hUMOR For June 30th

Short Ones

An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.

Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He

says to the driver, "Got any ID?" Driver says, "Bout what?"

A rock store was closed by the police -- they were taking

too

much for granite.

What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.

"The Insomniac," by Eliza Wake

Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!

A letter carrier's career is a mail-dominated profession.

A guy goes into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch.

A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.

Didja hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the

floor boards? He was just going through a stage.

The Italian government is considering installing a clock in

the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if

you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?

A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well, it wasn't it's

real

name, just a pen name.

When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition

company, he finally brought down the house.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid

someone will clean them?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be

hungry?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Foot Snuggle

On a chilly winter evening, a husband and wife were snuggled together
on the floor watching television. During a commercial break, he
reached over and gave her foot a gentle squeeze.

"Mmmmm," she said. "That's so sweet."

"Actually," he admitted sheepishly, "I thought that was the remote."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Baby Talk"

What your baby would tell you if he could talk:

1. I have my blankie, you have your caffeine. Enough said.

2. Don't be jealous, but I think I'm in love with the ceiling fan.

3. I know where the remote control is, but it'll cost you.

4. To you, it's just an empty egg carton; to me it's PlayStation 2.

5. Actually, I don't mind sitting in a bathtub that I've peed in.

6. Bang a screwdriver slowly and steadily into your gums. That's what teething feels like.

7. Two words I'd rather not hear from you: rectal thermometer.

8. There's no point in teaching me to say "mama" or "dada." My first word is going to be "hat."

9. I've told you five times what cow says. If you can't remember, I'm not telling you again.

10. There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen.

11. I'm not just wildly throwing my food. I'm exploring the laws of gravity, estimating mass, and testing wind velocity.

12. If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a cat.

13. Who that baby in the mirror you keep asking me about?

14. If my bottom is so darn cute, why is someone always trying to cover it up?

15. Who are you two to tell me how important it is to sleep alone?

16. What you secretly believe is true: I am much smarter than other babies.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanQuote

"The younger we are, the more we want to change the world. The older we are, the more we want to change the young."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Illustration - "Twins"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A friend and I were shopping for dresses for her three-year-old girls to wear to a wedding. In the store, another girl staring intently at Sarah and Becky asked, "Are those girls twins?"

"Actually they're triplets," I said. "They have a brother at home."

"Wow," she replied. "They sure look like twins to me."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Dead Weight

During an Army war game a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Captured Thief

One day we saw a news report on TV about the owner of a craft shop
and one of her employees who had apprehended a would-be thief and
held him captive until police arrived to arrest him.

As we listened to the story, my grandson commented dryly, "What did
they do? Hold him at needlepoint?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Three siblings share birthday years apart

HOLLYWOOD, Fla. (UPI) -- Three Florida siblings all share a June 13 birthday despite being born years apart, one of their parents notes.

Billy Etkin of Hollywood said all three of his children were born June 13 -- including his new daughter Ana who was born this year -- the South Florida Sun-Sentinel reported.

The 36-year-old, whose wife is still recovering from the recent birth, said the June 13 births of his 5-year-old son Foster and his 2-year-old daughter Sarah have made the date lucky.

Etkin said his children's birth dates were not planned and expects it'll be crazy when all three birthdays are celebrated on the same day.

"I'm looking forward to them getting older and really appreciating it," Etkin told the Sun-Sentinel.

///

Contenders battle in tree-climbing contest

ELK GROVE, Calif. (UPI) -- Observers gathered this weekend in a valley in Elk Grove, Calif., to watch competitors battle in an intense tree-climbing contest, participants said.

Twenty-five climbers traveled from four Western states to take part in the climbing contest in Elk Grove Regional Park, the Sacramento Bee reported Sunday.

"The competition is really about pushing your own envelope. You're climbing a living organism. It's something that lives and moves," said Chad Brey, 32, a two-time winner for the Western Chapter of the International Society of Arboriculture.

Competitors train to master events with unusual names such as footlock, belayed speed climb, aerial rescue, throwline and work climb, the newspaper said.

The competition, which began in 1976, was scheduled to wrap up Sunday after the top five climbers were chosen. The final winner will get a chance to go to St. Louis to compete in the global tree-climbing contest in July, the Bee said.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Newlywed Repairs

A man came home from the office and found his new bride

sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I

was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat

of your trousers."

"Oh, just forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that

I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, I know. And it's lucky you have!" said the woman,

drying her eyes. "I was able to use a piece from them to

patch the hole!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Hard Time Teller

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a blankety-blank checking account"

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up darn it, I said I want to open a blankety-blank checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no darn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a blankety-blank checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this wench is giving you a hard time?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Miraculous

A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Sartre's Coffee

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"

Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".

Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Dealing With Bribes

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

hUMOR For June 29th

Two men walk into a bar. One sits at one end of the bar and

the other at the opposite end. The bartender asks the first

man what he wants.

I'll have a Frizzle...that's a beer with a splash of tonic,

a splash of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, no lime."

Then the man at the other end of the bar orders. "Make mine

a Frizzle.It's a beer with just a bit of tonic, a bit of

orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, but no lime."

The astonished bartender makes the drinks. Then he asks the

first man what he does for a living.

"I am a theoretical mathematician at the university."

Then he asks the other man what he does.

"Theoretical mathematician at the college."

"This is remarkable," says the bartender. "You both order

a drink that I've never heard of. You have the identical

profession and you both walk into my bar on the same day

at the same time. What are the odds on something like that

happening?"

Both men look up and answer in unison, "Twelve trillion,

nine hunderd, and eighty-seven billion to one."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Recent Quips from Late Night

"It looks like Hillary Clinton will concede... And, again, I don't think President Bush is familiar with this term. Like he said today, 'How could she concede? She's 60. That's too old to have kids.'" --Jay Leno

"Al Gore for a while was vice president, and he had the book and the film, 'Inconvenient Truth,' which was about climate change. Well, they're turning that 'Inconvenient Truth' into an opera. Al Gore and opera - are you kidding? Cut me a slice of that! Let's go! But they had some trouble and they have postponed the opening of that opera. Apparently, the composer is having trouble finding a rhyme for low emission hybrid." --David Letterman

"An article in USA Today reports that Barack Obama and John McCain have two very different visions of the world. That's what it said. Yeah. Biggest difference is that John McCain's vision makes it impossible for him to drive at night. He's got to go slowly." --Conan O'Brien

"Word is that Hillary will endorse Obama tomorrow around noon. ... Now we'll see if Obama asks her to be vice president or not. ... Meanwhile, some more high-profile support for Obama today. Music legend Bob Dylan, who is maybe the most respected person in all of music, he told the Times of London today that he supports Barack Obama. Or at least they think that's what he said, he may have been trying to book a flight to Omaha." --Jimmy Kimmel

"There's a lot of pressure on Barack Obama to put Hillary on the ticket. Even his advisers are telling him that Hillary can deliver the woman vote. And, of course, Bill can deliver the other woman vote. So between the two of them, that's, you know, that's a lot of women." --Jay Leno

"Well, remember Senator Larry Craig, everybody remember Senator Larry Craig? He's ... written his memoir. Yup. And guess what, he's having a book signing at the Barnes & Noble men's room. So get there" --David Letterman

"A high school in Ohio passed out over 300 diplomas last week. And on the diploma, the word 'education' was spelled wrong. Yeah. Officials say the misprint should not harm the reputation of George W. Bush high school." --Conan O'Brien

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Daddy's Trick

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious.

"What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

What's in the Bag

Two hillbillies are walking down different ends of a street toward each other and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"

"Jus' some chickens."

"If I guess how many there are, can I have one?"

"I'll give you both of them."

"OK. Ummmmm, five?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Comforting

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
Weird News

Child screened in airport luggage X-ray

OSLO, Norway (UPI) -- Airport workers said they were reviewing safety procedures after a preschool-aged child climbed onto a luggage check-in ramp at Oslo Airport in Norway.

Neither the child's parents nor airport workers noticed the curious youngster had sneaked onto the ramp until the child went through baggage X-ray equipment, Aftenposten reported.

After climbing onto the ramp, the child went out of sight, through a chute and through scanning equipment, the report said.

"It's unfortunate that a child could get into the system like this," ground services official Thor Hagen told reporters.

Officials said the child was reunited with his parents minutes after being found and airport safety procedures were being reviewed.

///

Police: Forklift thief didn't get far

BOYNTON BEACH, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Boynton Beach, Fla., said a suspected forklift thief was arrested after he was caught driving the vehicle about one mile from where it was stolen.

Investigators said Todd Barnes, 44, allegedly drove the 21,600-pound vehicle from a construction site and traveled about one mile before he was stopped by officers, the Palm Beach (Fla.) Post reported.

He was charged with grand larceny, trespassing on a construction site and driving with a suspended license.

///

Aggressive crow targets reflection in cars

WESTON-SUPER-MARE, England (UPI) -- People in Weston-super-Mare, England, say a crow has been attacking cars in the town after mistaking its own reflection in windshields for other male crows.

The Rev. Geoff Eales of St Peter's Church -- whose car has been targeted by the crow three times during the past week -- said motorists in the town have spent an estimated $140 replacing windshield wipers torn off during the bird's attacks, The Daily Mail reported.

Locals said the crow has lived in the same oak tree for the past four years, but only began attacking cars about two weeks ago.

"Residents are at a loss to know what to do about the bird, with various ideas from building a scarecrow to hiring a hawk to scare him off," said former town crier Pluto Denn, 76.

///

$200,000 in checks tossed in trash

PROVO, Utah (UPI) -- A Provo, Utah, woman said she has recovered nearly $200,000 in checks that she threw out with the trash.

The woman, who asked to remain anonymous, said she flagged down the driver of the garbage truck as soon as she noticed the checks, which were from the company she works for, had gone missing, KTVX-TV, Salt Lake City, reported.

Brad Rollins, waste management supervisor for Provo, said a bay was cleared at the county garbage transfer station to allow the woman and a friend to sift through the load of trash to find the specific white kitchen bag they were looking for.

Rollins said the two women said a prayer and one of the women almost immediately picked up a bag that turned out to contain the missing documents.

"The checks were in great shape. They weren't wrinkled, they were still flat, the deposit slip was still in there. She could've taken it right to the bank and they wouldn't even have known where it had been, and it had been on a trip," Rollins said.

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Robbing A Computer Programmer
Who not to contact if you're looking for a big windfall...

A robber pulls a knife on a stranger walking along the way, and says, “Your money or your life.”

The stranger says, “I'm a programmer!”

The robber asks, “What do you mean by that?”

The stranger says, “I have no money, or a life.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Disappointment

One of life's disappointments is discovering that the man who writes the bank's ads is not the one who makes the loans.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Advertising Claims

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."

Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."

The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??"

The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Nice Doggie

Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"

Sam: "I don’t know."

Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."

Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Unfamiliar Court

The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge, "I dont recognize this court!"

"Why?" asked the Judge.

"Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was here."

hUMOR For June 28th

CleanQuote

"The universe is made of stories, not of atoms."
- Muriel Rukeyser

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Wacky Headline

Hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail?

Yeah the headlines in the newspaper read "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE".

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

What's the Difference?

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face.

"Owch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?"

"That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says.

"But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down.

Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.

"Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?"

"That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says.

"But that was an iceberg!"

"Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Barking

Your dog's barking at the back door. Your spouse's barking at the front. Who do you let in?

Well, it's your call, but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Seeing the Light

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Countering the Question

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Application For Loan From Dad"

APPLICATION FOR A LOAN FROM DAD
By W. Bruce Cameron
www.wbrucecameron.com

The following loan application was received in August from my college-aged daughter, who is applying for a loan from Dad.

Please indicate the amount of the loan:

(a) Last time you loaned me $300, so if you loan me more this time, I won't have to ask again for awhile. Like, $500 would be best.

(b) I also need money for gas, but that's separate.

(c) How much have you got?

When will you pay back the loan?

(a) infinity

(b) longer

(c) pay it back? Ha ha.

Residence: Please provide current address, and whether you rent or own.

I live independently at college. There's no rent or anything, the school pays for it. One of my girlfriend's father bought her a house to live in, which is like a really good idea because it saves money and that way I would be even more independent. I need you to do my laundry.

Describe credit history:

It wasn't my fault I haven't been able to pay you back from the other times I've borrowed money but I'm going to just as soon as I have some extra bucks.

Purpose of loan (how will the funds be used?):

(a) A bunch of us are going to take a quick trip to the lake before school starts. I need a break, all I do is work!

(b) I don't know, I just need money! If I took the time to try to figure out where I am spending every penny, I would never have any time to study. You do want me to study, don't you?

(c) I am an adult and shouldn't have to answer this question.

Acknowledgement: Applicant has received and read the lender's disclosure of how tough college was when he was young, how little money he spent and how hard he had to work for it:

(a) no, not disclosed.

(b) yeah, whatever.

Job History:

(1) Supposed to rake the back yard. In this position I was responsible for getting the rake out of the garage, raking up the leaves, putting the leaves in bags, putting the bags out for collection, and putting the rake away. My manager in this instance was a grumpy man who acted all mean about it, and it wasn't my fault that my best friend in the world from high school showed up and wanted to take me to lunch.

(2) Supposed to paint the house this summer. I had the same grumpy manager. This was a really difficult job and I was going to do it but then I ran out of time. It's not my fault, all I do is work!

(3) Part time at the clothing store. This worked out really, really well because I got a discount on everything I bought. Also they let me have a house charge account. Can you send them another payment this month?

Reference: Please provide the name of at least one person who will always know how to find you.

(a) My roommate Cathy except when you call late on a Friday night and then she'll act all guilty and secretive.

(b) What do you mean, "find me"? You know where I am; I'm at college.

(c) You know, this is really none of your business.

Collateral: Please enter the current value of the automobile you are driving, including an explanation of the damage to the right rear fender.

(a) What? How did that happen? I never noticed it before! Well it's not my fault. I really need a new car. Cathy's father got her an Audi, it is really cute and it winds up saving money in the end because it gets such good gas mileage.

Disbursement of Funds:

Please deposit directly into my account for me, I don't have time to run to the bank. Also, I need that gas money in cash, could I have that now? Also I need money for food. Can I borrow your blender?

I, the undersigned, hereby testify that the information herein is accurate, except maybe I should have $600 so I can buy some new clothes because school is just starting. Unless you just want to let me borrow the credit card. That way, you're not out any money!

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

108-year-old safe yields no treasure

PITTSBURGH (UPI) -- Pittsburgh officials said nothing but old office records and supplies were found in a giant 108-year-old safe pried open at a city office Wednesday.

The 10-ton manganese-steel alloy safe, which has been at the Allegheny County Controller's Office, turned out to be full of pencils, office records, stationary and notes, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported.

"I didn't think there would be anything of value. Historically, it's about what we expected," Controller Mark P. Flaherty said.

Diebold Inc. workers said it took them about 45 minutes to get the old safe to pop open for the first time in at least 35 years.

County officials are preparing to inspect the items to decide what may be given to the Historical Society of Western Pennsylvania, the newspaper said.

Officials say the safe may be sold online, given to the historical society, or divided into piece

///

More than 4,000 Chinese named for Olympics

BEIJING (UPI) -- Officials in charge of China's identity cards said more than 4,000 Chinese children have been named after the Olympic Games during the past 15 years.

The officials said parents registered about 680 children named Aoyun, a Chinese word for the Olympic Games, in 1992, after China announced it had applied to host the 2000 Games, and a second wave began in 2002, when 553 Aoyuns were registered following that announcement that China will host the 2008 Games, the BBC reported Wednesday.

The BBC said Chinese children are often named after events or slogans, including Chinese translations of Defend China, Build the Nation and Space Travel.

///

Facebook deletes profiles of cat eaters

ARHUS, Denmark (UPI) -- A group of Arhus, Denmark, journalism students said their Facebook accounts were deleted after they posted pictures of themselves eating a cat.

The Danish School of Journalism students said their accounts were closed by administrators of the popular social networking Web site after they uploaded the photos, The Copenhagen Post reported Wednesday.

The students said the cat cooked and eaten as a means of drawing attention to the plight of pigs, cows and other animals used primarily for food.

"We wanted people to think about what it was they were putting in their mouths," said Laura Boge Mortensen, one of the students involved. "It's hypocritical for us to spend thousands of kroner on our pets, yet buy the cheapest pork from Netto that comes from pigs that have lived a horrid life. And just why is it that it's worse to eat a cat than a pig?"

The students said the cat was killed humanely and prepared by a professional chef.

"We had to count to three before we sat down to eat, and I wouldn't really say that we stuffed our face," Mortensen said. "Everyone did take a bite though."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Ponder This

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk I have a work station .........

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"I used to compete in sports a lot, but then I realized that

you can buy trophies. Now I'm good at everything."

-Demetri Martin

***

"I was getting my teeth whitened, but then I said forget

that, I'll just get a tan instead." -Mitch Hedberg

***

"You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's

oldest globe. It's flat." --Buzz Nutley

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Did you hear about the two guys who decided to try duck

hunting? They bought new outfits & equipment, and went out

to a place in the woods where they heard the hunting was

really good. But after several hours of thrashing through

the woods, one fellow said, "I don't know about this. We've

been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck. Do

you think we're doing something wrong?"

"I don't know," replied the other. "Maybe we're not throwing

the dog high enough."

hUMOR For June 27th

Jars and Bottles

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Gift to Dad

A lumberjack had raised his only son and had managed to

finance the young man's college education by the only way he

knew how -- cutting down trees, by hand.

The young man had helped his father cut down some of those

trees. He knew how hard his father had to work to put him

through college.

When the son started college, he promised himself that the

first thing he would do was to buy his father a present that

would make the old man's life easier. The son saved and

scrimped and finally had enough money to purchase the finest

chainsaw in the world.

On a school vacation, the son asked his dad how many trees

could he cut down in one day. The father, a large husky man,

thought and said on a good day he was able to bring down 20

trees. The son gave his father the brand-new chainsaw and

said from now on he would be able to triple the amount and

work only half as hard.

The old man was very pleased and said he had the best son in

the world. The young man left for school the next morning

and wasn't able to return until the next school break, three

months later.

When he arrived, he immediately noticed that his dad

appeared run down. He asked if his father was feeling all

right. The old man replied that cutting trees was getting

harder and harder and now with the new chainsaw he was

working longer hours but not cutting as many trees as

before.

The son knew there was something wrong and thought perhaps

the saw he purchased wasn't as good as advertised. He asked

to check it out. Upon examining it, he checked the oiler and

it was full. He checked the gas and it too was full. He

yanked on the cord and immediately it roared to life.

His father grabbed him by the shirt and hollered, "WHAT'S

THAT NOISE!?!?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"I am wearing one of the sweaters from "The Cosby Show."

Bill Cosby and his wife Camille are auctioning them off

for their charity. This is a piece of television history.

When I wear it, though, I have a strong craving for a

Jell-O Pudding Pop." -Jimmy Kimmel

***

"It's hot out! It's so hot out that I stopped at Ben and

Jerry's for a scoop of ice cream and the guy at the counter

asked if I wanted that in a cup, cone, or in my pants."

--Dave Letterman

***

"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that

one can be designated driver." --Jay Leno

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

[I know this is supposed to be humorous...but some of these

tips make a lot of sense to me.]

Helpful Tips to Make Life Simple

* Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.

Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't

know.

* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car

phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to

your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and

mounting the curb.

* Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers

turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked

illegally.

* No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and

remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.

The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom

carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a

contrasting polish should be selected).

* If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply

pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The

blockage is almost instantly removed.

* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The

following morning you can create the effects of hangover by

drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging

your head repeatedly on the wall.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

One day my young daughter and I were listening to an old tune

by Simon and Garfunkel. When the song finished, she asked me,

"Well, did he?"

"Did he what?"

"Did Parsley save Rosemary in time?" she asked.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Sentimental Golfer

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bad Shape

A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes
bulged. The doctors didn't give him long to live. He decided to live
it up. Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a
shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery
in the city. He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen.

The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen."

The man said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen."

The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you...if
you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and your eyes will bulge."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Parked Cars in the Snow

It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom:
"Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars
so that we may begin plowing?"

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve
hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class?"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

”Certificate Hunt”

To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called he church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate.

We lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the clergy well. When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't remember.

After a brief silence, she said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Sorting Letters"

Myrddin had gotten a part time job at the Post Office and the supervisor there had been warned that he was somewhat of a dullard, but the supervisor took a liking to him and agreed to let Myrddin help him. If nothing else, he would be an extra set of hands.

The supervisor gives Myrddin the job of sorting, and much to everyone's surprise, Myrddin separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally a blur.

Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Myrddin at the end of the day. "I just want you to know," he said, "that we're all very proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."

"Thank you," said Myrddin, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."

"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do better?"

Myrddin replied, "Tomorrow I am going to read the addresses."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Eternity"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A number of years ago my wife and I were living in Arkansas, where I was pastoring a church.

Some friends came from Texas to visit. We drove them around to see the country side and drove by a country church that had a cemetery adjoining.

This couple had twin boys about the age of 5 and as we passed the cemetery one of the boys said,

"Look at all those birth stones."

- Freddy Boen

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Running Fast

A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it's no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.

The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Bad News and Worse News

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Lost paper

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

hUMOR For June 26th

Escaped

Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confronted by a policeman.

"Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the policeman.

Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said "no, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer."

"The second followed his lead and said "My names is William, W H Smith."

The third said "My name is Ken... Ken Tuckyfriedchicken!"

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Alligator Teeth

A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much

to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

How many zeros in a billion?

This is too true to be funny.

The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.


A.

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.

D.

A billion dollars ago was only

8 hours and 20 minutes,

at the rate our government

is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain...

let's take a look at New Orleans ..

It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.

Louisiana Senator,

Mary Landrieu

asked Congress

250 BILLION DOLLARS (by the way, that's OUR money, not Congress's.)

to rebuild New Orleans . (Not to mention the millions for levee building and repairs over the years from the fed. govt. that amazingly was never spent for that but .... hm....m.....m... wonder where that money DID go?)

Interesting number anyway ...

what does it mean?

A.

Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans

(every man, woman, and child)

you each get $516,528.

B.

Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C.

Or... if you are a family of four...

your family gets $2,066,012.

Washington, D. C

< HELLO! >

Are all your calculators broken??

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

"Rain or Shine"

It was raining quite hard as U.S. Marine trainees assembled outdoors for a briefing. On a blackboard, the lieutenant instructor had prepared a detailed drawing of the tactics he wanted practiced.

"Don't think we're going to call this off just because of a little rain," he said.

Then he turned to the blackboard which had been washed clean.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

CleanQuote

"Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you really feel like stripping the gears."

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Weird News

Winning lotto tickets found weeks later

SACRAMENTO (UPI) -- A California woman and a Maryland man have reported discovering $250,000 lottery tickets in separate incidents.

The Price George's County, Md., man, whose name was not released, said he found his Mega Millions ticket in his jacket pocket, where it had resided for nearly a month and a half, WBAL-TV in Baltimore reported Tuesday.

"I was lucky to wear the jacket that day. I probably wouldn't wear it for the rest of the season," the winner said.

Meanwhile, Candy Tyree of Sacramento, Calif., said she was about to throw away an old recliner when her husband told her he had stuffed a week-old Mega Millions ticket in the chair, KCRA-TV in Sacramento reported Tuesday.

She said she retrieved the ticket from the recliner, which had already been taken outside, and looked up the winning numbers from the drawing.

Tyree said the ticket turned out to be worth $249,050.

Her husband Jim said the incident has caused his wife to reconsider tossing the old recliner.

"It could be the lucky chair now," he said.

///

Trump visits mom's birthplace in Scotland

STORNOWAY, Scotland (UPI) -- U.S. developer Donald Trump, on a trip to Scotland to lobby for his proposed golf resort, stopped off at the island cottage where his mother grew up.

Trump's private jet dwarfed everything else on the runway at Stornoway Airport on the Isle of Lewis, The Scotsman reported. Trump, his sister, Maryanne Trump Barry, a federal appeals judge, and a retinue of security guards and PR people traveled to the cottage Monday in a four-car convoy.

Mary Macleod was born on Lewis in 1912, the daughter of a crofter. In 1936, she married Fred Trump, who later became one of New York's foremost developers, in New York City.

The cottage where the Macleods lived in the hamlet of Tong 4 miles from Stornoway is still occupied by two cousins, Willie and Alastair Murray.

"It was a bit of a scrum, right enough, but he was terrific and he enjoyed the trip to Tong," Willie Murray said of the visit.

Trump denied that his side trip to Lewis was a publicity stunt in aid of his plans for the east coast of Scotland. He said his $2 billion project is a chance to do "something historic" for the country where his mother was born.

///

Man 'lucky' after nail pierces skull

SHAWNEE, Kan. (UPI) -- A Shawnee, Kan., man said he evaded serious injury when a rogue nail fired from a nail gun embedded itself in his skull.

George Chandler said he was building a lattice with a friend when the nail gun hose became tangled and fired off a nail, KCTV, Kansas City, Mo., reported Tuesday.

Chandler said he and his friend initially did not know where the nail had landed, but soon found the 2 and a half inch piece of hardware had gone into his skull on the top of his head.

"It was just like a maybe like a sting, bite or something, you know," Chandler said.

He said there was no blood around the wound and he was alert when an ambulance arrived and took him to a hospital. He said a doctor requested a very special instrument for his treatment.

"'Does anybody have a hammer, a claw hammer.' I thought he was teasing at first, but then he says, 'No. It went in like that. We can pull it out like that,'" Chandler said.

Doctors told Chandler's family that he could have faced paralysis or serious injuries to his eyesight or ability to speak if the nail had entered his skull a fraction of an inch lower.

///

Trial aborted after jurors play Sudoku

SYDNEY (UPI) -- An Australian drug trial was aborted after three months when it was discovered that jurors were playing Sudoku in the jury box.

Judge Peter Zahra of District Court in Sydney released the jury after the forewoman admitted that she and four other jurors had spent a large amount of their time during the trial playing the popular game, the Sydney Morning Herald reported Tuesday.

Defense lawyers Adam Morison and Michael Coroneos filed to have the jury discharged after the two men accused in the trial said they saw the jury forewoman playing the game during one of the defendants' testimony. The forewoman admitted to spending about half of her time in the jury box playing the game.

Morison said it was "extraordinary that 105 witnesses, including 20 police, had been in the witness box and not seen what was happening."

Zahra verbally reprimanded the Sudoku players, but provincial laws do not allow for the prosecution of inattentive jurors.

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Library Complaint

Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, ma'am?"

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

"What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"

The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."