Today's hUMOR

"Dextrocardia Question"

I went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While the technician was lining up her machine, I told her I have dextrocardia.

"What's that?" she asked.

"It means my heart is on the right side of my chest rather than on the left," I answered. "You should set up your machine to accommodate that."

As she attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell me, have you had that for long?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Excavating Burial Ground

Two women archeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum. Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed.

One of the women says, "We don't seem to be having much luck here, are we?"

The other replies, "Just keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

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One Liner

"The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast."

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CleanQuote

"Bad thoughts are like germs. Build up your immunity!"

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Does Prayer Change Things?"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

They say that prayer changes things, but does it REALLY change anything?
Oh yes! It really does!

Does prayer change your present situation or sudden circumstances?
No, not always, but it does change the way you look at those events.

Does prayer change your financial future?
No, not always, but it does change who you look to for meeting your daily needs.

Does prayer change shattered hearts or broken bodies?
No, not always, but it will change your source of strength and comfort.

Does prayer change your wants and desires?
No, not always, but it will change your wants into what God desires!

Does prayer change how you view the world?
No, not always, but it will change whose eyes you see the world through.

Does prayer change your regrets from the past?
No, not always, but it will change your hopes for the future!

Does prayer change the people around you?
No, not always, but it will change you - the problem isn't always in others.

Does prayer change your life in ways you can't explain?
Oh, yes, always! And it will change you from the inside out!

So does prayer REALLY change ANYTHING?
Yes! It REALLY does change EVERYTHING!

Today's hUMOR

Vet Appointment

In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away when he
had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road
and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would
call me to come pick him up.

One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.

"Will you be bringing him in yourself," asked the receptionist, "or will he
come on his own?"

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Daily News

A man would buy a newspaper on the way to work every day,
glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy.

Day after day the man would go through this routine. Finally
the newsboy could not stand it and he asked the man, "Why do
you always buy a paper and only look at the front page
before discarding it?"

The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."

"But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the
newspaper."

"Young man," he said, "the man I'm looking for will be on
the front page."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Attractive

While reading the newspaper, Walter came across an article
about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who
was not noted for his IQ.

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the
biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."

Today's hUMOR

At the Bank

I had just finished my dental appointment when I decided to stop at
my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry
about not speaking more clearly. I've had Novocaine."

"You should have used the drive-through," she said.

"Why?"

"Everyone who goes through sounds like you," she explained.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Drum Problem

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and
loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter
what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to
do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to
make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning
was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist
nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred
activity and should be carried out only on special
occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for
their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the
neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger
through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation
exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these
attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective
motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a
hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the
drum?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Vet Appointment

In his younger days our golden retriever, Catcher, often ran away when he
had the chance. His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road
and Catcher would usually go there. The office staff knew him and would
call me to come pick him up.

One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine.

"Will you be bringing him in yourself," asked the receptionist, "or will he
come on his own?"

Today's hUMOR

Clumsy Ad Copy

- No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray
will make it really repellent.

- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it
carefully by hand.

- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick
legs and large drawers.

- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an
extra pair to take home, too.

- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00.

- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us
once, you'll never go anywhere again.

#####################

"A Few Fishing Definitions"

HOOK - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement used to lure a fisherman to spend his life's savings on fishing supplies. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after she learns what he spent their life's savings on. (Usually accompanied by word "right" or "left.")

LINE - Something you give your coworkers when they ask how your fishing trip went.

LURE - An object that dangles from the end of your fishing line and is supposed to encourage fish to bite it. It is the fisherman's equivalent of sports cards, comic books, buttons, lint, and other things you collect that generally have no purpose.

REEL - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

ROD - An attractively-painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

TACKLE - What your last catch did to you right after you brought him into the boat and right before he jumped back overboard.

TACKLE BOX - A box shaped alarmingly like a good first aid kit, only a tackle box carries an extremely large number of sharp objects, so that when you reach in blindly to grab an adhesive bandage, you soon find that you will need more than one.

TEST - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity when trying to come up with yet another explanation for why you have come home once again empty-handed.

###################

CleanPun

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in the group?
Answer: Just look for the grey hares.

######################

One Liner

"Ideas are great provided they don't degenerate into work."

####################

CleanQuote

"A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt."

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"The Deeds Undone"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

It isn't the thing you do, friend, it's the thing you leave undone,
Which gives you the bitter heartache, at the setting of the sun:
The tender words unspoken, the letter you did not write,
The flowers you might have sent, are your haunting ghosts at night.

The stone you might have lifted, out of a dear friend's way,
The bit of heart-some counsel you were hurried too much to say:
The loving touch of a helping hand, the gentle and winsome tone,
That you had no time or thought for, with troubles enough of your own.

These little acts of kindness, so easily out of mind,
These chances to be angels, which even mortals find.
They come in night and silence, each chill reproachful wraith,
When hope is faint and flagging, and a blight has dropped on faith.

For life is all too short, friend, and sorrow is all to great,
To suffer our slow compassion, that tarries until too late.
So, it's not the things you do, it's the deeds you leave undone,
Which gives you a bitter heartache, at the setting of the sun.
- Bertha A. Lawson

Today's hUMOR

"Important Political Decisions"

As a recent high-school graduate, I traveled to our state capitol and got to visit the house floor.

I stood there, thinking how difficult it must be for the people in that room to wrestle with important decisions that affect so many citizens.

It was then that I spied, sitting on one representative's desk, a Magic 8-Ball

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

CleanPun

"Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round; cornbread R square!"

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

CleanPun

"Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round; cornbread R square!"

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One Liner

"If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen."

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One Liner

"If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen."

Today's hUMOR

The Tooth Fairy

I was playing Tooth Fairy when my daughter
suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand,
she cried out, "I caught you!"

I froze and tried to think of an explanation
for why I was putting the money under her
pillow instead of the Tooth Fairy. But her
next words let me off the hook. "You put that
money back!" she said indignantly. "The Tooth
Fairy left that for ME!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The Tooth Fairy

I was playing Tooth Fairy when my daughter
suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand,
she cried out, "I caught you!"

I froze and tried to think of an explanation
for why I was putting the money under her
pillow instead of the Tooth Fairy. But her
next words let me off the hook. "You put that
money back!" she said indignantly. "The Tooth
Fairy left that for ME!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Blue Eyes

While we were working at a men's clothing store, a customer
asked my coworker to help her pick out a tie that would make
her husband's blue eyes stand out.

"Ma'am," he explained, "any tie will make blue eyes stand
out if you tie it tight enough."

Today's hUMOR

Great Cheese

A customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal
that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into
the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a
month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese.
Ours is imported!"

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

"Beautiful Name Tag"

Our favorite restaurant has a waitress whose name-tag reads "Beautiful."

"Is that really your name?" I asked her.

"No" she admitted. "But if people are going to holler at me all day, I can at least be called something I like."

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

CleanPun

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."
~Fred Allen

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One Liner

"If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?"

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

CleanQuote

"I wouldn't have been in such a hurry to grow up, if I'd known that so much of adulthood is ad-libbed."

 $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

"Self-Righteous Perceptions"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.

The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"

"Four."

"How long have you been smoking?"

"Thirty years."

"That's over six thousand packs. Why, if you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building."

The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"

"Never."

"Do you own this building?"

"No."

"Well, I do."

Today's hUMOR

"Priceless Grandparent Stories - Part 3"

11. Subject: Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

12. A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

13. Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmie's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy. "I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus," Ms Susie said. But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."

14. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

King Arthur's Unknown Knights

It is a little-known fact that King Arthur had more knights than is usually believed. They included:

~ Sir Face - the devastatingly handsome, but disappointingly shallow knight

~ Sir Pass - Arthur's best knight of all

~ Sir Port - A great help to all the other knights

~ Sir Culation - A knight who got around a bit - popular at parties

~ Sir Prise - the knight who could always be relied on to do the unexpected

~ Sir Vey - a watchful knight

~ Sir Monise - a rather long-winded and droning knight, but a good, moral sort

~ Sir Cuitous - a knight who approached his duties in a roundabout way

~ Sir Pose - a knight who stands by wild predictions

~ Sir Cumflex - a knight with a strange accent

~ Sir Cumvent - the evasive knight

~ Sir Reen - a calm and cheerful knight

~ Sir Spicious - a paranoid knight

~ Sir Real - a vague and insubstantial knight

~ Sir Cumstances - a knight whose fault it never was

Then there were the non identical twins - Winter Solstice and Summer Solstice - the longest and shortest knights.

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One Liner

"At my age, forget all the health food; I need all the preservatives I can get!"

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CleanQuote

"It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all."
~ James Thurber

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"Brighten Your Corner"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

We cannot all be famous
or be listed in "Who's Who",
But every person, great or small,
has important work to do.

For seldom do we realize
the importance of small deeds,
Or to what degree of greatness
unnoticed kindness leads.

For it's not the big celebrity
in a world of fame and praise,
But it's doing unpretentiously
in an undistinguished way

The work that God assigned to us,
unimportant as it seems,
That makes our task outstanding,
and brings reality to dreams.

So do not sit and idly wish
for wider, new dimensions
where you can put into practice
your many good intentions.

But at the spot God placed you
begin at once to do,
Little things to brighten up
the lives surrounding you.

If everybody brightened up
the spot where they're standing,
By being more considerate,
and a little less demanding,

This dark old world would very soon
eclipse the evening star,
If everybody brightened up
the corner where they are!
- Author Unknown

Today's hUMOR

"Laboratory Cells"

My mother works in a laboratory and is responsible for keeping tissue cultures alive. So that she won't forget, she writes "feed cells" on her calendar. One day she noticed that someone had scribbled in "take cells for a walk."

By the end of the month, a number of anonymous reminders had been added: "Take cells to Disneyland," "Cells on vacation," "Cells back" and, on Yom Kippur, "Jewish cells get the day off."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Rolex and Timex

A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Helloooooooooooooo," answered the girl. "They're watch dogs!"

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One Liner

"If Patrick Henry thought taxation was bad without representation... he should see it with!"

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CleanQuote

"A procrastinator's work is never done."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Eat Chocolate?

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2
servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500
calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric
intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.

So ... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3
months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!

Today's hUMOR

If Congress can't agree on a budget by midnight Friday,
the government will shut down. Democrats are demanding to
tax all of the people's money and use it to fund abortions,
while the Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon
Mobile and relocate gays to Puerto Rico." -Jimmy Kimmel



A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against
his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident
that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your
wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man test-
ified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the
wife." One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the
midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in
the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled,
'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Math Class

The test I gave my math class covered everything we'd studied all
year -- fractions, percentages and portions of whole units.

But maybe I could have explained things better. To the question "What
portion of a foot is six inches?"

One student answered, "The toes?"


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Swallowing a Coin

The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat,
and his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man
passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a
few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed the coin out.

"I don't know how to thank you, doctor," his mother started.

"I'm not a doctor," the man replied. "I'm from the IRS."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Tax Code

The U.S. Tax Code is pretty complex, but sometimes there are
little nuggets of clarity that really make sense. Yesterday
in my class we read from the Internal Revenue Code.

Section 708(a) of the Internal Revenue Code states: "...an
existing partnership shall be considered as continuing if it
is not terminated."

I guess it's just like an individual shall be considered as
alive if he or she is not dead.

Today's hUMOR

"Watch Your Hat and Overcoat"

The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat and Overcoat."

Meyer did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Moshe, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook.

Finally Moshe said, "You dope... stop watching our overcoats."

"I'm only watching mine," replied Meyer. "Yours has been gone for over half an hour."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

A Simple Explanation of Baseball

This is a game played by two teams, one out, the other in.
The one that's in sends players out one at a time to see if
they can get in before they get out. If they get out before
they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get
in before they get out, it does count.

When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before
they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in
and the team in goes out to get those going in out before
they get in without being out.

When both teams have been in and out nine times, the game is
over. The team with the most in without being out before
coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case,
the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they
get in without being out.

The game will end when each team has the same number of ins
out but one team has more in without being out before coming
in.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Loose Fitting Clothing"

April teaches many aerobic classes. She told a lady who was looking to sign up for the class to just wear loose fitting clothing to the class.

"Honey," the lady replied, "if I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't be signing up for an exercise class."

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CleanPun

"Archaeologists will date any old thing"

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One Liner

"The police have stopped my husband so many times for speeding, they decided to just give him a season ticket."

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CleanQuote

"Pay attention, boy. I'm cutting but you ain't bleeding." ~ Foghorn Leghorn

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"Family Devotions Review"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

In our family devotions, we did a study on King Asa, out of 2 Chronicles. Later in the day, we were reviewing what we had learned.

When asking my seven year-old what book in the Bible we find the story of King Asa, he responded, "Second Chronicles of Narnia!

Today's hUMOR

"Vow Changes"

Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library.

"You know," said Melba, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor to the occasion."

@@@@@@@@@@

"Tub Baptism"

A friend of mine took her four-year-old daughter to a baptismal service at her church. Later that night, her daughter took all of her dolls into the bathtub with her and held her own "baptism."

As she dunked each doll under the water, she repeated, "Now I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and hold your nose."

@@@@@@@@@@

CleanPun

"When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate."

@@@@@@@@@@

One Liner

"One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him."

@@@@@@@@@@

CleanQuote

"The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map."

@@@@@@@@@@

Today's hUMOR

Hot Fudge?

I went into Dairy Queen the other day and asked
for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge.

The clerk behind the counter replied, "Sorry. The
hot fudge only comes in one temperature."


%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Tax Collectors

A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under
his arm.

"Do you serve tax collectors?" he asks the barman.

"Of course," says the barman.

"Well," replies the man, "I'll have a beer, and my alligator
will have a tax collector."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Today's hUMOR

Mom's Fish

I took my mother on a fishing excursion yesterday. Nobody was having
any luck. After drifting for hours without so much as a nibble, who
should hook into one but my Mom.

Everyone on the boat was excited, cheering the old woman on and
telling her to take her time.

Finally she lifted the fish into the boat, picked it up, removed the
hook, looked at it up and down, and then tossed it back into the water.

I was stunned. I said, "Mom, why did you throw that fish back into the water?"

"I don't know. To me it just didn't look fresh."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

"Solid to Gas"

Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer).

A previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word "burrito."

It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.

You can rate this joke at:

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CleanPun

"I have a sore throat, Doctor. I ache, I have a fever."

"Sounds like a virus."

"Everyone in the office has it."

"Well then, maybe it's a staff infection."

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One Liner

"Red meat is not bad for you - it's green fuzzy meat that's bad for you"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

CleanQuote

"There is one thing stronger than all the armies in the world, and that is an idea whose time has come."
~Victor Hugo

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

ATMs

For most men:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card, and receipt

For some women:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least two minutes
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in first
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel three miles
41. Release hand brake

Today's hUMOR

Why Did ...

Why did the reporter go to the ice cream parlor?
He wanted a scoop.

Why did the clown go to the doctor?
He was feeling a little funny.

Why did the boy take a hammer to bed with him?
He wanted to hit the sack.

Why did the sword swallower swallow an umbrella?
He wanted to put something away for a rainy day!

Why did the elephants at the circus go on strike?
They were tired of working for peanuts.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

"Signs You Are an Elementary School Teacher"

You are probably an elementary school teacher if:

~ You ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home.

~ You move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table.

~ You ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends.

~ You hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes.

~ You declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line.

~ You ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction.

~ You sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book.

~ You say everything twice. I mean, you repeat everything.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanPun

Washable: What a cowboy does very carefully.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"I'm nobody's fool, but am available for adoption."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"Motivation is the art of getting people to do what you want them to do because they want to do it."
~Dwight D. Eisenhower

Today's hUMOR

"Makeup Routine"

Every morning, a little girl would go in the bathroom to watch Mommy as she was putting on her makeup to go to work.

But this certain morning when Mom turned to leave the bathroom, the little girl loudly said, "Mom, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper goodbye!"

&&&&&&&&&&

"The Law of Parenthood"

There is the Law of Gravity - and then, there is the Law of Parenthood

- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

- Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

- The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

- A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

- The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

- A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.

- The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

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CleanPun

Baseball umpires want salary hikes.
The response from the owners is, "Yikes!
Can't afford increased pay."
So the union does say,
"Then our recourse is calling more strikes."
~ Kirk Miller

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CleanPun

Maury and his wife showed up to a very popular restaurant, but it was very crowded. Mrs. Maury went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?"

The hostess appeared to ignore her and kept writing in her book. So she asked again, "How much of a wait?"

The hostess then looked up and said, "About ten minutes."

A short time later they heard an announcement over the loudspeaker, "Willete B. Long, your table is ready."

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One Liner

"Don't you hate it when people can't sphel? "

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One Liner

"I've spent most of my life golfing - the rest I've just wasted"

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One Liner

"Don't you hate it when people can't sphel? "

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CleanQuote

"A church member waiting to be asked to serve in his own church is just like the member of a family waiting to be invited to pull weeds in front of the house where he lives."

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CleanQuote

"No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store."

Today's hUMOR

"Overdue at the Movies"

Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, my daughter and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. My daughter went inside to get seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.

Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife. Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.

When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"

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CleanPun

My niece told all her little friends with pride that she had seen a man-eating shark at the aquarium, to which one of them replied, "That's nothing! I saw a man eating shrimp at Long John Silver's."
~Charles Wukasch

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One Liner

"My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine."

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CleanQuote

"When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience."

Today's hUMOR

"Signs You Are an Elementary School Teacher"

You are probably an elementary school teacher if:

~ You ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home.

~ You move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table.

~ You ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends.

~ You hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes.

~ You declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line.

~ You ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction.

~ You sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book.

~ You say everything twice. I mean, you repeat everything.

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CleanPun

Washable: What a cowboy does very carefully.

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One Liner

"I'm nobody's fool, but am available for adoption."

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CleanQuote

"Motivation is the art of getting people to do what you want them to do because they want to do it."
~Dwight D. Eisenhower

Today's hUMOR

What if God Had Voice Mail

We have all learned to live with "voice mail" as a necessary
part of modern life. But have you wondered what would happen
if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and
hearing this:

Thank you for calling My Father's House. Please select one
of the following options:

Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for All Other Inquiries.

I'm sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other sinners
right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will
be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on
the line.

If you would like to speak to:

God, Press 1
Jesus, Press 2
The Holy Spirit, Press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a psalm while you
are holding, please press 4.

To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven,
Press 5, enter his or her social security number, and then
press the pound key. (If you get a negative response, try
area code 666.)

For reservations at "My Father's House," please enter
J-O-H-N followed by 3-1-6. For answers to nagging questions
about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, and where Noah's ark
is, please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already prayed once today.
Please hang up and try again tomorrow. This office is closed
for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray
again Monday after 9:30 AM. If you need emergency assistance
when this office is closed, contact your local pastor.


Thank God He doesn't have voice mail and that He listens
when we pray!
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World's Thinnest Books

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ACTING by Keanu Reeves

HOW TO GET A TAN WITH A BLOWTORCH

THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno

Today's hUMOR

Dig a Hole

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet
deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and
explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be
needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem.
He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole
without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and
explained his problem.

The boss snorted, "Honestly! The kind of help you get these
days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to
dig that hole deeper!"

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A Wrinkle in Time

My husband and I both look very young for our ages. In fact, we've
hardly aged a day since we first laid eyes on each other in college
-- at least, that's what we tell each other. Our children have a way
of bringing us crashing back to earth.

Recently, my husband and I were discussing a man who was running for
public office.

"He's a Vietnam Vet," commented my husband.

"What's that?" queried our young daughter.

Trying to answer the question in terms a four-year-old could readily
grasp, my husband replied, "Well, Honey, that means that the man
fought in a war that happened when Mommy and Daddy were little."

Our daughter regarded us both thoughtfully for a moment, then asked
"So, was he a Viking?"

Today's hUMOR

"According to a poll, 55 percent of college students approve
of the job President Obama is doing. That may change once
they graduate and try to find a job." -Jay Leno

                            ***

"Last year, Chewbacca threw out the first pitch for opening
day. He was 'Wookiee of the Year.'" -Craig Ferguson

                            ***

"A message in a bottle was found in Russia, 24 years after
it was written. Unfortunately, the note said, 'Help! Stranded
with enough food for exactly 23 years.'" -Jimmy Fallon

  In the Band

I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South
Dakota. Our group was required to play for all generals
who arrived on our base.

One morning, when our commanding officer heard on the
radio that a General Frost was expected just after noon,
he sent us scrambling to the flight line with
instruments.

One of the musicians had also heard the radio
announcement. He took the C.O. aside for a whispered
conference. When they returned, the officer told us the
performance was canceled. There was no arriving general.

We had almost played for the weather forecast.

                          ***

Today's hUMOR

Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of
global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of
New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New
Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien



Heavy snow had buried my van in our driveway. My husband,
Scott, dug around the wheels, rocked the van back and forth
and finally pushed me free. I was on the road when I heard
an odd noise. I got on my cell and called home. "Thank God
you answered," I said when Scott picked up. "There's this
alarming sound coming under the van. For a minute I thought
I was dragging you down the highway."

"And you didn't stop?"
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A Trip to the Park

A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house, and Grandpa
Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that
he was lost in the park ... and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris," said Grandma, "You've been going to that park for over
30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to Grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear. Morris
whispered, "I wasn't lost ... I was just too tired to walk home."

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A Case of the Flu

Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his
doctor for to get an appointment.

When he was told the scheduled date of the appointment, he
became outraged and bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't
see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!"

Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, would you have
your wife call to cancel the appointment?"

Today's hUMOR

I sit in a little cubicle farm with six women and Steve
from The Daily Groaner. Okay, six and a half women. Any-
way, I've always felt like a bit of an outsider because
I could never understand most of their conversations, but
I think I may have finally figured it out.

I feel like Jane Goodall when she was finally able to
communicate with the gorillas in their unspoken language.
I understand it now.

It revolves largely around four principal topics, those
being; What day is it? What are we having for lunch? When
are we leaving for lunch? And, What is on TV tonight.

Combinations of these four interrogatives comprises the
bulk of the conversations that occur between the women in
the office.

Now that I understand the way the tribe communicates I can
begin decoding their language. And if I find out that they
are really only discussing what day it is, what they are
having for lunch and what is on TV tonight I am going to be
really upset.
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"Yesterday, a group of scientists warned that because of
global warming, sea levels will rise so much that parts of
New Jersey will be under water. The bad news? Parts of New
Jersey won't be under water." --Conan O'Brien



Heavy snow had buried my van in our driveway. My husband,
Scott, dug around the wheels, rocked the van back and forth
and finally pushed me free. I was on the road when I heard
an odd noise. I got on my cell and called home. "Thank God
you answered," I said when Scott picked up. "There's this
alarming sound coming under the van. For a minute I thought
I was dragging you down the highway."

"And you didn't stop?"

Today's hUMOR

Absent-Minded Lawyers

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Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the US District Court for the Northern District of Texas writes a monthly article for the Texas Bar Journal. Often, he cites unusual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses during trials.

The following true exchange says it all:

Lawyer: "So, Doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?"

Doctor: "That's correct."

Lawyer: "Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?"

Doctor: "No, I performed the autopsy."

Lawyer: "OK, were you aware of his vital signs when he was at the hospital?"

Doctor: "He came into the emergency room in shock and died a short time later."

Lawyer: "Did you pronounce him dead at that time?"

Doctor: "No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially."

Lawyer: "Well, are you even sure then, that he died in the emergency room."

Doctor: "That is what the records indicate."

Lawyer: "But if you weren't there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?"

Doctor: "The autopsy showed massive hemorrhaging in the chest area and that was the cause of death."

Lawyer: "I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn't that right?"

Doctor: "No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, HE COULD BE OUT PRACTICING LAW SOMEWHERE!!"

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Absent-Minded Professor

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An absent-minded professor was on board a train and he was unable to find his ticket.

The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket.

The conductor said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off." 

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Accents

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About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent. He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.

"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?", Brent asked. "They talk funny?"

"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain. "To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?" 

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The Accident

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My six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

Today's hUMOR

"First Salute"

The first salute received by a freshly commissioned Second Lieutenant is always significant. It's symbolizes authority and prestige.

When I pinned on my new Air Force gold bars and stepped out to face the world, I encountered a staff sergeant.

He gave me a snappy salute and said, "Good morning, Lieutenant. Your hat is on backwards, sir."

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CleanPun

"How's Business?" asked the bystander.
Said the street cleaner, "Things are picking up."

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One Liner

"Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand."

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CleanQuote

"Common sense isn't."

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Today's hUMOR

"A Dollar Per Point"

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

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"A Dollar Per Point"

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

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One Liner

"Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it."

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No Parking

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large
city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space
with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper
that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't
park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our
trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer
along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years.
If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. 'Lead us not
into temptation.'"