Ice Cream

Ice Cream

An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The
wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now."
Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his
wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.

"I won't forget," the old gent said.

"But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it, so I'll write it
down," she replied.

"I will get you the ice cream. Don't you worry," replied the
gentleman.

A few minutes later, the old man returned with bacon and
eggs. His wife said, "See, I should have written it down
because you forgot the toast."

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Bloopers in the Media"

"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

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CleanPun

“Forbidden fruits create many jams.”

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One Liner

“In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on and this person must be fired.”

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CleanQuote

"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."
~Joseph Heller

A Little hUMOR, Very Little

CleanPun

“Match makers like to strike up a light conversation.”

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"Cure For Lateness"

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

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CleanQuote

“Some traditions are really just chores given to you by dead people.”

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Illustration - "Aging Gracefully"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.

Dear Reyer School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, no matter how often or politely I asked. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She was very upset. She then asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to buzz off.

Sincerely,

Edna Johnston

"Haven't I seen your face before?

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking
down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave
your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
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Plane Reservations

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that
departs from an equally small airport.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not
surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage
and passengers."

Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"

Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

Enjoy

CleanPun

“People are forever calling me a hypochondriac, and, let me tell you, that just makes me sick.” ~Paul Larson

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One Liner

“Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly ... on a broomstick; we're flexible like that.”

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Today's CleanQuote

“You don't stop playing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop playing.”

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A married couple checked in at the Korean Air counter to pick up their tickets. As the smiling Korean woman processed their tickets, the wife asked, "Are these good seats?"

"They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your companion will be seated beside a beautiful lady."

Today's Illustration - "Good Company"

"Jeep Stuck"

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Jeep Stuck"

During training exercises, the green lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road.

He encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."

"Dangerous Criminal"

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Dangerous Criminal"

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

It’s winter in Minnesota

It’s winter in Minnesota
And the gentle breezes blow 

Seventy miles an hour 

At thirty-five below. 

Oh, how I  love Minnesota 
When the  snow's up to your butt
You take a  breath of winter
And your  nose gets frozen  shut. 

Yes, the weather here is wonderful 
So I guess I’ll hang around
I could never leave Minnesota

‘Cuz I'm frozen to the ground!

Fogo de Chao.

It was the girlfriend's birthday this weekend so I took her
downtown to a place called Fogo de Chao.

It is best described as a Brazilian steak house. At least,
that's how they describe themselves. What it is, basically,
is a giant all-you-can-wrestle-down-your-throat barbecue
with linen tablecloths.

They offer a variety of about twelve different types of
meat, all of which are speared on giant skewers and flame
roasted. But they don't bother taking the meat off of the
spits in order to serve it. The dining room is stalked by
a half dozen servers at a time, each one carrying a three-
foot long skewer loaded with meat which they bring right
up to your table and carve off generous sized samples for
you.

How it works is, each diner is equipped with a cardboard
disc, exactly like a drink coaster, which you keep on the
table in front of you. One side is red and the other side
is green. Red means 'stop,' and when that side is flipped
up the severs ignore you. When you are ready for meat you
flip the coaster to green.

Green sends the servers into swarm mode. Somehow they see
it from across the room and sprint over to your table
waving a three-foot skewer full of meat like maniacs and
try to carve half of it off onto your plate. You have to
practically beat them off with bread rolls.

The worst part is waiting for the guy with the type of meat
you want to try. I was desperate to try the spicy pork
sausages and the bacon-wrapped filet mignon, but I kept
being accosted by servers with everything but those two
selections.

A guy came by with about six pounds of top sirloin who didn't
seem to want to take no for an answer. He kept asking me,
"Are you sure? Just a little sample? Is very gooood!"

So I told him I would take just a bite-sized sample, where
upon he carved off about 12 ounces onto my plate.

I was trying to save my appetite for the sausages and the
bacon-wrapped filet mignon, but now I felt obligated to eat
the sirloin. Since I still wanted the sausages and the filet
I left the card on green and had to fend off a succession of
determined servers.

I turned away the pork loin guy (but only on his second lap),
the bottom sirloin guy, parmesan-encrusted pork guy, the
bacon-wrapped chicken breast guy and the top sirloin guy
again, who seemed to take personal offense that I hadn't
eaten the gargantuan portion he originally gave me in four
bites.

It was worth the wait, however, because when I finally got
them, both the filet and the sausage were extraordinary.

My date, however, was overly cautious with her coaster,
leaving it on red most of the meal. I guess she didn't want
to seem greedy. So I snuck as much from the mountain of food
on my plate to hers as I could manage. I felt obligated to
force her to try at least a bite full of everything on the
menu.

I don't have the space to go into the ridiculously huge salad
bar or the delicious appetizers or the million dollar a glass
wine, but suffice it to say most everything was excellent.

If you ever find yourself in downtown Chicago with a huge
appetite and plenty of money to spend I can recommend it.

Laugh it up,

Joe