bus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, and proceeded to write a note to leave on the windshield of the car he had hit.

The note read:

"Hello. I have just hit your car, and there are some people here watching me who think that I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number, and driver's license number, but I am not."

Today's hUMOR

Courtroom Oops

Judge: I know you, don't I?

Defendant: Uh, yes.

Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Library Confusion

The college football player knew his way around the locker room
better than he did the library, so when the librarian saw the
gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she
could help.

"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.

"Which one?" she asked.

Still scanning the shelves, he answered, "William."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"An Illinois state senator wants to take away the state tax deduction from parents with an obese child. I've heard of getting behind on your taxes, but never getting taxed on your behind." -Jay Leno

***
"I was homeschooled, which meant that I had to bully myself."
-Dave Letterman

***
"There is a company in Los Angeles that's selling a bottle of water for $2,600. You know what's just as ridiculous? A $2 bottle of water." -Jimmy Fallon

***
While I was dining out with my children, a friend of my neighbor, who recognized us, came over to our table, and we started talking.

He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we homeschooled them.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family.

I said, "No, I also work... but out of our home."

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.

"He was born at home," I answered.

The man looked at me and said, "You don't get out much, do you?"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.

"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be much lower."

My brother smiled and said, "Dad, that would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."

Today's hUMOR

Raise

Employee: Excuse me, sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well, sir, as you know, I have been an employee of
this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a
raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I
decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is
just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the
current economic downturn has had a negative impact on
sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard
work, proactiveness, and loyalty to this company for over a
decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I
don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you
a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies
were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, the Gas Company, the
Water Company, and the Mortgage Company!
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Staring at an empty cage, a zoo visitor asks, "Where are all the monkeys?"

"It's mating season," the keeper replies. "They're inside."

"Do you think they'd come out for peanuts?"

"Probably not," answers the keeper.

"Why not?" persists the visitor.

"Would you?"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
"A casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old." -Craig Ferguson

***
"The Journal of Animal Ethics says that it's insulting to call animals 'pets,' and they should be called 'animal companions.' They say 'pet' is the most insulting thing you could call an animal, except in North Korea, where they're called 'dinner.'" -Jay Leno

***
"A TSA screener in Kansas City is facing criticism for giving a pat-down to an 8-month-old baby. You don't pat down a baby! You stick him in a tray and run him through the X-ray machine." -Jimmy Fallon

***
On our way to my parents' house for dinner one evening, I glanced over at my 15-year-old daughter. "Isn't that skirt a bit short?" I asked. She rolled her eyes at my comment and gave me one of those "Oh, Mom" looks.

When we arrived at my folks' place, my mother greeted us at the door, hugged my daughter, then turned to me and looking me over with a critical eye said, "Elizabeth! Don't you hink that blouse is awfully low-cut?"

Today's hUMOR

When I arrived at a friend's home for a party, my old
rattletrap looked pretty shabby parked next to all the fancy
new vehicles there. I announced to the other guests that
they'd have to excuse my transport, but my gardener had
requested my Rolls-Royce for a special occasion and so we
had traded cars for the day. Another partygoer said that he,
too, had switched cars. He said he had loaned his Rolls to a
friend who wanted to impress a new girlfriend.

Everyone laughed, and I felt rather pleased with my little
joke, until a few days later when I drove past the same man.
He was driving a Rolls-Royce.
&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^
Marathon

It was the finish line of the Boston marathon. A first time runner is
hobbling away, having just finished.

A grizzled old marathoner looks at him and says "You'll feel a lot
worse tomorrow."

He pauses and then says, "But the really bad news is that in about 3
days, you're going to think you had fun today."

Today's hUMOR

"A TSA screener in Kansas City is facing criticism for giving
a pat-down to an 8-month-old baby. You don't pat down a baby!
You stick him in a tray and run him through the X-ray machine."
 -Jimmy Fallon



A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive,
and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer
was asking some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the
woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby
and tend to the other children milling around her, he sighed,
"Every time."

()()()()()()()
Casserole

Before rushing to work, I prepared a casserole for that evening's
dinner and put it in the fridge. As I turned to leave, I told my son
to stick it in the oven when he got home from school. "Make sure to
put it in at 350," I said.

"Sorry, can't," he replied. "I don't get home until quarter after four."

()()()()()()

Today's hUMOR

"The TSA is being criticized for checking 2-year-olds at
airport security. People say 2-year-olds can't be
terrorists - unless you're sitting next to one on a flight."
 -Jay Leno

                            ***

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife are separating. She'll
get the house in Malibu and he'll be moving back to Skull
Island." -David Letterman

                            ***

"The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for
two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a life-
time of...the same." -Craig Ferguson

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Flag Pin

I was touring a British naval vessel, wearing my American flag lapel
pin. As I asked the tour guide a question, he called out, "Sir, you
are in distress!"

I was greatly confused, until he pointed out that the flag on my
lapel was upside down, the naval symbol for a ship in distress.

I fumbled with the sticky clasp for a moment, but was only able to
turn the flag 90 degrees. "Ah," he said sternly, "now you're being
boarded by pirates."

(((((((((((((((((((((((((
Dining Out

One evening, I went with my parents to a fancy restaurant.
Dad was about halfway through his meal when he took a hard
look at the potato, called the waitress over and said,
"This potato is bad!"

To my utter amazement, the waitress at this "5-Star" place,
picked the potato up, smacked it, put it back on the plate,
then told my Dad, "If that potato causes any more trouble,
just let me know."
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((
Dining Out

One evening, I went with my parents to a fancy restaurant.
Dad was about halfway through his meal when he took a hard
look at the potato, called the waitress over and said,
"This potato is bad!"

To my utter amazement, the waitress at this "5-Star" place,
picked the potato up, smacked it, put it back on the plate,
then told my Dad, "If that potato causes any more trouble,
just let me know."
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Casserole

Before rushing to work, I prepared a casserole for that evening's
dinner and put it in the fridge. As I turned to leave, I told my son
to stick it in the oven when he got home from school. "Make sure to
put it in at 350," I said.

"Sorry, can't," he replied. "I don't get home until quarter after four."

Today's hUMOR

It Started With An iPhone

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday and I got
him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July and my wife made me very
happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod
Touch.

September came by, so for my wife's birthday I bought her an
iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be
integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and
iClean. This unfortunately activated the iNag app.

Which led me to the iHospital and iGet out Thursday.

**********************

Marksman

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town.
Everywhere he saw evidence of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on
walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet
hole in dead center.

The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person
responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be
the village idiot.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man.
"How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," was the reply. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."
**********************

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi, all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We
spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast, and traction, with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says,  “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start…”

****************

It's Fixed!

My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read:
"Check for clunking sound when going around corners."

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn,
and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left
turn and again heard a clunk.

Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon
discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair
order to the service manager with this notation: "Remove
bowling ball from trunk."

Today's hUMOR

It All Comes Back Around

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"For sale," read the ad in our hospital's weekly newsletter,
"sleeveless wedding gown, white, size 8, veil included. Worn
once, by mistake."

                            ***

When hiring new staff at the public library, I always ask
applicants what sort of supervision they'd be most com-
fortable with. One genius answered, "I've always thought
Superman's X-ray vision would be cool."

                            ***

My niece was thrilled to hear that a new car wash was opening
up right in her neighborhood. "How convenient," she said. "I
can walk to it!"
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A 93-year-old woman and a 100-year-old man have become the
world's oldest newlyweds. After a brief honeymoon, they plan
to reside in heaven." -Craig Ferguson



After a visit to the whore house, a man notices green lumps
on his willy, so he goes to the doctor.

"That's serious," says the doctor. "You know how wrestlers
get cauliflower ears?"

"Yes," says the man nervously.

"Well," says the doctor: "You've got brothel sprouts."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Shaking Hands

"Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot of coffee?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

Today's hUMOR

Bus Home

I was out at a bar, celebrating the weekend. At the end of the
evening, I was totally wasted and decided to take a bus home. I
arrived home safe and warm, which surprised me because I had never
driven a bus before.

()()()()()()()()()()()()

It Depends

A teacher said to her student, "William, if both of your
parents were born in 1976, how old are they now?"

After a few moments, William answered, "It depends."

"It depends on what?" she asked.

"It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."

()()()()()()()()()()()()

Memento

Friend: "I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"

Woman: "Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair."

Friend: "But your husband is still alive."

Woman: "I know, but his hair is gone."

()()()()()()()()()()()()

• How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?”
  
• “Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too”
• “Just leave all the lights on . . . it makes the house look more cheery”
• “Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it’s good for another week”
• “Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I’ll be glad to feed and walk him every day”

()()()()()()()()()()()()

Today's hUMOR

"Shoe Follow"

Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store. When I slipped a shoe onto one woman's foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.

Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror. For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.

"Look, Martha," her friend said. "he wants to go home with you!"

##################

Podiatrist's Sign

In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

##################

One Liner

"It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose."

##################

CleanQuote

"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."
~ C. S. Lewis

################## 

The English Professor

An English professor was reading Canterbury Tales to his
class and noticed that one of his students had fallen
asleep. The professor was annoyed enough to send the book
spinning through the air and bounce it off the sleeper's
skull. Startled awake, the student asked what had hit him.

"That," said the professor, "was a flying Chaucer."

################## 

Warning Signs

For our anniversary one year, my in-laws gave us a beautiful knife set. It was a top-of-the-line premium set of cutlery.
The cutting board that they had purchased to complete the set, however, was a different matter altogether.
Imprinted on the packaging was the following warning: “Opening with sharp object may damage this product.”

Today's hUMOR

Didn't See That Coming

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during
the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of
punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic
on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed
her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic,
the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her
mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Help Changing a Tire

A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a
tire alongside the highway, and he pulled over to see
whether he could help. The man had a very red face and a
dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty
hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar was askew,
and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his
once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat
woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones.

"Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot
of tires ... maybe I can help here."

"You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily.
"My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the
arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I
can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Impartiality

A friend of mine had just become a district court judge and was
nervous about presiding impartially over his first criminal trial. As
a former prosecutor, he could see the preponderance of evidence was
clearly against the defendant.

The proceedings went smoothly, until it was time for him to instruct the jury.

"The jury," he began, "is to convene in the guilty room."

Today's hUMOR

Scrubbing Bulkheads

I was scrubbing a bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning
when the loud-speaker announced:

"Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Discontinue
all unnecessary work."

An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily
routine, was confirmed with this announcement:

"Resume all unnecessary work."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Q: If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring?
A: Pilgrims!

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location.
“It’s only a stone’s throw away from the beach,” he was told.
“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man.
Back came the reply: “It’s the one with all the broken windows.”

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Counting Rabbits

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and
another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two
rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many
rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two
apples and two apples and another two apples, how many
apples have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits
and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two
rabbits is seven?

Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

Today's hUMOR

Funny Messages
- The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

- I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would
have smelled like.


- Crime doesn't pay; does that mean my job is a crime?

- Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going
slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than
you is a maniac?

- I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

- What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint
department at the parachute packing plant.

- I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

- Never forget that you're unique, just like everyone else.

- I heard you took an IQ test and they said your results
were negative.

- I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception
problem.

- If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why
practice?

- Born free. Taxed to death.
++++++++++++++++++++++

"Science Quotes from Kids - Part 1"

~ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

~ You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

~ When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

~ When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.

~ While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

~ Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.

~ A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

~ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.

~ Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

~ Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

~ We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

~ I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

~ In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

~ Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

~ Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

~ Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

~ Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

CleanPun

Two frogs were sitting on a lily pad.

One said to the other, "Time sure is fun when you are having flies!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One Liner

"I thought about taking up snowboarding, but then I figured, why not just ram myself into a tree and save that long trip to the mountains."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

CleanQuote

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Getting Rid of the Monsters"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about his dreams. "Every night," the man said, "I dream that these three hideous monsters are sitting on the edge of my bed, ready to attack me."

"Hmmm," said the doctor. "I feel sure I can cure you of this problem. But the treatment will cost you somewhere between twenty-five and thirty thousand dollars."

"Thirty thousand dollars!" the man gasped. "Never mind getting rid of the monsters, Doctor. I think I'll go home and try to make friends with them!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Science Quotes from Kids - Part 2"

~ H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

~ To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

~ Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

~ Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

~ Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

~ Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

~ The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.

~ Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

~ Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.

~ The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.

~ The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

~ A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

~ The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

~ A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

~ Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

~ Liter: A nest of young puppies.

~ Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

~ Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

~ Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

~ Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

~ Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.

~ Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

~ To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

~ For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

~ For dog bite put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

~ For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

~ To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Today's hUMOR

"Signs of the Times"

In a Vet's Office:
"All unattended children given free kitten"

Lot outside Vet's office in Silverton, OR:
"Parking for customers only; others will be neutered."

In a Veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome - dog food is expensive."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanPun

"Most auto accidents are caused by mechanical faults - the loose nut behind the steering wheel"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Liner

"I learned something important about burning leaves - wait until they fall off the trees."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanQuote

"To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Give Tech Support a Break"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

This technician's company uses satellite communications to send and receive messages from tugboats moving barges up and down major rivers. Each day, by 2 p. m., the tugboats send data on the day's activities to the company's traffic department.

At least that's how it's supposed to work.

"I got a call from our traffic department saying they only got data from about half the boats, and would I check on it?" technician says.

He calls the satellite company, but the technician there says there's no problem on his end.

Meanwhile, the traffic department calls again -- they're still not getting messages from the missing boats.

"So I called the boats and got them to re-send the messages, and they came through," says our tech. "The problem apparently cleared itself up."

But he isn't quite satisfied. "I called the satellite company back to see what happened, and what we could do if the problem recurred."

Satellite company's technician doesn't know what happened and doesn't have any way of finding out. "In order to track the messages, we would need an identification number from the message," he tells our tech.

"We could find out those numbers eventually," he figures.

"Also, the identification numbers are recycled every half hour," tech continues.

"So I need to get you the identification number within that time?" he asks.

"Right", says the satellite tech.

"So to summarize," says our tech glumly, "we need to give you the identification numbers of the messages we haven't received, within half an hour of not receiving them?"

Today's hUMOR

Medical Error

At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist
often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.

One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the
hospital where he had trained.

When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So,
tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?"

"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Men's Thesaurus"

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS -- I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated: "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanPun

"Time to lie on the beach. Yeah, I never tell the truth anywhere."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Liner

"I use my cookbook often -- to throw at people who suggest I cook. "

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanQuote

"An optimist is the human personification of spring."
~Susan J. Bissonette

Today's hUMOR

"Kids and Cliches"

I teach fourth grade in Ventura County, California. As a fun assignment, I gave the students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what my students submitted.

- The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.

- A rolling stone plays the guitar.

- The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.

- A bird in the hand is a real mess.

- No news is no newspaper.

- It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.

- It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.

- You have nothing to fear but homework.

- If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.

- If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.

- Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.

- A penny saved is nothing in the real world.

- The squeaking wheel gets annoying.

- We have nothing to fear but our principal.

- To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.

- I think, therefore I get a headache.

- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"

- Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.

- It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.

- Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.

- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.

- There is nothing new under the bed.

- The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.

- Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.

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Groaner: Emergency Kit

Josh was helping Sally, a blonde, clean out the trunk of her
car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair
Kit." Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of
dynamite inside.

Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was
for.

She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."

Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"

Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up
one of my tires."
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CleanPun

Cholesterophobia: The fear of frying.

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One Liner

"I'm a pretty patient person - just as long as I'm not kept waiting for anything."

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CleanQuote

"How strange that Nature does not knock, and yet does not intrude!"
~ Emily Dickinson

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"I Wish I Was a Bear"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could get used to that.

And another thing; before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. That wouldn't bother me either.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business; you swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.

Also, your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat. He likes it.

I wish I were a bear.

Today's hUMOR

Good morning crew,

The girlfriend and I were sitting around after lunch Sunday
afternoon and discussing what to do with the rest of the
day.

"How about a movie?" I suggested.

"A movie? On such a gorgeous day? Why don't we go horseback
riding?"

"Sorry. I am not climbing on the back of a fifteen hundred
pound animal that is not smart enough not to kill me if it
gets startled by a car horn or something."

"Don't be such a sissy," she criticized. "The horses they
give beginners are very tame. Besides, it's fun!"

I stared at her with as straight a face as I could manage
and said, "I don't see how you can be so cavalier about
getting on a horse."

ZING!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cooking a Roast

One day a little girl was watching her mom make a roast
beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned
it, and set it in the roasting pan.

The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of
the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the
way that her mother had done it.

That night Grandma came to dinner and the little girl and
her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of
the roast before cooking. After some thought, Grandma
replied that it was the way her mother had done it.

Now the great-grandmother was quite old and in a nursing
home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to
see her and again asked the question.

Great-Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said, "So it
would fit in the pan, of course."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Job Application

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the
question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the
affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New Federal Government Golf Rules            President BHO has recently appointed a Golf Czar and major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective in November 2011.  This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expect 2000 pages) is being rewritten as we speak. Here are a few of the changes.  Golfers with handicaps:  - below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%.  - between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees.  - above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play.  The term "gimme" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows:  -handicaps  below 10, no entitlements.  -handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts.  -handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.  These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring. In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again. The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term 'net score' will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above. This is intended to 'redistribute' the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only 'net score' against every other player's gross score. These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.  Golf must be about Fairness.   It should have nothing to do with ability, hard work, practice, and responsibility. This is the "Right thing to do".