Today's hUMOR

"Teenaged Daughter Owner's Manual"

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Teenager Owner's Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.
Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because they don't like using the same kind of soap their mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and like he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you.

Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for goodness sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanPun

"At the awards show, the movie star's new and outrageous hairdo became the mane attraction."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? "

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"To be nobody-but-myself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."
~ E.E. Cummings (In "Selected Letters," 1955)

Today's hUMOR

Bakery Robbery

My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one morning when a
gunman burst in and demanded all the cash.

As she nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of
coins in the back of the register.

"Do you want the rolls too?" she asked.

"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."

*****
Grocery Math

In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton
and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?"

Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied,
"One."
*****.
Toilet Seat

I bought a great new toilet seat recently. On the label was a
suggestion on how to clean it.

Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.

My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."

Today's hUMOR

"Morning Kiss"

A farmer and his wife had just awakened one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"

"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.

"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that? "

The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."

*****

CleanPun

"Once the new hive was done the bees had a house swarming party."

 *****

CleanPun

"Once the new hive was done the bees had a house swarming party."

 *****

CleanQuote

"Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing. It's when you've had everything to do, and you've done it."
~Margaret Thatcher

*****

As my grandfather was always dropping pearls on me. One of
the gems he gave me was, "TZ, marry a woman with small
hands. It makes your dick look bigger."  But the one that
just popped into my head is, "TZ, getting old ain't for
pussies." And lately, as I feel the effects of 47 years of
crawling around on this dirt, I've come to appreciate his
wisdom.

I've been suspecting that I'm getting old, but something
just happened to prove it. I walked into the office,
sarcastically thanked our tri-athlete IT guy for the donuts
he brought in, told the other IT guy that we were going to
nail him to a cross for a mistake he made causing the email
system to send duplicate order confirmation emails out to
a bunch of our customers, then told the head of customer
service that I would bang her for two hours to make up for
the extra telephone calls the IT guy's mistake caused. No,
that's not what made me feel old. That's all just part of a
normal day.

What made me feel old is when I sat down into my chair I sat
on my own balls.

Jumpingly,

TZ

*****

Today's hUMOR

"Best 'Out of Office' Automatic E-mail Replies"

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

**********

"Accountancy Exam"

Dewey wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the accountancy exam.

Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of pop and then I give you another two bottles of pop, how many bottles of pop have you got?
Dewey: Four.

Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Dewey: I've already got one rabbit at home!

**********

CleanPun

Two horses were galloping along when one stumbled and landed on its side.

After a number of tries the tumbled equine finally regained his footing, but when he tried to run to catch up to his buddy he found he couldn't even trot.

Calling after his friend he neighed, "I've fallen and I can't giddy-up!"

**********

One Liner

"I got one of those new devices that make my cell phone 'hands free' - now I can get back to eating and drinking when I drive."

**********

CleanQuote

"What if God is asking us for a sign?"

Today's hUMOR

Dress the Part

Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress
the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit.

"What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I've bought cars for $500!"

"That's why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don't have to drive
$500 cars."

**********
Taxi Driver

Bernard Lind was retired, but took odd jobs to make a
little extra money. One of his jobs was a taxi driver.

The cab company had a sign posted in all their cars
saying, "Your driver is: ______"

Bernie always got a kick out of watching his rider's
reactions when they read, "Your driver is: B.LIND."

**********
Humor in Uniform

When my best friend, James, came home on his first Army
leave, my little brother asked him what he did in the
service. "I do calisthenics, shoot guns, and follow orders,"
James replied.

Walking in town that day, James and I ran into a buddy who
also asked him what he did in the Army. James gave the same
reply: "I do calisthenics, shoot guns, and follow orders."

A while later, we met a former classmate, an attractive
woman, and she asked the same question. This time, James
said, "I'm studying communications, learning foreign
languages, and traveling around the world."

Today's hUMOR

"Church Bulletin Bloopers"

The following have all genuinely appeared in church bulletins!

* Next weekend's Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.

* Sunday morning sermon: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' Sunday evening sermon: 'Searching for Jesus.'

* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale; it is a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

* Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

* Miss Charlene Mason sang, 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

* Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

* The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church hall on Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

One Liner

"Carbohydrates: The stuff that makes food taste good."

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanQuote

"Let the power of love replace the love of power."

Todays hUMOR

Feeding the Baby

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns
to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his
head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't
you pretend I'm not at home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my
husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh...what should I feed Lily for
lunch?"

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
In the Bathroom

A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother
thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about
every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet
seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his
right hand.

His mother says, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in there for a while."

Billy says, "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone yet."

Mother says, "Okay, you can stay in there a few more minutes, but
Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says, "Works for ketchup!"

XXXXXxXXXXXXXXXXXX
Flight Engineer in Panama

As a flight engineer, I had been stationed in Panama for
several months before the December 1989 invasion. Ever since
I began my air force flying career, my mother has been
concerned about my safety. So I expected a long letter from
her expressing her anxiety.

But what she sent was a sheet of paper containing six words:
"KICK THEIRS. PROTECT YOURS. LOVE, MOM."

Today's hUMOR

Ice Cream

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The
wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now."
Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his
wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.

"I won't forget," the old gent said.

"But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it, so I'll write it
down," she replied.

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the
gentleman.

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and
eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down
because you forgot the toast."

**********

"Open Microphone"

While my son was on the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing:

"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We aw hunting submawines."

**********

CleanPun

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

**********

One Liner

“It must be tough going through life with a short - hey look, there goes a butterfly!”

**********

CleanQuote

"He who dies with the most toys is still dead."

Today's hUMOR

"Morning Run"

The drill sergeant, making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Johnson will be setting the pace on our morning run."

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Johnson was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Johnson will be driving a truck."

**********

Two Keys Hang

Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other for one of the cars in the garage.

Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse."

**********

One Liner

Why should I learn algebra? I have no intention of ever going there.

 **********

CleanQuote

"Worry is the darkroom in which negatives are developed."

**********

Today's Illustration - "Psalm 23 Summary"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm.

A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands. A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire psalm. The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said, "The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want."

She bowed again and went and sat down.

That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard.

**********

Todays hUMOR

"The Mayor's Burden"

One of the burdens of office of the small town mayor was his brother in-law, a fellow who liked to throw his or, rather, his in-law's political weight around. The mayor had instructed his policemen and other city officials to treat him just like they would any other taxpayer.

The brother-in-law got a ticket for overtime parking. He immediately descended in fury on police headquarters, waving the ticket and sputtering, "Hey, do you know who I am?"

The desk sergeant surveyed him calmly, picked up his telephone and dialed the mayor's office. "Tell the mayor," he said to the secretary, "that his brother-in-law is down here and can't remember his name."

**********

CleanPun

A store detective is a counter spy.

 *********

One Liner

“All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power

**********

CleanQuote

“Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.”

**********

Today's hUMOR

Dog Report

Craig's two kids are in the same class at school, and the teacher had
the class write reports about their pets. After the reports were all
turned in, the teacher called one of the youngsters up to her desk
and scolded him.

"This report on 'My Dog' is exactly, word for word, the same as your
brother's. Did you copy from him?"

He replies, "No Ma'am. It's about the same dog."

*************
Poisoned Apple

When my daughter was three, we watched Snow White and
The Seven Dwarfs for the first time. The wicked queen
appeared, disguised as an old lady selling apples, and
my daughter was spellbound. Then Snow White took a
bite of the poisoned apple and fell to the ground
unconscious. As the apple rolled away, my daughter
spoke up. "See, Mom. She doesn't like the skin either."

**************
Feeding the Baby

A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some
strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere,
especially on the infant.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring
into space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on
another."

Todays hUMOR

"Police Report"

A motorist collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the police report were:

Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn.

Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo.

***********************

CleanPun

Where are delinquent disk drives sent?
Boot camp!

***********************

One Liner

“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”

***********************

CleanQuote

To truly BELIEVE in God, one must first want to LEAVE his selfish desires behind and want to BE the person God wants to mold him into.

Then God can mold him to BE that person who can LEAVE the past behind.

**********************

I'm Thirsty

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes
later: "Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"

"No, you had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!"

Five minutes later: "Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of
water?"

Todays hUMOR

"Empty Nest Syndrome"

You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if.....

You have thrown out the better part of the last several one-gallon jugs of milk, but still can't bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons.

You called the power company and asked them to check your meter, because the hot-water bill has been way too low.

You suddenly realize that you no longer need to include video late fees as part of the monthly budget.

You are shocked when you notice you can push the buttons on the car radio and KNOW what station you will get.

The bottle of shampoo has been in the shower so long you are starting to think it might be a mystical experience - kind of a loaves-and-fishes thing.

They've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds and thirds ... and fourths.

You still walk through the living room in the crouched position with your picking-up hand brushing the floor, even though it encounters no dirty socks.

You ask the mechanic to check why your car is costing so little to run.

Your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats.

You still hide your best make-up.

*************

Careless Clifford

Clifford Clarke was a careless chap.

Every hostess hated him. They feared for their precious porcelain and good furniture whenever this emulator of a china shop bull appeared. His reputation spread and eventually he became a pariah. No one would ask him to a party for fear of damage.

Then one charitable, kindly woman felt sorry for him. "C. C. can't be all that bad," she said. "The poor soul deserves one more chance."

So she sent an invitation to the loutish fellow and to display her faith further, she put on her finest dress for the occasion.

Clifford arrived on the dot and for the first hour managed to avoid disaster. It was not until refreshments were served that the customary accident happened. He spilled his entire cup of black coffee over his hostess' evening dress which she had bought that summer in Paris for a lot of money.

Tearfully gazing at her ruined gown, flushed with anger, she turned on her clumsy guest and exclaimed: "Go, and never darken my Dior again!"

**************

One Liner

“Keyboard not detected - press F1 to continue.”

**************

CleanQuote

“You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
~Nora Ephron

Today's hUMOR

24 Hour Service

Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched the small
Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which
read: "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."

After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for
my suit tomorrow."

"Won't be ready until Saturday," replied the proprietor.

"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.

"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only
work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today,
eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."

***************
VIP Impression

My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large
manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some
visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All
production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to
quickly tidy up the work place.

When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers
that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in
unison and blew every fuse in the building.
**************
Angry Senator

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue,
explodes one day in mid session and begins to shout, "Half of this
Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his
statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a
long pause, the angry member accepted.

"Ok" he said, "I withdraw what I said. Now I will go on the record
and state that half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and
corrupt politicians!"

Today's hUMOR

"Thoughts on Golfing"

A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps, and miss every green. The next day you'll go out and for no reason at all you'll really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt," you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

**********

"Eating Out"

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.

**********

Coupon Heaven

While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.

The checker looked distressed so the woman said, "That's OK, it's in coupon heaven now."

“Coupon heaven?" the checker said.

"Yes," the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die."

"Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.

**********

One Liner

"The main problem with mental notes is the ink fades so fast."

**********

CleanQuote

“Aspire to inspire before you expire.”

Today's hUMOR

I'm Smart

My dad gave me one dollar bill
'Cause I'm his smartest son,
And I swapped it for two shiny quarters
'Cause two is more than one!

And then I took the quarters
And traded them to Lou
For three dimes--I guess he didn't know
That three is more than two!

Just then, along came old blind Bates
And just 'cause he can't see
He gave me four nickels for my three dimes,
And four is more than three!

And I took the nickels to Hiram Coombs
Down at the seed-feed store,
And the fool gave me five pennies for them,
And five is more than four!

And I went and showed my dad,
And he got red in the cheeks
And closed his eyes and shook his head--
Too proud of me to speak!

Received from Timothy Anger.

************
Old Mason and his wife are throwing a theme party this
Saturday night. That must be a consequence of being married.
Themes, not parties. Back in the day we never had themes. We
had lots of beer. Frequently a barbecue or maybe a turkey in
the oven. And occasionally vomiting. But never a theme.

But, I'm not prejudiced.

So the theme is The 1980s. I told the girlfriend about it
and she became all excited about putting an 80s-style outfit
together; speculating on where she can buy leg-warmers and
how much it would cost to "crimp" her hair.

"Do you have any 80s style clothes?" she asked me.

"All of my clothes are 80s style," I told her. "My fashion
sense hasn't changed much in 25 years."

Today's hUMOR

"Sugar Packets Announcement"

The Building Committee has been informed that opened sugar packets are being found in the nursery area.

We have had some serious problems with ants in the past and would like to avoid any recurrences if possible.

Coffee drinkers, please dispose of these packets properly.

If you are a coffee drinker but can't read yet, please have your parents explain this to you.

************************

CleanPun

"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good for a while, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
~Mitch Hedberg

*************************

One Liner

“If a line is the shortest distance between two points, why does waiting in line take so long?"

*************************

CleanQuote

“The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.”
~Helen Hayes (at 73)

Today's hUMOR

Great News

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from
work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to
be three in this house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness. Kissing his
wife, he said, "Oh, darling, I'm the happiest man in the
world."

But then she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way because
tomorrow morning my mother is moving in with us."

**********
Potential Juror

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery
case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering
questions from both sides.

The prosecutor asked had I ever been mugged?
Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defense attorney took a different approach.
"I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do
you teach?"

"English and theater," I responded.

"Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the
defense attorney quipped.

"No" I shot back. "You better watch your
acting."

I was excused from the case.

**********
Historic Recall

Ms. Crabtree had been telling her 1st grade class the story of the
discovery of America by Columbus.

She concluded with, "And all this happened more than 500 years ago."

"Wow!" exclaimed one student, "What a great memory you have!"

Today's hUMOR

"Sightseeing at Alcatraz"

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a sightseeing boat to Alcatraz Prison. The children weren't good at waiting: they fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window.

"Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

**********

CleanPun

"When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds."

**********

One Liner

“I hope I live to be as old as my jokes.”

**********

Today's hUMOR

Down South Bumper Stickers

- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

- Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill
them.

- BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

- I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

- So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!

- I'm just driving this way to tork you off.

- Keep honking, I'm reloading.

***********************************
ID Required

My friend Bev and her husband were fixing their roof.
As soon as they started, they realized they needed more
supplies, so Bev grabbed the checkbook, jumped into her
car, and drove the 45 miles to the nearest lumberyard.

After gathering the items she needed, Bev went up to the
cashier and wrote a check. "I really need to see a photo
ID." the clerk said.

"I don't have one on me," Bev replied.

The cashier called over the manager who examined the check.
Then the manager looked up and asked Bev, "Who is the Avon
lady in your town?"

Puzzled, Bev responded, "Maxine Thompson."

"I think you can take her check," the smiling manager said
to the cashier. "Maxine is my grandmother."

*******************************
George Washington

Few people realize that George Washington was originally
from Texas -- West Texas, to be exact. The family had a lone
mesquite tree in their yard. One day George cut it down.
When his father came home, he saw the tree was cut down and
asked George if he had cut down the lone mesquite tree.
George said, "Father, I cannot tell a lie. I cut down the
mesquite tree."

Whereupon, his father called out to Mrs. Washington, "Get
packed, dear. We are moving to Virginia. George is never
going to make it in Texas if he can't tell a lie."

Today's hUMOR

"Largest Amphibious Assault"

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?"

Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

CleanPun

“If space is a vacuum, who changes the bag?”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

One Liner

“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.”

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Today's hUMOR

"Washington, D.C. is updating its traffic cameras to enforce
traffic laws. How about enforcing bribery and corruption
laws?" -Jay Leno

                            ***

"The number of shark attacks around the world increased by
25 percent. With the economy like it is, more and more
sharks are turning to crime." -Jimmy Kimmel

                            ***

"The whole world has Justin Bieber fever. It's what happens
whenever a pop frenzy becomes a disease. There was also
Beatle Mania, the Miley Cyrus Virus, and the Hasselhoff
Cough." -Craig Ferguson
*********************
Barbecue Forks

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out
marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights
flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where
we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They
glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.....

We were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.

Today's hUMOR

"Signs You Need a New Pizza Place"

~ The pizza's secrets ingredient is still moving.

~ The delivery kid is packing.

~ This weeks special is double cheese and double anchovies at no extra charge.

~ While waiting for the last order to come out of the oven, you catch the delivery guys playing "Frisbee golf" with the other pizzas.

~ When you call in your order, someone answers the phone with "Gino's Bait Shop and Pizzeria, how may I help you?"

~ When you open the box you find that the anchovies are eating the sausage.

~ You realize the red sauce is ketchup.

~ The pizza box that was just delivered to you displays the phone number for the Poison Control Hot-Line.

~ You notice a sign on the door: "Dear Customers: we are pleased to announce that 38% of our menu is FDA approved."

~ Their slogan is, "If it's not there in 30 minutes, it's not getting there."

~ Your "stuffed crust pizza" is stuffed with pudding instead of cheese.

~ Your order of bread sticks is simply the uneaten crust from old pizza slices.

~ The delivery guy waits at your door until you're finished so he can take the box back for the next customer.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

CleanPun

I had just moved to an address between Sunrise Ave. and Sunset Blvd., one of Sacramento's major streets, and was explaining to a clerk where my home was located for billing purposes.

"I live between Sunrise and Sunset," I told her.

"Oh, honey," she knowingly replied, "we all do."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

One Liner

A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

CleanQuote

“The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.”

Today's hUMOR

Illegal Hookup

In my work for a cable TV company, I frequently encounter
illegal hookups. One day I arrived at a repair job just
as the homeowner was pulling into the driveway. She pointed
the way where the TV was located and then walked out to get
her groceries and the mail.

I noticed that there was a note on the TV:
"Don't forget to hide the descramblers before the cable guy comes.
Love, Steve."
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

City Fisherman

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a
small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his
tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man
rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man.
"Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice
the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the
surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them
into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give
you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked,
"By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.

Today's hUMOR

"Dog Barking Payback"

A wife and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the next door backyard barking for hours and hours.

The husband jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this" and goes downstairs.

The husband finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "Honey, the dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

The husband says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how THEY like it!"

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"The Politician Dance"

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician.

"All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around."

Today's hUMOR

2nd Grade Math

I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was
learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a
group of items according to their common characteristics. Pictured
were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The
correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center.

But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things
contain too much cholesterol."


zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"In the Fitting Room"

My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful."

A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Modern Banking

We are all used to the conveniences of a modern bank.

While there have been money lenders throughout the ages, full service banks are a relatively new phenomenon. Molan Cache is usually considered the man who developed modern banking as we know it today. He enlisted the aid of Tomas Benes, the Count of Prague and chief financial advisor of King Charles II. The two were able to convince the Bohemian monarch to finance this new experiment in banking.

So really, credit should go to a Czech king, a count and Cache.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

One Liner

“Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft - today it's called golf.”

CleanQuote

"It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them."
~ Alfred Adler

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"Prison Sign Fail"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Seen on a sign outside the Clinton Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison in Dannemora, New York:

"The Dannemora fire department reminds you it's fire prevention week. Practice your escape plan."

Todays hUMOR

"Insurance Check and Double Take"

Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn.

“We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”

“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

“Should vegetarians attend meetings?”

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

One Liner

“When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.”

 zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

CleanQuote

“Success is a great deodorant.”
~Elizabeth Taylor

hUMOR For Today

The wife has been nagging me about a vacation this year.

"What are you talking about," I argued. "We just went skiing
in Colorado a few months ago!"

"Five of us crammed into an $80-a-night motel for four
nights so we can freeze our butts off eight hours a day on
some mountain is not my idea of an ideal vacation. Me and
the kids want to go someplace warm!"

"That's gratitude for you," I said.

"You want to see gratitude," she answered with that special
look in her eye, "get me to a warm, sunny beach for a week
and I'll show you gratitude."

So now I've been trying to figure out some room in the budget
for another trip this spring. If I get the wife relaxed enough
who knows? I might even get anal.

Fortunately for me the travel industry has been barking for
business because of the recession. So there are some incredible
deals out there right now.

I belong to the Dunhill Vacations Travel Deals newsletter and
they always have great deals on airfare, hotels and resort
packages. If you're in the same boat I am you should subscribe.
It's free and if you're lucky...you might even get some too.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

GPS

Do I look that shady? I just got a GPS for my car, and my
first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said
not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me
into the store. While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice
stated, "Lost satellite contact."

I wasn't embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said,
"Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you."

Todays hUMOR

"Address Change"

My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was.

As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CleanPun

“A letter carrier career is a mail dominated profession.”

xxxxxxxxxxxzzzz

One Liner

“Why do they have ear piercing while you wait; is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CleanQuote

“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Illustration - "Behavior Modification Reinforcers"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification reinforcers.”

Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire, “What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?”

“Lollipops,” was the reply

Today's hUMOR

Baggage Problem

The flight attendant watched a passenger try to stuff his hopelessly
overloaded bags into the overhead bin. Finally she informed him that
he would have to check the over-sized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I never have this problem!"

She smiled and said, "Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don't have
this problem either."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Grandchildren?

I know my company has made a big effort to be family
friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday
announcement posted on the bulletin board:

"All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party.
All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from
Santa. Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."

How to Handle Telemarketers

How to Handle Telemarketers

(1) Three Little Words That Work! The three little words
are: "Hold On, Please..."

Saying this while putting down your phone and walking off
(instead of hanging up immediately) would make each
telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler
room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's
"beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and
hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its
task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone
soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one
on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes
phone calls and records the time of day when a person
answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for
a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no
one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on
the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This
confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your
number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have
your name in their system any longer!!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:

When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill,
return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending
companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for
everything from credit cards to second mortgages and similar
type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes,
right? It costs them more than the regular 44 cents postage
"IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage
was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is
according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of
some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little
postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American
Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get
anything else that day, then just send them their blank
application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name
isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to
just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 44 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a
lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need
to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get
lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it
twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are
saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits,
and that's why they need to increase postage costs again.
You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work. I have
been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail
anymore.