Today's hUMOR

Cuisine

Stationed with the Army near Tokyo, I taught a
conversational English class to a group of Japanese
businessmen.

Wishing to acquaint me with their cuisine, my class took me
to dinner at a local restaurant. I've never enjoyed seafood,
and my hosts noticed my lack of enthusiasm when the odd
assortment of raw and cooked fish was served.

Intent on saving the evening, one man asked if I'd like a
pizza. I accepted with delight.

Soon a smiling waitress came to our table and placed before
me a large, hot pizza - piled high with squid.
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"Tuesday was the summer solstice. It's the longest day of the year, if you don't count Thanksgiving with your family." -David Letterman

***
"I don't know if you heard, but astronaut Buzz Aldrin is getting divorced. Apparently, he just needed some space." -Jimmy Fallon

***
"You all know Bristol Palin has a book. She reveals that she lost her virginity on a camping trip. Bristol said she named her son 'Tripp' because 'camping' seemed like a dumb name." -Conan O'Brien

***
My wife and I take turns walking our five-year-old daughter to the bus stop for school every morning. Today was my turn, and as me and all the other moms in the neighborhood waited one of them asked me to say hello to my wife.

"I will," I said. "it'll make her feel better. She has pneumonia..."

"Oh, poor girl," they all said in unison.

One of them crooked her eyebrow at me and said, "I hope you're helping her with the kids, the cooking and cleaning."

"I can't," I said pointing to the band aid on my index finger. "Hangnail."
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Secret Party

The workers in a large office were making secret plans to stage a big
office party for the 70-year old cleaning woman who had spent the
better part of her life with the company.

Somehow the secret leaked out and the woman got wind of it.

Much perturbed, she rushed to the office manager. "Please sir," she
cried, "Do not let them do it! Do not let them do it!"

"Oh, come now, Mrs. Smith, you must not be so modest. After all, they
simply want to show how much you are appreciated."

"Appreciated, my foot," exclaimed the woman. "I am not going to clean
up after a mess like that!"
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Cherokee Language

A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary
school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its
traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are
no swear words in the Cherokee language."

One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a
nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"

"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."
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Never Represent Yourself

A man was on trial for robbing a convenience store. He didn't like
the job his attorney was doing, so he fired him and represented
himself. He was doing a fine job until the manager of the store got
to the stand. When she identified him as the robber, he jumped up and
yelled, "You're lying! I should have shot you!!!"

He paused, wide-eyed, then added, "Uh, if I had been the one that was there."

It took the jury only twenty minutes to find him guilty.
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"Grandmothers"

The following have been taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds.

A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandmothers don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like, "Why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

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CleanPun

The Flood is over and the ark has landed. Noah lets all the animals out and says, "Go forth and multiply."

A few months later, Noah decides to take a stroll and see how the animals are doing. Everywhere he looks he finds baby animals. Everyone is doing fine except for one pair of little snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah.

"Cut down some trees and let us live there," say the snakes.

Noah follows their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. He finds lots of little snakes, and everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how the trees helped?"

"Certainly," say the snakes. "We're adders, so we need logs to multiply."

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One Liner

"The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office." ~Will Rogers

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CleanQuote

"There's something in the unruffled calm of nature that overawes our little anxieties & doubts" ~Jonathan Edwards (Princeton Prez, 1758)

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"Most Important Words"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The six most important words
"I admit that I was wrong!"

The five most important words
"You did a great job."

The four most important words
"What do you think?"

The three most important words
"May I help?"

The two most important words
"Thank You!"

The most important word
"We."

The least important word
"I"

Today's hUMOR

"I was in McDonald's and I saw this kid take his Happy Meal toy and throw it on the ground. His mom said, 'Hey, you play with that. There are children in China who are manufacturing those!'" --Laura Silverman

***
"I have a Y chromosome that makes me ask, Why get married? But I wouldn't want to put down marriage as a whole - which it is." --Kevin Hench

***
"They do a lot of animal testing in the cosmetics industry, maybe they should brag about it in their commercials. 'Aquanet hair spray, if it can blind a spider monkey, it can make your hair look luscious!'" --Vernon Chapman

***
The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the school if a student is to be absent for the day. Alice deciding to skip school and go to the mall with her friends. So she waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.

"Hi, I'm calling to report that Alice is unable to make it to school today because she is ill."

Secretary at high school answered, "I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling please?"

"This is my mother."
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"Second Grade Math"

I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics.

Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center.

But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things contain too much cholesterol.

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Medical Definitions

ANTIBODY - against everyone

BENIGN - what you be after you be eight

BOWEL - letters like a,e,i,o,u

CAESARIAN SECTION - a district in Rome

CAT SCAN - searching for lost kitty

CHRONIC - neck of a crow

COMA - punctuation mark

CORTISONE - area around local courthouse

CYST - short for sister

DIAGNOSIS - person with a slanted nose

DILATE - the late British princess

DISLOCATION - in this place

DUODENUM - couple in jeans

ENEMA - not a friend

FALSE LABOR - pretending to work

GALL BLADDER - bladder in a girl

GENES - blue denim

HERNIA - she is close by

HYMEN - greeting to several males

IMPOTENT - distinguished, well-known

LABOR PAIN - hurt at work

LACTOSE - person without digits on the foot

LIPOSUCTION - a French kiss

LYMPH - walk unsteadily

MICROBES - small dressing gowns

OBESITY - city of Obe

PROTEIN - in favour of teens

PULSE - grain

PUS - small cat

RED BLOOD COUNT - Dracula

SECRETION - hiding anything

SERUM - sailors' drink

SUBCUTANEOUS - not cute enough

TABLET - small table

TUMOR - extra pair

ULTRASOUND - radical noise

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One Liner

"I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all."

/////////////////////////////////

One Liner

"I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all."

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"Past Dreams of a Girl"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

She came tonight as I sat alone..
The girl I used to be....
And she gazed at me with her earnest eye
And questioned reproachfully:

Have you forgotten the many plans
And hopes I had for you?
The great career, the splendid fame,
all the wonderful things to do?

Where is the mansion of stately height
With all its gardens rare?
The silken robes that I dreamed for you
And the jewels in your hair?

And as she spoke, I was very sad
For I wanted her pleased with me...
This slender girl from the shadowy past
The girl that I used to be.

So gently rising, I took her hand
And guided her up the stairs
Where peacefully sleeping, my babies lay
Innocent, sweet, and fair.

And I told her that these are my only gems,
And precious they are to me;
That silken robes is my motherhood
Of costly simplicity.

And my mansion of stately height is love,
And the only career I know
Is serving each day in these sheltered walls
For the dear ones who come and go

And as I spoke to my shadowy guest,
She smiled through her tears at me.
And I saw the woman that I am now
Pleased the girl I used to be.

~ Author unknown

Today's hUMOR

Born Salesman

I learned a lesson in marketing from a man who bought an old
boat, a trailer, and a motor from me. "Thanks," he said as
he loaded them up. "I'm planning to resell them."

Good luck, I thought. I had been trying to get rid of them
for months. But when I ran into him a few weeks later, he'd
sold everything.

"How did you manage that?" I marveled.

"I took out an ad: 'Heavy-duty boat trailer with free boat.'
When the buyer came to get it, I asked if he had a motor. He
said no. I told him I happened to have one in my garage.
Bought that, too."
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Workaholic

As an attorney in a major New Mexico law firm, I have many colleagues
who work long hours.

However, the reputation of one of my partners' workaholic ways even
extended beyond the office. He not only had to leave work early one
day because of a medical problem, but was also told by his doctor to
stay home until the end of the week.

My colleague grudgingly agreed to comply. In the middle of the week,
our receptionist received a call for him.

She announced that the partner was out of the office until Friday.

"Good," the caller said. "That's all I wanted to know." It was my
partner's doctor.
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Curious Chimp

Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant happens
to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book
in either hand, looking first at one and then at the other.
Upon closer examination, he identifies the books: the Bible
and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Curious, he asks the chimp, "What's with the books?"

The chimp replies, "I'm trying to decide whether I'm my
brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
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Speeding Ticket

A West Virginia state trooper, stopped a woman for going 15 miles
over the speed limit. After he handed her a ticket, she asked him,
"Don't you give out warnings?"

"Yes, ma'am," he replied. "They're all up and down the road. They
say, 'Speed Limit 55.'"
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"Swallowed a Coin"

The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed the coin out.

"I don't know how to thank you, doctor," his mother started.

"I'm not a doctor," the man replied. "I'm from the IRS."

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CleanPun

Frank hadn't been to a class reunion in decades.

When he walked into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting, saying, "You look like Helen Brown."

"Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so great in blue, either!"

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One Liner

"As a teenager you are in the last stage of life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you."
~Fran Lebowitz

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CleanQuote

“The Christian faith has not been tried and found wanting. It has rather been found difficult and left untried.”
~ Chesterton

CleanQuote

“The Christian faith has not been tried and found wanting. It has rather been found difficult and left untried.”
~ Chesterton

Today's hUMOR

"According to a new report, only 12 percent of American high school students can pass a basic history test. That's the lowest percentage since our country was founded in 1922." -Jay Leno


***
"Alabama just passed a tough immigration law that requires schools to find out if students are in the country illegally. Fortunately, schools know what to look for when identifying foreign students: high test scores." -Jimmy Fallon

***
"Mitt Romney is the front runner at this point, mostly because he looks like the guy they would cast as president in a disaster movie." -Jimmy Kimmel

***
My wife cannot ride in a car without telling whoever is driving what to do, when to do it, etc. She is, bar none, the worst back seat driver in the world. I have long thought this, though she would deny it. She claimed she seldom, if ever made comments about my driving. I, of course, claimed the opposite. Now I have proof.

The other day we were headed for the mall and my daughter piped up, "Daddy, before you married Mommy, who told you how to drive?"
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"Sign Return"

I was on board the USS Kitty Hawk when we docked in the Sri Lankan capital, Colombo.

One morning, as the local fishing fleet passed by on its way out to sea, a boat came too close to our ship. A Marine held up a sign warning the captain to stay away, and he complied.

But the next day, the boat was back. This time, the fisherman held something. The nervous Marine pointed to his rifle. The fisherman lifted the object and unfurled it, revealing a sign of his own.

In perfect English it read, "Your Sign Is Upside Down."

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CleanPun

"I'm back from my lobotomy..." he said absentmindedly.

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One Liner

"Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?"

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CleanQuote

"I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward." ~Thomas Alva Edison

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"Brotherly Advice"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said. "Just flap your arms really hard."

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground just a few inches below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What happened?"

Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything he's told."

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"Broken Scale"

If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober

A goober holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store's baby scale.

"Sorry, ma'am," says the clerk. "Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby's weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first."

"Oh, that won't work," says the goober.

"Why not?" asks the clerk.

"Because," she answers, "I'm not the mother - I'm the aunt."

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One Liner

"Vacation is a two-week-long experience where money and time race against each other until both are totally exhausted."

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CleanQuote

"History has demonstrated that the most notable winners usually encountered heartbreaking obstacles before they triumphed. They won because they refused to become discouraged by their defeats."
~B.C. Forbes

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"Normal Life"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

"Normal" is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work, driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to the job that you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty all day in order to afford to live in it.

Wanna be normal??

Today's hUMOR

Doctors vs Lawyers

The doctors may have won the annual softball game between themselves
and their lawyer opponents, but they lost the public relations war.
Here's how the lawyers reported the game: "The lawyers powered their
way to a second place finish, while the doctors managed to finish
next to last."
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 Classic Air Traffic Control Tower Conversations

"Air Force '45, it appears your engine has ... oh,
disregard. I see you've already ejected."

"Citation 123, if you quit calling me Center, I'll quit
calling you twin Cessna."

"You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you
nod your head."

"Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."

"Don't anybody maintain anything?"

"Climb like your life depends on it ... because it does."

"Hello Flight 56, if you hear me, rock your wings."

"OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME, ROCK THE TOWER!"
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"Ten Laws of Life"

1. When ones hands are covered in oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Itchiban)

2. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Incuranctions So Sorry Law)

3. When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)

4. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it's exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)

5. The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to its need to be clean. (Law of Campbell's Scoop)

6. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of Gotta Go!)

7. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo. (The Hair-Wind Principle)

8. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Irreversibility)

9. Arriving for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else else arrived before you. (Law of De Lay)

10. Do not take life too serious, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. (Law of Absolute Certainly)

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CleanPun

Pessimists are born, not made: Their blood type is B Negative.

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One Liner

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory - you couldn't park anywhere near the place."

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CleanQuote

"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought, which they avoid." ~Soren Kierkegaard

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"Earring Rush"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A man rushed to the jewelry counter in the store where I work soon after the doors opened one morning and said he needed a pair of diamond earrings. I showed him a wide selection, and quickly he picked out a pair.

When I asked him if he wanted the earrings gift-wrapped, he said, "That'ld be great. But can you make it quick? I forgot today was my anniversary, and my wife thinks I'm taking out the trash."

Today's hUMOR

"You Might be a Pastor If…"

~ You've waded in a creek wearing a necktie.

~ You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to waken and discover that you were.

~ You'd rather negotiate with terrorists than the church organist.

~ You see a picnic as no picnic.

~ You've ever wanted to fire the church and form a congregation search committee.

~ You've been tempted to take up an offering at a family reunion.

~ You've ever wanted to give the sound man some feedback of your own.

~ You've ever wanted to lay hands on a deacon, and you didn't mean praying for him.

~ You often feel like you are herding cats instead of shepherding sheep.

~ Your sermons have a happy ending...everyone's happy when it ends.

~ You've never preached on TV, because your wife made you get down before you broke something.

~ You feel that it is your job to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

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"Surgery Headache"

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of
a headache.

Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."

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CleanPun

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

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One Liner

"I stayed in a really old hotel last night - they sent me a wake-up letter."

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Clean Quote

"It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser."

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"Just Name the Fee"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved the man's life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"

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"Wendy's is selling the Arby's restaurant chain to the company that owns Cinnabon. Or as most Americans put it, 'My lunch place is selling my dinner place to my breakfast place.'" -Jimmy Fallon


***
"According to the Wall Street Journal, economic experts now fear there may be a second recession. A second recession? When did the first one end?" -Jay Leno


***
"According to a new study, American fathers are spending more than twice the amount of time with their children than they used to. Experts say it's due to a sweeping new trend called 'unemployment.'" -Conan O'Brien


***
The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first breakfast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her husband slowly savored each forkful.

"How was it, Honey?" she asked when he'd finished.

"Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, "you probably could have beaten the eggshells a little longer. But on the whole, it was a good start."

Todays hUMOR

MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES: 

• ATD -at the doctor. 
• BFF -best friend fell. 
• BTW -bring the wheelchair. 
• BYOT -bring your own teeth. 
• FWIW -forgot where I was. 
• GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. 
• GHA -got heartburn again.
• IMHO -is my hearing aid on? 
• LMDO -laughing my dentures out. 
• OMMR -on my massage recliner. 
• ROFLACGU -rolling on floor laughing and can't get up. 
• TTYL -talk to you louder!
• ?????????????????????????????????????????????????

???????"School Excuse"

At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade teachers were Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the mother of a student called in the middle of a flu epidemic to excuse her daughter from school.

"Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked.

"She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company and I'm keeping her home."

??????????????????????????????????????????

CleanPun

Two fish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive."

??????????????????????????????????????????

One Liner

"I want instant gratification no matter how long it takes."

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CleanQuote

“There are three rules to writing a novel, but unfortunately nobody knows what they are.”
~W. Somerset Maugham

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"A Real Home"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A REAL HOME is a playground. Beware of the house where no rough-housing is allowed and no cries of glee are heard.

A REAL HOME is a workshop. Pity the child who is unfamiliar with wrenches and hammers, knitting needles, thread, screwdrivers and saws.

A REAL HOME is a forum. Honest, open discussion of life's great problems belongs originally and primarily in the family circle.

A REAL HOME is cooperative. Households flourish in peace when the interest of each is the interest of all.

A REAL HOME is a school. Many of life's most important and lasting lessons are learned here, both early in life and later on.

A REAL HOME is a temple, where people are loved and respected and where life is appreciated, in the recognition that life in all its parts is a gift of God, with our family being our personal and most precious gift.

Is your home, A REAL HOME?

Todays hUMOR

Paternal Payback

On the day I received my learner's permit, my father agreed
to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he
hopped in behind the driver's seat. "Why aren't you sitting
up front on the passenger's side?" I asked.

"Kirsten, I've been waiting for this ever since you were a
little girl," Dad replied. "Now it's my turn to sit back
here and kick the seat."
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1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,

but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate

 

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack,
but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.


3. After that, I tried being a Tailor,
but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.


4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory,
but that was too exhausting.


5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but just didn't have the thyme.


6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker,
but any way I sliced it.... couldn't cut the mustard.


7. My best job was a Musician,
but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.


9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.


11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool

Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job..


13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally

got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT

I LIKED THE HOURS, BUT THE PAY SUCKS.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Where?

A torrential rainstorm was knocking down power lines all over town.
That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was
dispatching repairmen right and left.

When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was
told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."

The weary lineman replied
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Senior Moments    An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.  The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'  The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'  The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?  You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'    'Do you mean a rose?'  'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ' Rose , what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?' Hospital regulations  require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.  After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.  On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.  'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..  Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.  'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'  'Sure..'  'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.  'No, I can remember it.'  'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down?'  He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'  'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.  Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'  Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.  'Where's my toast ?' A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:  'So I hear you're getting married?'  'Yep!'  'Do I know her?'  'Nope!'  'This woman, is she good looking?'  'Not really..'  'Is she a good cook?'  'Naw, she can't cook too well.'  'Does she have lots of money?'  'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'  'Well, then, is she good in bed?'  'I don't know.'  'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'  'Because she can still drive!' A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'  'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'  'Twelve thirty..' Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.  A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.  A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'  Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''  The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

Today's hUMOR

New Bicycle

I was visiting customers in their home one afternoon. While
I was talking to them, their four-year-old little girl,
whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and
excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle. Do you want to
see it?"

I said, "Sure, Michelle." So off to the backyard we went.
Upon getting there, I saw a brand-new girl's bicycle. "Wow,
Michelle! That's a beautiful bicycle," I complimented. "Can
you ride it?"

"Yeah, I can ride it," she said, and then with a sad face
she pouted, "but it's broke."

I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong
with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it
................................................................
Holy cow, it's almost the weekend again! I have been so preoccupied this week I hardly even noticed it's Thursday already. They say the older you get the faster time seems to fly, and if that's true I must be an octogenarian.

I don't know if I need to slow down and smell the roses or speed up and get some things accomplished with my life before I'm too old or tired to accomplish them!

That's it. I'm motivated! This weekend, no matter how long it takes, I am going to finish Portal 2 on the Xbox.................................................................
Do Not Touch!

Our supply clerk at the factory was in a dither. A box had been left
on the loading dock with this warning printed on it: "Danger! Do Not Touch!"

Management was called, and we were told to stay clear of the box
until it could be analyzed. When the foreman arrived, he donned
safety goggles and gloves, and then he carefully opened the box.

Inside were 25 signs that read: Danger! Do Not Touch!
................................................................

"Goodwill Offering"

During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch.

He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that at least I got my hat back from this congregation."

................................................................
CleanPun

A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.

................................................................

One Liner

Employment application blanks always ask 'Who is to be notified in case of an emergency' and I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

................................................................

CleanQuote

"A skeptic sees the handwriting on the wall but claims it's a forgery"

 ................................................

"God's Beauty Tips"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

For attractive lips,
speak words of kindness.
For beautiful eyes,
look for the good in others.
To lose weight,
let go of stress, hatred, anger, discontentment, and the need to control others.

To improve your ears,
listen to the Word of God.
For poise,
walk with knowledge and self-esteem.

To strengthen your arms,
hug at least 3 people a day; touch someone with your love.
To strengthen your heart,
forgive yourself and others.

For the ultimate in business, casual or evening attire,
put on the robe of Christ; it fits like a glove but allows room for growth.
Best of all, it never goes out of style
and is appropriate for any occasion.

Doing these things on a daily basis will certainly make you a more beautiful person.

---

Today's hUMOR

Night Shift

Our crew at an ambulance company works 24-hour shifts.

The sleeping quarters consist of a large room with several
single beds, so we get to know one another's habits, like
who snores or talks in his sleep. While I was having my
teeth examined by a dentist one day, he noticed that some of
my teeth were chipped.

"It looks like you clench your jaw at night," he said.

"No way," I blurted without thinking. "No one has ever said
I grind my teeth, and I sleep with a lot of people!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Politician

When former Vice President Hubert Humphrey was just starting
in politics, the accepted way of meeting prospective voters
and contributors was to organize afternoon teas and serve
light refreshments. The idea had been used for a long time
and it wasn't as effective as it had been.

Hubert, always the innovator, kept trying new methods. He
had a good friend in the actor Alan Alda, who in his spare
time managed a number of different entertainment groups. One
of the groups was a singing quartet, The Kingsmen.

Hubert employed this singing group, as well as a second Alda
group, several beautiful and amorous ladies from Norway, to
spice up his parties.

But it didn't work.

The newspapers the next day headlined, "Alda's cling Norses
and Alda's Kingsmen couldn't put Humphrey's dumb teas back
to gather again."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Goodwill Offering"

During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch.

He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that at least I got my hat back from this congregation."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun

A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One Liner

Employment application blanks always ask 'Who is to be notified in case of an emergency' and I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CleanQuote

"A skeptic sees the handwriting on the wall but claims it's a forgery"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"God's Beauty Tips"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

For attractive lips,
speak words of kindness.
For beautiful eyes,
look for the good in others.
To lose weight,
let go of stress, hatred, anger, discontentment, and the need to control others.

To improve your ears,
listen to the Word of God.
For poise,
walk with knowledge and self-esteem.

To strengthen your arms,
hug at least 3 people a day; touch someone with your love.
To strengthen your heart,
forgive yourself and others.

For the ultimate in business, casual or evening attire,
put on the robe of Christ; it fits like a glove but allows room for growth.
Best of all, it never goes out of style
and is appropriate for any occasion.

Doing these things on a daily basis will certainly make you a more beautiful person.

Today's hUMOR

Why do men die first?

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know...

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework .. you're a pansy.

If you work too hard... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough... you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay... this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her... that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you... it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks... it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet... it's male indifference.

If you cry ... you're a wimp.
If you don't... you're insensitive.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear... you're a pervert.
If you don't... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape... you're sexist.
If you don't ... you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape... you're vain.
If you don't... you're a slob.

If she has a headache... she's tired.
If you have a headache... you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often... you're oversexed.
If you don't... there must be someone else.

Bottom Line... Men die first because they want to.
(-) (-) (-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)
Unclear on the Concept

Voice mail was the man's sworn enemy. He never really understood how
it worked. Finally he broke down and called the office operator to
get instructions.

"I can send you an instruction sheet," the operator offered.

"Great, fax it right over."

"Sure thing," the operator replied, "but fax it right back. It's my only copy."
(-) (-) (-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)

"4 Year Old Rider"

Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free.

As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he is. "I am 4 years old."

"And when will you be six years old?" asks the driver.

“When I get off the bus," answers Johnny.

(-) (-) (-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)
CleanPun

After Old Man McGraw chewed us out, we went over to his house and we drew all kinds of pictures on his driveway, sidewalk, and foundation with sidewalk chalk.

That'll teach him to mess with the Mural Majority!

~John Gardner

(-) (-) (-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)

One Liner

"I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on, but I can't afford one so ... I'm wearing my garage door opener."

(-) (-) (-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)(-) (-)

"Disaster Encounter"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

"Oh, No!" the father gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.

"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!".

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room."

Today's hUMOR

The supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts and I intended to stock up. At the store, however, I was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged portions of the poultry, so I complained to the butcher.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."

Several aisles later, I heard the lady butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the gentleman who was looking for bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

"Picking a Winner"

The bookie slowly counted out the money into the old lady's wrinkled hands.

"Lady," he said, "I just don't understand. However did you manage to pick the winner?"

The old lady patted her white locks in place. She looked a little bewildered. "Really," she said, "I don't know myself. I just stick a pin in the paper and, well, there it is."

The bookie took a deep breath. "That's all very well, lady," he cried. "But how on earth did you manage to pick four winners yesterday afternoon?"

"Oh," replied the old lady, "that was easy. I used a fork."

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
CleanPun

Two people got into an argument.

One said to the other, "If you have yourself cremated, all you will be doing is making an ash of yourself!"

The other replied, "Well, I'm told that petroleum comes from fossilized bones, so if you have yourself buried all you will be doing is making a fuel of yourself!"

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

One Liner

"You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway."

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

CleanQuote

"When people tell you how young you look, they are also telling you how old you are."
~Cary Grant

[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]

"Parental Nagging"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Constant nagging didn't seem to provide any relief from having to clean up the bathroom after each of my three teenage children.

After I cleaned it one day, I resorted to posting a sign that read: "Please leave the bathroom as you found it."

I noticed the bathroom was in the usual mess after my son used it, so I called, "Brian, how did you find the bathroom?"

After a brief pause, he replied, "Straight down the hall, first door on the right."

Todays hUMOR

Comatose

After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. Try as
they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her
husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the
doctors gave him the bad news.

"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor
told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.

Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said, "But
doctor, she's so young. She's only 45."

"37," came the weak reply from Lena.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

CleanLaugh - "Fish Fight Story"

Doug was describing a 30-pound bass he'd caught recently, after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting!"

****************************************************

Today's CleanPun

I was born free - my Dad's an Ob-Gyn.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

One Liner

"Time is Nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

CleanQuote

"Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your mistakes."
~ Antisthenes

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

"Wedding Vows"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Mrs. Frobisher and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding. After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over. Patty asked her mother, "Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?"

"How do you mean, change her mind?" asked Mrs. Frobisher.

"Well," said the child, "she went into the church with one man and came out with another!"

123123123123123123123123123123123123123123123

Nervous Minister

A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock,
"For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed
five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand
fishes.'"

A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not
much of a trick. I could do that."

The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he
decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly:
"And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread
and two fishes."

Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do
that, Mr. Perkins?"

The member of the flock said, "I sure could."

"How would you do it?"

"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"

Todays hUMOR

At the Doctor

I went to my doctor yesterday. After a long wait in the
outer office, my name was finally called. When I got into the
examining room, the nurse pointed to the scale and said, "I
need to get your weight today."

I immediately replied, "One hour and 5 minutes."
&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*

 "Drought Conditions"

Two brothers, both farmers, were talking on the phone.

One asked the other how bad the drought was in his area.

The other replied, “Well it's got so bad they've closed two lanes at the local swimming pool."

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*
CleanPun

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:

The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault, it was the asphalt!"

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*

One Liner

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" but just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*

CleanQuote

"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."

&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*

"Just One"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

One song can spark a moment,
One flower can wake the dream.

One tree can start a forest,
One bird can herald spring.

One smile begins a friendship,
One handclasp lifts a soul.

One star can guide a ship at sea,
One word can frame the goal.

One vote can change a nation,
One sunbeam lights a room.

One candle wipes out darkness,
One laugh will conquer gloom.

One step must start each journey,
One word must start each prayer.

One hope will raise our spirits,
One touch can show you care.

One voice can speak with wisdom,
One heart can know what's true.

One life can make the difference,
You see, IT'S UP TO YOU!
- Unknown

Today's hUMOR

Making Faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the
playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny,
when I was a child, I was told if that I made an ugly face,
it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't
say you weren't warned."
= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

"I can't come in to work today because . . . ."

- "My son dropped the car keys in the toilet and I sent him in after them. Now I'm waiting for the plumber."

- "I have to buy some new skis. I left my old ones in a tree."

- "My computer is down. I'm trying to cheer it up."

- "I have a sick kid. The adult goats, however, seem to be doing fine."

- "I'm having car trouble. The trouble is I no longer own a car."

- "I won a sauerkraut and sausage eating contest yesterday. You don't want me there today. Trust me."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
It rained so hard here last night our whole town flooded. The entire city was taken by storm.
.= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 

"When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl."

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 

"The best defense against logic is ignorance"

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
 

"Reasons Why My Children Do Not Need More Toys"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

By Tammy Rosenfeldt

~ They started off as babies who found my Tupperware drawer much more fascinating than their toy box.

~ The days I change the paper towel roll in the kitchen bring great excitement as they claim their new sword or telescope.

~ Their current toys are only exciting when I either reorganize them/put them neatly away or when I start my garage sale pile.

~ Who needs toys when jumping on my bed like the five little monkeys brings tears of laughter?

~ They are content to look at the clouds and find shapes - most recently Caleb claimed he saw Thomas the Engine. Really - just shouted it out while in the car.

~ To make one of them want to play with a toy, all I have to do is give it to the other one. Suddenly, that item becomes the best thing in the whole entire world.

~ The days I mop the kitchen floor and move the chairs into the living room are cause for adventure as they build tents and "dark, dark rooms."

~ A flashlight brings amusement to all for hours.

~ And my personal favorite - the other day they literally fought over who got to play with the fly swatter. I really wish I was kidding.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = 
List of Chores

I was going away for a few days and left my husband a list
of chores. For fun, I put down as Item 5: Think about your
wife a lot.

After I returned, my husband proudly reported that he had
completed every job. When I saw the list, however, each item
except No. 5 had been crossed off. "What's this!" I
exclaimed. "Didn't you think about me while I was gone?"

My chagrin vanished when he replied cheerfully, "I started
to, but just never finished."

Today's hUMOR

"Home Early"

Little Dewey burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised, his mother asked, "Why are you home from school so early?"

Dewey said, "They let me go early because I was the only one who could answer a tough question."

"Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother asked.

"'Who threw the eraser at the teacher?'"

=======================

Rat Presentation

Rodents had overrun a posh private school near New York City. So the headmaster asked a health inspector to deliver a slide presentation to teachers and students, showing how to remedy the situation, i.e., stow trash, no food in class, etc.

The following day, a teacher had her very young children write a letter to the inspector, thanking him for the visit. One of the students wrote:

Dear Mr. Ark,
Thank you for coming to my school. Until I met you, I didn't know what a rat looked like." Sincerely, Bobby Jones

======================

"At my age, I can't see the forest OR the trees."

======================

My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.
~ Ashleigh Brilliant

======================

"Proof of Identity"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

My friend Bev and her husband were reshingling their roof. As soon as they started, they realized they needed more supplies, so Bev grabbed the checkbook, jumped into her car, and drove the 45 miles to the nearest lumberyard.

After gathering the items she needed, Bev went up to the cashier and wrote a check. "I really need to see a photo ID," the clerk said.

"I don't have one on me," Bev replied.

The cashier called over the manager, who examined the check. Then the manager looked up and asked Bev, "Who is the Avon lady in your town?"

Puzzled, Bev responded, "Maxine Thompson."

"Take her check," the smiling manager said to the cashier. "Maxine is my grandmother."

======================

 "If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them." -Isaac Asimov

***
"...when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." -Sherlock Holmes (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle)


***
"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none." -Benjamin Franklin

Today's hUMOR

Electrical Officer

My daughter is in the Navy and is assigned as an electrical officer
on a carrier. Recently I asked her what her duties were. She
answered, "To fix electrical problems."

When I asked what was considered an electrical problem on a carrier,
she replied, "Anything you can't fix with a hammer."

////////////////////////////////
Cletus

Cletus goes to work and sees that one of his co-workers has
a thermos.

He asks him what it does, and the co-worker responds, "It
keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

Cletus is amazed, and when he gets home, he immediately goes
out and buys one. The next day he goes to work and is proud
that he has this wonderful object.

The same co-worker realizes he has a thermos and says, "What
do you have in it?"

He says, "Soup and ice cream!"
 ////////////////////////////////
 

Checking Out

I was checking out at a busy supermarket and the cashier was
having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner
malfunctioned, and then the cashier spilled a handful of
coins.

When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22. Trying to
soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."

Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean
pole yourself!"

////////////////////////////////
Toothpaste

Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions"
that spotlights people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age,
people are asked questions that give a snapshot of their
personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the strangest thing
you ever bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question: "What is the most common thing people say to
you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"

Today's hUMOR

At the Doctor's Office

The doctor's office was crowded as usual, but the doctor was moving
at his usual snail's pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly
stood up and started walking toward the dooe.

"Where are you going?" the receptionist called out.

"Well," he said, "I figured I'd go home and die a natural death."
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 A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her
father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger
and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me
show you what I mean." With that the father went to the
telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who
answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin.
Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial
them?"

"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a
bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with
something and we annoyed him. Now watch." The father dialed
the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the
father.

"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called
this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here!
You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver
slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, "You see, that
was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He
dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared,
"Hello!" the father calmly said, "Hello, this is Melvin.
Have there been any calls for me?"
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For anybody who lives in Illinois, the state lottery jackpot is now $24 million. It starts at $2 million, but it has been months since anybody has won, so it keeps rolling over.

It's odd. When the economy is bad and unemployment is up, the lottery always does well. I guess everybody who is staring at the business end of a foreclosure or who has been unemployed for 6 or 12 months starts to think that 1 in 10,000,000 are good odds. Suckers.

I should know. My numbers didn't win last weekend. Or the weekend before that. Or the weekend before that. Or the weekend before that...
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"British scientists are now seeking permission to fuse human cells with rabbit eggs. Their goal is to create a human with a lucky foot." --Jay Leno

***
"General Motors is producing a driver-less car. Here's my fear: I'll buy one of those driver-less cars, and I'll be home on a Saturday night, and the car will out driving without me!" -David Letterman

***
"This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than 60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the blaze." -Conan O'Brien

***
Walter arrived at his office late one morning and was greeted with giggles from the pretty young receptionist.

"What are you laughing at?" asked Walter.

"There's a big black smudge on your face," said the girl.

"Oh, that!" said Walter. "That's easy to explain. I saw my wife off on a two-week vacation this morning; I took her to the station and kissed her good-bye."

"But what about the smudge?"

"As soon as she got on board, I ran up and kissed the engine.".

Today's hUMOR

"Parking Space Sign Language"

After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.

His responding gestures were very complicated. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.

"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"

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Three Little Piggies

Three little piggies went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their orders for drinks.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a glass of Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and a little later, the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and awhile later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water!" exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?"

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'" replied the third little piggy.

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"I worry we are spending so much time on the Internet we are losing our ability to connect with people on TV."
~@toddieC

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If you can't tie good knots, tie plenty of them.
~Yachtsman's Credo

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"On Company Time"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.

Susie: It grew on company time.

Boss: Not all that hair.

Susie: I didn't get it all cut.

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"You Might Be An Engineer If…"

* You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

* You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."

* You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

* It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

* You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."

* You have a pet named after a scientist.

* You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

* You can translate English into Binary.

* You can't remember what's behind the door at the lab that says "Exit."

* You avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

* You consider ANY non-engineering course "easy."

* When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely that, according to Heisenberg, it could be anywhere in the universe.

* You'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

* The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.

* The salesperson at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

* You can't help eavesdropping in computer stores... and correcting the salesperson.

* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.

* You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

* You've even calculated how much you make per second.

* Your favorite James Bond character is "Q".

* You understood more than five of these jokes.

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Ticket Explanation

Her car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper. Obviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, "It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."

"Well, I have contacts," the woman replied.

"Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket"

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"I am not stupid - everyone else is just smarter than me."

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"You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back."

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"Wedding Toast to Groom"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

My husband, Lawrence, had offered to give the toast at the wedding of his longtime friend Theo. They had shared many happy, and foolish incidents, and as the day approached, there was much speculation as to which events Lawrence was going to reveal.

At the reception when Lawrence rose to speak, the groom looked terrified. "I don't have to tell you anything embarrassing about Theo," Lawrence began, "because for the last three months, he's been so worried about what I might say that he's already confessed everything he could think of to his bride."

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